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1
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Ingrate whore!
2
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Stinksome strumpet!
3
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Foul and false be thy black heart!
4
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But blood-red will be thy shroud!
5
00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:33,700
Dad, it's your line.
6
00:00:36,650 --> 00:00:37,650
Get one of the women to read it.
7
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:40,100
Neither of the women can read.
8
00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:44,650
I wouldn't if I could.
It's a common business.
9
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:45,650
Well, then, get Susanna to read it.
10
00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:47,650
Can't think why else you taught her.
11
00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:51,650
There's no point asking Sue for
help. She be of teening years
12
00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:54,650
and thus a grumpy little bitchington.
13
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:57,650
I don't why you have to write
these new plays, anyway.
14
00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:00,650
What's wrong with the old
plays? The mumming plays?
15
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:02,650
Theatre's moving on, Dad.
16
00:01:02,700 --> 00:01:05,650
There's only so many times you
can laugh at the Lord of Misrule
17
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:08,650
whacking the naughty Turk
with a jingly stick...
18
00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:12,650
while... while St George
shows the dragon his bottom.
19
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:16,650
Gets me every time, that one.
20
00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:19,650
Will is trying to do his play,
which, believe it or not,
21
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I'm actually following.
22
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:24,650
Come on, love. Queen Liz is
threatening Queen Mary in the Tower.
23
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Absolutely.
24
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Right, yes, here we go.
25
00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:29,650
Blood-red will be thy shroud!
26
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,650
And then a nobleman rushes in...
27
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:35,650
Majesty, I beseech thee, must
not a queen this murder do!
28
00:01:35,700 --> 00:01:38,650
Shouldn't that be, "A queen
must not do this murder"?
29
00:01:38,700 --> 00:01:41,650
Well, yes, it should, but I always
think a sentence sounds better
30
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:44,100
if you mix up the words a bit.
31
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,650
It's one of my best tricks.
32
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,650
Sounds really try-hard to me.
33
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:51,650
Or, put more poetically,
34
00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:54,650
to me sounds hard try really.
35
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,650
See? Much better.
36
00:01:56,700 --> 00:02:00,650
Queen Elizabeth didn't chop Mary's
head off herself, you daft worzel.
37
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,650
She were topped at Fotheringhay.
38
00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:05,650
Grandad is right about the
beheading. Queen Liz never done it.
39
00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:08,650
Yes, my love. I am aware of the facts
40
00:02:08,700 --> 00:02:11,650
but as a dramatist, I take the
view that a fat man with an axe
41
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:14,650
saying, "Close your eyes,
love," -- thwack! --
42
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:16,650
isn't quite as compelling theatre
43
00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:22,650
as frigid Liz bitch-slapping
her cutesome Caledonian cuz Mary
44
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:25,240
in a bit of queen-on-queen action.
45
00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:27,650
So creepy, Dad!
46
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:30,650
It does sound a bit creepy.
You're better than that, duck.
47
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:32,650
Look, I work in show business, girls.
48
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:35,650
Sex sells! We need bums on seats.
49
00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:39,650
Or, in this case, bum on throne...
50
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:43,650
because -- mark this -- Her
Majesty has commanded Burbage
51
00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:45,650
to produce a play for her feast
52
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on the third Sunday after Lammington Eve.
53
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,650
The Queen? That is posh.
54
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:53,650
Which is why I'm writing my history
of Gloriana and her traitorous cuz.
55
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:58,650
It doth flatter Her
Majesty most shamelessly.
56
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,650
I only came home for some peace
57
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:07,650
and quiet so that I can
finish my play and...
58
00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:10,650
Don't you dare, poor Mistress Clucky.
59
00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:14,650
Whenever you come home with the muse
upon you, we get no eggs for a week.
60
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:18,000
Her arse be going balder
faster than your bonce.
61
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:21,700
I am not going bald --
I have low eyebrows.
62
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,650
And my dumplings aren't droopy --
63
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:26,650
I've just got a very high belly button(!)
64
00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:29,650
Ooh, shut up, Mum. You're so gross.
65
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:32,650
Here's your quill on the
table, where you left it.
66
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,650
Oh, wondrous wife. Whene'er I lose
a thing, you always know its place.
67
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,650
Not so much as being wondrous, doll,
68
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:41,650
as not being a clueless,
futtocking arse-mungel.
69
00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:44,650
You're a common woman, Anne
Shakespeare, a very common woman!
70
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:48,650
Why do you want to write
about Scotch Mary, anyway?
71
00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:51,650
Yeah, Dad. Why don't you write
a play about normal people?
72
00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:53,650
Because normal people are boring.
73
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:56,650
The crowd wants plays about posh people.
74
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:59,650
They want gangs of geographically
named dukes who wander on at random
75
00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:03,650
and say, "Come, Sussex,
Oxford and Northampton!
