All language subtitles for Lucifer_S03E02_The One with the Baby Carrot.English (CC)

["Down" playing]

♪ Are you... ♪

♪ Are you down? Are you down?
Are you d-d-down? ♪

♪ Are you down? Are you down?
Are you d-d-d-down? ♪

This way.

♪ Down, down, down ♪

♪ Are you... Are you... ♪

♪ Down. Are you... ♪

Oh, hello.

[sighs]

You're an angel.

[sighs] Gosh. My apologies.

And for the record, I don't usually
suffer from premature unfurling.

Right. Now, where were we?

No. Keep them out.

I'm totally into cosplay.

I could dress up as a devil
and make it really sexy.

I've no desire to have sex with myself.

Not right now, at least.

Where are you going?

[sighs] To do some grooming.

I'd recommend you to leave. Now.

I'm about to engage in a rather
gruesome form of man-scaping.

[Linda] You cut them off, didn't you?

I did. Yes. But then they grew back.

So I cut them off again.

It's like Whac-A-Mole back there.

I'm worried about you.

What you're describing is self-mutilation.

Doctor, someone is forcing
those wings on me.

They took away my devil face.

And I won't stand for someone
making me something I'm not.

Are you any closer to finding out
who did this?

Yes.

Well, a little.

He calls himself the Sinnerman.

From what I can gather,
he is a criminal mastermind

who just moved his operation
to Los Angeles.

But no one seems to have ever met him,

which makes punching him in the face
frustratingly difficult.

Well, maybe... [groans]

Doctor, are you sure you're all right
to be back at work?

I mean, it really hasn't been that long
since Mum flambéd you.

Yes, it certainly was a...

traumatic experience.

Fortunately, I'm trained
to deal with that sort of thing,

and I'm doing just that.

And there's nothing I can do to help?

Yes. You can let me get back to you.

Oh, if you insist.

Uh, oh,

I haven't even told you
the worst part, have I?

Not only did he stick my wings back on
and take my face,

he's stolen my shtick as well.

He gives out favors to people
for a price to be named later.

Sound familiar?

Lucifer, you didn't invent the idea
of giving out favors.

[chuckles] Yep, forgot who I was
talking to.

I suppose you did.

But you haven't given out favors
in a while.

And the Sinnerman knows it.

I think he's taunting me.

Do you think he's human?

Or something else?

I don't know.

But whatever he is, I'm going to
stop at nothing to find him.

[Chloe] We found him.
[Lucifer] Who? The missing link?

Proof of human-rodent copulation?

It's Michael Lonzo, the guy that
skewered your kidnapper under the pier.

This is clearly not the Sinnerman.

[sarcastically] Clearly not.

Since I'm pretty sure that no one
with that name actually exists.

He had motive, no alibi.

And, oh, yeah, he confessed
under interrogation. He's our guy.

Well then, he must be
working for the Sinnerman.

You're not gonna drag me into
whatever new weird drama this is.

And could you please
stop saying "Sinnerman"?

Sinnerman.

Big Nina Simone fan?

-Well, actually I am, but I was just...
-Nothing. It's nothing.

Are you hiding something
from me, Detective?

No.

Well, I don't care. I was just asking.

New case came in. You're up.

Thank you.

[exhales]

Okay, why did you just stop me
telling the new lieutenant

we're on the cusp
of the greatest case of our lives?

Because the Sinnerman is an urban myth.

He doesn't exist.

He's a boogeyman that criminals use
to hide their bad behavior.

"Oh, the Sinnerman made me do it."

Yet another thing he's stolen from me,
being blamed for the bad deeds of men.

-[sighs in exasperation]
-He can keep that one, actually.

So the idea of telling our new boss,

who I'm just starting
to get a rhythm with,

that you want to arrest the Easter Bunny
doesn't really thrill me.

I've no intention of arresting anyone.

I want to grab him by his neck and see
what happens when I squeeze hard enough.

If you can bring me
any tiny bit of evidence

that this Sinnerman actually exists,

I will be the first to look into it.

But until then,

consider this case closed

and let's focus on this case, please.

Okay.

