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1
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,734
(quacks)
2
00:00:14,267 --> 00:00:16,400
Remember always...
3
00:00:16,467 --> 00:00:18,701
our strength comes
from our blood,
4
00:00:18,767 --> 00:00:21,133
from our family.
5
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:22,501
(gasps)
6
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:27,968
(chattering)
7
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:36,300
Slow down, you
crab-crotched,
crud-creeping,
8
00:00:36,367 --> 00:00:37,734
mustard-colored
meat maggot,
9
00:00:37,801 --> 00:00:39,300
or I'll knock you
on your...
10
00:00:39,367 --> 00:00:40,534
Ow!
11
00:00:40,601 --> 00:00:42,567
Bite moi, you brisket-
brained lardapple,
12
00:00:42,634 --> 00:00:44,367
you shim-shaped,
shovel-faced shmegegge.
13
00:00:44,434 --> 00:00:45,601
Shove it up your...
Ow!
14
00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:47,501
Duckman, your head's
so far up your...
15
00:00:47,567 --> 00:00:48,501
Ow!
16
00:00:48,567 --> 00:00:49,501
Ah, kiss my...
Ow!
17
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:51,467
Ajax, why do you
keep yelling "ow"?
18
00:00:51,534 --> 00:00:53,334
Dad, Mambo's kicking me.
19
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,400
I am not.
20
00:00:54,467 --> 00:00:56,033
You're kicking yourself.
21
00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:58,300
Say, you're right.
Why would I do that?
22
00:00:58,367 --> 00:01:01,434
Sometimes I'm so stupid
I could kick myself.
23
00:01:01,501 --> 00:01:02,434
Ow.
24
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:03,801
Can it, all of you!
25
00:01:03,868 --> 00:01:06,234
The whole point of this vacation
is to stop all the fighting
26
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,400
we've been doing lately.
27
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:08,767
We're not even there yet
28
00:01:08,834 --> 00:01:10,667
and we're already squabbling
like a bunch of Hungarians.
29
00:01:10,734 --> 00:01:12,701
Aunt Bernice, it's
been four years
30
00:01:12,767 --> 00:01:14,300
since Zsa Zsa
rear-ended you.
31
00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:15,300
Let it go.
32
00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:16,901
Your Aunt Bernice
is right
33
00:01:16,968 --> 00:01:18,534
and not just about
Hungarians, either.
34
00:01:18,601 --> 00:01:20,133
The least you can do
is behave.
35
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,033
Didn't I give you boys
what you've always wanted?
36
00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:24,300
A visit to a real
Indian reservation.
37
00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:25,534
Wow, will we learn
38
00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:28,467
all about genuine
Native American traditions?
39
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:30,734
Ajax, you can always
learn something
40
00:01:30,801 --> 00:01:32,167
if you're not careful.
41
00:01:32,234 --> 00:01:34,601
Duckman, I thought Cornfed was
supposed to be following us.
42
00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:41,334
(chuckles)
Yeah, I managed to lose him
about an hour ago.
43
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,834
DUCKMAN:
Well, here we are.
44
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:48,901
I should have known
this pagan pleasure palace
45
00:01:48,968 --> 00:01:52,133
would be your idea of a genuine
Native American reservation.
46
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,667
Bernice, for shame.
47
00:01:53,734 --> 00:01:56,000
Supporting the mystifyingly
legal ventures
48
00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:57,834
of our Injun brethren
is a way of atoning
49
00:01:57,901 --> 00:01:59,501
for making them pick
all that cotton.
50
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,868
Dad, Indians never
picked cotton.
51
00:02:01,934 --> 00:02:04,234
Then what the hell's
their beef?
52
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:05,901
Ah!
53
00:02:05,968 --> 00:02:07,200
(slot machines clinking)
54
00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:09,367
Wow, no wonder
aggregate gains
55
00:02:09,434 --> 00:02:10,968
in leisure
and gaming sectors
56
00:02:11,033 --> 00:02:14,701
soared eight percent,
defying NASDAQ trends.
57
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:18,067
Am I the only one who
finds Lou Dobbs hypnotic?
58
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:20,367
Come on, let's
crash this tepee
59
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:22,334
and start spending
heap big wampum.
60
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,901
Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.
61
00:02:24,968 --> 00:02:26,267
(clearing throat)
62
00:02:26,334 --> 00:02:29,567
Sorry to interrupt
your grotesque
cultural stereotype,
63
00:02:29,634 --> 00:02:31,534
but may I help you
with something?
64
00:02:31,601 --> 00:02:34,601
Finding an exit, perhaps,
or showing you how soap works?
65
00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:36,834
Don't flip your wigwam,
Big Chief Fancypants.
66
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:37,968
We're checking in.
67
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:41,868
You, uh... you see we, uh...
have a...
68
00:02:41,934 --> 00:02:43,501
reservation!
69
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:46,400
(cackling)
70
00:02:49,634 --> 00:02:51,367
Reservation!
