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00:00:10,067 --> 00:00:10,968
(wolf whistles)
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00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:37,033
(quacks)
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00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:04,534
(gasps)
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00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,601
(woman gasps)
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00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:10,367
(animals braying
and squawking)
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(grunts)
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ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to this week'sspecial episode
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00:01:26,601 --> 00:01:28,000
of American Dicks.
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00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,501
As you know, detectives
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00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:32,601
profiled in this programhave solved 99 cases in a row--
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00:01:32,667 --> 00:01:35,000
a perfect record achievedwith only a minimal amount
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00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:37,300
of altered facts,network-funded bribery
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00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:38,701
and threats of bodily harm
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00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:40,400
to friends and familiesof the suspects.
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00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:42,200
Tonight, then,we attempt to solve
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00:01:42,267 --> 00:01:44,434
our 100th case in a row.
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00:01:44,501 --> 00:01:47,501
Unfortunately, a detectives'strike is sweeping the nation
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00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,067
and we've been able to findonly one detective
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00:01:49,133 --> 00:01:53,200
who was seduced enough by thepotential notoriety to scab.
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00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:56,534
DUCKMAN:
Fluffy, Uranus, wherethe (bleep) is my coffee?
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00:01:56,601 --> 00:01:59,467
Don't you (bleep) realizeI want my (bleep) coffee
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00:01:59,534 --> 00:02:01,767
first thingevery (bleep) morning.
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00:02:01,834 --> 00:02:03,200
If I don't (bleep)
get it now
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00:02:03,267 --> 00:02:05,300
I'm going to kick
your furry little (bleep)
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00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:08,467
out of here, so give me
the (bleep) coffee!
26
00:02:08,534 --> 00:02:10,801
Oh. Heh-heh. (bleep).
27
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,234
Guess you'll cut that.
28
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,634
Uh, look, now that you're here,
I want you people to know
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00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:14,667
I'm just a little bit tweaked
30
00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,300
that it
took you so long to get to me.
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00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:17,267
I mean, I should've been
32
00:02:17,334 --> 00:02:18,734
the first show,
not the hundredth!
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00:02:18,801 --> 00:02:20,901
I'm telling you, I don't need
this kind of treatment
34
00:02:20,968 --> 00:02:21,901
from some cheap,
jump-on-the-reality-show
35
00:02:21,968 --> 00:02:23,834
bandwagon schlockumentary.
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00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:29,467
Not that it's changed my opinion
of your fine program one iota.
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00:02:29,534 --> 00:02:32,234
I'm proud to be part
of your uncompromising quest
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00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:33,634
for truth and justice.
39
00:02:33,701 --> 00:02:36,367
Did I ever tell you
how much I admired the episode
40
00:02:36,434 --> 00:02:38,133
where you rigged the dump truck
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00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,968
to explode
when the kid's bicycle hit it,
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00:02:40,033 --> 00:02:41,400
so the detective
could arrest the manufacturer?
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00:02:41,467 --> 00:02:42,634
(laughs)
44
00:02:42,701 --> 00:02:45,200
So, shall we get on
with the myth-making?
45
00:02:45,267 --> 00:02:47,601
This is my camera-shy,
much less experienced
46
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,734
and generally easy-to-ignore
partner, Cornfed.
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00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:50,734
Hi, Mom.
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00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:51,734
Hop off the
curly-cue, carnie.
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00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:53,234
You and me
are heading out
50
00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:55,133
to solve American Dicks'
100th case.
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00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,634
(whispering):
Duckman, that's...
52
00:02:57,701 --> 00:02:59,000
Stickler for procedure
53
00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:01,667
thinks we should wait
till we actually have a case.
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00:03:01,734 --> 00:03:02,667
Not to worry.
55
00:03:02,734 --> 00:03:03,767
Only a matter of time
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00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,167
before the big ones
start pouring in.
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00:03:05,234 --> 00:03:06,000
(intercom buzzes)
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00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:07,367
As promised.
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00:03:07,434 --> 00:03:08,834
URANUS:
Mr. Duckman, your carton
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00:03:08,901 --> 00:03:11,167
of itch-away rectal cream
just arrived
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00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,434
and your test results are here.
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00:03:13,501 --> 00:03:15,701
The doctor hasn't identified
your lesions
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00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:17,534
but he's ruled out cold sores.
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00:03:17,601 --> 00:03:18,667
Before I met Duckman,
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00:03:18,734 --> 00:03:20,601
I was at a crossroads,
soul-searching,
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00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,868
looking for my place in this
endless puzzle we call life.
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00:03:22,934 --> 00:03:25,400
You ever wake up
in a Cambodian gaming parlor
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00:03:25,467 --> 00:03:27,701
and realize you were living
in a dark, dank abyss
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00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:29,000
of emptiness and loneliness,
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00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:30,868
then wander the mountains
of Asia for two years
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00:03:30,934 --> 00:03:33,667
until you became the chef
in a Tibetan monastery?
