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1
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,934
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:10,968 --> 00:00:14,033
(cars honking outside)
3
00:00:14,067 --> 00:00:15,934
Gasp.
4
00:00:15,968 --> 00:00:17,334
Excuse my uncharacteristic,
5
00:00:17,367 --> 00:00:19,033
near-dementia level
of excitement,
6
00:00:19,067 --> 00:00:21,467
but I seem to have solved
the FitzWalter case.
7
00:00:21,501 --> 00:00:24,067
I proved that his wife
is part of a sinister conspiracy
8
00:00:24,100 --> 00:00:25,467
involving the
international arms trade,
9
00:00:25,501 --> 00:00:27,100
a renegade band
of Cuban drug runners
10
00:00:27,133 --> 00:00:29,434
and three members of the cast
of Friends.
11
00:00:29,467 --> 00:00:30,567
Corny, what's a three-letter
word
12
00:00:30,601 --> 00:00:32,267
meaning "opposite of night"?
13
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:33,601
Oy.
14
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,267
Hmm. Two Y's?
15
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:38,501
Mr. Duckman,
the IRS called again,
16
00:00:38,534 --> 00:00:41,400
and in the interest
of full disclosure,
17
00:00:41,434 --> 00:00:43,834
we've collected
all your receipts
18
00:00:43,868 --> 00:00:45,601
for the past 15 years.
19
00:00:45,634 --> 00:00:48,501
We're not sure
it's deductible.
20
00:00:48,534 --> 00:00:49,501
Should we
21
00:00:49,534 --> 00:00:50,601
send it anyway?
22
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:51,868
Oh, why, certainly.
23
00:00:51,901 --> 00:00:52,868
Being open and honest
24
00:00:52,901 --> 00:00:54,300
with government agencies
25
00:00:54,334 --> 00:00:56,467
that want to put me in prison
for the rest of my life
26
00:00:56,501 --> 00:00:57,767
is one of my passions.
27
00:00:57,801 --> 00:01:00,534
Why don't you fax it
to them-- in person!
28
00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:01,434
(both screaming)
29
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:05,267
(screaming)
30
00:01:10,901 --> 00:01:13,167
(muffled screaming)
31
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,501
Now, where was I?
32
00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:16,868
"Two-letter word
that's a common greeting."
33
00:01:16,901 --> 00:01:20,000
BERNICE:
Prepare to die,
you pus-colored canker sore
34
00:01:20,033 --> 00:01:21,567
on the mouth of humanity!
35
00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:22,667
Hmm, too many letters.
36
00:01:22,701 --> 00:01:23,734
Whoa!
37
00:01:23,767 --> 00:01:25,367
This is your son,
Duckman.
38
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,601
Please, it's depressing enough
that we're related.
39
00:01:28,634 --> 00:01:31,033
He's deeply unhappy
and you know why?
40
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,267
Okay, so I should
have asked
41
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,767
before selling
his rabbits
for testing,
42
00:01:33,801 --> 00:01:36,334
but, damn it,
mascara makers
got to live, too.
43
00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:37,667
Tell him.
44
00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:40,667
I'm unhappy because
deconstructionism has lost much
45
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:45,467
of its moral force as a
technique in literary analysis.
46
00:01:45,501 --> 00:01:50,100
Also because Dad won't play
in the father/son picnic games.
47
00:01:50,133 --> 00:01:51,100
See?!
48
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:52,200
Well, as it happens,
49
00:01:52,234 --> 00:01:53,868
I've been lusting
for the chance
50
00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:55,701
to bond with my son
by passing him
51
00:01:55,734 --> 00:01:56,934
an orange with my neck,
52
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:58,300
but Corny and I are
in the middle
53
00:01:58,334 --> 00:01:59,634
of a very important case.
54
00:01:59,667 --> 00:02:02,100
(sobbing):
Please leave.
55
00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:03,501
(snorts):
I'll do anything.
56
00:02:03,534 --> 00:02:05,000
Please, just go.
57
00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:08,100
Get out. Get out, please!
58
00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:09,467
(shuddering)
59
00:02:09,501 --> 00:02:10,501
Male menopause.
60
00:02:10,534 --> 00:02:12,000
Good news, son!
61
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:13,501
A small block of time
just opened up,
62
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:14,601
and I want you to know
63
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,434
that aside from other things
I'd rather do,
64
00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:19,801
there's nothing I'd rather do
than spend that time with you.
65
00:02:19,834 --> 00:02:21,100
(car engine revving)
66
00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:29,133
Look at that weaselly
psychiatrist Stein.
67
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:30,334
He thinks he's so hot
68
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,501
just 'cause his son
can bend his knees
69
00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:34,100
and breathe at the same time.
70
00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:35,167
I'll show him.
