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1
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:46,460
Oh, yes. Well, you know,
I can't believe it's not butter.
2
00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:54,460
Yes, that's the idea. Yesterday
I went to Crookenden and I bought this other stuff, a home brand.
3
00:00:54,460 --> 00:01:01,300
Yes. And, you know,
I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
4
00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:03,780
Hmmm...
5
00:01:04,740 --> 00:01:10,120
I'm losing you now. Right. You know
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter...
6
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:18,000
You think it is butter? No. The
stuff I can't believe is not butter is I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
7
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,760
Probably.
8
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:26,300
Well, I can't believe
the stuff that's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter ISN'T!
9
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:29,320
I can't believe that
10
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:34,740
both the stuff that
I can't believe is not butter AND I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
11
00:01:34,740 --> 00:01:37,960
are both, in fact, not butter!
12
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:43,740
And I believe
that they both might BE butter...
13
00:01:43,740 --> 00:01:46,900
in a cunning disguise.
14
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:51,580
There's a lot more butter around
than we all thought there was.
15
00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:59,540
Yeah. I don't know what you're
talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by it all.
16
00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:04,180
One thing I do know, though.
What? This is not butter.
17
00:02:04,180 --> 00:02:09,680
Clotted cream. D'you know where
it's going? In here? No, in here!
18
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:13,700
KNOCK ON DOOR
Uh-uh.
19
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:20,640
Mmmm... Sorry, mouth's not big
enough, surprisingly. Come on in.
20
00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:30,420
God got a lot of things right.
I mean men's bottoms are lovely,
21
00:02:30,420 --> 00:02:34,380
but mouths should be scone-sized.
How can I help?
22
00:02:34,380 --> 00:02:37,780
It's our little Karl... Yeah.
23
00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:40,800
..I'm afraid he's passed away.
24
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,140
Oh, dear. I'm so sorry.
25
00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:51,440
It was rather sudden. Would you be
able to do the funeral tomorrow?
26
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:56,020
Yes, yes, of course. D'you mind
me asking how old was Karl?
27
00:02:56,020 --> 00:02:58,920
He was just three...
28
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:03,340
Oh, dear. Look, would you like
to come in? No, no.
29
00:03:03,340 --> 00:03:09,100
Thank you very much, Vicar. Right.
I'll see you tomorrow. Take care.
30
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:19,220
How could I have said that
about men's bottoms?!
31
00:03:19,220 --> 00:03:24,020
I mean, they're not lovely.
Most of them are just horrible.
32
00:03:24,020 --> 00:03:28,980
My brother's bottom looks like
Willie Whitelaw chewing toffee!
33
00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:34,860
Oh, God...
Oh, Alice, that poor woman!
34
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:41,940
Imagine burying him tomorrow. Don't
people cope with death strangely?
35
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:44,340
They do.
36
00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:50,120
When my father died,
my mother cracked open a bottle of champagne and went to Majorca.
37
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:54,100
Well, that was probably
cos she hated him.
38
00:03:56,460 --> 00:04:00,780
Dear Lord, you have seen fit
to take Karl from us.
39
00:04:00,780 --> 00:04:07,500
We commend his soul to you
and pray that you welcome him into the kingdom of heaven.
40
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:12,840
It's hard to understand why Felix
felt it necessary to eat Karl,
41
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:17,460
especially since he'd just devoured
an entire tin of Whiskas.
42
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,060
In the name of the Father
43
00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:28,300
and of the Son
and of the Holy Goose...
44
00:04:31,260 --> 00:04:33,060
Amen.
45
00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:42,500
It's mad, isn't it, Alice?
People genuinely love their animals more than they love each other.
46
00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:46,020
Animals are nicer than humans.
47
00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:49,020
Yep. Good point, Wonderland.
48
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:55,300
I remember when my budgie
Carrot first died...
49
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:58,540
I was absolutely heartbroken.
50
00:04:58,540 --> 00:05:02,740
He was the only animal
I'd not been allergic to.
