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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,437 --> 00:00:08,138 Hey, did I tell you guys my new year's resolution yet? 2 00:00:08,163 --> 00:00:11,968 Is it to keep dressing like a junior high school orchestra teacher? 3 00:00:13,035 --> 00:00:16,093 Ha ha ha. No, Danny. It's to make sure that other 4 00:00:16,118 --> 00:00:21,007 people's words don't hurt me anymore, and that's not going great. 5 00:00:22,358 --> 00:00:25,812 Whoa, whoa! Easy, Miss Booze Face. 6 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,239 I thought your new year's resolution was to not drink so much wine. 7 00:00:29,748 --> 00:00:34,468 This, road you're heading down, does it feel safe? 8 00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:39,203 Do you want some more wine, then? 9 00:00:40,283 --> 00:00:42,914 I don't know. Last year Shelly's resolution was to get healthier, 10 00:00:43,203 --> 00:00:44,273 and he kind of crushed it. 11 00:00:44,298 --> 00:00:47,684 Oh yeah, you guys and to celebrate, he wants to burst through a poster of his 12 00:00:47,709 --> 00:00:49,343 older self like they do on "The Biggest Loser." 13 00:00:49,368 --> 00:00:50,835 So, everybody... 14 00:00:53,169 --> 00:00:58,578 Let's give a nice warm welcome for 100 pounds lighter, Shelly! 15 00:01:06,922 --> 00:01:10,296 Well, I hope you guys got more posters because I want to do that all day! 16 00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:14,710 Wow, 100 pounds. That's like losing an entire Candace. 17 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,765 I helped him exercise. I put a picture of Nicki Minaj's 18 00:01:17,790 --> 00:01:20,734 butt on a treadmill and watched him chase it all year long. 19 00:01:21,505 --> 00:01:23,375 He was like a dog trying to catch a car. If he ever caught 20 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,553 that butt, I don't think he'd know what to do with it. 21 00:01:27,090 --> 00:01:28,828 Oh, yes, I would. 22 00:01:29,721 --> 00:01:33,414 Well, I'm really lucky 'cause I don't have to work out. I'm fit anyway. 23 00:01:33,446 --> 00:01:35,679 I'm like one of those Greek sculptures you know? 24 00:01:35,711 --> 00:01:39,210 You know, those guys that are always feeding someone that you can't see. 25 00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:48,773 Leather pants, coming in hot! 26 00:01:49,490 --> 00:01:52,515 Come on Charlotte, I told you not to borrow my leather pants. 27 00:01:52,843 --> 00:01:54,882 Now the hips are going to be too big. 28 00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,421 So is the crotch. 29 00:02:02,202 --> 00:02:04,179 Oh! Those pants are so cool. 30 00:02:04,204 --> 00:02:07,562 You're like some sexy warrior princess except I can see your 31 00:02:07,587 --> 00:02:09,570 pierce in a terrifying place. 32 00:02:10,503 --> 00:02:13,320 That's actually a locket with a picture of my grandma. 33 00:02:14,455 --> 00:02:15,570 Aw! 34 00:02:17,222 --> 00:02:19,953 Honey, it's not. 35 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,117 Listen, would you like it if I wore pants like that? 36 00:02:25,142 --> 00:02:29,328 Are you kidding, if you wore pants like that, it would make my day. 37 00:02:29,973 --> 00:02:33,759 - I'm not hot already? - No, no, no. 38 00:02:34,307 --> 00:02:37,058 Ha ha, you didn't let me finish. It would make my day terrible 39 00:02:37,083 --> 00:02:39,429 because I love you exactly the way you are. 40 00:02:43,916 --> 00:02:46,968 Guys, Justin totally thinks that I should be sexier. 41 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,187 Okay. Wait, that's going to be my new year's resolution. 42 00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:53,437 So, starting right now, I'm going to be like, bam! Crazy sexy! 43 00:02:55,202 --> 00:02:58,453 Yeah, you go ahead and start whenever you're ready. 44 00:03:02,195 --> 00:03:05,375 -- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com -- 45 00:03:05,399 --> 00:03:08,523 _ 46 00:04:24,837 --> 00:04:26,906 I mean being sexy is easy, Candace. 47 00:04:26,931 --> 00:04:29,000 You must have a sexy walk or something. 