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00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:36,434
I just asked what kind
of detective Duckman is.
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00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:38,133
Oh.
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00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:42,801
I have some clothes
in the dryer.
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00:03:42,868 --> 00:03:46,701
(snoring)
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00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:47,834
Wake up, Mr. Cameraman.
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00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:49,300
What? What? What?
What? What? What?
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00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:51,601
FLUFFY AND URANUS:
Mr. Duckman!
Wake up, Mr. Duckman!
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00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:52,868
Wake up!
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00:03:52,934 --> 00:03:54,067
Not respect you?
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00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,367
I brought you
the hand towel, didn't I?
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00:03:56,434 --> 00:03:57,367
Ow! Wha-what?
83
00:03:57,434 --> 00:03:59,167
Right. Amazing how fast
84
00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:02,300
two days of waiting
for a case can go by.
85
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:06,200
URANUS:
Mr. Duckman,
you've got a case on line one.
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00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:07,734
A case?! Me?!
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00:04:07,801 --> 00:04:09,400
I mean, of course I have a case.
88
00:04:09,467 --> 00:04:10,634
Why wouldn't I have a case?
89
00:04:10,701 --> 00:04:12,000
(laughing)
90
00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:13,868
I'm just surprised
by the way he said it.
91
00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:15,801
Here, let me get that for you.
92
00:04:15,868 --> 00:04:17,667
(Fluffy giggles,
then screams)
93
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:19,300
Duckman Investigations--
what can I do for you?
94
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:20,434
Solve a murder?
95
00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:21,734
Track down
an international terrorist?
96
00:04:21,801 --> 00:04:23,968
Recover millions of dollars
worth of stolen jewelry?
97
00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:25,801
FEMALE:
I need you to get my cat
down from a tree.
98
00:04:25,868 --> 00:04:27,467
I live at Fourth and Elm.
99
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:28,534
Fourth and Elm. Got it!
100
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,934
We got a 405, Corny. Code Red!
101
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,300
Now, this may seem
like a simple case,
102
00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:38,868
but with your feline
search-and-rescue missions
103
00:04:38,934 --> 00:04:40,701
any number of things
can go wrong.
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00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:43,133
Fortunately, I graduated
magna come-and-get-me
105
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,000
from the University
of the Streets,
106
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,968
and by streets,
I mean, mean streets.
107
00:04:47,033 --> 00:04:49,767
Oops, I forgot the rubber
mouse and ball of string.
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00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:51,801
Fluffy, Uranus,
hold my calls.
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00:04:51,868 --> 00:04:54,167
I'm about to become the most
famous detective in town
by solving...
110
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:55,501
Ah, you're sweet.
Sweetest, little, ooh.
111
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:57,067
(cat purring)
What's that?
112
00:04:57,133 --> 00:04:58,400
Oh, it's a kitty cat,
113
00:04:58,467 --> 00:05:00,234
we found on our
way to work.
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00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,701
At Fourth and Elm.
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00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:03,667
Uh...
Does that count?
116
00:05:03,734 --> 00:05:05,801
How is he as a father? Ha!
117
00:05:05,868 --> 00:05:08,367
Last week he converted
the twins' stock dividends
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00:05:08,434 --> 00:05:10,267
into singles,
and blew the whole thing
119
00:05:10,334 --> 00:05:13,300
at that Live Nude Amazons bar
by the airport.
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00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:14,667
(whirs)
121
00:05:14,734 --> 00:05:17,434
I knew that (bleep)
didn't quit smoking.
122
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:19,901
You know how tough it is
raising kids with a role model
123
00:05:19,968 --> 00:05:21,300
like that feathered weasel?
124
00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:22,767
Well, the women out there
know what I mean.
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00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:24,968
Actually, our audience
is mostly men
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00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,300
between the ages
of 20 and 55.
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00:05:27,367 --> 00:05:29,334
Really? Hmm...
if I get married
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00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,234
my husband will become
the man of the house
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00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:37,300
and that deadbeat brother-in-law
of mine will be out on his butt.
130
00:05:37,367 --> 00:05:40,434
Oh, did I mention
I'm a gourmet cook,
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00:05:40,501 --> 00:05:42,200
and I'm about to have
more than half
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00:05:42,267 --> 00:05:45,400
my visible cellulite
surgically removed.
133
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:47,300
(moaning)
134
00:05:47,367 --> 00:05:49,534
Heh-heh-heh. Sinus itch.
135
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,868
So, uh, while we're here
perhaps a lesson or two.
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00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:54,534
One thing that separates
the great detectives
137
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:56,834
from the slouches is the ability
to recognize an opportunity.
138
00:05:56,901 --> 00:05:58,501
You've got to help me.
139
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,501
My husband, Mayor Whitman,
has disappeared.
