All language subtitles for So Help Me Todd S02E07 Faux-Bituary

Previously on
So Help Me Todd...

Allison!
Mom?
Dick?

Patty, is that you?

You know my aunt?

I am deserving
of senior associate.

I would like nothing more
than to give you that promotion,

but now is not the time.

The firm is going under.

Welcome to the world
behind the curtain.

It's a Cube-Brick.
Folding wanted it.

Of course Folding wanted it.

Probably to spy on us.

The Lee sisters are on board,

but it's only gonna last us
six months.

We're not out of the woods yet.

Merritt Folding? MAN 1: Merritt Folding.

Merritt Folding? MAN 2: Merritt Folding.

♪ Jump in the shower ♪

♪ And the blood starts pumping ♪

♪ Out on the streets ♪

♪ The traffic starts jumping ♪

♪ For folks like me on the job ♪

♪ From nine to five

♪ Working nine to five ♪

♪ What a way to make
a living... ♪

Ms. Wright. Ms. Wright,
I have several... Wrong.

- I can't right now, Lewis.
- But I've sent you three emails.

Our office supply vendor
is raising their rates.

- I am aware.
- I can't keep pushing them off.

Well, push a little bit longer,
like I did with your emails.

Margaret, I still need you
to review these H.R. complaints.

- O-Okay.
- And sign these checks.

- I was here first.
- Mine is urgent.

I camped out all day yesterday
in the women's bathroom

- waiting to talk to her.
- You did?

Mm-hmm.
Stop doing that.

Payroll, maintenance,
and custodial.

I can't see it... Here, here, and...

An H.R. complaint can bankrupt
us if it turns into a lawsuit.

No, I know. I won't.
I'm not. I can't.

All right, I got it... And then one more page...

I'll be right back, yes.

Just give me a
minute, okay?

How is this
not working?

- Todd.
- Uh...

Vacate my chair, please.

Yeah.
How is what not working?

Todd's Taco Tuesday.

I'm advertising a special
for my P.I. services.

Half off, plus one
delicious breakfast taco,

and it has yielded
exactly zero new clients.

Zip. Zilcho.

Well, hard to believe
that people aren't lining up

for one breakfast taco.

Shouldn't be wasting my time

scouring for business
like a sewer rat.

I should be out on the streets
like a vigilante superhero,

solving crimes

and catching murderers
with my bare hands.

You're the one who made the
choice to open your own business

and you're lucky you have
the firm to fall back on,

and if you feel like you
just can't make a go of it,

then maybe... Instead, I am stuck
with two dozen tacos.

- ...it is time to admit defeat.
- Well, 12 dozen tacos.

Guess I know what I'm eating
every day...

Maybe it isn't everything
that you want.

Maybe-maybe there's another way
to get ahead, and...

Oh...

What's going on with you?
You okay?

- Heard from The Bradshaw Group.
- And?

Not returning.

They signed with Granger Zisk.

Half a million dollar
retainer, gone.

Granger Zisk. Good God,
the vultures are circling.

I think everyone can smell
CF&W failing,

and it is causing them
to avoid my tacos.

I did not become a name partner

to be buried alive
in paperwork

and personnel issues

and problems that
I cannot solve. Ugh!

Is this what my life's
work amounts to?

Just rolling a giant boulder

up an impossible hill
to nowhere?

Forever?

Damn...

Damn it.

I want to accomplish

just one thing today,

just one thing.

To solve one problem.

To make myself feel
more effective for once.

Is that too muchto ask?

- It is a lot to ask.
- Todd.

I refuse to let
this firm fail.

I helped build
this entire place,

and I did not work this hard
to get my name...

Your wrong name.

My wrong name
above the door just to...

Just to what?
Go down with the ship?

Pulling under innocent victims?
Like me and Francey

and Susan and... Lyle can float.

Stop it.

I...

am going downstairs
for some coffee.

Ooh, I-I'll take a latte

with a side of... nothing.

Side of nothing.

Yeah. Hold the latte.

Oh, Ms. Wright, wait.

Margaret... Uh, Ms. Wright, I just need
one more approval...

Whoa.

I'm sorry.
Are... are you okay?

No. I'm dead.

- Sorry, you're what? You're dead?
- Yes.

And this lawyer just
turned down my case.

Says it's impossible
to resurrect me.

Now, how am Isupposed

to live my life when
I don't exist anymore?

But-but you're
- right here.
- Mm-mm.

No?

Your obituary?

I was declared dead
six months ago.

- H-How did this happen?
- I have no idea.

I've contacted every government
agency I can think of,

and it's been nothing but... Dead ends? Sorry.

I don't understand.
I mean...

you are alive,
you are clearly alive.

