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BIRDS SING
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MUSIC: The Touch by Stan Bush
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You got the touch...
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So...
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Nestonbury, we meet again.
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# You got the power...
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Yeah!
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HIGH PITCHED BUZZING
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You got the touch.
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TRIBAL DRUMMING
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..you think the same freedom applies
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00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:07,720
to somebody who has an unendurable,
in their judgment, condition?
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Would you fuck Paxman?
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Repeatedly.
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Really?
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I thought you liked
cool guys with...tattoos.
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Oh, I do... (Oh, thank God.)
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..but Paxman is another level.
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Mmm. The whole quizmaster vibe,
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how he never backs down
when he knows he's right.
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And you know he's packing heat.
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That's why they give him such a big desk.
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PAXMAN: You are a lover. Borrow
Cupid's wings and soar with them.
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You got the touch
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You got the power.
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All right, dickheads.
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Oh...my...God...
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Kent effing Blackwell!
29
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All right, mate - lose
the hard-on. Sorry.
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Alison. That's where my sunglasses went!
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Nah. Caught these in Brizzle.
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That's what we call Bristol, there.
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Sarah.
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What? OK.
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Anyway...I'm moving back.
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Right, so being a DJ worked out, then?
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Yeah, totally fucking worked out.
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So much so you've come back home?
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00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,200
Yeah. Wow.
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A real live DJ living in Nestonbury.
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I know, mate. Get used to it. HE LAUGHS
42
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Come for the old room back.
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Mate, you can stay as long as you like.
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Oh, he can, can he?
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Er, it's my shop too!
46
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Chill out, Alan Sugar.
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I can pay the rent.
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Soon as I get my job back at Bird Zone.
49
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Will they have you back, though?
50
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,920
Didn't you give a pelican some acid?
51
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Yeah.
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Tried to fuck a buzzard. HE SNORTS
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MUSIC: Party Up by DMX
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Woo! Y'all gon' make me lose my mind
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Up in here, up in here
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Y'all gon' make me go...
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Things are going to be
so epic now Kent's back.
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You are such a gimp for him.
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No.
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He's my oldest friend and
he's always had my back.
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Like that time he melted
all your Warhammer figures?
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Yeah, to teach me how sad they were.
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00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:50,560
Look, Kent's all right.
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00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,320
You're just being all Dawson's
Creek about it because you two...
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Were fucking pissed and
it didn't mean anything.
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OK...
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00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,400
Any change, then?
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00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,880
From a tenner?
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00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:01,920
That's fine.
70
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:02,960
Mmm...
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00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,600
So what have you chumps been up to?
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00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,680
Still coming here every night and
doing the pub quiz on a Thursday?
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00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,480
No. The...
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00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,560
pub quiz was cancelled because...
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00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,760
a lot of the same
questions started coming up.
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Mostly about Nazis.
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Even the music round.
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And the picture round. And the...
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Nazi round.
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00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,640
So, just kicking round the shop, then?
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00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,480
Thought you were going to India? I am.
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I'm just saving up. KENT SNORTS
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Obviously doesn't want
to go, then. Obviously.
84
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Yeah, fucking do, actually.
Especially now you're back.
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Well, to get my decks I sold pills.
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Probably a bit hardcore
for you, though. Yea
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No.
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No, I'm...I'm well hardcore.
I'd...I'd sell pills.
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I just don't know anyone
that could, like, hook me up.
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00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,280
I do. Want me to text my dealer?
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00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,480
No, no, no
- don't worry about it. It's cool...
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Brilliant. KENT LAUGHS
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Got to through with it now. Yeah.
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Sooner the better, mate.
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00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,600
Whoa, whoa, come on, guys.
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00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,120
It's the first time we've all
been together in over a year.
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00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,280
We should celebrate that.
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With a proper old-school Neston big one.
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00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:04,160
MUSIC: Bangarang by Skrillex
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Still ain't got my marbles.
101
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Great night. Great night.
102
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Classic Neston.
103
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Standard.
104
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,480
Still ain't got my marbles.
105
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,120
Oh, come on, mate. It's
only fucking Bird Zone.
106
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,640
All right, Jason. Bye.
107
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,920
Twat. Got your job back, then?
108
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,440
They want me to come in for an
interview, which is bollocks,
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cos I know for a fact that Danny's
got his GCSE mocks coming up,
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so they definitely need cover.
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00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,240
Well, they'd be lucky to have you.
