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1
00:00:02,569 --> 00:00:04,670
(electronic music)
2
00:00:04,703 --> 00:00:06,472
- Oliver, can you plug
the router back in?
3
00:00:06,505 --> 00:00:08,141
I'm trying to track a package.
4
00:00:08,173 --> 00:00:09,442
- Ugh, give me a minute.
(Liza): Hey guys?
5
00:00:09,475 --> 00:00:10,476
What's up with the internet?
6
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:13,079
I can't log on to TaskIt.
It's prime gigging hour.
7
00:00:13,112 --> 00:00:14,480
It's right after everyone
checks Instagram,
8
00:00:14,513 --> 00:00:15,347
but before they get drunk.
9
00:00:15,381 --> 00:00:16,816
- I thought as
an "elite status" tasker,
10
00:00:16,849 --> 00:00:18,151
you got your pick
of the jobs?
11
00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:20,219
- I told you,
TaskIt got bought.
12
00:00:20,252 --> 00:00:22,188
Okay? There's no status
of any kind, now.
13
00:00:22,221 --> 00:00:23,389
It's a goddamn free for all!
14
00:00:23,422 --> 00:00:24,457
- Right...
15
00:00:26,859 --> 00:00:28,094
Really?
16
00:00:28,627 --> 00:00:30,797
Nothing about
your situation down there?
17
00:00:31,730 --> 00:00:33,166
- I don't know
what you're talking about.
18
00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:35,601
- The oversized bags
you're carrying?
19
00:00:35,634 --> 00:00:37,437
- Heh. Dude, you're crazy.
20
00:00:38,270 --> 00:00:40,173
- Liza,
when did you get surgery?
21
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:42,742
And why didn't you tell me
so I could "borrow"
some of your Vicodin?
22
00:00:42,775 --> 00:00:45,478
What? It's not for me,
it's for Bark-Paul.
23
00:00:45,511 --> 00:00:47,413
He gets so wound up
before meet-and-greets.
24
00:00:47,446 --> 00:00:49,149
- Hmm.
- Also for me.
25
00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:51,451
- Why can't I experiment
with my look?
26
00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:52,752
I mean, you wear mascara.
27
00:00:52,785 --> 00:00:55,822
- It enhances my beautiful
almond-shaped eyes.
28
00:00:55,855 --> 00:00:57,256
It'd be a crime
not to wear it.
29
00:00:57,289 --> 00:00:59,225
- Well, last week,
two different people
30
00:00:59,258 --> 00:01:00,259
mistook me for a child.
31
00:01:00,293 --> 00:01:02,662
A child.
Granted, one of them
was at the movies,
32
00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:05,165
and I was not about
to turn down that
kids' snack tray.
33
00:01:05,531 --> 00:01:07,667
It comes in a racecar!
Isn't that cool?
- Not really.
34
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:10,136
- But worse,
you know how I signed up for
Toothpaste And Orange Juice?
35
00:01:10,169 --> 00:01:11,404
- The worst name
for a dating app,
36
00:01:11,437 --> 00:01:13,272
literally two things
you should never combine.
37
00:01:13,305 --> 00:01:15,541
- Really? Well,
Michael B. Jordan's on it.
38
00:01:15,574 --> 00:01:16,843
And so is Michael C. Jordan.
39
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:18,511
- Who?
- I don't know, but he's hot.
40
00:01:18,811 --> 00:01:21,447
But anyways, I haven't gotten
one response on my profile.
41
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,483
Not one!
But last night,
42
00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:26,319
I took some new photos
wearing these.
43
00:01:26,352 --> 00:01:27,387
And guess what?
44
00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:29,889
Ba-dow! I got a date!
45
00:01:29,922 --> 00:01:31,724
That's right,
I'm going on a date later.
46
00:01:31,757 --> 00:01:34,327
Because everyone...
Loves...
47
00:01:34,827 --> 00:01:34,827
A woman.
48
00:01:34,827 --> 00:01:36,362
(gasping)
49
00:01:36,395 --> 00:01:38,665
(theme music)
50
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:44,704
- So, Liza...
Who's this date with?
51
00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:45,805
Show, show!
52
00:01:46,338 --> 00:01:48,174
- Well, his name is Tyler,
53
00:01:48,207 --> 00:01:50,510
and look, he's basically
a professional athlete.
54
00:01:50,543 --> 00:01:52,211
There he is wearing
a baseball hat.
55
00:01:52,244 --> 00:01:53,913
Oh, and that's him
on a motorcycle,
56
00:01:53,946 --> 00:01:55,481
and that's a picture
of a pizza.
57
00:01:55,514 --> 00:01:56,616
Oh, it was cheat day.
58
00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:57,650
(Oliver): I dunno...
59
00:01:57,683 --> 00:01:58,818
What happens after the date?
60
00:01:58,851 --> 00:02:02,355
During open house, when Tyler
wants to tour upstairs,
61
00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:05,625
but it's much smaller
than the pictures online?
62
00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:07,426
- Is everything
real estate with you?
63
00:02:07,459 --> 00:02:08,594
- Write what you know.
64
00:02:08,627 --> 00:02:10,429
- Well, he will not
be taking that tour.
65
00:02:10,461 --> 00:02:13,166
And even if he does,
it'll definitely be
in the dark.
66
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:15,635
Nudity is strictly
reserved for lights out.
67
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:18,471
I was publicly naked
for one day, and one day only,
68
00:02:18,504 --> 00:02:19,772
and that was the day
I was born.