71
00:02:51,434 --> 00:02:53,868
(laughing continues)
72
00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:00,901
(choking)
73
00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:04,400
(gasping)
74
00:03:09,601 --> 00:03:11,400
If I slap my knee
any harder,
75
00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:14,868
it will be
a wounded knee.
76
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:16,834
Hey, we left
our bags outside
77
00:03:16,901 --> 00:03:19,701
because we didn't want
to "totem" around.
78
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,667
Totem around...
79
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:25,334
Here's my imitation of Geronimo
jumping out of a plane.
80
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,167
Me!
81
00:03:27,734 --> 00:03:29,667
Me.
82
00:03:29,734 --> 00:03:30,901
(sighs)
83
00:03:30,968 --> 00:03:32,734
Don't worry if you don't
get them all, buck.
84
00:03:32,801 --> 00:03:34,100
I got a million of them.
85
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:36,200
Oh, goodie.
86
00:03:36,267 --> 00:03:37,334
Blaze the trail,
Tonto.
87
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,200
This is going to be
the bestest vacation ever.
88
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,267
BERNICE:
Duckman, I can't believe
89
00:03:48,334 --> 00:03:49,734
we got kicked out
of the spa because you
90
00:03:49,801 --> 00:03:51,601
started whizzing
in the pool.
91
00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:52,934
Shows what you know.
92
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,100
I started whizzing long
before I got in the pool.
93
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:56,801
Oh, dear, sir.
I'm afraid that...
94
00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:58,601
I'll just bet
you're afraid, Red.
95
00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:00,567
All these white people
must give you flashbacks
96
00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,400
to the scalping
the redskins took
at Little Bighorn.
97
00:04:02,467 --> 00:04:04,934
But don't worry, we're just here
to stuff our pale faces
98
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,400
so scout us a table
and rev up the chuck wagon.
99
00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:14,000
BERNICE:
Duckman!
100
00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:15,334
ALL:
Dad!
101
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,200
What? They like
when you steal.
102
00:04:17,267 --> 00:04:18,868
They're a very
giving people.
103
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,601
That's how we get the phrase
"Indian giver."
104
00:04:21,667 --> 00:04:23,400
See? You're learning already.
105
00:04:23,467 --> 00:04:24,734
Hello, I'm Thomas,
I'll be your server.
106
00:04:24,801 --> 00:04:26,634
Let me tell you about
our special tonight.
107
00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:29,534
You begin with an
appetizer of grilled
leeks with saffron...
108
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:32,000
Yeah, get me a tumbler of Wild
Turkey and keep them coming.
109
00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:33,567
As for dinner,
let's make this simple.
110
00:04:33,634 --> 00:04:35,467
Country-fried steak
and fish sticks for everybody.
111
00:04:35,534 --> 00:04:37,067
And make the French fries
crinkle-cut, okay.
112
00:04:37,133 --> 00:04:38,734
Holds the ketchup better.
113
00:04:38,801 --> 00:04:39,934
Hey, Walks-With-a-Swish--
114
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,033
chop-chop
on the firewater, capiche?
115
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:44,801
(gasping)
116
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,300
I almost made it.
117
00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:47,534
Through the giggling
and the peek-a-boo
118
00:04:47,601 --> 00:04:48,901
and the patty-cake.
119
00:04:48,968 --> 00:04:50,501
Through interminable readings
from Deepak Chopra
120
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:51,901
and Life's LittleInstruction Book.
121
00:04:51,968 --> 00:04:53,534
But then, during the Joseph
122
00:04:53,601 --> 00:04:55,701
and the Amazing TechnicolorDreamcoat medley,
123
00:04:55,767 --> 00:04:56,901
I just snapped.
124
00:04:56,968 --> 00:04:57,901
Glove compartment?
125
00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:58,901
Tail pipe.
126
00:04:58,968 --> 00:05:00,133
I gave the valet ten bucks
127
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,734
to wait a while before
he pries them out.
128
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,400
Shrewd.
129
00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:05,067
Duckman, why
is that woman
130
00:05:05,133 --> 00:05:07,100
staring at us
and taking notes?
131
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:08,267
Guilty.
132
00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:09,267
(chuckles)
133
00:05:09,334 --> 00:05:10,601
Please forgive me.
134
00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:11,934
I don't mean to intrude
135
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,868
but I have been watching you.
136
00:05:13,934 --> 00:05:16,000
I'm Dr. Susan Fox.
137
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,801
The renowned family therapist
and best-selling author?
138
00:05:18,868 --> 00:05:20,901
Uh, yes.
139
00:05:20,968 --> 00:05:22,968
Forgive me
if I'm being presumptuous
140
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:25,434
but presumption is just...
well, something I do.
141
00:05:25,501 --> 00:05:26,667
Not your problem.
