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1
00:00:08,934 --> 00:00:10,701
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:13,801 --> 00:00:15,734
(indistinct chatter)
3
00:00:20,701 --> 00:00:23,300
(overlapping chatter)
4
00:00:27,601 --> 00:00:28,901
"Let's go to the local college
5
00:00:28,934 --> 00:00:30,734
and find an intern
for the agency," you said.
6
00:00:30,767 --> 00:00:32,734
"You'll really get something
out of giving back
7
00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,267
to the community," you said.
8
00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:37,934
Well, so far, the only thing
I've gotten today
is a sore butt!
9
00:00:37,968 --> 00:00:41,667
You know, Corny, you pulled
some real boners in your day...
10
00:00:41,701 --> 00:00:44,000
and now it's my turn.
11
00:00:44,033 --> 00:00:45,300
(woman screaming)
12
00:00:49,868 --> 00:00:51,167
Greetings, sir.
13
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:52,501
I've come to inquire
14
00:00:52,534 --> 00:00:55,133
about your intriguing
offer of internship.
15
00:00:56,901 --> 00:00:59,868
Is this some sort of
fraternity hazing stunt?
16
00:00:59,901 --> 00:01:03,467
(laughing):
I just love your voice.
17
00:01:03,501 --> 00:01:05,567
You're like the white
Barry White, aren't you?
18
00:01:05,601 --> 00:01:08,734
But no. Rest assured that
since I was a young lad,
19
00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:10,901
being strolled about town
in Nanny's pram,
20
00:01:10,934 --> 00:01:12,901
I've found that there's
no greater profession
21
00:01:12,934 --> 00:01:14,434
than that of a gumshoe.
22
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:16,634
Um, you realize we can't
pay you, of course,
23
00:01:16,667 --> 00:01:18,200
and that putting our agency
on your r�sum�
24
00:01:18,234 --> 00:01:20,467
could actually cost you jobs,
and that several people
25
00:01:20,501 --> 00:01:21,901
who have used our bathroom
26
00:01:21,934 --> 00:01:23,901
contracted three
different strains of...
27
00:01:23,934 --> 00:01:25,267
Please, it matters not.
28
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:26,834
To intern for your agency,
29
00:01:26,868 --> 00:01:29,067
I would gladly walk
across the hot coals of hell
30
00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:31,634
in a pair of open-toed shoes.
31
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:33,000
Then I guess
our next step
32
00:01:33,033 --> 00:01:34,367
would be setting up
an interview
33
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,834
with the president
of our company.
34
00:01:35,868 --> 00:01:37,834
And I take it he's
the delightful scamp
35
00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,334
hiding underneath
the table.
36
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:41,367
Good news, Corn.
37
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:42,934
This exquisite
exchange student
38
00:01:42,968 --> 00:01:44,567
has agreed
to become our intern.
39
00:01:44,601 --> 00:01:46,868
She's from Bally.
40
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:48,467
I think you
mean Bali.
41
00:01:48,501 --> 00:01:49,467
Bali?!
42
00:01:49,501 --> 00:01:50,968
Forget it!
43
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,167
Duckman, I'd like
you to meet...
44
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,400
Elliott-- humbly applying
for the position
45
00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:57,567
of intern/manservant.
46
00:01:57,601 --> 00:01:58,767
I don't know, schlummo,
47
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:00,267
you're not exactly
what I had in mind,
48
00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:03,000
i.e., young, female,
non-repulsive...
49
00:02:03,033 --> 00:02:04,901
Duckman, I think
you should make
your decision now.
50
00:02:04,934 --> 00:02:06,467
The students
are protesting
51
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,801
your presence
on campus.
52
00:02:07,834 --> 00:02:09,133
There he is.
53
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,000
Don't let him get away!
54
00:02:11,033 --> 00:02:12,367
Come on! Got you!
55
00:02:24,534 --> 00:02:28,501
Did... I... do... okay?
56
00:02:28,534 --> 00:02:30,167
You did great, kid.
57
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,033
Nobody's ever taken
a tomato for me before.
58
00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:34,701
I took a bullet
for you once
59
00:02:34,734 --> 00:02:36,400
and a knife
and a gin bottle
60
00:02:36,434 --> 00:02:38,300
and a three-ton
tractor-trailer...
61
00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:40,033
Quit wallowing
in the past, Corn.
62
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,567
Elliot, welcome
to Team Duckman.
63
00:02:41,601 --> 00:02:43,901
And now for our first
order of business...
64
00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:45,701
(all clamoring)
65
00:02:45,734 --> 00:02:48,167
Let's get the hell
out of here!
66
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:52,701
Ah, to attend a public function
with Duckman
67
00:02:52,734 --> 00:02:54,334
and leave using the door.
