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1
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,100
(whistles)
2
00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:38,801
I'm happy.
3
00:00:38,868 --> 00:00:41,634
Maybe it has to do
with getting fried last night
4
00:00:41,701 --> 00:00:44,067
and passing out with my hand
on my crotch
5
00:00:44,133 --> 00:00:46,000
watching some kind of fire
on TV.
6
00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:47,033
I think it was TV.
7
00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:49,133
It wasn't.
8
00:00:51,167 --> 00:00:54,234
Ah, well, life's an ever
unfolding blah-blah-blah.
9
00:00:54,300 --> 00:00:56,434
The point is,
I've had an epiphany.
10
00:00:56,501 --> 00:00:58,167
You mean
a sudden revelation
11
00:00:58,234 --> 00:01:00,100
about the essence
of existence?
12
00:01:00,167 --> 00:01:01,033
Oh, uh... no.
13
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,033
What's the word?
14
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:03,200
Colonic.
15
00:01:03,267 --> 00:01:05,534
This morning, I feel
refreshed, revitalized
16
00:01:05,601 --> 00:01:07,000
and reeking of happiness.
17
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,334
Now, I know what you'd say
if I let you say anything.
18
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,667
"Duckman, how can you feel good
19
00:01:10,734 --> 00:01:12,701
if you're not
making others miserable?"
20
00:01:15,434 --> 00:01:16,367
How shallow.
21
00:01:16,434 --> 00:01:17,868
If history teaches us anything,
22
00:01:17,934 --> 00:01:19,033
it's that our happiness
23
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:20,534
need not
cause others pain.
24
00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:21,534
(tiny screams)
25
00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:23,367
That, and never bet on a race
26
00:01:23,434 --> 00:01:26,267
if you can't remember
which horse you drugged.
27
00:01:26,334 --> 00:01:28,300
And now, to begin
my perfect day.
28
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:29,567
D'wah!
29
00:01:29,634 --> 00:01:31,067
My car's gone!
30
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,234
D'wah!
31
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,767
D'wah!
32
00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:36,167
D'wah.
33
00:01:36,234 --> 00:01:37,400
Street cleaning?
34
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:39,667
This is the same garbage
I dumped here a month ago.
35
00:01:39,734 --> 00:01:42,100
How come I have to spend
all that time and effort
36
00:01:42,167 --> 00:01:45,067
avoiding taxes for services
the city never gives me anyway?
37
00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:46,534
(yells)
38
00:01:47,634 --> 00:01:48,934
Talk about irony.
39
00:01:53,033 --> 00:01:54,801
Public transportation--
what a farce.
40
00:01:54,868 --> 00:01:57,434
No one rides except a bunch
of loud-mouthed vandals.
41
00:01:57,501 --> 00:01:58,834
Damn bus wouldn't even stop
42
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:00,300
till I screamed at the driver
43
00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:01,901
and spray-painted
the windshield.
44
00:02:01,968 --> 00:02:02,901
Duckman, we have
a client.
45
00:02:02,968 --> 00:02:03,934
What's it this time--
46
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,634
some rich broad
offering a reward
47
00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:08,367
for her diamond necklace
that's caught on her belt?
48
00:02:08,434 --> 00:02:09,701
Why, that's remarkable.
49
00:02:09,767 --> 00:02:11,567
I did lose
a diamond necklace
50
00:02:11,634 --> 00:02:12,901
and I'll pay $50,000
51
00:02:12,968 --> 00:02:14,634
to anyone who can find it.
52
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,300
Actually, it's
caught on your...
53
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:17,501
Hey, I'm a detective.
54
00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,767
I got better things to do
than try to solve
55
00:02:19,834 --> 00:02:22,601
wild-goose-chase impossible-
to-figure-out mysteries.
56
00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:25,834
Why don't you just see if you
can detect someone who cares?
57
00:02:25,901 --> 00:02:27,234
They towed my car, Corny!
