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1
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[PHONE RINGING]
2
00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:10,927
[CONTINUES RINGING]
3
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[SIGHS]
4
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,729
What?
5
00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,773
Ugh. Yes, I'll accept the charges.
6
00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:25,066
[ARCHER COUGHING OVER PHONE]
7
00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:28,319
Goddamn, who is it? Cancer?
ARCHER: Oh.
8
00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:30,446
I think it's Mr. Archer.
9
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:31,698
Hello?
10
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,908
ARCHER [OVER SPEAKER]:
Carol, hey, shut up. I need your help.
11
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,452
And that's how you ask?
ARCHER: Wait, Pam?
12
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,954
Is that you?
Yes.
13
00:00:38,122 --> 00:00:41,457
ARCHER: Great, shut up, because I'm talking
to Carol. Carol, here's the deal--
14
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:45,586
Let me guess, you're butt-hurt because Lana
hired some Pakistani dude to shoot you.
15
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,631
You went to Vegas,
now you're drunk and broke outside a casino.
16
00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:53,261
You want me to wire a thousand dollars to
buy you a plane ticket and a pre-flight whore.
17
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:57,432
ARCHER: Okay, I'm gonna list everything
you just said that's totally wrong.
18
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,976
A, not outside a casino, so--
19
00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:02,478
CHERYL:
Okay, it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up...
20
00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:03,855
...but--
No. Wait, wait.
21
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,898
Come on, I really need your help.
22
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:09,694
Ugh. Okay, where do I send the--?
Hang on.
23
00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:10,987
Make him beg.
24
00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:13,531
ARCHER: Pam, goddamn it, I said shut up.
You shut up.
25
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:16,826
Jesus, I'm sending you the money
for your stupid plane ticket.
26
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:18,786
ARCHER:
Which would be great...
27
00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:21,497
...if I were not on the no-fly list.
PAM: Ha-ha-ha-ha!
28
00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:25,084
CHERYL: How did you get on the no-fly list?
Uh....
29
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,294
[GRUNTING]
30
00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:28,671
Help! Get it off!
CO-PILOT: Oh!
31
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:31,132
I wanna fly the plane.
32
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,051
You know, who knows? It's the government.
That's not important.
33
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:36,804
What is important is getting me home.
34
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Ugh. Fine, then I'll send the money
for a stupid train ticket.
35
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,977
Which would also be great....
36
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,813
[GRUNTING]
37
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:48,441
I wanna fly the train.
38
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,736
Wow, I had no idea
there was a no-train list.
39
00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:54,030
Well, neither did I,
but apparently there is.
40
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:56,657
And before you ask,
the answer is no, Carol.
41
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,367
A thousand times no.
42
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:02,872
I will not, I cannot ride the bus.
43
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,124
Wha--? Stop. Goddamn it, I said no.
44
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,584
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
45
00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,044
Simone, I swear to God...
46
00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:10,338
...I will rub your own remaining teeth
in your eyes.
47
00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,548
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
48
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:13,716
[SPITS]
49
00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:15,218
You ain't got kick pants.
50
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:19,347
So I don't care what it costs me,
financially or self-respectfully...
51
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,892
...but I need you to do me a big favor.
52
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,019
Oh, thank you.
53
00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:26,896
Thank you, God.
54
00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:30,233
Yay!
Right?
55
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,819
Heh-heh-heh.
Archer, you look like shit.
56
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,028
And....
57
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,238
[ARCHER SIGHS]
58
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And obviously thank you too...
59
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,661
...Asmodeus, Destroyer of Men.
60
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,997
ARCHER:
All I needed was an airplane.
61
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,207
So why is it full of you idiots?
62
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,668
Well, I wasn't gonna sit
around the office all by myself.
63
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:31,878
[BELL DINGS]
64
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,172
Because one of us needed
some multi-engine time for his pilot's license....
65
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,384
And one of us would go pretty much
anywhere to piss off your mother.
66
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,636
MALORY [OVER INTERCOM]:
Hello?
67
00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,054
Hello?
68
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,389
Son of a--
69
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:47,059
Fine. Then I'll just get my own ice.
70
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,021
No. I'll drink it neat.