76
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:07,650
"Let us to York, there to do
battle with Surrey, Cornwall,
77
00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:09,970
"Solihull and Basingstoke!"
78
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:14,650
People might enjoy something
a bit more realistic.
79
00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:16,650
There's plenty of drama in real life.
80
00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:19,650
If you want to write tragedy,
why not write about the plague?
81
00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:20,650
The plague?
82
00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:22,650
I can see people just flocking
83
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:25,650
to watch a drama about
crowds of the living dead
84
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:29,000
wandering around with
their flesh falling off(!)
85
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:31,040
I'd go.
86
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:38,650
Caesar, I beg you, go not
to the capital today.
87
00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:40,700
Woe! Woe!
88
00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:49,770
Come on, I can take it.
89
00:04:54,700 --> 00:05:01,650
I know. I need to dig
deeper, explore further.
90
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:03,650
Kate, drop it. You can't be an actor.
91
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,650
Why? Because I'm only
the landlady's daughter?
92
00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,650
It in't that. You just
don't sound like a girl.
93
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,650
- But I am a girl.
- Yeah, but you can't act one, love.
94
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,650
We've been through this.
95
00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:12,650
It takes a bloke.
96
00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:14,970
Women aren't clever enough.
97
00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:18,650
- Quae mihi quia ego stulta.
- You what?
98
00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:21,650
It's Latin for "such a shame
to be an ignorant woman".
99
00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:24,450
Live with it, love.
100
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,500
Can you at least give me
some performance notes?.
101
00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:28,650
All right. Well, your voice, for starters.
102
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:29,650
It's too nice.
103
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:32,650
It needs to be all raw
and squeaky, like this.
104
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:36,650
Caesar, I beg you, go not
into the capital today.
105
00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:39,650
Well, what about my physicality?
106
00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:42,650
Surely at least I move like a girl?
107
00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:44,650
Well, I suppose.
108
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:46,650
A bit. Although it'd be better with
109
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:49,650
two half-coconuts shoved down your bodice.
110
00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:50,650
Except they wouldn't fit, would they?
111
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:53,750
No room for falsies cos of your realies.
112
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,650
Such cruel irony(!)
113
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:57,650
Ah, Kate! Are you here? Splendid.
114
00:05:57,700 --> 00:05:59,650
Bottom, ale and pie.
115
00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:00,650
Good morrow'd be nice.
116
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:02,650
Oh, terrible journey.
117
00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:04,650
Some pasty-brained arse-mungel
118
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:06,650
decided to kill himself on the track.
119
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,650
Ohh.
120
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,650
I hate that.
121
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,650
So selfish. I mean, jump in a lake!
122
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,650
Eat some hemlock! Fall on your sword!
123
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:18,650
Agitate a large bear with a small stick!
124
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:23,650
Just don't throw yourself under the
bloody carriage in front of mine!
125
00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:24,650
Selfish bastible.
126
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:26,650
They didn't close the road?
127
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:28,650
Of course they closed the bloody road!
128
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,650
I mean, why, for God's sake?
129
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:31,650
Just why?
130
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:33,650
The man is dead.
131
00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:36,650
There is a large cart track running
from his crutch to his cranium.
132
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,650
Scrape him up and put him in a bag.
133
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,650
Just scrape him up and put him in a bag!
134
00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:43,650
But, oh, no. That would mean passing up
135
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:47,650
the opportunity to drive the
public insane with frustration
136
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:51,650
and, let's face it, this is
England, so that ain't gonna happen.
137
00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:52,650
So frustrating.
138
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:55,650
And to top it all, our stalled coach
139
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:56,650
had to take on passengers
140
00:06:56,700 --> 00:07:00,650
from the one under which the
selfish bastible had hurled himself.
141
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:03,650
Suddenly, I find myself squeezed
next to an oafish groundling
142
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:06,700
who spent the entire
journey stroking his porker.
143
00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,650
I suppose it passes the time.
144
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:12,650
A pig, Bottom. A pig.
145
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:16,650
He did carry home bacon
for his daughter's dowry,
146
00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:18,650
and the beast crawled with vermin.
147
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:21,650
'Twas not so much a pig that had fleas
148
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:23,840
as fleas that had a pig!
149
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,650
Whenever I crush fleas,
150
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:29,800
I always use the time
to practise my dancing.
151
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:36,700
As you know, music and dance
are key skills for actors.
152
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,040
Kate...
153
00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:45,240
Stop it now.
154
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,650
We go through this 17 times a week.
155
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:50,650
I know I've said I'd help
156
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:52,650
but you can't be an actor.
157
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:54,650
You're a girl.
158
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:57,240
Where would you put the coconuts?
159
00:07:57,700 --> 00:07:59,650
That's what I said.