71
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,334
Practicing for
the picnic games, huh?
72
00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:39,267
Well, my boy Ajax
is such a jock,
73
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:41,667
he's already been indicted
for gambling.
74
00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:43,734
I'm sure he's
very talented.
75
00:02:43,767 --> 00:02:45,200
You saying Ajax
is a klutz?
76
00:02:45,234 --> 00:02:47,167
A clod? A mud-hugger?
An elbow-eater?
77
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,167
A blinking bumbling boob who'll
make a fool out of himself
78
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,901
and more important-- me,
every time he tries
to move a muscle--
79
00:02:51,934 --> 00:02:53,000
assuming he has one?
80
00:02:53,033 --> 00:02:54,767
Well, a hundred says
me and my kid
81
00:02:54,801 --> 00:02:56,667
will clobber you
and your kid in the games.
82
00:02:56,701 --> 00:02:57,667
Mr. Duckman...
83
00:02:57,701 --> 00:02:59,133
You calling me cheap?
84
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:00,133
Two hundred.
85
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:01,734
I have no
desire to bet.
86
00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:03,400
That's it! 500 and the deed
to my house.
87
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:04,767
Well, not my house,
88
00:03:04,801 --> 00:03:06,234
it's my wife's house,
only she's dead,
89
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:07,567
and she gave it to Bernice,
90
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:09,767
but I pay rent on it--
or at least I did once or twice.
91
00:03:09,801 --> 00:03:12,234
Okay, once.
Okay, the check bounced.
92
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:13,868
Okay, forget the deed
to the house.
93
00:03:13,901 --> 00:03:15,334
Make it 550.
94
00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:23,067
How did he do that?
95
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,634
Damn shrinks
and their mind games.
96
00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:29,067
Ajax, son, do you have any
athletic ability at all?
97
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:32,367
Sometimes, late at night,
I can smell my intestines.
98
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:33,467
Is that an event?
99
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,100
Exhibition only
this year.
100
00:03:35,133 --> 00:03:36,100
Damn.
101
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,100
(school bell ringing)
102
00:03:39,901 --> 00:03:41,834
(kids chattering)
103
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:45,801
Excuse me.
104
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,634
Do I sit anywhere?
105
00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:49,767
This section is reserved
for people
106
00:03:49,801 --> 00:03:51,000
with just one name.
107
00:03:51,033 --> 00:03:52,000
I'm Ajax.
108
00:03:52,033 --> 00:03:52,901
Coolio.
109
00:03:52,934 --> 00:03:54,033
Have a seat.
110
00:03:56,133 --> 00:03:57,901
Excuse me, Coolio,
111
00:03:57,934 --> 00:03:59,434
but I couldn't
help noticing
112
00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:01,968
that you look a lot older
than the other students.
113
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,367
Are you really stupid?
114
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,634
Actually, I'm a fabulously
wealthy recording artist
115
00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,501
who's sold over
two million albums
116
00:04:07,534 --> 00:04:08,834
and had two #1 singles.
117
00:04:08,868 --> 00:04:10,534
Oh. I'm really stupid.
118
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:12,801
Didn't you go
to high school?
119
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:15,000
Valedictorian,
but I don't have a diploma.
120
00:04:15,033 --> 00:04:15,934
Why not?
121
00:04:15,968 --> 00:04:17,567
Lost it. Moved a lot.
122
00:04:17,601 --> 00:04:18,701
So it's been a while
123
00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:20,400
since you were
in high school.
124
00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:22,200
You know, I'm kind
of an expert.
125
00:04:22,234 --> 00:04:24,000
It's my third year
in this grade
126
00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:26,067
so maybe I can give you
some advice.
127
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,534
Always remember:
It's not raise your hand
128
00:04:28,567 --> 00:04:30,334
before going to the bathroom.
129
00:04:30,367 --> 00:04:33,701
It's raise your hand, walk
to the area with the toilets
130
00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:35,267
then go to the bathroom.
131
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:38,067
Got it. When's recess?
132
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:41,367
(chattering)
133
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:42,734
Yeah, Manny.
134
00:04:42,767 --> 00:04:44,133
Oh, I'm fine.
135
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:47,033
Look, I got to ask you to cancel
the concert tonight.
136
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:48,601
I have homework.
137
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:54,567
Okay. Now, how do I tell him?
138
00:04:54,601 --> 00:04:57,601
It's got to be done delicately,
with sensitivity...
139
00:04:57,634 --> 00:05:00,567
"Son, how you drop out
of the games is up to you--
140
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,901
"crippling injury,
communicable disease--
141
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:06,133
whatever makes you happy,
just so you're home Sunday."
142
00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:07,100
Ajax!
143
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,200
Hi.
