All language subtitles for Undateable s03e11 Dannys Boyz Walk Into a Bar.eng

I know it. You know it.

Even the guy with the bad haircut knows it.

America is the best country in the world!

Yeah.

What the hell are all you doing?

It's a game that I created called
"State of the Union".

Okay? I play Barack O'Biden
and I say stuff, okay?

If they agree with it and they like it,
they stand up and they clap.

If they don't like it, then they sit
there and have total bitch face.

So, uh, from now on there will be free
Jalapeno poppers.

Okay. From now on,
clothing will be optional.

And on Tuesdays, I'm going
to host Broadway karaoke here.

Oh, man that's a lot of bitch faces.

- You will never be a good President
- Whatever.

What is all this? Aren't you supposed to be

helping Brett with his citizenship test.

We are. And don't worry
guys, that's my last poster.

I am so proud of you.

You think you're ready to be an American?

I don't know. You tell me.

Yo, what's up bro, you want
to go watch some football?

Not the lame international kind.
The awesome American kind.

With concoctions!

'Murica!

Some of these questions
are actually pretty hard.

- Where does Congress meet?
- That's... coffee shops?

No, that's terrifying. The answer is Congress.

Capitol. The Capitol.
You're right, you're right.

Don't worry, along with my lucky

sweater and Burski helping me, I'm fine.

- My nan knitted me this sweater.
- Oh, your nan must hate you.

My grandma knitted me a hate sweater once.

Heh, heh. Joke's on her, though, I
had that bitch buried in it.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

_

- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!

Whooo!

- Does somebody like balloons?
- Oh!

Well, it wouldn't be a Detroit birthday
party without a stabbing.

I'm not doing my birthday this year. Okay?

- No party, no cake, no presents.
- But you love your birthday.

Every year we get you a big cake, and
watch you eat one bite every ten minutes.

And then... heh, heh, every time you walk

over you say, this is my last bite.

Until the last time you when you come over
and you go, who ate my damn cake?

But you know it was you!

I know. I don't know why I'm so bummed.

Come on. What did mom do this time?

She sent me a stupid card
saying how sad it must be that

I'm 37 and I don't have kids yet.

That doesn't sound that bad.

She started the card by saying,

something about dear Leslie and
my grand kiddies.

- What are you doing?
- I'm torturing mom by texting

her and telling her that you
have an even shorter haircut

than you got the first time...

And then we're going to
wait till she calls crying.

- Hey it's for you.
- Thank you.

Hi, Mom. Yeah, it's a flattop
and the girl I'm dating loves it

All right. My opportunity. If I
can get Leslie the perfect gift.

We've been in limbo for so long and
I could get her out of this funk.

I figure that's a good opportunity
for a first date, you know?

That's way better than your other plan.

- Go ahead, tell them.
- It's nothing crazy.

She gets in an accident, she's
in a coma for a few years.

Sure you guys give up on her
but not me, I'm there night after

night and I'm holding her hand
until she wakes up and she's

scared and confused and I'm there.

And I lean in and I
whisper, I'm your husband.

Okay, I guess, you all hope
that you know, Leslie gets hit by

a bus, but, in case she doesn't,
what is that perfect birthday gift?

Danny, help me out. You're my best bud, you
know what she'd want for her birthday.

Oh, you're 0 for 2 on that sentence.

But dude I'm not getting
involved in my sister's sex life, okay?

Burski, we've got your back. Look if,

If you want to get Leslie a
present maybe you just

get her a gift that you make
yourself like for instance, me,

This morning I wrote a song for Justin.

Babe, let me hear it.

Justin, dear, you're so sweet

Except in bed with those cold feet

I also don't love when
you're on the phone

and you call to me
in that chipper tone

you're like hey babe can you
talk to my mom for a second

and I'm like look I'm in the
bathroom right now and plus I

never met her in person and you
put me on the phone like that

makes me feel really really awkward

Will you play that for my mom?
I'm going to call her.

Justin! No! No!

Ohhh!

- Hold me.
- Uh, hey Justin, Brett�s got

something he wants to hug you about.

- What's wrong with him?
- Brett lost his good-luck sweater.

Yeah, we've been making posters.

How's this one?

Shelly, that's just a picture
of a girl with a big butt.

You said draw what we're looking for.

A sweater, huh? Huh,

is there any forensic evidence?

What?

Danny's been watching reruns
of "CSI: Miami" and now he's

obsessed with David Caruso.

Sweaters are supposed to keep you warm.
But this case, is ice cold.

Look, I know it sounds... I
know it sounds stupid, but I

feel like that sweater can get
me through anything and,

my citizenship test is tomorrow.

And I just really want to pass
it, because I guess I've always

just felt like an outsider, and
if I pass it, then I'll finally

feel like I belong.

That was so cute. You know what?

We're going to get you that sweater back.

Yeah, where's the last place
you remember seeing it?

Okay. Uhhhh, the only
place I went was the gym.

Oh. Wait but didn't you go to the

pizza place right after for
a post-gym... celebration?

Haha, hush now, Candace. I
guess we should check there, yeah,

- anyway, just in case.
- This may be the only pizza

place in town where the crust
is stuffed with, sweaters!

- That doesn't even make sense...
- Aaaarrrggghhh!

- Come on, let's go.
- All right. Go time.

Please help me figure out what
the perfect birthday gift is for Leslie.

- Yeah.
- No, hold on, please wait.

Oh, my... trust the master.
Let's go!

Birthday girl in the
house! It's your birthday!

Happy, happy, what,
what. Your birthday-day.

- So speaking of presents, what you after?
- No presents.

If it makes you feel any better,
I know what I want for my birthday.

Right here.

Please tip. My name is Relentless.

