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1
00:00:02,586 --> 00:00:06,631
LANA: So that bag is clothes, that bag
is diapers, the cooler is breast milk.
2
00:00:06,799 --> 00:00:09,175
Which needs to go in the--
Where do you buy breast milk?
3
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:13,304
Ahh. You don't, Archer, you--
Heh. Oh, my God, will you relax?
4
00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,390
Here, have a cold-- Wow.
5
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,767
So no beer?
Why would I bring beer?
6
00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:20,061
Because you don't want me
drinking liquor?
7
00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:21,896
I don't want you drinking anything.
8
00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:23,231
What, that's all for her?
9
00:00:23,399 --> 00:00:26,901
I'll find a sitter.
Lana, relax, I won't drink while you're gone.
10
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:28,986
I take this very seriously.
11
00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:30,697
Well, or at least Woodhouse does.
12
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,700
Yeah, and if he was here--
Wait, what? Where is he?
13
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,118
[WHISPERS]
Rehab.
14
00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:36,285
Seriously?
15
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:39,163
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I know. At his age, it's like why even bother?
16
00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:42,417
Well--
I'm kidding. It's his annual three days off.
17
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:45,461
It's normally two
but I let him roll over one from last year.
18
00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:48,047
Your largesse knows no bounds.
19
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:51,592
Well, it's not paid.
Have you at least baby-proofed this place?
20
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,928
I don't think a baby can hurt anything.
21
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:58,516
No, not-- I mean, like firearms, for instance.
Are they stored securely?
22
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,144
Yes.
I'll find a sitter.
23
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:04,105
Lana, go. A.J.'s in good hands.
24
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:08,067
I know what I'm doing.
I've read 10 of The Baby-Sitters Club books.
25
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,319
Really?
Yeah. I'm totally a Kristy...
26
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,530
...with maybe like a dash of Claudia.
27
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:15,450
I won't have my phone.
When you realize you can't handle--
28
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:17,994
I won't.
But when you do, please shut up...
29
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:22,123
...this is the main number at the Zen Center,
and a staff member will come find me.
30
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,709
In your stupid, what is it, a wigwam?
31
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:27,086
It's a yurt.
Wow. Even stupider.
32
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,673
Archer, I'm serious.
Me too. Paying to spend 24 hours...
33
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:34,051
...sweating in a yurt
is literally the dumbest thing you've ever done.
34
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:37,472
Oh, I can think of a few more.
You're right.
35
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:40,224
This will help you shed
some of your negative energy.
36
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,810
My--
Have fun. Say hi to your spirit animal.
37
00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:43,978
[LANA GROANS]
38
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:46,147
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night.
39
00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:48,274
But I bet you'll call before then.
40
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,442
[CHUCKLES]
41
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,360
I bet I won't.
42
00:01:52,863 --> 00:01:55,239
Holy shit, I gotta wash that down.
43
00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:59,285
See that, A.J.? That was a teachable moment,
about a little thing called confidence.
44
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:03,748
And contrary to what you may have heard,
you can never have too much of it.
45
00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:06,083
Or bourbon. Where's the bourbon?
46
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,753
I gotta have some Irish.
Or at least some Scotch...
47
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,171
...or blended, or--
48
00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:13,007
Jesus Christ, Woodhouse, stock the bar.
49
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,718
Okay, here we go. So we have....
50
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:17,804
Tequila and coffee liqueur.
51
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:22,183
All right, so we can make--
I guess this will be a Black Mexican?
52
00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,351
[A.J. COOING]
53
00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:26,103
What? No, that's not racist. That's what it is.
54
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,981
If you added milk,
it would be a White Mexican...
55
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,193
But all we have is breast milk, ew,
which would make it...
56
00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,904
...a Rusty Krieger.
57
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:36,405
[GROANING]
58
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,741
God. Wow, that is mierda.
59
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,743
And also between us, okay?
60
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:43,162
Your mom likes to worry,
but she doesn't need to.
61
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,957
Because when you're with me, kid,
you're as safe as a bug in a--
62
00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,333
[DOOR CRASHES OPEN]
63
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:51,003
Archer!
Help! Please help, he's been shot.
64
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,755
Oh, good.
65
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,090
[A.J. CRYING]
66
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,843
For a second I thought you were Lana.