144
00:05:10,234 --> 00:05:11,634
"Hi," that's it!
145
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,000
Damn, I'm good.
146
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:18,601
Look out.
147
00:05:18,634 --> 00:05:21,367
That girl's going to get hit.
148
00:05:26,834 --> 00:05:29,634
(crowd cheering)
149
00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:31,767
He saved her life.
150
00:05:31,801 --> 00:05:33,667
She could have been killed.
151
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:37,567
I wonder if he's that fast
in a gunnysack.
152
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:43,734
Mr. Duckman, if you're here
about placing your kids
153
00:05:43,767 --> 00:05:46,901
in an orphanage again,
we can't help you.
154
00:05:46,934 --> 00:05:48,801
Your sister-in-law
won't allow it.
155
00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:50,734
Oh, yes, my sister-in-law
156
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,133
always has the boys'
best interests in mind,
157
00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:55,200
especially when she's
parading around in front of them
158
00:05:55,234 --> 00:05:57,467
stinking drunk with nothing on
but the radio,
159
00:05:57,501 --> 00:05:58,634
but I digress,
160
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:00,667
for today I've come
about another matter.
161
00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:04,000
You see, I want
to adopt a child.
162
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,334
No, not really a child,
a... a man,
163
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,234
and to make your
minimum-wage job even easier,
164
00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:11,234
I know exactly which man
I want to adopt--
165
00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:14,067
the mega-popular
singing superstar Coolio.
166
00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:16,100
Now, while his parents
still being alive
167
00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:18,167
might present a few,
you know, problemos,
168
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,934
I'm not above
a little snip-snip
169
00:06:19,968 --> 00:06:23,701
to the old brake lines,
if you dig my lingo.
170
00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:25,400
(yells)
171
00:06:26,901 --> 00:06:30,167
Wow! They really do make it
difficult to adopt these days.
172
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,968
Well, now what am I
supposed to do?
173
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,567
Those picnic games
are three days away,
174
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:35,901
and I'm stuck with a son who's
got the motor skills of a mummy
175
00:06:35,934 --> 00:06:37,667
and to make things worse,
there's that damned bet.
176
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:41,334
Everywhere I go, the specter
of that diabolical Dr. Stein
177
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,033
follows me,
laughing, laughing...
178
00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:44,067
Ha ha.
179
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,234
My plan is
working perfectly
180
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:47,667
for you are my puppet
181
00:06:47,701 --> 00:06:49,300
and I,
the puppet master.
182
00:06:49,334 --> 00:06:50,934
Ha ha.
183
00:06:50,968 --> 00:06:53,067
No! Stop! Get out
of my head, Stein!
184
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:54,334
Nobody calls me a puppet
185
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:56,434
except my actual
puppet master, capisce?
186
00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:57,901
Oh, my.
187
00:06:57,934 --> 00:06:59,934
You can't sit
out here and swat
188
00:06:59,968 --> 00:07:02,400
at imaginary
thought balloons all day.
189
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:04,667
Here. If you want
to gain custody
190
00:07:04,701 --> 00:07:06,133
of a full-grown adult,
191
00:07:06,167 --> 00:07:08,434
just get him
to sign this waiver.
192
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:11,868
(Duckman sobbing loudly)
193
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:13,868
(sniffling)
194
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:18,000
Hey, cheer up,
mister.
195
00:07:18,033 --> 00:07:19,334
Like my grandma
used to say:
196
00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:20,734
"When life gives
you lemons,
197
00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:21,901
make lemonade."
198
00:07:21,934 --> 00:07:24,367
She sounds like she was
a wonderful woman.
199
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,934
You must
miss her terribly.
200
00:07:25,968 --> 00:07:27,934
Not at all. She lives
just a few blocks...
201
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:30,567
Oh, why must those
we love die?!
202
00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:33,634
Why must they
leave us so alone?
203
00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:35,734
Wait. You're Ajax's
father, aren't you?
204
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:36,834
You're not alone.
205
00:07:36,868 --> 00:07:39,000
But I have so much
love to share,
206
00:07:39,033 --> 00:07:40,601
too much for one son.
207
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:42,934
Ajax says he's got
two brothers.
208
00:07:42,968 --> 00:07:45,868
One, three-- you can't
reduce this to numbers.
209
00:07:45,901 --> 00:07:48,567
There's no room for your
famous Vulcan logic in this.
210
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:51,434
This is about something
you feel here!
211
00:07:51,467 --> 00:07:53,133
What is this, cashmere?
212
00:07:53,167 --> 00:07:55,200
So much love to give!
213
00:07:55,234 --> 00:07:57,567
If loving fatherhood
is a crime,
214
00:07:57,601 --> 00:08:00,934
then I'm guilty
with special circumstances.
