All language subtitles for You Me and The Apocalypse s01e03

What's the gig? From now on,
you'll be investigating the second coming of Christ.

She's my birth mother.
She tells me I have a twin.

If I can find him,
I can find Layla.

I kind of escaped.

You can't tell me that.
I'm in the White House!

Yeah, this gonna be fun.
Like Driving Miss Daisy,

although without all that civil
rights bullshit. Shut up!

Hey, Ariel.

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't

rip your balls off.

SCISSORS SNAP

See that?

That's what's going to kill
everyone...

any second now.

Doesn't matter who you are,

who you pray to, black or white,
straight or gay, rich or poor.

Yup, it's Judgment Day,
the actual apocalypse.

And where am I?

In Slough, or rather under Slough,

watching it on telly.

TV: 'One minute now.

'One minute. These pictures coming
live to us from Hubble...'

I know what you're thinking, "Cheer
up, you're one of the lucky ones!"

My question is, am I? I mean have you
seen who else is in here?

Who are these people?

How the hell did this happen?

Are WE the future of mankind?
I mean, seriously?

'Thank you all for watching.
I hope we'll meet again.'

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Operation Saviour.

Our work here is secret so I'll now
require you to surrender all

devices that allow contact
with the outside world.

No-one tweets, blogs,
or sends carrier pigeons.

Now, you may be
the world's finest minds,

but there's no point in dreaming
unachievable dreams.

We need to use existing technology,
existing weaponry.

So, be realistic.

'Compromise.
We report to the UN in two days.

'Timescale will dictate
our approach...'

I'm his uncle.

I know it's chaos out there
but any sign,

give me a call, please.

TV: 'We believe that the video proves
McNeil is part of a larger

'terrorist network. We now believe
she's armed and dangerous,

'and poses a significant threat
to national-security.

'We are therefore asking people
to remain vigilant.

'If you see her,
please call 911 immediately...'

Is this really necessary?
Girl, we're wearing prison uniforms.

OK, what's the plan?
Oh. Um... Well, let me think.

I'll take the guards out
with my nunchackus,

while you disable
the motion sensors.

Does that sound good, Batman?
What's the plan(!)

The plan is run over there
and grab as many of those goddamn

clothes as you can without
getting caught!

It's going to take us a week
just to get to my place. A week?

I thought we were talking,
like, one or two days!

Now, how do you think
we're going to do that? Huh?

We gotta dump cars
every few hours,

stick to the back roads. Adds up!

Tennessee is only halfway for me.

I have got to get to Spike
before Ariel does.

Well, that ain't going to happen
at all if you get caught now, is it?

No, please, you've got it all wrong.
I'm not who you think I am.

What's the magic word, Ariel?

I don't know because I'm not Ariel!

I'm Jamie. I'm his twin.
I'm just trying to find my wife.

I think he has her!

I'm hoping that my birth mother
knows where he is.

Her name is Mary and she abandoned
be when I was a baby,

and this is the only address
I have for her...

You really haven't changed,
have you?

Everything is still a lie.

(Hurry up and don't make a sound.)

TOY CHICKEN SQUEAKS LOUDLY

DOG BARKS
Crap.

Hilda, what is it, boy?

TOY SQUEAKS

Leave them rabbits alone!

Oh, oh, hello, puppy.

It's OK. It's OK...

TOY SQUEAKS
Oh, my God! How many toys does this dog have!

DOG BARKS LOUDLY

Oh, my God. Oh, no. Good dog...

DOG CONTINUES BARKING

Hilda, scram!

HE COCKS GUN

Don't you move a muscle, missy.

Now, once again,
what is the magic word?

I don't...

See?

It is you because only you could
have done what you did

and still not know the word I want
to hear. Make the magic word sorry.

Is it? OK. I'm sorry, then.
"I'm sorry, THEN?"

Fuck you.

You know, I vowed one day I'd see
you grovel. Now do it, properly.

Sorry. No, not feeling it.

I'm really sorry.

A little more humility. From the
bottom of my heart. Ariel ...

I apologise from the bottom
of my heart sorry, sorry, sorry!

