All language subtitles for s2-2en2

- Mom, no, I haven't
ordered my sari yet.

Look, I'm having some car troubles,
and it's really affecting my work.

Can I just call you back? 'Cause
this is more of a two-hand job.

Ew! No, that's not
what I do for work.

Look, I told you. People get in
touch with me through an app,

and then I go to their house
and I do things to them.

For them.

Protection? Okay, look, you're
really not getting this.

Look, I don't even think I can make
it to cousin Roshin's wedding.

Ow! (mom shouting over phone)

I know, but I've never met him!
And I have, like, 75 cousins!

Am I supposed to go to
all of their weddings?

Here's a pitch. One
big group wedding.

Hello? Hello?

(car alarm blaring)

What?

What?

(theme music)

I know everybody says
their families are crazy.

My family is for-real crazy.

I have had multiple
conversations with my mom today

about ordering a sari for
my cousin's wedding.

I'll order it when
I wanna order it!

- Why don't you just order it?
- God, Oliver. Who are you, my mom?!

I'm sorry. That was intense.

It's just, when my family gets
stressed out, I get stressed out.

But they can't help it. They treat
every single family function

like it's the biggest deal ever.

I mean, would anybody really
notice if I didn't go?

- Maybe your weird uncle who
kisses you on the mouth.

(both): Uncle Raj. - Wait.

Am I the only one that Uncle
Raj doesn't kiss on the mouth?

- Oh, honey. - Yeah, that's not a
club you want to be a member of.

- Speaking of, did you know Bark-Paul
has been on the waiting list

for the Champions Club for two years, and
still hasn't moved up a single spot?

- What? That is awful!

Remind me what the
Champions Club is?

- Only the most exclusive
canine club in L.A.

I mean, what's wrong with Bark-Paul?
Nothing. He's perfect.

- I know it's just for dogs, but I'd roll
over and beg to access that rooftop lounge.

That property is stunning.

Almost as impressive as this
listing I'm stuck with.

I'm trying to sell
luxury at the corner

of "Please take my wallet" and "Oh, hi,
I see you're defecating in public."

- Oh.
- It is high-high-end

in the worst possible
neighbourhood.

It's an impossible sale.
(phone chiming)

- Ooh! WhatUpFam.

It's one of those DNA companies
that uncover your ancestry.

Oh. Maybe I'll find out I'm not
even related to my family.

That'd be awesome.

- Our DNA tests have
gotten so popular,

we've had to hire extra help in order
to keep up processing all the samples.

- I bet. You know, I've always
wanted to try one of these tests.

Well, not always, but since
they've been a thing.

- Well, it's your lucky day then because
everyone who works here gets a test for free.

- Free-zies? Oh. Swab me up.

- Mm-hmm. Just a little
perk of the job.

Plus, more DNA in our database
is always a good thing.

Helps to improve our metrics
and also human cloning.

- What was that?

- Please put on these gloves to
avoid any sort of contamination.

- You betcha.
- It's actually pretty straightforward.

You receive the samples, you add a
drop of activator liquid to each vial,

and then you place the mixed
vials over here for a technician

to come retrieve them, and that's it.
You got it?

- Easy breezy. You can count on me.
- You don't need to do that.

- Right. Ahem. Oh, wow.

Oh... this is cool.

D to the N to the A to the what?

D to the N to the A
to the what-what!

D to the N to the
A to the whaaat!

Whoa! We got the MVP
of DNA over here.

Hello?

Okay. Oh. Alright,
we're really moving.

Oh, yeah, you're still going.

Okay.

Thank you.

What?

D to the N to the A to the what?

Okay.

That's some nice perfume
you're wearing.

It's very, uh...

very fragrant.

Should be fine.

Yeah, hi, it's Liza. I dropped
my car off the other day.

They told me to call
back to get an estimate.

How much?!

So how many miles could I safely
drive before it combusts?

Are we talking, like, a big
explosion, or a small explosion?

(knocking) I'll call you back.

Yeah, sorry, you have
the wrong address.