48 00:04:29,172 --> 00:04:31,687 I don't know. You tell me. 49 00:04:35,969 --> 00:04:39,156 No. No, you do not. 50 00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:42,820 Hey, Candace, as luck would have it, I'm right here, okay? 51 00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:47,718 And I can make even the most mundane, boring thing sexy as heck, okay? 52 00:04:47,743 --> 00:04:50,554 Take texting, for example. 53 00:04:52,319 --> 00:04:54,796 And also eating a pretzel. 54 00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,250 Oopsy Daisy. 55 00:04:59,449 --> 00:05:02,414 And you know what? Don't get me started, when it 56 00:05:02,439 --> 00:05:05,601 comes to the bedroom, huh? No, no, no. 57 00:05:06,251 --> 00:05:09,867 Do not get me started, right? No, no, no. 58 00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:11,796 No, no, no. I am hankie panky. 59 00:05:11,821 --> 00:05:13,821 I am hankie panky. Anyway... 60 00:05:15,112 --> 00:05:19,804 If I asked you to honestly rate me sexually in the bedroom, 61 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:24,632 - what would you say? - Danny, I really... I don't 62 00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:26,890 want to do this right now. 63 00:05:28,546 --> 00:05:31,951 Come on. Come on. Look, if I asked you to rate me sexually. 64 00:05:31,976 --> 00:05:36,382 You know what? Rate me on a scale from Justin to Danny. Okay? 65 00:05:37,368 --> 00:05:39,763 Danny, obviously being the best. 66 00:05:39,788 --> 00:05:43,505 And Justin being too ugly to even make the scale. 67 00:05:44,582 --> 00:05:46,615 Come on. 1 to 10. 68 00:05:47,098 --> 00:05:50,326 Uh... Six? 69 00:05:53,794 --> 00:05:57,826 Someone call Anthony Bourdain because this is delicious. 70 00:06:02,976 --> 00:06:06,904 So um, I'm a six? 71 00:06:08,052 --> 00:06:09,255 Look at it this way, Danny. 72 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,560 Together combined, we're a total of seven. 73 00:06:12,818 --> 00:06:15,904 Look, I mean our sex life is good, you know. 74 00:06:15,929 --> 00:06:18,919 I'm sure every girl loves the danger of doing it on the floor 75 00:06:18,944 --> 00:06:22,349 of your roommate's bedroom while he sleeps just inches away. 76 00:06:23,346 --> 00:06:25,458 What? I thought that was a dream. 77 00:06:27,496 --> 00:06:31,150 Look, Danny. You're good at like wild, like crazy sex. 78 00:06:31,175 --> 00:06:35,357 You're just not good at making love or stand-up comedy. 79 00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:39,466 We'll work on it. 80 00:06:39,491 --> 00:06:42,763 Yeah. No, that's all good. 81 00:06:42,788 --> 00:06:45,427 It's super cool. I'm just going to... 82 00:06:45,869 --> 00:06:51,036 I'm going to head out. I got to go to my... got to go to my special place, you know? 83 00:06:52,575 --> 00:06:53,740 Where is he going? 84 00:06:54,095 --> 00:06:57,076 Oh, well, when Danny is this upset, he likes to go to the 85 00:06:57,101 --> 00:07:00,021 movies and make other people feel as miserable as he does. 86 00:07:01,533 --> 00:07:05,576 So you guys excited to see the new "Star Wars" movie? 87 00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:09,771 Han Solo dies! 88 00:07:12,046 --> 00:07:15,899 You guys are dorks! You're dorks! 89 00:07:15,924 --> 00:07:19,341 [Indistinct] 90 00:07:25,928 --> 00:07:29,279 I can't believe that she said I was a six. All right? 91 00:07:29,304 --> 00:07:31,880 You know what, seriously, these hips, they never slow down. 92 00:07:31,905 --> 00:07:36,294 I mean sometimes they even wake up in the morning before I do. 93 00:07:41,364 --> 00:07:46,732 Hey, come on. Hips, it's too early. Go watch cartoons or something. 94 00:07:50,443 --> 00:07:53,130 All right, all right. I'm up, I'm up. 95 00:07:53,929 --> 00:07:56,411 This is the worst day of my life. 96 00:08:02,896 --> 00:08:05,185 Stop feeling sorry for yourself! 97 00:08:06,459 --> 00:08:08,661 Shelly, how many times are you going to do that? 98 00:08:08,765 --> 00:08:10,740 Till I run out of posters. 99 00:08:11,615 --> 00:08:14,091 Listen, Charlotte didn't say you weren't good at sex. 100 00:08:14,116 --> 00:08:15,747 She said you didn't know how to make love. 101 00:08:15,889 --> 00:08:17,349 What's the difference? 102 00:08:18,187 --> 00:08:20,740 Danny, making love is beautiful. 103 00:08:20,765 --> 00:08:22,919 It's poetry. It's Shakespeare. 