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1
00:00:01,801 --> 00:00:03,067
( door creaking )
2
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,100
( whistles )
3
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:37,634
( quacks )
4
00:00:37,701 --> 00:00:39,634
( loud crunching )
5
00:00:41,334 --> 00:00:45,767
Not only is the cereal chock-
full of plastic-y goodness,
6
00:00:45,834 --> 00:00:48,934
but I find the toy
to be most engaging.
7
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,334
DUCKMAN:
Whoo-hoo!
8
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,334
Hee! No breakfast
for this champion!
9
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,634
Yours truly
10
00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:56,868
has finally collected
100 proofs of purchase from
11
00:00:56,934 --> 00:00:59,501
Li Yum's Topless Pornographic
Chinese Food Emporium,
12
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:02,367
and I'm now entitled
to two free steamed buns
13
00:01:02,434 --> 00:01:05,234
specially prepared and presented
( whooping )
14
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:06,968
by topless female chefs!
15
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:08,968
Aren't you
forgetting
something?
16
00:01:09,033 --> 00:01:10,367
I don't think so.
Opera glasses,
17
00:01:10,434 --> 00:01:12,634
bail money, hung-yung-guy jokes,
spermicide-treated bib.
18
00:01:12,701 --> 00:01:14,634
Stick 'em back in
your pants, duckhead!
19
00:01:14,701 --> 00:01:15,901
You're forgetting that
20
00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:19,367
today is your day
to take care of...
21
00:01:19,434 --> 00:01:20,868
( farting )
22
00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:23,000
Nuh-uh! No way!
23
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:24,934
Not if you tied my tongue
to your tailpipe
24
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,434
and dragged me
80 miles an hour naked
25
00:01:26,501 --> 00:01:27,934
over a field of broken glass.
26
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,334
Intriguing, but does it have
27
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,334
to be your tongue
I tie to the tailpipe?
28
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,467
But this isn't fair!
29
00:01:33,534 --> 00:01:35,400
It can't be my turn again!
30
00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:36,801
I just baby-sat Grandma-Ma
last week!
31
00:01:36,868 --> 00:01:38,801
You used her as an anchor
32
00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:40,634
to keep your car cover
from blowing away!
33
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,400
Hey, I paid six bucks
for that thing.
34
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:44,400
Stuff it,
you feathered road apple!
35
00:01:44,467 --> 00:01:46,400
I've been telling you
about this for days.
36
00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:48,501
Here's your list
of things to do.
37
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,868
Grandma-Ma gets one worm
suppository every two hours,
38
00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:52,334
her carbuncle salve
39
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,334
and ear-hair trim
every three hours
40
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,934
and Epsom salt rectal-rash
cleansings as needed.
41
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,367
Wait a minute.
That's it?!
42
00:01:59,434 --> 00:02:00,934
You're all off
to your glamorous lives
43
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,634
while I'm stuck
holding the old bag?
44
00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:04,801
You know what a problem
she's been lately!
45
00:02:04,868 --> 00:02:07,367
You can't turn away long enough
to watch a bra commercial
46
00:02:07,434 --> 00:02:09,501
without her getting
into some kind of trouble.
47
00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:12,067
You're exaggerating.
48
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,667
Now do it, or they'll
be identifying you
49
00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,267
by your dental records!
50
00:02:16,334 --> 00:02:17,334
Ta-ta!
51
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,334
( door closes )
52
00:02:22,634 --> 00:02:24,567
( groans )
53
00:02:30,667 --> 00:02:31,801
( plate smashing )
54
00:02:31,868 --> 00:02:32,801
( whimpers )
55
00:02:35,968 --> 00:02:38,133
( crying )
56
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,367
( doorbell buzzes )
57
00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:41,834
( gasps )
58
00:02:41,901 --> 00:02:43,300
WOMAN:
Excuse me, sir.
59
00:02:43,367 --> 00:02:44,901
Salvation can be yours
60
00:02:44,968 --> 00:02:47,701
if you spare a few minutes
for a missionary.
61
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:49,801
Hallelujah!
62
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:50,901
Missionary will be just fine,
63
00:02:50,968 --> 00:02:52,834
long as it ends
in an East Highland squat
64
00:02:52,901 --> 00:02:53,834
with a Polish dismount.
