All language subtitles for [SubtitleTools.com] Mallrats 1995 1080p BluRay x265 HEVC 10bit AAC 5.1 Tigole-English

One time, my cousin Walter
got this cat stuck in his ass.

True story. He bought it at our local mall
so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.

It was embarrassing
for my relatives and all.

But the next week,
he did it again.

Different cat, same results, complete
with another trip to the emergency room.

So I run into him a week later in the
mall and he's buying another cat.

And I says to him, "Jesus,
Walt, what are you doing?

"You know you're just going to get
this cat stuck in your ass, too.

"Why don't you knock it off?"

And he said to me, "Brodie,
how the hell else

"am I supposed
to get the gerbil out?"

My cousin was a weird guy.

Brandi Svenning, come on down.
I'm taking your ass to Florida.

Let's go. Where's your luggage? Come
on, the plane leaves in an hour.

T.S., did you see
Julie Dwyer last night?

Yeah, saw her
at the video store.

She was talking about being on
your dad's stupid game show.

Oh, my God, he's not here, is he?
Yeah, he's inside.

T.S., did you tell her that every time
you're on TV, you look 10 pounds heavier?

Yeah, well, I told her that the
way TV shows are shot sometimes

makes you look a lot fatter
than you are in real life.

Why, what did she do,
call up and cancel?

No, not exactly.

T.S., you know that Julie had a
huge weight problem in school.

She had the fattest ass.

And when you said that to her

she went straight out to the
YMCA and started doing laps.

It's because she wanted to
be fit for the show tonight

and well

in the middle of her 700th lap

this embolism popped in her
brain and she dropped dead.

Right in mid-backstroke.

She's fucking dead?

Then her sister told her parents
why she was doing all the laps

and it got back
to my father and...

Shit, T.S., he's
really pissed at you.

I mean, it's awful
about Julie's death

and now, he doesn't even have a
female contestant for his show.

Well, can't you calm him down
or something?

Well, I've done that.

Thank God. How? I told
him I'd do the show.

Good. What?

Wait a minute. No.
We're leaving for Florida.

T.S., I can't go,
I've got to stay here.

No, I've got something
planned for Florida.

No, we've gotta go.

But, T.S., I'm doing this to get
you out of trouble with my father.

Help him out of a bind, which,
you know, you kind of...

Well, at least
a little responsible for.

I bet he's as happy as a pig in shit
that you're not going away with me.

Are you kidding? He's absolutely
devastated about Julie.

I can't believe you!
Brandi, the guy hates me.

You know, I bet he sees this tragedy
as an excellent opportunity

as a way to keep you
from going away with me.

Would you calm down? I mean,
you're being a complete ass.

Sometimes, I almost forget that
you're such a daddy's girl.

It makes me sick.

Well, you know
what I think is sick?

This relationship.

Come on, I thought we weren't
going to go through this

make-up, break-up shit anymore.

Yeah, well, you can just
forget about making up.

You know, you are exactly
like my father.

It's always about what you
need, what you've got planned

screw everybody else,
my shit is more important.

You're as thoughtless
and self-absorbed as he is.

In fact, the two of you
have so much in common

I think you should date
each other.

Brandi, wait.

Sweet fucking Christ,
would you knock it off?

God!
What?

What time is it?
9:30.

Man, go back to sleep!

Thank Christ.

What the hell are you doing?
Finishing my game.

No. You promised me breakfast.
Breakfast!

Breakfast, shmeckfast. Look
at the score, for God's sake.

I'm only in the middle of the
second and I'm winning 12 to 2.

Breakfasts come and go, Rene.

Now Hartford, the Whale?

They only beat Vancouver once,
maybe twice, in a lifetime.

You hit the bathroom already?

Don't worry. I didn't let
your mother see me.

Who's worried?
Are you kidding me?

I've never met a person who lives in
as much fear of his mother as you do.

I do not.

So that's why
I have to sneak in here

after everyone's asleep at night and
sneak out undetected in the morning?

You want I should tell my mother
what we do in here at night?

That you play videogames and
I fall asleep unfulfilled?

Go ahead. It beats
the sneaking-around shit.

What can I say?
She doesn't like you.

You've never even
introduced me to her.

Yeah, 'cause you're always in the
goddamned bathroom, all right?

What the hell do you do
in there all the time?

You really want to know?

I asked, didn't I? I'm playing
the role of the concerned guy.

I cry.

You cry?
I cry.

Any particular reason?

Hey-

I think about the people that make
decisions that affect our lives.

The doctors who make
advancements in curing diseases.

The engineer
that designs skyscrapers.

The guy that maps out a plane's
flight path. The navigator.

I think about how those people
are out there every day

making a difference,
leading big lives

and how they refuse to be intimidated by
the tremendous odds of failure they face.

And how they only concern themselves
with peers and company that apply

to their goals and noble causes.

Jesus! I'd hate to tell you what I
think about when I'm in the bathroom.

I think about all that and I cry

because I have nothing better
to do than fuck you.

You're dumping me?

Is this because I didn't
introduce you to my mother?

You're a fickle broad.

Holy shit!
If it isn't mon frère.

Usual vault rules apply: touch
not, lest ye be touched.

You're such
an anal-retentive bastard.

I tried to teach you how to handle
comics in the sixth grade, but no

you wanted to play
Little League instead.

What's that? Like it? I framed
it before you got here.

Oh, my God!
Rene dumped you!

Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned for Sega.

Wow! Look at this laundry list
of complaints.

You have no direction, no college
ambition, no job prospects.

Yeah. It also says
I have no dick.

But you'll notice that follows the
financial question, proving once more

what women really look for.

Wow, she calls you callow in here.
You say that like it's bad.

It means frightened and weak-willed.
Really?

Shit. That was the only part of the
letter I thought was complimentary.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter
filled with obscure adjectives.

What are you telling me here?

I, too, now am
in the framing business.

Holy shit!
Brandi dumped you.

Wait a second, aren't you two
supposed to go to Florida?

Should've left this morning.
It gets worse.

I was gonna propose to her.
Where?

On the Universal tour.
You're kidding! What part?

When Jaws pops out of the water.

That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.

Too bad I'm not trying
to marry you.

Let me ask you something. Did
you ever fart in front of her?

Why do you ask?

I never farted in front of
Rene, not once, all right?

Then last week I let one slip.
Today she dumps me.

You think that that's why
Rene dumped you?

She's not
the shallow type, Brodie.

She was going down
on me at the time.

Shut up! What can I say? I
was feeling very relaxed.

When I'm relaxed, I squirt.

If all she did was dump
you, you got off light.

I can't believe this shit.

Why are we sitting here
trying to figure out

where we went wrong
with our significant others?

We just nailed it, in your case.

No, there is something out there that can
help ease our simultaneous double loss.

Ritual suicide? No, you idiot.
The fucking mall!

I prefer ritual suicide.

Come on, man! It'll be great. They got
these new cookies at the cookie stand.

You have to try them,
they're awesome.

I love the smell of commerce
in the morning!

You're really making that last.
Waste not, want not.

What, you want to say something?
About a million things

but I can't express myself monosyllabically
enough for you to understand them all.

Asshole!
Prick!

Fuck you! What the hell
was that all about?

He's a jerk from Fashionable Male, this
upscale wannabe shop on the 2nd floor.

He's the manager. The guy's
always giving me shit.

I've no idea why. I thought
everybody loved you at this mall.

"F" him! Where do you want to go first?
Back to Brandi's.

Look, Brandi is the past, my friend.
She's behind you now.

You face forward, or you face the
possibility of shock and damage.

You should learn
to heed your own advice.

Where the hell did that come from?
What's going on here?

