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1
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:11,033
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:11,067 --> 00:00:14,267
(ticking loudly)
3
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:15,601
(ringing)
4
00:00:15,634 --> 00:00:18,334
(inhales deeply)
5
00:00:19,434 --> 00:00:20,767
(sighs)
6
00:00:20,801 --> 00:00:22,601
Blessed oxygen.
7
00:00:22,634 --> 00:00:23,934
Ow!
8
00:00:23,968 --> 00:00:25,334
I just had a thought.
9
00:00:25,367 --> 00:00:28,267
Good Lord, I'm glad
that doesn't happen very often.
10
00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:30,467
Now, what was it again?
11
00:00:30,501 --> 00:00:32,868
Ow! A question.
12
00:00:32,901 --> 00:00:35,000
A question
which needs answering.
13
00:00:35,033 --> 00:00:37,601
Brother Brethren,
I have a question.
14
00:00:37,634 --> 00:00:38,767
Sorry, Ajax.
15
00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:40,434
We're too busy
to interface.
16
00:00:40,467 --> 00:00:42,100
Using
VRML-enhanced
software,
17
00:00:42,133 --> 00:00:43,434
we've constructed
18
00:00:43,467 --> 00:00:44,934
a virtual reality
simulation
19
00:00:44,968 --> 00:00:46,434
of this very
environment.
20
00:00:46,467 --> 00:00:47,767
Incredible.
21
00:00:47,801 --> 00:00:49,601
It's as if
I'm actually walking
22
00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:50,934
inside our room.
23
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,334
Yes, yes!
24
00:00:52,367 --> 00:00:54,634
I see
our Einstein poster.
25
00:00:54,667 --> 00:00:55,801
Now it's like
26
00:00:55,834 --> 00:00:57,934
we're standing right
in front of it.
27
00:00:57,968 --> 00:00:59,267
Yes, yes!
28
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:00,734
Aw, yes!
29
00:01:00,767 --> 00:01:04,567
Well, I can always count on Dad
to answer my questions.
30
00:01:04,601 --> 00:01:08,567
Actually, I can never count
on Dad to answer my questions,
31
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:11,033
but luckily,
I always forget that.
32
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:12,734
No, no, no, I'm late.
Your money's on the dresser,
33
00:01:12,767 --> 00:01:14,434
plus a quarter
for bus fare.
34
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:17,033
And don't go dipping
into my penny jar, se�ora.
35
00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:18,400
I counted those.
There's 14,
36
00:01:18,434 --> 00:01:20,567
including
the counterfeit ones. Ha, ha!
37
00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:22,000
Hey, are you conscious?
38
00:01:22,033 --> 00:01:23,667
Hello, Dad.
Yaah!
39
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:25,100
Ajax,
what happened to that bell
40
00:01:25,133 --> 00:01:26,567
I told you to wear
around your neck?
41
00:01:26,601 --> 00:01:27,734
I swallowed it.
42
00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:28,501
Any good?
43
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:30,033
Fruitier than the others.
44
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:32,934
I told you never to mention
my high school nickname.
45
00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:34,767
Listen, anything
you just saw,
46
00:01:34,801 --> 00:01:36,767
don't worry about it
or remember it
47
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:38,767
or ever mention it
to a living soul.
48
00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:40,267
No one got hurt in there.
49
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,601
I mean, not
emotionally.
50
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:43,767
Dad, I have a question.
51
00:01:43,801 --> 00:01:45,267
Good. Then all you
need's an answer.
52
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,534
Unfortunately, the Slap Happy
Pappy's late for work.
53
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:50,000
But, Dad,
you don't work weekends.
54
00:01:50,033 --> 00:01:52,300
In fact,
mounting evidence suggests
55
00:01:52,334 --> 00:01:53,467
you don't work weekdays.
56
00:01:53,501 --> 00:01:55,601
No time, big case,
talk later, maybe June.
57
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,467
(thud)
DUCKMAN: Oh!
58
00:02:00,501 --> 00:02:02,033
(woman screams)
59
00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:05,067
Ajax, were you just talking
to your father?