160
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:00,650
So unfair!
161
00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:04,650
Morning, all! Let myself in. Kind of
go where I please. It's just easier.
162
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:07,650
Oh, Kit! No, no. Always welcome! Always.
163
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:09,650
- Good morrow, Mr Marlowe.
- Mistress Kate.
164
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:11,650
- Make yourself at home.
- Yeah, did that.
165
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,650
It's brilliant to see you, Kit.
166
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,650
You're so cool and confident.
167
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:18,650
Being your mate always makes me
feel a bit more cool and confident.
168
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:21,650
Of course it does. So, whisper
is you're writing another play.
169
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:24,650
Good work, that man. I can't
think how you find the energy.
170
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,650
Actually, I have several
on the go at present,
171
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:29,650
alongside my teen
romance. Mainly just ideas.
172
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:32,650
The Taming Of The Vole,
173
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:34,650
which I quite like.
174
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:37,650
Seventeen Gentlemen Of Verona.
175
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,970
That... That needs trimming.
176
00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:43,700
A Midsummer Night's Whimsical Old Tosh.
177
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:47,650
Still looking for the big idea there.
178
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:48,650
I've told you. Just say it's a dream.
179
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:51,650
You can get away with any old
dung-balls if you say it's a dream.
180
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:52,650
Exactly, Bottom.
181
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:55,650
And I hope my quill does
wither on Miss Clucky's arse
182
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,700
before I resort to such a lazy cop-out.
183
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,650
It's all a bit "so what?" so
far, Will. You got any more?
184
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,650
The Merchant Of Guildford?
185
00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:06,650
- Kind of works.
- Kind of doesn't.
186
00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,650
A Not Very Funny Story About Errors.
187
00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:09,650
Ouch.
188
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,650
They all need work, of course,
189
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:14,650
but I have one finished, and
I'm really pleased with it.
190
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:16,650
The Tragical History
Of Mary, Queen Of Scots.
191
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:19,650
Oh, yes, now we're
talking! I'm loving that.
192
00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:21,650
And such a strong part for a woman.
193
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,650
You mean, for a man playing a woman.
194
00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:25,650
- Women can't act, obviously.
- That's what I said.
195
00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:27,650
- Where would you put the coconuts?
- No room!
196
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,650
Please, Mr Shakespeare.
197
00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:31,650
I would work so hard.
198
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:33,650
I know I am only an ignorant woman
199
00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:36,650
but I have read Historia Gentis Scotorum
200
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:38,650
and so know something of the
Stuart queen's back story.
201
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:41,300
A clever girl's an ugly girl, Kate.
202
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:44,650
Kate, let it lie.
203
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:46,650
Women are not allowed to act.
204
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:50,650
It's so cruel to live in times
when women are denied everything!
205
00:09:55,650 --> 00:09:56,650
Birds, eh?
206
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,650
So emotional.
207
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:01,650
They're second-class
citizens. Get over it.
208
00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:04,650
Anyway, Kit, I was telling
you about my new play.
209
00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:06,650
It is to be presented to
the Master of the Revels
210
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:08,650
that it may be performed
before Her Majesty.
211
00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:10,650
Oh, yes! That'll be great!
212
00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:13,650
Except probably better if I
presented it. Just a thought.
213
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,650
Here we go, Master. Be strong.
214
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:19,800
Marlowe, I've told you, I'm not
writing you any more plays.
215
00:10:20,650 --> 00:10:21,650
Come on, Will.
216
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,650
You owe me. It's me that got your
217
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:25,650
work before the public in the first place.
218
00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:26,650
By sticking your name on it!
219
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:28,650
It was the only way. What were you?
220
00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:31,650
A country bum-snot fresh off the coach.
221
00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:32,650
Nobody took you seriously.
222
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,650
Exactly.
223
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:36,650
I was but a jobbing actor when I gave you
224
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,650
Tamburlaine and Doctor Faustus,
225
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,650
but now I want credit for my own work.
226
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:42,650
A bit selfish, Will.
227
00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:44,650
Not very attractive.
228
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:47,650
Kit, be reasonable.
Mine is a unique voice.
229
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:50,650
Well, unique-ish. I mean, all you
really do is jumble up the words.
230
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:54,650
Well, I... I admit, I do do
a fair bit of word-jumbling,
231
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:58,650
and I'm not apologising for that,
but also, I create language,
232
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,650
inventing phrases that I'm sure one day
233
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,650
will be in common usage. Look here.
234
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:05,650
Mary Stuart, who is twice damned,
235
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:08,700
- being both Scottish
and French... - Hmm.
236
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:12,650
.. she I have dubbed
237
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,650
a frog-jock.
238
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:15,900
Ooh.
239
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:18,650
Fair play. That is pretty good.
240
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,650
That's just the sort of
line I should have written.