69
00:02:19,805 --> 00:02:21,374
And I intend
to keep it that way.
70
00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:23,510
Okay! So how's my outfit
for my date?
71
00:02:23,976 --> 00:02:25,811
He's taking me
to Office-topia.
72
00:02:25,844 --> 00:02:28,614
(gasping): What? Office-topia?
73
00:02:28,647 --> 00:02:29,782
- What is Office-topia?
74
00:02:30,249 --> 00:02:33,553
- Um, only the hottest
Instagram installation.
75
00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:36,656
There are all these office
spaces, and you pretend
you work in an office,
76
00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:38,824
and take pictures to post. Ugh!
77
00:02:38,857 --> 00:02:41,894
- And you get to send
emails, and faxes,
78
00:02:41,927 --> 00:02:44,297
and every two hours
it's somebody's birthday,
79
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:45,631
and they have cake
in the break-room.
80
00:02:45,664 --> 00:02:46,799
- Oh! And I hear
that there's
81
00:02:46,832 --> 00:02:48,367
this woman named Karen
who just sits there
82
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,835
and complains
that the AC is too high.
83
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:51,470
- This just sounds like
somebody's office
84
00:02:51,503 --> 00:02:53,806
where they're scamming you
all to come in and do free work.
85
00:02:53,839 --> 00:02:55,942
- Oliver. If it was a scam,
86
00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:59,913
could you take a picture
with this gigantic
World's Best Boss mug?
87
00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:02,915
(Harlow): It is impossible
to get a reservation.
88
00:03:02,948 --> 00:03:04,917
I had a spot, but
I had to give it up.
89
00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:06,819
I ordered Bark-Paul
the cutest little
90
00:03:06,852 --> 00:03:08,654
three-piece suit
to wear from Japan,
91
00:03:08,687 --> 00:03:11,357
but I missed
the delivery,
like, twice!
92
00:03:11,390 --> 00:03:12,592
Which makes zero sense,
93
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:13,826
because I've literally
just been sitting here
94
00:03:13,859 --> 00:03:14,860
waiting for it.
95
00:03:14,893 --> 00:03:16,229
If I don't
get it by today,
96
00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:17,530
they're gonna send it
back to Tokyo!
97
00:03:17,796 --> 00:03:19,365
Kay, put the router back in!
98
00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:20,399
- I'm working on it!
99
00:03:20,432 --> 00:03:21,467
(phone chiming)
100
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:22,835
- Oh, a TaskIt!
101
00:03:23,435 --> 00:03:25,905
Perfect. I'm gonna squeeze
in a job right before my date.
102
00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:28,341
A model?
103
00:03:29,541 --> 00:03:30,476
That's amazing.
104
00:03:30,509 --> 00:03:33,646
See, I also put my new look
on my TaskIt app.
105
00:03:33,679 --> 00:03:36,749
Everybody loves these things.
They open doors.
106
00:03:36,782 --> 00:03:37,917
They're master keys!
107
00:03:37,950 --> 00:03:38,985
- Okay.
108
00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:41,988
- I'm a model!
I'm a woman model!
109
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,559
A woman model.
110
00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:50,930
- So, you're all set.
Glad you came back.
111
00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:53,599
- Hi, there. I'm here
for the modeling job.
112
00:03:53,632 --> 00:03:55,735
- Ooh! Look at you,
you're perfect.
113
00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:57,370
- Perfect? Well...
114
00:03:57,870 --> 00:04:00,273
I don't really believe
in labels, but if you must.
115
00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:01,674
- So, you've
done this before?
116
00:04:01,707 --> 00:04:03,543
- Modeling? Yeah.
117
00:04:03,976 --> 00:04:05,578
I mean, when you look
like this it's like,
118
00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:07,580
"Oh! Please!
Stop objectifying me!"
119
00:04:07,613 --> 00:04:09,315
- I'm just waiting
on the other model.
120
00:04:09,348 --> 00:04:11,050
When she gets here,
you can both get undressed.
121
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,785
There are robes inside
you can put on
122
00:04:12,818 --> 00:04:13,886
until we get started!
123
00:04:13,919 --> 00:04:15,688
- Un? Undressed?
- What?
124
00:04:15,721 --> 00:04:18,992
It's a life-drawing class,
to study the naked human form.
125
00:04:19,791 --> 00:04:20,826
- Wha--
126
00:04:22,761 --> 00:04:23,863
Oh, God.
127
00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:27,500
(electronic music)
128
00:04:29,768 --> 00:04:31,371
(whispering): A lot of nipples!
129
00:04:35,674 --> 00:04:37,410
- Oliver? What is this?
130
00:04:37,843 --> 00:04:38,744
Oh, my God, did you...
131
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:41,013
photoshop our faces
onto a wedding picture?
132
00:04:41,046 --> 00:04:42,415
That is so creepy.
133
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:43,449
I mean, look at that tiara.
134
00:04:43,482 --> 00:04:44,750
What is this, junior prom?
135
00:04:44,783 --> 00:04:45,785
- Well, see...
136
00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:47,820
I met a really hot
hubby-chaser
137
00:04:47,853 --> 00:04:48,954
at the market
a couple weeks ago.
138
00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:51,657
- Oh, don't say that!
I think you look really good!
139
00:04:51,690 --> 00:04:52,959
- Hubby-chaser.
140
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,661
It's a guy who's turned on
by straight men on the DL.
141
00:04:55,694 --> 00:04:58,798
Anyway... I may have
pretended to be married,
142
00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:01,467
and let him lure me
out of the closet.
