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1
00:00:05,437 --> 00:00:08,138
Hey, did I tell you guys my
new year's resolution yet?
2
00:00:08,163 --> 00:00:11,968
Is it to keep dressing like a junior
high school orchestra teacher?
3
00:00:13,035 --> 00:00:16,093
Ha ha ha. No, Danny. It's
to make sure that other
4
00:00:16,118 --> 00:00:21,007
people's words don't hurt me
anymore, and that's not going great.
5
00:00:22,358 --> 00:00:25,812
Whoa, whoa! Easy, Miss Booze Face.
6
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,239
I thought your new year's resolution
was to not drink so much wine.
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00:00:29,748 --> 00:00:34,468
This, road you're heading
down, does it feel safe?
8
00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:39,203
Do you want some more wine, then?
9
00:00:40,283 --> 00:00:42,914
I don't know. Last year Shelly's
resolution was to get healthier,
10
00:00:43,203 --> 00:00:44,273
and he kind of crushed it.
11
00:00:44,298 --> 00:00:47,684
Oh yeah, you guys and to celebrate, he
wants to burst through a poster of his
12
00:00:47,709 --> 00:00:49,343
older self like they do on
"The Biggest Loser."
13
00:00:49,368 --> 00:00:50,835
So, everybody...
14
00:00:53,169 --> 00:00:58,578
Let's give a nice warm welcome
for 100 pounds lighter, Shelly!
15
00:01:06,922 --> 00:01:10,296
Well, I hope you guys got more posters
because I want to do that all day!
16
00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:14,710
Wow, 100 pounds. That's like
losing an entire Candace.
17
00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,765
I helped him exercise. I put
a picture of Nicki Minaj's
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00:01:17,790 --> 00:01:20,734
butt on a treadmill and watched
him chase it all year long.
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00:01:21,505 --> 00:01:23,375
He was like a dog trying to
catch a car. If he ever caught
20
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,553
that butt, I don't think he'd
know what to do with it.
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00:01:27,090 --> 00:01:28,828
Oh, yes, I would.
22
00:01:29,721 --> 00:01:33,414
Well, I'm really lucky 'cause I don't
have to work out. I'm fit anyway.
23
00:01:33,446 --> 00:01:35,679
I'm like one of those
Greek sculptures you know?
24
00:01:35,711 --> 00:01:39,210
You know, those guys that are always
feeding someone that you can't see.
25
00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:48,773
Leather pants, coming in hot!
26
00:01:49,490 --> 00:01:52,515
Come on Charlotte, I told you not to
borrow my leather pants.
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00:01:52,843 --> 00:01:54,882
Now the hips are going to be too big.
28
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,421
So is the crotch.
29
00:02:02,202 --> 00:02:04,179
Oh! Those pants are so cool.
30
00:02:04,204 --> 00:02:07,562
You're like some sexy warrior
princess except I can see your
31
00:02:07,587 --> 00:02:09,570
pierce in a terrifying place.
32
00:02:10,503 --> 00:02:13,320
That's actually a locket with a
picture of my grandma.
33
00:02:14,455 --> 00:02:15,570
Aw!
34
00:02:17,222 --> 00:02:19,953
Honey, it's not.
35
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,117
Listen, would you like it
if I wore pants like that?
36
00:02:25,142 --> 00:02:29,328
Are you kidding, if you wore pants like
that, it would make my day.
37
00:02:29,973 --> 00:02:33,759
- I'm not hot already?
- No, no, no.
38
00:02:34,307 --> 00:02:37,058
Ha ha, you didn't let me finish.
It would make my day terrible
39
00:02:37,083 --> 00:02:39,429
because I love you exactly the way you are.
40
00:02:43,916 --> 00:02:46,968
Guys, Justin totally thinks
that I should be sexier.
41
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,187
Okay. Wait, that's going to
be my new year's resolution.
42
00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:53,437
So, starting right now, I'm going to
be like, bam! Crazy sexy!
43
00:02:55,202 --> 00:02:58,453
Yeah, you go ahead and start
whenever you're ready.
44
00:03:02,195 --> 00:03:05,375
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
45
00:03:05,399 --> 00:03:08,523
_
46
00:04:24,837 --> 00:04:26,906
I mean being sexy is easy, Candace.
47
00:04:26,931 --> 00:04:29,000
You must have a sexy walk or something.
48
00:04:29,172 --> 00:04:31,687
I don't know. You tell me.
49
00:04:35,969 --> 00:04:39,156
No. No, you do not.
50
00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:42,820
Hey, Candace, as luck would have
it, I'm right here, okay?