241
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:22,650
Hmm. But you didn't.
242
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,650
Don't quibble, Will.
It makes you look small.
243
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:25,650
Come on. Give us a play.
244
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:28,650
Because of you, everyone thinks
I'm this brilliant poet guy
245
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,650
when, actually, I couldn't be
bothered to rhyme "dove" with...
246
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:32,650
See?
247
00:11:32,700 --> 00:11:34,650
Lost interest already.
248
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:35,650
Verse is just not my gig.
249
00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:38,650
But why do you care that
people think you're a poet?
250
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:40,650
Y-You're a famous roister.
251
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,650
The most popular man in the city.
252
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,700
Your name is like a cold sore.
253
00:11:46,650 --> 00:11:47,650
Pardon?
254
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:49,840
It's on everybody's lips.
255
00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:52,650
Bit rubbish, that one, Master.
256
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,650
Look, Bottom, improvisation needs
257
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:56,650
a non-critical environment to flourish.
258
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:58,650
You can't do it if you're
getting heckled by your servant.
259
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:01,650
You need to man up. Comedy's a
tough game. It's adversarial.
260
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:03,650
I just don't think it needs to be.
261
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:04,650
Come on, Will.
262
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,650
You totally know why I
need this poet thing.
263
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:08,650
It's my cover.
264
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:10,650
Oh, yes, of course. I was forgetting.
265
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:11,650
You're a secret agent.
266
00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,650
I'm one of Walsingham's men.
267
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,650
Sworn to defend the realm,
yet forever in the shadows
268
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,650
and so I play the gadsome poet
269
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:21,650
whilst on my secret work of
vital national importance.
270
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:25,650
- Hmm. - This work being the
entrapping and burning of Catholics?
271
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:28,650
- Absolutely.
- And that's vitally important, is it?
272
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,650
Well, it seems to be. Walsingham
never shuts up about it.
273
00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:33,650
As a taxpayer, I can't help wondering
274
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,650
if the state might not be better employed
275
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:37,650
expending its resources
on other important works.
276
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:40,650
Building better roads, for instance,
277
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:42,650
or some rudimentary urban plumbing.
278
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:43,650
Well, you'd think, wouldn't you?
279
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:46,650
But burning Catholics, that's
definitely the big thing.
280
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,650
Just as burning Protestants
was the big thing
281
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:52,650
of the last insane bint in a
crown who passed England's way.
282
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:55,650
Yes, weird, isn't it? But
I don't make the rules.
283
00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:56,650
I'm just in it for the expense account
284
00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:58,650
and the chance to chase foreign girls.
285
00:12:58,700 --> 00:12:59,650
Well, I'm sorry, Kit,
286
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:02,650
but you're going to have to have
exotic sex at the public's expense
287
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:04,650
without my help. I love you, cuz,
288
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,650
but I'm not giving you my frog-jock play,
289
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:08,650
and that's final.
290
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,650
Well, if you won't, you won't, I suppose.
291
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:11,650
Writing plays can't be that hard.
292
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:16,650
Maybe I'll just grab a
chicken and write one myself.
293
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:19,650
If you write a play, I...
I fear it will be like that
294
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:21,650
which stinks but be not fish,
295
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:24,650
fertilises plants but be not compost,
296
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:27,650
and is the last stage
of the digestive process
297
00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:31,100
but be not a glass of
port and a pipe of tobacco.
298
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:33,650
Pardon?
299
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:34,650
He means "crap".
300
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:37,650
You get used to him over time.
301
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:40,650
Well, we'll see. No hard feelings.
Right, I'm for the tavern.
302
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:42,700
I love you loads.
303
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,650
I hated saying no.
304
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,650
He's such a great bloke.
305
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,650
- He uses you.
- He's a mate.
306
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:53,650
- You're his bitch.
- I am not his bitch!
307
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,650
You are, but you can't see
it cos you're too nice.
308
00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:58,650
What's more, he gave up too easy.
309
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,650
He's up to something. I don't trust him.
310
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:01,650
Nonsense, Bottom.
311
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:02,650
Kit's my mate.
312
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:05,100
He would never plot against me.
313
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:08,650
It's time you stood up for yourself, Kate.
314
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:11,700
Mr Marlowe, Mr Shakespeare is my friend.
315
00:14:13,650 --> 00:14:14,650
I can't betray him.
316
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:17,370
Would you rather betray your own sex?
317
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,650
If Will's play were mine, I'd defy the law
318
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:25,370
and let you play the frog-jock queen.
319
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:29,650
- You'd really make me an actor?
- Absolutely.
320
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:32,650
Imagine it -- the curtain calls,
the lovely little suppers,
321
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:35,650
the licence to bang on endlessly
about poverty and inequality
322
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,650
whilst trousering a golden purse!
