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1
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,067
(whistles)
2
00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:37,400
(quacks)
3
00:00:48,334 --> 00:00:50,067
Go get it,
boy! Fetch!
4
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:54,200
Ew!
5
00:00:54,234 --> 00:00:56,334
Frisbee slobber.
6
00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:57,467
Bad Ajax!
7
00:01:01,934 --> 00:01:03,734
Wiener! Wie-ner!
8
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:06,901
Who wants to buy my wiener?
9
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,601
Noel Coward's got
nothing on this duck.
10
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,234
Salmagundi for Charles,
11
00:01:11,267 --> 00:01:12,501
rumaki for Mambo,
12
00:01:12,534 --> 00:01:13,934
couscous for Ajax...
13
00:01:13,968 --> 00:01:15,100
Oh, my.
14
00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:17,734
Duckman's sandwich
is covered with ants
15
00:01:17,767 --> 00:01:20,601
and dirt
and shards of broken glass
16
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:22,601
and discarded razor blades.
17
00:01:22,634 --> 00:01:24,267
Mommy! Mommy!
18
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:27,501
Mommy, I fell
and hurt my knee.
19
00:01:27,534 --> 00:01:28,801
Uh... well...
20
00:01:28,834 --> 00:01:30,234
(whimpering)
21
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,567
Oh, don't cry, pumpkin.
22
00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:34,367
You hurt your kneesy-weesy?
23
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,267
Let's look
at your wittle weg.
24
00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:37,868
Oh, I don't see
any bruise here.
25
00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:39,667
That's my arm.
It is?
26
00:01:39,701 --> 00:01:42,901
You mean I've been walking
on my arms all this time?
27
00:01:42,934 --> 00:01:45,701
(laughing)
28
00:01:45,734 --> 00:01:48,601
See? That wasn't so bad.
29
00:01:48,634 --> 00:01:50,267
Why, I bet it doesn't
hurt at all.
30
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:52,934
Child snatcher!
Baby thief!
31
00:01:52,968 --> 00:01:54,734
I-I-I was
just helping her.
32
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:56,801
She must have thought
I was you.
33
00:01:56,834 --> 00:02:00,033
Hmm... Baby Sally is
desperately nearsighted
34
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:03,033
and you did do a good job
of cleaning her knee.
35
00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:04,501
I'm sorry.
36
00:02:04,534 --> 00:02:07,234
You must be
a loving mother yourself.
37
00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:08,567
A mother?
38
00:02:08,601 --> 00:02:10,701
Well, technically I...
39
00:02:10,734 --> 00:02:12,367
No.
40
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,934
High priestess of Satan!
41
00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:19,200
"I love you, Mother."
42
00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:20,701
"Mom, we love you."
43
00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:23,634
"I'd love you as muchas my actual life-giving mother
44
00:02:23,667 --> 00:02:25,634
if such a thingcould be possible."
45
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,167
(groans)
46
00:02:29,534 --> 00:02:31,100
Raising my
sister's children
47
00:02:31,133 --> 00:02:33,067
I feel like a mother, I...
48
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:34,968
They treat me like their mother
49
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,100
but deep down, I know I'm not.
50
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,334
I'm something less.
51
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,434
Oh, listen to me blather on!
52
00:02:40,467 --> 00:02:43,167
If there's one thing
we modern women believe in
53
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,334
it's that a female
doesn't need a child
54
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:46,834
to make her life complete.
55
00:02:46,868 --> 00:02:48,701
So tell me--
what's new with you?
56
00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:50,267
I'm pregnant!
57
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:52,133
I had triplets last week.
58
00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:54,434
I think my water just broke!
59
00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:57,334
My loving family,
60
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,934
I've gathered you here
this evening
61
00:02:59,968 --> 00:03:02,400
for a very special
announcement...
62
00:03:02,434 --> 00:03:05,234
(grunting)
63
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:08,400
(burps)
64
00:03:08,434 --> 00:03:09,634
Sorry I'm late.
65
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,801
You know how crazy
the '90s workplace is.
66
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:14,367
Paperwork... uh, staples.
67
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,300
That doesn't explain
the grass skirt.
68
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:19,467
Oh, like I'm the only one here
who likes to unwind
69
00:03:19,501 --> 00:03:23,200
by watching topless, shimmying,
pre-pubescent Polynesians?
70
00:03:23,234 --> 00:03:24,567
Who's with me on this?