112
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Thanks, mate. All right,
Morph. A new needle's
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I say new
- I got it off eBay so it might be a bit wonky.
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OK. What?
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And it's going in your
spine so breathe in. A
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Nyyaaah....
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HE STRAINS AGAINST THE PAIN
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'Morpheus...'
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'Morpheus...'
120
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'..listen...'
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THUNDER ROLLS
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'Morpheus!'
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Aargh!
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Greetings, Morpheus.
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(Sean Bean!)
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No. Not actually Sean Bean.
127
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I am your subconscious mind,
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00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:38,760
manifesting itself into
the form you trust the most.
129
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Makes sense.
130
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,600
I am your spirit guide.
131
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And I have a gift from the spirit world.
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Really?
133
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Come closer.
134
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Don't be shy.
135
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Come closer.
136
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Agh!
137
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What was that?
138
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,280
A wake-up call, lad.
139
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,440
You've been a right donkey
about this Alison lass.
140
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,440
Don't... Don't have feelings for Alison.
141
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,280
So you've never dreamed
about taking her to
142
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,840
the top of the Empire State
building on Valentine's Day,
143
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,440
waiting till everyone's gone
and then losing your virginity
144
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,960
up against the 10 pence telescope?
145
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,840
Hey, I-I lost my virginity when I was 15.
146
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,400
You can't lie to me, lad.
147
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I'm in your head, Morpheus.
148
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,400
Yeah, well, you weren't there then,
because I was on my French exchange.
149
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,680
Look, I think we've got
off on the wrong foot.
150
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:30,680
Take a stump.
151
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,280
Ah... This tattoo you're getting -
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what's it even of? It's a...
153
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,800
1:5000 scale map of the land of Westeros.
154
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Why you getting that?
155
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Because I like Game Of Thrones.
156
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,360
Obvs. Well, you're pussyfooting around it,
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If you want a shot with this Alison
you've got to be more assertive.
158
00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,480
You know? Confident.
159
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Like Paxman.
160
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,440
What is it with everyone and Paxman?
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Just something about him.
162
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,000
He never backs down
when he knows he's right.
163
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And you know he's packing heat.
164
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,880
Sean?
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(Can I call you Ned?)
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Fuck off.
167
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No...
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No, wait, Sean...
169
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,160
Sean...
170
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Sean!
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SEAN!
172
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Sean!
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Oh, shit
- I've written "Sean" now.
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00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,640
MUSIC: Dr Greenthumb by Cypress Hill
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Hello my name is Dr Greenthumb
Hello
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I'd like to tell you just where I'm from
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In the hills...
So...
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00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,360
what's the name of this dealer, anyway?
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Supplier.
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00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,880
He deals to the dealers.
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00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,240
His shit's so pure
182
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they call him The Holy Man.
183
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,240
OK.
184
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,080
And what's the punishment, again,
if you're caught selling pills?
185
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:48,120
Dunno about the police,
186
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,360
but when my mum caught me
she made me eat all of them.
187
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With her. DOORBELL RINGS
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At Glastonbury.
189
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,240
You know, I...I might just wait outside.
190
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,200
You know? Keep watch, in case there's a...
191
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,960
raid. You get your shit
together! Yeah, sorry
192
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,760
I am taking a big risk, bringing
you here, so just...be cool.
193
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,200
Be...cool.
194
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:10,200
Got it.
195
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,560
Hi, June.
196
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,080
We're here to see The Holy Man.
197
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He's upstairs.
198
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,560
CHRIS!
199
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,560
ALISON'S HERE!
200
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,960
All right... Hiya.
201
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,120
This is Sarah.
202
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,680
What up?
203
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,040
Oh...
204
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,240
So you WERE serious about a...
205
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,440
menage a...
206
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,240
..three. No.
207
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,560
Well, maybe.
208
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:47,640
Not now.
209
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:48,800
Huh.
210
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,200
Nice turtle.
211
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,320
Nah.
212
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,000
She's looking to score.
213
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:59,000
Yeah, OK.
214
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:08,720
It's...
215
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,600
the only place Mum won't look.
216
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:15,480
FLESHLIGHT POPS
217
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:16,640
You not got any pills left?
218
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,920
No, no, we finished them,
didn't we? When we...
219
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,120
At that christening.
220
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,160
Mmm. Mmm.
221
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,920
Oh...
222
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,880
Wasted trip.
223
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:27,280
Want to smoke a spliff?
224
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,760
Boom.
225
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,240
Boom.