65
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:55,100
Save me, sister!
66
00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:58,667
Lay your hands upon me
and let the healing begin.
67
00:03:01,234 --> 00:03:02,868
Okay, it worked!
68
00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:04,267
I'll stop going
door to door,
69
00:03:04,334 --> 00:03:05,901
bothering people
at their homes.
70
00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,234
W-W-Wait! I was serious!
71
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:08,267
And I'm very religious!
72
00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:09,701
I know all six
of the commandments
73
00:03:09,767 --> 00:03:11,334
and I'm a big fan
of Oral Roberts!
74
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,601
I see her 25 cent loops
75
00:03:12,667 --> 00:03:15,067
in the art theater
by the airport all the time.
76
00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:18,334
And thank you so much
for coming.
77
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,701
You can count on
my tithings.
78
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,000
What's going on here,
Duckman?
79
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,501
Where's Grandma-Ma?!
80
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,300
Bernice, please.
Have a little faith.
81
00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:27,934
Grandma-Ma practically
takes care of herself...
82
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,100
( tires squealing,crash )
83
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:32,033
( Bernice screams )
84
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:33,033
( chuckles )
85
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,267
...in her own unique way.
86
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:40,734
Piece of advice--
based on my experience,
87
00:03:40,801 --> 00:03:42,267
your mother may
have reached a point
88
00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:43,801
where she's not
safe at home.
89
00:03:43,868 --> 00:03:46,534
In my opinion, she might be
better off in a rest home.
90
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:49,567
What?! No mother of mine
is going to a rest home!
91
00:03:49,634 --> 00:03:50,901
Now, Bernice, hold on.
92
00:03:50,968 --> 00:03:52,567
You might want to
hear the man out--
93
00:03:52,634 --> 00:03:54,534
and my only motivation
in saying that
94
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:58,000
is to get that smelly old sow
out of my friggin' hair!
95
00:03:58,067 --> 00:04:00,834
Damn sodium pentothal
flashbacks.
96
00:04:00,901 --> 00:04:01,834
( screams )
97
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:03,934
Wait! Aunt Bernice!
98
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,601
Let's hope this becomes
another repressed memory,
99
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,300
but we actually
agree with Dad.
100
00:04:08,367 --> 00:04:09,300
What?!
What?!
101
00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:10,701
As the only male figures
102
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,634
who can be counted on
for their family's survival,
103
00:04:13,701 --> 00:04:15,300
Charles and I face
mounting responsibilities
104
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:16,968
which prevent us
from giving Grandma-Ma
105
00:04:17,033 --> 00:04:18,934
the help and care she
so rightly deserves.
106
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,868
Plus, I've
reached the age
107
00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:22,868
where most of
my waking hours
108
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:24,167
are devoted to--
109
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:26,767
how to put this
in acceptable terms--
110
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,934
working the wiggler.
111
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:32,567
Look, I know Grandma-Ma's
a lot of work
112
00:04:32,634 --> 00:04:34,200
but we can't
just ship her off.
113
00:04:34,267 --> 00:04:35,901
Besides,
this family can tend to her
114
00:04:35,968 --> 00:04:37,567
as well as any
health care professionals.
115
00:04:37,634 --> 00:04:39,133
Right, Grandma-Ma?
116
00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:44,667
I guess it wouldn't hurt
117
00:04:44,734 --> 00:04:47,567
to check out
a few nursing homes.
118
00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:57,901
DUCKMAN:
who says the elderly
can't be useful?
119
00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:59,400
This place
looks ideal, Bernice.
120
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,601
Activities galore
and it's affordable.
121
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:04,200
Back to the pit,
Liebermann!
122
00:05:04,267 --> 00:05:06,400
What?! I'm not one of
your incontinent inmates!
123
00:05:06,467 --> 00:05:07,501
I'm Duck--
( muffled yelling)
124
00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:10,067
( muffled screaming )
125
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:11,300
Let's get
out of here!
126
00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:12,434
My mother's
not staying
127
00:05:12,501 --> 00:05:14,567
at any place that
would take Duckman.
128
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:21,300
( man wheezing )
129
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:27,167
WOMAN:
At Campo 'D' Nile, you're
as young as we say you are.
