Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,406 --> 00:00:05,242
Thanks for washing my hair
this morning, shower buddy.
2
00:00:05,616 --> 00:00:08,297
Ooh. My pleasure.
3
00:00:08,432 --> 00:00:11,033
Maybe next time I'll get
in the shower with you.
4
00:00:12,216 --> 00:00:14,684
Well, if you don't, I will.
5
00:00:16,053 --> 00:00:19,189
And I know what to do
with a naked black woman.
6
00:00:21,392 --> 00:00:22,926
Respectfully.
7
00:00:24,262 --> 00:00:26,496
Man, I got to hear these
two hooking up every night.
8
00:00:27,162 --> 00:00:30,564
It's mostly Justin just saying,
"I'll do better next time."
9
00:00:31,329 --> 00:00:32,769
Just relax.
10
00:00:32,985 --> 00:00:35,505
Also, I meant what I said...
I'll do better next time.
11
00:00:35,507 --> 00:00:37,808
Let's go.
12
00:00:40,023 --> 00:00:42,625
I forgot how much I hate
"relationship Justin."
13
00:00:42,627 --> 00:00:45,828
I don't like seeing Justin
with another woman, either.
14
00:00:46,342 --> 00:00:48,497
Go ahead... tell them.
15
00:00:48,499 --> 00:00:50,266
Um...
16
00:00:50,268 --> 00:00:53,102
I have a huge crush on Justin.
17
00:00:53,104 --> 00:00:55,738
All right, look... somebody
needs to help Candace right now.
18
00:00:56,940 --> 00:01:00,009
She doesn't know what "huge"
and "crush" or "Justin" means.
19
00:01:02,398 --> 00:01:04,797
Oh. My neck is killing me right now.
20
00:01:04,822 --> 00:01:06,211
Do you know what it might be?
21
00:01:06,236 --> 00:01:09,647
[ Grunts ] This arrow
that cupid shot into me.
22
00:01:12,103 --> 00:01:14,775
It's really cool that you
and Lauren are clicking.
23
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,633
I mean, she's everything you're not...
24
00:01:16,658 --> 00:01:19,517
She's confident, sexy, she has a chin.
25
00:01:21,352 --> 00:01:23,790
Danny, it's okay.
26
00:01:23,815 --> 00:01:26,015
You'll find someone someday.
27
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:30,416
Lauren and I haven't even been
together two weeks, all right?
28
00:01:30,441 --> 00:01:33,266
But it's exciting. She's
fun, she's creative...
29
00:01:33,268 --> 00:01:36,169
But I understand that it
pisses you off when I'm happy.
30
00:01:36,171 --> 00:01:38,204
So, for you, I'll try to tone it...
31
00:01:38,206 --> 00:01:40,673
Ow, cupid!
32
00:01:40,675 --> 00:01:44,611
What is wrong with you?
You're crazy. [ Chuckles ]
33
00:01:44,613 --> 00:01:48,148
Could you throw this arrow
away for me, Candace? Thank you.
34
00:01:50,051 --> 00:01:53,286
He's the sexiest guy I've ever seen.
35
00:01:53,288 --> 00:01:55,889
Hey, Candace, can I borrow
that arrow there for a second?
36
00:01:55,891 --> 00:01:57,257
Yeah. Thank you.
37
00:01:57,259 --> 00:02:00,427
[ Imitating Japanese ]
38
00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:11,271
[ Grunts ]
39
00:02:11,273 --> 00:02:13,573
[ Imitating Japanese continues ]
40
00:02:18,413 --> 00:02:21,757
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
- www.addic7ed.com -
41
00:02:21,782 --> 00:02:25,185
Oh-oh-oh,
oh, oh
42
00:02:29,490 --> 00:02:31,591
Honey, you forgot your phone.
43
00:02:31,593 --> 00:02:32,926
Thanks, dad.
44
00:02:32,928 --> 00:02:34,127
All right. See you later.
45
00:02:34,129 --> 00:02:35,895
Bye.
46
00:02:35,897 --> 00:02:38,131
Whoa. Was that papa bear?
47
00:02:38,133 --> 00:02:40,734
Was that the
notorious D-A-D?
48
00:02:41,557 --> 00:02:44,337
Oh, are we doing rapper dad names?
49
00:02:44,424 --> 00:02:46,191
Snoop daddy dad.
50
00:02:47,408 --> 00:02:49,976
Will.i.am your father.
51
00:02:51,279 --> 00:02:52,746
I'm sorry, this happens.
52
00:02:52,748 --> 00:02:55,148
I mean, one day, we
did hip-hop candy bars.
53
00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:56,616
It went on for days.
54
00:02:56,618 --> 00:02:57,751
Luda-twix.
55
00:02:57,753 --> 00:03:00,487
don't.
56
00:03:00,489 --> 00:03:02,822
Listen, why didn't you
introduce me to your father?
57
00:03:02,824 --> 00:03:04,624
It's not you. Okay?
58
00:03:04,626 --> 00:03:07,360
My dad's a judge, so
he's kind of intimidating.
59
00:03:08,796 --> 00:03:11,131
Your dad's a judge, huh?
60
00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:13,500
Well, permission to approach the bench.
61
00:03:13,502 --> 00:03:16,136
I want him at dinner
tonight, 7:00 P.M., my place.
62
00:03:16,138 --> 00:03:17,833
Tonight? Mm.
63
00:03:17,858 --> 00:03:20,778
- Fine. Dinner tonight. I'll go tell him.
- All right.
64
00:03:28,783 --> 00:03:32,552
Dude, you're so annoying.
65
00:03:32,554 --> 00:03:34,521
You've been dating her for two weeks.
66
00:03:34,523 --> 00:03:36,456
Why do you just got to move so fast?
67
00:03:36,458 --> 00:03:38,525
Brett: In college, we called
him "Lord of the Rings,"
68
00:03:38,527 --> 00:03:40,360
because he gave a promise ring
69
00:03:40,362 --> 00:03:43,663
to any hideous, hairy-footed
hobbit that said yes to dinner.
70
00:03:43,665 --> 00:03:46,299
Whatever, all right?
Lauren's dad's gonna love me.
71
00:03:46,301 --> 00:03:49,169
Interesting fact... every
girl I've ever dated's father
72
00:03:49,171 --> 00:03:51,137
still stays in touch with me.
73
00:03:51,139 --> 00:03:53,707
Uh, hey, yeah, Guinness
Book of World Records?
74
00:03:53,709 --> 00:03:56,910
Uh, yeah, I have the most
boring fact of all time for you.
75
00:03:59,837 --> 00:04:02,038
Yeah, it's the same guy.
76
00:04:05,437 --> 00:04:07,220
You want to talk smack, Danny?
Let me tell you something.
77
00:04:07,222 --> 00:04:09,522
I might not always know
how to please a woman,
78
00:04:09,524 --> 00:04:11,858
but I do know how to please a father.
79
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:14,394
That makes two of us.
80
00:04:16,597 --> 00:04:18,098
Let me ask you this question...
81
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,933
Has any girlfriend's father ever liked you?
82
00:04:19,935 --> 00:04:21,434
In high school, Stacey
Cooper's dad loved me.
83
00:04:21,436 --> 00:04:22,702
Took me on a family trip to Mexico.
84
00:04:22,704 --> 00:04:25,205
And then left you there.
85
00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:26,706
Okay. Silver lining...
86
00:04:26,708 --> 00:04:29,009
It really helped me
ace senior-year Spanish,
87
00:04:29,011 --> 00:04:31,978
or should I say se?or year Spanish.
88
00:04:34,515 --> 00:04:37,217
Listen to me. I got all the
tools to make a dad love me.
89
00:04:37,219 --> 00:04:38,218
It's like, what do I have in here?
90
00:04:38,220 --> 00:04:39,619
What's that? Oh!
91
00:04:39,621 --> 00:04:42,122
That's a firm handshake.
"Nice to meet you, sir."
92
00:04:42,124 --> 00:04:44,624
"Oh, nice grip you got there, son.
93
00:04:44,626 --> 00:04:46,760
Feel free to bang my daughter."
94
00:04:53,868 --> 00:04:55,536
Hey, Candace, I need you.
95
00:04:55,561 --> 00:04:57,237
I need you, too.
96
00:04:57,239 --> 00:04:58,905
What?
97
00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:00,473
Oh! No, no, no.
98
00:05:00,475 --> 00:05:02,542
I-i-i mean, I need you
to tell me what you want.
99
00:05:02,544 --> 00:05:04,878
Or... or don't. You don't
need to tell me what you want.
100
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,147
You know those old couples that
can just sit there in silence
101
00:05:07,149 --> 00:05:09,182
and not say anything?
102
00:05:14,536 --> 00:05:16,990
Anyway...
103
00:05:16,992 --> 00:05:18,958
Yeah, I just...
104
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,728
Wanted you to bring this
beer to Shelly, if you could.
105
00:05:22,153 --> 00:05:24,497
You keep it real, Shaquille.