Uh, yeah, excuse me. Uh...

Mr. Lentless, uh, listen, turns
out that you found my buddy's

sweater, so he needs it back
so he can be an American.

No, dude, I'm not doing that.

Okay, well, Brett, we tried, looks
like you're going back to Britain.

Obviously you're a great dancer.
And I don't want to toot my own

horn, but "beep, beep"!
Been known to stomp a few yards.

Anyway. Do you think you can help us
out, one dancer to another?

Sorry, dude. Finders keepers.

According to the ancient laws of battle
that does make us "losers weepers".

You know what dude? All right, look.

How about this? Our crew is going
to dance battle with your crew,

tomorrow at the bar at 12 o'clock, okay?

If we win we get the sweater
back, if you win you

get to keep it and Justin�s
going to throw in $100.

Make it $500.

- Whoa! What is happening.
- Thanks Justin.

- You're on.
- Whoo!

- Are you insane?
- No, no, no, it's going to be fine.

Let's go Google "dancing"

- Where's your crew?
- Hey, what's up?

My crew is actually stretching
to avoid injury. Duh!

But game on!

Hey, crew, come on out here. Game time.

Say hello to Danny�s Boyz.

Actually, Haha, we have girls on the crew,

so I say we call our-self
"Justin�s Boys and Girls".

If uh, you could go and find a fair
judge to help us do this dance battle.

Uh, excuse me, stranger.

Yes, my son?

I was working on a sermon
on honesty and fairness.

Well, wondered if you
can't take time out of

your busy day to judge
our dance battle, huh?

Hm, no, let me pray on it.

Boss says it's okay!

All right. We'll dance.

Let's... do this.

Show us what you got! B-word.

Do I have to do anything else?

No, no, no.
You won.

I think our dance number was very classy.

How do you think that we did one to ten?

Well, if I'm going to rate
you one to ten I might as well

say you were all very, very white.

Brett, you got 20 minutes till the test.

Oh, what's the point? I'm going to fail.

And then Donald Trump is going
to become president and throw me

over his giant wall into Mexico.

Listen, man, I know you're
upset about the sweater.

But remember when you told me if a

really handsome, attractive guy
with really great hair, tenderly

touches your face you could do anything?

Well I want you to know, that
you don't need that to happen.

- You can do it all yourself.
- Look, Danny, I'm not that

easily manipulated. Okay?

But by god you are right,
sir! I can do this on my own.

Thank you, Danny. 'Murica!

That was... that was cool.
Maybe you could help me out

getting your sister a birthday gift.

I'm willing to pretty much
spend every penny I have, too.

Sorry, but unfortunately for you,
a penny saved is a penny burned!

Okay, fine.

Danny, I know that you
and I aren't... put your...

Sorry. I know that you and...

we're not the closest in this
group and that's fine.

Truth is I always figured if I actually
really needed you for something,

which I do, that you would come
through for me like a friend.

I was, I was wrong.

Barnski, wait. What's
the deal with Barnski?

Burski. Maybe he's a little pissed

because to help Brett,
you formed a dance crew.

Stop it. What is that?

It's not going to work on me, all right?

Candace get over here tell
him what I said last night.

Yeah, it's totally normal for a grown
man to cry at the end of a movie...

No, no, not, not that.

- The other thing.
- Oh yeah, it's totally normal for a

grown man to cry at the
beginning of a movie...

You know what? We're
going to cut you off, sweetie.

I love you but I'm going to take it. Okay.

Look, it's possible that Burski

could be the best thing that
could ever happen to Leslie,

if he gets a chance. You know?

Help him.

You don't deserve to be part
of this dance crew.

Your uniform, sir.

Introducing my new American friend, Brett!

Way to go, citizen.

What are you going to do first?
Get diabetes or buy a gun?

I know! I'm so excited.

Look, I know it sounds corny,
but this is the best country.

I know it's a great country.
Even though they don't nominate

any black people for an Oscar.

Hey, congrats man but I
hope you're not the only

person with a success
story today, because I

found a birthday gift for Leslie.

Oh. Oh, my gosh!

Is this a cashmere scarf?
Oh, it's so... wealthy.

Oh, look at me.
I'm so rich! Oh.

Cocktails. Caviar.

Health insurance.

That's a great gift Bursk.

- She's going to love it.
- No, Leslie is going to hate it

She is man. I mean every... Look,
her ex-husband used to get her

something expensive every time
he used to do something crappy to her.

Honestly, if you just get
her an expensive gift

it's going to remind her
of those crappy times.

Look, if you really want to get
on my sister's good side,

give her this candy necklace.

I'm just supposed to trust you on that?

I guess you got to decide on
whether or not you believe I'm your friend.

Uh, hey, Les, I know you
asked for us not to

do this, but I know
you've been a little down

and I kind of wanted to
get you a birthday gift.

- I hope you like it.
- You got me a candy necklace?

I love it!

When I was a kid and I
would get bummed out like

when my mom was being
lame or when our dog died

I used to bike down to Market
Street and I would buy one of

these because who can stay bummed out
when you can eat what you're wearing?

Thanks, Bursk.

Hey. Do you want to take me
out for a belated birthday dinner?

Yeah.

I, um, I have to stop by somewhere to pawn
off this cashmere scarf first, though.

Technically, this would
be our first date, yes?

Sure. Why not?

Hey, man, you better
not turn this into a

long moment about
friendship where you start

talking on and on, okay?

I won't.

Because after what I just saw you do I
don't think I could find the words.

- Oh say can you see
- But I will say this...

- God bless Danny Burton.
- by the dawn's early light

- God bless these United States of America.
- What so proudly we hailed

And if we get another season, god bless
the National Broadcast Company!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

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