All language subtitles for Archer 2009 S07E09 Deadly Velvet Part One 1080p WEB-DL DD5 1 H 264-BS (1)_track3_[eng]
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1
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:03,019
[malory]
now, then, mr. Crane,
2
00:00:03,021 --> 00:00:05,922
Tell us what the archer agency
can do for you.
3
00:00:05,924 --> 00:00:07,523
Well, I--
excuse me.
4
00:00:07,525 --> 00:00:09,358
It's the figgis agency.
5
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,861
Cyril, please!
Stop interrupting.
6
00:00:11,863 --> 00:00:14,697
Now, mr. Crane,
how can we help you?
7
00:00:14,699 --> 00:00:18,601
Well, I'm afraid that someone,
or someones,
8
00:00:18,603 --> 00:00:21,537
Is trying to sabotage my
latest picture,
deadly velvet.
9
00:00:21,539 --> 00:00:23,039
[door opens, shoes scuffle]
10
00:00:23,041 --> 00:00:24,707
[chuckling]
you mean besides the critics?
11
00:00:24,709 --> 00:00:27,043
Huh? We're still
in production.
12
00:00:27,045 --> 00:00:29,612
It's a joke.
Lighten up, fritz lang.
13
00:00:29,614 --> 00:00:33,082
[clears throat]
and what makes you
suspect sabotage?
14
00:00:33,084 --> 00:00:35,217
Well, as lana can confirm--
15
00:00:35,219 --> 00:00:37,553
Oh-ho-ho,
so now it's "lana"?
16
00:00:37,555 --> 00:00:40,790
Uh, miss kane, rather,
who, as you know,
17
00:00:40,792 --> 00:00:44,894
Has recently begun
working on the picture
as a technical advisor.
18
00:00:44,896 --> 00:00:48,264
There's already been
three accidents on-set
which were pretty suspicious.
19
00:00:48,266 --> 00:00:50,266
A fire,
a camera crane collapsed--
20
00:00:50,268 --> 00:00:52,134
Narrowly missing
several crew members.
21
00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:54,136
And yesterday,
there was some kind
of malfunction
22
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,404
With a stuntman's airbag.
23
00:00:55,406 --> 00:00:57,940
That poor devil
may be paralyzed.
24
00:00:57,942 --> 00:01:00,276
Well, it certainly sounds
suspicious.
25
00:01:00,278 --> 00:01:02,979
But why come to us?
Why not the police?
26
00:01:02,981 --> 00:01:04,914
I--
I don't know, cyril.
27
00:01:04,916 --> 00:01:06,949
Maybe he wanted
to be interrupted
every five seconds.
28
00:01:06,951 --> 00:01:08,584
I don't, actually.
29
00:01:08,586 --> 00:01:10,252
And ellis doesn't want
the police involved.
30
00:01:10,254 --> 00:01:12,088
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
So now it's "ellis"?
31
00:01:12,090 --> 00:01:13,089
Yes, archer.
It's ellis.
32
00:01:13,091 --> 00:01:14,423
And lana.
33
00:01:14,425 --> 00:01:16,092
He and I are on
a first-name basis,
34
00:01:16,094 --> 00:01:18,294
Whereas you and I
are on a break!
35
00:01:18,296 --> 00:01:20,162
Yeah, how you holdin' up?
36
00:01:20,164 --> 00:01:22,298
Pff.
I'll take that as a "barely."
37
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,833
Take it however you want.
38
00:01:23,835 --> 00:01:25,134
Already did, so...
39
00:01:25,136 --> 00:01:27,303
Could we--
cyril, I swear to god--
40
00:01:27,305 --> 00:01:30,439
Malory!
Ellis wants to hire the agency
to go undercover on the set.
41
00:01:30,441 --> 00:01:31,607
[gasps]
ooh.
42
00:01:31,609 --> 00:01:33,776
You could pose
as technical advisor.
43
00:01:33,778 --> 00:01:35,277
I already am.
44
00:01:35,279 --> 00:01:37,613
Posing.
The technical advisor.
45
00:01:37,615 --> 00:01:40,950
And if someone is trying
to sabotage the movie,
our job is to catch them.
46
00:01:40,952 --> 00:01:42,518
Discreetly.
47
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,454
If the insurance company
pulls the bond or, god forbid,
48
00:01:45,456 --> 00:01:47,456
My investors back out,
I'll be ruined!
49
00:01:47,458 --> 00:01:50,659
Don't worry, mr. Crane.
We won't let that happen.
50
00:01:50,661 --> 00:01:51,994
Put your faith in us.
51
00:01:51,996 --> 00:01:54,663
[groans]
I'm afraid I must.
52
00:01:54,665 --> 00:01:56,332
We'll see you there
this afternoon.
53
00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:58,534
Ellis, should we get back
to the set?
54
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:01,470
Meh?
Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh?
55
00:02:01,472 --> 00:02:02,972
[sighs]
56
00:02:02,974 --> 00:02:06,709
And, uh,
how are you holding up?
Pff.
57
00:02:06,711 --> 00:02:08,511
All right, listen up.
58
00:02:08,513 --> 00:02:12,148
As much as I hate--
hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate
59
00:02:12,150 --> 00:02:14,683
To do this,
a movie set is huge,
60
00:02:14,685 --> 00:02:17,486
So we're going to need
all of you to go undercover,
so--
61
00:02:17,488 --> 00:02:19,488
Yay!
Oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god!
62
00:02:19,490 --> 00:02:23,225
[groans]
so try to act
like professionals.
63
00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:26,028
Professional whats?
What do we have to do,
more work?