106
00:05:29,270 --> 00:05:32,172
Was it just me or was that
incredibly embarrassing?
107
00:05:32,174 --> 00:05:33,640
Oh...
108
00:05:33,642 --> 00:05:35,141
Yes.
109
00:05:37,185 --> 00:05:40,614
Look, I think you and Justin
are perfect for each other.
110
00:05:40,616 --> 00:05:43,583
You're both so sweet and adorably naive.
111
00:05:43,585 --> 00:05:45,752
Yeah, it's true. They both gave me 20 bucks
112
00:05:45,754 --> 00:05:48,588
to sponsor me for that
iron man triathlon for charity.
113
00:05:48,590 --> 00:05:50,400
Oh, yeah, that's right. How did that go?
114
00:05:51,577 --> 00:05:52,715
I won.
115
00:05:55,630 --> 00:05:58,331
Yeah, well, he's dating Lauren, so...
116
00:05:58,333 --> 00:06:02,869
It's not serious yet.
Justin does move fast.
117
00:06:02,871 --> 00:06:04,971
Candace, life is full of windows.
118
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:07,107
If you really care about someone,
119
00:06:07,109 --> 00:06:09,876
you have to let them know how
you feel before it's too late.
120
00:06:09,878 --> 00:06:11,645
I love you.
121
00:06:14,304 --> 00:06:15,920
Guys, you saw me with Justin...
122
00:06:15,945 --> 00:06:18,184
I'm horrible at letting
a guy know I'm interested.
123
00:06:18,186 --> 00:06:19,552
Just throw him some vibe.
124
00:06:19,554 --> 00:06:21,688
Pay him a compliment in a sexy voice.
125
00:06:21,690 --> 00:06:23,390
I don't know how to do that.
126
00:06:23,392 --> 00:06:26,760
Just talk... [Deep voice] Low and slow.
127
00:06:29,114 --> 00:06:31,698
You guys know, like, a
good flower for dinner?
128
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:33,333
[ Deep voice ] I love your pants.
129
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,409
T-minus two hours until
dinner with Lauren's dad,
130
00:06:42,411 --> 00:06:44,711
which means t-minus 2 hours and 20 minutes
131
00:06:44,713 --> 00:06:47,147
until he starts calling me "son."
132
00:06:47,149 --> 00:06:49,349
Followed by "of a bitch."
133
00:06:51,988 --> 00:06:54,054
Look, this is really complicated, man.
134
00:06:54,056 --> 00:06:57,324
I know you think you're the
dad whisperer here, okay,
135
00:06:57,326 --> 00:06:59,259
but, uh, I don't know, man.
136
00:06:59,261 --> 00:07:00,894
I don't think you're ready
for this culture clash.
137
00:07:00,896 --> 00:07:03,191
- You're gonna crash and burn.
- Why? Because I'm white?
138
00:07:03,216 --> 00:07:04,764
Can't we live in a world without color?
139
00:07:04,789 --> 00:07:07,981
Yeah, I don't think you're
gonna solve racism before dinner.
140
00:07:10,237 --> 00:07:12,172
Danny's right. Culture clash is real.
141
00:07:12,174 --> 00:07:15,609
My boyfriend, Mike, is Latino, and
the first thing his mom said to me
142
00:07:15,611 --> 00:07:18,111
is that my hips were too
narrow to have his babies.
143
00:07:18,113 --> 00:07:20,981
- What'd you say?
- Gracias.
144
00:07:22,383 --> 00:07:24,017
The first white girl I ever dated,
145
00:07:24,019 --> 00:07:26,219
told me a whole bunch of
crazy white-girl stuff.
146
00:07:26,221 --> 00:07:30,223
Like yoga, recycling...
147
00:07:31,759 --> 00:07:33,860
That's about it.
148
00:07:33,862 --> 00:07:35,862
Yeah, you know, when
there's a cultural clash,
149
00:07:35,864 --> 00:07:38,265
you just got to roll with it,
whether it's language, food,
150
00:07:38,267 --> 00:07:40,413
- sense of humor...
- Oh, yeah. Humor's a big one.
151
00:07:40,438 --> 00:07:43,436
I dated an Asian girl once and she laughed
like she had a secret, like...
152
00:07:43,438 --> 00:07:45,438
[ Giggling ]
153
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,375
Oh, uh, and then I dated a black girl,
154
00:07:48,377 --> 00:07:50,810
and her dad laughed crazy, man.
155
00:07:50,812 --> 00:07:52,245
Black dudes are the best laughers,
156
00:07:52,247 --> 00:07:53,446
'cause they don't just
laugh; They relocate.
157
00:07:53,448 --> 00:07:54,748
You know, you'll tell a joke,
158
00:07:54,750 --> 00:08:00,720
and then they'll be like, "ohhhhhhhhh!"
159
00:08:00,722 --> 00:08:03,990
Uh, I actually made her dad laugh so hard
160
00:08:03,992 --> 00:08:06,926
that, one time, he drove to Las Vegas.
161
00:08:06,928 --> 00:08:08,929
I think it's cute that you want to help me,
162
00:08:08,931 --> 00:08:10,664
but I'm gonna tell you the same thing
163
00:08:10,666 --> 00:08:12,599
I told the girl I lost my virginity to...
164
00:08:13,041 --> 00:08:15,168
I really think
I know how this works.
165
00:08:15,713 --> 00:08:19,973
Now, if you don't mind, I'm
gonna go bake my famous muffins.
166
00:08:20,213 --> 00:08:22,242
Still have to pick up some
of the secret ingredients
167
00:08:22,244 --> 00:08:23,610
that make them oh, so sweet.
168
00:08:23,612 --> 00:08:25,111
So I'm gonna go grab Lauren,
169
00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:27,347
and then I'm gonna get
myself a little brown sugar.
170
00:08:27,349 --> 00:08:29,482
I'll worry about her dad later.
171
00:08:29,484 --> 00:08:32,752
Oh. Hello, sir.
172
00:08:32,910 --> 00:08:36,378
My daughter left her phone.
173
00:08:40,161 --> 00:08:41,695
Here... here you go.
174
00:08:41,697 --> 00:08:43,496
Um, it's so nice to finally meet you.
175
00:08:43,498 --> 00:08:45,978
I-i... I'm looking forward to
tonight. [ Chuckles softly ]
176
00:08:47,163 --> 00:08:50,452
Maybe you should
learn a little respect.
177
00:08:51,293 --> 00:08:52,625
Sure thing.
178
00:08:57,812 --> 00:08:59,479
What was that about?
179
00:08:59,481 --> 00:09:01,948
Let's play a game where you review
180
00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:05,652
what you just said to him,
and I'll watch your reaction.
181
00:09:06,731 --> 00:09:08,355
Famous muffins.
182
00:09:08,357 --> 00:09:09,789
Uh...
183
00:09:09,791 --> 00:09:11,658
Get me a little brown sugar.
184
00:09:11,660 --> 00:09:13,827
Oh, no. Oh, my God, no.
185
00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:18,869
186
00:09:19,917 --> 00:09:22,486
Moment of truth. Wish
me luck at dinner, guys.
187
00:09:22,488 --> 00:09:23,541
[ Plucks chord ]
188
00:09:23,566 --> 00:09:25,486
Oh. What are you doing?
189
00:09:25,511 --> 00:09:28,145
Oh, I'm just working on
a song for a guy I like.
190
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:30,200
Oh. Can I hear it?
191
00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:31,868
Okay.
192
00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:33,436
Um...
193
00:09:33,438 --> 00:09:35,505
I'm right here
194
00:09:35,507 --> 00:09:37,040
you don't see
195
00:09:37,042 --> 00:09:40,443
telling you is up to me
196
00:09:40,445 --> 00:09:46,049
I hope I tell you just-in...
197
00:09:46,051 --> 00:09:48,485
Time
198
00:09:52,023 --> 00:09:54,090
It's catchy.
199
00:09:55,212 --> 00:09:57,046
Well, who's it for?
200
00:09:57,048 --> 00:09:58,399
I mean, do we know this
guy? What's he like?
201
00:09:58,424 --> 00:09:59,723
He's a giant idiot.
202
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:06,732
Um, he owns a bar and is
very sexually inexperienced.
203
00:10:08,892 --> 00:10:10,359
What's the song called?
204
00:10:10,361 --> 00:10:11,827
Well, right now, the song is called
205
00:10:11,829 --> 00:10:13,229
"I'd like you even if my dad didn't
206
00:10:13,231 --> 00:10:14,897
because I would never care what he thought
207
00:10:14,899 --> 00:10:17,233
because you're so awesome."
208
00:10:23,507 --> 00:10:24,740
It's wordy.
209
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,377
But I like it.
210
00:10:28,379 --> 00:10:33,916
Baby, let you know just-in...
211
00:10:33,918 --> 00:10:37,019
Time
212
00:10:42,593 --> 00:10:44,026
My dad'll be here soon,
213
00:10:44,028 --> 00:10:46,429
so I should get this out of my system.
