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1
00:00:15,767 --> 00:00:18,734
(low, sustained booming notes)
2
00:00:24,634 --> 00:00:26,033
Hey, hey. Hey!
3
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:29,234
If I wanted to get spit on,
I'd go back to summer camp.
4
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:30,567
Sorry, Dad.
5
00:00:30,634 --> 00:00:32,934
We were practicing
for our annual tuba recital.
6
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,200
You know, the one you
promised to attend.
7
00:00:35,267 --> 00:00:36,033
I did?
8
00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:37,167
Don't worry, Dad.
9
00:00:37,234 --> 00:00:39,167
We didn't expect you
to break your streak
10
00:00:39,234 --> 00:00:40,934
and make this year's
recital either.
11
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,234
Though you will be missing
our moving salute
12
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:44,267
to dead rock stars
13
00:00:44,334 --> 00:00:46,000
whose first names
begin with "J."
14
00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:49,000
But rather than spend one more
crucial juncture in our life
15
00:00:49,067 --> 00:00:50,234
mired in disappointment,
16
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,934
we've decided
to select and invite
17
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,100
a brand-new father figure
who won't let us down.
18
00:00:54,167 --> 00:00:55,501
Warning! Red alert,red alert!
19
00:00:55,567 --> 00:00:56,501
Must deal with immediately.
20
00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:57,868
Children dangerously close
21
00:00:57,934 --> 00:00:59,300
to forever replacing youwith surrogate father
22
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:00,767
due to insensitivity, neglect
23
00:01:00,834 --> 00:01:02,667
and selfishly puttingyour own needs before theirs.
24
00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:05,868
3:00-- late for my groin wax.
25
00:01:05,934 --> 00:01:07,834
Wait a minute,
wait a minute!
26
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,701
What kind of
a father am I?
27
00:01:09,767 --> 00:01:11,434
Uh, is that
a trick question?
28
00:01:11,501 --> 00:01:12,734
Boys, I'm going
29
00:01:12,801 --> 00:01:14,000
to go to this recital Friday
30
00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:15,734
if it's the last thing I do.
31
00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:17,567
Rest assured, I'm
clearing my calendar
32
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:20,234
of everything that day
just to make room for you.
33
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,534
Word to the wise, boys!
34
00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:34,000
When it comes
to delivering on promises,
35
00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:37,334
Duckman's dependability rating
is just below Scud missile.
36
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,667
Ta-ta!
37
00:01:39,968 --> 00:01:42,567
Feeling a tad nippy.
38
00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:48,033
Dad!
Dad!
39
00:01:50,133 --> 00:01:51,067
(distant scream)
40
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:52,567
Ajax, why the long face?
41
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,701
I understand it has
something to do
42
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:57,934
with the flagrant misuse
of forceps during my birth.
43
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,067
By the way, Dad,
44
00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:01,467
I think I may have
done a no-no just now.
45
00:02:01,534 --> 00:02:03,501
Ajax, how many times
have I told you?
46
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:04,968
The toilet is on the left.
47
00:02:05,033 --> 00:02:06,868
The laundry hamper's
on the right.
48
00:02:06,934 --> 00:02:07,934
Oh. Two no-nos.
49
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,267
Actually, it seems
50
00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:12,968
that while trying to set
the alarm on my clock radio,
51
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:16,767
I may have ripped a hole
in the time-space continuum.
52
00:02:16,834 --> 00:02:19,000
Ajax, what are you saying?
53
00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:20,767
That, through a freak accident,
54
00:02:20,834 --> 00:02:23,567
I super-charged the atoms
of a condensed space,
55
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:26,033
separating the positive
and negative ions
56
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,601
creating a portal in time
57
00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:30,868
through which anyone
who ever lived or ever will live
58
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:32,234
could enter our world.
59
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,400
Uh-huh. And who
told you that?
60
00:02:34,467 --> 00:02:36,901
That nice man from the future
in my bedroom.
61
00:02:36,968 --> 00:02:39,501
Yeah. Well, just clean up
those ions and atoms
62
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:41,234
as best you can,
will you, son?
63
00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:42,901
A-okay, Dad.
64
00:02:42,968 --> 00:02:45,334
And as for you boys
replacing your dear old dad
65
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,467
with someone else
66
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,501
because of my past failures
as a father,
67
00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:51,367
I want you to know, this is
the dawning of a new Duckman.
68
00:02:51,434 --> 00:02:53,901
A Duckman who will be there
front and center Friday,
69
00:02:53,968 --> 00:02:56,000
cheering you on
as you play your piccolo.
