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1
00:00:03,221 --> 00:00:07,308
After the kid goes back to his mother's,
you wanna go out and grab some dinner?
2
00:00:07,309 --> 00:00:09,101
I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
3
00:00:09,102 --> 00:00:10,603
Why not? You got a date?
4
00:00:10,604 --> 00:00:14,900
He said knowing the answer,
but asking anyway just to be polite.
5
00:00:14,901 --> 00:00:16,109
I don't have a date.
6
00:00:16,110 --> 00:00:21,448
He replied, all the while thinking,
"Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."
7
00:00:21,449 --> 00:00:22,907
So why can't you go?
8
00:00:22,908 --> 00:00:26,036
Are you kidding?
I'm paying alimony to two women.
9
00:00:26,037 --> 00:00:28,621
I don't have money for luxuries
like eating out.
10
00:00:28,622 --> 00:00:30,957
Or eating in, really.
11
00:00:30,958 --> 00:00:33,918
I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.
12
00:00:33,919 --> 00:00:37,423
- That's all right. I'll treat.
- No, you've done too much already.
13
00:00:37,424 --> 00:00:42,284
Yeah, but it's not like
I'm keeping a tab, $26,382.
14
00:00:42,971 --> 00:00:45,055
To date.
15
00:00:45,056 --> 00:00:48,350
Exactly. So I need to start carrying
my own weight.
16
00:00:48,351 --> 00:00:52,271
Which is actually getting easier
now that I'm wasting away.
17
00:00:52,272 --> 00:00:55,566
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
- I'm not feeling sorry for myself.
18
00:00:55,567 --> 00:01:01,156
I'll find something here to eat. Maybe
some scrambled eggs and a Popsicle.
19
00:01:01,157 --> 00:01:03,657
Fine. See you later.
20
00:01:10,833 --> 00:01:14,210
All right, I'm only gonna ask you
one more time.
21
00:01:14,211 --> 00:01:17,005
- Would you like to have dinner with me?
- That depends.
22
00:01:17,006 --> 00:01:19,759
- Where are we going?
- Oh, for God's sake.
23
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,427
What? I don't even get a vote?
24
00:01:21,428 --> 00:01:23,596
You don't get a vote,
you get a free meal.
25
00:01:23,597 --> 00:01:28,684
Well, if I was one of your dates,
you'd ask where I wanted to go.
26
00:01:28,685 --> 00:01:31,185
You're right.
27
00:01:32,022 --> 00:01:34,902
So where do you wanna go, baby?
28
00:01:35,025 --> 00:01:36,233
That's very funny.
29
00:01:36,234 --> 00:01:41,448
No, no, no, let's get something hot in you
and then get something hot in you.
30
00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:43,408
Knock it off.
31
00:01:43,409 --> 00:01:44,617
Gee, you smell good.
32
00:01:44,618 --> 00:01:47,662
You know what? Okay, I'll just stay here
and have a Popsicle.
33
00:01:47,663 --> 00:01:49,456
Oh, you'll be getting the Popsicle.
34
00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:52,041
Fine, fine, fine.
Okay, you pick the restaurant.
35
00:01:52,042 --> 00:01:53,710
Thank you. How about sushi?
36
00:01:53,711 --> 00:01:56,211
Ugh. Not a big fan.
37
00:01:57,548 --> 00:02:00,538
Oh, that's Judith. Keep thinking.
38
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,680
Jake, your mother's here.
39
00:02:07,309 --> 00:02:09,936
Hey, that Popsicle almost-
40
00:02:20,530 --> 00:02:23,032
- Hello.
- Hi. Yeah, he'll be right out.
41
00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:26,124
Do me a favor and take them both.
42
00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:31,875
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, honey. Would you wait in the car?
43
00:02:31,876 --> 00:02:34,836
- Who's in trouble? Me or Dad?
- No one's in trouble.