71
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,356
And me and Krieger
are all about going to Branson.
72
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:53,566
Boo-yah!
73
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,403
And I assume Branson is some sort
of all-one-cares-to-eat establishment?
74
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,613
CHERYL: Um....
KRIEGER: You're kidding, right?
75
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:02,575
It's only the biggest country music
tourist destination in the world.
76
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,328
Wait a minute, is this about Cherlene?
Who?
77
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:08,122
She has no memory of any of that.
Wait, what?
78
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:11,626
You don't remember being the number one
country singer in America?
79
00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:13,002
[SCOFFS THEN CHUCKLES]
80
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:16,297
Okay.
Besides, Branson isn't just country music.
81
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,799
There's Tony Orlando, Charo--
82
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,469
The comedy stylings of Yakov Smirnoff.
83
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,012
How do you not know about Branson?
84
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:26,682
I guess the same reason
I don't know what grits are or hush puppies.
85
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:27,892
PAM: You serious?
CHERYL: My God.
86
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,645
Hush puppies are little balls
of fried cornmeal batter.
87
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:34,732
Mm. Not really, though.
Well, and also shoes.
88
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:39,362
Well, thank you, Cyril. I was just angry,
now I'm confused and angry.
89
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:41,364
GILLETTE [OVER INTERCOM]:
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
90
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:44,867
This is Captain Ray Gillette,
welcoming you aboard from the flight deck.
91
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:47,787
- Flight time to Branson is about three hours.
- ARCHER: No, it isn't.
92
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:51,415
Shut up. And in the meantime,
if you look out the left side of the cabin...
93
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,001
...you can just make out
Nellis Air Force Base...
94
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:56,295
...home to Area 51.
95
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,672
Wait, what?
Seriously?
96
00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,007
CYRIL: Hey, watch it.
I can't see it. I can't see it.
97
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,676
See what? What's Area 51?
98
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:05,805
What's Area--? Are you shitting me?
Everybody knows about Area 51.
99
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:08,975
Even me, and I didn't even know
they made shoes out of cornbread.
100
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,186
It's where the government keeps
all the aliens that have crashed on Earth.
101
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,439
Well, allegedly, but--
Oh, my God. Cyril, shut up.
102
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,234
Oh, so you believe
the United States government...
103
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:21,362
...is actually harboring
extraterrestrial life-forms...
104
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,448
...at an Air Force base in the Nevada desert.
Heh. No.
105
00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:28,619
Ray, get in closer. I can't see jackdick.
GILLETTE: No, this is good.
106
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:31,122
That airspace is all extremely restricted, so--
107
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:32,915
KRIEGER: For the love of God.
PAM: You pussy!
108
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,750
Well, maybe a little closer.
ARCHER: Whoa!
109
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,252
Hang on. What are you doing?
110
00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,671
Heh. And what are you wearing?
111
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,590
It was in the crew locker.
I think it looks pretty sharp.
112
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,884
Really?
PAM: Ray, get closer!
113
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:45,386
Pam, shut up.
KRIEGER: Make her.
114
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:47,680
Look, Ray, I know you don't do well
with peer pressure--
115
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,724
Wha--?
Teacup pig.
116
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:50,975
Oh, yeah.
117
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,477
How big was Hamlet
when you had to get rid of it?
118
00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:57,565
He was up there.
Heh. Yeah, like 300 shit-covered pounds.
119
00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,942
Seriously, don't dick around
with the Air Force.
120
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,446
That's a top-secret base down there
and they've got surface-to-air missiles.
121
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:04,655
PAM: Ray!
Pam.
122
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:06,032
KRIEGER: Ray!
Krieger.
123
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,575
ALL: Ray!
What?
124
00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:08,784
God.
Damn it.
125
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,411
What?
That.
126
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,167
Goddamn it.
Everybody hang on.
127
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,418
[ALL YELLING]
128
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,713
Goddamn it.
I said hang on.
129
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,089
You know....
130
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,387
[ALL SCREAMING]
131
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,514
Jesus Christ, Ray, do something.
132
00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:33,517
Besides fly the goddamn plane?
