Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,170 --> 00:00:02,420
2
00:00:05,765 --> 00:00:09,084
Edgar: Gretchen, will you please
pass the syrup to your boyfriend?
3
00:00:09,114 --> 00:00:10,478
- Gretchen: Ugh!
- Jimmy: We're eating!
4
00:00:10,508 --> 00:00:12,919
Edgar: What? You're
boyfriend-girlfriend now, right?
5
00:00:12,949 --> 00:00:14,039
Gretchen: Sounds so high school.
6
00:00:14,069 --> 00:00:15,652
Edgar: Then what do you call each other?
7
00:00:15,753 --> 00:00:17,541
Your honey? Your boo?
8
00:00:18,146 --> 00:00:19,855
- Your companion?
- Jimmy: What are we, gay
9
00:00:19,885 --> 00:00:21,791
- lovers from the '80s?
- Gretchen: We're not calling
10
00:00:21,821 --> 00:00:24,200
each other anything. We
just made a verbal agreement
11
00:00:24,201 --> 00:00:26,543
not to sleep with other people. For now.
12
00:00:26,573 --> 00:00:28,751
Jimmy: In a week, we could
remember that monogamy is a
13
00:00:28,752 --> 00:00:31,186
social construct free
of biological necessity.
14
00:00:31,216 --> 00:00:33,993
Gretchen: Or we could be invited
to a really fun sex party.
15
00:00:34,023 --> 00:00:35,229
Oh...
16
00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,279
Remember group sex, Jimmy?
17
00:00:39,259 --> 00:00:40,409
Jimmy?
18
00:00:41,105 --> 00:00:42,242
Remember group sex?
19
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,931
- Jimmy?
- Jimmy: Actually, I've never...
20
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:46,184
Gretchen: What?! Not
even a standard threesome?
21
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:48,794
- Edgar: Oh, Jimmy.
- Jimmy: You've had a threesome?
22
00:00:48,795 --> 00:00:51,595
Edgar: I'm an adult
male in my 30s, so, yeah.
23
00:00:51,625 --> 00:00:53,102
(Gretchen and Edgar giggle)
24
00:00:53,436 --> 00:00:58,056
Anyway, uh, Lindsay and I wanted
to celebrate y'all making it official,
25
00:00:58,086 --> 00:01:03,721
so I made a dinner reservation
for four at 8 o'clock.
26
00:01:03,751 --> 00:01:08,000
Oh, hey, I almost forgot.
This package came for you.
27
00:01:08,222 --> 00:01:09,272
Jimmy: Hmm.
28
00:01:26,001 --> 00:01:27,660
(Door shuts)
29
00:01:33,113 --> 00:01:34,993
Edgar: That was weird.
30
00:01:35,491 --> 00:01:40,473
I guess I should go give him one of
my famous Edgar Quintero pep talks.
31
00:01:42,427 --> 00:01:43,427
Wait.
32
00:01:43,457 --> 00:01:46,997
Ha-ha! That's your job now.
33
00:01:47,027 --> 00:01:48,676
Gretchen: What? Ew. Why?
34
00:01:48,706 --> 00:01:50,328
Edgar: Because you're his lady.
35
00:01:50,358 --> 00:01:52,867
Behind every great man
there's a great woman.
36
00:01:53,606 --> 00:01:55,905
Or, you know, someone like you. Go.
37
00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:58,979
I think it's time you got
to know the real Jimmy.
38
00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:02,530
- Gretchen: Do I have to?
- Edgar: Mm-hmm.
39
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:03,588
(Gretchen whimpers)
40
00:02:10,518 --> 00:02:12,467
41
00:02:18,599 --> 00:02:24,086
I'm gonna leave you anyway
I'm gonna leave you anyway
42
00:02:24,116 --> 00:02:26,537
gonna leave you anyway.
43
00:02:26,538 --> 00:02:31,537
- sync & corrections by wolfen -
- www.addic7ed.com -
44
00:02:39,738 --> 00:02:40,901
Jimmy: Yes!
45
00:02:41,550 --> 00:02:42,710
(Jimmy clears throat)
46
00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:44,673
You've sold out of my book.
47
00:02:44,703 --> 00:02:45,894
It just goes to show that with
48
00:02:45,924 --> 00:02:47,903
patience and strong word of
49
00:02:47,904 --> 00:02:49,465
mouth, true literature...
50
00:02:49,495 --> 00:02:51,577
Manager: You've been remaindered, Jimmy.