44
00:02:34,837 --> 00:02:37,337
It's you.
45
00:02:38,340 --> 00:02:40,175
If you're gonna chew my ass off...
46
00:02:40,176 --> 00:02:44,762
...just know I'm planning on having it
for breakfast tomorrow.
47
00:02:44,763 --> 00:02:46,557
No, you didn't do anything, Alan.
48
00:02:46,558 --> 00:02:50,728
I just, uh-
I wanted to let you know that, uh-
49
00:02:50,729 --> 00:02:52,396
Boy, this is awkward. Um...
50
00:02:52,397 --> 00:02:54,606
Remember I was dating
Jake's pediatrician?
51
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:57,192
Yeah, yeah, Melnick.
Uh, what about him?
52
00:02:57,193 --> 00:03:00,779
Well, we started seeing each other again
and it's gotten serious.
53
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,280
Oh, how serious?
54
00:03:03,366 --> 00:03:07,196
He asked me to marry him
and I said yes.
55
00:03:07,245 --> 00:03:09,746
Oh. Wow.
56
00:03:09,832 --> 00:03:11,291
I-
57
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,585
I don't know what to say. Um...
58
00:03:13,586 --> 00:03:15,253
I guess, congratulations.
59
00:03:15,254 --> 00:03:18,548
Thank you. I just wanted to let you know
before we told Jake.
60
00:03:18,549 --> 00:03:20,466
Sure. Sure. I appreciate it.
61
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:24,137
It's kind of weird, isn't it?
I mean, we spent so many years together.
62
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:26,973
It's hard for me to think of you married
to somebody else.
63
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:29,474
Yeah.
64
00:03:32,147 --> 00:03:33,939
Still, I wish you the best, though.
65
00:03:33,940 --> 00:03:36,660
Oh, I know you do. Thank you.
66
00:03:37,986 --> 00:03:40,486
- Well, bye.
- Bye.
67
00:03:49,789 --> 00:03:51,748
Five, six, seven, eight.
68
00:03:51,749 --> 00:03:53,418
No more alimony
69
00:03:53,419 --> 00:03:55,086
No more alimony
70
00:03:55,087 --> 00:03:56,671
No more alimony
71
00:03:56,672 --> 00:03:59,172
No more alimony
72
00:04:27,420 --> 00:04:29,629
You know the problem with sushi?
73
00:04:29,630 --> 00:04:32,382
You mean, besides eating it with you?
74
00:04:32,383 --> 00:04:35,260
It's all fleshy and flappy and wet.
75
00:04:35,261 --> 00:04:37,889
Feels unnatural against my tongue.
76
00:04:37,890 --> 00:04:39,557
- Hey, Alan?
- What?
77
00:04:39,558 --> 00:04:43,853
I think I know why your marriages
didn't work out.
78
00:04:43,854 --> 00:04:47,607
Oh, stop it.
Now, speaking of marriages...
79
00:04:47,608 --> 00:04:50,234
...the next time we go out to dinner,
it'll be on me.
80
00:04:50,235 --> 00:04:52,737
Because with Judith
getting married again...
81
00:04:52,738 --> 00:04:54,989
...I'll have...
82
00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:56,574
Five, six, seven, eight.
83
00:04:56,575 --> 00:04:58,410
No more alimony
84
00:04:58,411 --> 00:05:00,078
No more alimony
85
00:05:00,079 --> 00:05:02,205
No more alimo-
86
00:05:02,206 --> 00:05:03,623
Hey, Dad.
87
00:05:03,624 --> 00:05:05,292
What are you doing here?
88
00:05:05,293 --> 00:05:08,253
- And how'd you get in?
- Rose let me in.
89
00:05:08,254 --> 00:05:10,130
Hey, guys.
90
00:05:10,131 --> 00:05:11,798
How was dinner?
91
00:05:11,799 --> 00:05:13,967
Forget dinner. What are you doing here?