142
00:05:26,734 --> 00:05:28,767
Based on the behaviors
I've observed
143
00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:30,100
over the last two days,
144
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:31,734
I believe that, unless
you let me help you
145
00:05:31,801 --> 00:05:33,367
this family will self-destruct
146
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:36,801
in a heartbreakingly tragic
and violent way.
147
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:38,334
Yeah!
148
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,334
Whoo! I'm peeking duck.
149
00:05:46,601 --> 00:05:47,567
Tragic? Violent?
150
00:05:47,634 --> 00:05:49,200
What do you mean,
Dr. Fox?
151
00:05:49,267 --> 00:05:52,601
You see, in my landmark book,
The Ties That Divide--
152
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:56,200
now available wherever
quality paperbacks are sold--
153
00:05:56,267 --> 00:05:58,767
I devise the Fox scale
of dysfunctional crisis.
154
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:01,367
This group scores an 87.
155
00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:02,367
Is that bad?
156
00:06:02,434 --> 00:06:04,400
Well, the Jacksons
only scored 61.
157
00:06:04,467 --> 00:06:05,467
(gasping)
158
00:06:05,534 --> 00:06:07,334
The good news is
it's not too late.
159
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,300
I came here
for some peace and quiet
160
00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:10,601
to write my new book
161
00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:12,033
which will finally offer hope
to agoraphobics
162
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:15,601
but you people offer a much more
exciting opportunity.
163
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:16,667
With your permission
164
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:18,000
I'd like to work
with you
165
00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:19,200
and make that my book.
166
00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:20,734
What about the
agoraphobics?
167
00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:22,400
They're not going anywhere.
168
00:06:22,467 --> 00:06:24,734
(laughing)
169
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,400
Well, then, what do you say?
170
00:06:26,467 --> 00:06:28,000
I could save your family.
171
00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:30,901
Hold your horses,
Dr. Fox, medicine woman.
172
00:06:30,968 --> 00:06:33,734
What makes you think
we're dysfunctional?
173
00:06:33,801 --> 00:06:36,534
Look, Dad, I'm eating more
French fries than ever.
174
00:06:36,601 --> 00:06:37,534
Love me, Dad.
175
00:06:37,601 --> 00:06:38,534
Love me.
176
00:06:38,601 --> 00:06:39,767
Call it a hunch.
177
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:41,868
Well, get some other rats
for your snake pit, doc.
178
00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:43,868
Case closed.
179
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:49,167
Waiter, pow-wow now.
180
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,434
This steak is raw.
181
00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:53,534
It's got more pink
than Showgirls.
182
00:06:53,601 --> 00:06:56,601
Wrangle this slab back
to the flame, okay, babe?
183
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,467
Come on, move.
184
00:06:58,534 --> 00:06:59,801
Hey... yup.
185
00:06:59,868 --> 00:07:01,400
They're such children.
186
00:07:01,467 --> 00:07:02,400
(retching)
187
00:07:02,467 --> 00:07:03,400
(snorting)
188
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:04,400
(groaning)
189
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:05,400
(creaking)
190
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:06,400
(retching)
191
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:07,400
(raspberry)
192
00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:08,400
(squishing)
193
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:09,400
(sloshing)
194
00:07:09,467 --> 00:07:10,400
(plopping)
195
00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:11,400
(raspberry)
196
00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:13,267
(repeated spitting)
197
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:14,267
(raspberry)
198
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,467
Bon appetit.
199
00:07:21,434 --> 00:07:23,968
Oh, yeah... oh, yeah.
200
00:07:24,033 --> 00:07:25,200
Oh, now we're talking.
201
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:28,667
Mm-hmm-mm, whoa.
202
00:07:28,734 --> 00:07:31,300
It's like a thousand
tiny taste sensations.
203
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:34,033
See? It takes an American
to get things done.
204
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:35,734
Well... I...
205
00:07:35,801 --> 00:07:37,501
really have to go now.
206
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:40,000
But I'll reserve
the mezzanine conference room
207
00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:41,634
in case you change your mind.
208
00:07:41,701 --> 00:07:43,300
I'll be there tomorrow at 10:00.
209
00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:45,100
I hope you'll all be there, too.
210
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,000
This may be your last hope
211
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,367
to survive the hideous doom
to come.
212
00:07:49,434 --> 00:07:50,367
Been a pleasure.
213
00:07:50,434 --> 00:07:51,367
Good night.
214
00:07:52,434 --> 00:07:53,467
Mmm.
215
00:07:53,534 --> 00:07:54,734
(smacking)
216
00:07:54,801 --> 00:07:55,801
Please, Dad.
217
00:07:55,868 --> 00:07:57,634
We'd learn a lot
about ourselves.
218
00:07:57,701 --> 00:07:59,634
And avoid the disaster
and tragedy
219
00:07:59,701 --> 00:08:00,868
the doctor spoke of.
220
00:08:00,934 --> 00:08:02,834
There is nothing wrong
with this family
221
00:08:02,901 --> 00:08:05,200
that some old fashioned
belt-beatings wouldn't solve.