71
00:03:27,734 --> 00:03:29,234
Well, now that Duckman
72
00:03:29,267 --> 00:03:31,434
has disgracedus
with his presence
73
00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:33,734
I have something
I'd like to share.
74
00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:37,334
Ah! More kielbasa
from Passover.
75
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:40,100
Shut up, you quackhead!
76
00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:44,234
(calmly):
After months of deliberation
77
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:48,100
I have decided to listen
to my inner yearnings
78
00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:50,334
and have a child!
79
00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:51,334
(screams)
80
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:52,701
(cheering)
81
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:54,100
Oh, wow!
82
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:55,000
Aunt Bernice, great.
83
00:03:58,033 --> 00:03:59,734
(giggling goofily)
84
00:03:59,767 --> 00:04:01,801
Bernice, we can't
afford another kid.
85
00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:03,334
Things are
already so tight
86
00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:05,100
Ajax and I have
to share a bed.
87
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:08,567
What? I get scared
during thunderstorms.
88
00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:11,601
Look, I'm putting my foot down
and I say no more rug rats!
89
00:04:11,634 --> 00:04:14,400
Well, I'm putting
my foot down, too,
90
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:17,467
and I say that if I want
to have a little baby
91
00:04:17,501 --> 00:04:21,634
with whom I can be a warm,
sensitive, loving, nurturing,
92
00:04:21,667 --> 00:04:25,901
caring, doting, adoring,
gentle and compassionate mother,
93
00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:29,567
it's none
of your frigging business!
94
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,834
Pass the crumb cakes.
95
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:37,667
Ajax, I'm touched
you'd wear a baby costume
96
00:04:37,701 --> 00:04:40,067
just to make me feel better.
97
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,167
Costume?
98
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,667
By the way, I just made
boom-boom.
99
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:47,934
Aunt Bernice, we're so happy
you've given voice
100
00:04:47,968 --> 00:04:49,734
to your natural urges.
101
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:51,334
Now, if we could
only keep Dad
102
00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:52,667
from doing the same.
103
00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:55,100
(laughing and howling)
104
00:04:57,033 --> 00:04:59,367
Remind me to have these
windows painted over.
105
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,501
(giggling continues)
106
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,801
Well, I'm off to find
107
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:04,334
a gorgeous, brilliant,
non-impotent man.
108
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:05,834
Be back by 10:00.
109
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:11,234
These church mixers
are wonderful.
110
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,667
One of you lucky fellas
will get to know me
111
00:05:13,701 --> 00:05:15,667
in the Biblicalsense
112
00:05:15,701 --> 00:05:18,601
as long as you're (a) single
113
00:05:18,634 --> 00:05:20,634
(b) tested
114
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:23,334
(c) willing to commit
115
00:05:23,367 --> 00:05:26,234
and (d) heterosexual?
116
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:28,400
Did I say "heterosexual"?
117
00:05:28,434 --> 00:05:30,467
I meant "breathing!"
118
00:05:30,501 --> 00:05:32,067
You both passed!
119
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:41,200
See anything
you like, Adonis?
120
00:05:41,234 --> 00:05:42,634
So it's true.
121
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:45,701
If you take too many steroids,
you do grow breasts.
122
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,000
(grunting)
123
00:05:49,033 --> 00:05:53,734
My darling Bernice, destiny
and a dating service united us.
124
00:05:53,767 --> 00:05:56,000
Eternity shall never divide us.
125
00:05:56,033 --> 00:05:58,267
Arnoud, you madman.
126
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,000
I am yours.
127
00:06:01,033 --> 00:06:03,334
Just out
of idle curiosity
128
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:07,634
does that CD player
feature multi-disk shuffle?
129
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:12,100
Thank you for
offering to test
130
00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:13,534
all my appliances for...
131
00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:14,934
What did you
call it again?
132
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:19,667
Um, electromagnetic magnoplasmic
mishmogmung...
133
00:06:24,434 --> 00:06:27,067
(romantic orchestra playing)
134
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,400
(groaning)
135
00:06:43,434 --> 00:06:44,968
Is your life without meaning?
136
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,167
Yes.
137
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,367
Are you a lonely woman
over the age of 18?
138
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,834
Or over 13 if currently residing
in the state of Mississippi?
139
00:06:50,868 --> 00:06:51,834
Yes.
140
00:06:51,868 --> 00:06:54,400
Do you feel like
a complete and total failure?
141
00:06:54,434 --> 00:06:55,667
Watch it!
