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1
00:00:02,562 --> 00:00:04,390
- Oh, no. Oh, my God.
- What's wrong?
2
00:00:05,968 --> 00:00:07,054
Oh... never mind.
3
00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,164
I thought Lena Dunham's dog died.
4
00:00:10,671 --> 00:00:11,521
Whew.
5
00:00:11,586 --> 00:00:12,585
It's just my aunt's.
6
00:00:15,990 --> 00:00:17,073
Whoa.
7
00:00:17,098 --> 00:00:18,601
Heather's pregnant.
8
00:00:18,626 --> 00:00:21,342
- Who?
- Heather, she's pregnant.
9
00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:22,843
Ha-ha.
10
00:00:22,868 --> 00:00:24,914
- Holy shit.
- Who's Heather?
11
00:00:24,939 --> 00:00:26,188
Heather.
12
00:00:26,274 --> 00:00:28,074
Yeah, I understand it's
a name commonly given
13
00:00:28,109 --> 00:00:29,992
to human women in the '80s,
14
00:00:30,078 --> 00:00:31,827
but I have no idea who Heather is.
15
00:00:31,913 --> 00:00:32,828
Heather.
16
00:00:32,914 --> 00:00:34,562
Oh, my God.
17
00:00:34,587 --> 00:00:36,342
- Ow!
- How do you not know who Heather is?
18
00:00:36,367 --> 00:00:39,869
Heather of "Heather, Gretchen,
Bernadette, Justine, and Cory."
19
00:00:40,867 --> 00:00:42,324
My main crew, my girls.
20
00:00:42,789 --> 00:00:44,795
I've never heard of any of these people.
21
00:00:44,820 --> 00:00:46,402
Heather used to work with Justine.
22
00:00:46,427 --> 00:00:48,510
But not Tattoo Justine, Ecstasy Justine.
23
00:00:48,657 --> 00:00:50,377
And Bernadette used to
date Rose's boyfriend
24
00:00:50,408 --> 00:00:51,524
when they were in that band together,
25
00:00:51,576 --> 00:00:53,062
and then she started dating Rose.
26
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:54,475
And Cory was the bartender at Pistol
27
00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:55,789
where we used to drink all the time
28
00:00:55,814 --> 00:00:58,320
because they had great trance
night and even better cocaine.
29
00:00:58,536 --> 00:01:02,455
I've literally never heard any
of those words from you before.
30
00:01:02,704 --> 00:01:03,781
Except cocaine.
31
00:01:03,806 --> 00:01:05,556
I can't believe she's pregnant again.
32
00:01:05,773 --> 00:01:06,989
What a dummy.
33
00:01:07,449 --> 00:01:10,156
I wonder how much abobos
even cost these days.
34
00:01:10,181 --> 00:01:11,096
(gasps)
35
00:01:11,121 --> 00:01:12,704
I should offer to go with her.
36
00:01:12,729 --> 00:01:14,646
We could get
post-abobo Mani-pedis.
37
00:01:14,855 --> 00:01:18,428
Oh, Gretchen, you don't need
to pretend you have friends.
38
00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:20,117
What? I have friends.
39
00:01:20,142 --> 00:01:22,102
No, there's nothing wrong
with not having friends.
40
00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:24,099
I don't.
41
00:01:24,559 --> 00:01:25,562
You don't have any friends?
42
00:01:25,587 --> 00:01:27,906
Nope, friends are for babies.
43
00:01:27,990 --> 00:01:30,207
Even my grandma has tons of friends.
44
00:01:30,239 --> 00:01:32,350
You never outgrow the need
to feel connected to people.
45
00:01:32,982 --> 00:01:34,187
Nah, not me.
46
00:01:34,390 --> 00:01:35,578
So if you're so close,
47
00:01:35,603 --> 00:01:37,555
why haven't I met any of these "girls"?
48
00:01:37,992 --> 00:01:39,414
I haven't seen 'em in a couple months.
49
00:01:39,741 --> 00:01:40,859
Been super busy.
50
00:01:40,884 --> 00:01:42,140
Yeah, with my dick.
51
00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:45,820
Sorry, I've been doing
a lot of online gaming.
52
00:01:46,087 --> 00:01:48,671
I'm in a war with this
autistic kid from Sweden
53
00:01:48,696 --> 00:01:50,101
who keeps blocking me on Instagram.
54
00:01:50,286 --> 00:01:51,485
Oh, you're on Instagram?
55
00:01:51,510 --> 00:01:54,127
Yeah, mostly I just use it to stalk Vernon.
56
00:01:54,152 --> 00:01:55,750
His photos are tragic.
57
00:01:55,775 --> 00:01:56,908
Ooh, I want to see.
58
00:01:57,342 --> 00:01:58,308
(laughs)
59
00:01:58,333 --> 00:02:00,085
Did he get a selfie stick?
60
00:02:01,086 --> 00:02:02,368
- What the... ?
- (phone dings)
61
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,900
- What did you just do?
- I accidentally liked his photo.
62
00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:06,620
Oh, quick, uh, unlike it.
63
00:02:06,645 --> 00:02:08,338
Goddamn it, woman!
64
00:02:08,363 --> 00:02:09,445
I did it really fast.
65
00:02:09,470 --> 00:02:10,925
I'm sure he didn't even notice.
66
00:02:10,950 --> 00:02:12,487
(chuckling): Oh, my God!
67
00:02:13,056 --> 00:02:14,277
Finally happened!