51
00:02:51,607 --> 00:02:53,592
Your books are probably being
turned into hamster bedding
52
00:02:53,622 --> 00:02:55,011
- right now.
- Jimmy: What?!
53
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:56,604
Well, that seems premature.
54
00:02:56,605 --> 00:02:58,289
Manager: Well, if we suddenly
get a big rush for it, we can
55
00:02:58,319 --> 00:02:59,892
always send people to the dollar
56
00:02:59,922 --> 00:03:00,754
bin at costco.
57
00:03:00,784 --> 00:03:02,820
Jimmy: Oh, you would
buy your food in bulk.
58
00:03:02,821 --> 00:03:03,492
_
59
00:03:03,522 --> 00:03:05,606
Is that the lesbian from Roseanne?
60
00:03:06,347 --> 00:03:08,157
Manager: Yeah. Unlike you,
she wrote a book
61
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:09,679
that's selling actual copies.
62
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,313
Jimmy: Oh, of course she did.
63
00:03:11,314 --> 00:03:13,090
Did they give Darlene a book?
64
00:03:13,545 --> 00:03:15,945
Let's give Becky two a book!
65
00:03:16,967 --> 00:03:20,334
I look forward to your married
with children cast poetry slam.
66
00:03:23,479 --> 00:03:25,590
Gretchen: Dana from work
liked my 'gram of the baby
67
00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:26,886
sneaker in the gutter.
68
00:03:26,916 --> 00:03:30,508
Jimmy: And her Internet approval
is meaningful because...?
69
00:03:30,538 --> 00:03:33,590
Gretchen: I like her and I don't
have a lot of female friends.
70
00:03:33,620 --> 00:03:35,511
I think women are intimidated by me
71
00:03:35,541 --> 00:03:37,226
because I have mean cartoon eyebrows.
72
00:03:37,256 --> 00:03:38,935
Jimmy: Ah.
73
00:03:40,183 --> 00:03:42,234
Gretchen: So, uh...
74
00:03:42,835 --> 00:03:46,712
What's new? Listen, if something is
75
00:03:46,742 --> 00:03:51,814
bothering you and you want to
talk about it, I will listen.
76
00:03:51,844 --> 00:03:54,127
Or if you just want to pretend
that nothing happened, that's
77
00:03:54,157 --> 00:03:57,657
- totally fine, too.
- Jimmy: It was a package from my dad.
78
00:03:57,858 --> 00:03:59,141
A Manchester jersey.
79
00:03:59,610 --> 00:04:02,608
I don't even like sports...
Especially Manchester,
80
00:04:02,869 --> 00:04:06,800
the team that ruined every
Saturday of my entire childhood.
81
00:04:07,235 --> 00:04:11,440
Also, I sent him a copy of
my book, like, months ago.
82
00:04:11,708 --> 00:04:14,272
He didn't say anything about it.
83
00:04:16,137 --> 00:04:18,961
Instead, he sends me
gareth Henderson gear.
84
00:04:21,162 --> 00:04:22,072
Gretchen: Well, great.
85
00:04:22,102 --> 00:04:24,289
I'm glad you got that off your chest.
86
00:04:24,580 --> 00:04:27,647
Look! Lena Dunham's dog got a haircut.
87
00:04:27,648 --> 00:04:30,602
Jimmy: I mean, does he think
that after, what, 30-odd years
88
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:33,646
on this planet, I'm magically
going to start sharing his
89
00:04:33,676 --> 00:04:35,891
- interests in...
- Edgar: Uh, still
90
00:04:35,921 --> 00:04:37,806
waiting for our friends.
91
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:45,262
- How are you?
- Lindsay: No one ever asks me that!
92
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,711
But since you did,
93
00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:51,203
I cheated on my husband with
a 19-year-old, named Aiden.
94
00:04:51,233 --> 00:04:54,233
Edgar: Wow... Do you feel guilty?
95
00:04:54,263 --> 00:04:59,194
Lindsay: Ooh, good question.
Honestly, I kind of feel like
96
00:04:59,224 --> 00:05:02,830
two different people right now.
There's wife Lindsay who helps
97
00:05:02,860 --> 00:05:06,497
Paul with gravestone rubbings
on his genealogy trips.
98
00:05:06,941 --> 00:05:09,576
And then there's adulteress
Lindsay who just wants to sit on
99
00:05:09,606 --> 00:05:12,397
- everyone's face.