70
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:56,767
Tuba.
71
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:57,734
Tuba.
72
00:02:57,801 --> 00:02:58,734
For I am nothing
73
00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:00,234
if not totally devoted
to my sons--
74
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:01,167
Charles and Uma.
75
00:03:01,234 --> 00:03:02,167
Mambo.
76
00:03:02,234 --> 00:03:03,200
Mambo and Uma.
77
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:04,267
Charles and Mambo.
78
00:03:04,334 --> 00:03:05,367
Charles and Mambo.
79
00:03:05,434 --> 00:03:06,367
(chuckles)
80
00:03:06,434 --> 00:03:08,200
Of course, Uma's
my firstborn...
81
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:09,634
but then which one's Oprah?
82
00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:10,834
CHARLES:
You mean Ajax.
83
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:11,968
Oh, damn. Right.
84
00:03:12,033 --> 00:03:13,701
Let's take itfrom the top.
85
00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:14,701
You're, uh...?
86
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:15,701
Charles.
87
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:16,701
Charles.
88
00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:17,701
And you're?
89
00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:21,567
(snoring)
90
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:25,934
(moaning)
91
00:03:27,434 --> 00:03:28,901
(electrical buzzing)
92
00:03:43,968 --> 00:03:45,133
Oh!
93
00:03:47,634 --> 00:03:48,767
I say, old chap,
94
00:03:48,834 --> 00:03:51,300
what in the blue blazes
are you blinking at?
95
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:52,334
You, Mr. Goodbar.
96
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,734
What, are you
some kind of pervert
97
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,467
who gets his kicks breaking
into people's bedrooms
98
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:56,734
and fantasizing
what you'd do to them
99
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:57,901
if they were Lauren Holly?
100
00:03:57,968 --> 00:03:59,000
I used to be.
101
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:00,734
Yeah, it is fun.
102
00:04:00,801 --> 00:04:01,968
Oh, dear me.
103
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,834
There's something
frightfully familiar about you.
104
00:04:04,901 --> 00:04:05,834
Yeah, you, too.
105
00:04:05,901 --> 00:04:07,834
(sniffing)
106
00:04:07,901 --> 00:04:09,534
(both gasp)
107
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:11,834
You're me!
You're me!
108
00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:12,968
I don't understand.
109
00:04:13,033 --> 00:04:13,968
It's impossible.
110
00:04:14,033 --> 00:04:14,968
Unless...
111
00:04:15,033 --> 00:04:16,701
something Ajax
said earlier...
112
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:19,968
I may have ripped a holein the time-space continuum.
113
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,267
No, something else.
114
00:04:21,334 --> 00:04:22,534
A-okay, Dad.
115
00:04:22,601 --> 00:04:23,534
That's it.
116
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:24,968
But what could it mean?
117
00:04:25,033 --> 00:04:28,400
Well, whatever I'm doing here,
it is quaint to revisit
118
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:31,701
what I fondly refer to
as my "blows chunks" period.
119
00:04:31,767 --> 00:04:33,334
Of course, this was all
120
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,133
before Charles and Mambo's
tuba recital.
121
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,167
Recital?
122
00:04:37,234 --> 00:04:39,100
You see, this season of my life
123
00:04:39,167 --> 00:04:42,534
calls to mind the two most
dreaded words a man can hear.
124
00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:43,901
Breast reductions?
125
00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:46,334
I'm referring
to "child alienation."
126
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,901
My fatherhood skills--
that is to say, yours--
127
00:04:48,968 --> 00:04:51,467
were, shall we say,
sorely lacking
128
00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:53,100
until I pledged
to become a better parent
129
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,234
starting with attending
their recital.
130
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:56,300
It was there
131
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,033
I happened to sit by
and chat up
132
00:04:58,100 --> 00:04:59,133
a software designer
133
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,133
who was developing
an interactive game
134
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,167
featuring a wisecracking,
single-father duck detective.
135
00:05:04,234 --> 00:05:05,267
We became partners.
136
00:05:05,334 --> 00:05:06,701
I became rich
137
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:10,100
and was able to afford lessons
in this pretentious diction.
138
00:05:10,167 --> 00:05:12,167
The rest is...
well, future history.
139
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:18,334
What a dream!
140
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,400
That's what I get
for listening to Ajax.
141
00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:23,534
Still, there was a moral there--
something worth heeding.
142
00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:26,767
But if I go to sleep real fast,
I won't have to learn it.
143
00:05:26,834 --> 00:05:28,767
(snoring)
144
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:35,534
(bike bell rings)
145
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:38,934
Ha-ha, you missed.