215
00:08:00,968 --> 00:08:02,467
Ajax is a really
sweet kid.
216
00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:03,801
You must be
a great father.
217
00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:06,067
If only I could
find someone,
218
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:08,834
someone who needs a father
like me in his life,
219
00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:10,834
who needs love
and companionship.
220
00:08:10,868 --> 00:08:12,400
But who? Who?
221
00:08:12,434 --> 00:08:14,434
Well... there are orphans.
222
00:08:14,467 --> 00:08:15,634
You?
223
00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:16,634
Why, that's crazy.
224
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,033
You already
have parents.
225
00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:20,000
Still, it might work.
I mean, you're right.
226
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,734
It would be
no disrespect to them
227
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,234
to make this humble heart
of mine sing once more,
228
00:08:24,267 --> 00:08:25,567
to give my life new meaning
229
00:08:25,601 --> 00:08:26,734
by allowing me to spread
230
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,400
just a little more love
in this world
231
00:08:28,434 --> 00:08:30,634
to sign this bothersome,
yet necessary, legal form
232
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:32,667
that will indemnify me
from all lawsuits
233
00:08:32,701 --> 00:08:34,601
in the event of death
or injury while in my care,
234
00:08:34,634 --> 00:08:37,367
or I could use it
to write my farewell note.
235
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,968
No, no, no, no!
Please, please.
236
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:39,968
I'll sign.
237
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,400
Oh, bless you!
Bless you!
238
00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:43,501
You don't know
how hap-- and there--
239
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,901
how happy this--
and initial here--
240
00:08:45,934 --> 00:08:47,501
how my life
has been--
241
00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:49,033
press hard; you're
making three copies--
242
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:50,701
...made complete!
243
00:08:50,734 --> 00:08:52,200
Here you go, Mr. Duckman.
244
00:08:52,234 --> 00:08:53,267
Please.
245
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,868
Call me "Da-da."
246
00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:58,334
(door opening)
247
00:08:58,367 --> 00:09:00,167
Guess who's coming
to dinner?
248
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,367
(gasps)
249
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,400
It's C-C-C-C...
250
00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:06,801
C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C...
251
00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:08,300
CHARLES:
Before you swallow
your tongue,
252
00:09:08,334 --> 00:09:10,033
Aunt Bernice,
we'll say it for you.
253
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:12,734
It's...
The guy from my class
who's not stupid.
254
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:15,100
Otherwise known
as Coolio,
255
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:16,701
and for reasons
known only to me
256
00:09:16,734 --> 00:09:17,701
and the good Lord above,
257
00:09:17,734 --> 00:09:19,634
he's agreed
to become my new son.
258
00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:21,334
Coolio will be
living here?
259
00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:23,000
My be-all
and end-all?
260
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:25,100
My alpha and omega?
(straining)
261
00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:27,334
A man whose
streetwise scowl
262
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,734
hides a heart
with more gold
263
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,767
than there is
in his posse's teeth?
264
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,200
Whatever you need,
whether it's fast money,
265
00:09:34,234 --> 00:09:35,767
loose chicks
or theological discourse,
266
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:37,767
you come straight to your
dear old ducky Dad.
267
00:09:37,801 --> 00:09:40,167
He's so cute!
268
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:43,868
Strap on the feed bag, my boy.
269
00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:45,167
You'll need your strength
270
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,868
when Ajax and I start
training tomorrow morning.
271
00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:50,033
Um, Dad, why will
baby brother Coolio
272
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,701
need his strength
when you and I
are training?
273
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:54,868
Coolio will train
with you, pushing you on
274
00:09:54,901 --> 00:09:56,501
to greater
and greater heights
275
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:57,901
by strictly
coincidentally
276
00:09:57,934 --> 00:09:59,567
practicing
the very same games
277
00:09:59,601 --> 00:10:00,868
that you'll be practicing.
278
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:01,901
(grunts)
279
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,000
I think my lung
just collapsed.
280
00:10:04,033 --> 00:10:05,200
If it's all right,
281
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:07,634
I'll be lying prostrate
in my room.
282
00:10:07,667 --> 00:10:09,067
Oh, right...
your room.
283
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:10,801
Uh, Coolio has
taken it over
284
00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:11,934
but don't worry.
285
00:10:11,968 --> 00:10:14,367
I moved your stuff
to the biggest room
286
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,767
of them all--
God's bedroom.
287
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:17,701
Better get
out there, son.
288
00:10:17,734 --> 00:10:19,334
I think I saw
a couple of chipmunks
289
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:20,701
doing it inside
your pillow case.
290
00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:22,667
Thanks, Dad.
291
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:27,634
If you'd like, you could
stay in my bedroom.
292
00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:30,067
Uh-uh, sonny boy.
293
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,100
That way lies madness.
