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♪{\i1} It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪{\i1} Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,230 --> 00:00:11,670
♪{\i1} But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪{\i1} On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,830 --> 00:00:18,240
♪{\i1} Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:21,330
♪{\i1} Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪{\i1} All the things that make us ♪
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♪{\i1} Laugh and cry ♪
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- ♪{\i1} - He's... a...
- Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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{\i1} Good evening. Coming up,
a major Hollywood movie
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{\i1} is set to film in Quahog.
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00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:41,540
{\i1} But first,
whoever recorded me
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{\i1} cursing at
that freeway off-ramp veteran,
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00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,710
{\i1} please don't post that,
all right, seriously.
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{\i1} We all have bad days.
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{\i1}Our top story:
the latest Brad Pitt film
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00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,380
{\i1} will be shot
right here in Quahog.
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{\i1} Pitt will play
former New Jersey governor
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{\i1} Chris Christie.
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00:00:54,940 --> 00:00:57,110
Brad Pitt is playing
Chris Christie?!
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It should be a fat guy
playing that role!
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00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:02,610
Chris Christie didn't eat
10,000 Jersey Mike's subs
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00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:04,710
just to be played
by a Hollywood pretty boy.
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00:01:04,730 --> 00:01:07,800
That's offensive, and I,
for one, will not stand for it.
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00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,790
Although that's mostly
due to cardiovascular disease.
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00:01:10,810 --> 00:01:12,070
I got to sit down.
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00:01:12,220 --> 00:01:14,230
Peter, you know, you've
actually got a valid point.
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Oh, boy. Here comes the soapbox.
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It's shameful Hollywood would
pass over the many talented
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plus-sized actors who are
much more deserving of the role.
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-Name two.
-Jonah Hill?
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00:01:23,470 --> 00:01:24,990
-He's thin now.
-Uh, Fat Albert?
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00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,560
-Not real.
-James Corden?
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He's been canceled
for sending eggs back.
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00:01:28,330 --> 00:01:30,830
Well, it's just another example
of Hollywood's history
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00:01:30,980 --> 00:01:32,480
of exclusionary casting,
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00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:35,410
-whitewashing and thin-washing.
-Exactly.
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Like Mike Myers playing
an Indian man in The Love Guru.
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00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,170
Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans
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00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:42,320
playing White Chicks.
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00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:44,410
Or Mickey Rooney playing
an offensive stereotype
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of an Asian man
in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
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I don't know that movie,
but I like breakfast.
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Oh, come on, you two.
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You're really offended that
one of the biggest movie stars
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on the planet is coming to
our crap town to shoot a movie?
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00:01:56,170 --> 00:01:57,850
I mean, Brad Pitt could put it
anywhere,
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-with any of us.
-Facts.
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00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,780
I mean, when was the last time
a celebrity visited Quahog?
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00:02:02,980 --> 00:02:04,840
-Uh, Jared Fogle.
-Who?
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00:02:04,860 --> 00:02:06,030
The Subway Guy. Remember?
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00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,530
He was here
for a public appearance.
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00:02:07,610 --> 00:02:08,860
Took a shine to Chris
for some reason.
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Took him camping.
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Had these weird candies
he'd only let Chris eat.
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00:02:12,130 --> 00:02:14,370
How come I don't remember
any of this?
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00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,200
Ah, too many video games,
buddy.
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00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:17,780
They're rotting your brains.
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00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,040
Get your hands off me, Jared!
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00:02:20,190 --> 00:02:22,120
You're really gonna complain
about Brad Pitt?
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Who cares what role
he's playing?!
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00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:25,620
Well, that's easy
for you to say, Lois.
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00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,480
Women have no idea
what it's like for us men,
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00:02:28,630 --> 00:02:30,460
being held up to
impossible standards of beauty
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00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:31,600
in the media.
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00:02:31,710 --> 00:02:33,870
Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has
a new movie.
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00:02:33,890 --> 00:02:35,370
Eh! Too old. Next.
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00:02:35,390 --> 00:02:37,040
Peter, I think
you're right to protest.
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00:02:37,060 --> 00:02:38,710
-I'll even join you.
-Thanks, Brian.
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00:02:38,730 --> 00:02:41,470
Sometimes you just got
to stand up for what's right.
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00:02:41,490 --> 00:02:43,490
That's why I stood up
to Kanye West.