- Edgar: Sometimes I feel like
100
00:05:12,427 --> 00:05:15,234
there's veteran Edgar and regular Edgar.
101
00:05:15,264 --> 00:05:16,761
Lindsay: So feeling like this is normal?
102
00:05:16,791 --> 00:05:19,504
Edgar: Maybe. Although,
I do have a traumatic
103
00:05:19,534 --> 00:05:21,033
- brain injury.
- Lindsay: Me, too!
104
00:05:21,063 --> 00:05:22,216
- Edgar: Huh?
- Lindsay: One time I was at a
105
00:05:22,217 --> 00:05:25,823
rave and I stared at a strobe
light so long I forgot how to whistle.
106
00:05:26,788 --> 00:05:28,308
What'd you do today?
107
00:05:28,338 --> 00:05:30,442
- Edgar: Nothing.
- Lindsay: Oh, my God!
108
00:05:30,472 --> 00:05:32,234
- Me, too!
- Edgar: With Gretchen around,
109
00:05:32,269 --> 00:05:34,581
I don't have much to do
for Jimmy anymore.
110
00:05:34,611 --> 00:05:38,667
I feel this is, like, a new chapter
in my friendship with him.
111
00:05:38,858 --> 00:05:41,312
Hey, this is nice.
112
00:05:41,342 --> 00:05:44,958
I can't remember the last time Jimmy
asked me a question about myself.
113
00:05:44,988 --> 00:05:47,810
Lindsay: I've been trying to talk
to Gretchen about Aiden for days.
114
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:51,812
Edgar: We should just ignore them
tonight until they ask about us.
115
00:05:51,813 --> 00:05:53,996
Lindsay: Ooh, I love that.
116
00:05:54,026 --> 00:05:57,064
Like an experiment, but without
the boring science part like
117
00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:59,042
milligrams and elements and shit.
118
00:05:59,072 --> 00:06:01,434
Edgar (Chuckling): Great!
119
00:06:02,997 --> 00:06:04,820
Lindsay: They're not showing up, are they?
120
00:06:04,850 --> 00:06:06,378
Edgar: I don't think so, no.
121
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:10,370
Jimmy: I wrote a novel and still
there's no response from him.
122
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,200
He's barely literate,
123
00:06:12,230 --> 00:06:17,012
so who knows if he could even read it,
but if he did manage to sound it out,
124
00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:20,523
it'd just be nice to hear
that he was proud of me.
125
00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:22,083
You know?
126
00:06:27,107 --> 00:06:29,216
- Are you listening to me?
- Gretchen: What?
127
00:06:29,525 --> 00:06:32,410
Of course. I just, I listen better
128
00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,602
when I have something
to do with my hands.
129
00:06:34,632 --> 00:06:36,188
Jimmy: Okay.
130
00:06:36,836 --> 00:06:38,277
That bikini top doesn't have straps.
131
00:06:38,307 --> 00:06:39,688
Gretchen: Oh, good call.
132
00:06:39,689 --> 00:06:42,058
My eyes always go straight to the bush.
133
00:06:47,530 --> 00:06:50,104
Gretchen: I know it's, like,
my "job" to be there for him,
134
00:06:50,134 --> 00:06:52,279
but at one point, I thought he
was gonna cry, and I was like,
135
00:06:52,309 --> 00:06:53,973
"this is it. I'm never going to be able to
136
00:06:53,974 --> 00:06:56,018
have sex with him again."
I just don't think I'm equipped
137
00:06:56,019 --> 00:06:58,293
to handle this part of a relationship.
138
00:06:58,812 --> 00:07:01,967
- I will sample the aztec vanilla.
- Wallace: It's do-it-yourself now.
139
00:07:02,223 --> 00:07:04,297
One sample cup per customer.
140
00:07:04,889 --> 00:07:06,249
So I guess you guys feel pretty...
141
00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:07,944
Lindsay: I know what
you mean about emotions.
142
00:07:07,974 --> 00:07:11,274
Ever since I cheated on Paul,
I've been feeling hella guilty.
143
00:07:11,275 --> 00:07:13,252
Wallace: You can't reuse the sample cups.
144
00:07:13,282 --> 00:07:15,293
Lindsay: Part of me thinks
I should just tell Paul.
145
00:07:15,294 --> 00:07:17,761
- What do you think?
- Wallace: It's like you guys
146
00:07:17,791 --> 00:07:20,094
- willfully don't even hear me.
