Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,005
Colonel sandurz?
2
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,175
What is it, sergeant ricco?
3
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:46,264
You told me to let you know the moment
planet druidia was in sight, sir.
4
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,092
- So?
- Planet druidia is in sight, sir.
5
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,636
You're really a spaceball.
6
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,147
- You know that, don't you?
- Thanks, sir.
7
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:55,982
Have you notified lord helmet?
8
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,313
Yes, sir. I took the Liberty.
He's on his way.
9
00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,524
Make way for dark helmet!
10
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,482
All rise in the presence of dark helmet.
11
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,616
I can't breathe in this thing.
12
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,377
- We're approaching planet druidia, sir.
- Good.
13
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:02,041
I'll call spaceball city
and notify president skroob immediately.
14
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,877
I already called him, sir.
He knows everything.
15
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:10,473
What? You went over my helmet?
16
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,185
Well, not exactly over, sir.
More to the side.
17
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:17,815
I'll always call you first.
It'll never happen again. Never ever!
18
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,522
Oh, shit!
19
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:24,480
No! Please!
20
00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,815
Please, no, not that!
21
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,406
Yes, that.
22
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,172
- Sandurz!
- Sir.
23
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,133
I don't see planet druidia. Where is it?
24
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:56,470
We don't have visual contact yet,
but we have it on the radar screen.
25
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,352
- Shall I punch it up for you?
- Never mind. I'll do it myself.
26
00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:00,727
Very good, sir.
27
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,526
What's the matter?
What's that churning and bubbling?
28
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,152
You call that a radar screen?
29
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,859
No, sir, we call it Mr. coffee.
30
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,323
Care for some?
31
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,455
- Of course I do.
- Everybody knows that!
32
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,332
Of course we do, sir.
33
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:26,171
Now that I have my coffee,
I'm ready to watch radar.
34
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,960
- Where is it?
- Right here, sir.
35
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,554
Switch to teleview.
36
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,720
There it is. Planet druidia.
37
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,224
And underneath the air shield,
10,000 years of fresh air.
38
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:41,147
- We must get through that air shield.
- We will, sir.
39
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:44,647
Once we kidnap the Princess,
we can force her father, king Roland,
40
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,812
to give us the combination
to the air shield,
41
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:50,699
thereby destroying planet druidia
and saving planet spaceball.
42
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,984
Everybody got that?
43
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:57,326
- Good. When will the Princess be married?
- Within the hour, sir.
44
00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:02,036
Well, I hope it's a long ceremony,
'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.
45
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,090
Hot! Too hot.
46
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:32,441
If only your mother were alive
to see this day.
47
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,442
- Is everyone ready?
- Yes, your majesty.
48
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:36,277
No! Where's my droid of honor?
49
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:39,365
Oh, dear, yes. Where's dot? Dot?
50
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,704
Dot matrix!
51
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,873
Oh, thank god, dear!
52
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,163
Where've you been?
53
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,083
Here I am. I'm sorry.
I had to make a pit stop.
54
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,884
I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.
55
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:54,846
All right, people. It's magic time!
56
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,598
All right, everyone,
starting on the left foot.
57
00:07:57,686 --> 00:08:00,894
- Daddy, that's the right foot.
- It's too late. Keep going.
58
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:15,699
Daddy.
59
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,907
Must I go through with this?
60
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,365
I'm sorry, my dear. You have to.
61
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,751
But, daddy,
62
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,095
I don't love him.
63
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:39,633
I'm sorry, Vespa.
He's the last prince left in the galaxy.
64
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:55,357
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
on this most joyous occasion
65
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:59,286
to witness Princess Vespa,
daughter of king Roland,
66
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,822
going right past the altar,
heading down the ramp
67
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,703
and out the door!
68
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,410
Stop her! Someone stop her! Stop her!
69
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,838
Hey, wait! You forgot to get married!
70
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,506
Will you stop?
71
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,626
What are you doing?
72
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,799
No questions, dot. Get in.
73
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,979
What is she doing? Where is she going?
74
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:37,320
Come back!
75
00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,299
Barf.
76
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,349
Barf?
77
00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:54,434
Always when I'm eating.
78
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,824
- What can I do you for, boss?
- Where you been?
79
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:06,915
Grabbing myself a snack.
80
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,115
- You want some?
- No!
81
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:11,667
- A little hair of the dog?
- No! Listen, answer that thing for me.
82
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,745
- Will you watch that?
- Sorry.
83
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,835
I'll just throw on our audio here.
That way they won't see you.
84
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:21,636
- Yello!
- Hello, lone starr.
85
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,259
Sorry, wrong switch.
86
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,681
Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?
87
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,976
No, it's not what I want.
88
00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,976
It's what he wants.
89
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,939
Pizza the hutt.
90
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:41,030
Well, if it isn't lone starr
91
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,658
and his sidekick, puke.
92
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:48,113
- That's barf.
- Barf, puke, whatever.
93
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,498
Where's my money?
94
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,122
Don't worry, pizza.
You'll have it by next week.
95
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,125
No. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
96
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:59,544
100,000 space bucks? By tomorrow?
97
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:03,299
100,000? No way!
98
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,467
You forgot late charges
99
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:09,634
which brings it up to
1 million space bucks!
100
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:12,687
A million? That's unfair!
101
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,182
Unfair to the payer,
102
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,734
but not to the payee.
103
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,990
But you're gonna pay it or else...
104
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,901
Or else what?
105
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,657
Tell him, Vinnie.
106
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:35,999
Or else pizza is gonna send out for you.
107
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,799
You're delicious. Boys.
108
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,364
Can we talk?
109
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:15,875
Okay. We all know prince valium is a pill,
110
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,374
but you could've married him
for your father's sake
111
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,422
and then had a headache
for the next 25 years.
112
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,839
Will you turn that thing off?
113
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,055
What?
114
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,391
What is it?
115
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:36,347
I was saying,
do you realize what you've done?
116
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:38,731
Yes! And I'm glad.
117
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:41,688
Glad.
118
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,192
I wonder if she's glad.
119
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,240
Don't be ridiculous.
120
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:59,878
As president of planet spaceball,
I can assure both you and your viewers
121
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:03,673
that there's
absolutely no air shortage whatsoever.
122
00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:07,093
Yes, of course.
I've heard the same rumor myself.
123
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:10,175
Yes, thanks for calling
and not reversing the charges.
124
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,506
Yes, bye.
125
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:13,842
Shithead.
126
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:33,411
- President skroob.
- Yes?
127
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,204
This is central control.
128
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,577
Spaceball commanderette zircon
speaking, sir.
129
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,083
Yes, what is it, commanderette?
130
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,712
Lord helmet has just notified us
that Princess Vespa is in sight
131
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,790
and spaceball one is closing in on her.
132
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,124
Good.
133
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:50,303
We have both ships coming up on the
teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.
134
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,755
I'll be down immediately.
135
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,550
Should I have snotty beam you down, sir?
136
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,848
I don't know about that beaming stuff.
Is it safe?
137
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,189
Oh, yes, sir.
Snotty beamed me twice last night.
138
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,479
It was wonderful.
139
00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:08,321
All right. I'll take a shot at it.
What the hell, it works on Star Trek.
140
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,027
Shotty,
141
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,787
- beam him down.
- Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
142
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:33,588
Great beasties!
What's happened to his head?
143
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,344
It's on backwards!
144
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,801
This is terrible! Do something!
145
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:42,013
I'm sorry, sir. There must have been
a micro-converter malfunction.
146
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:46,480
Why didn't somebody tell me
my ass was so big?
147
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,860
Hold on, sir. We'll try
to reverse the beam.
148
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,989
It could be the interlocking system.
149
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:02,284
Lock one. Lock two. Lock three.
Loch lomond!
150
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,721
Are you all right, Mr. president?
151
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,848
Fine. No thanks to you!
152
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,433
We'll beam you back, sir.
153
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,886
Forget it. No more beaming.
154
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:23,770
This time I'm gonna walk.
155
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,526
President skroob! Salute!
156
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,528
Hail, skroob!
157
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:36,116
Hello, president skroob.
158
00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,912
- Hello, charlene.
- I'm Marlene.
159
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:42,414
- Hello, Marlene.
- I'm charlene.
160
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,367
Chew your gum.
161
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,039
Where's the Princess?
162
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,670
Right there, sir,
on the left side of the screen
163
00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:52,467
approaching spaceball one
at 1,500 light leagues per minute.
164
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,132
Good. She's almost in our grasp.
165
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:58,089
Tell dark helmet
he must take the Princess alive.
166
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,474
Princess Vespa's spaceship
within range, sir.
167
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:09,649
Good.
168
00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:13,112
Fire a warning shot across her nose.
169
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,025
What's going on?
170
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,737
It's either the fourth of July,
or someone's trying to kill us!
171
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:28,127
I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich.
172
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,457
- What are you doing?
- I'm calling my father.
173
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:35,961
1-800-druidia.
174
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,803
Careful, you idiot!
I said across her nose, not up it!
175
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,262
Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best.
176
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,521
He's my cousin.
177
00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:53,189
- Who is he?
- He's an asshole, sir.
178
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:56,109
- I know that. What's his name?
- That is his name, sir.
179
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,989
Asshole. Major asshole.
180
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,033
- And his cousin?
- He's an asshole, too, sir.
181
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:02,362
Gunner's mate, first
class, Phillip asshole.
182
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,913
How many assholes we got
on this ship anyhow?
183
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,001
Yol
184
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,871
I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes.
185
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,629
Keep firing, assholes!
186
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,133
Hurry, daddy. Hurry!
187
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:23,595
There are laser blasts all around us!
I'm scared.
188
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:28,687
King Roland to lone starr.
189
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,014
Are you there?
190
00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:33,521
Lone starr, you've got to help me.
Please save my daughter.
191
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,774
She's being attacked by spaceballs!
192
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:38,106
Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.
193
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,863
Besides, I'm already numero uno
on dark helmet's hit list.
194
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:45,201
Look, your highness,
it's not that we're afraid. Far from it.
195
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,491
It's just that we got this thing
about death. It's not us.
196
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:49,544
Please, you must!
197
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,587
You're the only ones that can save her!
I'll give you anything!
198
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,709
Did you hear me? Anything.
