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1
00:00:38,817 --> 00:00:42,638
So, this is the first day
of the honeymoon. Ooooh!
2
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:49,779
And who's that? Who is it?
That's me at the airport. Yes!
3
00:00:51,145 --> 00:00:53,421
And this is a nice woman
we met on the flight.
4
00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,835
She was a bit tired
when we got to Turkey,
5
00:00:56,035 --> 00:00:59,068
so Hugo was ever so sweet
and carried her case through customs.
6
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:09,587
Well, I think I can anticipate
the next photo.
7
00:01:09,787 --> 00:01:13,265
That's the customs opening the case.
8
00:01:15,257 --> 00:01:18,392
How much cocaine IS that, Hugo?
9
00:01:18,592 --> 00:01:21,261
I'm told a street value
of �84 million.
10
00:01:22,461 --> 00:01:26,759
Impressive. They let him go
when they knew he was innocent.
11
00:01:26,928 --> 00:01:30,428
Which was...?
Er, 14 months later.
12
00:01:30,628 --> 00:01:35,096
I'd better go. I'm meeting my
post-traumatic stress counsellor.
13
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:39,611
Awfully nice chap. Have to
pretend to be a bit doolally.
14
00:01:39,811 --> 00:01:42,305
Don't want him thinking
he's wasting his time.
15
00:01:50,181 --> 00:01:54,485
So, how's married life,
little miss coke donkey?
16
00:01:55,522 --> 00:01:59,228
Everything all right
in the bedroom? Nice.
17
00:02:00,793 --> 00:02:02,499
We had a bit of trouble early on -
18
00:02:02,699 --> 00:02:06,051
couldn't quite work out
what went in where.
19
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,482
Well, that's always tricky.
20
00:02:12,815 --> 00:02:15,126
But once we got a wardrobe,
we were fine.
21
00:02:19,049 --> 00:02:24,671
I hope he doesn't go off me now. Why
would he, you strange little idiot?
22
00:02:24,871 --> 00:02:28,675
Well, I might lose
my potent sexual allure.
23
00:02:28,875 --> 00:02:34,740
I'm putting on weight - 4lb in the
last month - that's a pound a week.
24
00:02:34,940 --> 00:02:37,065
Is that right?
-Yeah.
25
00:02:37,265 --> 00:02:42,750
By the time I'm 50, I'll weigh 82
stone, which is more than a walrus.
26
00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:48,468
I don't want to look like a walrus.
You haven't been sick, have you?
27
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,469
Yeah, every single morning.
28
00:02:54,343 --> 00:02:58,541
Well, in that case young lady, I think I've
got some very important news for you.
29
00:02:58,741 --> 00:03:02,584
I've qualified for
the Vomit Olympics? No, no, no.
30
00:03:02,784 --> 00:03:07,384
The truth is, my dearest little verger,
I think you might be pregnant.
31
00:03:07,584 --> 00:03:11,774
No, that can't be right.
You mean, you haven't...?
32
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:14,299
No...no!
33
00:03:14,499 --> 00:03:18,676
We've certainly played the odd
round of hide the purple parsnip.
34
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:25,810
No no no, I've done the test
and it said I wasn't pregnant.
35
00:03:26,010 --> 00:03:28,507
The hamster didn't turn blue
or anything.
36
00:03:29,379 --> 00:03:32,829
I'm not familiar with
this particular pregnancy test.
37
00:03:33,029 --> 00:03:35,083
It's how we've always done it
in Dibley.
38
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:39,678
You get a hamster, wee on it, and
if it turns blue, you're pregnant.
39
00:03:41,045 --> 00:03:44,010
Right.. -It's true.
Right... -Yeah.
40
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:49,589
Hiya, Vicarage.
Alice Horton nee Tinker speaking.
41
00:03:49,789 --> 00:03:54,000
That's nee as in born,
not the noise a horse makes.
42
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,307
That would be ne-e-e-e-eigh!
43
00:03:57,507 --> 00:04:02,822
Who's calling? Oh, Uncle Simon!
Oh, Simon you hav'nt...
44
00:04:03,022 --> 00:04:06,248
Me, me, me. Oh, I've got
so much news, the honeymoon was...
45
00:04:06,448 --> 00:04:10,884
Simon. Hi! Haven't heard
from you for ages.
46
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,653
Ever think of, er, dropping by?
What, Saturday?
47
00:04:14,853 --> 00:04:19,999
This Saturday?! Obviously,
I'll have to check my diary -
48
00:04:20,199 --> 00:04:23,123
just see if I've got
any time at all.
49
00:04:23,323 --> 00:04:27,154
Yes! It seems I have
got a hole available....
50
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:29,151
Window. Window available.
51
00:04:30,782 --> 00:04:36,000
So, any idea what we, er,
might get up to?
52
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,502
You want to do what to me, sorry?
53
00:04:39,602 --> 00:04:40,697
I wou... Get off!
54
00:04:40,897 --> 00:04:43,135
W-Wouldn't that melt?
55
00:04:44,631 --> 00:04:47,064
Oh, you think it would be nicer
if it did melt?
56
00:04:48,305 --> 00:04:49,675
Yeah.
Yeah.
57
00:04:49,875 --> 00:04:53,769
OK, well, can't wait then.
See you Saturday. Bye.
58
00:04:54,644 --> 00:04:57,000
A-a-a-a-a-h!
59
00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,184
A-a-a-ah!
60
00:05:08,670 --> 00:05:10,156
Do you know something?
61
00:05:10,529 --> 00:05:14,460
I think Uncle Simon
might be quite keen on you.
62
00:05:14,660 --> 00:05:16,266
Off-off-off-off!
63
00:05:17,507 --> 00:05:22,143
Listen, if you want any tips
on how to attract a man,
64
00:05:22,343 --> 00:05:23,912
from someone who's got one... Yes.
65
00:05:24,112 --> 00:05:29,678
..I have got one or two sure-fire
seduction techniques. Oh! Such as?