323
00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:39,650
And even more important than that,
324
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:44,650
the chance to be a strong woman
and prove that women are strong.
325
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:45,650
Absolutely.
326
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,650
Particularly women actors,
327
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:50,650
who I imagine will be
very, very strong indeed
328
00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:53,650
and believe strongly in the
fact that women are strong.
329
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:55,650
- For sure. Totally.
- I'll do it.
330
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:56,650
Good girl.
331
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,650
But where will I put the coconuts?
332
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:00,700
One problem at a time.
333
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:03,650
Well, Bottom, today's the day.
334
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:04,650
Eh?
335
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:08,650
The poet Robert Greene, who is
Master of the Queen's Revels,
336
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,650
is coming to collect my brilliant play
337
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:14,700
Frog-Jock Mary, Queen Of
Gingery Savages In Skirts.
338
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:18,650
Ah, Master Shaky-Talent.
339
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:23,050
I'm sorry. Did I say Shaky-Talent(?)
340
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:25,650
I meant, of course, Shakespeare,
341
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:29,650
although oft the tongue will
tattle what the heart would hide.
342
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:33,650
Oft indeed, you preening,
supercilious plague pustule.
343
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:34,650
Oops! You see?
344
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,650
I'm doing it now.
345
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,650
But enough of such merriment, sirrah.
346
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:45,650
The third Sunday after
Lammington Eve approaches.
347
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:48,650
You sent word that you
have written a play.
348
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:52,650
Not even a collaboration,
but all by yourself.
349
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,650
You sound surprised, Master Greene.
350
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:59,650
Well, 'tis only that all London's
poets are university men --
351
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,650
Kyd, Nashe, Beaumont, Marlowe,
352
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,650
mine own humble self,
353
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:09,650
while you, sir, are a country
bum-snot and oik of Avon,
354
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:12,700
a town-school spotty-grotty.
355
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:19,650
And so am I like the fulsome
cleavage of a buxom, saucing wench.
356
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:20,650
Meaning?
357
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:22,700
Much looked down upon.
358
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:24,650
I like that one, Master.
359
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:25,650
That works.
360
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:27,650
Woe to Albion!
361
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,650
This sceptred isle doth burst with talent
362
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:32,650
and yet a gaggle of snootish pamperloins
363
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:36,650
from just two universities snaffle
all the influence, jobs and cash.
364
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:40,650
It is as it should be and
as it ever will be, sirrah.
365
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:44,650
Ever will be, Greene? Huh! I
hardly think that, centuries hence,
366
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:47,700
a tiny clique of Oxbridge posh boys
will still be running everything.
367
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,650
Come now, the appointed day approaches.
368
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,650
I would fain have sight of your play
369
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:56,650
to ensure the Queen's
person be not offended.
370
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,650
Offended? My play's a eulogy.
371
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,650
Liz will love it.
372
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,650
If she sees it.
373
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:06,650
Christopher Marlowe, a
university man of proven genius,
374
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:08,650
has also promised a play.
375
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:11,650
Kit? He wrote a play after all?
376
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:12,650
Damn! That was quick.
377
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,650
Come now, I'm a busy man.
378
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,650
Give me your play!
379
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:18,650
Absolutely. Here it is.
380
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,650
Um... I have it,
381
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:25,650
but...
382
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,650
.. I-I thought I might drop it off later.
383
00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:28,650
Later, sirrah?
384
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:30,650
Why later, pray?
385
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,650
Just want to give it a
final polish, you know?
386
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:34,650
Dotting Is, crossing Ts.
387
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,650
At Cambridge, we tend to dot our
Is and cross our Ts as we go along.
388
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:39,650
I still have a few days.
389
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:42,650
But a few, sir. The Queen has
taken to her bed with a chill.
390
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:44,650
She wants this play to cheer her up.
391
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:47,700
- And she shall have it.
- Good day!
392
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:51,650
It's gone!
393
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:52,650
My play, it's gone!
394
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:54,650
Oh, no!
395
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:57,650
Oh, no! Woe!
396
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:59,650
We must search every inch of this room.
397
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:00,900
Bye.
398
00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:08,650
It must be here somewhere!
399
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:10,650
Well, if it is, we can't find it.
400
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:12,650
True. It is beyond our skill.
401
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,650
But there is a mystical species
that can find anything.
402
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:16,650
Wood nymphs!
403
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:18,650
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Sorry.
404
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:21,650
Wood nymphs are treacherous creatures
405
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:23,650
and would find my play
only to put it on the fire
406
00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:26,700
to warm the toes of their
sweethearts, the elves.
407
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:30,650
But there is another enchanted
species that will serve.
408
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:31,650
Who's that, then?
409
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:34,650
Why, to find it, we
have only to take a man
410
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,650
and add woe.