58
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:30,067
And for no other reason
than it was illegally parked
59
00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:31,868
and had $1200
in unpaid tickets.
60
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:33,267
Also, you stole it.
61
00:02:33,334 --> 00:02:34,501
It was dark.
62
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:35,634
How was I supposed
to tell the difference
63
00:02:35,701 --> 00:02:36,901
between a parking lot
at the mall
64
00:02:36,968 --> 00:02:38,367
and a Mazda dealership?
65
00:02:38,434 --> 00:02:40,100
URANUS:
Ooh, look,
isn't that it?
66
00:02:40,167 --> 00:02:41,200
It's hanging
from your belt.
67
00:02:41,267 --> 00:02:42,267
I see it...
68
00:02:42,334 --> 00:02:43,834
Quiet! I can't
hear myself lie.
69
00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:45,901
They changed
the street cleaning hours!
70
00:02:45,968 --> 00:02:47,067
Can they do that?
71
00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:49,267
I mean, without some kind
of notification?
72
00:02:50,634 --> 00:02:51,701
What?
73
00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,968
What?
74
00:02:59,033 --> 00:03:00,300
Nothing.
75
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:02,133
You know, Duckman,
regulations like that
76
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,467
are made by
the city council.
77
00:03:03,534 --> 00:03:05,300
Maybe you should speak
to your representative.
78
00:03:05,367 --> 00:03:07,300
City council?
Representative?
79
00:03:07,367 --> 00:03:08,634
Until Esperanto comes back,
80
00:03:08,701 --> 00:03:10,701
you want to ease off
on the foreign mumbo-jumbo?
81
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,734
They're English words, Duckman.
82
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:16,100
Well, we don't live
in England, do we?
83
00:03:16,167 --> 00:03:19,367
The council is a body of men
and women who govern our city.
84
00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:21,701
Wait! Did you say
"women" and "body"?
85
00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:22,834
It's my fault.
86
00:03:22,901 --> 00:03:25,133
I was attempting
an actual conversation.
87
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,367
You could go tonight and speak
against the new regulations.
88
00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:29,901
Maybe I'll do that, Cornfed.
89
00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:33,000
Maybe I, Duckman, will strike
a blow for the common man.
90
00:03:33,067 --> 00:03:35,267
Maybe I, Duckman,
will prove that anyone--
91
00:03:35,334 --> 00:03:37,501
even I, Duckman--
can make a difference.
92
00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,868
Bikini Babe Battle
got canceled?
93
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:43,400
Those damn implant recalls
have devastated the sport.
94
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:46,534
MAN:
There's an evil cabalrunning this city!
95
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,901
A ruthless group
who loot our treasury
96
00:03:48,968 --> 00:03:52,868
to finance their goal of world
domination through pornography
97
00:03:52,934 --> 00:03:55,234
and the proof of this
is the proposal
98
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:57,868
that the intersection
of Beacon and Third
99
00:03:57,934 --> 00:03:59,734
have a 22-second walk cycle!
100
00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:02,868
And I want to know the names
of the unholy pagans
101
00:04:02,934 --> 00:04:06,667
who spent their nights making
offerings to their dark lord
102
00:04:06,734 --> 00:04:08,067
and their days voting
103
00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:10,501
for mandatory
feline distemper shots!
104
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:11,968
I've never heard such a bunch
105
00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:13,601
of penny-ante, dime-a-dozen,
two-bit half-wits
106
00:04:13,667 --> 00:04:15,334
exaggerating their enemies,
and bellyaching
107
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,000
over the tiniest, stupidest
personal problems.
108
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,267
It's your turn.
109
00:04:19,334 --> 00:04:22,200
I want to talk about
the most vicious, heartless,
110
00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:25,067
cold-blooded traitors
in the history of mankind
111
00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:28,400
and how they changed my block's
street-cleaning hours!
112
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:30,367
(whimpering)
113
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:32,868
I think it went pretty well.
