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1
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,968
(wolf whistles)
2
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,434
(quacks)
3
00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:43,634
DUCKMAN:
Oh! Unlucky seven.
4
00:00:43,701 --> 00:00:46,234
Dame fortune, she's
a cruel mistress.
5
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:47,801
Let's see, this
is your piece
6
00:00:47,868 --> 00:00:49,968
I do believe,
and you must move...
7
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,100
one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven spaces,
8
00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:53,767
which lands you
smack-dab in the middle
9
00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:55,267
of my rain forest
logging company.
10
00:00:55,334 --> 00:00:56,467
(passes gas)
11
00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:58,367
...which brings the grand total
you now owe me
12
00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:00,267
to $164,552.17.
13
00:01:00,334 --> 00:01:01,467
What the heck?
14
00:01:01,534 --> 00:01:02,901
Let's round it up
to an even 200.
15
00:01:02,968 --> 00:01:04,400
(passing gas)
What's that you say?
16
00:01:04,467 --> 00:01:06,667
"I couldn't pay that back
if we played a hundred games"?
17
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:10,033
Oh, my goodness,
what to do, what to do?
18
00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:12,300
Wait a minute!
A simple "X" on the dotted line,
19
00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:14,467
changing a few
irrelevant clauses
20
00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:15,734
in your will dealing with...
21
00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:17,133
Oh, Duckman.
22
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,834
You weren't trying
to worm your way
23
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,167
back into that will, were you?
24
00:01:20,234 --> 00:01:22,901
Why, Bernice,
I'm appalled.
25
00:01:22,968 --> 00:01:24,167
Good. Because
I've been given
26
00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:25,634
power of attorney
(grunting)
27
00:01:25,701 --> 00:01:28,300
and any effective plan to
do so would have to begin
28
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:31,033
with my sudden
and untimely death.
29
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:32,734
(both laughing)
30
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,667
Mm-hmm.
31
00:01:34,734 --> 00:01:37,834
Where did I put
that flak jacket?
32
00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:39,133
You want to see our project
(water sloshing)
33
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,033
for the corporate theme
science fair?
34
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,234
Tar Master cigarettes,
Vein Burster beer
35
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:45,334
and Splatco handguns
are sponsoring a category
36
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,133
called "Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms:
37
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,934
Other Things
Kill People, Too."
38
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,467
Hence, the Titanic.
39
00:01:50,534 --> 00:01:52,934
1,503 non-smoking,
non-drinking,
40
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,267
non-gunshot deaths.
41
00:01:55,334 --> 00:01:57,300
I thought this kind
of bloodsucking corporate greed
42
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,367
and hypocrisy
makes you boys sick.
43
00:01:59,434 --> 00:02:01,133
True, but there's a cash prize.
44
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,300
Hmm.
45
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:03,534
I'm going.
46
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:05,667
Maybe I should get a sitter,
and you can come with me.
47
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:07,634
What? You're inviting me
to have an evening out
48
00:02:07,701 --> 00:02:09,634
at the movies with you
and your friends?
49
00:02:09,701 --> 00:02:11,801
No, I'm inviting you
to circle my car
50
00:02:11,868 --> 00:02:13,567
around the block
for two hours.
51
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,400
Parking's miserable
at that theater.
52
00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:17,634
(tires screech, horn honks)
Eh, too late. They're here.
53
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:19,801
Make sure the kids eat
a balanced dinner, Duckman.
54
00:02:19,868 --> 00:02:21,534
Don't just order them some
Fat-N-Cholesterol Soaked Pizza
55
00:02:21,601 --> 00:02:22,934
then fall asleep on the couch
56
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,400
watching the string bikini
volleyball channel,
57
00:02:24,467 --> 00:02:26,434
allowing the three of them
to have the run of this place,
58
00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:30,000
like some masked terrorists
in a Middle Eastern city.
59
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,400
DUCKMAN:
You worry too much, Bernice!
(engine revving)
60
00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:36,701
(Middle Eastern music playing,
Duckman snoring)
61
00:02:38,133 --> 00:02:39,667
(on TV):
Ooh, my serve.
62
00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:42,601
Wait. I have to adjust
my bikini top.
63
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:44,367
(girls giggling)
64
00:02:44,434 --> 00:02:45,667
I'm just saying,
the more deaths,
65
00:02:45,734 --> 00:02:47,534
the better chance we have
of first place.
66
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:50,234
If we call this the Lusitania
instead of the Titanic,
67
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,100
our chances of winning
are increased tenfold.
68
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:54,501
A fallacious assumption,
69
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:56,734
since the Titanic had
a far greater death toll.
70
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,567
Lusitania!Titanic!
71
00:02:58,634 --> 00:02:59,968
Lusitania!
