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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:38,817 --> 00:00:42,638 So, this is the first day of the honeymoon. Ooooh! 2 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:49,779 And who's that? Who is it? That's me at the airport. Yes! 3 00:00:51,145 --> 00:00:53,421 And this is a nice woman we met on the flight. 4 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,835 She was a bit tired when we got to Turkey, 5 00:00:56,035 --> 00:00:59,068 so Hugo was ever so sweet and carried her case through customs. 6 00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:09,587 Well, I think I can anticipate the next photo. 7 00:01:09,787 --> 00:01:13,265 That's the customs opening the case. 8 00:01:15,257 --> 00:01:18,392 How much cocaine IS that, Hugo? 9 00:01:18,592 --> 00:01:21,261 I'm told a street value of �84 million. 10 00:01:22,461 --> 00:01:26,759 Impressive. They let him go when they knew he was innocent. 11 00:01:26,928 --> 00:01:30,428 Which was...? Er, 14 months later. 12 00:01:30,628 --> 00:01:35,096 I'd better go. I'm meeting my post-traumatic stress counsellor. 13 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:39,611 Awfully nice chap. Have to pretend to be a bit doolally. 14 00:01:39,811 --> 00:01:42,305 Don't want him thinking he's wasting his time. 15 00:01:50,181 --> 00:01:54,485 So, how's married life, little miss coke donkey? 16 00:01:55,522 --> 00:01:59,228 Everything all right in the bedroom? Nice. 17 00:02:00,793 --> 00:02:02,499 We had a bit of trouble early on - 18 00:02:02,699 --> 00:02:06,051 couldn't quite work out what went in where. 19 00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,482 Well, that's always tricky. 20 00:02:12,815 --> 00:02:15,126 But once we got a wardrobe, we were fine. 21 00:02:19,049 --> 00:02:24,671 I hope he doesn't go off me now. Why would he, you strange little idiot? 22 00:02:24,871 --> 00:02:28,675 Well, I might lose my potent sexual allure. 23 00:02:28,875 --> 00:02:34,740 I'm putting on weight - 4lb in the last month - that's a pound a week. 24 00:02:34,940 --> 00:02:37,065 Is that right? -Yeah. 25 00:02:37,265 --> 00:02:42,750 By the time I'm 50, I'll weigh 82 stone, which is more than a walrus. 26 00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:48,468 I don't want to look like a walrus. You haven't been sick, have you? 27 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,469 Yeah, every single morning. 28 00:02:54,343 --> 00:02:58,541 Well, in that case young lady, I think I've got some very important news for you. 29 00:02:58,741 --> 00:03:02,584 I've qualified for the Vomit Olympics? No, no, no. 30 00:03:02,784 --> 00:03:07,384 The truth is, my dearest little verger, I think you might be pregnant. 31 00:03:07,584 --> 00:03:11,774 No, that can't be right. You mean, you haven't...? 32 00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:14,299 No...no! 33 00:03:14,499 --> 00:03:18,676 We've certainly played the odd round of hide the purple parsnip. 34 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:25,810 No no no, I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. 35 00:03:26,010 --> 00:03:28,507 The hamster didn't turn blue or anything. 36 00:03:29,379 --> 00:03:32,829 I'm not familiar with this particular pregnancy test. 37 00:03:33,029 --> 00:03:35,083 It's how we've always done it in Dibley. 38 00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:39,678 You get a hamster, wee on it, and if it turns blue, you're pregnant. 39 00:03:41,045 --> 00:03:44,010 Right.. -It's true. Right... -Yeah. 40 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:49,589 Hiya, Vicarage. Alice Horton nee Tinker speaking. 41 00:03:49,789 --> 00:03:54,000 That's nee as in born, not the noise a horse makes. 42 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,307 That would be ne-e-e-e-eigh! 43 00:03:57,507 --> 00:04:02,822 Who's calling? Oh, Uncle Simon! Oh, Simon you hav'nt... 44 00:04:03,022 --> 00:04:06,248 Me, me, me. Oh, I've got so much news, the honeymoon was... 45 00:04:06,448 --> 00:04:10,884 Simon. Hi! Haven't heard from you for ages. 46 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,653 Ever think of, er, dropping by? What, Saturday? 47 00:04:14,853 --> 00:04:19,999 This Saturday?! Obviously, I'll have to check my diary - 48 00:04:20,199 --> 00:04:23,123 just see if I've got any time at all. 49 00:04:23,323 --> 00:04:27,154 Yes! It seems I have got a hole available.... 50 00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:29,151 Window. Window available. 51 00:04:30,782 --> 00:04:36,000 So, any idea what we, er, might get up to? 52 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,502 You want to do what to me, sorry? 53 00:04:39,602 --> 00:04:40,697 I wou... Get off! 54 00:04:40,897 --> 00:04:43,135 W-Wouldn't that melt? 55 00:04:44,631 --> 00:04:47,064 Oh, you think it would be nicer if it did melt? 56 00:04:48,305 --> 00:04:49,675 Yeah. Yeah. 57 00:04:49,875 --> 00:04:53,769 OK, well, can't wait then. See you Saturday. Bye. 58 00:04:54,644 --> 00:04:57,000 A-a-a-a-a-h! 59 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,184 A-a-a-ah! 60 00:05:08,670 --> 00:05:10,156 Do you know something? 