Original subtitles

- Hey.

According to this, we can afford a car phone.

- No, no car phone. - Why?

Why do you fight technology?

- Oh, I'm against technology? - Yeah.

- Yeah. Who introduced you to the wonder bra?

- Well, a man that radical

Should welcome a simple car phone.

- Why? So you can just talk to your friends

Wherever you go?

Look, just sweat it out

'cause soon the phone's going to be a little chip

And you can just have it implanted in your head.

- Well, good. I can't wait.

- Yeah, you'd love that.

I got a call coming, yeah. Hi, linda.

How are you? Yeah.

Oh, my other line, I got to put you on hold.

Julie! Hi, julie, yeah.

Oh, linda's right here. No, I'll put you on conference,

Don't go anywhere. Yeah, how are you guys, huh?

Whoa, hold on, guys, I'm getting a fax.

Hi, I'm ray,

And I live here in long island

With my wife, debra.

She's great with the kids,

The house, everything.

Oh, I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter, ally,

And twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right,

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family

Would go by on a conveyer belt for you,

But mine would, because--

- Everybody loves raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All three kids asleep.

Huh?

You thought I couldn't get ally to take a nap.

- Aw, good job, honey. - Yeah.

By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.

- Would you look at this great big stain here?

That carpet guy swore up and down

That he could get it out.

- Look, I don't want to hear about stains, all right?

The kids are asleep; the house is quiet.

Now it's quality time.

Just me and you.

- You better be looking at jewelry ads.

- Oh!

Your father has finally done it.

- What's that, buckle his pants?

- I wish.

That man has been sitting in front of the tv

Every day for 45 years.

"get me this; get me that.

You're clipping them too short."

That ingrate can't stop hounding me for five minutes!

Ooh. That's interesting.

- Yeah, uh, we've seen the stain.

- Oh, you know, debra, with something like a spill,

I find it best to wipe it up the day it happens.

- Marie--

Where's my sandwich?

- Where?

Exactly where you threw it-- in the garbage.

- Where it belonged, because it was no good!

I said I wanted a tuna salad sandwich!

- And like a jerk, I made it for you!

- Hey, the kids--

- No! No, you didn't!

That was not tuna salad.

It had no celery in it!

- Oh, so once I forgot the celery.

So what? - So what?

So it's not tuna salad!

It had no bite! It had no crunch!

- Oh, poor you.

- Yeah, poor me.

Raymond, what is it

That makes tuna salad tuna salad?

Come on!

- It's the celery, the celery.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh!

It's the celery that makes tuna salad tuna salad!

What you gave me was tuna slop!

- I put in mayo.

I put in dill.

I put in pepper.

I mashed it, I mixed it, I spread it,

And you have the nerve to say "slop" to me?

- Yes.

Slop to you. - Oh!

- Slop to you! - Oh.

- He was on the debate team. - Oh.

Now the kids are-- all right, I'll go.

- I'd like to get them. - No, no, no!

- Can I get them?

- This is a nuthouse.

I'll come back when it's calmer.

Let's go, marie.

- I'm not coming.

- But I'm still hungry.

- Well, I'm still not coming.

Chop your own damn celery.

- Fine!

Who needs you?

I'll do it myself!

Where are the knives?

- Never mind! I'll use my razor.

- Oh, thank god they're gone.

Hmm.

- They?

- They. The twins. Gone back to sleep.

- Gone down. - And yeah.

- Did you want me to go?

- No, no, of course not, marie.

- Good, because I'm not going back to that house.

- Right. Until you cool off.

- No, I've had it.

I'm staying here.

- Right. Till dinner time.

- I don't want dinner.

Maybe I'll be hungry in the morning.

- She doesn't eat much.

- What do you think she's doing up there?

- You hear that?

- No. I don't hear anything.

- That's the sound of all our clothes being refolded.

- Boy, she doesn't stop.

How did you survive growing up with her?

- I spent a lot of time pretending to be asleep.

- I think she's coming.

- You know, dear, your clothes are a disaster.

You know, those wire hangers crease everything.

Oh. Sorry.

- Oh, look, he's up.

- Oh.

- Mm. Hi. Hi.

- Where's your iron?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Marie, you don't have to iron our clothes.

- Well, you never know

When relatives are going to come barging in.

- Ah, that's true.

- Like maybe there's a big occasion,

And the house is filled with relatives.

- Like what? What occasion, ma?

- I don't know. Birth. Graduation.

Christmas. Death.

- All my favorites.

- I'm serious.

I mean, god forbid if someone should die,

I mean, what--

If you were to die, debra,

Everyone would be here.

And imagine them up in that messy closet

Trying to pick out something for you to wear.

- Ma--

- And then afterwards, they'll want to take clothes,

So your drawers should be very neat

So they can look through and see what they like.

- So how will she die?

- Oh.