143
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:03,436
I thought it was gonna be
a one-time thing,
144
00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,770
but we're kinda vibing.
145
00:05:04,803 --> 00:05:07,640
We went out last week,
I made him meet me in Pasadena
146
00:05:07,673 --> 00:05:09,809
so no one from "my church"
would see us.
147
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,044
But then I caught him
checking out a man
148
00:05:12,077 --> 00:05:16,515
who was walking with his wife,
and now he won't text me back.
149
00:05:16,548 --> 00:05:17,883
- Because you're not
straight enough?
150
00:05:17,916 --> 00:05:18,951
- Exactly!
151
00:05:19,518 --> 00:05:20,386
So I'm leveling up.
152
00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:22,788
He's gonna come over here,
and see exactly
153
00:05:22,821 --> 00:05:25,558
how goddamn straight I am!
154
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:27,593
- Oh...
155
00:05:27,626 --> 00:05:28,928
- I mean...
(clears throat)
156
00:05:30,028 --> 00:05:31,064
- Wait, today?
157
00:05:31,563 --> 00:05:33,032
Oliver, no,
I have to wait here
158
00:05:33,065 --> 00:05:34,734
all day for my delivery.
159
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:36,836
They didn't knock while
I was in the shower,
did they?
160
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:38,738
- Oh, shoot, that's right.
161
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:40,873
Well, since you're gonna
be here anyway...
162
00:05:41,173 --> 00:05:43,509
- You knew that I couldn't leave
163
00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:45,077
so you invited him over
164
00:05:45,110 --> 00:05:47,380
for me to be
your fake wife,
didn't you?
165
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:48,681
- What? He's an I.T. guy,
166
00:05:48,714 --> 00:05:50,483
and he's coming over here
to fix the router.
167
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:52,685
That way you can get online
and track down Bark-Paul's suit.
168
00:05:52,718 --> 00:05:53,953
- Is the router even broken?
169
00:05:56,688 --> 00:05:57,724
- Of course it is.
170
00:05:58,658 --> 00:05:59,959
You don't have a pair
of mom jeans, do you?
171
00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:02,962
- Ugh, you know I have several.
They accentuate my small waist.
172
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:05,031
(electronic music)
173
00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:08,701
- You can do this.
They're just gonna draw you.
174
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:10,436
Like a bowl of fruit.
175
00:06:10,769 --> 00:06:12,939
And I'm a flat piece of fruit.
176
00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:16,576
Come on, come on.
The teacher said
you were perfect.
177
00:06:18,043 --> 00:06:20,546
- Sorry I'm late.
- Whoa!
178
00:06:20,979 --> 00:06:23,082
Hey, you might be
new here too,
179
00:06:23,115 --> 00:06:24,617
but there are robes.
180
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:25,951
- We're just gonna
take 'em off right?
181
00:06:25,984 --> 00:06:27,520
- Yeah, you're right. Yeah.
182
00:06:27,886 --> 00:06:28,921
Good points.
183
00:06:28,954 --> 00:06:31,457
Boobs. Points. Nipples.
I'm sorry.
184
00:06:31,490 --> 00:06:34,127
(art teacher): Okay,
can I see the models, please?
185
00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:37,029
Can we see the other model?
186
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,766
- Yup! I'll be right there!
187
00:06:40,098 --> 00:06:41,567
With no clothes on!
188
00:06:42,134 --> 00:06:43,669
In front of all these strangers,
189
00:06:43,702 --> 00:06:45,671
to observe my every...
my every flaw.
190
00:06:46,638 --> 00:06:47,673
In one...
191
00:06:48,807 --> 00:06:51,010
Two... Two and a half.
192
00:06:52,110 --> 00:06:53,813
Who am I kidding,
I'm not gonna do this.
193
00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:54,981
Maybe start without me!
194
00:06:57,149 --> 00:06:58,718
Oh, what the...?
This isn't the dressing room.
195
00:06:59,084 --> 00:07:02,021
Oh no. No, no, no, no!
196
00:07:02,521 --> 00:07:04,457
I can't walk around front
in this tiny robe!
197
00:07:13,131 --> 00:07:15,568
Oh please let me walk around
front in this tiny robe...
198
00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:21,040
Hello? Anyone?!
199
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,076
I know you're all staring
at a perfectly proportioned
naked woman,
200
00:07:24,109 --> 00:07:25,578
but... hello?!
201
00:07:28,046 --> 00:07:29,849
I guess I'm just gonna
have to die here.
202
00:07:30,182 --> 00:07:32,685
They're just gonna find
my tiny skeleton in a robe.
203
00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:39,959
My date! Tyler! Office-topia!
204
00:07:43,862 --> 00:07:44,897
Okay.
205
00:07:46,131 --> 00:07:47,934
Just have to make it over there
without anybody seeing me.
206
00:07:48,767 --> 00:07:50,002
Like a naked Banksy...
207
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:56,709
(electronic dance music)
208
00:08:08,086 --> 00:08:09,622
Here, let me help you with that!
- Whoa!
209
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,591
- I've got it.
You can stay there.
210
00:08:14,226 --> 00:08:15,961
It's a new service
from the post office.
211
00:08:15,994 --> 00:08:17,063
Hand delivery.
212
00:08:17,629 --> 00:08:20,099
No more waiting in line
at the... mailbox.
213
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,035
You have a good day, now!
214
00:08:35,179 --> 00:08:36,214
Huh...
215
00:08:37,015 --> 00:08:37,883
Not bad.
216
00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,886
(flies buzzing)
This could be my new look.