68
00:02:16,555 --> 00:02:17,670
Sorry about that.
69
00:02:17,695 --> 00:02:21,580
Yeah, so... turns out,
you're gonna lose the leg.
70
00:02:22,011 --> 00:02:23,042
Yes.
71
00:02:29,972 --> 00:02:33,085
I'm gonna leave you anyway
72
00:02:33,110 --> 00:02:35,393
I'm gonna leave you anyway
73
00:02:35,418 --> 00:02:36,808
Gonna leave you anyway.
74
00:02:36,833 --> 00:02:38,833
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
75
00:02:41,284 --> 00:02:42,200
(Lindsay sighs)
76
00:02:42,225 --> 00:02:44,308
You're so lucky you live near water.
77
00:02:45,216 --> 00:02:46,966
You live half a mile from the ocean.
78
00:02:47,051 --> 00:02:49,302
Ugh, seagulls, sand dollars.
79
00:02:49,387 --> 00:02:52,221
Fat people in blankets
drinking orange soda.
80
00:02:52,307 --> 00:02:54,307
- No thanks, ocean.
- (cell phone chimes)
81
00:02:54,452 --> 00:02:56,953
Ooh, another dick pic.
82
00:02:56,978 --> 00:02:58,978
And... forwarded.
83
00:02:59,063 --> 00:03:01,063
Online dating is so fun.
84
00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:02,231
Who are you forwarding them to?
85
00:03:02,317 --> 00:03:04,339
This gay porn site pays
me ten bucks a dick.
86
00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:06,759
(gasps) I have a job.
87
00:03:07,675 --> 00:03:08,988
(chuckles)
88
00:03:09,073 --> 00:03:10,156
Look.
89
00:03:10,241 --> 00:03:12,241
Ew, whose pee stick is that?
90
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,911
Heather, she got herself knocked up again.
91
00:03:15,175 --> 00:03:17,158
You know, "Heather,
Bernadette, Justine, Cory."
92
00:03:17,183 --> 00:03:18,416
Oh, yeah.
93
00:03:18,441 --> 00:03:20,675
I haven't seen those basic hos in a minute.
94
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,658
Probably 'cause you went
into hiding on the west side
95
00:03:22,683 --> 00:03:23,894
where no cool girls deign to go.
96
00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:27,951
Well, I'm back in the real world
and crushing this dick pic game.
97
00:03:27,976 --> 00:03:29,091
Well, I'm glad.
98
00:03:29,177 --> 00:03:30,810
I was a little worried
about you after Paul left.
99
00:03:30,895 --> 00:03:32,144
I'm not gonna lie.
100
00:03:32,230 --> 00:03:34,146
It's hard when you
reach over in the morning
101
00:03:34,232 --> 00:03:35,815
and there's no one there
102
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:37,149
except for the sandwich
you fell asleep eating.
103
00:03:37,235 --> 00:03:39,151
You need closure from that nerd.
104
00:03:39,237 --> 00:03:40,237
(gasps)
105
00:03:40,271 --> 00:03:42,855
You know what? I'm gonna have a party.
106
00:03:42,941 --> 00:03:45,241
Mmm. Reconnect with my girls, throw
down old-school like we used to.
107
00:03:45,276 --> 00:03:47,243
I've been looking to rub Paul's face
108
00:03:47,278 --> 00:03:49,737
in how dope I look and how fun my life is.
109
00:03:49,792 --> 00:03:51,258
Inviting him to a get-together
110
00:03:51,283 --> 00:03:53,803
where I'm smooching some Tinder
rando is a perfect way to do it.
111
00:03:53,908 --> 00:03:55,858
It's not a "get-together," it's a party.
112
00:03:55,883 --> 00:03:57,132
My girls don't do "get-togethers."
113
00:03:57,157 --> 00:03:59,213
Par-tay.
114
00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:01,071
Par-tay...
115
00:04:02,782 --> 00:04:04,698
Excuse me!
116
00:04:05,627 --> 00:04:07,026
You dropped something!
117
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,832
No, it's more to the left.
118
00:04:11,526 --> 00:04:14,347
(Lindsay and Gretchen laugh)
119
00:04:15,394 --> 00:04:16,643
I really think
120
00:04:16,668 --> 00:04:18,636
Lindsay is beginning to
consider me, you know?
121
00:04:18,661 --> 00:04:20,222
- Sexually.
- Ugh.
122
00:04:20,247 --> 00:04:21,683
I was wondering if I should make a move.
123
00:04:22,534 --> 00:04:23,878
That's a terrible idea.
124
00:04:23,903 --> 00:04:26,487
That's exactly what I thought,
because she's still married.
125
00:04:26,906 --> 00:04:28,214
That's not what I meant.
126
00:04:28,239 --> 00:04:30,072
I mean, I come from a family of honor.
127
00:04:31,321 --> 00:04:32,988
Well, directly, I come from a family
128
00:04:33,013 --> 00:04:34,429
of home invaders, identity thieves
129
00:04:34,454 --> 00:04:37,534
and, in my Uncle Xavier's case,
the butt-stabber of San Pasqual.
130
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,925
But my lineage is one of honor,
131
00:04:39,950 --> 00:04:42,144
and so to clean the deck ethically,
132
00:04:42,859 --> 00:04:45,643
I'm gonna ask Paul for
permission to pursue his wife.
133
00:04:46,323 --> 00:04:48,239
Please videotape that exchange.