222
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:06,534
No more.
223
00:08:06,601 --> 00:08:07,901
No shrinks!
224
00:08:07,968 --> 00:08:09,701
It's shrinks that made
this country touchy-feely.
225
00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:11,601
It's shrinks that blab and blab
on Sally Jesse
226
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:14,734
so the teenage nymphomaniacs
can't get a word in edgewise.
227
00:08:14,801 --> 00:08:17,133
It was shrinks that made me and
Mom stop bathing together
228
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,934
when I was 15, just when
I needed her love the most.
229
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,634
No shrinks, and that's final.
230
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:23,868
There's nothing wrong
with this family.
231
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:26,200
Hey, uh, waiter, uno mas.
232
00:08:26,267 --> 00:08:28,601
DR. FOX:
This family will self-destruct.
233
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:29,934
BERNICE:
We need help.
234
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,200
CHARLES:
Please, Dad.
235
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:32,501
AJAX:
Love me, Dad.
236
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:34,834
WAITER:
...grilled leeks with saffron.
237
00:08:36,901 --> 00:08:40,267
ALL:
You should've
taken us to therapy.
238
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:41,367
(gasping)
239
00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:42,501
Yikes!
240
00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:44,367
That's less than ideal.
241
00:08:44,434 --> 00:08:45,634
Why didn't you tell me
242
00:08:45,701 --> 00:08:47,968
that tragedy and violence
could happen to me?
243
00:08:48,033 --> 00:08:50,701
We're going to see Doc Fox,
and do whatever it takes
244
00:08:50,767 --> 00:08:52,567
to pull out
of dysfunction junction
245
00:08:52,634 --> 00:08:53,767
and save this family.
246
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,400
All:
Yay.
247
00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:03,100
(chuckles)
248
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,701
I'm sure Duckman
will be here soon.
249
00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:06,968
Want to bet he's doing something
to further embarrass
250
00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:07,968
and humiliate us?
251
00:09:08,033 --> 00:09:09,601
Mambo, you can't
be sure of that.
252
00:09:09,667 --> 00:09:10,834
Hey!
253
00:09:10,901 --> 00:09:13,067
That fountain out there
is full of change.
254
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:14,400
There are dimes in here.
255
00:09:15,868 --> 00:09:17,934
Duckman, let me start
by saying...
256
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,801
No, let me tell you,
Madame D.A.,
257
00:09:19,868 --> 00:09:21,434
exactly what's
on the table.
258
00:09:21,501 --> 00:09:23,367
I give you give the shooter
you plead me down to man one.
259
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,200
I get eight plus time served
and I'm out in three.
260
00:09:25,267 --> 00:09:26,767
Do we have a deal or not?
261
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,701
Oh, uh, Dr. Fox.
262
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,767
I'm sorry, I thought
this was my 4:00.
263
00:09:30,834 --> 00:09:31,767
(chuckles)
264
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,067
Forget I said anything.
265
00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:34,901
I'm very proud of
all of you for coming.
266
00:09:34,968 --> 00:09:37,334
What we're going
to do won't be easy
for any of you.
267
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,400
In order
for this to work
268
00:09:38,467 --> 00:09:42,133
you must all be
completely, 100% honest.
269
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,300
You've got a blue ribbon pair
of muskmelons
270
00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:46,334
and Duckman's hungry!
271
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,133
Perhaps we should shoot
for 90% honesty.
272
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,634
You're the doc.
273
00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:53,167
Let me sum up your situation
in terms you'll understand.
274
00:09:53,234 --> 00:09:54,534
We have a father figure
275
00:09:54,601 --> 00:09:57,000
who is too self-obsessed
to be a real father.
276
00:09:57,067 --> 00:10:00,300
Ding-ding-ding! Who is... me!
277
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,334
Duckman, this
isn't a game.
278
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,400
Heh... gyp.
279
00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:05,133
We have a domineering
mother figure
280
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,968
who delights in
cruelly emasculating
281
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:08,133
the men in her life.
282
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,801
Not just the men.
283
00:10:10,868 --> 00:10:12,834
A boy with an eating disorder
284
00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:15,300
totally disconnected
from the world.
285
00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:17,100
And two hyper-intelligent boys
286
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:19,567
who feel disenfranchised
from the family.
287
00:10:19,634 --> 00:10:23,033
We're like minor underwritten
characters in our own lives.
288
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,534
Cornfed,
the de facto uncle,
289
00:10:24,601 --> 00:10:26,701
is a codependent
with low self-esteem.
290
00:10:26,767 --> 00:10:29,000
I think she's right,
but what do I know?
291
00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:30,667
And you two are...
292
00:10:30,734 --> 00:10:32,868
What are you two again?
293
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:35,100
BOTH:
We're Mr. Duckman's assistants.
294
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,100
Hah! They're just here
so Duckman
295
00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:39,534
can take phoney-baloney
tax write-offs.