199
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,550
- Anything?
- Yes, anything.
200
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:03,344
- Okay. We'll do it for a million.
- A million?
201
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:06,509
You're starting to fade here.
We're losing picture, your highness.
202
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:09,679
All right, I'll pay it.
Only find her, save her.
203
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,851
All right, king. You just made a deal.
204
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:14,358
One Princess for 1 million space bucks.
205
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,563
What's she driving?
206
00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:17,353
A brand-new white Mercedes
207
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,647
2001 sel limited edition.
208
00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:24,076
Moon roof, all-leather interior.
I got it at a very good price. I paid cash.
209
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,745
My cousin, prince Murray,
has a dealership in the valley.
210
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:29,077
- He was very nice to me.
- We get the idea.
211
00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:32,414
- Where was she last seen?
- She was just passing Jupiter two.
212
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:33,578
We'll find her.
213
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,872
Please bring her back safely.
214
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:40,001
And if it's at all possible,
try to save the car.
215
00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:45,389
1 million space bucks!
We'll be able to pay off pizza the hutt!
216
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,640
Give me paw!
217
00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:58,519
What's that glow?
218
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,610
- We're not moving.
- We're moving, all right.
219
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,615
Backwards.
220
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,077
Look, there's our Princess.
She's got company.
221
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,083
Oh, no. Spaceballs!
222
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,461
And they've already got her
in their magnetic beam.
223
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,129
We're too late. What a shame.
224
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,381
I'll throw her in reverse.
We'll get out of here.
225
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:20,799
No! Bad.
226
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,844
What are we doing risking our lives
for a runaway Princess?
227
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:25,762
- I know we need the money, but...
- Listen,
228
00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:28,299
we're not just doing this for money.
229
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:33,186
We're doing it for a shitload of money.
230
00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:34,809
You're right.
231
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:38,142
And when you're right, you're right.
And you, you're always right.
232
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,981
Okay, we save her. But how?
233
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:43,189
The minute we move in there,
they're gonna spot us on their radar.
234
00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:46,867
Not if we jam it.
235
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:48,997
You're right.
236
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,992
- Down scope.
- Down scope.
237
00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:01,548
Radar about to be jammed.
238
00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,025
Shit.
239
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:35,366
- Sir.
- What is it?
240
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:38,377
Can I talk to you for a
minute, please, sir?
241
00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:44,087
- Well?
- I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
242
00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:47,045
You don't need that, private.
We're right here. What is it?
243
00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:49,304
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
244
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:50,391
Now what is it?
245
00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:52,717
- I'm having trouble with the radar.
- What's wrong?
246
00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:55,053
I've lost the bleeps, the sweeps,
and the creeps.
247
00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:57,938
- The what? And the what?
- You know. The bleeps.
248
00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:02,351
The sweeps.
249
00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:05,900
And the creeps.
250
00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:09,449
That's not all he's lost.
251
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,820
Sir. The radar, sir.
252
00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:13,654
It appears to be
253
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:15,664
jammed.
254
00:22:17,253 --> 00:22:18,413
Jammed.
255
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:23,755
Raspberry.
256
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:30,179
Well, there's only one man
who would dare give me the raspberry.
257
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,265
Lone starr!
258
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:02,669
What was that?
259
00:23:03,132 --> 00:23:05,123
Never mind that. What was that?
260
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,386
Hi.
261
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,548
- Who are you?
- Barf.
262
00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:13,472
Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
263
00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:16,304
- No, that's my name. Barf.
- Barf?
264
00:23:16,979 --> 00:23:18,344
What are you?
265
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:20,896
I'm a mawg: Half man, half dog.
266
00:23:21,317 --> 00:23:23,228
I'm my own best friend.
267
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,645
What do you want?
268
00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:27,152
Your father hired captain lone starr
and me to save you.
269
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:29,062
We got to hop up this ladder and get out.
270
00:23:29,158 --> 00:23:31,319
Good. Quick. Hurry, darling.
Follow the dog.
271
00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:32,858
Mawg. I'm a mawg.
272
00:23:33,162 --> 00:23:35,699
Wait. What about my matched luggage?
273
00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:43,831
- Stop looking up my can.
- Sorry.
274
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:57,516
Checking in? What the hell is all that?
275
00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:02,270
It's her royal highness's
matched luggage!
276
00:24:02,358 --> 00:24:03,393
What?
277
00:24:04,026 --> 00:24:06,608
Her royal highness's matched luggage.
278
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,019
Matched luggage, huh?
279
00:24:09,073 --> 00:24:11,655
What's she think this
is, a Princess cruise?
280
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,242
- Well, she wouldn't go without it.
- Oh, yeah?
281
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:23,539
Now hear this. The minute we get
out of here, the first thing we do is
282
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:25,578
dump the matched luggage.
283
00:24:28,884 --> 00:24:31,626
Now you hear this, whoever you are.
284
00:24:32,054 --> 00:24:34,386
You will not touch that luggage.
285
00:24:34,515 --> 00:24:37,348
And furthermore,
I want this pigsty cleaned up.
286
00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:40,055
I will not be rescued in such filth.
287
00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:44,397
Listen. On this ship,
I don't take orders, I give them.
288
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:46,895
This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.
289
00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:48,559
Sweetheart?
290
00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:53,192
How dare you speak to me that way?
291
00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:56,613
You will address me in the proper manner
as your royal highness.
292
00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,569
I am Princess Vespa,
293
00:24:58,789 --> 00:25:01,997
daughter of Roland, king of the druids.
294
00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:06,498
That's all we needed.
295
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:09,250
A druish Princess.
296
00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:14,176
Funny. She doesn't look druish.
297
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:54,337
Now we will show her
who is in charge of this galaxy.
298
00:25:55,596 --> 00:25:59,134
Hold it. I'll handle this personally.
299
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:02,382
Jawohl, lord helmet!
300
00:26:05,814 --> 00:26:08,146
So, Princess Vespa,
301
00:26:08,192 --> 00:26:11,980
you thought you could outwit
the imperious forces of planet spaceball.
302
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:14,065
Well, you were wrong.
303
00:26:14,490 --> 00:26:16,321
You are now our prisoner.
304
00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:19,320
And you will be held hostage
until such time
305
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:22,903
as all of the air is transferred
from your planet
306
00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:24,951
to ours.
307
00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:35,006
She's not in there.
308
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:37,835
Radar repaired, sir.
309
00:26:37,888 --> 00:26:40,971
We're picking up the outline
of a winnebago.
310
00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:42,973
Winnebago?
311
00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:45,009
Lone starr.
312
00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:56,061
Here comes the badyear blimp.
313
00:26:56,907 --> 00:27:00,240
- We'd better get out of here in a hurry.
- Switch to secret hyper-jets.
314
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,067
Switching to secret hyper-jets.
315
00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:05,529
Buckle up back there,
we're going into hyperactive.
316
00:27:13,215 --> 00:27:14,546
We're closing in on them, sir.
317
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:16,919
In less than a minute,
lone starr will be ours.
318
00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:19,717
Good. Prepare to attack.
319
00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:21,094
Prepare to attack.
320
00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:23,137
On the count of three.
321
00:27:23,517 --> 00:27:24,632
One,
322
00:27:25,269 --> 00:27:26,429
two,
323
00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:28,511
late!
324
00:27:28,564 --> 00:27:30,896
- What happened? Where are they?
- I don't know, sir.
325
00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:32,723
They must have hyper-jets on that thing.
326
00:27:32,818 --> 00:27:34,934
And what have we got on this thing,
a cuisinart?
327
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:36,063
No, sir.
328
00:27:36,113 --> 00:27:38,229
- Well, find them, catch them!
- Yes, sir.
329
00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:41,695
- Prepare ship for light speed.
- No, light speed is too slow.
330
00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:42,903
Light speed too slow?
331
00:27:42,953 --> 00:27:46,366
Yes. We're gonna have to go
right to ludicrous speed.
332
00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:48,239
Ludicrous speed?
333
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,416
We've never gone that fast.
I don't know if this ship can take it.
334
00:27:51,503 --> 00:27:53,368
What's the matter, colonel sandurz?
335
00:27:53,422 --> 00:27:54,662
Chicken?
336
00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:57,797
Prepare ship.
337
00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:00,922
Prepare ship for ludicrous speed.
338
00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:02,920
Fasten all seat belts.
339
00:28:02,973 --> 00:28:04,679
Seal all entrances and exits.
340
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:06,552
Close all shops in the mall.
341
00:28:06,602 --> 00:28:08,558
Cancel the three-ring circus.
342
00:28:08,604 --> 00:28:10,060
Secure all animals in the zoo...
343
00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:13,097
Give me that,
you petty excuse for an officer.
344
00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:15,516
Now hear this.
345
00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:17,434
Ludicrous speed!
346
00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:18,798
Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
347
00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:20,403
Buckle this.
348
00:28:20,449 --> 00:28:23,111
Ludicrous speed! Go!
349
00:28:46,058 --> 00:28:47,798
What have I done?
350
00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:54,101
My brains are going into my feet.
351
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,826
What the hell was that?
352
00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:09,903
Spaceball one.
353
00:29:11,333 --> 00:29:13,198
They've gone to plaid.
354
00:29:15,003 --> 00:29:18,871
We passed them. Stop this thing.
355
00:29:18,966 --> 00:29:21,833
We can't stop. It's too dangerous.
356
00:29:21,927 --> 00:29:23,963
We've got to slow down first.
357
00:29:25,013 --> 00:29:28,346
Bullshit! Just stop this thing!
358
00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:32,017
I order you. Stop!
359
00:29:47,536 --> 00:29:49,822
Here, sir. Here. Let me help you, sir.
360
00:29:52,291 --> 00:29:53,451
Are you all right, sir?
361
00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:56,659
- Fine. How have you been?
- Fine, sir.
362
00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:57,792
Good.
363
00:29:57,879 --> 00:29:59,357
Good thing you were wearing that helmet.
364
00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:01,793
- Yeah.
- What shall we do now, sir?
365
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:05,254
- Well, are we stopped?
- We're stopped, sir.
366
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:06,380
Good.
367
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:10,756
- Why don't we take a five-minute break?
- Very good, sir.
368
00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:13,758
Smoke if you got them.