66
00:05:29,878 --> 00:05:32,980
Erm - you can't beat
a nice pink anorak.
67
00:05:34,204 --> 00:05:35,610
Hugo always love me in mine.
68
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,141
When I'm naked,
Hugo makes me wear it... Stop, stop.
69
00:05:39,341 --> 00:05:43,488
No, no. Too much detail, sorry.
Horrible mental picture there.
70
00:05:43,688 --> 00:05:47,753
Just think, when you're married,
you can go to bed together too,
71
00:05:47,953 --> 00:05:51,539
which is absolutely scrummy.
-So I'm told.
72
00:05:51,739 --> 00:05:53,380
But it is'nt scrummy if you're
not married of course.......
73
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,875
Then you go to hell
and all your bits drop off.
74
00:05:56,971 --> 00:06:02,076
Well, not necessarily. You know all
that, all about eternal damnation
75
00:06:02,276 --> 00:06:07,088
and pneumatic drills in your brain
if you look upon a man with lust.
76
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,262
Especially as a vicar.
77
00:06:10,223 --> 00:06:13,389
God would probably have to
strangle you with his bare hands.
78
00:06:15,453 --> 00:06:19,000
Well... Yeah, well spotted.
Good point.
79
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:23,573
Right, we got quite a lot to get throu
so let's not waste any time, hey?
80
00:06:23,773 --> 00:06:26,717
Item one - apologies for absence.
81
00:06:26,917 --> 00:06:30,438
No, no, no, no...
82
00:06:30,638 --> 00:06:32,405
Yes, I've got one.
83
00:06:32,605 --> 00:06:34,092
Who from?
-Me.
84
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:38,451
But you're here.
85
00:06:38,651 --> 00:06:40,950
Yes, I...
86
00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:45,669
I am here now, but I'm not here
at the next meeting.
87
00:06:45,869 --> 00:06:49,718
Then you don't need to apologise
until the next meeting.
88
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:55,043
But I'm not here at the next meeting.
89
00:06:55,243 --> 00:07:00,316
I know, you send your apologies
BEFORE the next meeting.
90
00:07:00,516 --> 00:07:04,180
That's what I am doing.
I'd better send my apologies too -
91
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:07,663
I'm missing the meeting after that,
cause I wont be on that one
92
00:07:07,863 --> 00:07:12,821
Me too, I'll be missing the one next April.
There's a Captain Scarlet convention.
93
00:07:13,021 --> 00:07:16,002
Stop right there.
This could go on forever.
94
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,554
I could apologize for missing a meeting
in 2010, for God's sake.
95
00:07:20,919 --> 00:07:22,217
Moving on...
96
00:07:22,417 --> 00:07:23,600
Which meeting?
97
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:30,271
What? Which meeting in 2010
are you apologising for?
98
00:07:30,471 --> 00:07:33,142
I'm not apologising.
Well, you should.
99
00:07:34,312 --> 00:07:37,583
There's no point having a meeting
if the chairman's missing.
100
00:07:37,783 --> 00:07:41,318
I'm not missing it,
you raving lunatics!
101
00:07:41,518 --> 00:07:46,163
I am not a lunatic. I have
the psychiatric reports to prove it.
102
00:07:47,563 --> 00:07:50,761
A slender majority of the panel
decided in my favour.
103
00:07:50,961 --> 00:07:55,774
Allright, you are not a lunatic,
but you are a famous idiot!
104
00:07:55,874 --> 00:08:00,665
Now wait a minute, Baldilocks...!
Hey, guys, calm down.
105
00:08:00,765 --> 00:08:05,963
You're like a couple of kids. He
started it. He did. Beardy weirdy!
106
00:08:06,163 --> 00:08:08,429
Stop it. Seriously, come on.
107
00:08:08,629 --> 00:08:11,237
You seem to be forgetting
we're partners here.
108
00:08:11,437 --> 00:08:15,633
I'm always there for you, aren't I?
My house is your house.
109
00:08:15,833 --> 00:08:17,820
And I'd like to believe that
if I ever needed you,
110
00:08:18,020 --> 00:08:19,934
you'd be there for me,
wouldn't you?
111
00:08:20,134 --> 00:08:22,376
Ready and erect, at your service.
112
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:26,673
So no more bickering, OK?
113
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:29,226
From now on,
Dibley Council stands for friends,
114
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:33,006
friend who's working together
with support and love.
115
00:08:34,566 --> 00:08:39,482
You know, Owen - for five years,
I actually WAS in love with you.
116
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:48,074
And even today, when I see you...
on the farm...
117
00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:51,681
..in your wet-weather gear...
118
00:08:51,881 --> 00:08:54,527
Moving on, Mr Chairman,
double quick now!
119
00:08:55,427 --> 00:09:01,013
By the way, my brother's popping down
this weekend - Simon. Is he? Oh!
120
00:09:01,213 --> 00:09:05,711
Sunday lunch, if you care to join us.
Good, old-fashioned pork on the menu.
121
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,281
I think I may be having that
on Saturday.
122
00:09:15,987 --> 00:09:18,099
So what are you up to
on Saturday night?
123
00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:21,423
Now Hugo's left me I'm all on my own.
124
00:09:21,523 --> 00:09:23,036
Thought you might like to come round.
125
00:09:23,236 --> 00:09:25,515
watch Lulu, play a bit of Scrabble.
126
00:09:26,715 --> 00:09:31,155
No, I'll be busy working
on my Simon...sermon.
127
00:09:32,901 --> 00:09:34,790
Pity. What's your text?
128
00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:37,765
Erm, Sermon on the Mount, I hope.
129
00:09:39,733 --> 00:09:42,313
Hello, Vicar!
..Hello, Daddy-o.
130
00:09:42,513 --> 00:09:45,386
Sorry to barge in but we've
got the most fantastic news.
131
00:09:45,486 --> 00:09:46,521
You're getting divorced?