294
00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:32,701
We got us
some bonding to do,
295
00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:35,133
and this time, I won't
even use any epoxy.
296
00:10:39,367 --> 00:10:42,234
Hey, Dad, I can't wait
for the games tomorrow.
297
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:44,901
I've been practicing
the sack race all morning.
298
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:46,434
Watch.
299
00:10:47,534 --> 00:10:49,934
Ow... ow...
300
00:10:49,968 --> 00:10:52,033
Ajax, I've got some bad news.
301
00:10:52,067 --> 00:10:53,834
Well, bad for you,
good for me.
302
00:10:53,868 --> 00:10:56,334
Ajax, after pretending to give
this a great deal of thought,
303
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:58,901
I've decided to choose Coolio
for my partner in the games.
304
00:10:58,934 --> 00:11:00,033
(gasping)
305
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:01,400
No, no,
before you
say anything,
306
00:11:01,434 --> 00:11:02,601
let me just assure you,
307
00:11:02,634 --> 00:11:04,467
my original plan was
to think of some incredible lie
308
00:11:04,501 --> 00:11:05,534
to let you down easy
309
00:11:05,567 --> 00:11:06,701
but I decided
that would be insulting
310
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,300
to you and not worthy
of our relationship,
311
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,467
and the only thing
I could come up with
312
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:11,634
involved the space shuttle
and an escaped monkey.
313
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:13,634
So, aren't you glad
I told you the truth?
314
00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,601
No.
315
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,200
Just consider it another one
of life's painful lessons, son.
316
00:11:18,234 --> 00:11:19,968
Whoever said, "It doesn't
matter if you win or lose"
317
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,534
must have been riding
in the back of the loser bus
318
00:11:21,567 --> 00:11:22,868
covered in human filth.
319
00:11:22,901 --> 00:11:25,534
Yeah, well, maybe we can do
the Christmas thing together
320
00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:27,501
unless, of course,
I'm too hung over.
321
00:11:27,534 --> 00:11:29,133
(Duckman
whistling)
(sniffling)
322
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:32,767
But I wanted to be your partner.
323
00:11:39,334 --> 00:11:41,267
(trumpet playing "Reveille")
324
00:11:45,567 --> 00:11:46,501
(claps)
325
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:50,868
Up and at 'em, Coolio!
326
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:53,534
I've whipped up a high-energy
breakfast of popovers for you--
327
00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:55,167
each pastry
individually injected
328
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:56,634
with my own special steroi...
329
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:58,300
uh, protein supplement.
330
00:11:58,334 --> 00:12:00,234
Okay, joke's over.
331
00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:01,634
Hup, two, three!
332
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,400
Speak to me, Coolio!
Speak!
333
00:12:03,434 --> 00:12:05,033
You're too young to die!
334
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:08,300
Duckman, that's obviously
just a crude dummy of Coolio.
335
00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:11,033
I was wondering why he had
a note pinned to his head.
336
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:13,167
"Dear Duckman, I have enjoyed
staying with you
337
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,634
"and being your adopted son,
338
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:17,200
but the time has come to go.
Love, Coo."
339
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:19,934
Hey, it's smudged!
We'll never know who wrote this.
340
00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:22,033
I'll go out on a limb
and guess Coolio.
341
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,367
He's run away from home.
342
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,200
But he can't!
Today's the big day!
343
00:12:25,234 --> 00:12:27,601
Luckily, my razor-sharp
detective instincts
344
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:29,601
tell me exactly where to look.
345
00:12:29,634 --> 00:12:31,033
Coolio?!
346
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,801
Coolio?!
347
00:12:36,834 --> 00:12:38,634
(flies buzzing)
348
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:40,000
I'd better not
find out
349
00:12:40,033 --> 00:12:42,167
you're behind Coolio's
disappearance, Stein.
350
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,400
I bet a lowlife like you'd do
anything to win.
351
00:12:44,434 --> 00:12:46,834
Yeah, not that I'm actually
making a second bet there.
352
00:12:46,868 --> 00:12:49,334
Mr. Duckman,
how can I make this clear?
353
00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:50,868
I never made a bet.
354
00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:53,834
I never intended to accept
any money from you.
355
00:12:53,868 --> 00:12:55,200
'Cause you think
I'm a welsher?!
356
00:12:55,234 --> 00:12:57,400
That's it, Stein,
I'm doubling our bet!
357
00:12:57,434 --> 00:12:58,901
(both sighing)
358
00:13:00,234 --> 00:13:02,300
Yuck, it's like he's
inside my head.
359
00:13:02,334 --> 00:13:03,901
Get out. Get out.
360
00:13:03,934 --> 00:13:06,501
Okay. To find Coolio,
we're gonna have to
361
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,167
use this doodad
I just mail-ordered.