142
00:06:55,701 --> 00:06:57,367
Well, we've got the cure
for what ails you.
143
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,100
One word: Sperm.
144
00:06:59,133 --> 00:06:59,901
Sperm?
145
00:06:59,934 --> 00:07:01,334
Yes, sperm.
146
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:02,701
Ladies, don'tclutter up your life
147
00:07:02,734 --> 00:07:04,767
with some sortof meaningless relationship
148
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:06,934
just to have a child.
149
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,133
At Simply Sperm,we eliminate the middleman.
150
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,734
We're up to our necks in sperm.
151
00:07:10,767 --> 00:07:13,400
We're practicallygiving it away--
152
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:14,734
and we're talking high-quality,grade-A sperm
153
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,901
not the inferiorAustralian sperm
154
00:07:16,934 --> 00:07:18,634
that our competitors feature.
155
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:19,934
Get out of your rut.
156
00:07:19,968 --> 00:07:21,200
Change your life.
157
00:07:21,234 --> 00:07:22,834
Sperm.
158
00:07:22,868 --> 00:07:24,934
I'm coming!
159
00:07:24,968 --> 00:07:26,200
(yelling)
160
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:27,434
Sperm is for external use only.
161
00:07:27,467 --> 00:07:28,567
Simply Sperm brand sperm
162
00:07:28,601 --> 00:07:30,667
contains no less
than 50% actual sperm.
163
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,033
Do not operate heavy machinery
while using sperm.
164
00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,400
Not to be confused
165
00:07:34,434 --> 00:07:35,868
with the Sperm School
of Broadcasting.
166
00:07:35,901 --> 00:07:37,901
(Duckman yells)
167
00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:54,067
(phone ringing)
168
00:07:56,834 --> 00:07:57,834
Out of my way, missy.
169
00:07:57,868 --> 00:08:00,067
I've got a job to do.
170
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:04,734
When a boy's flying solo,
he needs his inspiration.
171
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:06,534
(laughs)
172
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:09,267
I can tell by the way
173
00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:11,033
you're eyeing
the emergency exit
174
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:12,100
you're experiencing
175
00:08:12,133 --> 00:08:13,300
some second thoughts.
176
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:14,300
That's normal,
177
00:08:14,334 --> 00:08:15,534
but rest assured
178
00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:17,033
our state-of-the-art
fertilization facility
179
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:19,234
employs only highly-
trained professionals.
180
00:08:19,267 --> 00:08:22,634
Look, Dr. Bubbles
is doing rounds.
181
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:25,033
Wait a second-- aren't you
the same sleazy con artist
182
00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:27,167
who sold my family a near-fatal
home security system
183
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,834
and administered an overpriced
funeral for my mother,
184
00:08:29,868 --> 00:08:31,767
even though
she wasn't even dead yet?
185
00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:33,067
It's been too long.
186
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:36,133
Terry "Duke" Tetzloff,
owner-slash-operator
187
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,901
of this little enchilada.
188
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,434
Diversification
is imperative
189
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:41,100
in today's
business climate.
190
00:08:41,133 --> 00:08:42,701
That's why I like
having my hands
191
00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:45,367
in many different things,
one of which is sperm.
192
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:49,200
And now, let
the impregnations begin!
193
00:08:49,234 --> 00:08:52,033
Wait a second-- don't I need
a physical first?
194
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:53,801
Actually, I went through the
trouble of performing one
195
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,133
while we were standing
here talking.
196
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,534
You passed.
197
00:08:56,567 --> 00:08:58,534
Look, Dr. Tetzloff...
198
00:08:58,567 --> 00:09:00,000
Sorry. By order
of the courts
199
00:09:00,033 --> 00:09:01,767
you can't call me
"doctor" anymore.
200
00:09:01,801 --> 00:09:03,367
A little tonsil/heart
extraction mix-up.
201
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,200
Amazing what a difference
six inches can make.
202
00:09:06,234 --> 00:09:08,434
Okay, Mr. Tetzloff.
203
00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:10,167
This is a very big step for me.
204
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:14,267
What kind of man will be
fathering my child?
205
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:17,167
Here's a little sperm
you may find interesting.
206
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,434
(sniffs)
Light, but not fruity.
207
00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:22,100
It's not often
you find a hint of nutmeg.
208
00:09:22,133 --> 00:09:23,701
And the donor is
209
00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:27,367
handsome, romantic, idealistic
enjoys water sports.