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00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,400
Dinosaurs were created
by the Illuminati.
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00:02:46,550 --> 00:02:49,160
The government hides secrets
in SpaghettiOs.
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00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:50,810
And Hitler would've
won Wimbledon
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if he played tennis, bro.
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Sir, sir, sir.
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We do not wear shoes
in this house.
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Thank you. Now please
continue about Wimbledon.
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00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,010
Overweight is overdue!
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00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,180
Overweight is overdue!
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00:03:07,330 --> 00:03:09,180
Wow, I'm impressed, Peter.
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00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:10,850
Yeah, it's going great.
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00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,690
News trucks even showed up
to cover it.
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00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,340
I-I think... I think those
are just food trucks.
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Come on, you know you want some.
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00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,340
Hi, fellas.
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00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,590
Oh, hey. Thanks for coming out
to support us.
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"Dangerous Curves Ahead."
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- Oh...
- Right?
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00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:30,040
Oh, that is good.
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00:03:30,190 --> 00:03:31,930
You get it.
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That... that is clever.
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Am I right?
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That, that's good.
That's good.
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00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:41,770
- Isn't it, though?
- Yeah, yeah.
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00:03:41,790 --> 00:03:44,550
Brian, can you
explain that shirt to me later?
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{\i1} Protesters were on hand today
at the set of
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00:03:50,380 --> 00:03:52,970
{\i1} the new Chris Christie biopic
being filmed in Quahog.
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00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,120
{\i1}They were protesting the casting
of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt
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{\i1} in the lead role
and not a person of heft.
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00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:01,140
Well, Peter, I'm just glad
you're on the news
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00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,550
for something other than sitting
on a hamster at a school event.
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00:04:07,410 --> 00:04:09,130
Hey, they said they weren't
gonna put that!
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00:04:11,140 --> 00:04:12,900
Mr. Griffin, hi.
105
00:04:12,990 --> 00:04:14,750
I'm Josh Universal
from the movie.
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00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:17,310
I'm taking a break
from my horrific cocaine habit
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00:04:17,330 --> 00:04:19,250
to ask you
to sit down with our producers
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00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,500
for a "listening session"
to hear your concerns.
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00:04:22,650 --> 00:04:25,260
And, on an unrelated note,
can I use your bathroom,
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00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:27,410
and does anyone have
a rolled-up bill?
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00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,650
Oh, of course. I got
a special five just for that.
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00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:34,250
All right, let's get
zapped and go see a play!
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00:04:38,850 --> 00:04:40,980
Hmm. That's odd.
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00:04:46,260 --> 00:04:48,510
Mr. Griffin, thank you
for meeting with us.
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00:04:48,530 --> 00:04:49,670
Have a seat.
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00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:51,180
Not on my lap!
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00:04:51,270 --> 00:04:52,770
Sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
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00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:55,460
Peter Griffin,
please meet Brad Pitt.
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00:04:59,350 --> 00:05:01,350
George Clooney's boyfriend?
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00:05:01,370 --> 00:05:04,040
No, no. A few years ago,
he was cast in a marriage.
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00:05:04,190 --> 00:05:05,950
Mr. Griffin,
we've asked you here
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00:05:05,970 --> 00:05:07,620
because we understand
you have an issue
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00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:09,540
with Brad playing the lead role
in our movie.
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00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:13,290
We want to make sure we hear
and ignore all your concerns.
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00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,980
Look, I know Brad Pitt is
a big star and all,
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00:05:16,130 --> 00:05:17,980
but he's playing Chris Christie,
who's a fat guy.
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00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:20,800
It seems unfair that
the role didn't go to a fat guy.
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00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:21,980
It only makes sense.
129
00:05:22,210 --> 00:05:24,320
Don't you think
we should cast the best actor,
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00:05:24,470 --> 00:05:25,640
letting them interpret the role,
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00:05:25,730 --> 00:05:27,490
rather than depending
on physical traits?
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00:05:27,710 --> 00:05:29,990
Not if you're taking the role
away from a fat guy.
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00:05:30,140 --> 00:05:32,900
But, Mr. Griffin, Brad Pitt is
a highly skilled actor
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00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,070
who's won an Oscar and lots
of garbage Golden Globes.
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00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,500
You're not hearing my concerns.