51
00:05:02,740 --> 00:05:06,760
When he first died?
That's right...
52
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:11,820
cos he died and then two days later
he came back to life again.
53
00:05:11,820 --> 00:05:16,980
Ye-es. A bit like Jesus,
but with feathers.
54
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:21,620
Then he died twice the next year.
Both times, came back to life again.
55
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:24,680
Are you sure he absolutely did die?
56
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:29,020
Oh, yeah.
Fell off his perch an' everything.
57
00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:31,760
We buried him.
58
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:37,940
Just out of interest,
what did he look like when he came back to life?
59
00:05:37,940 --> 00:05:43,720
Well, he always looked a bit
different, but I mean...
60
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:48,360
what would you expect
because, after all, he had died.
61
00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:53,840
Yes...you don't think, Alice,
62
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:58,360
that perhaps your affectionate,
but technically insane mother
63
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:03,360
just bought you a new budgie each
time so you wouldn't be too sad?
64
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,020
What...?
65
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:11,840
Poor Carrot actually did die?
Yeah.
66
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,020
And little Carrot also died...
67
00:06:18,020 --> 00:06:20,000
Yeah.
68
00:06:20,740 --> 00:06:23,060
And Carrot?
69
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:28,520
Look, come on, come on...
70
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:33,060
We'll pray for all of them,
the whole bunch of Carrots.
71
00:06:36,060 --> 00:06:38,140
Hey, Alice...
72
00:06:38,980 --> 00:06:41,200
Look!
73
00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:47,300
I've had a letter from Florence
Glover... That poor woman!
74
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:55,140
That husband of hers is a monster.
The most unpleasant man that lived in the village. What's the news?
75
00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:57,020
He's dead.
76
00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:06,340
Finally, the pumpkin show
is on Saturday week. All entries should be in by Friday night.
77
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:09,020
I got you this year, Jim.
78
00:07:09,020 --> 00:07:16,160
No chance. Huh! They don't
call you No Hope Newitt for nothing! All right, children(!)
79
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,600
If there isn't any AOB,
80
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:28,960
the Addams Family is on TV
and I'd like to spend some time with normal folk.
81
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,840
Well... I'll catch it on video.
82
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:36,240
I'm planning a special service
for the animals of the village.
83
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:41,040
Ooh, Sheba and Fishcake
will be pleased.
84
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:47,080
I beg your pardon? I know
you'll all think I'm Miss PMT 1994,
85
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:52,360
but this IS a country parish
and people just adore their animals.
86
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:59,020
So why not be an ark for a morning?
Jim, you can be Noah. N--n-n-n....
87
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:04,520
Noah. That's right.
Sounds barking mad to me.
88
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:09,160
Yes, I think the vicar can do
what she wants with her own church.
89
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:13,660
Perhaps we can return to this later.
We meet again in a fortnight.
90
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:19,900
Vicar, I wonder if you could
drop by tomorrow after lunch. Little chat.
91
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:26,100
Certainly. I'd invite you for lunch,
but Hugo is cooking and his food tastes like manure.
92
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,380
Doesn't it, Hugo?
93
00:08:28,380 --> 00:08:32,660
Sorry, Father? Your food! What does
it taste like? Oh, absolute poo, I'm afraid.
94
00:08:32,660 --> 00:08:35,520
See you after lunch. Yes.
95
00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:44,300
It's cold out here. You should put
your horse in the stable, David.
96
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:50,160
Looks like it's got
a great big stalactite hanging between its legs! Afternoon, Vicar.
97
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,920
I must say, David...
Oh, cheers.
98
00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:00,200
I really appreciate your support
on this whole animal thing.
99
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:05,300
When I arrived, I thought you and I
would fight like Richard and Judy.
100
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:11,420
But now, something warm and cuddly
and a bit Mr Kipling's happening.
101
00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:14,260
Well, I'm delighted about that.
102
00:09:17,020 --> 00:09:22,440
Port? Oh, yes. Bugger the gout!