68
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:01,234
(whistling)
69
00:03:01,267 --> 00:03:02,234
(grunts)
70
00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:03,200
(gasps)
71
00:03:04,534 --> 00:03:06,334
Good morrow, Mr. C.
72
00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:07,501
Morning, Elliott.
73
00:03:07,534 --> 00:03:09,501
Um, I'm afraid you're
sitting at my desk.
74
00:03:09,534 --> 00:03:12,467
My, a tad territorial,
aren't we?
75
00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:14,968
Actually, since I've already
set up shop here, you know,
76
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,234
picture cubes, carbon paper,
that sort of thing,
77
00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:19,667
I was wondering if you wouldn't
mind being a flower drum song
78
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:21,267
working over there for a bit.
79
00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:24,701
Um...
Thanks.
You're a dear.
80
00:03:24,734 --> 00:03:25,834
Now, tell me--
81
00:03:25,868 --> 00:03:28,801
what time does that nice
Mr. Duckman come in?
82
00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:30,567
Usually as soon
as bail is posted.
83
00:03:30,601 --> 00:03:32,434
Now, then, since today
is your first day,
84
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:34,834
I was thinking we should
go over the Detective Manual.
85
00:03:34,868 --> 00:03:36,000
If you have
any questions,
86
00:03:36,033 --> 00:03:37,667
please don't
hesitate to ask.
87
00:03:37,701 --> 00:03:39,367
"Chapter one..."
88
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:40,534
Um, Elliott?
89
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:42,133
What are
Duckman's dreams?
90
00:03:42,167 --> 00:03:43,400
Last I heard,
91
00:03:43,434 --> 00:03:45,367
a Poconos hot tub weekend
with Loretta Swit.
92
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,367
Now, then,
"Chapter one..."
93
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,534
Elliott?
94
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:49,968
Will Duckman
ever remarry?
95
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,133
He probably couldn't
pass the blood test.
96
00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:53,300
Now, then...
97
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,801
Forgive me if
I'm misreading you, Elliott,
98
00:03:55,834 --> 00:03:58,067
but you seem
somewhat obsessed with...
99
00:03:58,100 --> 00:03:59,534
Duckman!
100
00:03:59,567 --> 00:04:01,868
What to do?
What to do?
101
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:03,868
Yesterday, I used you
as a living dart board,
102
00:04:03,901 --> 00:04:07,367
the day before, I tossed you
in the trash compactor...
103
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:08,367
Perhaps I would make
104
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,200
one teensy-weensy,
bite-size suggestion.
105
00:04:11,234 --> 00:04:12,968
(whispering)
106
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,968
Elliott, you're a man-child
after my own heart.
107
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,300
Ow!
Ow!
108
00:04:17,334 --> 00:04:19,200
(loud chewing
and swallowing)
109
00:04:19,234 --> 00:04:21,133
They think
I've tortured them before.
110
00:04:21,167 --> 00:04:22,367
Wait till they experience
111
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,667
the horrors
of my digestive system.
112
00:04:24,701 --> 00:04:26,334
(rumbling)
113
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,334
Enjoy the ride, kids.
114
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:29,834
Since today's
my first day
115
00:04:29,868 --> 00:04:31,200
under your
rather...
(sniffing)
116
00:04:31,234 --> 00:04:33,234
aromatic wing,
I thought I'd show
117
00:04:33,267 --> 00:04:34,300
my appreciation
118
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:36,434
by tossing together
a little smorgasbord.
119
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:39,467
Whoo-hoo!
120
00:04:39,501 --> 00:04:40,968
Bon app�tit!
121
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,901
But, Duckman,
you promised
122
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,100
to watch
your cholesterol.
123
00:04:44,133 --> 00:04:46,400
Oh, I also brought in
a few periodicals
124
00:04:46,434 --> 00:04:47,901
to spruce up
your waiting area.
125
00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:49,100
I hope none of you
are offended
126
00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:50,534
by the risqu�.
127
00:04:52,634 --> 00:04:54,167
Women's Babe Daily!
128
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,567
Better Hose and Garters!
129
00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:57,667
Seventeen Inches!
130
00:04:57,701 --> 00:04:59,467
It's a regular pornocopia!
131
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:01,367
Whoo-hoo! Check it out, Corn.
132
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,968
Pop-ups.
133
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,300
Blush.
134
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:05,767
Well, I guess
Elliott and I
should carry on
135
00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:07,567
with our detective training.
136
00:05:07,601 --> 00:05:09,901
Well, actually,
I think I'd get more
out of studying
137
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:12,133
under the master
instead. Don't you?
138
00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:13,968
Duckman, what do you
say knock off early
139
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,701
and head to this
go-go place I know
140
00:05:15,734 --> 00:05:17,501
where we can have a
serious, sober discussion
141
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:19,901
of the intricacies of
private investigation.