Go on, nail him. She's not going to
do it. I can see it in her eyes.

BOTH: Whoa!

OK, no, listen, that was my bad.
I misjudged that.

This wasn't supposed to happen...

SHE MOANS LOUDLY

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

Is that what I think it is?

Please don't call the police, sir.
I'm not a bad person.

Yeah? Why are you in prison, then,
huh? My son made a mistake.

He broke in somewhere where that
he shouldn't, and I took the blame.

My ass. No, it's true.

The only thing I'm guilty of
is bad parenting!

God knows I tried.

Oh, God. I can't go back to jail.

I'm so afraid to die alone in there.
I just want to be with my family.

You can understand that, can't you?

'Are you kidding me, Father?'

Is this some kind of joke?

Believe me, the minute the airlines
get their act back together,

we are back in economy.

Until then,
welcome to Pope Force One.

Our first case. That's exciting.

What's wrong?

Nothing, I just never flew before.

Really? You're kidding.

That's adorable.

If you get scared,
I'll let you hold my hand.

That won't be necessary, thank you.
Really great research, by the way.

I'm in danger
of looking professional.

But in the future,
I will not need this,

this...

..and that.

We have 32 days.

If you spend that kind of energy
on each case,

you're going to be burnt out.

But the medical evidence...

Celine, I love your love
of the rational,

but you get that
we're beyond that now.

We're investigating false messiahs.

Or little giraffe girls.

But if people are willing
to believe this crap,

do you really think they can engage
in a rational debate?

They can't.
So we fight fire with fire.

So we are just digging up dirt,
like Tabloid X and sleaze?

Celine, in the real world,

this is always about money or sex.

And when it comes to the devout,

99% of the time, it's about sex.

It's a fact.

No, this is nonsense.

Sex is a natural urge.

And you put a lid on that,
it seeps out the sides,

in unexpected and sometimes
spectacular ways.

Well, I put a lid on it. I'm OK.

What? I am. You took the vows, too.

Yes, but that was different.

I was young and I had plenty of time
to get it out of my system.

But if you've never done it,

it's much easier
for it to become a hang-up.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Give us the key.

If you let us out,
we can drive you to the hospital.

Why should I trust you, though?

Because, A, I'm not Ariel, and, B,
you still hold the trump card.

You know where Mary is. I don't.

Or you know, you could just
do this on your own.

How's that working out
for you so far?

SHE STRUGGLES

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
OK.

Don't worry. It suits you.

DEMONSTRATORS CHANT "JANE DOE"

OK, I see your point.
We have moved beyond reason.

Zamowilam nam wisite.

So, you've been busy?

Yes. Last 48 hours have been crazy.

Many suicides.

HE SETS BONES

So, tell us about Jane Doe.

Approximately six years old, speaks
English, but won't tell us her name.

She was in car crash
two nights ago with woman

we assume is mother, but no ID.
So who knows?

And she was dead when she arrived?
Yes, I examined her myself.

Sent body down here.

BONE CRACKS

Tomasz was on shift.

He put her in the draw.

An hour later, they are announcing
the end of world on TV

when he hears the screams.

No, ja prawie zesralem sie
z tego wszystkiego.

What's he saying?

He say he nearly shit himself.

Oh. It's understandable.

So, there's no way you both
could have made a mistake?

I'm just asking.

And the nurse sent the first tweet?

Suddenly, it was all over
the internet. People do the math.

Resurrection plus Apocalypse
equals second coming.

This mob is come for its Messiah.

DEMONSTRATORS CHANT "JANE DOE"

OK, where is your car?
What? I thought you had one!

You said you'd drive me!
SHE WRITHES IN AGONY

OK, don't worry.

Give me back my phone.
I'll call an ambulance.

Oh, well done, genius. I wish
I'd thought of that. Oh, f...

So, no ambulances?

No, it's a six-hour wait.
They're short on crews.

It's the end of the world, remember?
Hey, look, don't worry.

I reckon I can do this.
I've seen Call The Midwife.

It basically involves towelling.

Quick word. What?

We cannot deliver a baby!

Yes, we can!
Positive mental attitude.