411
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:37,650
Know you of what creature I speak?
412
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:40,700
Uh... Someone sad?
413
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:43,650
Are sad people good at finding things?
414
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:46,650
Why, a man's woe is his wife,
415
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,650
and add "woe" to "man" and you have...?
416
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:50,650
Woe-man.
417
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,650
- Woe-man?
- Woman!
418
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,650
- Woman...
- My wife, Bottom! Mistress Anne!
419
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:55,650
She can find anything.
420
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:58,650
Honestly, Master, it'd be so much
easier if you just said "Anne".
421
00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,650
It's what I do!
422
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:05,700
Now, hie thee to the coaching
house and send word for Stratford.
423
00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:11,650
Well, I've found six old
quills, three sets of eyeglasses
424
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:14,650
and two penn'orth three
farthing down a crack.
425
00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,650
Bit of a relief, that. I
thought it were piles.
426
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:19,650
But no Papist-baiting play.
427
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,650
This is terrible.
428
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:24,650
Greene will take Marlowe's
play to the Queen in my stead.
429
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:27,650
Marlowe? You mean that bloke you've
let take credit for your plays
430
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,650
cos he's a posh boy and
makes you feel inadequate?
431
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,650
He does not make me feel inadequate.
432
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,650
I just happen to think
he's a really great guy.
433
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,650
When did you last see the play?
434
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:38,650
On the day I returned from Stratford.
435
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:40,650
Marlowe had come over to quaff
wine and have a ladsy chat.
436
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:42,650
Kate was here.
437
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:43,650
She will bear witness.
438
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:45,650
Kate, the landlady's daughter,
439
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:48,650
who's always banging
on about being a star?
440
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:49,650
By St Cuthbert's codpiece, Husband,
441
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:52,650
do you not know anything
about human nature?
442
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,650
Actually, I have a unique
and timeless insight into...
443
00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:58,650
into the very heart of
what it is to be human.
444
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:01,650
It's... It's absolutely what I do!
445
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,650
Well, you must see that
Marlowe's got your play,
446
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:05,650
pinched by false Kate.
447
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:06,650
It's bleedin' obvious.
448
00:20:06,700 --> 00:20:08,650
Kate and Marlowe?
449
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:13,650
Y-Y-You're saying they've stitched
me up like a pair of winter drawers?
450
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,650
I'd expect it of him, but I'm
very disappointed in her.
451
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:18,650
Oh, you're too nice, Will.
452
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,650
We all know that.
453
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:24,650
But now it's time to use your
unique and timeless insight
454
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:26,650
into conjuring some trick
to get the play back.
455
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:28,650
I will, Wife. I will!
456
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:30,650
- In fact, I have!
- Already?
457
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:32,650
Yes. And it's a corker.
458
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:36,650
Bottom, take this to Burbage at
the Red Lion and await me there.
459
00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:38,650
If Kate be false, this will sound her out.
460
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:41,650
The play's the crucial factor
461
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:44,700
to catch the conscience
of our girlie actor.
462
00:20:49,650 --> 00:20:50,650
Well, this is most peculiar.
463
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:52,650
All ready? We need to begin
464
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:55,650
rehearsal on Marlowe's
brilliant Mary, The Frog-Jock.
465
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:57,650
Such a wonderful part for me.
466
00:20:57,700 --> 00:21:00,650
The traitor queen --
half-French, half-Scottish.
467
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:01,650
A dialect challenge indeed.
468
00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:03,650
Bonjour, Jimmy...
469
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:05,650
.. comment-allez vous...
470
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:07,650
- .. ya dirty wee bastard?
- Yes...
471
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:11,650
But now Will Shakespeare does
insist upon our old friendship
472
00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:15,650
that we must posthaste
rehearse this fragment of his.
473
00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:18,650
You, Mr Condell, will play
Katie, a beautiful young lady.
474
00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:20,650
Typecasting, darling?!
475
00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:23,650
And I am Sir Christopher Stoop-lowe,
476
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,650
a spy and a charlatan.
477
00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:26,650
A comic role, I think.
478
00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:28,650
- Comedy?
- Yeah?
479
00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:29,650
That's right.
480
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:32,650
You do a bit of comedy,
don't you, Burbage?
481
00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:34,650
English comedy. Boring comedy.
482
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:40,650
In Italy, where I'm big,
we do proper comedy. Yeah.
483
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:43,650
You play one Shakepike. A genius.
484
00:21:43,700 --> 00:21:45,650
Ah, so no acting required, then?
485
00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:47,650
Good morrow, sirrahs.
486
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:49,650
I see you have my new pages.
487
00:21:49,700 --> 00:21:51,650
Well, you sent word you
had verse to show us.
488
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:55,650
Indeed I do, Kit. Come, friends,
be seated and let the play begin.