Yeah, can't you just show your
I.D. or your birth certificate

to the police or...?Once my "death" was reported

to the Social Security
Administration,

it set off a chain reaction.

My credit cards, my
health insurance were canceled.

I lost my job
at Belmont Auto Repair

because "dead people"
can't get paychecks.

Hey, um,

what are the chances
he's actually dead

and we're the only ones
that could see him?

You know, like on that show
about apparitions?

Todd.

I'm on the verge of being broke
and homeless,

and the State of Oregon
is seizing

all my assets
in probate court today.

- Wait, today?
- Like, today-today

or today-today? Must be today.

If someone doesn't
help me soon, I...

I don't know. What...

What happens to someone
who doesn't legally exist?

I can help you.

We can help you.

We can straighten
this all out

at your probate
hearing today.

We can fix whatever

bureaucratic nonsense

led to this egregious
clerical error.

We can accomplish
this today.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, he seems real.

Very soft hands.

Hey, Margaret,
- do you have a minute?
- Oh, Susan.

Yes, of course.
I'm preparing for probate court

this afternoon,
but what do you need?

I have a last-minute meeting
with a potential client

tomorrow morning,
and I need your help.

Oh. Now you need my help,
do you?

Um, well, okay.

I'd be happy to. Just have
Francey put it on my schedule,

or, Susan,

we could have lunch
and discuss...

Oh. A-Actually, I just need
the conference room,

and you have it booked.

Okay. All yours.

Thank you.

Who's the client?

4X Technology Innovators.

A potential one million dollar
- a year retainer.
- Oh.

Amazing. And, uh,
how'd you get the meeting?

The CEO, Rory McIntosh, is a new
business associate of Peter's.

Ah-hah. You know, Susan,

building your client roster
is very important,

but this-- this could be
very, very big for the firm.

So, maybe if you let me help
you, we can land this account.

Oh, thank you, but, uh,
I think I can do it on my own.

And then you'll
have to promote me.

Ah!

Ugh, cheese and crackers!

Lyle, are you okay?

Oh, uh, it's just a toothache.
I'm fine. Ah...

Okay, so, when someone
dies, like, for real,

they get entered
into the EDRS,

the Electronic Death
Registration System.

Electronic death?
That sounds awful. What?

- Don't come back here.
- Okay, fine. Then what happens?

Okay. Then that gets sent to the
Social Security Administration

and added to their
Death Master File.

Death Master?
This all sounds so creepy.

And, by the way,
speaking of death,

part of me is still trying
to come back to life

after catching you in my bed

with that fraud, Dick Franks.

Todd, Dick and I...

I don't like you saying "Dick."

You just said it, okay?

And, also, I'm not
discussing my sex life.

Nor will I be judged
by someone

who has an ex-girlfriend
in prison.

Hey, I put her in prison.

Yeah, that doesn't
make it better.

Look, I'm not talking
about this. Not with you,

not with Mom, from whom
I have not heard in a week,

by the way. Ugh, I can
just feel her judging me

and criticizing me
and dying to tell me

what to do and how to do it.
I hate it. I hate this.

God, you're so
Angry Teen Allison.

Yeah well, I never was
Angry Teen Allison,

so bring it on.

Oh, it's been broughten, sister.

By the way,

are we just waiting
for this Electrical Death Lord

- to print or whatever?
- It's printing right now.

Electrical Death Lord?
What is wrong with you?

What? That's exactly
what you just said.

No.

Your Honor,

my client, Leo Hart,
is clearly alive.

There's no need
to proceed

with a probate hearing
regarding his estate.

Your Honor, we've
never had a case

where the decedent contested
their own probate hearing.

That's because the
decedent isn't deceased.

He's right here, alive.

I can only go by what
the paperwork says,

and all my paperwork
says Leo Hart is dead.

This is him.

He literally
has a pulse.

Obviously, I see that.
We all see that,

but in the eyes of the
U.S. government, it's curtains.

Your Honor, this is ludicrous.

My client isn't
going to lose everything

he owns just because of a...

Only God

and the Social Security
Administration

can reverse a death.

And how long would that take?

Months. Years.

We don't even have
an official form

to fix something
like this.

No form, no fix.

No form, no fix?

This is a highly
unusual situation,

so I will grant you
a continuance

on the probate hearing,
Counselor.

You have one week to prove
that your client is, um...

legally alive.

Thank you.

Is-is this a good thing?

Oh, it buys us time, and Todd

is already looking into
who reported you dead,

so I promise you

we will have
this sorted out

within the week.

No form, no fix.

Your client's death
was reported to the EDRS

by a Dr. Ray Munipke.

- What? Do you know him?
- No, which is odd,

because I know
every doctor on this wing.

I've never even heard
that name before.