210
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,234
Water sports?
211
00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:31,567
I love wet athletes!
212
00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:35,767
I-I-I-I
213
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:36,834
I don't know.
214
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,434
It's such a
big decision.
215
00:09:38,467 --> 00:09:41,100
Maybe I better think
this out a little more.
216
00:09:41,133 --> 00:09:42,400
I understand.
217
00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:43,934
Weigh your options
carefully.
218
00:09:43,968 --> 00:09:45,367
Make a rational decision.
219
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,701
I hope my daughter grows up
to be just like you.
220
00:09:48,734 --> 00:09:51,267
You have a... daughter?
221
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,701
Little Susie,
aka the greatest thing
222
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:54,167
that ever happened to me.
223
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,834
In fact, she's here right now.
224
00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:00,801
Thank you, Daddy,
for giving me the gift of life.
225
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,934
You're welcome,
little Susie.
226
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:04,334
Oh, I could have been selfish
227
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:06,000
and not made the
reasonably priced
228
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:07,767
and relatively
pain-free sacrifice
229
00:10:07,801 --> 00:10:09,767
that brought you
into this world,
230
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:12,367
but then my life would be
devoid of meaning and direction.
231
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,400
It's amazing how happy
we've made one another.
232
00:10:15,434 --> 00:10:17,467
I love you, Daddy.
233
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:19,367
I love you,
Daddy.
234
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,400
(distorted):
I love you, I love you,
I love you, I...
235
00:10:22,434 --> 00:10:25,968
Uh, sometimes she
gets a little nervous
when in the throes
236
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,834
of life-affirming ecstasy.
237
00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:29,300
So, then
238
00:10:29,334 --> 00:10:30,601
what's it going to be?
239
00:10:30,634 --> 00:10:33,367
Giver of life, or
countdown to menopause?
240
00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:46,968
Mr. Tetzloff, fill 'er up.
241
00:10:49,934 --> 00:10:52,834
Let's see, you wanted that
special, priceless sperm.
242
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:55,000
Hey, Eddie,
you got any number 19 left?
243
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:04,801
Oh... be gentle with me.
244
00:11:08,033 --> 00:11:10,167
(tango music playing)
245
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:21,567
*
246
00:11:44,734 --> 00:11:46,667
(slurping)
247
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:52,667
Ah. Everyone, I want you to know
that I made
248
00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:55,334
the most important decision
a woman can make.
249
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:59,167
Today, I was inseminated.
250
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,033
All right!
You and Roseanne!
251
00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:04,534
Wow. I was thinking of going
into the priesthood too.
252
00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:06,701
Ajax, inseminated--
253
00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:07,968
at Simply Sperm.
254
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,400
Wait a minute-- you mean
the Simply Sperm sperm bank?
255
00:12:10,434 --> 00:12:11,400
Oh, you've heard of it?
256
00:12:11,434 --> 00:12:13,367
Heard of it?
I'm a card-carrying member.
257
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,868
That drive-thru window with
the strap-on pneumatic pump...
258
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:18,200
Huh-ho, so many memories.
259
00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:24,934
(laughing)
260
00:12:24,968 --> 00:12:27,334
Oh! Come on, what
was I thinking?
261
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:29,534
This receipt
says my donor is
262
00:12:29,567 --> 00:12:30,834
Handsome...
handsome...
263
00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:33,000
BOTH:
Romantic, idealistic...
264
00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:35,901
Enjoys water sports?
265
00:12:35,934 --> 00:12:37,534
In fact, I'm late for a date
right now.
266
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:43,367
Aar-gh!
267
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:44,801
Ah, did I miss something?
268
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:46,200
Not much, Dad.
269
00:12:46,234 --> 00:12:48,767
Just that Aunt Bernice
may be carrying your baby.
270
00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:52,534
Aar-gh!!!
271
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:57,834
Aargh?
272
00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:06,667
Aunt Bernice!
Aunt Bernice!
273
00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:08,701
Give us some sign
you're alive!
274
00:13:10,334 --> 00:13:11,067
That'll do.
275
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,067
(choking)
276
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:13,701
How could you
do this to me,
277
00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:15,934
you jaundiced,
right-handed gigolo?!
278
00:13:15,968 --> 00:13:17,100
Of all the inbreds
279
00:13:17,133 --> 00:13:19,400
to be going around
selling his sperm!
280
00:13:19,434 --> 00:13:20,400
Wait a second, selling?