489
00:21:55,700 --> 00:21:57,650
Places, everybody! Places!
490
00:21:57,700 --> 00:22:01,650
Now, remember, speak the
speech as I have writ it
491
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:03,650
and don't wave your arms
about and try to be funny.
492
00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:04,650
I beg your pardon?
493
00:22:04,700 --> 00:22:07,650
And don't shout. Frankly,
if you're going to shout,
494
00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:11,650
I might as well get Mr Shouty the
town-shouter to shout my verse.
495
00:22:11,700 --> 00:22:12,650
Cheeky sod!
496
00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:16,650
And please don't do that actor thing
of adding one not-very-funny grunt
497
00:22:16,700 --> 00:22:18,650
and then going around saying you
498
00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:23,700
made up the whole thing in rehearsal.
499
00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:32,650
The Lamentable Tragedy Of The
False Maid And The Stolen Muse!
500
00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:42,650
I'm Bill Shakepike,
501
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:45,650
and writ have I my finest work, so...
502
00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:48,650
What-ho!
503
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:52,650
who doth reside with Shakepike.
504
00:22:52,700 --> 00:22:53,650
Stay cool, pretty lady, stay cool.
505
00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:55,650
Has thou writ a brilliant new play, Bill?
506
00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:58,700
Ooh, have I? Yeah, just a bit.
507
00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:01,650
Stick to the bloody script, Kempe!
508
00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:02,650
Just helping you out, mate.
509
00:23:02,700 --> 00:23:06,700
'Tis I, Sir Christopher Stoop-lowe!
510
00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:10,650
A spy and a false friend!
511
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:13,700
And I will have Shakepike's
play for my own!
512
00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:20,650
Steal the play, Katie!
513
00:23:22,700 --> 00:23:24,650
Steal the play!
514
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:25,650
I can't bear it!
515
00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:34,650
I'm sorry, Mr Shakespeare,
516
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:41,650
A girl to play a girl?
517
00:23:41,700 --> 00:23:43,650
You are a clever little
bastible, I'll give you that.
518
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:45,650
Here's your play back,
and no hard feelings, eh?
519
00:23:45,700 --> 00:23:49,650
Oh, so does this mean we
can still be mates, then?
520
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:53,650
Bloody hell, Master! Why don't
you just send him flowers?!
521
00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:55,650
- Of course we can still be
mates. You too, Kate. - Ooh!
522
00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:57,650
Although you are going
to have to toughen up
523
00:23:57,700 --> 00:23:58,650
if you want to cut it in a man's world.
524
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:00,650
Can't get teary and collapse
over a bit of overacting.
525
00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:03,650
I beg your pardon?!
526
00:24:03,700 --> 00:24:06,700
- Such an outrage.
- Actually, I was brilliant. Fact.
527
00:24:10,650 --> 00:24:11,650
I've got it.
528
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:13,650
I've got my play for the Queen's feast.
529
00:24:13,700 --> 00:24:15,650
I only pray I'm not too late.
530
00:24:15,700 --> 00:24:16,650
Play? Play?!
531
00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:19,650
You talk of plays?!
532
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:22,650
The Queen's chill has grown
worse and she is like to die.
533
00:24:22,700 --> 00:24:26,650
The kingdom is in crisis.
534
00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:28,650
and I must hasten to insert my nose
535
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:30,650
betwixt the next set of royal buttocks
536
00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:34,650
before other oily courtiers fill the gap.
537
00:24:34,700 --> 00:24:36,650
Be gone, sirrah, with your play!
538
00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:38,700
But, Master Greene...
539
00:24:39,700 --> 00:24:43,650
.. if you hope to be master
of the new monarch's revels,
540
00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:45,650
surely you'll need a play
541
00:24:45,700 --> 00:24:47,900
for the celebration feast?
542
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:51,650
Actually, that's true.
543
00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:55,650
No other courtier will
have a play so soon.
544
00:24:55,700 --> 00:25:00,700
Guards, see that Mr
Shakespeare doesn't leave!
545
00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:03,650
That were quick thinking, Master.
546
00:25:03,700 --> 00:25:05,650
Your play will be the
first of a new reign.
547
00:25:05,700 --> 00:25:08,650
Pretty posh way to kick
off your solo career.
548
00:25:08,700 --> 00:25:11,650
Yes, it really is a brilliant opportunity.
549
00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:13,650
Wonder who the next king'll be.
550
00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:15,650
Unless it's another bird.
551
00:25:15,700 --> 00:25:17,650
Oh, bloody hell, I hope
not. It's just wrong.
552
00:25:17,700 --> 00:25:20,650
No chance of that. The
succession has been settled
553
00:25:20,700 --> 00:25:22,650
since the Queen passed child-bearing age.
554
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:25,650
There survives a
great-great-grandson of Henry VII.