114
00:04:32,934 --> 00:04:35,667
Still, in case none of them
awake from their comas,
115
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,767
you might want
to speak to the mayor.
116
00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:39,067
Nice notion, Pork-face.
117
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:40,067
Hey, May!
118
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,934
I live on North Phlegm Avenue--
119
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:42,901
'cept for
warrant-serving purposes,
120
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,567
in which case, I escaped
to the islands
121
00:04:44,634 --> 00:04:46,234
with Robert Vesco
in the mid-70s.
122
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:48,300
You're a politician.
You know the drill.
123
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:50,234
Anyhoo, I want street-cleaning
hours changed back
124
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:53,133
or I'll find out where you live
and hunt you down like a dog.
125
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,334
No offense.
126
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,267
That sounds like
a marvelous idea.
127
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:59,868
I'm going to give
it top priority.
128
00:04:59,934 --> 00:05:01,734
Well, that was easy.
129
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,968
That sounds like
a marvelous idea.
130
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:08,234
I'm going to give it
top priority.
131
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:13,667
Dad, you haven't moved
for a month.
132
00:05:13,734 --> 00:05:15,634
When the mayor
said she'd change
133
00:05:15,701 --> 00:05:17,501
the street-cleaning
hours back,
134
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,467
she didn't necessarily
mean during your lifetime.
135
00:05:19,534 --> 00:05:23,334
My elected representative
made me a promise.
136
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,234
Dad, I need a favor,
but it's a little awkward.
137
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,901
Go ahead, Ajax. You know
you can ask me anything.
138
00:05:28,968 --> 00:05:30,667
Could we brick you
into the wall,
139
00:05:30,734 --> 00:05:34,000
so we don't have to smell you
when we come in to watch TV?
140
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,000
Of course, son.
141
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,634
Just be sure
to brick up my faith
142
00:05:36,701 --> 00:05:38,734
in the democratic system
while you're at it.
143
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:40,534
A-okay, Dad.
144
00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:43,400
Hey, some workers from the city
145
00:05:43,467 --> 00:05:45,834
are out there
changing all the street signs.
146
00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:47,601
I knew it. I knew it!
147
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,067
Yes, yes.
148
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:52,767
Democracy in action.
149
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:55,901
"No standing,
12:00 A.M. To 12:00 P.M."
150
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:57,234
(clanging)
151
00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,968
D'wah!
152
00:06:00,033 --> 00:06:01,534
D'wah!
153
00:06:01,601 --> 00:06:03,033
D'wah!
154
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,501
D'wah.
155
00:06:09,868 --> 00:06:11,033
I was thrown
156
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,067
in the mildewed,
ferret-infested cell,
157
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:15,801
forced to survive on gravel soup
and rancid jujubes,
158
00:06:15,868 --> 00:06:19,434
beaten every half hour by blind,
east European circus clowns
159
00:06:19,501 --> 00:06:22,601
and brought to a public square
where I was put in stocks
160
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:25,601
and pelted with back issues
of U.S. News & World Report.
161
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:27,634
Duckman, you're supposed
to be telling us what happened
162
00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:29,267
after you got towed
by the city truck,
163
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:30,868
not showing slides
of your vacation.
164
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:32,400
Fine.
165
00:06:32,467 --> 00:06:34,601
We'll finish another time.
166
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:37,100
I'll tell you what
happened to me.
167
00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:41,534
I was treated
like a common criminal!
168
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,067
Like an animal!
169
00:06:43,133 --> 00:06:44,534
Like an ameba!
170
00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:47,534
Like a geological substrata!
171
00:06:47,601 --> 00:06:49,868
If it hadn't been
for the foot massage,
172
00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:51,734
I might not have stayed.
173
00:06:51,801 --> 00:06:53,734
What about me?
174
00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:55,667
They made fun of my clothes,
175
00:06:55,734 --> 00:06:58,100
then took photos
of my many abnormalities.