67
00:02:57,261 --> 00:02:58,636
[BELCHES]
68
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:37,550
[FAROOQ YELLING]
69
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:41,512
SLATER: Where's the goddamn first aid kit?
ARCHER: Behind the bar. And quit yelling.
70
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:42,889
FAROOQ:
Ow!
71
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,641
Why did you hit me?
Because get your shit together.
72
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:48,686
Get your shit together.
You're the one who's bleeding to death.
73
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:50,771
Yeah, from my ears. So shut up!
74
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,565
ARCHER:
Everybody shut up.
75
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,067
Because spoiler alert, this is a baby.
76
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,069
And why do you have a baby?
77
00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:00,406
Well, Slater, when a mommy and a daddy
love each other very much--
78
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,699
In your apartment.
79
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,785
Yeah, or a motel or a Porta-john or--
80
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,495
Are you trying to piss me off?
81
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:09,165
Ha. Not really.
Well, you are, so--
82
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,500
Why do you keep your first aid kit
in the bar?
83
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,712
Because that's where over 80 percent
of home accidents happen?
84
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,423
Wow. Really?
They happen in the bathroom.
85
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:21,260
Not in my home. Speaking of which,
why are you in it, and who is he?
86
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:24,263
Sterling Archer, this is Farooq Ashkani.
87
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,681
Yeah, hi.
88
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,099
Black Mexican?
Wh--?
89
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,019
Uh, hey, dick, I happen to be Pakistani.
90
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,647
[SPEAKING IN URDU]
91
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:37,109
I was offering you a drink,
but all I have is tequila and coffee liqueur.
92
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,111
Sorry, I thought you were being racist.
93
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,449
No. If anything you were,
if you think "black" or "Mexican" is an insult.
94
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:48,871
My child is actually multiracial, so--
Hang on, go back. You speak Urdu?
95
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,499
Huh? Oh, no, no. Just that one phrase.
96
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:56,587
The only phrase you know in Urdu
is "No shit, you goat-raping pig-devil"?
97
00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:59,298
What? I thought it meant "I'm sorry."
98
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:02,051
Huh. Probably why that night
in a Karachi whorehouse...
99
00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,553
...suddenly went from pretty bad
to much worse.
100
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:05,930
I'm gonna stop you there.
101
00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:10,017
Somebody should. I mean, this is a baby.
Because time's a bit of a factor.
102
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:13,729
Until yesterday, Farooq was a cyber-spy
for Pakistani intelligence.
103
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,856
But now he wants to come over
to our side.
104
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,234
Are we not on the same side?
105
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:19,443
FAROOQ & SLATER:
Eh.
106
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:22,154
Anyway, I was walking him
into a CIA safe house...
107
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:25,992
...but his former colleagues were waiting.
I had to shoot our way out of there.
108
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,743
But how did they know where the--?
Ahh!
109
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:31,330
Oh, my God, could the CIA have a leak?
110
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,499
That's what I said.
111
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:37,878
Anyway, until I find the leak and plug it,
I need you to babysit him.
112
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:41,757
And I object to the term "babysit"
because clearly I am not a baby.
113
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:46,262
And I'm already babysitting
what clearly is an actual baby, so--
114
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:48,514
She sure is. Can I hold her?
115
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,350
Um. Yeah, okay, you know...
116
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,019
...but be careful.
FAROOQ: I got her.
117
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,395
There we go.
118
00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:55,855
Archer, come on.
No.
119
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,606
Twenty-four hours.
No.
120
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,316
And a hundred grand.
Yes.
121
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:03,779
Okay. I'll call you after I deal with the leak,
then you'll bring him to the new safe house.
122
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,239
And payment will be...?
123
00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,575
By wire transfer. Is that a problem?
124
00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:11,662
No, I just didn't know if I should bring my sack
with the big dollar sign on it.
125
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:14,832
Just bring him. And I need to borrow a shirt.
Farooq?
126
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,460
Um....
127
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,171
Why do you--? Never mind.
128
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:22,048
There's a logic to all of it.
129
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,633
You're absolutely insane.
130
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:27,053
Ha-ha-ha.
SLATER: Goddamn crazy son of a....
131
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,262
Is he gone?