61 00:05:10,529 --> 00:05:14,460 I think Uncle Simon might be quite keen on you. 62 00:05:14,660 --> 00:05:16,266 Off-off-off-off! 63 00:05:17,507 --> 00:05:22,143 Listen, if you want any tips on how to attract a man, 64 00:05:22,343 --> 00:05:23,912 from someone who's got one... Yes. 65 00:05:24,112 --> 00:05:29,678 ..I have got one or two sure-fire seduction techniques. Oh! Such as? 66 00:05:29,878 --> 00:05:32,980 Erm - you can't beat a nice pink anorak. 67 00:05:34,204 --> 00:05:35,610 Hugo always love me in mine. 68 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,141 When I'm naked, Hugo makes me wear it... Stop, stop. 69 00:05:39,341 --> 00:05:43,488 No, no. Too much detail, sorry. Horrible mental picture there. 70 00:05:43,688 --> 00:05:47,753 Just think, when you're married, you can go to bed together too, 71 00:05:47,953 --> 00:05:51,539 which is absolutely scrummy. -So I'm told. 72 00:05:51,739 --> 00:05:53,380 But it is'nt scrummy if you're not married of course....... 73 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,875 Then you go to hell and all your bits drop off. 74 00:05:56,971 --> 00:06:02,076 Well, not necessarily. You know all that, all about eternal damnation 75 00:06:02,276 --> 00:06:07,088 and pneumatic drills in your brain if you look upon a man with lust. 76 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,262 Especially as a vicar. 77 00:06:10,223 --> 00:06:13,389 God would probably have to strangle you with his bare hands. 78 00:06:15,453 --> 00:06:19,000 Well... Yeah, well spotted. Good point. 79 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:23,573 Right, we got quite a lot to get throu so let's not waste any time, hey? 80 00:06:23,773 --> 00:06:26,717 Item one - apologies for absence. 81 00:06:26,917 --> 00:06:30,438 No, no, no, no... 82 00:06:30,638 --> 00:06:32,405 Yes, I've got one. 83 00:06:32,605 --> 00:06:34,092 Who from? -Me. 84 00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:38,451 But you're here. 85 00:06:38,651 --> 00:06:40,950 Yes, I... 86 00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:45,669 I am here now, but I'm not here at the next meeting. 87 00:06:45,869 --> 00:06:49,718 Then you don't need to apologise until the next meeting. 88 00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:55,043 But I'm not here at the next meeting. 89 00:06:55,243 --> 00:07:00,316 I know, you send your apologies BEFORE the next meeting. 90 00:07:00,516 --> 00:07:04,180 That's what I am doing. I'd better send my apologies too - 91 00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:07,663 I'm missing the meeting after that, cause I wont be on that one 92 00:07:07,863 --> 00:07:12,821 Me too, I'll be missing the one next April. There's a Captain Scarlet convention. 93 00:07:13,021 --> 00:07:16,002 Stop right there. This could go on forever. 94 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,554 I could apologize for missing a meeting in 2010, for God's sake. 95 00:07:20,919 --> 00:07:22,217 Moving on... 96 00:07:22,417 --> 00:07:23,600 Which meeting? 97 00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:30,271 What? Which meeting in 2010 are you apologising for? 98 00:07:30,471 --> 00:07:33,142 I'm not apologising. Well, you should. 99 00:07:34,312 --> 00:07:37,583 There's no point having a meeting if the chairman's missing. 100 00:07:37,783 --> 00:07:41,318 I'm not missing it, you raving lunatics! 101 00:07:41,518 --> 00:07:46,163 I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric reports to prove it. 102 00:07:47,563 --> 00:07:50,761 A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour. 103 00:07:50,961 --> 00:07:55,774 Allright, you are not a lunatic, but you are a famous idiot! 104 00:07:55,874 --> 00:08:00,665 Now wait a minute, Baldilocks...! Hey, guys, calm down. 105 00:08:00,765 --> 00:08:05,963 You're like a couple of kids. He started it. He did. Beardy weirdy! 106 00:08:06,163 --> 00:08:08,429 Stop it. Seriously, come on. 107 00:08:08,629 --> 00:08:11,237 You seem to be forgetting we're partners here. 108 00:08:11,437 --> 00:08:15,633 I'm always there for you, aren't I? My house is your house. 109 00:08:15,833 --> 00:08:17,820 And I'd like to believe that if I ever needed you, 110 00:08:18,020 --> 00:08:19,934 you'd be there for me, wouldn't you? 111 00:08:20,134 --> 00:08:22,376 Ready and erect, at your service. 112 00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:26,673 So no more bickering, OK? 113 00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:29,226 From now on, Dibley Council stands for friends, 114 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:33,006 friend who's working together with support and love. 115 00:08:34,566 --> 00:08:39,482 You know, Owen - for five years, I actually WAS in love with you. 116 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:48,074 And even today, when I see you... on the farm... 117 00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:51,681 ..in your wet-weather gear... 118 00:08:51,881 --> 00:08:54,527 Moving on, Mr Chairman, double quick now! 119 00:08:55,427 --> 00:09:01,013 By the way, my brother's popping down this weekend - Simon. Is he? Oh! 120 00:09:01,213 --> 00:09:05,711 Sunday lunch, if you care to join us. Good, old-fashioned pork on the menu. 121 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,281 I think I may be having that on Saturday. 