369
00:30:16,857 --> 00:30:20,224
- Take her out of hyperactive.
- Taking her out of hyperactive.
370
00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:24,231
Congrats, boss. We did it.
371
00:30:24,281 --> 00:30:26,863
They must have overshot us
by a week-and-a-half.
372
00:30:26,908 --> 00:30:30,275
- Okay. Let's set a course for druidia.
- Setting a course for...
373
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:33,657
- What's that?
- I don't know. We're losing power!
374
00:30:33,749 --> 00:30:35,330
- Why?
- 'Cause we're out of gas!
375
00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:37,032
Must have burned it up in hyperactive.
376
00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,576
We should have put
more than five bucks' worth in!
377
00:30:39,629 --> 00:30:41,415
Okay. We'll have to set her down.
378
00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:43,371
Prepare for an emergency landing.
379
00:30:43,425 --> 00:30:44,631
Quick, give me a reading!
380
00:30:44,718 --> 00:30:47,050
Our father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name...
381
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:48,926
Will you stop that?
382
00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:50,803
Keep your seat belts fastened back there.
383
00:30:50,891 --> 00:30:52,347
You okay, Princess?
384
00:30:54,186 --> 00:30:57,394
No, you idiot!
Where'd you learn how to fly?
385
00:30:57,439 --> 00:30:59,771
Okay. Eagle 5 coming in.
386
00:31:20,629 --> 00:31:22,870
Left! Go left! Right! I mean right!
387
00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:24,337
Pull up!
388
00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:36,850
Where're you going?
389
00:31:36,937 --> 00:31:39,849
I am going to tell him
off once and for all.
390
00:31:40,649 --> 00:31:43,937
Wait. We'll need him to get us out of here.
391
00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:45,733
Called me an idiot?
392
00:31:45,821 --> 00:31:48,813
I'm going back there
and explain a few things to her.
393
00:31:48,865 --> 00:31:52,198
Besides, he's got a sexy voice.
He might be cute.
394
00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:55,865
- You haven't seen her.
- I know what she looks like.
395
00:31:55,956 --> 00:31:57,696
You've seen one, you've seen them all.
396
00:31:57,791 --> 00:32:00,999
Cute? I know these space bums,
they're all alike.
397
00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:02,454
Fat, ugly...
398
00:32:02,504 --> 00:32:03,835
Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...
399
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:05,495
Beer-swilling pigs!
400
00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:07,126
Horse-faced space dogs!
401
00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:08,790
Yeah, well, normally...
402
00:32:09,261 --> 00:32:10,922
That's gonna leave a Mark.
403
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:12,718
Now listen, you...
404
00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:15,433
You listen.
405
00:32:15,517 --> 00:32:19,556
On this ship, you're to refer to me
as "idiot," not "you captain."
406
00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:21,769
I mean... you know what I mean.
407
00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:23,848
And you will not call me "you."
408
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:26,103
You will never address me as "you."
409
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,856
You will call me "your royal highness"!
410
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:31,734
You are a royal pain in the...
411
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:33,531
- Hold it. Time!
- What?
412
00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:35,158
May I make a small suggestion?
413
00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:38,036
Any minute now,
the spaceballs will make a major u-turn,
414
00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:40,489
head back this way, and make us all dead.
415
00:32:40,542 --> 00:32:42,282
He's right. Let's go.
416
00:32:42,377 --> 00:32:43,958
Wait. My things.
417
00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:46,582
Now listen, you royal...
418
00:32:47,466 --> 00:32:48,672
Highness.
419
00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:51,880
Take only what you need to survive.
420
00:33:12,824 --> 00:33:16,692
Please slow down.
I'm getting sand up my gears.
421
00:33:19,789 --> 00:33:22,576
Gee, I hope she didn't forget anything.
422
00:33:27,464 --> 00:33:30,422
All right, wait a minute, barf.
Put it down.
423
00:33:31,885 --> 00:33:34,092
What the hell's in this thing?
424
00:33:38,767 --> 00:33:39,767
What's this?
425
00:33:40,268 --> 00:33:43,556
I said, take only what you need to survive.
426
00:33:43,605 --> 00:33:45,971
My industrial-strength hair dryer.
427
00:33:46,066 --> 00:33:48,307
And I can't live without it!
428
00:33:49,778 --> 00:33:51,939
Okay, Princess, that's it.
429
00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:54,062
The fairy tale is over.
430
00:33:54,616 --> 00:33:56,402
Welcome to real life.
431
00:33:56,785 --> 00:33:59,527
You want this hot air machine,
you carry it.
432
00:34:00,914 --> 00:34:02,620
You pick that up.
433
00:34:03,792 --> 00:34:05,453
You pick that up.
434
00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:08,873
How dare you, you insolent peasant?
435
00:34:09,256 --> 00:34:11,963
Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!
436
00:34:12,551 --> 00:34:13,757
Nobody!
437
00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:17,047
Well, what have we got here?
Will you look at her?
438
00:34:17,764 --> 00:34:21,723
Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks,
those trembling lips.
439
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,804
You know something, Princess?
440
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:26,181
You are ugly when you're angry.
441
00:34:27,524 --> 00:34:28,855
That's it.
442
00:34:28,984 --> 00:34:32,067
- You and your dog are...
- Please.
443
00:34:32,153 --> 00:34:34,018
Total humans, droids, if I may?
444
00:34:34,114 --> 00:34:38,027
It's going to be very dark soon. I suggest
we find a place to camp for the night.
445
00:34:38,118 --> 00:34:39,608
Come, darling.
446
00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:47,665
See? It's lighter.
447
00:34:47,752 --> 00:34:50,289
Oh, yeah. This is the best.
448
00:34:51,381 --> 00:34:54,293
I could have carried two or three of these.
449
00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:59,344
- Have you found them yet?
- No, lord helmet.
450
00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:03,390
- They're still not on the scanner.
- Well, keep looking for them.
451
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,646
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea.
452
00:35:15,030 --> 00:35:18,522
Corporal, get me the video cassette
of spaceballs: The movie.
453
00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:19,860
Yes, sir.
454
00:35:23,413 --> 00:35:26,701
"The producers, twelve chairs,
blazing saddles, young Frankenstein."
455
00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,162
Colonel sandurz,
may I speak with you, please?
456
00:35:29,210 --> 00:35:30,210
Yes, sir.
457
00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:32,786
How can there be a cassette
of spaceballs: The movie?
458
00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:35,247
- We're still in the middle of making it.
- True, sir.
459
00:35:35,342 --> 00:35:37,879
There's been a new breakthrough
in home video marketing.
460
00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:40,711
- There has?
- Yes. Instant cassettes.
461
00:35:40,764 --> 00:35:43,881
They're out in stores
before the movie is finished.
462
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:44,975
No.
463
00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:48,268
Here it is, sir! Spaceballs.
464
00:35:48,396 --> 00:35:50,557
Good work, corporal. Punch it up.
465
00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:56,894
That's much too early.
Prepare to fast-forward.
466
00:35:56,946 --> 00:35:58,061
Preparing to fast-forward.
467
00:35:58,114 --> 00:36:00,321
- Fast-forward!
- Fast-forwarding, sir.
468
00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:21,255
No, go past this. Past this part.
469
00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:23,590
In fact, never play this again.
470
00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:28,054
Try here. Stop.
471
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:41,028
What the hell am I looking at?
472
00:36:41,116 --> 00:36:43,607
- When does this happen in the movie?
- Now.
473
00:36:43,660 --> 00:36:45,070
You're looking at now, sir.
474
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,236
Everything that happens now
is happening now.
475
00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:49,199
- What happened to then?
- We passed then.
476
00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:50,370
- When?
- Just now.
477
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,540
- We're at now, now.
- Go back to then.
478
00:36:52,627 --> 00:36:53,912
- When?
- Now.
479
00:36:53,962 --> 00:36:55,827
- I can't. We missed it.
- When?
480
00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:57,207
Just now.
481
00:36:57,382 --> 00:36:59,794
- When will then be now?
- Soon.
482
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:02,504
How soon?
483
00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:04,460
Sir! We've identified their location!
484
00:37:04,514 --> 00:37:05,970
- Where?
- It's the moon of vega.
485
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:07,801
Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
486
00:37:07,892 --> 00:37:09,177
- When?
- 1900 hours, sir.
487
00:37:09,269 --> 00:37:11,555
By high noon tomorrow,
they will be our prisoners.
488
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:12,681
Who?
489
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:32,747
No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
490
00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:34,745
Take it, it's freezing.
491
00:37:34,919 --> 00:37:36,409
If you insist.
492
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:45,380
Won't you be cold?
493
00:37:45,472 --> 00:37:47,679
No, cold never bothers me.
494
00:37:54,022 --> 00:37:57,185
- I can't seem to find druidia.
- It's right there.
495
00:37:57,650 --> 00:37:58,650
Where?
496
00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:02,185
It's right there.
It's that bright blue one right there. See?
497
00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:07,566
Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.
498
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,452
Don't worry, I'll get you there.
499
00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:14,615
- Which one's yours?
- Who knows?
500
00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:16,165
You don't know where you're from?
501
00:38:16,211 --> 00:38:19,248
Not really. I was found on the doorstep
of a monastery.
502
00:38:19,380 --> 00:38:22,747
- Monastery? Where?
- Somewhere in the Ford galaxy.
503
00:38:23,843 --> 00:38:26,334
Well, didn't the monks tell you
who your parents were?
504
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:29,220
They couldn't. They took a vow of silence.
505
00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:32,094
All I got was this. It was around my neck.
506
00:38:32,185 --> 00:38:33,550
- What is it?
- I don't know.
507
00:38:33,603 --> 00:38:35,889
I've taken it
to every wise man in the universe
508
00:38:35,980 --> 00:38:38,562
and nobody could tell me what it means.
509
00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:41,395
It's beautiful.
510
00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:44,398
You know, I...
511
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:48,652
It's beautiful.
512
00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:55,948
So, how come you ran away
from your wedding?
513
00:38:57,001 --> 00:39:00,710
Well, if you must know,
I wasn't in love with the groom.
514
00:39:01,297 --> 00:39:03,288
Why were you going to marry him?
515
00:39:03,383 --> 00:39:07,717
Because I'm a Princess,
and I have to marry a prince.