176
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:01,300
It was the most degrading
and humiliating experience
177
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:04,701
I've had since that medical exam
in the alien spaceship,
178
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:07,667
which, it turns out,
is not covered by Medicaid.
179
00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:11,868
As a psychiatrist, I found
the experience quite intriguing,
180
00:07:11,934 --> 00:07:13,934
because,
as a psychiatrist, I write
181
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,534
many psychiatric papers
which we psychia...
182
00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:17,767
Oh, shut up.
183
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:20,734
Citizens of North Phlegm,
are we so apathetic
184
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:23,067
that we let
a faceless bureaucracy
185
00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:25,400
treat our fellow neighbors
this way?
186
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:26,534
ALL:
Yes.
187
00:07:26,601 --> 00:07:27,734
Point taken.
188
00:07:27,801 --> 00:07:29,534
Still, at my request,
the mayor's office
189
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:31,567
has sent someone to
explain what happened.
190
00:07:31,634 --> 00:07:32,734
Yowza.
191
00:07:32,801 --> 00:07:35,000
The new street-cleaning
hours are a result
192
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,601
of lobbying by
your neighbors--
193
00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:38,734
the Dutch Elm Street
Block Association.
194
00:07:38,801 --> 00:07:40,467
Those magnificent bastards!
195
00:07:40,534 --> 00:07:42,234
Well, two can play
at that game.
196
00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:43,901
I say we do the same thing.
197
00:07:43,968 --> 00:07:44,968
I say we... uh...
198
00:07:45,033 --> 00:07:46,434
What did they do again?
199
00:07:46,501 --> 00:07:48,767
Organize a
block association
200
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:50,767
which can perform
many valuable functions
201
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:52,934
and be an important source
of civic pride.
202
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,534
We could plant trees,
spruce up lawns.
203
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,167
Improve lighting,
institute a crime watch.
204
00:07:58,234 --> 00:08:01,534
And destroy Dutch Elm Street!
205
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:04,467
(cheering)
206
00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:07,767
Neighbor fellows, is
it not, or is it is
207
00:08:07,834 --> 00:08:11,067
time to unite against
the common enemy?
208
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,901
ALL:
Duckman.
209
00:08:12,968 --> 00:08:14,801
No, in this case,
it's not Duckman.
210
00:08:14,868 --> 00:08:16,234
The Jews?
211
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,200
BOTH:
Dutch Elm Street.
212
00:08:18,267 --> 00:08:21,267
Yes, and to help us get started,
I've called upon an expert
213
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,067
on organizational structures--
214
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:24,968
a completely legitimate
businessman
215
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:27,400
who assures me
he's not a scam artist
216
00:08:27,467 --> 00:08:31,400
currently wanted in 18 states--
our own beloved Art Disalvo.
217
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,634
Thank you.
218
00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:38,901
As I travel around
this land of ours,
219
00:08:38,968 --> 00:08:42,334
one thought comes back to me
again and again.
220
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:46,000
These people are nuts!
221
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,601
To protect themselves
from their fellow Americans,
222
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:52,234
Americans use a wide range
of group structures.
223
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:54,701
Turn off the lights, Ajax.
224
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:56,634
My pleasure, Mr. Disalvo.
225
00:08:58,801 --> 00:08:59,734
That's okay.
226
00:08:59,801 --> 00:09:01,934
I forgot the slides.
227
00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:07,501
First, our economy plan--
the militia!
228
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:09,367
For this, all you need
is a bunch
229
00:09:09,434 --> 00:09:11,267
of unemployed white guys
230
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:13,968
and their weight
in unregistered firearms.
231
00:09:14,033 --> 00:09:17,667
Next! The skinhead.
232
00:09:17,734 --> 00:09:21,133
This is a militia
with a funky team beat.
233
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,701
There's no leaders,
but you must have
234
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:27,000
a kindergarten education
to participate.
235
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:31,334
Finally, our premium level--
the congress.