It looks like a stage
is being erected.

What is this monstrosity? Maybe
it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.

Impossible! The Easter Bunny Court is
down at the other end of the mall.

It's been up since two days after
Christmas. I want answers.

Ask one of the workers.

No, there's a soul
who might know what's up.

Willam.

Willam!
Poopie trim.

Brodie, man, what's going on?

What, do you work here now? No, man.
Just hanging with T.S.

Willam, what
exactly are you doing?

Looking for the hidden picture.

If you stare at these things long
enough, you're supposed to see

some kind of hidden
three-dimensional picture.

Oh, yeah, look. It's a sailboat.
You saw it, too? Dammit!

What? I've been
staring at this thing

for a week now from opening till closing
and I can't see a goddamned thing!

You gotta relax your eyes. Everyone
sees this thing except me.

Today's my day. I brought
a lunch and a soda

and I'm not gonna leave until I see this
sailboat everyone keeps talking about.

So, Willam,

would you happen to know what
this stage business is all about?

It's not a stage!

I'm gonna see it
if I have to go blind trying.

No man, this stage over here.

That thing? I think some
game show in the mall today.

I think it's going to be on TV. It's
called Truth or Date or something.

Oh, my God! That's Brandi's
father's game show.

What is it? It's this cheesy
Dating Game rip-off thing.

Supposed to be for college kids.

Just trying to capture the '90s youth
market with a staple of '70s television.

Why can't they bring back
or remake good shows

like BJ and the Bear?

Now there's a concept I can't get
enough of: a man and his monkey.

Would you guys shut up?

You're breaking my concentration.
Sorry, Willam.

Now I have to start
all over again.

Good luck with that thing.
Remember, relax your eyes.

Wow, a sailboat!
Shut up!

Could this week get any worse?

Now she's going to be auctioned
off on live TV from a mall.

Not "a" mall, all right? "The" mall.
Show some respect.

It doesn't have to go down like
that, if we trash the thing.

There's a unique way of getting
back in her good graces,

by ruining her father's show.

You're a clever one. I can
get someone to do it for us.

We'll be blame-free and Brandi
won't be able to do the show.

Who is this imaginary hatchet man?
Hatchet men.

Knock it off!

Kitty, kitty, kitty!

Kitty, kitty, kitty!
Hey, Jay!

Brodie, man!
Nootchy nootchies!

And look at this shit.
The mad, fat, chick-killer.

I can't believe how fast
word travels in this town.

Excellent. What's he doing?

Shithead here watched
Empire and Jedi last week

and ever since, he's been trying
to do the Jedi mind trick.

Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit
with his thoughts. Knock it off!

The Force is strong with this one.
Dude, don't encourage him.

So I was telling T.S. here we
gotta find Jay and Silent Bob.

If there's anyone
that can help us out

it's the two guys that have
even less to do than us.

What is this shit? Everyone's
looking for us today.

We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to
talk to Obi-Wan about her video set-up.

Why him? Silent Bob's
an electrical genius.

He won the science fair in eighth
grade by turning his mom's vibrator

into a CD player,
using chicken wire and shit.

Motherfucker's like MacGyver. No,
motherfucker's better than MacGyver!

Knock it off!

And it's that kind of smarts
we need, right, mopey?

Leave me out of this.

We need you to embark on a little sabotage
mission on behalf of T.S.'s love life.

You know about this game show
thing they've got going on here?

We need you guys to somehow
ensure that it doesn't happen.

Is that it? We were gonna
do that anyway.

Really? Why?
What else are we gonna do?

Silent Bob just stole the schematic of
the stage from some foolish carpenter

and found a weakness, just
like the fucking Death Star.

He figures if you
pull this crossbeam out

fucking bickety-bam, the whole
stage comes crashing down.

We were thinking
about something simple,

but if you want to destroy the
stage, we're all for that.

Only problem is LaFours.
Who's LaFours?

You don't know who LaFours is?
They don't know who LaFours is!

He's only the most feared security
guard in the business, man.

460 collars, all convicted. I
hear he's even got two kills.

Holy shit! I never thought
I'd see the day

when two such highly reputable
mischief-makers as yourselves

douse their drawers at the sight
of a mall security guard.

Shit, bitch! We're gonna bust out
that stage like a high-school kegger.

We're just gonna
outwit LaFours, X-Men style.

Should I call you Logan,
Weapon X?

No, Wolverine!
Snicky, snicky, snoine.

What he's doing is imitating Wolverine's
berserker attack with his Adamantium claws.

I never would have guessed. All
right, guys. You have your mission,

go forth and wreak havoc.
Bye, baby kitties.

Damn, Silent Bob,
show some heart.

Pss, pss, pss.

That's better.
We're on the job.

Thanks.

I have to admit I'm shocked you
didn't try to dissuade them.

I would if I actually thought for
a second they could pull it off.

Ye of little faith,
want a cookie?

What's he doing?

If you stare at this poster for a few
seconds, a hidden picture appears.

Can we do it? Please?

All right, go ahead, but hurry,

the Easter Bunny's waiting.

Wow, it's a schooner!

You dumb bastard! It's not a
schooner, it's a sailboat.

A schooner is a sailboat,
stupidhead.

You know what?
There is no Easter Bunny!

Over there is just
a guy in a suit!

But they're engaged. It doesn't
matter, it can't happen.

Why not?
It's bound to come up.

It's impossible. Lois could
never have Superman's baby.

Do you think her fallopian
tubes can handle his sperm?

I guarantee he blows a load like a
shotgun, right through her back.

What about her womb?

Do you think it's strong
enough to carry his child?

Sure. Why not?

He's an alien,
for Christ's sake!

His Kryptonian biological makeup
is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun.

If Lois gets a tan, the kid could
kick right through her stomach.

Only someone like Wonder Woman has a
strong enough uterus to carry his kid.

The only way he could bang regular
chicks is with a Kryptonite condom.

But that would kill him.

How did I go from the verge of
hot Floridian sex with Brandi

to Man of Steel coital debates
with you in the food court?

Cookie stand is not part of the food court.
Of course it is.

The food court is downstairs,
the cookie stand is upstairs.

It's not like we're talking
quantum physics here.

The cookie stand counts as an eatery,
the eatery's a part of the food court.

Bullshit. Eateries that operate within
the designated square downstairs

qualify as food court.

Anything outside
of said designated square

is considered an autonomous
unit for mid-mall snacking.

Now if you're gonna wax
intellectual about the subject...

Holy shit!

Wait here.
Where are you going?

Cherchez la femme.

That would look terrible on you.

Didn't I dump your ass
this morning?

Look, I know you've had some time to
think about the mistake you've made

and I just want to let you know
you don't have to apologize.

I'm sure you were just PMSing
or something.

Brodie, what kills me about you
is your inability to function

on the same plane of
existence as the rest of us.

Piss off.

Okay. I see you want to continue with
this charade of ending our union.

Fine, I'll play along.

But if we're divorced, we're gonna
have to divide our mutual possessions.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You have
my Punisher War Journal ♪6,

my copy of Fletch and the
remote control to my TV.

I know it's gonna be hard to give this stuff
up because of its sentimental attachment.

Sentimental attachment?

If I have any of that crap,

it's because you brought it over
to my house and left it there.

Okay, then let's talk about coming up
with a schedule for visitation rights.

For what?
For the mall.

I figure you can have the odd days,
I'll take the even days and weekends.

When there's any special function
like a sidewalk sale, boat show...

Brodie. Brodie!

I have always taken you
with a grain of salt.

On your birthday, when you
asked me to do a striptease

to the theme from Mighty
Mouse, I said okay.