146
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,100
(groans)
147
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,701
(raspy voice):
Forgot... the ads.
148
00:05:43,767 --> 00:05:45,567
And what's this?
149
00:05:45,634 --> 00:05:46,667
"Friday, 8:00 P.M.
150
00:05:46,734 --> 00:05:49,067
"The grand opening
of the Grand Opening
151
00:05:49,133 --> 00:05:51,234
"offering the sleaziest
in adult videos.
152
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,400
"Just in: Just In.
153
00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:55,868
Coming soon: Coming Soon."
154
00:05:55,934 --> 00:05:57,067
Whoo-ooh-ooh!
155
00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:58,834
Well, I guess I know
where I'll be
156
00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,067
Friday night at 8:00...
157
00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:01,000
Yikes!
158
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,834
Who the hell are you?!
159
00:06:03,901 --> 00:06:06,133
And what is that
disgusting smell?
160
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,100
(slurring):
I was going to ask you
the same thing.
161
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:10,100
(burps)
162
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:11,601
Wait a minute.
I'm awake now.
163
00:06:11,667 --> 00:06:13,734
That means me being rich
wasn't a dream.
164
00:06:13,801 --> 00:06:16,767
That means Ajax really did
open a hole in time and space.
165
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,801
That means you're
from the future, too.
166
00:06:18,868 --> 00:06:20,334
You... you're me,
aren't you?
167
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:21,601
I hope not.
168
00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:23,033
You're ugly.
169
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:25,367
But last night,
I was the upper crust.
170
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:26,901
Now I'm just the crust.
171
00:06:26,968 --> 00:06:27,801
What happened?
172
00:06:27,868 --> 00:06:29,334
Like I got the answers?
173
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,634
I barely know when I'm going
to soil myself next.
174
00:06:32,701 --> 00:06:34,300
Well, at least one thing's
still the same.
175
00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:37,033
Oh... now I remember.
176
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:41,400
It's when I decided not to go
to Charles and Mambo's recital.
177
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:44,701
I was on the way
to a new video store opening.
178
00:06:44,767 --> 00:06:48,167
I rear-ended some
pointy-head software designer
179
00:06:48,234 --> 00:06:50,868
and he sued me
for everything I had--
180
00:06:50,934 --> 00:06:55,334
as if he needed my collection
of bound and gagged Ken dolls.
181
00:06:59,934 --> 00:07:01,300
This is incredible.
182
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:03,133
As long as this time-space tear
stays open,
183
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,601
I can see the future.
184
00:07:04,667 --> 00:07:06,701
I already know if I go
to this recital, I'll be rich.
185
00:07:06,767 --> 00:07:08,167
Now I can avoid
all the wrong stuff
186
00:07:08,234 --> 00:07:09,501
and do all the right stuff.
187
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:11,934
I can become the most powerful
person who ever lived.
188
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,067
I can truly be
the master of my fate,
189
00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:15,767
the captain of my destiny.
190
00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:20,501
I can know what happens
on Melrose Place next week!
191
00:07:20,567 --> 00:07:22,067
Yoo-hoo!
192
00:07:32,834 --> 00:07:34,667
(loud chomping)
193
00:07:36,734 --> 00:07:38,801
(all sighing contentedly)
194
00:07:38,868 --> 00:07:40,667
(belches)
195
00:07:40,734 --> 00:07:42,567
Waiter, more dead animal.
196
00:07:42,634 --> 00:07:44,167
Of course, monsieur.
197
00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:46,334
And more
thousand-dollars-an-ounce,
198
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,601
free-range,
sun-dried caviar as well?
199
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:50,934
Tell me, does it
come by the bucket?
200
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,367
But of course.
201
00:07:52,434 --> 00:07:53,634
Then hop to it, frenchy.
202
00:07:53,701 --> 00:07:55,701
I'm gonna develop a taste
for this crap yet.
203
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,334
Merci...
204
00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,200
Mademoiselle Mandeltort.
205
00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:01,734
Please, call
me Estelle.
206
00:08:01,801 --> 00:08:04,000
(laughing)
207
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:06,100
Not that I care
when they arrest you,
208
00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:08,200
but aren't you
the least bit worried
209
00:08:08,267 --> 00:08:10,133
about using stolen credit cards?
210
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,667
Hey, I plan to pay them off.
211
00:08:11,734 --> 00:08:13,400
And if Estelle doesn't like it,
tough titmice.
212
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:16,167
I'll be able to afford more
lawyers than she has chin hairs.