134
00:04:48,271 --> 00:04:51,127
That way, I'll be free to
put the moves on Lindsay
135
00:04:51,152 --> 00:04:53,066
at our party.
136
00:04:53,598 --> 00:04:54,681
What party?
137
00:04:54,766 --> 00:04:56,516
Gretchen's throwing a party for her girls.
138
00:04:56,909 --> 00:04:58,730
I never agreed to a party.
139
00:04:58,755 --> 00:04:59,704
We proxy-voted you.
140
00:04:59,877 --> 00:05:01,159
You lost
two-to-one.
141
00:05:01,656 --> 00:05:03,761
Wait, if you didn't know about the party,
142
00:05:04,326 --> 00:05:06,097
why'd you think we bought all this alcohol?
143
00:05:06,122 --> 00:05:09,159
Oh, great, now I have to go
back to the store for my stuff.
144
00:05:17,386 --> 00:05:18,448
Edgar.
145
00:05:20,066 --> 00:05:22,639
How nice of you to visit my
little backyard Shangri-la.
146
00:05:22,724 --> 00:05:24,474
(chuckles)
147
00:05:24,932 --> 00:05:26,098
Wh-Whose house is this?
148
00:05:26,316 --> 00:05:27,992
My biking buddy Connor.
149
00:05:28,511 --> 00:05:29,994
His wife Mimi died recently,
150
00:05:30,046 --> 00:05:31,963
and I wanted to make sure he wasn't alone.
151
00:05:32,059 --> 00:05:33,108
What happened?
152
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,049
Recumbent bikes have many good qualities,
153
00:05:35,074 --> 00:05:37,608
but they're sometimes
hard to see from up high.
154
00:05:37,721 --> 00:05:38,948
Oh, no.
155
00:05:38,973 --> 00:05:41,308
The driver of the semi
never knew she was there.
156
00:05:41,422 --> 00:05:43,978
Poor thing was dragged three miles.
157
00:05:44,003 --> 00:05:46,844
You've never seen Connor pedal so fast.
158
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,681
He kept motioning frantically
for the truck to stop,
159
00:05:50,003 --> 00:05:52,097
but the driver thought
he wanted him to honk.
160
00:05:52,323 --> 00:05:55,486
She was actually alive until
the semi got on the freeway.
161
00:05:55,511 --> 00:05:56,738
Well, that's the most terrible story...
162
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:59,607
Sad thing is, Mimi didn't
want to go out that day
163
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:03,330
because her safety flag had been
stolen outside the junior high.
164
00:06:03,355 --> 00:06:05,697
But Connor told her they
could stop at the bike store
165
00:06:05,749 --> 00:06:08,400
after they raced to Starbucks for tea.
166
00:06:08,612 --> 00:06:10,306
Uh, please give my condolences to Con...
167
00:06:10,331 --> 00:06:13,947
The really sad thing is that
Connor wanted to let Mimi win
168
00:06:13,972 --> 00:06:16,541
because her impetigo had
been flaring up again.
169
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,009
That's the only reason she
reached the intersection first.
170
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,961
I don't need to hear every...
171
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:23,715
The extra sad thing is, the
whole time she was being dragged
172
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,072
towards the on-ramp,
she was texting Connor.
173
00:06:27,097 --> 00:06:28,853
Her phone still accessible in its holder
174
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,605
on the handlebars, you see?
175
00:06:31,378 --> 00:06:32,941
I saw the texts.
176
00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:34,839
They're quite chilling.
177
00:06:37,972 --> 00:06:39,614
You had something you wanted to talk about?
178
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,369
Yeah, I have to be up front with you.
179
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:44,796
I'm gonna go after your woman.
180
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,566
Please don't go after Amy.
181
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,412
Oh, uh, no.
182
00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:50,089
- Lindsay.
- Oh.
183
00:06:51,235 --> 00:06:54,810
Well... I'm actually glad
to hear she's moving on.
184
00:06:55,245 --> 00:06:57,550
Now I can move Amy out of the Days Inn.
185
00:06:57,575 --> 00:06:58,490
Then it's a win-win.
186
00:06:58,622 --> 00:07:00,538
Few of those in this world.
187
00:07:00,563 --> 00:07:02,128
(man sobs loudly)
188
00:07:05,314 --> 00:07:07,550
Tea time's always hardest for Connor.
189
00:07:09,749 --> 00:07:11,616
190
00:07:33,168 --> 00:07:35,919
My date tonight is everything Paul isn't.
191
00:07:36,285 --> 00:07:38,235
He's tall, he's thin, he's dumb.
192
00:07:38,821 --> 00:07:39,871
Look.
193
00:07:40,316 --> 00:07:41,849
And he's fun, too.
194
00:07:41,874 --> 00:07:43,612
He spells "titties" with a "Z."
195
00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:44,832
You're so getting murdered.
196
00:07:44,857 --> 00:07:45,889
I know.
197
00:07:52,217 --> 00:07:53,300
Hello.
198
00:07:53,325 --> 00:07:55,027
Um, excuse me.
199
00:07:55,052 --> 00:07:56,885
Excu...
200
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:57,910
Hello.
201
00:07:59,051 --> 00:08:00,355
Can you read?
202
00:08:16,558 --> 00:08:18,566
Why is Killian bartending?
203
00:08:18,591 --> 00:08:20,808
Oh, while I was unloading
the car, he snuck up on me
204
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,633
and said that things were scary
205
00:08:22,658 --> 00:08:25,042
because his parents were
taking some time apart.