When we were at that hotel,
prom night

and you asked me to sleep
underneath the bed

in case your mother burst in,
I did it.

And even when we were
at my grandmother's funeral

when you told
most of my relatives

that you could see her nipples through
her burial dress, I let it slide.

If you think that I'm gonna suffer
any more of your shit with a smile

now that we're broken up, you're in for
some serious fucking disappointment.

What?

Phase one: First, you
take a run at LaFours

with a sock full of quarters.

I'd do it, but I pulled my back out
humping your mom last night. Nudge.

You clock him on his headpiece
and knock his ass out cold.

That's when phase two kicks in.

I attack the structure Wolvie-berserk
style and knock out the fucking pin

and bickety-bam, the motherfucker's rubble.
Hence, no game show.

What? Do you know
that kid or something?

I hope his pants get caught
and a bloodbath ensues.

What is with you today?

Don't get me wrong.
I don't wish the kid harm,

but his mother should suffer
that horrific ordeal

so she'll learn
how to manage her child.

That's sort of a harsh
lesson, don't you think?

There's not a year goes by that I don't
read about an escalator accident

involving some bastard kid that
could've been easily avoided

had some parent,
I don't care which one,

but some parent, conditioned him

to fear and respect
that escalator!

Wow! Look who it is.

Jerk!

Little Tricia Jones! What's
a pretty girl like you

doing sitting alone in the middle
of this monument to consumerism?

Updating my calendar and waiting
for Jay and Silent Bob.

And I suppose you're here
with no agenda, as per usual.

On the contrary,
I'm here for comics.

T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones.
They call her Trish the Dish.

Nobody calls me that.

Our little Tricia here is only
15 but somehow she's a senior.

How'd you manage that?

Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.
Yeah, right.

So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S.
or what?

Jesus, Brodie!

Calm clown. Tricia's compiling
data for this book she's writing

about the sex drive of men
ages 14 to 30.

If I remember correctly,

it's titled Bore-gasm: A Study of
the '90s Male 's Sexual Prowess.

Ready to get sick? Tell him
about the advance you got.

Pendant Publishing gave me $20,000 based
on a treatment and a sample chapter.

You're kidding.
It's true.

She'll be the youngest author
to tackle the subject.

So Tricia here sleeps with a
bunch of guys as research.

If that's not enough, get this:

She videotapes all of them.
What?

I get everybody's consent before we do it.
Most guys get off on it.

Men are easily amused.

What are you
writing in the calendar?

I was coding
last night's research.

She means sex.
I know what she meant.

What kind of codes?
Here, look.

The smiley face is for
when I go down on the guy.

The smiley face with lashes is for
when the guy goes down on me.

The circle is for
when we have sex.

The circle with the "X" in it
is for when I have an orgasm.

The little house is when we do it
inside and the grass is for outside.

That kid is back
on the escalator again!

How old was last night's subject,
if you don't mind me asking?

Twenty-five. It was the guy who
runs that store Fashionable Male.

Holy shit! You slept
with that asshole? Why?

I needed a 25-year-old.

And he has quite a distaste
for you, I might add.

He mentioned me during sex?
Afterwards.

He says he wants to kick your ass. I'd
steer clear of him, if I were you.

Tell me you videotaped
him saying that. No.

I shut the camera off
after the sex.

You should have heard the
stuff he wanted to do.

I'm having a hard time
with this.

Do your parents know about this?
Of course.

That's remarkable.
That's criminal. That kid...

That kid is back
on the escalator again!

Leave it alone.
What?

So, I heard you were going to propose
to Brandi Svenning in some theme park.

When are men going to learn
that women want romance?

Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Be fair, all right?

Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
We gotta go.

Remember my offer.

I'm young, virile, sensitive
to a woman's needs...

Somehow I doubt it, Sega-boy.

Good luck
with the comic-book store.

"Sega-boy." God,
Rene's got a big mouth!

What does that mean, "Good luck
with the comic-book store"?

How does that junior Masters and
Johnson know about my proposal?

It's not like she's in an
exclusive club or anything.

What are you talking about?

Sean Hartle's giving everyone
the inside scoop.

What? What's he saying?

How her father made her do the game show
so you couldn't take her to Florida.

Now, what the hell is this shit?

What do you got to do to get
comics around this place?

One side, Red.

What the hell's going on here?
I was warned about you.

Take it easy before I have
you removed... Warned?

What the fuck are you talking about?
Tell him, Steve Dave.

Fuck you, fan-boy!

Would you testosterone-seething,
He-Man comic book fans

finish up with this tough-guy
back-and-forth?

I got some questions I need answered.
Look, who's in there?

You got to ask me nicely.
Fuck this.

Jesus Christ!

Get the hell off of him.
Come on.

You fuckers think just 'cause a guy
reads comics he can't start some shit?

I'll fucking take all of you on!

Somebody get a medic!

There's a little boy
caught in the escalator!

Come back here
and arrest this goon!

You're fucking next, man.
Jesus, Brodie!

I'm not going anywhere until I find
out why I can't get my comics.

All right.

Excuse me.
Don't hit me.

Why is there a line?
Stan Lee is signing comics.

Stan Lee?

Okay, Lunchbox,
let's try this again.

We tie you to the roof, you
jump and sail like a Spitfire

passing right over
the arch-nemesis LaFours.

You then swing up to the stage
and knock out the pin.

And when that's gone, the stage is
trashed and we go smoke a bowl.

You got it? Now,
get your fat ass out there!

And, dude, don't forget your helmet.
Snoogins.

Fly, fat-ass, fly!

What the fuck?

You fucker!

Security? ls it alive?

Yeah.
This is Popular Girl.

We just had something crash
through the wall.

Stan Lee! How does something
as big as the creator

of the most important titles
in comics history

coming to my mall get by me? I
must be slipping in my old age.

The name amongst names.

There's a million questions
I'd love to ask him.

Her father!

I knew this game show thing was just a
beard for an attempt to break us up.

Why can't he just leave us alone and
let us follow through with our plans?

What kind of man
are you, anyway?

I'm talking comics and you
bring up chicks and romance?

While we're on the subject, why the hell
do you want to get married now, anyway?

You're still in college.
I was just gonna propose.

The wedding wouldn't be
till after we graduate.

Waste of time, if you ask me.

My grandmother always said,
"Why buy the cow

"when you get the sex
for free?"

She did?
All the time.

Of course, she became a
lesbian on her 60th birthday,

but that's beside the point.

Where the hell are these
two going in such a hurry?

Is he gone? Halfway to
Buy Me Toys by now.

Damn, that bastard's faster
than Walt Flanagan's dog.

What's with all the running?

What the hell happened to him?

The human brown-eye here
is a walking calamity.

We'll have to take a pass on
the stage-trashing business,

otherwise he's liable
to kill himself.

Sorry, bro.
No hard feelings.

Isn't that Rene?

She's probably looking for me.
I better go talk to her.

I don't know.
She's with somebody.

Wait a minute, isn't that... The
asshole from Fashionable Male!

Son of a bitch! My God!
You think that they're...

Could be. It'll explain
why he hates me so much.

And there's only one way
to find out.

Can you run interference
with the lug?

What are you gonna do?
Get some answers.

You work at the Fashionable
Male, don't you?

Yeah? so?

That's a great store
you got there.

Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend my
lunch hour with my lady friend here.

So why don't you beat it?

That's your girlfriend?
Right there?

If you don't stop gawking at me and get
the hell out of here, I'll kick your ass.

Haven't you ever heard the phrase,
"The customer's always right"?

Let me tell you a little secret:

The customer's always
an asshole!

Jesus Christ! What the hell
gives with the cover boy?