I don't think that's enough. I think
you need training and skills.

Can someone get over here and help
me take my knickers off! Boom.

Bucket list phrase right there.

Admittedly, in my head
it was slightly sexier.

Look, she is terrified.

For her sake, we need to look
confident. Swans, yeah?

You know, swans, calm up top even
if down below's all, like, "Help!"

Swans.

Great.

'You know what's depressing here?'

This may be the culmination
of mankind.

Our finest minds, pinnacle of our
civilisation, and look at them.

Even now we still
can't work together.

Maybe we deserve to die out.

And Scotty?

Scotty?

You still look like crap.

Have you slept?

You gotta look after yourself.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

We haven't even started
on the other thing.

Ariel, hold my hand. I still hate
you, but don't you dare leave.

OK, I'm still not Ariel, but,
don't worry. I promise I won't leave.

You're going to be fine...
Oh, for the love of God! What?

I mean, talk about design flaw.

No, we're going to have to swap
ends, mate. Swans, yeah? Brilliant.

She took you hostage, yet,
somehow, I'm the bad guy?

HER BREATHING QUICKENS

SHE MOANS IN AGONY

SHE SCREAMS

BOTH: Agh!

I can't believe I gave birth to that.

How did he get so big?

Anyway, that's Spike.

God, I love him, but has he got
a mouth on him(!)

Oh, knows it all,
loves to tell you your every mistake.

Wouldn't have lasted five
minutes in juvey, huh? Exactly!

Thank you for not calling the police.

I really appreciate it.

Can I ask you a question?

Whose clothes are these?

Mine.

I...

Well, I like to dress like a lady.

I'm 46 years old and I've never
told no-one that before.

Round here,
that ain't something you tell.

I guess I'm just tired of living
scared. Too late in the day.

We could all be dead soon.

So, this is me -

just a regular Joe
who likes wearing pantyhose.

That bother you?

No. Not at all.

In that case...

..would you mind if I go change?

Just once in my life,
I would like to be myself.

HE MURMURS TO HIMSELF

Too slutty.

Too formal.

Excuse me, sir. Could I use
your phone? Help yourself.

You are gorgeous.

TV: '..leaving no doubt that
the attack on the NSA

'was part of a wider campaign
to destabilise the US interests...'

'Hey, you got Spike's voicemail.

'Hit me on the...'

Honey, it's Mom.
Listen. This is important.

There's a man called Ariel.

He also calls himself
the White Horse.

I think he's trying to find you,
but do not trust him. OK?

God. I wish you would answer
the phone, just once.

Give me it. Give me my phone,
you drunk.

My house, my rules.

No phones, no TV, no internet,
till you do your chores.

Now, I asked you to empty
the crapper, and you didn't, so ...

Don't you dare.

I forbid you.

Why are you such a asshole?

Don't ever talk to me like that.
I'm your father.

No, you're not. Rajesh is.

Not according to the judge.

MOBILE RINGS

McNeil. 'It's me.
Did you find Spike?'

'Um... Not yet.'
What do you mean not yet?

Look, I'm sure there's
no need to panic,

'but they're not at the address
on the custody papers.

'Tim gave a false address.'
So Spike's missing?

Scotty, you have to find him.

How? What do you want me to do?

I'm doing what I can, OK?
But this is a bad time.

Work is kind of crazy...
'I don't care!'

This is your nephew!
This is family!

What could possibly be more
important than this?

I can't tell you that. 'Oh, my God.
You are unbelievable.'

Tell me at least that you spoke
with Rajesh.

Scotty!

It's on my list. OK?

But look, there's something else.

'You are all over the news.

'Some guy posted a video
on the web this morning

'and he says that you're a terrorist
helping him wage war on America!'

You're not, are you?

Scotty, I'm a librarian.

'Well, why is he saying it?'

Cos he's a publicity-seeking prick
who hates me.

'And I think he's trying
to find Spike,

'so me getting recaptured
suits him...' PHONE DISCONNECTS

Scotty?

Scotty?

GUN COCKS

I trusted you.

You lied to me.

CROWD CHANTS OUTSIDE

How about a joke? Do you like jokes?
Cos I have a great joke.