142
00:05:19,934 --> 00:05:20,701
(chuckles)
143
00:05:20,734 --> 00:05:22,067
Lap dances on me.
144
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,234
Last one in the car
mops up the vomit.
145
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,133
Actually,
a sparkling
apple cider
146
00:05:28,167 --> 00:05:29,934
would kind of
hit the spot.
147
00:05:29,968 --> 00:05:32,267
Cornfed, aren't you
forgetting something?
148
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:33,767
It says in your
appointment book
149
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:36,167
that you're volunteering
at some sort of...
150
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,267
geriatric hospital
this morning.
151
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,501
Mm, you're right.
152
00:05:42,534 --> 00:05:44,133
I best hurry over.
153
00:05:45,267 --> 00:05:47,300
Well, Elliott,
it was certainly nice
154
00:05:47,334 --> 00:05:48,634
having you here today.
155
00:05:48,667 --> 00:05:49,968
What did you say?
156
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,100
It was nice
having me here? "Nice?"
157
00:05:53,133 --> 00:05:55,133
What are you trying to say?
That I'm cute?
158
00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:58,033
Some sideshow geek to dance
for your amusement?
159
00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,367
Is that what you want,
little pig man?
160
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,467
A little shimmy?
161
00:06:01,501 --> 00:06:02,634
A little shake?
162
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:04,300
Does that
make you happy?
163
00:06:04,334 --> 00:06:06,801
Does that make you
feel like a man?!
164
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,868
No. I just meant
it was nice having you here.
165
00:06:09,901 --> 00:06:12,200
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't hear right.
166
00:06:12,234 --> 00:06:13,367
Waxy buildup.
167
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:14,534
Ha, anyhoo...
168
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,501
bye-bye now.
Come again.
169
00:06:17,801 --> 00:06:20,534
This little piggy
thinks he's so smart.
170
00:06:20,567 --> 00:06:22,434
He thinks he's so funny, eh?
171
00:06:22,467 --> 00:06:25,834
Well, let's just see
who's laughing now, shall we?
172
00:06:25,868 --> 00:06:27,000
(chuckles)
173
00:06:27,033 --> 00:06:29,634
Let's just see
who's laughing now.
174
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:31,601
(evil laughter)
175
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,200
What are you people
still doing here?
176
00:06:37,234 --> 00:06:39,133
Don't you have a little
psychic friends commercial
177
00:06:39,167 --> 00:06:40,601
to watch or something?
178
00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:49,334
(crickets chirping)
179
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,000
(Duckman retching)
180
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:57,968
Elliott, tonight was the
greatest night of my life.
181
00:06:58,033 --> 00:07:00,334
And you, my friend,
made it all possible.
182
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:02,901
What did we do again?
183
00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:04,634
(laughing)
184
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,734
No. I'm serious.
185
00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:10,801
Well, let's see.
What didn't we do?
186
00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:13,334
Strip clubs,
table dances,
187
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:14,968
uh, triple-X
double features,
188
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,334
beer bongs, flaming
shots, tattoos...
189
00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:18,267
Tattoos?
190
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:19,400
(gasps)
191
00:07:19,434 --> 00:07:21,834
Yes, the infection
that's setting in
192
00:07:21,868 --> 00:07:24,200
lends a nice graphic
relief quality,
193
00:07:24,234 --> 00:07:24,767
don't you think?
194
00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:26,634
(laughing giddily)
195
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:28,434
You know, Duckman,
I've been thinking
196
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,801
that since we've had
so much fun tonight
197
00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:32,834
and would hate to
see said fun end,
198
00:07:32,868 --> 00:07:34,934
well, I have a
proposition to make.
199
00:07:34,968 --> 00:07:36,000
Proposition?
Sorry.
200
00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:38,033
This duck don't
splunk in the bunk
201
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:39,501
if you know what I mean.
202
00:07:39,534 --> 00:07:42,100
Though, maybe
after another drink.
203
00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:43,501
(laughing)
204
00:07:43,534 --> 00:07:44,467
Ooh!
205
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,067
Shh, shh, shh.
206
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,968
We don't want to wake
that beast Ber...
207
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,000
(smoke alarm beeping)
208
00:07:51,033 --> 00:07:52,334
(screaming)
209
00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:54,667
Ahh! Ooh! Ahh!
210
00:07:54,701 --> 00:07:56,100
Ahh!
211
00:07:56,133 --> 00:07:57,400
There isn't
any fire.
212
00:07:57,434 --> 00:07:59,033
It's just dad.
213
00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:00,734
I can't decide
which is worse.
214
00:08:00,767 --> 00:08:03,868
You mean we hosed
Grandma-ma down
for nothing?