132
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:30,848
Yeah, he's--
Because kind of a dick, right?
133
00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:33,851
Right?
And what's the deal with that safe house?
134
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:38,647
Am I right? Come on,
they should call it a misnomer house.
135
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,358
But this place is safe, though?
Yeah, I mean--
136
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:44,445
I mean, it's the penthouse
and I assume that's the only door--
137
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:48,449
Well, except for the terrace, but--
Yeah, so should we maybe lock that?
138
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:49,825
ARCHER:
Hey, shh!
139
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:52,661
I'm just kind of freaking out.
I just saw a guy get shot.
140
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,998
If you get her started again,
you're gonna see you get shot, so--
141
00:06:56,166 --> 00:07:00,002
Yeah. Okay, so you have guns here, right?
Yes, I literally have tons of them.
142
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,422
Yeah, but--
Hang on. Not literally, but a lot.
143
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,925
Yeah, okay, but on you. I mean, like...
144
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,344
...are you strapped?
145
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,096
Am I strapped?
146
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,931
No, homie, I'm not.
147
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:15,059
Okay. So you don't have a gun on you,
is what I'm saying.
148
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:18,020
And no, is what I'm saying.
149
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,230
Okay, good.
150
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,732
Wh--?
Because that's gonna make this next part...
151
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,150
...a lot easier.
152
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,194
Well, for me.
153
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,200
[LAUGHING]
154
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:34,370
Oh, my God. Okay, good stuff.
155
00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:37,456
You had me going there for a second.
I'm sorry?
156
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,542
I can't believe Lana set this up.
157
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,752
Just so I'd call and ask for help.
158
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,214
And you got Slater in on it?
With the fake blood?
159
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,966
Oh, man, she is pathetic.
160
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,300
[ARCHER YELLS
AND A.J. CRIES]
161
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,970
What the shit? You shot me.
162
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:54,390
Well, I wanted your full attention.
Well, you nailed it, asshole.
163
00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:57,143
Jesus Christ,
did Lana pay you extra to shoot me?
164
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,687
Okay, I don't know this Lana, but--
I'm sorry?
165
00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:03,023
Yeah, me too.
She sounds like a real practical joker.
166
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,984
But I assure you, Mr. Archer...
167
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,986
...this is all very real.
168
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:11,323
Hey. Hey. Now, listen to me, all right.
Listen. I don't know what's going on...
169
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,577
...but you are gonna hand me the baby.
No, Mr. Archer, I am not.
170
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:19,039
Not until you take me to your headquarters,
so I can access the mainframe computer.
171
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:22,751
Yeah, I heard you, but I'm not going anywhere
until you put it up there.
172
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:23,961
Fine, whatever.
173
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,220
Wow!
174
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:36,056
You drive like a gaping dickhole.
175
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:42,688
So I guess there's no CIA leak.
176
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,274
Nope. My follow team created a diversion...
177
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:48,194
...so Slater would bring me to you,
so you'd bring me here.
178
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,946
Just don't hurt her.
I hope it won't come to that.
179
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:54,158
You really, really should.
Just make sure there are no surpri--
180
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:55,951
PAM:
Goddamn it!
181
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,870
What the--?
It's Friday night.
182
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,123
Why the hell are people still here?
I don't know. I guess it's--
183
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,751
Jeezy Petes! An inside straight?
184
00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:05,461
Come on.
185
00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:08,464
Got three on the hip,
I need four for the weekend.
186
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:10,049
I'm going to Hotlanta.
187
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,967
Have fun, I hope you get hate-crimed.
188
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:13,594
Hey, whoa.
KRIEGER: Goddamn, woman.
189
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:16,096
Seriously.
I'll hate-crime your ass right here.
190
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:17,306
RAY:
You know what?
191
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:20,893
Guys, come on. Can't we have one poker night
without a hate crime?
192
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:24,563
Okay, A, the thing last month
wasn't a hate crime.
193
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:28,484
Because I will straight-flush your brains
out the back of your skull!
194
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:29,985
It was just a regular crime.
195
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:33,656
And obviously now I put my gun
in the time-lock safe until the game's over.
196
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,992
So basically, the only thing keeping you
from murdering each other...
197
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,870
...is a lack of access to firearms.
Works for Canada.