236
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,400
For this, you have
to live in luxury,
237
00:09:33,467 --> 00:09:36,467
write laws that benefit
your wealthiest contributors,
238
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,400
and steal
everything you can find
239
00:09:38,467 --> 00:09:39,567
till you're indicted.
240
00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:41,334
Gee, sounds
good to me.
241
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,434
(murmuring in agreement)
242
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:44,934
Excellent choice.
243
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,701
I'll be here after the meeting
244
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,734
to hand out
the information package
245
00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:50,000
and take your checks.
246
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,634
Just make them out to Cash.
247
00:09:51,701 --> 00:09:54,033
That's my maiden name.
248
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:55,300
Thank you, Art.
249
00:09:55,367 --> 00:09:58,667
The next order of business
is to elect a leader.
250
00:09:58,734 --> 00:10:02,734
I'd like it to be someone who
won't cause me physical pain.
251
00:10:02,801 --> 00:10:05,834
I think it should be someone
with a degree in psychiatry
252
00:10:05,901 --> 00:10:07,801
who's also a psychiatrist.
253
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:09,934
I propose it be someone
really stupid,
254
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,133
so that we could lull
Dutch Elm Street
255
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,100
into a false sense
of superiority.
256
00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:16,234
All in favor
of Duckman--
257
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,400
As a... psy...
258
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:22,868
an observer,
I question the choice
259
00:10:22,934 --> 00:10:25,300
of such
an obviously unbalanced...
260
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,467
Oh, what is the medical term?
261
00:10:27,534 --> 00:10:28,901
Moron.
262
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:32,534
What makes you qualified
to lead a block association?
263
00:10:32,601 --> 00:10:34,734
Well, I was president of a
South American country.
264
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:35,901
I stopped King Chicken
265
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,868
from de-evolving the
city into nothingness
266
00:10:37,934 --> 00:10:40,634
and I was worshipped as a god
by an alien civilization.
267
00:10:40,701 --> 00:10:42,968
Well, yeah.
That sounds good.
268
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:45,267
Okay. Get over to Dutch Elm
and tell them
269
00:10:45,334 --> 00:10:47,901
their days of ruthless
zoning changes are over
270
00:10:47,968 --> 00:10:51,334
because we now have a strong,
united block association
271
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,567
with a fearless,
hard-driving president.
272
00:10:53,634 --> 00:10:57,400
Now, you
mucus-covered pipe cleaner.
273
00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:58,634
(yells)
274
00:10:58,701 --> 00:10:59,767
(door slamming)
275
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:02,234
Snapple?
276
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:05,667
(funky jazz playing)
277
00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:09,167
(pastoral music playing)
278
00:11:09,234 --> 00:11:12,834
(warbling)
279
00:11:12,901 --> 00:11:15,334
Hmm, nice mailbox flags.
280
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:21,267
Mr. Duckman! I had
no idea you were coming.
281
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:24,067
I'm looking for someone
with the block association.
282
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:26,801
Tad Venom. You know,
I don't think our block
283
00:11:26,868 --> 00:11:29,133
has an association,
but please come in.
284
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,634
This meeting of the Dutch
Elm Street Block Association
285
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:33,901
will now come to...
286
00:11:33,968 --> 00:11:35,834
Kids' playroom--
no one's there now.
287
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:36,968
Say, congratulations
288
00:11:37,033 --> 00:11:39,200
on being elected
president of your block.
289
00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:40,434
How did you know?
290
00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:42,067
I didn't.
Not a clue.
291
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:43,934
Please, sit.
292
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,200
Not there.
293
00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:47,000
Springs are shot.
294
00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:48,167
Look, I'm here because...
295
00:11:48,234 --> 00:11:49,701
I'm sorry.
296
00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:51,701
May I interrupt
you for a moment?
297
00:11:51,767 --> 00:11:53,701
Thanks. Please go on.
298
00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:56,267
You...
Please, call me Tad.
Look, Mr. Duckman,
299
00:11:56,334 --> 00:11:58,868
I promise that we don't
have a block association
300
00:11:58,934 --> 00:12:00,100
and I'm not president.