104 00:08:22,944 --> 00:08:27,044 - No, no, don't do Shakespeare. - Love is a smoke, grazed with 105 00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:32,552 a fume of sighs, being purged, a fire dancing in lover' eyes. 106 00:08:32,576 --> 00:08:35,669 What is it else? A madness most discreet, 107 00:08:35,694 --> 00:08:39,725 a choking gall and a preserving sweet. 108 00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,751 But there's poems for sex as well. 109 00:08:49,721 --> 00:08:52,240 So that's more like: "yo, what's up, let's get nude." 110 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,068 Wham, Bam, thank you, dude. 111 00:08:58,774 --> 00:09:02,404 I think love is more than just smashing genitals. 112 00:09:03,115 --> 00:09:05,247 It's smashing hearts too. 113 00:09:06,037 --> 00:09:08,357 Charlotte just wants some intimacy. 114 00:09:08,536 --> 00:09:11,544 Oh... What is int-i-macy? 115 00:09:12,764 --> 00:09:14,466 Okay. Please don't do that thing where 116 00:09:14,491 --> 00:09:16,966 you act like you've never heard of a word just because you're uncomfortable 117 00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:20,286 Is int-i-macy when somebody 118 00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:23,646 gives you their wi-fi password? 119 00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:30,859 We all know that you got it going on in the boudoir. 120 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,407 Stop it! 121 00:09:33,307 --> 00:09:36,271 But, Charlotte, you need to connect with her on a deeper level. 122 00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,685 You know, with Candace, sometimes before we 123 00:09:38,710 --> 00:09:43,090 make love, I make love with her before I even take our clothes off. 124 00:09:43,755 --> 00:09:45,990 Here, I'll show you. You be Candace. 125 00:09:46,983 --> 00:09:48,802 Yeah, I don't... I don't want to be Candace. 126 00:09:48,827 --> 00:09:51,247 Shh, shh, shh. 127 00:09:53,783 --> 00:09:58,872 Okay, Candace. Now look into my eyes. 128 00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:10,107 Look how much I care about you. 129 00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:15,060 How much I need you. 130 00:10:19,927 --> 00:10:23,544 Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell was that? 131 00:10:25,226 --> 00:10:29,802 I believe that was an emotional orgasm. 132 00:10:31,102 --> 00:10:35,326 Okay. Well, I'm going to go light myself on fire.... 133 00:10:36,466 --> 00:10:40,013 Look, Danny, I've never made love either. 134 00:10:40,178 --> 00:10:43,294 Okay? But you've got this chance with Charlotte, so don't blow it. 135 00:10:44,724 --> 00:10:47,044 Even if I wanted to be int-i-macy, 136 00:10:50,727 --> 00:10:52,833 I wouldn't even know where to start. 137 00:10:53,099 --> 00:10:56,597 Just start slow. Next time you're watching TV, try cuddling. 138 00:10:56,622 --> 00:10:58,997 Just pretend you're a koala hugging a tree. 139 00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:05,169 All right. Got it. Hug her like a koala. 140 00:11:06,630 --> 00:11:08,630 Yeah, I hate cuddling. 141 00:11:08,692 --> 00:11:12,302 Are you kidding me? I live for cuddling. 142 00:11:12,622 --> 00:11:16,819 - Cuddling is the best part. - Seriously? 143 00:11:17,627 --> 00:11:19,099 No. I'm just trying to make a point. 144 00:11:19,124 --> 00:11:21,779 The best part is making that ass clap. 145 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,709 Well, I guess I just have to accept that I'm never going to be sexy. 146 00:11:33,611 --> 00:11:37,113 I really wish Shelly was here to give me a hug right now. 147 00:11:37,138 --> 00:11:40,076 You never know. He could be back there. 148 00:11:40,108 --> 00:11:43,865 Hey, Shelly, there are professional wrestlers and marijuana out here. 149 00:11:48,864 --> 00:11:50,591 Nope, not here. 150 00:11:51,382 --> 00:11:54,247 Candace, we can totally help you be sexy. 151 00:11:54,272 --> 00:11:56,333 Okay? Like the way that Danny likes me 152 00:11:56,358 --> 00:11:58,880 to be sexy is I'll laugh at his jokes or wear a cute shirt, or 153 00:11:58,905 --> 00:12:01,615 - I'll show him close-ups of my junk. - Whoa! 154 00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:22,818 - Nudies? - Yes. 155 00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:23,880 Yeah... 156 00:12:23,905 --> 00:12:26,036 Why haven't I thought about that before? 