None of your damn business. He'd
kick your ass if he knew about this.

Are you insane? The guy
looks like a date rapist!

Is that my jacket?
Start the elevator.

Not until you tell me what the situation
is with you and the Sperminator out there.

How long has this been going on?

Since I finally mustered the
good sense to send you packing.

He's a much more suitable
companion than you, any day.

Are you nuts?

The guy's pure testosterone! He's a
walking hard-on, looking for a hole!

I need testosterone after babysitting
you and your comic book collection.

I forgot
what real men were like.

I can't believe you have the nerve
to come to my mall and pick up guys!

No, Shannon did the picking up.

He's already taken me to lunch
at the Cheese Haus

purchased tickets for the opera
night and took me to stores I like!

I took you shopping
all the time!

You took me
where you went shopping, jerk!

Do you think I care

what rat-hole store in that
shit-pit you call the dirt mall

has got
the latest Godzilla bootlegs?

You call eating pizza in the same
dive pizzeria every night eating out?

Do I give a shit when two major comic
labels are crossing over characters

and selling two editions of the
book in varied-ink chromium covers?

I'm a girl, damn it!

I want to do girly things like fix someone's
hair and get romantic phone calls.

I call you all the time!

"Rene, my mom's asleep. Come
over." You call that romantic?

When was the last time you pulled out
my chair or told me I was beautiful?

This guy does all this
in the span of a day!

This guy already introduced me
to his mother.

Really?

He was up and at work
by 9:00 this morning.

Unlike my ex-boyfriend,
who would sleep until 1:00,

'cause he played Sega and
watched videos all night long!

Which, by the way, has enormous
effect on your libido.

Now you attack my libido?

There's no libido to attack.
No libido to attack?

You're sure you saw her get on, right?
Maybe she was getting off.

Ow .

Sorry.
It's all right.

There, that was romantic, right?

Passionate, yeah.

No, Brodie.
That was too little, too late.

Too little?

You said it was a good size.

The effort, you retard. The
effort was too little, too late.

But now that you mention it, when
a girl says it's a good size

it's a nice way of saying
that it's small.

Hey!

I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch.
No, forget about him.

He just wanted to give me something that
he forgot to give me a long time ago.

He's harmless now. Okay?

Fine. I gotta get back
to the store. Let's go.

Right there in the elevator?

I don't know what came over me.
She challenged my libido.

I felt obligated to defend
myself against her accusations.

It's not like
you still wanted her.

Not in the least.
I'm over her.

- Holy shit! You really love that girl.
- Year, right.

No, I never noticed it before, but
she really fuels your engine.

You have this new glow
about you.

I don't have a glow.

You do. You're glowing.

If I have a glow
it's because just I got laid.

I'd look the same if I banged anyone in
that elevator, present company excluded.

Deny it all you want. I think you're
too proud to admit you want her back.

Deny it all you want. I think you're
too proud to admit you want her back.

I suddenly want something
very bad to happen to you.

What is your problem?
I don't understand.

Gwen! I'm sorry.
You fucker!

See! That's what you get
for fucking with me.

Hey, Gwen, he didn't really
mean to hit you.

He's got a funny way of showing it,
by elbowing me in my frigging tit!

Why the hell are you glowing?

I'm not glowing.

Brandi dumped him.

Would you stop saying that?

I know. I heard.
You heard? How?

She told me. I ran into her
a few minutes ago.

Really? Where?
By the stage.

Do you want me to rub it?

Work with me, people, would you please?
No, I don't want this here.

I want it toward the front.
The rug keeps popping up.

If I put the podium there,
it'll stay down.

Move it!

Mr. Svenning!
Give me the podium!

You put the podium down
over here...

Like this.

You stamp the carpet down with your feet.
You speak English?

Like this.

Mr. Svenning!
Let me help you up.

Get off! Move!
Here, let me help you.

All right, where's Brandi?
Let go of me!

Where's Brandi?

You're fired.
You get the hell out of here.

Get off my set!

Where is she?

You are out of her life.

Now, you stay out of her business
and mine, understand me?

Come on, people.
Are we working here?

Get the backdrop ready.
Are those lights ready to go?

Okay, Mr. Svenning.
Excuse me.

Go on the other side

and put the podium over the
bad spot in the carpet, okay?

The hole? Please. Go. Now.

So, you made her dump me

and now you're going to
auction her off

in an effort to better
further your own career?

Not that
it's any of your concern,

but Brandi agreed
to be on Truth or Date.

After that shit you pulled last night, I
think she's even looking forward to it.

It'll give her a chance
to find herself a decent guy.

Somebody with a brain.

You admit it? You are
behind our break-up.

Admit it?

Hell, I'm as proud of it as I
am of this game show here.

Listen to me.
It's over between you two.

The sooner you get that, the
better off we're all gonna be.

Understand me? You don't.

Guard, come here.
Get this guy off of my set.

If he gives you any shit, you have
my permission to castrate him.

You can't do this!

I just did.

Get me LaFours.
Right away, sir.

Well, go on!

How about these?

Very sexy.
That sounded convincing.

I'm preoccupied.

T.S., she told you. She's just
doing it as a favor to her father.

Regardless.

It's not like she'll fuck
the guy on public access.

She might as well.
You're overreacting again.

That's why your relationships fail.
It's certainly why ours did.

You got bent out of shape the same way
over that costume party in high school.

You fucked Rick Derris
on a pool table!

With everyone watching, no less.
It was a costume party, T.S.

No one could tell it was me.

Besides, who else but you
remembers shit like that?

I would've been a sexy chick.

Do you remember
that costume party?

Might that have been the one where you
banged Rick Derris on the pool table?

Nobody remembers shit like that?

How is it that you recall
the most trivial events?

I'll never forget it. How many chances do
you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?

Didn't I look just like
Burt Reynolds?

Except for the moustache.

You know, they have a whole room
you're supposed to do that in?

Some pervert wanted to
see me naked so badly today

he busted in on me twice
while I was trying on stuff.

This saves him the effort.

How much longer are we gonna be
in this chick store, anyway?

I'm starting to get
a mean hard-on.

Brodie, Tell me about
the Rene break-up.

I threw her away
like a parking ticket.

Don't front, Brodie. I talked
to Rene's cousin this morning.

It was vice-versa. They certainly
aren't acting broken up.

Go ahead.
Ask him about the elevator.

Tell me about the elevator.
It goes up and down.

Rene seems so coarse, anyway.
What was it like to date her?

Ever slept with somebody?
Uh, yeah.

I mean,
really slept with somebody.

Beside them, not just fuck
them on a gaming table.

We slept together one time,
remember, in high school?

That ski trip?
That was you?

Yes, Brodie, I've slept beside
many people. All right.

You know how when someone lays
with their back to you

and you lay behind them really close
and you throw one arm over them?

It's called spooning.

But you gotta put
the other arm somewhere.

You can either lay on it or just
shove it in between your bodies.

The only other option is
to stretch it above your head.

But sometimes my arm pops out of the
socket when I'm sleeping like that.

So, I was constantly searching
for someplace to keep my arm

while still laying close to her.

And?

What do you mean, "And"? That's like a
metaphor for our whole relationship.

I'm all out. I'll meet you
at the food court.

I know exactly how he feels.
Excuse me.

Fill this with Coke, no ice.

Want a sip of my soda?

Smartass ex-boyfriend.

I got two things to tell you.
One: I don't like you.

I see you every week
in this mall.

I don't like
shiftless layabouts.

You're one of these
fucking loser mallrat kids.

You don't come here to work or
shop, you hang out all day.

Act like you fucking live here.

I have no respect for people
with no shopping agenda.

Is this what's known as
motivated salesmanship?