72
00:03:00,033 --> 00:03:01,767
(grunting and yelling)
73
00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:03,167
(gagging)
74
00:03:03,234 --> 00:03:04,601
(gasping)
75
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:06,133
Dad, Dad, wake up! Hurry!
76
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:09,567
What?
Bernice back already?
77
00:03:09,634 --> 00:03:10,701
No, Dad, it's mambo.
78
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,067
I suggest you call 911
79
00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:14,567
unless you want me to spend
the rest of my life
80
00:03:14,634 --> 00:03:16,734
attached to a gangrenous
lump of flesh.
81
00:03:16,801 --> 00:03:17,868
(shrieks)
82
00:03:17,934 --> 00:03:20,667
WOMAN:
Hello. Female fantasy hot line.
83
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:23,901
Heh-heh. Must have hit
redial by mistake.
84
00:03:23,968 --> 00:03:25,334
DUCKMAN:
Hello, 911?
85
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,400
This is going
to sound really farfetched,
86
00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:29,501
but somehow, the Titanic
has become lodged
87
00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:31,133
in my son's throat!
88
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,534
Don't worry, sir.
89
00:03:32,601 --> 00:03:35,767
Just stay calm,
and we'll save your son.
90
00:03:35,834 --> 00:03:37,667
Uh...
paper clips, ping-pong balls,
91
00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:40,634
Quincy scripts, Pekinese dogs,
RuPaul, ships.
92
00:03:40,701 --> 00:03:42,834
Andrea Doria, Lollipop, Minnow, Poseidon...
93
00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:44,334
Here we are-- Titanic.
94
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,767
Can you get ahold
of some ice?
95
00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,434
Ice. Got it. Now what?
96
00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:52,667
Pour the ice into his throat,
making sure
97
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:54,167
to hit the starboard bow
of the hull
98
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,434
below the waterline.
99
00:03:56,501 --> 00:03:58,868
Ice bag dead ahead!
100
00:04:00,567 --> 00:04:03,467
(metallic creaking, groaning)
101
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:05,167
(relived moan)
102
00:04:05,234 --> 00:04:06,801
It worked. He's okay.
103
00:04:06,868 --> 00:04:08,300
911 OPERATOR:
I'm so glad.
104
00:04:08,367 --> 00:04:10,100
Listen, before you go, I...
105
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:13,667
I have to tell you,
you have a beautiful voice.
106
00:04:13,734 --> 00:04:17,133
It's... well, I sort of talk
to a lot of women on the phone
107
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,734
but I've never heard
a voice like yours.
108
00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:20,934
Thank you.
109
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,234
Actually, you have a very nice
voice yourself
110
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:25,868
and you seem to be
a wonderful father.
111
00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:28,634
Well... good-bye.
112
00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:29,868
(dial tone)
113
00:04:29,934 --> 00:04:32,534
I just talked to an angel.
114
00:04:32,601 --> 00:04:33,968
(burps)
115
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,701
An angel, Cornfed!
116
00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:38,334
One phone call,and I was swept away.
117
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:39,667
(Fluffy and Uranus giggling)
118
00:04:39,734 --> 00:04:41,834
She is everything
I ever hoped for
in a woman!
119
00:04:41,901 --> 00:04:42,901
Low standards?
120
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,200
I'm keeping
my fingers crossed.
121
00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:45,501
It was incredible, Corny,
122
00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:47,634
the way she made me feel things
as I listened to her.
123
00:04:47,701 --> 00:04:49,200
Excuse me-- if this is
gonna get sordid...
124
00:04:49,267 --> 00:04:50,434
Emotions, okay?
125
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,467
I felt emotions,
the kind I never feel anymore
126
00:04:52,534 --> 00:04:55,067
and it's all
because of a voice--
127
00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:57,667
that sweet,
willowy reed of a voice.
128
00:04:57,734 --> 00:04:59,467
I want to do things
with her, Corny,
129
00:04:59,534 --> 00:05:00,601
fun things, exciting things.
130
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,100
I want to paint her living room!
131
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:03,734
I want to go
to the tar pits!
132
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:05,133
I want to surf!
133
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,067
So, are you going to spend
the rest of your life
134
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:09,033
waxing your own board,
or you gonna call her back?
135
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,701
I tried.
136
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:12,434
Her supervisor
won't give me her name.
137
00:05:12,501 --> 00:05:13,901
Some lame excuse
about a serial killer
138
00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:15,133
who's been following
911 operators home
139
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,901
and chopping them into thousands
of little pieces.
140
00:05:17,968 --> 00:05:19,300
One more overly cautious
reactionary
141
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:20,834
in a position of authority.
142
00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:22,234
Exactly!
I gotta find her!
143
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:24,501
I gotta figure out
some way of tracking her down.
144
00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:26,968
If only we knew someone
who was an expert
at that kind of thing.
