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1
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:10,901
(quacks)
2
00:00:10,968 --> 00:00:13,701
CHARLES:
Mail call!
3
00:00:13,767 --> 00:00:15,067
Dad got a package.
4
00:00:15,133 --> 00:00:16,467
(karate yell)
5
00:00:16,534 --> 00:00:17,634
Hmm.
6
00:00:17,701 --> 00:00:20,133
A videotape
in a plain brown wrapper.
7
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:21,601
(gleeful chuckling)
8
00:00:21,667 --> 00:00:23,133
From the boys' school!
9
00:00:24,601 --> 00:00:26,667
Willkommen, bienvenue,
10
00:00:26,734 --> 00:00:28,434
und also...
(chuckles)
11
00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:29,868
...howdy.
12
00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:33,467
I'm Dr. Bud von L�wenbr�u,
school psychologist
13
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,234
with an urgent message
about Ajax, Charles
14
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:37,534
und Zamboni.
15
00:00:37,601 --> 00:00:39,434
You'd at least think
he could get their names right.
16
00:00:39,501 --> 00:00:40,868
Which one did he miss?
17
00:00:40,934 --> 00:00:42,667
Enough with the chitten-chatten.
18
00:00:42,734 --> 00:00:44,767
They are becoming disruptive,
19
00:00:44,834 --> 00:00:47,634
displaying antisocial behavior
in the class.
20
00:00:47,701 --> 00:00:52,167
Simply put, your kinder
are developmentally immature.
21
00:00:52,234 --> 00:00:53,968
Nobody calls my kinder immature
22
00:00:54,033 --> 00:00:55,601
without getting their house
TP'd.
23
00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:58,634
Mein advice-- a live-in tutor
24
00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:00,834
to attempt to bring
their development up
25
00:01:00,901 --> 00:01:02,267
to that of children
26
00:01:02,334 --> 00:01:05,801
whose parents are actually
caring about them.
27
00:01:05,868 --> 00:01:07,167
Danke schon.
28
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:14,400
(doorbell buzzes)
29
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:16,267
(coughs)
30
00:01:16,334 --> 00:01:17,601
(doorbell buzzes)
31
00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:18,934
Mmm...
32
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:19,934
(doorbell buzzes)
33
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,601
(slurping)
34
00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:22,767
(doorbell buzzes)
35
00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,234
* Ooh! *
36
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:26,234
(doorbell buzzes)
37
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,467
What was wrong
with that one?
38
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:31,534
Duckman, he was wearing
an "I Heart Satan" T-shirt.
39
00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:32,801
Bernice, I'm shocked.
40
00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:35,200
Discriminating on the basis
of religion.
41
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:36,434
(chicken clucking)
42
00:01:36,501 --> 00:01:38,200
Once he finishes sacrificing
that chicken,
43
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:39,200
he could sue.
44
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,000
(knocking)
45
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,434
Hello. You are looking
for tutor?
46
00:01:43,501 --> 00:01:47,734
Ya-ho! Ho! You bet your
French roll in the hay we...
47
00:01:47,801 --> 00:01:49,968
Uh... I mean, oui, oui.
48
00:01:50,033 --> 00:01:51,234
Ah, bien.
49
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:53,200
I could not read the address
50
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:56,000
because of the smeared
chicken entrails.
51
00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:58,667
I am liking to apply
for the position.
52
00:01:58,734 --> 00:02:01,000
Actually, there's
quite a few positions
we could talk about.
53
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:02,767
Let me grab my kamasutra.
Ow!
54
00:02:02,834 --> 00:02:05,133
I'm Bernice and
this is Duckman.
55
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,334
Bernice...
56
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,501
Monsieur Homme de Canard,
57
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:11,067
je suis Regine Poulet.
58
00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:15,901
So... Regine, what's
your educational background?
59
00:02:15,968 --> 00:02:19,200
I have a doctorate in education
from la Sorbonne.
60
00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:20,234
You know...
61
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,100
If this ends in
a sore bone joke,
62
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:24,067
it'll cost you
three broken ribs.
63
00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:25,067
Never mind.
64
00:02:25,133 --> 00:02:26,567
If you are hesitant,
65
00:02:26,634 --> 00:02:29,601
you need only try me
for one afternoon.
66
00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:31,634
I can start with the pet.
67
00:02:31,701 --> 00:02:33,801
Here, nice doggy, doggy.
68
00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:35,367
Play dead, gecko.