92
00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:16,261
Keeping Jake company.
93
00:05:16,262 --> 00:05:19,265
But if you let him in,
you had to have been here before him.
94
00:05:19,266 --> 00:05:21,142
Well, yeah.
95
00:05:21,143 --> 00:05:22,768
But if Jake hadn't shown up...
96
00:05:22,769 --> 00:05:26,314
...I'd be gone by now
and you'd never know I was here.
97
00:05:26,315 --> 00:05:29,942
So, what, you just waltz in and make
yourself at home whenever I'm out?
98
00:05:29,943 --> 00:05:31,152
That's not true.
99
00:05:31,153 --> 00:05:34,093
Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.
100
00:05:34,948 --> 00:05:36,407
Wait, let's go back here.
101
00:05:36,408 --> 00:05:38,993
- Jake, why aren't you at your mother's?
- I ran away.
102
00:05:38,994 --> 00:05:41,825
Sometimes you're in the shower.
103
00:05:42,415 --> 00:05:44,541
Rose, please. Why did you run away?
104
00:05:44,542 --> 00:05:46,668
Because I hate it there.
105
00:05:46,669 --> 00:05:48,962
Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
106
00:05:48,963 --> 00:05:52,373
It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad.
107
00:05:53,050 --> 00:05:55,880
It's about Mom getting married.
108
00:05:56,429 --> 00:05:59,889
- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
- That was when they were just dating.
109
00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:02,852
Now he thinks he can tell me what to do.
He's not my father.
110
00:06:02,853 --> 00:06:07,857
- You don't do what I tell you to do.
- Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.
111
00:06:07,858 --> 00:06:10,109
Alan, if I could just interrupt for one sec.
112
00:06:10,110 --> 00:06:13,195
How do you keep getting in?
I've changed the locks three times.
113
00:06:13,196 --> 00:06:17,006
Yes.
But you didn't change the locksmith.
114
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,660
I could recommend somebody.
115
00:06:21,663 --> 00:06:23,372
Good night, Rose.
116
00:06:23,373 --> 00:06:25,792
I replace everything I eat.
117
00:06:25,793 --> 00:06:27,669
- Good night.
- You know how I do it?
118
00:06:27,670 --> 00:06:30,964
I keep an exact duplicate fridge
at my house.
119
00:06:30,965 --> 00:06:35,927
- Good night, Rose.
- By the way, we're out of Popsicles.
120
00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:38,722
I'm gonna call your mother.
She's probably worried sick.
121
00:06:38,723 --> 00:06:43,113
She's probably in the hot tub
with Dr. Melnick.
122
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:46,564
How'd you get here?
You steal a car or something?
123
00:06:46,565 --> 00:06:49,191
How can I steal a car? I'm 12.
124
00:06:49,192 --> 00:06:52,779
You kids these days. No imagination.
125
00:06:53,405 --> 00:06:56,866
- I took the bus.
- In L.A.? At night?
126
00:06:56,867 --> 00:06:59,368
You would've been safer stealing a car.
127
00:06:59,369 --> 00:07:01,829
What's your plan?
Where are you headed?
128
00:07:01,830 --> 00:07:03,914
I'm gonna stay here.
129
00:07:03,915 --> 00:07:06,415
Oh, you can't stay here.
130
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:10,213
- Why not?
- Because you're running away.
131
00:07:10,214 --> 00:07:14,217
Away, according to the dictionary,
means "not here."
132
00:07:14,218 --> 00:07:17,220
It's usually preceded
by the words "far, far"...
133
00:07:17,221 --> 00:07:19,721
...or in your case, "go."
134
00:07:20,599 --> 00:07:22,934
Oh, come on.
Why can't I live with you guys?
135
00:07:22,935 --> 00:07:26,229
Oh, Jake, do you have any idea
how much I have to clean up my act...
136
00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:27,689
...when you're here?
137
00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:29,107
What are you talking about?