226
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:34,240
Boom.
227
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,960
Erm, wait there.
228
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,200
Got to smoke it out the window
229
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,680
otherwise she'll disconnect my Sky box.
230
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,680
Oh.
231
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,440
So what's the deal with
you two? Are you like...
232
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,480
having sex?
233
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,880
I wouldn't call it sex,
234
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,680
but fluids are exchanged.
235
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,720
If you did want to get some pills,
236
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,720
you could always find...
237
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,480
..the stash.
238
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,920
What's...
239
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,480
the stash?
240
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,200
Back in the '90s,
241
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:12,200
there was a festival, down
in Cox's Meadow, called...
242
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,640
..Orbital.
243
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,480
No, wait
- Orbital played there.
244
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,480
Festival was called...
245
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,640
The Chemical Brothers.
246
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,440
Anyway, right, there was
this bunch of dealers.
247
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,960
They wanted to knock out
their pills at the festival,
248
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,960
but they knew they'd never
get them past security.
249
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,440
So they formed a plan.
250
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:33,880
One week before the festival,
251
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,120
they went into the middle of Cox's Meadow,
252
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:39,880
and buried this fat stash of bangers,
253
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,280
right in the middle of the field.
254
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:43,760
The festival...
255
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,160
was built up around them.
256
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,640
They bought their tickets.
257
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,360
Walked straight in.
258
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:55,200
Planned to dig them up and sell them.
259
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,600
(But they never dug them up.)
260
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,320
Because they were murdered?
261
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,400
No. Cos they were murdered!
262
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,880
What?
263
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,280
Wait, no
- that's what you just said. No...
264
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:10,280
got mangled on some old speed
- forgot they'd done it.
265
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,360
Rumour has it...
266
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,360
they're still buried there...
267
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:27,000
..waiting.
268
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,560
So, let's talk Bird Zone.
269
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,320
Kent, I want to take you back,
270
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,320
but things at Bird Zone
are a bit different now.
271
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,600
You can't just smoke weed
in the staffroom any more.
272
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,600
So it's just like an
outside only thing. No,
273
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,080
you're not allowed to be boxed.
274
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,840
What if you didn't see me get stoned,
275
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,600
and I got deodorant and shit?
276
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,080
I'd have to tell Carol.
277
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,560
What happened to you, man?
278
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,840
You're just sucking corporate dick now.
279
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,280
I want to vouch for you, but
after the Pelican thing...
280
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,400
Jason, I didn't know it was
acid. You did though, didn't you?
281
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,840
You told everyone you were
going to do it and you filmed it.
282
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,760
Yeah, because it was fucking funny.
283
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,720
Yeah, it was funny!
284
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,680
So are you going to give me them shifts?
285
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:04,680
I'll have to speak to Carol about it.
286
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,360
Fucking hell. Jason's
turned into a massive shaft.
287
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,320
You're taking the job though,
right? Making him sweat.
288
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,440
Sarah wants a hand with them
pills anyway. What's all this?
289
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,320
I'm resurrecting
Neston's premier pub quiz.
290
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,520
And I want all of you to
come. It is going to be insane.
291
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:24,520
The first letter of every bonus
answer spells out a secret word.
292
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,720
Star Wars?
293
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,920
No.
294
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,760
You know, Alison's not going
to shag you just because you're
295
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,400
doing a pub quiz. What?
296
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,640
Where the hell are you getting that from?
297
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,200
So, you are not doing
this to be like Paxman,
298
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,920
because you know she fancies
Paxman? No, that's gibberish.
299
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,920
So, you're just doing a
pub quiz for no reason?
300
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,640
Are they new shoes?
301
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,280
Might be.
302
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,480
For no reason? For no reason!
303
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,480
Come on, you silly sausage. Let's
go dig up some drugs from the past.
304
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:05,920
Attention, please Attention,
please, motherfuckers.
305
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,560
Can I just say? Digging is shit.
306
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,880
Did the Holy Man give any detail?
307
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,880
He just said they were under a tree.
308
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,680
Oh, for fuck's sake.
309
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,680
Yeah, I know, but it's obviously this one.
310
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,200
Oh, just shut up and keep digging.
311
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,560
It's all right for
you, you've got a spade.
312
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:31,240
I've got this...dwarf whatever that is.
313
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,640
If we swap spades, will you stop bitching?
314
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,480
No, I'd rather keep bitching.
Yeah, guys, it's nearly six.
315
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,480
It's time to wrap this up. Why? Pub quiz.