301
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:02,434
No. "Promise" is the
wrong word. "Pretend."
302
00:12:02,501 --> 00:12:04,601
Can't thank you enough
for stopping by.
Please come back soon--
303
00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:07,267
though I will be out of town
for the next 30 years.
304
00:12:07,334 --> 00:12:08,367
I...
305
00:12:08,434 --> 00:12:09,567
Ooh, you silver-tongued devil.
306
00:12:09,634 --> 00:12:10,567
Bye.
307
00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:13,934
Well, I don't think
we'll be having
308
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,267
any more trouble from him.
309
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:21,334
(horns blaring)
310
00:12:26,601 --> 00:12:28,801
I can't believe it.
311
00:12:28,868 --> 00:12:31,367
Even after the tongue-lashing
I gave Venom,
312
00:12:31,434 --> 00:12:33,901
his block association got the
zoning changed on our street,
313
00:12:33,968 --> 00:12:36,167
so that their street wouldn't
have every truck in the city...
314
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,767
every super-charged
408 stock car in the city...
315
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,601
every cattle drive
in the city...
316
00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:48,234
(truck horn blares)
317
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,701
(brakes squealing)
318
00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:56,100
You realize, of course,
this means war.
319
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,634
Be seated.
320
00:13:14,701 --> 00:13:16,367
You are all North Phlegmers.
321
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:19,667
North Phlegmers love to win
and will not tolerate a loser.
322
00:13:19,734 --> 00:13:21,801
You're about to go on a mission
323
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:23,968
to take out Dutch Elm's
cable television.
324
00:13:24,033 --> 00:13:25,400
You may wonder
if you'll chicken out.
325
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:26,567
Don't worry.
326
00:13:26,634 --> 00:13:28,634
When you put your hand
into a bunch of goo
327
00:13:28,701 --> 00:13:31,467
that a moment before
was your wife's radicchio patch,
328
00:13:31,534 --> 00:13:33,133
you'll know what to do.
329
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,334
I'm proud to lead
you wonderful guys
330
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,400
anytime, anywhere.
331
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:40,367
Unfortunately, right now,
I've got this thing...
332
00:13:40,434 --> 00:13:42,467
Your problem,
Mr. Duckman,
333
00:13:42,534 --> 00:13:44,534
is that you're
a miserable coward.
334
00:13:44,601 --> 00:13:47,033
That happens to be
a lifestyle choice.
335
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,868
Okay, son, that's enough
grease on your face.
336
00:13:49,934 --> 00:13:51,434
Grease?
337
00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:53,567
Where did you get grease?
338
00:14:02,267 --> 00:14:04,767
(shouting)
339
00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:11,467
Oh, my God!
340
00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:13,133
Not toilet paper!
341
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,601
(screaming)
342
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,334
Charge!
343
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:41,167
You killed my lawn!
344
00:14:41,234 --> 00:14:43,067
You killed my lawn!
345
00:14:50,801 --> 00:14:52,167
(yells)
346
00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:06,267
Ow.
347
00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:14,634
Okay,
we've got
348
00:15:14,701 --> 00:15:15,868
to lull them to sleep.
349
00:15:15,934 --> 00:15:16,868
Stein...
350
00:15:23,033 --> 00:15:25,467
(new age
keyboard music playing)
351
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:35,601
(snoring)
352
00:15:40,834 --> 00:15:42,901
How are things
on your end?
353
00:15:42,968 --> 00:15:45,567
Fine, since
the sores healed.
354
00:15:45,634 --> 00:15:49,100
Animals... they're animals.
355
00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:51,767
All you have to do is look
at them to see
356
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:54,067
they don't have the same
feelings as us.
357
00:15:54,133 --> 00:15:56,100
Dad, what's the signal
358
00:15:56,167 --> 00:16:00,434
for when we're in
tremendous danger and
about to be captured?
