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1
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:08,633
LANA: I don't know, it just feels weird.
ARCHER: That's just the altitude, dummy.
2
00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:12,011
LANA: I'm talking about the--
ARCHER: Try popping your ears. Go like this:
3
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:14,722
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
4
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:17,266
Goddamn it, it's not my ears.
What?
5
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,976
Sorry, my ears won't pop.
6
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,186
[SIGHS]
7
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,688
Ray, did you bring gum?
No.
8
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,857
Well, great, trip's ruined.
Sorry, Ray forgot to bring gum--
9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:29,404
I'm talking about the fact that we're about
to climb a Swiss goddamn fricking Alp...
10
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:30,947
...to assassinate somebody!
11
00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:35,702
The target's an assassin, Lana,
not a king or a pope or a vice-pope.
12
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:39,622
So it's not assassination.
It's just an extrajudicial killing.
13
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:40,957
And that makes it better.
14
00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:43,793
Yes, that's why they made up
a whole different word for it.
15
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:47,630
And the CIA told Mother the target
has killed judges and prosecutors...
16
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:50,591
...and bankers and generals
all over the world...
17
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:54,011
...so God knows how many actual
assassinations we'll be preventing.
18
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,889
Of course your mother would
do anything to impress the CIA.
19
00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:00,476
So--
Oh, my God. You have to try this.
20
00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:05,523
Hot cocoa, dark crème de cacao, hint of
creme de menthe, and peppermint schnapps.
21
00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:08,609
I call it a Peppermint Patty. Here.
22
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,863
Wow, that is your major loss.
Ooh, can I try it?
23
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,991
No. How hard is it to remember gum?
24
00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,869
Okay, so tonight we infiltrate
this swanky climbing party.
25
00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,455
Then tomorrow we extra-judicially
kill this guy.
26
00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:21,706
ARCHER:
Yeah, or woman.
27
00:01:21,874 --> 00:01:23,207
LANA: Excuse me?
RAY: What, what?
28
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:27,503
We kill whoever it is.
You don't know who the target is?
29
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:29,839
I mean--
Oh, goddamn it.
30
00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:32,925
And since you obviously didn't
read the mission dossier--
31
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:36,262
For your information, Lana,
I skimmed it.
32
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,848
And bully for you. Give it here.
33
00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,183
[SIGHS HAPPILY]
34
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,351
Goddamn it. Where the hell is it?
35
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:46,814
I assume on the back of my toilet.
What, Lana? Look at all the shit I had to pack.
36
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,901
I don't know what people are gonna
be wearing for après-monté.
37
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:51,778
And Ray didn't bring the gum.
38
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,279
[LANA GROWLS]
39
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:55,364
[SIGHS HAPPILY]
40
00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,283
Witch.
41
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:04,999
Just like every car trip
I ever took with Mom and Daddy.
42
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:08,461
Only I'm not getting whipped with a fan belt.
43
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:12,673
Lana, wait. I just remembered
a crucial detail about the target.
44
00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:15,092
I made a mental note
of it at the time.
45
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:19,847
Oh! Oh, my.
And you must be our late reservations.
46
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:24,227
Good to see some fellow Americans.
I'm your guide, Crash McCarran.
47
00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,813
Is, um...? I thought
there were three of you.
48
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,899
One of us is weeping in the car.
Oh. Uh....
49
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,025
Okay, well, come on in...
50
00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:33,945
...and meet the rest of the climbing party.
That's Hans Hessler from Germany.
51
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:36,072
Guten Abend.
52
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,866
CRASH: Mario Savino, from Italy.
Buonasera.
53
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:42,537
CRASH: And Michiko Ishikawa from Japan.
Konbanwa.
54
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:47,375
We're heading into the bar for some gluhwein.
Why don't you join us when you're ready?
55
00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:51,254
Well? What's this crucial detail
you remembered about the target?
56
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:56,801
The target was from a country that,
in World War Two, was an Axis power.
57
00:02:56,969 --> 00:02:58,302
[SIGHS]
58
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,472
Ray forgot the gum.