362
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,534
It's your basic
spectromographic fluxoscope.
363
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:12,734
It hones into Coolio's
electromagnetic frequency
364
00:13:12,767 --> 00:13:14,367
and leads us straight to him.
365
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,701
Observe.
366
00:13:15,734 --> 00:13:16,834
(explosion)
367
00:13:16,868 --> 00:13:18,167
(screams)
368
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,367
Perhaps we should use
more conventional methods
369
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,400
to find Coolio.
370
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,667
You're right.
371
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:24,701
Look, the fluxoscope
burnt Stein's front lawn
372
00:13:24,734 --> 00:13:27,334
in the shape of Ernest Hemingway
having sex with a squid.
373
00:13:27,367 --> 00:13:29,367
Assuming Ernest Hemingway
stands for "Coo"
374
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,868
and squid stands for "lio",
375
00:13:30,901 --> 00:13:32,734
I think we've got
our first lead.
376
00:13:32,767 --> 00:13:34,267
Duckman, your efforts
are admirable.
377
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,267
Assuming "admirable"
stands for "ludicrous."
378
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:39,000
But perhaps it would be easier
to just go to Coolio's mansion.
379
00:13:39,033 --> 00:13:40,767
It's only five minutes away.
380
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:42,701
(laughing)
381
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:44,501
Just go to
his mansion?
382
00:13:44,534 --> 00:13:46,000
Oh, yeah, sure.
383
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:49,067
We'll just go
to his mansion.
384
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,300
We'll walk over
to where he lives
385
00:13:51,334 --> 00:13:53,334
because it's
easier to do that
386
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:57,234
than a bunch of things
that'll just waste our time.
387
00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:58,567
Here we go.
388
00:13:58,601 --> 00:14:01,234
We're walking
to his mansion.
389
00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:04,334
Oh, this is much easier.
390
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:06,834
Here we are--
ringing his doorbell.
391
00:14:06,868 --> 00:14:08,501
(doorbell chimes)
Oh, great plan.
392
00:14:08,534 --> 00:14:10,834
I guess
he'll just answer.
393
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:13,667
I was expecting you,
Duckman.
394
00:14:13,701 --> 00:14:15,067
A little sooner, though,
395
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:17,167
given the detective skills
you bragged about.
396
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,634
Traffic... you know.
397
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:22,734
Look, Coolio, son, I'm assuming
you just came back here
398
00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:24,234
to pick up some magical sneakers
or something,
399
00:14:24,267 --> 00:14:26,767
so why don't I just go wait for
you in the car, and you just...
400
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:30,167
Duckman, I can't compete in the
father/son games with you today.
401
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,501
What?! Why not?!
402
00:14:31,534 --> 00:14:32,868
Because it's not right.
403
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:34,601
I left because
you have a real son
404
00:14:34,634 --> 00:14:35,968
who wants to be with you,
405
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,501
and because I wasn't feeling
safe anymore around Bernice.
406
00:14:38,534 --> 00:14:40,334
But you agree to be my son.
407
00:14:40,367 --> 00:14:41,834
What about the
long-term commitment
408
00:14:41,868 --> 00:14:43,033
we've made to each other?
409
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:44,734
Damn it, I bought you
a Speak & Spell!
410
00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:47,501
I said I'd be your son
because I wanted to help you.
411
00:14:47,534 --> 00:14:49,234
You seemed desperate for love.
412
00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:50,834
Well, at least desperate.
413
00:14:50,868 --> 00:14:53,400
Duckman, sporting events
aren't about winning.
414
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,501
They're about the love
of competition--
415
00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:58,501
the bond created between people
trying their hardest--
416
00:14:58,534 --> 00:15:00,467
the brotherhood
of all who follow
417
00:15:00,501 --> 00:15:03,734
in one of civilization's oldest
and noblest traditions.
418
00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:05,801
Uh-huh. What do
you want?
10, 20?
419
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:07,000
Come on, work
with me, kid.
420
00:15:07,033 --> 00:15:08,934
Duckman, if you win
the games with me,
421
00:15:08,968 --> 00:15:10,334
it's no victory at all.
422
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:11,934
Man, that's wack!
423
00:15:11,968 --> 00:15:13,000
Sorry?
424
00:15:13,033 --> 00:15:14,901
"Wack." You know, "weak."
425
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:19,267
Anyway,
do the right thing, Duckman.
426
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:20,868
Enter the games with Ajax.
427
00:15:20,901 --> 00:15:22,601
Coolio is right,
Duckman.
428
00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:25,067
This was Ajax's chance
to connect with you,
429
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:27,534
and he doesn't get
many chances.
430
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:29,267
M-Maybe you're right.
431
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:30,868
Maybe I do owe it
to the kid.