145
00:05:27,033 --> 00:05:28,834
Duckman, take a look
at the sign on the door.
146
00:05:28,901 --> 00:05:29,834
Did we get evicted again?
147
00:05:29,901 --> 00:05:31,434
(raspy chuckling)
148
00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:33,400
You're incorrigible,
you big downy galoot.
149
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:34,901
I mean the sign that says
"private investigator."
150
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,100
If you want
to track her down,
151
00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:37,734
why not use
your detective skills?
152
00:05:37,801 --> 00:05:38,934
Don't toy with me,
Cornfed.
153
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,834
Why the hell would I want
to rely on those?
154
00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:41,834
Touch�.
155
00:05:41,901 --> 00:05:43,100
Too bad it's against the law
156
00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:45,334
to make dozens of 911 calls
till you find her
157
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,400
if you're not actually reporting
a real emergency.
158
00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:51,033
Hmm. Fluffy? Uranus?
159
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,934
What can we do for you,
Mr. Duckman?
160
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,033
An impersonation.
161
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,367
Of what?
162
00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:58,701
Drowning victims.
163
00:05:58,767 --> 00:06:00,534
(spluttering)
164
00:06:00,601 --> 00:06:02,400
My sons fell in the pool!
They're going under!
165
00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,200
WOMAN (raspy):
Okay. Stay calm.
166
00:06:04,267 --> 00:06:05,767
Is there a rope
you can throw 'em?
167
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:07,367
Do you have a cold?
No.
168
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,400
Forget it! They gotta learn
to swim sometime!
169
00:06:13,467 --> 00:06:15,734
* Love American style *
170
00:06:15,801 --> 00:06:18,634
* Truer than the red,
white, and blue *
171
00:06:18,701 --> 00:06:22,634
* Love American style *
172
00:06:22,701 --> 00:06:27,501
* That's me and you *
173
00:06:27,567 --> 00:06:30,067
* Love American style *
174
00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:33,701
* Truer than the red,
white, and blue *
175
00:06:33,767 --> 00:06:36,934
* Love American style *
176
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,367
* That's me and you. *
177
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:43,834
So what if I quit.
178
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:45,567
Light it!
There's nothing to lose.
179
00:06:45,634 --> 00:06:47,300
My angel is lost to me.
180
00:06:47,367 --> 00:06:50,067
Hi, Dad.
What you doing?
181
00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:52,033
Throwing my life away
on a overpriced
marketing phenomenon
182
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,467
that will leave me
bedridden, tumorous
183
00:06:53,534 --> 00:06:55,300
and politically incorrect.
184
00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:58,300
Oh. Wish I had a hobby.
185
00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:00,667
(phone ringing)
186
00:07:00,734 --> 00:07:02,200
(screams)
187
00:07:04,701 --> 00:07:06,133
Hello?
188
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:07,467
Yeah, he's here.
189
00:07:07,534 --> 00:07:09,434
Dad, it's someone
named Angela.
190
00:07:09,501 --> 00:07:11,467
Angela!
I don't know any Angelas.
191
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:13,801
She sounds like a rather young,
angelic woman,
192
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:16,701
if her willowy reed of a voice
is any indication.
193
00:07:16,767 --> 00:07:17,467
(gasps)
What?!
194
00:07:17,534 --> 00:07:18,467
Hello!
195
00:07:18,534 --> 00:07:19,667
Hello, Mr. Duckman?
196
00:07:19,734 --> 00:07:21,701
This is Angela
from the emergency hot line.
197
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:23,667
Angela.
198
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:25,534
I'm sorry to bother you.
199
00:07:25,601 --> 00:07:27,534
I was wondering how
your son was doing.
200
00:07:27,601 --> 00:07:29,267
Son? I have a son?
201
00:07:29,334 --> 00:07:32,667
Oh, uh... Mambo. Fine, fine.
202
00:07:32,734 --> 00:07:35,400
Small bit of discomfort in the
little boys' room this morning,
203
00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:38,567
passing that smokestack...
otherwise shipshape.
204
00:07:38,634 --> 00:07:41,667
I can't thank you enough
for all your help.
205
00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:43,868
Well, you did
most of it yourself.
206
00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:45,100
You know, a lot of people
207
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:46,734
don't keep their heads
in an emergency.
208
00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:49,000
Oh, it was your voice--
it made me feel like...
209
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:51,167
well, like everything
would be okay.
210
00:07:51,234 --> 00:07:55,667
Well... the reason
I called is I'm new here
211
00:07:55,734 --> 00:07:58,334
and your son's was the first
life I ever helped save.
212
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,567
I just wanted to follow up.
213
00:08:00,634 --> 00:08:01,934
I never want to forget,
214
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,234
there are real people
on the other end of the phone.
215
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,400
Wow.