69
00:02:36,467 --> 00:02:40,534
(playing "Taps")
70
00:02:40,601 --> 00:02:41,767
Heel, gecko.
71
00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:45,167
Solve, gecko.
72
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,467
Wow. And that's TV Guide.
73
00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:53,067
Impressive, but the real problem
is Charles and Mambo.
74
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:55,801
Lately, they just won't
do a thing they're told.
75
00:02:55,868 --> 00:03:01,434
Oh, madame, I become erect
with pride for a challenge.
76
00:03:01,501 --> 00:03:03,501
Very good, Charles.
77
00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:05,467
Cadmium
is the only element
78
00:03:05,534 --> 00:03:07,667
to fit the formula
for a fusion reaction
79
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:09,734
in an inert metal.
80
00:03:09,801 --> 00:03:11,767
Excellent, Mambo.
81
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:14,000
Synecdoche
is the figure of speech
82
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:16,234
by which the name of a material
is substituted
83
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,234
for the actual thing it makes.
84
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:20,167
Splendide, Ajax.
85
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:23,467
It is the pointy end
that writes.
86
00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:27,868
I must say, Regine,
I like what I see.
87
00:03:27,934 --> 00:03:29,234
(clears throat)
88
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:31,767
Boys, show Regine
to your father's room.
89
00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:34,400
BOYS:
All right!
90
00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:36,067
My room?! Ho, ho!
91
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,434
I lay odds, I'm going
92
00:03:37,501 --> 00:03:39,133
to lay more than odds.
(grunts)
93
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,667
Excuse me, Bernice. Today's menu
calls for a little French dip.
94
00:03:42,734 --> 00:03:44,667
Listen up,
you walking spermatozoa!
95
00:03:44,734 --> 00:03:47,234
As long as she's in this house,
you sleep on the couch,
96
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:48,300
and that's only because
97
00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:50,567
there's no more room
under the freeway.
98
00:03:50,634 --> 00:03:52,567
Go near her for any reason
99
00:03:52,634 --> 00:03:54,701
other than genuine interest
in the boys,
100
00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:57,033
and you'll be sorry!
101
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,367
(fake moaning)
102
00:03:58,434 --> 00:04:00,300
I'm shaken. Do your worst!
103
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:01,834
By the way, what's in the box?
104
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:03,167
My worst.
105
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:06,133
In here are just some
of the disgusting items
106
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,501
you have accumulated
107
00:04:07,567 --> 00:04:09,934
in a lifetime
of depraved debauchery.
108
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,434
I've buried the rest
in a safe place.
109
00:04:12,501 --> 00:04:15,601
If you subject
that poor, innocent girl
110
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:21,133
to one comment, one grope,
one drop of drool,
111
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,968
I will burn, rip, melt and pop
your entire treasure trove!
112
00:04:28,734 --> 00:04:30,267
(groaning)
113
00:04:30,334 --> 00:04:32,200
Must control self.
114
00:04:32,267 --> 00:04:35,334
Only wayto get sex stuff back
115
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,000
is not to think about sex.
116
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:38,868
Would be fascinated by irony
117
00:04:38,934 --> 00:04:41,601
if I didn't want to ripthat flimsy blouse
118
00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:42,801
off her heaving...
119
00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:43,801
(yells)
120
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:46,567
Much... better.
121
00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:47,868
Oh, Regine,
122
00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:50,501
everything is delicious.
123
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:53,067
You are just wonderful.
124
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:54,300
Oh, no, no, no.
125
00:04:54,367 --> 00:04:58,634
Bernice, it is you
who are wonderful.
126
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:03,601
(both coughing
and clearing throats)
127
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:06,100
Can I tempt you
with my potatoes?
128
00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:08,601
(lusty moaning)
129
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:09,934
Ahem!
130
00:05:12,467 --> 00:05:15,400
Oh, monsieur, take it quickly.
131
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:17,434
Oh, the tray is so heavy.
132
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:19,667
(moaning)
133
00:05:19,734 --> 00:05:20,767
(yells)
134
00:05:23,534 --> 00:05:25,334
(relieved sigh)
135
00:05:26,667 --> 00:05:27,667
(sighs)
136
00:05:29,734 --> 00:05:30,734
(sighs)
137
00:05:31,601 --> 00:05:33,767
(snoring)
138
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:34,934
Excusez-moi.
139
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,033
(yells)
140
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,267
I'm sorry to be making
to wake you.