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00:05:37,650 --> 00:05:39,500
You don't know
the challenges fat guys face.
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00:05:39,670 --> 00:05:41,670
What it's like
to have to rock multiple times
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00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:44,230
to get off the couch,
or how it feels to have to poke
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00:05:44,250 --> 00:05:46,010
a new hole in your belt
with a nail,
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00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,080
only to realize
the end no longer
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00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,400
tucks into the little loop,
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00:05:49,490 --> 00:05:50,920
or the shame
of getting thrown out
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00:05:51,070 --> 00:05:52,300
of a strip club for touching.
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00:05:52,410 --> 00:05:54,410
That last thing doesn't seem
like a weight issue.
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00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,170
You sound just like the judge!
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00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:59,080
Look, the casting of this movie
is offensive to fat people,
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00:05:59,170 --> 00:06:01,610
and I won't rest
until it gets shut down.
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00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:04,270
Mr. Griffin, look,
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00:06:04,420 --> 00:06:07,860
what if we made you our
"official fat guy consultant"?
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00:06:08,090 --> 00:06:09,530
Do you think I'm an idiot?
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00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,350
Yes! What if I told you
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00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:14,180
we'll give you a P.A. who will
get you anything you want?
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00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,090
Deal. 20 Happy Meals, please.
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00:06:16,190 --> 00:06:18,260
He's actually Judd Apatow's
nephew Zack.
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00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:19,760
You can't tell him what to do.
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00:06:19,930 --> 00:06:21,270
In fact, you work for him.
157
00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,530
I want you to get me this thing,
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00:06:22,620 --> 00:06:25,050
and I can't remember
what it is or where I saw it.
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00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,090
Wow, I'm gonna learn so much
from his last name.
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00:06:37,410 --> 00:06:39,630
The new season of White Lotus
is weird.
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00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:42,230
Griffins, you are looking at
the Chris Christie movie's
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00:06:42,380 --> 00:06:44,400
official fat guy consultant.
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00:06:44,550 --> 00:06:47,230
Boy, that's a garbage title
if I ever heard one.
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00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:49,240
What? Wait a minute,
so instead of demanding
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00:06:49,460 --> 00:06:51,410
they cast a plus-sized actor,
you caved
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00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,240
when they offered you
a meaningless title?
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00:06:53,390 --> 00:06:55,740
-What about
everything you fought for?
-Don't you see, Brian?
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00:06:55,890 --> 00:06:58,970
Now I can work the system
from the inside with dignity.
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00:06:58,990 --> 00:07:01,530
Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew?
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00:07:02,570 --> 00:07:04,750
Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.
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00:07:05,830 --> 00:07:08,310
Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.
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00:07:08,330 --> 00:07:10,670
What does a fat guy consultant
even do?
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00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:13,320
I'm the personal
weight-gain coach for Brad Pitt.
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00:07:13,410 --> 00:07:15,100
Wou-Would we get to meet him?
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00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:17,170
Sure. My job is
to teach him how to think,
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00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,100
eat and live like a fat guy.
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00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:20,830
So, just like that,
you're giving up?
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00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,100
Brian, I'm a fat guy.
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00:07:22,250 --> 00:07:23,510
I got all fired up
about something,
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00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,480
and now I'm tired
and I'd like some custard.
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00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:33,100
Guys, I'd like you to meet
my new friend Brad Pitt.
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00:07:33,190 --> 00:07:35,600
-Oh, my God!
-Whoa, nice to meet you.
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00:07:35,690 --> 00:07:38,120
-Who's this now?
-He's a very famous actor.
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00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,030
He's like
the white Morris Chestnut.
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00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,940
-Oh, damn!
-Wow!
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00:07:42,030 --> 00:07:44,270
I can't believe I'm sitting here
with Brad Pitt.
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00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:45,610
I've got so many questions.
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00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:48,110
Like, what are the other rules
of Fight Club?
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00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:49,690
Well, the first rule is--
190
00:07:49,780 --> 00:07:51,210
No, I'm clear on the first rule.
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00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:54,030
And I know the second rule is
just repeating the first.
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00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,380
But there's got to be
loads more.
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00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:58,790
Like, I got to think
"no sack attacks" is on there.
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00:07:58,870 --> 00:08:00,050
Hey, Brad.
Any chance I could get
195
00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:01,880
Jennifer Aniston's number
from you?