296
00:10:39,601 --> 00:10:40,601
So?
297
00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:42,167
Dad, it's illegal.
298
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:43,400
Used to be, Mambo,
299
00:10:43,467 --> 00:10:45,434
but thanks to right-wing,
religious nutballs
300
00:10:45,501 --> 00:10:47,534
it's now a sacred duty
to God and America
301
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:49,133
to disobey whatever laws
you don't agree with.
302
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,601
Which reminds me, if any G-men
come sniffing around,
303
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:53,000
we don't have automatic weapons
304
00:10:53,067 --> 00:10:54,667
stockpiled
in the basement, okay?
305
00:10:54,734 --> 00:10:55,734
But we don't.
306
00:10:55,801 --> 00:10:58,200
Ri-i-ight.
307
00:10:58,267 --> 00:11:00,701
Charles, how does
your dad make you feel
308
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:02,634
when he says
things like that?
309
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:06,300
Well, ashamed...
repulsed, scornful.
310
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:08,467
Just like me and my dad.
311
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:12,067
Mambo, what would be your
vision of the ideal family?
312
00:11:12,133 --> 00:11:14,267
One where intelligence
was rewarded.
313
00:11:14,334 --> 00:11:18,200
And where sensitive souls are
cultivated instead of squashed.
314
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:19,767
Shut up, or you'll end
up like those poets
315
00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:21,834
I cold-cocked last week.
316
00:11:21,901 --> 00:11:23,133
Ajax, what about you?
317
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,667
What's your vision
of the perfect family?
318
00:11:25,734 --> 00:11:27,734
(harp playing)
319
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:30,667
Oh, wow.
320
00:11:30,734 --> 00:11:34,434
We finally have the proof that
Joe and I have been looking for.
321
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,467
You're our long-lost brother.
322
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:40,534
Ajax Hackett.
323
00:11:40,601 --> 00:11:42,033
(guffawing)
324
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,400
(Brian grunting)
325
00:11:43,467 --> 00:11:45,667
Ajax, you're hurting me.
326
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,400
Mmm..
327
00:11:48,534 --> 00:11:50,133
(sighing)
328
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,934
Uh-oh. He's in
Nantucket again.
329
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,968
Perhaps we should
come back to him.
330
00:11:54,033 --> 00:11:58,334
Well, are we running the session
now, Mister Psycholology?
331
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,367
I sense you harbor some
resentment toward Cornfed.
332
00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:02,534
It's not true.
333
00:12:02,601 --> 00:12:03,734
You resent his
competence, don't you?
334
00:12:03,801 --> 00:12:04,901
No.
335
00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:06,501
Open up-- I got Karen Black
off cough syrup.
336
00:12:06,567 --> 00:12:08,601
I can get you to admit
you resent Cornfed.
337
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:09,601
Yes!
338
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:11,334
It's true, it's true!
339
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,501
(sobbing)
340
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:14,734
Wow, Mr. Duckman,
a breakthrough.
341
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:15,901
Thanks to Dr. Fox,
342
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:17,334
and let's not forget
343
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,501
the soul-enriching
Native American atmosphere.
344
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:24,267
Let us salute
our Indian brothers.
345
00:12:24,334 --> 00:12:28,801
Okay, I'll start with my tribute
to Ed Ames.
346
00:12:28,868 --> 00:12:29,834
(screaming)
347
00:12:29,901 --> 00:12:31,133
No, please!
348
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,634
Hostility here could reverse
the healing process.
349
00:12:33,701 --> 00:12:35,701
Nice one, you pan-fried
pony pellet.
350
00:12:35,767 --> 00:12:38,067
I got a hatchet with
your name on it, too,
351
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,801
stay-puffed
marshmallow butt.
352
00:12:39,868 --> 00:12:41,701
I can't listen to them
fight anymore.
353
00:12:41,767 --> 00:12:43,067
People, please calm down.
354
00:12:43,133 --> 00:12:44,567
Oh, you want
a piece of me?
355
00:12:44,634 --> 00:12:46,067
You haven't got
the huevos.
356
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,367
It's go time, baby.
357
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:50,200
Your emotional systems
are very raw right now.
358
00:12:50,267 --> 00:12:51,434
Count to ten before...
359
00:12:51,501 --> 00:12:52,467
One-two-four-six-ten!
360
00:12:52,534 --> 00:12:54,467
I want out of this family!
361
00:12:54,534 --> 00:12:55,734
Me, too-- I've
had it up to here.
362
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:57,234
Point at my chin, Charles.
363
00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:58,534
I'm busy shaking my fist.
364
00:12:58,601 --> 00:12:59,968
Point at your own chin!
365
00:13:00,033 --> 00:13:02,701
Fine! From now on I want
nothing to do with any of you.
366
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:05,767
I have no friends,
I have no sister-in-law, i...
367
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:07,601
Doc, quick, lend me your jacket.
368
00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:10,100
I... have... no sons!
369
00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:11,801
Don't give in to rage.