141
00:05:38,334 --> 00:05:40,834
I am hungry and le fruit bowl,
142
00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:43,234
she's on top
of the refrigerator.
143
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:44,334
I cannot reach.
144
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,901
I am straining and groaning,
145
00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:52,267
my body pressing against
the cold refrigerator
146
00:05:52,334 --> 00:05:53,801
as my nipples...
147
00:05:53,868 --> 00:05:55,801
Yeah, I'll, I'll get it.
Just...
148
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,033
All that's left are apples.
149
00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,701
An apple would be bon.
150
00:05:59,767 --> 00:06:04,000
Thank you and good night,
Monsieur Homme de Canard.
151
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:08,701
Kids, emergency!
I'm out of ice!
152
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:11,000
You still have
those hidden camera photos
153
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,467
of Aunt Bernice
shaving her back?
154
00:06:14,067 --> 00:06:16,734
Corny, this nanny's
changed our lives.
155
00:06:16,801 --> 00:06:18,100
The twins are behaving
and doing well in school,
156
00:06:18,167 --> 00:06:20,868
Ajax has stopped eating
out of the lawn mower bag,
157
00:06:20,934 --> 00:06:22,200
and best of all
158
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:24,300
I've been the very model
of a modern major gentleman.
159
00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:26,434
Feels good for once
to be able to say,
160
00:06:26,501 --> 00:06:29,534
"I did nothing wrong."
161
00:06:29,601 --> 00:06:30,734
That's a subpoena.
162
00:06:30,801 --> 00:06:33,234
You're being sued
for sexual harassment
163
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:34,601
by your kids' tutor.
164
00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:41,501
(muffled)
Sexual harassment?
165
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:42,734
I don't get it, Corny.
166
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:44,300
I keep going over
it again and again,
167
00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:45,801
and I didn't do a
single thing wrong.
168
00:06:45,868 --> 00:06:47,834
I can't possibly
be that oblivious.
169
00:06:47,901 --> 00:06:49,133
(man yelling, crashing)
170
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,300
GIRL:
The pope's
been hit!
171
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:52,968
I barely even
spoke to her!
172
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:54,901
Well, except last night when
I gave her that apple.
173
00:06:54,968 --> 00:06:56,033
Uh-oh.
174
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:57,868
"Uh-oh" as in "nice work"?
175
00:06:57,934 --> 00:06:59,834
No, as in you're screwed.
176
00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:01,834
In the Judeo-Christian
iconography
177
00:07:01,901 --> 00:07:04,467
the apple represents forbidden
fruit, the ultimate sin,
178
00:07:04,534 --> 00:07:06,834
implying a desire to engage
in the forbidden act,
179
00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:09,901
hence becoming a symbol
of the ultimate harassment.
180
00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:12,634
And they were such
a good source of vitamin A.
181
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:17,767
NEWSBOY:
Extra! Extra!
Read about Le Monstre!
182
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,801
ALL:
It's Le Monstre!
183
00:07:19,868 --> 00:07:21,667
Get him!
184
00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:23,234
(screams)
185
00:07:25,534 --> 00:07:27,067
I don't know
what's going on, Corny,
186
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:28,567
but if I go home,
Bernice will kill me.
187
00:07:28,634 --> 00:07:30,334
Looks like I'll have to stay
at your apartment for a while.
188
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,767
This week's bad.
189
00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:34,567
I'm, uh,
refinishing my basement.
190
00:07:34,634 --> 00:07:36,167
You don't even have a basement.
191
00:07:36,234 --> 00:07:37,501
I didn't say
it would be easy.
192
00:07:41,033 --> 00:07:43,234
(chuckles)
Uh, hi, ladies.
193
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:44,901
I know
a wonderful depilatory
194
00:07:44,968 --> 00:07:46,834
that'll get rid
of those mustaches.
195
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,300
Too confusing.
196
00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:52,067
It was just an apple.
197
00:07:52,133 --> 00:07:53,734
But I'm still a man,
198
00:07:53,801 --> 00:07:57,400
and no matter what,
I, as a man, won't stand
199
00:07:57,467 --> 00:07:59,567
for being mistreated
by a woman.
200
00:08:01,701 --> 00:08:03,067
Bernice, please!
201
00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:04,267
What makes you think
202
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:05,400
I would ever
do something like this?
203
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:07,734
The women you've
done it to before.
204
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:09,901
And these are just the ones
who could get the day off.