- Lindsay: I could just take
147
00:07:20,095 --> 00:07:23,148
this one to the grave. Like Titanic said,
148
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:27,947
a woman's heart is an
ocean of secrets. Right?
149
00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:31,249
Hello? Are you even listening to me?
150
00:07:31,279 --> 00:07:33,419
Gretchen: Yes, totally. I just listen
better when I have
151
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,386
- something to do with my mouth.
- Lindsay: So, what do you
152
00:07:35,416 --> 00:07:37,310
- think I should do?
- Gretchen: Honestly, Linds,
153
00:07:37,340 --> 00:07:39,904
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but I can't take it anymore.
154
00:07:40,190 --> 00:07:42,865
First, you get these new
berkin-toting westside friends
155
00:07:42,866 --> 00:07:45,028
with fake teeth and even faker tits.
156
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:48,597
- And then the minute I get a...
- Lindsay: Boyfriend?
157
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:50,539
Gretchen: Ugh! As soon as Jimmy and I
158
00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:53,276
become a thing, you go
out and start taking dicks.
159
00:07:53,656 --> 00:07:56,351
Can you imagine how abandoned I feel?
160
00:07:56,381 --> 00:08:00,680
Lindsay: I'm sorry, Gretchen.
Wait, why am I apologizing to you?
161
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,717
You stood me up last night.
162
00:08:02,747 --> 00:08:05,038
- Dana: Hey, bitch!
- Gretchen: Hi.
163
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,468
Dana: Ready to go back to work?
164
00:08:06,498 --> 00:08:10,489
- Lindsay: Um, who is this?
- Gretchen: This is my work wife, Dana.
165
00:08:10,993 --> 00:08:11,745
Dana: Hi.
166
00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:13,728
- Lindsay: You're work-married?
- Dana: Come on, wifey.
167
00:08:13,758 --> 00:08:16,466
There is ice cream cake
in the office kitchen.
168
00:08:16,467 --> 00:08:18,941
Gretchen: Cake? Eat a dick, yogurt.
169
00:08:18,971 --> 00:08:21,289
- Bye, Linds.
- Dana: Bye!
170
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,514
Wallace: Ma'am, could you not do that?
171
00:08:26,804 --> 00:08:28,675
- Can you just buy something?
- Lindsay: I can't believe
172
00:08:28,705 --> 00:08:30,531
they flaked again.
173
00:08:30,561 --> 00:08:32,951
Why are they treating us like this?
174
00:08:34,490 --> 00:08:38,045
Edgar: Lindsay, I think we're sidekicks.
175
00:08:38,257 --> 00:08:41,427
Lindsay: Ew, I am not a sidekick.
176
00:08:41,457 --> 00:08:43,955
I'm Beyonc?, not Kelly Rowland.
177
00:08:43,985 --> 00:08:46,362
If I'm on a motorcycle,
I'm driving the motorcycle,
178
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:49,602
not riding in that shitty
little side motorcycle thingie
179
00:08:49,632 --> 00:08:52,903
- for poor people and dogs.
- Edgar: Think about it.
180
00:08:53,130 --> 00:08:57,045
In your relationship with Gretchen,
are you the Mary Tyler Moore
181
00:08:57,733 --> 00:09:00,520
- or the Rhoda?
- Lindsay: Who are those people?
182
00:09:00,550 --> 00:09:01,744
They sound ugly.
183
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:04,883
Edgar: Okay, uh, in
flipping out on-on bravo...
184
00:09:04,913 --> 00:09:06,981
- Lindsay: Ooh!
- Edgar: ...Are you the Jeff Lewis
185
00:09:07,011 --> 00:09:10,772
or the-the Jenni We Don't
Know Her Last Name?
186
00:09:10,802 --> 00:09:16,453
Lindsay: Oh, my God! I am totally
the Jenni "We Don't Know Her Last Name".
187
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:20,163
Actually, I do... it's Pulos.
I'm a big fan.
188
00:09:24,424 --> 00:09:28,630
Gretchen: Yes. Okay. Oh... I,
I'm not gonna tell him that.
189
00:09:28,660 --> 00:09:30,229
Okay. Bye.
190
00:09:30,468 --> 00:09:33,237
That was Lindsay. She wants us
to get dinner with them tonight.
191
00:09:33,267 --> 00:09:34,372
Since we flaked last night,
192
00:09:34,402 --> 00:09:36,637
- we should probably go.
- Jimmy: Whatever.
193
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:39,893
- As long as they have booze.
