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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:04,545 [PHONE RINGING] 2 00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:10,927 [CONTINUES RINGING] 3 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,353 [SIGHS] 4 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,729 What? 5 00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,773 Ugh. Yes, I'll accept the charges. 6 00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:25,066 [ARCHER COUGHING OVER PHONE] 7 00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:28,319 Goddamn, who is it? Cancer? ARCHER: Oh. 8 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:30,446 I think it's Mr. Archer. 9 00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:31,698 Hello? 10 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,908 ARCHER [OVER SPEAKER]: Carol, hey, shut up. I need your help. 11 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,452 And that's how you ask? ARCHER: Wait, Pam? 12 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,954 Is that you? Yes. 13 00:00:38,122 --> 00:00:41,457 ARCHER: Great, shut up, because I'm talking to Carol. Carol, here's the deal-- 14 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:45,586 Let me guess, you're butt-hurt because Lana hired some Pakistani dude to shoot you. 15 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,631 You went to Vegas, now you're drunk and broke outside a casino. 16 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:53,261 You want me to wire a thousand dollars to buy you a plane ticket and a pre-flight whore. 17 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:57,432 ARCHER: Okay, I'm gonna list everything you just said that's totally wrong. 18 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,976 A, not outside a casino, so-- 19 00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:02,478 CHERYL: Okay, it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up... 20 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:03,855 ...but-- No. Wait, wait. 21 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,898 Come on, I really need your help. 22 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:09,694 Ugh. Okay, where do I send the--? Hang on. 23 00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:10,987 Make him beg. 24 00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:13,531 ARCHER: Pam, goddamn it, I said shut up. You shut up. 25 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:16,826 Jesus, I'm sending you the money for your stupid plane ticket. 26 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:18,786 ARCHER: Which would be great... 27 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:21,497 ...if I were not on the no-fly list. PAM: Ha-ha-ha-ha! 28 00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:25,084 CHERYL: How did you get on the no-fly list? Uh.... 29 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,294 [GRUNTING] 30 00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:28,671 Help! Get it off! CO-PILOT: Oh! 31 00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:31,132 I wanna fly the plane. 32 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,051 You know, who knows? It's the government. That's not important. 33 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:36,804 What is important is getting me home. 34 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:40,266 Ugh. Fine, then I'll send the money for a stupid train ticket. 35 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,977 Which would also be great.... 36 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,813 [GRUNTING] 37 00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:48,441 I wanna fly the train. 38 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,736 Wow, I had no idea there was a no-train list. 39 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:54,030 Well, neither did I, but apparently there is. 40 00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:56,657 And before you ask, the answer is no, Carol. 41 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,367 A thousand times no. 42 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:02,872 I will not, I cannot ride the bus. 43 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,124 Wha--? Stop. Goddamn it, I said no. 44 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,584 [MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] 45 00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,044 Simone, I swear to God... 46 00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:10,338 ...I will rub your own remaining teeth in your eyes. 47 00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,548 [MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] 48 00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:13,716 [SPITS] 49 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:15,218 You ain't got kick pants. 50 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:19,347 So I don't care what it costs me, financially or self-respectfully... 51 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,892 ...but I need you to do me a big favor. 52 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,019 Oh, thank you. 53 00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:26,896 Thank you, God. 54 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:30,233 Yay! Right? 55 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,819 Heh-heh-heh. Archer, you look like shit. 56 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,028 And.... 57 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,238 [ARCHER SIGHS] 58 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:36,906 And obviously thank you too... 59 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,661 ...Asmodeus, Destroyer of Men. 60 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,997 ARCHER: All I needed was an airplane. 61 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,207 So why is it full of you idiots? 62 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,668 Well, I wasn't gonna sit around the office all by myself. 63 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:31,878 [BELL DINGS] 64 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,172 Because one of us needed some multi-engine time for his pilot's license.... 65 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,384 And one of us would go pretty much anywhere to piss off your mother. 66 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,636 MALORY [OVER INTERCOM]: Hello? 67 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,054 Hello? 68 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,389 Son of a-- 69 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:47,059 Fine. Then I'll just get my own ice. 70 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,021 No. I'll drink it neat. 71 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,356 And me and Krieger are all about going to Branson. 