205
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:12,801
Regine, how could you?
206
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:15,467
I feel bad for making sue-sue,
207
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:19,834
but you make me feel,
as we say en Francais, "bad."
208
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:20,767
But, but...
209
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,000
The monster's
210
00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:24,100
making sexist comments
about her posterior.
211
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:25,767
Let's get him!
212
00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:28,767
(women clamoring,
Duckman screams)
213
00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:32,534
Bernice, it is
tres important to me
214
00:08:32,601 --> 00:08:37,167
that you of all peoples
not be upset with Regine.
215
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:39,467
I am ruining
Duckman's life.
216
00:08:39,534 --> 00:08:42,601
I know. I got you
a present for that.
217
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:48,300
Oh, a charm bracelet
with Jerry Lewis characters.
218
00:08:48,367 --> 00:08:51,000
Geisha Boy...Disorderly Orderly...
219
00:08:51,067 --> 00:08:54,167
Three on a Couch.
220
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:01,334
Oh, excuse me.
221
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:04,567
I am gagged
with emotion.
222
00:09:04,634 --> 00:09:06,534
Need air. Oh.
223
00:09:06,601 --> 00:09:08,701
Feeling faint.
224
00:09:08,767 --> 00:09:10,000
Ahh...
225
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:16,501
I really got to find a place
to store these things.
226
00:09:16,567 --> 00:09:19,434
Not that I'll need them anymore
227
00:09:19,501 --> 00:09:22,667
when I'm through
with you, Duckman.
228
00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:24,667
(laughing)
229
00:09:26,901 --> 00:09:28,701
Look at that.
230
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,601
What is that?
231
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:33,000
I am not an animal!
232
00:09:33,067 --> 00:09:36,167
I am not an animal!
233
00:09:38,801 --> 00:09:40,734
Well, okay,
I'm kind of an animal.
234
00:09:40,801 --> 00:09:42,033
I mean, a few of my features
are animal-like,
235
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,200
and I don't wear clothes
236
00:09:43,267 --> 00:09:45,367
and I smell a little outdoorsy
most of the time
237
00:09:45,434 --> 00:09:47,567
but I have a job
and I talk and stuff, too,
238
00:09:47,634 --> 00:09:48,834
so, when I say
I'm not an animal,
239
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:50,534
I think technically,
I'm on solid ground.
240
00:09:50,601 --> 00:09:52,868
(overlapping chatter)
That's true.
241
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:54,200
That makes sense.
242
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:55,501
I can't do it.
243
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:58,367
I can't do this to myself,
but where else can I go?
244
00:09:58,434 --> 00:10:00,367
The whole world hates me.
245
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,067
I've been sleeping
on the street for three days.
246
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:05,400
This is the only place left
that will take me in.
247
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:11,601
Fluffy, Uranus.
248
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,767
My two favorite...
whatever you ares.
249
00:10:13,834 --> 00:10:16,501
I was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd stop by
250
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,734
catch up on things,
maybe stay a few years.
251
00:10:18,801 --> 00:10:20,234
I have to.
252
00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:22,968
Your beloved boss has a problem.
253
00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:26,467
It seems
I have actually been accused
254
00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:28,267
of sexual harassment.
255
00:10:32,234 --> 00:10:34,868
I mean, what a shock!
256
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:36,067
You?
257
00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:39,234
Why, Mr. Duckman,
we're flabbergasted.
258
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,634
Of all people...
259
00:10:40,701 --> 00:10:41,968
That's better.
260
00:10:42,033 --> 00:10:43,767
So what are you waiting for,
a valet?!
261
00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:49,567
Who the hell
decorated this place
262
00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:51,834
Willy Wonka?
263
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,667
Look, I won't be here long.
264
00:10:53,734 --> 00:10:55,701
The only reason I'm letting you
two pastel pansies put me up
265
00:10:55,767 --> 00:10:57,467
is because I need
a place to stay
266
00:10:57,534 --> 00:10:58,667
till things blow over...
267
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,067
or until I hang myself
from a noose
268
00:11:00,133 --> 00:11:01,234
I weave out
of my own intestines,
269
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:02,367
whichever comes first.
270
00:11:02,434 --> 00:11:03,601
Mr. Duckman,
271
00:11:03,667 --> 00:11:05,934
perhaps you're
impaled on the horns
272
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,734
of this particular dilemma
273
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:11,234
because you haven't adapted
to our changing culture.