Oh, maybe because it's
pronounced "Manupkay,"

- not Munipke.
- It's not pronounced
"Manupkay."

- It's Munipke.
- It's "Manupkay."
Look right there.

What, do you have a degree
in pronunciation?

Yes, I do, dude.

This is his office.
This is his office?

Hello?

Uh, this is

a janitor's closet.

This is all...
T-The form is wrong.

Someone faked an address
in the hospital?

And medical credentials.

Which explains why you've never
heard of Dr. "Manupkay,"Munipke.

because he doesn't exist.

Maybe...

maybe Leo's death
wasn't a clerical error.

Maybe someone
killed him on paper

on purpose.

Do you have any idea who
would want you declared dead?

No. I'm a nobody.

I don't have
any enemies or...

I don't even have any friends.

I generally try and
stay away from people.

Why?

Because, um, I don't deserve
to have people in my life.

Um, I've been sober ten years,

- but I was a mess.
- Ah.

I'm an alcoholic.

All I did was let people down
and drive them away.

Well, you can't punish yourself
for your past.

No one deserves to be alone.

I talked to
your son-in-law, Chet.

He said Leo's obituary
was submitted

to The Portland Sentinel
by one Kirkland Quimby,

owner of Hillside Funeral Home.

Do you know
any Kirkland Quimby?

Kirkland Quimby. No.

Why would he write
an obituary for me?

Well, if somebody
wants you dead,

the longer the paper trail,
the harder it is to unravel.

If there's anything else you
need,

I'm around!

Oh, Lyle.

Uh, Francey, can you come
in here right now, please,

and take Lyle to the dentist?

It is clearly an emergency.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No. There's no need.

I'm fi... ...ine.

Lyle, you are not fine.

Go now, Francey.

Lyle, the last time
you ignored a toothache,

I found you passed out
from the pain in your office.

Let's go.

It's okay.

Just admit you're afraid
of the dentist.

- I just need some ginger ale.
- Oh...

So, uh, what
do we do now?

Well, now, I'm going to pay
a visit to this Kirkland Quimby.

You got to admit,

paper-killing someone is genius.

They're dead,
but you didn't do it,

- But you did.
- Both are illegal.

I can think of a few people
I would love to paper kill.

Who?

Harry, Veronica,
Lyle sometimes,

Lyle most times,
Colonel Sanders.

- Colonel Sanders?
- Yeah.

He's terrifying.
That little body?

Welcome.
Come this way, please.

Thank you so much.

Todd, perhaps you could
add that vagrant

that Allison was with in
your apartment to the list.

Is she still seeing him?

I don't know,
but you're not gonna find out

by ignoring her and then
dumping on her choices,

which will then make her
ignore you. I mean,

how long did we go
without talking?

You still owe me, like,
104 family dinners.

Hello.
I'm Kirkland Quimby.

- How may I help you?
- Hi. Hello, hello.

How do you do?
Uh, we're here

to discuss some
- funeral arrangements.
- Please.

Yes, for my mother,
God bless her soul.

Such a
sprightly sense of humor.

No, no, no,
for my son.

No, I thought the last thing
a parent wants to do

- is bury their child.
- Well, it depends
on the child.

I... Well, whichever
one of you is dying, uh,

may I ask which funeral package
you are interested in?

Uh, for me? Very expensive.

Money is no object.
Sky's the limit.

Mm, yes, well, I was
actually thinking

of something much simpler,
along the economy side.

A box. A flower. A hole.

Oh, for your beloved
favorite son?

I have another.

All right then,
21-gun salute,

6,000 doves, ten bald eagles--

the baldest money can buy--

and I also want
want an ax

and an oxygen tank down there

just in case
I spring back to life.

Does that happen? There's
got to be a few cases, right?

It's rare, but...

- What?
- May I ask,

are obituaries a part
of your funeral package?

Oh, yes, we provide touching,
personalized obituaries.

Ah-ha. So, you could write
an obituary for my son,

like the one you wrote
for Leo Hart.

Leo Hart?

I-I've never written an obituary
for anybody by that name.

Really?
You didn't write this?

This is a copy of
an email that you sent

to The Portland Sentinel

along with Leo Hart's obituary.W...

I...
This isn't my email address.

Th-This account
belonged to my father,

Kirkland Quimby, Senior.

But he died, 20 years ago.

That makes sense.
It is an AOL account.

Will you excuse us
for one second, please?

Todd, how does someone access
a dead father's email account

in order to send an obituary
to The Portland Sentinel?

Sounds like we're dealing
- with a computer hacker.
- Hmm.

The same person who used
fake medical credentials

to pose as a
nonexistent doctor.

Oh, and until, like, last year,
you had an AOL account.