No, the thing is, you want to be remembered

As a beautiful, clean person.

- Anything she cooks for me, you're tasting first, okay?

- Don't worry. She'll be gone soon, all right?

My father can't last alone much longer.

- Well, why don't you go in there

And give her a little nudge?

- Is it really our business?

- Ray, she's in there chiseling my headstone.

- I just can't tell her to leave.

She--you know what she'll do? She'll give me the look.

- "the look." - yeah.

- Well, it's either that

Or walk across the street and see your dad.

- I'll try mom.

- Isn't this funny?

I can't find one without spots.

- Look, ma, I got to tell you something.

- Yes, dear?

- I'm going for a walk.

- Dad, can I come in?

- You may enter!

- Listen, dad--

What, is your tv broken?

- Of course not.

Look. See?

I taped down the scan button.

Now when I'm flipping channels, I don't have to move.

- That's good.

Well, why don't you tape your eyelids open,

And then you'll never miss anything.

- That's silly.

- All right, listen, dad. We got to talk.

- All right. Sit down.

First I want you to try something.

I was someplace today I haven't been in 30 years.

Guess where I went.

- The barber.

- Uh--

Close.

I went to the supermarket!

- Oh.

- Yeah, I want you to taste

This great new thing they have now.

It's called salsa.

- I've had salsa, dad.

- No kidding? - Yeah, yeah.

- I bet you never put it on a chip.

- Yeah, even on a chip. I know, it's good.

- Good?

It's genius.

And the woman in the supermarket was giving it away,

No charge.

- That's called a sample, dad.

- I must've had 50 of them.

No, this woman, she was great.

She had on a big sombrero.

She's sitting on a plastic burro.

Hey, I'll take you to see her.

Oh, yippee.

Listen, dad, about mom. You can't just--

- Forget mom.

Look at me.

This is the real me!

I can do what I want--

When I want--

And how I want it!

I'm a free man!

Can you imagine what that feels like?

- It's better if I don't.

- Look, like tonight.

No more women's entertainment.

No "emma."

No "sense and sensibility."

No "howard's end."

No, look.

I've got the complete works of arnold schwarzenegger--

Except the one where he gets pregnant.

- Dad, come on, listen to me.

- What? What?

- You can't just stay-- you--

Oh, god, what can I say? Look at you.

- Yeah, you're having a good time.

All right, good.

Good for you, dad.

- You want to join me later?

- Oh, I might have to.

- It's the perfect evening:

"terminator 2" and salsa.

"you'll be back."

- What are you doing here without frank?

Where's frank?

- Right now he's probably taping the toilet handle down

So he never has to flush.

- Isn't he coming to get her?

- I was thinking that my mother should probably spend

A little more time here.

- Oh, what happened?

Didn't you talk to him?

- I tried!

I tried, but I--

I think I pushed a little too hard,

'cause I let him have it, and then he threw me out.

- You're lying.

- All right, how do you always know?

No. How do you know?

What, does my nose get longer?

- I don't think that's possible.

- Look, I-I couldn't say anything.

He's happy.

I've never seen him like this.

It's like he's been paroled from the marriage prison.

The one some guys think they're in.

- Well, look, if you can't tell your father,

Then I'm telling your mother

She's got to go home right now,

'cause I can't take this anymore.

- The look.

- Uh, marie--

- Yeah.

- Marie, can I tell you something?

- Anything, dear.

- I'm going for a walk.

- Yeah, not so easy.

- Don't!

- You thought you-- - no, no, no.

Don't!

- Ray?

- Debra, you've been gone a half hour.

I'm all alone here.

Well, what are you doing over there?

- I'll be home later, ray.

I'm going to stay for dinner.

Yeah.

- More salsa?

- Ooh. Gracias, senor.

Yes, we are actually having a nice time.

And I could use a break from your mother too.

Bye-bye!

Are you ready for the surprise?

- Mmm. I'm starved.

- Okay.

Here it is.

Ole.

- Ooh.

A dinner of eggs.

- Ahh--

But not just any eggs.

Eggs with salsa on them.

They're called huevos rancheros.

- Oh-ho.

- This dish is going to sweep the nation.

Yes, sir.

Fill your face, I made mucho.

- Mmm.

Thank you.

That's really sweet of you, frank.

hmm. I can be sweet.

It takes people time to discover that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I spray you a little?

- That's okay.

- Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

- Hi, robert.

- Where's mom?

- Mom who?

- What's debra doing here?

And I came over to be with frank for a while.

- Where do I go?

- Wherever you want.

Live your life!

- That's mom's chair.

- Mom, all three kids asleep?

How'd you do that?

- What, is it hard?

I cuddled them.

I read a story. I sang.

You forget I'm a mother?

- How could I?

Listen, ma, about dad--

- No, I'm not talking to him until he apologizes.