516
00:39:08,388 --> 00:39:11,004
And he doesn't do it for you, huh?
517
00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,675
No, he doesn't do it for me.
518
00:39:18,940 --> 00:39:20,805
I really must go back.
519
00:39:22,277 --> 00:39:24,313
I shouldn't have run away.
520
00:39:24,904 --> 00:39:28,146
I realize now that love is one luxury
521
00:39:28,241 --> 00:39:30,277
a Princess cannot afford.
522
00:39:30,785 --> 00:39:32,321
You're probably right.
523
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:36,867
I know now
that I must learn to live without love.
524
00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:38,448
I guess so.
525
00:39:38,585 --> 00:39:40,667
Besides, love isn't that important.
526
00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:42,709
No, it never was.
527
00:39:42,797 --> 00:39:46,335
I could be perfectly happy
the rest of my life without
528
00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:48,583
love.
529
00:39:49,137 --> 00:39:50,673
Sure you could.
530
00:39:52,765 --> 00:39:56,974
- Without physical contact.
- Yeah.
531
00:39:57,437 --> 00:40:00,850
- Without being held.
- Yeah.
532
00:40:02,775 --> 00:40:04,106
Or kissed.
533
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:13,991
Abandon ship!
534
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:15,659
Women and mawgs first!
535
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,992
We'll have none of that, mister.
536
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:21,165
How far did he get? What did he touch?
537
00:40:21,210 --> 00:40:22,666
Nothing happened!
538
00:40:22,754 --> 00:40:24,369
What the hell was that noise?
539
00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:26,079
That was my virgin alarm.
540
00:40:26,174 --> 00:40:28,665
It's programmed to go off before you do.
541
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:30,796
You get back to bed, miss.
542
00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:32,301
And as for you, sex fiend...
543
00:40:32,347 --> 00:40:34,929
All right. Let's all just get some sleep.
544
00:40:35,016 --> 00:40:38,008
- We gotta get moving before dawn.
- Why so early?
545
00:40:38,061 --> 00:40:40,097
Because we're in the middle of the desert
546
00:40:40,188 --> 00:40:44,227
and we aren't gonna get very far
once that blazing sun gets overhead.
547
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:50,273
Nice dissolve.
548
00:41:00,041 --> 00:41:02,327
Water.
549
00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:14,418
Oil.
550
00:41:16,516 --> 00:41:19,132
Room service.
551
00:41:24,941 --> 00:41:27,148
Chief, I'm dead.
552
00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:32,399
I can't go any further.
553
00:41:34,742 --> 00:41:36,528
Come on, barf, old buddy.
554
00:41:37,662 --> 00:41:39,903
- Just one more dune to go.
- No!
555
00:41:40,289 --> 00:41:43,907
You said that three dunes ago.
I got no more left.
556
00:41:45,962 --> 00:41:48,328
Oh, waiter. Check, please.
557
00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:52,332
Must go on.
558
00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:00,757
Who am I kidding?
559
00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:03,486
Thanks, little guy.
560
00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:07,205
Thank you.
561
00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:11,206
Did I miss something?
562
00:43:11,756 --> 00:43:13,997
When did we get to Disneyland?
563
00:43:31,943 --> 00:43:33,979
I don't see them, sandurz.
564
00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:36,482
I've sent the troops on ahead
to vector 78, sir.
565
00:43:36,531 --> 00:43:39,273
- Let's get moving.
- Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
566
00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:42,029
What are you preparing?
You're always preparing. Just go.
567
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:43,326
- Just go.
- Yes, sir.
568
00:43:43,371 --> 00:43:45,532
Sir, shouldn't you sit down?
569
00:44:03,724 --> 00:44:04,930
What're they saying?
570
00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:08,134
Well, it's obvious
they want us to go with them.
571
00:44:17,613 --> 00:44:19,353
What is this place?
572
00:44:19,407 --> 00:44:21,739
It looks like the temple of doom.
573
00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:24,442
Well, it sure ain't temple Beth Israel.
574
00:44:24,579 --> 00:44:27,286
Come on. I think we'd better follow them.
575
00:44:40,261 --> 00:44:41,876
I think we woke it up.
576
00:44:42,555 --> 00:44:44,637
Goodbye, folks!
Let me know how it turns out.
577
00:44:44,724 --> 00:44:47,056
- Come back here, dot!
- Come on. We gotta keep going.
578
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:48,591
We need you.
579
00:44:54,901 --> 00:44:56,812
What's gonna happen now?
580
00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:58,609
Don't ask. Maybe it won't.
581
00:44:58,654 --> 00:44:59,939
But what if it does?
582
00:44:59,989 --> 00:45:02,230
I don't know about you,
but I'm all for leaving.
583
00:45:02,283 --> 00:45:05,275
I say we get out of here right now,
while the going...
584
00:45:06,037 --> 00:45:07,277
Silence!
585
00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:11,413
Who dares enter
the sacred and awesome presence
586
00:45:11,459 --> 00:45:14,701
of the everlasting know-it-all, yogurt?
587
00:45:16,297 --> 00:45:17,537
Yogurt?
588
00:45:27,642 --> 00:45:28,848
You heard of me?
589
00:45:28,935 --> 00:45:31,847
Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of yogurt?
590
00:45:32,396 --> 00:45:33,886
Yogurt, the wise.
591
00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:35,812
Yogurt, the all-powerful.
592
00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:37,723
Yogurt, the magnificent.
593
00:45:37,818 --> 00:45:41,561
Please, don't make a fuss.
I'm just plain yogurt.
594
00:45:42,198 --> 00:45:44,189
- But you're the one...
- Yes.
595
00:45:44,325 --> 00:45:46,907
I am the keeper of a greater magic,
596
00:45:47,495 --> 00:45:50,828
a power known throughout the universe
as the...
597
00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:53,952
- The force?
- No. The Schwartz.
598
00:45:54,669 --> 00:45:56,660
The Schwartz!
599
00:45:57,046 --> 00:46:00,538
Yes, the Schwartz.
600
00:46:04,095 --> 00:46:07,883
But, yogurt, what is this place?
What is it that you do here?
601
00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:09,964
Merchandising.
602
00:46:10,226 --> 00:46:13,059
- Merchandising? What's that?
- Merchandising.
603
00:46:13,145 --> 00:46:15,852
Come, I'll show you. Open up the store.
604
00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:23,854
Come! Walk this way. Take a look.
605
00:46:23,948 --> 00:46:27,190
We put the picture's name on everything!
606
00:46:27,576 --> 00:46:30,283
Merchandising,
607
00:46:30,371 --> 00:46:32,862
where the real money from the movie
is made.
608
00:46:33,207 --> 00:46:34,947
Spaceballs, the t-shirt.
609
00:46:35,126 --> 00:46:36,991
Spaceballs, the coloring book.
610
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,875
Spaceballs, the lunch box.
611
00:46:39,088 --> 00:46:41,204
Spaceballs, the breakfast cereal.
612
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,831
Spaceballs, the flamethrower.
613
00:46:44,176 --> 00:46:46,132
The kids love this one.
614
00:46:46,929 --> 00:46:48,715
Last, but not least,
615
00:46:48,973 --> 00:46:51,259
spaceballs, the doll. Me.
616
00:46:52,685 --> 00:46:54,892
May the Schwartz be with you.
617
00:46:57,189 --> 00:46:58,429
Adorable.
618
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,452
- President skroob.
- What is it?
619
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:20,326
I have an urgent message
from lord helmet. He's lost the Princess.
620
00:47:20,421 --> 00:47:22,787
- Where?
- Somewhere in the sands of vega.
621
00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:26,586
Tell them to comb the desert.
Do you hear me? Comb the desert!
622
00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:28,042
Yes, sir.
623
00:47:33,934 --> 00:47:35,640
- Sir?
- What?
624
00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:39,269
Are we being too literal?
625
00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:41,063
No, you fool. We're following orders.
626
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:44,475
We were told to comb the desert,
so we're combing it.
627
00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:46,519
Found anything yet?
628
00:47:47,156 --> 00:47:48,942
Nothing yet, sir.
629
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:52,358
How about you?
630
00:47:53,412 --> 00:47:55,027
Not a thing, sir.
631
00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:59,789
What about you guys?
632
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:01,958
We ain't found shit!
633
00:48:05,424 --> 00:48:09,008
It's a big mystery. None of the wise men
could tell me what it means.
634
00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:13,259
Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean.
What do they know?
635
00:48:13,307 --> 00:48:15,343
Here, let me take a look.
636
00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:25,728
You can read it!
637
00:48:25,820 --> 00:48:27,936
No, I was just clearing my throat.
638
00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:30,362
Here, let me take a...
639
00:48:32,576 --> 00:48:36,819
- Oh, yes. Yes, of course!
- You understand it?
640
00:48:36,872 --> 00:48:38,783
- Yes.
- What's it say?
641
00:48:38,833 --> 00:48:43,418
I cannot tell you that now. It shall be
revealed to you at the proper time.
642
00:48:43,671 --> 00:48:44,911
Great.
643
00:48:45,506 --> 00:48:48,543
Come on, don't be disappointed.
Back to your Schwartz training.
644
00:48:48,634 --> 00:48:52,172
Here, take the ring.
Point it at that big statue.
645
00:48:52,430 --> 00:48:54,341
Okay. But I still don't understand
646
00:48:54,432 --> 00:48:57,595
how I'm going to lift that big statue
with this little ring.
647
00:48:57,685 --> 00:49:01,894
Never underestimate
the power of the Schwartz!
648
00:49:01,981 --> 00:49:04,814
Come on, concentrate! Here we go!
649
00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:07,687
Concentrate.
650
00:49:20,875 --> 00:49:23,366
Lone starr, you're doing it!
651
00:49:26,005 --> 00:49:28,997
I can't believe it!
The Schwartz, it's working!
652
00:49:30,301 --> 00:49:33,213
Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
653
00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:40,224
Give me the ring, quick.
654
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,270
Upsy-Daisy!
655
00:49:50,988 --> 00:49:52,398
Sorry, barf.
656
00:49:58,078 --> 00:49:59,659
Keep searching.
657
00:50:01,665 --> 00:50:03,826
It's no use, sir.
We've searched everywhere.
658
00:50:03,918 --> 00:50:04,918
Wait.