122 00:09:15,987 --> 00:09:18,099 So what are you up to on Saturday night? 123 00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:21,423 Now Hugo's left me I'm all on my own. 124 00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:23,036 Thought you might like to come round. 125 00:09:23,236 --> 00:09:25,515 watch Lulu, play a bit of Scrabble. 126 00:09:26,715 --> 00:09:31,155 No, I'll be busy working on my Simon...sermon. 127 00:09:32,901 --> 00:09:34,790 Pity. What's your text? 128 00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:37,765 Erm, Sermon on the Mount, I hope. 129 00:09:39,733 --> 00:09:42,313 Hello, Vicar! ..Hello, Daddy-o. 130 00:09:42,513 --> 00:09:45,386 Sorry to barge in but we've got the most fantastic news. 131 00:09:45,486 --> 00:09:46,521 You're getting divorced? 132 00:09:46,721 --> 00:09:51,332 No, silly. Naughty papa spank bot. 133 00:09:53,562 --> 00:09:57,335 The long and the short of it is, in short - we're expecting a baby. 134 00:09:57,535 --> 00:10:00,264 Ah, that's brilliant! 135 00:10:00,464 --> 00:10:03,255 Oh, fantastic. Alice! 136 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,496 It's absolutely brilliant, isn't it, David? 137 00:10:09,096 --> 00:10:11,482 Oh.., Look, he's so happy, he can't speak. 138 00:10:11,982 --> 00:10:14,049 But I know that look for sure, 139 00:10:14,149 --> 00:10:17,582 That's his old "This is the best news I've ever had" look! 140 00:10:17,782 --> 00:10:21,528 Is it? Oh, yes, he's smiling inside. 141 00:10:21,728 --> 00:10:24,310 Look - see? 142 00:10:26,906 --> 00:10:30,541 Fantastic news, Alice. Isn't it? Yeah. 143 00:10:30,741 --> 00:10:32,588 I'm gonna be a mummy. I know! 144 00:10:32,788 --> 00:10:36,926 Naughty Laa-Laa, stop that or I'll put you down the toilet and flush. 145 00:10:39,485 --> 00:10:42,187 Yeah.. it's worrying. 146 00:10:43,087 --> 00:10:45,188 Erm, Alice, just something that's been on my mind 147 00:10:45,388 --> 00:10:49,887 You know, I don't think it is such a mortal sin these days 148 00:10:50,087 --> 00:10:51,716 for an unmarried vicar to have sex, 149 00:10:51,916 --> 00:10:54,993 just so long as she doesn't rub her parishioners' noses in it. 150 00:10:56,284 --> 00:10:59,873 Rub their noses in what? - In the sex. 151 00:11:00,073 --> 00:11:04,020 I'm starting to feel a bit sick. Yes, yes... 152 00:11:05,303 --> 00:11:07,034 Coming! 153 00:11:08,402 --> 00:11:10,502 That's romantic. 154 00:11:10,702 --> 00:11:12,207 So's that. 155 00:11:12,407 --> 00:11:16,125 I don't think it's going to be your sort of evening. 156 00:11:22,829 --> 00:11:24,250 Ta-da...! 157 00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:27,180 Owen! - Bloody hell! 158 00:11:30,871 --> 00:11:35,350 It's what you said at the last meeting, about us all being polite and civilised... 159 00:11:35,450 --> 00:11:41,488 Yep. I'm a rough, country type - these are all my favourite words, 160 00:11:41,688 --> 00:11:45,099 and you can tell me the ones I can still use in polite society. 161 00:11:45,299 --> 00:11:49,817 Right, OK, here we go... No, NO. 162 00:11:50,017 --> 00:11:54,660 Nope... Cucumber? -Yes. Nothing wrong with cucumber, Owen. 163 00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:58,724 What if you tell someone you're going to stick it up his backside? 164 00:11:59,822 --> 00:12:02,582 Allright.. That also goes for grappling iron 165 00:12:02,782 --> 00:12:06,260 and full-size ceramic doll of Sir Cliff Richard? -Right. 166 00:12:07,047 --> 00:12:12,035 Moving on... No, no, NO! 167 00:12:12,235 --> 00:12:14,166 And the last one... 168 00:12:14,366 --> 00:12:18,086 So if that's all, I'm very busy, Owen, so... 169 00:12:18,886 --> 00:12:21,140 Perhaps I'll see you in church on Sunday. 170 00:12:23,294 --> 00:12:26,037 Hello. -Simon! 171 00:12:26,937 --> 00:12:28,041 Erm... 172 00:12:28,241 --> 00:12:32,486 What a surprise! I didn't expect to see you today. 173 00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:35,437 I was just passing, purely by chance, 174 00:12:35,637 --> 00:12:38,723 after my unpremeditated return from Prague. 175 00:12:38,823 --> 00:12:41,102 Yes, well, you have to come back later, She's busy... 176 00:12:41,202 --> 00:12:43,024 don't you worry, I see to that he leave.. 177 00:12:43,124 --> 00:12:44,510 Well... -Come on, big guy. 178 00:12:44,610 --> 00:12:47,732 Nice to know when not wanted. ..Good night, Vicar! 179 00:12:50,490 --> 00:12:51,544 Night, then. 180 00:12:58,791 --> 00:13:00,394 Thank you, God, Thank you, God! 181 00:13:02,399 --> 00:13:06,575 E-oh. E-oh. Is Simon here yet? No. Thank goodness. 182 00:13:07,447 --> 00:13:10,871 What...? I've brought a lovely pressie. Oh, You shouldn't have Alice. 183 00:13:13,705 --> 00:13:16,495 No, I mean it, you really shouldn't have. 184 00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:22,258 Go on, put it on. Hugo can't resist me in mine, can you, Hugo? 185 00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:26,348 No. Come on, let's have a look. 186 00:13:26,548 --> 00:13:28,339 It doesn't really...suit me. 187 00:13:28,539 --> 00:13:31,098 Oh, yes. 188 00:13:31,298 --> 00:13:34,128 Most moist-making. 189 00:13:34,328 --> 00:13:36,250 R-r-r-r-ruff! Ruff! 190 00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:41,389 Aha!... I wonder who that could be! 191 00:13:41,489 --> 00:13:42,382 O' Don't get excited, 192 00:13:42,482 --> 00:13:44,565 knowing my luck today, it'll be Ann Widdecombe. 