All language subtitles for Archer 2009 S07E07 Double Indecency 1080p WEB-DL DD5 1 H 264-BS (1)_track3_[eng]

[malory]
you have no idea
who this person is.

[cheryl]
no.
Or what this is about.

Mm, no.

"zissner, office,
meeting, 10:00."

And you have no idea
what that means.

I feel like I made that
very clear.

Unlike this cryptic idiocy!

Why do you even bother
to answer the phone?

Because you scream at me
when I don't!

Volume! Jesus!

My god, lana,
you look like hell.

Like I've been saying
for years.

Woman, you do not want to light
this particular fuse.

A.J. Was up all night
with the croup.

Did you give her bourbon?

You know, I was going to,
and then I realized

That, no,
I wasn't going to.

Always worked for sterling.

And you're just gonna...

Yeah, too sleepy.
What is this?

"zissner"?
Wait, as in don zissner?

She has no idea.

[growls]
which, again,
very clear on that.

He's a huge producer.
He makes those massive,
stupid, sharky blockbusters.

Sharknoid, sharknoid two,
sharknoid three in 3-d,
sharknoid four, shark--

We get it!

Let me finish.
Sharknoid five.

[groans]
is that who we're meeting with?

Maybe.

[archer]
hm, "zissner, office,
meeting, 10:00."

That's all carol told you?

Yes, we're to meet zissner
in his office at 10:00.

But other than that...
We have no idea.

Or why she even bothers
to answer the phone.

Well, otherwise mother
screams at her.

[elevator dings]

Good morning.
Hi,

Cyril figgis,
figgis agency.

We have a 10:00
with mr. Zissner?

[coughs]
maybe.
I'm sorry?

[malory]
I'm sorry?

I'm sorry.
Is this the figgis agency?

Maybe.
Then I think I have
a 10:00 appointment.

I'm barbie zissner.

[together]
oh!

Oh, please forgive me,
miss--

Mrs.

Mrs. Zissner,
of course, yes.

Mrs. Donald zissner.

Yes.
[intercom beeps]

[cheryl over intercom]
your 10:00 is here.

I know. Thank you.

You're welcome.
[intercom beeps]

[man] gentlemen,
thank you for coming.

First off,
killer marketing campaign.

Goddamn it.

Second, you've each been given

A non-disclosure agreement
to sign.

If any of you repeat
anything said in this room,

I will skull-rape you so hard,
legally speaking,

That your
great-great-grandchildren

Will spend their short,
miserable lives

As indentured servants
to mine.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.
Okay.

Third...
[sighs]

I'm not really sure
how to put this,

So I'll just go ahead
and say it.

[sniffles]
I think my husband
is cheating on me.

That's so sad.
Oh.

I think my wife
is cheating on me.

[mumbles]
no.

And so I want to hire you.

To catch her in the act.

I'll need video confirmation,
of course.

So you want us to follow him
and--

No, not just follow her.

More than that.
Much more.

There's just too much
at stake here.

I have to be
a hundred percent sure.

And so I want one of you...

To seduce my husband
and tape it.
To seduce my wife and tape it.

Aw, man.
Lousy timing.

My bush looks like I'm sitting
on jerry garcia's face.

♪

[lana] because a,
it's super skeevy, and--

[malory]
and b, possibly
extremely lucrative!

She agreed to
pay us $20,000.

And zissner's worth god knows
how many millions,

So if we can wedge ourselves
into that divorce...

And he tells two friends.

And she tells two friends.

[together]
and so on and so on
and so on.

I thought you said the
divorce business was shabby.

If it's poor people.

So what, you think you're
literally gonna pimp me out?

Who says she's pimping you?
Why does she get to get
pimped out?

I'm sorry.
Is there another option?

Uh, boosh?
And-or kakow?

Pam, please,
this is serious.

Uh, wha--

[cyril]
I am serious.

[archer]
cyril, come on.
You can't do it.

Zissner wants us to prove
his wife's cheating on him,

Not that she's capable
of aspirating her own vomit.

So what,
you're going to do it?

Well, I mean, I think we should
put our best foot forward here.

Or at least our best
five inches.

Hey-oh!

Who are you,
wheeler and woolsey?

Who?
Typical.

So you're just gonna cheat
on lana.

Oh, right.
Goddamn it.

I mean, even if archer
did basically cheat

On me with veronica deane--

Oh, please.
One kiss.

I refuse to stoop
to his level.

Lana, it's $20,000.

I don't care if it's--

Okay, I almost said
20 million,

But obviously
I would bang him for that.