215
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:07,000
How many times
do I have to tell you
216
00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:10,467
no more work-release convicts
to do our yard!
217
00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:13,868
Duckman, I didn't know
you had a daughter.
218
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:16,667
You must be mistaken.
219
00:08:16,701 --> 00:08:18,667
I'm Duckman's sister-in-law.
220
00:08:18,701 --> 00:08:20,200
You're Bernice?
221
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:23,200
Ha, when Duckman described you
as kvetching
222
00:08:23,234 --> 00:08:25,667
I'm sure he meant "fetching."
223
00:08:25,701 --> 00:08:26,767
Mm-wha.
224
00:08:26,801 --> 00:08:28,834
(tittering)
225
00:08:28,868 --> 00:08:30,968
(clearing throat)
(clearing throat)
226
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,534
Don't worry. I've got plenty
of hugs and kisses for you too.
227
00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:36,200
Papa has told me
so much about you.
228
00:08:36,234 --> 00:08:37,834
Mm-wha.
Mm-wha.
229
00:08:37,868 --> 00:08:39,200
Oh, they're darling--
230
00:08:39,234 --> 00:08:41,767
just like the Olsen Twins
only much less eerie.
231
00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:44,567
But forgive my manners.
232
00:08:44,601 --> 00:08:46,901
My name is Elliott--
233
00:08:46,934 --> 00:08:49,801
a college student,
hyphen, aspiring detective
234
00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:52,434
under the tutelage
of your dear, sweet father.
235
00:08:52,467 --> 00:08:54,667
In fact, we have
an announcement to make.
236
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,567
Should you tell them,
or should I?
237
00:08:56,601 --> 00:08:59,100
Since I have absolute
no idea what you're
talking about,
238
00:08:59,133 --> 00:09:00,234
perhaps you should.
239
00:09:00,267 --> 00:09:02,234
In order to focus
my studies better,
240
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:03,901
I was hoping to move
into your humble abode
241
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,234
and become an
honorary member
242
00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:08,200
of the delightful
Duckman family.
243
00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:12,868
Sure. I understand.
244
00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:15,200
You're happy
the way you are.
245
00:09:15,234 --> 00:09:18,033
You remind me of my family,
right before they were killed
246
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:21,601
by that experimental gasoline
space heater back in '87.
247
00:09:21,634 --> 00:09:23,968
Go ahead,
toss me out into the street.
248
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,634
I'm sure a nice religious cult
will take me in--
249
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,300
just as long as I shave my head
250
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:31,067
and put on
some really ugly sandals.
251
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:33,067
(sobbing)
252
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,701
(sobbing)
253
00:09:38,734 --> 00:09:42,334
I feel just... awful.
254
00:09:42,367 --> 00:09:45,400
Of course you can stay
with us, Mr. Elliott.
255
00:09:45,434 --> 00:09:47,300
That's Uncle Elliott.
256
00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:48,367
Come on, boys.
257
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,901
Let's fix up
the guest room.
258
00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:51,334
We got a guest room?
259
00:09:51,367 --> 00:09:54,200
We do when you sleep
in the car. Ha!
260
00:09:54,234 --> 00:09:56,501
From now on-- a new
era in decadence.
261
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:58,634
As much fun as we
had this evening,
262
00:09:58,667 --> 00:10:01,801
I promise ten...
no 11 times more.
263
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,367
All the rich food
264
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,133
your bloated belly
can handle,
265
00:10:05,167 --> 00:10:08,267
all the bodacious babes
your lazy eyes can ogle,
266
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:11,767
all the pleasure
one body can stand.
267
00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:15,734
I... I don't think anybody's
ever been as nice to me,
268
00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:18,501
ever understood me
as much as you do.
269
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:19,801
Thanks, Elliott.
270
00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:22,868
Aw, come here, you
big sour-smelling galoot.
271
00:10:22,901 --> 00:10:25,767
In the words of that
sassy chanteuse,
272
00:10:25,801 --> 00:10:29,968
Ms. Dionne Warwick,
"That's what friends are...
273
00:10:32,167 --> 00:10:33,467
...for."
274
00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:41,601
(whistling
"Old MacDonald Had a Farm")
275
00:10:41,634 --> 00:10:43,834
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
276
00:10:43,868 --> 00:10:45,634
Duckman, what are you
doing here this early?
277
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:48,634
Don't you claim to be legally
blind until at least noon?
278
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:49,934
No time to sleep,
Pork Barrel.
279
00:10:49,968 --> 00:10:51,267
There's just too much
fun to be had.
280
00:10:52,567 --> 00:10:54,300
Why waste two to three minutes
waiting
281
00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:56,167
for morning coffee to kick in,
when I can just inject it
282
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,667
directly
into the old bloodstream?