216
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:06,400
What?
217
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:07,400
Uh, nothing, nothing.
218
00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:08,501
I was just, uh... (laughing)
219
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:09,634
glancing down at my bicep.
220
00:08:11,234 --> 00:08:13,834
At the risk
of sounding like a...
221
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:15,601
pimple-faced schoolboy,
222
00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:17,367
I was wondering...
223
00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:20,567
Sorry, I'm just
not very good at this.
224
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:21,968
I... I was wondering if,
225
00:08:22,033 --> 00:08:25,400
well, you'd like
to have dinner with me tonight.
226
00:08:25,467 --> 00:08:27,300
(sirens approaching)
Dinner?
227
00:08:27,367 --> 00:08:28,634
You only have
to buy your half.
228
00:08:28,701 --> 00:08:30,767
Just think of it
as a way to say thanks
229
00:08:30,834 --> 00:08:32,033
for saving
my son's life.
230
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,767
Well, you sound nice.
231
00:08:33,834 --> 00:08:34,767
Okay, I'll do it.
232
00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:36,100
You will?
233
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,634
There's a little
Japanese restaurant
on Third Street.
234
00:08:37,701 --> 00:08:38,667
Do you know it?
235
00:08:38,734 --> 00:08:40,067
Yeah, I-I-I think so.
236
00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:41,767
Just down from Vic's Fleshpot
and G-String Emp...
237
00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:43,334
Yeah, I'll-I'll find it.
I'll-I'll find it.
238
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,000
Shall we say, uh...
half an hour?
239
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,200
Half an hour it is.
240
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:48,701
She said yes!
241
00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:51,400
This little ducky
has a date!
242
00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:53,334
Oh, happy day!
243
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,601
Ka-loo, ka-lay!
244
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:57,133
I'm going out with Angela!
245
00:09:01,601 --> 00:09:03,501
(whistling)
246
00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:05,200
A-scoobie-doobie-doo...
a-dooba-do... with me...
247
00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:07,434
You looking
for an Angela?
248
00:09:07,501 --> 00:09:09,133
All my life.
249
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,167
(gasps)
250
00:09:15,234 --> 00:09:16,501
(gulps)
251
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:22,934
(screaming)
252
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,701
(horn honking,
tires screeching)
253
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:29,701
(crashing)
254
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,200
That was close.
255
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:32,934
Wait. No one could be that ugly.
256
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,467
Maybe I just caught a bad angle.
257
00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:36,968
MAN:
You've got to lookbeneath the surface.
258
00:09:37,033 --> 00:09:38,400
That's true.
259
00:09:38,467 --> 00:09:40,033
60% Of all toilet problems
260
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,400
occur beneath the surface
of the tank.
261
00:09:46,067 --> 00:09:48,000
All right!
I'm going to do this.
262
00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:49,567
Look past the obvious.
263
00:09:49,634 --> 00:09:51,100
Have the common decency
264
00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:54,567
to sit down and appreciate her
for who she really is.
265
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:56,934
Are you Duckman?
266
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:03,934
I'm a sucker
for ambience.
267
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,133
MAN:
Hey, I can't see!
268
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,167
CHEF:
We fix in minute.
269
00:10:06,234 --> 00:10:07,367
Have to serve
while still fresh.
270
00:10:07,434 --> 00:10:08,367
(knife chopping)
271
00:10:08,434 --> 00:10:10,267
MAN:
Aah! You cut off
my finger!
272
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:12,400
So, Angela, could I buy you
a face... a drink?
273
00:10:12,467 --> 00:10:14,634
Uh, white wine
would be nice.
274
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,534
White wine.
On the way.
275
00:10:16,601 --> 00:10:17,567
(woman shrieks)
Ouch! Sorry.
276
00:10:17,634 --> 00:10:18,701
(clanging, clattering,
people yelling)
277
00:10:18,767 --> 00:10:19,934
Bartender, I'll have
a white wine
278
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,801
and something to put me
out of my misery
279
00:10:21,868 --> 00:10:23,767
in case these lights
come back on.
280
00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:24,834
(glasses tinkling,
liquids pouring)
281
00:10:24,901 --> 00:10:26,434
Thanks.
282
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:27,934
(people screaming,
glasses clattering)
Oops, sorry. Sorry...
283
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,234
Here you go--
white wine.
284
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,901
Thank you.
285
00:10:30,968 --> 00:10:32,100
(knife chopping)
MAN:
My arm!
286
00:10:32,167 --> 00:10:34,334
(Angela sips,
then splutters)
287
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,334
Excuse me.
288
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,167
This tastes like Drano.
289
00:10:37,234 --> 00:10:38,167
Oop, that's mine.
290
00:10:38,234 --> 00:10:39,167
(knife chopping)
291
00:10:39,234 --> 00:10:40,300
(woman screams)
292
00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:42,667
So... do I look at all
like you expected?