- But I haven't said anything yet.
Are you Liza?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

I know this is
gonna sound crazy,

but the reason I found you is 'cause I
took this DNA test - you know, WhatUpFam -

and as it turns out,
we're related! Ah!

These curls are just the cutest!

You know, in the ninth grade, I was
going through this really bad breakup,

and I wanted to just, you know, completely
change my look, so I got this retro spiral perm.

I mean, most people can't pull
it off, but I totally rocked it.

And that's when I knew. I
must be kind of exotic.

And now I finally
have the proof!

- Speaking of proof, these tests,
really, how reliable are they?

- Oh, extremely reliable.
- I guess,

but sometimes there can be other
factors that throw off the results?

- Oh. I almost totally forgot.

Thought you might wanna learn a
little bit about your family!

- Oh.
- Let's see here.

This side of the family
came over on the Mayflower,

and Mommy's side fought in the
Civil War, for the right side.

- And which side
is the right side?

- Ha! Liza, you're too funny.

Oh, my God. This
makes so much sense.

Aunt Becky loved spicy food.
Look, you guys are like twins!

- Listen, I should really
tell you something.

- Oh, and here's Daddy at
the family car dealership.

Reeves Family Motors,
the largest dealership

in all of L.A. County.
Have you heard of it?

- No, but I've never really had to shop
for a new car. Mine's a hand-me-down,

and it's currently a little
on the explode-y side.

- Oh, if you're having car trouble,
I'll have it towed to our shop.

- Oh, that's nice of you, but I'm a
little short on funds at the moment.

- Liza! We wouldn't charge you.
You're family.

And you'll probably need a loaner
car in the meantime, right?

- What? No. I could...

...do that. That could
definitely work.

- You know, I'm so sorry. I've
been talking this entire time.

What did you wanna say?
- Oh. I was just gonna say that...

...I do totally look
like Aunt Becky.

- Right?!

- Yeah!

- Alright, so I'll
see you Friday?

- You bet ya. I can't wait to
meet the rest of the fam-damily.

- Yay, I'm so excited!
- Oh, Sloane.

These are my roommates,
Harlow and Oliver.

- Hi.
- Liza, you're so contemporary.

You guys have to come with us on Friday.
We're having a family reunion.

- Why is Liza coming to
your family reunion?

- Sloane! I know you gotta get going, so
don't worry. I'll catch these guys up.

- Alrighty, well ciao for now.
I'll see you all on Friday.

- See ya!
- Bye! What's going on?

- Well, you know how one minute you're
working in a DNA testing facility

and you accidentally
sneeze in a sample,

and a month later, someone
comes to your door

because they think you're related.
Ha. It's a classic mix-up.

- Ha-ha. A tale as old as time.

I'm not going. - Ditto.

- Come on, guys! Please! WASP-y
people make me feel nervous.

What am I supposed to talk about?
The stock market and...

See? I literally can't
think of another thing.

- Liza, you're not
related to that woman.

- Boats. Rich people love boats.

That's literally the only
thing I know about boats.

Please? You two are the
fanciest people I know.

- I guess I am pretty fancy.
- Yeah, you are.

- Fine. But only because
I've been looking

for an occasion to wear my new ascot.
- Yes!

Can you believe they're just
letting me use this car?

I mean, the glove box
is refrigerated.

It's better than our
refrigerator in the apartment.

I went out and I bought butter just
for the car. You guys want butter?

- Just plain?

(celestial music)

(Harlow): My God. (Liza): Wow.

- Liza, I'm having second
thoughts about this.

You know, it's not too late to back out.
- I'm with Harlow on this.

- Guys, don't flake out on me now, come on.
We're already here.

Don't worry. I'm gonna tell
'em as soon as we get inside.

Or as soon as my car's done in the shop.
Either way, they're gonna know soon-ish.

(classical music)
- Yay, you're here!

Everybody, they're here!

Liza, Oliver, Harlow, meet Daddy.
My daddy.