206
00:08:25,436 --> 00:08:27,144
Then he asked if we were having a party.
207
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,428
He caught me at a weak moment.
208
00:08:29,513 --> 00:08:30,894
So you put him to work?
209
00:08:31,493 --> 00:08:32,308
What?
210
00:08:32,333 --> 00:08:35,525
I'm supposed to just let him
mingle at an adult gathering?
211
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:36,816
Good point.
212
00:08:36,841 --> 00:08:39,441
I am so stoked for you to meet my girls!
213
00:08:39,473 --> 00:08:40,972
- Ugh.
- They're super hard-core.
214
00:08:40,997 --> 00:08:42,796
Bernadette is such a lush.
215
00:08:42,959 --> 00:08:44,925
And no shit, I wouldn't be surprised
216
00:08:45,055 --> 00:08:46,054
if Justine tried to blow you.
217
00:08:46,256 --> 00:08:47,305
She bangs everyone's boyfriends.
218
00:08:47,330 --> 00:08:49,296
Then she's super apologetic about it.
219
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:50,753
This party's gonna be so dope.
220
00:08:50,870 --> 00:08:52,703
I thought it was a get-together.
221
00:08:52,728 --> 00:08:54,066
We have a bartender.
222
00:09:00,544 --> 00:09:01,925
LINDSAY: Oh, no.
223
00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:03,900
Gretchen, I've been catfished.
224
00:09:04,036 --> 00:09:05,769
Oh, buddy.
225
00:09:05,794 --> 00:09:07,126
He's actually a
nine-year-old boy.
226
00:09:07,151 --> 00:09:08,784
His stepmom caught him
sexting with some other skank,
227
00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:10,581
and she wrote to me.
228
00:09:10,804 --> 00:09:13,167
No wonder he didn't know
how to spell titties.
229
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:14,585
What am I gonna do now?
230
00:09:14,610 --> 00:09:16,737
Paul is coming; I'm gonna
look like such a loser.
231
00:09:18,144 --> 00:09:19,191
How old are you?
232
00:09:19,216 --> 00:09:20,840
Sorry, ma'am, I'm working.
233
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:22,443
They're here.
234
00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:24,567
Bitches!
235
00:09:24,652 --> 00:09:25,484
(gasps) Oh.
236
00:09:25,536 --> 00:09:27,486
Shh... (laughs)
237
00:09:27,538 --> 00:09:30,527
Whoa, did you bring your
own pony keg to the party?
238
00:09:30,552 --> 00:09:31,292
You drunk.
239
00:09:31,317 --> 00:09:32,317
It's a baby.
240
00:09:32,342 --> 00:09:34,225
Oh, why do you have a baby?
241
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:36,083
Because I had a baby.
242
00:09:36,547 --> 00:09:38,277
Oh.
243
00:09:38,302 --> 00:09:40,252
Okay.
244
00:09:40,277 --> 00:09:41,745
You're not still pregnant, are you?
245
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,332
I think so.
246
00:09:43,357 --> 00:09:44,406
Ew, I'm sorry.
247
00:09:44,431 --> 00:09:45,550
I hate that.
248
00:09:45,575 --> 00:09:47,339
I mean, if you're willing
to drive to Whittier,
249
00:09:47,364 --> 00:09:48,817
there's this place you can just walk in.
250
00:09:48,842 --> 00:09:49,987
It's right near a Marie Callender's.
251
00:09:50,012 --> 00:09:50,886
We can make a day of it.
252
00:09:50,911 --> 00:09:52,433
- What are you drinking?
- I'm not.
253
00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:53,938
I mean, if you're getting rid of it...
254
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:56,839
Oh...
255
00:09:57,735 --> 00:09:58,566
Huh.
256
00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:01,128
Where's Cory?
257
00:10:01,153 --> 00:10:03,394
She hit a bit of a rough patch.
258
00:10:03,496 --> 00:10:04,847
What's going on?
259
00:10:04,879 --> 00:10:07,925
We're "Heather, Gretchen,
Bernadette, Justine and Cory."
260
00:10:08,050 --> 00:10:11,245
None of us have actually had
much time to hang in a while,
261
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,980
so this is like a
mini-reunion for us, too.
262
00:10:14,005 --> 00:10:15,128
Okay.
263
00:10:15,311 --> 00:10:16,561
Well...
264
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,175
please tell me you're
still a total alcoholic.
265
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,269
(scoffs) Of course.
266
00:10:20,294 --> 00:10:23,128
- Thank God.
- I do. Every day.
267
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:24,722
Jesus Christ.
268
00:10:29,479 --> 00:10:30,644
Hey.
269
00:10:30,669 --> 00:10:31,839
We're out of chips.
270
00:10:32,410 --> 00:10:33,862
Uh...
271
00:10:33,887 --> 00:10:35,522
Listen, I've been thinking a lot
272
00:10:35,547 --> 00:10:37,689
about what happened the other night.
273
00:10:37,714 --> 00:10:39,415
- What happened?
- Well, I know that I was
274
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,523
"taking photos" of you
for "dating purposes"
275
00:10:41,548 --> 00:10:43,248
with "guys who have a lot of money
276
00:10:43,273 --> 00:10:44,648
and/or giant hogs... "
277
00:10:44,673 --> 00:10:46,389
You memorized my profile.
278
00:10:46,424 --> 00:10:48,284
Look, Lindsay,
279
00:10:48,753 --> 00:10:50,487
I'm in a really good place right now.