138
00:07:29,108 --> 00:07:32,069
I see you drink, gamble,
you have strange girls sleep over.
139
00:07:32,070 --> 00:07:36,866
Uh-huh. Drop in unannounced on a
Wednesday and you'll be scarred for life.
140
00:07:36,867 --> 00:07:39,660
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Your mother's crying.
141
00:07:39,661 --> 00:07:41,036
Good.
142
00:07:41,037 --> 00:07:42,413
Hey.
143
00:07:42,414 --> 00:07:45,124
- Don't be mean to your mother.
- You're mean to your mom.
144
00:07:45,125 --> 00:07:46,959
My mother can take it.
145
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,460
She actually feeds on it.
146
00:07:50,088 --> 00:07:53,341
She wanted me to tell you
that she loves you more than anything...
147
00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:55,802
...she and Dr. Melnick
aren't gonna get married...
148
00:07:55,803 --> 00:07:58,471
...until you've had time to adjust
to the idea.
149
00:07:58,472 --> 00:08:04,822
Then they'll never get married,
because I'm never gonna adjust to it.
150
00:08:05,146 --> 00:08:07,926
- Five, six, seven-
- Shut up.
151
00:08:11,277 --> 00:08:14,989
I am a little surprised at you. I'd think
you'd want your mom to be happy.
152
00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:17,158
Hey, she can be happy all she wants...
153
00:08:17,159 --> 00:08:19,869
...I just don't need some jerk
pretending he's my dad.
154
00:08:19,870 --> 00:08:21,620
Oh, why not?
155
00:08:21,621 --> 00:08:23,664
Because I already have a dad.
156
00:08:23,665 --> 00:08:26,165
And he's already a jerk.
157
00:08:27,377 --> 00:08:29,169
All right, buddy.
158
00:08:29,170 --> 00:08:31,839
I'm gonna have to tell you
something pretty heavy.
159
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,261
But I think it's something
that you're old enough to understand.
160
00:08:36,262 --> 00:08:38,762
You can do better than me.
161
00:08:39,348 --> 00:08:41,848
Way better.
162
00:08:42,226 --> 00:08:44,477
Did you know
that I'm not even a real doctor?
163
00:08:44,478 --> 00:08:46,104
But Dr. Melnick is.
164
00:08:46,105 --> 00:08:48,398
- So what?
- So what? Are you kidding?
165
00:08:48,399 --> 00:08:51,651
He makes more money. He can
buy you better presents than I can.
166
00:08:51,652 --> 00:08:56,030
Don't underestimate the value of having
a prescription pad lying around the house.
167
00:08:56,031 --> 00:08:59,326
- Charlie.
- You know, if someone gets sick.
168
00:08:59,327 --> 00:09:01,579
Or bored.
169
00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:03,205
But I only need one dad.
170
00:09:03,206 --> 00:09:04,832
And you'll only have one dad.
171
00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:08,711
But there's nothing that says
you can't call him "Dad" and me "Alan."
172
00:09:08,712 --> 00:09:11,046
We'll still know who's who.
173
00:09:11,047 --> 00:09:13,557
I'm getting a little misty.
174
00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:18,888
Forget it. I'm never gonna like him.
175
00:09:18,889 --> 00:09:24,659
May I suggest you try a more,
shall we say, practical approach?
176
00:09:27,231 --> 00:09:31,234
Jake, how much does your mom give you
for allowance?
177
00:09:31,235 --> 00:09:33,236
Ten dollars a week.
178
00:09:33,237 --> 00:09:35,196
Okay.
179
00:09:35,197 --> 00:09:40,286
Uh... I'm gonna write down some
figures here and you tell me to stop...
180
00:09:40,287 --> 00:09:47,287
...when you see a number that makes you
feel a little warmer toward Dr. Melnick.
181
00:09:49,879 --> 00:09:52,840
I was so worried about you,
don't you ever do that again.