316
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,840
You said you'd all come and
watch me be the quizmaster.
317
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:45,000
Yeah, I only said that so
you'd help with the digging.
318
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,120
Alison, you love a quiz, don't you? Er...
319
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,600
I'll have to hurry you. Don't know.
320
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,960
Is it any good? Yes.
Come on, Kent, back me up
321
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,680
Mmm...
322
00:13:56,680 --> 00:14:00,680
So, it's betrayal. You're just
a bunch of Lando Calrissians.
323
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:02,600
Oh, easy, mate.
324
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,640
I'm going to start walking to the pub.
325
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,120
And you've got a choice -
326
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,640
you can follow me or stay here on
327
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:12,640
a fool's errand, digging up
defunct bangers from the '90s.
328
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,640
Whatever you think is
the right thing to do.
329
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:19,640
DRAMATIC MUSIC
330
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:29,520
DRAMATIC MUSIC
331
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:33,880
DRAMATIC MUSIC
332
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:41,400
DRAMATIC MUSIC
333
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:45,400
You're never going to find them!
334
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:50,080
They look gnarly. '90s
pills, mate. Suppose
335
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,960
Some of them have got mould on them.
What kind of mould grows on Ecstasy?
336
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,520
Fucking trippy mould, mate.
337
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,080
Look, guys, I'm not sure about
this. What if we kill someone?
338
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,400
I don't think I could live
with that on my conscience.
339
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,200
Holy Man says you get over it.
340
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,720
Well, I bet you're fucking chuffed. What?
341
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:09,720
Well, you can't sell the pills, so
once again you can't go to India.
342
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,280
Come on, Kenty, who's going to buy these?
343
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,240
Mick the Druid?
344
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,880
He probably would, actually.
345
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,680
Came to your senses then? Sorry, what?
346
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,800
Oh, my fucking God, pub quiz!
347
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,880
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, totally.
348
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,680
Fuck's sake, a pound in the pot.
349
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,760
Why? You going to strip for us?
350
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,400
ALL: Sorry.
351
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,200
Found them, then? Yeah,
just working out wh
352
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,800
Yeah, because your sister is
being a massive nerd about it.
353
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,440
Fuck off, they're covered in mould.
354
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,280
You have no idea what they're
going to do to someone. o
355
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:45,080
What? If there's mould,
there's water, which
356
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,720
will have leached out and
rendered the tablets totally inert.
357
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,080
What are you saying? Well,
they've been there 20 years.
358
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,080
I mean, they're complex
long chain molecules.
359
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:53,840
They would have completely denatured.
360
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:55,680
I mean, it's basic organic chemistry.
361
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,080
Wow, good knowledge.
362
00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:01,080
Yeah, well... I know
a lot of facts, Alison.
363
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,960
Well, are you sure they won't
work, like, a little bit?
364
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,040
Watch. Mate, don't even do that.
365
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,280
Why, they're completely harmless.
366
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,800
Right, that's enough now.
He seems pretty confident.
367
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,800
I'll show you confidence. Here we go.
368
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,880
Bosh. Bosh. Bosh.
369
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,800
Stop taking Ecstasy! Shan't.
370
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,520
Bosh. Mate, stop it. You stop it!
371
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,440
Bosh.
372
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,440
Bosh! Jesus Christ.
Everyone calm down, yeah?
373
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,760
They're not going to
work. I know the science.
374
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,640
I read it on the British
Pharmacological Society website.
375
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,840
And I'll prove it.
376
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,840
Morph, you're not holding your phone.
377
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,080
I know.
378
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,920
It's Chalky.
379
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,920
That's a pint of coins, mate.
380
00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:01,040
Got it.
381
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,960
OK, guys, welcome.
382
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:06,960
My name is Morpheus and I'll
be your quizmaster this evening.
383
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,160
Can I get a glass of
water up here, please?
384
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,760
Now, I appreciate the spirit, but
can we keep the team names clean?
385
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:16,960
As I do have to read them out.
386
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,200
We could just about get
away with "Quiz In My Pants",
387
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,640
but new name, please, for -
388
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:24,640
"My name's Morpheus and I have a
boner, especially when I look at
389
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,240
Ah!
390
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,960
That's better.
391
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,280
So, let's get started with Round One.
392
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:51,160
HE SLURS: Round One.
393
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:54,360
Sorry, my tongue is hot, hot.
394
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:55,720
Fuck it, Morph.