130
00:05:27,234 --> 00:05:29,567
That's why we insist
our residents--
131
00:05:29,634 --> 00:05:31,968
or "dudes" and "babes,"
as we call 'em--
132
00:05:32,033 --> 00:05:34,467
live life to the fullest!
133
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,734
Chest pains...
134
00:05:36,801 --> 00:05:39,033
need heart pills.
135
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,300
Oh, catch a wave,
Mr. Tupperman!
136
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:45,000
It's nothing a little
bungee jumping can't cure!
137
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:46,033
( screams )
138
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:49,701
And I think
we have a vacancy!
139
00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:57,501
It's beautiful,
but where are all the residents?
140
00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:58,567
( chuckles )
141
00:05:58,634 --> 00:06:00,167
The, uh, residents. Yes.
142
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:01,734
Um... we here
143
00:06:01,801 --> 00:06:03,200
at Soylent Greens
144
00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:07,100
have found the proper place
for the elderly in our society--
145
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,067
"nourishing," shall we say,
146
00:06:09,133 --> 00:06:11,334
the younger
and healthier among us.
147
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,000
Please enjoy our
complimentary buffet.
148
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,701
Ooh!
149
00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:20,167
( retching )
( retching )
150
00:06:20,234 --> 00:06:23,234
What? You act like
it's someone you know.
151
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,667
( family continues retching )
152
00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:31,067
( all sniffling and sobbing )
153
00:06:32,234 --> 00:06:33,534
Don't worry, Mom.
154
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,100
You're going to love
Happydale.
155
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:39,534
I think this is the hardest
thing I've ever done,
156
00:06:39,601 --> 00:06:41,534
but when I was growing up,
157
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:44,267
you made sure I had
the best care.
158
00:06:44,334 --> 00:06:46,767
I just want
the same for you.
159
00:06:46,834 --> 00:06:49,234
I hope you
understand.
160
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:51,634
And I think I speak
for everyone
161
00:06:51,701 --> 00:06:54,734
when I say nobody really
wants to see you go.
162
00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:56,067
( car horn honks )
163
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:58,267
Shake a leg, Grammy!
The meter's running!
164
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:02,868
Look, you and I have had our
differences in the past.
165
00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:05,667
I haven't been that
attentive a son-in-law.
166
00:07:05,734 --> 00:07:08,767
Sometimes, I put my pleasure
before your needs. D-ah!
167
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:11,634
Well, a little late
to change now.
168
00:07:11,701 --> 00:07:13,934
A couple of free
steamed buns
169
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,901
a la nude,
coming up!
170
00:07:19,033 --> 00:07:20,501
Ah.
171
00:07:23,534 --> 00:07:24,968
Oh, no!
172
00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:26,100
This is horrible!
173
00:07:26,167 --> 00:07:27,601
Somebody stole my car!
174
00:07:27,667 --> 00:07:28,934
And my CD player!
175
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,033
And my new Vac-U-Jac!
176
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,934
And my matching drink holders!
177
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,734
And my custom floor mats!
178
00:07:35,801 --> 00:07:37,400
Ah! Oh, no, no, no!
179
00:07:37,467 --> 00:07:38,934
I didn't even realize!
180
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,000
How could I have missed it?!
181
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:43,601
They took
my beanbag hump caddie, too!
182
00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:44,801
And my ashtrays!
183
00:07:44,868 --> 00:07:46,200
And my sun visor!
184
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:47,934
And my maps and dice
185
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,434
and my compass
that always points east!
186
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,267
Grab my Wendy Whoppers
contoured soap-on-a-rope
187
00:07:57,334 --> 00:07:59,067
and I'm on a freighter
to the Galapagos
188
00:07:59,133 --> 00:08:01,901
faster than you
can say... Bernice!
189
00:08:01,968 --> 00:08:04,334
(yawning):
Well, I know I'm bushed.
190
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,801
I'll just be heading
off to bed.
191
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:06,834
Grandma-Ma loves
the new home.
192
00:08:06,901 --> 00:08:08,200
Couldn't fart
enough about it.
193
00:08:08,267 --> 00:08:10,300
And now, since you know
everything there is to know
194
00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:11,701
about everything
there is to know
195
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:12,968
toodle-oo and cheerio.
196
00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:16,501
The rest home
called ten minutes ago
197
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:19,367
wondering where
Grandma-Ma was.