217
00:08:41,852 --> 00:08:45,090
Did someone pee on this?
Is that blood?
218
00:08:45,123 --> 00:08:46,659
It's all the fluids!
219
00:08:57,135 --> 00:09:00,706
- Oh! You look
adorable in this.
220
00:09:00,739 --> 00:09:02,274
- Oh! Thanks!
221
00:09:02,307 --> 00:09:04,910
I was just walking by
with all my clothes on
and thought,
222
00:09:04,943 --> 00:09:07,179
"Oh, I have to try
that coat on." So I did.
223
00:09:07,212 --> 00:09:09,081
(chuckling)
- Good!
224
00:09:09,114 --> 00:09:12,084
You know actually, I have a ton
like this inside. Come see!
225
00:09:12,117 --> 00:09:14,720
- Inside? Of course.
'Cause you're a store.
226
00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:18,057
You're not just giving away
coats out here. Are you?
227
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:21,027
(knocking, Oliver clears throat)
228
00:09:23,228 --> 00:09:25,031
- Hello, there.
- Hello yourself.
229
00:09:26,898 --> 00:09:27,967
(in a deep voice): Honey!
230
00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:30,202
The guy's here
to fix the router!
231
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:32,772
The guy I've never
met before.
232
00:09:33,038 --> 00:09:33,939
- So, uh...
233
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:37,176
This is where you live?
With your wife?
234
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:39,812
- Shh! I can't get caught.
235
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:42,181
- There you are,
my chocolate love!
236
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,784
My husband.
237
00:09:46,718 --> 00:09:48,087
(forced laughter)
238
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,624
Oh! I didn't even realize
there was anyone else here!
239
00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:54,026
I never do when Mr. Right
is in the room.
240
00:09:55,193 --> 00:09:58,598
Isn't he just the most handsome
groom you've ever seen?
241
00:09:58,797 --> 00:10:00,633
Because we're married.
To each other.
242
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:01,567
- Yup, we are married.
243
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,937
- Uh, and we have so much
heterosexual sex!
244
00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:07,707
Sex, sex, sex! Ooh!
245
00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:09,908
He can't keep
his hands off me!
246
00:10:09,941 --> 00:10:11,243
So much boning.
247
00:10:11,276 --> 00:10:13,346
- Okay, would you excuse us
for a second?
248
00:10:15,714 --> 00:10:17,216
What are you doing?
I'm supposed to be
249
00:10:17,249 --> 00:10:19,385
in an unhappy marriage,
no sex!
250
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:20,519
That's why I stray!
251
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,955
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
You stray because you're gay.
252
00:10:22,988 --> 00:10:26,258
Not because I don't satisfy you.
I'm all satisfaction, honey.
253
00:10:26,291 --> 00:10:27,727
- Also, "chocolate love"?
254
00:10:27,926 --> 00:10:29,128
- You thought it was so adorable
255
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:30,729
when I called you that
in our wedding toast!
256
00:10:30,762 --> 00:10:32,264
- There was no wedding toast!
257
00:10:32,297 --> 00:10:33,332
- Oh, okay, sure.
258
00:10:33,365 --> 00:10:34,767
Next thing,
you're gonna tell me
259
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,368
there was no honeymoon
in Bora Bora.
260
00:10:36,401 --> 00:10:37,403
- Wh--
261
00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:38,671
Wait, we went to Bora Bora?
262
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:41,340
Did we stay in one of those
cute over-water bungalows?
263
00:10:41,373 --> 00:10:45,377
No, no! Just go back out there
and be more unhappy.
264
00:10:45,410 --> 00:10:47,279
Like a real married couple.
265
00:10:47,312 --> 00:10:48,146
- Fine.
266
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:49,915
But I'm not spending
another Christmas
267
00:10:49,948 --> 00:10:51,250
with your family in Buffalo.
268
00:10:51,783 --> 00:10:53,419
- I'm not even from Buffalo!
269
00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:56,288
(Anna): Yeah, so I can come in
tomorrow to get a spray tan.
270
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:59,725
Yeah, I just feel so pale.
Mm-hmm.
271
00:10:59,758 --> 00:11:02,094
(bell chiming)
Hey! What are you doing?
272
00:11:02,127 --> 00:11:03,162
- What's that?
273
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,064
Oh, I was just...
274
00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:07,132
Just trying to see this
in a more natural light.
275
00:11:07,165 --> 00:11:09,401
Because fluorescence,
you know?
276
00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:11,470
- So you weren't trying
to leave without paying,
were you?
277
00:11:11,503 --> 00:11:13,005
- Oh, I would never!
278
00:11:13,405 --> 00:11:16,375
Wait a second, did you think
I was...? With this?
279
00:11:16,408 --> 00:11:19,078
I... Ha! That's hysterical!
280
00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:22,782
No, see, if only you knew
how often I pay for stuff.
281
00:11:23,281 --> 00:11:25,117
Which I do. Often.
282
00:11:28,487 --> 00:11:31,090
Well, that's a lovely tan
you've got there.
283
00:11:31,423 --> 00:11:33,826
Very, uh... natural?
284
00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:35,761
- Oh, thank you!
285
00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:39,998
People with more color are
statistically proven to be
more attractive.
286
00:11:40,031 --> 00:11:44,036
It helps us not to procreate
with the weak and sickly.
287
00:11:44,469 --> 00:11:45,705
- Right...
288
00:11:46,104 --> 00:11:47,840
Hey, do you have
a phone I can use?
289
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:48,908
- Mm-hmm.