214
00:10:49,533 --> 00:10:50,533
Aww.
215
00:10:50,535 --> 00:10:53,102
[ Mock vomits ]
216
00:10:53,104 --> 00:10:54,904
Now, you both are probably wondering
217
00:10:54,906 --> 00:10:57,039
what the theme of
tonight's dinner party is.
218
00:10:57,041 --> 00:10:59,876
Is it "sentences I've
never heard a male say"?
219
00:10:59,878 --> 00:11:01,711
No. It's "togetherness."
220
00:11:01,713 --> 00:11:05,548
For example, I'm making some
marble-cake muffins for dessert.
221
00:11:05,550 --> 00:11:08,885
They're equal parts vanilla
and chocolate, like us.
222
00:11:10,526 --> 00:11:13,422
You made biracial muffins?
223
00:11:13,424 --> 00:11:14,523
[ Knock on door ]
224
00:11:14,525 --> 00:11:16,592
Hi, boys!
225
00:11:16,594 --> 00:11:18,094
Shelly, what are you doing here?
226
00:11:18,096 --> 00:11:20,363
Danny invited me. He
said there'd be dinner.
227
00:11:20,365 --> 00:11:23,232
Plus, her dad's a judge, and
I'm not gonna miss the chance
228
00:11:23,234 --> 00:11:25,735
to see the justice system
screw over a white guy.
229
00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:29,805
What the hell are you doing?
You know how this is gonna look?
230
00:11:29,909 --> 00:11:31,309
What are you talking about?
231
00:11:32,409 --> 00:11:35,945
Well, Justin, you invited
your one black friend over
232
00:11:35,947 --> 00:11:39,115
to show me that you're
"down with the homies."
233
00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:43,519
Oh. Now I see it.
234
00:11:46,495 --> 00:11:48,263
Dad, Shelly's only here because of Danny.
235
00:11:48,761 --> 00:11:50,494
Danny: Really, Phil.
236
00:11:50,496 --> 00:11:52,362
Uh, I'm the one who invited Shelly, okay?
237
00:11:52,364 --> 00:11:54,731
Justin doesn't even like
black people in the house.
238
00:11:58,481 --> 00:11:59,713
Danny!
239
00:11:59,738 --> 00:12:01,772
He's kidding. Just calm down, son.
240
00:12:01,774 --> 00:12:04,441
Sir, Justin is one of my best friends,
241
00:12:04,443 --> 00:12:07,878
and I can assure you, he
is as kind as he is white.
242
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:11,548
No one's that kind,
but I'll take your word for it.
243
00:12:11,550 --> 00:12:14,084
And, sir, I promise you...
I'll never put the words
244
00:12:14,086 --> 00:12:15,953
"brown" and "sugar" together again.
245
00:12:15,955 --> 00:12:19,289
Yeah, he'll probably
just say "sugar of color."
246
00:12:19,291 --> 00:12:22,159
[ Laughs ]
247
00:12:26,985 --> 00:12:29,086
Did you guys see that?
248
00:12:29,601 --> 00:12:31,068
He just relocated.
249
00:12:32,523 --> 00:12:33,770
I did what, now?
250
00:12:33,772 --> 00:12:36,874
N-nothing. It's just, I
heard that, you know, when...
251
00:12:37,851 --> 00:12:42,379
[Chuckles awkwardly] When black
people laugh, they relocate.
252
00:12:42,381 --> 00:12:44,781
Who would say that? That's insane.
253
00:12:44,783 --> 00:12:47,217
You know what? I'm... I'm
fine with that, though.
254
00:12:47,219 --> 00:12:49,419
You can... I mean, you can
relocate wherever you want.
255
00:12:49,421 --> 00:12:52,055
I'm for it. Not that I'm
for relocation of... okay.
256
00:12:52,057 --> 00:12:55,159
What I mean is, you can live wherever
you want. You can be whoever you...
257
00:12:55,161 --> 00:12:57,728
In any neighborhood you live
your life, you do as you please.
258
00:12:57,730 --> 00:13:00,831
I'm not saying... listen, you
could live here. I don't care.
259
00:13:00,833 --> 00:13:03,066
Come on in, you know? You can live
here... not that you would.
260
00:13:03,068 --> 00:13:04,902
You're a judge. You
probably make a lot of money.
261
00:13:04,904 --> 00:13:07,004
I mean, I hope you do. I mean, I preach...
262
00:13:07,006 --> 00:13:09,506
Not that I preach. Not that
there's anything wrong with...
263
00:13:09,508 --> 00:13:10,974
You know what? Who wants a drink?
264
00:13:10,976 --> 00:13:12,342
You seem like a scotch man.
265
00:13:12,344 --> 00:13:13,810
I've been sober for 25 years.
266
00:13:13,812 --> 00:13:16,780
Outstanding. One day at a time.
267
00:13:16,782 --> 00:13:18,949
How did you two end up together, anyway?
268
00:13:19,484 --> 00:13:21,251
He swept me off my feet.
269
00:13:21,929 --> 00:13:24,988
Uh, you know, it was actually
partly Shelly's fault.
270
00:13:24,990 --> 00:13:27,191
About a week ago, he hooked
up with a pretty white girl.
271
00:13:27,193 --> 00:13:30,961
Shelly: Racial karma.
272
00:13:30,963 --> 00:13:36,100
I take one of theirs, and they
take one of ours in return.
273
00:13:36,102 --> 00:13:38,268
Hey, guess who found a ginger ale.
274
00:13:38,270 --> 00:13:40,771
Thanks, Justin. I... love ginger ale.
275
00:13:40,773 --> 00:13:43,707
Awesome. Okay. Uh, sir, let me just say,
276
00:13:43,709 --> 00:13:46,777
I know I've only been dating your daughter
277
00:13:46,779 --> 00:13:48,378
for a couple of weeks,
278
00:13:48,380 --> 00:13:50,347
but I already know how special she is,
279
00:13:50,349 --> 00:13:52,883
and I'm gonna do everything
I can to treat her right.
280
00:13:52,885 --> 00:13:57,287
Ah, this is getting
boring. I'm-a take off.
281
00:13:57,289 --> 00:13:59,123
I was actually thinking, you know,
282
00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:01,058
this morning, when she woke up here,
283
00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:03,560
I looked her in the eyes and said,
284
00:14:03,562 --> 00:14:05,329
"how can I make your
dreams come true today?"
285
00:14:05,331 --> 00:14:08,999
Mm-hmm. Yeah, why would
she wake up here?
286
00:14:10,068 --> 00:14:12,870
Well, maybe I'll stick around.
287
00:14:14,906 --> 00:14:17,474
Dad, i-i-i just came
over for breakfast.
288
00:14:17,476 --> 00:14:19,977
Breakfast. She did. That's
exactly what she did.
289
00:14:19,979 --> 00:14:22,646
She came over for breakfast,
and then she got tired.
290
00:14:22,648 --> 00:14:24,748
She took a nap. [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
291
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:26,650
So it was one of those breakfast naps.
292
00:14:26,652 --> 00:14:29,686
Yes. Breakfast nap. [ Chuckles
awkwardly ] Yeah. Breakfast nap.
293
00:14:29,688 --> 00:14:33,223
Yeah, he... he knows that
that's not a thing.
294
00:14:34,926 --> 00:14:37,494
You like naps, Justin?
295
00:14:37,496 --> 00:14:40,831
You and my daughter are done.
296
00:14:40,833 --> 00:14:42,566
[ Timer dings ]
297
00:14:42,568 --> 00:14:44,802
Oh, your biracial muffins are ready.
298
00:14:49,174 --> 00:14:52,042
Guys, Justin's not picking
up on any of my hints.
299
00:14:52,044 --> 00:14:54,177
Yeah, subtle hints has
never been Justin's thing.
300
00:14:54,179 --> 00:14:56,613
That's why it was so easy for me
to stay in the closet in college.
301
00:14:56,615 --> 00:14:59,049
You know, one time, he walked in
on me in a compromising position
302
00:14:59,051 --> 00:15:00,384
with the captain of the swim team.
303
00:15:00,386 --> 00:15:01,952
And I panicked, so I said,
304
00:15:01,954 --> 00:15:03,941
"oh, the guy's giving me
a testicular-cancer check."
305
00:15:03,966 --> 00:15:07,566
And then Justin was so freaked
out, he had him check him next.
306
00:15:09,456 --> 00:15:11,428
All right, the time for hints is over.
307
00:15:11,430 --> 00:15:14,064
Okay, you have to tell Justin how you feel.
308
00:15:14,066 --> 00:15:15,966
Well, I did finish the
song I was working on.
309
00:15:15,968 --> 00:15:17,601
I could play that for him.
310
00:15:17,603 --> 00:15:19,436
- Do you guys want to hear it?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
311
00:15:19,438 --> 00:15:23,774
Some dumb girl song is not
gonna pull on his heartstrings.