Who needs two legs?
103
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:28,460
There is one little thing
I wanted to say about this animal service.
104
00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:31,280
Excellent. All ideas welcome.
105
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:40,440
Are you seriously letting
animals into our church?
106
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:44,080
Er, yes, I am. I think it's
a great idea. People love animals.
107
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,520
People also love food mixers.
108
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:52,600
We're not pressing the Archbishop
of Canterbury for communion for the Moulinex Magicmaster(!)
109
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,400
Are you hinting that
you're not keen on it?
110
00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:01,060
Have you thought it through?
Is there to be any limit on size?
111
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:06,200
Is a hippopotamus allowed?
There aren't any hippos here...
112
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,020
Well... Apart from Mrs Stanfield!
113
00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:14,100
Do nits get a blessing?
Are fleas to be excluded?
114
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:21,720
Should we bring our free-range eggs
to have the unborn chickens blessed, before we go home to scramble them?
115
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:25,700
For a big chap, David,
you're being very childish.
116
00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:32,400
I'M being childish?!
I'm not the one who's going to bless the ickle-wickle hamster!
117
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:37,660
I mean, what if your congregation
start eating each other?
118
00:10:37,660 --> 00:10:43,360
Any animal found swallowing another
will be pretty sternly ticked off.
119
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,880
And that is before we consider
hygiene.
120
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:53,240
One of the joys of having humans
in church is that they tend to be house-trained(!)
121
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:58,000
Well, I don't deny there may be
one or two puddly accidents.
122
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:05,380
If Mrs Fothergill's parakeet gets
loose, we'll be wearing protective headgear for the rest of our lives!
123
00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:08,860
I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you.
124
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:11,780
Who will you talk to? The animals?
125
00:11:11,780 --> 00:11:18,840
Even Jesus, who had damn whacky
ideas, didn't bless animals. Donkeys, he rode. Fish, he ate...
126
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:23,020
Hello, Vicar. Great idea about
the service. Out!
127
00:11:23,020 --> 00:11:27,460
Absolutely. Saucepans to scrub.
I don't... Now...
128
00:11:27,460 --> 00:11:33,820
Just one question...
Teddy bears. Someone was asking. Will they be welcome?
129
00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:38,340
Abso-bloody-lutely, Hugo!
Yes, they will.
130
00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:44,900
Splendid. I better go. I'm expecting
a doctor friend... Perhaps you've heard of him. Doolittle(!)
131
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:48,280
Do me one favour, Vicar.
132
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:52,780
Try not to publicise this fiasco
outside our poor little village.
133
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:57,400
And do look up the word
"laughing-stock" in your dictionary.
134
00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:03,120
I'm also going to look up "lips go
unattractively thin when angry"!
135
00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:18,480
Can I speak to the Bishop's office?
136
00:12:22,660 --> 00:12:27,300
You're having animals in church?
Yes, we are.
137
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:33,240
Will gerbils take communion?
Oh, gosh! It's like Blockbusters.
138
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:38,720
You'd have to ask the vicar.
..This man's asking about the service.
139
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:46,580
Have we met? No, I'm an admirer.
I've got a bulldog myself. Nags me every week to take him to church(!)
140
00:12:46,580 --> 00:12:51,120
He's fond of the Mass in Latin.
You're taking the mickey.
141
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:58,640
No, everyone at the paper's really
excited about it. Sheep singing hymns. Brilliant idea, isn't it?
142
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,980
Can we have a picture? What...?
Oh, my God!
143
00:13:02,980 --> 00:13:06,620
KNOCK AT DOOR
144
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:12,120
Have you SEEN this?
No. What?
145
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:17,780
WHAT? What is it?
Oh, my God!
146
00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:21,240
Who is THAT?
That's Jabba The Hut!
147
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:26,680
"In the name of the Father, the Son
and the Holy Goat. Baa-men!"
148
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,040
They've written a special prayer.
149
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:34,740
"Our Father, who art in doggie
heaven, hallowed be Thy mane.