51
00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:47,718
And I can make even the most mundane,
boring thing sexy as heck, okay?
52
00:04:47,743 --> 00:04:50,554
Take texting, for example.
53
00:04:52,319 --> 00:04:54,796
And also eating a pretzel.
54
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,250
Oopsy Daisy.
55
00:04:59,449 --> 00:05:02,414
And you know what? Don't
get me started, when it
56
00:05:02,439 --> 00:05:05,601
comes to the bedroom, huh? No, no, no.
57
00:05:06,251 --> 00:05:09,867
Do not get me started, right? No, no, no.
58
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:11,796
No, no, no. I am hankie panky.
59
00:05:11,821 --> 00:05:13,821
I am hankie panky. Anyway...
60
00:05:15,112 --> 00:05:19,804
If I asked you to honestly rate me
sexually in the bedroom,
61
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:24,632
- what would you say?
- Danny, I really... I don't
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00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:26,890
want to do this right now.
63
00:05:28,546 --> 00:05:31,951
Come on. Come on. Look, if
I asked you to rate me sexually.
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00:05:31,976 --> 00:05:36,382
You know what? Rate me on a
scale from Justin to Danny. Okay?
65
00:05:37,368 --> 00:05:39,763
Danny, obviously being the best.
66
00:05:39,788 --> 00:05:43,505
And Justin being too ugly
to even make the scale.
67
00:05:44,582 --> 00:05:46,615
Come on. 1 to 10.
68
00:05:47,098 --> 00:05:50,326
Uh... Six?
69
00:05:53,794 --> 00:05:57,826
Someone call Anthony Bourdain
because this is delicious.
70
00:06:02,976 --> 00:06:06,904
So um, I'm a six?
71
00:06:08,052 --> 00:06:09,255
Look at it this way, Danny.
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00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,560
Together combined, we're a total of seven.
73
00:06:12,818 --> 00:06:15,904
Look, I mean our sex
life is good, you know.
74
00:06:15,929 --> 00:06:18,919
I'm sure every girl loves the
danger of doing it on the floor
75
00:06:18,944 --> 00:06:22,349
of your roommate's bedroom
while he sleeps just inches away.
76
00:06:23,346 --> 00:06:25,458
What? I thought that was a dream.
77
00:06:27,496 --> 00:06:31,150
Look, Danny. You're good at
like wild, like crazy sex.
78
00:06:31,175 --> 00:06:35,357
You're just not good at making
love or stand-up comedy.
79
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:39,466
We'll work on it.
80
00:06:39,491 --> 00:06:42,763
Yeah. No, that's all good.
81
00:06:42,788 --> 00:06:45,427
It's super cool. I'm just going to...
82
00:06:45,869 --> 00:06:51,036
I'm going to head out. I got to go to my...
got to go to my special place, you know?
83
00:06:52,575 --> 00:06:53,740
Where is he going?
84
00:06:54,095 --> 00:06:57,076
Oh, well, when Danny is this
upset, he likes to go to the
85
00:06:57,101 --> 00:07:00,021
movies and make other people
feel as miserable as he does.
86
00:07:01,533 --> 00:07:05,576
So you guys excited to see
the new "Star Wars" movie?
87
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:09,771
Han Solo dies!
88
00:07:12,046 --> 00:07:15,899
You guys are dorks! You're dorks!
89
00:07:15,924 --> 00:07:19,341
[Indistinct]
90
00:07:25,928 --> 00:07:29,279
I can't believe that she said
I was a six. All right?
91
00:07:29,304 --> 00:07:31,880
You know what, seriously, these
hips, they never slow down.
92
00:07:31,905 --> 00:07:36,294
I mean sometimes they even wake
up in the morning before I do.
93
00:07:41,364 --> 00:07:46,732
Hey, come on. Hips, it's too early.
Go watch cartoons or something.
94
00:07:50,443 --> 00:07:53,130
All right, all right. I'm up, I'm up.
95
00:07:53,929 --> 00:07:56,411
This is the worst day of my life.
96
00:08:02,896 --> 00:08:05,185
Stop feeling sorry for yourself!
97
00:08:06,459 --> 00:08:08,661
Shelly, how many times
are you going to do that?
98
00:08:08,765 --> 00:08:10,740
Till I run out of posters.
99
00:08:11,615 --> 00:08:14,091
Listen, Charlotte didn't say
you weren't good at sex.
100
00:08:14,116 --> 00:08:15,747
She said you didn't know how to make love.
101
00:08:15,889 --> 00:08:17,349
What's the difference?