193 00:13:44,965 --> 00:13:48,898 - Oh, Simon, come on in! - You'r gorgeous Mrs Horton. 194 00:13:49,298 --> 00:13:52,074 Hello, Simon. Hello, Nitwit. 195 00:13:52,274 --> 00:13:56,420 Here she is. -Hi. 196 00:13:56,620 --> 00:13:57,573 R-r-ruff, ruff! 197 00:13:59,476 --> 00:14:04,637 Well, Hugo, time we left these two lovebirds alone, I think. 198 00:14:04,837 --> 00:14:05,944 Thank you Alice.... 199 00:14:06,044 --> 00:14:09,346 We'll have a nice cup of tea in the kitchen till Simon is ready to leave. 200 00:14:09,546 --> 00:14:11,989 Then we give you a lift home. -Lift.. Where? 201 00:14:12,089 --> 00:14:14,109 Ah, To father's, that's were you'r staying is'nt it? 202 00:14:14,209 --> 00:14:16,370 Erm... -Er, no. 203 00:14:17,312 --> 00:14:21,203 Your Uncle Simon's... booked into a hotel tonight. 204 00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:25,430 We give you a lift there then, which one? I think it's a bit out of your way. 205 00:14:25,630 --> 00:14:28,528 We don't mind. -It's in Wales. 206 00:14:29,656 --> 00:14:32,522 Wales? -Yeah, Wales, yeah, yeah. 207 00:14:33,215 --> 00:14:37,673 I thought you were going to Father's for Sunday lunch? Yes, yes. 208 00:14:37,873 --> 00:14:43,443 That's right, so tonight I go to my hotel...in Wales. Wales. 209 00:14:43,643 --> 00:14:47,764 And tomorrow I come back again. Come back. It's a very good hotel. 210 00:14:48,542 --> 00:14:50,134 Ah! Right.. 211 00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:54,807 So there's absolutely no need for you two to stick about. Ha-ha! 212 00:14:55,007 --> 00:15:01,377 So you better go.. Night, then. Righty-ho! OK. No tongues. 213 00:15:10,354 --> 00:15:11,682 So... 214 00:15:11,882 --> 00:15:13,200 So! 215 00:15:16,643 --> 00:15:18,054 Beat it! 216 00:15:20,838 --> 00:15:22,646 So... 217 00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:26,141 Thanks for dropping by. 218 00:15:28,707 --> 00:15:30,464 Do you know any jokes? Cause I do, here is one, 219 00:15:30,564 --> 00:15:32,996 Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? 220 00:15:33,096 --> 00:15:34,561 In I-raq. 221 00:15:44,346 --> 00:15:47,788 No, sorry, that just didn't work at all, I'm afraid. 222 00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:49,825 We'll have to try it again. 223 00:15:55,574 --> 00:15:59,409 I've, erm, got some champagne in the fridge. 224 00:15:59,609 --> 00:16:02,632 I'm told champagne's even better at altitude. 225 00:16:03,332 --> 00:16:08,037 Is it? Even one flight of stairs can make all the difference. 226 00:16:10,064 --> 00:16:11,588 Hoo-hoo-hoo! 227 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:15,069 Right, I'll just...get it, then. 228 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,418 No, no, ignore it. 229 00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:32,093 I hate being a vicar. 230 00:16:32,193 --> 00:16:33,789 I hate it, I hate it, I hate it... 231 00:16:37,549 --> 00:16:41,292 Hello! Sorry to trouble you, Vicar. 232 00:16:41,492 --> 00:16:44,693 I was actually...just going to bed. 233 00:16:44,893 --> 00:16:50,323 It's just that you said that Dibley was all about neighbourliness, 234 00:16:50,523 --> 00:16:54,914 and if we ever had a serious problem, we should come and see you. 235 00:16:55,114 --> 00:17:00,387 Yes... We need to see you now... desperately. 236 00:17:02,546 --> 00:17:06,266 Of course, guys, come on in. Thank you, Vicar. 237 00:17:06,466 --> 00:17:08,675 Make yourselves comfortable. 238 00:17:12,254 --> 00:17:13,715 Right, then, guys... 239 00:17:15,441 --> 00:17:18,520 Tell me... what's the problem? 240 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,052 It's seven down. 241 00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:26,839 Seven down. We've been struggling with it all day. 242 00:17:27,039 --> 00:17:32,023 It's been hell I can tell you. It's eight letters, first letter, P, 243 00:17:32,223 --> 00:17:34,120 and third letter, O. 244 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,693 Plodipop. 245 00:17:36,893 --> 00:17:39,682 No wonder we did'nt get it of! I've never heard of it. 246 00:17:40,658 --> 00:17:46,336 You need a pretty eclectic vocab to do the, er, Sun quick crossword. 247 00:17:46,536 --> 00:17:51,033 Right then chap's No more problems, then? 248 00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:54,699 Well, my wife is having sex with her cousin Brenda, 249 00:17:54,899 --> 00:18:00,160 but that'll keep till the morning. I think so. Off you go, then. 250 00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:02,723 Aaaagh! 251 00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:07,086 Sorry, it's just been a plodipoppy sort of a day. 252 00:18:07,286 --> 00:18:09,158 Mohammed wouldn't come to the mountain... 253 00:18:09,258 --> 00:18:11,040 the mountain must come to Mohammed... 254 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,023 David, let joy be unconfined! 255 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:17,965 But I am not playing Scrabble. 256 00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:19,197 No. 257 00:18:21,574 --> 00:18:24,445 Plodipop? Yes. Your turn, Vicar. 