359
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,067
(shouting)
360
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:04,000
(screaming)
361
00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:12,501
(barking)
362
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,834
(doorbell ringing)
363
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,367
Oui, monsieurs?
364
00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:33,434
You've got
to hide us.
365
00:16:33,501 --> 00:16:35,067
You are Americans.
366
00:16:35,133 --> 00:16:39,334
I do not like
this terrible war.
367
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,367
Oui, I will hide you.
368
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,400
Walk this way.
369
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:48,167
Do it and you're off
the series.
370
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,501
It is not,
how you say..? The Ritz,
371
00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:57,067
but I think you will be
uncomfortable.
372
00:16:57,133 --> 00:16:59,100
DUCKMAN:
You mean comfortable.
373
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:00,400
No.
374
00:17:02,534 --> 00:17:03,801
Thanks, Marie.
375
00:17:03,868 --> 00:17:05,133
The girl's
a treasure.
376
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,501
Would you mind strapping
yourselves down?
377
00:17:07,567 --> 00:17:10,367
I could call Igor,
but he tends
to break people.
378
00:17:10,434 --> 00:17:12,634
You know how it is.
379
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:14,033
You volunteer
to make lemonade,
380
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,801
you end up running the war and
torturing everybody yourself.
381
00:17:16,868 --> 00:17:18,968
Okay, here we go.
There's still a few bugs,
382
00:17:19,033 --> 00:17:20,634
but hopefully,
this will hurt a lot.
383
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:23,434
(channel changes)
384
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:24,968
What the...?
385
00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:36,067
Damn. Nothing works right
since Windows 95.
386
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:38,067
Tad Venom,
this is Cornfed.
387
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:42,400
In the name of humanity,
will you agree to peace talks?
388
00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:47,934
Okay.
389
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:53,100
CORNFED:
As the mayor's representative,
390
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:55,467
I'm happy to do my best
to arrange negotiations.
391
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,067
But I do have
one preliminary request.
392
00:17:58,133 --> 00:18:00,534
Could you please stop
torturing Duckman?
393
00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:04,267
Damn, I just got
it working.
394
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:08,601
Again?
395
00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:12,033
Mr. Venom, my plan is to sit
both sides down at a table.
396
00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:13,167
What kind of table?
397
00:18:13,234 --> 00:18:14,100
Any kind.
398
00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:15,467
Not rectangular.
399
00:18:15,534 --> 00:18:17,200
I'm not sitting across
from a Phlegmer.
400
00:18:17,267 --> 00:18:18,534
All right, round.
401
00:18:18,601 --> 00:18:21,234
Round? What kind of man
do you take me for?
402
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,567
Triangular?
403
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:23,767
Octangular.
404
00:18:23,834 --> 00:18:25,100
Rhomboid?
405
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:26,100
Tetragon.
406
00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:27,434
Dodecagon?
407
00:18:27,501 --> 00:18:28,767
Trapezohedron.
408
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,000
(gavel pounding)
409
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,033
Thank you, Cornfed.
410
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:35,300
Now, I have an idea
411
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:37,234
for ending this war quickly
and easily and quickly.
412
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,167
I propose that Dutch Elm Street
annex North Phlegm Avenue.
413
00:18:40,234 --> 00:18:42,300
(shouting disagreement)
414
00:18:43,567 --> 00:18:45,467
Venom, that is the stupidest
idea I've heard
415
00:18:45,534 --> 00:18:48,467
since the Indians claimed they
lived here before Americans.
416
00:18:48,534 --> 00:18:51,100
Actually, I feel it's
worth considering.
417
00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:54,434
Yes. It might be fun to live
under the strong
418
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:58,033
yet benevolent leadership of a
genial tyrant like Mr. Venom.
419
00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:00,067
I never considered
the idea before,
420
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:03,767
but I feel it's an idea
worth considering.
421
00:19:03,834 --> 00:19:05,400
Something funny's going on here.
422
00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:06,734
It's about time.