Oh, you're already--
133
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:36,645
Sorry, I didn't know what the deal was.
I think I can land it.
134
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,315
But I gotta put it down at Nellis.
135
00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:42,485
Where the missiles are coming from?
It's either that or crash.
136
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:45,404
Okay, sorry, just making sure
there's not a third option--
137
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,822
Get out!
138
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,741
[ALL YELLING]
139
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,369
Are we gonna die?
140
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,792
Not today, gorgeous, not today.
141
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:01,337
I mean, probably today, but--
PAM: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
142
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,547
Krieger, everybody, calm down.
143
00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:05,466
Ray says he can land us at Nellis.
144
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,968
You mean right at Area 51?
145
00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:10,721
Yes, Pam. Happy?
146
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:14,683
I mean, yes.
147
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,482
MALORY:
And who needs ice?
148
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,943
It's perfectly fine without ice.
149
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,861
Just ask Europe.
150
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,696
Lana?
151
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,240
No?
152
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:32,076
Come in, dear.
What are you doing? Come in here.
153
00:07:32,244 --> 00:07:33,494
[LANA SIGHS]
154
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,538
Hello.
Hello, dear.
155
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,207
Drink?
Uh, no?
156
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,793
Well, you're not missing much.
157
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,128
No ice. Not a cube.
158
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,256
And I can't wait to hear
her flimsy excuse this time.
159
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,716
SOLDIER 1: Get out of the plane.
SOLDIER 2: Put your hands up.
160
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,135
SOLDIER 3:
Get out of the plane.
161
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,636
Now.
Let's go. Let's move.
162
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,304
[ALL GROANING]
163
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,724
Wow, those guys look furious.
164
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:58,477
Yeah, no shit. So thank you, Ray.
165
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,479
For what, safely landing the plane?
166
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,107
What, like that cancels out
getting it shot down?
167
00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:06,318
You were the one yapping your head off
about my damn teacup pig.
168
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,571
Who I hope to see on my next BLT.
169
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:12,241
Well, too bad, because he went to live on a--
170
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,034
A farm. Exactly.
171
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,912
So unless that farm
had a magical talking spider--
172
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,247
[GILLETTE GASPS]
173
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:21,167
Yeah. They don't keep them around
for their milk.
174
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,003
And I don't know that we're accomplishing
as much as we could be right now.
175
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,546
[CLATTERING]
176
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,674
Hm.
How about now?
177
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,509
KRIEGER:
Oh, my God, I bet it's nerve gas.
178
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,762
Just like they sprayed on Duddy Kravitz
in Close Encounters.
179
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,557
CYRIL: Wait, what?
It's not nerve gas, you idiots, it's--
180
00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:39,185
KRIEGER:
Do you think the CIA's above nerve gas?
181
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,729
I-- Holy shit, that's right. It's the CIA.
182
00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,105
I've got Q clearance.
183
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,398
PAM: Really?
CHERYL: What?
184
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,817
What does that even mean?
It means get naked.
185
00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:49,778
Come on, let's go. Gun's out, buns out.
186
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,822
Don't shoot!
SOLDIER 1: Hands up, everybody.
187
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,992
ARCHER: We're coming out. Don't shoot.
God. This is horse shit.
188
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,369
Great, underpants.
ARCHER: Do not shoot.
189
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,371
Guys, it's okay.
SOLDIER 2: He's got a weapon.
190
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
He's got a weapon.
Q clearance! I've got Q clearance!
191
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,543
Seriously, is that even a real thing?
192
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,962
Q clearance? We'll see about that.
193
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,797
What's your authentication phrase?
194
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:15,221
Sweet-44, tender-9, hot-juicy
pork chops. I didn't pick it.
195
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,891
Authentication checks out, sir.
Says here he's, uh, Agent Slater.
196
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,852
Huh. Well, Agent Slater....
197
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,395
PAM: What?
ARCHER: Shut up.
198
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,105
How'd you get
Slater's code word?
199
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:28,943
You mind telling me why in God's green dick
you were in my airspace?
200
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:33,822
Well, our airspace, for starters, right?
Since I have CIA clearance and all.
201
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:37,326
And not that it's any of your business,
uh, lieutenant....