274
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:13,167
We can give you
a simple test
275
00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:16,200
to judge whether or not
your attitudes line up
276
00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:19,200
with the new guidelines
in the Regine Poulet Society.
277
00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:20,701
Dream on.
278
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,868
I never take a test
that isn't court-mandated.
279
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:24,100
This one's easy.
280
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:25,467
Number one--
281
00:11:25,534 --> 00:11:29,133
"females over the age of 18
are often called girls.
282
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,968
How should you
refer to them?"
283
00:11:31,033 --> 00:11:32,234
Sweet potato?
No.
284
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:33,467
Love socket?
No!
285
00:11:33,534 --> 00:11:36,133
Box lunch?
No. It's "women."
286
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,567
W-O-M-Y-N.
287
00:11:38,634 --> 00:11:39,901
Number two--
288
00:11:39,968 --> 00:11:41,534
"when you're on a date
289
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,634
when is it okay
to kiss her?"
290
00:11:43,701 --> 00:11:44,901
When her husband's gone?
No!
291
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:46,334
When the sore heals?
No!
292
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,167
After she passes out?
No!
293
00:11:48,234 --> 00:11:50,734
When she gives you
written permission
294
00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:53,667
certified by
a Regine-approved notary public.
295
00:11:53,734 --> 00:11:56,934
Let's move on to
the word association
296
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,567
part of the test.
297
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,868
Breasts.
Mr. Duckman,
we haven't start...
298
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:01,767
Breasts.
299
00:12:01,834 --> 00:12:04,033
Dog.
Breasts.
300
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,200
White.
Breasts.
301
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:06,901
Peanut butter.
Breasts.
302
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:08,400
Tanzania.
Breasts.
303
00:12:08,467 --> 00:12:09,801
Communism.
Breasts.
304
00:12:09,868 --> 00:12:10,968
Dolly Parton.
305
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:12,000
Bad hair.
306
00:12:13,868 --> 00:12:15,667
(both yawning)
307
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:17,300
Mr. Duckman,
308
00:12:17,367 --> 00:12:18,567
look at the time.
309
00:12:18,634 --> 00:12:20,601
Maybe we should
try this tomorrow.
310
00:12:20,667 --> 00:12:22,400
Fluffy and I
have to go to bed.
311
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:23,667
If you're not tired,
312
00:12:23,734 --> 00:12:25,801
you could watch
the incubation
313
00:12:25,868 --> 00:12:28,267
of the world's
last spotted finch eggs
314
00:12:28,334 --> 00:12:29,601
in our kitchen.
315
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:32,033
Or listen to
our rare 45
316
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,601
of Shaun Cassidy's
"Da Do Ron Ron"--
317
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:36,968
the only known copy
in existence.
318
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:39,000
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
friggin' day.
319
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:41,300
Tantalizing
as those prospects are
320
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:43,701
I think I'll hit
the sack myself.
321
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:47,267
Anywhere fine?
322
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,667
Nighty night, Uranus.
323
00:12:51,734 --> 00:12:53,400
Nighty night, Fluffy.
324
00:12:53,467 --> 00:12:56,501
BOTH:
Nighty night, Mr. Duckman.
325
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,501
(squeaking)
326
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:24,200
I can't live
with this lack of privacy.
327
00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,534
Go sleep outside!
328
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,701
Earlier today,
the Regine Poulet Society
329
00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:30,300
proposed a ban
on the sale of boysenberries
330
00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:33,501
until a genetically equal
girlsenberry is developed.
331
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:35,167
A language was renamed today.
332
00:13:35,234 --> 00:13:38,167
Thanks to
the Regine Poulet Society
333
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:41,234
Hebrew will
now be known as Webrew.
334
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:44,901
The Regine Poulet Society
charged a sewer worker
335
00:13:44,968 --> 00:13:46,467
with sexual misconduct
336
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,467
for referring to his manhole.
337
00:13:48,534 --> 00:13:49,567
(yelling)
338
00:13:51,534 --> 00:13:53,367
Oops.
339
00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:56,234
Well, TV plays much too large
a role in our lives anyway.
340
00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:57,334
Don't you think?
341
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,200
Mr. Duckman, you
didn't happen to see
342
00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:00,734
our last-of-
their-kind
343
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:03,467
spotted finch eggs,
did you?
344
00:14:03,534 --> 00:14:04,868
Oh. Yeah.
345
00:14:04,934 --> 00:14:05,901
(chuckles)
Couldn't find
the Pop-Tarts.