280
00:10:50,823 --> 00:10:51,909
I feel strong
281
00:10:51,934 --> 00:10:53,216
and ever since you got separated from...
282
00:10:53,682 --> 00:10:55,431
- Paul.
- Right, Paul.
283
00:10:55,483 --> 00:10:56,902
- So I...
- Hello, Lindsay.
284
00:10:58,168 --> 00:10:59,217
Edgar.
285
00:10:59,252 --> 00:11:00,769
- Hey...
- Hello, Paul.
286
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,464
Look, Lindsay,
287
00:11:02,489 --> 00:11:05,511
we didn't want to ambush you, but, uh...
288
00:11:05,911 --> 00:11:07,277
What the farts?
289
00:11:07,302 --> 00:11:08,722
Hi, Lindsay.
290
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,118
Listen, I'd never want to make you feel
291
00:11:11,143 --> 00:11:13,573
uncomfortable at your own party.
292
00:11:13,614 --> 00:11:15,281
Paul told me you'd be okay with this,
293
00:11:15,306 --> 00:11:17,870
but eek, you know?
294
00:11:18,070 --> 00:11:20,487
I'd feel better if I heard
it from the ol' horse's mouth.
295
00:11:20,512 --> 00:11:22,179
Are you calling me an old horse?
296
00:11:22,502 --> 00:11:24,960
And scout's honor, if
you want us to skedaddle,
297
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:27,421
well, we'll get skedaddlin'.
298
00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:31,713
Well... (laughs)
299
00:11:31,738 --> 00:11:33,163
it might have been a little weird,
300
00:11:33,188 --> 00:11:36,608
but ever since... (laughs)
301
00:11:37,257 --> 00:11:38,788
this happened,
302
00:11:38,813 --> 00:11:41,731
any jealous bone has left my body.
303
00:11:41,983 --> 00:11:43,764
Old bone out, new bone in.
304
00:11:44,032 --> 00:11:45,949
AMY: Okay. Phew.
305
00:11:46,309 --> 00:11:47,592
(giggles) I'm Amy Cadingle.
306
00:11:47,617 --> 00:11:49,367
Edgar Quintero.
307
00:11:49,392 --> 00:11:50,921
- Lindsay's honey.
- Mm-hmm.
308
00:11:50,946 --> 00:11:52,131
Edgar.
309
00:11:52,156 --> 00:11:53,436
F.T.W.
310
00:11:54,366 --> 00:11:55,600
That means "for the win."
311
00:11:55,625 --> 00:11:57,772
(both laugh)
312
00:12:06,108 --> 00:12:07,220
(door opens)
313
00:12:07,245 --> 00:12:07,952
Hey!
314
00:12:08,096 --> 00:12:09,979
There you are. I got your message
315
00:12:10,004 --> 00:12:11,253
on my 'Gram.
316
00:12:11,278 --> 00:12:12,389
Received loud and clear.
317
00:12:12,414 --> 00:12:13,897
Oh, goddamn it, Gretchen.
318
00:12:13,922 --> 00:12:15,038
I don't know what it is
319
00:12:15,063 --> 00:12:17,374
about us that our
relaish keeps going south.
320
00:12:17,399 --> 00:12:18,921
Maybe we just have too much in common.
321
00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,230
We have nothing in common.
322
00:12:20,255 --> 00:12:22,147
We're like Hall & Oates.
323
00:12:22,505 --> 00:12:23,587
There's clearly
324
00:12:23,612 --> 00:12:25,529
frisson between them, you know?
325
00:12:25,554 --> 00:12:29,273
And maybe it's the
electricity of two alphas
326
00:12:29,298 --> 00:12:32,333
that's caused them to churn
out the finest catalog of hits
327
00:12:32,358 --> 00:12:33,358
in pop history.
328
00:12:33,867 --> 00:12:36,467
So let's get past all this nonsense
329
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:38,482
and make our "Method of Modern Love."
330
00:12:38,928 --> 00:12:41,279
That isn't even one of their better songs.
331
00:12:42,163 --> 00:12:43,413
You're right.
332
00:12:43,786 --> 00:12:45,358
It's their best song.
333
00:12:45,453 --> 00:12:46,974
- We have a great rapport.
- (groans)
334
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,905
You should do my podcast.
335
00:12:48,930 --> 00:12:49,846
(Jimmy laughs)
336
00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:51,592
PAUL: Jimmy!
337
00:12:51,617 --> 00:12:53,483
Great party!
338
00:12:53,508 --> 00:12:55,307
I have a girlfriend.
339
00:12:55,332 --> 00:12:56,264
(laughing)
340
00:12:57,587 --> 00:12:59,487
JUSTINE: It wasn't really my intention
341
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,312
to get into education,
342
00:13:01,337 --> 00:13:03,337
but when I substituted that first day,
343
00:13:03,362 --> 00:13:05,445
it just kind of... clicked.
344
00:13:06,666 --> 00:13:09,077
Remember when you had that birthday party
345
00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:10,655
and we locked you in your bedroom
346
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,311
'cause you were yelling at your guests
347
00:13:12,336 --> 00:13:14,061
and threatening suicide by cop?
348
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:15,631
Mmm. Unfortunately.
349
00:13:15,656 --> 00:13:17,355
And then you climbed out the fire escape
350
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:18,303
and came back in the front
351
00:13:18,351 --> 00:13:20,335
and yelled, "I'm back, cocksuckers!"