659
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:08,123
I feel the presence of the Schwartz.
660
00:50:08,589 --> 00:50:10,295
- The Schwartz?
- Yes.
661
00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:12,923
It's coming from somewhere
662
00:50:13,302 --> 00:50:15,668
down there.
663
00:50:18,224 --> 00:50:21,557
You're right, sir.
There's a secret entrance here.
664
00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:24,469
And look at this insignia. It's a "y."
665
00:50:26,941 --> 00:50:29,603
Yogurt! I hate yogurt!
666
00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:31,308
Even with strawberries!
667
00:50:31,403 --> 00:50:33,268
I'll call for the attack squad, sir.
668
00:50:33,322 --> 00:50:36,109
No, we can't go in there.
Yogurt has the Schwartz.
669
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,485
It's far too powerful.
670
00:50:37,576 --> 00:50:40,283
But, sir, your ring.
Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
671
00:50:40,329 --> 00:50:44,072
He got the upside. I got the downside.
There's two sides to every Schwartz.
672
00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:47,036
Then how are we gonna
go in there and get her?
673
00:50:48,295 --> 00:50:50,286
We will not go in there.
674
00:50:50,756 --> 00:50:53,543
She will come out to us.
675
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:10,640
Vespa, my child. Where are you?
676
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:12,600
Daddy?
677
00:51:12,861 --> 00:51:16,820
Vespa, it's your father, king Roland.
678
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:19,523
- Come to me.
- Daddy?
679
00:51:20,286 --> 00:51:22,993
I hear you. Where are you?
680
00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:25,366
Follow my voice.
681
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:28,369
Come to me.
682
00:51:33,757 --> 00:51:35,622
Vespa, where are you going?
683
00:51:35,676 --> 00:51:38,759
Vespa, come to me.
684
00:51:42,683 --> 00:51:45,641
Daddy. Is it really you?
685
00:51:45,686 --> 00:51:47,176
Yes, my dear.
686
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:51,647
I guarantee it. Would I lie?
687
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:55,521
Daddy.
688
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:58,145
No, Vespa, don't!
689
00:52:01,869 --> 00:52:03,575
Fooled you.
690
00:52:06,749 --> 00:52:09,707
Take them both aboard
and put the Princess in my quarters.
691
00:52:09,752 --> 00:52:11,208
Yes, sir.
692
00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:12,993
Now she is mine.
693
00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:17,127
- What's the matter? What are they saying?
- They've taken the Princess.
694
00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:28,679
Spaceballs. Too late.
695
00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,391
Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.
696
00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:38,519
- Thanks for the gas, yogurt.
- You're welcome. And here!
697
00:52:39,239 --> 00:52:41,400
Just in case you get hungry.
698
00:52:42,076 --> 00:52:43,987
- A fortune cookie?
- Yes!
699
00:52:44,078 --> 00:52:47,286
Remember, open it before you eat it.
700
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,156
Thanks. We better get going.
701
00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:52,916
I wonder,
will we ever see each other again?
702
00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:56,420
Who knows?
God willing, we'll all meet again
703
00:52:56,507 --> 00:52:59,465
in spaceballs 2:
The search for more money.
704
00:53:00,302 --> 00:53:03,260
- Goodbye, lone starr.
- Goodbye, yogurt.
705
00:53:04,390 --> 00:53:06,426
The ring of the Schwartz!
706
00:53:06,975 --> 00:53:09,057
No, I can't take this.
707
00:53:09,103 --> 00:53:12,687
Take it. You might need it.
708
00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:15,772
Thanks. I'll never forget you.
709
00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:18,983
Wish me luck.
710
00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:43,375
So, Princess Vespa,
711
00:53:43,470 --> 00:53:46,678
at last I have you in my clutches
712
00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:50,887
to have my way with you
the way I want to.
713
00:53:51,186 --> 00:53:53,893
No, please! Leave me alone.
714
00:53:53,981 --> 00:53:55,312
No, you are mine.
715
00:53:55,399 --> 00:53:56,764
Not so fast, helmet.
716
00:53:56,817 --> 00:53:58,148
Lone starr.
717
00:53:58,193 --> 00:54:00,809
Yes, it's me. I'm here
to save my girlfriend.
718
00:54:00,904 --> 00:54:02,019
Hi, honey.
719
00:54:02,114 --> 00:54:04,321
Now you are going to die.
720
00:54:06,827 --> 00:54:08,658
Hey, what'd you do to my friend?
721
00:54:08,746 --> 00:54:11,829
The same thing
I'm going to do to you, big boy.
722
00:54:11,874 --> 00:54:13,364
And you, too.
723
00:54:14,168 --> 00:54:17,786
Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
724
00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:21,254
No, I hate you. Leave me alone!
725
00:54:21,341 --> 00:54:23,878
Yet I find you strangely attractive.
726
00:54:23,969 --> 00:54:25,505
Of course you do.
727
00:54:25,554 --> 00:54:29,638
Druish princesses are often attracted
to money and power.
728
00:54:29,683 --> 00:54:32,595
And I have both. And you know it.
729
00:54:33,270 --> 00:54:35,181
- Leave me alone!
- No, kiss Mel
730
00:54:35,355 --> 00:54:36,811
no! Yes! No!
731
00:54:36,857 --> 00:54:37,857
- No!
- Yes!
732
00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:45,445
Your helmet is so big.
733
00:54:46,033 --> 00:54:47,364
- Lord helmet.
- What?
734
00:54:47,451 --> 00:54:49,316
You're needed on the bridge, sir!
735
00:54:49,369 --> 00:54:51,701
Knock on my door. Knock next time!
736
00:54:51,789 --> 00:54:52,869
Yes, sir.
737
00:54:52,915 --> 00:54:54,530
- Did you see anything?
- No, sir.
738
00:54:54,583 --> 00:54:57,165
- I didn't see you playing with your dolls.
- Good.
739
00:55:16,063 --> 00:55:17,724
President skroob.
740
00:55:17,898 --> 00:55:21,766
I told you never to call me on this wall.
This is an unlisted wall.
741
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,691
Sorry, sir, but it's very important.
742
00:55:23,737 --> 00:55:26,103
The Princess has just been brought
to your office
743
00:55:26,198 --> 00:55:28,735
and lord helmet and colonel sandurz
are awaiting you there.
744
00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:32,193
- All right. Tell them I'll be right there.
- Yes, sir!
745
00:55:44,258 --> 00:55:48,592
Helmet, you fiend! What's going on?
What are you doing to my daughter?
746
00:55:48,637 --> 00:55:50,423
Permit me to introduce
747
00:55:50,472 --> 00:55:54,215
the brilliant young plastic surgeon,
Dr. Phillip schlotkin.
748
00:55:54,601 --> 00:55:59,095
The greatest nose job man
in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.
749
00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:00,679
Your highness.
750
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:02,264
Nose job? I don't understand.
751
00:56:02,317 --> 00:56:05,434
She's already had a nose job.
It was her sweet-sixteen present.
752
00:56:05,487 --> 00:56:08,775
No, it's not what you think.
It's much, much worse.
753
00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:12,524
If you do not give me
the combination to the air shield,
754
00:56:12,661 --> 00:56:17,121
Dr. schlotkin will give your daughter back
her old nose.
755
00:56:18,125 --> 00:56:20,958
Nol
756
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:24,373
where did you get that?
757
00:56:24,464 --> 00:56:26,625
All right, I'll tell!
758
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:29,007
No, daddy, no, you mustn't!
759
00:56:29,094 --> 00:56:32,131
You're right, my dear.
I'll miss your new nose.
760
00:56:32,222 --> 00:56:35,430
But I will not tell him the combination,
no matter what.
761
00:56:35,475 --> 00:56:39,218
Very well. Dr. schlotkin, do your worst.
762
00:56:39,479 --> 00:56:41,265
My pleasure.
763
00:56:44,318 --> 00:56:46,400
No! Wait!
764
00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:49,653
I'll tell.
765
00:56:50,449 --> 00:56:54,408
I knew it would work.
All right, give it to me.
766
00:56:55,913 --> 00:56:57,653
The combination is:
767
00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:00,958
One.
768
00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:03,165
Two.
769
00:57:04,338 --> 00:57:05,544
Three.
770
00:57:06,298 --> 00:57:07,378
Four.
771
00:57:09,885 --> 00:57:11,000
Five.
772
00:57:12,596 --> 00:57:16,805
So the combination is 1-2-3-4-5.
773
00:57:17,601 --> 00:57:20,388
That's the stupidest combination
I ever heard in my life!
774
00:57:20,479 --> 00:57:23,312
That's the kind of thing
an idiot would have on his luggage!
775
00:57:23,357 --> 00:57:24,688
Thank you, your highness.
776
00:57:25,859 --> 00:57:27,895
- What did you do?
- I turned off the wall.
777
00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:29,567
No, you turned off the whole movie.
778
00:57:29,655 --> 00:57:32,567
- I must have pressed the wrong button.
- Put the movie back on!
779
00:57:32,658 --> 00:57:35,149
- Yes, sir.
- You gotta get that thing fixed.
780
00:57:35,202 --> 00:57:37,818
We're back!
And we have the combination!
781
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:39,532
- Schlotkin!
- What?
782
00:57:39,665 --> 00:57:40,905
We're done with you.
783
00:57:40,999 --> 00:57:43,661
Go back to the golf course
and work on your putts.
784
00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:45,541
Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen.
785
00:57:45,629 --> 00:57:49,292
Of course, you know
I'll still have to bill you for this.
786
00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:54,759
I bet she gives great helmet.
787
00:57:57,808 --> 00:57:59,389
Did it work? Where's the king?
788
00:57:59,434 --> 00:58:01,345
It worked, sir. We have the combination.
789
00:58:01,395 --> 00:58:05,889
Great. Now we can take every last breath
of fresh air from planet druidia.
790
00:58:05,983 --> 00:58:09,100
- What's the combination?
- 1-2-3-4-5.
791
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:11,605
1-2-3-4-57 - yes.
792
00:58:11,697 --> 00:58:15,406
That's amazing. I've got
the same combination on my luggage.
793
00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:18,154
Prepare spaceball one
for immediate departure.
794
00:58:18,245 --> 00:58:19,280
Yes, sir.
