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1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,296
["Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive-By Truckers plays]
2
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:03,686
Give it up for Robert Kelly!
3
00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:16,454
What's up, fuckers?
4
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,078
- How we doing? Good?
- Yeah!
5
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,078
This is a young-ass crowd.
6
00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,213
Except for you.
7
00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:30,166
Yeah, you're...
You're old as shit, 'cause...
8
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:32,468
'Cause your hair is feathered.
9
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,180
What the fuck!
10
00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:42,636
That's like Charlie's Angels shit.
11
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,805
You should solve a crime down on...
12
00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:47,484
fucking the Strip.
13
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,737
It's fucked up getting old, isn't it?
14
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:55,526
Remember running?
15
00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:57,742
Remember being able to run?
16
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:02,079
You know what the fucked-up part is?
You...
17
00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:05,293
You don't know you can't run
until you need to run.
18
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,835
That's when you find out.
19
00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:09,458
"I don't have this skill-set anymore."
20
00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:13,513
I have a six-year-old, we were at a park,
he just ran away.
21
00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:15,181
Just fucking left.
22
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:16,795
I was like, "Maximus!
23
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:19,061
Bye.
24
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:22,516
I love you, dude.
25
00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:25,767
I got plantar fasciitis. I can't get you."
26
00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:34,653
That's fucked up. The older you get,
the less friends you have, too, right?
27
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:38,197
It winds up being just you
and the person you love, that's it.
28
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:42,540
I mean real love, not, you know,
this young people Vegas horseshit.
29
00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:47,543
Fucking, holding onto each other
every second of the day, making out,
30
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,745
banging every night.
31
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,959
Yeah, like this is love. That...
32
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,257
You guys aren't even sitting
near each other. There's like a...
33
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,680
It's like a foot and a half apart.
34
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,470
It's like, "You sit over there,
I want to enjoy myself.
35
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:03,977
I don't want to look
at your judgmental mug every five..."
36
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:09,725
Yeah...
37
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,275
It's fucked up, right?
38
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:15,610
Yeah, you guys... Young people,
you're going to fuck tonight.
39
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:17,235
You know, there's people here...
40
00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:20,067
Yeah, you guys are banging tonight,
beer dude.
41
00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,948
You're going to go home
and fuck...
42
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:29,076
You're going to go back to the hotel,
"That was fun!"
43
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:35,050
But she's not even going to be mad.
She's going to be like, "Thank you, Jesus.
44
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,761
Thank you so much.
45
00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:40,045
I tuckered him out walking around
Fairmont Street
46
00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:42,176
for a fucking hour and a half."
47
00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:45,314
Whatever shit street that is.
What is it?
48
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:46,891
- Freemont!
- Freeport. What is it?
49
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:49,476
- Freemont!
- Fucking Crack Alley?
50
00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:52,767
You're going to be excited.
51
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:56,359
He's just sleeping.
You're gonna be like, "Thank you... Jesus!
52
00:03:56,444 --> 00:04:00,164
I can rub one out to the fucking
Chippendale poster I saw in the elevator."
53
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:06,656
You don't have to have him on your torso
for four and a half minutes
54
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:09,166
with his sleep apnea machine
in your ear.
55
00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:21,257
Then get a half-wet half-dry towel
and clean this fucking savage off.
56
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,636
Yeah, it's fucked up.
57
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,231
Kissing, too, like...
58
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:31,896
Young people love to kiss.
59
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:34,649
Just fucking, like...
60
00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:36,232
They suck each other's tongues.
61
00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:39,107
I saw this young couple in an elevator
just making out.
62
00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:40,985
Didn't care that we were in the elevator.
63
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,122
Sucking each other like licorice.
64
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,539
Then he stuck his finger down her throat.
65
00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:50,163
Right, just stuck it...
and she started sucking it
66
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:51,458
like it was a penis.
67
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:54,840
If I tried to stick my finger
in my wife's mouth,
68
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:56,749
she'd be like...
"What the...
69
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:59,008
What the fuck was that?
70
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:00,380
Are you mad at me?
71
00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:01,836
What the fuck did I do?
72
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:08,934
If you don't want to listen to me, tell me
to shut the fuck up. Don't do that.
73
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:13,402
You scratched your nuts for a half hour
on the couch watching the game.
74
00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:17,976
All I taste is mushrooms.
I hate mushrooms.
75
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,402
Fucking truffle nuts, leave me alone!"
76
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,204
Around 45, you stop kissing.
77
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,617
That's when you're like...