290
00:11:53,011 --> 00:11:54,046
- Thanks.
291
00:11:56,381 --> 00:11:57,416
Slippery.
292
00:11:57,949 --> 00:11:59,819
- So this is where
the router is.
293
00:12:01,119 --> 00:12:03,456
Right here. In the closet.
294
00:12:05,123 --> 00:12:06,792
- You like it here
in the closet?
295
00:12:06,825 --> 00:12:08,194
- I dunno what
you're talking about.
296
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:12,464
I'm just a married man
who needs another hot man
to fix his Wi-Fi.
297
00:12:12,497 --> 00:12:16,736
(clattering)
- You wanna see what tool
I'm gonna use?
298
00:12:17,969 --> 00:12:19,371
(phone ringing)
299
00:12:19,404 --> 00:12:21,741
(Harlow): Oliver! Where are you?
300
00:12:22,107 --> 00:12:23,142
- Just one sec.
301
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:25,310
Hey. Kind of in the middle
of something.
302
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:27,780
- Great. I need you to go into
my room, grab me some clothes,
303
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:28,748
and come meet me
near Office-topia.
304
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:31,283
- What? Are you crazy?
I'm not doing that.
305
00:12:31,483 --> 00:12:33,152
- Can you come and bring me
some money then?
306
00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,154
Look, I am trapped at
a vintage store on third,
307
00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:36,889
with a lady who
has a worse fake tan
308
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:38,190
than all the
Real Housewives combined!
309
00:12:38,223 --> 00:12:39,324
- No! No!
310
00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:41,927
- Please? Look, I lost all
my clothes and my wallet,
311
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,862
and I've literally been running
around Los Angeles naked!
312
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:45,531
- Oh, good God!
313
00:12:45,997 --> 00:12:47,032
(Harlow): Sweetheart?
314
00:12:47,999 --> 00:12:48,967
- Shh.
- Okay, fine,
315
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,402
I'll clean the bathroom
for the next month,
316
00:12:50,435 --> 00:12:52,070
and I'll stop eating
your chili cashews.
317
00:12:52,103 --> 00:12:53,539
- I knew that was you!
318
00:12:53,572 --> 00:12:56,241
Okay fine, I will meet you
by Office-topia,
319
00:12:56,274 --> 00:12:58,811
but if you're not there,
I'm leaving your clothes
in the nearest trash can.
320
00:12:58,844 --> 00:12:59,945
I'm not waiting for you.
321
00:12:59,978 --> 00:13:01,280
- That's aggressive,
but thank you.
322
00:13:03,982 --> 00:13:05,117
Oh!
323
00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:07,553
- Worse than all
the Real Housewives?
324
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:10,256
- I meant that as a...
compliment?
325
00:13:11,623 --> 00:13:13,926
I'm so sorry. I'm awful.
326
00:13:14,326 --> 00:13:16,328
And grotesquely pale, but...
327
00:13:16,361 --> 00:13:19,598
Do you could find it
in your heart to lend me
something to wear?
328
00:13:19,631 --> 00:13:20,866
Anything?
329
00:13:26,304 --> 00:13:27,473
It's brown bag chic!
330
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,545
Dakota Fanning wore
the same one!
331
00:13:34,412 --> 00:13:36,248
I don't have paper cuts
in my armpits!
332
00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:42,188
Is that... Tyler?
333
00:13:44,222 --> 00:13:45,291
Office-topia.
334
00:13:50,128 --> 00:13:53,966
(rhythmic music)
335
00:13:57,135 --> 00:13:59,404
- Welcome to Bee Well Bee-Tox,
do you have an appointment?
336
00:13:59,437 --> 00:14:01,640
- Huh? Oh, uh... no.
337
00:14:01,673 --> 00:14:05,043
- Oh, that's okay. I think
we can squeeze in a walk-in.
338
00:14:05,076 --> 00:14:06,511
Love your dress by the way.
339
00:14:06,544 --> 00:14:08,013
Is this your first time
getting Bee-Tox?
340
00:14:08,046 --> 00:14:10,482
Well, welcome to the newest
skin care miracle!
341
00:14:10,515 --> 00:14:13,619
All the benefits of botox
and fillers with none
of the chemicals.
342
00:14:13,652 --> 00:14:16,422
It's just all-natural bee venom.
343
00:14:16,988 --> 00:14:19,358
- You... sting people
on the face, with bees?
344
00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:23,128
- No. Not unless
you spring for the top
of the line Queen Package.
345
00:14:23,161 --> 00:14:25,130
Most people just do
the basic injections.
346
00:14:25,163 --> 00:14:27,933
You probably have, hmm...
another year
347
00:14:27,966 --> 00:14:29,635
before we have
to address the eyes.
348
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:32,638
But the lip plumping
is a "right now."
349
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:35,207
Lauren, if you're having trouble
breathing, just give me a nudge.
350
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,609
(Lauren, muffled): Mm-hmm!
- Ready? Let's get you lips.
351
00:14:37,642 --> 00:14:39,244
They get you likes.
352
00:14:39,277 --> 00:14:40,679
- Okay. Um, I'm good...
353
00:14:40,712 --> 00:14:43,415
I actually have some bees
at home that I can use...
354
00:14:43,448 --> 00:14:45,183
So I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna.
355
00:14:45,216 --> 00:14:46,518
- Careful!
- Oh, oh!
356
00:14:46,551 --> 00:14:49,922
(bee buzzing)
Oh... I think...
357
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:50,990
I think one got out.
358
00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:54,026
- No, no. Don't swat it!