59
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:44,223
LANA:
So how'd you get the name Crash?
60
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,767
Oh, it's a long story...
61
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,479
...about me saving the lives of eight other
climbers right after an avalanche.
62
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:51,647
BOTH:
Sploosh!
63
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,942
Sorry?
Is I bet the sound an avalanche makes.
64
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:58,654
Uh, no, it's more like a freight train
full of tornadoes...
65
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:01,198
...which are in turn
full of smaller freight trains.
66
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,326
Which are in turn full of shit.
Sorry?
67
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,577
She just had a baby.
68
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,912
You know....
I didn't.
69
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,956
Well, we've got an extremely
difficult climb tomorrow, guys...
70
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,250
...so you might wanna take it easy on the--
71
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,754
Come on, if you've climbed it--
72
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:15,922
[BELCHES]
73
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,298
--how hard can it be?
74
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:18,799
[SIGHS]
75
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,262
CRASH:
Die Totenspitz.
76
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:27,224
For those of you who don't speak
German, that means....
77
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:30,353
Herr Hessler?
"The Peak of Death."
78
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,231
Fifteen thousand feet of some of the most
dangerous climbing in all of Europe.
79
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:37,193
Unstable seracs, frequent avalanches...
80
00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:41,781
...and hundreds of crevasses that can swallow
entire climbing parties in a split-second.
81
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:47,954
One in every seven climbers who has dared
to climb die Totenspitz has paid with his life.
82
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,164
So, yes, she's earned her name, all ri--
83
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:51,666
[ARCHER SLURPING]
84
00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:55,711
Ugh. Okay, people,
I want a good alpine start tomorrow.
85
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,672
So pack your gear and get some sleep.
86
00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:01,676
We head out at dawn.
And that's a.m.?
87
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:04,512
As opposed to?
P.M. Dawn?
88
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:08,182
"Set Adrift on Memory Bliss."
Come on, buddy.
89
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,893
The mountain is dangerous.
90
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,062
Very dangerous.
91
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:16,232
So you should watch your step.
92
00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:20,194
Okay, great climb, everybody.
93
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:21,862
Yay!
94
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:26,450
So instead of antagonizing
the person responsible for our safety--
95
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:29,912
What, shamelessly flirt with him?
Was it obvious?
96
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,624
Maybe call Malory on the sat-phone
and find out who the damn target is.
97
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,377
One step ahead of you.
98
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,754
May I please have the sat-phone?
99
00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:39,922
[GROWLS]
100
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:43,426
It's Mother's fault anyway, Lana.
You're obviously the one she should've--
101
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:44,677
[MALORY SIGHS OVER PHONE]
102
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,179
MALORY: What?
Mother, hey, it's me, quick question--
103
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,849
MALORY: Let me guess--
Oh, how's A.J.?
104
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:53,060
Because if the rash came back, she needs to--
Shut up, please?
105
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,855
Although actually, yes, how is A.J.?
106
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:59,358
MALORY: That's why you called?
No, actually I'm calling because--
107
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:03,154
MALORY: You haven't the foggiest idea
what it is you're supposed to be doing.
108
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,906
I know what, Mother, I just don't know--
109
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:07,658
MALORY: Let me speak to Lana.
Who?
110
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,035
MALORY: Lana!
No, I meant--
111
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,619
MALORY:
Sterling, let me speak to--
112
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,872
No, you'll tell her she's agent-in-command...
113
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,125
...so that when she's not pathetically
trying to make me jealous...
114
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,794
...by hitting on this idiot beard-face
sweater model...
115
00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:23,174
...she's gonna lord it over me and Ray,
who, by the way, forgot to bring gum.
116
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,051
MALORY: Are you finished?
Yes.
117
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:28,637
Good, because....
CHERYL: The voice mailbox of...
118
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:31,807
COMPUTER: Elaborate voicemail hoax.
CHERYL: ...is full.
119
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:32,975
Goodbye.
120
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,810
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
121
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:39,440
Huh. I guess you had that coming.
Wh--? How so?
122
00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:42,943
Give me that.