64
00:02:26,030 --> 00:02:30,900
Well, I've tried to match
the various production
departments to your skill sets,
65
00:02:30,902 --> 00:02:33,669
Such as they are,
so cyril-- accounting.
66
00:02:33,671 --> 00:02:35,171
Get into those books.
67
00:02:35,173 --> 00:02:36,839
Find out who could benefit
from cost overruns
68
00:02:36,841 --> 00:02:38,674
Or delays in production.
69
00:02:38,676 --> 00:02:41,510
And that is exactly
what I was going to tell myself
to do, so--
70
00:02:41,512 --> 00:02:42,912
Pam-- craft services.
71
00:02:42,914 --> 00:02:44,213
Goddamn it.
72
00:02:44,215 --> 00:02:46,415
Wh-- I'm the one
who knows macramé.
73
00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,884
And you're also
babysitting carol.
74
00:02:48,886 --> 00:02:51,087
Wh-- why do I need
a babysitter?
75
00:02:51,089 --> 00:02:52,888
Because they've already
had one fire.
76
00:02:52,890 --> 00:02:55,091
[sighs]
then why not
just leave her here?
77
00:02:55,093 --> 00:02:56,559
Because we've already
had one fire.
78
00:02:56,561 --> 00:02:58,227
Now, then, gillette--
79
00:02:58,229 --> 00:02:59,528
Hair and makeup, hair
and makeup, hair and makeup,
80
00:02:59,530 --> 00:03:00,763
Hair and makeup,
hair and makeup!
81
00:03:00,765 --> 00:03:01,931
Finished?
82
00:03:01,933 --> 00:03:03,532
Yes.
Grip.
83
00:03:03,534 --> 00:03:04,867
Goddamn it!
84
00:03:04,869 --> 00:03:06,368
Ooh, what about me?
What about me?
85
00:03:06,370 --> 00:03:09,538
Oh, you just sort of
skulk around.
86
00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:11,207
Oh, I will.
87
00:03:11,209 --> 00:03:14,376
And I shall pose
as an executive producer,
88
00:03:14,378 --> 00:03:16,245
Which leaves sterling.
89
00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:19,248
Yeah, it leaves him right here
'cause I'll be damned
90
00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:22,118
If I'm helping lana's
new pretend boyfriend
make a movie.
91
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,054
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, well--
92
00:03:25,056 --> 00:03:26,956
Krieger, I suppose you'll
just have to be
93
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:28,724
Veronica deane's new bodyguard.
94
00:03:28,726 --> 00:03:29,758
[gasps]
95
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,560
[car horn blowing]
96
00:03:31,562 --> 00:03:32,795
Let's go, you dumb idiots.
97
00:03:32,797 --> 00:03:34,263
Well, one of you, anyway.
98
00:03:34,265 --> 00:03:36,298
The rest of you,
I guess maybe carpool.
99
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,567
Luigi won't let anybody
ride in the cab.
100
00:03:38,569 --> 00:03:40,803
I mean, unless
you're down for road head.
101
00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,571
Shotgun!
102
00:03:42,573 --> 00:03:44,807
♪ [theme]
103
00:04:21,645 --> 00:04:23,345
[pam]
♪ lunch, hot lunch!
104
00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:25,347
♪ you get it from
hot lunch pam ♪
105
00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:27,116
♪ hot lunch!
106
00:04:27,118 --> 00:04:28,517
[carol]
okay. Jesus,
why are you in such
107
00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:30,452
An obnoxiously good mood?
108
00:04:30,454 --> 00:04:32,121
Because that crazy dago
109
00:04:32,123 --> 00:04:33,622
Let me drive the truck,
110
00:04:33,624 --> 00:04:36,025
So I was the road head-ee.
111
00:04:36,027 --> 00:04:38,027
Yeah. Win for you.
112
00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:41,163
Yep. Just one of the many perks
of having a c.D.L.
113
00:04:41,165 --> 00:04:42,498
What's a c.D.L.?
114
00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:44,533
Commercial driver's license.
115
00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:47,703
And also a [bleep].
116
00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,705
Ugh! You are so gross.
117
00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,473
[chuckling]
that's what he said.
118
00:04:51,475 --> 00:04:53,042
But in italian.
119
00:04:53,044 --> 00:04:54,476
Who said what in italian?
120
00:04:54,478 --> 00:04:55,678
Don't ask. You'll gag.
121
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,980
I thought maybe you dopes
had stumbled
122
00:04:57,982 --> 00:05:00,049
Onto some sort of
mafia shakedown.
123
00:05:00,051 --> 00:05:01,650
We've been here, like,
four minutes.
124
00:05:01,652 --> 00:05:03,652
Well?
Anything suspicious so far?
125
00:05:03,654 --> 00:05:05,054
Uh, just you?
126
00:05:05,056 --> 00:05:08,023
What, I'm a flamboyant
hollywood producer.
127
00:05:08,025 --> 00:05:09,325
Not the world's
tiniest drag queen?
128
00:05:09,327 --> 00:05:10,659
What?
129
00:05:10,661 --> 00:05:12,328
I said
we'll keep you updated.
130
00:05:12,330 --> 00:05:14,129
Well, you'd better,
missy.
131
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,833
Holy shit,
did she just eat a grape?
132
00:05:17,835 --> 00:05:19,268
Must be her cheat day.
133
00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:22,338
[archer]
man, it really looks
like the '40s.
134
00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:23,839
This is weird, right?
135
00:05:23,841 --> 00:05:26,008
Like the time
star trek
went to chicago.
136
00:05:26,010 --> 00:05:29,745
Or nazi germany,
for whatever idiot reason.
Archer?
137
00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:32,248
Shapiro?