Why did the monk leave
the monastery?

Because he was cloister-phobic.

No? OK.

Well, you'd laugh if you understood
monastic architecture.

Um... Gum?

Do you like gum?
Jude, it's got nicotine.

OK, kid, you're killing us.
Can you say something?

My mom told me
not to talk to men like you.

She says you're perverts. Oh.

Well, maybe you will
talk to me, then? OK.

What's a pervert?
Yeah, what's a pervert?

Ah, goodness.

Yes...

It's a person who does things
in funny ways.

Oh. Like a clown?
Yes, sort of like a clown.

I know. Did you ever play thumb war?

Here, give me your hand.

One, two, three, four,

I declare the thumb war.

Now, my thumb chases yours, yes?

Those people downstairs are funny,
aren't they? They're idiots.

They think I'm going to save them.
Oh, but you're not?

Of course not. I can't even cross
the road on my own yet.

So, why do they say that?
They think I'm God's daughter. Wow.

And are you? Of course not.

She's my daughter. Come here. Mum!

It's OK, Mummy's OK.
You're all right.

You stay away from her.

SHE SCREAMS

I wish I...had drugs!

Why would anyone do this naturally?

I think we're nearly there, OK?

It's OK, I think we're nearly there.

OK, this is the one.
This is the one! OK?

I need you to push, push, push,
push, push, push, push.

You can do it. This is it.

That's it, that's it, push, push,
push, push, push!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE TAKES LARGE BREATHS

BABY IS SILENT

What's the...matter?

(Breathe.

(You know you want to. Come on,
come on. This world is not so bad.

(There's still stuff
worth fighting for.

(Yes, there is. There's still stuff
worth fighting for.

(There's still stuff worth
fighting for.

(There's still stuff worth
fighting for. There's still...)

BABY CRIES SOFTLY

Oh, my God!

That's it. You practice
using those lungs. OK.

There's Mummy.

My son.

My little boy.

He's awesome.
Yeah, he is, isn't he?

It's not just me, is it? No.

I don't... I don't know what to say.

Thank you, thank you so much.

BABY CRIES

Your hands are filthy.

What happened to your thing?

Your compulsive hand-washing thing?

I told you, I'm not Ariel.

Rajesh?

Rajesh.

Hey. Hey, buddy.

Rhonda told me to come and see you.

Sorry I didn't come earlier.
Work's been crazy. How's things?

Well, I'm dying,

my son's been taken

and the TV says that my wife
is being hunted down like a dog.

But other than that...great.

By the way, we're being watched.

Think he's a cop?
God, I shouldn't have come here.

This was such a big mistake.
You're visiting your brother-in-law.

It's the kind of thing
that normal people do.

Now, what the hell is going on?

She says she's coming back to DC.

Tell her not to.
How could she be so dumb?

Don't think that's quite
the reaction she's hoping for.

Why do you think they're
watching me, huh?

Look, I've got to get back to work.

Scotty, this comet...

is that you?

No. What makes you say that?

I can't talk about it.

These scientists, is that just
a diversion to keep people calm?

I'm not asking for me.

I'm already dead.
But Rhonda needs to know.

It's going to be fine.

Promise.

'Dr Hendrix to radiology.'

I owe you guys a huge apology.

I'm really sorry.

Your brother really brings out
the worst in me.

We grew up on the commune together.
He was my first love...sadly.

Then he ran off with my best mate
when I was 18.

Haven't seen him since till you
showed up.

With your identical love rat face.

I just wanted to get my own back.

Like, shit him up a bit
for running off with Hawkwind.

Listen, take my advice.

Stay...

away from him.

Believe me, I would if I could,
but I need to find my wife.

Is she in danger?

Is he...dangerous?

Um...

Oh, shit! Shit!

Right, calm down. You don't even
know if she's with him for definite.

I can't help it.
I lost her for seven years

and the thought of something bad
happening to her now

makes me feel sick.

I need her to be safe. I just...

..need her to be safe.

I've got to get out of Poland.
I'm fine.

PEOPLE CHANT OUTSIDE

I just need to get her as far
from these freaks as possible.