And if I wanted to make you jealous--
123
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,279
CHERYL: What?
Shut up. Let me talk to Malory.
124
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:46,739
CHERYL:
Make me, and also hang on.
125
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:47,907
[BLENDER WHIRRING]
126
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:52,328
What the stupid shit are you doing?!
You said you wanted watermelon.
127
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:55,247
Watermelon's red?
Yes.
128
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:59,502
How do you not know that?
Who am I, Charles Fredric Andrus?
129
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:02,880
Ahem. She didn't come in today.
LANA: Well, where is she?
130
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,591
Well, I assume somewhere else.
131
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,259
It's like--
132
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,594
[COUGHS]
133
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,721
Yeah, right?
You find it?
134
00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,681
No.
Find what?
135
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:16,018
Nothing. Just don't make
any sudden movements.
136
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,020
Bowel or otherwise.
Wh--?
137
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,855
Why would we make
a sudden bowel movement?
138
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,275
Eh.... Don't worry about it.
139
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:26,487
[GROWLS]
140
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,280
No answer at home, no answer on her cell.
141
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:33,410
So not only do we not know who the target is,
now your mother has absconded with my child.
142
00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:35,913
Yes, but on the plus side,
there are seven of us...
143
00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:40,084
...so if one out of seven climbers dies
on this mountain, maybe we'll get lucky.
144
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:43,963
Yeah, maybe it'll be you.
No, not me, dummy, I meant....
145
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:47,883
Oh, I get it. I see what you did there.
146
00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:49,635
Really?
147
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,804
Yes.
148
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,349
[LINE RINGING]
149
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:58,435
LANA:
Come on, come on.
150
00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,521
Pick up, pick up, pick up.
151
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:03,566
PAM: Hello?
Oh, thank God, you're still at the office.
152
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:04,775
PAM:
I am?
153
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:08,320
Oh, man.
LANA: Pam, I need you to find--
154
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,488
[SCREAMS]
155
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,323
LANA: Pam!
What? Goddamn it!
156
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,242
LANA: I need you to--
Shut up.
157
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,537
LANA: And listen! I need you to check
Malory's apartment for me.
158
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,581
CRASH:
All right, pick it up, people.
159
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,876
The weather's good now,
but it can change on a dime.
160
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:23,878
Michiko, right there, that's your line.
161
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:26,714
Now, stay on it
and work across toward the ridge.
162
00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:30,509
Hai, okay.
Looking good, guys, looking real good.
163
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,720
Oh, this old thing? It's just--
Keep walking.
164
00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:33,888
Uh-huh. Yep.
165
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,432
Sat-phone?
Yeah, sorry, I was just--
166
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:40,019
Keep it handy. I'm getting
a majorly weird vibe from, um....
167
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,271
Well, from one of the other climbers.
LANA: Oh!
168
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:44,607
Yeah, no, just tell him
you're not interested.
169
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:49,111
No, not him, one of the others.
Yeah, what's up? What are we doing?
170
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:52,448
Uh, besides jeopardizing the entire rope line
by being out of position?
171
00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:54,366
Yes, obviously besides that.
172
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,619
Crash has a bad feeling
about another climber.
173
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,370
Oh, he's harmless, just tell him--
174
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,290
Not Ray. One of the others.
Aha!
175
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,042
And also, ah-who?
176
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,127
Well, look, maybe it's nothing--
177
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,838
Get down!
You're not my supervi--
178
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:09,048
Oh, no!
179
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,258
Oh, no!
180
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:14,511
[ALL SCREAMING]
181
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,433
Oh, no!
182
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,978
Hang on!
183
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,274
PAM:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
184
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,235
Hang on!
185
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,737
I got a key, you skimpnuts.
186
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,782
Oh, yeah, me too.
187
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,618
Why do you have keys
to her apartment?
188
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:41,247
Ron gave them to us, when they were
doing that weird open-house thing.
189
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,208
Open marriage.
Oh!
190
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,502
Well, that explains that, ha, ha.
191
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:49,004
You both had sex with,
hopefully, Ron?