213
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:18,667
So, exactly when do we
make the transition
214
00:08:18,734 --> 00:08:21,100
from semi-honest,
poverty-line proletariats
215
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,133
to selfish, indolent
millionaires?
216
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,234
Right after your recital Friday.
217
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,501
Let me guess-- you'll be
out in the parking lot
218
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,667
selling the parents' cars
to chop shops.
219
00:08:29,734 --> 00:08:31,334
Scoff away,
ye of little faith.
220
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:32,767
I plan to be in attendance,
221
00:08:32,834 --> 00:08:35,968
firmly kick any replacement
parental figure out of my seat
222
00:08:36,033 --> 00:08:37,801
and be the father
you never had--
223
00:08:37,868 --> 00:08:39,734
one who can afford
to buy your love.
224
00:08:39,801 --> 00:08:41,868
Well, I'm off
to the little ducks' room.
225
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:43,734
Best thing
about an expensive meal--
226
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:45,467
it feels as good going out
227
00:08:45,534 --> 00:08:46,834
as it does
coming in.
228
00:08:50,167 --> 00:08:52,367
There's never enough paper.
229
00:08:52,434 --> 00:08:54,334
(whooshing)
230
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,801
Oh, no!
231
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:58,167
Now you're
a hardened criminal?
232
00:08:58,234 --> 00:08:59,868
What of it, pencil-neck?
233
00:08:59,934 --> 00:09:02,133
Great. I'm about
to kick my own butt.
234
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,033
Who the hell are
you, wise guy?
235
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:05,467
Well, uh...
236
00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:09,100
you see, it's kind of hard
to explain, but I'm you.
237
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:11,300
Oh. Space-time continuum thing.
238
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:14,968
Wait. That means
you're the reason I'm a con.
239
00:09:15,033 --> 00:09:16,434
It wasn't enough to
make all the money
240
00:09:16,501 --> 00:09:18,000
off of the
software, was it?
241
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:19,868
You had to do all them
bogus write-offs
242
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,334
that tipped
off the IRS
243
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,501
and got me the
triple life sentence
244
00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:25,868
that turned me into
the subhuman piece
245
00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:29,734
of soulless prison
scum I am today!
246
00:09:29,801 --> 00:09:31,601
Nice pecs though.
247
00:09:31,667 --> 00:09:33,167
Okay, okay, I won't do it.
I swear.
248
00:09:33,234 --> 00:09:36,133
I won't write off a single
cockfight as entertainment.
249
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,167
You'd better not.
250
00:09:37,234 --> 00:09:38,267
And while I'm here,
251
00:09:38,334 --> 00:09:39,801
one other hot
tip for you--
252
00:09:39,868 --> 00:09:41,534
tomorrow some
broad in pink's
253
00:09:41,601 --> 00:09:43,868
going to offer to
give it up for free.
254
00:09:43,934 --> 00:09:44,734
Don't do it!
255
00:09:44,801 --> 00:09:45,868
40 seconds of fun
256
00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:47,801
ain't worth no
lifetime of ointment.
257
00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:49,567
You understand
what I'm saying?
258
00:09:49,634 --> 00:09:52,667
Yeah! I lasted 40 seconds!
259
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:54,400
I understand, I understand.
260
00:09:54,467 --> 00:09:55,801
And don't
try pulling...
261
00:09:55,868 --> 00:09:57,367
Whoa!
262
00:09:57,434 --> 00:09:59,734
(tuba playing "Foxy Lady")
263
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:10,267
This mastering-my-fate business
isn't as easy as I thought.
264
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:11,801
(doorbell rings)
265
00:10:11,868 --> 00:10:13,868
Well, at least I'm ready
for one thing.
266
00:10:13,934 --> 00:10:16,000
Say no to the 40 seconds of fun.
267
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:20,334
Rhonda "Up All Night" Shear?
268
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,067
I was walking past your house
269
00:10:22,133 --> 00:10:24,167
when I heard those
mellifluous sounds
270
00:10:24,234 --> 00:10:25,701
wafting from your window.
271
00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:26,968
Grandma-ma?
272
00:10:27,033 --> 00:10:28,701
When I hear that, oom!
273
00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:30,367
My breasts go pah!
274
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:33,334
And I'm consumed
with an overwhelming compulsion
275
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,501
to make hot, sweaty love
to the owner of the house.
276
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:38,033
I was smart to buy.
277
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,267
Take me, Duckman!
278
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:42,067
Oh, take me now!
279
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:44,234
I've been expecting you.