60
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,467
Uh, yes.
61
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:10,667
Did he ignore you or insult you
or cruelly dismiss you?
62
00:02:10,701 --> 00:02:12,467
Uh, yes.
63
00:02:12,501 --> 00:02:16,701
Well, that certainly was...
inappropriate of him.
64
00:02:16,734 --> 00:02:19,968
Aunt Bernice, since
you're avoiding insulting Dad
65
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,734
because we agreed
to be more sensitive
66
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,234
to each other's feelings,
67
00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:25,234
did you really
want to say that Dad
68
00:02:25,267 --> 00:02:27,901
is a walking
advertisement
for decapitation?
69
00:02:27,934 --> 00:02:30,234
Yes! Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
70
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:32,400
Did you want
to ask me something?
71
00:02:32,434 --> 00:02:35,267
I'm afraid it's something
only a man can tell me.
72
00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:36,767
It's about squirrels.
73
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:39,267
Perhaps, like
so much in life,
74
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:41,901
I can find an answer
in the good book.
75
00:02:43,634 --> 00:02:47,434
Hello. May I please speak
to Maestro Griffin?
76
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:50,601
Yes, it's Ajax again.
77
00:02:50,634 --> 00:02:52,767
How long will the meeting be?
78
00:02:52,801 --> 00:02:54,601
Another three years?
79
00:02:54,634 --> 00:02:55,934
No problem.
80
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:56,901
I'll hold.
81
00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:02,434
(brakes screeching)
82
00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:11,968
Okay, so where's
the strontium-smoking,
83
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,434
"my IQ's over 50,"
84
00:03:13,467 --> 00:03:15,767
let-him-ionic-bond-with-my-butt,
science geek
85
00:03:15,801 --> 00:03:17,300
we're supposed to meet
this morning?
86
00:03:17,334 --> 00:03:19,934
A-hem, Duckman, this
is Dr. William Blais,
87
00:03:19,968 --> 00:03:22,100
the eminent
neuropharmacologist.
88
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:24,334
Oh... Dr. Bluh.
89
00:03:24,367 --> 00:03:27,300
Let me get right to business.
I want to hire you.
90
00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:29,067
Cha-ching!
Ha, ha.
91
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:30,567
What? I was
only saying
92
00:03:30,601 --> 00:03:32,267
what we were
all thinking.
93
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:36,200
Mr. Duckman, I run a top-secret
research laboratory.
94
00:03:36,234 --> 00:03:37,567
My associates and I
95
00:03:37,601 --> 00:03:39,601
are currently conducting
experiments
96
00:03:39,634 --> 00:03:41,601
on the transients
of intelligence.
97
00:03:41,634 --> 00:03:43,601
Oh, you think transients
are intelligent?
98
00:03:43,634 --> 00:03:44,801
Living on the street,
99
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:46,434
stealing sour mash bottles
from your garbage,
100
00:03:46,467 --> 00:03:47,968
trying to stiff you
when you sell them
101
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:48,968
your sister-in-law's
underwear?
102
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,667
Hmm. I believe that one
of my colleagues
103
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:53,834
is stealing data.
104
00:03:53,868 --> 00:03:56,601
So, I want you to set up
surveillance at the lab
105
00:03:56,634 --> 00:03:59,033
and tell me if you
see anything suspicious.
106
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:02,033
Sur-vay-lance?
107
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,367
Yeah. Well, me and Dick Junior
will buy one of those
108
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,634
and set it up right away.
109
00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,067
So, let's talk drachmas, Doc.
110
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:08,434
I trust you're aware
111
00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:10,601
we're no longer accepting
magic beans in lieu of cash.
112
00:04:10,634 --> 00:04:13,467
I'm sorry, but that's
strict office policy.
113
00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:16,400
Oh, don't worry, Duckman,
you'll be well compensated
114
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:17,901
because for this job,
115
00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:21,334
you're the best detective
in the world.
116
00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:26,267
(chuckling)
117
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,033
(mad laughter)
118
00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:38,367
(laughing)
119
00:04:40,467 --> 00:04:43,534
(laughing and whooping)
120
00:04:43,567 --> 00:04:46,000
(all laughing uncontrollably)
121
00:04:59,534 --> 00:05:00,801
You know, Duckman,
122
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,067
I have a funny feeling
123
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,868
that Blais isn't telling us
the whole truth.
124
00:05:03,901 --> 00:05:04,868
Duckman?
125
00:05:04,901 --> 00:05:06,133
Would you shut up?
126
00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:08,534
Your talking distracts me
from my new high-tops.
127
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:09,934
Duckman, I wouldn't be forced
128
00:05:09,968 --> 00:05:11,634
to use this
comically antiquated equipment
129
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,400
if you didn't always
spend our fee
130
00:05:13,434 --> 00:05:15,033
on shiny trinkets and baubles.
131
00:05:15,067 --> 00:05:16,100
And your point is?
132
00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:17,734
Perhaps it's time to set up
133
00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:19,434
the surveillance equipment.
134
00:05:19,467 --> 00:05:22,100
Sur-vay-lance?
135
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:27,834
(music a la Mission Impossible
theme playing)
136
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:32,100
(screams)
137
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,067
Let's look around
for evidence.
138
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:37,067
Ev-uh...
139
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,033
Shh!
140
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:59,200
Huh. 290 Kelvin.
141
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,534
Is that high?
142
00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:02,234
You probably shouldn't
touch anything.
143
00:06:02,267 --> 00:06:03,534
Oh, now you tell me!
144
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:05,033
My God, do you know how
many years I've been...?
145
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:07,033
I meant anything
in the lab.
146
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,033
Oh.
147
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:09,033
(chuckles)
148
00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:11,400
Uh, got any business cards?
149
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:20,067
(bawling)
150
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:22,067
Just to reiterate,
you prob...
151
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:25,467
Hey, that was
surprisingly easy.
152
00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:29,067
Why, I'd bet a kid,
thinking I was a role model
153
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:31,400
and wanting to imitate
my behavior,
154
00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:37,067
could easily steal sodas
from a vending machine, too.
155
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:39,067
Do it! Do it now, kids!
156
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,567
Stick it to the man!
157
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,801
(evil laughter)
158
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:44,200
(laughter continues)
159
00:06:46,434 --> 00:06:49,367
"But, of course,
that would be wrong."
160
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:52,367
Look at this--
161
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,400
a get-smart potion
and a get-dumb potion.
162
00:06:55,434 --> 00:06:58,534
Yeah-huh, sounds good.
163
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,501
Duckman, no.
164
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,534
Can you imagine
what would have happened
165
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:10,367
if you had drunk that?
Phew!
166
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,467
Well, you deserve a drink
for that, partner.
167
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:14,667
Hmm?
168
00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:22,200
Oh, my God!
169
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:23,534
No!
170
00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:25,434
What?
171
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:27,868
Uh... nothing.
172
00:07:27,901 --> 00:07:30,367
Did you just hand me
the get-dumb potion?
173
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,834
No way.
174
00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:34,234
In fact, that's
the opposite of
what happened.
175
00:07:34,267 --> 00:07:36,067
I drank
the get-smart potion?
176
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,067
Okay, maybe
not opposite.
177
00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:39,534
Maybe exactly.
178
00:07:39,567 --> 00:07:40,834
It's ridiculous.
179
00:07:40,868 --> 00:07:43,234
Such a chemical compound
is completely imposterous...
180
00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:44,734
i-impoundable...
181
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:48,000
impiniculabudringulubrum...
182
00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:49,567
Hey, there's a word I know.
183
00:07:49,601 --> 00:07:51,734
Quick. Ask me
the square root of 38,000.
184
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:53,400
194.93581.
185
00:07:53,434 --> 00:07:56,567
194.93588!
186
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,100
Ask me how the pyramids
were constructed,
187
00:07:58,133 --> 00:07:59,367
who invented language,
188
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:00,701
what's Ruth Bader Ginsberg's
home phone number.
189
00:08:00,734 --> 00:08:01,834
Ask me!
190
00:08:01,868 --> 00:08:03,434
How about Jenny
McCarthy's number?
191
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:04,934
Or how her pyramids
were constructed?
192
00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:06,601
Of course,
it's highly improbable
193
00:08:06,634 --> 00:08:08,601
that a simple elixir
could reduce me
194
00:08:08,634 --> 00:08:12,200
to an addle-brained drooling,
knuckle-headed dumdum.
195
00:08:12,234 --> 00:08:13,367
(gasps)
Dumdum!
196
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,133
I haven't said dumdum
since preschool.
197
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:17,033
Next I'll be saying
pee-pee and caca.
198
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,801
(gasps)
I said pee-pee and caca.
199
00:08:18,834 --> 00:08:21,868
Aah! I no smart no more.
200
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,033
I not right in head.
201
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:24,868
I, uh, oorg... gaa... duu...
202
00:08:24,901 --> 00:08:26,367
gi, gi, ga, ga!
203
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,934
(gasping)
204
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:29,567
(sighing)
205
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:33,000
Well, you sound
fine to me.
206
00:08:33,033 --> 00:08:35,868
That's why he's worried.
207
00:08:35,901 --> 00:08:38,667
You're probably wondering
why I did this.
208
00:08:38,701 --> 00:08:39,834
Huh?
209
00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:42,067
Ah, no. I was still
on Jenny McCarthy.
210
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,267
You wish.
211
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,434
You see, since giving
212
00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:47,400
my untested get-smart formula
to a human
213
00:08:47,434 --> 00:08:48,834
would be morally reprehensible,
214
00:08:48,868 --> 00:08:50,834
I hired
an irresponsible imbecile
215
00:08:50,868 --> 00:08:53,601
who I assumed would drink it
accidentally.
216
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,434
So where do I come in?
217
00:08:55,467 --> 00:08:57,734
Luckily, a brilliant
mind like Cornfed's
218
00:08:57,767 --> 00:09:00,067
being subjected to
the get-dumb formula
219
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:01,701
will serve just as well
220
00:09:01,734 --> 00:09:03,968
especially since
he's proven it works.
221
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,400
Don't you see what this means,
Duckman?
222
00:09:07,434 --> 00:09:09,701
I'll be rich
beyond dreams of avarice,
223
00:09:09,734 --> 00:09:11,601
beyond limits
of good and evil,
224
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:15,400
beyond the boundaries
of human imagination!
225
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:17,934
(mad laughter)
226
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,400
You know,
something about that guy
227
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,968
doesn't sit quite right with me.
228
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,300
(eating noisily)
229
00:09:31,334 --> 00:09:34,167
And then Corny drank
some weird thingy,
230
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,968
and this guy came
and said some stuff,
231
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,567
but it had lots
of syllable, so we left.
232
00:09:38,601 --> 00:09:42,133
Let's see, you left
your best friend and partner,
233
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,234
knowing he might
have been poisoned
234
00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:46,234
because otherwise
you might have been forced
235
00:09:46,267 --> 00:09:47,934
to listen to syllables?!
236
00:09:50,701 --> 00:09:53,734
Ajax, why is your head
like that?
237
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,400
I was on hold for Merv
for eight hours
238
00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:58,067
before getting disconnected.
239
00:09:58,100 --> 00:10:00,234
In retrospect,
it might have been nice
240
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,701
to have someone to suffer
this serious nerve injury with.
241
00:10:03,734 --> 00:10:05,667
MAMBO:
Uncle Cornfed,
are you okay?
242
00:10:05,701 --> 00:10:08,501
We heard you drank
something strange.
How do you feel?
243
00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:10,234
Usually with my fingers,
244
00:10:10,267 --> 00:10:13,334
though sometimes toes are fun,
especially with Jell-O.
245
00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:15,200
Whoa.
246
00:10:15,234 --> 00:10:17,167
Synchronicity.
247
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,601
What's that mean?
248
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:20,100
It's got a "t" in it.
249
00:10:20,133 --> 00:10:21,601
Maybe it's about...
250
00:10:21,634 --> 00:10:22,934
Drinking.
Drinking.
251
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:24,701
Whoa
Whoa!
252
00:10:24,734 --> 00:10:27,801
Cornfed, it's almost
as if you and I, um...
253
00:10:27,834 --> 00:10:30,300
Yeah, it's like we, uh...
254
00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:31,601
Think alike?
Think alike?
255
00:10:31,634 --> 00:10:33,934
No. Think alike.
No. Think alike.
256
00:10:33,968 --> 00:10:36,901
(laughing)
(laughing)
257
00:10:42,634 --> 00:10:43,601
This is horrible!
258
00:10:43,634 --> 00:10:44,934
Drinking some
evil scientist's
259
00:10:44,968 --> 00:10:46,968
formula has made
Cornfed stupid.
260
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,834
Say, this amusing development
261
00:10:48,868 --> 00:10:50,167
could be just
what my relationship
262
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,601
with the old Cornbone needed.
263
00:10:51,634 --> 00:10:52,934
Now he'll know what it's like
264
00:10:52,968 --> 00:10:54,334
to be with someone
of superior intellect.
265
00:10:54,367 --> 00:10:57,467
Cornfed, my man,
pass the linguini.
266
00:10:57,501 --> 00:11:02,634
It is delicious, especially
when eaten in a perambulator.
267
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:05,100
Ha, ha, ha! He's got no idea
what I'm talking about.
268
00:11:05,133 --> 00:11:06,267
Neither do we.
269
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,901
Uh-oh, maybe
it's contagious.
270
00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:10,234
Well, this has been funsies,
but it's time
271
00:11:10,267 --> 00:11:11,901
for me to go home
and wake up.
272
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:17,434
Hmm. Interesting
variation on the old
273
00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:18,901
exit-into-the-closet gag.
274
00:11:18,934 --> 00:11:20,067
This is terrible!
275
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,934
Cornfed can't
function on his own!
276
00:11:21,968 --> 00:11:24,133
Perhaps Uncle Corny
could stay with us.
277
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:27,100
Uncle Corny, come on out.
Uncle Corny!
278
00:11:27,133 --> 00:11:28,300
Come out!
I'm going to get in.
279
00:11:28,334 --> 00:11:29,834
Come on out, partner.
280
00:11:29,868 --> 00:11:32,300
You're gonna stay right here
with us until you're better.
281
00:11:32,334 --> 00:11:34,300
Hey, just a peepshow
minute here.
282
00:11:34,334 --> 00:11:35,701
Where's the Cornseed
going to sleep?
283
00:11:35,734 --> 00:11:37,167
There's extra space
in the doghouse,
284
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,634
but I'm not sure Gecko's
really over his bowel trouble.
285
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,467
Welcome to Casa Ajax.
286
00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:47,901
Whoa. Walls and
a ceiling and...
287
00:11:47,934 --> 00:11:49,701
you have a floor.
288
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:51,033
Just got it.
289
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:53,734
Over here, I keep
my Merv Griffin scrapbooks,
290
00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:57,234
my Merv Griffin photos,
my Merv Griffin calypso records
291
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:59,634
and my collection
of exotic meats.
292
00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:02,267
It's beautiful,
like a sunset.
293
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:05,400
And over here is where
I keep the bunk bed.
294
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:09,167
(bedsprings bouncing
and squeaking, laughter)
295
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:14,767
(laughter)
296
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:18,534
(bedsprings bouncing
and squeaking, laughter)
297
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,267
Whee, this is fun.
298
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,400
It's cool finally
having a friend,
299
00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:27,601
someone who thinks
just like I do.
300
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:28,767
Cornfed?
301
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,834
Do you know what you should
302
00:12:31,868 --> 00:12:33,501
give a pet squirrel to eat?
303
00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:35,067
Barbecue grills?
304
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:36,334
That's what I thought.
305
00:12:36,367 --> 00:12:37,767
Do you have a pet squirrel?