140
00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:03,234
Yeah, right, right. A man needs
a break once in a while. Huh?
141
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,033
Maybe there's a marriage
counselor in the Yellow Pages.
142
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:06,167
Eh, where was I?
(Mrs. Whitman grunts)
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00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:07,567
Ah, yes.
Sizing up an opportunity
144
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,167
and seeing it for what it is.
145
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:10,834
No, no.
I need a detective.
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00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:12,000
With this strike
going on,
147
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,434
I can't find one
anywhere.
148
00:06:13,501 --> 00:06:15,000
Hey, put a sock in it, lady.
149
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:16,701
I'm in the middle of achieving
legendary detectivehood.
150
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,300
while millions watch!
(grunts)
151
00:06:18,367 --> 00:06:21,100
As I was saying, there could be
a case lurking anywhere.
152
00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:22,267
Uh, Duckman?
153
00:06:22,334 --> 00:06:23,801
You're going
to interrupt me too?!
154
00:06:23,868 --> 00:06:27,167
(whispering)
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Hmm?
155
00:06:27,234 --> 00:06:31,801
Uh, no, Cornfed,
we can't take lunch yet.
156
00:06:31,868 --> 00:06:34,934
I have an intuitive sense
that this woman may have a case.
157
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,200
Well, lady, are my razor-sharp
instincts correct?
158
00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:39,300
I've been trying
to tell you--
159
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:41,300
my husband disappeared--
Mayor Whitman.
160
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:42,901
Mayor Whitman!
161
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:45,033
The man who brought
honesty and fairness
to municipal politics?
162
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:47,000
The man who cleansed
city hall of corruption.
163
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,200
The man I voted for six times
last election?
164
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:50,534
Any suspects?
165
00:06:50,601 --> 00:06:52,901
Well, there's Le Francis--
Lance Le Francis.
166
00:06:52,968 --> 00:06:55,234
He manages the baseball
star Honiss Rhodes.
167
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,868
I think money could be
a motivating factor here.
168
00:06:57,934 --> 00:07:00,534
You're right. Le Francis
owed taxes to the city.
169
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:01,667
I mean, for me.
170
00:07:01,734 --> 00:07:03,067
How much cash
you willing to cough up?
171
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:04,300
I'll pay you $5,000.
172
00:07:04,367 --> 00:07:05,868
Hey, I don't work for free!
173
00:07:05,934 --> 00:07:07,501
Oh, sorry. Reflex.
174
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:09,234
Five thousand, huh?
175
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,667
Make it ten,
you got a deal.
176
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:11,534
Five.
Nine.
177
00:07:11,601 --> 00:07:12,534
Eight.
Five.
178
00:07:12,601 --> 00:07:13,601
Seven.
Five.
179
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,734
Six.
Five.
180
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:15,934
Five, but that's
as low as I'll go.
181
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,634
Four.
Deal!
182
00:07:17,701 --> 00:07:20,567
I'll take the case
if we're not booked up.
183
00:07:20,634 --> 00:07:23,067
Cor-nay, would you mind
checking my book?
184
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:25,601
You've got your 50th
high school reunion
185
00:07:25,667 --> 00:07:27,234
in June of 2021.
186
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,934
Before that, we're clear.
187
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,467
From the moment
a case begins,
188
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,734
I get into a mode
of heightened reality,
189
00:07:32,801 --> 00:07:34,868
hyper-perceptive
to every single thing
190
00:07:34,934 --> 00:07:36,167
that goes on around me,
191
00:07:36,234 --> 00:07:37,801
like an owl
scouting its prey,
192
00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:40,601
sensing it, finding it,
then moving in for the...
193
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:42,567
Corny, you remember
where I parked?
194
00:07:42,634 --> 00:07:43,868
Ook-lay ehind you-bay.
195
00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:45,067
Heh-heh.
196
00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:46,300
Nice job, Corny.
197
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:48,467
I like to devise
little games
198
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:50,200
to keep Cornfed sharp.
199
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:51,734
BERNICE:
Duckman!
200
00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:56,934
There you are.
201
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,133
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
202
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,200
Oh, my heavens!
203
00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:01,767
Is this
the television show?
204
00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:03,801
It completely
slipped my mind. Now!
205
00:08:07,901 --> 00:08:09,667
DUCKMAN:
Bernice, what the..?
206
00:08:09,734 --> 00:08:11,334
Look, aliens
207
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,367
are stealing that baby!
208
00:08:13,434 --> 00:08:15,501
As I was saying,
I was just catching up
209
00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:18,400
on one of my many and varied
leisure time activities.
210
00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:20,367
Favorite hobbies
include drag racing,
211
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:22,567
ancient Greek philosophy,
and snorkeling,
212
00:08:22,634 --> 00:08:24,434
which, by the bye,
has resulted in
213
00:08:24,501 --> 00:08:27,067
an almost superhuman capacity
for breath control,
214
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:28,067
when I remembered
215
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,667
I had something
urgent to do.