196
00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:03,140
I know she's got to be
a nightmare,
197
00:08:03,370 --> 00:08:05,700
but she keeps it
so freakin' tight.
198
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:06,720
Okay, enough small talk.
199
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,220
Let's do
what I brought him here for:
200
00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:10,060
to break the Internet
with a group
201
00:08:10,150 --> 00:08:12,820
head-smushed-together selfie.
202
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,990
Kevin Spacey?
Get out of here.
203
00:08:17,220 --> 00:08:19,220
You're not allowed to be
in head-smushed-together photos
204
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:20,330
after what you did.
205
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,050
Not guilty
on all British counts.
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00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:25,540
Oh, that rascal.
207
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,570
Hi, you must be Peter's wife.
I'm Brad.
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00:08:37,070 --> 00:08:40,070
- Oh, I know who you are.
- I'm--
209
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,000
Hi, I'm--
210
00:08:42,020 --> 00:08:43,420
Stewart. Charmed.
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00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:45,240
I know you dump people
when they're 40,
212
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:48,020
but that still gives us
39 good years.
213
00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:50,170
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt.
214
00:08:50,270 --> 00:08:52,340
Um, when you did
that movie Snatch,
215
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,510
did you know
that also means something else?
216
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,180
Because it very much does.
217
00:08:56,270 --> 00:08:58,760
That's a sticky handshake
you got there, Chris.
218
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:00,760
Peter, I was wondering
if I could spend some time
219
00:09:00,780 --> 00:09:03,280
with you and your family,
observing how you live
220
00:09:03,430 --> 00:09:05,710
and how you eat,
to prepare for the role.
221
00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:07,120
Sure, I'd be glad to help.
222
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:09,600
Wow, I ain't had a celebrity
ask me for a favor
223
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,120
since Jeremy Renner asked me
to shovel out his driveway.
224
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:16,030
Uh, Jeremy, in light of
recent events, uh...
225
00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:18,550
could ol' Pete borrow your skis?
226
00:09:21,390 --> 00:09:24,130
Okay, Brad, I'm gonna teach you
to be a fat guy.
227
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,300
For starters,
this is where we eat.
228
00:09:26,450 --> 00:09:29,400
Um, excuse me, Mr. Pitt,
but would you mind
229
00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:31,310
if I FaceTime my friends
with you here?
230
00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:33,720
Oh, my God, they'll go crazy!
231
00:09:33,810 --> 00:09:35,240
Sure, Meg, it'd be my pleasure.
232
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,080
Oh, boy.
233
00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:52,460
Oh, this-this is sad.
234
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:57,420
Oh, this-this is just... Oh...
235
00:09:57,650 --> 00:10:00,000
Why don't I just take this,
dear.
236
00:10:06,250 --> 00:10:08,420
Okay, Brad, now,
another fat guy rule is that
237
00:10:08,510 --> 00:10:10,590
when you're out at restaurants,
always act like
238
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,110
you're on the fence
about dessert.
239
00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:14,330
So, folks, we thinking dessert?
240
00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:16,110
Seriously? You must be joking.
241
00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:19,110
I cannot move.
No, sir. No way.
242
00:10:19,260 --> 00:10:20,860
Absolutely stuffed to the gills.
243
00:10:21,010 --> 00:10:22,260
Gonna have to take a rain check.
244
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,510
Although... No, no,
I can't even suggest it.
245
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,010
We are done. Done-a-roo.
Check, please.
246
00:10:28,030 --> 00:10:29,440
Although... just thinking,
247
00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:31,110
I don't know when
we'll be back here.
248
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,960
I read about
the award-winning pastry chef--
249
00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,780
Wait, what am I saying? No! No.
250
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:36,130
Stop me, please,
someone, please.
251
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,860
Bring the check now.
252
00:10:37,950 --> 00:10:40,120
Okay, you know what, we'll get
one order and we'll all share.
253
00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:42,140
One dessert, one dish,
five spoons.
254
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,700
Whoever wants can have some.
255
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:45,640
One plate. One of everything.
My plate.
256
00:10:45,790 --> 00:10:47,720
One spoon. No share.
257
00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:52,310
Now, Brad, if you're gonna
play a fat guy on camera,
258
00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:55,190
you got to learn
how to do the rope swing.
259
00:10:57,470 --> 00:10:59,190
Okay, let me show you
how it's done.