370
00:13:11,868 --> 00:13:13,267
Hah! You're complaining?
371
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,334
I'm the one
who sacrificed my life
372
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,234
cleaning
your post-binge filth,
373
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:20,167
vacuuming up dandruff
the size of chickpeas
374
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,534
putting up with visits
at all hours
375
00:13:22,601 --> 00:13:24,300
from Captain Moron, here.
376
00:13:24,367 --> 00:13:25,801
Don't take this the wrong way
377
00:13:25,868 --> 00:13:27,734
but get bent,
you lard-bottomed freak.
378
00:13:27,801 --> 00:13:29,734
People, please!
379
00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:31,067
ALL:
I want out!
380
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,234
ALL:
Me, too!
381
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:33,234
ALL:
Fine!
382
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:34,234
ALL:
Fine!
383
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:35,601
ALL:
Good-bye forever!
384
00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:37,100
Helen, keep Joe busy
385
00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:41,400
while Brian and I sneak
Antonio's goat on the plane.
386
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:46,801
Okay, okay, this is not good.
387
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:47,934
We must solve this
388
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,601
or your family
will be destroyed.
389
00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:50,968
Now, a good start, Duckman,
390
00:13:51,033 --> 00:13:53,734
would be for you to come out
from under those chairs.
391
00:13:53,801 --> 00:13:55,234
They're not chairs,
they're a fort.
392
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:57,234
I call it "Fort Duckman,"
and only Duckman's allowed in,
393
00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:58,834
and nobody's allowed in
who doesn't like Duckman
394
00:13:58,901 --> 00:14:01,801
who says bad things about
Duckman or treats Duckman bad!
395
00:14:01,868 --> 00:14:04,267
What are you changing
your name to?
396
00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:06,200
Uh, did somebody
hear a voice?
397
00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:08,767
Cornfed,
I sense you have issues.
398
00:14:08,834 --> 00:14:09,901
Oh, I have issues.
399
00:14:09,968 --> 00:14:11,467
Like the time he had a big date
400
00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:13,367
so he made me miss
my mother's funeral
401
00:14:13,434 --> 00:14:14,868
to cauterize his lucky goiter.
402
00:14:14,934 --> 00:14:16,133
And the time he got drunk
403
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,934
and gave my phone number
to Karen Black.
404
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,868
And the time he sold
everything I own
405
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:21,100
to raise money
to buy three truckloads
406
00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:23,334
of Who's the Boss
commemorative plates.
407
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,601
They were supposed
to triple in value!
408
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:27,200
Damn you to hell,
Tony Danza!
409
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,367
Damn you to hell!
410
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:31,634
Duckman, how does that list of,
uh... atrocities
411
00:14:31,701 --> 00:14:33,767
honestly make you feel?
412
00:14:33,834 --> 00:14:35,334
Like firing up
the charcoal
413
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,100
and popping a jug
of open pit.
414
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,534
You and what United Nations
peacekeeping force?
415
00:14:39,601 --> 00:14:41,534
Somewhere there's got to be
therapy you'll respond to.
416
00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:43,467
Uh, like, like foam bats.
417
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,234
(chomping)
418
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,300
Oh, or, uh...
419
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,601
role-playing. Yes!
420
00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:51,200
All right, then,
role-playing it is.
421
00:14:51,267 --> 00:14:53,534
Now, the idea behind the, uh...
422
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,434
Cornfed, what are you doing?
423
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,567
I'll be playing the role
of Hal Holbrook
424
00:14:57,634 --> 00:14:59,834
in an excerpt
from my popular one-man show
425
00:14:59,901 --> 00:15:01,400
Cornfed Pig is Hal Holbrook
426
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:04,067
is James Whitmore
is Mark Twain Tonight!
427
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:07,000
The L.A Weekly called it "a
foot-stomping, rollicking peek
428
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:08,501
at America's dark underbelly."
429
00:15:08,567 --> 00:15:11,467
Let's just...
stick to people in the room.
430
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:16,267
Perhaps if you
assume each other's roles
431
00:15:16,334 --> 00:15:19,367
you'll gain insight
into each other's problems.
432
00:15:19,434 --> 00:15:21,367
Duckman, you start.
433
00:15:21,434 --> 00:15:23,634
Why don't you play
the role of Cornfed?
434
00:15:23,701 --> 00:15:24,868
Oh, yeah.
435
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:26,868
Now you're going to get it.
436
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,367
Take your best shot.
437
00:15:28,434 --> 00:15:29,701
Stay focused!
438
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:32,934
Cornfed,
tell us about yourself.
439
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,534
Hi, I'm Cornfed.
440
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,934
I think I'm so smart
441
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,300
because I know everything
and I've had a lot of jobs
442
00:15:39,367 --> 00:15:42,467
so I'm really cool
and my slop don't stink.
443
00:15:42,534 --> 00:15:43,701
Good start.
444
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:46,200
Now, Cornfed,
why don't you give it a try?