182
00:09:52,841 --> 00:09:55,467
- Thanks for bringing him back.
- No problem.
183
00:09:55,468 --> 00:09:59,596
- Isn't there something you wanna say?
- Yeah.
184
00:09:59,597 --> 00:10:02,098
I love you, Dr. Melnick.
185
00:10:13,654 --> 00:10:14,862
Let's get you to bed.
186
00:10:14,863 --> 00:10:18,908
- You've got school in the morning-
- Hang on.
187
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:21,409
Night, Dad. See you, Alan.
188
00:10:22,454 --> 00:10:23,998
Night, buddy.
189
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,667
Boy, he's really warming up to you.
190
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,169
Yeah. Listen,
have you and Judith ever discussed...
191
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:32,840
...putting Jake on any sort
of medication?
192
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,341
Why? What do you got?
193
00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:37,970
No, no. We haven't. Why?
194
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,722
One minute he hates me,
the next minute he loves me.
195
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,016
Those kind of mood swings
aren't normal.
196
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,018
Oh, no, no, no, don't worry about that.
197
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:48,523
That's not an emotional problem.
That's more like, uh-
198
00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:51,024
A kind of, uh-
199
00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:55,029
- Charlie?
- We paid him to like you.
200
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:59,820
- You what?
- And it cost less than you might think.
201
00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:04,664
But that's a good thing.
A bribable child is a controllable child.
202
00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:08,168
Plus, he's not too bright,
so you can lie to him all you want.
203
00:11:08,169 --> 00:11:09,420
- Charlie.
- Oh, come on.
204
00:11:09,421 --> 00:11:15,641
Until he was 10, I had him convinced
that swizzle sticks were money.
205
00:11:16,469 --> 00:11:18,929
Hey, hey, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks.
206
00:11:18,930 --> 00:11:21,598
Have you guys considered
eloping to Vegas?
207
00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:23,350
- No-
- I know what you're thinking.
208
00:11:23,351 --> 00:11:28,063
"Tacky, tacky," but actually, it isn't.
It's classy and very romantic.
209
00:11:28,064 --> 00:11:30,984
Yeah, some of the hotel rooms
have those big mirrored walls.
210
00:11:30,985 --> 00:11:35,875
It's like watching your ass bob up
and down in IMAX.
211
00:11:36,198 --> 00:11:37,740
Oh.
212
00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:40,284
We're gonna put things on hold
for a little while.
213
00:11:40,285 --> 00:11:44,288
- Why? You love Judith, don't you?
- Of course. She's a great woman.
214
00:11:44,289 --> 00:11:46,789
How's the sex?
215
00:11:46,792 --> 00:11:48,835
That's a little personal, isn't it?
216
00:11:48,836 --> 00:11:51,797
Hey, I didn't ask
which way you point her.
217
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:54,091
I wanna make sure you two kids
are compatible.
218
00:11:54,092 --> 00:11:57,261
Oh, well, there's no problem in that area.
219
00:11:57,262 --> 00:11:59,762
See, Alan? It was you.
220
00:12:04,143 --> 00:12:08,273
That's me. The original
one-pump chump. Ha.
221
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:11,315
So I hear.
222
00:12:11,484 --> 00:12:14,904
The thing is, I'm just not sure
I'm ready to be a stepfather.
223
00:12:14,905 --> 00:12:17,365
Oh, sure you are. You'll be terrific, right?
224
00:12:17,366 --> 00:12:20,118
As long as there's food,
and money in your wallet...
225
00:12:20,119 --> 00:12:22,412
...you'll own the little peckerhead.
226
00:12:22,413 --> 00:12:26,249
Poor baby was exhausted. He fell asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
227
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:29,544
- Another plus. Sound sleeper.
- Yeah, nothing wakes that kid up.
228
00:12:29,545 --> 00:12:33,405
I've had some real screamers
at my place.