293
00:10:42,734 --> 00:10:43,968
(splutters, coughs)
294
00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:45,968
Sorry, they, uh, forgot
the lemon wedge.
295
00:10:46,033 --> 00:10:47,234
That's the first time
296
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:49,300
someone else's drink
went to my head.
297
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:50,400
(both chuckle)
298
00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:51,567
(knife chopping)
299
00:10:51,634 --> 00:10:53,067
WOMAN (screams):
My ear! That's my ear!
300
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:54,968
You look a lot
like I pictured--
301
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:59,033
someone who walks into a room
and commands attention.
302
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:00,934
You, uh...
you don't say.
303
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,400
Well, I'm the only living heir
to the throne of Sweden.
304
00:11:03,467 --> 00:11:04,934
I hold the world record
in the mile
305
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,067
and I just got a medal
306
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,601
for taking a bullet
meant for the president.
307
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,634
(knife chopping)
308
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:10,300
(man screams,
body thuds)
309
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,167
Actually, that's
not all true.
310
00:11:12,234 --> 00:11:13,334
What part?
311
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,601
None of it.
312
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:16,400
I always kind of take
a small truth
313
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,133
and then
embellish it into...
314
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,834
well, a huge lie.
315
00:11:19,901 --> 00:11:20,868
(knife chopping)
316
00:11:20,934 --> 00:11:21,868
(man squawks)
317
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:23,033
I don't know
why I did that.
318
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:26,367
I've never admitted that
to anyone before.
319
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:29,367
Would it be forward of me
to hold your hand?
320
00:11:29,434 --> 00:11:30,834
Not at all.
321
00:11:30,901 --> 00:11:33,000
Huh. It's a little larger
than I would've expected.
322
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,334
My hand's over here.
323
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,834
Then whose hand
is this?
324
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:36,834
MAN:
Mine!
325
00:11:36,901 --> 00:11:38,067
Throw it back, will ya?
326
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:39,133
(slapping,
woman screams)
327
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,300
Now, where was I?
328
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,701
Oh,yeah, I was, uh,
just about to tell you
329
00:11:42,767 --> 00:11:44,667
I... I didn't know
what to expect tonight
330
00:11:44,734 --> 00:11:47,267
but I'm enjoying it.
331
00:11:47,334 --> 00:11:49,033
You, uh,
wouldn't happen to be
332
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,400
doing anything
tomorrow night?
333
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:51,734
(knife chopping)
334
00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:53,734
(man screaming)
335
00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:58,901
(yells)
336
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,167
Hmm...
337
00:12:00,234 --> 00:12:02,334
You're dating
an ugly woman, aren't you?
338
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:03,334
How did you know?
339
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,501
I've fished out of that pond
340
00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:05,801
a few times myself.
341
00:12:05,868 --> 00:12:07,767
Dinners in the basement,
two-fers at the planetarium,
342
00:12:07,834 --> 00:12:09,667
weekends in the darkroom
developing the pictures
343
00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:11,334
you took in the basement
and the planetarium.
344
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,667
I know this
sounds corny, Corny,
345
00:12:12,734 --> 00:12:14,734
but Angela brings out
the best in me...
346
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,734
you know what I mean?
347
00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:17,968
Not exactly, no.
348
00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:19,901
Well, we've been dating
for three weeks now,
349
00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:21,701
and I don't belch around her.
350
00:12:21,767 --> 00:12:24,334
I don't scratch hard-to-reach
body crevices.
351
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,534
I don't tell incredibly
tasteless jokes.
352
00:12:26,601 --> 00:12:29,300
Except for the ones about
hermaphrodites-- I love those.
353
00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:30,834
I think I'm in love.
354
00:12:30,901 --> 00:12:32,901
Dear Diary,
355
00:12:32,968 --> 00:12:35,868
Today I heard Duckman utter
the "L" word.
356
00:12:35,934 --> 00:12:37,634
There is, of course,
one small hitch--
357
00:12:37,701 --> 00:12:39,100
She's hideous!
358
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,033
She's got a face
that would scatter
a leper colony!
359
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:42,734
You got to look at her
through a box
360
00:12:42,801 --> 00:12:43,834
with a little
hole in it.
361
00:12:43,901 --> 00:12:45,033
Come on, Duckman.
362
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,934
She may be a little short
or a little tall,
363
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,601
but you can find
a good feature in everyone.
364
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,601
Oh, yeah?
Find a good feature
365
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:52,133
in this.
366
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:53,300
(muffled retch)
367
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:54,701
Nice photo finishing.
368
00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:56,901
Good morning,
Misters Duckman and Cornfed.
369
00:12:56,968 --> 00:12:58,267
The manwiches...