Ah-ha! So you do have
a price.

Yes, duh, but it's not
20 grand, ron measly,

So you can count me out.

Welp, guess I'm gonna need
a bucket of ice

And a roll of gaffer tape.

For?
D-I-y brazilian.

When it's this bushy,
the clippers just get stoved up.

Ew.
Ew.
Pam!

Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't know I was
going to get called up

To the big show.
Nobody's calling you anywhere.

I don't know.

I think pam's got
a better chance

Of seducing zissner
than gluella devil over here.

[cyril]
are you insane?

No, I'm dead serious.

I'll bet you my share
of the 20 grand

That ray can seduce
barbie zissner before you.

What're you--
I'm not in this!

If we win,
you get his share.

That's almost $7,000.
I--

Where'd you get 7,000?

I divided 20 by 3, cyril.

Come on, this is
pretty basic stuff.

Three. Tuh-- what,
we're just not telling
the women about this?

Why would we?

Hm? Hm.
Yeah, screw them.

Ray, come on.
Be a team player.

We can drink you through this.

Would you have sex
with a man for $7,000?

I would if it had a negative
impact on cyril.

Wha-- you hate me so much

That you would actually have
sex with a man.

I would date him.

And I wish y'all
every happiness,

But I am not sleeping
with that woman, so--

So then krieger!

What?
Hm?

My share against yours.

I bet krieger can seduce
barbie zissner

Before you.

[chuckles]
you are on!

Yeah, I am all over
that action.

Ha! Then it's a bet.

I got I got krieger...
[gillette]
I got cyril...

I've got pam.
And you've got cheryl.

Oh, please,
carol couldn't seduce
a spaniard.

Me, on the other hand...

[chuckling]
only if zissner's
into archeology.

You little--
all right, lana,
you have a bet.

I'll take carol, and we will
laugh all the way to the bank.

And we're not telling
the men?

Why would we?

Well, yeah.
Mm-hm.

[pam laughing]
oh, man.

I'm gonna seduce the dick
off that dude.

[tape ripping]

Oww!

Yes, what mere mortal
could resist

That cornucopia
of nature's treasures.

[chuckling]
exactly.

[tape rips]
ow!

[archer]
okay, so if anybody asks,
it's cyril's birthday,

And he asked us to take him
to a strip club.

They'll buy that.
It's so sad and pathetic
and cyril-y.

Uh, first of all,
I dated lana for three years.

She knows when my birthday is.

I think you wildly overestimate
that relationship.

With who, veronica deane?

With whom.
And, no, not veronica deane,

Who, by the way, lana,
kissed me,

And also when is
cyril's birthday?

Uh, how should I know?

[sighs]
trick question.

It's today.

And we're taking him
to a strip club

Because he is both
sad and pathetic.

Typical.
Oh, man.

Give my regards
to all the molestees.

Wait. Where are
you guys going?

None of your
collective beeswax.

Wow, that was way easier
than I thought it would be.

Although,
I guess so is everything.

Krieger?

Krieger. Krieger!

[door closes]
[krieger] yep!
Yep, yep, yep!

Hey, guys.

Shut up and brush your teeth,
comb your beard,

And get some cologne
on those balls.
You're coming with us.

Done, done, done, done,

And where exactly
are we going?

Well, first to buy you
some clothes.

And then... Wait.
Where are we going?

Uh, let's see.
Zissner said she'd be

At the "the swindon hotel
for happy hour."

The swindon? Nice.
Sunset lounge or main bar?

Uh, let's see.
It says here... "main bar."

So, hey, should I get
some new clothes?

Cyril, the answer to that
question is almost always yes.

You know, thoreau said,
"beware of all enterprises
that require new clothes."

Krieger, nobody gives a shit
about doonesbury.
Now, come on, chop-chop.

Ooh, chop-chop what?
What are we chopping?

Nothing.
You're going to have sex.

With a... Person?

What are you--
I'm gonna double the bet.

What bet?
No, shut up.

I would think "person"
was implied.

Yeah, no, I just didn't wanna
get in that head space

And then, you know...

No, I don't.

Double it!
No!

What bet?
[groans]

Okay, if you can seduce
this woman--

[krieger] whoo.
Yeah.

And if you seduce her
before cyril does,

You get five, uh, hundred--

Whoo.
[together]
thousand.

[laughing]
whoo-hoo...
Goddamn it. Dollars.

I'm in.
I can use the money

To finish
my voight-kampff machine.

Or... Not that.

Forget I said that.

[malory]
now, remember, carol.