198
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,330
Nothing works for Canada.
199
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,665
ARCHER:
Hey, guys.
200
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,667
PAM: Hey.
CYRIL: Hooray, it's Archer.
201
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,002
Is--? Are you playing strip poker?
202
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,588
CHERYL & CYRIL: No.
It just gets hot as balls in here.
203
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,590
KRIEGER: Literally.
Okay, well--
204
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,259
KRIEGER:
Hang on. Yeah, literally.
205
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,886
Right. I just came by because, um--
Aha!
206
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:58,514
You need help with the baby
and you can't call Lana...
207
00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:00,599
...so you came to ask one of us for help.
208
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,435
For your information, Cyril,
I don't need help with A.J...
209
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,437
...because I, um....
210
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,939
Hired a manny.
211
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,024
Hey, I'm Manny.
212
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,651
RAY: Manny the nanny.
CYRIL: Hello.
213
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:13,570
Black Mexican?
No, thank you, I probably shouldn't.
214
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:14,863
Shouldn't what?
215
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,573
Uh, swim across the Rio Grande?
216
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,701
KRIEGER: From Pakistan?
Where's Woodhouse?
217
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,536
My guess, Avenue D.
218
00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:24,707
Anyhoo, we just gotta grab, uh,
some baby stuff.
219
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,959
So we're gonna go do that.
220
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:31,255
Manny?
Good luck with your hate-cards.
221
00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:33,340
Go back to Canada, Guy Lafleur.
222
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:36,176
Okay, ante up, you goat-raping pig devils.
223
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,636
Nothing wild but the dealer.
224
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:41,390
KRIEGER: Hang on a sec. Did Archer
seem a little, like, scared to you guys?
225
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:42,808
Who, Archer?
Who cares?
226
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,978
Now that you mention it,
he did actually seem a little nervous.
227
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,563
PAM: Hmm. Maybe.
RAY: Maybe.
228
00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:49,106
I bet he's just on the CDL.
229
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,316
The what?
230
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,318
Canadian down-low.
231
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,904
Please, like you all wouldn't bang
Alan Thicke if you had the chance.
232
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:58,240
KRIEGER:
I think we should go check it out.
233
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,159
Well, if we're not gonna play poker.
234
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,369
I thought this was Ouija.
235
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,539
So those guys, kind of dicks, right?
236
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:06,999
Right?
Totally.
237
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,460
Okay, now enter
the command sequence string.
238
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,880
Okay, good.
Now once you've entered that....
239
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:14,715
Wow, still working on it.
240
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:18,177
You also type like a gaping dickhole.
Sorry, I don't wanna mess up.
241
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,429
Man, you are nothing like your file.
242
00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:25,059
All these stories about what a badass you are?
But I gotta tell you, Farooq's not seeing it.
243
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:28,562
Well, in those stories,
I'm probably not changing poopy diapers, so....
244
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:31,774
Do you seriously not even care
what I'm doing with your mainframe?
245
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,360
I honestly don't.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
246
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:38,781
I'm using it to backdoor my state-of-the-art
spyware into the CIA network...
247
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:42,659
...so Pakistani intelligence
will know everything they do in real time.
248
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:44,870
And why are you telling me this?
249
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,538
I'm-- Wait, what?
250
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,708
Now I'm just gonna tell the CIA,
and they'll find the spyware.
251
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:54,004
That was only one of many, many
possible things I could be doing.
252
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,214
Okay.
253
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:59,009
No, no. And the very fact that I told you
that's what I'm doing...
254
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:02,721
...I mean, that was clearly
misdirection. Right?
255
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,307
Okay.
Plus, I doubt you'll be talking very much...
256
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:08,811
...after I shoot you in the face.
Take it easy, I-- Ahh! Shit.
257
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,563
I don't have a will.
I'm a notary.
258
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,982
Wh-?
What the shit, Manny?
259
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:15,567
Uh--
Grr!
260
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:16,735
[A.J. CRYING]
261
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,320
Pam. Baby.
262
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,488
[PAM YELLING]
263
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,824
What the heck's going on in--?
264
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,576
[ROARING]
265
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,581
Well, you don't see that every day.
266
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,458
I didn't even see it today.
267
00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:34,628
Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
268
00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:36,213
ARCHER:
So here's the thing, Farooq.