Rene told me to leave you alone,
but she's fucking clueless.

Now, you see, Bruce,

I like to pick up girls on the rebound
from a disappointing relationship.

They're more vulnerable, they're
in much more need of solace

and they're fairly
open to suggestion.

And I use that suggestion to fuck
them someplace very uncomfortable.

What,
like the back of a Volkswagen?

No, like somewhere girls dread.

Did we ever get along?
Once or twice.

How come we went out as long as we did?
You had cable.

So, are you gonna stay
for the show?

Absolutely not. As soon as
he gets back here, I'm gone.

T.S. Quint. Where's your
sense of chivalry?

Oh, my God! ls that Brodie?

You're fucking kidding?
The Easter Bunny did this?

All I said was the Easter Bunny

at the Menlo Park mall
was more convincing.

He just jumped the railing
and knocked me down.

He's fucking dead! Let it go.
He's under a lot of pressure.

What the hell happened to him?

The guy in the Easter Bunny
suit kicked his ass.

I had it coming.

Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
What really happened?

The proprietor of Fashionable Male
beat a rain check into my stomach.

Shannon Hamilton?
You know that guy?

I went out with him
after we dated.

He tried to screw me somewhere
very uncomfortable once.

What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Sounds like his M.O.

Can you get up?
Am I still glowing?

You're barely breathing. Was
Rene involved in any of this?

This was an independent act
of aggression.

He told me that his intentions
were to penetrate my ex-girlfriend

in the most notorious of body cavities.
Sounds just like him.

You better tell Rene. Let him
do whatever the hell he wants.

If she's not smart enough to see him for
what he is, she deserves the discomfort.

I, on the other hand, have had just about
all the discomfort I can stand for a day.

Shit, I'm late. I gotta go.

You're just gonna leave
with him in this condition?

I gotta split.
You gonna be okay?

Couple of pins in the hip,
I'll be good as new.

That's my boy.
Bye, guys. Be good.

Women, always leaving you when you've
just had the crap kicked out of you.

You look like you're gonna live to me.
You stay here.

I gotta hit the bathroom.

Please, don't say "hit!"

All right, honey.

Don't forget to look for
your Easter eggs on Sunday.

Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.

All right, who's next?
It's hot in this goddamn suit!

Hey, guys. Wait in line
like everybody else.

What the hell is this?
This is for Brodie.

He's here.

What?
Him and Brodie.

Don't sweat it, though.
He's leaving.

He seems really broken up
over this whole thing.

Maybe because we're
broken up for good this time.

I remember when I dumped T.S. I was all
right with it till he started dating you.

A little jealousy residue?
I thought so at first.

Then I realized
it was more than that.

When I saw how he was with you,

how well you two
complemented each other,

it finally hit me that
T.S. is a great catch.

Gwen, you were always cheating on him.
Capricious youth?

Doesn't mean
I wasn't regretful about it.

Jesus, Gwen. The last thing
I need at this point

is a lecture on my love life.

All I'm saying is that the really
good guys are few and far between.

In fact,
I haven't met one since T.S.

Even if I did meet one, I guarantee I'd
use him as the basis for my comparison.

You can have him
if you want him.

Believe me,
I might consider trying

if he weren't so hung up on you.

Well, I gotta get home.

Have a great show.
Okay. Bye.

Chocolate-covered pretzel?

This is Roddy,
Mr. Svenning's assistant.

Mr. Svenning would like to
have a word with you.

Where? These are melting.
Copy that. By the stage.

Tell him I'll be there
in a minute.

What do you think?
I don't trust it.

Maybe he's calmed down a little bit.
We'll talk reasonably.

Reasonably, shmeasonably. You should
go over there and give him shit.

You kidding? I'm trying
to marry his daughter.

All right, so you can't scream
at him, but after all he's done

you should still kind of stick it to him.
How do you propose I do that?

You stink-palm him.
Stink-palm?

Take your hand and you stick
it in your ass like this.

You've been walking all day
and you're also nervous

and no doubt
you're sweaty as hell.

You should see yourself
right now.

A man with his hand
in his pants.

I probably look like my old man.

Now you shake hands
with the guy.

"Hey, Mr. Svenning. How've
you been?" What's the point?

Know how long it takes
for that smell to come off?

Scrub all you like, it'll stick
around for at least two days.

How does he explain it
to his colleagues and family?

They'll think he doesn't know
how to wipe his ass properly.

Meanwhile, you yourself are left
with a hand that smells like shit?

Small price to pay for the
smiting of one's enemies.

I think I'll pass.
Do me a favor.

Stay here while
I go talk to him.

I assure you, tonight's program
will go off without a hitch.

I hope so, Jared, for your sake.

You picked a dangerous mall
to host a game show in.

I hear the Easter Bunny
was accosted this morning.

If there's anything even
remotely resembling

the trouble you had
at the Governor's Ball,

you're gonna be
hosting the Lotto drawing

on public access
the rest of your career.

Gentlemen, please trust me.

I have just taken
the necessary precautions

to insure everything
will go smoothly.

Nothing to worry about.
Sound test!

I tell you what. Why don't...

Why don't I meet you back here
around show time?

Somebody said
you wanted to see me?

Quint,

I accept the fact that you
no doubt fucked my daughter.

The two of you

have been dating long enough for you to
have slimed your way into her panties

and I'm sure you did just that
at least once or twice

in my own house,
probably while I was at home.

Brandi has a bright future.

She is an extremely
intelligent and capable girl.

And I'm sure that one day she'll
be even more successful than me.

Maybe.

But you...

You, on the other hand,
have absolutely no ambition.

And no chance of making it
in the real world.

My daughter is too good for you.

You will never,
ever be with her.

If there isn't anything else...

Hey, fellas!

Well, well, well,
if it isn't my neighbor.

Mr. Svenning, how have you...

Damn! Would you feel that
iron-grip handshake!

Like Burt Reynolds and shit.

So, what's going on here?

T.S. and I were just discussing
a few of his lesser points.

Of which he does have many.

Hey! Look at that ring.
What is that?

That is my junior-college class ring.
Cum laude, '69.

I also hope to come loud
one day, preferably in a 69.

Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?

They're a little melty, but,
damn, are they exquisite.

If I remember correctly,
you're a big pretzel fan.

Dark chocolate?
Yeah!

Come on!
No, please, no!

They're awesome. Here you go.

Thank you.

That's good. Very nice.

Being a man who believes in

"one good turn
deserves another"...

I have something

to offer

the both of you.

Really, what's that?

What is this?
These are called handcuffs.

Once I realized you two
were in the mall,

I decided to set up
this little ambush

to remove

you and your sidekick here from
the premises, permanently.

Why am I his sidekick? How do
you know he's not my sidekick?

You're nothing
but a lot of talk and a badge.

Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob!
Please!

Hurry!
Did somebody call your name?

I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait here, okay?

Hey, anything for you, babe.
It's your day.

Thanks.

I'll tell you, what you need
is a fatty-boombatty blunt.

Then I guarantee you see
a sailboat

an ocean, and maybe even some of them
big-titted mermaids doing lesbian shit.

Look at me, look at me,
you sloppy bitch!

Dude, you're a mad chick magnet!

T.S., Brodie, security guards.

Under arrest, they need help!
Go!

Wow. A sailboat.

Brenda?
Dick!

This is illegal! You can't
arrest us for nothing!

All right.

I believe when Mr. LaFours
turns us over to the police

the bag of contraband that
he's "found" on our persons

will give them more than enough
reason to keep us locked up.

At least for the duration of this evening's
show. Isn't that right, Mr. LaFours?

Come, son of Jor-El!
Kneel before Zod!