281
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:22,000
I thought it was just
some kind of social club.
282
00:13:22,033 --> 00:13:24,767
You know, a bunch of guys
with similar interests
hanging out.
283
00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:26,501
Geez, figure
at a few bucks a pop,
284
00:13:26,534 --> 00:13:28,601
12 to 15 times a day,
seven days a week,
285
00:13:28,634 --> 00:13:31,067
take off that morning
for my wife's funeral...
286
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:33,234
I hate you, Duckman!
287
00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:34,901
Finally I'm having a baby
288
00:13:34,934 --> 00:13:36,534
and it's yours!
289
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:37,868
(crying)
290
00:13:42,601 --> 00:13:44,434
(doorbell rings)
291
00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:50,033
Corny, this isn't
really a good time.
292
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:52,968
My contract stipulates
I must appear in every episode
293
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,400
for at least ten seconds.
294
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,400
Oh. Work okay?
Fine.
295
00:13:56,434 --> 00:13:57,801
How's the wife?
Not married.
296
00:13:57,834 --> 00:13:59,000
Favorite Beatle?
Ringo.
297
00:13:59,033 --> 00:14:00,067
You know,
if you let me stay,
298
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:02,267
I can easily solve
whatever crisis you may...
299
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,267
(imitates buzzer,
slams door)
300
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,667
So, any more soup left?
301
00:14:04,701 --> 00:14:06,334
Dad, Aunt Bernice
needs you.
302
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:08,834
The creation of life
is a precious thing.
303
00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:11,334
An awesome
responsibility
for both of you.
304
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:12,534
How about crackers?
305
00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:14,634
Come on, Dad,
what are you going to do?
306
00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:15,968
Rip this family's heart out
307
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,467
and march around with it
on a stick?
308
00:14:17,501 --> 00:14:20,300
Or act as the same
caring, loving father
309
00:14:20,334 --> 00:14:22,701
to Aunt Bernice's baby
as you've been to us?
310
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:24,334
If you tell anyone
I said that,
311
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:26,801
I won't use deodorant
on my side for a month.
312
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:28,567
(Bernice sobbing and wailing)
313
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:29,734
Oh... okay.
314
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:32,000
I'll take care
of Mother Inferior.
315
00:14:32,033 --> 00:14:33,467
You two
take care of Ajax.
316
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:39,400
(gasping)
317
00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:44,434
(sobbing)
318
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,834
Bernice?
319
00:14:46,868 --> 00:14:48,834
Bernice, uh...
320
00:14:48,868 --> 00:14:51,801
look, maybe we don't always
see eye to eye, and...
321
00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:54,133
maybe we don't get along.
322
00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:56,601
Maybe I violently hate you
and everything you stand for,
323
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,934
but when does that
ever stop two people
324
00:14:58,968 --> 00:15:00,100
from having a baby?
325
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,100
Uh...
326
00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:02,634
I, uh...
327
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:05,734
I haven't really thought it
all through yet, but...
328
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:06,767
well, I...
329
00:15:06,801 --> 00:15:09,367
I guess I'm part of this, too,
you know.
330
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,801
In for a dime, in for a dollar.
(chuckles)
331
00:15:11,834 --> 00:15:13,934
And, uh... well, I...
332
00:15:13,968 --> 00:15:17,834
I'll try and do what I can
to support and care for ou...
333
00:15:17,868 --> 00:15:19,234
ou...
334
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:21,567
ou-our child.
335
00:15:21,601 --> 00:15:23,634
(sniffling)
336
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,901
Well, you-you-you think
about it.
337
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:27,968
I'll go now,
unless you say something,
338
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,934
in which case, I'll,
I'll stay right here.
339
00:15:30,968 --> 00:15:33,033
So, here I go.
340
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,968
I'm going.
341
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,334
Go am I.
342
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:40,734
My...
343
00:15:40,767 --> 00:15:43,834
my first Lamaze class
is tomorrow morning.
344
00:15:43,868 --> 00:15:46,234
Bernice, you can count on me.
345
00:15:46,267 --> 00:15:49,901
Nothing will prevent me
from being right by your side.
346
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:53,634
Don't worry.
347
00:15:53,667 --> 00:15:56,601
I'm sure the father
will be here any second.
348
00:15:56,634 --> 00:15:58,200
He just got... held up.
349
00:15:58,234 --> 00:16:00,234
I'm sure he'll be here, too.