150
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:40,340
"Thy kingdom come, Thy Pedigree
Chum..." For heaven's sake!
151
00:13:40,340 --> 00:13:44,760
You're quoted as saying
gerbils WILL be given communion.
152
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:52,140
If that journalist comes near me
again, you'll see me wearing a pair of testacle-shaped earrings!
153
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:58,540
What I actually said...
The point is that you shouldn't have said anything!
154
00:13:58,540 --> 00:14:04,600
They didn't have horns and tails,
so we didn't realise they were from the tabloids!
155
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:09,420
The trouble is
that you don't realise anything.
156
00:14:09,420 --> 00:14:15,140
You're good, but you should be
running a cake stall, not a church.
157
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:20,580
And I'm afraid the time has come,
for the sake of this community,
158
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:24,600
to begin proceedings
to have you replaced.
159
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,980
What?! I'll see myself out.
160
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,300
(Oh, God!)
161
00:14:34,380 --> 00:14:41,880
Have you seen...? Yes, I have.
I haven't been so depressed since David Bowie married a stick insect.
162
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:48,000
Oh, well, that's it. We'll have to
cancel. Everybody's laughing at us.
163
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,600
No. Some people are laughing at us.
164
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:58,260
But if I'd stopped doing things
cos people were laughing, I'd have stood stock still.
165
00:14:58,260 --> 00:15:03,740
The problem is Big Chief
David Wigwamhead is on the warpath.
166
00:15:03,740 --> 00:15:08,320
I could be paddle-less up a creek
that rhymes with Britt!
167
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,500
Don't worry, I'll stick by you.
168
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:16,240
And I can be a pretty scary opponent,
as Gavin Hart discovered
169
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:20,240
when he tried to look up my pants
in the playground.
170
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,640
I stabbed him in the head
with a protractor!
171
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,560
Ooh, that's a nice one.
172
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:31,640
Are you going
to the animal service? I haven't made up my mind.
173
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:36,640
I don't like missing
Little House On The Prairie!
174
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,860
How about you, Letitia?
Oh, yes.
175
00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:48,640
The question is whether to bring
the snails for my new recipe. Oh? What recipe is that?
176
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:52,560
Bread And Butter Pudding Surprise.
177
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:59,480
Oh, I just trod in something brown
and it's not chocolate cake.
178
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:05,840
Are you going to the animal
service? I don't know. I might not be fit.
179
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:11,020
After all the drinking to celebrate
my great pumpkin victory.
180
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:18,320
Some hope! From what I hear
your pumpkins are n-n-no bigger than your balls!
181
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:25,020
Well, then, I'd better be getting
myself some larger underpants. Ooh!
182
00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:28,560
Well, n-n-not so bad, I suppose.
183
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:32,180
Well, if you'll excuse me...
184
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:41,300
Have you heard the rumour?
Mr Horton is trying to get the vicar the sack.
185
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:45,920
I don't believe it!
No! Come on in, Jim!
186
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,420
Second place isn't so bad.
187
00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:56,500
Germany came second in the war,
after all.
188
00:16:56,500 --> 00:17:00,680
Good. Then you'll enjoy
being number two.
189
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,820
Da-daa!
190
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:06,820
Well, bugger me!
191
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:11,920
It's time the vicar did something
about your language.
192
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,620
Ooh, it is a big bugger though,
isn't it?
193
00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:24,420
Have you heard the rumours? If it's
got anything to do with butter, I'm really not interested. No...
194
00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:27,980
PHONE RINGS
195
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:32,900
Hiya... Oh, hello.
How are you?
196
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:39,740
Fine... Well, I've been having
a bit of a trouble with a verruca, but the big scab fell off today.
197
00:17:39,740 --> 00:17:47,540
Yes, she's here. May I just say
you looked gorgeous in that frock you were wearing last time.
198
00:17:47,540 --> 00:17:52,300
Yeah, right, she's here.
Loads of love. A-B-Y-S-S-I-N-I-A.