216
00:08:29,734 --> 00:08:31,634
I have something
urgent to do too.
217
00:08:31,701 --> 00:08:33,567
I'm about to solve
the 100th case
218
00:08:33,634 --> 00:08:34,667
on American Dicks.
219
00:08:34,734 --> 00:08:35,734
Tell her, Corny.
220
00:08:35,801 --> 00:08:37,334
Define "about to solve."
221
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,100
Hey, want to see
my abscessed tooth?
222
00:08:40,167 --> 00:08:41,801
CAMERAMAN:
Hey, what are you..?
223
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:43,367
What's this button do?
224
00:08:43,434 --> 00:08:46,234
CAMERAMAN:
Keep your hands off of that,
you little (bleep)!
225
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:50,400
Here, let me get
that wire for you.
226
00:08:50,467 --> 00:08:51,467
Bernice,
don't you realize
227
00:08:51,534 --> 00:08:53,100
how much this case
will do for me?
228
00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:54,467
It will make me somebody.
229
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,400
My kids will be able
to be proud of me.
230
00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:58,701
I can't believe you'd ruin
my moment in the sun.
231
00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:01,200
That's not
the only reason I'm here.
232
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:03,434
You promised to spend
an afternoon with the children.
233
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:04,868
Yeah, sure, before
they get married.
234
00:09:04,934 --> 00:09:06,167
Do I..?
235
00:09:06,234 --> 00:09:07,534
I mean, they're so busy
with school and all.
236
00:09:07,601 --> 00:09:09,634
Look, Bernice,
I can't take them now.
237
00:09:09,701 --> 00:09:12,234
Think about someone
besides yourself for once.
238
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,634
And don't forget Charles and
Mambo's recital Friday, either.
239
00:09:15,701 --> 00:09:17,767
Ta-ta!
240
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:21,501
(sirens wailing)
241
00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:27,033
CAMERAMAN:
Out of the way!
242
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,334
I was here first.
243
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,767
Sorry,
we got jurisdiction here.
244
00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:31,834
We're on a major network.
Oh.
245
00:09:31,901 --> 00:09:33,968
DUCKMAN:
What the hell's
going on?!
246
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:35,200
You're under arrest,
Duckman.
247
00:09:35,267 --> 00:09:37,801
(clears throat)...
Let me try it again.
248
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:40,767
You're under arrest,
Duckman.
249
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:42,467
You have the right
to remain silent.
250
00:09:42,534 --> 00:09:43,934
You have some
other rights too
251
00:09:44,033 --> 00:09:46,033
which they'll dub in
at editing. Let's go.
252
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,300
Wait, guys!
You can't do this to me.
253
00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:49,200
It's my chance
at the brass ring,
254
00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:52,667
my big opportunity,
my once-in-a-lifetime shot.
255
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:55,667
Are you goons listening to me?
256
00:09:55,734 --> 00:09:56,834
Ooh.
257
00:09:56,901 --> 00:09:59,601
Goons? Just a term of affection
258
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:02,734
from the Latin--
goonar, "to like."
259
00:10:02,801 --> 00:10:06,167
The nightsticks
are just for show, right?
260
00:10:15,133 --> 00:10:17,534
Well, I'm sure we'll be out
of here and back on the case
261
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:19,901
faster than you can say
plea bargain.
262
00:10:19,968 --> 00:10:21,400
They obviously
got the wrong guy.
263
00:10:21,467 --> 00:10:22,834
I'm a good citizen.
264
00:10:22,901 --> 00:10:26,334
I pay taxes, well, sales tax,
except on the stereo stuff
265
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,501
I buy from those two
discount guys in the ski masks.
266
00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:29,834
(gavel pounds)
267
00:10:29,901 --> 00:10:32,000
I hereby call
this court to order.
268
00:10:32,067 --> 00:10:34,567
And welcome
some very special guests
269
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,167
and close personal friends.
270
00:10:36,234 --> 00:10:39,634
American Cops, American Dicks,
American Stenographers,
271
00:10:39,701 --> 00:10:42,300
American Court Janitors,
and of course,
272
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:45,534
our very own
Slap-Happy Singleton.
273
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,667
First on the docket,
the case of the City...
274
00:10:48,734 --> 00:10:52,901
C-I-T-Y, city, city, city, yay!
275
00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:55,567
Woof! Woof! Woof!
276
00:10:55,634 --> 00:10:57,267
...versus Duckman.
277
00:10:57,334 --> 00:10:58,334
(booing)
278
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,834
Mr. Duckman,
279
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:02,367
you stand accused
of several violations
280
00:11:02,434 --> 00:11:04,167
of the city's parking code.
281
00:11:04,234 --> 00:11:05,367
Your Honor, please?
282
00:11:05,434 --> 00:11:06,734
Can't you just let me off
with a warning?