346
00:14:05,968 --> 00:14:08,901
Mr. Duckman, is that
"Da Do Ron Ron"
347
00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:10,234
on your backside?
348
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,601
Of course not.
349
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:14,400
I happen to be very conscious
of that sort of thing.
350
00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:15,734
Oh, the record.
351
00:14:15,801 --> 00:14:16,901
Yeah, I guess it is.
352
00:14:16,968 --> 00:14:18,267
And if that black vinyl
353
00:14:18,334 --> 00:14:20,567
stained any
of my butt feathers
354
00:14:20,634 --> 00:14:22,234
I'll be seeing
you two in court.
355
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,234
Mr. Duckman,
356
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:25,667
you've only been
here eight hours
357
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:28,667
and already, you've turned our
whole world topsy-turvy.
358
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:31,100
We spent the morning
burning your sheets
359
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:32,834
and your mattress
and the bed
360
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:34,601
and the carpet
around the bed
361
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:36,400
leading into the bathroom
362
00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:39,067
and the bathroom.
363
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:42,467
You have to treat people
with respect, Mr. Duckman
364
00:14:42,534 --> 00:14:44,701
whether it's what
you say to them
365
00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:46,767
or how you act
in their house.
366
00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:48,934
These eggs need
a little ketchup.
367
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,567
Is there anything else?
368
00:14:50,634 --> 00:14:52,601
As a matter of
fact, there is.
369
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:55,300
Get the (bleep) out
of here, Mr. Duckman.
370
00:14:55,367 --> 00:14:58,033
You deaf,
Mr. (bleep) cool?
371
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,767
Get the (bleep)
out of here
372
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:03,801
before we (bleep) tear
your (bleep) (bleep) off
373
00:15:03,868 --> 00:15:06,167
and shove 'em up
your (bleep) (bleep)!
374
00:15:20,167 --> 00:15:24,434
Ooh, that felt pretty
(bleep) good.
375
00:15:24,501 --> 00:15:25,934
Ooh!
Ooh!
376
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:30,934
Regine Poulet Society.
377
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,267
Regine Poulet Society.
378
00:15:32,334 --> 00:15:34,234
Hello,
Regine Poulet Society.
Regine Poulet Society.
379
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,100
Regine Poulet Society.
380
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,901
Regine Poulet Society.
381
00:15:37,968 --> 00:15:39,000
Regine Poulet Society.
382
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,200
Hello, Regine
Poulet Society.
383
00:15:41,267 --> 00:15:43,200
Fellow crusaders,
listen up!
384
00:15:43,267 --> 00:15:45,801
We need someone
at the post office at 1:00
385
00:15:45,868 --> 00:15:47,267
for the changing
of the term "mailman"
386
00:15:47,334 --> 00:15:48,601
to "person person."
387
00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:51,901
At 2:00, they're going
to erect... oops...
388
00:15:51,968 --> 00:15:54,434
um, put up a statue
of Regine at city hall
389
00:15:54,501 --> 00:15:57,167
and at 3:00,
I'll be flying to South America
390
00:15:57,234 --> 00:15:59,300
for the renaming
of Lake Titicaca.
391
00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:01,133
(applause)
392
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,634
I'm giving thank-yous
for your aid, Bernice.
393
00:16:04,701 --> 00:16:06,000
It is strange.
394
00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:08,267
With you,
I feel a bond
395
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:11,033
that is special...
tender...
396
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,267
Stimulating.
397
00:16:14,601 --> 00:16:15,701
Uh, uh, um...
398
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:16,834
(clearing throat)
399
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:18,234
uh, w-what
I mean is...
400
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,067
Bernice, you are okay?
401
00:16:20,133 --> 00:16:22,601
Okay? Well, uh, yes, yes.
402
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:25,267
I-I'm fine, except, except...
403
00:16:25,334 --> 00:16:29,033
Well, something strange
is happening.
404
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,300
I-I'm having feelings.
405
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:33,200
(clamoring)
406
00:16:34,968 --> 00:16:36,100
(nervous chuckle)
407
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:37,400
Anyone
can use a door.
408
00:16:37,467 --> 00:16:39,634
What the hell are
you doing here?!
409
00:16:39,701 --> 00:16:41,267
My kids are
in this house.
410
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,601
Can you imagine
how much they miss me?