198
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,000
Oh, right!
199
00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:23,167
( laughing )
200
00:08:23,234 --> 00:08:24,601
It's actually
quite a funny story,
201
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:26,434
once you get past
all the tragic elements
202
00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:27,667
and overriding
sense of doom.
203
00:08:27,734 --> 00:08:28,701
Duckman!!
204
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:30,601
Okay! All right!
I got out of the car
205
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:34,100
to... to...
save this, uh...
206
00:08:34,167 --> 00:08:37,067
orphan-- yeah, from that, uh,
fire at that, uh, place
207
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:38,701
where the orphans stay,
and when I turned around,
208
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:40,133
Grandma-Ma and the
car were gone.
209
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,968
But don't you worry a hair
on your pretty little back,
210
00:08:42,033 --> 00:08:43,767
I read somewhere you can
drop 'em off 100 miles away,
211
00:08:43,834 --> 00:08:45,033
and they'll sniff
their way home.
212
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,267
Oh, Duckman--
213
00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:49,334
silly-mixed-up-possibly-
seconds-left-to-live-Duckman--
214
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,968
I think you're
confusing Grandma-Ma...
215
00:08:51,033 --> 00:08:52,367
with a dog!
216
00:08:53,434 --> 00:08:55,701
We're talking
about my mother!
217
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:57,100
And if you prefer keeping
218
00:08:57,167 --> 00:08:59,067
those limbs,
appendages and orifices
219
00:08:59,133 --> 00:09:04,834
exactly where they are,
you'll find her, pronto!
220
00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:07,400
This is it, Corny-- the place
where the nightmare started
221
00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:09,701
where this whole
unavoidable tragedy began.
222
00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:12,067
Where someone was trying
to get a few free baked buns
223
00:09:12,133 --> 00:09:14,501
while leaving an old woman
unattended in the car,
224
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:15,601
in a bad neighborhood,
225
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:17,033
with the keys
still in the ignition,
226
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,868
the engine idling,
and the doors unlocked?
227
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,033
Not even close.
228
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,534
The buns were steamed.
229
00:09:21,601 --> 00:09:24,367
Now, if we could get
back to reality.
230
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:31,434
All right, Gecko, time to earn
your Christmas bowl of water.
231
00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:33,601
Here's a piece of cloth from
one of Grandma-Ma's dresses,
232
00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:35,067
reeking with
her tangy bouquet.
233
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:36,200
Do your stuff, fella.
234
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:37,534
He's got the scent, Corny.
235
00:09:37,601 --> 00:09:39,434
He's found her trail.
236
00:09:39,501 --> 00:09:40,968
( cows mooing )
237
00:09:41,033 --> 00:09:42,067
( sniffing )
238
00:09:42,133 --> 00:09:43,267
I don't get it, Corny.
239
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:44,534
Why would Grandma-Ma
come out here
240
00:09:44,601 --> 00:09:46,100
to the backwoods
of Vermont?
241
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:47,200
( gasps )
242
00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:51,200
Howdy! You boys
from Guinness?
243
00:09:51,267 --> 00:09:53,234
I knew you'd show up
one day.
244
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,567
Well, there she is--
245
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:56,767
the world's largest
pile of dung.
246
00:09:56,834 --> 00:09:59,534
Taken me 46 years
to collect it.
247
00:09:59,601 --> 00:10:01,534
Lost a wife in the process.
248
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:05,167
She never understood how,
sometimes, all a man has
249
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:08,767
is what he puts together
with his own two hands.
250
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,100
Lemonade?
251
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:13,801
DUCKMAN:
Trail's cooling, Corny.
252
00:10:13,868 --> 00:10:16,934
If only we knew
where she was right now...
253
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,300
if only there were some way
254
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:22,901
to visually recap
what exactly happened...
255
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:28,434
( farts )
256
00:10:37,467 --> 00:10:39,400
( train whistle blowing )
257
00:10:43,968 --> 00:10:46,934
( laughter and cheering )
258
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,701
( conga music playing )
259
00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:50,701
( all whooping )
260
00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:53,734
( radio playingromantic music )
261
00:10:55,968 --> 00:10:57,734
( yawns )
262
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:11,000
( farts )
263
00:11:37,634 --> 00:11:39,067
( panting )
264
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,567
The congo.