260
00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:06,810
900,000 views.
261
00:11:06,830 --> 00:11:09,050
-I'm learning so much.
-That's great.
262
00:11:09,150 --> 00:11:11,060
Hey, can you click
on a porn site for me?
263
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:12,570
Otherwise I got to
peck it with my nose
264
00:11:12,730 --> 00:11:14,630
like a tic-tac-toe chicken.
265
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,920
Here you go.
266
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:24,510
Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin.
267
00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:26,090
I love a home-cooked meal.
268
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,830
Well, we are
so happy to have you.
269
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:30,260
-How's Shiloh?
-Who?
270
00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:31,830
-How's Maddox?
-Who?
271
00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:33,500
-How's Zahara?
-Who?
272
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:34,850
-How's Pax?
-Who?
273
00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:36,230
-How's Vivienne?
-Who?
274
00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:37,510
-How's Knox?
-Who?
275
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,360
Ignore her,
she can be so annoying.
276
00:11:39,510 --> 00:11:41,270
Sometimes I wish
I had a private plane
277
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,410
just so I could choke her on it.
278
00:11:47,090 --> 00:11:48,430
Hey, can I get you anything?
279
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,610
Another pork-n-Cheetos sandwich
or a buffalo latte?
280
00:11:51,770 --> 00:11:53,020
I'm good, Peter, thanks.
281
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,450
Brad, you're up!
282
00:11:58,210 --> 00:12:00,290
- Ah!
- Brad? Are you okay?
283
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,030
My back. I threw out my back.
I can't move.
284
00:12:03,050 --> 00:12:04,780
Hey, since you can't
really move right now,
285
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:06,540
this is probably
a good time to ask,
286
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,390
what's Juliette Lewis
really like?
287
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:11,540
Nice. Talented. Professional.
288
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,350
-A little shrill.
-Yeah, a little shrill.
Yeah, that sounds right.
289
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:20,220
I don't think I can walk.
290
00:12:20,290 --> 00:12:22,310
We can't push back our schedule
any more.
291
00:12:22,390 --> 00:12:24,070
If Brad's injured,
what are we gonna do?
292
00:12:24,150 --> 00:12:25,800
We'll need a new Chris Christie.
293
00:12:25,820 --> 00:12:29,200
But who could possibly play
that role on such short notice?
294
00:12:30,730 --> 00:12:31,990
I can play that role.
295
00:12:32,140 --> 00:12:34,230
Griffin,
you're not even an actor.
296
00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:36,820
No, but what I am is
a real fat guy.
297
00:12:36,980 --> 00:12:38,570
Brad Pitt was never
the right choice.
298
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:41,570
This role calls for
real-life fat guy authenticity.
299
00:12:41,650 --> 00:12:43,480
I mean, would Transparent
have been as good
300
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,170
if they just put a guy
in a dress?
301
00:12:45,260 --> 00:12:47,080
Would Neil Patrick Harris
have been as funny
302
00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:48,740
on How I Met Your Mother
if he wasn't
303
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,750
a known heterosexual horndog?
304
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,510
Would Tropic Thunder
have been as authentic
305
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:56,060
if Robert Downey Jr. wasn't
a dignified Black man?
306
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,920
We're in a jam.
What do you think?
307
00:12:59,090 --> 00:13:00,760
I don't think
we have any other choice.
308
00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:03,170
All right, Griffin,
you got the part.
309
00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:05,020
Awesome! I'm gonna
FaceTime my friends.
310
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:06,850
They're gonna be
so excited for me.
311
00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:14,620
Oh, boy.
312
00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:17,620
Oh, this-this is sad.
313
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,630
{\i1} We now return to
a steamy business drama
314
00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:27,880
{\i1} where no one understands
what's happening.
315
00:13:28,030 --> 00:13:30,620
{\i1} Are you saying we should forge
the EBITDA projections
316
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,210
{\i1}- for the quarterlies?
- No.
317
00:13:32,310 --> 00:13:33,640
{\i1} I'm saying
we declare a revenue-miss
318
00:13:33,790 --> 00:13:35,290
{\i1}while issuing additional shares
319
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:37,720
{\i1} based on reduced
capitalization estimates.
320
00:13:37,890 --> 00:13:39,960
{\i1} Jim, you're in grave danger
321
00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:41,560
{\i1} of violating
the Glass-Steagall Act.