283
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,734
I thought
you'd given up caffeine
284
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:03,167
since it was making you
break out in those long,
alliterative rants
285
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,267
about the injustices
of modern-day society
286
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:07,501
that we were all pretty much
getting sick of.
287
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:10,400
God, you'd think he was
your mama or something.
288
00:11:10,434 --> 00:11:12,601
(giggling)
289
00:11:12,634 --> 00:11:13,701
You know, it's funny.
290
00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:15,167
When I went
to the hospital yesterday,
291
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,200
I found I wasn't supposed
to volunteer until next week.
292
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:18,501
That's never happened to me
before.
293
00:11:18,534 --> 00:11:19,501
Gee, that is funny.
294
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:21,334
You should go
on Star Search.
295
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:23,934
Duckman, you keep up
with your, uh, research.
296
00:11:23,968 --> 00:11:26,300
I'll throw some slugs
in the candy machine
down the hall
297
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:27,901
and come back
with every gooey
298
00:11:27,934 --> 00:11:29,767
glucose sugary snack
known to man.
299
00:11:29,801 --> 00:11:32,467
Breakfast is after all the most
important meal of the day.
300
00:11:32,501 --> 00:11:34,534
Elliott, you the man!
301
00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:41,300
Duckman, does Elliott strike you
as a little... odd?
302
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,033
Oh, cut him some slack, Cornfed.
303
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,701
You know these college kids--
304
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,634
always looking for someone
to believe in
305
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:49,067
some sort of role model.
306
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,367
Ugh! Damn ringworms.
307
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,534
I guess you're right.
308
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:54,033
(ringing)
309
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,033
Duckman Detect...
310
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,501
Yes. This is Cornfed.
311
00:11:56,534 --> 00:11:59,567
(muffled yelling on phone)
312
00:11:59,601 --> 00:12:00,901
But that's impossible, Doctor.
313
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:02,434
It says in my appointment book
314
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:04,567
I don't donate my kidney
until three...
315
00:12:04,601 --> 00:12:06,534
(muffled yelling)
Oh, that's horrible.
316
00:12:06,567 --> 00:12:09,033
Please tell the family I'll go
halfsies on the headstone.
317
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:12,367
(ringing)
318
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,234
I'm sorry, Warden, but according
to my appointment book,
319
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:18,501
I don't sing to the inmates
until next Thursday.
320
00:12:18,534 --> 00:12:20,000
How many
have been taken hostage?
321
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:22,634
(gunshots, line disconnects)
322
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:23,767
(dial tone)
323
00:12:24,934 --> 00:12:27,267
Something very odd
is going on here.
324
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:30,267
Cuckoo.
325
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:31,834
He, uh, must be
going through
326
00:12:31,868 --> 00:12:33,601
the change of life
or something.
327
00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:35,100
Your candy, sire.
328
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:36,534
Oh, can't.
329
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:38,267
No more room.
330
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,868
Ah, but you're
forgetting...
331
00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:41,200
(whispering)
332
00:12:41,234 --> 00:12:43,033
That's right!
333
00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:44,200
Fluffy and Uranus.
334
00:12:44,234 --> 00:12:46,100
Can't wait to see
the look on their faces.
335
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,300
Neither can I.
336
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,367
(ringing)
337
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,434
Duckman's Agency.
338
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:50,434
(muffled voice on phone)
339
00:12:50,467 --> 00:12:51,434
Uh, Cornfed?
340
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:54,701
One moment, Sister Aloysius.
341
00:12:54,734 --> 00:12:56,467
I'll see if he's in.
342
00:12:56,501 --> 00:12:58,501
(falsetto):
This is Cornfed Pig.
343
00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:00,167
(normal voce):
No, that's not right.
344
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,834
(Italian accent):
This a-is a-Cornfed Pig.
345
00:13:02,868 --> 00:13:03,868
(normal voice):
That's close.
346
00:13:03,901 --> 00:13:05,033
(coughing)
347
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:06,434
(imitating Cornfed):
This is Cornfed Pig.
348
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,100
The orphans are waiting
for me to read to them?
349
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:09,234
Who am I? Their parents?
350
00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:10,734
Yeah, I got a million of them.
351
00:13:10,767 --> 00:13:12,400
Listen, sister,
I've been meaning to tell you,
352
00:13:12,434 --> 00:13:13,667
it's a good thing
you're married to God
353
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:15,467
'cause no man
would ever want you.
354
00:13:15,501 --> 00:13:16,467
Ha!
355
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:17,734
What?
I've offended you?
356
00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:19,334
Then go have a stigmata. Ha!
357
00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:21,968
(dial tone)
Hello. Hello?
358
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,534
Check... and mate.