411
00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:44,901
What's the
matter, Dad--
412
00:16:44,968 --> 00:16:46,300
did they seal
the peephole
413
00:16:46,367 --> 00:16:48,300
in the women's
bathroom at the park?
414
00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:49,400
(laughing)
415
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,667
My own children
turned against me!
416
00:16:51,734 --> 00:16:54,567
Well, don't think that
means you've won, Regine.
417
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:55,968
I'll have you know
418
00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:59,000
my children turn against me
on an almost weekly basis.
419
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:02,033
Besides, there's still someone
who'll stand beside me.
420
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:05,033
No matter how black the night
or how strong the storm
421
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,100
I still have
422
00:17:06,167 --> 00:17:07,434
my partner.
423
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:09,434
Here are the anti-
Duckman pamphlets
424
00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:10,834
you had me
print up. Oh...
425
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:12,000
Hi, Duckman.
426
00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:13,434
Boy, is my face red.
427
00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:15,334
Et tu, Cornfed?
428
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,801
Gesundheit.
429
00:17:16,868 --> 00:17:20,100
(goofy laughter)
430
00:17:20,167 --> 00:17:22,901
What? That line
always got a laugh
431
00:17:22,968 --> 00:17:24,334
on Mama's Family.
432
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,367
The Regine Poulet Society
has taught me
433
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:28,634
that men are shallow
and immature creatures
434
00:17:28,701 --> 00:17:30,033
whose sole purpose in life
435
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,934
is the satisfaction
of primal urges.
436
00:17:32,033 --> 00:17:33,934
Plus, they gave me
this neat t-shirt.
437
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,968
But what's so wrong
about what I did?
438
00:17:36,033 --> 00:17:38,067
I mean, sure,
I'm like any other guy.
439
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:40,267
I've made an occasional
offensive remark.
440
00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:42,100
67,418
reported incidents
441
00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:45,367
not including phone booths
and confessionals.
442
00:17:45,434 --> 00:17:47,267
Numbers never tell
the whole story!
443
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,767
The point is,
I happen to love women.
444
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,934
I love how they look,
I love how they talk,
445
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,067
and if I'm remembering
correctly, I love how they feel.
446
00:17:53,133 --> 00:17:55,701
And if I can't even say that
out loud anymore, I give up.
447
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:56,934
What's the use?
448
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,000
They can have
their sacrificial duck,
449
00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:00,601
because I don't care
about living in a world
450
00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:01,634
that takes away your right
451
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:04,567
to honestly
express your feelings.
452
00:18:04,634 --> 00:18:07,167
(chanting):
Kill the Duckman!
453
00:18:07,234 --> 00:18:09,000
Of course, I'm not married
454
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:11,467
to this whole
masses-decide-my-fate thing.
455
00:18:11,534 --> 00:18:13,300
(groaning)
456
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:15,067
Blacking out.
457
00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:17,367
Swoon. Down I go.
458
00:18:17,434 --> 00:18:19,167
Must be my potassium
deficiency.
459
00:18:19,234 --> 00:18:21,367
Here, have a banana.
460
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,067
You offered me a banana--
the phallic fruit?
461
00:18:23,133 --> 00:18:25,501
I'm uncomfortable
with what that implies.
462
00:18:25,567 --> 00:18:28,067
I'm going to sue you
for sexual harassment.
463
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,334
What? You can't.
464
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,133
I didn't mean anything.
465
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,300
Besides,
it can't be harassment.
466
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:34,901
I'm not even a...
467
00:18:34,968 --> 00:18:36,834
You're not even a what--
a woman?
468
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,634
That's right.
469
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:39,968
I had to appear
to abandon Duckman
470
00:18:40,033 --> 00:18:41,400
so I could infiltrate
your society
471
00:18:41,467 --> 00:18:44,234
because of a hunch I had
as to your real identity--
472
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:46,467
the broken French accent,
the unnaturally husky voice,
473
00:18:46,534 --> 00:18:47,734
the second-rate acting.
474
00:18:47,801 --> 00:18:51,067
You can only be one person--
Gerard Depardieu.
475
00:18:51,133 --> 00:18:52,234
(gasps)
476
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,567
King Chicken!
477
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:57,033
That was my second guess.
478
00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,100
This is amazing!
479
00:18:58,167 --> 00:18:59,200
I had no idea!
480
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:01,334
When did you start
doing nanny work?
481
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,033
I don't, you cretin.
482
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,267
It was all
part of a plan.