322
00:13:41,710 --> 00:13:44,210
They haven't shown a bare ass
in three weeks!
323
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:45,890
{\i1} Show me your ass, Jim.
324
00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:47,140
And I'm back.
325
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,050
Griffins,
you are looking at the new lead
326
00:13:50,140 --> 00:13:51,900
in the Chris Christie movie.
327
00:13:51,980 --> 00:13:54,490
You? Wh-What happened
to Brad Pitt?
328
00:13:54,650 --> 00:13:56,720
It's what I've been saying
all along, Lois.
329
00:13:56,810 --> 00:13:58,060
He can't do what I do.
330
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:00,110
He doesn't bring
the fat guy authenticity.
331
00:14:00,170 --> 00:14:02,230
His sweat doesn't smell
like french fries.
332
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,250
He doesn't bring
the sky-high blood pressure
333
00:14:04,340 --> 00:14:05,900
or the jolting sleep apnea.
334
00:14:05,990 --> 00:14:07,840
I have that gift.
That's why.
335
00:14:07,990 --> 00:14:09,900
Peter, this is ridiculous.
336
00:14:10,070 --> 00:14:11,510
You can't play Chris Christie.
337
00:14:11,660 --> 00:14:13,500
You're not even an actor.
338
00:14:13,570 --> 00:14:14,740
Oh, no?
339
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:18,580
Yes, Lois! Yes! Yes! Oh!
340
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,000
Sound familiar?
341
00:14:20,020 --> 00:14:22,080
-But how do you...?
-Squirt gun full of Ivory.
342
00:14:22,170 --> 00:14:25,530
Sorry, Lunchables, I'm afraid
I've lost my appetite.
343
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,090
Peter, I'm proud of you.
344
00:14:27,090 --> 00:14:28,440
You're actually making
important strides
345
00:14:28,530 --> 00:14:31,010
on behalf of inclusivity
and cultural sensitivity.
346
00:14:31,030 --> 00:14:32,200
Yeah, I'm all for that stuff.
347
00:14:32,370 --> 00:14:33,850
As long as we don't
got to take down
348
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,280
the Confederate statue
in the yard.
349
00:14:35,370 --> 00:14:37,260
That's for history and learning.
350
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:38,710
Even if they did
come in second place
351
00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:40,280
out of two armies in a war.
352
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,430
-So, how'd we do?
-Second place, baby.
353
00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:44,940
Hey, not bad.
354
00:14:45,030 --> 00:14:47,460
Silver medal. Whoo!
355
00:14:51,050 --> 00:14:53,330
Okay, Peter,
so, in this next scene,
356
00:14:53,390 --> 00:14:56,370
Christie would probably struggle
in the heat and sun
357
00:14:56,390 --> 00:14:58,370
on the George Washington Bridge.
358
00:14:58,390 --> 00:15:00,880
You presume to lecture me
what it's like?
359
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,140
How dare you thinsplain to me?
360
00:15:03,290 --> 00:15:05,900
Talk to me
when your BMI is over 35.
361
00:15:06,050 --> 00:15:07,880
Wow, a real live movie set.
362
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:10,050
So cool to be here
for the magic.
363
00:15:10,070 --> 00:15:11,800
Yeah, and look,
there's a child star
364
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:13,070
who's getting an hour of school.
365
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,890
Okay, Billy, now,
what color is this?
366
00:15:15,970 --> 00:15:17,560
-Blue?
-Close enough.
367
00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:18,820
Now get back out there
368
00:15:18,970 --> 00:15:21,640
and be the most distracting
part of any film.