312
00:15:26,688 --> 00:15:28,723
I'm right here
313
00:15:28,748 --> 00:15:30,647
You don't see
314
00:15:30,649 --> 00:15:34,318
Telling you is up to me
315
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,386
Soundin' crazy
316
00:15:36,388 --> 00:15:37,921
What I feel
317
00:15:37,923 --> 00:15:41,658
But I know what it's like to be,
318
00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:45,629
fallin' into something
319
00:15:45,631 --> 00:15:49,433
When it feels like lovin'
320
00:15:49,435 --> 00:15:52,503
I know I got to tell you, Justin
321
00:15:52,505 --> 00:15:57,274
Oh, Justin
322
00:15:57,276 --> 00:16:01,145
I'm yours
323
00:16:10,191 --> 00:16:11,825
Well?
324
00:16:17,195 --> 00:16:19,830
[ Voice breaking ] That could
work. I don't... that's good.
325
00:16:24,513 --> 00:16:27,037
Hey, buddy, how are you?
What can I do to help?
326
00:16:27,039 --> 00:16:28,939
I don't know. You have a time machine
327
00:16:28,941 --> 00:16:31,775
so I can go back and not
invite Lauren's dad to dinner?
328
00:16:31,777 --> 00:16:33,744
That's what you'd
do with a time machine?
329
00:16:35,513 --> 00:16:37,948
If I had one, I'd go back and write "juicy"
330
00:16:37,950 --> 00:16:40,517
on a pair of old sweat
pants, and I'd be rich.
331
00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:44,788
If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office,
332
00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:46,790
doing what I usually do when I'm sad...
333
00:16:46,792 --> 00:16:49,993
Hitting up Old Navy online
and making some bad decisions.
334
00:16:51,363 --> 00:16:53,797
Wow. He's so crushed.
335
00:16:53,799 --> 00:16:57,334
On the other hand, song time.
336
00:16:58,336 --> 00:16:59,870
[ Ukulele strumming ]
337
00:16:59,872 --> 00:17:02,539
Hey. [ Strumming stops ]
338
00:17:03,019 --> 00:17:05,809
Is Justin around? I
just came to say goodbye.
339
00:17:05,811 --> 00:17:06,877
All: Bye.
340
00:17:08,413 --> 00:17:09,880
You know what? Another
thing you should know
341
00:17:09,882 --> 00:17:11,415
is I have a very specific face blindness
342
00:17:11,417 --> 00:17:13,317
when it comes to
ex-girlfriends of my buddies,
343
00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:17,554
so I'll be forgetting who
you are in three, two, one.
344
00:17:17,556 --> 00:17:20,224
Hey, how are you? You come here often?
345
00:17:20,226 --> 00:17:22,860
I know you guys are just
sticking up for Justin,
346
00:17:22,862 --> 00:17:24,762
but my dad raised me himself.
347
00:17:24,764 --> 00:17:27,397
I don't really have a choice.
348
00:17:27,399 --> 00:17:29,166
No, you do, actually.
349
00:17:30,261 --> 00:17:33,404
Lauren, who cares what your dad thinks?
350
00:17:33,406 --> 00:17:35,072
A friend of mine told me,
351
00:17:35,074 --> 00:17:36,874
when it comes to love, you
have your windows in life,
352
00:17:36,876 --> 00:17:39,376
and you got to take advantage
of them while they're there.
353
00:17:39,378 --> 00:17:44,548
I'm telling you this because
I care about Justin... a lot.
354
00:17:44,550 --> 00:17:47,351
So... this is your window.
355
00:17:47,353 --> 00:17:49,793
You just got to decide if he's worth it.
356
00:17:50,555 --> 00:17:52,623
Look, does anybody want cargo shorts?
357
00:17:52,625 --> 00:17:54,424
They're on sale, two for one.
358
00:17:58,196 --> 00:17:59,763
Lauren, why... why are you here?
359
00:18:07,305 --> 00:18:09,807
Make the call.
360
00:18:12,110 --> 00:18:14,878
Hey, Guinness Book of World Records?
361
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,415
Yeah, I've got the saddest girl ever.
362
00:18:18,539 --> 00:18:21,718
Yeah. Same guy.
363
00:18:24,656 --> 00:18:26,104
364
00:18:27,886 --> 00:18:29,419
This is hard to watch.
365
00:18:29,623 --> 00:18:32,758
And I sat through "50 Shades of Grey"
with my mom.
366
00:18:37,298 --> 00:18:40,467
I'm sorry. I know it's hard to watch
367
00:18:40,469 --> 00:18:42,168
the person you like kiss someone else.
368
00:18:42,170 --> 00:18:43,837
Yeah, it sucks.
369
00:18:44,544 --> 00:18:45,916
But I did teach Mo a new trick.
370
00:18:46,474 --> 00:18:49,709
Mo, go stop kiss. Go stop kiss!
371
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:52,646
Oh! Mo! Mo, oh. Get this dog off, please.
372
00:18:52,648 --> 00:18:55,048
- Please! Humping, humping.
- Mo! Oh, bad dog.
373
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,516
Bad dog, Mo.
374
00:18:56,518 --> 00:18:58,551
Here's a treat.
375
00:18:58,553 --> 00:19:00,787
You can give me a treat,
and I'll happily bite Justin
376
00:19:00,789 --> 00:19:03,823
every time he kisses a black girl.
377
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,862
Can we just promise not to be nice to her?
378
00:19:08,864 --> 00:19:10,397
I got your back.
379
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,032
See you guys when I get back from Oregon.
380
00:19:12,034 --> 00:19:13,667
Hey, Les, they make great wine.
381
00:19:13,669 --> 00:19:15,802
Do you want me to bring
you a case of Pinot?
382
00:19:15,804 --> 00:19:18,838
[ Nastily ] Yes! You're
a lovely person. Thanks.
383
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:22,142
Well, since I live here and work here,
384
00:19:22,144 --> 00:19:26,046
I get to see Justin all over
her 24/7... So fun.
385
00:19:26,048 --> 00:19:27,681
You know what I was just thinking about?
386
00:19:27,683 --> 00:19:31,551
When you combine "Lauren" and
"Justin," you get "Lustin'."
387
00:19:31,553 --> 00:19:35,088
Well, do you know what we
were just thinking about?
388
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:38,892
When you combine "Candace" and "Justin,"
389
00:19:38,894 --> 00:19:42,429
you get "jundace." [Jaundice]
390
00:19:43,936 --> 00:19:45,468
Thank God we're not together,
391
00:19:45,493 --> 00:19:47,327
because that is a deadly liver condition.
392
00:19:49,337 --> 00:19:51,238
Okay, you guys, the
craziest thing just happened.
393
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,440
I was just minding my own business,
394
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,075
doing my morning ritual,
395
00:19:55,077 --> 00:19:58,879
air-drying my hair by shaking
my head like this. Okay?
396
00:19:58,881 --> 00:20:00,914
You know how I do it, all right?
397
00:20:00,916 --> 00:20:03,984
Then I heard gunshots. You
want to know what I did?
398
00:20:04,009 --> 00:20:05,876
Well, since you're a white man,
399
00:20:05,901 --> 00:20:07,901
I assume you walked towards them?
400
00:20:08,689 --> 00:20:12,959
Confident that you'd be
protected by your whiteness.
401
00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:15,428
Then I see this bad guy...
Okay?... and he's got a gun.
402
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:17,931
And I don't even think. I just,
like, don't even process it.
403
00:20:17,933 --> 00:20:20,534
I just kick, right? I did two swift kicks.
404
00:20:20,536 --> 00:20:22,202
I hit him right in the
neck, like right there,
405
00:20:22,204 --> 00:20:24,771
and then I heard the director yell "cut,"
406
00:20:24,773 --> 00:20:27,374
and I realize I just
throat-kicked Liam Neeson.
407
00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:29,809
Yeah, I heard they were making
an action movie downtown.
408
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,645
And thanks to my natural charisma
409
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,747
and precision
ka-Ra-Te...
410
00:20:37,331 --> 00:20:39,315
You're now looking at
Liam Neeson's new co-star.
411
00:20:39,340 --> 00:20:40,939
My name's "Cop Number Four."
412
00:20:40,966 --> 00:20:43,200
My line is, "That's how we... "
That's how we do it.
413
00:20:43,225 --> 00:20:44,658
That's how we do it. That's how we do it.
414
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,794
"That's how we do it in the J-Squad!"
415
00:20:47,882 --> 00:20:50,440
Cool. What's the movie called?
416
00:20:50,465 --> 00:20:52,098
The movie's called "K-Squad."
417
00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:55,295
Everybody in J-Squad gets
killed in the first 10 minutes.
418
00:20:59,685 --> 00:21:01,608
Is there a part in there
for me, maybe, in this movie?
419
00:21:01,610 --> 00:21:05,946
There might be a part for
you if the J-Squad starts attacking
420
00:21:05,948 --> 00:21:08,949
all the adults who still shop at Old Navy.