432
00:15:30,901 --> 00:15:32,434
He doesn't ask for much--
433
00:15:32,467 --> 00:15:34,300
just directions to the kitchen
every morning.
434
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,133
He is a good boy.
435
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:37,467
But you're not!
436
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:38,701
You're out of my will, Coolio!
437
00:15:38,734 --> 00:15:41,701
And you're grounded
for two weeks!
438
00:15:41,734 --> 00:15:44,667
Believe it or not,
he's getting better.
439
00:15:44,701 --> 00:15:47,501
(squirrel squeaking)
440
00:15:47,534 --> 00:15:48,801
You're doing well.
441
00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:51,234
I think we have a chance
to win today.
442
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:52,434
Hello, son.
443
00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:53,601
Hello.
444
00:15:53,634 --> 00:15:55,667
I'm proud of your efforts, son.
445
00:15:55,701 --> 00:15:58,934
Tomorrow we are sure to win
the pie-eating contest.
446
00:15:58,968 --> 00:16:02,200
Oh, how we will consume
the mighty boysenberry.
447
00:16:02,234 --> 00:16:04,334
Ajax, I've got something
serious to talk about.
448
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:05,567
Me love squirrel.
449
00:16:05,601 --> 00:16:06,834
Ajax...
Squirrely...
450
00:16:06,868 --> 00:16:08,100
Ajax!
Squirrely...
451
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:12,133
Ajax, listen.
For the past few days,
452
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:13,901
a man has been staying
in our house.
453
00:16:13,934 --> 00:16:15,234
I... I don't know
if you noticed him.
454
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:17,367
(squirrel thudding)
Huh, I thought they flew.
455
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,367
Anyhoo, what I'm
trying to say is, I...
456
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,934
I've failed you once again.
457
00:16:20,968 --> 00:16:22,901
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
458
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:25,534
This is like the, I don't know,
third time in your life now
459
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:26,534
that I've failed you.
460
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,133
Why do I keep doing this?
461
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:30,434
Maybe it's because
once... long ago,
462
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,634
somebody's father
let down his son.
463
00:16:32,667 --> 00:16:34,767
And that boy's never
gotten over it.
464
00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:37,767
I never knew that
happened to you.
465
00:16:37,801 --> 00:16:39,701
Well, it might have been
a Sanford and Son.
466
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:41,033
The point is, Ajax,
467
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,367
I want to enter
the games with you.
468
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,434
You and me together.
For better or worse.
469
00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:46,267
What do you say, son?
Are you in?
470
00:16:47,834 --> 00:16:49,367
I'm in, Dad.
471
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:50,634
That's my boy!
472
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:52,467
Now, quick, we only have
a few minutes
473
00:16:52,501 --> 00:16:53,801
before the games start.
474
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:56,100
Better stretch out a little.
Here, like this.
475
00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:58,300
(Bones creaking)
476
00:16:58,334 --> 00:17:00,100
Okay.
We're stretched.
477
00:17:08,501 --> 00:17:09,434
(snarls)
478
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:15,567
(crowd cheering)
479
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,000
(blows whistle)
480
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,434
(gulps)
481
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,434
(burps)
482
00:17:25,467 --> 00:17:28,767
(crowd cheering)
483
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:33,067
(whistle blows)
484
00:17:35,501 --> 00:17:37,234
(screams)
485
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:38,634
(yelping)
486
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:41,968
Ah! Ooh! Ooh!
Stop! Eh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ah! Ow! Ooh!
487
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,701
(crowd cheering)
488
00:17:54,601 --> 00:17:56,367
(whistle blows)
489
00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:03,033
(groans)
490
00:18:04,801 --> 00:18:06,968
(crowd cheering)
491
00:18:37,834 --> 00:18:41,834
(crowd cheering)
492
00:18:41,868 --> 00:18:44,701
The father/son picnic games
are officially over,
493
00:18:44,734 --> 00:18:47,667
and we can all be thankful
for that. Am I right?
494
00:18:47,701 --> 00:18:49,968
(crowd cheering)
495
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,467
I now present
this year's champions...
496
00:18:52,501 --> 00:18:54,467
Ben and Lionel Stein.
497
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,467
(crowd cheering)
498
00:18:57,501 --> 00:18:59,634
I am ecstatic.
499
00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:00,767
Ditto.
500
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,767
(crowd moans)
501
00:19:03,801 --> 00:19:04,968
(snickering)
502
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,133
The longer Stein's unconscious,
503
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:07,868
the longer until
I have to pay him.
504
00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:12,100
Let's now welcome our
most-improved competitor, Ajax.
505
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:13,400
(both gasp)
506
00:19:13,434 --> 00:19:15,601
(crowd applauding and cheering)
507
00:19:19,133 --> 00:19:20,801
I don't understand.