202
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,161
Colonel.
Lieutenant colonel.
203
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:43,207
But during transport of these prisoners--
Black site, pretty icky stuff.
204
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:45,459
--they attempted to overpower me...
205
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,753
...forcing my pilot
to make an emergency landing...
206
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,548
...but before he could radio your tower
for permission to land, boom!
207
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:54,969
And then, well, you know the rest.
Is this true?
208
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:58,013
Uh--
He's Israeli, so just Hebrew, unless....
209
00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,848
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
210
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,892
So, no, just Hebrew.
211
00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:04,812
Then how was he gonna radio the tower?
Which, I mean--
212
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:08,190
Yeah, exactly.
And if I spoke Hebrew, I would ask him.
213
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:12,152
Right after I ask your wife and kids
about you, but they don't know.
214
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,364
They haven't seen you in a year.
They think you ran off with a stripper.
215
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:19,410
When in reality, you were literally climbing
the walls of a farmhouse in Virginia...
216
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,203
...out of your mind on LSD...
217
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:24,999
...compliments of the CIA and MKULTRA.
Jesus Christ.
218
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,751
So while you're finding me
a new airplane, Air Force guy...
219
00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,879
...we're gonna need
some sort of shuttle to....
220
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,048
I assume you have an officer's club?
Yep.
221
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:35,509
Jeeps! Give me two jeeps
up here on the double.
222
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,052
Jeeps, goddamn it, jeeps!
223
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,347
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
224
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:42,933
LANA: I'm sorry?
You're sure you don't want a drink?
225
00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:45,227
Yeah, in the low 90's on that.
226
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:46,854
Suit yourself.
227
00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,398
So. And how is our little Abbiejean?
228
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,692
Oh, yeah, she's good.
229
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,570
Great, actually.
And I'm really liking her nanny.
230
00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:58,574
Mm. Hispanic?
Ah. She's actually Polish.
231
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,159
Is that supposed to be better?
232
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,660
What? No. They're both--
233
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:02,995
Abbiejean.
234
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,663
That's from where, again?
235
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,999
Again, it was my grandmother's name.
236
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,502
Hm. You know what I think
would be wonderful?
237
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:14,673
A border moat?
Is if she had her grandmother's name.
238
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:18,177
Well, yeah, and obviously I talked to my--
Mother of God, you mean you.
239
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,180
Thoughts?
ARCHER: They don't have my brands.
240
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,432
I don't even recognize most of these.
241
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,185
Maybe instead of worrying about
what cocktails to make--
242
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,772
That's what I'm saying, Cyril.
I don't even know if I can make cocktails.
243
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,941
What the hell's the Air Force
spending all those kajillions on?
244
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,526
"O'Dublin Tequila"?
245
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,780
Vodka, maybe. They obviously know
their way around a potato, but--
246
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:41,116
My point is maybe you should worry
about what's gonna happen to us...
247
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:45,204
...when they find out you're not Slater.
I should worry about all kinds of shit.
248
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,539
But you know what they say
about stress.
249
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,749
[DOOR OPENS]
250
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,292
[CHITTERING]
251
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,710
ARCHER:
Come on, anybody?
252
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,796
[BOTH SCREAM]
253
00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:56,131
ARCHER:
Exactly, the silent killer.
254
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,301
[BOTH BABBLING]
255
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,428
What?
What is wrong with you?
256
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:04,348
Jesus, use your talking words.
Just slap her.
257
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:08,018
Ho-- Ho-- Holy shit-snacks.
Did you guys see that?
258
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,561
CHERYL: See what?
CYRIL: What are you talking about?
259
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,605
It was-- It-- It--
Just slap him.
260
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,065
PAM:
Come on.
261
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,567
Ugh. Where are you going?
262
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,986
Oh, goddamn it.
You think?
263
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,738
Yeah, it's worse than I thought.
264
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:20,948
[COUGHS]
265
00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:22,324
We might even have to use sour mix.
266
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,701
I am talking about
Pam and Krieger...
267
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:28,205
...running around a top-secret
military installation in their underwear!
268
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:31,333
When they're supposed to be prisoners.