199
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:55,320
Who is it? The bishop.
200
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,820
What?! The bishop.
201
00:17:57,820 --> 00:18:01,260
Bertie, hi. Gerry here. Hi.
202
00:18:01,260 --> 00:18:06,880
Sorry about that... Lobotomy, yes.
Very slow progress, sadly.
203
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:13,460
How can I help you?
David Horton's been calling you... He's a total nutter, isn't he?
204
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:17,340
One of your dearest friends,
right.
205
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:23,820
No, he does represent the feelings
of a large sector of the community. Point taken.
206
00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:28,640
Right. Well, thanks for the tip-off.
Big love to Luigi...
207
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:32,020
Oh, Ivan? Lovely!
208
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:35,860
Great... OK, then. Bye.
209
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:41,560
Did he tell you not to do
the service then? Not as such, no.
210
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:47,020
But he did say if it backfired,
I'd have to take the consequences.
211
00:18:47,020 --> 00:18:53,720
I'm sure it will be fine.
Like you were sure you'd win the Krypton Factor?
212
00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:00,700
It actually is the worst idea
in the history of the world.
213
00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:07,000
I certainly shouldn't be eating
this...
214
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:11,540
Last time I felt this bad,
I ate 562 Crunchies in one night.
215
00:19:11,540 --> 00:19:16,320
That was fine, until I washed them
down with that tin of treacle.
216
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,240
OD'd on sugar, woke up in
a disgusting position on the sofa.
217
00:19:22,580 --> 00:19:29,400
Oh, God! Sorry I'm so gloomy.
Sorry I always say "Oh, God!" when I am gloomy!
218
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:33,840
Oh, God!
Look, if it is a disaster tomorrow,
219
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:38,860
if it's the eccelesiastical
equivalent of LaToya Jackson's nose,
220
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,880
you will lend me a hand, won't you?
221
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,820
I like it here...
222
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,940
Oh, no...!
223
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:40,100
What could I have been thinking of?
I don't even like animals, particularly pets!
224
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:45,500
There's always that one last poo
that you can smell but can't find.
225
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:50,000
Until come winter,
you put your wellies on...gli-i-ch!
226
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:18,640
Let's face the total ignominy
of a church empty apart from you, me and one very religious rat.
227
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,200
What are you grinning about?
228
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:27,300
You look like Sissy Spacek
on ecstasy!
229
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:38,380
Unbelievable!
230
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:41,560
Morning, Vicar. Morning.
231
00:21:42,980 --> 00:21:50,340
So, instead of going to the service,
we'll sit here and do nothing. Correct. Brilliant(!)
232
00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:56,660
Though I may go along at the end
to take photos for the bishop. Bravo! Superb plan!
233
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,100
Oh, look! Can I see?
234
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:09,040
Look at his little face.
What's his name? Satan.
235
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:14,520
Satan...? Right, good...
Well, I hope he enjoys the sermon.
236
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,020
Rather brave of him to come at all,
really.
237
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:23,180
Although... Yes? Actually...
238
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:29,460
Actually...
Well, spit it out, boy.
239
00:22:29,460 --> 00:22:36,120
Actually, I'm not sure it IS
such a ripping plan...in fact.
240
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:41,300
I beg your pardon?
Well, it seems to me...
241
00:22:41,300 --> 00:22:47,280
that sitting here doing, if you'll
pardon my French, sod tout
242
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:52,000
is in fact
a pretty damn poor idea,
243
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:58,380
in comparison to taking Bruno
up to the church to thank God for the animals,
244
00:22:58,380 --> 00:23:03,020
upon which the economic and social
life of our village is based,
245
00:23:03,020 --> 00:23:07,420
and thanks to whom
lonely, old people aren't lonely
246
00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:14,260
and don't feel old, though
most should have been buried before the war. I mean, the Boer War!
247
00:23:15,860 --> 00:23:20,140
In fact, I suspect
it's just being proud
248
00:23:20,140 --> 00:23:24,160
and waging a rather childish war
against Mrs God.