280
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:45,267
(gasps)
281
00:10:45,334 --> 00:10:47,400
(sobbing)
282
00:10:47,467 --> 00:10:50,234
Just goes to show
a man in control of his destiny
283
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:51,400
can do anything.
284
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:52,701
(doorbell rings)
285
00:10:52,767 --> 00:10:53,968
Hi, Lap Dances To Go.
286
00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:56,501
You're the lucky recipient
of a free session,
287
00:10:56,567 --> 00:10:57,634
since it's already paid for
288
00:10:57,701 --> 00:10:59,667
and I can't find
the right address.
289
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:00,834
You mean...?
290
00:11:00,901 --> 00:11:02,434
You're the...?
291
00:11:02,501 --> 00:11:05,133
He said pink dress.
292
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,501
Rhonda! Come back!
293
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:08,767
I'll wear
lederhosen.
294
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,033
(horn honks
and tires screeching)
295
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:12,033
(thudding)
296
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,033
Oof!
297
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:14,234
That's got to hurt.
298
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:16,667
I don't get it.
299
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:18,968
The future mes are
telling me what to do
300
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:20,467
and I still get it wrong.
301
00:11:20,534 --> 00:11:21,467
(yells)
302
00:11:21,534 --> 00:11:22,701
What horrible future
303
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:23,701
caused you?!
304
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:24,734
Oh.
305
00:11:24,801 --> 00:11:25,734
Whew.
306
00:11:25,801 --> 00:11:27,434
Got to get a hold of myself.
307
00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:30,100
And not the usual way
I get a hold of myself.
308
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:33,200
Wait. If I plan all my moves
and their ramifications,
309
00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:35,000
then I can't go wrong, right?
310
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:36,801
Let's see,
recital equals wealthy,
311
00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:38,767
carry the one,
Charles, Mambo, happy,
312
00:11:38,834 --> 00:11:40,000
subtract the surrogate,
313
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,701
divided by video store opening,
314
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,100
factor IRS, makes me
girlfriend in prison,
315
00:11:44,167 --> 00:11:45,234
multiply future kids,
316
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,400
exploding bathroom
with transvestite...
317
00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:49,033
(gasping):
I can't go on.
318
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,200
Too many choices.
319
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:52,467
Go to the recital,
don't go to the recital.
320
00:11:52,534 --> 00:11:54,467
Suddenly, it's the biggest
decision of my life.
321
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:55,901
Too much pressure.
322
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:57,200
Too much at stake.
323
00:11:57,267 --> 00:11:59,434
Every move I make,
every breath I take,
324
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:01,667
I got gang o' dopples
to answer to.
325
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:04,334
My future, my family's future,
is hanging in the balance.
326
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,734
Too frightening.
327
00:12:05,801 --> 00:12:08,234
(takes deep breath)
328
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:11,334
Best just not to do anything,
then nothing will happen.
329
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,067
Just sit here as if paralyzed.
330
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:17,901
Under no circumstances
move for any reason.
331
00:12:21,767 --> 00:12:24,100
I have an itch on my forehead.
332
00:12:29,434 --> 00:12:31,067
(crickets chirping)
333
00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:34,067
(humming
"The Marriage of Figaro")
334
00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:42,667
Still stiff
as a board, huh?
335
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:45,968
First time a woman's
said that about you in years.
336
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:48,167
(cackling laughter)
337
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:49,501
(grunting)
338
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:52,667
(incoherent mumbling)
339
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:54,667
Swallow your
food, Ajax,
340
00:12:54,734 --> 00:12:56,467
then ask the question.
341
00:12:56,534 --> 00:12:58,067
(gulping)
342
00:12:58,133 --> 00:13:01,200
(incoherent mumbling)
343
00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:03,033
No, your father didn't
leave the chair
344
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:04,534
for three hours today
on his own.
345
00:13:04,601 --> 00:13:06,767
I took him to Hemphill's
Department Store
346
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:08,200
and rented him out
as a mannequin.
347
00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:09,200
He'd still be there
348
00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:10,767
if it weren't
for those bratty kids.
349
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:14,167
I spent the half the afternoon
belt-sanding gum off his butt.
350
00:13:14,234 --> 00:13:15,033
(doorbell rings)
351
00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:17,033
Our new father figure is here.
352
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,167
It's time to go.
353
00:13:18,234 --> 00:13:20,367
Everyone,
meet Gunnar Jan Skulvestalk,
354
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:21,767
Norwegian physicist
355
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:24,734
and part-time lifeguard at the
Culver City municipal pool.
356
00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:27,767
Oh, my. Resuscitate me.
357
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:28,801
Tee-hee.