269
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:40,968
I don't know about any stories,
but whatever badass shit that you heard I did...
270
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,220
...you really need some context.
271
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:46,390
Because pretty much my whole life,
right up until this minute...
272
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,642
...my default setting has been "half-ass."
273
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:49,810
[CRACKING]
274
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:53,564
But that was before I had a child.
A child you threatened to harm.
275
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:57,568
A child, I just realized,
who's probably on her way up to the roof...
276
00:12:57,735 --> 00:13:00,237
...so Aunt Pam can swat at biplanes.
277
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:06,452
Wait, what the hell am I doing?
The roof's the first place they'll look.
278
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:11,165
So imagine, as I literally beat you to death--
Hang on. Yeah, literally.
279
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,834
--that a giant hand has turned my dial...
280
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:16,545
...from half-ass to quadruple-ass.
281
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,547
Wow. That is a lot of ass.
282
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:21,383
Yeah, basically eight times the ass.
283
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:25,220
So can I just say one thing
before we get into all the beating to death?
284
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,890
What?
I still have a gun?
285
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,311
Oh, right.
286
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,900
RAY:
Well, what's going on in there?
287
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:41,403
Okay, so that lesbian au pair has a gun.
288
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:44,156
I think she's robbing Mr. Archer.
What au pair?
289
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,991
Wait, what?
The black Mexican.
290
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,743
Oh, for-- So, what should we do?
291
00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:50,621
Nothing. Until we consult the Ouija.
292
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,498
KRIEGER:
God, I love poker night.
293
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,834
So before you shoot me,
can I just say one thing?
294
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,252
What?
295
00:13:58,713 --> 00:13:59,880
[YELLING]
296
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,089
[CYRIL GRUNTS]
297
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,633
What the shit, Cyril?
298
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,718
[GASPING]
299
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,470
Really?
300
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:09,389
Take cover. Come on, Cyril.
301
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,642
Oh, for-- There's other desks.
No.
302
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,101
KRIEGER:
This one's good.
303
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:16,480
Damn it.
This is exactly how Brett died.
304
00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:19,107
Man, I wish he was still with us.
305
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,652
He could soak up some of these bullets.
306
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,781
God, finally. That's eight rounds,
including the one in my shoulder, so he's--
307
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,908
FAROOQ: Reloading.
Goddamn it.
308
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,661
Ray, gun.
It's in a time-lock safe.
309
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,329
What? Why?
310
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:35,040
Because Cheryl.
FAROOQ: I'm calling for backup.
311
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,042
[FAROOQ SPEAKING IN URDU]
312
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,796
What'd he say?
Well, my Urdu isn't as strong as I thought...
313
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:43,799
[SPEAKING IN URDU]
314
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,052
...but I'm gonna assume
he just called for backup.
315
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,388
So we gotta get to the armory.
It's empty.
316
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,223
It's-- What do you mean, it's empty?
317
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:55,310
When we got shut down. That guy--
Kevin. Kyle? Keith? Kenny?
318
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:56,895
Was it Kieran?
Rodney?
319
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,481
Rodney. Why was I thinking Kev--?
320
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:00,816
He stole everything.
321
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:03,652
He set himself up in Europe
as some kind of arms dealer.
322
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:07,489
RODNEY: Gentlemen, I'm afraid you mistake
my hospitality for weakness.
323
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:12,578
The price is the price. If you wish to negotiate,
you may do so with my associates.
324
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:15,706
[LAUGHS]
325
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,416
Apparently he's doing quite well.
326
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:20,544
FAROOQ: Reloading.
Remind me...
327
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:23,422
...if this asshole doesn't kill all of you
to do it for him.
328
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:27,426
KRIEGER: Uh, ha, ha, no.
And take that ridiculous thing off.
329
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,553
KRIEGER:
Make me.
330
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,513
Stop it. Cut it out. Stop. Ow.
331
00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:33,223
Wait a minute.
KRIEGER: Ow!
332
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,433
Give me that. Okay.
333
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:37,728
On my signal, I'm gonna draw his fire.
You make a run for it...
334
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:41,898
...find Pam and A.J., get them to safety
before the rest of these jerk-dicks get here.
335
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:44,151
What about Cheryl?
Who cares?