369
00:15:22,900 --> 00:15:24,750
♪{\i1} Making a movie ♪
370
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:28,150
♪{\i1} Not as glamorous as it seems ♪
371
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,650
♪{\i1} Standing around ♪
372
00:15:29,670 --> 00:15:32,150
♪{\i1} For three hours
just to move a light ♪
373
00:15:32,170 --> 00:15:35,700
♪{\i1} Tripping over thick cables
everywhere ♪
374
00:15:35,860 --> 00:15:41,180
♪{\i1} Spending all day shooting
one ten-second scene, yeah ♪
375
00:15:41,330 --> 00:15:45,190
♪{\i1} Waving flies
off the craft service table ♪
376
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,330
♪{\i1} Making a movie ♪
377
00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:51,670
♪{\i1} Way more tedious
than it seems ♪
378
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:55,450
♪{\i1} The most important job
is the editor ♪
379
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:59,450
♪{\i1} Staring at a frame
for 18 hours straight ♪
380
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,700
♪{\i1} Most of them snap
and go crazy ♪
381
00:16:02,790 --> 00:16:07,790
♪{\i1} Even a dumb cartoon like this
takes 18 months ♪
382
00:16:07,950 --> 00:16:12,420
♪{\i1} What are we all doing? ♪
383
00:16:18,290 --> 00:16:20,720
Oh, Peter,
your big movie premiere.
384
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,530
This is so exciting!
385
00:16:22,630 --> 00:16:25,390
Did Dr. Hartman bring a woman
in a coma as his date?
386
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,630
Hey, guys, big night, huh?
See you in there.
387
00:16:30,710 --> 00:16:33,970
Oh, God, here come those
mindless entertainment reporters
388
00:16:33,990 --> 00:16:35,900
who only want to know,
"Who are you wearing?"
389
00:16:35,990 --> 00:16:37,720
-Stewie!
-Stewie.
-Over here, Stewie.
390
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,220
How do you respond to those
who accuse your show
391
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,240
of trafficking in
decades of misogyny,
392
00:16:42,390 --> 00:16:45,060
homophobia and racially
insensitive stereotyping?
393
00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:47,650
Uh... Thom Browne, thank you.
394
00:16:47,670 --> 00:16:49,000
Go, Brian. Go, go, go, go, go.
395
00:16:49,230 --> 00:16:51,750
And here's the star of the film,
Peter Griffin.
396
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,340
What are you wearing tonight,
Peter?
397
00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:56,160
Well, Tom, the shirt is actually
two shirts sewn together.
398
00:16:56,180 --> 00:16:58,510
The jacket is stolen
from a steak house maître d',
399
00:16:58,660 --> 00:17:00,240
and the pants are a towel.
400
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,760
You know, I hear you were
quite the prankster on set.
401
00:17:02,910 --> 00:17:03,920
Well, it wasn't so much pranks
402
00:17:04,020 --> 00:17:05,260
as yelling
and shouting at women.
403
00:17:05,410 --> 00:17:06,760
Yeah, a lot of 'em aren't here
tonight.
404
00:17:06,910 --> 00:17:09,260
They're doing some town hall
meeting with Gloria Allred.
405
00:17:09,420 --> 00:17:11,150
Ah, we'll see what happens.
406
00:17:16,350 --> 00:17:17,590
The after-party's at a Panera
407
00:17:17,610 --> 00:17:20,200
that's still open
to normal customers.
408
00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:24,020
Thank you all for coming.
409
00:17:24,190 --> 00:17:26,260
- Giggity.
- It was a lot of hard work.
410
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,210
- Giggity.
- And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike,
411
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:32,360
we were unable to write
a third joke for this speech.
412
00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:35,940
-Hey!
-Ow!
413
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,230
That's your father's movie
up there.
414
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,940
Pay attention, you dope.
415
00:17:46,390 --> 00:17:47,450
Repeat after me.
416
00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:50,290
-I's am governor.
-I's am governor.
417
00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:52,960
-Youse are not.
-Youse are not.
418
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,640
Big Pussy didn't deserve
to die like that
419
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:56,900
in The Sopranos.
420
00:17:57,050 --> 00:17:58,480
But he was a freakin' rat!
421
00:17:58,570 --> 00:18:00,980
Congratulations, you are
the governor of New Jersey.
422
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:03,230
Now let's all root
for the Jets and the Mets
423
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,990
like the idiots we are.
424
00:18:14,330 --> 00:18:17,320
Lord, please protect us
from this coming hurricane.
425
00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:20,170
It's bad enough you gave me
the same first and last name.
426
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:22,820
Please don't let me be killed
by a Sandy.
427
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:26,660
The fellas at the Y would never
let me hear the end of it. Amen.
428
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,330
Oh, Chris, you're dying.
429
00:18:33,420 --> 00:18:35,830
Don't remember me like this.
430
00:18:35,930 --> 00:18:37,940
Remember me stuffed
like a sausage
431
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,780
into that NYPD softball uniform.