421
00:21:13,654 --> 00:21:16,823
Guys! So, you know how it's super hard
422
00:21:16,825 --> 00:21:18,692
for me to be around Justin all the time?
423
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:22,329
Well, I've decided to get my own
place, and I have a great plan.
424
00:21:22,331 --> 00:21:24,331
I'm gonna win a house in a contest.
425
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,601
Did somebody just say "contest"?
426
00:21:27,603 --> 00:21:28,869
You know, if it's a singing contest,
427
00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:30,203
the two of us would be...
428
00:21:30,205 --> 00:21:35,775
Together:
unstoppable
429
00:21:36,082 --> 00:21:37,415
No, Justin!
430
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,373
Justin, I'm not gonna harmonize with you
431
00:21:39,398 --> 00:21:42,243
while your girlfriend's away...
I'm not that kind of girl!
432
00:21:44,485 --> 00:21:47,354
How exactly does somebody "win" a house?
433
00:21:47,356 --> 00:21:49,389
Well, the city is fixing up
some abandoned neighborhoods.
434
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:50,957
To help market Detroit, I convinced them
435
00:21:50,959 --> 00:21:53,560
to give a house away. It's super-simple.
436
00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:56,196
You basically have to stand
outside and touch the house,
437
00:21:56,198 --> 00:21:58,398
and then the last person
left standing wins.
438
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,401
It's a good story for
Detroit. I hope it'll go viral.
439
00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:05,238
If you want something to
spread virally, I'm your man.
440
00:22:07,541 --> 00:22:10,944
You should put a condom on your mouth.
441
00:22:13,681 --> 00:22:15,815
Candace, I like you living upstairs.
442
00:22:15,817 --> 00:22:17,350
You don't have to move out.
443
00:22:17,352 --> 00:22:19,019
Sheesh, Justin,
444
00:22:19,021 --> 00:22:21,521
toss that thing in reverse
and back off a little bit.
445
00:22:21,523 --> 00:22:27,093
Beep... beep... Beep... beep... beep...
446
00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:29,496
Ow! Beep... beep...
447
00:22:29,498 --> 00:22:32,732
Why does it feel like she's
throwing me a lot of shade?
448
00:22:32,734 --> 00:22:34,201
Is she mad at me?
449
00:22:34,203 --> 00:22:36,403
I don't know, man. Maybe
she just wants some space.
450
00:22:36,405 --> 00:22:37,838
Why don't you just chill?
451
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,372
Chill?
452
00:22:39,374 --> 00:22:42,609
Danny, you chill white
wine, you chill seviche.
453
00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:44,778
Occasionally, you chill with the homies.
454
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:46,713
Isn't that right, Shell?
455
00:22:54,789 --> 00:22:57,424
- It's been way too long, son. Way too long.
- Yeah.
456
00:22:57,426 --> 00:22:59,459
- Who's that guy?
- Some guy named Damon
457
00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:02,115
from, uh, Brett's hometown in the U.K.
458
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,364
Do you ever notice that when
British people are around each other,
459
00:23:04,366 --> 00:23:05,966
they sound even more British?
460
00:23:05,968 --> 00:23:07,901
Yeah, I'd give him an
old-school crash-bang-boosh,
461
00:23:07,903 --> 00:23:09,703
and I'm going, "shut
up! You mugging me up?!"
462
00:23:09,705 --> 00:23:11,471
Bish bash bosh. Crash bang!
463
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:13,406
Wallop, son?!
464
00:23:13,408 --> 00:23:15,848
That was gibberish. We heard you.
465
00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:18,233
Don't worry, mate.
466
00:23:18,258 --> 00:23:20,700
You will meet that lucky lady, son.
467
00:23:20,725 --> 00:23:22,324
- All right, mate.
- All right, son.
468
00:23:22,349 --> 00:23:24,029
[ Speaking indistinctly ] All right.
469
00:23:25,753 --> 00:23:27,621
Justin: Okay, quick question...
470
00:23:27,623 --> 00:23:31,491
Does he know that you're
not looking for a lucky lady
471
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:34,628
unless she's standing next
to Benedict Cumberbatch?
472
00:23:35,667 --> 00:23:39,518
Look, no one from my
hometown knows I'm gay, okay?
473
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,464
And I only came out last year.
474
00:23:41,466 --> 00:23:43,035
And I left that place when I was 18.
475
00:23:43,060 --> 00:23:46,022
If you're not out to everyone,
I mean, you're not out.
476
00:23:46,047 --> 00:23:48,581
Why does it matter? I'm not
going back to Finchingfield.
477
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:50,440
And Damon's the first person I've seen
478
00:23:50,442 --> 00:23:52,275
since I left my hometown. It's just...
479
00:23:52,277 --> 00:23:55,078
It is what it is, okay?
480
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,915
Great house, Les. It's
a great neighborhood.
481
00:23:58,917 --> 00:24:01,651
People come here to buy
weed now instead of crack.
482
00:24:02,605 --> 00:24:04,221
Hi, boys.
483
00:24:04,223 --> 00:24:05,789
Just out running my errands.
484
00:24:05,791 --> 00:24:07,190
Got some eggs and weed.
485
00:24:08,826 --> 00:24:10,627
He's making his favorite omelet.
486
00:24:10,629 --> 00:24:13,830
Guys, thank you so much
for coming to cheer me on.
487
00:24:13,832 --> 00:24:15,932
Of course. I'm gonna do
the cheer I do every night
488
00:24:15,934 --> 00:24:17,567
at the retirement home...
489
00:24:17,569 --> 00:24:20,804
"Be alive! Be... be alive!"
490
00:24:20,806 --> 00:24:23,406
Oh, um, Justin, you
really don't need to stay.
491
00:24:23,408 --> 00:24:26,309
I know you're probably busy
at the bar and everything.
492
00:24:26,311 --> 00:24:28,345
Friendship's a full-time job,
493
00:24:28,347 --> 00:24:30,781
and I clocked in the second we met.
494
00:24:30,783 --> 00:24:32,516
See, I'm kind of like Spanx.
495
00:24:32,518 --> 00:24:34,618
I'm there to support
you wherever you need it.
496
00:24:35,169 --> 00:24:37,254
Yay...
497
00:24:37,256 --> 00:24:39,322
Hey, man, um...
498
00:24:39,324 --> 00:24:41,491
We already talked about
this... You have to stop
499
00:24:41,493 --> 00:24:43,994
comparing yourself to female undergarments.
500
00:24:43,996 --> 00:24:46,430
Danny, I can't help it
if I'm the underwire bra
501
00:24:46,432 --> 00:24:48,912
that keeps this group perky and alert.
502
00:24:49,467 --> 00:24:53,270
Hey, dumb-dumb. Come
to watch me win a house?
503
00:24:53,272 --> 00:24:55,372
Trent? Ugh!
504
00:24:55,374 --> 00:24:58,041
Oh, God, it's her loser ex-boyfriend.
505
00:24:58,043 --> 00:25:01,011
If I enter the contest, I
could save Candace from Trent.
506
00:25:01,013 --> 00:25:02,512
In the amount of time we'll spend together,
507
00:25:02,514 --> 00:25:03,847
I'll find out why she's being weird.
508
00:25:03,849 --> 00:25:06,183
[ Chuckles ] I'm joining.
509
00:25:07,622 --> 00:25:09,219
Oh, this is a disaster.
510
00:25:09,221 --> 00:25:12,189
The only reason she's doing all this
is to get away from Justin.
511
00:25:12,191 --> 00:25:14,224
Yeah. It sucks.
512
00:25:15,493 --> 00:25:17,861
Well, I'm gonna run.
513
00:25:19,664 --> 00:25:22,599
I think I hear an ice-cream truck coming.
514
00:25:24,736 --> 00:25:27,504
Good news, Candace... Got the last spot.
515
00:25:27,506 --> 00:25:29,206
Looks like we're gonna
ride this out together.
516
00:25:29,208 --> 00:25:31,508
Help me.
517
00:25:31,510 --> 00:25:32,876
Oh, come on, Danny.
518
00:25:32,878 --> 00:25:35,345
You're her friend. She looks up to you.
519
00:25:35,347 --> 00:25:37,080
Come on, Cop Number Four!
520
00:25:37,082 --> 00:25:39,583
Is this how they do it in J-Squad?
521
00:25:39,585 --> 00:25:43,220
No. Sounds more like K-Squad.
522
00:25:49,093 --> 00:25:50,594
What the hell are you doing?
523
00:25:50,596 --> 00:25:52,762
Getting in the game.
524
00:25:52,764 --> 00:25:53,997
Everyone, hands on the house now!
525
00:25:53,999 --> 00:25:55,799
[ Air horn blares ] Danny!
526
00:25:57,835 --> 00:25:59,236
Thank you.
527
00:25:59,238 --> 00:26:00,704
No problem, Candace.
528
00:26:03,741 --> 00:26:06,443
Don't worry, Danny. We're here for you.