350
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:01,467
But just in case,
351
00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:04,734
we have something for
just such an occasion.
352
00:16:05,701 --> 00:16:06,901
Meet Sven.
353
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:09,100
He used to crash-test Volvos.
354
00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:12,267
And he helped me through
a long and difficult labor
355
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:17,767
when my own spit-sucking pus-bag
of a husband got "held up"!
356
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:20,667
Everyone, embrace
your partner.
357
00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:24,834
(blowing whistle)
358
00:16:24,868 --> 00:16:27,100
All right,
somebody order a labor coach?
359
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,367
Whoa-ho, you the teacher?
360
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,801
I'd like to clap your erasers
after school.
361
00:16:30,834 --> 00:16:32,000
Hey, poppin' mamma.
362
00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:34,334
Want to see if we can
turn that into twins?
363
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:35,434
Sorry, beefcake.
364
00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:37,601
How was I to know
she was seeing someone?
365
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:38,968
There's my victim
of love.
366
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,300
Tried to get here sooner,
367
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:41,801
but I was catching
some quality TV time,
368
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,133
watching that movie Aliens.
369
00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:45,868
Don't you just love it when
the slimy, mucous-covered freak
370
00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:47,367
bursts out
of the lady's stomach?
371
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,534
(all gasping
and retching)
372
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:51,934
The partner must make sure
373
00:16:51,968 --> 00:16:55,100
every part of the mother's body
is relaxed--
374
00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:57,434
her arms, her legs,
her breasts.
375
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,167
If her breasts
were any more relaxed,
376
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,601
they'd be in the basement.
377
00:17:00,634 --> 00:17:03,934
To be sure, you have to touch
every part of her body.
378
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:04,934
Really?
379
00:17:04,968 --> 00:17:06,234
Anybody got a stick?
380
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:08,467
Imagine the child
381
00:17:08,501 --> 00:17:11,100
they're going to
bring into the world.
382
00:17:11,133 --> 00:17:14,701
We might as well alert
the Child Welfare Board now.
383
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,267
(snickering)
384
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:19,801
How dare you cast aspersions
on our child-rearing abilities
385
00:17:19,834 --> 00:17:23,367
you latte-licking, polo-playing,
range-roving, ER watching
386
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,801
J. Crew-cutted poseurs!
387
00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:27,767
Our baby's going to be
the handsomest, smartest,
388
00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:29,200
nonstupidest baby ever,
389
00:17:29,234 --> 00:17:30,701
and he or she's going to kick
390
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:32,868
your, he, she or its
pampered little butt!
391
00:17:32,901 --> 00:17:36,367
Come on, darling, let's
just have a Caesarean.
392
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:40,200
Duckman, you really do
want this baby, don't you?
393
00:17:40,234 --> 00:17:41,601
Yeah.
394
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:43,734
I guess I... I really do.
395
00:17:58,968 --> 00:18:02,234
(grunting)
396
00:18:08,434 --> 00:18:10,934
(woman crying)
397
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:12,234
(baby crying)
398
00:18:13,534 --> 00:18:15,200
Sorry, Great-
Grandma-Ma-To-Be.
399
00:18:15,234 --> 00:18:16,701
The woman carrying
my baby
400
00:18:16,734 --> 00:18:19,067
needs that easy chair
more than... (grunts) you.
401
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:21,667
Duckman, this really
isn't necess...
402
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,667
I beg to differ, little
mumsie tumsie woomsy soonsy.
403
00:18:24,701 --> 00:18:26,801
You got a big checkup tomorrow,
so sit back, relax
404
00:18:26,834 --> 00:18:29,367
and let Duckman prepare
for our Fetus DeMilo.
405
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,601
I have to childproof every
socket wedge, ledge and outhouse
406
00:18:31,634 --> 00:18:32,767
within a 30-mile radius,
407
00:18:32,801 --> 00:18:34,434
but before that,
I'll coat our walls
408
00:18:34,467 --> 00:18:36,267
in nonleaded,
spearmint-flavored paint.
409
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:38,133
You know, these past few days
410
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:41,501
I've started seeing your father
in a whole new light.
411
00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:43,667
(harp playing)
412
00:18:43,701 --> 00:18:45,534
At this pace,
in 30 years,
413
00:18:45,567 --> 00:18:48,367
I can work my way up
to idiot savant.
414
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,567
Bernicey,
how went the exam?