483
00:19:05,334 --> 00:19:07,567
I made that videotape
about your children
484
00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:10,000
to cajole you into hiring me
as their nanny,
485
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:12,968
knowing you'd cave in
at the slightest sniff of flesh
486
00:19:13,033 --> 00:19:15,501
but for the first time
in your miserable life
487
00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:17,367
you resisted
coming on to a woman,
488
00:19:17,434 --> 00:19:18,801
so I had
to entrap you
489
00:19:18,868 --> 00:19:20,701
and hold you up
to ridicule.
490
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:23,801
And why did I do it?
491
00:19:23,868 --> 00:19:27,367
CROWD:
Duckman made you an outsider
in grammar school,
492
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:31,200
so you wanted to make Duckman
an outsider in society.
493
00:19:31,267 --> 00:19:32,367
Ha-ha-ha.
494
00:19:32,434 --> 00:19:34,267
(monotonous clucking)
495
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,367
You're fans!
496
00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:37,701
Wait just a minute.
497
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:40,834
You mean, all this time
I've really been attracted
498
00:19:40,901 --> 00:19:43,067
to a vicious
and despicably evil man
499
00:19:43,133 --> 00:19:44,868
who almost destroyed Duckman,
500
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,467
and cruelly manipulated
millions of women
501
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,167
for his own personal gain?
502
00:19:51,968 --> 00:19:54,300
Thank heavens!
503
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:57,100
(chanting):
Choke the chicken!
Choke the chicken!
504
00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:59,634
Look, it's Clarence Thomas!
505
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,200
It doesn't matter.
506
00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:06,367
He's gone,
and this is over.
507
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:10,200
We've been wrong
to take out all our frustrations
508
00:20:10,267 --> 00:20:14,501
on a spineless, foul-smelling
sewer-mouth like Duckman.
509
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:16,067
Thank you, Bernice.
510
00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:19,067
Harassment is a horrible thing,
but maybe a few of us
511
00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:21,667
have started to see it
where it doesn't exist.
512
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:23,234
If we're too cautious
513
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:25,801
the passion, the spontaneity,
the risk-taking
514
00:20:25,868 --> 00:20:26,934
could be replaced
515
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,934
by meaningless,
stilted, robotic exchanges,
516
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,367
and we'll never recapture
the more interesting awkwardness
517
00:20:33,434 --> 00:20:35,868
that comes
from simple attraction.
518
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:38,300
I'm reminded
of an ancient parable...
519
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:39,968
...and, in closing
520
00:20:40,033 --> 00:20:43,334
I'd like to state
that only when we start
521
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,100
respecting each other
as human beings
522
00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:47,033
will we be able to get back
523
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:50,033
to openly expressing
our attraction
524
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:55,434
and being attracted
to whomever we want.
525
00:20:58,467 --> 00:21:00,133
I know.
They left hours ago.
526
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,701
I just had a few things
to work through.
527
00:21:04,634 --> 00:21:05,767
It's okay, Bernice.
528
00:21:05,834 --> 00:21:07,300
I heard what you said,
and you're right.
529
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,033
Women aren't just
objects to be ogled
530
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:10,501
and openly lusted after.
531
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:11,567
They're people--
532
00:21:11,634 --> 00:21:13,234
people that should
be treated
533
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:14,701
with dignity
and respect.
534
00:21:14,767 --> 00:21:16,634
People who shouldn't
be spoken to
535
00:21:16,701 --> 00:21:18,834
in the manner in which I've
spoken to them in the past.
536
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:20,567
Do you have
my box of smut
537
00:21:20,634 --> 00:21:23,567
and disgusting
sexual paraphernalia?
538
00:21:23,634 --> 00:21:25,601
I've seen the
light, Bernice.
539
00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:28,200
From now on,
there's only one answer.
540
00:21:28,267 --> 00:21:30,400
I'll confine my remarks
to inanimate objects.
541
00:21:30,467 --> 00:21:32,501
They can't sue.
542
00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:35,133
Check out the Grand Tetons!
Hoo-hoo, whee!
543
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,100
Hey, hey, mama, hard to believe
that tongue is attached.
544
00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:42,133
And what have we here,
my piece de resistance?
545
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,701
I'll-feel-ya air pods.
546
00:21:43,767 --> 00:21:46,834
Baby, I'm going to fly
your wide body.
547
00:21:46,901 --> 00:21:49,400
(imitating airplane engine)
548
00:21:51,467 --> 00:21:53,367
(imitating airplane engine)
38318
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