370
00:12:58,334 --> 00:13:01,133
Oh, my, Mr. Duckman!
371
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,033
What happened to you?
372
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:06,133
He's dating an ug... a woman
who's facially challenged.
373
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,100
Shame on you, Mr. Cornfed!
374
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:10,400
All of God's creatures
are beautiful.
375
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:15,133
(both screaming)
376
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,067
You see?
Even they think so!
377
00:13:17,133 --> 00:13:18,501
The woman
shatters mirrors!
378
00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:20,267
But there must be more
to her than her looks.
379
00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:21,300
Oh, sure.
380
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,667
She's smart, sensitive,
cheerful,
381
00:13:22,734 --> 00:13:24,834
thought-provoking and loaded
with empathy and insight,
382
00:13:24,901 --> 00:13:27,133
but how long
can that stay interesting?
383
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,100
Duckman, you obviously have
strong feelings for her.
384
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:30,100
You should
face your fears.
385
00:13:30,167 --> 00:13:31,901
Take her out on a real date--
386
00:13:31,968 --> 00:13:34,133
dancing, romantic music,
soft lights.
387
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:34,901
How soft?
388
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:35,567
They'd be on.
389
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:36,400
Forget it.
390
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:37,400
What if I came with you?
391
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:38,968
I'll rustle up
a filly of my own,
392
00:13:39,033 --> 00:13:40,267
and we'll prove to you
393
00:13:40,334 --> 00:13:42,200
that you don't have to be
ashamed to be seen with her.
394
00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:43,300
Okay, Corny,
you're right!
395
00:13:43,367 --> 00:13:44,334
Let's do it!
396
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,334
(both yelling)
397
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,801
Yes, uh...
398
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:50,067
table for four,
please.
399
00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:51,167
(yells)
400
00:13:51,234 --> 00:13:54,801
Well, I guess
it's seat yourself.
401
00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:57,200
(shrieking)
402
00:14:01,701 --> 00:14:03,133
(howls)
403
00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:06,667
How's this table?
404
00:14:06,734 --> 00:14:08,667
(patrons yelling,
screaming)
405
00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:11,934
(chuckles)
406
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,400
Probably carpooling.
407
00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:16,767
Corny, I want to dance.
408
00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:19,567
The band is on
a break, Trudy.
409
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:21,400
Guess we can mime.
410
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,701
Your partner
seems nice.
411
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,033
I hope he likes me.
412
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:32,601
How could he
not like you?
413
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:34,901
You're sweet, you're funny,
you're, uh...
414
00:14:34,968 --> 00:14:36,968
Did I mention
sweet and funny?
415
00:14:37,033 --> 00:14:37,968
D'oh!
416
00:14:38,033 --> 00:14:39,334
(glass breaks)
417
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,033
Maybe we should dance.
418
00:14:46,934 --> 00:14:48,968
(screaming)
419
00:14:50,234 --> 00:14:52,434
Eww!
420
00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:53,901
(gags)
421
00:14:53,968 --> 00:14:56,968
ANGELA:
I feel like we're all alone
out here.
422
00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:58,667
Yeah, me, too.
423
00:14:58,734 --> 00:15:01,434
Duckman, thank you
for tonight.
424
00:15:12,601 --> 00:15:14,701
A rose for the lovely lady?
425
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:16,734
Or maybe a cube of sugar, huh?
426
00:15:16,801 --> 00:15:18,534
Nobody insults
my girlfriend!
427
00:15:19,234 --> 00:15:20,400
(people gasping)
428
00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:21,234
(gasps)
429
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:22,300
Wait a minute!
430
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:23,734
Where are you going?
431
00:15:23,801 --> 00:15:27,234
Duckman, I've had a lot of years
to get used to the fact
432
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,734
that I was born
with "colorful features"
433
00:15:29,801 --> 00:15:30,901
but you haven't.
434
00:15:30,968 --> 00:15:32,767
I hate to see the look
on your face
435
00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:34,400
when you see the looks
on everyone else's
436
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:37,400
and I think it's time
I did something about it.
437
00:15:37,467 --> 00:15:38,601
If it doesn't work,
438
00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:40,868
you'll never have
to see me again.
439
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:51,367
(sniffing)
440
00:15:51,434 --> 00:15:53,267
I need an opinion.
How's my...?
441
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:55,000
(coughing)
442
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,000
(wheezing)
443
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:57,000
(deep cough)
444
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:57,934
Cologne.
445
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,167
What's the occasion
446
00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:01,000
for this olfactory outrage, Dad?
447
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:03,501
It so happens I have a date
and she'll be here any minute.
448
00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:05,100
What does
she look like?
449
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:07,934
Must you be so shallow
as to focus on looks?
450
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,567
Like society's some kind of
pageant and we're all judged
451
00:16:10,634 --> 00:16:12,601
on a meaningless detail
like appearance.