[rock music playing]

♪ I'm gonna handcuff life ♪

♪ Throw thunder in the wind ♪

♪ Won't slack, won't turn my back ♪

♪ Get on my knees and pray ♪

♪ My heart beats strong as rock ♪

♪ My blood runs cold and hot ♪

♪ My eyes see what you got ♪

♪ Get on my knees and pray... ♪

[Lucifer whistles]

Daniel.

[helicopter hovering]

Guy's name is J.D. Woodstock.

He lived right around the corner.
Neighbors said he was pretty quiet.

Unemployed, but we found this on him.

Huh.

[police siren wailing]

So what are these, jokes?

A charitable description, Detective.

"Avocado, how about Avoca-don't?"

Would it be rude
to throw tomatoes at a corpse?

Looks like he was a struggling comedian.

Trying to figure out
if he performed anywhere.

What did he do?
Make fun of the wrong person?

Get into a fight with an audience member?

It's worth exploring at least.

You know, there are
a lot of insult comics out there,

and not everybody enjoys being mocked.

[sarcastically] Hmm, we should listen
to Daniel, actually.

He's got a unique insight into this case.

-What's he talking about?
-Well, they're kindred spirits.

A fellow broken soul who puts the most

embarrassing parts of his life on display
for his audience for an easy laugh.

-[Lucifer chuckles]
-He does stand-up. I do improv.

-They're completely different things.
-Oh.

Improv is all about "Yes, and..."

Stand-up, well, that's
about telling jokes--

I regret starting
this entire conversation.

[Chloe] Wait, excuse me, Dan.

You do improv?

How did I not know that? And how did he?

That's a funny story actually--

Actually, it's because
I don't tell a lot of people.

-Why?
-Hey, Ella.

How's it going? What'd you find?

Well, no murder weapon,
but I did find three shell casings.

Running ballistics on them now.

But based on the firing pattern,

I think this dude was tortured
before he finally died.

Oh. Well, congratulations, Mr. Woodstock.

At least someone cared enough
about your jokes to...

[Ella] Did you say Woodstock?

As in J.D. Woodstock?

Yeah. Why, you know him?

Yeah, he made big news
a couple of days ago

claiming Bobby Lowe stole his jokes.

And who is Bobby Lowe?

A rival comedian who hates himself
so much he stole this drivel?

Uh, no.

Open your eyes, pal.

Yeah, J.D. claimed that Bobby's show
was based on his own material.

And that he could prove it.

Which is impossible
because Bobby Lowe Show

is all about his life.

What, so you're saying
that this giant-headed buffoon

stole our poor victim's ideas,

his life's work,
and built a business out of it?

Hmm, so now he's a "poor victim."

I know you don't believe me, Detective,

but I happen to going through
something quite similar,

so if I can't get my own justice,

I'm going to get it
for this poor unfunny soul.

Well, I certainly did want you
to focus on this case,

but be careful what you wish for.

-[Dan laughs]
-At least the lieutenant isn't here.

[Chloe] You know, if you keep saying
crazy things around him,

who knows what he might do?

[Lucifer] Right. When have I ever
cared about that, Detective?

[Chloe sighs] It's true.

[Dan] Let's have a look at this...
[Chloe] All right.

[Lucifer] Sneaky, Daniel. Sneaky.

[theme music playing]

[J.D.] I sweated over every joke,

worked my ass off for months,

and Bobby stole it all
like it was nothing.

Created a show based on my jokes!

Well, Bobby, guess what?

I finally found it.

Proof you're a fraud.

And I'm going to show it to the world.

Well, which of these boxes
do I click on for the proof?

None. He posted this video
the day before he died.

And we can't find whatever proof
he claimed to have had.

So that's why J.D. was tortured,

so the killer could find and destroy it.

[Ella chuckling] Or he's a liar.

Huh? I'm not sure who said that.

But I totally agree with them.

Bobby Lowe would never
do something like that.

-Why do you say that?
-Because,

Bobby's show is so personal.

It's so authentic.
There's no way that you could fake it.

Right. Don't listen to her.
The man is clearly a thief.

Let's go give him a good throttling.

[Chloe] I'm leaning towards
just talking to him.

And then throttling. I suppose
a little foreplay never hurt anyone.

Wait, wait. You guys are gonna go talk
to him, like right now, this second?