Todd. We need get Lyle
to track down this hacker.

Lyle? What am I,
buried alive?

Excuse me, but may I ask,

what exactly is it
you are dying of?

Oh, um, tongue... problem.

Chronic tongue problem.

Make way!

Okay, easy, easy.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Lyle, here.
- Mm?

Mm... This is you. Here.

Easy, tiger.

Uh... Oh. Okay.

Not a-not a coatrack. Oop.

Sit. Sit.

Okay, all right.

- Hello.
- All right.

Lyle,

are you sure you don't want
to lie down and rest?

I'm fine.

No, no, no, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Hey, Lyle, I need
your help with a...

I'm fine.

Fine...

They, um, extracted a tooth.

The nitrous oxide

hasn't worn off yet.

- Well, what's he doing here?
- He insisted.

He almost passed out
after seeing the drill.

I think he's afraid
to be home alone.

Lyle?

Lyle?

I'm gonna go get
you some water.

Okay.

M'kay.

So...

...what do you need
my help with?

Well, I'm trying to track down
a criminal hacker

who fakes medical credentials
and steals email accounts,

but you're clearly in no shape
to help, so..."Dock weh."

Hm?"Dock weh."

"Dock way-buh."

Dark web?
Are you saying dark web?

"Dock weh."

I-I can't go on the dark web

from a work computer,
I'd get fired.

Use a computer

with its own Internet "serber."

What?"Swerber."

"S-Swerver."

But we all share
the same server.

Oh, no, no, no, no, we don't.

Shh. No.

"Merriff Tolding"
has his own "swerber."

Merritt Folding
has his own server?

And he is "neber hee-oh."

And he is "neber hee-oh."

But Folding's computer

would be protected, right?
Like Beverly?

You can only access it
with his fingerprint?

And mine.

System administrator.

Boop.

Ooh, fancy-fancy.

Well, hello, Merritt Folding.

If you'll just let me speak
to someone in charge,

I'm certain
they'll be interested

in this fantastic opportunity.

Sir, we are a law firm.
And I really don't think...

Just look at our brochure.

Francey! I just want to
double-check the, uh, details

of my meeting with
Rory McIntosh this morning.

Which you just did an hour ago.

The conference room
is all set.

Okay, thanks, I just...

I have to win this client,

so please let me know
- when he arrives.
- Mm-hmm.

I think he's kind of tall.

Ah, I can wait.
I'd be happy to.

You know what,

I'm gonna grab a coffee,
maybe a snack.

Just... Thanks so much.

Hello there. Rory McIntosh,

here to meet with Susan Yang.

But tell me,
which way is your restroom?

That way.

Thanks so much.

Okay...

- Dark web.
- What?

Dark web.
♪ Scary place, scary people. ♪

Maybe we shouldn't do this.

Oh, uh, you know what? Um...

look at this.
Merritt Folding just texted.

He says hi, and it's okay,

and he wants you to help me
with this case no matter what.

- He said that?
- Mm-hmm.

He knows Todd and Lyle
- are in his office?
- Yep.

Todd and Lyle.

Tyle.

Tyle!

That's right. Team Lodd.

Now, let's go ahead
and, uh, dark web us up.

You got it.

Oh, cap'n, my cap'n.

Why does the firm
use your fingerprint

to gain security access?

My fingerprint has an arch.

Only five percent
of the population has 'em.

Yay.

Lapland?

Is this a gum?

Merritt Folding chews gum

from Lapland?

Is one of you
Merritt Folding?

The Merritt Folding?

Lead counsel on
the PDX Securities tribunal?

Brilliant work.
Gah, you're a legend!

And so young.

I cannot believe
that you're here.

I heard that you're a recluse.

Aye. Nay. Merritt Folding.

In the flesh.

Feast your eyes upon me.

No. Are you Scottish?

Aye.

Now you've been evicted.

What am I gonna do?
Where am I gonna live?

Okay, okay, don't
panic. Francey?

Okay, just make yourself
at home right in my office

and I'll be right back.

Francey?

Where is he? It's 11:05.

Oh! That must be him.
Rory McIntosh.

Hello, hi.

I'm Susan Yang. It's a pleasure
to finally meet you.

You too.

You too.

My Scottish brother!

Rory McIntosh, CEO,
4X Technology Innovators.

I'm here to meet Susan Yang.

- Susan?
- Aye. Yeah.

I'm about to go public--
I'd be an idiot

to do that without a law firm.

Whereabouts in Scotland
are you from?

Oh, um, uh, Loch Narb.

Right around the bend
from Loch Ness.

But we got a wee different
monster, don't we?

Yeah, ours is
an enormous white crab.

Look at us,
two young bastards, Ow.

conquering Portland.