249
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:28,260
It's not so much a good plan
as the worst plan
250
00:23:28,260 --> 00:23:35,420
since Hitler's dad said to his mum,
"Let's go upstairs, Brunhilde. I'm feeling a little saucy tonight."
251
00:23:40,780 --> 00:23:45,740
You do what you think is right then.
Right, fair enough.
252
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,380
Classic.
253
00:23:53,540 --> 00:24:00,020
Ladies, gentlemen and others,
before we go inside, I'd like you to join me in a prayer.
254
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:07,120
Dear Lord, who rode into Jerusalem
on the back of a faithful donkey,
255
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:11,540
bless all these wonderful creatures
here today.
256
00:24:11,540 --> 00:24:16,240
Give them shiny coats
and full udders and tasty milk.
257
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:22,500
And let one of them win the
Grand National next year - 200/1.
258
00:24:22,500 --> 00:24:25,040
Amen.
259
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,740
Come on, Bruno! Let's go!
That's a good boy.
260
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:46,900
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Come on, Patricia, off to church. Lazy thing!
261
00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:49,540
And don't argue!
262
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,440
CACOPHONY OF ANIMAL SOUNDS
263
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:03,320
Hi... HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL
Oh, sorry!
264
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:11,320
We'll start with our first hymn
which is, of course, the classic - All Things Bright And Beautiful.
265
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:15,940
All things bright
and beautiful
266
00:25:15,940 --> 00:25:19,220
All creatures great and small
267
00:25:19,220 --> 00:25:22,700
All things wise and wonderful
268
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:27,640
The Lord God
made them all
269
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:32,960
Each little flower that opens
270
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:37,560
Each little bird that sings
271
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:42,560
He made their glowing colours
272
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:46,300
He made their tiny wings...
273
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,080
Please be seated. Sit!
274
00:25:55,060 --> 00:25:57,840
Sit! Thank you.
275
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,560
At this point it's traditional
to pray for the Royal Family.
276
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:07,780
But today, Dear Lord, we pray
for the Royal Family's animals.
277
00:26:07,780 --> 00:26:11,600
For their corgis and horses,
278
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:16,740
and for anything that gets sat on
by the Duchess of York!
279
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,100
MUSICAL INTRODUCTION
280
00:26:23,100 --> 00:26:27,000
And they call it puppy lo-ove
281
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:32,620
Oh, I guess they'll never kno-ow
282
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:39,380
How a young heart really fee-eels
283
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,100
And why I love you so-o.
284
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:55,260
And the blessing
of God Almighty, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit
285
00:26:55,260 --> 00:26:57,980
be among you and remain with you.
286
00:26:57,980 --> 00:27:04,220
Well, that's all we've got time for.
Thank you for coming, especially you.
287
00:27:04,220 --> 00:27:06,360
Baa-aaa!
288
00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:11,820
I'd also like to thank most of you
for behaving so well.
289
00:27:11,820 --> 00:27:16,240
For holding off
from going to the loo!
290
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:19,360
And thanks to the animals
for the same!
291
00:27:33,980 --> 00:27:37,740
MOO-OOO!
Yes, and the same to you.
292
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,240
Bye.
293
00:27:41,820 --> 00:27:44,600
It's wonderful, isn't it?
294
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,820
It does make one wonder, yes.
295
00:27:50,420 --> 00:27:54,100
Right, that's everyone gone...
296
00:27:59,620 --> 00:28:05,080
Surely goodness and mercy
297
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:10,820
Shall follow me
all the days of my life
298
00:28:10,820 --> 00:28:14,680
And dwe-e-e-ell
299
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:19,340
In the hou-u-u-u-u-u-use
of the Lord
300
00:28:19,340 --> 00:28:22,420
Forever
301
00:28:22,420 --> 00:28:25,100
Forever.
302
00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:29,460
Subtitles by BBC - 1994
303
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:34,800
I haven't got any more religious
jokes, but I've got animal ones.