102
00:08:18,187 --> 00:08:20,740
Danny, making love is beautiful.
103
00:08:20,765 --> 00:08:22,919
It's poetry. It's Shakespeare.
104
00:08:22,944 --> 00:08:27,044
- No, no, don't do Shakespeare.
- Love is a smoke, grazed with
105
00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:32,552
a fume of sighs, being purged,
a fire dancing in lover' eyes.
106
00:08:32,576 --> 00:08:35,669
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
107
00:08:35,694 --> 00:08:39,725
a choking gall and a preserving sweet.
108
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,751
But there's poems for sex as well.
109
00:08:49,721 --> 00:08:52,240
So that's more like:
"yo, what's up, let's get nude."
110
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,068
Wham, Bam, thank you, dude.
111
00:08:58,774 --> 00:09:02,404
I think love is more than
just smashing genitals.
112
00:09:03,115 --> 00:09:05,247
It's smashing hearts too.
113
00:09:06,037 --> 00:09:08,357
Charlotte just wants some intimacy.
114
00:09:08,536 --> 00:09:11,544
Oh... What is int-i-macy?
115
00:09:12,764 --> 00:09:14,466
Okay. Please don't do that thing where
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00:09:14,491 --> 00:09:16,966
you act like you've never heard of a
word just because you're uncomfortable
117
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:20,286
Is int-i-macy when somebody
118
00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:23,646
gives you their wi-fi password?
119
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:30,859
We all know that you got it
going on in the boudoir.
120
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,407
Stop it!
121
00:09:33,307 --> 00:09:36,271
But, Charlotte, you need to connect
with her on a deeper level.
122
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,685
You know, with Candace,
sometimes before we
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00:09:38,710 --> 00:09:43,090
make love, I make love with her
before I even take our clothes off.
124
00:09:43,755 --> 00:09:45,990
Here, I'll show you.
You be Candace.
125
00:09:46,983 --> 00:09:48,802
Yeah, I don't... I don't
want to be Candace.
126
00:09:48,827 --> 00:09:51,247
Shh, shh, shh.
127
00:09:53,783 --> 00:09:58,872
Okay, Candace. Now look into my eyes.
128
00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:10,107
Look how much I care about you.
129
00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:15,060
How much I need you.
130
00:10:19,927 --> 00:10:23,544
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell was that?
131
00:10:25,226 --> 00:10:29,802
I believe that was an emotional orgasm.
132
00:10:31,102 --> 00:10:35,326
Okay. Well, I'm going to
go light myself on fire....
133
00:10:36,466 --> 00:10:40,013
Look, Danny, I've never made love either.
134
00:10:40,178 --> 00:10:43,294
Okay? But you've got this chance with
Charlotte, so don't blow it.
135
00:10:44,724 --> 00:10:47,044
Even if I wanted to be int-i-macy,
136
00:10:50,727 --> 00:10:52,833
I wouldn't even know where to start.
137
00:10:53,099 --> 00:10:56,597
Just start slow. Next time you're
watching TV, try cuddling.
138
00:10:56,622 --> 00:10:58,997
Just pretend
you're a koala hugging a tree.
139
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:05,169
All right. Got it. Hug her like a koala.
140
00:11:06,630 --> 00:11:08,630
Yeah, I hate cuddling.
141
00:11:08,692 --> 00:11:12,302
Are you kidding me? I live for cuddling.
142
00:11:12,622 --> 00:11:16,819
- Cuddling is the best part.
- Seriously?
143
00:11:17,627 --> 00:11:19,099
No. I'm just trying to make a point.
144
00:11:19,124 --> 00:11:21,779
The best part is making that ass clap.
145
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,709
Well, I guess I just have to accept
that I'm never going to be sexy.
146
00:11:33,611 --> 00:11:37,113
I really wish Shelly was here
to give me a hug right now.
147
00:11:37,138 --> 00:11:40,076
You never know. He could be back there.
148
00:11:40,108 --> 00:11:43,865
Hey, Shelly, there are professional
wrestlers and marijuana out here.
149
00:11:48,864 --> 00:11:50,591
Nope, not here.
150
00:11:51,382 --> 00:11:54,247
Candace, we can totally help you be sexy.
151
00:11:54,272 --> 00:11:56,333
Okay? Like the way that Danny likes me
152
00:11:56,358 --> 00:11:58,880
to be sexy is I'll laugh at his
jokes or wear a cute shirt, or
153
00:11:58,905 --> 00:12:01,615
- I'll show him close-ups of my junk.
