All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S05E09.Fighting.In-Laws.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS-ing

- So you're stuck
with debra's parents

For the whole weekend?

- Well, we hardly
get to see them,

So when they
come to town,

We want to spend as much time
as possible with them.

I've been told
that's how I feel.

- I don't know.

There's something
about debra's mom.

She gives me the willies.

- What about the husband?
He's the weird one.

He got all that lotion
on him.

He's all
slick and moist,

Like a beaver
running through the woods.

- Ray,
could you get that?

- Come in!

- Get the door,
ray.

- All right.

Come in!

- Oh, hello,
raymond.

- Hey, there, uh,
debra!

- Happy turkey's eve,
raymond. Wah!

- Hey, same to you.
Deb! Oh, okay.

- Hi, mom, dad.
You made it.

- Mm-hmm. In record time.
- Yeah?

Your mother kept
an eagle eye out for smokies.

- Ah.
- warren.

- Hi, grandma.
Hi, grandpa.

- Hi, kiddies.
Hi there, babies.

- Oh,
isn't this nice?

Connecticut grandma
and grandpa

And regular grandma
and grandpa.

Who wants tootsie pops?

- Me! Me! Me!

- Oh, lois.

- Hi, marie.
- Hi.

- Marie,
you're looking wonderful!

- oh, I just think
I look a wreck.

I've been
helping debra cook.

You can imagine.

- I'll get the rest.
- Oh, and, robert,

How nice
that you're here.

Oh.

- Oh, he had to go.
He's--

He's--he's, uh,
passing a stone.

- Could you get up, frank?
And would you give me those?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Pants, dad.
Pants, pants.

- Oh.

- You want them up or down?
What kind of party is this?

- You can never complain
about my parents again ever.

I mean it.

- Okay, well,
this is all of it.

- Whoo, you got that?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my goodness.

How long are your relatives
staying, dear?

- Well, we hardly get to see 'em
when they come to town,

We want to spend as much time
as possible with them.

- This is for our trip
to baden-baden in germany.

- It's in
the schwarzwald,

Right on the banks
of the oosbach.

- Oosbach? You know,
there are plenty of places

With funny-sounding names
right here in the u.S.

- That's enough,
frank.

- Milwaukee.
- Dad.

- Lake tahoe.

- What's funny about that?

Tahoe.

- Actually, baden-baden
has the most amazing spa.

- It is amazing,
or as they say,

Erstaunlich.

- I got spit
all over me here.

- ooh, my yams.

- Plenty of marshmallows,
right, marie?

- Of course.
- Because

Without the marshmallows,
it's a damn vegetable.

- I know, frank.

- I'm right in the middle
of my yams, so, ray,

Could you show
my parents upstairs, hon?

- Uh, yeah, all right.
It's just--it's up those stairs.

- Take them
up to the room, ray!

- Ah. We hardly get to see you.
When you come,

We want to spend as much time
as possible with you.

- It's so nice of you

- Cape cod.

- Okay. Dad--dad,
we get it.

- I like
the "cod" part.

- So this is it.
The bedroom.

- You mean,
das shlaufzimmer.

- Yeah,
that's what I mean.

- It's so nice of you

To give up your room
for us, raymond.

I hope we're not
putting you out.

- No, no, no,
except for the part

Where I got to get out.

Okay.

Uh, I'll just get
my jammies.

- You know what's the best thing
to sleep in?

- A hotel?

- Nothing.
Au naturel.

It really gives the body
a sense of freedom, huh, honey?

- Oh, let freedom ring.
Ha ha.

- Oh, yeah,
this is wunderbar.

- Ah.
Nice firm mattress, huh?

- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, this will be great
for my hip.

- My pillow.

Debra.

Debra.
- What?

- Does your father shower
before he goes to bed?

- I don't know.

- We have to get
a new bed.

- Would you just
go to sleep?

My goodness,
you should be happy

To have some normal people
in the house for a change.

- Hey, say what you want
about my father,

He's never been naked
in our bed.

Except for
that one super bowl.

- You told me
he was wearing underwear.

- Just socks.

- We got to get
a new bed.

Where are you going?

- Thirsty.

You know, if you listen
real careful,

You can hear
my pillow screaming.