452
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:15,000
Gargoyle.
Gargoyle.
453
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,567
Okay, she's the bell ringer
at Notre Dame.
454
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:18,033
I don't care.
455
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,200
She's mine and I love her,
no matter what she looks like.
456
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:22,267
Truth is, I don't know
what she looks like.
457
00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:23,701
I haven't seen her
in a week.
458
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:25,400
I called and called
until she finally admitted
459
00:16:25,467 --> 00:16:27,000
she was getting
a complete makeover.
460
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:28,033
With a little luck,
461
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,267
she went from hideous
to butt ugly.
462
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:31,200
(doorbell rings)
463
00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:37,133
ALL:
Humina-humina, how-wa.
464
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,467
Look, lady, whatever
you're selling,
465
00:16:38,534 --> 00:16:39,467
I'll take 200 of them.
466
00:16:39,534 --> 00:16:40,868
I don't care what they cost!
467
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:42,534
Duckman, it's me, Angela.
468
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:43,634
Angela?!
469
00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:47,200
I mean who else
could it be, my love?
470
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,434
Come in.
Come in.
471
00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:50,834
This is Bernice,
Charles and Merengue.
472
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:52,467
Mambo!
Eh, whatever.
473
00:16:52,534 --> 00:16:54,634
Dad, you said
she'd be butt ugly.
474
00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,267
Anything
but ugly, son.
475
00:16:56,334 --> 00:16:58,667
(laughing):
Can't leave out
such a key word.
476
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:01,234
It's a pleasure
to finally meet all of you.
477
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:03,000
Except where's Ajax?
478
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,167
When he heard his father had
a date, he ran up to his room.
479
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:07,334
He's a bit sensitive
480
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,667
about replacing his mother
since she died.
481
00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:10,467
Mama!
482
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:14,100
He seems to be
coming around.
483
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,734
How about you, Duckman,
what do you think?
484
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:16,901
It isn't much.
485
00:17:16,968 --> 00:17:19,367
All they did was give me
a hair weave, a dye job,
486
00:17:19,434 --> 00:17:21,000
contacts, change my wardrobe,
sand my face down,
487
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:24,400
buff it out and plaster it over
with 15 gallons of foundation.
488
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:26,667
Ha! And here I thought
it was the new shoes.
489
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:28,300
Come on, Angela,
I'll get you a drink,
490
00:17:28,367 --> 00:17:30,367
and we can talk about
that childhood incident
491
00:17:30,434 --> 00:17:31,734
that left you
so traumatized
492
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,167
you think
Duckman's a catch.
493
00:17:33,234 --> 00:17:35,734
(raucous laughter
and snorting)
494
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:38,033
I did it!
I finally did it!
495
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,667
I've found someone
who's got it all,
496
00:17:39,734 --> 00:17:41,367
who I can really fall for,
497
00:17:41,434 --> 00:17:43,367
and who actually wants
to be with me!
498
00:17:43,434 --> 00:17:44,701
Good thing, too.
499
00:17:44,767 --> 00:17:46,934
Any other woman with those
looks and that charm
500
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,367
would drop you
in a heartbeat
501
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:49,934
for someone smarter,
better-looking
502
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,767
and more successful.
503
00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:54,767
(whistling)
504
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:56,601
Holy guacamole.
505
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:58,434
Nice to see you again, Cornfed.
506
00:17:58,501 --> 00:17:59,100
Angela?
507
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:00,434
You betcha.
508
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:02,767
I finally found a woman
I could love and respect.
509
00:18:02,834 --> 00:18:04,601
Look, her eyes point
in the same direction.
510
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,067
Oh, hi, Mr. Duckman.
511
00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:10,100
We're sorry about
our superficial reaction
512
00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:12,067
to Angela's picture
last...
513
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,234
Ohh!
Ohh!
514
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,234
(gasps)
515
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:16,300
Get off her,
you neutered muppheads!
516
00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:18,300
Oh, Duckman, they're so cute.
517
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:20,300
URANUS:
And we're not
really neutered.
518
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:21,200
Yike!
519
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,634
(giggling)
Quit your groveling.
520
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:24,367
You got
real work to do.
521
00:18:24,434 --> 00:18:25,801
I need you to mail
Angela's picture
522
00:18:25,868 --> 00:18:27,901
to all the girls
who wouldn't date me
in high school.
523
00:18:27,968 --> 00:18:29,300
You're funny, Duckman.
524
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:30,567
And generous, too.
525
00:18:30,634 --> 00:18:32,567
I got you
a gifty-poo.
526
00:18:32,634 --> 00:18:35,100
Duckman, I love it.
527
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:36,834
And not cheap either.
It's real 50/50.
528
00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:38,501
Put it on,
and I'll wear mine.