132
00:09:46,721 --> 00:09:51,332
No, silly.
Naughty papa spank bot.
133
00:09:53,562 --> 00:09:57,335
The long and the short of it is,
in short - we're expecting a baby.
134
00:09:57,535 --> 00:10:00,264
Ah, that's brilliant!
135
00:10:00,464 --> 00:10:03,255
Oh, fantastic. Alice!
136
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,496
It's absolutely brilliant,
isn't it, David?
137
00:10:09,096 --> 00:10:11,482
Oh.., Look,
he's so happy, he can't speak.
138
00:10:11,982 --> 00:10:14,049
But I know that look for sure,
139
00:10:14,149 --> 00:10:17,582
That's his old "This is the
best news I've ever had" look!
140
00:10:17,782 --> 00:10:21,528
Is it?
Oh, yes, he's smiling inside.
141
00:10:21,728 --> 00:10:24,310
Look - see?
142
00:10:26,906 --> 00:10:30,541
Fantastic news, Alice. Isn't it?
Yeah.
143
00:10:30,741 --> 00:10:32,588
I'm gonna be a mummy. I know!
144
00:10:32,788 --> 00:10:36,926
Naughty Laa-Laa, stop that or I'll
put you down the toilet and flush.
145
00:10:39,485 --> 00:10:42,187
Yeah..
it's worrying.
146
00:10:43,087 --> 00:10:45,188
Erm, Alice, just something
that's been on my mind
147
00:10:45,388 --> 00:10:49,887
You know, I don't think it is
such a mortal sin these days
148
00:10:50,087 --> 00:10:51,716
for an unmarried vicar to have sex,
149
00:10:51,916 --> 00:10:54,993
just so long as she doesn't rub
her parishioners' noses in it.
150
00:10:56,284 --> 00:10:59,873
Rub their noses in what?
- In the sex.
151
00:11:00,073 --> 00:11:04,020
I'm starting to feel a bit sick.
Yes, yes...
152
00:11:05,303 --> 00:11:07,034
Coming!
153
00:11:08,402 --> 00:11:10,502
That's romantic.
154
00:11:10,702 --> 00:11:12,207
So's that.
155
00:11:12,407 --> 00:11:16,125
I don't think it's going to be
your sort of evening.
156
00:11:22,829 --> 00:11:24,250
Ta-da...!
157
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:27,180
Owen!
- Bloody hell!
158
00:11:30,871 --> 00:11:35,350
It's what you said at the last meeting,
about us all being polite and civilised...
159
00:11:35,450 --> 00:11:41,488
Yep. I'm a rough, country type -
these are all my favourite words,
160
00:11:41,688 --> 00:11:45,099
and you can tell me the ones
I can still use in polite society.
161
00:11:45,299 --> 00:11:49,817
Right, OK, here we go...
No, NO.
162
00:11:50,017 --> 00:11:54,660
Nope... Cucumber? -Yes.
Nothing wrong with cucumber, Owen.
163
00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:58,724
What if you tell someone you're
going to stick it up his backside?
164
00:11:59,822 --> 00:12:02,582
Allright..
That also goes for grappling iron
165
00:12:02,782 --> 00:12:06,260
and full-size ceramic doll
of Sir Cliff Richard? -Right.
166
00:12:07,047 --> 00:12:12,035
Moving on... No, no,
NO!
167
00:12:12,235 --> 00:12:14,166
And the last one...
168
00:12:14,366 --> 00:12:18,086
So if that's all,
I'm very busy, Owen, so...
169
00:12:18,886 --> 00:12:21,140
Perhaps I'll see you in church
on Sunday.
170
00:12:23,294 --> 00:12:26,037
Hello.
-Simon!
171
00:12:26,937 --> 00:12:28,041
Erm...
172
00:12:28,241 --> 00:12:32,486
What a surprise! I didn't
expect to see you today.
173
00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:35,437
I was just passing, purely by chance,
174
00:12:35,637 --> 00:12:38,723
after my unpremeditated return
from Prague.
175
00:12:38,823 --> 00:12:41,102
Yes, well, you have to come back later,
She's busy...
176
00:12:41,202 --> 00:12:43,024
don't you worry,
I see to that he leave..
177
00:12:43,124 --> 00:12:44,510
Well...
-Come on, big guy.
178
00:12:44,610 --> 00:12:47,732
Nice to know when not wanted.
..Good night, Vicar!
179
00:12:50,490 --> 00:12:51,544
Night, then.
180
00:12:58,791 --> 00:13:00,394
Thank you, God,
Thank you, God!
181
00:13:02,399 --> 00:13:06,575
E-oh. E-oh. Is Simon here yet?
No. Thank goodness.
182
00:13:07,447 --> 00:13:10,871
What...? I've brought a lovely pressie.
Oh, You shouldn't have Alice.
183
00:13:13,705 --> 00:13:16,495
No, I mean it,
you really shouldn't have.
184
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:22,258
Go on, put it on. Hugo can't
resist me in mine, can you, Hugo?
185
00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:26,348
No. Come on,
let's have a look.
186
00:13:26,548 --> 00:13:28,339
It doesn't really...suit me.
187
00:13:28,539 --> 00:13:31,098
Oh, yes.
188
00:13:31,298 --> 00:13:34,128
Most moist-making.
189
00:13:34,328 --> 00:13:36,250
R-r-r-r-ruff! Ruff!
190
00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:41,389
Aha!...
I wonder who that could be!
191
00:13:41,489 --> 00:13:42,382
O' Don't get excited,
192
00:13:42,482 --> 00:13:44,565
knowing my luck today,
it'll be Ann Widdecombe.
193
00:13:44,965 --> 00:13:48,898
- Oh, Simon, come on in!
- You'r gorgeous Mrs Horton.
194
00:13:49,298 --> 00:13:52,074
Hello, Simon.
Hello, Nitwit.
195
00:13:52,274 --> 00:13:56,420
Here she is.
-Hi.