My mother, Cora, and my
older brother, Hughes.

- Oh, look at you!
Look at her, Cora!

- Oh, I'm looking, darling.
- Oh, she's gorgeous. Isn't she gorgeous?

I bet she's smart too.
I can tell

just by looking at you. - Oh!

- This is truly a cause
for celebration.

I'll get the wine.

- Hey, all my friends call me
Hughes, 'cause that's my name.

- Liza.
- No, Hughes.

- Right. Hughes.

Hughes it is indeed.

Ahem. - Just a reminder,
you're supposed to be related.

This isn't Cruel Intentions.

- So how's that loaner
car working out for you?

- Can you be soul-mates
with a vehicle?

'Cause I'd kinda like to ask its
dad if I can marry it. (laughter)

- Liza, come on. I
wanna give you a tour.

We have a giant waterslide in our pool.
Oh, the indoor pool.

- You have more than one pool?

(cork popping, glass smashing) - Oh.
Cora, dear, are you alright?

- Mom, let me help you with that.
- Oh, no!

I was trying to get the cork out of the
bottle, and my elbow must've bumped it!

- It's alright, darling. It's just a lamp.
As long as you're alright.

- Wow.

Sorry. It's just, if that
happened in my house,

it would've not gone
down like that.

My dad once broke
a Glade candle,

and my mom made him eat
the wax as punishment.

We switched to Plug-Ins after that.
- What's a Plug-In?

- Oh, it's a...
(phone vibrating)

It's nothing. And my family
can be just a little...

What?! Um...

Sorry, do you have somewhere
I can make a phone call?

- How 'bout the kitchen?
- Oh. Which one?

(laughter)

- Oh. (tapping)

- That's my little Lord Tinsley.

- Oh, he's adorable. I
could just eat him up.

- But you wouldn't, would you?

Oh, I'm just kidding. Oh! Yes,
he is adorable, isn't he?

Oh, I'm sorry I'm gushing.
My dog is my life.

- Oh, I totally get it. My dog,
Bark-Paul Gosselaar, is my baby.

- Well, if you're a
fellow dog-lover,

I must show you Lord Tinsley's trophy room.
It's quite impressive.

- You don't happen to know anyone
at the Champions Club, do you?

- Know anyone? I'm
practically on the board.

(Oliver): Wow. This
place is amazing.

If I lived here, I would host
so many murder-mystery parties.

And I'd have a
luxury panic-room.

A place to have panic attacks
surrounded by luxury.

- Yeah. This place
is alright, I guess.

I mean, I'm only staying here 'cause
I got kicked out of my last place.

You'd think my neighbours
would be so stoked

that I had a Migos show performed
right on the front lawn.

And the thing is, I
did invite them.

And we pretty much put out
the fire, like, right away,

so it wasn't even
that big of a deal.

- Yeah, I think I
read about that.

So you're in the market
for a new place.

- Yeah, absolutely. But them I'm
gonna have to, like, look...

- Ugh. Oh, yeah.

I wish I could get you
the place I just listed.

It's very high-end, in an
emerging neighbourhood.

But I kind of already
promised it to Ja Rule.

- What?! Well, can I
take a look at it?

- I mean, I guess you are, like, family
now. I suppose I could fit you in.

- Suck it, Ja Rule. Yeah.

Alright, I'm gonna go
get my chequebook.

- Mom, you called 10 times
to see if I ordered a sari?!

Ten?! You only call 10
times if somebody's dead,

or Taylor Swift is
finally engaged.

(mom shouting over phone)

Mom. Mom, Mom, calm down.

- Everything okay? - Yep. Everything's
great. I'll be right out.

- Oh, shhh.

(mom shouting) - What?!

- So that is the
wrap-around balcony.

It has a fire pit and a
full outdoor kitchen.

- God, Oliver, you are
selling me so hard, dude.

I can already see
myself out there.

I think we got a
winner right there.

Now I just got a quick
question to ask you.

- Ask away.
- You know,

now that I got a little
bit of brown in my blood,

I can say the N-word now, right?