- Gretchen: Aw.
194
00:09:40,196 --> 00:09:43,434
Cheer up, Jimster.
195
00:09:43,998 --> 00:09:47,158
Or you could just really wallow in it.
196
00:09:47,188 --> 00:09:50,492
We could listen to some...
197
00:09:51,575 --> 00:09:55,606
The Smiths. They're sad and English, too.
198
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:05,026
Or I could read you a little,
uh, Jude the Obscure.
199
00:10:05,056 --> 00:10:08,719
(British accent): I hope our
kids don't hang themselves
200
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,804
because we're poor.
201
00:10:13,750 --> 00:10:19,161
I know what will cheer you up!
We can do it backwards while
202
00:10:19,191 --> 00:10:23,024
- you watch foot fetish anime.
- Jimmy: Pass.
203
00:10:24,766 --> 00:10:27,169
(Gretchen sighs)
204
00:10:27,819 --> 00:10:30,196
Gretchen: Well, I got to
go to happy hour with Dana.
205
00:10:30,226 --> 00:10:32,185
If you think you're gonna kill
yourself, remember there is a
206
00:10:32,186 --> 00:10:34,936
hotline for that or,
you know, just text me.
207
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,253
- (Door opens)
- (Door closes)
208
00:10:57,830 --> 00:11:01,147
Sandra Bernhard: "When I was
little, I never fantasized about
209
00:11:01,148 --> 00:11:05,004
having a baby of my own,
unless we were playing war.
210
00:11:05,044 --> 00:11:08,146
I might grab someone else's
child and run with them through
211
00:11:08,147 --> 00:11:10,807
the forest and hide them in a bramble.
212
00:11:11,643 --> 00:11:15,824
I wasn't like other girls,
the ones who know from the start
213
00:11:15,854 --> 00:11:20,381
that they will be mothers,
daydreaming about wedding days
214
00:11:20,411 --> 00:11:24,498
and lacy veils. They knew
daddy would walk them
215
00:11:24,499 --> 00:11:29,573
down the aisle, give them
away. For me, it was not so,
216
00:11:29,783 --> 00:11:34,745
an observer... not a participant."
217
00:11:36,156 --> 00:11:38,498
(Applause)
218
00:11:39,130 --> 00:11:41,969
Dana: Oh, girl, he is super hot.
219
00:11:41,999 --> 00:11:42,995
Gretchen: Really?
220
00:11:43,025 --> 00:11:45,585
Sometimes I think he looks like
he's straight out of a Swedish
221
00:11:45,615 --> 00:11:48,611
- vampire movie.
- Dana: No, he's a piece of sex.
222
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:50,658
No surprise, though... 'cause
223
00:11:50,659 --> 00:11:52,869
- you're gorgeous.
- Gretchen: Aw, thanks.
224
00:11:52,899 --> 00:11:55,049
Dana: So, tell me about the
boyfriend... what's his deal?
225
00:11:55,079 --> 00:11:57,957
Gretchen: We don't really use
that term, but, uh, he's a writer,
226
00:11:57,987 --> 00:12:00,831
he's British... He's
usually very funny, but
227
00:12:00,861 --> 00:12:02,082
he's been super depressed lately.
228
00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,738
Dana: Every dude I've dated
cannot handle being sad for,
229
00:12:04,739 --> 00:12:07,412
like, a second. Can you
imagine not being able
230
00:12:07,413 --> 00:12:09,935
to fully experience your emotions?
231
00:12:10,358 --> 00:12:13,619
Gretchen: No. Well, we
have a dinner later...
232
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,300
I have to see if I can get him to rally.
233
00:12:15,330 --> 00:12:16,568
Dana: I should head out,
too... I'll give you a ride.
234
00:12:16,598 --> 00:12:17,611
Gretchen: Okay.
235
00:12:18,517 --> 00:12:19,969
_
236
00:12:19,999 --> 00:12:21,322
Sandra: Thank you.
237
00:12:23,965 --> 00:12:26,547
Jimmy: I came here tonight to heckle you.
238
00:12:26,577 --> 00:12:29,813
And it would have been scathing.
But I decided against it based on
239
00:12:29,843 --> 00:12:33,950
on the strength of your work. And
I wanted to share that compliment.
240
00:12:34,582 --> 00:12:37,371
And also have you sign this, please?
241
00:12:37,876 --> 00:12:39,292
Sandra: What were your heckles?
242
00:12:39,322 --> 00:12:40,628
Jimmy: Oh, uh...