795
00:58:19,371 --> 00:58:22,113
And change the combination
on my luggage.
796
00:58:28,797 --> 00:58:31,664
There it is. Spaceball
city, straight ahead.
797
00:58:31,758 --> 00:58:33,544
Good, I'm taking her in.
798
00:58:36,972 --> 00:58:39,179
What the hell is that thing?
799
00:58:39,266 --> 00:58:41,427
It looks like a winnebago with wings.
800
00:58:43,603 --> 00:58:45,218
Hey, you can't park here!
801
00:58:45,272 --> 00:58:48,059
Yeah, can't you guys read? "No parking."
802
00:58:52,946 --> 00:58:54,937
That son of a...
803
00:58:57,951 --> 00:59:02,445
All right, hands up.
You're under arrest for illegal parking.
804
00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:03,497
Yeah!
805
00:59:26,563 --> 00:59:30,647
Warden Miller, you're wanted in v-17.
806
00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:35,694
Attention. Section c scanners, report.
807
00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:45,154
- She's gotta be in one of these cells.
- Yeah, but which one?
808
00:59:49,169 --> 00:59:52,332
Nobody knows
809
00:59:52,380 --> 00:59:54,996
- it's coming from here.
- That can't be her.
810
00:59:55,050 --> 00:59:57,336
The trouble I've seen
811
00:59:58,178 --> 01:00:03,389
nobody knows but Jesus
812
01:00:05,185 --> 01:00:06,425
it's her.
813
01:00:07,479 --> 01:00:11,063
Nobody knows
814
01:00:11,650 --> 01:00:14,107
the trouble I've seen
815
01:00:14,486 --> 01:00:15,646
she's a bass.
816
01:00:15,695 --> 01:00:19,904
Glory hallelujah
817
01:00:25,497 --> 01:00:27,158
What do you want?
818
01:00:27,207 --> 01:00:28,447
It's me.
819
01:00:29,084 --> 01:00:30,324
It's us.
820
01:00:30,377 --> 01:00:32,959
Lone starr. How did you find us?
821
01:00:33,046 --> 01:00:35,037
No time to talk. Come on.
822
01:00:35,090 --> 01:00:37,832
- We gotta move.
- Barf! How'd you do it?
823
01:00:59,281 --> 01:01:01,613
Those are the guys
that stole our uniforms!
824
01:01:01,700 --> 01:01:04,112
And beat the shit out of us, too!
825
01:01:08,915 --> 01:01:10,451
We got company.
826
01:01:15,297 --> 01:01:16,537
Watch out!
827
01:01:19,718 --> 01:01:21,754
Damn it! That's our only way out.
828
01:01:21,803 --> 01:01:23,964
- We're trapped.
- I hate these movies.
829
01:01:27,934 --> 01:01:30,846
- I'm out of ammo!
- Get back! I'll hold them off.
830
01:01:32,147 --> 01:01:33,683
I got an ideal
831
01:01:35,275 --> 01:01:36,890
what's he doing?
832
01:01:49,664 --> 01:01:50,824
Good work.
833
01:01:50,916 --> 01:01:53,908
- More ping-pongs. Run for it.
- Let's go!
834
01:01:57,756 --> 01:01:59,838
It's closing!
835
01:02:01,301 --> 01:02:03,007
The door's closing!
836
01:02:03,094 --> 01:02:04,550
Go for broke!
837
01:02:12,979 --> 01:02:15,686
Don't move or you're dead. Stand up!
838
01:02:15,774 --> 01:02:17,765
Captain, we've got them.
839
01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:25,610
Spectacular stunt, my friends,
but all for naught.
840
01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:28,358
Turn around, please.
841
01:02:29,829 --> 01:02:32,946
What a pity.
842
01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:37,956
So, Princess, you thought you could
outwit the imperious force of...
843
01:02:41,424 --> 01:02:42,834
You idiots!
844
01:02:43,385 --> 01:02:46,969
These are not them.
You've captured their stunt doubles.
845
01:02:47,889 --> 01:02:50,676
Search the area. Find them!
846
01:02:53,353 --> 01:02:56,060
Hurry up. Get aboard. I'll hold them off.
847
01:02:59,359 --> 01:03:02,192
- Open the door!
- I can't, it's fused.
848
01:03:02,237 --> 01:03:04,193
- What about this one?
- It's locked.
849
01:03:04,239 --> 01:03:06,025
- Where are the keys?
- Inside.
850
01:03:06,074 --> 01:03:07,689
- Oh, great!
- Duck!
851
01:03:10,912 --> 01:03:13,244
Here, you hold them off. I'll get the door.
852
01:03:13,331 --> 01:03:15,788
I ain't shooting this thing. I hate guns.
853
01:03:18,378 --> 01:03:21,165
My hair. He shot my hair!
854
01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:24,255
You son of a bitch!
855
01:03:35,061 --> 01:03:36,926
Holy shit!
856
01:03:41,735 --> 01:03:43,191
How was that?
857
01:03:43,236 --> 01:03:44,726
Not bad.
858
01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:46,277
Not bad for a girl.
859
01:03:46,364 --> 01:03:48,696
That was pretty good for Rambo!
860
01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:50,690
Let's blow this joint.
861
01:04:02,339 --> 01:04:05,752
President skroob! Salute!
862
01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:07,378
Hail, skroob.
863
01:04:08,887 --> 01:04:11,799
The ship is too big.
If I walk, the movie will be over.
864
01:04:11,890 --> 01:04:13,346
- Sir.
- Yes?
865
01:04:14,267 --> 01:04:17,100
Never have that damn thing down
in front of me.
866
01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:20,103
How do I know you're not
making faces at me under that thing?
867
01:04:20,148 --> 01:04:21,604
- President skroob.
- Yes?
868
01:04:21,691 --> 01:04:23,852
There it is, planet druidia.
869
01:04:24,652 --> 01:04:28,611
Planet druidia.
And 10,000 years of fresh air.
870
01:04:28,990 --> 01:04:31,151
The way he runs things, it won't last 100.
871
01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:32,242
What?
872
01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:34,492
Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir.
873
01:04:34,579 --> 01:04:37,116
- Good. Get on with it.
- Ready, kafka?
874
01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:45,461
Look, it's spaceball one.
875
01:04:47,634 --> 01:04:50,967
- They've reached the air shield.
- And it's opening.
876
01:04:54,641 --> 01:04:56,677
The ship's too big.
They'll never get through.
877
01:04:56,768 --> 01:04:59,851
How will they get the air out?
I don't see any hoses or anything.
878
01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:06,812
What's happening?
879
01:05:09,781 --> 01:05:12,238
The ship. Changing.
880
01:05:26,297 --> 01:05:29,915
Oh, my gosh. It's not just a spaceship.
881
01:05:30,760 --> 01:05:32,500
It's a transformer.
882
01:05:43,565 --> 01:05:45,021
It's changing into...
883
01:05:45,108 --> 01:05:48,100
- A gigantic...
- Maid!
884
01:05:48,695 --> 01:05:50,560
With a vacuum cleaner.
885
01:05:52,115 --> 01:05:55,027
So that's how
they're gonna get the air out.
886
01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:20,723
Metamorphosis completed, sir.
Spaceball one has now become
887
01:06:25,231 --> 01:06:26,562
megamaid.
888
01:06:26,983 --> 01:06:29,315
- Good!
- Remarkable.
889
01:06:29,444 --> 01:06:33,687
Now, commence operation vacu-suck.
890
01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:42,328
Suck.
891
01:06:57,096 --> 01:06:59,678
Goodbye, little Vespa.
892
01:07:01,518 --> 01:07:06,103
My little baby Vespa.
893
01:07:13,363 --> 01:07:16,355
- The air bag, it's almost full.
- What do we do?
894
01:07:20,328 --> 01:07:21,613
We've gotta act fast.
895
01:07:21,663 --> 01:07:25,531
Step one: We reverse the vacuum
and blow the air back onto the planet.
896
01:07:25,625 --> 01:07:28,913
Step two: We destroy that thing.
897
01:07:29,170 --> 01:07:31,912
- But isn't that dangerous?
- Extremely.
898
01:07:32,298 --> 01:07:36,166
Plus, I don't know
how the hell we're gonna do it.
899
01:07:36,803 --> 01:07:39,465
What about that ring yogurt gave you?
900
01:07:41,099 --> 01:07:43,306
Come on, boss. Give it a shot!
901
01:07:43,351 --> 01:07:45,342
Okay. Here goes nothing.
902
01:07:55,321 --> 01:07:56,686
Look at that.
903
01:07:56,781 --> 01:07:57,941
Wow!
904
01:07:59,033 --> 01:08:00,523
It's working.
905
01:08:01,703 --> 01:08:03,659
Come on, Schwartz!
906
01:08:12,672 --> 01:08:15,960
- Helmet, what's going on?
- Sandurz, what's going on?
907
01:08:16,009 --> 01:08:19,797
It's megamaid.
She's gone from suck to blow.
908
01:08:20,263 --> 01:08:23,221
What? They're getting all their air back.
Do something.
909
01:08:23,308 --> 01:08:26,015
- Do something!
- Do something!
910
01:08:42,243 --> 01:08:43,779
I'm breathing.
911
01:08:45,038 --> 01:08:46,118
Air.
912
01:08:58,176 --> 01:09:00,383
- Dim the lights.
- Dimming the lights.
913
01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:03,711
- Go to infrared.
- Going to infrared.
914
01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:05,967
- Pray to god.
- Praying to god.
915
01:09:15,234 --> 01:09:17,350
Careful.
916
01:09:24,952 --> 01:09:27,614
- What are you doing?
- Scanning.
917
01:09:35,338 --> 01:09:37,078
There's gotta be
a self-destruct mechanism
918
01:09:37,131 --> 01:09:39,122
somewhere in the central brain area.
919
01:09:43,763 --> 01:09:45,469
I think we just found it.
920
01:09:45,556 --> 01:09:47,387
- Where?
- Watch.
921
01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:54,687
Bingo! There it is.
922
01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:57,895
It's right below us.
923
01:09:58,611 --> 01:10:01,694
- Put her in hover, barf.
- Putting her in hover.
924
01:10:02,532 --> 01:10:05,569
- I'm going down there.