358
00:13:28,868 --> 00:13:31,033
Gunnar,
this is our Aunt Bernice.
359
00:13:32,767 --> 00:13:34,367
This is Ajax.
360
00:13:35,968 --> 00:13:38,367
And the lump in the chair
is our father.
361
00:13:38,434 --> 00:13:39,934
Ah, the Duckman.
362
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,934
The boys go on about you.
363
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,067
Is it true that you
actually believe
364
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:46,534
there's a rip in the
time-space continuum
365
00:13:46,601 --> 00:13:49,334
and visits from future
incarnations of yourself
366
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,501
have left you in a state
of hyper-paranoid paralysis?
367
00:13:52,567 --> 00:13:53,501
No!
368
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:54,667
Well, yeah.
369
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:55,667
(shrieks)
370
00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:56,667
I talked!
371
00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:58,667
(laughing)
372
00:14:00,701 --> 00:14:03,834
You're right.
He is an idiot.
373
00:14:03,901 --> 00:14:05,667
(all laughing)
374
00:14:05,734 --> 00:14:07,000
Yeah. Hard to imagine
375
00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:09,334
why we'd ever
need a surrogate.
376
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,033
Duckman,
you feathered fool,
377
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:19,767
what you're suggesting
is physically impossible.
378
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:21,868
Shall we go, new family?
379
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:24,033
And tell me more stories
about him.
380
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:25,501
I haven't been
this amused
381
00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:28,968
since pushing the last father
I replaced into a fjord.
382
00:14:29,033 --> 00:14:31,367
(all laughing)
383
00:14:31,434 --> 00:14:33,167
(screen door closes)
384
00:14:39,667 --> 00:14:41,100
I got to go to that recital.
385
00:14:41,167 --> 00:14:42,567
What if that makessomething terrible happen?
386
00:14:42,634 --> 00:14:43,834
Then again, if I don't go,
387
00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:45,100
that could make somethingterrible happen.
388
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:46,634
It isn't fair.
389
00:14:46,701 --> 00:14:48,734
I have to decide between twoequally frightening options.
390
00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:50,400
If I wanted to do that,I'd vote.
391
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:51,400
Shaddup!
392
00:14:51,467 --> 00:14:52,501
(screams)
393
00:14:52,567 --> 00:14:54,434
And sit down! You just added
394
00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:55,767
ten years to my sentence.
395
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:57,100
Sitting, of course,
396
00:14:57,167 --> 00:14:59,167
having its
downside as well.
397
00:14:59,234 --> 00:15:00,434
(burps)
398
00:15:00,501 --> 00:15:02,534
Tell me something:
Why does red wine
399
00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:04,334
come out yellow
when you puke?
400
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:05,567
They're back!
401
00:15:05,634 --> 00:15:06,567
Every move I make
402
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:08,067
changes what I am
in the future.
403
00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:09,467
I can't sit, I can't stand.
404
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:11,067
Maybe if I go to another room.
405
00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:12,868
I'll go to the kitchen.
406
00:15:12,934 --> 00:15:14,067
(growling)
407
00:15:14,133 --> 00:15:15,934
Nice choice, Sparky.
408
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,200
(yells)
409
00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:18,367
Maybe the bedroom.
410
00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:22,100
(screams)
411
00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:23,367
The hall.
412
00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:25,234
I'll just stand in the hall.
413
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,033
Excellent. This is
the inspiration
414
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,701
for my most
beloved poem--
415
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:31,367
"Ode to a Hall"
416
00:15:31,434 --> 00:15:32,701
which, upon publication,
417
00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:35,367
led to a life
of fabulous refinement
418
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,634
and great taste.
419
00:15:36,701 --> 00:15:38,634
So, the hall is good?
420
00:15:38,701 --> 00:15:40,834
Who knows?
421
00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:43,133
You could misinterpret
the inspiration
422
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,033
and end up a deranged psychopath
on an eight-state chop spree--
423
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:48,467
an insatiable machine--
424
00:15:48,534 --> 00:15:51,467
always more killing,
more killing, more killing!
425
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,334
I'm quite sure
you'll end up
426
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,667
with a life of great taste...
427
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:56,734
More killing...
428
00:15:56,801 --> 00:15:57,801
Great taste...
429
00:15:57,868 --> 00:15:58,868
More killing...
430
00:15:58,934 --> 00:15:59,934
Great taste...
431
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,501
(screaming)
432
00:16:01,567 --> 00:16:03,334
Turns out they were both wrong.
433
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,000
Hold still, you moron!
434
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:07,434
Kill me. Kill me, please.