- Yeah, but don't you think you should at least--

Hey, what's the steak for?

- My son.

- And you left the fat on?

Debra--debra always cuts the fat off.

- On steak pizzaiola?

What, do I look insane?

- Steak pizzaiola?

Real steak pizzaiola with the cheese on the top?

- Of course. A thick layer.

Why? Debra doesn't use cheese?

- Nope. No.

She cooks for health.

- What could be healthier for you than the food you love?

Huh?

- Thank you, doctor.

- Look here.

I made a pecan pie.

- Oh...

Oh, man.

- Go ahead; go take a nap.

I'll call you when it's ready.

Ooh, you want some milk to tide you over?

- Okay. - Okay, sit down.

Okay, I got, um, skim and whole in here.

- I'll take whole.

- Oh--you want some chocolate in it?

- Okay.

- Okay.

I'll have some too.

- I found you.

- Oh, robbie, sit down.

We're having chocolate milk. You want some?

- Okay.

- Oh, I love taking good care of my boys.

- I like a lot of chocolate.

- Okay.

- Brilliant, huh?

- When does it stop?

- When it gets to something good.

- Do we have to flip the channels so much?

I'm getting a migraine.

- You get used to it.

Look at me.

- It's off now, frank.

- All right, yeah. Let's take a break.

Uh, I could use another shot of ice cream.

Marie usually warms up the fudge a little.

- Then maybe you should ask marie to do it.

- She's not here.

- Ah, and why do you think that is?

- Well, she's, uh--

- What, frank?

- She's-- she's--

- What?

- A woman.

- Ah.

Could--could I tell you a couple things about women?

- Oh, brother.

- See, um--

A woman wants to be nurturing, hmm?

She wants to be giving,

But, you know, if there's no acknowledgment,

No reciprocation,

Well, it can lead to hurt feelings

And even resentment.

- Okay.

Don't warm the fudge.

- All right, I'm going to make this simple.

I'm leaving now.

And you're going to be on your own.

And just remember, frank,

The supermarket can be a very lonely place.

There isn't always going to be some lady on a plastic donkey

To make you feel better.

You know, you don't even realize how much you need marie.

- Because I don't.

- Don't you see?

I mean, you've got the perfect marriage.

You need fudge,

And she needs to warm it up for you.

- Well, if that's true,

Why doesn't she just come back over here?

- Maybe she's tired, frank.

I mean, I've only been here for three hours,

And I need a nap.

- I got the couch.

- Look, frank, I am begging you.

Just--just go over and apologize to her.

She just wants to be appreciated.

No woman wants to be the mommy all the time.

- Who wants more cereal?

Ooh.

- Hey--a prize.

Lucky me.

- Why lucky you?

Who said it's yours?

- It was in my bowl.

- Well, actually, it's my bowl,

'cause it's my house.

So lucky me.

- Hey, come on.

- You got it the last time.

- That was 30 years ago.

- Relax, all right?

I may not even want it.

You can have it if I don't want it.

A submarine powered by baking soda.

Want it.

- No way.

- I don't think I ever got that one.

- You got everything. - Did not.

- Give it.

- Get out of here. You can't make me.

- Can too.

- Come on, I taught you boys to share.

I told you--oh!

I taught you to share!

- Ah!

- No, robbie. Oh, no, no, no.

- Ah!

- Oh, be careful of your eyes!

Oh, my goodness.

- Oh, you're home.

- Just do what I do, robert.

Tell him you're tired, and he'll climb off.

- Are you happy?

Smashed.

- Why can't you boys play nice?

- He started it.

- Did not. - Did too.

- Did not! - Did too!

Listen, ma-- - did not!

- You have to go home now.

- Me? Why? What have I done?

- Well, look at me.

I'm--I'm a grown man, ma, okay?

I have kids of my own.

Look, if you want to baby somebody,

Go baby dad.

- He needs you, marie.

- He needs me?

Not until he crawls over here

And apologizes on his hands and knees

Am I going back to that tuna hell!

- Don't you see, ma?

It's where you belong.

- Hi.

Marie, I'm going to the store.

You want to walk along?

- Oh, you apologized!

- I'm not apologizing.

I just ran out of salsa.

- Salsa?

When did we ever use salsa?

- A lot's changed since you've been gone.

- So you want to tell me what happened, ray?

- I would, but I'm a little dizzy.

So how did you get my father to come over?

- Oh, I just explained to him what women need,

And he understood.

- No. Really. - I don't know.

You know, for whatever reason that relationship works,

I don't think we should examine it too closely.

- Yeah, if only that was possible.

- Yeah.

I can't believe you and robert, wrestling like that.

What got into you two?

- I don't know.

It was stupid. I know it was stupid.

- Actually, it seemed kind of fun.

Ah!

- Oh--

Too slow.

- There she is.

Lucky me.

- Why lucky you?

- Hey, come on.