- He's going down there.
925
01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:07,570
I wouldn't.
926
01:10:49,328 --> 01:10:51,489
What the hell are you doing?
927
01:10:52,582 --> 01:10:54,447
The vulcan neck pinch?
928
01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:58,000
No, stupid. You got it much too high.
929
01:10:58,087 --> 01:11:00,794
It's down here
where the shoulder meets the neck.
930
01:11:00,840 --> 01:11:03,252
- Like this?
- Yeah.
931
01:11:06,095 --> 01:11:07,335
Thanks.
932
01:11:12,852 --> 01:11:15,309
Hand print identification, please.
933
01:11:26,199 --> 01:11:27,689
Thanks again.
934
01:11:35,541 --> 01:11:37,077
Is that you, mylar?
935
01:11:48,304 --> 01:11:50,465
Who are you?
What are you doing with that?
936
01:11:50,556 --> 01:11:51,716
This!
937
01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,844
Sweet dreams.
938
01:12:15,998 --> 01:12:19,456
- Not so fast, lone starr.
- Helmet.
939
01:12:20,545 --> 01:12:24,834
So. At last we meet for the first time
for the last time.
940
01:12:27,635 --> 01:12:32,095
Before you die, there is something
you should know about us, lone starr.
941
01:12:33,099 --> 01:12:34,214
What?
942
01:12:34,642 --> 01:12:39,602
I am your father's brother's nephew's
cousin's former roommate.
943
01:12:42,984 --> 01:12:44,690
What's that make us?
944
01:12:44,777 --> 01:12:46,608
Absolutely nothing!
945
01:12:46,988 --> 01:12:49,650
Which is what you are about to become.
946
01:12:50,950 --> 01:12:52,815
Prepare to die.
947
01:13:00,209 --> 01:13:05,078
You have the ring,
and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
948
01:13:07,341 --> 01:13:10,299
Now let's see how well you handle it.
949
01:13:34,785 --> 01:13:36,776
- He did it.
- What?
950
01:13:53,846 --> 01:13:57,213
Shit! I hate it
when I get my Schwartz twisted.
951
01:13:57,934 --> 01:14:02,644
Maybe if I put my leg up on yours,
we could scoot apart, like...
952
01:14:03,230 --> 01:14:06,097
Good. Yeah, on three. One, two, three, go!
953
01:14:48,526 --> 01:14:52,485
So, lone starr,
yogurt has taught you well.
954
01:14:53,614 --> 01:14:56,902
If there's one thing I despise,
it is a fair fight.
955
01:14:57,284 --> 01:14:59,400
But if I must, then I must.
956
01:14:59,620 --> 01:15:01,451
May the best man win.
957
01:15:02,415 --> 01:15:03,905
Put her there.
958
01:15:07,712 --> 01:15:11,830
The ring! I can't believe
you fell for the oldest trick in the book.
959
01:15:12,258 --> 01:15:16,467
What a goof!
What's with you, man? Come on.
960
01:15:16,846 --> 01:15:19,212
You know what?
Here, let me give it back to you.
961
01:15:19,265 --> 01:15:21,722
Look at that! You fell for that, too.
962
01:15:21,767 --> 01:15:23,758
I can't believe it, man.
963
01:15:25,730 --> 01:15:30,440
So, lone starr, now you see
that evil will always triumph
964
01:15:30,943 --> 01:15:32,934
because good is dumb.
965
01:15:42,580 --> 01:15:44,741
Very impressive, lone starr.
966
01:15:45,207 --> 01:15:48,165
Too bad this isn't
the wide world of sports.
967
01:15:49,045 --> 01:15:52,378
Use the Schwartz, lone starr.
Use the Schwartz.
968
01:15:52,465 --> 01:15:54,706
I can't. I lost the ring.
969
01:15:54,800 --> 01:15:57,633
Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis.
970
01:15:57,720 --> 01:16:00,052
I found it in a cracker Jack box.
971
01:16:00,473 --> 01:16:04,261
The Schwartz is in you, lone starr.
It's in you.
972
01:16:04,310 --> 01:16:06,471
All right. I'll try.
973
01:16:06,812 --> 01:16:09,394
Say goodbye to your two best friends.
974
01:16:09,774 --> 01:16:12,686
And I don't mean your pals
in the winnebago.
975
01:16:21,368 --> 01:16:24,201
Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button.
976
01:16:24,288 --> 01:16:27,371
This ship will self-destruct
in three minutes.
977
01:16:32,046 --> 01:16:35,630
What's going on?
Where the hell are we? Paris?
978
01:16:35,674 --> 01:16:38,006
Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button.
979
01:16:38,094 --> 01:16:42,554
This ship will self-destruct
in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds.
980
01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:45,177
You've got to stop it.
Is there any way to stop it?
981
01:16:45,226 --> 01:16:47,342
I can't. It's irreversible.
982
01:16:47,394 --> 01:16:48,975
Like my raincoat.
983
01:16:49,021 --> 01:16:52,104
Attention, this is colonel sandurz
in forward command.
984
01:16:52,191 --> 01:16:53,647
Abandon ship!
985
01:16:53,776 --> 01:16:56,358
All personnel proceed to escape pods.
986
01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:59,152
Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo.
987
01:16:59,198 --> 01:17:03,032
The self-destruct mechanism
has been activated. Abandon ship.
988
01:17:04,078 --> 01:17:07,696
Sandurz, you gotta help me.
I don't know what to do.
989
01:17:07,748 --> 01:17:10,455
I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
990
01:17:10,668 --> 01:17:12,408
This is your two-minute warning.
991
01:17:12,503 --> 01:17:15,711
This ship will self-destruct
in exactly two minutes.
992
01:17:15,798 --> 01:17:18,881
Launch all escape pods
as soon as they are filled.
993
01:17:18,926 --> 01:17:20,837
What's happening? Where is he?
994
01:17:27,518 --> 01:17:28,883
- Where is he?
- Here.
995
01:17:28,936 --> 01:17:31,894
We've got a minute and 40
before the end of the world. Hang on.
996
01:17:36,777 --> 01:17:38,062
- Full throttle.
- Full throttle.
997
01:17:38,154 --> 01:17:40,270
- Go to hyper-jets!
- Going to hyper-jets.
998
01:17:45,619 --> 01:17:47,905
Get out of there.
Where do you think you're going?
999
01:17:47,997 --> 01:17:49,157
Pizza to go!
1000
01:18:11,270 --> 01:18:13,477
That's my escape pod. Who are you?
1001
01:18:13,564 --> 01:18:16,977
I'm the bearded lady.
What are you, one of the freaks?
1002
01:18:19,278 --> 01:18:22,566
Come back! That's my pod! No!
1003
01:18:26,076 --> 01:18:28,818
Come back, you fat, bearded bitch!
1004
01:18:29,997 --> 01:18:34,115
One pod left. And three of us.
And I'm the president.
1005
01:18:34,376 --> 01:18:38,790
Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship.
I think you should go down with it.
1006
01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:40,458
Goodbye!
1007
01:18:43,761 --> 01:18:46,844
What the hell's the matter
with this seat belt?
1008
01:18:55,356 --> 01:18:58,018
This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds.
1009
01:18:58,108 --> 01:19:01,316
This is your last chance
to push the cancellation button.
1010
01:19:01,403 --> 01:19:03,860
Cancellation button? Hurry!
1011
01:19:11,413 --> 01:19:13,825
- Where is it?
- It's gotta be here.
1012
01:19:14,333 --> 01:19:17,825
- Out of order?
- Fuck! Even in the future nothing works.
1013
01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:21,208
This ship will self-destruct
in exactly 10 seconds.
1014
01:19:22,508 --> 01:19:23,998
Counting down.
1015
01:19:24,051 --> 01:19:25,666
Ten. Nine.
1016
01:19:26,345 --> 01:19:27,345
Eight.
1017
01:19:27,388 --> 01:19:30,505
- Six.
- Six? What happened to seven?
1018
01:19:30,557 --> 01:19:32,013
Just kidding.
1019
01:19:32,518 --> 01:19:34,600
- There's the other end. Faster!
- Seven.
1020
01:19:34,687 --> 01:19:37,770
Six. Five. Four.
1021
01:19:37,856 --> 01:19:40,643
Three. Two. One.
1022
01:19:41,235 --> 01:19:43,942
- Have a nice day.
- Thank you.
1023
01:19:54,873 --> 01:19:56,238
We did it!
1024
01:20:03,424 --> 01:20:05,005
We all did it.
1025
01:20:24,111 --> 01:20:28,525
So, I guess you might call that
a case of man bites droid?
1026
01:20:31,493 --> 01:20:34,155
On a sadder note, pizza the hutt,
1027
01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:38,580
famed half man, half pizza,
was found dead earlier today
1028
01:20:38,625 --> 01:20:41,742
in the back seat of his stretched limo.
1029
01:20:41,795 --> 01:20:43,831
Evidently, the notorious gangster
1030
01:20:43,922 --> 01:20:47,790
became locked in his car
and ate himself to death.
1031
01:20:48,510 --> 01:20:52,719
Coming up, pongo's review of rocky 5,000.
1032
01:20:54,016 --> 01:20:56,223
- Pongo.
- Whoever said when you've seen...
1033
01:20:56,268 --> 01:20:58,805
Did you hear that?
Pizza kicked the bucket.
1034
01:20:58,896 --> 01:21:03,139
Now we don't have to pay him the million.
We can keep it for ourselves.
1035
01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:23,868
Daddy!
1036
01:21:24,630 --> 01:21:27,963
Vespa, my darling.
I thought I'd never see you again.
1037
01:21:28,008 --> 01:21:32,547
My sweet little daughter.
I'm so happy that you're home and safe.
1038
01:21:32,638 --> 01:21:36,472
And, little Vespa, here's someone else
who's happy to see you.
1039
01:21:39,770 --> 01:21:42,807
Hello. Where have you been?
1040
01:21:58,330 --> 01:21:59,740
Thanks, hon.
1041
01:22:12,678 --> 01:22:15,841
Hiya, big stuff. Hi, dream.
1042
01:22:15,931 --> 01:22:17,296
What will you have?
1043
01:22:17,349 --> 01:22:20,512
We just got a couple minutes
while we're gassing up. What's ready?