It's a certified medical aid!
359
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,061
(buzzing)
360
00:14:57,696 --> 00:15:01,133
- It's in here. It's in my bag.
It's in my bag!
361
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:02,601
It's trying to get all up
in my hive!
362
00:15:03,702 --> 00:15:04,970
It's in my hive!
363
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,277
This place is a nightmare!
364
00:15:11,743 --> 00:15:13,979
(sobbing)
365
00:15:14,012 --> 00:15:17,015
- Okay, that was
a lot more complicated
366
00:15:17,048 --> 00:15:19,218
than I thought. Yeah.
367
00:15:19,718 --> 00:15:22,154
Uh... Do you know when
Oliver's coming back?
368
00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:23,956
- Me?
(scoffing)
369
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:26,725
Please. He doesn't
tell me anything anymore.
370
00:15:26,758 --> 00:15:29,461
Always sneaking off,
saying he's going to the gym.
371
00:15:29,494 --> 00:15:32,932
(sighs): We used
to be so happy.
372
00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:34,667
But I'm not giving up.
373
00:15:35,266 --> 00:15:38,270
He's my man, and I will
make this marriage work.
374
00:15:38,303 --> 00:15:41,506
- Um... Bark-Paul Gosselaar?
You're a fan too?
375
00:15:41,539 --> 00:15:42,708
- Fan?
(scoffing)
376
00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:44,510
Honey, he's my dog.
377
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,579
- Shut up! I adore!
378
00:15:47,612 --> 00:15:49,514
- I know, he is pretty
adorable, isn't he?
379
00:15:49,547 --> 00:15:52,451
- When you dressed him up
like Jonathan Van Ness
from Queer Eye,
380
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:54,319
okay! That was a moment!
381
00:15:54,352 --> 00:15:55,587
- It was, wasn't it!
382
00:15:55,620 --> 00:15:57,489
(giggling)
You wanna meet him?
383
00:15:57,522 --> 00:15:58,523
- Are you serious?
384
00:15:58,556 --> 00:15:59,725
- Come on!
- Okay!
385
00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:07,199
- Oh. Why yes I would
like to learn French.
386
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:12,271
Merde.
387
00:16:15,206 --> 00:16:19,478
(soft music)
388
00:16:26,484 --> 00:16:29,221
- Hey! Where did you get that?!
- What?
389
00:16:29,454 --> 00:16:31,223
- That poster. You need
to give it to me.
390
00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:33,759
- Oh, this? Look, I'm so sorry.
391
00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,728
It's a really long story,
but I kind of really
need it right now.
392
00:16:36,761 --> 00:16:38,563
I can hang it back up
as soon as I'm done--
393
00:16:38,596 --> 00:16:41,666
- No! I have been
all over town tearing
those awful things down.
394
00:16:41,699 --> 00:16:43,568
They are extremely offensive.
395
00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:44,803
Have you seen
the woman on the cover?
396
00:16:44,836 --> 00:16:46,638
- Yes. What's wrong with her?
397
00:16:46,671 --> 00:16:50,542
- I have spent years starving
myself and working out,
398
00:16:50,575 --> 00:16:53,779
and now they're just gonna
put someone like that
on the cover, huh?!
399
00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:54,980
This has all just been
for nothing?
400
00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:58,216
What, now they're just gonna let
fat people star in movies,
401
00:16:58,249 --> 00:17:01,753
and do love scenes,
and go to the beach
in bathing suits?
402
00:17:01,786 --> 00:17:05,624
Without shame?! No!
I won't stand for it!
403
00:17:05,656 --> 00:17:07,358
Okay? I don't want
a level playing field!
404
00:17:07,392 --> 00:17:08,460
Give it to me!
- No!
405
00:17:08,492 --> 00:17:09,660
- It should be me
on that cover!
406
00:17:09,694 --> 00:17:12,264
Do you know how many times
I've posted about Bikini Tea?
407
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:15,167
I have to be within five feet
of a bathroom at all times.
408
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:20,072
You can't outrun me.
I had breakfast on Tuesday.
409
00:17:21,806 --> 00:17:23,042
Oh!
410
00:17:25,542 --> 00:17:26,577
Ha-ha-ha!
411
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,149
Ooh... I need to find
a bathroom.
412
00:17:31,149 --> 00:17:33,519
(upbeat music)
413
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,160
(Liza): Oliver! Oliver!
414
00:17:42,794 --> 00:17:43,795
Over here!
415
00:17:43,828 --> 00:17:45,397
- Miss, you can't stand here.
416
00:17:45,430 --> 00:17:47,165
I could lose my license
having a naked person
417
00:17:47,198 --> 00:17:48,200
this close to the fruit.
418
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,268
- Got it.
419
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:52,437
- Also, you're gonna have
to pay for those coconuts
420
00:17:52,470 --> 00:17:53,538
now that they've
touched your body.
421
00:17:53,571 --> 00:17:54,773
- Sorry.
- I can't believe
422
00:17:54,806 --> 00:17:56,541
how many people are
lined up for this crap.
423
00:17:56,574 --> 00:17:57,609
Here.
424
00:17:58,276 --> 00:17:59,378
- Thank you so much.
425
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:02,581
I'm sorry. I'll just get dressed
and get out of your way.
426
00:18:02,914 --> 00:18:04,149
He'll even buy some fruit.
427
00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:06,485
And the coconuts.
428
00:18:06,818 --> 00:18:08,187
- I will not.
429
00:18:09,687 --> 00:18:11,289
Actually, only because
you have papaya.