196
00:13:56,620 --> 00:13:57,573
R-r-ruff, ruff!
197
00:13:59,476 --> 00:14:04,637
Well, Hugo, time we left these
two lovebirds alone, I think.
198
00:14:04,837 --> 00:14:05,944
Thank you Alice....
199
00:14:06,044 --> 00:14:09,346
We'll have a nice cup of tea in the
kitchen till Simon is ready to leave.
200
00:14:09,546 --> 00:14:11,989
Then we give you a lift home.
-Lift.. Where?
201
00:14:12,089 --> 00:14:14,109
Ah, To father's,
that's were you'r staying is'nt it?
202
00:14:14,209 --> 00:14:16,370
Erm...
-Er, no.
203
00:14:17,312 --> 00:14:21,203
Your Uncle Simon's...
booked into a hotel tonight.
204
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:25,430
We give you a lift there then, which one?
I think it's a bit out of your way.
205
00:14:25,630 --> 00:14:28,528
We don't mind.
-It's in Wales.
206
00:14:29,656 --> 00:14:32,522
Wales?
-Yeah, Wales, yeah, yeah.
207
00:14:33,215 --> 00:14:37,673
I thought you were going to
Father's for Sunday lunch? Yes, yes.
208
00:14:37,873 --> 00:14:43,443
That's right, so tonight I go
to my hotel...in Wales. Wales.
209
00:14:43,643 --> 00:14:47,764
And tomorrow I come back again.
Come back. It's a very good hotel.
210
00:14:48,542 --> 00:14:50,134
Ah!
Right..
211
00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:54,807
So there's absolutely no need
for you two to stick about. Ha-ha!
212
00:14:55,007 --> 00:15:01,377
So you better go.. Night, then.
Righty-ho! OK. No tongues.
213
00:15:10,354 --> 00:15:11,682
So...
214
00:15:11,882 --> 00:15:13,200
So!
215
00:15:16,643 --> 00:15:18,054
Beat it!
216
00:15:20,838 --> 00:15:22,646
So...
217
00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:26,141
Thanks for dropping by.
218
00:15:28,707 --> 00:15:30,464
Do you know any jokes?
Cause I do, here is one,
219
00:15:30,564 --> 00:15:32,996
Where does Saddam Hussein
keep his CDs?
220
00:15:33,096 --> 00:15:34,561
In I-raq.
221
00:15:44,346 --> 00:15:47,788
No, sorry, that just didn't
work at all, I'm afraid.
222
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:49,825
We'll have to try it again.
223
00:15:55,574 --> 00:15:59,409
I've, erm, got some champagne
in the fridge.
224
00:15:59,609 --> 00:16:02,632
I'm told champagne's
even better at altitude.
225
00:16:03,332 --> 00:16:08,037
Is it? Even one flight of stairs
can make all the difference.
226
00:16:10,064 --> 00:16:11,588
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
227
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:15,069
Right, I'll just...get it, then.
228
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,418
No, no,
ignore it.
229
00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:32,093
I hate being a vicar.
230
00:16:32,193 --> 00:16:33,789
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it...
231
00:16:37,549 --> 00:16:41,292
Hello!
Sorry to trouble you, Vicar.
232
00:16:41,492 --> 00:16:44,693
I was actually...just going to bed.
233
00:16:44,893 --> 00:16:50,323
It's just that you said that Dibley
was all about neighbourliness,
234
00:16:50,523 --> 00:16:54,914
and if we ever had a serious
problem, we should come and see you.
235
00:16:55,114 --> 00:17:00,387
Yes... We need to see you now...
desperately.
236
00:17:02,546 --> 00:17:06,266
Of course, guys, come on in.
Thank you, Vicar.
237
00:17:06,466 --> 00:17:08,675
Make yourselves comfortable.
238
00:17:12,254 --> 00:17:13,715
Right, then, guys...
239
00:17:15,441 --> 00:17:18,520
Tell me...
what's the problem?
240
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,052
It's seven down.
241
00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:26,839
Seven down. We've been
struggling with it all day.
242
00:17:27,039 --> 00:17:32,023
It's been hell I can tell you.
It's eight letters, first letter, P,
243
00:17:32,223 --> 00:17:34,120
and third letter, O.
244
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,693
Plodipop.
245
00:17:36,893 --> 00:17:39,682
No wonder we did'nt get it of!
I've never heard of it.
246
00:17:40,658 --> 00:17:46,336
You need a pretty eclectic vocab
to do the, er, Sun quick crossword.
247
00:17:46,536 --> 00:17:51,033
Right then chap's
No more problems, then?
248
00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:54,699
Well, my wife is having sex
with her cousin Brenda,
249
00:17:54,899 --> 00:18:00,160
but that'll keep till the morning.
I think so. Off you go, then.
250
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:02,723
Aaaagh!
251
00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:07,086
Sorry, it's just been
a plodipoppy sort of a day.
252
00:18:07,286 --> 00:18:09,158
Mohammed wouldn't
come to the mountain...
253
00:18:09,258 --> 00:18:11,040
the mountain must
come to Mohammed...
254
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,023
David, let joy be unconfined!
255
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:17,965
But I am not playing Scrabble.
256
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:19,197
No.
257
00:18:21,574 --> 00:18:24,445
Plodipop?
Yes. Your turn, Vicar.
258
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:31,083
Erm... Do you think, er, perhaps,
you know...time for bed?
259
00:18:31,183 --> 00:18:32,533
You know,
it's getting on a bit...
260
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:36,231
We can't stop in the middle
of a game Geraldine. -Right..
261
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:51,370
Geraldine! Is there any chance
of you coming to bed soon?
262
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,202
I'm so sorry to interrupt,
263
00:18:57,302 --> 00:19:01,834
it's just that I've been waiting for
this gorgeous creature for hours.
264
00:19:02,034 --> 00:19:04,924
She wont tell you her self of course,
...she's your vicar.