What are you doing here?
138
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:33,415
Protecting my client
139
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:35,551
With my colleagues,
smith & wesson.
140
00:05:35,553 --> 00:05:37,920
Oh, really, 'cause I'd like
to meet those guys.
What are you--
141
00:05:37,922 --> 00:05:39,255
No, no, no!
Come on, stop.
142
00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:40,856
First of all,
not a smith & wesson.
143
00:05:40,858 --> 00:05:42,925
I know, but I was going
for the whole--
144
00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:44,093
Second of all, this.
145
00:05:44,095 --> 00:05:45,361
No, no, no, no, no.
146
00:05:45,363 --> 00:05:46,662
[gun clatters]
147
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,365
Goddamn it.
148
00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:51,367
What the hell, man?
I needed that.
149
00:05:51,369 --> 00:05:52,568
No, you didn't.
150
00:05:52,570 --> 00:05:54,870
Yes, I did.
This set is dangerous.
151
00:05:54,872 --> 00:05:56,739
As dangerous as you
with a firearm?
152
00:05:56,741 --> 00:05:58,207
Are you kid--
153
00:05:58,209 --> 00:05:59,441
Shit's catching on fire.
154
00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:00,943
Shit's falling on people.
155
00:06:00,945 --> 00:06:02,077
People are falling on shit.
156
00:06:02,079 --> 00:06:03,879
Like the ground.
157
00:06:03,881 --> 00:06:06,115
Well, I think it's all just
a big dumb coincidence,
158
00:06:06,117 --> 00:06:08,951
But even if it's not,
don't worry about--
[gasps]
159
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:11,820
Veronica deane.
160
00:06:12,756 --> 00:06:14,790
Yes? Oh, hello, alan.
161
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,725
Wait.
That's why you're here?
162
00:06:16,727 --> 00:06:18,294
Yeah, crane hired us.
163
00:06:18,296 --> 00:06:20,462
It's nice to see you again,
ms. Deane.
164
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:21,897
I'm sorry.
Have we met?
165
00:06:21,899 --> 00:06:23,465
Oh, um, yeah.
166
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:25,601
I'm sterling archer,
private investigator.
167
00:06:25,603 --> 00:06:27,736
You hired me.
168
00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:29,138
Um, and then another time,
169
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,073
I protected you
in a hostage situation,
170
00:06:31,075 --> 00:06:32,474
Dressed as a clown.
171
00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,476
Is this not ringing any--
alan?
172
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:37,813
Apparently ellis hired him
to protect you
during the shoot.
173
00:06:37,815 --> 00:06:41,250
Other than my ex-husband's
refusal to let me get on
with my life,
174
00:06:41,252 --> 00:06:44,553
The only thing
I need protection from
is this clunky dialogue.
175
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:47,790
Thought I had a joke,
but--
176
00:06:47,792 --> 00:06:49,925
Mr.... Archer, was it?
177
00:06:49,927 --> 00:06:52,328
Yeah. We actually even kissed.
178
00:06:52,330 --> 00:06:53,595
I'm sorry
you've wasted your time,
179
00:06:53,597 --> 00:06:54,963
But I can assure you
180
00:06:54,965 --> 00:06:56,765
I have absolutely no need
for a bodyguard, so--
181
00:06:56,767 --> 00:06:57,833
[man]
look out!
[gasps]
182
00:07:04,107 --> 00:07:07,509
[people gasping, yelling]
183
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,311
You were saying?
184
00:07:09,313 --> 00:07:12,114
[sighs]
185
00:07:12,116 --> 00:07:13,549
[chuckling]
yeah, you were.
186
00:07:24,127 --> 00:07:25,627
[man]
move those cans. Now!
187
00:07:25,629 --> 00:07:27,830
Don't you break my cables!
Come on, people!
188
00:07:27,832 --> 00:07:30,032
Move the cables! Careful!
189
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:32,000
Oh, for god's sakes, what now?
190
00:07:32,002 --> 00:07:34,136
Looks like a runaway forklift.
191
00:07:34,138 --> 00:07:38,140
[groaning]
that, and I'm pretty sure
my ribs are shattered.
192
00:07:38,142 --> 00:07:39,141
Like breadsticks.
193
00:07:39,143 --> 00:07:41,043
Move those lights,
you fools!
194
00:07:41,045 --> 00:07:44,179
Oh, we're just hemorrhaging
money.
195
00:07:44,181 --> 00:07:47,349
And speaking of hemorrhaging--
what in the hell happened?
196
00:07:47,351 --> 00:07:48,384
A forklift.
197
00:07:48,386 --> 00:07:50,018
And a forkwad.
198
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:51,820
What's the big idea,
kicking my guts out?
199
00:07:51,822 --> 00:07:54,656
When, just now?
When I saved your life?
200
00:07:54,658 --> 00:07:56,825
And mine.
Oh, now--
201
00:07:56,827 --> 00:07:58,660
Oh, please.
202
00:07:58,662 --> 00:08:00,062
What's her problem?
203
00:08:00,064 --> 00:08:01,330
How much time do you have?
204
00:08:01,332 --> 00:08:03,365
[carol]
what is wrong with you?!
205
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:04,833
[grunting]
206
00:08:04,835 --> 00:08:06,835
What's wrong with you, lady?
207
00:08:06,837 --> 00:08:08,337
You killed it.
208
00:08:08,339 --> 00:08:11,507
It was beautiful,
and you blew it out!
209
00:08:11,509 --> 00:08:14,176
[screams]
you maniacs!
210
00:08:14,178 --> 00:08:16,512
You blew it out!
Damn you!