Yeah, that's no good, huh?
269
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:34,211
They'll probably shoot them on sight.
CHERYL: Heh-heh.
270
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,963
Well?
Well, what, Cyril?
271
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:39,174
Yes, obviously I'm gonna go after them.
272
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,515
So just calm down,
do something with your hands.
273
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,183
Uh, cut some limes.
274
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,435
[ALARM WAILING]
275
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,521
WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Security breach, Sector 9.
276
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:56,024
No, but seriously, Cyril,
cut some limes.
277
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:59,111
Like, six.
278
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,869
WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Security breach, Sector 9.
279
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:10,122
You think that's for us?
I don't know. What sector is this?
280
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:13,208
What am I, this map? Oh, wait.
281
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,711
Oh, crap, this is totally nine.
282
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,296
Eh. Could be a coincidence.
283
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,881
Yeah, like just a fire drill.
284
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:22,301
Although it's probably because
they found that poor kid you clobbered.
285
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:26,096
You don't think I killed him, do you?
What am I, a doctor?
286
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,098
ARCHER:
Heh-heh. Ouch.
287
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,350
So guess Pam came through here.
288
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:33,729
Jesus, it's like tracking a bear.
289
00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:37,065
Wait, you're breathing though, right?
290
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,275
[MOANS]
291
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:41,069
Attaboy, shake it off.
Bet you probably just have a brain--
292
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,946
SOLDIER:
Freeze.
293
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:45,532
Hey, guys.
Drop it. I said drop it.
294
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,619
[CUP CLATTERING]
295
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,580
[BELCHES]
296
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:52,873
It was empty anyway.
297
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,958
The weapon. Drop the weapon.
298
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,794
What, on the floor? Are you serious?
299
00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:01,089
Hey, you may not know this,
since I assume you get yours for free...
300
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:04,551
...but guns are actually pretty expensive.
I'm gonna count to three.
301
00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:05,969
Count to whatever you want.
302
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:09,056
A hundred thousand.
Mm-hm.
303
00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:11,517
Dollars.
Mm....
304
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,435
To name my kid after you?
305
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:17,356
I think it's quite generous.
I think it's quite bat-shit insane.
306
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,691
Well, I-- And Ron can afford it and--
307
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:24,112
I'm not selling you the naming rights, Malory.
She's not a fricking bowl game.
308
00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:26,281
[SOBBING]
309
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:27,824
Ugh.
310
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,034
Oh, now....
311
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,577
[MALORY CONTINUES SOBBING]
312
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:31,787
[LANA SIGHS]
313
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,414
I mean, if it means that much to you...
314
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:37,000
[MALORY CONTINUES SOBBING
THEN LANA SIGHS]
315
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:42,422
...I guess maybe Malory
could be her middle name.
316
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:43,757
Really?
317
00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:45,133
[LANA SIGHS]
318
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:46,885
Yes.
319
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,806
Well, obviously that's not worth
a hundred thousand dollars, but--
320
00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:52,891
Fifty?
Pfft. Twenty-two-five...
321
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:58,230
...and I want a notarized copy of the revised
birth certificate on my desk by Friday.
322
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,649
I--
Oh, and christen her in a white church...
323
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,110
...and I'll kick in five more.
324
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,529
Wow.
325
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:06,780
Real life ETs.
326
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:09,700
My God, I hope we find them.
I have so many questions.
327
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,452
Heh. Like what?
How to build a better anal probe?
328
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,789
Right? I bet their anal technology
is light-years ahead of mine.
329
00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:18,417
A light-year's a unit of length, dipshit.
330
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,044
Well, whatever then. Parsecs.
Length.
331
00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:22,421
I-- Hey, you know what?
332
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,966
I know how far light travels in a vacuum
in a Julian year.
333
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:30,095
Oh. Very good, Pamela.
334
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,848
I-- That-- My-- I--
335
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,600
You know my name?
336
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,853
Yes, Pamela.
And yours, Algernop.
337
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,188
But-- But-- But-- English?
338
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,567
Yeah, head.
339
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:44,860
Head.
340
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,487
Pam, I think he means telepathy.
341
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,532
Holy shit, like in Scanners?