283
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:08,534
I'll go to a few traffic
classes, become a better driver
284
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:09,767
by watching all those
movies of people
285
00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:11,167
flying through
their windshields.
286
00:11:11,234 --> 00:11:14,133
Yes, well, uh, I suppose
I could let you off.
287
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,501
AJAX:
Way to go, Dad.
288
00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:18,534
He didn't even nail you
for that expired license.
289
00:11:18,601 --> 00:11:20,033
Or when you backed
that manure spreader
290
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,200
next to his car and emptied it
into his sunroof,
291
00:11:22,267 --> 00:11:24,067
the last time
he gave you a...
292
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:25,033
That Duckman!
293
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,100
Thanks, kids.
294
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:27,667
You little (bleep).
295
00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:30,901
I sentence you to five years
in prison without parole,
296
00:11:30,968 --> 00:11:32,734
without cable TV, without...
297
00:11:32,801 --> 00:11:34,067
Wait a minute.
298
00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:35,834
Are you Cornfed Pig?
299
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:38,834
Ernie "Flipper" Davenport,
Navy Seals, Third Division.
300
00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:40,400
Corny, you old hog!
301
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,767
How are you?
302
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:43,167
Oh, same old, same old.
303
00:11:43,234 --> 00:11:44,434
You know this clown?
304
00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:46,834
He's my boss.
305
00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:49,234
I can't lock up
the boss of a man
306
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:52,734
who saved my life in Da Nang,
reconnecting my heart
307
00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:55,968
using only a Swiss Army Knife
and a boot lace.
308
00:11:56,033 --> 00:12:00,601
Penalty reduced to a fine
of $500 or three days in jail.
309
00:12:00,667 --> 00:12:02,167
I don't have $500!
310
00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:03,834
I can't go to jail now!
311
00:12:03,901 --> 00:12:07,400
Look, I don't suppose
you could float me a few C-notes
312
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:08,968
till I crack this case?
313
00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:10,901
Ow! Where you going?
314
00:12:10,968 --> 00:12:13,334
We're both mature,
sensible adults here.
315
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,434
Why don't we just turn
this pesky little camera off
316
00:12:16,501 --> 00:12:18,400
and have a rational discussion.
317
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:20,434
Please, please, please!
318
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:21,501
You got to bail me out!
319
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:22,901
I'll do anything for you!
320
00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:24,200
I'll scrub
the backs of your knees!
321
00:12:24,267 --> 00:12:26,033
I'll peel the corns off
your toes with my teeth!
322
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:27,767
I'll even hand wash you!
323
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:30,734
I did turn that thing off,
right?
324
00:12:30,801 --> 00:12:32,801
Actually, you hit
the tint button.
325
00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:33,801
Oh.
326
00:12:33,868 --> 00:12:34,801
(chuckles)
327
00:12:34,868 --> 00:12:36,834
I guess you'll cut that out too.
328
00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:38,400
Thanks for the loan,
although I still think
329
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:39,501
mowing your lawn
for five years
330
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:40,868
is a little excessive.
331
00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:42,501
Dad, I'm bored.
332
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:45,133
Yeah, we should be home
practicing our tubas.
333
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,667
Look, kids, I'm doing
this for you.
334
00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:49,334
Aside from the incredible
fame and celebrity
335
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,334
I'll get from the exposure,
some of this reward money
336
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,234
will go to your
college educations.
337
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,133
You know, your old dad can
only go so far
338
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,868
in teaching you
all the important things
339
00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:59,100
you need to know in life.
340
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:01,400
Hey, Dad, I can belch
my name better now.
341
00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:02,601
(belches):
Ajax.
342
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:05,133
Still not hearing
that second syllable, son.
343
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,734
I think we have
the best dad in the world,
344
00:13:07,801 --> 00:13:10,167
except maybe for my friend
Peter's dad
345
00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:11,400
who buys him things,
346
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:13,634
or Nurya's dad
who has six fingers.
347
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:16,167
My dad swatted my face
with a broom once.
348
00:13:16,234 --> 00:13:19,667
Of course, I was eating
from the dustpan at the time.
349
00:13:19,734 --> 00:13:21,133
(tires screeching)
350
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,567
Okay, kids, be careful,
351
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:24,501
This is obviously a seedy area.
352
00:13:24,567 --> 00:13:27,601
In fact, I wouldn't even be
in this section of town
353
00:13:27,667 --> 00:13:29,133
if it weren't a matter
of life and death.
354
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,434
Hey, Duckman, you got
that five you owe me?
355
00:13:31,501 --> 00:13:33,801
(screams)
I got a common name.
356
00:13:33,868 --> 00:13:36,367
Mrs. Whitman said Honiss Rhodes
is signing autographs down here.
357
00:13:36,434 --> 00:13:38,601
Now I know, he can lead us
to Le Francis.
358
00:13:38,667 --> 00:13:41,033
I have a sixth sense
about the criminal element.