192
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,340
[IN UNISON]
Don't worry about it.
193
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:54,343
But I just wanna say,
breaking into Ms. Archer's apartment...
194
00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:57,930
...to hopefully find a crying baby clinging
to her dead and shriveled body...
195
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,057
...is the best birthday present
I've ever gotten.
196
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:01,225
[BELCHES]
197
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,103
Except for that Formula 1 team.
198
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:05,729
Dibs on snacks.
199
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,483
Looks like Pam's lucky night.
200
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:14,280
Because of the snacks, you dickholes.
201
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,699
Although....
202
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,702
Michiko! Michiko!
203
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,871
I can't see her. There's a ledge.
Hang on, I'm coming.
204
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,415
Do not move. Don't move.
205
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,709
Everybody stay put,
keep the weight spread out.
206
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:30,254
I'm gonna clip on, abseil down
on a V thread and try to reach her.
207
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:31,422
I'm gonna....
208
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:33,507
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
209
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,676
Check out my beard.
210
00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:38,345
Little jealous?
Little bit, yeah.
211
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:39,930
No, no, no, damn it.
212
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:44,268
Guys, be ready to pull on my command,
and we gotta hurry. A storm's coming.
213
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:47,688
Um, should somebody
call the Ghostbusters?
214
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:51,775
Okay, here goes.
And pull on my command.
215
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,820
So will your feelings be super-hurt
if I bang him?
216
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,238
RAY:
Yes!
217
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,948
CYRIL:
No, nothing in the study.
218
00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,159
Krieger, how about
the other guest bedroom?
219
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,871
KRIEGER: No, nothing.
CYRIL: No sign of Ms. Archer or the baby?
220
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:06,915
Pam, how about in the kitchen?
221
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,418
Pam?
PAM: No, nothing.
222
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:12,254
CYRIL: You better be eating snacks.
PAM: Ew!
223
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,340
KRIEGER:
Wait, yeah, where is Carol?
224
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,925
[CHERYL VOMITING]
225
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:20,846
Oh, God, somebody kill me.
226
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,432
We thought you threw up.
227
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,267
BOTH:
Ew.
228
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,519
What are you...? Is that a radish?
229
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:31,440
And literally the most fattening thing
in the entire goddamn fridge.
230
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:34,401
No wonder she's so fricking skinny.
231
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:38,989
Everything else is in plastic bags.
What was that?
232
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,492
Don't worry about it.
233
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,412
CRASH: Okay, ready?
ALL: Ready!
234
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,081
CRASH:
Pull!
235
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,249
[ALL GRUNTING]
236
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:54,505
Okay, okay. Ease up, ease up.
237
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:57,383
[IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
...Michiko?
238
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:58,550
She's dead.
239
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,052
[BOTH SPEAK
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES]
240
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,471
The fall must have broken her neck.
241
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:06,141
Oh, my God.
Well, now, that could be very good for us.
242
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,560
Japan? Axis power?
243
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,686
Okay, people, listen up.
244
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:13,482
We've got a blizzard rolling in on us right now.
There's no time to descend.
245
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,485
We've gotta bivouac right here, right now.
246
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:17,986
Come on, people, let's move.
247
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:21,407
But what about Michiko?
You mean her body?
248
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,659
But--
She's dead, but we're alive.
249
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:26,662
And you never let the dead
jeopardize the entire party.
250
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,998
You'd know that if you were
an experienced climber like you said.
251
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:33,502
You think it's Hessler?
Axis power Germany.
252
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:36,380
Axis power Italy.
253
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,508
Then, yeah, I don't know.
Goddamn it.
254
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:42,386
Okay, listen up, people.
Now, we've only got two bivvy tents.
255
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:43,554
Tada!
256
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:47,641
And two bivvy sacks. But that's okay,
because it's gonna hit 70 below...
257
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:50,936
...so if we wanna live, we're gonna
have to combine our body heat.
258
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,856
Wait, do huh?
So, what we're gonna do is strip down naked.
259
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:55,941
We'll go three to a tent, three to a bag.
260
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:59,194
I actually have some thoughts on that,
who-should-go-where-wise.