Yeah. Why?

Maybe I should go with.

You know, to collect the evidence.

-Right. Well, if he's innocent...
-He's not innocent.

If he's innocent, then there won't be
any evidence to collect,

so probably better if you hang here.

Yeah, I see what you're saying there,

but I just think, to be safe,

I should collect
as much stuff as possible.

You know, fingerprints,
a lock of hair, an autograph.

Right.

To be safe.

Okay. To be safe.

[whispering excitedly] Yeah.

[rock music playing]

♪ Lipstick stuck on ♪

♪ High heels sharpened ♪

♪ Eyes lined, it's on ♪

♪ Think it's time to get my rock on... ♪

Hey.

Yeah. Thanks for meeting me, Amenadiel.

Is there a shorter version of that?

Does anyone ever call you "Amen"?

-Probably not.
-Oh, you would be the first.

[chuckling]

So, Linda, what's going on?

Um, I just wanted to say thank you.

For saving my life.

Maze is the one who saved your life.

And I thanked her so much
I think she's avoiding me now.

But I wouldn't be here without you, too.

I didn't do anything.

Other than miraculously slowing down time

so that I didn't bleed to death.

Well, other than that.

How are you really doing, by the way?

I'm fine.

You have your powers back.

That must be exciting.

Hmm.

Um, not exactly.

They haven't worked since that day.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Ah, don't be. I think it's just my father
testing me again.

But this time, Linda, I'm ready.

How's he testing you?

Do you have to fight someone?

Solve advanced math problems?

Well, if I'm right,

there's something I need to do
in the penthouse and, uh...

I've been avoiding it.

Well, you helped me.

Why don't you let me help you with...

whatever this is?

-Unless it's math.
-Oh, it's not math.

Then I'm sure I can handle it.

Oh.

Severed angel wings in a closet.

Of course.

Totally handle-able.

My irresponsible brother left them here

for any half-drunk human to stumble on to.

Proof of the divine
just left on the floor, like...

like used laundry.

For some reason,

I imagined they just magically
disappeared when he cut them off.

But this...

-Yeah, this is gruesome.
-Mmm-hmm.

You know where the garbage bags are?

Hi, Lieutenant.

I just wanted to come by and talk.

Kind of feel like we got off
on the wrong foot.

I'm pretty sure we're
on exactly the foot I want to be on.

I'm not a bad guy.

And I'm not a dirty cop.

So you didn't check a gun out of evidence
that was used to commit a crime?

[gulps] I mean... Yes.

At least it wasn't a homicide, right?

Well, it, um... [clears throat]

-I... I was...
-Stop.

I was going to string this along,
but it's already a little too sad for me.

I'm actually glad you came in.

[sighs] Really?

I want all the intel that you gathered
on Lucifer.

Why would I have any intel on Lucifer?

Because when he
first started working with Decker

you were still married to her.

And I'm guessing you broke the rules
and dug up everything you could on him.

[laughs nervously]

I didn't. I mean... Yeah.

-I did.
-Yeah.

I'd like it all on my desk in an hour.

Biggest cock I've ever seen.

Oh, whoa, whoa, excuse me, guys,
you guys can't be back here.

-We're looking for--
-Bobby Lowe!

Right.

No, no. Oh, my God, please no.
He doesn't like visitors.

[squeals] Please, I can't get fired.

[Ella] Oh, my God, it's really Bobby Lowe.

-What did I say?
-I'm sorry.

No eye contact,

no green Skittles in my candy jar

and no guests!

I'm Detective Chloe Decker, LAPD.

We want to talk to you
about the murder of J.D. Woodstock.

Why are you stopping?

Show starts in five minutes, honey.
Chop, chop.

Oh, my God, he just called her "honey."
So sweet.

Is this about that stupid podcast?

You really think I stole jokes? Me?

-Very much so, yes.
-Of course not.

What I think is
I'd like to explore his accusations

starting with where you were when he died.

[sighs]

You know why people accuse others
of stealing material?

Because the others are thieves?

Because they're failures.

And instead of facing that,

they blame successful people like me.

How dare you?

They're ready for you, Bobby.

Look, some of us
have important work to do.

Like entertaining America.