359
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:44,067
That's right, if there's
the fetid funk of crime
360
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:47,000
within a mile of here,
I'll sniff it out.
361
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:49,000
Hey, punk,
you pay for that candy?
362
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:50,601
(yells)
363
00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:52,400
(chuckles)
364
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:53,901
Guilty conscience.
365
00:13:53,968 --> 00:13:55,734
(rumbling)
366
00:13:55,801 --> 00:13:58,033
Sorry. My gastriacis
acts up
367
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,801
whenever I haven't
eaten all day.
368
00:14:00,868 --> 00:14:02,133
Oh, gum!
369
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:05,501
There's Honiss now.
370
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:08,601
Time to take out the trash.
371
00:14:08,667 --> 00:14:09,501
Hey!
372
00:14:09,567 --> 00:14:11,367
He's your biggest fan.
373
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:13,701
If you could just sign
his oxygen tank
374
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:15,767
"Keep on fighting,
little slugger.
375
00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:17,734
This one's going extra innings."
376
00:14:17,801 --> 00:14:19,133
It would make his day.
377
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,234
That's five bucks a word
for the inscription
378
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:22,467
and ten for the signature.
379
00:14:22,534 --> 00:14:23,667
Oh.
380
00:14:23,734 --> 00:14:25,267
All right, bat boy.
381
00:14:25,334 --> 00:14:27,234
Where's your manager,
Le Francis?
382
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,400
You talking to me?
383
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:29,868
Uh, no,
to the, uh...
384
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:31,434
bat boy.
385
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:34,968
All right,
stay here, kids.
386
00:14:35,033 --> 00:14:36,701
No telling what to expect.
387
00:14:36,767 --> 00:14:39,334
What do you say,
Le Francis, pay or play?
388
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,934
I don't know
what you're talking about.
389
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,601
Oh, no? Well, perhaps this
will refresh your memory.
390
00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:46,000
What does a Polaroid of you
handing dollar bills
391
00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:49,267
to half-naked Amazons
have to do with anything?
392
00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:51,267
Oh. Wrong picture.
393
00:14:51,334 --> 00:14:52,634
That's Mayor Whitman.
394
00:14:52,701 --> 00:14:54,400
Guilty as charged!
395
00:14:54,467 --> 00:14:57,033
Yeah. You can have
all the technology in the world,
396
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,767
but what it comes down
to each and every time
397
00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:00,834
is gut instinct.
398
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,100
Help! I'm the mayor!
399
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:03,834
They're trying to kidnap me!
Help!
400
00:15:03,901 --> 00:15:04,934
Uh, Duckman...
401
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,100
Not now, Corny.
I'm having a moment.
402
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:08,767
Kids, come here and share
the limelight
403
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:10,133
with your old man--
404
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,801
the best detective
this fair city has ever known.
405
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,133
Duckman, the mayor...
406
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,567
Yeah, I like the sound of that.
407
00:15:15,634 --> 00:15:16,567
Duckman, the mayor.
408
00:15:16,634 --> 00:15:17,834
What do you think, boys?
409
00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,267
Get to live
in that great big house,
410
00:15:19,334 --> 00:15:21,601
go to free dinners,
fix parking tickets.
(screaming)
411
00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:23,634
Oh, that mayor.
412
00:15:23,701 --> 00:15:26,000
(cameraman panting)
413
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:27,501
(cameraman grunts)
414
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:32,133
(cameraman panting)
415
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,033
Something's wrong here.
416
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,067
Where the hell's
my car freshener?!
417
00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:39,434
Oh. Never mind.
Here it is.
418
00:15:39,501 --> 00:15:41,868
You know, kids,
once I solve this case,
419
00:15:41,934 --> 00:15:43,267
your pop will probably be
420
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:45,334
the most important detective
ever on this show.
421
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,801
What do you think
about that, Corny?
422
00:15:46,868 --> 00:15:49,701
You're working for the biggest
American dick ever.
423
00:15:51,801 --> 00:15:53,200
AJAX:
Hey, quit pushing me.
424
00:15:53,267 --> 00:15:54,767
Then move your carcass.
425
00:15:54,834 --> 00:15:56,000
What's a carcass?
426
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:57,167
Protozoa brain.
427
00:15:57,234 --> 00:15:58,200
Double bill.
428
00:15:58,267 --> 00:15:59,601
All right, knock it off,
429
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,334
or I'll send you back
to your biological parents.
430
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,267
(horn honking)
(grunting)
431
00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:09,267
(siren wailing)
432
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:11,067
(camerman panting)
433
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:14,167
Dad, Dad.
434
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:15,601
It's the camera guy.
435
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:16,601
Ooh, look.
436
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:17,834
A chocolate bar.
437
00:16:17,901 --> 00:16:19,534
(screams)
438
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:21,033
Help!
439
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:26,167
AJAX:
Eww... this isn't
a chocolate bar.