359
00:13:24,567 --> 00:13:26,033
I don't even know how
to play chess,
360
00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:29,701
but that sounds so--
you know-- goldfingery.
361
00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:31,000
Extra! Extra!
362
00:13:31,033 --> 00:13:32,868
Pig's hateful words hurt nun!
363
00:13:32,901 --> 00:13:34,234
Orphanage to close!
364
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:37,033
Orphans to be sold to science!
365
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,067
(mob screaming)
366
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,868
Fluffy, Uranus, where's Duckman?
367
00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:45,701
BOTH:
Please don't eat us.
Please don't eat us.
368
00:13:45,734 --> 00:13:46,934
Please don't eat us.
369
00:13:49,467 --> 00:13:51,567
My world has been turned
upside down.
370
00:13:51,601 --> 00:13:53,667
I don't know what's
happening to me.
371
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:55,834
I'm changing appointments
I don't remember changing.
372
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,667
Hurling insults
I don't remember hurling.
373
00:13:57,701 --> 00:13:58,667
How can this...
374
00:13:58,701 --> 00:14:00,501
Look, Piggy,
or Oink-Oink,
375
00:14:00,534 --> 00:14:02,767
or whatever the hell
you call yourself.
376
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:03,868
If you're going to have
377
00:14:03,901 --> 00:14:06,300
some kind of Mansonesque
ooga-booga breakdown,
378
00:14:06,334 --> 00:14:07,300
do it on your own time.
379
00:14:07,334 --> 00:14:09,667
We're trying
to work here.
380
00:14:09,701 --> 00:14:10,968
I may be losing my mind,
381
00:14:11,033 --> 00:14:12,701
but I'm sane enough to know
that you're trouble.
382
00:14:12,734 --> 00:14:14,133
Get away from him, Duckman.
383
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:15,567
He waits on you
hand and foot,
384
00:14:15,601 --> 00:14:16,901
gives you
everything you want.
385
00:14:16,934 --> 00:14:19,300
Oh, and that makes
me trouble. Oh, yeah.
386
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:20,367
That makes sense.
387
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,067
"Duh, I'm Cornfed.
I'm a detective.
388
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:25,367
Duh, look at me,
everybody. I'm dumb."
(laughs)
389
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,033
(laughs)
Ah, you got to admit,
the kid's got you down.
390
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,167
I'll have you know
that Duckman and Elliott
391
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,534
go together
like peanut butter and jelly
392
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:33,968
spaghetti and meat balls.
393
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,634
Air show and disaster?
394
00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:39,901
(whining):
You take that back right now.
395
00:14:39,934 --> 00:14:41,067
(sniffles)
396
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,501
(sobbing):
Anybody got a hankie?
397
00:14:42,534 --> 00:14:44,234
Preferably a Puffs Plus.
398
00:14:44,267 --> 00:14:45,300
I chafe so easily.
399
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:48,267
Well, lookee, lookee-loo.
400
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,634
What do we have here?
401
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:56,167
Cornfed!
How could you?
402
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,167
Duckman, it's obviously
a forgery.
403
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,334
First, I would never wrest
404
00:14:59,367 --> 00:15:01,067
control of your agency
away from you.
405
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,000
Second, I spell
my name with a "C."
406
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:04,634
I don't want to hear
your excuses!
407
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:07,067
I don't care if you screwed up
your charity work.
408
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:08,601
I don't care if you make
the kid weep like a woman.
409
00:15:08,634 --> 00:15:10,601
I don't even care if you make
prank phone calls to nuns--
410
00:15:10,634 --> 00:15:12,767
which, by the way,
is my domain--
411
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:14,868
but when you try taking away
my business--
412
00:15:14,901 --> 00:15:17,100
something I worked so hard
to form as a tax write-off
413
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,701
those many years ago--
that's where I draw the line.
414
00:15:19,734 --> 00:15:21,734
Pack your trough, Corny.
You're through.
415
00:15:21,767 --> 00:15:24,067
I'll have a real friend
show you to the door.
416
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,234
Get him out
of here, Elliott.
417
00:15:25,267 --> 00:15:27,200
He makes me sick.
418
00:15:27,234 --> 00:15:30,300
No sooner said than done,
your eminence.
419
00:15:30,334 --> 00:15:32,501
Uh, Duckman,
please...
420
00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:33,801
Um, nope.
421
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:35,601
Go, you.
(straining)
422
00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:36,400
I'm still
your friend.
423
00:15:36,434 --> 00:15:37,634
I need your help.
424
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,934
(grunting)
425
00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:41,234
Please.
426
00:15:42,701 --> 00:15:43,968
(sniffles)
427
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,200
And thus, my fall from gracewas complete.