336
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:47,738
No, I'm genuinely asking.
337
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,741
While we're getting A.J. out,
what are you gonna be doing?
338
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:54,161
Krieger, the HVAC ducts are still chock full
of nerve gas, right?
339
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:55,412
Wait, what?
Yeah, but--
340
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,415
But shut up. Just get A.J. out,
I'll take care of the rest.
341
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:00,250
Archer, that's--
Heroic, I know.
342
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,085
I was gonna say overkill, but--
343
00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:05,047
Are you, on their side?
That asshole threatened to hurt A.J.
344
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,965
Come on.
Now that I think about it...
345
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,051
...this whole thing is totally her fault.
346
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:13,722
What, as far as field operations are concerned,
she's a huge liability.
347
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,975
Now shut up and wait for my signal.
FAROOQ: Reloading.
348
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,227
I should probably stop
saying that out loud.
349
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:20,896
Should we just go now?
350
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:25,817
I mean, yeah, you should have,
but it's probably too late now, so....
351
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,027
Now.
352
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,029
[SPEAKING IN URDU]
353
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,739
Quit saying that.
354
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,824
[YELLS]
355
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,242
We should've gone then.
356
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,495
[SPEAKING IN URDU]
357
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:42,125
Where do you think you're going?
358
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:43,460
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
359
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:46,254
Must protect baby.
360
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,589
[SLOW CLAPPING]
361
00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:49,549
What the--?
362
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,219
Not bad. I'm gonna give you a seven.
363
00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:54,304
Wait, what?
Me or him?
364
00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:57,182
No, him. Slater said you were great.
Aw, he's sweet.
365
00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:01,478
You, I took off a point because Pam
was feeding A.J. Vienna sausages.
366
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:04,147
Idiot. She's not on solid food yet.
367
00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:05,649
They weren't solid.
368
00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:10,070
The fact that you were pre-chewing them
and spitting them into her mouth--
369
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:11,279
What the hell is going on?
370
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,407
Shh! What is wrong with you?
371
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:14,574
[A.J. CRYING]
372
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:16,076
For starters I got shot. Twice.
373
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:19,830
Where did you get a real gun?
My cousin. The one you gave me looked fake.
374
00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:22,833
I thought a real one would help me
get into the character.
375
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,001
Oh, give it a rest, James Lipton.
376
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,337
He's an actor?
Well, mostly improv, but--
377
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,798
You set this whole thing up?
You had me shot?
378
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,341
You had Slater shot?
379
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:34,344
No, the CIA guys did his makeup.
Looked pretty real, though.
380
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,513
So cool.
Were you assholes in on this?
381
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,515
No.
I don't even know what's going on.
382
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,767
Oh, please, you can't tell them anything.
383
00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:43,437
Why would you do this?
384
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:47,274
I wanted to see if I could trust you
to take care of A.J. by yourself.
385
00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:50,235
Oh! Yeah, let's talk about trust.
386
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:53,113
Oh, let's talk about drinking
a gallon of Black Mexicans...
387
00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:56,032
...before driving around in a car
with your infant daughter.
388
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,452
Good point.
I was at gunpoint.
389
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,871
Also good.
Well, you still lied when you said...
390
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:03,540
...you weren't gonna drink.
You knew I was lying.
391
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:06,877
Well, that doesn't ex--
Wait, that's your excuse?
392
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:10,881
Yes, Lana. Now, if you'll excuse me.
393
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:14,217
I am in fairly desperate need
of medical attention.
394
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,720
All your fault.
395
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:20,056
Goddamn it. Why are you going up?
396
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:23,477
All right, I'd call this
a qualified success.
397
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:25,729
Yeah, I really feel like
I nailed it.
398
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:28,356
So you do improv, huh?
399
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,735
Yup, at Dream The Improvable Dream,
down at 23rd and Lex?
400
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:35,530
You guys gotta come down.
Maybe take a class, it's good for confidence.
401
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:38,742
Or just at least come out to a show.
Here's some flyers.
402
00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,535
Our upcoming shows are on there.
403
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:43,914
Plus there's a coupon for a free drink
if you're a lady, so....
404
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:47,876
Wait, is it not The Improv'able Dream?
405
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,088
Huh. That makes way more sense.
32436
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