211
00:08:16,514 --> 00:08:18,747
Goddamn you all to hell!
212
00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:20,382
What the hell, tunt?
213
00:08:20,384 --> 00:08:23,185
You leave me to craft
all the service by myself?
214
00:08:23,187 --> 00:08:24,586
I smelled fire.
215
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:25,721
You mean smoke.
216
00:08:25,723 --> 00:08:27,022
Uh, no.
217
00:08:27,024 --> 00:08:29,057
Oh, I can't believe this.
218
00:08:29,059 --> 00:08:31,693
Yes, it would appear
your "phantom"
has struck agai--
219
00:08:31,695 --> 00:08:33,061
Shh-shh-shh-shh...
220
00:08:33,063 --> 00:08:35,531
Back to work, you--
you goldbricks.
221
00:08:35,533 --> 00:08:38,033
All right, you heard the man.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
222
00:08:38,035 --> 00:08:39,735
[people chattering]
223
00:08:39,737 --> 00:08:41,870
That's exactly
the sort of rumor
224
00:08:41,872 --> 00:08:43,372
I don't want you
spreading around.
225
00:08:43,374 --> 00:08:46,074
Maybe this was
just an accident.
226
00:08:46,076 --> 00:08:48,243
Nah, somebody definitely
tampered with it.
227
00:08:48,245 --> 00:08:50,279
The brake line's cut,
the steering wheel's tied off,
228
00:08:50,281 --> 00:08:52,281
And the throttle linkage
is jammed wide open.
229
00:08:52,283 --> 00:08:53,615
Yeah, I was gonna say...
230
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:54,783
Linkage jam.
231
00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:56,385
Says the man who pays
232
00:08:56,387 --> 00:08:58,587
To have his ferrari
trucked around on a flatbed.
233
00:08:58,589 --> 00:09:00,622
And how much is that
costing you?
234
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:02,558
Actually, not much more
than just driving it,
235
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:03,926
When you factor in
all the repairs.
236
00:09:03,928 --> 00:09:05,093
Plus no duis.
237
00:09:05,095 --> 00:09:06,395
[chuckling]
well, fewer.
238
00:09:06,397 --> 00:09:07,729
And shut up.
239
00:09:07,731 --> 00:09:09,398
You wanna try and make me?
Huh?
240
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,234
Now, listen here, you--
you rounder.
241
00:09:12,236 --> 00:09:13,969
You keep a civil tone here
with ms. Kane,
242
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,071
Or I'll throw you off this set
so fast you'll--
243
00:09:16,073 --> 00:09:18,240
You'll pass yourself going.
244
00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:19,908
Wait, what?
You'll do nothing
of the sort.
245
00:09:19,910 --> 00:09:21,743
Archer is my bodyguard,
246
00:09:21,745 --> 00:09:24,413
And if he goes, you can find
yourself another female lead.
247
00:09:24,415 --> 00:09:26,982
And on the off chance you plan
to shoot anything today,
248
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:29,318
I'll be in my dressing room!
249
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,453
Archer? Shall we?
250
00:09:31,455 --> 00:09:33,422
[chuckling]
yes, we probably shall.
251
00:09:33,424 --> 00:09:34,756
Damn it.
252
00:09:34,758 --> 00:09:37,759
Yeah, well ellis and I will be
in his dressing room, so...
253
00:09:37,761 --> 00:09:39,328
Shall we?
254
00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:41,830
Actually, my dear,
I need to go meet
with my investors
255
00:09:41,832 --> 00:09:43,966
To cushion the blow
about this,
256
00:09:43,968 --> 00:09:47,002
As it were, so...
Hmm.
257
00:09:47,004 --> 00:09:48,604
So, apparently, you shan't.
258
00:09:48,606 --> 00:09:50,606
Oh, my god, jealous much?
259
00:09:50,608 --> 00:09:53,108
[laughs]
jealous.
260
00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:56,345
It's getting hard to tell
the kettles from the pots
around here.
261
00:09:56,347 --> 00:09:58,814
Well, usually,
kettles have whistles.
262
00:09:58,816 --> 00:10:00,115
If that helps.
263
00:10:00,117 --> 00:10:01,350
[sighs]
264
00:10:01,352 --> 00:10:03,485
Hey, malory,
do you have a minute?
265
00:10:03,487 --> 00:10:06,488
"malory"?
What happened
to "ms. Archer"?
266
00:10:06,490 --> 00:10:08,957
Well, technically,
they both work for me, so--
267
00:10:08,959 --> 00:10:12,861
So you thought today would be
a good day to try on
your big-boy britches
268
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:14,963
Right in the middle
of a mystery?
269
00:10:14,965 --> 00:10:16,131
That's my point.
270
00:10:16,133 --> 00:10:17,799
I think
I may have found a clue.
271
00:10:17,801 --> 00:10:19,368
Well, all right, cyril.
272
00:10:19,370 --> 00:10:23,205
But you'd better just
wind in that neck, mr. Man.
273
00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:24,840
So, archer--
274
00:10:24,842 --> 00:10:26,808
Would you say women,
on the whole,
275
00:10:26,810 --> 00:10:28,510
Found him attractive?
276
00:10:28,512 --> 00:10:30,178
[chuckles]
which hole?
277
00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:31,647
Because yes.
278
00:10:31,649 --> 00:10:33,315
Albeit grudgingly.
279
00:10:33,317 --> 00:10:35,817
[sighs] and sexually,
would you say--
280
00:10:35,819 --> 00:10:38,487
[laughing]
which hole?
281
00:10:38,489 --> 00:10:39,988
[clears throat]
sorry. What?
282
00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:42,858
And would you say he's...
Accomplished?
283
00:10:42,860 --> 00:10:44,359
Like, is he good at plowing?
284
00:10:44,361 --> 00:10:45,994
You know he's straight,
right?
285
00:10:45,996 --> 00:10:47,996
I'm--
aww, li'l baby elton...
286
00:10:47,998 --> 00:10:49,498
I'm straight.
287
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,400
[gasps]
okay, hypothetically...
288
00:10:51,402 --> 00:10:54,870
No, not-- wait--
look, I'm in love
with veronica.
289
00:10:54,872 --> 00:10:57,072
I have been since the first time
I laid eyes on her.
290
00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,740
I'll never forget that moment.
291
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:01,677
It felt like I got kicked
in the chest by a mule.
292
00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:04,012
Yeah, you don't forget
a hoof to the tits.
293
00:11:04,014 --> 00:11:05,514
Or shooting your first mule.
294
00:11:05,516 --> 00:11:07,516
Wh--
[sighs]
how many have you shot?
295
00:11:07,518 --> 00:11:09,051
Hmm... Two.
296
00:11:09,053 --> 00:11:11,019
Anyway, since she and crane
divorced,
297
00:11:11,021 --> 00:11:12,421
I thought I might
have a chance.
298
00:11:12,423 --> 00:11:14,056
[laughs]
299
00:11:14,058 --> 00:11:15,891
But now I'm worried
she might fall for archer.
300
00:11:15,893 --> 00:11:17,426
If she hasn't already.
301
00:11:17,428 --> 00:11:19,061
Which...
302
00:11:19,063 --> 00:11:20,529
I just need a moment
to change
303
00:11:20,531 --> 00:11:22,698
Into something
more comfortable.
304
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,766
But, please,
do make yourself at home.
305
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,735
Faites comme chez vouz,
as the french say.
306
00:11:26,737 --> 00:11:28,537
Please, take your time.
307
00:11:28,539 --> 00:11:31,039
Oh, and there should be
a bottle of champagne chilling.
308
00:11:31,041 --> 00:11:33,542
[bottle pops]
♪ [soft jazz]
309
00:11:33,544 --> 00:11:36,211
So there is.
310
00:11:36,213 --> 00:11:38,447
So you want us
to quit doing our jobs
311
00:11:38,449 --> 00:11:40,048
To help you cockblock archer?
312
00:11:40,050 --> 00:11:43,418
Well, I--
wait. Was that sarcastic, or...
313
00:11:43,420 --> 00:11:46,288
No.
Then, yeah, I'd love that.
314
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,422
Really?
315
00:11:47,424 --> 00:11:50,125
Enough to shoot a mule?
316
00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:52,127
I mean, not that I think
it'll come to that.
317
00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:53,562
[malory]
you lost me.
318
00:11:53,564 --> 00:11:55,464
[cyril]
which I think
is the whole point here.
319
00:11:55,466 --> 00:11:57,232
I mean, in all my years
of accounting,
320
00:11:57,234 --> 00:11:58,467
I've never
seen anything like it.
321
00:11:58,469 --> 00:12:01,069
And I've seen
some pretty crazy stuff.
322
00:12:01,071 --> 00:12:03,238
Treating deferred revenue
as earned revenue,
323
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,574
Lapping, force balancing, uh--
324
00:12:05,576 --> 00:12:07,476
All right, cyril,
I get it.
325
00:12:07,478 --> 00:12:10,278
Yours is a world of mystery
and adventure.
326
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,581
But pretend
I'm not hal 9000.
327
00:12:12,583 --> 00:12:14,116
Okay, the best I can tell,
basically,
328
00:12:14,118 --> 00:12:15,751
The investors on this movie
329
00:12:15,753 --> 00:12:17,986
Will make more money
if production shuts down.
330
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:19,821
From the production insurance?
331
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:22,124
It's insured for triple
what they could hope
to make at the box office.
332
00:12:22,126 --> 00:12:25,927
But crane was going on and on
about not wanting to lose
the insurance...
333
00:12:25,929 --> 00:12:27,663
Yeah, that's
the proverbial rub.
334
00:12:27,665 --> 00:12:29,798
The insurance bond
is actually reinsured
335
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,800
By a shell corporation
in florida,
336
00:12:31,802 --> 00:12:35,103
Whose policy is reinsured
by a shell corporation
in panama,
337
00:12:35,105 --> 00:12:37,439
And so on and so on
down the line
338
00:12:37,441 --> 00:12:39,641
Until-- well, I lost
the trail in liberia.
339
00:12:39,643 --> 00:12:41,977
Pff.
The cousin oliver of africa.
340
00:12:41,979 --> 00:12:44,780
But the name of
the florida shell company is--
341
00:12:44,782 --> 00:12:47,482
Wait for it--
sandhill-crane.
342
00:12:47,484 --> 00:12:49,785
So?
Some panhandle trash-bird?
343
00:12:49,787 --> 00:12:53,021
[sighs]
not that kind of crane.
Ellis crane.
344
00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,456
I think he's
behind this company
345
00:12:54,458 --> 00:12:56,458
And all these
so-called "accidents."
346
00:12:56,460 --> 00:13:00,362
Which means
he would stand to benefit
if production were shut down.
347
00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,464
He'd make millions.
348
00:13:02,466 --> 00:13:04,900
Pretty impressive
detective work,
if I do say so myself.
349
00:13:06,636 --> 00:13:09,304
And apparently I'm the only one
who's gonna say it, so--
350
00:13:09,306 --> 00:13:11,006
Oh, get over yourself,
rain man.
351
00:13:11,008 --> 00:13:13,642
Sandhill-crane
could just be a coincidence.
352
00:13:13,644 --> 00:13:15,177
It's not enough
to prove anything.
353
00:13:15,179 --> 00:13:18,313
No, we need to catch crane
in the act somehow.
354
00:13:18,315 --> 00:13:20,315
Maybe if we used someone
as bait.
355
00:13:20,317 --> 00:13:22,184
Yeah, I don't know.
How would that even--
356
00:13:22,186 --> 00:13:23,852
Where's gillette?
357
00:13:23,854 --> 00:13:25,687
Yeah, see?
When we feather it out
like that,
358
00:13:25,689 --> 00:13:27,155
It really frames your face.
359
00:13:27,157 --> 00:13:29,224
And I mean,
with your cheekbones--
360
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,325
[door opens]
[gasps]
361
00:13:30,327 --> 00:13:33,095
What the hell are you doing?
362
00:13:34,697 --> 00:13:36,231
Gripping?
363
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,742
[malory]
all right, cyril.
364
00:13:46,744 --> 00:13:48,677
So if crane really is
behind all these accidents,
365
00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:52,347
The question is
how do we catch him?
366
00:13:52,349 --> 00:13:54,015
Oh, you're asking me.
Sorry.
367
00:13:54,017 --> 00:13:55,584
I thought that was rhetorical.
368
00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:58,253
Why would I be asking
rhetorical questions?
369
00:13:58,255 --> 00:14:00,522
Bec--
that one was.
370
00:14:00,524 --> 00:14:01,923
All right, so what's the plan,
guys?
371
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:04,092
How do we stop archer
from hooking up with veronica?
372
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,527
Umm...
373
00:14:05,529 --> 00:14:07,195
Ooh! We could throw acid
in her face.
374
00:14:07,197 --> 00:14:08,697
Wh-- jesus.
375
00:14:08,699 --> 00:14:10,365
What is wrong with you?
376
00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:12,901
What? Then you swoop in
and take care of her,
377
00:14:12,903 --> 00:14:14,870
And then slowly,
after many years,
378
00:14:14,872 --> 00:14:18,406
She might fall
in some weird semblance
of love with you.
379
00:14:18,408 --> 00:14:20,909
Yeah, I think maybe
we can do better.
380
00:14:20,911 --> 00:14:23,612
Okay, but the perfect
is the enemy of the good.
381
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:24,746
Mm.
382
00:14:24,748 --> 00:14:26,915
Ooh. How about I seduce her?
383
00:14:26,917 --> 00:14:29,618
Yeah, I don't think
she's bisexual.
384
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:31,386
[scoffs]
who cares?
385
00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:33,588
Plus, I bet
she'd prefer the acid.
386
00:14:33,590 --> 00:14:34,623
Hey, you know what?
387
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,424
What are you
ninnies doing?
388
00:14:36,426 --> 00:14:38,426
Looking for acid.
[together]
no, we're not.
389
00:14:38,428 --> 00:14:42,063
This is no time
to be taking your damn drugs,
you hippie dropouts.
390
00:14:42,065 --> 00:14:46,234
We think ellis crane
might be the one who's
sabotaging the production.
391
00:14:46,236 --> 00:14:47,903
Holy shit-snacks.
392
00:14:47,905 --> 00:14:50,238
Who's ellis crane?
I knew it.
393
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,440
I mean, I didn't know it.
I had no idea whatsoever.
394
00:14:52,442 --> 00:14:54,910
But now that you say it,
it makes total sense.
395
00:14:54,912 --> 00:14:56,278
But what makes you think
it's crane?
396
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,913
Well, I--
doesn't matter.
397
00:14:57,915 --> 00:14:59,981
Or it won't,
once we can catch him
red-handed,
398
00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:02,250
Which is what we're
hatching a plan to do.
399
00:15:02,252 --> 00:15:03,952
Ooh.
How about I seduce him?
400
00:15:03,954 --> 00:15:07,255
[sighs]
pam, I doubt the man
is bisexual.
401
00:15:07,257 --> 00:15:08,256
[scoffs]
who care--
402
00:15:08,258 --> 00:15:09,925
Wait, what?
403
00:15:09,927 --> 00:15:12,327
And even if he were,
he wouldn't want
a blob like you.
404
00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:15,764
I mean, when was the last time
you even saw your penis?
405
00:15:15,766 --> 00:15:17,165
I--
406
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,002
She knows you're a woman,
right?
407
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:22,270
I thought she did.
408
00:15:22,272 --> 00:15:23,839
Wait. You had sex with her.
409
00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:26,341
Yeah, but she was
all tore-up drunk.
410
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:28,643
Oh, right.
Plus I was wearing a stra--
411
00:15:28,645 --> 00:15:30,278
Eww!
What?
412
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,646
Don't ask. You'll gag.
413
00:15:31,648 --> 00:15:32,781
[chuckling]
she certainly did.
414
00:15:32,783 --> 00:15:34,015
Who did what?
415
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:35,450
Seriously, don't ask.
416
00:15:35,452 --> 00:15:37,018
But let me ask you this.
417
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,454
Do you think
there's anything about archer
418
00:15:39,456 --> 00:15:42,324
That women would find
to be a turnoff?
419
00:15:42,326 --> 00:15:44,793
[laughs]
oh, you're serious.
420
00:15:44,795 --> 00:15:47,629
Well, then, shit.
Where to begin?
Umm--
421
00:15:47,631 --> 00:15:50,665
And there is a bit of a clock
on this, so--
422
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:53,034
Why?
Well, he and veronica
423
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:56,504
Have been in her dressing room
for a while now.
Uh-huh.
424
00:15:56,506 --> 00:15:59,975
And since
apparently archer's penis
is like a crack pipe--
425
00:15:59,977 --> 00:16:01,543
What, in size and/or shape?
426
00:16:01,545 --> 00:16:03,645
They said if he
has sex with veronica,
427
00:16:03,647 --> 00:16:05,380
She'll fall head over heels
for him.
428
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:07,716
Oh, they did, did they?
429
00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:09,184
Yes.
430
00:16:09,186 --> 00:16:13,021
[exhales]
did you, um...
431
00:16:13,023 --> 00:16:14,389
Mm-hmm.
432
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,558
Hm. Me too.
433
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,226
[chuckling]
yes, I know.
434
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:19,661
Oh, right.
435
00:16:19,663 --> 00:16:21,329
Sorry about the, uh...
436
00:16:21,331 --> 00:16:22,364
I think it'll come out.
437
00:16:22,366 --> 00:16:23,999
Phrasing.
Still, though.
438
00:16:24,001 --> 00:16:26,167
But as much as I'd love
to lie here and bask
439
00:16:26,169 --> 00:16:27,736
In this post-coital glow...
440
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,571
Right?
We've got champagne.
441
00:16:29,573 --> 00:16:31,406
We're over the worst
of the stickiness.
442
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,675
I know,
but it's very nearly 3:00.
443
00:16:33,677 --> 00:16:35,210
Really? That late?
444
00:16:35,212 --> 00:16:37,078
Yes, almost exactly 3:00,
445
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,248
And I'm late
for a wardrobe fitting, so--
446
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,684
So I'll just wait
for you here, or...
447
00:16:42,686 --> 00:16:44,185
Um, sure.
448
00:16:44,187 --> 00:16:45,587
I'm sorry I have to run,
449
00:16:45,589 --> 00:16:47,589
But it's almost
the stroke of 3:00.
450
00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:49,391
Yeah, you mentioned--
451
00:16:49,393 --> 00:16:51,893
Mm, mwah.
Back soon.
452
00:16:51,895 --> 00:16:56,197
And I'll be here,
slowly drying.
[door opens, closes]
453
00:16:56,199 --> 00:16:57,532
Ahh...
454
00:16:57,534 --> 00:16:59,534
Oh, man, I can't believe
455
00:16:59,536 --> 00:17:01,536
I just made love
to veronica deane.
456
00:17:01,538 --> 00:17:04,706
I wonder if this is how
tenzing norgay felt.
457
00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:08,944
Holy shit,
I wonder if this is how
tenzing norgay always feels.
458
00:17:08,946 --> 00:17:10,712
[lana]
what, sticky?
459
00:17:10,714 --> 00:17:11,947
Gulp.
460
00:17:11,949 --> 00:17:14,950
You know, we could
just confront crane
461
00:17:14,952 --> 00:17:17,218
With the evidence.
The flimsy evidence.
462
00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:19,454
Yeah, but maybe his reaction
would give him away.
463
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:21,423
Hmm.
464
00:17:21,425 --> 00:17:25,393
All right.
So we just barge
into his dressing room and...
465
00:17:25,395 --> 00:17:26,795
Ambush him!
466
00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:28,930
Because you said
we were on a break!
467
00:17:28,932 --> 00:17:30,398
So two days later,
your cock's wet?
468
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,766
Oh, I'm sorry, lana,
is there a grace period?
469
00:17:31,768 --> 00:17:34,135
Because if there is,
you neglected to tell me.
470
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,438
There is an acceptable amount
of time before before you start
cramming your trash dick
471
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,973
Into every woman unlucky
enough to walk by.
472
00:17:37,975 --> 00:17:39,774
But I guess that's par
for the course with you
473
00:17:39,776 --> 00:17:41,242
Because you never bother
to consult me on anything.
474
00:17:41,244 --> 00:17:44,412
And for your information,
this stupid break
wasn't my idea.
475
00:17:44,414 --> 00:17:45,914
It was yours!
476
00:17:45,916 --> 00:17:48,984
Because you,
prolapsed rectum that you are,
477
00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:51,486
Are infatuated
with veronica deane,
478
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:55,323
Whose cobwebby old snooch,
by the way,
I can smell from here.
479
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:58,259
[chuckles]
well, it's not
cobwebby anymore.
480
00:17:58,261 --> 00:18:00,261
[growls]
481
00:18:00,263 --> 00:18:01,796
[grunting, thudding]
482
00:18:01,798 --> 00:18:02,964
Lana!
[lana yelling]
483
00:18:02,966 --> 00:18:05,000
So that's your plan.
484
00:18:05,002 --> 00:18:07,268
Yeah.
In its entirety.
485
00:18:07,270 --> 00:18:08,603
Yep.
486
00:18:08,605 --> 00:18:10,605
We just slam the door open
and say--
487
00:18:10,607 --> 00:18:11,940
Don't do it!
488
00:18:11,942 --> 00:18:13,441
He's riddled with clap!
489
00:18:13,443 --> 00:18:14,609
[archer]
what?
490
00:18:14,611 --> 00:18:16,144
Um...
491
00:18:16,146 --> 00:18:17,612
[both panting]
492
00:18:17,614 --> 00:18:18,646
[together]
what?
493
00:18:18,648 --> 00:18:20,615
I, um...
494
00:18:20,617 --> 00:18:22,150
Man, you ever do that--
495
00:18:22,152 --> 00:18:24,986
You walk in a room
and you forget why?
496
00:18:24,988 --> 00:18:27,155
[together]
no.
And what are you looking at?
497
00:18:27,157 --> 00:18:29,691
Wow. It is kind of
like a crack pipe.