258 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:31,083 Erm... Do you think, er, perhaps, you know...time for bed? 259 00:18:31,183 --> 00:18:32,533 You know, it's getting on a bit... 260 00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:36,231 We can't stop in the middle of a game Geraldine. -Right.. 261 00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:51,370 Geraldine! Is there any chance of you coming to bed soon? 262 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,202 I'm so sorry to interrupt, 263 00:18:57,302 --> 00:19:01,834 it's just that I've been waiting for this gorgeous creature for hours. 264 00:19:02,034 --> 00:19:04,924 She wont tell you her self of course, ...she's your vicar. 265 00:19:05,024 --> 00:19:07,779 She always puts your happiness above her own. 266 00:19:07,979 --> 00:19:11,828 But I can't help thinking, on this one occasion, 267 00:19:12,028 --> 00:19:15,005 she might quite like you to go. 268 00:19:17,541 --> 00:19:21,134 Yes, of course. ..Frank, Jim, come on. 269 00:19:23,165 --> 00:19:24,383 Need any condoms? 270 00:19:27,653 --> 00:19:29,521 No, thank you, Jim. 271 00:19:29,721 --> 00:19:32,610 I always carry half a dozen, in case I get lucky you know.. 272 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:41,441 I hope you know what you're doing. I'm sure it'll come back to me. 273 00:19:44,197 --> 00:19:49,162 Good luck, Vicar. Here we go, just in case. Thank you, Frank. 274 00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,628 I think he'll make you very happy. Thank you. 275 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,953 And if he doesn't, I'll have a go. 276 00:19:58,194 --> 00:19:59,586 Thank you, Jim. 277 00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:03,353 Sorry, I thought they'd never leave. 278 00:20:04,343 --> 00:20:05,756 Oh, come on. 279 00:20:23,940 --> 00:20:26,080 For afterwards. 280 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,920 Thanks. 281 00:20:54,561 --> 00:20:58,383 No matter what they tell us 282 00:20:59,881 --> 00:21:02,673 No matter what they do 283 00:21:04,814 --> 00:21:08,866 No matter what they teach us 284 00:21:10,012 --> 00:21:13,343 What we believe is true 285 00:21:14,702 --> 00:21:19,654 And I will keep you safe and strong 286 00:21:20,338 --> 00:21:23,621 Shelter from the storm 287 00:21:24,126 --> 00:21:25,739 No matter where 288 00:21:25,939 --> 00:21:29,075 No matter where it's going 289 00:21:31,185 --> 00:21:33,795 A dream is being born 290 00:21:56,773 --> 00:22:00,621 No matter who they follow 291 00:22:01,980 --> 00:22:05,502 No matter where they lead 292 00:22:07,328 --> 00:22:10,602 No matter how they judge us 293 00:22:11,952 --> 00:22:15,490 I'll be everyone you need 294 00:22:16,437 --> 00:22:22,056 No matter if the sun don't shine 295 00:22:22,844 --> 00:22:25,865 Or if the skies aren't blue 296 00:22:28,045 --> 00:22:31,855 No matter what the end is 297 00:22:32,542 --> 00:22:36,538 My life began with you... 298 00:22:37,871 --> 00:22:40,551 So.. You mean he stays the whole night? 299 00:22:40,751 --> 00:22:44,424 That's what I'm saying. In her bed! 300 00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:46,197 Golly. 301 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:51,435 So where does she sleep? -With him! 302 00:22:51,635 --> 00:22:55,267 Good Lord! Seems all right to me. 303 00:22:55,467 --> 00:22:59,316 For a vicar to have sex willy-nilly in front of her parishioners? 304 00:22:59,516 --> 00:23:01,287 I shouldn't think it's a case of willy-nilly. 305 00:23:01,387 --> 00:23:03,709 Willy has got to be willing. 306 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,441 You can't do it with a willy that's nilly. 307 00:23:10,421 --> 00:23:13,065 Be serious, Owen. -I am serious. 308 00:23:13,265 --> 00:23:17,235 on principal, I'm a great believer in sex before marriage - 309 00:23:17,435 --> 00:23:20,138 otherwise I wouldn't have had any sex at all. 310 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,369 Well fortunately, my memory is that Jesus was against it, 311 00:23:25,569 --> 00:23:28,421 which I think is a problem when we talking about our vicar. 312 00:23:28,621 --> 00:23:30,498 Yes, but thing was very different in His day, 313 00:23:30,598 --> 00:23:32,559 women weren't emancipated, 314 00:23:32,791 --> 00:23:36,842 and they hadn't yet launched Minx magazine. Good point. 315 00:23:37,042 --> 00:23:41,962 I bet you and Alice were at it like rabbits before you were married. 316 00:23:42,162 --> 00:23:45,444 Right, yes. -What did I tell you? 317 00:23:45,644 --> 00:23:48,862 Hugo... -Yes, well... 318 00:23:49,062 --> 00:23:51,715 We certainly ate a lot of carrots together. 319 00:23:54,689 --> 00:23:57,759 Well I'm still worried,.. there's something not right at all. 320 00:23:57,959 --> 00:24:01,226 And I mean, Simon's just not... -Rubbish! 321 00:24:01,426 --> 00:24:03,240 As long he's private about it, 322 00:24:03,340 --> 00:24:07,367 I think we should let her, and Simon and their love-making be... 323 00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:12,561 OK, OK. Although I wouldn't mind seeing a few polaroids. 324 00:24:15,488 --> 00:24:17,831 So, time for bed? 325 00:24:18,031 --> 00:24:20,628 Let's have a coffee first. 326 00:24:20,828 --> 00:24:25,285 OK. Good idea. Fancy some ice cream? Yes, please. 327 00:24:26,887 --> 00:24:31,446 What flavour? What have you got? You don't want to ask that. 328 00:24:31,646 --> 00:24:36,619 Why? Cos I just got myself a brand new freezer. Yum, yum, yum! 329 00:24:40,809 --> 00:24:44,705 What do you fancy? I'll have that little one. Oh? 330 00:24:44,905 --> 00:24:49,130 Please yourself. You get a dinky little plastic spoon with that one. 331 00:24:49,330 --> 00:24:50,166 Thanks. 332 00:24:54,389 --> 00:24:57,066 So happy you're here. 333 00:25:01,163 --> 00:25:05,057 I'm sorry, Gerry, but this just isn't working. 334 00:25:05,257 --> 00:25:09,134 I'll get you a proper spoon. I don't mean the spoon. 335 00:25:09,334 --> 00:25:12,419 I meant us - you and me. 336 00:25:14,241 --> 00:25:15,187 Ah. 337 00:25:16,387 --> 00:25:17,238 Ah. 338 00:25:17,438 --> 00:25:21,670 That's, er...unexpected. 339 00:25:21,870 --> 00:25:24,783 The thing is,.. It's been fantastic, but, er... 340 00:25:24,983 --> 00:25:27,640 I think we've been taking it a bit fast. 341 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:32,637 I feel we ought to apply the brakes for a second, if you get my meaning. 342 00:25:32,837 --> 00:25:36,999 Yes - I mean you're speaking English, aren't you? 343 00:25:37,199 --> 00:25:40,863 And I understand English, so I don't think meaning's the problem. 344 00:25:42,202 --> 00:25:43,192 The thing is... 345 00:25:43,392 --> 00:25:48,068 There is... Was... 346 00:25:48,268 --> 00:25:53,574 No, erm...IS another girl in Liverpool. 347 00:25:55,100 --> 00:26:00,195 Another girl? Yeah. I thought it was definitely all off, 348 00:26:00,395 --> 00:26:03,576 but I've spoken to her a couple of times in the last week or so, 349 00:26:03,776 --> 00:26:05,662 and, I don't know, maybe... 350 00:26:06,862 --> 00:26:10,722 I don't know. -I think you do know. 351 00:26:10,922 --> 00:26:15,544 But you're a custard, of the cowardy, cowardy variety. 352 00:26:17,021 --> 00:26:18,586 I know, I'm sorry. 353 00:26:20,218 --> 00:26:25,072 Why don't we just say that that was the autumn that was - 354 00:26:26,057 --> 00:26:28,307 let's see what winter brings? 355 00:26:28,507 --> 00:26:31,902 Yeah. Either that or... 356 00:26:32,102 --> 00:26:36,294 get out of my house, you treacherous, gigantic, elongated Bastard. 357 00:26:37,902 --> 00:26:43,174 Er, but no - probably the autumn- winter metaphor is much nicer. 358 00:26:43,959 --> 00:26:47,967 Much nicer for you. -I'm sorry. 359 00:26:49,134 --> 00:26:50,506 Yeah. 360 00:26:51,513 --> 00:26:53,653 No, I think not. 361 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,321 Right, couple of announcements - 362 00:26:58,521 --> 00:27:01,796 one, we may experience some interruptions today because... 363 00:27:05,222 --> 00:27:10,244 And two... Sorry, why did you say we're going to have interruptions? 364 00:27:10,444 --> 00:27:15,337 I couldn't hear because of the drilling. Yes, that's it. What? 365 00:27:15,537 --> 00:27:19,058 That's the reason were likely to experience some interruptions , it's because... 366 00:27:22,269 --> 00:27:24,161 I still didn't get it. 367 00:27:25,239 --> 00:27:28,241 And two - I don't know if the Vicar will be joining us tonight, 368 00:27:28,341 --> 00:27:30,083 I haven't seen a lot of her recently. 369 00:27:30,283 --> 00:27:32,496 No no no, your brother has! 370 00:27:33,345 --> 00:27:36,043 Yes that is just my point. 371 00:27:36,822 --> 00:27:40,231 If she comes can I ask everyone to be discreet? 372 00:27:40,431 --> 00:27:43,543 At the last meeting she asked us to be polite and civilised, 373 00:27:43,643 --> 00:27:46,196 I think she was right. -Here, here. 374 00:27:46,396 --> 00:27:49,183 Ah, Vicar! You're a little late.. 375 00:27:50,525 --> 00:27:51,980 Tough titties. 376 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:59,943 Item one - apologies for absence. Yes, I have a note from the last meeting 377 00:28:00,043 --> 00:28:02,824 to say that Jim can't be with us today. 378 00:28:04,900 --> 00:28:08,799 Why can't I be with you? What have I done? 379 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,350 No, you said you couldn't be with us. 380 00:28:12,550 --> 00:28:13,743 I did? 381 00:28:15,100 --> 00:28:17,582 Where am I meant to be? 382 00:28:19,095 --> 00:28:21,096 I'll tell you where you're meant to be, Jim. 383 00:28:21,296 --> 00:28:26,095 Where you said you'd be. But no, you're a man, aren't you? 384 00:28:26,295 --> 00:28:30,528 You say one thing but mean another, raise our hopes, then dash them. 385 00:28:30,728 --> 00:28:33,485 You promise us joy, then break our hearts! 386 00:28:34,882 --> 00:28:37,002 So you don't want me at the meeting, then? 387 00:28:37,102 --> 00:28:39,030 I'll tell you what I want Jim. 388 00:28:39,230 --> 00:28:44,813 I want to find one man on Earth who isn't the spawn of Satan. -Oh, Really! 389 00:28:45,013 --> 00:28:46,636 And you can shut it too, egg-head. 390 00:28:46,736 --> 00:28:50,523 You're all the same are'nt you, your just a bunch of... 391 00:28:54,406 --> 00:28:58,780 ..who should be force-fed Winalot up your nose till you die. 392 00:28:58,980 --> 00:29:02,290 What is actually what I like to do to your oh-so-charming brother, 393 00:29:02,390 --> 00:29:04,293 who seems to keeps his brains in his... 394 00:29:08,469 --> 00:29:14,257 ..frankly is the size of a button mushroom, so why don't you just...? 395 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,416 ..and the Krankies! 396 00:29:23,311 --> 00:29:27,913 Well, it doesn't take a genius to work out what brought that on. 397 00:29:28,113 --> 00:29:30,451 You're right, it was Jim. 398 00:29:31,967 --> 00:29:35,039 Honestly, Jim, sort yourself out. 399 00:29:35,239 --> 00:29:36,162 Yes. 400 00:29:37,759 --> 00:29:40,007 I'm sorry about that. 401 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:45,418 How are you? I think I've eaten a bit too much ice cream. 402 00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:47,751 Oh. How much? 403 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,394 Oh, right! 404 00:29:53,745 --> 00:29:58,155 Well, I just thought I'd remind you, erm, that it's Sunday. 405 00:29:58,355 --> 00:30:00,905 It's time for the service, 406 00:30:01,105 --> 00:30:04,517 and everyone's waiting in the church for you. 407 00:30:04,717 --> 00:30:08,620 No, I'm not going there today, I'm not doing that, no. 408 00:30:08,820 --> 00:30:11,458 Right. Interesting. 409 00:30:12,358 --> 00:30:13,501 OK. 410 00:30:18,825 --> 00:30:20,680 Right... 411 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,222 Better get started on these, then. 412 00:30:33,668 --> 00:30:36,151 Now, my fellow villagers, 413 00:30:36,351 --> 00:30:38,597 I think you all know why I've called you all here today. 414 00:30:38,697 --> 00:30:40,345 It's about our vicar. 415 00:30:40,526 --> 00:30:44,118 Yes. she allready missed one set of Sunday service, 416 00:30:44,218 --> 00:30:46,691 It's important she doesn't miss another.. 417 00:30:46,891 --> 00:30:49,078 Could I just say...? 418 00:30:49,278 --> 00:30:53,069 I thought Mr Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher. 419 00:30:53,269 --> 00:30:57,662 Yes, Bravo,.. How he kept going for two-and-a-half hours was amazing! 420 00:30:59,017 --> 00:31:03,043 As I said, It's absolutely VITAL that she doesn't miss another Sunday. 421 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:06,312 I need hardly remind you, 422 00:31:06,512 --> 00:31:10,099 we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation 423 00:31:10,299 --> 00:31:11,784 during last week's service. 424 00:31:13,432 --> 00:31:16,574 Don't worry, Frank. They were going to die anyway. 425 00:31:17,940 --> 00:31:21,192 And the fellow who yelled, "If this moron doesn't stop soon, 426 00:31:21,392 --> 00:31:25,515 "I'll kill myself" and two minutes later shot himself in the head - 427 00:31:26,315 --> 00:31:29,511 well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time. 428 00:31:30,411 --> 00:31:33,180 Right, has anyone got any suggestions? 429 00:31:33,380 --> 00:31:39,050 I have one suggestion. Mrs Horton. Who? Oh, yeah! 430 00:31:39,250 --> 00:31:46,658 Um... You know the series Walking With Dinosaurs? 431 00:31:46,858 --> 00:31:48,187 Yes. 432 00:31:48,987 --> 00:31:54,440 Well, they recreated the dinosaurs digitally, just using a computer. 433 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:58,789 I thought maybe we could do the same with Uncle Simon. 434 00:31:59,989 --> 00:32:02,500 Recreate him digitally? 435 00:32:03,576 --> 00:32:08,439 That's right. Then send the digital Simon round to the Vicarage, 436 00:32:08,639 --> 00:32:13,308 so that he and the Vicar could kiss and...things, you know, 437 00:32:13,408 --> 00:32:15,173 and live happily ever after. 438 00:32:16,673 --> 00:32:19,746 So your plan is that we get a holographic, 439 00:32:19,846 --> 00:32:22,646 two-dimensional human to marry the Vicar? 440 00:32:22,846 --> 00:32:24,383 Exactly. 441 00:32:26,607 --> 00:32:30,023 Does anyone spot the defect in this plan? 442 00:32:30,879 --> 00:32:33,493 No, no, no. Sounds pretty good to me. 443 00:32:33,693 --> 00:32:37,795 All those in favour of recruiting a digital Simon... 444 00:32:38,995 --> 00:32:41,825 for the Vicar, ASAP? 445 00:32:42,025 --> 00:32:44,213 One, two, three, four... 446 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,793 And if that fails, I do have a plan B. 447 00:32:47,893 --> 00:32:49,168 -Oh, my God! 448 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,170 Ah, yes, got 'em. 449 00:32:58,124 --> 00:33:01,571 Go away! I've something to show you! 450 00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:06,100 If it isn't Simon's testicles on a skewer, I don't want to know! 451 00:33:06,300 --> 00:33:09,671 It's some pictures - I'll put them through the letter box. 452 00:33:09,871 --> 00:33:13,006 Oh! 453 00:33:22,785 --> 00:33:30,404 Oh, Alice, they're beautiful. Thank you! 454 00:33:30,604 --> 00:33:33,014 Oh! 455 00:33:34,507 --> 00:33:36,347 Oh! 456 00:33:39,731 --> 00:33:41,879 If you look carefully... Mmm? 457 00:33:42,079 --> 00:33:46,082 That's a little tiny leg! Oh, yeah. 458 00:33:46,282 --> 00:33:49,725 And that's the other leg. And what's that there? 459 00:33:49,925 --> 00:33:53,561 Erm, that's another leg. 460 00:33:53,761 --> 00:33:58,445 Oh, no, it's got three legs! No, no. 461 00:33:58,645 --> 00:34:01,660 That's probably an arm, isn't it? 462 00:34:01,860 --> 00:34:03,673 Oh, phew! 463 00:34:03,873 --> 00:34:06,425 Some of these pictures are amazing. 464 00:34:06,625 --> 00:34:10,936 You can see the baby really clearly in this one. 465 00:34:11,136 --> 00:34:14,894 It's the spitting image of Hugo! No, that is Hugo, Alice. 