555
00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:27,650
James VI of Scotland.
556
00:25:27,700 --> 00:25:29,650
In fact, he'll be James I of England.
557
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:31,650
Oh. James of Scotland.
558
00:25:31,700 --> 00:25:34,650
- Master...
- Yes, Bottom?
559
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:37,650
I'm just thinking... I may
be wrong, cos I'm a groundling
560
00:25:37,700 --> 00:25:40,650
and it's all crap for us, whoever's
on t'throne, but isn't he a Stuart?
561
00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:42,650
Yeah, that's right. Son of Mary Stuart.
562
00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:46,650
Mary Stuart, who your play
slags off as a frog-jock queen
563
00:25:46,700 --> 00:25:49,300
and traitorous Catholic whore-slap.
564
00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:53,650
Oh, God. I'm on the wrong
branch of the family tree.
565
00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:54,650
A new head on the coins.
566
00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:57,650
And a new head in the waste-heads basket.
567
00:25:57,700 --> 00:25:59,440
I've got to run.
568
00:26:00,650 --> 00:26:01,650
We must burn the play!
569
00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:03,650
No fire -- it's summer.
570
00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:05,650
Then dissolve it in quicklime.
571
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:07,650
Yeah, cos obviously I've got a wheelbarrow
572
00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:09,650
full of that in me bag(!)
573
00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:12,700
I don't suppose you've got
any salt and pepper, either.
574
00:26:21,700 --> 00:26:25,650
Glorious news! The Queen is recovered!
575
00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:29,650
The doctors think her like
to live another 20 years!
576
00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:31,650
And, Master Shakespeare,
577
00:26:31,700 --> 00:26:33,650
you have more luck than you deserve,
578
00:26:33,700 --> 00:26:38,650
for the first thing the Queen
has asked for is a play.
579
00:26:40,700 --> 00:26:42,650
I... I had it
580
00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:44,650
but it's been stolen...
581
00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:45,650
by wood nymphs.
582
00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:50,650
Mr Shakespeare, Her Majesty
is promised a play,
583
00:26:50,700 --> 00:26:54,700
and you must provide one... now.
584
00:27:10,700 --> 00:27:14,650
The Lamentable Tragedy Of The
False Maid And The Stolen Muse.
585
00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:16,650
Hmm.
586
00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:17,650
Interesting title.
587
00:27:17,700 --> 00:27:19,650
Where's the play?
588
00:27:19,700 --> 00:27:20,650
Um...
589
00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:22,700
That's it.
590
00:27:23,700 --> 00:27:25,700
It's on the back.
591
00:27:32,700 --> 00:27:37,650
The Queen said my play lacked
plot, wit, grace and poetry.
592
00:27:37,700 --> 00:27:40,650
- There was one thing she liked.
- That's promising. What?
593
00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:43,650
That it was only 97 seconds long.
594
00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:46,650
I fear I've missed my chance.
595
00:27:46,700 --> 00:27:48,650
And eaten a masterpiece.
596
00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:51,650
I still can't believe that little
minx, Kate, stole your play.
597
00:27:51,700 --> 00:27:53,650
I've forgiven her.
598
00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:55,650
Kate is a sweet girl, really,
599
00:27:55,700 --> 00:27:57,650
and Marlowe is so
persuasive with the ladies.
600
00:27:57,700 --> 00:27:59,650
And the blokes.
601
00:27:59,700 --> 00:28:02,650
I hope this little incident
has cooled your bromance.
602
00:28:02,700 --> 00:28:04,650
I like Kit, Anne.
603
00:28:04,700 --> 00:28:06,650
He's cool, he's confident.
604
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,650
He's everything I'm not.
605
00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:10,650
You don't want to be like that.
606
00:28:10,700 --> 00:28:13,700
You're a fartsome
baldy-boots, doll. Own it!
607
00:28:15,700 --> 00:28:19,650
Kit Marlowe'll probably die in some
bleedin' tavern fight somewhere,
608
00:28:19,700 --> 00:28:22,650
whereas you will die in your own bed
609
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:24,650
with me, your loving wife.
610
00:28:24,700 --> 00:28:26,650
Ah, you're right, Anne.
611
00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:29,500
I'd certainly rather be dull than dead.
612
00:28:30,700 --> 00:28:32,650
Besides, you showed him, eh?
613
00:28:32,700 --> 00:28:34,650
Oh, that was such a clever idea,
614
00:28:34,700 --> 00:28:37,650
putting on a play to prick
a guilty conscience!
615
00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:40,650
Yes, it did work rather well!
616
00:28:40,700 --> 00:28:43,650
Oh... You should put that in a play.
617
00:28:43,700 --> 00:28:45,700
A play within a play?
618
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:48,700
That's not going to work!
619
00:28:48,750 --> 00:28:53,300
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