(bleep!) - No!

I-I-I know what the N-word
is, and no, you cannot.

- Are you sure? Or are
you messing with me?

'Cause I know I'm kinda new to
this whole thug-life thing,

but, like, I'm pretty sure
that it's all good now.

- I'm pretty sure
it's not all good.

- Well what about
when I'm rapping?

- No!
- Not even Gold Digger?

- Hughes! You are not allowed,
nor will you ever be allowed,

to say the N-word.

- Oh, okay.

- Okay.

- But you know we all are
from Africa though, right?

- It doesn't work like that.

- So... the Champions Club.

I mean, what is the deal
with their waiting list?

- What do you mean? - Well, my dog
has been on the list for two years,

and it seems like a
total no-brainer.

Bark-Paul is a huge influencer. I
mean, look at his Insta following.

(chuckling) - That's charming,

but I don't think the board is going
to be swayed by an Instagram...

Oh. Oh!

Oh, that is quite a
large following.

That's a very
impressive platform.

And you... Let me look at you.

Shiny hair... Go
like this for me.

Oh, nice, healthy gums.

You know, I'm gonna write you
a letter of recommendation.

And a letter from me
is a guaranteed in.

- Oh, my God. Thank you so much!
You would do that for me?

- Of course, darling! Now this calls
for a real drink. (glass shattering)

- What floor am I on?

Where's the waterslide?

Oh, shit.

Shit.

- What's with the
emergency meeting text?

- It's over.
- What are you talking about?

- This letter is from WhatUpFam.

It explains all about how the DNA
sample test was contaminated.

Which means, the jig is up.

I have to go and explain to them before
they figure it out on their own.

- Liza, that's a terrible idea.
- You're right.

'Cause the longer I
stay in that house,

the more I risk truth-vomiting
all over the place.

I can feel something
coming up already.

Harlow, I'm wearing your
underwear right now!

- What?!
- Ew.

- I wear them all the time. Sometimes I don't
even wash them before I put them back.

- Oh.
- Liza. Keep it together.

Let your friends reap the
benefit of this lie.

I am this close
to making a sale!

- And I am this close to getting that
letter of recommendation for Bark-Paul.

All we're asking for is
just a little more time.

- I just don't like lying.
- Don't think of it as lying.

Think of it as expressing a
different version of the truth.

And technically, you
could be related.

Aren't we all from
Africa, anyway?

- It doesn't work like that.
- Okay, Liza.

Oliver and I have dealt with
racism our entire lives,

and an opportunity like this just
does not come along very often.

Of course, it doesn't make up for
everything we've been through,

but it is a small win. And don't
you think we deserve that?

- What? You two playing
the race card on me?

Hello?

- Technically you're half.
Your white side owes us this.

- That is some messed-up logic.

But my white-guilt side thinks by denying your
point of view, I'd be denying your experience.

Which would be wrong.

So I think maybe...
you're right?

- Let's go with that.
- Mm.

- I can do this. Just a
little while longer.

- Liza?

What are you doing?

- Oh, you know. Just checking to see
if you're on daylight saving's time.

- Um, okay. Well, I was
actually just looking for you,

I had a couple of
quick questions.

- Questions? I don't know anything.
- It's not an interrogation!

I just want to get to know you
a little better. - You do?

I feel like we know each other so
well already, though. - Me too.

So where are you from?
- Oh. I can answer that. Texas.

- Right, but where
are you really from?

Like, where's our
home base in India?

- "Our" home base?
- Yeah, and are we Hindu?

- I'm sorry, what kind
of questions are these?

- Oh, I'm filling out
college applications,

and I really need to rep my
Indian-ness this time around.

I didn't get into any colleges
when I first applied,

and now all of a sudden you
can't buy your way in.

But now that I'm mixed, I can
probably get in anywhere.

- Hmm. That seems a
little unethical.

- Unethical? Liza.

We've been forced to
exploit the system,

because the system is
there in the first place.

It's a reverse racism.