352
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:21,272
(laughs)
353
00:13:21,297 --> 00:13:23,217
That was hilarious!
354
00:13:23,242 --> 00:13:24,825
That was mortifying,
355
00:13:24,949 --> 00:13:26,241
- actually.
- It's a great story.
356
00:13:26,266 --> 00:13:28,466
I have enough of those to last a lifetime.
357
00:13:29,319 --> 00:13:30,155
Yeah.
358
00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:31,264
Well.
359
00:13:31,761 --> 00:13:34,381
Seriously, thanks for inviting
us to your get-together.
360
00:13:34,406 --> 00:13:37,147
- Party.
- It seems more like a get-together.
361
00:13:37,172 --> 00:13:38,922
It's a goddamn party...
362
00:13:38,947 --> 00:13:40,249
Okay, Gretchen.
363
00:13:40,274 --> 00:13:41,323
Oh, my God. Look.
364
00:13:43,788 --> 00:13:44,870
Cory!
365
00:13:44,922 --> 00:13:46,789
Thank God you're here.
366
00:13:46,874 --> 00:13:47,840
How are you?
367
00:13:47,875 --> 00:13:49,675
Need A Drink status.
368
00:13:51,716 --> 00:13:53,319
CORY: Ah. That's better.
369
00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:58,124
'Sup?
370
00:13:58,194 --> 00:13:59,060
Hi, Cor.
371
00:13:59,085 --> 00:14:00,034
Mm-hmm.
372
00:14:00,245 --> 00:14:01,277
What's that?
373
00:14:01,389 --> 00:14:02,585
It's my baby.
374
00:14:02,617 --> 00:14:03,950
Gross.
375
00:14:04,859 --> 00:14:06,577
(baby fusses)
376
00:14:06,617 --> 00:14:08,654
And I'm gonna go over here.
377
00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:10,346
Nice to see you, Cory.
378
00:14:11,245 --> 00:14:12,945
Cor, I'm pregnant. Could you not...
379
00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:14,381
Not smoke at a party?
380
00:14:14,406 --> 00:14:16,440
No, I cannot not smoke at a party.
381
00:14:16,569 --> 00:14:19,577
Can you not bring your
unborn tummy worm to a party?
382
00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:20,702
Gretchen invited us,
383
00:14:20,742 --> 00:14:21,944
offspring and all.
384
00:14:21,969 --> 00:14:23,358
I didn't actually invite babies,
385
00:14:23,383 --> 00:14:25,671
- per se.
- Mega-burn.
386
00:14:25,696 --> 00:14:28,280
Okay. Well, I guess I'm
going over there, too.
387
00:14:31,573 --> 00:14:32,739
I mean...
388
00:14:38,303 --> 00:14:40,705
(exhales) I am so glad you're here.
389
00:14:41,194 --> 00:14:43,796
They are so different, it's insane.
390
00:14:43,881 --> 00:14:44,897
Could I have one of those?
391
00:14:45,616 --> 00:14:46,436
A dollar.
392
00:14:46,461 --> 00:14:47,377
Ha.
393
00:14:47,648 --> 00:14:48,648
Are you serious?
394
00:14:48,673 --> 00:14:50,589
Shit, yeah. It's 2015, bitch,
395
00:14:50,614 --> 00:14:52,580
and EBT ain't even trying
to let me buy smokes anymore.
396
00:14:52,605 --> 00:14:53,737
Never mind.
397
00:14:54,131 --> 00:14:55,624
So what was that all about?
398
00:14:56,327 --> 00:14:58,694
Heather thinks I stole her stereo,
399
00:14:58,780 --> 00:14:59,780
suspicious-ass bitch.
400
00:14:59,864 --> 00:15:01,614
- Oh, my God, that's crazy.
- I know.
401
00:15:01,699 --> 00:15:02,615
I just borrowed it.
402
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:03,740
I was totally gonna get it
403
00:15:03,785 --> 00:15:04,785
back from the pawnshop
404
00:15:04,869 --> 00:15:06,369
and then she got all aggro,
405
00:15:06,454 --> 00:15:07,534
and I was like, screw that.
406
00:15:07,588 --> 00:15:08,704
That no-trusting-ass
bitch.
407
00:15:08,790 --> 00:15:10,006
It was just on principle.
408
00:15:10,349 --> 00:15:11,481
Plus, I had this dog
409
00:15:11,506 --> 00:15:13,256
and it bit this kid in
the face and that was
410
00:15:13,281 --> 00:15:14,197
a whole thing, so it's not like
411
00:15:14,222 --> 00:15:16,139
I wasn't gonna get high.
412
00:15:16,164 --> 00:15:17,330
Yeah. Totally.
413
00:15:17,355 --> 00:15:18,488
So whose house is this?
414
00:15:19,428 --> 00:15:20,466
Mine.
415
00:15:21,147 --> 00:15:22,303
Oh.
416
00:15:22,328 --> 00:15:23,131
(fork clatters)
417
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,475
All right, now tell me whose nut
418
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:25,749
I should suck on.
419
00:15:25,774 --> 00:15:27,413
I got kicked out of the
shelter again for fighting.
420
00:15:29,522 --> 00:15:32,452
PAUL: The amazing thing about 3D puzzles
421
00:15:32,477 --> 00:15:34,764
is that they force you
422
00:15:34,789 --> 00:15:38,014
to use multiple axes
of your cerebral cortex.