- Everybody's getting naked
in my bed except me.

- I am getting
something to drink.

- Well, you have to
do the homework.

- I was doing the homework,
commandant.

- No, you weren't
doing it right.

The binder says to list

Our partner's positive
qualities with examples.

Now, have you
done any of the--

- Fine.

"warren is very, very good
at being controlling."

- "controlling"
has two "l"s.

Let me see
what else you wrote.

- Get away from me.
- Lois,

Show me
what you wrote.

I don't want to look
ridiculous this week.

- That's right. All you
care about is how you look.

Well, I don't even
want to go to this thing.

Why can't we just go
to baden-baden

Like we told
everybody?

Well, maybe it's what
I need right now.

- This thing is going to be
a waste of time.

- You are
so damned negative.

You don't think
we need a little help?

How about the sex?
What about the sex?

- I am not withholding sex
from you. I am tired.

Can't I ever be tired?
Is that allowed?

- Well,
I'm never too tired.

Put that on the list.
That's a good quality.

- Oh, yes,
you'd like

For everyone to see that,
wouldn't you?

- What?
All of a sudden

Discussing our sex life
is verboten?

- Ugh. That face.

- What face?

- Your language face.

"verboten,
oosbach."

- I never make that face.

- You have a face
for everything.

Here is your
"how is my hair?" face.

Oh, and my favorite,

"we're out of vermouth?"

- I need the vermouth

To put up
with your phoniness.

"oh, we're off
to baden-baden.

Oh, robert, how wonderful
to see you again."

Come on, you know
the guy freaks you out.

- You are
exactly the same,

And these
are not the people

To tell that you're going
to marriage counseling.

- Lois, it's only
for a week.

- Oh, yes, only a week
of marriage counseling

In new jersey.

It's like getting shot
and then hung.

- Hanged.

- What's going on?

- What happened to you
last night?

Did you go over
to your parents' to sleep?

- Why didn't I
think of that?

No, I slept
in the damn garage.

- What?
You slept in the car?

- No,
I slept on the sled.

- Honey, why?

- I was trapped
down there.

Your parents
were down here yapping,

And I fell asleep,
waiting for them to go upstairs.

- What, so you were hiding
from them?

- They were talking
about personal stuff.

- So?

- You want to know
what they were saying?

- "what's that smell
in the garage?"

- It was about their trip...

Their fakey-fake trip...

To that foreign place.

- What, baden-baden?

- Mm, see?
You want to know.

They're not really
going there.

They're going
to new jersey.

- New jersey?

- For a week
with a marriage counselor.

That's right.

- Huh.

- "huh?" that's it?

That's all you're gonna say?
"huh"?

Come on, this is
big doings here, sister, huh?

She--he hates
that she's a phony,

And she hates
his "oosbach face."

- You know what, ray?
That--it's a private matter.

And my parents,
unlike yours,

Don't feel the need
to inflict their lives

On everybody else.

- Or maybe they're
a little embarrassed

Because, as it turns out,
they're not so perfect.

- Yeah, or maybe
they're just trying

To work out their problems
before their marriage

Degenerates
into a screaming match

Like your parents'.

Arguing about how deep
a pan is before it's a pot.

"if it's
3 inches, it's a pot.

Everybody knows that,
marie."

"if you can't
boil an egg in it,

It's not a pot,
you jackass."

- Hey, either way,

Your perfect little
connecticut,

"oh, oh, make sure
you cut the crust

Off my cucumber sandwich"
parents are frauds.

- You listen.

If my parents
lit an orphanage on fire

On christmas eve,

They wouldn't be as bad
as your parents!

Huh?
- Yeah.

Oh!

Dropped the turkey.
Dropped the--

I always wondered
where the flavor came from.

- Ooh, no running
on thanksgiving.

- Where am I sitting
today, deb?

- Uh, between my mom
and your mom.

- Got any hard cider?

- Oh, the parade is on.
I love the parade.

What are you doing?
- What?

- You--you turned off
the parade

Just 'cause I said
I loved it?

- That was
a coincidence.

- Change it back.

- No.

- I'm scraping the marshmallows
off the yams.

- Your parents
are a treasure.

- Hey, hey, happy turkey day,
you in-laws.