435
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:08,968
That's it! I'm getting out!
436
00:16:09,033 --> 00:16:11,133
I got to get out
of this house.
437
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,334
I'd rather you didn't.
438
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:13,534
I can't stand it.
439
00:16:13,601 --> 00:16:15,601
I can't live with this kind
of pressure.
440
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:16,534
I'm calling an institution.
441
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:17,834
I want to be locked
442
00:16:17,901 --> 00:16:20,000
in a padded room where I can't
change anything.
443
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:21,334
Put down that phone.
444
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,033
The woman you'll be marrying's
about to call.
445
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:27,701
(ringing)
446
00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:28,901
Don't pick it up.
447
00:16:28,968 --> 00:16:30,701
She's trying to murder me.
448
00:16:32,434 --> 00:16:33,567
Nothing's happening.
449
00:16:33,634 --> 00:16:34,767
Finally.
450
00:16:34,834 --> 00:16:36,367
That one didn't change me.
451
00:16:36,434 --> 00:16:37,567
Hmm-mm.
452
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:40,167
Think again, girlfriend.
453
00:16:40,234 --> 00:16:41,701
Please! You have to stop!
454
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,934
I can't keep having
different mes
455
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,968
popping in and out of my house.
456
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,067
Perhaps I'll be a refreshing
change of pace.
457
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:52,400
James Madison.
458
00:16:52,467 --> 00:16:54,501
I took advantage
of your continuum rip
459
00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:57,234
to clear up a few things
about the Constitution.
460
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:59,300
Freedom of speech is absolute
461
00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:03,367
and applies to everything
and everyone, no exceptions,
462
00:17:03,434 --> 00:17:07,534
and Joe Average does not have
a Constitutional right
463
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:09,567
to own a gun, for God's sake.
464
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:12,100
We're not stupid.
465
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,534
Gesundheit.
466
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,434
I'm you
three seconds from now.
467
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:18,734
I don't care who you...
468
00:17:18,801 --> 00:17:19,734
(sneezes)
469
00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:21,734
are. I want you
out of my house.
470
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:24,200
Thanks a lot.
471
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,200
No, that's not
too much to ask.
472
00:17:26,267 --> 00:17:27,868
All I want to know is whether
473
00:17:27,934 --> 00:17:29,734
I should go to the recital
or not.
474
00:17:29,801 --> 00:17:31,367
Is that too much to ask?
475
00:17:31,434 --> 00:17:33,367
Stop doing that!
476
00:17:33,434 --> 00:17:35,100
Stop doing that!
477
00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:37,033
Why are you repeating
what I say?
478
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:38,367
He's from two
seconds behind you.
479
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:39,701
I'm from 12
seconds ahead.
480
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:40,701
You're what?!
481
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:41,701
You're what?!
482
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:42,701
Stop that!
483
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:43,701
Stop that!
484
00:17:43,767 --> 00:17:45,567
Will you please
Will you please
485
00:17:45,634 --> 00:17:46,567
stop repeating
stop repeating
486
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:47,701
what I say?
what I say?
487
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:48,701
(screams)
(screams)
488
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:50,334
Ow! My ears!
489
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,000
Yes, it could.
490
00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:53,300
This couldn't
This couldn't
491
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:54,300
get more
get more
492
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:55,300
annoying.
annoying.
493
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:56,968
And tell the other one
494
00:17:57,033 --> 00:17:58,834
to stop answering
before I say anything.
495
00:17:58,901 --> 00:17:59,968
Sorry.
496
00:18:00,033 --> 00:18:01,300
Ow! My ears!
497
00:18:01,367 --> 00:18:04,501
I'm not from any
particular time!
498
00:18:04,567 --> 00:18:07,667
I'm "Speaks Unnaturally Loud"
Duckman!
499
00:18:07,734 --> 00:18:10,667
Where I come from,
everyone talks like this!
500
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:11,868
Ow! My ears!
501
00:18:11,934 --> 00:18:12,868
Ow! My ears!
502
00:18:12,934 --> 00:18:14,534
You want to keep it down?
503
00:18:14,601 --> 00:18:16,000
I got
a splitting headache.
504
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:17,667
I can't stand it!
505
00:18:17,734 --> 00:18:21,334
Just tell me if I should go
to the recital.
506
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:22,667
Go to the recital.
507
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:24,000
Don't go to
the recital.
508
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:25,133
Go!
509
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,334
Don't go!
510
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,334
Go!
511
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,467
Don't go!