The key here,
as with most things,

Is confidence.

Which pam's got
by the shitload.

[curtain rolls back]
for reasons known
but to god.

Well, a lot of it's
the brazilian.

They really make you feel sexy.

At least until
the ingrown hairs turn me
back into bumplestiltskin.

B-ugh.
I want to double the bet.

[curtain rolls back]
deal.

[malory] damn.

Just damn or daaaaaaamn!

Whichever is worse.

Damn, cyril!

Really?

You don't...

Think it's too much?

I-- you know,
I think it would be.

I wanna double the bet.
No.

Give you five-to-two odds.

No! Krieger, get out here!

[curtain rolls back]

Goddamn it.
Five to one!

Dude, take it!
I feel amazing.

And confidence is the key.

And thoreau was
a [bleep] idiot.

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

[groans]

[malory]
no, lana dear, listen.

All this nonsense
about doubling the bet.

What, are you trying
to welsh on me?

Huh-- well,
now who's a racist?

That's not racist.

It is if you're black.
There are black welsh people.

Name one.

Uh, shirley bassey.

Name 20 more.
No, the bet stands.

[exhales]
and that is just fine
with us.

[lana]
damn.

I know.
I look like a whore.

As a matter of fact,

I'm willing
to double it again.

Um...

Psst. Lana, come here.

Come here, come here,
come here, come here.

Take the bet.
Double it.

Is this mirror
not working or--

Don't be shitty.
I'm in progress.

And plus, jerkleton,
I've got this.

[sighs]
spanish fly.

Right?
Pam, that shit doesn't work.

Yes, it does.

We just need to mix it
with some mole's blood.

So... Hey, what were you saying
about un-doubling the bet?

Not a word.

I'm serious, ray.
I'm about to punch you

In the face
with your own fists.

First of all, you are
a mean drunk on germicide.

It's blue curaçao,
you dumb idiot.

Giuseppe keeps it
in the back for me.

Well, then you're a mean drunk
on blue curaçao.

I know. I'm actually banned
for life from willemstad.

Well, their loss.
Now, come on.

Put your money
where your fat blue mouth is.

No, we're not doubling
the bet.

Come on. Don't you have faith
in your man?

Shoo, shoo!

Shoo, shoo, shoo!
Shoo!
Krieger!

[slow motion]
shoo. Sh...

I do not, no.

Well, I've got faith in mine.
[continuing]

Cause he is lookin'
muy rico suave.

Oh, well,
gracias, amigo.

Pff. More like rico...
Not suave.

He said like
a drunk jealous bitch.

I'm not drunk!
Wait, I am drunk.

Cyril, you need
any last-minute pointers?

Ha! From you?

The quarry may change
but never the hunt!

Hm, let's see.

Oh, here's one.
When do I start negging her?

"negging"? Jesus christ,
what grade are you in?

Why don't you try putting
some spanish fly
in her brass monkey?

[chuckles]
I think you mix it
with mole's blood.

What're you--
where the hell would
you get mole's blood?

Why, you need some?

I need you to get your big,
bushy bob ross-ian head

Out of your ass,
because we've got
a bet to win!

And also, giuseppe, I'm pretty
sure this is actually germicide,
so...

What?
Damn it, archer.

Yeah, that's... Not great.

Although, silver lining--

Bet I could eat a whole big bowl
of germs right now.

[belches]

Okay, let's go seduce
this broad.

Okay, let's go put
some stank on it.

Yes, I suppose this is
as attractive

As these two
are ever going to be.

Unless we can find
some mole's blood.
No.

I have some.
No!

Oh, wait.
This is vole's blood.

I swear to god,
you people.

Taxi!

[archer groaning]
man, I don't feel so great.

[belches]
huh, wonder if that's got
anything to do

With all that germicide
you drank.

Honestly,
even if it had been curaçao,

I bet I'd still be
a little oogy.

No shit, you killed
all your good flora.

Hey, spirou,
where's the main bar?

Through the lobby
to the left, sir.

Thanks. Cyril,
tip the young man.

Oh, uh...

Darn. [chuckles]

I must've left my wallet
in my other clothes.

Uh...
Typical.

Here you go.

Here you go, ladies.
Hotel swindon.

Well, it's about time.
Pay the man, lana.

Uh, I don't-- uh, pam?
I'll get the next one.

Yeah, me too.
Pony up, neckbone.

[mallory]
yoo-hoo, bellboy,
which way is the sunset lounge?

Fair's 18.50, miss.