529
00:26:13,684 --> 00:26:15,385
Well, this got boring fast.
530
00:26:19,405 --> 00:26:20,686
531
00:26:20,702 --> 00:26:22,770
Yo, girl, you know you'll want me back,
532
00:26:22,772 --> 00:26:25,206
once I'm a homeowner.
533
00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:27,541
I don't want to talk to you, Trent.
534
00:26:27,543 --> 00:26:28,876
God... Yeah, dude.
535
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:32,213
Back up, discount Ashton Kutcher.
536
00:26:32,215 --> 00:26:35,449
Why don't you back
up, dollar-store Keanu Reeves?
537
00:26:39,872 --> 00:26:42,140
Yo, dude, are we gonna go right now?
538
00:26:42,142 --> 00:26:43,708
'Cause I got to warn you,
539
00:26:43,710 --> 00:26:45,343
I've played a lot of "Street Fighter II."
540
00:26:45,345 --> 00:26:46,711
Round 1... fight!
541
00:26:46,713 --> 00:26:48,846
Hadouken! Hadouken! Sonic boom!
542
00:26:48,848 --> 00:26:51,436
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
543
00:26:51,461 --> 00:26:54,262
You're built like an ostrich, man. Respect.
544
00:26:57,723 --> 00:27:01,059
Thanks, Danny. I'm really
glad you're here with me.
545
00:27:01,061 --> 00:27:03,227
I'm proud of you, baby bro.
546
00:27:03,229 --> 00:27:05,263
Uh-oh. Incoming.
547
00:27:10,069 --> 00:27:12,036
What the hell, Danny?
This contest was my chance
548
00:27:12,038 --> 00:27:14,038
to figure out what's going
on with me and Candace.
549
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:15,840
I have to talk to her.
550
00:27:15,842 --> 00:27:18,351
All right, trust me, man...
With this sort of thing, dude,
551
00:27:18,376 --> 00:27:20,736
it's best to just let it be.
552
00:27:21,617 --> 00:27:23,918
"This sort of thing"?
553
00:27:23,985 --> 00:27:26,619
You know what's going on. Tell me.
554
00:27:26,621 --> 00:27:29,088
Hey, man, I don't want to get
in the middle of you two, okay?
555
00:27:29,090 --> 00:27:31,958
Plus, I wasn't gonna tell you anyway, and
now that I know you want me to tell you,
556
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:33,793
it's gonna be so much more
fun not telling you.
557
00:27:33,795 --> 00:27:35,528
Oh, but that's where you're wrong, Danny.
558
00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:37,096
'Cause you will tell me.
559
00:27:37,098 --> 00:27:38,765
And you want to know why?
Because you're trapped here.
560
00:27:38,767 --> 00:27:40,333
And you know how you hate it
561
00:27:40,335 --> 00:27:42,468
when I pronounce foreign
words in their native tongue?
562
00:27:42,470 --> 00:27:44,704
Well, guess what I brought
Candace for breakfast.
563
00:27:44,706 --> 00:27:46,519
A croissant.
564
00:27:49,643 --> 00:27:53,112
Come on, man. We're in
America. You call it "krissont."
565
00:27:53,114 --> 00:27:55,548
Cut it out right now!
566
00:27:56,479 --> 00:27:59,013
Barcelona.
567
00:28:01,207 --> 00:28:03,142
Okay, I'll tell you
why she's so mad at you.
568
00:28:03,325 --> 00:28:05,698
It's because, um...
569
00:28:05,723 --> 00:28:07,122
You missed her birthday.
570
00:28:07,147 --> 00:28:09,414
Wait, and you knew?
571
00:28:09,439 --> 00:28:10,805
Well, what did you get her?
572
00:28:11,355 --> 00:28:15,445
A l-laptop... s.
573
00:28:15,470 --> 00:28:17,704
You didn't even get me
anything for my birthday.
574
00:28:17,706 --> 00:28:19,706
Yes, I did. Remember last
week when I was eating pizza
575
00:28:19,708 --> 00:28:21,808
and you said, "are you
gonna finish that crust?"
576
00:28:21,810 --> 00:28:24,370
And I said, "no, you can have it,"
and then you said, "thank you"?
577
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:26,512
Yeah.
578
00:28:26,537 --> 00:28:28,437
Happy Birthday.
579
00:28:32,753 --> 00:28:35,655
Before I go pick up a
birthday gift for Candace,
580
00:28:35,657 --> 00:28:37,323
the three of us were
talking and we all agree...
581
00:28:37,325 --> 00:28:38,858
You got to fix this
thing with your hometown.
582
00:28:38,860 --> 00:28:40,693
You got to let people know who you are.
583
00:28:40,695 --> 00:28:43,763
You're just a really special
guy who likes to drive stick.
584
00:28:43,765 --> 00:28:44,765
[ Chuckles ]
585
00:28:44,766 --> 00:28:47,533
All right, stop helping.
586
00:28:47,535 --> 00:28:50,503
I know facing your past can be a burden.
587
00:28:50,505 --> 00:28:54,274
[ Sighs ] I don't know if I
ever told you guys this, but...
588
00:28:54,276 --> 00:28:57,110
For about three dark months, I...
589
00:28:57,112 --> 00:29:00,380
Well, I danced with an
addiction of... Claritin.
590
00:29:05,552 --> 00:29:09,055
I mean, my sinuses were clear,
but my conscience was not.
591
00:29:10,758 --> 00:29:13,126
Why can't you guys just let this go?
592
00:29:13,128 --> 00:29:14,761
At my retirement home,
593
00:29:14,763 --> 00:29:17,730
I've been with a lot of
people in their last days,
594
00:29:17,732 --> 00:29:20,033
and I found out that the worst thing
595
00:29:20,035 --> 00:29:22,869
is having regrets that
you haven't dealt with.
596
00:29:22,871 --> 00:29:25,972
Like, Mrs. Bosma, can you
tell him what you told me?
597
00:29:25,974 --> 00:29:28,741
I'm the one who killed...
598
00:29:28,743 --> 00:29:30,643
Tupac.
599
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:35,648
Tupac was her family dog.
600
00:29:37,284 --> 00:29:39,724
Was he killed in a drive-by, too?
601
00:29:40,454 --> 00:29:43,423
Yeah, well, technically a drive-over.
602
00:29:44,792 --> 00:29:48,002
Look, what I'm hoping
Shelly's trying to say is,
603
00:29:48,027 --> 00:29:50,394
you need to fix this
thing before it's too late.
604
00:29:50,419 --> 00:29:52,519
I mean, remember when you came out to us?
605
00:29:52,544 --> 00:29:53,710
Remember all the tears?
606
00:29:53,735 --> 00:29:57,003
You were very emotional.
607
00:29:57,339 --> 00:29:59,739
I know. 'Cause I was happy for you.
608
00:29:59,741 --> 00:30:01,908
And you want to know
why? Because you told me
609
00:30:01,910 --> 00:30:04,067
that you thought you couldn't
really start your life
610
00:30:04,092 --> 00:30:06,559
until everyone knew the real you.
611
00:30:07,606 --> 00:30:09,782
Look, there's nothing that I'd like more
612
00:30:09,784 --> 00:30:12,752
than to be 17 and back in Finchingfield.
613
00:30:12,754 --> 00:30:15,788
Only this time, I wouldn't feel so scared
614
00:30:15,790 --> 00:30:18,525
and I wouldn't feel like an outsider.
615
00:30:18,527 --> 00:30:22,199
I'd march proudly up to
anyone in that tiny little town
616
00:30:22,224 --> 00:30:23,481
and tell them that I was gay.
617
00:30:23,506 --> 00:30:24,719
But that ship has sailed.
618
00:30:25,269 --> 00:30:28,910
Damon's gone, and I don't
know anyone else in that town,
619
00:30:29,530 --> 00:30:32,031
let alone how to contact them, so...
620
00:30:32,307 --> 00:30:35,942
There's just some regrets
you have to live with.
621
00:30:36,756 --> 00:30:38,556
Okay?
622
00:30:43,247 --> 00:30:45,949
She really have a dog named Tupac?
623
00:30:45,974 --> 00:30:47,974
Yeah. And you don't want to know
624
00:30:47,999 --> 00:30:51,000
what she did to
the notorious c-a-t.
625
00:30:53,694 --> 00:30:56,663
That's how we do things in the J-Squad.
626
00:30:58,299 --> 00:31:01,568
That's how we do
things in the J-Squad!
627
00:31:06,956 --> 00:31:08,323
What the heck is he doing?
628
00:31:09,610 --> 00:31:12,445
Waiting for the beat to drop.
629
00:31:30,698 --> 00:31:33,199
Uh, Danny told me I forgot your birthday.
630
00:31:33,201 --> 00:31:34,267
I feel horrible.
631
00:31:34,269 --> 00:31:36,236
So I got you a gift.
632
00:31:36,238 --> 00:31:38,905
Oh, my gosh.