- That's not a thing.

- But now that I've got a little Indian
in my blood, things are looking up.

Pal of mine recently married a Chinese
and he got a minority business grant.

I recently applied for mine,
and when the money comes in,

Daddy's gonna get a
whole new dealership.

(forced laughter) - Okay, I
think I'm hitting my limit.

- Oh, speaking of which, that
loaner car really suits you,

I want you to keep it.

- Say what now?

Heated seats...

Racism.

Cooling seats...

Racism.

The option to set my butt to
any temperature I want...

Racism.

Chilled butter...

Racism.

- I cannot thank you enough.

Bark-Paul is going to
flip when I tell him.

- Oh, for a friend of the family,
it's the least I could do.

And of course, it doesn't hurt
to have an ally on the inside.

- An ally?
- Well, to be honest...

...I've been concerned,
now that I'm "of colour,"

that the club might
want to kick me out.

That I might have to deal
with, what's the word?

When you don't like someone because of
the way they look. It's not jealousy.

- Racism?

- That's it. That
people would be racist.

But now if they try anything,

we can just post to
Bark-Paul's followers.

- Mm.

- It'd be such a PR nightmare for them,
they'd have no choice but to back down.

Oh, hello, precious!

Oh, Mommy's good boy! Mm-mm!
Here, hold Lord Tinsley for me.

- Oh. Okay. - I just need to
go and find a pen and sign.

(light music) - Hmm.

- Okay, well, I'll get
the paperwork started.

I'm so glad I met you today, Hughes.
You are the perfect...

No, the only person that
this condo is meant for.

- Aw, thanks, brother.

- You're welcome... brother.

- Time to take the annual family
portrait for the holiday card!

- Oh... (Dad): Gather round.
- But it's August.

- Is it August already?
Oh, we are so behind.

- You know, this seems like more

of an immediate-family moment.
We should get going.

- No, no, no, Liza, you're in the photo!
No, you are family!

Come on. Would you be a
sport and do the honours?

- Oh.

- Okay, over here. - Okay, okay.
- A little closer. Perfect.

- Everyone say "Ralph Lauren!"

(all): Ralph Lauren!
- Uh, can I see?

- Uh...
- Ugh, no.

Can you take it again?
We need more light.

- Oh, well, you could turn on that lamp
over there... Oh. But somebody broke it.

- There we go! I was wondering when
you were gonna throw that in my face!

- Well, maybe if you didn't spend
your days soaked in booze.

Do you have any idea how
expensive that lamp was?

- That wasn't expensive! You just think it
was because you had to buy three of them.

One for me and one for
each of your mistresses.

- Mistresses? - Oh, honey, wake
up. You're not 10 anymore.

- Can you stop fighting in
front of my new black friend?

(both): Shut up, Hughes!
- So... thank you for having us.

- No, no, please!
- No!

- You must stay. Just stay for one quick
photo. - Because we all look so lovely!

- I guess one couldn't hurt.

- Oh, wait. I forgot part of my fit.
Hold on a second.

No, I gotta represent
my peeps now.

(war cry)

- Oh, hell no. No! (Bleep) this!

WhatUpFam? Oh, ha-ha.

I'm-a tell you what's up.

You're not Indian, you're not
Indian, you're not Indian,

and you are not Indian,
or Native American!

- Liza, what are
you talking about?

- It's a lie, and as this
letter will tell you,

we are not related.

I just happened to
sneeze in your sample.

- Ugh.
- Ew.

- You know, I thought it would've been
nice to be a part of this family.

You all seemed so put together,
so different than my own.

But take a look behind closed doors, and
your shit is flying off the hinges!

You know what? You
can keep your car,

'cause I don't want to have
anything to do with this family!

Unless you... wanna
give me your car,

because I clearly just taught
you a very valuable lesson.

- Oh, not a chance!
Hand over the keys.

- I'm white again! Mama's
breaking out the good pills!

- Hi there.

I hope this new information doesn't
change your offer to write that letter.

- Oh, darling. It
absolutely does.