243
00:12:41,363 --> 00:12:44,674
All right. (Chuckles) "Look!
There's the second worst
244
00:12:44,704 --> 00:12:48,260
thing about the '80s...
after Reagan's trickle-down
245
00:12:48,261 --> 00:12:51,134
economics, which immediately
caused a 10.8% rise in
246
00:12:51,135 --> 00:12:55,608
unemployment and an explosion
in income inequality."
247
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:56,941
Just stuff like that.
248
00:12:57,391 --> 00:12:59,024
Sandra: Who do you want this made out to?
249
00:12:59,025 --> 00:13:00,402
Jimmy: Oh, um...
250
00:13:00,959 --> 00:13:05,572
"To Ronny overly, a father whose
sole connection to his son is
251
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:07,245
that he never connected
with his father..."
252
00:13:07,275 --> 00:13:11,113
Sandra: "Yo, Ron. So glad
I have a big fan in the UK.
253
00:13:11,114 --> 00:13:13,167
Love, Sandra."
254
00:13:13,237 --> 00:13:17,561
Jimmy: Thank you. I'm
actually an author myself.
255
00:13:17,591 --> 00:13:19,792
Congratulations, you're dying.
Perhaps you've heard of it?
256
00:13:19,793 --> 00:13:22,377
- Sandra: They carry it here?
- Jimmy: Bookstore manager?
257
00:13:24,139 --> 00:13:28,215
Sandra Bernhard here is
interested in purchasing my book.
258
00:13:28,950 --> 00:13:30,099
Manager: I'm sorry.
259
00:13:30,129 --> 00:13:33,014
As Jimmy knows, he's been remaindered.
260
00:13:33,488 --> 00:13:35,098
Sandra: That's such a waste of money.
261
00:13:35,099 --> 00:13:37,626
Jimmy: Thank you! It's a travesty.
262
00:13:37,656 --> 00:13:39,143
Sandra: You know what
they should have done?
263
00:13:39,173 --> 00:13:40,116
- Jimmy: Yeah?
- Sandra: They should've taken
264
00:13:40,146 --> 00:13:44,028
all the books they printed and
thrown them directly into a hobo
265
00:13:44,058 --> 00:13:47,168
trash can fire. It would have
saved a lot on shipping costs.
266
00:13:47,169 --> 00:13:48,671
Jimmy: You're an asshole...
267
00:13:48,841 --> 00:13:51,640
- Man-dra Butt... Buttfart.
- Sandra: Wow. Is that one of
268
00:13:51,641 --> 00:13:55,600
your previously written heckles,
or was that just off the cuff?
269
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:58,323
Jimmy: Tooth gap! Some-something
about your tooth gap?
270
00:13:58,353 --> 00:13:59,232
Manager: Enough, Jimmy.
271
00:13:59,233 --> 00:14:01,553
- Philippe!
- Jimmy: What the...?!
272
00:14:01,554 --> 00:14:04,440
Don't you touch me, Philippe! I'm going.
273
00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:06,686
Manager: I am so sorry.
274
00:14:08,424 --> 00:14:12,604
- Gretchen: Yeah, it's really pretty, huh?
- Dana: Mm. I love that.
275
00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:14,245
Gretchen: I'm in it for the money, just...
276
00:14:14,275 --> 00:14:17,134
(Indistinct conversation)
277
00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:19,674
Dana: Is that Nancy from Roseanne?
278
00:14:19,704 --> 00:14:21,226
(Dana and Gretchen laugh)
279
00:14:21,256 --> 00:14:22,762
Jimmy: Don't want to talk about it.
280
00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:25,332
Gretchen: Jimmy, this is Dana
281
00:14:25,362 --> 00:14:28,480
- from work.
- Dana: Hi.
282
00:14:28,932 --> 00:14:32,939
I've heard... so much about
you. You weren't lying.
283
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,336
He is like a sexy Swedish vampire.
284
00:14:35,366 --> 00:14:39,554
Jimmy: Sorry, ladies.
I'm-I'm... I'm going to bed.
285
00:14:43,882 --> 00:14:48,362
Gretchen: This sucks. I need
to snap him out of it somehow.
286
00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:50,637
Dana: Just bang the
shit out of him, dummy.
287
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:52,218
Gretchen: I tried!
288
00:14:52,248 --> 00:14:55,040
I'm sorry, Dana. This
is not how you should be
289
00:14:55,070 --> 00:14:57,367
spending your night.