265
00:19:05,024 --> 00:19:07,779
She always puts your happiness
above her own.
266
00:19:07,979 --> 00:19:11,828
But I can't help thinking,
on this one occasion,
267
00:19:12,028 --> 00:19:15,005
she might quite like you to go.
268
00:19:17,541 --> 00:19:21,134
Yes, of course.
..Frank, Jim, come on.
269
00:19:23,165 --> 00:19:24,383
Need any condoms?
270
00:19:27,653 --> 00:19:29,521
No, thank you, Jim.
271
00:19:29,721 --> 00:19:32,610
I always carry half a dozen,
in case I get lucky you know..
272
00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:41,441
I hope you know what you're doing.
I'm sure it'll come back to me.
273
00:19:44,197 --> 00:19:49,162
Good luck, Vicar. Here we go,
just in case. Thank you, Frank.
274
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,628
I think he'll make you very happy.
Thank you.
275
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,953
And if he doesn't,
I'll have a go.
276
00:19:58,194 --> 00:19:59,586
Thank you, Jim.
277
00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:03,353
Sorry, I thought they'd never leave.
278
00:20:04,343 --> 00:20:05,756
Oh, come on.
279
00:20:23,940 --> 00:20:26,080
For afterwards.
280
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,920
Thanks.
281
00:20:54,561 --> 00:20:58,383
No matter what they tell us
282
00:20:59,881 --> 00:21:02,673
No matter what they do
283
00:21:04,814 --> 00:21:08,866
No matter what they teach us
284
00:21:10,012 --> 00:21:13,343
What we believe is true
285
00:21:14,702 --> 00:21:19,654
And I will keep you
safe and strong
286
00:21:20,338 --> 00:21:23,621
Shelter from the storm
287
00:21:24,126 --> 00:21:25,739
No matter where
288
00:21:25,939 --> 00:21:29,075
No matter where it's going
289
00:21:31,185 --> 00:21:33,795
A dream is being born
290
00:21:56,773 --> 00:22:00,621
No matter who they follow
291
00:22:01,980 --> 00:22:05,502
No matter where they lead
292
00:22:07,328 --> 00:22:10,602
No matter how they judge us
293
00:22:11,952 --> 00:22:15,490
I'll be everyone you need
294
00:22:16,437 --> 00:22:22,056
No matter if the sun don't shine
295
00:22:22,844 --> 00:22:25,865
Or if the skies aren't blue
296
00:22:28,045 --> 00:22:31,855
No matter what the end is
297
00:22:32,542 --> 00:22:36,538
My life began with you...
298
00:22:37,871 --> 00:22:40,551
So.. You mean
he stays the whole night?
299
00:22:40,751 --> 00:22:44,424
That's what I'm saying.
In her bed!
300
00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:46,197
Golly.
301
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:51,435
So where does she sleep?
-With him!
302
00:22:51,635 --> 00:22:55,267
Good Lord!
Seems all right to me.
303
00:22:55,467 --> 00:22:59,316
For a vicar to have sex willy-nilly
in front of her parishioners?
304
00:22:59,516 --> 00:23:01,287
I shouldn't think
it's a case of willy-nilly.
305
00:23:01,387 --> 00:23:03,709
Willy has got to be willing.
306
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,441
You can't do it with
a willy that's nilly.
307
00:23:10,421 --> 00:23:13,065
Be serious, Owen.
-I am serious.
308
00:23:13,265 --> 00:23:17,235
on principal, I'm a great believer
in sex before marriage -
309
00:23:17,435 --> 00:23:20,138
otherwise I wouldn't have had
any sex at all.
310
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,369
Well fortunately, my memory is
that Jesus was against it,
311
00:23:25,569 --> 00:23:28,421
which I think is a problem
when we talking about our vicar.
312
00:23:28,621 --> 00:23:30,498
Yes, but thing was very different
in His day,
313
00:23:30,598 --> 00:23:32,559
women weren't emancipated,
314
00:23:32,791 --> 00:23:36,842
and they hadn't yet launched
Minx magazine. Good point.
315
00:23:37,042 --> 00:23:41,962
I bet you and Alice were at it like
rabbits before you were married.
316
00:23:42,162 --> 00:23:45,444
Right, yes.
-What did I tell you?
317
00:23:45,644 --> 00:23:48,862
Hugo...
-Yes, well...
318
00:23:49,062 --> 00:23:51,715
We certainly ate
a lot of carrots together.
319
00:23:54,689 --> 00:23:57,759
Well I'm still worried,..
there's something not right at all.
320
00:23:57,959 --> 00:24:01,226
And I mean, Simon's just not...
-Rubbish!
321
00:24:01,426 --> 00:24:03,240
As long he's private about it,
322
00:24:03,340 --> 00:24:07,367
I think we should let her, and Simon
and their love-making be...
323
00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:12,561
OK, OK. Although I wouldn't
mind seeing a few polaroids.
324
00:24:15,488 --> 00:24:17,831
So, time for bed?
325
00:24:18,031 --> 00:24:20,628
Let's have a coffee first.
326
00:24:20,828 --> 00:24:25,285
OK. Good idea.
Fancy some ice cream? Yes, please.
327
00:24:26,887 --> 00:24:31,446
What flavour? What have you got?
You don't want to ask that.
328
00:24:31,646 --> 00:24:36,619
Why? Cos I just got myself a
brand new freezer. Yum, yum, yum!
329
00:24:40,809 --> 00:24:44,705
What do you fancy?
I'll have that little one. Oh?
330
00:24:44,905 --> 00:24:49,130
Please yourself. You get a dinky
little plastic spoon with that one.
331
00:24:49,330 --> 00:24:50,166
Thanks.
332
00:24:54,389 --> 00:24:57,066
So happy you're here.
333
00:25:01,163 --> 00:25:05,057
I'm sorry, Gerry,
but this just isn't working.
334
00:25:05,257 --> 00:25:09,134
I'll get you a proper spoon.