If you'd like to see how it's done,

take a seat.

Charming.

I can't believe it.

He invited us to a taping.

-[audience applauding]
-[announcer] Are you ready to laugh?

Wait, what? I can't hear you guys!

Come on, I bribed you with t-shirts,

I phoned in all my best jokes.
What more do you want?

-Oh, yeah, more t-shirts!
-[audience applauding]

All right, let's try that again.

-Are you ready to laugh?
-Look what I got!

All right, guys,

-let's start the show.
-[upbeat music playing]

Yeah!

Look at him. There he is, there he is.

[audience applauding]

Well, that was the worst date
of my entire life.

Oh, come on now, Bobby,

-I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
-[audience laughing]

[Bobby] She left before we got dessert.

[puppet] But dessert's the best part
of the meal, Bobby.

[audience applauding]

Well, on the upside,

you have been trying to lose weight.

-Yup.
-[Chloe laughing loudly]

I didn't say I left before dessert.

This is what the arrogant fraud
is so proud of?

Sshh!

Wait, what's this show about?

Those are his imaginary friends.

They help him deal with his insecurities.

-We've all been there, right?
-Right.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Time out.

Excuse me. [chuckles] Sorry.

You stole a dead man's work

and turned it into this?

Get lost, Fraggle Rock.

-What do you think you're doing, man?
-Stealing your show.

Which only seems fair
as you stole it first.

Hey, mind your own business, Doctor Who.

"Pip, pip" out of here.

-[audience laughing]
-Doctor... Don't laugh.

-[screaming]
-Oh, jeez.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Right, what have you got
to say for yourself? Beat it, Handy!

I'm not talking to you.
You get the hell out of my set, man!

Okay. Okay, fine, don't talk to me.

Let's have a chat with
one of your old friends, shall we?

Don't touch those puppets.

Does anyone work here?

Ah, here we go.

-All right. This one's good.
-No, no, [stammers] put that down.

[gruffly] What? Jealous someone else
has their hand up my butt?

Actually this apparatus
is more difficult than I first thought.

Seriously, put it down.

Ah, here's the trigger.
Right. Where was I? You...

-[gun fires]
-[audience gasps]

[audience screaming]

Uh... [chuckles]

Uh, don't worry, everyone.

There's just a gun
stashed inside the puppet.

Lucifer, put the gun down.

Right, yes.

Well, at least no one was hurt.

[audience screaming]

Oh. [exhales]

He did it.

Are you insane? You could have killed him.

Me? I'm not the one
who hid a gun up a puppet's backside.

Or have all the puppets got guns in them?
If so, set my DVR.

No, we never use that puppet.

It was my imaginary friend's
imaginary friend.

-The character didn't land.
-[Lucifer] I wonder why.

So you hid a gun in it?

I didn't think some lunatic
was going to try to kill me with it.

-Oh, it's just a flesh wound.
-And you admit that it's your gun?

Yeah.

Ah! I see. So you killed our poor victim,

ran back to work,
and cased it in an old puppet.

[Ella] Not the murder weapon.

This is a .380
and the murderer used a 9-millimeter.

All that means is that
he hid his other gun somewhere else.

So come on.
Prostate exams for all the puppets.

-Lucifer.
-I don't have another gun.

I didn't kill J.D.

I don't believe you.

You're a thief. You took everything
J.D. had, even his life.

So come on, what more
could you possibly desire?

I want out of this hell.

Every day I come to work

and I tell stupid jokes
with puppets. Puppets!

[woman] Bobby.

What are you saying? This is a dream gig.

It's a nightmare!

-You know what the biggest joke is?
-You?

Me! [breathes heavily]

It's no fun when they torture themselves.

And now that J.D. is dead,
I'm never getting out of here!

What do you mean?

He was telling the truth.

I stole his act.

I based the show on it.

[Lucifer sighs]

But I defended you.

J'accuse, Bobby Lowe, j'accuse.

If you wanted out of the job so bad,
why didn't you just admit it and quit?

Golden handcuffs.

If I quit, I lose all the money.

And I really like the money.

And if J.D. revealed that you were

stealing his act and they fire you...

I get a golden parachute instead.

Which is why I had to keep up appearances,
not let anyone know the truth.

-Why hide the gun on set?
-Yeah.

Because I was getting death threats.

Someone's pissed, claiming
all my jokes are about him.

Jokes that you stole
like the thief that you are.

It's a bit strong, Miss Lopez.

Yeah.

Any idea who was making these threats?

It came from an anonymous email.

But like I said, I stole the jokes.

The only person who knows
who they're about...

Is the dead guy.

-Yeah.
-Great.

I'm going to need those emails.

[whispers] All right.

God.

This must be so painful.

Cutting off a piece of yourself
over and over.

Lucifer made it seem like
no big deal. But...

ouch.

We all have pain that we hide, Linda.

That we're just not ready
to share with the world.

That's very true.

How do you know it's a test?

Because I'm faced with
having to dispose of

the one thing
that I so desperately want back.

Could just be really bad luck.

No, my father always has a plan.

I don't doubt that anymore.

Seems awfully cruel.

Well, if it were easy,

it wouldn't be much of a test. Would it?

[Lucifer] "I know what you're doing.
Stop making fun of me,

"or else I'm going to stab you."

[Chloe] "I know you're making fun of me.

"Stop or I'll kill you."

Dreadfully unoriginal, aren't they?

Looks like the threats stopped
last week after J.D. posted his video.

So you think the killer saw it

and then realized he'd been threatening
the wrong comedian the entire time.

And then killed J.D. after he realized

he was the guy actually making fun of him.

Seems possible.

So what's the joke that
he's so angry about?

Did your killer have any
funny imaginary friends?

No. That happened later.

I did some research,

-and originally the show was much edgier.
-Hmm?

About a guy dealing with
his insecurities about his, um...

Well, I really don't want to tell you.

Oh, well now I need to know.

Dealing with his insecurities
about his micropenis.

Right, well.

Hold me closer, tiny dongis.

Are you saying we're looking
for a needle in a penis-stack.

See, this is why
I didn't want to tell you.

Anyhow, after it became a family show,

the micropenis got removed.

Did anyone even notice? [chuckling]

Okay.

Okay, just go to town.

Get them all out of your system.

What?

Well, perhaps we should
consider this case closed.

Excuse me?

Well, we thought Bobby stole a joke,

but in actual fact, our deceased
stole this man's very essence.

I mean, his tiny
microscopic essence, sure,

but his essence nonetheless.

So in actual fact, I think
our killer is the victim here.

Yeah, that's actually not how it works.

We still need to find our killer.

I'll get these to cyber.

See if they can trace an IP.

[sighs]

What? No. Not cinnamon.

Sinnerman. He's not a spice, Maze.

Well, yes, I know
you have a hectic schedule,

but surely you can find time
to track him down for me.

Right, stop pretending
the call is cutting out, Maze.

I taught you that trick.

Maze.

Mazikeen!

[sighs] Oh.

What?

[lieutenant] Lucifer Morningstar.

I figured out what you really are.

So, it's come to this, has it?

Finally, someone
in the police department realizes

I am exactly what I say I am,

the devil himself. [laughs]

I'm surprised it's taken you this long.

I have no idea why you prance around
and call yourself the devil.

Prance?

This is about the Sinnerman.

Right. I see what's happening here.

A mysterious figure handing out favors,

probably dashing and handsome.

You think I'm the Sinnerman.

-The truth is...
-You're not the Sinnerman.

He's smart and calculating.

You don't know me.
Maybe I am the Sinnerman.

Surprise!

No, I followed you
and looked into your history.

You're impulsive and short-fused.

I am not.

Very well. What is it,
that you think I am?

An idiot.

So what, you broke into my apartment
just to insult me?

You could have waited
till I was in the office.

No, I came here to warn you.

I know you're looking into him,
but you have no idea what you're doing.

The Sinnerman is not a myth.

Very aware of that already, thank you.

It's not a name to throw around.

Not even at the precinct.

That's why I came here to talk.

He's that dangerous.

So am I.

Maybe so.

Either way, you need to know
who you're dealing with.

I butted heads with him in Chicago.

Did not end well.

Then what? You ran here
with your tail between your legs?

-I did, yeah.
-Oh.

He killed someone. Close to me.

Really damn close.

I don't want what happened to me
happen to anyone else, even you.

You need to be careful.

He stole from me, Lieutenant,
and I won't stand for it.

-You're not listening.
-Yes, I am.

Now you listen to me.

You can keep your head buried
in the sand if you want to,

but I go mano-a-Sinnermano. All right?

I've got this.

[sighs]

[traffic buzzing]

[Linda] So...

compost, recycling?

I've never had to dispose of
pieces of divinity before.

Waste.

I thought this would be a little more...

reverential, less angel wing
dumpster fire.

Should we say something?

I feel like we should say something.

What do you want me to say here, Linda?

I didn't choose this test.

I don't even know
if this really is a test.

I mean, maybe I'm just
torturing myself here.

But if Lucifer wants to treat his wings
like trash,

then trash they shall be.

Even if it pains me in my very soul.

I don't think Lucifer knows
how much this hurts you.

He never does.

Even though he doesn't realize it,

everything he does
seems designed to hurt me.

To test you?

Wow.

You're right.

It's been right in front of my face
all along.

My test is Lucifer.
It's always been Lucifer.

You're very wise, Linda.

Thanks, Amen.

-Hmm.
-Yeah, it doesn't work, does it?

[rock music playing]

I had a rather illuminating conversation
with our new lieutenant last night.

-What did you do?
-Nothing. Yet.

He warned me
not to talk about the Sinnerman.

Yeah, he's right.

You sound crazy... er.

No, he actually knows--

Cyber tracked all the emails
to the same IP address.

A comedy club on Sunset
called Laugh Maker.

So do we think he works there?

Maybe. The emails were always sent
Thursday nights at 8:00 p.m.

Well, that's when Bobby's show aired.

So it makes sense that
that could set him off.

That's also when they have open mic night,

so it could be any one of the comedians
performing, too.

Or a die-hard fan.

Either way, they're consistent.

It would make sense that the killer
could be at the next open mic night.

Which is tonight.

-So how do we draw him out?
-[Lucifer] Easy.

Arrest everyone in the club
and pull their pants down.

Tiniest weenie wins, for once.

Or, our guy's clearly sensitive, right?

Why don't we use that to flush him out?

What, get someone on stage
that will really piss him off?

Yeah, that could work.

I think we all know
the perfect man for that job.

-[audience applauding]
-[announcer] All right,

please welcome to the stage
for the first time

the devilishly handsome

-Dan Espinoza.
-[audience applauding]

Remember "Yes, and," Daniel.

[Lucifer chuckling]

Hi, everybody.

[woman] Hey, hi.

[clears throat]

So, uh... [laughs nervously]

[Dan clears throat]

Uh, I have a friend

and he's got a tiny penis.

Uh, a micropenis.

In fact, his penis is so tiny,

it's not even a micropenis.
It's an atomic penis.

[Dan laughing]

Because atoms are small.

Not because it explodes.

-His penis is so small...
-[Lucifer booing]

It's a medical condition, you monster.

[audience laughing]

-Lucifer--
-Can't stop, won't stop.

-This is much too fun, Detective.
-No, no. Keep going.

-I want you to keep going.
-Copy that.

-[Dan laughs nervously] Anyways--
-So what...

Next you're going to tell us
that his willie's so small

that when he wants to have sex
he needs to call out a search party?

-[audience laughing]
-Or that his wee-nis is so small

it looks like his testicles are giving
the tiniest thumbs up?

Shame on you for mocking
the poorly endowed.

Oh, hold on.

Maybe there's no friend at all,

and you're the one with the baby carrot?

What? No.

No, [stammers] I don't have a micropenis.

I mean, not that there's
anything wrong with having one.

Come on, now's your chance.

Show the world
your teeny-tiny, itty-bitty baby arm.

[audience laughs]

-I don't have a tiny-teeny--
-It's okay!

We accept you for your minuscule manhood.

I don't have a tiny--

-Lucifer...
-What? You didn't bring any?

Get off!

-Or show us your nubbin! Hmm?
-[audience laughs]

-[man] Yeah!
-Yeah!

Oh, lovely.

What the hell was that, man?

You undermined the entire sting.

Well, I'd argue you undermined it
with your botched attempt at humor.

All I did was throw a drowning man
a tomato.

Oh, what are the chances?

I didn't even wanna do this
to begin with.

And I told you, stand up and improv
are completely different.

And why didn't you stop him?

Because I realized the killer
might seek out a sympathetic voice.

-Hmm.
-He wasn't sympathetic.

He just used it as an excuse
to tell even more micropenis jokes.

There is no way
anyone's gonna appreciate that.

[man] Hey, man,

I just, uh, want to say,

really appreciate you saying what you did.

Huh. Oh.

Absolutely no problem at all.

I mean, someone has to stand up
for the little guy.

-Am I right?
-Yeah.

Hearing stuff like that, it just...

makes you wanna murder someone,
doesn't it?

-Sure does.
-[Lucifer scoffs]

Well done, Detective.

Right, just to be sure,

shall I pull his pants down,
or do you want the honors?

You're gonna do what?

-Follow me.
-What?

-Come on.
-I...

I don't understand.

-Having a micropenis isn't a crime.
-[chuckles]

So, you didn't send threatening emails
to Bobby Lowe?

No, I did.

Back when Bobby was nobody,
I toured with him,

and that's when I figured
he heard about my condition.

Um, how would he have heard about that?

All the chucklebunnies talk.

The what?

Chicks who like to have sex
with comedians.

Oh, there's a term for that?

Oh, I should get a term. "Devilbunnies."

Ooh, no, Lucifans.

-Can you please...
-Or not.

One in particular I told some stories,
and then

I heard them as part of Bobby's set.

So, then you started threatening him?

I was blowing off steam.

Okay? Every time that stupid show aired,
it was like a punch in the gut.

And then you found out
that J.D. was writing the jokes.

And justifiably murdered him?

I forgave him.

What?

He stole your life story
and profited from it.

Why would you forgive him?

I don't mind a fellow struggling comic
busting balls.

It's when a millionaire
starts punching down that I get pissed.

And that good-looking jerk from the club.

What? Who is he talking about?

Dan.

Oh! Right. Are you sure?

Besides, J.D.'s life was pretty sad.

I mean, I think his last gig
was a barbeque.

He even made up this sad story
about a warm-up comic

wanting to meet with him about a gig.

-As if that would happen.
-[Lucifer] Why?

Is telling bad jokes
before even worse jokes a coveted gig?

You kidding? You work an hour a day
and clear six figures.

Not to mention, you'd probably get
a role on the show at some point.

Really?

Do you remember the name
of the warm-up comedian?

Uh, Shelly, maybe, or...

-Sheila?
-Yeah, that was it.

Do you know her?

-We're done here.
-What?

Detective, what did I miss? Who's Sheila?

Sheila's the name of Bobby Lowe's
warm-up comedian.

Right.

[Lucifer] Detective, are you sure
that Sheila's here?

Her roommate said that she'd be here
working on new jokes. So...

[exhales] I still don't understand.

She seemed devastated when
Bobby said he was a joke thief.

Well, maybe she's not pissed off
about the theft.

What? Well, then...

What else would she be angry about?

[exhales] Let's find out.

Okay.

[exhales sharply] As if these puppets
weren't creepy enough.

Hello?

Anyone here?

[Chloe] Hello?

Lucifer?

-[growls]
-[gasps]

[in ghostly voice] Hello, Detective.

[laughs] I'm sorry.

Well, don't worry. At least I don't have
a gun up my bum.

If you're not gonna take this seriously,

then you wait here for me.

Okay.

Okay.

Hello?

Anyone here?

[groaning]

[coughs]

[groaning continues]

[panting]

[stammers] What's going on?
Is she still here?

Who is she?

Sheila? Did she do this to you?

I told her I was gonna quit,

and she freaked out on me
and started screaming about everything

she'd done for me,
but I can't take it anymore.

-My craft--
-Okay, midlife crisis later.

-How long ago?
-Few minutes, maybe.

We heard you come in.

And she hit me with the butt of her...

Of her gun, in the face.

She has a gun?

[stammers] Did you hear me?

I said in the face.
This is my money maker!

Am I okay?

Lucifer, she's here!

She's armed!