633
00:31:38,907 --> 00:31:40,873
Laptop cases?
634
00:31:40,875 --> 00:31:42,675
For both your laptops.
635
00:31:42,677 --> 00:31:46,446
Look, I'm so sorry that
I forgot your birthday.
636
00:31:46,448 --> 00:31:48,648
You're too special for me
to let you down like that.
637
00:31:49,917 --> 00:31:52,518
All right, well, I'll
put this back for you.
638
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:55,355
Hold out your wrist. There you go.
639
00:31:55,357 --> 00:31:56,656
[ Chuckles ]
640
00:31:58,259 --> 00:32:00,059
Thanks.
641
00:32:03,697 --> 00:32:05,732
Look, don't make a big deal out of this...
642
00:32:05,734 --> 00:32:08,268
I got you two pretend laptops.
643
00:32:08,270 --> 00:32:10,770
But if you play your cards right,
644
00:32:10,772 --> 00:32:13,473
I'll also get you an imaginary printer.
645
00:32:15,075 --> 00:32:17,477
Justin is so amazing.
646
00:32:17,479 --> 00:32:19,946
The only birthday present
I ever got from Trent
647
00:32:19,948 --> 00:32:23,716
was a street sign he
stole from "Boner Drive."
648
00:32:23,718 --> 00:32:26,119
Look, Candace, I really need you...
649
00:32:26,121 --> 00:32:28,621
[ Laughs ] "Boner Drive."
650
00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:33,393
I'm gonna tell you the same
thing I told Justin, okay?
651
00:32:33,395 --> 00:32:34,827
I don't want to get in
the middle of you two.
652
00:32:34,829 --> 00:32:36,629
Justin is just so...
653
00:32:36,631 --> 00:32:40,066
He's... he's probably the
kindest person I've ever met.
654
00:32:40,068 --> 00:32:43,675
Except for my grandpa, and
he loved my grandma so much.
655
00:32:43,700 --> 00:32:45,467
Aww. That's fascinating.
656
00:32:45,492 --> 00:32:48,508
I hope you're going to
tell me more about it.
657
00:32:48,510 --> 00:32:52,245
He would always open
the door for my grandma.
658
00:32:52,247 --> 00:32:53,846
He would rush ahead
659
00:32:53,848 --> 00:32:56,182
and make sure that he was
there to open it for her.
660
00:32:56,184 --> 00:32:57,415
And that's all that I've ever wanted...
661
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,520
Just a nice, sweet guy who
would open the door for me,
662
00:33:00,522 --> 00:33:03,957
and I feel like I've been
searching for that my entire life.
663
00:33:03,959 --> 00:33:06,025
Candace, this is torture for me, okay?
664
00:33:06,027 --> 00:33:09,128
I-i can't hear you talk about
love or romance or Justin anymore.
665
00:33:09,130 --> 00:33:11,764
You know the thing that I love
about my romance with Justin
666
00:33:11,766 --> 00:33:14,000
is that... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
667
00:33:14,002 --> 00:33:16,502
I've been listening to you talk about
Justin for the past few days now, okay?
668
00:33:16,504 --> 00:33:18,771
And... and I've even heard your
opinions on what you thought
669
00:33:18,773 --> 00:33:21,040
he looked like without his shirt on,
which is, by the way, way off, okay?
670
00:33:21,042 --> 00:33:24,722
He looks more like E.T. At the end
of the movie when he's all sick.
671
00:33:25,646 --> 00:33:27,647
This is your last warning.
672
00:33:27,649 --> 00:33:30,016
Justin's way more attractive than you.
673
00:33:30,851 --> 00:33:32,819
[ Gasps ]
674
00:33:34,208 --> 00:33:37,544
Oh ho! Laters, dumb-dumb!
675
00:33:39,482 --> 00:33:40,816
Happy Birthday.
676
00:33:45,797 --> 00:33:49,030
Why did you do that? Now I'm out.
677
00:33:49,055 --> 00:33:50,680
I know what I did was wrong.
678
00:33:50,705 --> 00:33:53,428
So, in solidarity, I'm going to leave
this contest with you.
679
00:33:53,453 --> 00:33:56,921
No way. Because this isn't just
about me getting away from Justin.
680
00:33:56,946 --> 00:33:58,879
This was supposed to
be a fresh start for me.
681
00:33:58,881 --> 00:34:01,616
I'm gonna warn you...
If you don't at least try
682
00:34:01,618 --> 00:34:04,418
to win this house for
me, then you're gonna pay.
683
00:34:04,420 --> 00:34:07,922
Candace, uh, not to be
disrespectful or anything,
684
00:34:07,924 --> 00:34:12,134
but this is exactly like
being threatened by a cupcake.
685
00:34:13,729 --> 00:34:16,297
Danny, I grew up homeless in Detroit, okay?
686
00:34:16,299 --> 00:34:19,133
I'm a lot tougher than
you think. I fight dirty.
687
00:34:19,135 --> 00:34:22,670
So if you want to bail on me now,
688
00:34:22,672 --> 00:34:24,839
I could always just dress younger
689
00:34:24,841 --> 00:34:27,508
and tell all the attractive
woman that you try to hit on
690
00:34:27,510 --> 00:34:29,844
that I'm your daughter.
You wouldn't do that.
691
00:34:29,846 --> 00:34:33,748
[ As a teenager ] Oh,
my God! I totally would!
692
00:34:33,750 --> 00:34:36,417
Dad! Oh, stop, embarrassing me.
693
00:34:36,419 --> 00:34:39,253
It's so weird. You don't look 40.
694
00:34:39,255 --> 00:34:41,155
I'm not 40!
695
00:34:41,157 --> 00:34:42,623
I'm not 40.
696
00:34:42,625 --> 00:34:45,293
[ Normal voice ] Mark my words, bitch.
697
00:34:47,763 --> 00:34:49,964
If you don't come through for me on this,
698
00:34:49,966 --> 00:34:52,033
the only thing you're gonna be banging
699
00:34:52,035 --> 00:34:54,435
is your head against the wall.
700
00:34:56,938 --> 00:34:58,539
I guess I could stay.
701
00:34:59,975 --> 00:35:02,977
That's how we do it in the J-Squad.
702
00:35:10,185 --> 00:35:13,387
Brett, sit down.
703
00:35:13,389 --> 00:35:14,955
Come here. Listen...
704
00:35:14,957 --> 00:35:17,658
Nobody should ever have
to live in regret, buddy.
705
00:35:18,592 --> 00:35:19,865
Okay. What's going on?
706
00:35:19,890 --> 00:35:22,224
Well, we got ahold of your old pal, Damon,
707
00:35:22,279 --> 00:35:25,613
and he spent the past few days getting all
your friends together from Finchingfield.
708
00:35:25,615 --> 00:35:27,482
Burski: We got everyone we could find,
709
00:35:27,484 --> 00:35:28,701
and we crammed them into the local pub.
710
00:35:28,726 --> 00:35:31,740
So, Brett, say hello to your hometown.
711
00:35:32,456 --> 00:35:34,189
All: Brett!
712
00:35:34,191 --> 00:35:36,524
[ Indistinct shouting
] Man: Hey!
713
00:35:36,526 --> 00:35:38,393
Oh, hi, everyone!
714
00:35:38,395 --> 00:35:40,045
You guys did this for me?
715
00:35:40,070 --> 00:35:42,738
Go on there, mate. We're all here.
What's this big news, then, son?
716
00:35:42,763 --> 00:35:45,163
Um, well, I know that a lot of you think
717
00:35:45,188 --> 00:35:47,369
that you know me really well,
718
00:35:47,394 --> 00:35:50,561
but, uh, there's just one part
of me that you didn't know.
719
00:35:50,907 --> 00:35:53,406
[ Breathes deeply ]
720
00:35:53,431 --> 00:35:55,365
I am a gay man.
721
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:03,054
Is it fun?
722
00:36:04,425 --> 00:36:07,393
Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, sometimes.
723
00:36:07,418 --> 00:36:09,418
So does this mean that
our pact to get married
724
00:36:09,726 --> 00:36:12,193
if we're both still single
when we're 40 is null and void?
725
00:36:12,195 --> 00:36:14,396
Um, yeah. 'Fraid so, love.
726
00:36:14,398 --> 00:36:16,577
But check in again when you're 50.
727
00:36:16,602 --> 00:36:18,702
You're cute. Are you single?
728
00:36:18,727 --> 00:36:21,695
Oh. Oh, who said that?
Is that... is that Roger?
729
00:36:22,239 --> 00:36:23,928
N-no, it was me.
730
00:36:23,953 --> 00:36:25,719
Oh. Hi, Dan.
731
00:36:27,510 --> 00:36:29,470
Guys, this is great. Thank you.
732
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:31,780
Wallop!
733
00:36:31,782 --> 00:36:33,281
Wallop. Wallop!
734
00:36:33,283 --> 00:36:34,783
All: Wallop!