Snootchy bootchies!

Vulcan nerve pinch?
That was close.

What about that stink-palm back there?
He even licked his hand.

We gotta disappear, man.
They'll be looking for us.

Thank you, man. We owe you one.
You want to hide?

I know just the place.
Whatever. Let's just go.

Don't I even get to
wash my hand first?

What the shit are we gonna do?

Come on, we're fucked! They're
right behind us. Come on!

Yeah! Bad-ass! Yeah!

Where do you get those
wonderful toys?

This is where we're hiding out?

This is the dirt mall!

Cops never come in here. Neither
does any self-respecting consumer.

I never could figure out
what you saw in this place.

Good buys. Great people.
Earthy aromas.

- Hey, Walt!
- Brodie!

They know me here. I wouldn't
be too proud of that.

Listen to the sound of
defeat in your voice.

Might it have to do with the
fact that I've been defeated?

Man, you're giving up? You?

You used to be a stand-up kind of guy.
What happened to that guy?

The guy who punched Amanda Gross' mother
after she called him “low-class."

That wasn't me, that was you.
Oh, yeah.

It wasn't her mother,
it was her grandmother.

No wonder the bitch
went down so fast.

You should have boards in them.
All right? Bloody savage.

That is one of your more
admirably deplorable traits.

You, unlike me, would beat
up somebody's grandmother

or an entire senior citizens' community
if you believed in the principle.

But only if they
were really old.

Maybe I was deluded.

Maybe you were right
this morning

when you said if something stupid
could change how she feels

she's not into it
in the first place.

You'd listen to me?
To something I said?

Jesus! Haven't I made it clear
during the tenure of our friendship

that I don't know shit?

I mean, half the time I'm
just talking out of my ass.

Or sticking my hand in it.

Sometimes, but on occasion you've been
known to let a nugget of truth slip out.

This morning might have been
one of those occasions.

You know what you need?

Some sage-like advice.

You've given me enough
for one day, thanks.

Not from me, from Ivannah.
Who's Ivannah?

I can't even find the words.
Is that ingenuity or what?

What's palm-reading have to do
with being topless?

It makes the news
easier to take.

She could tell me
I'll die in 10 minutes

so long as she told me topless.

Your maleness amazes me sometimes.
What can I say? I love tits.

What kind of people patronize this service?
People like us.

Wait a minute,
you're not suggesting...

Don't be such
a damn fundamentalist.

I've already reached my lowest.
This is where I draw the line.

You used to like tits, too.

I love tits as much as the next guy,
but why pay some old hag good money

for supernatural chicanery coupled with
sagging, wrinkled, weathered boobs?

Man, this place is
something out of Octopussy.

You've come for
a glimpse at your future?

Amongst other things.

Talents like those I possess
are not to be taken lightly.

If you have heart condition,
suffer from nervous nausea

or have a family history
of stress-induced breakdown...

Empire Entertainment
recommends you do not partake

in the fortune-telling
activities contained within.

You guys still in?

We're both healthy
and strapping young men.

You give me $58.60.

What?

You expect me to pay for this? I'm broke.
I'll pay you back.

I knew it. I can't believe you.
I didn't even want to do this.

You'll thank me later.

Thank you.

All right, gentlemen,
free your mind.

I'd like to free something.

Focus.
That's what I was thinking.

She said "focus."
Whatever.

I sense a grave disturbance
between you both.

A difficulty in affecting
a resolution

for a problem.

Something hard.

I'm convinced. She's got the gift.
Try to contain yourself.

Miss, I appreciate the effort and
I'm sure you're very good at

whatever it is you do,

but my shallow friend isn't interested in
his future, so you can cut the theatrics.

What a relief. I do so much better when I
don't have to say things in character.

You don't have to
say anything at all.

You paid,
I should tell you something.

In order to do that

I have to work completely

unfettered.

Oh, yes.

I can definitely sense
the problem. Here.

Girl trouble.

Apparently, you're both on the outs
with your respective steadies.

That's amazing.
That's disgusting!

You both feel the pain

of loss.

But only one of you
makes it vocal.

The other one suffers silently.

My God, you're right.
We gotta go.

How can this be resolved?

I would say, yes,

combine your efforts.

That's what I see.

Let me tell you what I see...
That's great!

I don't buy her power.
All right, when's my birthday?

Between the first and the last

of October.

Did you hear that?
Very haunting. Let's go.

Why are you stuck here in this dirt mall
and not in an upscale commercial setting?

You could be raking in the dough
with your kind cf accuracy.

Believe it or not, some people still
frown on topless fortune-telling.

Unfortunately, it's the only
way that I'm effective.

Really? It's the third
nipple that does it.

You have a third nipple?

What are you talking about?

It's clear as day!
Look at it, for God's sake.

You can stare at it.
I don't mind.

Understanding is reached

only after confrontation.

Of course!

Thank you so much. I can't tell
you how informative you've been.

Thank you very much.

And don't ever lose that nipple.
I won't.

Do you have...
Any other extra body parts?

No.
Just curious.

You could double-check me,
if you like.

Really? T.S.: Come on!

Works every time.

You're gonna what?

I'll get on her dad's show.
Are you kidding?

Last time he had dope planted on us.
What will he do this time?

He can't touch us once it starts.
It's a live feed.

He can't risk losing face
in front of the network execs.

It can't happen.
I'll make it happen.

"Understanding is reached
only after confrontation."

That's what Ivannah said. Brandi
will respond to confrontation.

Hey, weren't you the guy that
broke up with Brandi Svenning?

What the hell's
your problem, anyway?

You're supposed to be the impetuous
one, not me. Why are you fighting me?

I'm being rational!

You're scared you may want to
follow my lead and win Rene back!

Rene who?
Whatever. Just do me a favor.

Meet me by the stage
once the show starts.

I'll need your help.
Where are you going?

Shopping. What the hell
am I supposed to do?

Dude, this looks like your mom.

I've been looking all over for you two.
We're hiding.

In a bookstore?

Last place anyone'd look
for me and this tubby bitch.

I need your help.
What?

You two up for getting stoned?
Look who you're asking.

You looking at that
couple inside?

Actually, I was just looking at
this little pink number over here.

That's kind of nice.
They look happy, don't they?

What, the bras? No, the couple.
They look happy.

I guess, as far as couples go.

You know, it reminds me of an
issue of Spider-Man I did.

When Peter Parker and Gwen
Stacy went lingerie shopping.

Of course,
the Green Goblin showed up

and he pumpkin-bombed
the hell out of the place.

But aside from that, it's
pretty much the same thing.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

Aren't you...
Stan Lee. Hi.

What's up, boys? You guys on this show?
That's the rumor.

Man, between hoping to win,
the crowd out there

and being on TV, I'd be scared
as hell if I were you two.

Yeah? Sure, man.
What if you fuck up?

Your friends
and family watching.

I'd be piss scared I'd get a boner
or fucking fart or something.

He's got a point, man. This is live.
Anything could happen.

Shut the fuck up, man.
You're making me nervous.

There's only one thing
that could take off that edge.

Make you feel relaxed as hell.

Make you forget how many people are
staring at you here and on TV.

And what's that?

Snootchy-bootchy nootchies!

The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards.
Can his whole body stretch?

I mean every part, you know, like his...
I know what you mean.

We never really tackled stuff
like that in the old days.

What with the comic-book code
and all.

I can't believe I'm standing
here talking to you!

You're responsible for the greats.
Let's do the list. Spider-Man?

Guilty.
The Incredible Hulk?

Afraid so.
This is so cool.

The X-Men?
Now that you mention it.

Shit, man. You are a god!

Hey, look at that couple.