342
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,992
KRIEGER & ALIENS:
No.
343
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,161
No, no, wait. I have Q clearance.
344
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,330
Bullshit. Firing in three...
345
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,540
...two--
No, stop it. Look, I'm serious.
346
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:02,002
Just radio Lieutenant Colonel.
He can straighten this whole thing out.
347
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,087
Lieutenant Colonel who?
What?
348
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:06,590
Lieutenant Colonel who?
349
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,634
Oh, my God.
350
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:12,220
Whoa. Wow.
All right, this is pretty embarrassing.
351
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:17,225
I thought that guy was a lieutenant,
and that his last name was Colonel.
352
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,436
In three, two--
Wait!
353
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:23,940
Goddamn it. Look, I was just trying
to get home from Vegas.
354
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:27,235
So, okay, here, you can have my weapon.
355
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:29,279
But I do have some conditions.
356
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:30,864
Uh, what conditions?
357
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:33,033
Well, you're not gonna like them.
358
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,619
[GRUNTING]
359
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,549
Whew.
360
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:53,679
And not to knock the Air Force,
but good thing you guys have airplanes.
361
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,264
Unh. I got a cousin in the Air Force.
362
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:59,309
Brian. I should give him a call.
363
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,144
Should we, uh...?
364
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,522
Guys, I really feel like
we should be doing something.
365
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,483
CHERYL: Ugh. We are.
Come on, nothing by The Drifters?
366
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:10,237
Tams? The Dominoes? The Embers?
They call this classic rock.
367
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,906
What is this, Myrtle Beach?
368
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:16,493
Ray, is this Myrtle Beach?
No.
369
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:17,703
[BOTH SOBBING]
370
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,871
And that, my dear Earthlings...
371
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:24,167
...is the key to understanding
the entire universe.
372
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:27,337
Well, at least as we understand it.
373
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:28,922
Yes.
374
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:33,635
Take us with you.
375
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,971
ARCHER:
I will, if you shut up.
376
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:39,224
PAM & KRIEGER:
Wha--?
377
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,144
[PAM BABBLING
AND ARCHER GRUNTING]
378
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:45,313
What the hell, Krieger?
Did you shove your dick in a socket?
379
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:48,400
Did--? Did--? Did--? Ouch!
380
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,736
Krieger, I am in no mood.
Now get dressed.
381
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,030
CHERYL: Ugh. Seriously?
Yes, seriously.
382
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:58,744
We're gonna walk out of this building,
into a hangar, and steal an Air Force plane.
383
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,705
While we're doing that,
I could do with less shit from you...
384
00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:04,583
...since all I wanted was a ride home.
385
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,753
On my private jet.
Wha--? Yes.
386
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,922
Can--? Can we talk for a second
about what happened?
387
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:15,886
Uh, is that before or after Krieger
sexually assaulted a 220 outlet?
388
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,179
Area 51.
389
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,848
No. You guys, I swear, they were al--
390
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,850
Pam, seriously, get your shit together.
391
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,145
We have to go steal a plane
from the United States Air Force.
392
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,650
Which not as hard as I would've thought.
393
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,652
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
394
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,738
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
395
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,406
ARCHER:
Yeah? You guys good?
396
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:38,325
If you want a drink, just-- Wha--?
397
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,703
Because it's just de-icing fluid
and Tang.
398
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,288
Tell me.
399
00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:45,499
Tell me you saw them.
I--
400
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:49,336
Pam, I saw a blinding white flash, that's it.
No ET, no ALF....
401
00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:51,671
But-- But you believe me, don't you?
402
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,840
You believe I'm telling the truth.
403
00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:58,678
Pam, the truth is out there.
404
00:18:58,846 --> 00:18:59,888
[GASPS]
405
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,598
So you do believe me?
406
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:04,726
Heh. No. You stupid idiot.
407
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,562
Alrighty then,
I think I'm sufficiently drunk enough...
408
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:11,149
...so who's up for Branson?
GILLETTE: Yay!
409
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:14,069
CHERYL: Swearsies, realsies?
ARCHER: Yeah.
410
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:16,905
Does this thing have bombs on it?
31823
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