432
00:18:40,930 --> 00:18:43,930
♪{\i1} But I would walk 500 miles ♪
433
00:18:43,950 --> 00:18:47,410
♪{\i1} And I would walk 500. ♪
434
00:18:48,620 --> 00:18:50,440
Hey, that was terrific.
435
00:18:50,460 --> 00:18:52,960
Oh, what an achievement.
436
00:18:53,110 --> 00:18:54,540
You really did it, buddy.
437
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:56,520
What are you guys
talking about? I stunk.
438
00:18:56,610 --> 00:18:57,610
I can't act at all.
439
00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:59,010
No...
440
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,190
You were, uh,
very believably fat.
441
00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:03,950
Didn't you notice half the time
442
00:19:03,970 --> 00:19:05,300
I was staring
right into the camera?
443
00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:08,050
They had to use peanut butter
to get me on my mark.
444
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,220
Yeah, but you've done
a great thing
445
00:19:09,370 --> 00:19:11,220
for authenticity
and inclusivity.
446
00:19:11,370 --> 00:19:12,550
I don't even know
what those words mean,
447
00:19:12,650 --> 00:19:14,890
I just like to see your tail wag
when you say 'em.
448
00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:17,480
Peter, you're giving
the marginalized a voice.
449
00:19:17,710 --> 00:19:18,890
How are they marginalized?
450
00:19:18,990 --> 00:19:21,140
The whole country's full
of dumb, fat.
451
00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:24,570
Now more than ever, we need
authenticity and inclusivity.
452
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,830
No, Brian.
What we need is good actors.
453
00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:28,720
I don't care if they're Black,
white, tall,
454
00:19:28,740 --> 00:19:30,000
short, thin, fat.
455
00:19:30,150 --> 00:19:31,500
Gay, straight--
you forgot those ones.
456
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,830
Look, I-I admit
I thought acting was easy.
457
00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:36,000
And maybe I was blinded
by all the praise I got
458
00:19:36,230 --> 00:19:37,730
from Harvey Weinstein.
459
00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:40,730
Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn't
had clout for like six years.
460
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:43,080
Oh, boy. Then I may have done
some things I'll regret.
461
00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:46,240
I don't know, I guess,
as a fat guy, I-I got offended
462
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:48,420
that Chris Christie wasn't
played by a fat guy.
463
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,850
But turns out it just needed
to be a good actor.
464
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,000
Maybe we should all
spend less time judging
465
00:19:53,020 --> 00:19:54,260
and more time enjoying
466
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,250
what different actors
bring to different roles.
467
00:19:56,380 --> 00:19:58,670
That's the magic
of movies and TV.
468
00:19:58,770 --> 00:20:00,100
And stepson porn.
469
00:20:00,270 --> 00:20:02,590
Chris, you don't have
to join every conversation.
470
00:20:05,110 --> 00:20:06,270
Okay, look, look, I understand
471
00:20:06,430 --> 00:20:08,350
not everyone will agree
on this issue,
472
00:20:08,370 --> 00:20:10,370
but let's discuss it
in a civilized manner
473
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,960
by making death threats
from our individual homes
474
00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:14,710
to one another on the Internet.
475
00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:20,550
Right back at you, buddy.
476
00:20:26,450 --> 00:20:29,220
Well, I'm sorry your movie
didn't go over well, Peter.
477
00:20:29,450 --> 00:20:30,950
Yeah, the money was good,
but I got tired of
478
00:20:30,970 --> 00:20:32,060
all the one-night stands.
479
00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:33,060
-What?
-Huh?
480
00:20:33,210 --> 00:20:34,640
Sorry, my ears have been clogged
481
00:20:34,790 --> 00:20:36,710
since I made out with that guy
from the film crew.
482
00:20:36,730 --> 00:20:37,880
-What?
-Huh?
483
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:39,140
Well, I got to say, Bri,
484
00:20:39,290 --> 00:20:40,230
it might not have worked out
for Dad,
485
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:42,720
but I sure got bit
by the acting bug.
486
00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:43,980
Really? You want to be an actor?
487
00:20:44,150 --> 00:20:46,630
Oh, yeah. I'd be great
in Streetcar.
488
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:50,240
Stella! Stella!
489
00:20:50,390 --> 00:20:51,730
What?!
490
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,040
Is Aidan home?
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