304
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,860
OK, then,
why did the lobster blush?
305
00:28:38,860 --> 00:28:42,900
..Why?
Because the SEAWEED.
306
00:28:42,900 --> 00:28:47,920
Because the seaweed what?
Because the SEA-WEED.
307
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:55,860
..Did what? No, no, listen.
The lobster was in the sea, right? And the sea-WEED.
308
00:28:55,860 --> 00:28:58,420
WEED! Oh-h-h!
309
00:29:00,180 --> 00:29:06,480
Oh, dear! What?
That is the rudest thing I have EVER heard.
310
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:12,220
Forever.
311
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,100
Flora is committed to making
312
00:29:48,260 --> 00:29:50,040
the nation's hearts healthier.
313
00:29:50,180 --> 00:29:51,920
That's why we're helping your kids
314
00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:54,740
learn to cook healthy food
in the classroom.
315
00:29:54,900 --> 00:29:56,880
Just collect tokens on special packs
316
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,600
and get free cooking equipment
for primary schools.
317
00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:00,880
BELL RINGS
318
00:30:01,900 --> 00:30:03,440
CHILDREN SING
319
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:47,940
School uniforms.
320
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,200
If you've done your homework
for the new term,
321
00:30:50,340 --> 00:30:51,760
you'll know that ours
322
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,160
are well-designed
for the fashion-conscious,
323
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,220
with non-iron technology
for the time-conscious,
324
00:30:57,360 --> 00:30:59,040
and they're incredibly good value...
325
00:30:59,660 --> 00:31:01,180
for the price-conscious.
326
00:31:01,300 --> 00:31:03,380
Inflation-busting prices from Tesco.
327
00:31:08,900 --> 00:31:11,820
Last one in the sea
is a great big loser!
328
00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:16,860
"William Tell Overture"
by Rossini
329
00:31:20,180 --> 00:31:21,660
YELLING
330
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:27,260
Last year,
331
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:30,740
First Choice taught more
than 7,000 kids to swim.
332
00:31:30,900 --> 00:31:32,800
We understand family holidays.
333
00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:58,620
As a hairdresser,
my clients ask me about everything,
334
00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:01,880
from boyfriends to beauty treatments.
But they all want to know
335
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:04,660
how to recreate a salon inspired
layered look at home,
336
00:32:04,660 --> 00:32:06,860
as layers can go flat
after the first wash.
337
00:32:06,860 --> 00:32:09,120
My secret? Layered hair products
338
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,040
like the new
Pantene Enhanced Layers collection
339
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,220
Shampoo, conditioner
and styling products
340
00:32:13,220 --> 00:32:17,200
Make flat dull layers
lifted and defined in one use
341
00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:21,080
Keep your layers gorgeous without me
342
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:25,400
With the new Enhanced Layers
collection from Pantene
343
00:34:39,380 --> 00:34:41,340
Your name? Diane Hallagen.
344
00:34:41,340 --> 00:34:44,380
Your occupation? Assistant
accountant. What's your subject?
345
00:34:44,380 --> 00:34:48,860
The BBC series The Vicar Of Dibley.
The Vicar Of Dibley.
346
00:34:48,860 --> 00:34:51,540
The Vicar Of Dibley.
Two minutes starting now.
347
00:34:51,540 --> 00:34:55,860
Two minutes. Are these the ones
the woman got asked? Yep.
348
00:34:55,860 --> 00:34:57,540
Dibley Parish Church is dedicated
to which saint?
349
00:34:57,540 --> 00:35:00,040
No idea. Pass.
350
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:02,960
Agnes. Barnabus? Barnabus...
or Bartholomew.
351
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:05,400
Is it Nicholas? St Barnabus.
Barnabus.
352
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:08,060
St Barnabus.
In The Christmas Lunch Incident,
353
00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:08,560
which of the parishioners gives
Geraldine the last of her lunches?
354
00:35:08,610 --> 00:35:13,160
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