72 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:53,566 Boo-yah! 73 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,403 And I assume Branson is some sort of all-one-cares-to-eat establishment? 74 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,613 CHERYL: Um.... KRIEGER: You're kidding, right? 75 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:02,575 It's only the biggest country music tourist destination in the world. 76 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,328 Wait a minute, is this about Cherlene? Who? 77 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:08,122 She has no memory of any of that. Wait, what? 78 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:11,626 You don't remember being the number one country singer in America? 79 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:13,002 [SCOFFS THEN CHUCKLES] 80 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:16,297 Okay. Besides, Branson isn't just country music. 81 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,799 There's Tony Orlando, Charo-- 82 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,469 The comedy stylings of Yakov Smirnoff. 83 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,012 How do you not know about Branson? 84 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:26,682 I guess the same reason I don't know what grits are or hush puppies. 85 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:27,892 PAM: You serious? CHERYL: My God. 86 00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,645 Hush puppies are little balls of fried cornmeal batter. 87 00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:34,732 Mm. Not really, though. Well, and also shoes. 88 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:39,362 Well, thank you, Cyril. I was just angry, now I'm confused and angry. 89 00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:41,364 GILLETTE [OVER INTERCOM]: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. 90 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:44,867 This is Captain Ray Gillette, welcoming you aboard from the flight deck. 91 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:47,787 - Flight time to Branson is about three hours. - ARCHER: No, it isn't. 92 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:51,415 Shut up. And in the meantime, if you look out the left side of the cabin... 93 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,001 ...you can just make out Nellis Air Force Base... 94 00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:56,295 ...home to Area 51. 95 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,672 Wait, what? Seriously? 96 00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,007 CYRIL: Hey, watch it. I can't see it. I can't see it. 97 00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,676 See what? What's Area 51? 98 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:05,805 What's Area--? Are you shitting me? Everybody knows about Area 51. 99 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:08,975 Even me, and I didn't even know they made shoes out of cornbread. 100 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,186 It's where the government keeps all the aliens that have crashed on Earth. 101 00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,439 Well, allegedly, but-- Oh, my God. Cyril, shut up. 102 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,234 Oh, so you believe the United States government... 103 00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:21,362 ...is actually harboring extraterrestrial life-forms... 104 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,448 ...at an Air Force base in the Nevada desert. Heh. No. 105 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:28,619 Ray, get in closer. I can't see jackdick. GILLETTE: No, this is good. 106 00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:31,122 That airspace is all extremely restricted, so-- 107 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:32,915 KRIEGER: For the love of God. PAM: You pussy! 108 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,750 Well, maybe a little closer. ARCHER: Whoa! 109 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,252 Hang on. What are you doing? 110 00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,671 Heh. And what are you wearing? 111 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,590 It was in the crew locker. I think it looks pretty sharp. 112 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,884 Really? PAM: Ray, get closer! 113 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:45,386 Pam, shut up. KRIEGER: Make her. 114 00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:47,680 Look, Ray, I know you don't do well with peer pressure-- 115 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,724 Wha--? Teacup pig. 116 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:50,975 Oh, yeah. 117 00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,477 How big was Hamlet when you had to get rid of it? 118 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:57,565 He was up there. Heh. Yeah, like 300 shit-covered pounds. 119 00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,942 Seriously, don't dick around with the Air Force. 120 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,446 That's a top-secret base down there and they've got surface-to-air missiles. 121 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:04,655 PAM: Ray! Pam. 122 00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:06,032 KRIEGER: Ray! Krieger. 123 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,575 ALL: Ray! What? 124 00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:08,784 God. Damn it. 125 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,411 What? That. 126 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,167 Goddamn it. Everybody hang on. 127 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,418 [ALL YELLING] 128 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,713 Goddamn it. I said hang on. 129 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,089 You know.... 130 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,387 [ALL SCREAMING] 131 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,514 Jesus Christ, Ray, do something. 132 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:33,517 Besides fly the goddamn plane? Oh, you're already-- 133 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:36,645 Sorry, I didn't know what the deal was. I think I can land it. 134 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,315 But I gotta put it down at Nellis. 135 00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:42,485 Where the missiles are coming from? It's either that or crash. 