I repeat, I am not with the freaks.

Yeah, yeah.

You tell yourself that. You're just
a different bunch of freaks,

buying a different load
of mystical bollocks.

Who is that?

PHONE RINGS

My dad. He works in a bank.

Ah, that's nice.

And, er, who with this
going into his bank?

Your friend, Sister Sophia.

What did you say?

Sophia, your friend that died.

She says she's happy and she's
getting a lot of knitting done.

But...

How do you know this?

Ever since waking up,
I hear this voice.

It says I have to give you
a message.

One day soon you are going to
see four horses -

a white, a black, a red and a pale.

It says when you see them, don't
panic. It's all part of the plan.

Here. I want you to have this.

I put where I live at the bottom.

I don't think your mum
want anyone to know that.

It's not for anyone,
it's just for you.

How are you going to get out
of Poland?

You are not fit to drive.

There are no flights.
I have a plane.

Look, you've got to get out
of here one way or the other.

By the plane is a lot better than
wandering around on the streets.

We'll put you in a cab, you can get
a hotel and rest up.

And if something goes wrong,
you can call a doctor.

Why are you being so nice?

What do you want?

Nothing.

You see, that, quote, "mystical
bollocks" that I sell...

..is actually big on helping people.

Even when they're...acting like
fucking idiots.

Are you really a priest?

I believe in God, you don't,
it's fine.

But I think we both know that your
daughter is not the Saviour.

Let me help you.

OK.

How do we get past the freaks?

They are going to rip me apart.

He's a little bit smug, but still.

I mean, he would, right?

# We're not coming knocking
at your door

I think we can safely say
it's a gonna, Spike.

How do you know my name?

Let's just say I'm a fan of yours.

And a friend of your mother's.

She...she speak to you today?

Shame.

She said she was going to call,
let you know we were coming.

She sent you to get me out of here?

Who are you?

Can you keep a secret?

They call me the White Horse.

Shut up!

The White Horse? As in Deus Ex?

Oh, wow! Cool!

Well, looks like we've got ourselves
a little mutual appreciation society.

Are you coming or what?

MUSIC CONTINUES

'The video reveals her as an enemy
of US interests.

'With Rhonda McNeil back beside us,
we will...'

He's lying, I'm not with them.
Save it for the cops.

'Open your eyes, America,
there is no apocalypse.

'They just want to control you.'

If it's the reward you want...

It's not about money.

It's about right and wrong.

Exactly. And that man is wrong.

He wants my son.

So it'd be real convenient
for him if I'm out of the way.

You're helping him.
I trusted you.

I took you in, fed you,
told you everything.

I just wanted something real,
another human being.

But you lied to me.

SIREN

Oh, please.

Please, I'm begging you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

She's in the bathroom.

'Freeze and kneel or you are dead
meat!' Leanne?

SHE SCREAMS

Honey, you might want to exercise
your right to remain silent.

SHE SIGHS

Bitch went from me, sir... Ma'am.

You know, fucking rednecks, what are
you going to do? Give them a ride?

There is a logical explanation
for everything

that's happened here today.

I see no evidence of a miracle.

The girl has a syndrome.

A medically recognised recondition
where dead people seemingly

come back to life.

There have been 38 cases...

since 1982.

They can't all be Jesus.

The child is not the saviour.

That was cool.

'Chaos in Poland this evening
as footage emerges of an angry

'mob assaulting a Catholic priest.

'The mob, followers of the
bizarre cult, were enraged

'when the priest publicly
challenged their beliefs.

'The whereabouts and condition
of the priest are unknown.

'It's yet another worrying episode
of so-called Apocalypse Fever.

'In other news...'

You've been gone hours.

Where were you?

Saw your sister on the news. Please
tell me you are not helping her.

Oh, jeez, Scotty. You know
how many laws you just broke?

You know they're going to be
watching your family,

seeing if she contacts anyone,
right? Mm hm.

So? Yeah, I just went
to see her husband.

Think his room's being watched.
Shit. OK.

I can still contain this
if it stops right now.

What, so you want me to turn
my back on my own sister?