Right, right.

And we are in!

Oh, uh...

this is my assistant, Todd.

Yeah, he's a bit out of it.

Hey, why don't we
go to the kitchen

and grab a bite to eat

- while he works, huh?
- Aye.

I can't believe

- Folding is here.
- Yeah, I guess he's meeting

with some guy, some
tall I guy I just saw

- in the kitchen.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, Francey,
there you are.

Can you please
make a case file...

Folding is here.

- What?
- Folding.

Here? Why?

I-I heard he's meeting
with Rory McIntosh,

who's in the kitchen.

What? Rory?

The client Susan
- is trying to sign?
- Yes.

Wait, if she brought Folding
into her meeting instead of me,

they're shoving me out.

Take... No... The audacity.
They are going to include me

whether they
like it or not.

I'm gonna go talk
to this Rory McIntosh...

right now.

Go get 'em.

Huh. Impressive.

And that's why they included me

in the 40 under 40 profile.

- That's me. Number 22 of 40.
- Wow.

You should be really proud
of all your achievements.

Thank you.

But having you as a client

is the kind of achievement
we dream about.

Fighting for you,

building your future.

It's the whole reason
I became a lawyer.

I got to say, uh, your firm

really knows how
to make a guy

feel valuable.

Of course.

My presentation. Okay.

My laptop.
I will be right back.

You eat that cake.

Okay.

- Oh, these tacos are incredible.
- Yeah.

When my company was a start-up--

two employees, no revenue--

I lived off tacos.

Was all I could afford.

Ah, indeed, me blighty.

Or me matey?

But tell me,

from one young
Scot to another,

how did you build your company
into what it is today?

- Trust the product.
- Hmm.

Aye. You dinna need
gimmicks, giveaways,

uh, spend all your cash
on silly promotions.

If you're selling
quality products and services,

- your customers find you.
- Trust the product.

That's bloody brilliant
advice, Rory.

Rory?

Hello there, lassie.

Rory McIntosh.
How are you?

Rory McIntosh?

That's what the man said,

and you're looking bonny today,

- Susan.
- Susan Yang?

Oh, Merritt here
has been filling me

with tacos and nonsense.

I'm so pleased
to finally meet you.

- Hi.
- Right.

Let's get back to your office,

and I can hear what
- your firm has to offer.
- Aye.

- Merritt Folding?
- Aye...

I was told I could
find you in the kitchen.

Margaret Wright
of Crest, Folding and Wright.

And I just stopped by
to let you know, personally,

that, as name
and managing partner,

we would be thrilled
to be in business with you.

Well, I am
delighted to hear that.

Well, as am I.

We are just chomping at the bit
to make this happen.

If you'd be happy to sign today.

Oh, yes, ooh, yes.
I would be so very happy, yes.

Um, I'm just gonna
go tell my assistant

to fill out
the proper paperwork.

So, how about a drink,
Merritt?

All right.

I really think
we'd be more comfortable

in the conference room.

No, let's stay in here.

Now, I don't need another

PowerPoint presentation

or to end up
at a stuffy, auld firm.

That's why I was so pleased
to meet this young titan.

And a fellow Scot.

Aye!

Excuse me.

Work calls.

- Of course.
- Hello?

What the hell are you doing?

He assumed that I was
Folding and Scottish,

so I had to go along with it.

And I've been watching
a lot of Shrek lately.

Like, a lot.

And-and what are you doing
in here, and...

Who was I just
meeting with in the conf...

We're hacking the dark web.

Oh, great.

Look, you're trying
to land Rory as a client.

He loves me.
He'll totally sign on.

Well, yeah, if you pretend
to be Merritt Folding

the entire time
we represent him.

And why are you on the dark web
on this computer?

You're on the dark web?

Yes? Y-Yes.

Uh, we will go to any lengths
to help our clients.

That's brilliant, innit?
What are you looking for?

A very scary hacker,

but I can't keep up
with this dynamic encryption.

It's so fast. Zoom, zoom.

You need more
processing power, Todd.

A single computer's

no match for the dark web.

You know, my company
makes a mobile device

that can turn
any computer

into a rocket powerful enough

to handle anything.
And I mean anything.

A rocket?

Aye.

I happen to have one
right here.

A rocket in your pocket?

Aye.

Francey! Francey.

I showed them.

I just signed Rory McIntosh
in his fabulous purple suit

all by myself,

without Merritt or Susan.

I'm going to singlehandedly
save this firm.

Hmm. Purple suit?

Yes, in the kitchen,
like you said.

That man is raising money

- for vegan reptile rescue hotels.
- What?

That man you just entered into
a verbal agreement with... Uh-huh.

is not Rory McIntosh.