440
00:16:34,634 --> 00:16:36,767
(speaking foreign language)
441
00:16:43,334 --> 00:16:44,501
Oh-ho!
442
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:46,033
Back from dinner
already, huh?
443
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,901
Too bad--
you just missed my kids.
444
00:16:47,968 --> 00:16:49,534
Their Aunt Bernice
came by to pick them up.
445
00:16:49,601 --> 00:16:51,467
I begged them to stay.
446
00:16:51,534 --> 00:16:53,000
They're so much fun
to have around.
447
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:54,501
Dad, if you're
going to kick us out
448
00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:56,601
at least
give us cab fare!
449
00:16:58,133 --> 00:17:00,567
There you are! Corny!
450
00:17:00,634 --> 00:17:03,000
Hey, why don't you tell them all
the great detective stuff
451
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:04,400
I did
while he was gone.
452
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:06,667
Well, he interviewed everyone
the mayor has ever known,
453
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,100
put a phone tap
on his house,
454
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:10,300
checked his credit card receipts
for the last 12 months,
455
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:12,133
and snuck off
to his favorite topless bar
456
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,267
and spent our retainer
on table dances.
457
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:14,634
Liar!
458
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,400
You're right. He didn't do
those first three things.
459
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:17,667
Okay, so we're
out of leads.
460
00:17:17,734 --> 00:17:19,000
It doesn't matter.
461
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:22,133
We masters of the craft
find leads where none exist.
462
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:27,801
What, you didn't think
I went in there
463
00:17:27,868 --> 00:17:29,300
to get a lead, did you?
464
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:31,234
(chuckling)
465
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,701
The kidnapper's
a Scorpio.
466
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:37,901
Uh, yes, Mrs., uh, Aaronson?
467
00:17:37,968 --> 00:17:39,567
Yeah, I'm doing a little survey.
468
00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:41,434
Do you happen to know
where the mayor is?
469
00:17:41,501 --> 00:17:43,934
No, huh? Okay.
470
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,267
Yeah, is Betty Abagam there?
471
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,701
Dasvidanya, comrade.
472
00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:51,100
I'm through, Corny.
473
00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:52,167
Ruined! Kaput!
474
00:17:52,234 --> 00:17:54,200
A has-been!
A won't-be! A loser!
475
00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:55,434
I let my kids down.
476
00:17:55,501 --> 00:17:56,434
I let you down.
477
00:17:56,501 --> 00:17:57,501
I might as well
478
00:17:57,567 --> 00:17:59,234
throw away my detective's
license.
479
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:02,868
(sobbing)
480
00:18:02,934 --> 00:18:05,167
I can't believe...
481
00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:10,501
Don't you ever knock?!
482
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:12,567
CORNFED:
Duckman,
take a look at this.
483
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:15,133
Oh, my God!
484
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,234
I can't believe it!
485
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:18,033
I've been drinking
expired milk!
486
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,868
I was referring
to this picture
487
00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:22,501
of the mayor, bound and gagged,
with Le Francis behind him,
488
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:24,901
holding a gun to his head,
leading to the conclusion
489
00:18:24,968 --> 00:18:26,434
that Le Francis
kidnapped the mayor
490
00:18:26,501 --> 00:18:28,033
and is keeping him
at the dairy he owns--
491
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:29,868
the same dairy that the mayor
wanted to shut down
492
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:32,434
because Le Francis
wasn't paying any taxes.
493
00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:33,767
Uh-huh.
One question.
494
00:18:33,834 --> 00:18:43,000
Can you get sick from drinking
spoiled milk?
495
00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:44,367
Ew!
496
00:18:44,434 --> 00:18:45,801
Son of a...
497
00:18:45,868 --> 00:18:46,901
All right, this is it.
498
00:18:46,968 --> 00:18:49,634
This is what
we detectives live for.
499
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,467
The big bust!
500
00:18:51,534 --> 00:18:52,801
Pervert!
501
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,300
Look at the size
of those udders.
502
00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:58,634
That's our milking area.
503
00:18:58,701 --> 00:19:00,501
We milk the cows
about once a week
504
00:19:00,567 --> 00:19:02,100
so they don't get
sore teats.
505
00:19:03,834 --> 00:19:05,234
(both chuckling)
506
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:06,467
Can I help you
with something?
507
00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:09,200
Um, we're with
the American Milk Society,
508
00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:12,067
and we're doing a film
on, uh... milking.
509
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:14,167
Mind if we poke around
in areas
510
00:19:14,234 --> 00:19:17,267
not usually open to people
looking for a kidnap victim?
511
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:18,834
Nah. Go ahead.
512
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:21,267
All right, there you have it.
Superior detective skills.
513
00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:23,701
That's what separates the true
detectives from the pretenders.
514
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,667
The ability to assume
a new identity
515
00:19:25,734 --> 00:19:27,734
to move in secrecy
like a prowler in the night
516
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:29,567
leaving no trail,
no scent.