261
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:01,864
We go with him. Americans go there.
262
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,283
Well, now, let's just hear him out at least.
263
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,452
As if.
No, she was totally in there.
264
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,288
Hurry up. Get in your tent,
huddle up, and hang on tight.
265
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,790
The wind's probably gonna hit
a hundred miles--
266
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,834
RAY: Shut the goddamn door!
LANA: Zip it up.
267
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:18,005
ARCHER:
I am, obviously, if you'd shut up.
268
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,550
LANA: Nope.
ARCHER: What?
269
00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:24,595
I am not riding bitch in this tent.
ARCHER: You have to.
270
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:27,514
It's the only way to keep
Ray's genitals away from mine.
271
00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:31,018
RAY: Oh, as if.
LANA: Uh-uh. No, no.
272
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:34,104
Ray is the DMZ.
ARCHER: Ugh. Goddamn it.
273
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:37,733
Oh, please, I ought to be worried
about your dirty old junk touching mine.
274
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:43,238
Ray, if I ever have sex with a man,
it'll be a man who remembers the gum.
275
00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:47,409
And, not that it matters, also black.
276
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,674
ARCHER:
Eat a dick, blizzard.
277
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,718
Can you see anything?
ARCHER: Besides snow?
278
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:05,886
[LINE RINGING]
279
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,889
Yes, Archer, besides snow.
ARCHER: Hang on.
280
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,100
Hang on.
281
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:17,314
No.
Now nobody's answering their damn phones.
282
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:20,651
I tried Cyril, Pam, Cheryl,
now I'm even trying Krieger.
283
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,361
Where the hell is everybody?
284
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,029
[PHONE VIBRATING
AND RINGTONE PLAYING]
285
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,156
MAN: Teutonic butts
CHORUS: Teutonic butts
286
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:29,701
MAN: White on white butts
CHORUS: White on white butts
287
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:33,539
MAN: Teutonic butts
CHORUS: Teutonic butts
288
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:34,748
[RINGTONE STOPS]
289
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:39,002
[ALL VOMITING]
290
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:43,006
Seriously, I swear to God, somebody,
please, come in here and kill me.
291
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:46,510
I would if I had the strength, dick.
CYRIL: What did I do?
292
00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:51,473
You poisoned us. With that stupid seviche
nobody asked you to bring.
293
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:57,271
CYRIL: You asked me to bring it.
I didn't know what seviche was.
294
00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:59,773
Uh, hey, guys?
CHERYL: What do you want?
295
00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:04,111
I don't think it was the seviche.
ARCHER: Huh.
296
00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:05,612
LANA:
What, can you see something?
297
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:08,657
Uh, yeah.
Well, you wanna share it with the rest of the--?
298
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,951
Jesus Christ!
299
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,703
That's Hessler and Savino.
300
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:16,748
Who I think just did our job for us,
because we are out of Axis powers.
301
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,166
CRASH: Morning, gang.
ALL: Aah!
302
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,253
Who's ready for a piping-hot cup
of fair-trade practices?
303
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,964
What the hell happened to them?
Ahh, hypothermia.
304
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:28,218
No shit, they're naked in the snow.
It's called paradoxical undressing.
305
00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:30,470
You see it sometimes
with severe hypothermia.
306
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,141
The poor bastards rip off all their clothes
and run out into the snow.
307
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:36,810
With belts on their necks?
What's that?
308
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,562
[CRASH SIGHS]
309
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:43,108
Yeah, man, that hypothermia,
make you do some pretty crazy shit.
310
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,694
But--
Irish bastard.
311
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,364
What? What's that?
McCarran. That's an Irish name.
312
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:52,868
Uh, yes, Scotch-Irish,
but, uh, I'm actually Canadian.
313
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,537
Save the blarney for the Colleens, Paddy.
314
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:56,872
What?
What are you--?
315
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,124
He's the target.
What?
316
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,043
I just remembered from the dossier.
317
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:05,380
Patrick McCarran, mountain-climbing
enthusiast-slash-assassin.
318
00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:08,216
Okay, first of all....
319
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:09,968
BOTH: Lana!
Yeah, that's true.
320
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,888
Although I prefer the term "cleaner"
to "assassin."
321
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:16,141
That's just smart branding.
And I'm actually Canadian, not Irish.
322
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,351
As is that.
323
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:20,228
Those jagoffs and the Japanese broad
were from Interpol.
324
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:23,649
They've been on me for months,
but didn't know that I was on to them.
325
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,527
I sent her down into that crevasse,
then went down and broke her neck for her.
326
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,946
Those two,
well, that's kind of self-explanatory.
327
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:32,032
They died in your arms.
Hang on.
328
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,909
Lana, hush.
Yeah, shut up.
329
00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:36,912
I thought you three were
just some idiot wannabe tourists...
330
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,539
...but now can I assume you're CIA?
331
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:42,209
No, you know what, Paddy?
Hang on.
332
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:43,418
CRASH & ARCHER:
Shut up.
333
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,004
And I said, hang the fricking shit on!
334
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:50,342
Okay, God.
So where did you get Axis power?
335
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:53,178
Ireland?
Again, I'm actually Canadian.
336
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:57,265
And Ireland was not an Axis power.
337
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,727
You sure?
They were neutral, you asshole!
338
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,604
Oh, that's right.
339
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:03,772
[LAUGHS]
340
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:06,817
Gaping asshole. Because I don't know
what your plan was with that gun...
341
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:10,028
...but there's four feet of new wet snow
on top of the ice crust.
342
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:13,782
So if you fire that thing, I guarantee you
it's gonna trigger an avalanche.
343
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:17,536
Well, Paddy, if there's one thing I've learned...
Wait, wait, Archer--
344
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:21,039
...it's that there's no guarantees
in this crazy world.
345
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,874
No, no, no--
RAY: Archer, don't!
346
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:28,046
I-- That-- You-- The-- That--
347
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:32,884
I believe the phrase you're searching for
is, "Thank you, Archer. That was--"
348
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,094
[RUMBLING]
349
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:35,554
What's that sound?
What's that?
350
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,390
It's an avalanche. You-- You--
351
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:42,477
And I believe the phrase
you're searching for is....
352
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,479
Holy shit, is that really an--?
353
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,523
[ALL SCREAMING]
354
00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:48,608
ARCHER:
Avalanche!
355
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:50,235
Woo-hoo!
356
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:08,003
[LINE RINGING]
357
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,552
And exactly what are you doing
with those bags?
358
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,639
I don't live on the sidewalk, you mope.
Take them upstairs.
359
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,350
LANA: Where the hell is A.J. ?
With me, she's fine.
360
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:27,397
I was having my apartment bug-bombed,
so I took her to The Plaza. I'll call you back.
361
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:31,193
And what fresh hell is this?
362
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,528
LANA:
Can you believe that shit?
363
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,823
Absconds with my child,
and she'll call me back?
364
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:39,659
No, seriously, I mean,
can you believe that shit?
365
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,703
ARCHER:
Can you believe this other shit?
366
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:47,501
Ahh! Peppermint Patties. Still warm.
367
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,295
Plenty more where that came fr--
368
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:55,300
How could you possibly be that excited
to be in a fricking avalanche?
369
00:18:55,468 --> 00:19:00,055
I have kind of a weird bucket list.
Number three, bang Joe Frazier.
370
00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:05,018
Really regret sharing that with you.
So you think Crash is dead or...?
371
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:10,941
I mean, he'd have to be, right?
And either way, I say we say he's dead.
372
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,319
Okay, fine.
Yeah, you know.
373
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,571
Yeah, right? Seems like a win-win.
374
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,573
Unless you're him...
375
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:19,783
...or the other three.
376
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:24,371
But seriously, how in the hell did you think
Ireland was an Axis power?
377
00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:29,292
Oh, my God, I think this whole time
I was actually thinking of Romania.
378
00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:34,005
But only as an inevitable consequence
of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact...
379
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,425
...and the Soviet invasion of Bessarabia.
30609
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