508
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:23,167
Dad and I finished
last in every game.
509
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,400
You shot 14 people
during the archery event.
510
00:19:26,434 --> 00:19:29,167
I'd say that's an improvement
over last year's 26.
511
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:30,501
Wouldn't you?
512
00:19:30,534 --> 00:19:32,367
(crowd cheering)
513
00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:36,467
And now to celebrate the
Olympian spirit displayed today
514
00:19:36,501 --> 00:19:37,868
and because plugging a song
515
00:19:37,901 --> 00:19:40,601
is the only reason pop idols
appear on a show like this
516
00:19:40,634 --> 00:19:45,033
let's welcome to the stage
the one, the only... Cujo!
517
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:47,300
(crowd cheering)
518
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:48,767
* Get on up
519
00:19:52,033 --> 00:19:53,834
* Get on up
520
00:19:57,834 --> 00:20:00,234
* Get on up
521
00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:04,367
* Get on up
522
00:20:07,868 --> 00:20:09,367
* Every ghetto
got a different name *
523
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,868
* But they all the same
524
00:20:10,901 --> 00:20:13,033
* So Coolio Loco
goin' put you up on game *
525
00:20:13,067 --> 00:20:14,868
* We got homeys
who sell straps *
526
00:20:14,901 --> 00:20:16,801
* Homeys who sell (bleep)
527
00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:19,167
* Homeys who sell the bomb
(bleep) Compton phat doves *
528
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,734
* Givin' the neighborhood
blood *
529
00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:22,667
* Buildings play
a substance hole for thieves *
530
00:20:22,701 --> 00:20:24,267
* Gangsters and thugs
531
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,400
* Scrappin' over
who-knows-what *
532
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,868
* The loudmouthed one
loc'd up *
533
00:20:27,901 --> 00:20:29,601
* In front of
the ice-cream truck *
534
00:20:29,634 --> 00:20:32,133
* And broke all her lee nails
while all the BGs bail *
535
00:20:32,167 --> 00:20:34,234
* The little homey
be getting out of camp *
536
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,868
* This time,
he might get stuck *
537
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,033
* Attempted 1-8-7
and he a minor won't cry *
538
00:20:38,067 --> 00:20:40,267
* So the D.A. wants him
tried as an adult *
539
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,501
* The big homey just had a son,
no jokin' *
540
00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,534
* I think his baby mama
is smokin' *
541
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:46,167
* 'Cause she's always broke *
542
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,634
* Old G's joinin' the nation
and it's all good *
543
00:20:48,667 --> 00:20:50,267
* BGs is retaliatin' *
544
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:52,534
* 'Cause the enemies
done crossed out the hood *
545
00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:54,868
* (bleep) mama smokin'
whole county checks *
546
00:20:54,901 --> 00:20:57,667
* (bleep) dealers who serve
nickel pieces for sex *
547
00:20:57,701 --> 00:20:59,467
* Be it wrong or right
548
00:20:59,501 --> 00:21:00,868
* Right, right *
549
00:21:00,901 --> 00:21:03,067
* These are the ghetto
highlights *
550
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:05,501
* Young's going to school
to be a doctor *
551
00:21:05,534 --> 00:21:08,534
* Late-night sounds of gunshots
and helicopters *
552
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:10,501
* Be it wrong or right
553
00:21:10,534 --> 00:21:11,868
* Right, right *
554
00:21:11,901 --> 00:21:13,734
* These are the ghetto
highlights *
555
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:15,367
* To all the mother (bleep)
556
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,200
* Who think they (bleep)
don't stink *
557
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,701
* Rollin' ODs and in the pen
for robbin' banks *
558
00:21:19,734 --> 00:21:21,667
* Be it wrong or right
559
00:21:21,701 --> 00:21:23,033
* Right, right *
560
00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:24,868
* These are the ghetto
highlights *
561
00:21:24,901 --> 00:21:26,901
* This is just a little
somethin' from a (bleep) *
562
00:21:26,934 --> 00:21:28,834
* That's still gonna be
a (bleep) *
563
00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:30,667
* If he don't get no bigger *
564
00:21:30,701 --> 00:21:32,534
* Be it wrong or right
565
00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:33,901
* Right, right *
566
00:21:33,934 --> 00:21:36,234
* These are the ghetto
highlights *
567
00:21:36,267 --> 00:21:37,901
* Get on up
568
00:21:41,868 --> 00:21:43,701
* Get on up
569
00:21:47,434 --> 00:21:49,300
* Get on up
570
00:21:52,934 --> 00:21:54,667
(fading out):
* Get on up...
571
00:22:34,968 --> 00:22:37,400
DUCKMAN:
Man, that's wack.
40578
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