423
00:15:38,039 --> 00:15:38,764
(laughs)
424
00:15:38,789 --> 00:15:40,622
Me habla puzzles.
425
00:15:41,039 --> 00:15:42,311
Right? (laughing)
426
00:15:43,296 --> 00:15:44,694
(laughing)
427
00:15:44,719 --> 00:15:46,069
(phone beeping)
428
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:47,261
Ooh, boy.
429
00:15:47,688 --> 00:15:49,639
According to my life-logging app,
430
00:15:49,664 --> 00:15:50,663
I haven't consumed this much alcohol
431
00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:53,356
since after Mimi's funeral.
432
00:15:53,501 --> 00:15:54,633
- (laughing)
- PAUL: Don't worry.
433
00:15:54,669 --> 00:15:57,670
I shall "boot and rally."
434
00:15:57,722 --> 00:15:59,338
(laughs)
435
00:16:00,155 --> 00:16:01,237
Hate that dork.
436
00:16:01,262 --> 00:16:02,616
Why's he got to ruin puzzles
437
00:16:02,641 --> 00:16:03,641
with a third "D"?
438
00:16:04,595 --> 00:16:05,845
Want to game it up?
439
00:16:06,420 --> 00:16:07,702
(sighs)
440
00:16:07,727 --> 00:16:08,727
Sure.
441
00:16:09,826 --> 00:16:11,966
People think Joss Whedon sold out
442
00:16:11,991 --> 00:16:13,216
when he did "The Avengers",
443
00:16:13,241 --> 00:16:14,202
but that's like saying
444
00:16:14,227 --> 00:16:16,161
Hugh Howey should have
never expanded "Wool"
445
00:16:16,186 --> 00:16:18,350
from a Kindle Single to a full novel.
446
00:16:18,375 --> 00:16:20,509
"8:23 p.m. Vomited.
447
00:16:20,765 --> 00:16:22,506
"Color: off-white.
448
00:16:22,531 --> 00:16:25,155
Contents: beer comma hiking gorp."
449
00:16:25,180 --> 00:16:26,379
And there you are, honey.
450
00:16:29,110 --> 00:16:30,110
What's that?
451
00:16:30,135 --> 00:16:31,351
What are you doing with your hands?
452
00:16:31,479 --> 00:16:33,179
Sorry. It's ASL.
453
00:16:33,204 --> 00:16:34,370
I work as an interpreter.
454
00:16:34,395 --> 00:16:35,978
My parents are both deaf.
455
00:16:36,003 --> 00:16:37,118
Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it.
456
00:16:37,143 --> 00:16:38,738
PAUL: I'm learning, too.
457
00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:39,712
(laughs)
458
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:40,737
He's a natural.
459
00:16:43,215 --> 00:16:45,049
Ah, somebody's slurring!
460
00:16:45,074 --> 00:16:46,074
(Paul mock-groans)
461
00:16:46,099 --> 00:16:47,389
(baby coos)
462
00:16:47,414 --> 00:16:49,858
Hey, Gretchen, thanks again,
463
00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,655
but it's kind of late for us.
464
00:16:51,683 --> 00:16:52,732
Don't leave.
465
00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:54,224
I-I'm sorry.
466
00:16:54,249 --> 00:16:55,248
I know it's been, like, almost a year
467
00:16:55,273 --> 00:16:56,889
since I last reached out.
468
00:16:56,914 --> 00:16:57,997
It's been over three years.
469
00:16:58,022 --> 00:16:59,171
It has?
470
00:17:00,264 --> 00:17:01,131
Really?
471
00:17:01,156 --> 00:17:02,071
It's okay.
472
00:17:02,096 --> 00:17:03,096
You know, things change.
473
00:17:03,121 --> 00:17:04,987
That's God's business, not ours.
474
00:17:05,456 --> 00:17:06,475
Come on.
475
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,250
Let's go out some night
soon, just the four of us.
476
00:17:08,275 --> 00:17:09,224
Really catch up.
477
00:17:09,627 --> 00:17:10,826
You can get a babysitter.
478
00:17:10,912 --> 00:17:12,592
Dump the kid, we can party like we used to.
479
00:17:12,617 --> 00:17:13,882
The thing is, Gretchen,
480
00:17:13,914 --> 00:17:15,080
I don't want to dump the kid.
481
00:17:15,531 --> 00:17:16,697
You'll understand someday.
482
00:17:17,188 --> 00:17:18,842
Bye, sweetheart.
483
00:17:26,844 --> 00:17:28,761
(music playing, indistinct chatter)
484
00:17:31,944 --> 00:17:34,702
Hey, I made more mashed
potato savory cupcakes.
485
00:17:34,727 --> 00:17:35,811
I'm not hungry.
486
00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:39,530
Edgar, I'm sorry.
487
00:17:39,740 --> 00:17:41,506
For what?
488
00:17:41,531 --> 00:17:44,210
For using you to try to make Paul jealous.
489
00:17:45,092 --> 00:17:46,612
Amy's great.
490
00:17:46,697 --> 00:17:48,374
Crazy boring
491
00:17:48,399 --> 00:17:50,491
and, yeah, she has that
thing with her eye, but...
492
00:17:51,442 --> 00:17:52,710
she's nice.
493
00:17:53,621 --> 00:17:55,147
And you're nice.
494
00:17:55,955 --> 00:17:57,999
And Paul is nice and I'm...
495
00:17:58,429 --> 00:18:00,929
well... not.