136 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:45,404 Okay, sorry, just making sure there's not a third option-- 137 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,822 Get out! 138 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,741 [ALL YELLING] 139 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,369 Are we gonna die? 140 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,792 Not today, gorgeous, not today. 141 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:01,337 I mean, probably today, but-- PAM: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 142 00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,547 Krieger, everybody, calm down. 143 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:05,466 Ray says he can land us at Nellis. 144 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,968 You mean right at Area 51? 145 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:10,721 Yes, Pam. Happy? 146 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:14,683 I mean, yes. 147 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,482 MALORY: And who needs ice? 148 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,943 It's perfectly fine without ice. 149 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,861 Just ask Europe. 150 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,696 Lana? 151 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,240 No? 152 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:32,076 Come in, dear. What are you doing? Come in here. 153 00:07:32,244 --> 00:07:33,494 [LANA SIGHS] 154 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,538 Hello. Hello, dear. 155 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,207 Drink? Uh, no? 156 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,793 Well, you're not missing much. 157 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,128 No ice. Not a cube. 158 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,256 And I can't wait to hear her flimsy excuse this time. 159 00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,716 SOLDIER 1: Get out of the plane. SOLDIER 2: Put your hands up. 160 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,135 SOLDIER 3: Get out of the plane. 161 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,636 Now. Let's go. Let's move. 162 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,304 [ALL GROANING] 163 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,724 Wow, those guys look furious. 164 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:58,477 Yeah, no shit. So thank you, Ray. 165 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,479 For what, safely landing the plane? 166 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,107 What, like that cancels out getting it shot down? 167 00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:06,318 You were the one yapping your head off about my damn teacup pig. 168 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,571 Who I hope to see on my next BLT. 169 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:12,241 Well, too bad, because he went to live on a-- 170 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,034 A farm. Exactly. 171 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,912 So unless that farm had a magical talking spider-- 172 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,247 [GILLETTE GASPS] 173 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:21,167 Yeah. They don't keep them around for their milk. 174 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,003 And I don't know that we're accomplishing as much as we could be right now. 175 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,546 [CLATTERING] 176 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,674 Hm. How about now? 177 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,509 KRIEGER: Oh, my God, I bet it's nerve gas. 178 00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,762 Just like they sprayed on Duddy Kravitz in Close Encounters. 179 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,557 CYRIL: Wait, what? It's not nerve gas, you idiots, it's-- 180 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:39,185 KRIEGER: Do you think the CIA's above nerve gas? 181 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,729 I-- Holy shit, that's right. It's the CIA. 182 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,105 I've got Q clearance. 183 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,398 PAM: Really? CHERYL: What? 184 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,817 What does that even mean? It means get naked. 185 00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:49,778 Come on, let's go. Gun's out, buns out. 186 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,822 Don't shoot! SOLDIER 1: Hands up, everybody. 187 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,992 ARCHER: We're coming out. Don't shoot. God. This is horse shit. 188 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,369 Great, underpants. ARCHER: Do not shoot. 189 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,371 Guys, it's okay. SOLDIER 2: He's got a weapon. 190 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625 He's got a weapon. Q clearance! I've got Q clearance! 191 00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,543 Seriously, is that even a real thing? 192 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,962 Q clearance? We'll see about that. 193 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,797 What's your authentication phrase? 194 00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:15,221 Sweet-44, tender-9, hot-juicy pork chops. I didn't pick it. 195 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,891 Authentication checks out, sir. Says here he's, uh, Agent Slater. 196 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,852 Huh. Well, Agent Slater.... 197 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,395 PAM: What? ARCHER: Shut up. 198 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,105 How'd you get Slater's code word? 199 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:28,943 You mind telling me why in God's green dick you were in my airspace? 200 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:33,822 Well, our airspace, for starters, right? Since I have CIA clearance and all. 201 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:37,326 And not that it's any of your business, uh, lieutenant.... 202 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,161 Colonel. Lieutenant colonel. 203 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:43,207 But during transport of these prisoners-- Black site, pretty icky stuff. 204 00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:45,459 --they attempted to overpower me... 205 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,753 ...forcing my pilot to make an emergency landing... 