- Whoa!
154
00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:22,818
- Nudies?
- Yes.
155
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:23,880
Yeah...
156
00:12:23,905 --> 00:12:26,036
Why haven't I thought about that before?
157
00:12:27,577 --> 00:12:29,982
Oh, wait, because I don't hate myself.
158
00:12:31,204 --> 00:12:32,826
Do you have any special talents?
159
00:12:32,851 --> 00:12:34,802
For example, I'm very good at acronyms.
160
00:12:34,827 --> 00:12:36,951
It's when you take the first
letter of every word in a
161
00:12:36,983 --> 00:12:38,255
sentence. I can do that fast.
162
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,781
I'm sure some women find that sexy.
163
00:12:40,530 --> 00:12:42,356
What the hell are you talking about?
164
00:12:42,381 --> 00:12:46,786
- W-T-H-A-Y-T-A.
- I'm sorry.
165
00:12:46,818 --> 00:12:53,357
- No one on earth finds that sexy.
- I-S-N-O-E-F... that sexy.
166
00:12:54,677 --> 00:12:58,919
Okay. Let me show you this.
Well, arch your back.
167
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,255
Squeeze your boobs together with your arms.
168
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,568
Then sit like you're sitting on a bar
stool that's just a little bit too high
169
00:13:06,639 --> 00:13:10,130
And then pout like a sexy duck.
170
00:13:21,986 --> 00:13:24,169
Do you have any suggestions?
171
00:13:25,127 --> 00:13:27,974
Candace, it should make you
feel sexy that a great guy is
172
00:13:27,999 --> 00:13:31,185
crazy about you. That's
how it makes me feel, and
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00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:33,794
no I don't want to talk about it right now.
174
00:13:33,968 --> 00:13:38,638
N-I-D-W-T-A-I... Come on, you know...?
175
00:13:40,239 --> 00:13:43,801
Just be confident and do
something unexpected, okay?
176
00:13:43,826 --> 00:13:46,919
Say "surprise" and grab him,
and kiss him really hard.
177
00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:49,193
I don't know if I could do that.
178
00:13:49,218 --> 00:13:51,638
You can. Here, demonstrate on me.
179
00:13:58,512 --> 00:14:00,637
Oh my god. Is this
really going to happen?
180
00:14:00,662 --> 00:14:02,935
The ratings are going
to go through the roof.
181
00:14:05,326 --> 00:14:06,185
Oh!
182
00:14:07,351 --> 00:14:09,193
Surprise.
183
00:14:28,943 --> 00:14:31,747
I'm going to need a little
more wine before we do this.
184
00:14:33,755 --> 00:14:35,380
***
185
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:54,654
Eh, you like this so much?
186
00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:57,975
I mean it's not my favorite thing but...
187
00:14:58,153 --> 00:15:00,568
Come on, I'm
being int-i-macy.
188
00:15:01,437 --> 00:15:04,497
I'm hugging you like a koala bear.
189
00:15:05,242 --> 00:15:11,232
Okay. If you want to be
intimate, I am so in. Hold me.
190
00:15:13,257 --> 00:15:16,247
Yeah, you know what? This is not for me.
191
00:15:16,386 --> 00:15:19,161
Okay? What is it about girls that they
just want to change who you are, you know?
192
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:23,966
They'll be like, oh, are you really good
at spontaneous wild sex? You are?
193
00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:30,974
Well, you know what, stop being like
that and instead be a stupid koala bear.
194
00:15:32,537 --> 00:15:36,544
I'm sorry. I don't think this
int-i-macy thing is for me.
195
00:15:37,154 --> 00:15:38,177
People can't change.
196
00:15:38,202 --> 00:15:39,982
People totally change for
each other all the time.
197
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:45,240
Look, Candace is out being sexy for Justin
right now, and I'm sure it's going great.
198
00:15:47,373 --> 00:15:48,661
Here's your coffee.
199
00:15:49,333 --> 00:15:53,849
- Why are you looking at me weird?
- Surprise!
200
00:15:55,023 --> 00:15:58,122
Oh! Are you okay?
201
00:15:58,163 --> 00:16:01,443
Are you okay? You knocked out my toof.
202
00:16:01,468 --> 00:16:03,685
What? I was trying to be sexy.
203
00:16:22,610 --> 00:16:26,401
Aaargh! I'm so mad that there's
nothing else I can spoil anymore.
204
00:16:26,426 --> 00:16:27,409
Thank God.
205
00:16:27,441 --> 00:16:31,065
You know what? At the end of "Making
a Murderer," Steve Avery is guilty!