496
00:18:01,343 --> 00:18:02,249
I think you're great...
497
00:18:02,274 --> 00:18:04,107
No, I'm materialistic.
498
00:18:04,496 --> 00:18:06,514
I'm incapable of being alone.
499
00:18:07,217 --> 00:18:09,483
I never really learned
how to shower that good.
500
00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:12,264
I almost always forget
to flush the toilet...
501
00:18:15,319 --> 00:18:16,538
What are you doing?
502
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:17,563
Sorry.
503
00:18:17,871 --> 00:18:19,621
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
504
00:18:21,676 --> 00:18:23,676
(gasps) Good thinking.
505
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:25,618
He's watching. Kiss me harder.
506
00:18:37,882 --> 00:18:39,498
507
00:18:48,483 --> 00:18:50,030
It's just like I told Gretchen.
508
00:18:50,225 --> 00:18:52,225
Friends are for babies.
509
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,083
And just because I fell in feces
510
00:18:54,108 --> 00:18:55,108
and all the kids called me
511
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:57,661
"Shitty Jimmy," and I was
the smartest kid in my class,
512
00:18:57,686 --> 00:19:00,001
that has nothing to do with
why I don't need friends.
513
00:19:00,295 --> 00:19:02,076
Jimmy, I want to tell you something.
514
00:19:02,101 --> 00:19:03,183
I was born dead.
515
00:19:03,269 --> 00:19:04,131
(dart clatters to floor)
516
00:19:04,308 --> 00:19:05,224
Sorry, what?
517
00:19:05,249 --> 00:19:06,420
No pulse.
518
00:19:06,722 --> 00:19:07,722
Totally blue.
519
00:19:08,057 --> 00:19:10,842
I died for, like, 15 minutes.
520
00:19:11,061 --> 00:19:11,944
Then...
521
00:19:11,969 --> 00:19:13,085
Bam!
522
00:19:13,631 --> 00:19:14,411
Alive.
523
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:15,946
You should've seen the priest's face.
524
00:19:16,031 --> 00:19:17,031
If I could change
525
00:19:17,082 --> 00:19:19,116
just one thing about myself,
526
00:19:19,141 --> 00:19:20,941
it'd be that I was born alive.
527
00:19:21,249 --> 00:19:22,592
But you know what I realized?
528
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,702
When it comes down to it,
529
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,123
we're all born dead.
530
00:19:26,452 --> 00:19:28,008
It's only through other people,
531
00:19:28,093 --> 00:19:30,177
through friends, that we become alive.
532
00:19:30,262 --> 00:19:32,819
Not a last-second mucus vacuum.
533
00:19:34,819 --> 00:19:36,300
Thanks, man.
534
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,352
I love you so much.
535
00:19:38,624 --> 00:19:39,269
Get out.
536
00:19:39,305 --> 00:19:40,387
I know it makes
537
00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:42,022
a lot of people uncomfortable,
538
00:19:42,107 --> 00:19:43,974
but you'll see, I am
just like everybody else.
539
00:19:44,026 --> 00:19:45,275
- Mmm.
- Oh.
540
00:19:45,311 --> 00:19:47,144
Thanks for letting me
come to your party, Jimmy.
541
00:19:47,196 --> 00:19:49,146
You're a really good friend.
542
00:19:50,449 --> 00:19:52,032
Oh, goddamn it.
543
00:19:55,147 --> 00:19:56,441
How'd it go with your girls?
544
00:19:57,069 --> 00:19:58,803
They're not my girls anymore.
545
00:19:58,828 --> 00:20:00,301
You were right. Friends are dumb.
546
00:20:00,326 --> 00:20:01,326
I told you.
547
00:20:01,741 --> 00:20:04,608
Those basic hos are super basic.
548
00:20:05,553 --> 00:20:06,997
Ooh...
549
00:20:07,082 --> 00:20:07,999
That's nice.
550
00:20:08,024 --> 00:20:10,277
I didn't know things had changed so much.
551
00:20:10,592 --> 00:20:12,645
I just want to go dancing like we used to.
552
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:13,975
Just one more time.
553
00:20:14,663 --> 00:20:15,472
No, thanks.
554
00:20:15,507 --> 00:20:17,090
I'll go dancing with you.
555
00:20:17,176 --> 00:20:18,392
You will? Okay!
556
00:20:18,477 --> 00:20:19,343
Let's go!
557
00:20:19,395 --> 00:20:21,061
Ooh...
558
00:20:21,146 --> 00:20:22,062
GRETCHEN: I mean...
559
00:20:22,147 --> 00:20:23,480
we have booze and music.
560
00:20:23,515 --> 00:20:24,858
We can just dance here.
561
00:20:24,883 --> 00:20:25,916
That sounds perfect.
562
00:20:26,033 --> 00:20:27,264
Oh, God.
563
00:20:30,113 --> 00:20:32,029
Hey. Where's the stereo?
564
00:20:37,858 --> 00:20:38,940
'Sup, short round?
565
00:20:38,976 --> 00:20:41,052
Want to buy a dope-ass retro turntable?
566
00:20:41,077 --> 00:20:43,241
Comes with most of the wires.
567
00:20:43,266 --> 00:20:44,231
25 bills.
568
00:20:44,626 --> 00:20:45,974
I only made six dollars tonight.
569
00:20:45,999 --> 00:20:47,916
Simple-ass midget.
570
00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:50,802
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
571
00:20:50,852 --> 00:20:55,402
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