-Why did you do it, Sheila?
-[pants]

Get out of the way.

I'm getting out of here.

Once you answer my question,
I'll gladly let you pass.

Why kill and torture a man
for this pretentious hack?

Do you know how hard it is
to crawl out of the stand-up world

and get a gig like this?

[Lucifer] But he's a fellow comedian.

Why would you kill for someone who

stole jokes from one of your own?

So he stole material.

Hell, he stole half my set too. Who cares?

[Lucifer] You should.

It's yours.

One might say, your very identity.

Jokes don't make a comedian.

Everyone has an itchy butt joke.

It's all about what you do with it.

-What you do with your itchy butt?
-With the joke!

[Lucifer] So...

What you're saying is

it's okay to steal someone's work

as long as you do it better?

And take me with you? Hell, yeah, it is.

-Oh.
-Now,

if you don't get out of my way,

I swear-- [gasps]

[sighs]

Excellent work, Detective.

Okay.

So, how do we get her down from here?

Daniel?

You're not gonna throw
a tomato at me, are you?

Oh, come now, Daniel.

I only did that for the good of the case.

Also, I ran out.

But more importantly,

did you text me to come here?

I didn't recognize the number
so I assumed it was you.

You didn't save my number?

[lieutenant] It was me.

Too much hard work to break into
my penthouse again for a heart to heart?

I did some digging, and you're right,
the Sinnerman is here in LA.

Oh. Right.

And you're not gonna take
my advice from last night?

Most definitely not.

I thought so.

You brought the Sinnerman's
murderous thug in.

[lieutenant] He's all yours.

I couldn't get anything out of him.
Maybe you can.

Right, so what is this,
you passing the baton?

-Where are you running off to next?
-Nowhere. I'm seeing this through.

But you need to shut your damn mouth
about the Sinnerman.

We need to play this carefully.

Just keep it between us.

The less people who know about it,
the less chance anyone gets hurt.

But the detective...

Has a kid.

She stays out of it.

[exhales] Very well.

Hello, Alonzo.

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

I know the Sinnerman had you skewer
Sam under the pier,

so tell me everything.

Who the hell is the Sinnerman?

Fine.

Fine, let's play a little game, shall we?

Look at me.

Tell me...

Why did you really desire Sam's death?

I didn't want my girl
to sleep with him anymore.

-And?
-And, that's it.

I got pissed.

Went medieval on his ass
to send a message.

No one touches my girl.

And what about the Sinnerman?

Man, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

You must know. Come on, Alonzo,
what about the Sinnerman?

I don't know.

You must know!

I don't know anything, I swear.

I believe you.

[Lucifer] He was telling the truth.

I mean, maybe

the Sinnerman manipulated Alonzo
without him realizing it.

Or perhaps he was just a deranged fellow

who thought
impaling a rival lover to death

was the way to his girl's heart.

It's a bit old-fashioned, really.

Lucifer, I want to talk about your wings.

Oh, bloody hell, they're not out again...

So they grew back?

They did, this morning.

Sneaky buggers.

You can't keep doing this to yourself.

-Oh, I agree.
-You do?

Yes, it's getting exhausting.
And quite messy.

No, I need a new solution.

Maybe I should hire someone to do it.

Or maybe

your solution is to accept

that for now you have wings again.

What? And let Dad win?

Or whoever it bloody is.

I don't think so.

It's easy to let
external factors define us.

Especially the traumatic ones.

But only if we let them.

We all have itchy butts.

Excuse me?

No, it's just something a woman said to me

right before I punched her in the face.

It's not about the idea,
it's about the execution.

It's about how I use the wings.

That's actually pretty wise.

Yeah. So, I'll just tuck them away
and pretend they don't exist.

Less good.

Someone else is giving favors, who cares?

I'm Lucifer bloody Morningstar.

I do favors better than anyone else.

Amongst other things, of course.

Or at least I used to.

And I think that maybe

it's about time I got back in the game.

[rock music playing]

♪ Please me ♪

♪ Won't you ever please me ♪

♪ You don't give me the faith
And I reel ♪

♪ There's a rift with a stone ♪

Hello.

So, tell me...

What is it that you truly desire?

Hmm?

[theme music playing]