206 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,548 ...but before he could radio your tower for permission to land, boom! 207 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:54,969 And then, well, you know the rest. Is this true? 208 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:58,013 Uh-- He's Israeli, so just Hebrew, unless.... 209 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,848 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 210 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,892 So, no, just Hebrew. 211 00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:04,812 Then how was he gonna radio the tower? Which, I mean-- 212 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:08,190 Yeah, exactly. And if I spoke Hebrew, I would ask him. 213 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:12,152 Right after I ask your wife and kids about you, but they don't know. 214 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,364 They haven't seen you in a year. They think you ran off with a stripper. 215 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:19,410 When in reality, you were literally climbing the walls of a farmhouse in Virginia... 216 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,203 ...out of your mind on LSD... 217 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:24,999 ...compliments of the CIA and MKULTRA. Jesus Christ. 218 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,751 So while you're finding me a new airplane, Air Force guy... 219 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,879 ...we're gonna need some sort of shuttle to.... 220 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,048 I assume you have an officer's club? Yep. 221 00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:35,509 Jeeps! Give me two jeeps up here on the double. 222 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,052 Jeeps, goddamn it, jeeps! 223 00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,347 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 224 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:42,933 LANA: I'm sorry? You're sure you don't want a drink? 225 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:45,227 Yeah, in the low 90's on that. 226 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:46,854 Suit yourself. 227 00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,398 So. And how is our little Abbiejean? 228 00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,692 Oh, yeah, she's good. 229 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,570 Great, actually. And I'm really liking her nanny. 230 00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:58,574 Mm. Hispanic? Ah. She's actually Polish. 231 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,159 Is that supposed to be better? 232 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,660 What? No. They're both-- 233 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:02,995 Abbiejean. 234 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,663 That's from where, again? 235 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,999 Again, it was my grandmother's name. 236 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,502 Hm. You know what I think would be wonderful? 237 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:14,673 A border moat? Is if she had her grandmother's name. 238 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:18,177 Well, yeah, and obviously I talked to my-- Mother of God, you mean you. 239 00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,180 Thoughts? ARCHER: They don't have my brands. 240 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,432 I don't even recognize most of these. 241 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,185 Maybe instead of worrying about what cocktails to make-- 242 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,772 That's what I'm saying, Cyril. I don't even know if I can make cocktails. 243 00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,941 What the hell's the Air Force spending all those kajillions on? 244 00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,526 "O'Dublin Tequila"? 245 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,780 Vodka, maybe. They obviously know their way around a potato, but-- 246 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:41,116 My point is maybe you should worry about what's gonna happen to us... 247 00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:45,204 ...when they find out you're not Slater. I should worry about all kinds of shit. 248 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,539 But you know what they say about stress. 249 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,749 [DOOR OPENS] 250 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,292 [CHITTERING] 251 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,710 ARCHER: Come on, anybody? 252 00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,796 [BOTH SCREAM] 253 00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:56,131 ARCHER: Exactly, the silent killer. 254 00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,301 [BOTH BABBLING] 255 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,428 What? What is wrong with you? 256 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:04,348 Jesus, use your talking words. Just slap her. 257 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:08,018 Ho-- Ho-- Holy shit-snacks. Did you guys see that? 258 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,561 CHERYL: See what? CYRIL: What are you talking about? 259 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,605 It was-- It-- It-- Just slap him. 260 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,065 PAM: Come on. 261 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,567 Ugh. Where are you going? 262 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,986 Oh, goddamn it. You think? 263 00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,738 Yeah, it's worse than I thought. 264 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:20,948 [COUGHS] 265 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:22,324 We might even have to use sour mix. 266 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,701 I am talking about Pam and Krieger... 267 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:28,205 ...running around a top-secret military installation in their underwear! 268 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:31,333 When they're supposed to be prisoners. Yeah, that's no good, huh? 269 00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:34,211 They'll probably shoot them on sight. CHERYL: Heh-heh. 270 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,963 Well? Well, what, Cyril? 