512
00:18:28,534 --> 00:18:30,901
(screaming)
513
00:18:30,968 --> 00:18:32,334
(sobbing)
514
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,534
(group chanting continues):
Go... Don't go...
515
00:18:34,601 --> 00:18:37,300
Go... Don't go...
516
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,300
Wow! I'm really here.
517
00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:40,634
This is my future.
518
00:18:40,701 --> 00:18:41,968
You're me.
519
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:43,767
Who are you?
520
00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:45,100
I'm you 18 years ago.
521
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,634
I was about to get married
522
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:48,300
when I suddenly
found myself here.
523
00:18:48,367 --> 00:18:50,334
So I guess
you know my future, right?
524
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,033
I mean, how often do you get
a chance like this?
525
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:53,868
There are some things
I got to know.
526
00:18:53,934 --> 00:18:55,767
For instance, my marriage--
527
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,467
Am I doing the right thing
marrying Beatrice?
528
00:18:57,534 --> 00:18:58,801
Do we grow old together?
529
00:19:02,868 --> 00:19:05,300
You're going to love her
until the day you die.
530
00:19:08,033 --> 00:19:10,968
Maybe I don't need
to know any more than that.
531
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:25,334
All right. All you mes,
get in here now.
532
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,567
I don't care
if you know what
533
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,667
I'm going to say,
or if you disagree with me
534
00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:31,300
or if you think
I'm making a mistake or what.
535
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,634
I'm gonna talk
and you're all gonna listen.
536
00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:35,701
I just realized that the best
thing about life
537
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:37,968
is that we don't know
how it's going to turn out.
538
00:19:38,033 --> 00:19:40,534
Being surprised is all we have
to hold our interest.
539
00:19:40,601 --> 00:19:41,968
And, as far as I can tell,
540
00:19:42,033 --> 00:19:44,167
your life ends when you start
trying to control your fate.
541
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:45,734
I don't want to know
how every move I make
542
00:19:45,801 --> 00:19:46,934
affects my future.
543
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,767
I'm just gonna do
what I think is right
544
00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:50,200
and hope everything turns out
for the best.
545
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:52,534
I'm making my own decisions
from now on.
546
00:19:52,601 --> 00:19:54,667
And I'm gonna start
with this one.
547
00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:56,501
ALL:
No!
548
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:09,434
I know for a fact
your insurance won't cover this!
549
00:20:16,334 --> 00:20:18,300
(orchestra tuning up)
550
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:20,400
(breaking wind)
551
00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:25,200
Say, handsome,
there's someone out in the lobby
552
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:26,467
who needs to speak to you.
553
00:20:26,534 --> 00:20:28,300
He says it's urgent.
554
00:20:28,367 --> 00:20:29,934
Very well.
555
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,133
Oh, my.
556
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,734
You suppose he'd be interested
557
00:20:32,801 --> 00:20:35,601
in any other kind
of surrogate work?
558
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,868
Now, what's so important...?
559
00:20:41,467 --> 00:20:43,667
Don't worry,
it's physically impossible.
560
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:46,334
Sit down!
561
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,534
Stand up!
562
00:20:47,601 --> 00:20:48,734
Open the door!
563
00:20:48,801 --> 00:20:50,000
Don't open the door!
564
00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:51,367
(all chattering)
565
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:53,868
(screaming)
566
00:20:54,968 --> 00:20:56,367
Hey, hey, nay-sayers.
567
00:20:56,434 --> 00:20:58,901
Well, inspect my butt
for flying monkeys.
568
00:20:58,968 --> 00:21:01,133
You actually showed up.
569
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,200
Dad!
I've been holding my breath.
570
00:21:03,267 --> 00:21:05,200
Well, I'm here now.
571
00:21:05,267 --> 00:21:08,300
What does that have to do
with me holding my breath?
572
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:10,167
Duckman, do the twins
know you're here?
573
00:21:10,234 --> 00:21:12,367
Yup, I caught them
right before they went onstage.
574
00:21:12,434 --> 00:21:13,934
I told them the only father
they'll be having
575
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,968
now or any time
in the future is me.
576
00:21:16,033 --> 00:21:18,133
I finally learned that analyzing
every move you make
577
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,601
for its possible effect
on the future
578
00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:21,367
is an insane and empty exercise.
579
00:21:21,434 --> 00:21:23,901
For example: I chose
to sit here, in this chair.
580
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:26,033
I could just as easily
have sat in that chair.
581
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:27,934
Makes no difference at all.
582
00:21:46,367 --> 00:21:48,434
I'll... just...
583
00:22:36,234 --> 00:22:39,067
The two most dreaded wordsa man can hear.40179
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