430
00:18:11,322 --> 00:18:13,225
- You would not believe
the day I've had.
431
00:18:13,591 --> 00:18:17,362
Oh, my God. You did great
with this outfit. I love it.
432
00:18:17,395 --> 00:18:19,598
- I've told you
a million times,
let me style you!
433
00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:21,700
- New day. I'm here for it.
(chuckling)
434
00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:23,602
Okay, I just need to top load.
435
00:18:25,370 --> 00:18:27,439
- For the record, I still
think this is wrong.
436
00:18:27,472 --> 00:18:29,407
- Voila! How do I look?
437
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,176
- Like a woman who's
lying about her body.
438
00:18:31,543 --> 00:18:33,678
Now if you'll excuse me,
I need to go home
and pretend to be
439
00:18:33,711 --> 00:18:35,914
a straight,
closeted gay man
in a made-up marriage
440
00:18:35,947 --> 00:18:38,350
in order to be
more attractive
to another gay man.
441
00:18:38,716 --> 00:18:39,751
- Hmm...
442
00:18:43,788 --> 00:18:44,823
Tyler?
443
00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:47,159
- Liza?
- Hey.
444
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:48,627
It's so great
to meet you in person.
445
00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:56,135
Oh, I... That's just my...
that's nothing.
446
00:18:57,235 --> 00:18:58,270
It's just...
447
00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:01,240
Beautiful day, huh?
448
00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:08,814
How did tropical fruit
get in my shirt, what?
449
00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:13,752
Okay, Tyler? I have
to be honest with you.
450
00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:19,925
I imagine this is less
of a surprise the second time.
451
00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:22,394
Look...
452
00:19:23,361 --> 00:19:25,964
I've spent the entire day
trying to hide
453
00:19:25,997 --> 00:19:28,233
what I really look like,
as if somehow,
454
00:19:28,266 --> 00:19:30,302
something is inherently
wrong with me.
455
00:19:30,568 --> 00:19:33,738
And I don't want to waste
any more time fighting my hair,
456
00:19:33,771 --> 00:19:35,774
or by body, or my skin,
457
00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:39,477
trying to live up to some
arbitrary beauty standard!
458
00:19:39,510 --> 00:19:41,446
I'd much rather
spend that time...
459
00:19:42,380 --> 00:19:45,884
...learning French,
or helping the homeless, or...
460
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:47,886
...catching up on Breaking Bad,
461
00:19:47,919 --> 00:19:48,987
because I've never seen it,
462
00:19:49,020 --> 00:19:50,121
and I don't think
I can handle
463
00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:53,525
another person saying,
"You've never seen
Breaking Bad?"
464
00:19:53,758 --> 00:19:54,559
Please don't say it.
465
00:19:54,592 --> 00:19:56,394
(woman): Seriously?
It's amazing!
466
00:19:56,427 --> 00:19:58,630
- So I've heard!
Anyway...
467
00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:00,732
What I'm trying to say is...
468
00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:03,902
I'm done,
done with hiding...
469
00:20:03,935 --> 00:20:05,571
from the world, but...
470
00:20:06,337 --> 00:20:07,539
more importantly,
471
00:20:08,673 --> 00:20:09,841
from myself.
472
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:13,011
You know, there is
no one else here
473
00:20:13,044 --> 00:20:15,414
who looks exactly like me.
474
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:16,882
And you know what?
475
00:20:17,915 --> 00:20:19,251
I like that.
476
00:20:19,784 --> 00:20:21,553
I like me.
477
00:20:23,454 --> 00:20:27,526
I'm perfect because
I'm not perfect.
478
00:20:28,459 --> 00:20:31,630
(crowd clamoring)
479
00:20:34,599 --> 00:20:37,836
We're all perfect,
however God made us!
480
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:40,572
(cameras clicking)
481
00:20:40,605 --> 00:20:42,874
- Can somebody change
the toner in the copy machine?
482
00:20:42,907 --> 00:20:45,344
(commotion)
483
00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:50,849
- I really appreciate
your honesty, Liza.
484
00:20:51,082 --> 00:20:53,585
You're brave, and
you're inspiring me
to be brave too.
485
00:20:55,086 --> 00:20:56,755
I can't see a thing
without these.
486
00:20:58,990 --> 00:21:01,960
Sorry, you just got,
like super HD right there.
487
00:21:01,993 --> 00:21:03,295
And also...
488
00:21:07,732 --> 00:21:09,334
- I should've seen that coming.
489
00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:10,836
You had a hat on
in all your photos.
490
00:21:11,669 --> 00:21:13,405
Hey. I think you look good.
491
00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:15,640
- And I think you're perfect.
492
00:21:15,673 --> 00:21:18,644
- Ah. Perfectly imperfect.
493
00:21:18,910 --> 00:21:19,945
- This feels really right.
494
00:21:21,012 --> 00:21:22,881
Wanna go back to my place
and put some clothes on?
495
00:21:22,914 --> 00:21:23,948
- Yeah.
496
00:21:27,819 --> 00:21:30,322
- Oh, yes, yes!
497
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:31,623
- Are you going
to work today?
498
00:21:32,090 --> 00:21:34,426
- Honey.
- You're just so cute!
499
00:21:34,692 --> 00:21:35,994
- Sorry it took so long.
500
00:21:36,494 --> 00:21:37,495
- Hi, sir.
501
00:21:37,528 --> 00:21:39,431
Can I talk to you
for a sec
502
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:41,466
about some stuff
I found in your system?
503
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:43,768
- I hope it was nothing bad.