You are way too fun and
290
00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:01,589
beautiful and spontaneous.
You should just go.
291
00:15:01,619 --> 00:15:05,760
- Dana: Do you want me to stay?
- Gretchen: Well, maybe we
292
00:15:05,790 --> 00:15:08,907
could go down there and...
Oh, my God, I just had the
293
00:15:08,937 --> 00:15:10,943
- craziest idea.
- Dana: What?
294
00:15:10,973 --> 00:15:12,396
You can just ask me to have a threesome.
295
00:15:12,426 --> 00:15:14,384
Gretchen (Laughing): What?! What?
296
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:18,202
That is bananas. What are
you even talking about?
297
00:15:18,232 --> 00:15:21,690
Can you imagine? Are you serious?
298
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,233
- Dana: Sure.
- Gretchen: Okay.
299
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,548
- Dana: Okay.
- Gretchen: Okay!
300
00:15:26,578 --> 00:15:29,891
(Gretchen laughs) Oh, this is awesome.
301
00:15:29,921 --> 00:15:31,659
This is guaranteed to cheer him up.
302
00:15:31,689 --> 00:15:33,293
He has never had a threesome before.
303
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:34,646
Dana: Did he never go to middle school?
304
00:15:34,647 --> 00:15:36,191
Gretchen: Right?
305
00:15:36,661 --> 00:15:38,200
- Dana: Okay.
- Gretchen: Oh.
306
00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:49,954
Gretchen: Jimmy. How you doing, buddy?
307
00:15:51,179 --> 00:15:54,821
We just wanted to make sure
that you are doing okay.
308
00:15:55,064 --> 00:15:57,532
- Jimmy: I'm fine, yeah.
- Dana: Well, we just wanted to
309
00:15:57,533 --> 00:16:01,166
make sure that you were extra fine.
310
00:16:04,995 --> 00:16:07,857
(Slow, sultry music playing)
311
00:16:12,362 --> 00:16:15,395
312
00:17:03,353 --> 00:17:04,685
- Jimmy: Uh...
- Gretchen: Is that... ?
313
00:17:04,864 --> 00:17:06,241
- You came already?!
- Dana: Ugh.
314
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,471
- Jimmy: Uh...
- Dana: I guess this show got
315
00:17:08,472 --> 00:17:11,635
- a little bit too sexy for you.
- Gretchen: What?
316
00:17:12,397 --> 00:17:14,657
It's his first time. Maybe
he got a little overexcited.
317
00:17:14,687 --> 00:17:16,822
Jimmy: No, I didn't.
318
00:17:16,852 --> 00:17:18,517
In fact, the joke's on you.
319
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,837
This is from a couple of minutes
320
00:17:20,838 --> 00:17:23,776
ago before you guys even came down.
321
00:17:23,806 --> 00:17:25,695
- Dana: Oh, my God.
- Gretchen: Hold on.
322
00:17:25,725 --> 00:17:29,663
So, you masturbated to
completion in the literally one
323
00:17:29,693 --> 00:17:31,761
minute from the time you
left upstairs to this moment?
324
00:17:31,762 --> 00:17:33,847
Jimmy: I started at the top of the stairs.
325
00:17:33,877 --> 00:17:37,830
What? I couldn't help it.
You're both so beautiful,
326
00:17:37,860 --> 00:17:41,399
and I started thinking about how
you guys must have hugged earlier
327
00:17:41,429 --> 00:17:44,319
tonight, and when you did, did
your... did your boobies get
328
00:17:44,349 --> 00:17:47,462
- all, like, "squozen" together?
- Dana: And then you just laid
329
00:17:47,492 --> 00:17:50,980
- there in it?
- Jimmy: Shut up... Dana!
330
00:17:51,010 --> 00:17:53,895
I was enjoying the afterglow!
I didn't think you'd actually
331
00:17:53,925 --> 00:17:55,921
come down here, you giant weirdo.
332
00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:58,791
Dana: You masturbated while
walking down the stairs carrying
333
00:17:58,821 --> 00:18:02,698
a giant Sandra Bernhard
standee, and I'm the weirdo?!
334
00:18:02,728 --> 00:18:04,098
- Jimmy: What?
- Dana: Yeah, I got to go.
335
00:18:04,415 --> 00:18:06,568
- Jimmy: Oh, no. Wait!
- Gretchen: No. Wait!
336
00:18:08,724 --> 00:18:11,203
Well, now I get why you've
never had a threesome.