I don't mean the spoon.
335
00:25:09,334 --> 00:25:12,419
I meant us - you and me.
336
00:25:14,241 --> 00:25:15,187
Ah.
337
00:25:16,387 --> 00:25:17,238
Ah.
338
00:25:17,438 --> 00:25:21,670
That's, er...unexpected.
339
00:25:21,870 --> 00:25:24,783
The thing is,..
It's been fantastic, but, er...
340
00:25:24,983 --> 00:25:27,640
I think we've been taking it
a bit fast.
341
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:32,637
I feel we ought to apply the brakes
for a second, if you get my meaning.
342
00:25:32,837 --> 00:25:36,999
Yes - I mean you're
speaking English, aren't you?
343
00:25:37,199 --> 00:25:40,863
And I understand English, so
I don't think meaning's the problem.
344
00:25:42,202 --> 00:25:43,192
The thing is...
345
00:25:43,392 --> 00:25:48,068
There is... Was...
346
00:25:48,268 --> 00:25:53,574
No, erm...IS another girl
in Liverpool.
347
00:25:55,100 --> 00:26:00,195
Another girl? Yeah. I thought
it was definitely all off,
348
00:26:00,395 --> 00:26:03,576
but I've spoken to her a couple
of times in the last week or so,
349
00:26:03,776 --> 00:26:05,662
and, I don't know, maybe...
350
00:26:06,862 --> 00:26:10,722
I don't know.
-I think you do know.
351
00:26:10,922 --> 00:26:15,544
But you're a custard,
of the cowardy, cowardy variety.
352
00:26:17,021 --> 00:26:18,586
I know, I'm sorry.
353
00:26:20,218 --> 00:26:25,072
Why don't we just say that
that was the autumn that was -
354
00:26:26,057 --> 00:26:28,307
let's see what winter brings?
355
00:26:28,507 --> 00:26:31,902
Yeah. Either that or...
356
00:26:32,102 --> 00:26:36,294
get out of my house, you
treacherous, gigantic, elongated Bastard.
357
00:26:37,902 --> 00:26:43,174
Er, but no - probably the autumn-
winter metaphor is much nicer.
358
00:26:43,959 --> 00:26:47,967
Much nicer for you.
-I'm sorry.
359
00:26:49,134 --> 00:26:50,506
Yeah.
360
00:26:51,513 --> 00:26:53,653
No, I think not.
361
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,321
Right, couple of announcements -
362
00:26:58,521 --> 00:27:01,796
one, we may experience
some interruptions today because...
363
00:27:05,222 --> 00:27:10,244
And two... Sorry, why did you say
we're going to have interruptions?
364
00:27:10,444 --> 00:27:15,337
I couldn't hear because of
the drilling. Yes, that's it. What?
365
00:27:15,537 --> 00:27:19,058
That's the reason were likely to experience
some interruptions , it's because...
366
00:27:22,269 --> 00:27:24,161
I still didn't get it.
367
00:27:25,239 --> 00:27:28,241
And two - I don't know
if the Vicar will be joining us tonight,
368
00:27:28,341 --> 00:27:30,083
I haven't seen a lot of her recently.
369
00:27:30,283 --> 00:27:32,496
No no no,
your brother has!
370
00:27:33,345 --> 00:27:36,043
Yes that is just my point.
371
00:27:36,822 --> 00:27:40,231
If she comes
can I ask everyone to be discreet?
372
00:27:40,431 --> 00:27:43,543
At the last meeting she asked us
to be polite and civilised,
373
00:27:43,643 --> 00:27:46,196
I think she was right.
-Here, here.
374
00:27:46,396 --> 00:27:49,183
Ah, Vicar!
You're a little late..
375
00:27:50,525 --> 00:27:51,980
Tough titties.
376
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:59,943
Item one - apologies for absence.
Yes, I have a note from the last meeting
377
00:28:00,043 --> 00:28:02,824
to say that Jim
can't be with us today.
378
00:28:04,900 --> 00:28:08,799
Why can't I be with you?
What have I done?
379
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,350
No, you said
you couldn't be with us.
380
00:28:12,550 --> 00:28:13,743
I did?
381
00:28:15,100 --> 00:28:17,582
Where am I meant to be?
382
00:28:19,095 --> 00:28:21,096
I'll tell you
where you're meant to be, Jim.
383
00:28:21,296 --> 00:28:26,095
Where you said you'd be.
But no, you're a man, aren't you?
384
00:28:26,295 --> 00:28:30,528
You say one thing but mean another,
raise our hopes, then dash them.
385
00:28:30,728 --> 00:28:33,485
You promise us joy,
then break our hearts!
386
00:28:34,882 --> 00:28:37,002
So you don't
want me at the meeting, then?
387
00:28:37,102 --> 00:28:39,030
I'll tell you what I want Jim.
388
00:28:39,230 --> 00:28:44,813
I want to find one man on Earth who
isn't the spawn of Satan. -Oh, Really!
389
00:28:45,013 --> 00:28:46,636
And you can shut it too,
egg-head.
390
00:28:46,736 --> 00:28:50,523
You're all the same are'nt you,
your just a bunch of...
391
00:28:54,406 --> 00:28:58,780
..who should be force-fed Winalot
up your nose till you die.
392
00:28:58,980 --> 00:29:02,290
What is actually what I like to do
to your oh-so-charming brother,
393
00:29:02,390 --> 00:29:04,293
who seems to keeps his brains in his...
394
00:29:08,469 --> 00:29:14,257
..frankly is the size of a button
mushroom, so why don't you just...?
395
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,416
..and the Krankies!
396
00:29:23,311 --> 00:29:27,913
Well, it doesn't take a genius
to work out what brought that on.
397
00:29:28,113 --> 00:29:30,451
You're right, it was Jim.
398
00:29:31,967 --> 00:29:35,039
Honestly, Jim,
sort yourself out.
399
00:29:35,239 --> 00:29:36,162
Yes.