415
00:18:57,601 --> 00:18:59,901
With my seed, you had to pass
with flying placenta.
416
00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:01,667
Everything is
absolutely wonderful,
417
00:19:01,701 --> 00:19:02,667
smooth-sailing,
418
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:04,834
sunshine and
lollipops.
419
00:19:04,868 --> 00:19:06,734
A moment of your time.
420
00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:08,767
Before I can elaborate,
421
00:19:08,801 --> 00:19:10,734
I just need
a quick signature here,
422
00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:13,267
here, here and here.
423
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,100
Congratulations,
Mr. Duckman.
424
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:16,234
It's a boy?!
425
00:19:16,267 --> 00:19:18,167
Even better.
You're now the proud owner
426
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,801
of a two-and-a half
bath timeshare
427
00:19:19,834 --> 00:19:21,501
in beautiful
Laughlin, Nevada.
428
00:19:21,534 --> 00:19:22,934
Let me go fetch
your receipt
429
00:19:22,968 --> 00:19:25,067
and complimentary
power of attorney forms.
430
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,901
Oh, and before I forget,
the insemination didn't take.
431
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:30,200
Didn't take?!
What are you saying, Doc?
432
00:19:30,234 --> 00:19:31,334
My gun's shooting blanks?
433
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,133
My gas ain't leaded?
My juice isn't loose?
434
00:19:33,167 --> 00:19:35,400
My piston's not pumping?
My jack's not hammering?
435
00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:37,834
Mr. Duckman, no one's
questioning your virility.
436
00:19:37,868 --> 00:19:40,367
In fact, I can smell
your testosterone from here.
437
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,234
It's just that I've never seen
a sperm and egg so incompatible,
438
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:45,434
so outright hostile
toward one another.
439
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:47,367
Take a look-see.
440
00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:54,434
Sad, I know.
441
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:57,067
The whole shebang
down the fallopian tubes.
442
00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:59,434
Well, modern medical ethics
dictate that I tell
443
00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:01,367
the prospective mother
the bad news.
444
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,968
Unfortunately, it's nap time.
445
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,000
(snoring)
446
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:11,534
BERNICE
Look around you, Duckman.
447
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:14,234
The whole world's
taken on a new glow.
448
00:20:14,267 --> 00:20:15,901
Bernice, there's
something I...
449
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:16,901
Duckman!
450
00:20:16,934 --> 00:20:18,234
I felt the baby kick!
451
00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,434
Feel.
452
00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:22,334
That's just your pimento
loaf sundae talking.
453
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:26,300
Duckman, is there
something... wrong?
454
00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:27,801
The, uh...
455
00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:30,334
insemination.
it...
456
00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:31,834
it didn't take.
457
00:20:31,868 --> 00:20:33,868
It...
458
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:35,334
didn't?
459
00:20:37,033 --> 00:20:40,534
Maybe it just wasn't
meant to be.
460
00:20:40,567 --> 00:20:42,234
Still...
461
00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:45,868
I've wanted this baby
so badly.
462
00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:49,801
Duckman, I did
so many stupid things.
463
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:51,667
Fell for the wrong guys,
464
00:20:51,701 --> 00:20:55,701
turned to Tetzloff and
his seedy sperm bank.
465
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:56,934
Who would've thought
466
00:20:56,968 --> 00:20:58,567
you'd be the
one good thing
467
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:00,200
about the whole
experience?
468
00:21:00,234 --> 00:21:01,467
You know, Bernice,
469
00:21:01,501 --> 00:21:03,834
we could always try again
the natural way.
470
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:05,367
The way God meant it to be.
471
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,234
Both of us drunk
out of our minds
472
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,267
and fantasizing
about somebody else.
473
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:12,467
I guess we can go back to
the way we were before--
474
00:21:12,501 --> 00:21:14,467
hating each
other's guts.
475
00:21:14,501 --> 00:21:18,167
Dismissing each other
with venomous insults.
476
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,701
(half-heartedly):
You yellow-colored jerk.
477
00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:23,901
You... too-busy meany.
478
00:21:23,934 --> 00:21:26,400
Maybe it's
for the best.
479
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:29,167
Besides, I'm not sure
the world is ready
480
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,133
for any more
little Duckmen.
481
00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:35,601
(evil cackling)
482
00:21:35,634 --> 00:21:39,601
(Tetzloff screaming)
483
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:48,434
(laughter and screaming
continues)
484
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:53,334
(Tetzloff screaming)
33922
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