229
00:12:33,924 --> 00:12:36,009
It's getting late. I'd like to go to bed.
230
00:12:36,010 --> 00:12:38,971
Why don't you do that?
Listen, fatherhood is no big deal.
231
00:12:38,972 --> 00:12:42,849
Truth is, with the Internet and everything,
they practically raise themselves.
232
00:12:42,850 --> 00:12:44,851
Alan.
233
00:12:44,852 --> 00:12:48,682
You go ahead, honey. I'll be in a second.
234
00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:52,442
I don't know. I just think I need
some time to get used to the idea.
235
00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:54,277
No, no, no. Don't think about it.
236
00:12:54,278 --> 00:12:57,532
Parenthood is like skydiving.
You gotta jump out of the old plane.
237
00:12:57,533 --> 00:13:00,451
And get sucked into the old propeller.
238
00:13:00,452 --> 00:13:02,952
A propeller of love.
239
00:13:02,955 --> 00:13:06,916
Hey, listen, why don't we go out
and talk about this over a couple of beers?
240
00:13:06,917 --> 00:13:11,003
Oh. Thanks. I really enjoy spending time
with you fellas, but I don't really drink.
241
00:13:11,004 --> 00:13:13,507
That's okay, neither do I.
242
00:13:15,217 --> 00:13:18,303
Well, okay, sure.
Let me just tell Judith I'm leaving.
243
00:13:18,304 --> 00:13:21,390
- That's okay. I'll tell her. We're leaving.
- Good.
244
00:13:21,391 --> 00:13:23,891
Let's go.
245
00:13:26,854 --> 00:13:31,149
My first wife and I tried to have kids,
but it just didn't happen.
246
00:13:31,150 --> 00:13:35,070
Then when she got sick and passed away,
I didn't think I'd ever have a family.
247
00:13:35,071 --> 00:13:38,241
- Oh, that's so sad.
- Yeah.
248
00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:41,327
Who was shooting blanks, you or her?
249
00:13:41,328 --> 00:13:46,415
That doesn't matter. What matters
is that he's starting fresh with Judith.
250
00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:49,406
A live woman of proven fertility.
251
00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:54,966
What good does that do
if he's packing a starter's pistol?
252
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,342
I'm fine.
253
00:13:56,343 --> 00:13:59,220
You hear that? He's fine.
Jake can have a little brother.
254
00:13:59,221 --> 00:14:03,266
- That would be a blessing from heaven.
- Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
255
00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:05,767
Then wear a condom.
256
00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:08,563
Besides, Jake's used to being
an only child.
257
00:14:08,564 --> 00:14:13,693
If there was a new one,
he'd probably eat it by mistake.
258
00:14:13,694 --> 00:14:16,238
So, Herb, you haven't touched your beer.
259
00:14:16,239 --> 00:14:19,241
Oh, well, like I said,
I'm not much of a drinker.
260
00:14:19,242 --> 00:14:21,618
Then we need a drinking game.
261
00:14:21,619 --> 00:14:27,458
How about this? Each time Alan shoots
me a dirty look, we all take a drink.
262
00:14:27,459 --> 00:14:29,959
Oop. And here we go.
263
00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:37,343
You guys are great guys.
264
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,803
I love you guys.
265
00:14:38,804 --> 00:14:42,004
You know why? Because you're great.
266
00:14:42,224 --> 00:14:45,977
You know, Herb, I wish more women
held their liquor the way you do.
267
00:14:45,978 --> 00:14:48,478
Thank you.
268
00:14:51,651 --> 00:14:53,819
I would like to propose a toast.
269
00:14:53,820 --> 00:14:55,695
- To Jake.
- Ah, Jake's great.
270
00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:58,782
- And to Judith.
- Absolutely. Judith's great too.
271
00:14:58,783 --> 00:15:01,243
And to your upcoming marriage.
272
00:15:01,244 --> 00:15:03,744
Ah, sure. What the hell.
273
00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:09,418
You know what I never had?
274
00:15:09,419 --> 00:15:11,919
A second beer?
275
00:15:12,798 --> 00:15:15,132
No, no, a bachelor party.
276
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:18,123
Me neither. Thanks to my brother.
277
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:20,678
Oop. Bottoms up.
278
00:15:21,306 --> 00:15:22,515
Mm.
279
00:15:22,516 --> 00:15:25,351
Hey, why don't we make this
your bachelor party?
280
00:15:25,352 --> 00:15:28,980
You know, one last big blowout
with your friends before you get married.
281
00:15:28,981 --> 00:15:32,150
- But my friends aren't here.
- What about us? We're your friends.
282
00:15:32,151 --> 00:15:34,569
We wish you well, right, Charlie?
283
00:15:34,570 --> 00:15:37,030
Well.
284
00:15:37,031 --> 00:15:39,199
Oh, come on, what do you say?
285
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,326
I don't know. I mean...
286
00:15:41,327 --> 00:15:44,204
...if this is a bachelor party...
287
00:15:44,205 --> 00:15:47,805
...wouldn't there be a couple strippers?
288
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,461
- Charlie?
- I'm on it.
289
00:16:04,434 --> 00:16:07,561
He's gonna make a great stepdad
for Jake.
290
00:16:07,562 --> 00:16:08,979
Yeah, whatever.
291
00:16:08,980 --> 00:16:12,317
And with the alimony I save,
I can go out to eat every night.
292
00:16:12,318 --> 00:16:15,487
In restaurants.
And I'm not talking early-bird special.
293
00:16:15,488 --> 00:16:20,428
I can eat when it's dark out
with people my own age.
294
00:16:24,830 --> 00:16:29,570
- Hey, does your cell phone have video?
- Yeah, why?
295
00:16:30,086 --> 00:16:32,253
Observe.
296
00:16:32,254 --> 00:16:33,797
What are you doing?
297
00:16:33,798 --> 00:16:36,717
Just in case he decides
to back out of the wedding.
298
00:16:36,718 --> 00:16:38,719
- That's blackmail.
- So?
299
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,220
I like it.
300
00:16:41,765 --> 00:16:44,265
CHARLIE:
Hey, Herb.
301
00:16:46,269 --> 00:16:49,731
Attaboy. You dumb bastard.
302
00:16:53,610 --> 00:16:55,987
Uh-oh. It's Judith.
303
00:16:55,988 --> 00:16:58,532
Why is she calling me at this hour?
304
00:16:58,533 --> 00:17:00,325
Hello?
305
00:17:00,326 --> 00:17:04,266
Of course it's me.
Who were you expecting?
306
00:17:06,207 --> 00:17:09,297
Oh, my God, this is Herb's phone.
307
00:17:17,594 --> 00:17:20,389
Uh, Herb is in the bathroom.
308
00:17:20,555 --> 00:17:24,809
Yeah, we were just having a couple
of beers and getting to know each other.
309
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:30,147
Well, with all due respect, Judith, before
we got married, I didn't drink either.
310
00:17:30,148 --> 00:17:35,068
Hey, hey. There is no call
for that kind of language.
311
00:17:35,362 --> 00:17:38,447
What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
312
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:40,825
Yeah, I think this phone is...
313
00:17:40,826 --> 00:17:43,371
...running out of batteries.
314
00:17:43,537 --> 00:17:47,797
I said this phone
is running out of batteries.
315
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,834
Goodbye, Judith.
316
00:17:52,213 --> 00:17:53,838
Think she bought it?
317
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:55,048
If she did...
318
00:17:55,049 --> 00:17:57,549
...she's stupider than you.
319
00:18:00,262 --> 00:18:02,598
Excuse me, fellas.
320
00:18:02,599 --> 00:18:05,851
- Can either of you cash a check for me?