337
00:18:11,850 --> 00:18:12,727
Dumb ass.
338
00:18:13,153 --> 00:18:14,203
Dana?
339
00:18:14,233 --> 00:18:16,887
340
00:18:18,752 --> 00:18:20,763
Lindsay: I'm sure they'll
be here any minute.
341
00:18:21,909 --> 00:18:24,233
342
00:18:30,299 --> 00:18:31,927
- Jimmy: What's the matter?
- Gretchen: I can't believe
343
00:18:31,957 --> 00:18:35,505
I finally made a new friend, and
I tried to bang her the first time
344
00:18:35,506 --> 00:18:38,461
we hung out. I suck at girls, Jimmy.
345
00:18:38,491 --> 00:18:41,737
All the way back to the fourth grade
when everyone was mean to me
346
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:44,314
because I was the
first person to grow boobs.
347
00:18:45,093 --> 00:18:48,546
Whatever, Jessica Olsen.
You're still flat as shit.
348
00:18:49,637 --> 00:18:53,053
I guess I'm still that sad
little ten-year-old girl
349
00:18:53,054 --> 00:18:56,924
sometimes, wishing someone would
sit next to me on the side...
350
00:18:56,954 --> 00:18:58,727
Jimmy: Oh, my God, will you stop?!
351
00:18:58,757 --> 00:19:01,433
- Gretchen: What?
- Jimmy: No offense, but you're
352
00:19:01,434 --> 00:19:03,442
kind of making my skin crawl.
353
00:19:03,472 --> 00:19:04,318
(Gretchen scoffs)
354
00:19:04,348 --> 00:19:06,187
Gretchen: Wow. Sorry.
355
00:19:06,217 --> 00:19:09,209
Jimmy: I'm not comfortable
with... feelings.
356
00:19:09,239 --> 00:19:12,771
Gretchen: I listened to you
blathering on about "ooh, me da."
357
00:19:12,772 --> 00:19:15,464
Jimmy (laughs): That's Irish, dumb-dumb.
358
00:19:15,494 --> 00:19:18,965
And you didn't listen.
You played photo hunt.
359
00:19:19,494 --> 00:19:21,743
And quite poorly, for the record.
360
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:25,018
I don't know why I started
unloading on you like that.
361
00:19:25,048 --> 00:19:28,741
I don't do... feelings.
362
00:19:29,230 --> 00:19:31,897
Gretchen: What the hell is wrong with us?
363
00:19:32,446 --> 00:19:33,702
Jimmy: Nothing.
364
00:19:34,027 --> 00:19:39,125
We should celebrate. We
found someone who is equally
365
00:19:39,155 --> 00:19:41,439
- dead inside.
- Gretchen: Let's make a pact
366
00:19:41,469 --> 00:19:44,231
never to feel anything
around each other ever again.
367
00:19:44,815 --> 00:19:46,251
- Deal?
- Jimmy: Deal.
368
00:19:47,024 --> 00:19:48,890
Gretchen: I can't believe
you've been my boyfriend for,
369
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,994
like, three days, and we already
had to bring in a third party.
370
00:19:52,910 --> 00:19:55,689
- What?
- Jimmy: You just said "boyfriend."
371
00:19:55,719 --> 00:19:56,906
Gretchen: Oh, whatever.
372
00:19:56,907 --> 00:19:59,735
- It's... it's economical, okay?
- Jimmy: Sure.
373
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:02,350
- God, you have issues.
- Gretchen: You are the one who
374
00:20:02,351 --> 00:20:05,234
cried over a soccer jersey.
375
00:20:13,889 --> 00:20:18,894
Gretchen: Ooh. Actually...
that is kind of hot.
376
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,242
- You look like a soccer hooligan.
- Jimmy: Yeah?
377
00:20:22,243 --> 00:20:23,987
Gretchen: I always had a
thing for jocks, you know?
378
00:20:24,199 --> 00:20:29,149
Jimmy: Mmm... Hey, uh,
we can pop inside and
379
00:20:29,179 --> 00:20:31,686
do it quick before we
head to the diner, right?
380
00:20:31,716 --> 00:20:34,734
Gretchen: Oh, yeah.
Oh, 15 minutes, tops.
381
00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:36,590
Jimmy: Oh... uh...
382
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:42,432
- sync & corrections by wolfen -
- www.addic7ed.com -
383
00:20:42,482 --> 00:20:47,032
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
31131
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof