All language subtitles for Youre The Worst s02e01 The Sweater People.eng

(music playing)

EDGAR: Hey, guys?

- (music continues playing on TV)
- One, two, three, go!

Ah! Head wigglies!

- Guys...
- I win!

Head wigglies?

Head wigglies.

When you drink something cold too
fast and your head gets all wiggly.

- You Brits have baby talk for everything.
- EDGAR: Guys...

- Telly, lorry, willy, nappy, bobby!
- Guys.

Well, you have very silly things
in your vocabulary as well.

- Like what?
- "American exceptionalism."

Nice. Former colony burn.

- (mutes TV)
- Guys!

- What is it?!
- Excuse me!

- You are being exceedingly rude.
- Can't you see

that we're in the middle of something?

This is the fifth night in a row.
Can you pack it in for the night?

No can do, Hoss. Jimmy's
never seen House Party.

- Really?
- Yes.

Somehow the House Party series wasn't
popular in my scorchingly racist,

industrial lead-mining neighborhood.

He thinks Play's the villain.

Ah, no, actually, I have updated my
archetypal dramatis personae since act one.

Play is the Sage.

- Mm.
- Kid is the Seeker,

Stab is the Villain and
Martin Lawrence is the Fool.

I have to be at work really early.

Are you talking about making me breakfast?

'Cause I wouldn't call
10:00 a.m. "really early."

I work at the gym.

Oh, no, Edgar, we call it
"working out at" the gym.

Do you really have a job?

Yes! I wipe down machines and I monitor
the men's showers for roughhousing.

Do you know what? I haven't
been taking into account

what an adjustment it must be for
you, having Gretchen living here now.

We should all learn to compromise.

- Thank you.
- So let's put it to a house vote.

On the floor is the question:

Should we have a curfew on weeknights?

Those in favor?

Those in opposition?

Ah.

The cold, egalitarian
hand of Lady Democracy

has triumphed once again.

- God save the Queen.
- God save the Queen.

(TV resumes playing)

synced and corrected by Caio
www.addic7ed.com

Here we go. Breakfast lasagna.

- No thanks.
- Not hungry.

- But you guys are always hungry.
- Too hungover.

Also, we ate at, like, what, 5:00 a.m.?

- Mm.
- I made Bagel Bites.

Well, since I made all this lasagna,
maybe we should have Lindsay over.

She loves a breakfast lasagna.

(laughs)

Dogs don't eat nachos.

EDGAR: Plus, we're all so worried
about how she's doing with the whole

- Paul breakup.
- GRETCHEN: She's fine.

- I'm seeing her later.
- Okay, well, then,

uh, give her my love.

Well, not like "my love," just
like, "S'up? Hang in there, kid."

You know. Something
chill and friendly-like.

(phone pings, Gretchen grunts)

My Uber driver called, like, six
times and it didn't even ring!

Salvatore! Salvatore?!

- Is he out there?
- No.

But the Zoiddle car just drove
past with all its stupid cameras.

Shoot! I should have flashed him.

- I hate the Zoiddle car.
- Why?

It's a violation.

Putting my house on the Internet
for any of my obsessive fans to see.

- (phone beeps)
- GRETCHEN: Hello? Can you hear me?

What's the address here?

You don't know the address?

- No.
- You live here.

- Who knows their address?
- People. Kidnapped children.

This dog I saw on Dateline
who rides the bus to the park.

- 696969th Street.
- 6969... (chuckles)

- (phone beeps)
- Hello?

- Damn it! Not again.
- EDGAR: You should just get

on Jimmy's plan. He gets great reception

and a family plan will probably
be cheaper for both of you anyway.

Ew! Ugh!

- Gross.
- Why don't you get on a family plan?

Well, I don't have a family.

All right, I'll see you guys later.

Well, you sure you don't want
to take some for the road?

Seriously, thanks. I
couldn't eat another bite.

I'm telling you, Gretch, I'm
great. Living alone is way fun.

I'm naked all the time,
ass-ing everything.

100%, 24/7 sprawling.

- Oh, I love sprawling.
- Sprawling is the best.

Sure, Paul messed up the
natural order of things:

hot awesome sex foxes are
supposed to leave rich nerds,

not the other way around.

But it's okay.

Paul was just too reserved to be
compatible with someone like me

who just wants to truly live.

And sprawl.

And sprawl, Gretch. Gotta sprawl.

So you haven't seen him?

He's been busy planning his new
future with the chat room girl.

- Beer cooze?
- Beer cooze.

Actually, he's coming by
later to drop off his keys.

You want me to be there? Give him
some of my shitty death stares?

Ooh!

But it's okay. I'm in
a good place about it.

Are you sure? 'Cause I can...

(stomach gurgles)

Oh, God.

I'm fine. It passed.

You look terrible.

Ever since I've been at Jimmy's,
we've been partying nonstop.

If I don't get a night off soon,

I think my liver is going to
slide out of my body, you know?

No, Gretch. I don't know.

- What?
- You can't stop.

- But I'm tired.
- Were you born yesterday?

Did you slither out of your
mother's cooch yesterday, Gretchen?

Are you a little
born-yesterday diaperface?

Why are you being so mean to me?

(baby talk): "Yesterday I
was safe in my mommy's tummy

"and then I got borned

and the world is so cold and hard. Wah!"

I just want to drink tea
and read a book and be cozy.

- You shut the hell up!
- Lindser!

In the early days, Paul and
I used to have actual fun.

Then, pretty soon, it was laptops
in bed, lights out at 10:00

and next thing you knew, I
was calling him "the hubs"

and he could only finish in my hand.

What?

There comes a day when every relationship

turns gross, old and boring.

Like Ben Affleck and Jennifer "Gardener."

Don't puss out this early. Keep
it awesome for as long as you can.

(gasps) I know.

Do butt stuff tonight!

But I don't want to do butt stuff tonight.

Ow!

You go home tonight and
you dress up real slutty,

and you do butt stuff with your boyfriend.

For all of us who let love
die by becoming ordinary.

Do it for the sweater people,
Gretch. The sweater people.

Wait. You wear sweaters all the time.

It's a metaphor.

- Hey. Hey.
- (gasps)

I got your emergency text.

Oh, God, that was touch
and go there for a second.

Ah! Head wigglies.

You and Gretchen should
really take it easy.

Absolutely not. I'm having a blast!

I mean, yeah, I'm peeing blood

and I briefly forgot
the word for telephone,

but just because we're co-habitating

does not mean that we're gonna
become disgusting normals.

If you don't get some
sleep, you're going to die.

I died when I was with
Becca. That's when I died.

With Gretchen, I'm determined to live.

While I'm here... a friend
of mine has a problem.

Is it you?

No, my friend Gabriel, from work.

You don't have friends.

- Is it you?
- Anyway, Gabriel likes this girl

who's going through some life transitions.

Edgar, you're obviously
talking about you and Lindsay.

How did you know?

Well, you've been screaming
her name out in your sleep.

Usually it's things like,

"Get to the chopper!"

or "Where's Rodriguez?"

or "I didn't know it was a school!"

(softly): I didn't know it was a school.

The point is, if this is about you and
Lindsay, there is no you and Lindsay.

- There's never going to be.
- Never mind.

- Can I go back to work now?
- You have a job?

Hello, Lindsay.

Paul, you don't have
to be nervous. I'm fine.

Really? Okay. Good.

Guess I don't need this pepper spray.

- Here's your mail.
- Thank you, madame.

(laughs)

Actually, I brought a few
things for you to sign.

- What is it?
- Just busywork.

Like this one removes you
from my video store account.

This one, my hummus of the month club.

This takes you off the membership

for the Museum of Prehistoric Metallurgy,

but I bought you your
own individual membership

so there'd be no gap for you there.

(clears throat)

So, how's beer coo...

- Amy?
- Good.

I'm actually flying to Boulder tomorrow

to meet Amy "I.R.L." for
the first time, in real life.

That's great.

- Yeah.
- That's really great.

You're going to do a
makeover before you go, right?

- What?
- Oh, nothing. I just figured

before you met your soul mate

you would want to make sure
you were looking your best.

- What?
- Has your hair always been so round?

You're right, she's going to hate
me. I look like a young Roger Ebert.

Come upstairs.

I'll help you pick out a couple outfits.

- Really?
- After all,

you got me my own membership
to the place with the old stuff.

Thanks, Lindsay.

This is really mature of you.

(panting): Almost...

almost...

- I'm ready!
- Okay.

- (moans)
- Tighter!

- Oh, come on, bear.
- Oh...

- Oh, sweet hand.
- That's right, Paulywog.

It's happening, it's happening. Oh...

(yowling)

- (roars)
- (gasps)

What the hell am I doing?

(door opening)

(Jimmy clears throat)

Hey.

- Hey, yourself, Hunk-face.
- What are you wearing?

Just a little something fun and flirty.

You like?

Yeah, I bet you do.

I thought we could do butt stuff tonight.

Fantastic!

Yeah, for sure.

We don't have to if you don't want to.

I mean, I could be fine just...

Pfft. Of course I want to do butt stuff.

In fact, I am so up for
having another crazy night,

I have prepared as well.

(laughing): Oh, look! You
got a whole mess of cocaine.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause you love cocaine, right?

Yes, I do! (laughs) It's my shit.

Cool.

Let's add cocaine to the butt stuff.

(yawns)

Are you yawning?

(crescendos yawn into shout)

I'm just excited for our night of drugs

and potentially dangerous sex acts.

(sighs)

- (quietly): Yay.
- (quietly): Yay.

(both chuckle)

(gasps)

(groans)

(groans)

(gasps) Ooh, we should let the divorce
go through and then get remarried.

That way, we get to have
another fat-ass party

where everyone has to buy us
more cool prizes off our list.

Still can't believe no one
bought us that doughnut maker.

Those cheapskates.

Can't believe I was disloyal.
To let myself be tempted.

And by the fruit of another.

See, Paul, the great thing about me

is that I'm incredibly
good at moving past things.

- Poof. I forgive you.
- No, I meant disloyal to Amy.

- What?!
- Oh, God.

I haven't even met her, and
I've already cheated on her.

Cheated on her? But I'm your wife.

You can't leave!

I love you.

Do you even know what love means?

Yeah, it's like, "Hey, I love you. Smooch,
smooch. Now go make me some Bagel Bites."

(sighs) Love isn't about having
someone to get you things.

Love is putting someone
else's feelings above your own.

Do you think you could
ever do that? Honestly?

Ew.

I didn't mean that.

Bi... tch.

Bi... tch.

- Wake up, bitch!
- (screams)

Why are you yelling at me?!

- What are you doing in my house?
- We had a lunch meeting.

Just three dudes sitting alone
in Chin Chin like weirdos.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry, I haven't been... sleeping much.

Do I look like a Fitbit?

I don't give a shit about your sleep.

What I give a shit about
is the unfathomable fact

that you, bitch, do not respect my brand.

-Our brand.
- Whatever.

(sighs) I'm here, Sam. What do you need?

I need you to act like a human person

and pick up your goddamn phone
when I call your stank ass!

I'm sorry.

My cell gets terrible reception
now that I moved to Jimmy's.

You moved in with Jimmy?

I need to talk to you later. I'm thinking
about locking things down with Jaclyn.

Take this... that's your God phone.

You pick that shit up when
God wants to talk to you

or you wish to talk to God.

(snickers) Yo Mobile?

They sell these at my dispensary.
Guys, I have a work number.

Uh-uh.

Sleepy bitches lose they right
to use normal people phones.

Sleepy bitches only get to
use phones made for hookers

and drug addicts and
irresponsible garbage people!

(door opens)

HONEY NUTZ: Come on, let's go.

(door slams)

(keypad beeping)

(Crazy Frog hip-hop ringtone plays)

- What should we do tonight?
- (inhales) I don't know.

I mean... we could just,
like, keep it chill.

(chuckles)

Like, have a low-key night.

Mellow and easy, but still fun.

Yeah, the yacht rock of nights.

I mean... sure.

I guess that sounds okay to me.

(sighs)

How can I help you kids?

Uh, I moved in with him,

and ever since then,
I've had reception issues,

so I just didn't know what
my options were, but...

Ah, the family plan.

Main Street.

Gingersnaps at the kitchen table.

An armoire full of board games.

A funny cat video.

A "just checking in" text
exactly when you need it the most.

The savings?

Well, heck, who doesn't
like to save a buck?

But a family plan is about people.

People wanting to be
part of something bigger

in this world that feels...

well, too darn big some
days, if you ask me.

Every time you look at your
phone, you'll say to yourself,

"I'm part of something.

"I'm part of a family.

I'm part of a family plan."

- How lame was that guy?
- Ugh, the lamest.

(people laughing)

What's up?

Nothing. Just partying hard like you guys.

- Not exactly like us.
- (scoffs)

Um, we're on our fifth shot each.

Wow, alcohol.

- Hard core.
- (laughing)

Let it go.

For your information, we did a ton of

(whispering): cocaine last night.

That's cool... if you're a day-trader
in the '80s or my dad's new wife Brenda.

(snickering)

Well, what do you assholes have?

It's this new synthetic thing.

Belgian.

They use it to chemically sterilize horses.

Who cares?

- Let's get more shots.
- How much?

- It's pretty intense.
- We stole a DVD kiosk last night.

- How much?
- 40 a pill.

- $40?!
- Give him the cheddar.

Let me just give you guys a few tips.

Do not listen to music.

Nothing is sucking you towards it.

Thanks, rookie, we'll be fine.

Okay. Good luck.

"Do not listen to music"?

(chuckles)

Shut up, you little bitch.

I've been doing drugs since I was nine.

Eat shit, haters.

(door alarm dinging)

(blinker clicking)

(gasps)

(door alarm continues dinging)

(doorbell rings)

(muffled sobbing)

(muffled sobbing continues)

Lindsay, are you trapped
under something heavy?

All right. I'm coming in.

(sobs)

At the end of the day, he wanted me.

He just didn't want me forever.

Lindsay, you know the people you
remember from, like, history books?

Not a one.

(chuckles) Me neither, actually.

But those explorers
and adventurers in there

were the ones who saw that snowy,
unfriendly, treacherous mountain pass

and said, "Challenge accepted."

You think I'm an unfriendly
treacherous mountain?

And I think Paul couldn't hack it.

And for that, he's not only
a fool, but he's a coward.

(chuckles) Thank you.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna die here
alone in the museum of Paul.

And I hate museums.

Then get rid of it all.

Come on.

(imitates airplane)

(imitates explosion)

- We can't keep doing this.
- This has got to stop.

But I don't want to be
one of the sweater people.

Gretch, we couldn't be
one of the sweater people

even if we wore, like, ten cardigans each.

But what if only people with secret sweater
people inside fear becoming sweater people?

Like how homophobes secretly want
all the dicks in their mouths.

Look, we're not against sweater people.

We're not protesting sweater
people's right to exist.

We just choose not to be them, because
they remind us of encroaching death.

- Okay?
- Okay.

So... you're okay if I just
lie here and read my book?

As long as it's okay I
go to sleep immediately

and get a refreshing nine hours.

Deal.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Mm-wah.
Mm-wah.

So we'll just stick to clear liquids?

Sounds good.

Two vodkas.

Do you think Paul wants
his geocaching gear?

LINDSAY: Mm.

Maybe he can use it to track down
his new girlfriend's tiny boobs.

(laughs) Mean.

Hey, will you take out this trash...?

Thanks for helping me tonight.

Do you want some Bagel Bites?

I could eat.

(hip-hop music plays)

-
To be a gangster

-
To be a gangster

-
To be a gangster

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