265
00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:42,901
This time,
Gecko's gone too far.
266
00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:44,400
Can't go on.
267
00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:45,901
Pack too heavy.
268
00:11:45,968 --> 00:11:47,801
Good-bye, old friend.
269
00:11:47,868 --> 00:11:50,334
Okay, I'll carry
the curly straws.
270
00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:52,901
( clicking tongue )
271
00:11:54,033 --> 00:11:55,234
( clicking tongue )
272
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:58,801
( clicks"Shave and a Haircut" )
273
00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:00,968
( laughing )
274
00:12:01,033 --> 00:12:03,968
Just a little Kikuyu
I picked up
275
00:12:04,033 --> 00:12:05,734
while eavesdropping
during bus rides to work.
276
00:12:05,801 --> 00:12:07,734
This is Gubando, leader
of the Methusalada
277
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:10,801
a tribe built entirely upon
reverence for the elderly.
278
00:12:10,868 --> 00:12:12,167
The elderly?!
279
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:14,200
Of all the ridiculous,
boneheaded, ignoramus things
280
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,567
to build a tribe on.
281
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:16,934
He also speaks English.
282
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,734
That is not one of them--
in fact,
283
00:12:19,801 --> 00:12:21,067
I'm sure old
guano and me
284
00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:23,300
share a healthy appreciation
for older women.
285
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:25,400
I always say the older the
cushion, the better the...
286
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:27,734
( nervous laugh )
287
00:12:27,801 --> 00:12:29,701
We'll-We'll swap
stories later.
288
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:33,234
To us, age is an accomplishment,
not a flaw.
289
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:37,367
We admire the elderly
for their wisdom and experience.
290
00:12:37,434 --> 00:12:38,734
Of course,
like any other society,
291
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:41,200
we experience
discrimination based on age.
292
00:12:41,267 --> 00:12:43,934
For instance, it's
much harder to get
a good job in this tribe
293
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,133
if you're under 60.
294
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,834
And here is
our temple of worship.
295
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:51,367
Many years ago,
a prophet predicted
296
00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:54,467
that a goddess would
float down the river
297
00:12:54,534 --> 00:12:58,968
and yesterday,
that goddess arrived.
298
00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:00,300
Grandma-Ma!
299
00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:03,467
Hey, listen, Giuseppe,
that's no goddess.
300
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:06,901
That's my mother-in-law,
and we're taking her with us.
301
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:09,567
( screams )
302
00:13:14,934 --> 00:13:17,634
Our ancestral home
of 10,000 years,
303
00:13:17,701 --> 00:13:18,968
destroyed!
304
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:22,501
Thank heavens for that condo
in Fort Lauderdale.
305
00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:38,400
Corny,
Corny, Corny!
306
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:40,100
I'm all for
taking liberties,
307
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:42,200
but it happens to be
against the law
with unconscious women,
308
00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:44,133
at least, according to
that uptight judge
who gave me...
309
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,000
Duckman, she's been frozen
for an extended period of time.
310
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:48,634
I'm not getting a heartbeat.
311
00:13:48,701 --> 00:13:50,701
What are you
talking about?
312
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:52,701
Cornfed, wh-why
are you, uh...?
313
00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:54,133
I'm sorry, Duckman.
314
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,601
Grandma-Ma is dead.
315
00:13:57,901 --> 00:13:59,834
Dead?
316
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:06,534
( crying )
317
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:13,501
( sighs )
318
00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:15,467
( jaunty whistling )
319
00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:18,734
Oh, that's great.
320
00:14:18,801 --> 00:14:20,167
Why don't we all just sit around
321
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:21,534
and point fingers
at one another,
322
00:14:21,601 --> 00:14:24,334
trying desperately to figure out
who's to blame?
323
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:25,734
ALL:
You're to blame.
324
00:14:25,801 --> 00:14:27,067
Okay, that was fun.
325
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:29,000
Though I was thinking
it would take a tad longer.
326
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:31,767
Look, I'll have you know,
I cared about her too,
327
00:14:31,834 --> 00:14:33,300
and because I did,
I was on my way out
328
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:35,734
to personally make all
the funeral arrangements myself.
329
00:14:35,801 --> 00:14:38,100
I want to make sure Grandma-Ma
gets the respectful
330
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:40,400
and dignified sendoff
she deserves.
331
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,567
Top o' the morning
to ya.
332
00:14:46,634 --> 00:14:49,267
I'm looking for something
in the affordable range.
333
00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:51,300
Maybe a buy-the-cardboard,
built-it-yourself kind of thing
334
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,567
or some sort of group discount--
maybe cut us a deal
335
00:14:53,634 --> 00:14:55,434
if we bury her with
a busload of Shriners
336
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:56,834
that went off a cliff
or something.
337
00:14:56,901 --> 00:14:57,868
Hey, I know you.
338
00:14:57,934 --> 00:14:59,400
You sold me that home
security system
339
00:14:59,467 --> 00:15:01,400
that almost killed
my whole family!
340
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,868
"Almost" doesn't do me
a lot of good here,
now, does it?
341
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,033
( laughing )
342
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:07,367
Tetzloff.
Terry "Duke" Tetzloff.
343
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:09,934
And I'm on to new
horizons, Mr. Duckman,
344
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,267
due to a valuable lesson I've
learned about today's world.
345
00:15:12,334 --> 00:15:14,267
There is no security anymore--
346
00:15:14,334 --> 00:15:16,834
only all kinds of ugly, painful
347
00:15:16,901 --> 00:15:19,534
and completely random ways
to die.
348
00:15:19,601 --> 00:15:21,734
Well, enough shop talk--
back to your grief
349
00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:24,000
and what you're
willing to spend on it.
350
00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:25,467
Uh, listen, normally,
I wouldn't cheap out
351
00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:26,901
on something as public
as a funeral.
352
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,033
Excellent!
353
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,234
Most people think
how much they spend
354
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:30,834
on someone's funeral
355
00:15:30,901 --> 00:15:33,234
shows the rest of the
world how much they
loved the deceased
356
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,234
when they were
still alive.
357
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,400
They do?
358
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:36,667
Absolutely!
359
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:38,467
Of course, those
people are afraid
360
00:15:38,534 --> 00:15:39,934
they could never
live down the guilt
361
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,434
of a lifetime of
shabby treatment
362
00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:44,601
which perhaps may have even
been somehow responsible
363
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:46,167
for the person's death.
364
00:15:46,234 --> 00:15:47,801
( clearing throat )
365
00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:49,534
Losers.
366
00:15:49,601 --> 00:15:52,467
So, uh, just out of
morbid curiosity, of course,
367
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:55,234
is there something
you show those people
when they come in?
368
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:58,000
( celestial music plays )
369
00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,334
"Death Rest Deluxe."
370
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,968
An entire package,
including flowers, candles,
371
00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:03,334
a complete make-over
for the corpse
372
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,901
at Rodin's of Beverly Hills
373
00:16:04,968 --> 00:16:07,834
a short, whimsical little film
on the dearly departed's life
374
00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:10,400
done in Emmy Award-winning
Claymation,
375
00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:11,968
and an appearance
by a dignitary--
376
00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:14,234
this month's special
being Andy Rooney
377
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:16,601
for an extra $20,000--
378
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:18,367
$30,000 if you don't
want him to speak.
379
00:16:18,434 --> 00:16:20,033
Can we do any better
on the price of the speaker?
380
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,834
Well, for 58 bucks plus
bus fare, you can get
Joe Piscopo.
381
00:16:22,901 --> 00:16:24,968
Done and done.
I'll take the works
382
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,601
but only if you throw in
383
00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:28,300
one of those neat little
refrigerator magnets
shaped like a coffin.
384
00:16:28,367 --> 00:16:30,868
Ha, you're too shrewd
for me, Mr. Duckman.
385
00:16:30,934 --> 00:16:32,501
Spend in peace.
386
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,334
Oh, this is so horrible.
387
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:42,467
Oh, it was
such a tragic demise
388
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,267
and can you believe it?
389
00:16:44,334 --> 00:16:46,267
The beast who's
actually responsible
390
00:16:46,334 --> 00:16:48,868
for that poor woman's
death is here.
391
00:16:48,934 --> 00:16:50,400
( sobbing )
392
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:52,067
Which one is he?
393
00:16:52,133 --> 00:16:54,167
I'm pretty sure
it's the pig.
394
00:16:55,334 --> 00:16:57,000
Well,
now that everyone's gathered
395
00:16:57,067 --> 00:17:01,667
shall we let
the mourning begin?
396
00:17:01,734 --> 00:17:04,501
In this hour of sadness,
397
00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:06,834
it warms my heart
to see before me
398
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,834
my mother's many relatives.
399
00:17:09,901 --> 00:17:14,734
Friends... killers...
400
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,534
I'd like to start by sharing
401
00:17:16,601 --> 00:17:20,133
some fond remembrances
of Grandma-Ma.
402
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,334
As you know,
she was born in...
403
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,334
( snoring )
404
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,033
What do I miss most
about her?
405
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:32,834
I remember I left her outside
in the rain once.
406
00:17:32,901 --> 00:17:34,033
( all gasp )
407
00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:35,434
She got wet and stinky,
408
00:17:35,501 --> 00:17:37,701
and goo started
coming out of her ears.
409
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:38,868
( all gasp )
410
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,033
So I threw her real hard
up against the wall.
411
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,033
( all gasp )
412
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:43,334
Ajax, I think you're
413
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,400
confusing Grandma-Ma
with your Mr. Bunny Doll.
414
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:48,400
Oh. Right.
415
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:49,801
Grandma-Ma.
416
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:52,801
I remember I left her
outside in the rain once...
417
00:17:52,868 --> 00:17:54,801
Well, this has been touching.
418
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:56,200
Do we have any more sad
419
00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:58,868
and/or pathetic memories
anyone would like to share?
420
00:17:58,934 --> 00:18:01,033
How about you,
Mr. Duckman?
421
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:02,801
Well, okay.
422
00:18:02,868 --> 00:18:05,167
I guess I can talk about, uh...
423
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:06,834
that time at my wedding.
424
00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:09,033
It was, of course,
a beautiful day.
425
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:10,868
I was the epitomeof class and distinction.
426
00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:12,834
Lawd have mercy.
427
00:18:12,901 --> 00:18:14,567
Good gawd, y'all.
428
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:17,167
Let's y'all get up
and get down
429
00:18:17,234 --> 00:18:18,834
by doing the "Funky Duckman."
430
00:18:18,901 --> 00:18:21,834
* You let your down down,
you thrust your pelvis, huh *
431
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:23,834
* You thrust your pelvis, huh *
432
00:18:23,901 --> 00:18:25,834
* You thrust
your pelvis, huh *
433
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:27,834
* You thrust your pelvis, huh. *
434
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:29,834
Then Grandma-Ma came overand whispered
435
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,133
the strangest thing in my ear.
436
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,067
She said, "Eat more cheese."
437
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:34,968
I didn't know what she meant,so I continued
438
00:18:35,033 --> 00:18:36,467
my unique,Bob Fosse-like styling.
439
00:18:36,534 --> 00:18:38,067
* You thrust your pelvis, huh *
440
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,801
* You thrust
your pelvis, huh *
441
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,634
* You thrust your pelvis, huh,
you thrust your pelvis, huh *
442
00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:42,701
* You thrust
your pelvis, huh *
443
00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:43,801
*You thrust your pelvis, huh *
444
00:18:43,868 --> 00:18:45,467
* You thrust your pelvis,
huh... *
445
00:18:47,868 --> 00:18:52,300
Wait a second-- Grandma-Ma
didn't say, "Eat more cheese."
446
00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:53,734
She said something just like it.
447
00:18:53,801 --> 00:18:55,801
It's easy to see how
I could've confused the two.
448
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:59,200
Duckman, even though
almost everyone else
449
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:02,200
sees you as just some
psychotic street urchin,
450
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,601
you're not fooling me.
451
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,801
This horribly obnoxious
act of yours
452
00:19:05,868 --> 00:19:07,133
is merely a defense.
453
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,801
Deep down, you feel
454
00:19:08,868 --> 00:19:11,801
you're not deserving
of anyone's love.
455
00:19:11,868 --> 00:19:13,167
Well, you're wrong.
456
00:19:13,234 --> 00:19:15,167
Welcome to our
family, Duckman.
457
00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:17,801
You are loved.
458
00:19:23,634 --> 00:19:25,501
She... loved me.
459
00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:27,100
Grandma-Ma loved me
460
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:28,834
but, now she's gone.
461
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,434
What the hell?
462
00:19:30,501 --> 00:19:32,100
Sorry. Hated to wake you
from your reverie.
463
00:19:32,167 --> 00:19:34,534
You've been standing there
for almost an hour.
464
00:19:34,601 --> 00:19:38,501
It turns out you need a license
to run a funeral home,
465
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:40,234
so I set up
this video arcade instead.
466
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:43,567
You'll have to leave now,
you're scaring the children.
467
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,200
( crying )
468
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:50,501
( bass voice ):
* Let one go, sweet Grandma-Ma *
469
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:54,200
* You're gassing 'em in heaven
right now... *
470
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:59,400
* Let one go, sweet Grandma-Ma *
471
00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:04,200
* You're gassing 'em in heaven
and how... *
472
00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:07,200
( humming )
473
00:20:07,267 --> 00:20:08,567
Wait! I didn't say good-bye!
474
00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:10,868
I didn't tell her I loved her,
475
00:20:10,934 --> 00:20:13,868
and all this time, she loved me.
476
00:20:13,934 --> 00:20:18,567
( sobbing )
477
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:19,901
Good-bye,
Grandma-Ma.
478
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:21,234
We'll never
forget you.
479
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:24,968
Nor you, Dad.
480
00:20:25,033 --> 00:20:26,734
I'm sorry, Grandma-Ma!
481
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:28,868
I'm sorry for leaving you
in the car
482
00:20:28,934 --> 00:20:31,567
and for using you to prop
the garage door open
483
00:20:31,634 --> 00:20:35,133
and for making you the backstop
at the boys' baseball games...
484
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,601
( deep rumbling )
485
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:46,834
You're alive!
486
00:20:46,901 --> 00:20:49,434
( farting )
487
00:20:49,501 --> 00:20:53,033
This is wonderful! The whole
family's back together!
488
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:55,200
( Duckman screaming )
489
00:20:59,067 --> 00:21:01,200
What was the Great Beyond
like, Grandma-Ma?
490
00:21:01,267 --> 00:21:03,400
Did you go down
a long, white tunnel?
491
00:21:03,467 --> 00:21:06,267
Was Casper truly
as friendly as they say?
492
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:08,667
Kids, my guess is Grandma-Ma
was never really dead.
493
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:10,901
She was merely
cryogenically frozen
494
00:21:10,968 --> 00:21:12,667
into a state of
suspended animation,
495
00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:15,234
and, as contrived
and convenient as it sounds,
496
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:16,434
it took several days
497
00:21:16,501 --> 00:21:18,501
for her to come around
after she thawed.
498
00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:20,300
Who cares?
Grandma-Ma's back
499
00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:22,200
and we're never
going to send her away again.
500
00:21:22,267 --> 00:21:24,968
I'm sure the only reason
she'd been so difficult lately,
501
00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:26,667
was because
we were ignoring her.
502
00:21:26,734 --> 00:21:28,834
( coughing )
503
00:21:28,901 --> 00:21:31,767
And I, Duckman,
ignored her worst of all
504
00:21:31,834 --> 00:21:33,501
callously forgetting
how she really felt.
505
00:21:33,567 --> 00:21:35,033
Forgive me, Mother-In-Law.
506
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:39,767
Now, in honor of your return,
I offer this celebratory dance.
507
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:41,767
* You let your down down *
508
00:21:41,834 --> 00:21:44,601
* You thrust your pelvis, huh,
you thrust your pelvis, huh *
509
00:21:44,667 --> 00:21:45,801
* You thrust
your pelvis, huh *
510
00:21:45,868 --> 00:21:47,501
* You thrust
your pelvis, huh *
511
00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:48,534
* You thrust your
pelvis...*
512
00:21:48,601 --> 00:21:50,300
GRANDMA-MA:
I hate that guy.
513
00:21:50,367 --> 00:21:52,100
* Huh! You thrust
your pelvis, huh... *
514
00:21:52,167 --> 00:21:53,534
* You thrust your pelvis,
huh*
515
00:21:53,601 --> 00:21:54,968
* You thrustyour pelvis, huh *
516
00:21:55,033 --> 00:21:56,000
* You thrust... *
37859
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