400
00:29:37,759 --> 00:29:40,007
I'm sorry about that.
401
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:45,418
How are you? I think I've eaten
a bit too much ice cream.
402
00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:47,751
Oh. How much?
403
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,394
Oh, right!
404
00:29:53,745 --> 00:29:58,155
Well, I just thought I'd
remind you, erm, that it's Sunday.
405
00:29:58,355 --> 00:30:00,905
It's time for the service,
406
00:30:01,105 --> 00:30:04,517
and everyone's waiting
in the church for you.
407
00:30:04,717 --> 00:30:08,620
No, I'm not going there today,
I'm not doing that, no.
408
00:30:08,820 --> 00:30:11,458
Right. Interesting.
409
00:30:12,358 --> 00:30:13,501
OK.
410
00:30:18,825 --> 00:30:20,680
Right...
411
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,222
Better get started on these, then.
412
00:30:33,668 --> 00:30:36,151
Now, my fellow villagers,
413
00:30:36,351 --> 00:30:38,597
I think you all know why
I've called you all here today.
414
00:30:38,697 --> 00:30:40,345
It's about our vicar.
415
00:30:40,526 --> 00:30:44,118
Yes. she allready missed
one set of Sunday service,
416
00:30:44,218 --> 00:30:46,691
It's important she doesn't
miss another..
417
00:30:46,891 --> 00:30:49,078
Could I just say...?
418
00:30:49,278 --> 00:30:53,069
I thought Mr Pickle gave
a lovely sermon as lay preacher.
419
00:30:53,269 --> 00:30:57,662
Yes, Bravo,.. How he kept going for
two-and-a-half hours was amazing!
420
00:30:59,017 --> 00:31:03,043
As I said, It's absolutely VITAL that
she doesn't miss another Sunday.
421
00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:06,312
I need hardly remind you,
422
00:31:06,512 --> 00:31:10,099
we actually lost a couple of the
older members of our congregation
423
00:31:10,299 --> 00:31:11,784
during last week's service.
424
00:31:13,432 --> 00:31:16,574
Don't worry, Frank.
They were going to die anyway.
425
00:31:17,940 --> 00:31:21,192
And the fellow who yelled,
"If this moron doesn't stop soon,
426
00:31:21,392 --> 00:31:25,515
"I'll kill myself" and two minutes
later shot himself in the head -
427
00:31:26,315 --> 00:31:29,511
well, he'd been gloomy
for quite some time.
428
00:31:30,411 --> 00:31:33,180
Right, has anyone
got any suggestions?
429
00:31:33,380 --> 00:31:39,050
I have one suggestion. Mrs Horton.
Who? Oh, yeah!
430
00:31:39,250 --> 00:31:46,658
Um... You know the series
Walking With Dinosaurs?
431
00:31:46,858 --> 00:31:48,187
Yes.
432
00:31:48,987 --> 00:31:54,440
Well, they recreated the dinosaurs
digitally, just using a computer.
433
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:58,789
I thought maybe we could do the same
with Uncle Simon.
434
00:31:59,989 --> 00:32:02,500
Recreate him digitally?
435
00:32:03,576 --> 00:32:08,439
That's right. Then send the digital
Simon round to the Vicarage,
436
00:32:08,639 --> 00:32:13,308
so that he and the Vicar
could kiss and...things, you know,
437
00:32:13,408 --> 00:32:15,173
and live happily ever after.
438
00:32:16,673 --> 00:32:19,746
So your plan is that
we get a holographic,
439
00:32:19,846 --> 00:32:22,646
two-dimensional human
to marry the Vicar?
440
00:32:22,846 --> 00:32:24,383
Exactly.
441
00:32:26,607 --> 00:32:30,023
Does anyone spot the defect
in this plan?
442
00:32:30,879 --> 00:32:33,493
No, no, no.
Sounds pretty good to me.
443
00:32:33,693 --> 00:32:37,795
All those in favour
of recruiting a digital Simon...
444
00:32:38,995 --> 00:32:41,825
for the Vicar, ASAP?
445
00:32:42,025 --> 00:32:44,213
One, two, three, four...
446
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,793
And if that fails,
I do have a plan B.
447
00:32:47,893 --> 00:32:49,168
-Oh, my God!
448
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,170
Ah, yes, got 'em.
449
00:32:58,124 --> 00:33:01,571
Go away!
I've something to show you!
450
00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:06,100
If it isn't Simon's testicles
on a skewer, I don't want to know!
451
00:33:06,300 --> 00:33:09,671
It's some pictures -
I'll put them through the letter box.
452
00:33:09,871 --> 00:33:13,006
Oh!
453
00:33:22,785 --> 00:33:30,404
Oh, Alice, they're beautiful.
Thank you!
454
00:33:30,604 --> 00:33:33,014
Oh!
455
00:33:34,507 --> 00:33:36,347
Oh!
456
00:33:39,731 --> 00:33:41,879
If you look carefully... Mmm?
457
00:33:42,079 --> 00:33:46,082
That's a little tiny leg! Oh, yeah.
458
00:33:46,282 --> 00:33:49,725
And that's the other leg.
And what's that there?
459
00:33:49,925 --> 00:33:53,561
Erm, that's another leg.
460
00:33:53,761 --> 00:33:58,445
Oh, no, it's got three legs!
No, no.
461
00:33:58,645 --> 00:34:01,660
That's probably an arm, isn't it?
462
00:34:01,860 --> 00:34:03,673
Oh, phew!
463
00:34:03,873 --> 00:34:06,425
Some of these pictures are amazing.
464
00:34:06,625 --> 00:34:10,936
You can see the baby
really clearly in this one.
465
00:34:11,136 --> 00:34:14,894
It's the spitting image of Hugo!
No, that is Hugo, Alice.
466
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:18,528
That's one of your holiday snaps,
isn't it, that you showed me?
467
00:34:18,728 --> 00:34:25,153
Still, apart from that one,
they must have cheered you up a bit?