445
00:15:46,267 --> 00:15:47,634
You be Duckman.
446
00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:49,701
Well, I'll try.
447
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:52,467
(in Duckman's voice):
Stuff it up your spinach spout,
you ham-handling hee-haw!
448
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:55,200
I've only got five minutes
till pep squad practice is over
449
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:57,167
and with any luck,
I'll be boom-bahing sis
450
00:15:57,234 --> 00:15:58,167
before lights out!
451
00:15:58,234 --> 00:15:59,667
I'm going to shine the old shank
452
00:15:59,734 --> 00:16:02,067
scrim the old shaw,
black the old lab, et-a-cetera.
453
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:03,334
(laughter)
454
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,868
Color me horny, Corny!
455
00:16:04,934 --> 00:16:06,334
My pump is primed! Hoo-hoo!
456
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,234
No! Let's not make this
all about Duckman!
457
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,234
Yeah.
Wait, I got
one, I got one.
458
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:13,367
(clears throat)
I'm off to my favorite hooker--
myself.
459
00:16:13,434 --> 00:16:15,234
Let's face it,
I'm always available
460
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,334
always willing,
and I really save money
461
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,033
with that five-finger discount.
462
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:20,200
(laughter)
463
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:23,267
We're supposed to
find common ground!
464
00:16:23,334 --> 00:16:26,267
We found it-- we all think
Duckman's the problem!
465
00:16:26,334 --> 00:16:28,634
Yeah, but... but...
466
00:16:28,701 --> 00:16:30,734
Snappy comeback.
467
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:32,133
(raucous laughter)
468
00:16:36,601 --> 00:16:39,033
Duckman, do you
want to say anything?
469
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,701
I don't know.
470
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:41,901
Whatever.
471
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,100
Duckman, I've never met
anyone like you,
472
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:45,567
and I don't know you well
473
00:16:45,634 --> 00:16:47,567
but this much
I do know about you--
474
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,968
you'll fight to have
your steak just right,
475
00:16:50,033 --> 00:16:52,300
you'll fight not to have
to wear a jacket,
476
00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:55,434
and you've fought like hell
over a hundred times today
477
00:16:55,501 --> 00:16:57,133
to get a peek
down my blouse.
478
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,300
Now you have to fight
for yourself,
479
00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:01,434
because if everyone
thinks you're bad
480
00:17:01,501 --> 00:17:03,701
the only way
to convince them otherwise
481
00:17:03,767 --> 00:17:06,434
is to share how you feel
from the heart.
482
00:17:06,501 --> 00:17:09,434
You mean... like O.J. did
on that video?
483
00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:10,467
Um...
484
00:17:10,534 --> 00:17:12,667
okay. If you like.
485
00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:14,234
You got it, doc.
486
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:16,701
(laughter)
487
00:17:16,767 --> 00:17:19,701
Wait. You're all so good
at playing me
488
00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:21,334
but what role
should I play, huh?
489
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,667
I could be Bernice.
490
00:17:22,734 --> 00:17:24,067
That's right, Duckman.
491
00:17:24,133 --> 00:17:25,767
Then I can undercut
your authority,
492
00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:27,467
constantly humiliate you
in public,
493
00:17:27,534 --> 00:17:29,834
teach your children
to have no respect for you
494
00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:33,868
and devalue your memories
of your wife.
495
00:17:33,934 --> 00:17:35,501
Or I could be Charles and Mambo
496
00:17:35,567 --> 00:17:37,501
flaunting the fact
I'm smarter than you,
497
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:39,834
treating you like an idiot
because you don't know anything
498
00:17:39,901 --> 00:17:42,033
about quantum split cyclamates--
whatever.
499
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:46,901
Why should you act like a father
when I never act like sons?
500
00:17:46,968 --> 00:17:48,501
I could be Fluffy
and Uranus
501
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,033
and force my views
on you.
502
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:53,701
Never respect your right
to have your own beliefs.
503
00:17:53,767 --> 00:17:55,701
Or I could be Cornfed,
504
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:58,200
always reminding you
who's the expert.
505
00:17:58,267 --> 00:18:00,734
I'd rather keep subtly
blowing my own horn
506
00:18:00,801 --> 00:18:03,067
than teaching you
to be a better detective...
507
00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:04,534
or a better friend.
508
00:18:04,601 --> 00:18:06,801
Well, you know what?
509
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,601
I don't want to be any of you.
510
00:18:11,734 --> 00:18:15,167
Dad... if I keep
being Ajax
511
00:18:15,234 --> 00:18:18,067
will you please
keep being my dad?
512
00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:20,200
You bet I will.
513
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:22,200
(both sighing)
514
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:27,067
I think Ajax has taught us
something here today.
515
00:18:27,133 --> 00:18:28,200
For better or worse
516
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:30,100
you're the only family
you've got
517
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,501
so make the most of it.
518
00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:32,834
You're right, doctor.
519
00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:35,801
Actually, this experience
has been... cleansing.
520
00:18:35,868 --> 00:18:38,601
I feel like you do
after a long, hot shower.
521
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:39,667
I'll take your word
for that part
522
00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:41,701
but I do feel better--
thanks, doc.
523
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:44,100
This is why I got
into psychology--
524
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:47,701
to find complex answers
to people's real problems.
525
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:50,200
Of course, then I found out
where the big money was--
526
00:18:50,267 --> 00:18:51,400
making up problems
527
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:53,434
and giving people
easy answers to them.
528
00:18:53,501 --> 00:18:55,367
So I'm going to forget
this whole thing happened.
529
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:56,634
I already have.
530
00:18:56,701 --> 00:18:58,033
Let's go, gang!
531
00:18:58,100 --> 00:18:59,701
(cheering)
532
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:02,801
* A medicine man I met *
533
00:19:02,868 --> 00:19:05,200
* Said don't get yourself
in a sweat *
534
00:19:05,267 --> 00:19:08,033
* When things look gray,
just shrug and say *
535
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:10,334
* "It must've been
something I 'et" *
536
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,767
* So don't get yourself
in a snit, he said *
537
00:19:12,834 --> 00:19:15,467
* Tuck your tantrums
into your kit, he said *
538
00:19:15,534 --> 00:19:18,234
* It's disarming
to be charming *
539
00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:20,567
* Quoth the medicine man*
540
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:24,901
Whom all agree it's plain to see
nobody could be wiser than
541
00:19:24,968 --> 00:19:27,701
* So if your temper's
getting a top hand *
542
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,334
* All you have to do
is just stop and *
543
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,434
* Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet *
544
00:19:33,501 --> 00:19:35,834
* Like the Choctaw, Chickasaw
Chattahoochee, Chippewa do*
545
00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:40,234
* Yeah, if you're feeling
mad as a wet hen *
546
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,567
* Mad as you can possibly get *
547
00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:45,100
* Then pass that peace pipe
and bury the tomahawk *
548
00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:48,868
* Like those Chichimecs,
Cherokees, Chapultepecs do*
549
00:19:50,467 --> 00:19:52,400
* When you're cranky *
550
00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,934
* Try to use
a little restraint *
551
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,434
* Fold that hanky *
552
00:19:57,501 --> 00:20:00,100
* And wipe off
all that war paint *
553
00:20:00,167 --> 00:20:02,601
* If you want to be
an all right guy *
554
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,934
* Not a long-face,
blues-in-the-night guy *
555
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,300
* Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet *
556
00:20:10,067 --> 00:20:12,834
(percussion solo)
557
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,234
* Soif you want
to pow-wow with Duckman *
558
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:24,234
* Stop your seams
from coming unstuck, man *
559
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,434
* Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet *
560
00:20:26,501 --> 00:20:29,133
* Write that apology
and dispatch it *
561
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,367
* When you part
it's grand to patch it *
562
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:34,000
* Take a chill pill,
down-the-hatch it *
563
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,167
* Bet your foe'd be glad
to match it *
564
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,567
* Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet*
565
00:20:38,634 --> 00:20:41,234
* Like the Chumash, Chickasaws
Chattahoochees, Chippewas*
566
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:43,734
* And those Chichimecs,
Cherokees, Chapultepecs*
567
00:20:43,801 --> 00:20:46,067
* And the Chacootamees
Chepacheps and Chickapeas*
568
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:50,834
* Chungchos, Changos
Chattanooga, Chicaroles do!*
569
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:53,801
(applause and cheering)
570
00:20:54,968 --> 00:20:56,200
Duckman, remove your hand.
571
00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:59,067
Heh-heh-heh. Sorry.
572
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,434
* So if you want
to pow-wow with Duckman *
573
00:21:01,501 --> 00:21:03,901
* Stop your seams
from coming unstuck, man *
574
00:21:03,968 --> 00:21:06,300
* Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet *
575
00:21:06,367 --> 00:21:08,801
* Write that apology
and dispatch it *
576
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,934
* When you part
it's grand to patch it *
577
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,601
* Take a chill pill,
down-the-hatch it *
578
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:15,767
* Bet your foe'd be glad
to match it *
579
00:21:15,834 --> 00:21:17,934
* Pass that peace pipe
and bury that hatchet*
580
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,767
* Like the Chumash, Chickasaws
Chattahoochees, Chippewas*
581
00:21:20,834 --> 00:21:23,434
* And those Chichimecs,
Cherokees, Chapultepecs*
582
00:21:23,501 --> 00:21:26,167
* And the Chacootamees
Chepacheps and Chickapeas*
583
00:21:26,234 --> 00:21:30,634
* Chungchos, Changos
Chattanooga, Chicaroles do!*
584
00:21:31,834 --> 00:21:34,467
(chorus of zany sounds)
585
00:21:36,434 --> 00:21:38,868
(clattering, sloshing)
41939
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