395
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,720
Uh, I'll just check my notes.
396
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,040
SQUEAKY VOICE: Jeremy Paxman!
397
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,040
Won't be needing those.
398
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,920
I do it from...
399
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,920
Which capital city is Manchester United?
400
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,480
Eezer...
401
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,480
Eezer
402
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,240
Eezer
403
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,880
Eezer...
404
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:28,440
Eezer Goode, Eezer
Goode He's Ebeneezer Goode
405
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:32,360
Eezer Goode, Eezer
Goode He's Ebeneezer Goode
406
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:36,360
Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode
He's Ebeneezer Goode.
407
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,640
HE MUMBLES "EEZER GOODE"
408
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,480
Fucking hell.
409
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,480
The Great Wall of China is at which wall?
410
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,080
Answer the question, you... MIC BLEEPS
411
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,880
China, China. Yeah.
412
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,400
What is my grandmother's maiden name?
413
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,760
Morpheus.
414
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:03,280
Morpheus.
415
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,720
Morpheus.
416
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,960
Morpheus.
417
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,040
Pull yourself together, lad.
418
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,240
I can't, Sean.
419
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,280
My head is broken.
420
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,440
Remember, what would Paxman do?
421
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:21,440
DRAMATIC MUSIC
422
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,200
HE WHIMPERS
423
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,840
Mate? OK, this is a starter for 10.
424
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,200
Music Round.
425
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,640
Just a snippet.
426
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:41,640
Snippet. Music. Write it down.
427
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:46,200
No reason, just seems so pleasing
428
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,640
Gonna make you, make
you, make you notice
429
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,720
Gonna use my arms
430
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,240
Gonna use my legs
431
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,840
Gonna use my style
432
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:01,600
Gonna use my sidestep
433
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,680
Gonna use my fingers...
434
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,080
Gonna take this off now.
435
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,040
My imagination.
436
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,200
Come on. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
437
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,680
What is happening? Wow, wow.
438
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:13,800
SCREAMING
439
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,000
That's enough!
440
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,480
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
441
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,520
Take it away!
442
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,240
Oh, my God. It burns.
443
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,520
Where am I? Where am I?
444
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,040
Get in there now. Get in there.
445
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,720
You need to chunder right now.
446
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,400
No, Kent, I need to go out there
and tell the world how I feel.
447
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,640
I've never felt so in love.
448
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,120
Yeah, because you've had
ten pills from the '90s,
449
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:33,360
and tried wanking off in front of a pub.
450
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,200
You're standing in the way of love, mate.
451
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,720
I'm stopping you making
a prick of yourself.
452
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,840
Sarah's right about you.
453
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:43,840
You've never had my back,
have you? I'm going out there.
454
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,680
Tactical chunder, come
on! Let the demons out!
455
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,160
Throw up. Never!
456
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,720
Go on, stare at the piss.
457
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,240
Let the piss do the work.
458
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,560
This is a beautiful moment, Kent.
459
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,440
This is what I missed. Right.
460
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:03,240
I'm going in manually.
461
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:07,240
HE GARGLES
462
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,080
What the fuck are you doing?
463
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,720
Bonding. I thought that
was what we were playing at.
464
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:19,600
What?
465
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:20,760
Occupied!
466
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,360
Oh, sorry.
467
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:27,360
Oh, wait, Jason. Did you talk to Carol?
468
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:31,520
Yeah. She said she'd...put
you on probation.
469
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,080
Probation? That's bullshit.
470
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,200
She says you're...unpredictable.
471
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,320
Where the fuck did she get that from?
472
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,000
I don't know.
473
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,720
HE RETCHES
474
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,560
There we go. Good boy.
475
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:50,560
Tell her I'll think about it.
476
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:55,480
There we go. OK. Easy. Easy.
477
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,880
So glad you're back, mate.
478
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,320
No India, then? Nope.
479
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,560
I might just stay here, pretend I'm a DJ.
480
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,680
Oh, I forgot you used to wear bindis.
481
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:23,680
You kept that? Yeah, for a roach.
482
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,680
Morph?
483
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,800
Fancy a hit?
484
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,320
No.
485
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,720
I'm flying through space
at 1,000 miles an hour.
486
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,400
How about a blow back?
487
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:41,560
Come on.
488
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,160
I'll put the spliff into
my mouth, we press lips,
489
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:48,160
and I gently blow the smoke into yours.
490
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:53,480
I will do that.
491
00:22:53,530 --> 00:22:58,080
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