78
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:31,124
"Hi. Goodbye."
79
00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:34,165
Yeah, 'cause he has a dead tooth
and you don't have dental.
80
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,796
"Let's not do that anymore, how's that?"
81
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:40,879
Even when you're banging, you're like,
"This is good. You like..."
82
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,885
What'd you have, a Panera salad for lunch?
I taste purple onions.
83
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:47,258
Yeah, I think there's one stuck
in your dead tooth.
84
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,967
You want to suck it out for me?"
85
00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:02,565
Remember finger-fucking? Remember that?
Remember finger-popping?
86
00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:05,873
- Remember sticking your fingers in her?
- Just...
87
00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:09,326
That's a young man's game, finger-banging.
88
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:12,039
That's a young man's game.
You can't...
89
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:13,921
You know what I mean?
Like, you can't finger...
90
00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:15,378
I can't finger-bang.
91
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,538
My carpal tunnel would kick in
like a minute and a half in.
92
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:21,548
"Fuck, fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
93
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,804
She'd have to rub CBD all on my wrist
and elbow for fucking...
94
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,559
"This is sexy."
95
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,928
You know how mad
she'd be on a dinner date?
96
00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:33,766
We get in the car, I'm like,
"You like that?"
97
00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:35,101
"No, I don't!
98
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:37,687
I'm full, asshole.
99
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:42,148
Why would I have to pee now?
100
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,445
Great, now I have to pee.
101
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,989
Yes, I'm mad. We just went to Tony Romo's,
102
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,333
you had the ribs
and didn't wash your hands.
103
00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:51,037
Yes, I'm fucking mad.
104
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:55,213
I don't even eat their ribs.
Now the sauce is in my vagina.
105
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,419
I'm going to throw up.
106
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,090
I'm going to throw up on my vagina.
107
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:03,707
I'm going to throw up on my vagina
in a Honda CRV.
108
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,758
Thanks for the dream life, fuckface.
109
00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:09,931
I got to wash my coochie
at a Mobil on the way home
110
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:12,272
'cause I married a fucking idiot.
Pull over.
111
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,854
No, a baby wipe's not
going to cut it!
112
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,404
Pull over! You fucking monkey!"
113
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,267
Yeah, young guys love to finger-bang.
114
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:24,990
Young people finger-fuck outside,
they don't give a shit.
115
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,855
Women don't care either, you know,
116
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,236
"There's people, just look normal.
Look normal."
117
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,620
People calling the cops,
"Yeah, there's a young girl
118
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:40,667
nodding off from heroin
in front of the Rio right now."
119
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,764
You can't finger-fuck
a middle-aged woman. That's...
120
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:54,770
That's disrespectful.
It's just like rude. It's fucking rude.
121
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,685
It's creepy. If I saw you
finger-fucking her...
122
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:02,108
outside, I'm like, "Sir, leave her alone.
Stop that.
123
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,320
Call 911. Call them now.
124
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,610
Ma'am, look at me, are you all right?
125
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,646
Is that how you take your medicine?
126
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,028
Is this a good thing
or a bad thing? Talk to us.
127
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:12,365
We're here to help you."
128
00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:21,251
Yeah, it's weird. Sex dies.
129
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,964
And you feel guilty about it,
you don't fuck as much.
130
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,417
And you feel guilty.
131
00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:28,835
Women, though I think you're phonies
with that shit.
132
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,378
Yeah, because women love...
133
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,803
you know, blaming us,
"Why can't we have sex?"
134
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,717
You don't want to fuck either. Stop it.
135
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:38,015
You know what I mean?
Is that your wife right there?
136
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,890
- Is that... your girlfriend?
- Girlfriend.
137
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:42,687
Yeah, your girlfriend. You can tell
'cause you're holding each other.
138
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,153
Did you...
You were married, though, right?
139
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,494
Yeah, you dumped her
and upped for this one?
140
00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:49,569
Yeah.
141
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:52,414
What, she have a receding hairline,
didn't do it for you anymore?
142
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:53,320
What happened?
143
00:08:55,826 --> 00:08:56,946
Is this your wife?
144
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,246
- Yeah, how long you been married?
- Coming up to 18 years.
145
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:01,620
Eighteen fucking years, holy shit.
146
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:05,171
Fucking crazy.
147
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:07,513
This is why I think women are phony.
148
00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:10,678
Just follow me, before you take away
my career on Twitter.
149
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,679
How old are you, son?
150
00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:16,102
- Twenty-four.
- Twenty-four.
151
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:19,136
Okay, this is fucked up.
Listen to me.
152
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,602
Look at me. That means,
153
00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:22,686
this man right here,
154
00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:26,983
that woman is the only person
to see his dick
155
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,784
in almost your life.
156
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:37,793
The last woman to see his dick
besides her could be dead
157
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,748
from natural causes.
158
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:41,910
What the fuck?
159
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,786
You don't even remember her, do you?
160
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:49,712
- What was her name, Helga?
- What old fucking broad name...
161
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:50,667
Olga?
162
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:53,758
He got a hand job
at a fucking apple picking.
163
00:09:57,888 --> 00:10:00,768
You remember the last girl to touch
your dick besides her, right?
164
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,770
You still talk to her on Facebook,
don't you, little motherfucker, right?
165
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,443
You know you do.
166
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:11,533
It's fucked up.
167
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:14,066
I talk to my wife about that shit.
168
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:15,533
I've been married a long time.
169
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,695
I was like, "Baby, can I talk
to you about something?"
170
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,793
She's like, "What's up?"
I'm like, "Is it true...
171
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:23,793
like, nobody can touch my dick,
like, ever again?"
172
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:26,293
She's like, "Yeah, that's true."
173
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:29,047
I'm like, "Not even for, like,
April Fool's or something?
174
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,546
Like, your friend jerks me off,
but you're in the closet.
175
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,182
You're like, 'April Fool's, motherfucker.
Not happening!'"
176
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,926
She got mad, she was like,
"No, why would you want that?"
177
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,933
I'm like, "You know I'm dirty.
I'm perver... I like to fantasize."
178
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:45,136
She's like, "Well, if you loved me,
you'd fantasize about me sexually."
179
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:46,899
I'm like, "That's not fantasy.
180
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:50,484
That's reality. I want to fantasize.
181
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:53,396
I want a chick with a horn
and three tits and a...
182
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:57,868
a vagina that speaks kind
words of wisdom to my penis."
183
00:10:57,948 --> 00:11:01,038
"The walls of lack and delay
now crumble away.
184
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:03,750
Fulfill your destiny, Bobby!
185
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,172
Think outside my box. Ha-ha!"
186
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:12,125
This is what she said,
this is why I think you're phonies.
187
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,133
She goes, "I don't fantasize
about other people."
188
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,085
I'm like,
"You don't fantasize about other men?"
189
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:19,845
She goes, "No, I fantasize about you
sexually because I love you."
190
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:21,564
I'm like, "When I'm gone,
191
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:24,104
I'm on the road for five days.
192
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:25,352
You're home alone.
193
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:28,274
The kid's asleep,
it's like nine o'clock at night.
194
00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:31,149
And you take an hour shower by yourself.
195
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,484
And you come out in just a robe.
196
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:37,527
You lie in a big king bed,
and that robe falls off your titties.
197
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:41,697
And the ceiling fan hits your nipples
like a York Peppermint Pattie.
198
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:47,462
And your nipple becomes a light switch.
199
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,377
And then you reach into that drawer
on your side of the bed
200
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,881
and pull out that
Brookstones foot massager.
201
00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:59,181
That's never seen a foot.
202
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,352
Doesn't even know what feet look like
203
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:08,059
but somehow changed colors
over the last year-and-a-half.
204
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:16,989
And you close your eyes, turn it on,
put it on your clitoris.
205
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,199
Now you're fantasizing.
206
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,240
You're naked, with Pegasus wings,
207
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,333
flying through the clouds
208
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,241
and clouds are hitting your coochie.
209
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:27,747
'My God. Clouds on my coochie.
210
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,790
The clouds on my coochie.'
211
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:32,634
And then you look, and there's
little monkeys with Brad Pitt faces
212
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,420
flying up to lick your coochie.
213
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,050
'My God, pussy-licking monkeys.
No, get away!
214
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:43,514
Never! I love my husband!
I'll never let you lick my pussy!'
215
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,929
But there's thousands...
216
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,853
And they grab you and bite you...
217
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:52,186
And they rip you to the ground,
'Honey, I tried! There's nothing...'
218
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:58,935
But this does it for you?"
219
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:01,913
She's lying!
220
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,619
She's lying or she's a fucking loser.
221
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,913
If she's masturbating to me,
222
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,996
Like, "My God, the roll
in the back of your neck. God.
223
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,332
My God.
224
00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:15,997
And your dead toenail. I can smell it.
225
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:17,336
I can smell it.
226
00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:20,051
Where is it? Show me.
God, it looks like a corn chip.
227
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,342
I'm going to fucking come right now."
228
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,926
I should dump her.
She has no goals in life.
229
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:27,564
You guys have kids?
230
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:29,095
- How many kids?
- Two.
231
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:30,063
Two.
232
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:31,982
That's when sex falls the fuck off.
233
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,061
I have a boy. I have one.
234
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:36,477
Good-looking, too.
235
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:37,975
Almost too good-looking.
236
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,654
You know what I mean?
237
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,735
For having a good-looking girl, it's okay.
238
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,241
For a man to have a good-looking boy,
it's weird,
239
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:48,293
'cause my alpha-male friends
say inappropriate shit all the time.
240
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:51,076
I had one of my friends walk up,
he was like, "Dude, your kid...
241
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:53,080
gorgeous."
242
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,789
I'm like, "Thank you very much,
he's a good-looking kid."
243
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:58,878
He goes, "No, dude,
it's gonna rain pussy on this kid."
244
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,839
"That's wildly inappropriate.
He's standing right here.
245
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,795
This is... This is his birthday.
246
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:07,005
That's his grandmother. That's...
247
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,216
That's his grandfather."
248
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:12,143
Then he goes like this. He goes,
"Dude, you better teach him now..."
249
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,226
I'm like, "He's six!"
What do I...
250
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:17,111
What do I... What do I teach him?
"Son, lick lemons!"
251
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,241
"I don't like it."
252
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:22,188
"Keep licking!"
253
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,320
"Check for change in pay phones."
254
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,411
"There's nothing in here, Dad."
255
00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:35,327
"Keep checking, motherfucker!"
256
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,048
Then, when he's 18. "Dad, I'm in the limo,
what do I do with her?"
257
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,594
"Daniel- san, lick lemons!
258
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,177
Check for change!
259
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:47,887
Sweep the clit!"
260
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,349
Hai!
261
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:52,769
You...
262
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,772
Yeah, it's all done.
263
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,278
Did you see the babies come out?
264
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:03,358
Yeah. Yeah.
265
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:06,034
That's when it changes.
That's when it kind of dies, right?
266
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,816
Watching a baby come out of a vagina,
267
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:13,498
that's when a man finally realizes,
"A vagina is a baby door."
268
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:14,499
That's...
269
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,415
Like a vagina... Her vagina to you
is for you to do fun shit with and...
270
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:20,791
stick stuff in.
271
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,884
He saw all kinds of stuff.
You know what I'm saying?
272
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:28,085
I remember, I had my baby...
Eight weeks after we had the baby,
273
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,797
My wife was like, "We should have sex."
274
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,257
I was like, "I'm good."
275
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,680
"I'm good for like a year,
maybe two years. I'm all right."
276
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:38,057
She got mad as fuck, too.
277
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:41,015
She was like, "We're having sex.
Get naked right now."
278
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,150
Then we're just lying there naked.
I don't know what to do.
279
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:46,074
She's like, "Play with my breasts."
280
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,073
I'm like, "There's milk in them. No.
281
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,374
I'm not hungry, first of all.
282
00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:54,325
And I don't like the taste
of cereal milk, okay?"
283
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:58,617
That's what it tastes like. You didn't
know that, you little fucker, did you?
284
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,787
Like Froot Loops, it's disgusting.
285
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,673
She goes, "Well then go down on me."
286
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,795
I'm like,
"You're out of your fucking mind!
287
00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:09,392
You're crazy. You're a lunatic.
You're nuts!"
288
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:12,218
She got mad, "Why?
Does my vagina disgust you
289
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,064
'cause you saw a child come out of it?"
290
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:17,639
I was like, "That is the exact
sentence I was going to fucking say!
291
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:21,266
Yes! You fucking mental patient. Yes!
292
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:24,527
I saw a head come
out of there eight weeks ago.
293
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:27,952
And our kid was born with full hair!
A full set of hair.
294
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:30,988
It looked like a little guy
working in your vagina.
295
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:32,703
That fucked me up, I'm sorry.
296
00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,833
I'm not fucking George Clooney.
297
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,080
And you pooed that night.
Did you know that?
298
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,912
I saw two births that night.
299
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,998
A child and a tree trunk...
300
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:44,958
shot out outta your asshole
and knocked the clock off the wall.
301
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:46,755
And I'm never gonna forget it!"
302
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:48,837
I'm Robert Kelly. Thank you so much.
303
00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:51,144
Have a great night.
304
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,824
["Where The Devil Don't Stay" plays]
24094
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