Okay, so, do you have change
for 10-- let me finish--
drams of vole's blood?

[archer]
did he say to the right
or to the left?

I thought he said right.
He said to the left.

Thanks, lois and clark.

It's lewis and-- oh.

See what I did there?

[malory]
what are you doing here?

[overlapping exclamations]

I'm gonna assume it's some sort
of costume birthday party?

It's not my birthday!

Then why's krieger
dressed up like evil nazi
bob ross knievel?

Why are you dressed
like a prostitute?

It's for work!

Wait, what are you all
doing here?

Lunch?
It's 5:30.

Dunch?

Mother, what the hell
is going on?

I could ask you the same thing.

Oh, my god.
[archer]
what's he doing here?

Mr. Zissner?
What's the deal here, figgis?

Wait, you two know each other?

Uh, well, um--

Donny?
[zissner] babe.

Wait.
Uh, what?
What the...

Why aren't you in the bar?

I heard all this
commotion out here.

Why aren't you
in the sunset lounge?

Okay, obviously there's been
some sort of misunderstanding
here, so--

Wait a minute.
I think the best thing
at this point

Is for everybody to...

Un-clump.

Did he hire you to bang her?

Uh...
Hey, no!

Before you answer that,
remember you signed

An extremely punitive
non-disclosure agreement.

[belches, laughs]
yes. And also tape it.

Goddamn it!
Shut up.

And you were just
going to do it?

Not me. Cyril or krieger.

Ah! As if.

I mean,
maybe blondie here.
As if.

Wait, but she hired us
to seduce him.

And tape it.

Shut up!

Why would anyone do
such a thing?

[sighs]
it's your basic
cuckold fetish porn.

How is that basic?

In fact, I bet they do these
hookups in the same hotel

At the same time so they know
the other one's doing it.

Stop talking!

And they each go upstairs
with whoever,

Make a tape,
and then go home

And watch them together.

Goddamn,
I wish I was married!

[zissner growls]
you are all so frickin' sued!

Shut up.
And you were just gonna do it?

Not me!
Wha-- mother?

No, you idiot!
One of those two.

[laughs]
who?

Scarrah fawcett
and baby huey?

Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa...

[sobbing]
uh-uh.

Bitch, you better 'pologize!

[pam bawling]

Or what?

Or this!

[all yelling]

[roars]

[men grunting]
[pam yells]

[grunting]

Aah!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
Sha! Sha!

[pam screams]

Szhee!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

[screams]

[giggling]

[crunches]
[screams]

[growls]

Come on, lurch.

Let's see what's
in that belly of yours!

Shoo! Shoo! Sha! Sha!

[woman screams]

Enter sandman.

My eyes!

Ow!

Ow--

Damn it.
What is this, a chair factory?

Get everybody down here!

[people groaning and grunting]

Baby! Baby, come on.

We gotta get out of here.

[zissner]
okay, honey.
Paparazzi. Paparazzi!

Aah!

Damn!
[krieger]
shoo! Shoo! Sha! Sha!

[thuds]

[groans]

[all groaning]

I gotta say,

I think that went about
as well as it could have.

Tell that to carol!

[lana] whoa, gross.
[archer] oh, god.

Oh, this is vole's blood.

I hope.

That's disgusting.
Jesus.
Oh, ech.

Well, whom or
whatever's blood it is,

I vote we go rinse it off
with a mojito.

Come on,
we can still catch--
[guns cocking]

[police radio chattering]

Uh... Happy hour.

[radio chatter continues]

[archer] seriously,
worst happy hour ever.

And I hate to do it,

But I have to trash you guys
in my online review.

Thanks. And also sorry,
but I don't feel like
you've earned a tip, so--

[malory]
will you shut up and come on!

Wasn't six hours
in this hell hole enough?

That bail is paid,
and now I would like to go
home, please!

Okay! I'm not the one
taking all night

To give me back my stuff!

No, you're just the one

Who started the brawl
that got us all arrested.

First of all,
that brawl started

When carol messed up
the messages.

No, I did not.

Zissner, meeting,
office, 10:00?

What, were you being
intentionally vague?

Eh, duh.

What?

I wanted to see
what would happen.

Oh, goddamn.
Really?

Well, excellent work.

You just ruined our entrée

Into the world of high-priced
hollywood divorces!

Which, come on,
we're better than that.

Shooooo, wahhhhh...

Are we?
I am.

[krieger continuing]
I drank a whole big thing
of germicide.

Shooo...
What?

That would've killed
a normal man.

Shooo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo...

♪

[man]
made in georgia.