Nothing personal. I just don't think
you'd feel very comfortable there.

You understand.

(scoffing) - Oh, I understand.

I understand perfectly.

Just like I'm sure the club
wouldn't feel too comfortable

finding out that Lord
Tinsley has cryptorchidism!

- Oh!
- What's cryptork-idis-acha?

- I think it's some
kind of dog herpes?

- It means he only has one ball.
(all gasping)

And anyone who knows dog shows
knows that the rules clearly state

that all competing males
must have two balls.

You're a fraud. I know it,
and so will everyone else,

once I post it on my very
influential platform.

- Ah! You wouldn't!

- Hmm... I just did.

- Huh. Hughes... my friend.

My brother. We're still
good for the condo, right?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, of course.

- Oh, thank God.
- No, we're fine. - What?

This dipshit doesn't have
any money to buy a house.

Hughes can't even touch his
trust fund until he turns 30.

Not after he spent $300,000
replacing his teeth with diamonds.

- They're the back molars, Dad! Okay?
No one can even see them!

- Why did you even put them there, then?
- You don't get it, Dad!

- We should probably go.
(all shouting)

- I'm gonna grab the
butter from the car.

- Have another drink!
- I will!

- Yep, Mom, I ordered the sari.
And you know what?

I'm actually really looking
forward to the wedding.

I know our family may have some
issues, but every family does,

and I'd choose our brand of crazy
over all the others any day.

(mom shouting) No, no, I wasn't calling
you crazy, I just meant that...

(knocking)

Hey, Mom, I gotta go.
My date's here.

No, I'm not gonna ask
him to FaceTime.

Hey, okay. I love you.
Okay, okay.

- Excuse me, your date?
(gasping)

You're going out with Hughes?

- Yeah, I am.
- Hey, guys, um... so...

I just want to apologize for how I
acted when you all first met me.

I came off as, like, this
huge, close-minded d-bag,

but I have changed since
then, thanks to Liza.

I mean, we've had some really great talks
about race and my white privilege,

and I can honestly say that I see
how insensitive I really was.

So I hope you guys can find it
in your hearts to forgive me.

- It's only been 400 years
of institutionalized racism.

But sure. Start fresh.

- Awesome. Thanks, guys!
- See?

I may have had to open up more than a couple
of new credit cars in order to fix my car,

but some good did
come out of this.

I mean, this experience has
really opened up Hughes's eyes.

His gorgeous, blue eyes.

But now that we're not
related, we can go out.

- Wait, what do you mean,
we're not related?

- I mean, we're not related. Remember the
big speech that I gave at your house?

- Oh, yeah, I got bored and zoned out.
Aw, that's a bummer.

The whole kissing-cousins thing was
what was kinda doing it for me.

- Gross. - Well, maybe we could
still pretend to be related?

- Okay, yeah, no.

- No. No, I can't.

- Okay. (Liza): Get out.

(club music) Bloopers!

They have to make every family
function a family function.

'Cause that's what family functions are!
So sorry! (laughter)

I'm so sorry. He was doing a
Little Mermaid impression.

My dad once ate a candle.
(laughter)

(club music)

Well, you know how one minute you're
working for a DNA facility? What?

Well, you know how one minute
you're working for... Mm!

Well... (laughing)

And you accidentally sneeze in a
sample and then, a month later,

someone shows up at your door
wondering if you're related?

Ha-ha. It's a classic sample.
Sample? Ugh!!

On the next Liza on Demand:

They took my face and they Photoshopped
it on another person's body!

- If my boobs looked that good,
I would not be complaining.

- I guess all these gigging jobs
all lead to the same place.

(Liza): I'm no longer using the
internet for anything. So, ha!

- It's incredible what you can see when
you're not staring at a display all day.

- There is a solution to this,
but you can't handle it.

- I walked because I
couldn't get gas in my car,

but then I couldn't call an
Uber, 'cause I'm an Uber,

so I would've just been calling
myself, but... without gas.

Subtitling: difuze