271 00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:39,174 Yes, obviously I'm gonna go after them. 272 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,515 So just calm down, do something with your hands. 273 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,183 Uh, cut some limes. 274 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,435 [ALARM WAILING] 275 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,521 WOMAN [OVER PA]: Security breach, Sector 9. 276 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:56,024 No, but seriously, Cyril, cut some limes. 277 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:59,111 Like, six. 278 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,869 WOMAN [OVER PA]: Security breach, Sector 9. 279 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:10,122 You think that's for us? I don't know. What sector is this? 280 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:13,208 What am I, this map? Oh, wait. 281 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,711 Oh, crap, this is totally nine. 282 00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,296 Eh. Could be a coincidence. 283 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,881 Yeah, like just a fire drill. 284 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:22,301 Although it's probably because they found that poor kid you clobbered. 285 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:26,096 You don't think I killed him, do you? What am I, a doctor? 286 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,098 ARCHER: Heh-heh. Ouch. 287 00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,350 So guess Pam came through here. 288 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:33,729 Jesus, it's like tracking a bear. 289 00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:37,065 Wait, you're breathing though, right? 290 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,275 [MOANS] 291 00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:41,069 Attaboy, shake it off. Bet you probably just have a brain-- 292 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,946 SOLDIER: Freeze. 293 00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:45,532 Hey, guys. Drop it. I said drop it. 294 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,619 [CUP CLATTERING] 295 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,580 [BELCHES] 296 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:52,873 It was empty anyway. 297 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,958 The weapon. Drop the weapon. 298 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,794 What, on the floor? Are you serious? 299 00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:01,089 Hey, you may not know this, since I assume you get yours for free... 300 00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:04,551 ...but guns are actually pretty expensive. I'm gonna count to three. 301 00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:05,969 Count to whatever you want. 302 00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:09,056 A hundred thousand. Mm-hm. 303 00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:11,517 Dollars. Mm.... 304 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,435 To name my kid after you? 305 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:17,356 I think it's quite generous. I think it's quite bat-shit insane. 306 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,691 Well, I-- And Ron can afford it and-- 307 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:24,112 I'm not selling you the naming rights, Malory. She's not a fricking bowl game. 308 00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:26,281 [SOBBING] 309 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:27,824 Ugh. 310 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,034 Oh, now.... 311 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,577 [MALORY CONTINUES SOBBING] 312 00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:31,787 [LANA SIGHS] 313 00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,414 I mean, if it means that much to you... 314 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:37,000 [MALORY CONTINUES SOBBING THEN LANA SIGHS] 315 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:42,422 ...I guess maybe Malory could be her middle name. 316 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:43,757 Really? 317 00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:45,133 [LANA SIGHS] 318 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:46,885 Yes. 319 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,806 Well, obviously that's not worth a hundred thousand dollars, but-- 320 00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:52,891 Fifty? Pfft. Twenty-two-five... 321 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:58,230 ...and I want a notarized copy of the revised birth certificate on my desk by Friday. 322 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,649 I-- Oh, and christen her in a white church... 323 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,110 ...and I'll kick in five more. 324 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,529 Wow. 325 00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:06,780 Real life ETs. 326 00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:09,700 My God, I hope we find them. I have so many questions. 327 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,452 Heh. Like what? How to build a better anal probe? 328 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,789 Right? I bet their anal technology is light-years ahead of mine. 329 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:18,417 A light-year's a unit of length, dipshit. 330 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,044 Well, whatever then. Parsecs. Length. 331 00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:22,421 I-- Hey, you know what? 332 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,966 I know how far light travels in a vacuum in a Julian year. 333 00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:30,095 Oh. Very good, Pamela. 334 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,848 I-- That-- My-- I-- 335 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,600 You know my name? 336 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,853 Yes, Pamela. And yours, Algernop. 337 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,188 But-- But-- But-- English? 338 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,567 Yeah, head. 339 00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:44,860 Head. 340 00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,487 Pam, I think he means telepathy. 341 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,532 Holy shit, like in Scanners? 