529
00:18:41,534 --> 00:18:44,801
(low, raspy):
Yeah.
530
00:18:44,868 --> 00:18:45,901
Ooh.
531
00:18:45,968 --> 00:18:46,968
Ow, baby!
532
00:18:47,033 --> 00:18:48,968
(wolf whistling,
whooping)
533
00:18:49,033 --> 00:18:50,567
Ow-wow-ow-wow-ooh!
534
00:18:50,634 --> 00:18:51,634
It's okay.
535
00:18:51,701 --> 00:18:53,267
You have to expect
that sort of thing
536
00:18:53,334 --> 00:18:54,400
from construction
workers.
537
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,734
Ow, baby!
538
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,868
Ow-wow-ow-wow-ooh!
539
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:09,567
Ooh-ya-ya-ow!
540
00:19:09,634 --> 00:19:11,067
Down! Ooh! Down!
541
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:13,901
She's the one.
542
00:19:25,701 --> 00:19:28,100
Angela!
Angela!
Angela!
543
00:19:36,834 --> 00:19:38,133
(heavy sigh)
544
00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:42,868
Table for two.
545
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:45,100
Daah!
546
00:19:46,601 --> 00:19:48,200
ANGELA:
Let's sit
at the same table.
547
00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:50,834
I want tonight to feel just
like our first night here did.
548
00:19:50,901 --> 00:19:52,200
We'll dance,
549
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:55,200
and we'll feel alone
again, just you and me.
550
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:58,100
It's Angela,
our woman of the hour.
551
00:19:58,167 --> 00:20:01,634
CROWD (chanting):
Angela! Angela!
552
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,634
Welcome to your
very own night, Angela,
553
00:20:04,701 --> 00:20:06,234
where hundreds of people
you've never met
554
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:07,367
and couldn't care less about
555
00:20:07,434 --> 00:20:09,300
have gathered to tell you
they love you.
556
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:10,601
So, let's sit you down
557
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:13,133
and let
the fawning begin.
558
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,267
Angela!
Angela!
Angela!
559
00:20:23,267 --> 00:20:24,534
There you are.
560
00:20:24,601 --> 00:20:26,033
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
561
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,801
I was hoping
we could dance
562
00:20:27,868 --> 00:20:29,367
the last dance
together.
563
00:20:29,434 --> 00:20:33,067
Yeah, well, I came out here
to think about things--
564
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:34,634
you and me.
565
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:37,033
And I'm thinking maybe tonight
was our last dance.
566
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:38,033
What?
567
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:39,133
You've got
plenty of people
568
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,567
who can give you
more than I can now.
569
00:20:40,634 --> 00:20:42,834
The simple truth is
I'm not good enough
for you anymore.
570
00:20:42,901 --> 00:20:45,234
I can't compete with the
whole rest of the world.
571
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:46,400
It's only a matter of time
572
00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:47,934
before you find something
better and leave me,
573
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,968
so why don't save us both
the wait and say good-bye now.
574
00:20:51,033 --> 00:20:52,434
Duckman, you're wrong.
575
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,834
None of these
other people mean a thing to me.
576
00:20:54,901 --> 00:20:57,400
I did what I did
because of you--
577
00:20:57,467 --> 00:20:59,167
because I was falling
in love with you.
578
00:20:59,234 --> 00:21:00,467
I'm not going
to leave you.
579
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,400
Maybe this
isn't the time.
580
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:06,033
Can we meet tomorrow night?
581
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:07,501
You'll feel better then.
582
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,067
Maybe at the
Japanese restaurant
583
00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:12,501
where we first
saw each other?
584
00:21:12,567 --> 00:21:14,534
I'll be there at 8:00.
585
00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:21,667
BERNICE:
Duckman, it's 10:00.
586
00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:24,400
Weren't you going
to meet Angela at 8:00?
587
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,601
I changed my mind.
I'm not going.
588
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:27,601
What did you do to her?
589
00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:29,734
Nothing.
I did something for her.
590
00:21:29,801 --> 00:21:31,367
She's got a chance
at a new life.
591
00:21:31,434 --> 00:21:32,634
She shouldn't
settle for me.
592
00:21:32,701 --> 00:21:33,901
I wouldn't let her live.
593
00:21:33,968 --> 00:21:35,968
I'd spend the rest of our lives
holding her back
594
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:38,834
'cause I was afraid
of losing her.
595
00:21:38,901 --> 00:21:40,834
I'm sorry, Duckman.
596
00:21:40,901 --> 00:21:43,467
(ringing)
597
00:21:43,534 --> 00:21:44,801
Let it ring.
598
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,334
(ringing)
599
00:21:49,367 --> 00:21:53,467
(ringing)
600
00:21:53,534 --> 00:21:56,334
(ringing)
41756
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