504
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:46,071
- We need to stop this.
505
00:21:46,104 --> 00:21:48,940
Your wife is a lovely,
lovely person,
506
00:21:48,973 --> 00:21:51,543
and she's crazy
about you!
507
00:21:51,576 --> 00:21:53,111
I got to know her,
and what I realized is
508
00:21:53,144 --> 00:21:55,013
what we're doing,
it's wrong.
509
00:21:55,046 --> 00:21:58,416
Yeah, it's unfair.
We need to end this lie,
510
00:21:58,449 --> 00:22:00,585
because you owe yourself,
and that woman
511
00:22:00,618 --> 00:22:01,887
a little bit of truth.
512
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,123
Plus, I'm 99% sure
I broke your router.
513
00:22:05,156 --> 00:22:06,725
I'm not really
certified in I.T.
514
00:22:06,758 --> 00:22:08,093
I just took
an online course
515
00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:09,928
and then dropped out
a day later.
516
00:22:09,961 --> 00:22:11,429
Ha! Sorry!
517
00:22:11,462 --> 00:22:12,497
- Ugh.
518
00:22:13,598 --> 00:22:15,667
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you
doing home so early?
519
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:18,903
- Well, Tyler came out about
being bald, being blind,
520
00:22:18,936 --> 00:22:21,639
but managed to leave out
the part about being married.
521
00:22:21,672 --> 00:22:22,774
- What?
- Yeah.
522
00:22:22,807 --> 00:22:23,842
We went back
to his place,
523
00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:25,744
and there were pictures
of his wife everywhere.
524
00:22:25,777 --> 00:22:27,479
Apparently, she was
out of town for the weekend.
525
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:31,450
- Ugh, that is terrible! Ugh!
526
00:22:32,450 --> 00:22:35,620
How bald? And does he
by any chance need help
with his internet?
527
00:22:35,653 --> 00:22:37,489
- Don't answer that.
Get out of here.
528
00:22:40,191 --> 00:22:41,893
(sighing, scoffing)
529
00:22:43,394 --> 00:22:44,796
- I can't believe you guys
didn't photoshop me
into your fake wedding.
530
00:22:44,829 --> 00:22:45,897
- Of course I did.
531
00:22:47,765 --> 00:22:48,800
See?
532
00:22:51,869 --> 00:22:53,438
- Are my nostrils
really that big?
533
00:22:55,606 --> 00:22:57,642
Jeez, it's like
the Grand Canyon.
534
00:22:58,743 --> 00:23:00,078
Nobody look at me,
I'm a monster!
535
00:23:00,111 --> 00:23:03,081
(theme music)
536
00:23:03,714 --> 00:23:04,883
♪ We go to work ♪
537
00:23:04,916 --> 00:23:06,385
Yeah, baby.
538
00:23:06,651 --> 00:23:08,086
Oliver, you men are crazy...
539
00:23:09,153 --> 00:23:10,455
(laughing)
540
00:23:10,488 --> 00:23:12,090
♪ We go to work
We go to work ♪
541
00:23:12,123 --> 00:23:13,858
♪ We go to work
We go to work ♪
542
00:23:13,891 --> 00:23:15,093
It's all the fluids!
543
00:23:15,693 --> 00:23:16,728
Hey!
544
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:18,797
♪ Work work work ♪
545
00:23:18,830 --> 00:23:20,532
♪ We go to
work work work ♪
546
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,768
Blah! What are you
gonna do with me?!
547
00:23:23,234 --> 00:23:24,636
I got hair in my mouth,
I'm sorry.
548
00:23:24,669 --> 00:23:28,039
- Also, "chocolate l--"
Oh, mmm, damn it!
549
00:23:28,072 --> 00:23:32,911
I took away your line,
and that is what men do.
Straight men.
550
00:23:32,944 --> 00:23:35,113
- Strictly nudity. What?
551
00:23:39,550 --> 00:23:40,719
Ah-ha!
552
00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:44,589
- On the next Liza On Demand...
553
00:23:44,622 --> 00:23:46,858
(Liza): Can you believe
they're just letting me
use this car?
554
00:23:46,891 --> 00:23:48,626
I mean, the glove box
is refrigerated.
555
00:23:48,659 --> 00:23:50,695
I went out
and I bought butter
just for the car.
556
00:23:50,728 --> 00:23:51,529
(Oliver): What's going on?
557
00:23:51,562 --> 00:23:52,730
(Liza): One minute,
you're working
558
00:23:52,763 --> 00:23:53,664
in a DNA testing facility,
559
00:23:53,698 --> 00:23:55,533
and you accidentally
sneeze in a sample,
560
00:23:55,566 --> 00:23:56,835
and a month later,
someone comes to your door
561
00:23:56,868 --> 00:23:57,869
because they think
you're related.
562
00:23:57,902 --> 00:23:58,970
- Ah!
(laughing)
563
00:23:59,003 --> 00:24:00,638
Mommy's side
fought in the civil war.
564
00:24:00,671 --> 00:24:02,740
And for the right side.
- Which side is the right side?
565
00:24:02,773 --> 00:24:03,975
- Oh!
- Ah!
566
00:24:04,008 --> 00:24:06,077
(laughing)
- Your white side owes us this.
567
00:24:06,110 --> 00:24:08,647
- That is some messed up logic.
- Let's go!
568
00:24:09,213 --> 00:24:12,584
Right now, you can go and binge
all episodes without any ads
569
00:24:12,617 --> 00:00:00,000
if you sign up
for YouTube Premium.
The first month is free.
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