735
00:36:34,785 --> 00:36:37,085
[ Laughs ]
736
00:36:37,087 --> 00:36:38,586
Candace: Oh, my gosh.
737
00:36:38,588 --> 00:36:40,830
I can't believe this has
gone on for another day.
738
00:36:40,855 --> 00:36:43,335
Okay. I know you originally stayed
739
00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:46,094
because of my whole
"Crazy Candace" act, but...
740
00:36:46,096 --> 00:36:49,097
It wasn't an act. I truly
saw the evil inside you, but go on.
741
00:36:49,099 --> 00:36:52,983
Thanks, Danny. Okay. I
got to go take care of Mo.
742
00:36:53,008 --> 00:36:55,008
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
743
00:36:55,775 --> 00:36:59,377
Oh. Look at you being selfless.
744
00:36:59,855 --> 00:37:01,622
To think you're the same punk kid
745
00:37:01,647 --> 00:37:04,581
who got a credit card in my
name when you were in 8th grade.
746
00:37:04,748 --> 00:37:07,062
Whatever. I only used it for emergencies.
747
00:37:07,087 --> 00:37:09,988
You used it last week at Subway.
748
00:37:10,287 --> 00:37:12,914
I was starving!
749
00:37:12,939 --> 00:37:15,907
P.S. You're welcome for all
the miles that I earned you.
750
00:37:15,932 --> 00:37:18,699
You know what? I'm so
proud of you right now
751
00:37:18,724 --> 00:37:20,858
that there's nothing that you
could say that could ruin it.
752
00:37:20,883 --> 00:37:22,484
Cool, cool.
753
00:37:22,509 --> 00:37:25,543
So, um... Candace will have other chances
754
00:37:25,568 --> 00:37:27,401
to win houses in contests, right?
755
00:37:27,426 --> 00:37:29,893
Because I have to go
shoot my action-movie scene
756
00:37:29,918 --> 00:37:30,862
in like 15 minutes.
757
00:37:30,887 --> 00:37:32,219
Are you serious?
758
00:37:32,244 --> 00:37:35,412
Sorry, but you know how the saying goes.
759
00:37:35,437 --> 00:37:38,738
That's how we do things in the J-Squad.
760
00:37:38,915 --> 00:37:41,816
- You're better than this.
- Ugh!
761
00:37:41,818 --> 00:37:44,454
Actually, you're not,
but you could be.
762
00:37:44,479 --> 00:37:47,313
Come on. Now you're starting
to sound like Justin, all right?
763
00:37:47,338 --> 00:37:49,605
Although he would probably turn this house
764
00:37:49,630 --> 00:37:51,830
into a metaphor for who I am as a person.
765
00:37:51,855 --> 00:37:54,239
This house represents the best of you.
766
00:37:54,264 --> 00:37:55,297
[ Head thumps ]
767
00:37:56,766 --> 00:37:59,267
It's broken on the outside
768
00:37:59,269 --> 00:38:02,370
but warm and full of
potential on the inside.
769
00:38:02,985 --> 00:38:06,341
Thanks, Les. You've really
given me something to think about
770
00:38:06,343 --> 00:38:08,043
while I'm driving to the movie set.
771
00:38:09,804 --> 00:38:11,653
Fine. Do what you want.
772
00:38:11,678 --> 00:38:14,045
But don't take that hand off of this house
773
00:38:14,070 --> 00:38:15,903
until you ask yourself this...
774
00:38:15,928 --> 00:38:18,395
Do you want to just
play a hero in a movie,
775
00:38:18,420 --> 00:38:21,421
or do you want to
be a hero in real life?
776
00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:30,541
Burski: So, Danny missed out
777
00:38:30,575 --> 00:38:32,276
on being in a Liam Neeson movie for this?
778
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,479
Ugh. Who cares? That guy is old as hell.
779
00:38:35,513 --> 00:38:38,982
The next "Taken" movie better
be about him takin' a nap.
780
00:38:41,787 --> 00:38:44,721
You're old and tired, man.
I could do this all month.
781
00:38:44,756 --> 00:38:47,591
Face it, brah, you're too weak!
782
00:38:48,927 --> 00:38:52,062
Man, dude. I am... I'm exhausted.
783
00:38:52,097 --> 00:38:55,866
You know, I-I-I miss my bed,
I miss taking a shower...
784
00:38:55,900 --> 00:38:58,068
I miss clapping.
785
00:38:58,102 --> 00:39:00,571
Seriously. I've had to teach myself this.
786
00:39:00,605 --> 00:39:02,740
[ Light smacking ]
787
00:39:04,442 --> 00:39:06,754
Candace, I'm sorry. I
can't do this anymore.
788
00:39:06,779 --> 00:39:10,349
Trent, you're right. Uh...
Trent's better than me.
789
00:39:10,648 --> 00:39:13,049
Danny, what are you doing?
790
00:39:14,619 --> 00:39:17,187
You win, Trent. Whoo!
791
00:39:17,222 --> 00:39:19,857
Started from the bottom. Now we're house!
792
00:39:19,891 --> 00:39:22,659
Later, dumb-dumb.
793
00:39:22,694 --> 00:39:25,562
Hashtag Blessed.
794
00:39:25,597 --> 00:39:27,698
Hey, man, uh, you know,
795
00:39:27,732 --> 00:39:30,401
you probably shouldn't
call her dumb-dumb anymore
796
00:39:30,435 --> 00:39:33,003
because you just lost a house, dumb-dumb.
797
00:39:33,037 --> 00:39:36,373
[ Cheers ]
798
00:39:37,909 --> 00:39:41,078
Uh, what's happening
right now? What's going on?
799
00:39:41,112 --> 00:39:44,782
That's how we do it in the J-Squad!
800
00:39:48,119 --> 00:39:51,221
Thank you so much. I don't
know how I could ever repay you.
801
00:39:51,256 --> 00:39:52,856
Oh, I don't know.
802
00:39:52,891 --> 00:39:55,626
Maybe with money because you
just got a house for free.
803
00:39:56,961 --> 00:40:00,097
Hey, Shell, Bursk, can
you guys, uh, carry me
804
00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:02,091
for the rest of the day? I'm exhausted.
805
00:40:05,136 --> 00:40:08,105
That's how... that's how
we do things in the J-Squad.
806
00:40:09,507 --> 00:40:12,876
I am proud to present you
with the keys to your new home!
807
00:40:12,911 --> 00:40:14,878
[ Both laugh ]
808
00:40:14,913 --> 00:40:17,281
This is the best day ever!
809
00:40:17,315 --> 00:40:19,583
Look, I'm gonna miss
having you around the bar,
810
00:40:19,617 --> 00:40:21,051
that's for sure, but, uh...
811
00:40:21,086 --> 00:40:22,463
Quite a birthday, right, you know?
812
00:40:22,488 --> 00:40:24,689
Two laptops and a house.
813
00:40:27,659 --> 00:40:29,960
No one deserves it as much as you.
814
00:40:30,725 --> 00:40:32,396
Go check out your new house.
815
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,298
Oh, w-w-wait,
wait.
816
00:40:34,332 --> 00:40:36,433
A lady does not open her own door.
817
00:40:36,468 --> 00:40:37,768
Let me see the keys.
818
00:40:38,272 --> 00:40:41,472
I will open it for you, gentleman of me.
819
00:40:41,506 --> 00:40:43,774
Okay. There we go.
820
00:40:43,808 --> 00:40:46,577
There you are.
821
00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:48,112
Is everything okay?
822
00:40:56,121 --> 00:40:58,188
Thanks for stopping by.
823
00:41:02,794 --> 00:41:04,228
Bye...
824
00:41:14,739 --> 00:41:17,675
I passed out. What just happened?
825
00:41:20,512 --> 00:41:23,013
Woman: Did America make you gay?
826
00:41:23,048 --> 00:41:25,983
Uh, no, not gay. Just gay-er.
827
00:41:27,943 --> 00:41:30,888
Do you own any small dogs?
828
00:41:30,922 --> 00:41:34,224
Uh, yeah, yeah, two... Elton and John.
829
00:41:36,428 --> 00:41:39,196
Woman
2: My son Jeremy's
gay, too. He lives in France.
830
00:41:39,230 --> 00:41:40,697
Do you know him?
831
00:41:40,732 --> 00:41:42,700
Oh, yes, yes, gay Jeremy.
832
00:41:42,734 --> 00:41:46,670
But in France, they
call him "Gay Jheremee."
833
00:41:46,704 --> 00:41:49,187
Oh, hey, Brett, sometimes
I like to watch gay porn.
834
00:41:49,212 --> 00:41:50,406
Does that make me gay?
835
00:41:50,431 --> 00:41:53,210
Uh, yeah, that makes you 100% gay
836
00:41:53,673 --> 00:41:55,116
- Told you
- Yeah...
837
00:41:55,140 --> 00:42:01,148
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
- www.addic7ed.com -
838
00:42:01,198 --> 00:42:05,748
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
63848
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.