306
00:12:37,801 --> 00:12:38,767
No.
307
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:41,400
But maybe I have a friend.
308
00:12:45,133 --> 00:12:46,767
(imitates engine revving noise)
309
00:12:46,801 --> 00:12:49,033
This one looks
just like
Dad's car.
310
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:51,501
(imitating
car engine)
311
00:12:51,534 --> 00:12:52,868
Yipe, yipe, yipe.
312
00:12:52,901 --> 00:12:53,868
(imitating car engine)
313
00:12:53,901 --> 00:12:55,167
Beep, beep.
314
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,634
Get out of my way,
you stupid people!
315
00:12:57,667 --> 00:12:59,634
You think you own the sidewalk?!
316
00:12:59,667 --> 00:13:01,801
Rant! Rant! Rant!
317
00:13:01,834 --> 00:13:05,067
(laughing together)
318
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:06,601
Cornectomy,
time for work.
319
00:13:06,634 --> 00:13:10,133
Um, Duckman,
Ajax and I were talking,
320
00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:12,200
and, well, we wondered
321
00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:15,000
if maybe I could go
to school with him today.
322
00:13:15,033 --> 00:13:16,868
Sorry, fella, but I've
planned a full day
323
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:18,200
going to everyone we
know and showing them
324
00:13:18,234 --> 00:13:19,901
how much smarter
I am than you.
325
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:21,567
Thank you.
326
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,434
Velcro can be tricky.
327
00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:26,534
On the other hand,
maybe a little second grade
328
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:28,167
would be good for you.
329
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,167
DUCKMAN:
Will you kids knock it off?
330
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,467
Don't think
I won't pull over.
331
00:13:32,501 --> 00:13:34,634
(horn beeps)
Get out of my way,
you stupid people!
332
00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:35,868
You think you own
the sidewalk?!
333
00:13:35,901 --> 00:13:37,200
Rant! Rant! Rant!
334
00:13:56,234 --> 00:14:00,901
Gravity isn't just a law,
it's also a good idea.
335
00:14:00,934 --> 00:14:04,334
Everyone sells
reversible screwdrivers,
336
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:07,501
but nobody sells
reversible screws.
337
00:14:07,534 --> 00:14:10,033
I only mind the voices
in my head
338
00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:12,467
when they don't speak English.
339
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:15,801
I went to an arcade
and won a free game,
340
00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:17,968
so I took a pinball machine.
341
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:22,067
The Indianapolis Speedway
doesn't have any crosswalks.
342
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:24,734
You always just have
to run across.
343
00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:26,100
(sighs)
344
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:29,734
(birds chirping)
345
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:32,701
I bet it feels just like this
when you're rich.
346
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,300
(laughing)
347
00:14:39,501 --> 00:14:41,534
(Ajax and Cornfed
grunting and laughing)
348
00:14:42,701 --> 00:14:43,934
All right, you just
earned yourselves
349
00:14:43,968 --> 00:14:45,167
a time-out.
350
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,100
Ajax, go stand
in that corner.
351
00:14:47,133 --> 00:14:48,367
Cornfed, over there.
352
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,400
Charles and Mambo,
go to your room!
353
00:14:50,434 --> 00:14:51,634
What did we do?
354
00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:52,667
Nothing.
355
00:14:52,701 --> 00:14:56,601
God! The power
is so invigorating!
356
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,834
(horns honking)
357
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:06,868
Uh... lucky guess.
358
00:15:06,901 --> 00:15:09,300
I still prefer Velcro,
359
00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:11,200
the fabric of a thousand uses.
360
00:15:11,234 --> 00:15:12,167
Observe.
361
00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:18,634
Yeah, Velcro's, uh, bitchin'.
362
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,267
Do you know where I put
my other sneakers?
363
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:23,868
Um, no. Would you
like to wear mine?
364
00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:25,067
Sure.
365
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,067
Um...
366
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,534
they're attached.
367
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:28,667
That's okay.
368
00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:29,801
I'll go barefoot.
369
00:15:29,834 --> 00:15:31,067
We're so alike.
370
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,367
Under these sneakers,
I'm barefoot.
371
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,767
Class, who can finish
this phrase?
372
00:15:44,801 --> 00:15:47,067
"To be or...?"
373
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:48,734
Ajax.
374
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:52,000
Um... "from Venus"?
375
00:15:52,033 --> 00:15:54,767
(students laughing)
376
00:15:54,801 --> 00:15:56,033
Close.
377
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:57,400
Cornfed?
378
00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:01,901
"To be or not to be."
379
00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:04,601
Excellent, Cornfed. Who else...?
380
00:16:04,634 --> 00:16:05,767
"...that is the question.
381
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:07,667
"Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind
382
00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:11,334
"to suffer the slings
and arrows of outrageous fortune
383
00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:14,133
"or to take arms against
a sea of troubles
384
00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:16,501
and by opposing end them."
385
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:25,334
(horns honking)
386
00:16:27,634 --> 00:16:30,033
Where the hell's Cornfed
and the other kid?
387
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:32,901
Ajax and
Cornfed went
388
00:16:32,934 --> 00:16:34,234
to the playground.
389
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:35,634
DUCKMAN:
Cornfed!
390
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:36,701
And the other kid.
391
00:16:36,734 --> 00:16:38,200
Wow, everyone!
392
00:16:38,234 --> 00:16:41,133
Guess what Cornfed got
on his book report today.
393
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,501
Bird droppings?
394
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,534
And an "A."
395
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:46,501
Not bad, Corntoad.
396
00:16:46,534 --> 00:16:50,367
As a reward, I am raising your
weekly allowance by 25 cents.
397
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,534
'Course, since I'm no longer
paying your salary at work,
398
00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:54,200
it's pretty much a wash.
399
00:16:54,234 --> 00:16:55,868
Maybe the formula
is wearing off.
400
00:16:55,901 --> 00:16:57,501
According
to a recent study
401
00:16:57,534 --> 00:16:59,234
in the American Journalof Evil Scientists,
402
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:00,901
the effect
of get-dumb formulas
403
00:17:00,934 --> 00:17:02,234
is often transitory.
404
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,234
Ajax,
you're so quiet.
405
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:05,901
He's upset 'cause
he never got a call back
406
00:17:05,934 --> 00:17:07,234
from Marv Albert.
407
00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:08,734
It's Merv Griffin.
408
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:10,400
Doesn't anybody listen?
409
00:17:10,434 --> 00:17:12,868
(crying)
410
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:18,400
(belching loudly)
411
00:17:18,434 --> 00:17:20,367
Sorry,
did I miss something?
412
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:24,901
Ajax?
413
00:17:24,934 --> 00:17:26,901
I'm going to lose you,
414
00:17:26,934 --> 00:17:31,067
aren't I, Mr. Shoelace-
Tying-Able-To guy?
415
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:32,601
Yes.
416
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:35,567
The one friend I ever had.
417
00:17:35,601 --> 00:17:37,934
I'll still
be your friend.
418
00:17:37,968 --> 00:17:39,868
But it won't
be the same.
419
00:17:39,901 --> 00:17:41,367
No.
420
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,767
I wish I had a squirrel.
421
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,267
Ajax, is there something
422
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,934
you've always wanted
to do with a friend?
423
00:17:47,968 --> 00:17:49,434
Something special?
424
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:51,033
Yes.
425
00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:54,033
Can you guess what it is?
426
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:55,501
Yes.
427
00:18:05,033 --> 00:18:07,501
(fanfare playing)
428
00:18:07,534 --> 00:18:09,467
(growling)
(growling)
429
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:23,534
Mr. Griffin, there are
two people outside to see you.
430
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:26,567
I think it's one
of those make-a-wish things.
431
00:18:26,601 --> 00:18:29,834
One guy told me the other one
"doesn't have long."
432
00:18:29,868 --> 00:18:31,734
GRIFFIN (over intercom):
How unfair is this world
433
00:18:31,767 --> 00:18:34,067
that some must perish
while others prosper.
434
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:36,467
Of course,
send them in right away.
435
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:46,734
Ah!
436
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:48,667
Ooh!
437
00:18:48,701 --> 00:18:51,501
Eee...
438
00:18:51,534 --> 00:18:53,033
It's so sad.
439
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,567
He's going fast.
440
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:55,901
He's in shock.
441
00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:58,234
It's been his dream
to meet you.
442
00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,934
I must say,
I'm surprised.
443
00:18:59,968 --> 00:19:03,200
Oh, that tacky stuff outside
is just for the tourists.
444
00:19:03,234 --> 00:19:06,200
I love beautiful old furniture.
445
00:19:06,234 --> 00:19:08,033
Or just old.
446
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,701
It's okay.
447
00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:11,400
Still usable.
448
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:12,767
Can you speak, son?
449
00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:14,100
Are you all right?
450
00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:15,501
Uh...
yesterday I got up
451
00:19:15,534 --> 00:19:17,834
on the wrong side
of the bed.
452
00:19:17,868 --> 00:19:19,167
The inside.
453
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,834
You're the kid
who calls me every day.
454
00:19:22,868 --> 00:19:24,767
Ajax, right? Ooh!
455
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:26,601
I'm going to miss
not talking to you.
456
00:19:26,634 --> 00:19:29,000
I only pray that
you die quickly.
457
00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:30,968
I mean that in the
good way, of course.
458
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,033
But, Lord Griffin,
it's not me.
459
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:34,934
It's my friend
whose time is up.
460
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:37,567
Everyone likes
the smell of syrup,
461
00:19:37,601 --> 00:19:40,267
but no one wears it
as a cologne.
462
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:45,100
This is so-o-o touching.
463
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:47,267
It's a magical,
magical moment.
464
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:49,267
So, uh...
you're not dying?
465
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,934
I'm going to keep getting
those hourly phone calls?
466
00:19:51,968 --> 00:19:53,934
Well, you know,
just to make sure
467
00:19:53,968 --> 00:19:55,934
there's always
a working line between us.
468
00:19:55,968 --> 00:19:57,267
Gotcha.
Gosh, I'm sorry
469
00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:58,701
but our time is up.
470
00:19:58,734 --> 00:20:01,100
It's been super
meeting you, and you
471
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:03,434
and if you
ever are dying,
472
00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:06,701
this can count
as our special time, okay?
473
00:20:06,734 --> 00:20:08,868
Okay, Your Mervship.
474
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:14,901
Ajax, what's wrong?
475
00:20:14,934 --> 00:20:18,133
What you said back there
about the cologne...
476
00:20:18,167 --> 00:20:19,601
did you mean it?
477
00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:23,434
You're smart again,
aren't you?
478
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:25,634
What does being
smart really mean?
479
00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:27,300
If I knew that,
I would be.
480
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:28,801
I can tell you.
481
00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:30,167
It doesn't
mean anything.
482
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,801
What's important
is being sweet
483
00:20:31,834 --> 00:20:33,300
and kind and loving.
484
00:20:33,334 --> 00:20:34,634
What you are, Ajax.
485
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:37,234
What anyone would be
proud of in a friend.
486
00:20:37,267 --> 00:20:40,567
And I hope you know
I'll always be your friend.
487
00:20:40,601 --> 00:20:42,567
By the way, remember
you were asking
488
00:20:42,601 --> 00:20:44,601
about what a pet
squirrel would eat?
489
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:47,868
Well, why don't we find out?
490
00:20:47,901 --> 00:20:49,234
It's a squirrel!
491
00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:51,234
Oh, thank you, Uncle Corny.
492
00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:54,367
I think I'll call it...
A Squirrel.
493
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,434
Here you go, A Squirrel--
494
00:20:56,467 --> 00:20:58,100
a yummy barbecue grill.
495
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:05,934
Isn't that cute?
496
00:21:05,968 --> 00:21:08,067
It's breaking its teeth.
497
00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:07,534
DUCKMAN:
Oh, my God! No!
33975
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