466 00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:18,528 That's one of your holiday snaps, isn't it, that you showed me? 467 00:34:18,728 --> 00:34:25,153 Still, apart from that one, they must have cheered you up a bit? 468 00:34:25,353 --> 00:34:28,227 I can't deny it. They have. Great. 469 00:34:28,427 --> 00:34:31,985 So, any chance of you coming back to normal today? 470 00:34:32,185 --> 00:34:35,878 Ah. I don't know about that, young Alice. 471 00:34:36,078 --> 00:34:38,700 I've been thinking long and hard. 472 00:34:38,900 --> 00:34:44,098 I can't imagine myself preaching about right and wrong 473 00:34:44,298 --> 00:34:46,630 after...what's happened. 474 00:34:46,830 --> 00:34:52,654 Will you give this to David and the parish council? Yeah. 475 00:34:52,854 --> 00:34:57,908 What is it? Just give it to them, hey? Lovely pics. Thank you. 476 00:34:58,108 --> 00:35:00,975 Mmm. Telly-bye-bye. 477 00:35:06,425 --> 00:35:07,872 Well, Gentlemen... 478 00:35:08,072 --> 00:35:09,818 I'm afraid our crisis deepens, 479 00:35:09,918 --> 00:35:12,604 I have today received a letter from our vicar, 480 00:35:12,804 --> 00:35:15,673 tendering...her resignation. 481 00:35:15,873 --> 00:35:19,911 What? Shame! We all know our instinctive reaction, 482 00:35:20,111 --> 00:35:25,448 but the fact is, we have had no services now for two weeks. 483 00:35:25,648 --> 00:35:31,130 This is a serious situation. I have photocopied her letter. 484 00:35:31,330 --> 00:35:36,152 Please read it, then we'll all make up our minds. 485 00:35:36,352 --> 00:35:37,820 Thank you, Hugo. 486 00:35:40,300 --> 00:35:43,823 Are you sure this is the right letter? -Of course I'm sure! 487 00:35:44,023 --> 00:35:46,391 "Dear Miss Messenger... 488 00:35:48,042 --> 00:35:52,703 "Forgive this unusual request, but my ten-year-old son David 489 00:35:52,903 --> 00:35:55,223 "would like a signed photo of you..." 490 00:35:55,423 --> 00:36:00,780 "..with or without top - you decide - he's a little scamp." 491 00:36:00,980 --> 00:36:03,787 Sorry, Dad, it's the photocopier. He's a scamp! 492 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:07,658 Calm down, calm down. 493 00:36:07,858 --> 00:36:10,377 This is a very grave business. 494 00:36:11,177 --> 00:36:14,429 I have read the letter and it makes pretty convincing reading. 495 00:36:14,629 --> 00:36:18,516 Have a look and then let me know what you think we should do. 496 00:36:18,716 --> 00:36:21,400 We have a very important decision to make. 497 00:36:27,563 --> 00:36:30,350 Well, I think it's obvious what we have to do. 498 00:36:34,189 --> 00:36:37,142 So...did they accept my resignation? 499 00:36:37,342 --> 00:36:40,716 I don't know. They just asked me to come and collect you. 500 00:36:40,916 --> 00:36:44,506 Face the music in person, hey? Yeah. 501 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,285 Fair enough. 502 00:36:49,213 --> 00:36:51,577 Let me just lay a line of Curly Wurlies... 503 00:36:53,604 --> 00:36:55,048 in case it goes badly. 504 00:36:55,248 --> 00:36:57,699 I want something nice to return home to. 505 00:36:59,598 --> 00:37:03,013 They didn't want there to be any misunderstanding. 506 00:37:03,213 --> 00:37:04,632 I see. 507 00:37:08,974 --> 00:37:10,480 Right. 508 00:37:12,117 --> 00:37:14,155 I get the message. 509 00:37:24,971 --> 00:37:30,214 Thank you very much. I suppose I'd better withdraw my resignation. 510 00:37:30,414 --> 00:37:32,080 Hurray! 511 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:37,744 However, I do feel that I need a real holiday, so I'm refreshed. 512 00:37:37,944 --> 00:37:40,092 Fair enough. -Absolutely. 513 00:37:40,292 --> 00:37:45,178 So I'd like Frank to do another month of sermons, till November. 514 00:37:45,378 --> 00:37:47,520 No! No! No! 515 00:37:47,620 --> 00:37:49,377 No, no, no, no! 516 00:37:49,477 --> 00:37:52,112 No, no, no, no! 517 00:37:52,212 --> 00:37:54,990 No! No! 518 00:37:55,190 --> 00:37:57,669 Just kidding. See you Sunday! 519 00:38:31,937 --> 00:38:35,703 Apparently, they've come up with a new, low-fat communion wafer. 520 00:38:35,903 --> 00:38:38,622 That's good news. 521 00:38:38,822 --> 00:38:42,243 Yeah - they've called it "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus". 522 00:38:50,302 --> 00:38:52,871 Like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Exactly. 523 00:38:53,071 --> 00:38:56,925 Yes. We should get some. Shall I order them? 524 00:38:57,125 --> 00:39:00,372 No - because it's a joke, isn't it? 525 00:39:01,386 --> 00:39:05,731 What is? Wafers. The low-fat wafers, they're a joke. 526 00:39:05,931 --> 00:39:08,420 Are you sure? -Yes! 527 00:39:09,637 --> 00:39:14,447 I don't know, because, you see, a joke is meant to be a play on words, 528 00:39:14,647 --> 00:39:19,997 or a witticism, or a comic juxtaposition of disparate ideas 529 00:39:20,097 --> 00:39:22,362 to provoke a spontaneous explosion of laughter. 530 00:39:22,562 --> 00:39:25,671 So what you told me can't have been a joke, 531 00:39:26,881 --> 00:39:30,269 cos I didn't laugh...at all. 532 00:39:33,907 --> 00:39:36,000 Oh, sod off, Alice! 533 00:39:36,050 --> 00:39:40,600 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42816

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