Boy, they sure seem to
be in love, huh?

What's with that?
That's the second time

you've commented on
couples in love.

Well, I like that sort of thing.

Tell me, do you
have a girlfriend, Brodie?

Had one. We just broke up.

The Thing? ls his dork made of orange
rock like the rest of his body?

It's a superhero secret.

Tell me, Brodie. Why did you
and your girlfriend break up?

She was a pain in the ass. She wanted
me to be this typical boyfriend guy.

She said I was too into my
own world of comics and all.

I can relate.

There was a time when it was
all about comics for me.

I had a girl,
probably the same as yours.

She always complained that I spent
too much time with my own comics.

And eventually we broke up.
See, what did she know?

Here you are now,
a legend in the field.

You had a slew of women
since her, right?

Lots of women.

Jagger and me, we had a running
contest to see who had the most.

Matter of fact, last time I
looked, I was way ahead.

Damn, that's hot!
But I never forgot that girl.

Did you ever get back
together with her?

One day I found out
she got married.

I had blown it.
I had missed my window.

No way.

What'd you do?

I went on with my life.

I created some
special new superheroes.

They were characters that reflected
my own heartbreak and my own regrets.

How so?

Doctor Doom wears body armor to
conceal his own mangled form.

Right?
Yeah.

That was me beneath the armor.

The Hulk.

A normal guy one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.

Just like me when I thought
about what I'd given up.

So you created each character as a way
to deal with your one big regret.

Yeah, the girl that got away. Look,
do yourself a favor, Brodie.

Don't wait.

Because all the money,
all the women

even all the comic books
in the world

they can't substitute for
that one person.

I don't know. All the comics in the world?
Trust me, true believer.

Well, good talking to you.
Keep up all the good work.

You keep reading 'em,
I'll keep writing 'em.

Hey, Stan!
Yeah?

She really meant
that much to you?

Brodie, I'd give it all up,
all of it

for just one more day with her.

Take care.

Stan!
Hi!

I think he bought it. What kind
of story did you give him?

It was the Vulture's
soliloquy, you know,

from the Spider-Man
anniversary issue.

"Love Be a Vulture Tonight."
Yeah.

I can't thank you enough, Mr.
Lee. Forget it.

You know, I think you ought to
get him some help.

He seems to be really hung up
on superheroes' sex organs.

But he'll outgrow it.

I think I felt it move.

Just kidding.

Just the two I'm looking for.
I need help. With what?

Let me borrow the Shannon
Hamilton tape. Why?

It's important! The future of
my relationship depends on it.

It's at my house. Take T.S.'s
station wagon, parked in 2D.

I don't even have a license.
Just go!

You still got that
stage schematic?

I need you to wire
something together for me.

Jesus.
What's with him?

I don't know. I'm suddenly
not feeling too well.

But everything is fine.

We're about to start.

You are in for something really
special tonight, gentlemen.

I have lined up...

Excuse me.
Jesus.

Sorry.

I have lined up some
really bright kids here.

This promises to be
a lot of fun.

I'm sure you're gonna love it.

Shouldn't you be
in bed or something?

No. I wouldn't miss this
for the world.

Make sure everybody's ready
and let's start.

How much did you smoke?

All it took was a fat chronic blunt.
These guys were lightweights.

How much do I owe you?
My treat.

As long as you promise, next
time you pop your old lady,

you make her call you "Jay."
Snootchy bootchies.

Let's hope there is a next time.

All right, I'm ready.

You're never gonna believe
who I just met.

What the hell happened to these two?
Power of the Dark Side.

Wait, there's only two.

There's supposed to be three.
Where's the third guy?

- I never saw a third guy.
- Who's this asshole?

What the hell happened
to those guys?

They got lightheaded.
You got that right.

They gonna cancel the show?
What do you care?

I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks.
Suitor Number Three.

We're taking their place. I'm T.S.
Quint. This is Brodie Bruce.

Didn't I see you on the news? Dude.
Don't give him any shit, all right?

Something's going on here.
Where's Mr. Svenning?

Mr. Svenning has come down with
a sudden case of diphtheria.

What happened to those two?

Homeboys got a case
of the mad munchies.

Hey, Rowdy Roddy. Isn't this
the guy Svenning had arrested?

Yes, it is.
All right, Quint.

I don't know how you got back in,
but I'm alerting Mr. Svenning.

We'll postpone the start
until we figure this all out.

You called down the thunder,
now you've got it! Security!

Hey, Roddy!
What?

- Jesus Christ, you knocked him out.
- Now hit him!

Somebody call security?
What happened to those two?

They got stoned and knocked him out.
He needs medical attention.

That's not what happened.

Could you have him removed?
The show's about to start.

Whatever.

Look, dude.
No more shit, all right?

Just go out and woo like you're
supposed to and nobody gets hurt.

When Tricia shows up
with the videotape,

you get it to Silent Bob,
understand?

I'm on it. Wait a sec,
where is that tubby bitch?

Good evening and welcome
to Truth or Date.

One match made here
ignites the fires of romance.

Hi, I'm Bob Summers, your host

and tonight we'll watch as one
of our three lucky suitors

woos our beautiful,
eligible suitor-ette.

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready
for romance in the making

as we introduce the suitors!

Our first suitor goes to Marymount
College where he majors in Economics.

Say hi to Doug Paging.

Do it, Doug!

Our second suitor hails from
Canisius College in Buffalo

where he majors in
Communications.

Say hi to Rob Feature.

Our final suitor goes to Rutgers

where he majors in Fine
Arts and Greek mythology.

A nice welcome for Gil Hicks.

Pay attention, dick.

May the best man win.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to introduce our lovely suitor-ette.

From Monmouth State, where she majors
in Astronomy and Earth Sciences,

a big welcome for the
lovely Brandi Svenning.

AH right, everybody knows
how the game is played.

Our lovely suitor-ette will ask a
series of questions of our suitors

and make her decision based
on their answers.

Anything goes!

Brandi, are you ready?

Absolutely, Bob.

Then you may fire when ready.

Suitor Number One.

If you were a car,
what kind of car would you be?

The kind you'd never dump
your boyfriend in.

Suitor Number Two. Can't you
call me the Second Suitor?

"Suitor Number Two" sounds like
a bathroom code, you know?

Second Suitor.

If we were making whoopee...
What's whoopee?

If we were...

If we were being intimate...
What, like fucking?

Yeah.

If we were, you know, what
kind of noises would you make?

No, I think that's
kind of personal.

I don't think I should
answer that.

Suitor Number Three.

What would our first date
be like?

First I'd take you shopping to the
stores you'd want to shop in.

And then we'd do a little lunch,
probably at the Cheese Haus

followed by some golfing.

Then at night, we 'd take in an
opera, probably Die Fledermaus.

Then I'd follow it all up with
a drive to a secluded beach

where I'd pop on the radio

and then we could slow dance
till the sun came up.

That was the biggest
load of crap I've ever heard!

I mean, look at you, you're the
kind of guy that would beg for sex.

I should know,
we can smell our own.

Suitor Number One.

If we fell in love,
how would you propose to me?

When Jaws popped out of the water.
Excuse me?

I'll propose to you right now.

I propose you stop letting
your father run your life

and be true to yourself and not give
up on someone you know has value.

Take off your socks
when you make whoopee

or whatever that word is. He
hates it when you leave them on.

What?
Hypothetically speaking.

Suitor Number One,
you sound familiar.

Like your conscience, maybe? Look, lady.
You don't know him, all right?

Now make with the questions.

Suitor Number Three.

Is your kiss like a soft breeze,

a firm handshake,
or a jackhammer?

What's the funny guy
doing with his hands?