157 00:12:27,577 --> 00:12:29,982 Oh, wait, because I don't hate myself. 158 00:12:31,204 --> 00:12:32,826 Do you have any special talents? 159 00:12:32,851 --> 00:12:34,802 For example, I'm very good at acronyms. 160 00:12:34,827 --> 00:12:36,951 It's when you take the first letter of every word in a 161 00:12:36,983 --> 00:12:38,255 sentence. I can do that fast. 162 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,781 I'm sure some women find that sexy. 163 00:12:40,530 --> 00:12:42,356 What the hell are you talking about? 164 00:12:42,381 --> 00:12:46,786 - W-T-H-A-Y-T-A. - I'm sorry. 165 00:12:46,818 --> 00:12:53,357 - No one on earth finds that sexy. - I-S-N-O-E-F... that sexy. 166 00:12:54,677 --> 00:12:58,919 Okay. Let me show you this. Well, arch your back. 167 00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,255 Squeeze your boobs together with your arms. 168 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,568 Then sit like you're sitting on a bar stool that's just a little bit too high 169 00:13:06,639 --> 00:13:10,130 And then pout like a sexy duck. 170 00:13:21,986 --> 00:13:24,169 Do you have any suggestions? 171 00:13:25,127 --> 00:13:27,974 Candace, it should make you feel sexy that a great guy is 172 00:13:27,999 --> 00:13:31,185 crazy about you. That's how it makes me feel, and 173 00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:33,794 no I don't want to talk about it right now. 174 00:13:33,968 --> 00:13:38,638 N-I-D-W-T-A-I... Come on, you know...? 175 00:13:40,239 --> 00:13:43,801 Just be confident and do something unexpected, okay? 176 00:13:43,826 --> 00:13:46,919 Say "surprise" and grab him, and kiss him really hard. 177 00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:49,193 I don't know if I could do that. 178 00:13:49,218 --> 00:13:51,638 You can. Here, demonstrate on me. 179 00:13:58,512 --> 00:14:00,637 Oh my god. Is this really going to happen? 180 00:14:00,662 --> 00:14:02,935 The ratings are going to go through the roof. 181 00:14:05,326 --> 00:14:06,185 Oh! 182 00:14:07,351 --> 00:14:09,193 Surprise. 183 00:14:28,943 --> 00:14:31,747 I'm going to need a little more wine before we do this. 184 00:14:33,755 --> 00:14:35,380 *** 185 00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:54,654 Eh, you like this so much? 186 00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:57,975 I mean it's not my favorite thing but... 187 00:14:58,153 --> 00:15:00,568 Come on, I'm being int-i-macy. 188 00:15:01,437 --> 00:15:04,497 I'm hugging you like a koala bear. 189 00:15:05,242 --> 00:15:11,232 Okay. If you want to be intimate, I am so in. Hold me. 190 00:15:13,257 --> 00:15:16,247 Yeah, you know what? This is not for me. 191 00:15:16,386 --> 00:15:19,161 Okay? What is it about girls that they just want to change who you are, you know? 192 00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:23,966 They'll be like, oh, are you really good at spontaneous wild sex? You are? 193 00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:30,974 Well, you know what, stop being like that and instead be a stupid koala bear. 194 00:15:32,537 --> 00:15:36,544 I'm sorry. I don't think this int-i-macy thing is for me. 195 00:15:37,154 --> 00:15:38,177 People can't change. 196 00:15:38,202 --> 00:15:39,982 People totally change for each other all the time. 197 00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:45,240 Look, Candace is out being sexy for Justin right now, and I'm sure it's going great. 198 00:15:47,373 --> 00:15:48,661 Here's your coffee. 199 00:15:49,333 --> 00:15:53,849 - Why are you looking at me weird? - Surprise! 200 00:15:55,023 --> 00:15:58,122 Oh! Are you okay? 201 00:15:58,163 --> 00:16:01,443 Are you okay? You knocked out my toof. 202 00:16:01,468 --> 00:16:03,685 What? I was trying to be sexy. 203 00:16:22,610 --> 00:16:26,401 Aaargh! I'm so mad that there's nothing else I can spoil anymore. 204 00:16:26,426 --> 00:16:27,409 Thank God. 205 00:16:27,441 --> 00:16:31,065 You know what? At the end of "Making a Murderer," Steve Avery is guilty! 