468
00:34:25,353 --> 00:34:28,227
I can't deny it. They have. Great.
469
00:34:28,427 --> 00:34:31,985
So, any chance of you
coming back to normal today?
470
00:34:32,185 --> 00:34:35,878
Ah. I don't know about that,
young Alice.
471
00:34:36,078 --> 00:34:38,700
I've been thinking long and hard.
472
00:34:38,900 --> 00:34:44,098
I can't imagine myself
preaching about right and wrong
473
00:34:44,298 --> 00:34:46,630
after...what's happened.
474
00:34:46,830 --> 00:34:52,654
Will you give this to David
and the parish council? Yeah.
475
00:34:52,854 --> 00:34:57,908
What is it? Just give it to them,
hey? Lovely pics. Thank you.
476
00:34:58,108 --> 00:35:00,975
Mmm. Telly-bye-bye.
477
00:35:06,425 --> 00:35:07,872
Well, Gentlemen...
478
00:35:08,072 --> 00:35:09,818
I'm afraid our crisis deepens,
479
00:35:09,918 --> 00:35:12,604
I have today received
a letter from our vicar,
480
00:35:12,804 --> 00:35:15,673
tendering...her resignation.
481
00:35:15,873 --> 00:35:19,911
What? Shame! We all know
our instinctive reaction,
482
00:35:20,111 --> 00:35:25,448
but the fact is, we have had
no services now for two weeks.
483
00:35:25,648 --> 00:35:31,130
This is a serious situation.
I have photocopied her letter.
484
00:35:31,330 --> 00:35:36,152
Please read it,
then we'll all make up our minds.
485
00:35:36,352 --> 00:35:37,820
Thank you, Hugo.
486
00:35:40,300 --> 00:35:43,823
Are you sure this is the right letter?
-Of course I'm sure!
487
00:35:44,023 --> 00:35:46,391
"Dear Miss Messenger...
488
00:35:48,042 --> 00:35:52,703
"Forgive this unusual request,
but my ten-year-old son David
489
00:35:52,903 --> 00:35:55,223
"would like a signed
photo of you..."
490
00:35:55,423 --> 00:36:00,780
"..with or without top -
you decide - he's a little scamp."
491
00:36:00,980 --> 00:36:03,787
Sorry, Dad, it's the photocopier.
He's a scamp!
492
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:07,658
Calm down, calm down.
493
00:36:07,858 --> 00:36:10,377
This is a very grave business.
494
00:36:11,177 --> 00:36:14,429
I have read the letter and it makes
pretty convincing reading.
495
00:36:14,629 --> 00:36:18,516
Have a look and then let me know
what you think we should do.
496
00:36:18,716 --> 00:36:21,400
We have a very
important decision to make.
497
00:36:27,563 --> 00:36:30,350
Well, I think it's obvious
what we have to do.
498
00:36:34,189 --> 00:36:37,142
So...did they accept
my resignation?
499
00:36:37,342 --> 00:36:40,716
I don't know. They just asked me
to come and collect you.
500
00:36:40,916 --> 00:36:44,506
Face the music in person, hey? Yeah.
501
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,285
Fair enough.
502
00:36:49,213 --> 00:36:51,577
Let me just lay a line
of Curly Wurlies...
503
00:36:53,604 --> 00:36:55,048
in case it goes badly.
504
00:36:55,248 --> 00:36:57,699
I want something nice
to return home to.
505
00:36:59,598 --> 00:37:03,013
They didn't want there to be
any misunderstanding.
506
00:37:03,213 --> 00:37:04,632
I see.
507
00:37:08,974 --> 00:37:10,480
Right.
508
00:37:12,117 --> 00:37:14,155
I get the message.
509
00:37:24,971 --> 00:37:30,214
Thank you very much. I suppose
I'd better withdraw my resignation.
510
00:37:30,414 --> 00:37:32,080
Hurray!
511
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:37,744
However, I do feel that I need
a real holiday, so I'm refreshed.
512
00:37:37,944 --> 00:37:40,092
Fair enough.
-Absolutely.
513
00:37:40,292 --> 00:37:45,178
So I'd like Frank to do another
month of sermons, till November.
514
00:37:45,378 --> 00:37:47,520
No! No! No!
515
00:37:47,620 --> 00:37:49,377
No, no, no, no!
516
00:37:49,477 --> 00:37:52,112
No, no, no, no!
517
00:37:52,212 --> 00:37:54,990
No! No!
518
00:37:55,190 --> 00:37:57,669
Just kidding.
See you Sunday!
519
00:38:31,937 --> 00:38:35,703
Apparently, they've come up with
a new, low-fat communion wafer.
520
00:38:35,903 --> 00:38:38,622
That's good news.
521
00:38:38,822 --> 00:38:42,243
Yeah - they've called it
"I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus".
522
00:38:50,302 --> 00:38:52,871
Like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Exactly.
523
00:38:53,071 --> 00:38:56,925
Yes. We should get some.
Shall I order them?
524
00:38:57,125 --> 00:39:00,372
No - because it's a joke, isn't it?
525
00:39:01,386 --> 00:39:05,731
What is? Wafers.
The low-fat wafers, they're a joke.
526
00:39:05,931 --> 00:39:08,420
Are you sure?
-Yes!
527
00:39:09,637 --> 00:39:14,447
I don't know, because, you see, a
joke is meant to be a play on words,
528
00:39:14,647 --> 00:39:19,997
or a witticism, or a comic
juxtaposition of disparate ideas
529
00:39:20,097 --> 00:39:22,362
to provoke a spontaneous
explosion of laughter.
530
00:39:22,562 --> 00:39:25,671
So what you told me
can't have been a joke,
531
00:39:26,881 --> 00:39:30,269
cos I didn't laugh...at all.
532
00:39:33,907 --> 00:39:36,000
Oh, sod off, Alice!
533
00:39:36,050 --> 00:39:40,600
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