206
00:16:37,401 --> 00:16:41,386
You telling me they put a
white man in jail? Now, that is a twist.
207
00:16:46,346 --> 00:16:48,917
I can't believe I knocked out your tooth.
208
00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:52,886
Candathe, ith okay. It doesn't
even hurt. It's a cap.
209
00:16:54,735 --> 00:16:56,573
I'm so embarrassed.
210
00:16:56,606 --> 00:16:58,761
- Oh, my God.
- Don't be Candathe.
211
00:16:58,786 --> 00:17:04,370
No, don't call me Candace.
Call me something else.
212
00:17:04,395 --> 00:17:05,995
Thweetie.
213
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:14,580
Excuse me, seriously? Are you laughing
because this is all your fault.
214
00:17:14,605 --> 00:17:18,276
I should have known not to take
sexy advice from the old maid.
215
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,104
I will eat your ass for breakfast!
216
00:17:24,542 --> 00:17:26,823
That came out wrong.
217
00:17:27,366 --> 00:17:29,487
You know what, you got me so mad.
218
00:17:29,512 --> 00:17:32,878
You tricked me into being int-i-macy.
219
00:17:33,456 --> 00:17:37,815
Dude, now I'm all insecure and
nervous, and I can't handle it.
220
00:17:37,954 --> 00:17:40,042
That's how I feel all the time.
221
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:43,206
That's intimacy.
222
00:17:43,969 --> 00:17:48,206
Okay. If you say one more word,
this is going in your face.
223
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,332
Okay. You feel that passion?
224
00:17:53,357 --> 00:17:56,081
You feel that? If we
were to have sex right now
225
00:17:56,106 --> 00:18:00,120
for the firth time, you'd be making love.
226
00:18:05,057 --> 00:18:06,331
Okay.
227
00:18:06,356 --> 00:18:08,714
- That's for calling me old.
- Aarrgh!
228
00:18:10,275 --> 00:18:13,057
This is for showing me
pictures of your woo-woo!
229
00:18:15,530 --> 00:18:18,643
And this is ruining "Making a Murderer"!
230
00:18:20,018 --> 00:18:21,472
Drink fight!
231
00:18:46,831 --> 00:18:49,003
W-S-A-B-A-O-O.
232
00:18:50,166 --> 00:18:52,893
We should all be ashamed of ourselves.
233
00:18:59,035 --> 00:19:01,026
He's right.
234
00:19:01,545 --> 00:19:03,706
Okay. This is my fault.
235
00:19:03,738 --> 00:19:06,619
I got upset, and I freaked out Charlotte.
236
00:19:06,923 --> 00:19:09,714
I'm really sorry that I
said those things to you.
237
00:19:09,739 --> 00:19:12,651
Your woo-woo is beautiful.
238
00:19:13,372 --> 00:19:17,557
And, Justin, I just wanted
to be sexy for you.
239
00:19:18,169 --> 00:19:22,573
What? Are you kidding me?
You're the sexiest girl alive.
240
00:19:26,861 --> 00:19:29,370
Danny, you need to be more like Candace.
241
00:19:29,395 --> 00:19:31,729
You should call vaginas "woo-woos"?
242
00:19:33,164 --> 00:19:35,222
No. She never gives up.
243
00:19:35,247 --> 00:19:37,417
That's the difference between
good couples and bad couples.
244
00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:39,745
- Good couples keep trying.
- That's right.
245
00:19:39,770 --> 00:19:44,432
And I'm going to keep trying.
Next up, sexy lip bite.
246
00:19:51,729 --> 00:19:55,964
Look, Charlotte, here, come here.
I remember once you said that
247
00:19:55,989 --> 00:20:00,268
your favorite scene from any
romantic movie is "The Notebook",
248
00:20:00,293 --> 00:20:04,761
when Ryan Gosling kisses that
big forehead girl in the rain.
249
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:08,900
I just, uh, mh-hm...
250
00:20:08,925 --> 00:20:11,886
Hey, Brett, you got any rain for us?
251
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,940
I can give you a little bit of Sprite.
252
00:20:24,034 --> 00:20:25,979
Come here.
253
00:20:27,962 --> 00:20:34,338
Okay, listen, I know that I can be
annoying sometimes but uh...
254
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:35,753
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
255
00:20:35,778 --> 00:20:40,440
But I just want to tell you I
really, really like dating you.
256
00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:50,151
And that's how you make love.
257
00:20:55,636 --> 00:21:01,761
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
258
00:21:01,811 --> 00:21:06,361
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