- Why?
321
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,686
I'd like to tip the ladies.
322
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,022
No, no, forget the tip.
We gotta get you home.
323
00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:12,483
Pssh. Why would I go home
when for a extra 300 bucks...
324
00:18:12,484 --> 00:18:15,524
...I can go all around the world?
325
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:18,195
He's got a point, Alan.
326
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:21,575
Herb, listen to me.
Your fianc�e is worried about you.
327
00:18:21,576 --> 00:18:24,077
Oh. Right.
328
00:18:24,705 --> 00:18:28,501
Golly, she's gonna be pretty PO'd.
329
00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:32,879
- It's okay. She doesn't need to know.
- That's right. She doesn't need to know.
330
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,380
Can I borrow $300?
331
00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:39,803
- What are you doing?
- Call it a wedding gift.
332
00:18:39,804 --> 00:18:42,722
- Are you crazy? I've gotta get him home.
- So take him home.
333
00:18:42,723 --> 00:18:44,474
What are you gonna do?
334
00:18:44,475 --> 00:18:46,727
I'm thinking,
maybe I'll go around the world.
335
00:18:46,728 --> 00:18:51,598
God knows I've racked up
enough frequent-flier miles.
336
00:18:52,234 --> 00:18:54,734
Herb?
337
00:18:55,028 --> 00:18:57,321
Herb?
338
00:18:57,322 --> 00:18:59,822
Herb?
339
00:19:00,033 --> 00:19:05,643
Charlie, you're gonna have to help me
take him home- Charlie?
340
00:19:11,796 --> 00:19:13,922
- You have a key?
- No, I don't have a key.
341
00:19:13,923 --> 00:19:16,508
- Maybe he's got a key.
- Wanna go through his pockets?
342
00:19:16,509 --> 00:19:17,842
Not particularly.
343
00:19:17,843 --> 00:19:20,720
Why don't we leave him on the porch,
ring the bell and run?
344
00:19:20,721 --> 00:19:23,941
He's not a bag of flaming dog poo.
345
00:19:24,266 --> 00:19:27,546
No, that was Judith's first husband.
346
00:19:27,937 --> 00:19:30,978
Oop. Dirty look. Where's my beer?
347
00:19:31,983 --> 00:19:36,613
All right, all right,
I'll go through his pockets.
348
00:19:36,738 --> 00:19:39,238
Ahh. Judith.
349
00:19:41,618 --> 00:19:44,498
What the hell is going on here?
350
00:19:52,963 --> 00:19:54,631
Well, that was close.
351
00:19:54,632 --> 00:19:56,674
No, it wasn't close.
352
00:19:56,675 --> 00:19:59,886
Close is when you get away with it.
That was nowhere near close.
353
00:19:59,887 --> 00:20:01,930
All right, all right, it doesn't matter.
354
00:20:01,931 --> 00:20:04,224
He had a good time,
he's gonna marry Judith...
355
00:20:04,225 --> 00:20:06,059
...and I'm off the hook for alimony.
356
00:20:06,060 --> 00:20:08,560
That's true.
357
00:20:10,230 --> 00:20:12,691
- Hey, Alan?
- Yeah?
358
00:20:12,692 --> 00:20:16,528
You did erase the video
from his cell phone, right?
359
00:20:16,529 --> 00:20:19,365
Oh, boy, it'd be really stupid if I didn't.
360
00:20:19,366 --> 00:20:21,866
Yes, it would.
361
00:20:25,455 --> 00:20:27,748
Hey, Herb. Attaboy.
362
00:20:27,749 --> 00:20:30,249
You dumb bastard.
363
00:20:34,089 --> 00:20:36,216
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
364
00:20:36,217 --> 00:20:38,717
Enjoy.
365
00:20:38,844 --> 00:20:42,598
Okay, so that's one root beer...
366
00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:46,810
...and one orange soda.28565
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