I don't want to know.

What the fuck is
going on up there?

Definitely a jackhammer.

I'm in there with some
pressure, and when I'm done,

you're not the same as before.
You're changed.

Where do you come up
with this shit?

That is the cheesiest response to
an honest question I've ever heard.

I saw you kiss and it
wasn't anything like that.

Suitor Number Two, you have to wait until
you're addressed before you respond.

Richard Dawson, go back to your podium until
it's time to play the Feud, all right?

Who did you see me kiss?
Some dude backstage.

I don't know who he was,
but he seemed unimpressed.

I didn't kiss any guy backstage, I swear.
I'm not gay.

Hey, Suitor-ette,
this guy's a homophobe.

You heard how repulsed
he sounded.

Is this the kind of guy you
want to spend a vacation with?

This hatemonger?
I don't hate gay people!

So you love them?
Yes!

I mean, no! Textbook closet case.
Self-loather.

Can't be comfortable
with his own sexuality.

Brodie said to give this to you.

Are you watching this shit,
man? It's fucked up!

I don't want to be here
when that tape

does what I think
it's going to do.

Miss Suitor-ette, how about
you answer a question for me?

I don't think that... How
strong are your convictions?

What are you talking about?

How easily do you quit? Say
you wind up with one of us.

Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh,
over here.

I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!

Why not, because he's fat? You got
something against fat people, too?

Snootchy bootchies!

Are you ready?

If! have a conviction,
I stick to it.

Were you ever in love?

Yes, as a matter of fact.
Really?

What happened to your boyfriend?

We broke up.
Why?

It just didn't work out.
I mean, were you unhappy?

Sometimes.
Why?

T.S.?

Hey, what about the rest of us?

Why don't you ask me a question?

Suitor Number Two.

Hey, what about me?
Gil, just shut the fuck up!

Second Suitor,

would you ever make
whoopee in public?

I already did once today.

But my cousin Walter jerked off
in public once. True story.

He was on a plane to New Mexico

when all of a sudden
the hydraulics went.

The plane started spinning
around, going out of control.

He decides it's all over,
whips it out

and starts beating it
right there.

All the passengers take
a cue from him,

they whip it out
and start beating like mad.

So all the passengers are
beating off,

plummeting to their certain doom

when all of a sudden

the hydraulics kick back in
and the plane rights itself.

It lands safely

and everyone puts their pieces,
or whatever, away and deboard.

Nobody mentions the phenomenon
to anyone else.

Did he come or what?

Jesus Christ, man!

There are just some things you
don't talk about in public.

Second Suitor,

if you were a comic-book character,
what character would you be?

Wow, that's a great question.

A tough one, though. What does
one gauge his response on?

Physical prowess?
Keen detection skills?

The ability to banter well
with super villains?

How's your
comic-book collection, Brodie?

It's going good.
But, I mean...

Comics!
What are you talking about?

I don't collect comics.
Comics are for kids!

I knew it.

Suitor Number One,

you just don't know when
to quit, do you? No.

No, but you sure do.
I thought you were in love.

I was in love.

But I thought
that I had a partner.

Somebody who wouldn't fall to pieces
when things didn't go his way.

How so?

My father needed a contestant
for his show, T.S.

What was I supposed to do?

Show a little backbone.
Show a little backbone?

What did you do?

When I walked away, did you make
any effort to repair that breach?

No, you just ran off

and cried on the shoulder of
Bumble the Boy Wonder over there.

Boy Wonder?
I'm all man, lady!

So you're here now and you're
ruining my father's new show.

You're airing all our
personal business on stage.

You've gone this far, T.S., why don't
you just tell them the whole story?

There we were, mere hours from
spending an entire week together

away from our family, school. She throws
in the towel because her daddy says so.

The girl who was meant to be sitting
in this chair died in a pool.

And when I tried
to explain this to him,

he was such an asshole about it

that even though it killed me
to do it, I broke up with him.

You know,
I've been crying all day.

But what did he do?
He just goes on with his life.

I mean here he is.
He's hanging out at a mall.

You put yourself on an
auction block for God's sake

in front
of a live studio audience.

Do I get a chance to field
any more questions?

No!

Look, I think
I should say something here.

I know both of you
pretty well. Suitor-ette,

Suitor Number One has done nothing
but pine over you all day

trying to figure out a way
to win you back.

When this public opportunity
to literally do that arose,

he pulled his shit together,
risked life and limb

and faced the odds to get up
here and give it his best shot.

I'm tired of this whole thing!
You're both retarded for each other!

Forget about the shit that happened
and do what you're supposed to!

I think the audience
would agree with me there.

Ask her, you silly bastard!

Miss Suitor-ette,

Suitor Number One loves you,

has always loved you,
and will always love you.

He's only got one question
that he'd like to ask.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Snootchy bootchies,
Brodie-nootchies!

Are we set or what?
Good to go.

A sailboat.

I think it's safe to say,
we've made our match.

These two lucky people will
soon be winging their way

to beautiful, sunny Florida for
a week of theme parks, beaches

and a lot more
from the look of it!

I guess that about
wraps it up for...

Not just yet, Pat Sajak.

All right?

You! All right.

I believe you have something
that belongs to me.

Yeah? What's that?

Not you, asshole! The girl.

You have my heart.

What can I say?

I love the retard.

Wait a minute. I thought tonight
we were supposed to, you know...

Hamilton!

Let's try to wrap this up, all right?
I promised her breakfast.

All right, that's it.

You're dead, mallrat. I'm going
to fuck you up beyond repair!

Sailboat. Sailboat.
Goddamn sailboat.

Ladies and gentlemen, this tall
drink of water headed my way

is a pillar of
the shopping community

who informed me earlier today
of a nefarious plan of his

to screw my girlfriend
in a very uncomfortable place.

What?
Like the back of a Volkswagen?

And as he comes up here to...

Holy shit!

Without further ado,
I'd like to present you all

with an accurate portrayal of the
proprietor of Fashionable Male.

Now, Silent Bob!

I said now, Silent Bob!

When, Lord?

When the hell do I get to see
the goddamn sailboat?

Now, now, now!

Who's your favorite New Kid?

Call me Joey.

Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose.
I think that's it.

Yeah. Call me Donnie.
Come on. Oh, girl.

Yeah, please don't go.

Goddamn.
This is one wacky game show.

That girl's only 15.

15? I thought she was 36.

Hey, come on, guys. Tell me
you wouldn't have popped her?

Where you're going,

they screw people
in a very uncomfortable place.

Really?
Yeah.

You can't strike a prisoner
in police custody.

Come on, just once?

All right, but make it fast.

Would you have gone on
vacation with the winner?

What do you think?

I don't know,
I think you would have.

But I would have
sent you a postcard.

What the hell is wrong with me?

If the tape was out of your reach,
how the hell did you get it?

The Jedi mind trick!

Holy shit!
Motherfucking Yoda and shit!

Adventure? Excitement?

A Jedi craves not these things.

(BROKEN PLAYING

Did you see that shit?
Do you call that romance?

I call that illegal.

So.

So what?

I was just wondering, if maybe
you're not busy tomorrow night...

Yeah?

Would you like to have dinner
at my house and meet my mother?

I can't guarantee
she'll like you, but...

It was just a warm-up.
Please, come on?

The show would always
go smoother and be less racy.

The show was a piece of shit.
Unoriginal, uninspired, you know.

The only thing that saved it
was this guy here.

I'm Bentley Garrison,
with the network.

Me and Mason thought
you were hysterical.

Hilarious. You've got
great presence, kid.

Have you ever considered
hosting your own talk show?

Him?

Him?

(SUSANNE PLAYING

Yeah?