That man represents

a charity pairing
endangered reptiles

with rehabilitative

housing centers
for the disenfranchised.

I've just agreed to sponsor

a lounge of imperiled lizards?

Yes, and here is our first

displaced dragon.

There you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll be giving her a home

and a new lease on life.

- Oh. Here, Francey.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, legally, I can't. Yeah.

Hmm.

Wait a minute.

Aye, there's the data
you wanted.

So, who's our wee pesky hacker?

That we are trying to locate
only to help a client.

- Right.
- Nexus21

is her "fakeroni" hacker name.

But her real name is...

Piper Harlow.

You know, I forgot
how much I missed going down

the dark web rabbit hole.

Well, once you
sign up with us,

we can make this
a weekly ritual.

Taco Dark Web
Rabbit Hole Tuesdays.

Yeah, I'll admit, the thought

of working with a fellow Scot--
that's tempting.

But Granger Zisk

has been pressing me pretty hard
for my business.

And you should consider
all of your options.

However, at Crest, Fold...

Eh, you're off your head
if you go with Granger Zisk.

A bunch of boring old bampots,
if you ask me.

You're off your head.

A funny man, huh?

Ah, get in here.
- All right.
- Okay.

That'll do it, Todd.
That'll do.

This feels so good.

So, until we get
your case straightened out

and you back
into your apartment,

this is where you'll be living,

a-at no cost to you whatsoever.

And all you have to do
is provide

some companionship

and light care

to some very troubled...
reptiles.

How did you know I love iguanas?

Intuition.

I can't tell you
how wonderful

you've all made me feel.

Like I'm really worth something.

Well, of course
you are worth something, Leo.

And as soon as we figure out

the hacker behind this...

I found the lad.
Uh, lassie.

I found the hacker.

Aye, it's Piper, me mates.

Uh, me scurvies.

Wh... It's Piper Harlow.

Why do you sound like
an Australian Scottish pirate?

I've had a lot of tacos today.

Piper Harlow?
Uh, Leo,

do you know any Piper Harlow?

Uh... I looked her up online.

Piper Harlow is currently
serving a five-year sentence

at the Oregon State
Correctional Facility,

where she has no computer access
whatsoever.

But how could she have possibly
paper-killed Leo

from inside of a prison cell?

Aye, it is

a wee bit of a head-scratcher.

Hello, Piper.

Who the hell are you?

Are you Greg
from my Prison Pen Pals ad?

'Cause I'm not sure
I want to get married anymore.

Ha, ha. No.

Listen, I want to hire you
to do a little job for me.

Well, um, I'm in prison, idiot.

Yeah, but word on the street is

even on the inside,
you know how to kill people

on paper.

Like you did to Leo Hart?

Never heard of the guy.

Really?

Because we traced
your digital footprint.

You mean "fingerprint," dummy.

Cops don't dust

for footprints.

- Look, I got to go.
- Wait, wait, hold on. No.

I will drop 100 bucks
into your commissary account

if you answer
just one more question.

Make it two.

Two questions for $100?
Fantastic.

$200.

Right.
Yeah, that makes more sense.

Okay. Deal.
Tell me,

in order to gain backdoor access
on the dark web,

did you use triple encryption
or static malware?

Static malware.

Perfect.

Because I made that one up.

Doesn't exist,
which you would know

if you were a hardened,
criminal computer hacker,

but you're not.

And something tells me
you're also not Piper Harlow.

I am Piper Harlow.

I'm telling you,

this rando woman has totally
somehow swapped places

with Piper in prison.

Are you suggesting that
the real Piper has paid

this other woman
to serve her time?

Mm-hmm.

That is a mind-boggling
supposition

that would require
a next-to-impossible network

of crooked contacts
inside the penal system.

Ooh, I don't like
you saying "penal."

Speaking of sensitive people,

I hope that Susan was able
to land Rory McIntosh,

whom I did not have the pleasure
of meeting, as a client.

That would put us in the black,

for a few weeks, anyway.

I don't know, I heard
McIntosh really hit it off

- with Merritt Folding.
- Folding?

The little worm.

But he is still leaning

towards Granger Zisk.

Those vultures.
Again.

You see, I'm not sure that
Susan has the experience

to close a deal of this size.

So step in.
Give her some guidance.

Lead the cows
into the barn,

o-or tuck the monkeys
into their little monkey bed,

or-or harpoon the whales
into the, um...

Or you sh...
You can gi...

You know, so they
could swim, 'cause... Mm-hmm.

You should probably stop
while you're behind.

We should save the whales.

Anyway, Susan does not
want my advice

or my help or anything.

In fact, lately,
she's been a pain in my butt.

However, maybe...

may... maybe you could
suggest to her

that she give this client Rory,
uh, an extravagant gift basket.

- Yes, yes, yes!
- Mm.

- Text this to her right now.
- Right now?

Uh, full of
Scottish comfort food,

like haggis and biskies

Biskies?and-and luxury items
and, oh,

and a little card that reads,

"At C.F. and W,

you'll always be at home."

Text that to her right now.

I am texting as fast
as I can, ma'am.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Oh.

No problem, dear.
Uh, the food is still warm.

And I see that you've had your

roots done.

Yeah, I did them myself.

Oh. And they look...

great?

Well, I am
just thrilled

that you've made it here at all.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.

I just know that
you worked overnight shift

and you're clearly very tired,

and... but you
showed up here... I'm not very tired, I'm...

I dressed up for you.

- I put on this nice scarf.
- Well, you dressed up

your neck.
- The rest is just gross.
- It doesn't matter

what I wear, you're always
gonna criticize...

Allison, I'm happy you're here.

I don't want to fight.

I just want to feed you.

Okay.

And...

if you would like to
invite your new friend

for dinner sometime... Oh, boy.

- My new friend?
- The one

without the pants.
He seems very charming.

Charming. Okay.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, okay.

Now he seems
charming.

When you met him,
he was disappointing.

Like, I was disappointing.

But now he's charming.

Maybe I'll marry him,
have his babies.

Okay.
- You do what you need to do.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I think I need
to be Mrs. Dick Franks.

I think I need
a second husband

who's had 17 heart attacks

and what he's described
as an open

psychosexual relationship
with my aunt.

Todd, would you like some wine?

No, I'd actually like to die.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.

Why aren't you saying anything?

Why aren't you criticizing me?

Allison.

If I say something,
you're angry.

If I don't say something,
you're angry.

I think you
want to fight.

I think you need to fight.
To be mad at me.

To be mad at everything.

To-to blow your life up.

And you've asked me not
to control you. So,

if you need to have
a gigantic meltdown,

I'm going to let you
have a gigantic meltdown.

Okay, that's fair.

I am, yeah, admittedly,

presenting
a challenging situation.

I-I want guardrails,
but I don't.

And... I just feel like
everything is in flux right now.

And I feel like I'm, like,
hiding from myself

inside my own life.

Hiding...

- From herself.
- What if Piper Harlow...

Is hiding from her life

- inside her life.
- Okay, sorry, I was
sort of in the middle

- of a big moment there.
- There's another person
pretending to be her...

Right, so what's stopping

the real Piper Harlow from...

- Hiding in plain sight.
- Okay, I'm glad my

personal crisis
is secondary to...

In the safest, most comfortable

place possible.

- Okay. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay.
- What is her address?

I'm glad that my problems
could help you

crack the case.
Okay. I'll see you.

Did you... Let me get her address.
No, no, I have it.

- ask Lyle? But he might.
- No, Lyle doesn't have it. I...

- Lyle does have it.
- I'll be in the bath. If you
care. If you're listening. Okay.

He's been... All right, I'll text him.

- This is it?
- This is Piper's house?

- Mm.
- Hiding in her own home.

It seems absurd, but... Look at all those

blackout shades.
She is in there,

hiding from the whole world.

I know it.
Now we just need to get her

to open the door and talk to us

and tell the truth... Go lie down in that
yard and play dead.

What?
Are you serious?

First you're burying me alive

- and now I'm playing dead?
- I have an idea.

And no one's going to open
that door for nothing.

You go lie down and play dead.

- This is a $1,000 suit.
- This is a $12 jacket!

Wh...

What are you doing?

I am going
to lie down

and play dead
and you're going to ring

that doorbell
and ask for help.

Okay. Fine, fine.

What are you doing
spending $1,000 on a suit?

I mean, with that kind of money
I could've bought, like...

83.3 jackets.
Now go! Ring the bell.

Okay.
That's very fast math.

Help! Help!

Call 911!
Somebody help!

- Help, help!
- I know CPR.

- I can help.
- No, no!

Don't, don't!
Just go away!

Let her die.

Aah! Aah!

Stop! Go, go, go.
Exercise.

Oh, my God. Uh, can
we use your phone

or-or your hose? Or, uh,
do you have a defibrillator?

Hey!
What's going on?

Hi, can I help you?

Piper Harlow.

Aren't you supposed
to be in prison?

- We have some questions.
- You've got the wrong person.

Oh, please. We know all about
your little prison-swap scam.

You're a home-hiding hacker,

and now it's time
to pay the piper, Piper.

You've been waiting to say
- that for days, haven't you?
- Yes.

Okay, look,
we represent Leo Hart.

I represent--
I am the lawyer--

Leo Hart, whom you have
gone to great lengths

to have declared dead.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Ah, maybe you'd rather
talk to the cops

about skipping out
on your sentence?

Oaky. Okay, look,
it wasn't personal.

I was hired to do it.

Hired by whom?

Ethan Zillow.

What? Seriously?
Another person?

When does this daisy chain
of suspects end?

I met Ethan online, and he...

he said he wanted Leo wiped off
the face of the earth, so I...

You had him killed
for a price.

Okay, one last thing, or we're
turning you into the cops.

I don't mean magically
transforming you

into the police, I mean...
You get it.

How'd you pull off
your little inmate switcheroo?

There's a crooked
corrections deputy

who handles prison transfers.

She does this
for a price,

and I paid that other woman
to serve my sentence.

A corrections deputy
at the Multnomah County Jail?

Oh, Todd, let's go find
that Effrum Ziblow.

Wh... Ethan Zillow.

What are you...

These are

all of the Ethan Zillows
we could find

in the state of Oregon.

According to Piper,

she was paid by one of
these three men to kill you.

Do any of them look familiar?

Uh...

no.

Does the name Ethan Zillow
ring a bell?

No, but...

but I used to know
someone named Sofie Zillow.

Sofie.

And-and who was she to you?

She was my girlfriend.

Almost 18 years ago,
back when I was still drinking.

She, uh, put up with me
for about two years

- before she left.
- And you haven't stayed in touch?

No, not at all.

Do you think she had
something to do with this?

I wasn't gonna
show you this,

because I thought that he was
too young to be a suspect,

but this is

Ethan Zillow, Sofie's son.

Son?

Mm.

How old is he?

Sixteen.

All right, well, good morning.

I'm Margaret Wright,
and, Sofie,

thank you for agreeing to meet
with us on such short notice.

On the phone, you said

- felony, jail time.
- Mm-hmm.

Your son Ethan
paid $5,000

from his Venmo account
to a computer hacker

to have my client, Leo,
legally declared dead.

What? H-How would he even know
how to do something like that?

He's 16. This is how you
drag me back into your life

after all this time,
and you blame him.

I just want to know why.

You always said we were
dead to him.

And that's why he was never
around, that he didn't care.

You have to work two crappy jobs

and do everything by yourself
because of him.

He treats us like
we don't exist, so I...

I used the money
that I saved up, and I...

And you went online,

found a hacker who could make it

so that Leo doesn't exist.

Why now?

I'm 16.

All of my friends are getting
their driver's licenses

and Stuart and Eric

are rebuilding old cars
with their dads, and...

...I don't get to do anything.

I never even knew about you.

Yeah, right.

Mom had always
said that... I lied.

I was trying to protect you.

I thought it was best if you... No, your mom

did the right thing
by lying to you.

I was in no shape
to be anyone's dad back then.

Ethan.

You're a juvenile.

And, Leo, if you choose
not to press charges,

then...

I think we can keep
him out of trouble.

You know,
I happen to be a mechanic.

What kind of cars do you like?

And with your son Ethan's
confession,

we should have no problem
clearing everything up

in probate court
and reversing your death.

I don't know how I can
ever repay you

for all the things you've done.

Oh, no need.

We were happy
to do this for you.

Thank you, Margaret.

- Of course.
- Thank you.

May... It okay? Yeah?
All right.: Oh, yeah, okay.

- Of course.
- Oh, thank you.

You brought me back to life.

Well...

I'm having a little God complex.

Trust the product.

The clients will come.

What did you make me do?

Uh, not sure
what you're referring to.

- Sorry, could you take a number?
- I was

altered on dentist gas
and you took advantage of me.

Is that what the kids are
calling it now-- dentist gas?

I don't remember anything.
What happened?

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing but going
on the dark web

and lying to some people
and signing some papers.

- What papers?
- It's nothing,

you just signed over
lead detective to me

and cosigned a car loan

and made me your legal guardian,
but it's nothing.

You know,
this is gonna sound crazy,

but I was thinking about Piper

and her little
inmate switcheroo,

and I looked into it.

And you know who was
in the same jail

and transferred to the same

prison and processed
by the same corrections deputy?

Who?

Veronica.

You don't think...

Oh, hi.

I'm actually going down.
The elevator just

randomly took me
to that empty floor upstairs.

So, how are things progressing
with Rory McIntosh?

He's signing with us.

- Oh.
- I am on my way
to meet Peter to celebrate.

- Hey, that's great.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Rory said he almost
went with Granger Zisk,

but he loved

Todd's idea of

the Taste Of Scotland
gift basket I sent.

He said the personal touch
really convinced him that

I would go the extra mile
for a client.

Hey, you know,
that idea

was actually brilliant.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally brilliant.

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