- Hey there.
- Yes, raymond, thanks again

For the lovely
accommodations.

- The coziest b & b
on long island.

- Think it'll be as cozy
over in europe?

- Oh, I doubt it.

so do I. Yeah.

- So where you keeping
the libations locked up?

It's got to be after 5:00
somewhere in the world.

I'm with you, warren.

Let's get snockered.

- Uh, debra,
let me help you.

- Oh, thanks, mom.
Yeah, right here.

So how's it going?

- Yeah,
how's it going?

- Everything's fine.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm.

- I bet you're real excited

About your trip
to haagen-daagen.

- Ray...

- What?
I'm having a conversation.

I can't talk
to my wife's mother?

- Pumpkin, can I interest you
in an aperitif?

- Oh, that would be
lovely.

- Hey, marie, beer!

- Get it yourself.

- Here you are,
meine liebchen.

- Oh, thank you,
darling. Mwa.

Oh, just the way I like it.
Wunderbar!

- Mom, mom,
that's enough.

- What do you mean,
dear?

- It's enough, okay?
I know.

- What? What's enough?
What do you know? What?

- Uh, no--nothing, marie.
It's private.

- Private?
What do you mean, private?

Hey--private.

- Uh, no, you know what?
Uh, it's nothing, really.

I-I don't know
what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry about that, mom.
Okay, let's all, uh, eat.

- Oh, that sounds like
a good idea, debra.

Everything
looks delicious.

- Good, okay, mom, you sit here.
Dad, you can sit--

- No.

- What?

- I don't want
to do this anymore.

- Warren.
- No,

I don't have anything
to hide.

I'm tired
of these pretensions,

And I'm tired
of this charade.

As it happens, uh,

We're not going
to baden-baden this week.

We're going
to piscataway.

- Hey,
that's funny-sounding.

- Lois and I are going for
a week of marriage counseling.

- Well, it's not
a full week.

So can't we talk
about something else?

- Yeah.
- robert,

Has your stone passed?

- I will never
understand you.

- I'm sorry,
but it's not healthy

To go on pretending
that everything is fine

When it isn't.

- Ma, you want to
put the turkey down?

- No.

- Who are you
to talk about healthy

With your
anal-retentive behavior?

Why don't you
tell everyone

About how you keep
your left socks

In your left drawer

And your right socks
in your right drawer?

- What's wrong with that?

- Maybe dr. Sheely
will have something to say

About all of your
pent-up hostility.

- My hostility?
- That's right.

You ought to see this woman
in traffic.

Curses like a stevedore.

- Well, it's not because
of the traffic, warren.

It's because
of your insane whistling.

- The whistling
drowns out the profanity!

- Well, pucker up, warren,
because here it comes!

- Okay, mom, dad,
please just calm down.

- Why did you tell debra
about this?

- I didn't tell debra.
- Then how did she know?

- Ray heard you.
He was hiding in the garage.

- I wasn't hiding,
all right?

I checked the oil,
okay?

And it's a good thing I did,
because we're a quart low.

- Well, wonderful.

Now everybody knows.

I hope you're happy,
warren.

- Sweet bastard,
I'm getting happy.

- Is everything
all right, dear?

- Oh, he is
just impossible.

- Go on.

- Mo-mom, are you--
- oh, it's--

It's all right, dear.
We're talking.

- I am so tired of my opinion
counting for nothing.

Everything has to be
his way.

I'll swear,
ever since he retired,

It's not like
I'm his wife anymore.

I'm his employee,

And it's all I can do
to keep from strangling him.

- I feel
so close to you.

- Do you know
he makes me iron his jeans?

He insists
that they have a crease.

- At least
he can wear jeans.

I mean, the last time
I got a pair for frank,

It was from
the maternity jeans.

And--and I told him
they were just stretchy.

- Oh, my god.

- Hey, your parents seem to be
doing okay. It's nice.

- It's not nice.

My father just said,
"holy crap."

- What? You always wanted
our parents to get along.

- Yeah, but I didn't want
my parents to convert.

Look at 'em.
- You're right, marie.

Debra could get this rug
a lot cleaner.

- Ohh, frank,
I got to tell you,

I overdid it this year.
Ah.

- You know
what you need, pal?

A pair of my special
stretchy pants.