498
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:33,661
Will you idiots please leave
so I can beat this man's ass
in private?
499
00:18:33,663 --> 00:18:35,630
Oh, whatever.
I was beating your--
500
00:18:35,632 --> 00:18:36,798
[woman screams]
[gasp]
501
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,367
Mother!
Move, idiots!
502
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,970
[shapiro] out of my way.
[pam] follow that ass.
503
00:18:41,972 --> 00:18:44,172
Mother!
Mother, are you all right?
504
00:18:44,174 --> 00:18:45,340
Why wouldn't I be?
505
00:18:45,342 --> 00:18:46,875
I-- I heard you scream.
506
00:18:46,877 --> 00:18:48,843
That wasn't me.
It was this one.
507
00:18:48,845 --> 00:18:51,046
Well, it was very upsetting.
508
00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:52,981
[shapiro] whoa.
[pam] oh, my god.
509
00:18:52,983 --> 00:18:55,316
[archer]
oh. Yeah, that is
pretty upsetting.
510
00:18:55,318 --> 00:18:57,852
And what the hell
are you wearing?
511
00:18:57,854 --> 00:19:01,322
I think technically
it's a loincloth?
512
00:19:01,324 --> 00:19:03,858
Fashioned out of
a baby-doll nightie.
513
00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:05,160
[sighs]
514
00:19:05,162 --> 00:19:06,728
Well, I'm sorry, mother.
515
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:09,164
I didn't know
I'd be going to a funeral.
516
00:19:09,166 --> 00:19:10,765
I would've worn a black one.
517
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,343
[dietrich]
okay, people, uh, listen up.
518
00:19:22,345 --> 00:19:24,846
This is now an active
homicide investigation,
519
00:19:24,848 --> 00:19:27,749
And while
the situation on the ground
may be somewhat fluid...
520
00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:30,552
[chuckling]
fluid on the ground,
on the walls...
521
00:19:30,554 --> 00:19:32,353
You shut up!
522
00:19:32,355 --> 00:19:35,356
Shut your mouth,
or I swear to christ
in his heaven
523
00:19:35,358 --> 00:19:38,059
I will personally
frame you for this murder!
524
00:19:38,061 --> 00:19:39,527
Hey, bub, remember?
525
00:19:39,529 --> 00:19:41,429
About the thing?
526
00:19:41,431 --> 00:19:44,065
[clears throat]
please disregard
my previous statement.
527
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:46,401
Merely an ill-advised attempt
at levity.
528
00:19:46,403 --> 00:19:49,404
Okay. And in light of
your various professional,
529
00:19:49,406 --> 00:19:52,540
Or, in some cases,
personal relationships
with the victim,
530
00:19:52,542 --> 00:19:55,610
At the present time,
you are all persons
of interest.
531
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:56,744
[overlapping chattering]
532
00:19:56,746 --> 00:19:58,713
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Calm down.
533
00:19:58,715 --> 00:20:02,417
He didn't say "suspects".
Yet.
534
00:20:02,419 --> 00:20:04,719
But until we do have
a suspect--
535
00:20:04,721 --> 00:20:06,387
Or suspects.
536
00:20:06,389 --> 00:20:08,056
We are gonna have to ask you
537
00:20:08,058 --> 00:20:09,624
Not to leave town
without checking with us.
538
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:11,392
But that's ridiculous.
539
00:20:11,394 --> 00:20:14,462
It wasn't any of us.
He hired us for protection.
540
00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:16,264
What,
like a protection racket?
541
00:20:16,266 --> 00:20:17,765
No, you--
542
00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:19,234
We think crane was caught up
543
00:20:19,236 --> 00:20:20,735
In some sort of
insurance fraud,
544
00:20:20,737 --> 00:20:22,904
All the way from here
to liberia.
545
00:20:22,906 --> 00:20:24,906
Okay, okay.
And we're gonna be
looking into all that,
546
00:20:24,908 --> 00:20:26,908
But in the meantime--
we've all got alibis.
547
00:20:26,910 --> 00:20:28,309
Then you've got nothing
to worry about.
548
00:20:28,311 --> 00:20:29,911
Yeah, because they'll
be easy to check.
549
00:20:29,913 --> 00:20:31,279
We've got an exact
time of death.
550
00:20:31,281 --> 00:20:33,248
But a time-of-death estimate
551
00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:36,151
Is only exact to within
maybe one hour, so--
552
00:20:36,153 --> 00:20:37,652
Try one second,
gnome-nuts.
553
00:20:37,654 --> 00:20:39,254
[overlapping muttering]
554
00:20:39,256 --> 00:20:41,122
The victim had
a defensive wound.
555
00:20:41,124 --> 00:20:43,091
Bullet went
right through his rolex.
556
00:20:43,093 --> 00:20:46,961
[imitates gunshot]
exact time of death,
2:14 p.M.
557
00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:48,830
[overlapping chattering]
558
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:50,598
Well, my goodness,
what a relief.
559
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:51,966
No, I just mean...
560
00:20:51,968 --> 00:20:54,936
Well, you know, the ex-wife,
a bitter divorce.
561
00:20:54,938 --> 00:20:56,938
I'm sure I would've been
the prime suspect.
562
00:20:56,940 --> 00:20:58,640
But I couldn't have
murdered ellis.
563
00:20:58,642 --> 00:21:00,808
I was with you, archer.
564
00:21:00,810 --> 00:21:02,443
Remember?
565
00:21:02,445 --> 00:21:04,712
Until almost
the stroke of 3:00.
566
00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:08,850
Um...
567
00:21:29,471 --> 00:21:32,407
[man]
made in georgia.
41210