342 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,992 KRIEGER & ALIENS: No. 343 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,161 No, no, wait. I have Q clearance. 344 00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,330 Bullshit. Firing in three... 345 00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,540 ...two-- No, stop it. Look, I'm serious. 346 00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:02,002 Just radio Lieutenant Colonel. He can straighten this whole thing out. 347 00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,087 Lieutenant Colonel who? What? 348 00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:06,590 Lieutenant Colonel who? 349 00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,634 Oh, my God. 350 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:12,220 Whoa. Wow. All right, this is pretty embarrassing. 351 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:17,225 I thought that guy was a lieutenant, and that his last name was Colonel. 352 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,436 In three, two-- Wait! 353 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:23,940 Goddamn it. Look, I was just trying to get home from Vegas. 354 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:27,235 So, okay, here, you can have my weapon. 355 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:29,279 But I do have some conditions. 356 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:30,864 Uh, what conditions? 357 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:33,033 Well, you're not gonna like them. 358 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,619 [GRUNTING] 359 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,549 Whew. 360 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:53,679 And not to knock the Air Force, but good thing you guys have airplanes. 361 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,264 Unh. I got a cousin in the Air Force. 362 00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:59,309 Brian. I should give him a call. 363 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,144 Should we, uh...? 364 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,522 Guys, I really feel like we should be doing something. 365 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,483 CHERYL: Ugh. We are. Come on, nothing by The Drifters? 366 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:10,237 Tams? The Dominoes? The Embers? They call this classic rock. 367 00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,906 What is this, Myrtle Beach? 368 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:16,493 Ray, is this Myrtle Beach? No. 369 00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:17,703 [BOTH SOBBING] 370 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,871 And that, my dear Earthlings... 371 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:24,167 ...is the key to understanding the entire universe. 372 00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:27,337 Well, at least as we understand it. 373 00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:28,922 Yes. 374 00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:33,635 Take us with you. 375 00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,971 ARCHER: I will, if you shut up. 376 00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:39,224 PAM & KRIEGER: Wha--? 377 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,144 [PAM BABBLING AND ARCHER GRUNTING] 378 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:45,313 What the hell, Krieger? Did you shove your dick in a socket? 379 00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:48,400 Did--? Did--? Did--? Ouch! 380 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,736 Krieger, I am in no mood. Now get dressed. 381 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,030 CHERYL: Ugh. Seriously? Yes, seriously. 382 00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:58,744 We're gonna walk out of this building, into a hangar, and steal an Air Force plane. 383 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,705 While we're doing that, I could do with less shit from you... 384 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:04,583 ...since all I wanted was a ride home. 385 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,753 On my private jet. Wha--? Yes. 386 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,922 Can--? Can we talk for a second about what happened? 387 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:15,886 Uh, is that before or after Krieger sexually assaulted a 220 outlet? 388 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,179 Area 51. 389 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,848 No. You guys, I swear, they were al-- 390 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,850 Pam, seriously, get your shit together. 391 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,145 We have to go steal a plane from the United States Air Force. 392 00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,650 Which not as hard as I would've thought. 393 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,652 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 394 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,738 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 395 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,406 ARCHER: Yeah? You guys good? 396 00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:38,325 If you want a drink, just-- Wha--? 397 00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,703 Because it's just de-icing fluid and Tang. 398 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,288 Tell me. 399 00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:45,499 Tell me you saw them. I-- 400 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:49,336 Pam, I saw a blinding white flash, that's it. No ET, no ALF.... 401 00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:51,671 But-- But you believe me, don't you? 402 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,840 You believe I'm telling the truth. 403 00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:58,678 Pam, the truth is out there. 404 00:18:58,846 --> 00:18:59,888 [GASPS] 405 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,598 So you do believe me? 406 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:04,726 Heh. No. You stupid idiot. 407 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,562 Alrighty then, I think I'm sufficiently drunk enough... 408 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:11,149 ...so who's up for Branson? GILLETTE: Yay! 409 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:14,069 CHERYL: Swearsies, realsies? ARCHER: Yeah. 410 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:16,905 Does this thing have bombs on it? 31823

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