1044
01:22:20,561 --> 01:22:22,927
I can give you the space soup,
or the space special.
1045
01:22:23,021 --> 01:22:25,478
- I'll have the soup.
- Okay.
1046
01:22:25,858 --> 01:22:28,565
I'll have the cleavage. Special.
1047
01:22:29,653 --> 01:22:32,645
Okay, one special and one soup.
1048
01:22:36,034 --> 01:22:38,025
- Ready to order?
- Hi, yes.
1049
01:22:38,078 --> 01:22:40,615
- We'll both have the lunafish.
- Anything to drink?
1050
01:22:40,706 --> 01:22:43,664
Hey, watch where you're sticking
that thing.
1051
01:22:44,793 --> 01:22:48,752
Look, it's got a mind of its own,
sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.
1052
01:22:55,012 --> 01:22:58,425
So, we were lost.
None of us knew where we were.
1053
01:22:58,515 --> 01:23:02,554
And then Harry began feeling around
on all the trees.
1054
01:23:02,644 --> 01:23:06,387
Then he said, "I got it. We on pluto.”
1055
01:23:06,857 --> 01:23:08,939
And we say, "Harry, how can you tell?"
1056
01:23:09,026 --> 01:23:11,642
He said, "from the bark, you dummies.”
1057
01:23:17,493 --> 01:23:18,733
Is he all right?
1058
01:23:18,827 --> 01:23:21,159
Yeah, the guy digs me.
1059
01:23:21,246 --> 01:23:24,329
- Hey, what's wrong with this guy?
- I don't know.
1060
01:23:27,085 --> 01:23:28,575
Bring him some water!
1061
01:23:28,629 --> 01:23:32,087
Water, my ass!
Bring this guy some pepto-bismol!
1062
01:23:32,925 --> 01:23:36,088
Waitress! What did he order?
1063
01:23:36,136 --> 01:23:37,842
He had the special.
1064
01:23:37,930 --> 01:23:40,672
That's what I ordered.
Change my order to the soup.
1065
01:23:40,766 --> 01:23:41,846
Good move.
1066
01:23:50,651 --> 01:23:53,768
Oh, no. Not again!
1067
01:24:05,958 --> 01:24:08,290
Hello, my baby hello, my honey
1068
01:24:08,377 --> 01:24:10,663
hello, my ragtime gal
1069
01:24:10,754 --> 01:24:15,339
send me a kiss by wire
baby, my heart's on fire
1070
01:24:15,425 --> 01:24:17,586
if you refuse me
honey, you'll lose me
1071
01:24:17,636 --> 01:24:19,172
then you'll be left alone
1072
01:24:19,263 --> 01:24:24,223
oh baby, telephone
and tell me I'm your own
1073
01:24:27,020 --> 01:24:28,476
check, please.
1074
01:24:39,199 --> 01:24:41,656
Five minutes to magic time.
1075
01:24:41,702 --> 01:24:45,069
Are you all right, my dear?
You look a little flighty.
1076
01:24:45,163 --> 01:24:48,576
Don't worry about me, father.
I'm completely over him.
1077
01:24:49,835 --> 01:24:51,666
Didn't even stay for the wedding.
1078
01:24:51,712 --> 01:24:54,624
Just grabbed his million space bucks
and ran.
1079
01:24:54,673 --> 01:24:56,789
He didn't take the million.
1080
01:24:56,842 --> 01:24:58,173
He didn't?
1081
01:24:58,218 --> 01:25:03,087
No. He just took 248 space bucks
for lunch, gas and tolls.
1082
01:25:13,483 --> 01:25:15,815
I still can't believe
you turned down the money.
1083
01:25:15,861 --> 01:25:19,319
At least we could have stayed
for the wedding feast. I'm starving.
1084
01:25:19,364 --> 01:25:21,605
Have you got anything to eat?
1085
01:25:22,534 --> 01:25:25,776
Wait a minute.
Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie.
1086
01:25:26,163 --> 01:25:29,326
- Here, chow down.
- Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you.
1087
01:25:29,374 --> 01:25:30,739
- No.
- Okay.
1088
01:25:35,130 --> 01:25:37,621
- Yogurt!
- Hello, boys.
1089
01:25:37,883 --> 01:25:41,375
Well, you opened your fortune cookie,
so here's your fortune.
1090
01:25:41,428 --> 01:25:45,341
Lone starr, you know that medallion
that you wear around your neck
1091
01:25:45,390 --> 01:25:47,551
but you don't know what it means?
1092
01:25:47,601 --> 01:25:50,934
Here's what it means.
It's a royal birth certificate.
1093
01:25:51,021 --> 01:25:55,481
Yes! Your father was a king.
Your mother was a queen.
1094
01:25:55,567 --> 01:25:59,230
Which makes you a certified prince.
1095
01:25:59,279 --> 01:26:01,395
Hey, I'm a prince!
1096
01:26:01,907 --> 01:26:04,148
I'm a prince. Which means...
1097
01:26:04,242 --> 01:26:08,360
Which means, if you hurry,
there could be a Princess in your future.
1098
01:26:08,413 --> 01:26:11,701
If you want to get back there
before she marries sleeping beauty,
1099
01:26:11,750 --> 01:26:14,708
there's a special can of fuel
in your glove compartment.
1100
01:26:14,753 --> 01:26:16,789
- Good luck, boys.
- Bye, yogurt.
1101
01:26:16,880 --> 01:26:20,543
- And, yogurt, thanks.
- You're welcome.
1102
01:26:21,259 --> 01:26:25,502
And may the Schwartz be with you!
1103
01:26:30,519 --> 01:26:32,350
Barf, open that glove compartment.
1104
01:26:32,437 --> 01:26:34,473
You got it, your highness.
1105
01:26:37,859 --> 01:26:40,601
Wow! Liquid Schwartz!
1106
01:26:40,654 --> 01:26:43,316
- Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.
- Right.
1107
01:26:47,119 --> 01:26:48,575
Look at that.
1108
01:26:50,205 --> 01:26:51,285
Donel
1109
01:26:51,373 --> 01:26:54,331
hang on, barf,
we're gonna make spacetracks.
1110
01:27:47,179 --> 01:27:50,671
Dear me, what are those things
coming out of her nose?
1111
01:27:52,184 --> 01:27:54,015
Hey, watch my helmet.
1112
01:27:57,397 --> 01:27:59,353
Spaceballs?
1113
01:27:59,608 --> 01:28:02,315
Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
1114
01:28:05,405 --> 01:28:09,523
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here together
1115
01:28:10,952 --> 01:28:12,158
again.
1116
01:28:12,204 --> 01:28:14,536
Why didn't you tell me
he didn't take the money?
1117
01:28:14,581 --> 01:28:16,162
I didn't think it was important.
1118
01:28:16,208 --> 01:28:17,869
May I continue, please?
1119
01:28:17,959 --> 01:28:20,575
Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
1120
01:28:21,213 --> 01:28:22,544
Thank you.
1121
01:28:23,089 --> 01:28:27,879
To join Princess Vespa
and Princess valium...
1122
01:28:29,137 --> 01:28:31,128
I'm sorry, it's the hair.
1123
01:28:31,723 --> 01:28:36,057
Prince valium
in the bonds of holy matrimony.
1124
01:28:36,144 --> 01:28:39,432
I see it all now.
Don't you see? He loves me!
1125
01:28:39,523 --> 01:28:42,981
I'm trying to conduct a wedding here,
which has nothing to do with love.
1126
01:28:43,068 --> 01:28:44,604
- Please be quiet.
- I'm sorry.
1127
01:28:44,694 --> 01:28:46,730
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.
1128
01:28:46,822 --> 01:28:49,404
- Don't be sorry. Be quiet!
- I'm sorry!
1129
01:28:52,744 --> 01:28:56,783
To join Princess Vespa and prince valium
1130
01:28:56,873 --> 01:28:59,114
in the bonds of holy
1131
01:28:59,292 --> 01:29:00,292
moly!
1132
01:29:06,216 --> 01:29:07,296
Matrimony.
1133
01:29:07,384 --> 01:29:10,000
That's him! I know it's him.
He's come back.
1134
01:29:10,095 --> 01:29:13,587
That's it! I'm gonna take no more chances.
We're doing the short version.
1135
01:29:13,640 --> 01:29:17,383
Prince valium, do you take Princess Vespa
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
1136
01:29:17,435 --> 01:29:21,178
Princess Vespa, do you take prince valium
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
1137
01:29:21,273 --> 01:29:23,605
Well, I suppose.
1138
01:29:23,817 --> 01:29:25,682
Well... oh, I don't know.
1139
01:29:25,777 --> 01:29:27,984
- No! She doesn't!
- What?
1140
01:29:33,326 --> 01:29:35,157
Who the hell are you?
1141
01:29:35,328 --> 01:29:37,159
Prince lone starr.
1142
01:29:37,247 --> 01:29:38,487
Prince?
1143
01:29:38,582 --> 01:29:40,994
I just found out. That's what this says.
1144
01:29:41,084 --> 01:29:43,200
I'm an honest to god prince.
1145
01:29:43,795 --> 01:29:45,456
Will you marry me?
1146
01:29:45,797 --> 01:29:47,958
Well, let me think about it.
1147
01:29:49,092 --> 01:29:50,207
Yes.
1148
01:29:50,302 --> 01:29:54,762
I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who
it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today!
1149
01:29:54,806 --> 01:29:56,637
- Who are you?
- I'm the best man.
1150
01:29:56,683 --> 01:29:58,139
- What's your name?
- Barf.
1151
01:29:58,184 --> 01:30:00,300
- Your full name.
- Barfolomew.
1152
01:30:02,981 --> 01:30:04,767
Then get over there!
1153
01:30:04,816 --> 01:30:07,933
Okay, here we go.
The short, short version.
1154
01:30:08,361 --> 01:30:10,443
- Do you?
- Yes.
1155
01:30:10,488 --> 01:30:11,728
- Do you?
- Yes!
1156
01:30:11,823 --> 01:30:14,109
Good. You're married. Kiss her.
1157
01:30:14,576 --> 01:30:16,908
- I love you.
- I love you.
1158
01:30:28,381 --> 01:30:30,588
Well, goodbye, virgin alarm.
80308
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.