428
00:15:53,234 --> 00:15:54,767
For reasonsI still can't explain,
429
00:15:54,801 --> 00:15:57,634
I've broken appointments andpromises, hurt a lot of people
430
00:15:57,667 --> 00:16:00,501
and in turn,betrayed an entire city.
431
00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:03,367
(snarling)
432
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:09,300
But it's not me, I swear.
433
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:10,701
It's... it's...
434
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:13,634
(man grunting)
435
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,968
(distant police siren wailing)
436
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,033
Elliott. All this started
as soon as he joined the agency.
437
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:21,968
He could have forged that
letter, changed my appointments,
438
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,868
captured my dulcet
yet virile tones
439
00:16:23,901 --> 00:16:25,234
when that nun called...
440
00:16:25,267 --> 00:16:26,467
but why? Why?
441
00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:29,234
Why, why, why would Elliott
be behind this?
442
00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:30,534
(wind whistling)
443
00:16:32,267 --> 00:16:35,167
Sadly, not even the urbane
insights of Marmaduke
444
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,400
can bring a smile to this face.
445
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:41,434
Gasp.
446
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:42,467
(thunder crashes)
447
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,467
(men hooting)
448
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:54,300
Whoo! What a fantabulous
celebration
449
00:16:54,334 --> 00:16:56,167
of our new partnership.
450
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,534
More chocolate-covered
pork jerky, Duckman?
451
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,901
(squishing)
452
00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:08,534
(gulping)
453
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,834
I wonder where
that waitress is
454
00:17:11,868 --> 00:17:14,434
with those grain-alcohol
enemas I ordered?
455
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:18,000
Elliott... I'm never one
to poop on a party
456
00:17:18,033 --> 00:17:20,501
unless, of course,
it's one of those parties,
457
00:17:20,534 --> 00:17:22,801
but I haven't slept
since I met you.
458
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:26,000
Maybe we should...
you know, go home.
459
00:17:26,033 --> 00:17:27,434
Come on, Duckman!
460
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:28,968
One more lap dance.
461
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,934
It's not going to kill you.
462
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:33,367
(snaps fingers)
463
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:34,367
(rimshot)
464
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,801
(audience gasps)
465
00:17:36,834 --> 00:17:37,634
Yeah!
466
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,334
(laughing)
467
00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:54,000
(erratic heartbeat)
468
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:00,634
(thunder crashing)
469
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:02,868
(glass breaking)
470
00:18:02,901 --> 00:18:03,868
Cornfed!
471
00:18:03,901 --> 00:18:05,067
Here's a Hamilton, baby.
472
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:06,567
Buy yourself a new hat.
473
00:18:06,601 --> 00:18:08,100
Duckman, come back.
474
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,400
(groggy mumbling)
475
00:18:09,434 --> 00:18:12,067
I'm afraid your little
experiment is over, Elliott.
476
00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:14,501
Or should I say,
Dr. Remus Elliott?
477
00:18:14,534 --> 00:18:17,467
You... I... me... her...
478
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:19,100
How did you find out?
479
00:18:19,133 --> 00:18:20,767
By being the only person
in the world
480
00:18:20,801 --> 00:18:22,934
who will actually read
a college newspaper.
481
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:24,934
You're no student,
nor were you ever
482
00:18:24,968 --> 00:18:26,701
interested in
becoming a detective.
483
00:18:26,734 --> 00:18:28,701
You were merely
using Duckman
as a pawn
484
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:30,334
in your sick
research
experiment
485
00:18:30,367 --> 00:18:32,067
to see if you could kill
a man with pleasure.
486
00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:33,868
Okay, Mannix, you nailed me.
487
00:18:33,901 --> 00:18:35,734
The second I saw him
on intern day,
488
00:18:35,767 --> 00:18:37,667
I knew Duckman would be
the perfect specimen
489
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,701
for this project.
490
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:40,033
His total lack
of restraint
491
00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,033
self-control,
willpower, class--
492
00:18:42,067 --> 00:18:44,501
let's face it, the guy's
a friggin' mess.
493
00:18:44,534 --> 00:18:46,434
(mumbling feverishly)
494
00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:47,767
But why discredit me?
495
00:18:47,801 --> 00:18:49,100
Try to ruin my life?
496
00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:50,701
Oh, I could say
you represent
497
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:52,367
the yin
to Duckman's yang--
498
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,801
that your stable influence
is the only thing
499
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,968
that's kept him from getting
to this state years ago.
500
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,801
But the real reason I tried
destroying you, Cornfed...
501
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:03,133
was that I just
never cared for you.
502
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:05,267
I don't know, there was, like,
a wall or something between us.
503
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:06,567
We never really connected.
504
00:19:06,601 --> 00:19:08,667
You've done enough harm
for one lifetime, Doctor.