206 00:16:37,401 --> 00:16:41,386 You telling me they put a white man in jail? Now, that is a twist. 207 00:16:46,346 --> 00:16:48,917 I can't believe I knocked out your tooth. 208 00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:52,886 Candathe, ith okay. It doesn't even hurt. It's a cap. 209 00:16:54,735 --> 00:16:56,573 I'm so embarrassed. 210 00:16:56,606 --> 00:16:58,761 - Oh, my God. - Don't be Candathe. 211 00:16:58,786 --> 00:17:04,370 No, don't call me Candace. Call me something else. 212 00:17:04,395 --> 00:17:05,995 Thweetie. 213 00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:14,580 Excuse me, seriously? Are you laughing because this is all your fault. 214 00:17:14,605 --> 00:17:18,276 I should have known not to take sexy advice from the old maid. 215 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,104 I will eat your ass for breakfast! 216 00:17:24,542 --> 00:17:26,823 That came out wrong. 217 00:17:27,366 --> 00:17:29,487 You know what, you got me so mad. 218 00:17:29,512 --> 00:17:32,878 You tricked me into being int-i-macy. 219 00:17:33,456 --> 00:17:37,815 Dude, now I'm all insecure and nervous, and I can't handle it. 220 00:17:37,954 --> 00:17:40,042 That's how I feel all the time. 221 00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:43,206 That's intimacy. 222 00:17:43,969 --> 00:17:48,206 Okay. If you say one more word, this is going in your face. 223 00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,332 Okay. You feel that passion? 224 00:17:53,357 --> 00:17:56,081 You feel that? If we were to have sex right now 225 00:17:56,106 --> 00:18:00,120 for the firth time, you'd be making love. 226 00:18:05,057 --> 00:18:06,331 Okay. 227 00:18:06,356 --> 00:18:08,714 - That's for calling me old. - Aarrgh! 228 00:18:10,275 --> 00:18:13,057 This is for showing me pictures of your woo-woo! 229 00:18:15,530 --> 00:18:18,643 And this is ruining "Making a Murderer"! 230 00:18:20,018 --> 00:18:21,472 Drink fight! 231 00:18:46,831 --> 00:18:49,003 W-S-A-B-A-O-O. 232 00:18:50,166 --> 00:18:52,893 We should all be ashamed of ourselves. 233 00:18:59,035 --> 00:19:01,026 He's right. 234 00:19:01,545 --> 00:19:03,706 Okay. This is my fault. 235 00:19:03,738 --> 00:19:06,619 I got upset, and I freaked out Charlotte. 236 00:19:06,923 --> 00:19:09,714 I'm really sorry that I said those things to you. 237 00:19:09,739 --> 00:19:12,651 Your woo-woo is beautiful. 238 00:19:13,372 --> 00:19:17,557 And, Justin, I just wanted to be sexy for you. 239 00:19:18,169 --> 00:19:22,573 What? Are you kidding me? You're the sexiest girl alive. 240 00:19:26,861 --> 00:19:29,370 Danny, you need to be more like Candace. 241 00:19:29,395 --> 00:19:31,729 You should call vaginas "woo-woos"? 242 00:19:33,164 --> 00:19:35,222 No. She never gives up. 243 00:19:35,247 --> 00:19:37,417 That's the difference between good couples and bad couples. 244 00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:39,745 - Good couples keep trying. - That's right. 245 00:19:39,770 --> 00:19:44,432 And I'm going to keep trying. Next up, sexy lip bite. 246 00:19:51,729 --> 00:19:55,964 Look, Charlotte, here, come here. I remember once you said that 247 00:19:55,989 --> 00:20:00,268 your favorite scene from any romantic movie is "The Notebook", 248 00:20:00,293 --> 00:20:04,761 when Ryan Gosling kisses that big forehead girl in the rain. 249 00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:08,900 I just, uh, mh-hm... 250 00:20:08,925 --> 00:20:11,886 Hey, Brett, you got any rain for us? 251 00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,940 I can give you a little bit of Sprite. 252 00:20:24,034 --> 00:20:25,979 Come here. 253 00:20:27,962 --> 00:20:34,338 Okay, listen, I know that I can be annoying sometimes but uh... 254 00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:35,753 - Yeah. - Yeah, I know, I know. 255 00:20:35,778 --> 00:20:40,440 But I just want to tell you I really, really like dating you. 256 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:50,151 And that's how you make love. 257 00:20:55,636 --> 00:21:01,761 -- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com -- 258 00:21:01,811 --> 00:21:06,361 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 21132

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