517
00:19:29,634 --> 00:19:31,467
MAN:
Phone call
for private detective!
518
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,534
That's me!
519
00:19:33,601 --> 00:19:34,601
Hello.
520
00:19:34,667 --> 00:19:35,767
Bernice?!
521
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:38,067
I told you never
to call me... anywhere!
522
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:40,801
Yuck. No, I won't
whisper that to the cameraman.
523
00:19:40,868 --> 00:19:42,267
Uh, Duckman...
524
00:19:42,334 --> 00:19:44,801
I know about the recital.
I don't want to miss it.
525
00:19:44,868 --> 00:19:46,234
If you'd get off the phone,
maybe I could solve this case
526
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:47,467
and get there on time.
527
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,267
I got a hunch I'm onto
something at this dairy.
528
00:19:49,334 --> 00:19:50,934
Bernice, I don't want
to let them down!
529
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,501
I know
I'm their only father.
530
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,501
I'm also the only person
in the world right now
531
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:56,067
who's able
to save the mayor.
532
00:19:56,133 --> 00:19:58,868
See if you can stall the recital
for a few minutes.
533
00:19:58,934 --> 00:20:00,300
I'll try
to find the mayor.
534
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,534
When I do,
I'll be able
535
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,334
to buy the boys
a hundred pianos.
536
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,767
Right, tubas.
537
00:20:05,834 --> 00:20:07,033
(yelling)
538
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:09,100
CROWD (chanting):
Cornfed! Cornfed!
539
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:10,534
Of course
it was dangerous, Mayor,
540
00:20:10,601 --> 00:20:12,467
but that comes
with the territory.
541
00:20:12,534 --> 00:20:13,601
(screaming)
542
00:20:13,667 --> 00:20:14,801
(mooing)
543
00:20:14,868 --> 00:20:17,400
WOMAN:
That's the duck
who put his face
544
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:18,801
between my breasts.
545
00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:22,100
Hey, you can't do this!
546
00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:25,067
This is my ticket
to the big time!
547
00:20:25,133 --> 00:20:27,167
(playing tuba)
548
00:20:27,234 --> 00:20:29,434
(breaking wind)
549
00:20:29,501 --> 00:20:32,033
Hey, that was great!
550
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:33,367
It's like I never
missed your recital.
551
00:20:34,968 --> 00:20:36,534
I tried to make it, kids,
honestly I did.
552
00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:38,267
You guys know I love you.
553
00:20:38,334 --> 00:20:39,667
And to prove it,
I got you something.
554
00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:41,267
I hope it's
the right size.
555
00:20:41,334 --> 00:20:42,501
A sweater!
556
00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:44,734
Who should we thank--
you or the midget
557
00:20:44,801 --> 00:20:46,467
who left it
at the bus depot?
558
00:20:46,534 --> 00:20:47,734
(laughing)
559
00:20:47,801 --> 00:20:48,767
I can't breathe.
560
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:50,467
Where's Mambo?
561
00:20:50,534 --> 00:20:51,968
Well, the mayor's back
in city hall
562
00:20:52,067 --> 00:20:53,767
and Lance Le Francis
is behind bars.
563
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:56,634
And even though I didn't
officially solve the case,
564
00:20:56,701 --> 00:20:58,467
I had my own reward.
565
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:01,534
Today I learned the importance
of being a good father,
566
00:21:01,601 --> 00:21:04,834
and that means being around
when my bogs need me.
567
00:21:04,901 --> 00:21:07,234
Bogs? That should be boys.
568
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,734
You misspelled that on purpose,
didn't you?
569
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,601
You're trying to humiliate me.
570
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:13,467
I tried to have one moment here
and you took it away from me.
571
00:21:13,534 --> 00:21:16,234
Yoo-hoo! Mike?
572
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:17,267
I'm ready to go.
573
00:21:17,334 --> 00:21:18,634
And bring the camera.
574
00:21:18,701 --> 00:21:21,801
And now you're going out
with my sister-in-law?!
575
00:21:21,868 --> 00:21:24,767
Don't you have any ethics,
any morals, any taste?
576
00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:26,234
Well, I've about had it
with you!
577
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:27,434
Ever since you got here,
578
00:21:27,501 --> 00:21:28,801
you've been trying
to make me look bad.
579
00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:31,667
Well, here,
how do I look now?!
580
00:21:31,734 --> 00:21:33,300
(groaning)
581
00:21:33,367 --> 00:21:34,601
Mike? Mike?
582
00:21:34,667 --> 00:21:37,234
Duckman! If he can't walk
out of here on two feet,
583
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,133
you won't
be able to either.
584
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,801
Duckman!
585
00:21:40,868 --> 00:21:42,801
Duckman!
(Duckman yelling)
586
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:44,701
(traffic noise)
42434
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