505
00:19:08,701 --> 00:19:10,000
The next paper
you'll be writing
506
00:19:10,033 --> 00:19:12,100
will be your resignation
letter to the college.
507
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:13,567
Dream on, Pinky.
508
00:19:13,601 --> 00:19:16,400
When I finish my experiment,
I'll get my thesis published,
509
00:19:16,434 --> 00:19:19,367
thus accomplishing
my greatest achievement ever:
510
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,200
tenure!
511
00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:22,367
Come on, Duckman.
512
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,634
We're going home.
513
00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:24,968
Oh, no, he's not.
514
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,100
The Duckman
belongs to me now.
515
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:29,267
Duckman, come here.
516
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,200
Here, Ducky.
517
00:19:30,234 --> 00:19:32,100
Duck-Duck, Ducky, Ducky.
518
00:19:32,133 --> 00:19:33,901
(grunting feebly)
519
00:19:33,934 --> 00:19:35,234
Duckman, it's me, Cornfed--
520
00:19:35,267 --> 00:19:38,133
you know, Corn Pone...
Corn Husker... Cornicles.
521
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:39,968
(whimpering)
522
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,234
Cornfed doesn't know how to have
a good time, Duckman.
523
00:19:42,267 --> 00:19:43,901
You said so yourself.
524
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:44,968
(whimpers)
525
00:19:45,033 --> 00:19:46,634
Duckman, no.
You've got to be strong.
526
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:47,934
Do it for your family.
527
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:50,167
Charles, Mambo, Ajax, Bern...
528
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,167
Gecko.
529
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,000
(grunts weakly)
530
00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:57,367
Look like it's time to break out
the big guns, so to speak.
531
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,067
I'm sorry.
Did I forget to mention
532
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:02,267
that our sultry, seductive
sexpot was also
533
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,000
a sextuplet!
534
00:20:12,467 --> 00:20:13,868
Come to me, Duckman.
535
00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:15,434
You know you want it.
536
00:20:15,467 --> 00:20:16,968
You're better than that,
Duckman.
537
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:17,968
He's trying to kill you.
538
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,167
Please. You're my friend.
539
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,434
I need you, I... love... you.
540
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:24,234
(whimpering)
541
00:20:26,868 --> 00:20:27,801
(glass breaks)
542
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:30,467
(gasping excitedly)
543
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:32,400
(heart beating faster)
544
00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:34,133
(laughing excitedly)
545
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:35,133
(gasping groan)
546
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,601
(heart stops)
547
00:20:38,868 --> 00:20:39,501
Damn you!
548
00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:40,267
Damn you!
549
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:41,000
Damn you!
550
00:20:42,434 --> 00:20:44,601
I win! I win!
551
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:47,834
But more importantly,
you lose! You lose!
552
00:20:49,334 --> 00:20:51,634
Say, He-man! How's about
we blow this testicle stand
553
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,267
and head to another
place I know?
554
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:57,100
Togo A-Go-Go-- them
Bantu broads sure
know how to shimmy.
555
00:20:57,133 --> 00:20:58,100
What?
556
00:20:58,133 --> 00:20:59,100
You're back?
557
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,100
You're alive?
558
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:01,334
You're... you're...
559
00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:02,834
indestructible!
560
00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:03,901
Guess all I needed
561
00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:05,100
was that little
catnap-slash-coma
562
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:06,300
back there to flip over
the circuit breakers
563
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:08,234
and now I'm ready
for more, more, more!
564
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:12,567
No! No! No!!
565
00:21:12,601 --> 00:21:14,567
(crying hysterically)
566
00:21:14,601 --> 00:21:16,000
CORNFED:
Good going, Duckman.
567
00:21:16,033 --> 00:21:17,701
Pretending
you wanted more
568
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:19,501
of his self-destructive,
decadent lifestyle
569
00:21:19,534 --> 00:21:22,434
was the only way to
get Elliott out of
your life forever.
570
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:25,467
Congratulations
on a brilliant plan.
571
00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:26,634
Plan?
572
00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:30,734
CORNFED:
Let's go home, Duckman.
573
00:21:31,767 --> 00:21:33,100
Uh, Corny...
574
00:21:33,133 --> 00:21:35,033
what happened
back there...
575
00:21:35,067 --> 00:21:36,601
it, uh...
576
00:21:36,634 --> 00:21:39,400
I-I tried. Uh...
577
00:21:39,434 --> 00:21:40,801
Thanks, Corny.
578
00:21:40,834 --> 00:21:42,801
That's what friends
are for, Duckman.
579
00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:45,000
That's what friends
are for.
580
00:22:35,133 --> 00:22:37,534
DUCKMAN:
Ugh! Damn ringworms.
40606
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