423
00:19:06,801 --> 00:19:08,934
I'm getting sick
of all the social commentary.
424
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,234
Hey, everyone...
425
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,701
Expensive home
electronic equipment
426
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:13,834
and thick wads of cash
are being delivered
427
00:19:13,901 --> 00:19:15,767
to three houses
on Phlegm Avenue.
428
00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:17,267
(gasping)
429
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:18,767
Traitors!
430
00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:20,634
Let's book.
431
00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:31,300
The whole south side
of the street
432
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:32,567
just joined up with Venom.
433
00:19:32,634 --> 00:19:33,901
Who cares?
434
00:19:33,968 --> 00:19:36,701
We're not intimidated
by any south North Phlegm scum.
435
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:38,534
Eat fluoride, lawn jockeys.
436
00:19:38,601 --> 00:19:40,067
(screaming)
437
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:42,434
D'wah!
438
00:19:42,501 --> 00:19:44,434
Hey, that's enough
with the d'wahs.
439
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:45,801
I do the d'wahs, okay?
440
00:19:45,868 --> 00:19:46,934
Yikes!
441
00:19:57,734 --> 00:19:59,334
Excuse me.
442
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,334
I just wondered
if you'd considered
443
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,367
the metaphorical implications
444
00:20:03,434 --> 00:20:06,701
of tearing apart your own home
to fight your neighbors.
445
00:20:06,767 --> 00:20:08,834
Never mind.
446
00:20:08,901 --> 00:20:10,834
We're doomed! Doomed!
447
00:20:10,901 --> 00:20:12,767
I have an idea, Dad.
448
00:20:12,834 --> 00:20:13,767
What? What?
449
00:20:13,834 --> 00:20:15,767
If they made
tugboats bigger,
450
00:20:15,834 --> 00:20:18,400
they could be the boats
other boats tug.
451
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,400
We're out of weapons.
452
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:25,400
We need something large
and heavy to throw at them.
453
00:20:28,801 --> 00:20:31,100
(breaking wind)
454
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:33,801
You heartless guttersnipe.
455
00:20:33,868 --> 00:20:36,200
I meant something other
than my mother.
456
00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:38,000
That's it, Shmuckman.
457
00:20:38,067 --> 00:20:39,267
Get out of my living room.
458
00:20:39,334 --> 00:20:40,000
What?
459
00:20:40,067 --> 00:20:41,133
You heard me.
460
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,667
This living room belongs
to me and the kids now.
461
00:20:42,734 --> 00:20:44,133
No way.
462
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,767
We the sovereign residents
of the western end
of the bedroom wing
463
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:50,200
refuse to live any longer
under the tyrannical yoke
464
00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:52,234
of the recreation
and eating areas.
465
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:53,901
Come on, men.
466
00:20:55,601 --> 00:20:56,868
Who cares?
467
00:20:56,934 --> 00:20:58,801
I don't need any of you,
you hear me?
468
00:20:58,868 --> 00:20:59,834
Not any of you.
469
00:20:59,901 --> 00:21:01,200
I get the kitchen.
470
00:21:01,267 --> 00:21:02,534
(blows raspberry)
471
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:09,133
Hello?
472
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,601
Hello?
473
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:12,801
I don't believe it.
474
00:21:12,868 --> 00:21:14,133
It's over.
475
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:15,667
They destroyed themselves.
476
00:21:15,734 --> 00:21:18,067
The entire neighborhood
is in ruins.
477
00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:22,968
The only things left
are me and my refrigerator.
478
00:21:23,033 --> 00:21:25,567
I won! I won!
479
00:21:25,634 --> 00:21:26,901
Ya-hoo!
480
00:21:26,968 --> 00:21:28,267
Ya-hoo!
481
00:21:28,334 --> 00:21:31,267
Ya-hoo!
482
00:21:47,701 --> 00:21:49,667
Ya-hoo!
483
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:37,968
These people are nuts!
34100
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