No, I don't want that,

but you been under surveillance
just isn't going to work.

We need total secrecy. Anyone
hears anything, we're screwed.

She's my sister, she needs me.
I need you.

OK?

I don't think I can do this.

What? I'm sorry.

The bunker and the lying...

It's wrong. It's not wrong.
And you can do it.

Scotty, it's not like
we're benefiting.

If the world ends, we're just
as dead as everyone else.

Except we've got the burden
of knowledge, they don't.

You're not the only one
who's terrified.

MOBILE RINGS

It's probably your sister. Yeah.

I'm going to take a shower. OK.

Come on, pick up!

'This is Scotty. Leave me a message.'

Dammit!

Oh man! You know what, I love being
a cop. I think I missed my calling.

Any time you want to thank me
for saving you, you can

just chime right on in.

What should I thank you for?
For tasering me?

Or for abandoning me?

Ow!

Let me get something straight.
I do not abandon my friends ever.

When you was in that house
getting fed,

I was on my hand and knees outside
that window watching over you.

And it's a good thing I did, too,

otherwise your ass would be on its
way back to jail right about now.

You were really there
the whole time?

So you know they're looking for me.

Would have been a lot safer for you
to just ditch me.

Well, that ain't me.

Look, I know in normal life,
you'd cross the road to avoid me.

But this ain't normal, hon. We've
got the whole world gunning for us.

And I need just one person
on my side.

So how about it?

OK.

But could I be the cop for a while?

Oh, man.

All right.

But, wait, I thought you said
we can't wear our prison fatigues.

Well, I ain't wearing that dress.

And I know we on the run,
but that is a no.

So you came to find Mary?

You know, I grew up
on the commune with her.

She was like a second mum
to me, I mean,

I can tell you everything
you need to know.

I don't think I want to know.

Just where she is, that'll do.

All right.

I just thought...

When I was like this
she dumped me in a car park.

What kind of person does that...

..to something this helpless?

And why ditch me but keep my brother?

The fact is, she may have been
like a mother to you

but she was nothing like one to me.

When can I call my mum?

I need you to put these on first.

Why? Because I said so.

Word of advice,
never leave your webcam uncovered.

Have you ever heard of a programme
called Face Chaser?

No? It's because the NSA
doesn't want you to.

Facial-recognition software.

You scan a photo
of who you're looking for,

it monitors every security camera,
every webcam on earth.

They go anywhere near a laptop
or an ATM, bam! You've got 'em.

And I want it.

Why? Who are you trying to find?

A friend...

who ran away.

You get me into the NSA,
you get me Face Chaser,

and then we can talk
about your mum, OK?

Let's go.

What happened? Are you OK?

That is the last time that
I ever try to use reason with

an angry mob. It's OK, it's over.

Keep moving, people,

there's nothing to see here.
It's all perfectly rational.

Yes. Perfectly rational.

This was Mary's room.

It's the rapture.

It took your mum 15 years.

The ones on the string are going to
heaven. The others are the dammed.

The Four Horsemen are somewhere.

I think one of them broke, though.

Look, there's the station
and shops.

I know, it's Slough.

There's the car park
she left me in.

A little baby in a box.

Why are you showing me this?

Because it wouldn't be fair
to you not to.

You need to understand before you
meet her, that's where she lives now.

It's a private psychiatric
clinic in Scotland.

She was sectioned a few years ago.

It's in the Highlands.

Be honest with me.

Am I wasting my time?

How gone is she? Will she even know
where Ariel is? I don't know.

But if anyone knows how to find him,
it's Mary.

I mean, someone's paying
the bills to keep her there.

MACHINE BEEPS

God, this place depresses me.

SCANNERS BEEP AND CLICK

BREATHING ECHOES THOUGH MACHINERY

OK.

Who are they?

And what do you want us to do
when we find them?

We are searching for two fugitives
believed to be in these parts.

There's a man outside the window.

Did he see your face?

He saw everything!

A jumper.

Are you dancing? You never dance.

You would risk a man's life for your
moment in front of the cameras?

Gentlemen, I give you Face Chaser.

Leanne, ideas?

I can take it from here, sweet pea.

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