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1
00:00:01,657 --> 00:00:04,491
All right, I brushed,
flossed, irrigated,
2
00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:07,360
put on my eczema cream,
and went to the bathroom twice,
3
00:00:07,395 --> 00:00:09,929
so I am good to go.
4
00:00:09,963 --> 00:00:12,965
All I need is
between 3 and 18 minutes.
5
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,601
When you look at me,
you think of a mom, right?
6
00:00:15,636 --> 00:00:18,604
Now I'm gonna need...
20 to 25.
7
00:00:18,639 --> 00:00:22,008
It's just, you know, this Sunday
is my first Mother's Day,
8
00:00:22,043 --> 00:00:24,477
and I know that the kids are
spending it with Jackie and Diane,
9
00:00:24,512 --> 00:00:27,880
- But I'm a mom now, too, right?
- Absolutely.
10
00:00:27,915 --> 00:00:29,348
Mm. You're sweet.
11
00:00:30,717 --> 00:00:31,784
Come here.
12
00:00:35,488 --> 00:00:38,257
- Oh, my god!
- I don't mind if you fake an orgasm,
13
00:00:38,291 --> 00:00:40,593
- but at least try to sell it.
- No.
14
00:00:41,528 --> 00:00:42,761
An oil line burst
15
00:00:42,795 --> 00:00:44,996
near the Gal�pagos
islands earlier today,
16
00:00:45,031 --> 00:00:48,333
threatening to destroy its
delicate marine ecosystem.
17
00:00:48,368 --> 00:00:50,169
Is that oil company one of your clients?
18
00:00:50,203 --> 00:00:52,003
The spill is threatening
hundreds, if not thousands...
19
00:00:52,038 --> 00:00:53,805
Please be telemarketers.
20
00:00:53,839 --> 00:00:55,807
Oh, great. Work.
21
00:00:56,854 --> 00:00:58,143
Hello?
22
00:00:58,178 --> 00:01:01,680
Crap.
Let's start a counternarrative.
23
00:01:01,714 --> 00:01:05,516
Uh, the cleanup's gonna take months.
Let's go with a pro-jobs angle.
24
00:01:05,551 --> 00:01:06,751
Yeah. Okay. Bye.
25
00:01:06,786 --> 00:01:08,419
Look, I'm gonna have
to start a war room.
26
00:01:08,454 --> 00:01:10,321
It's gonna take all weekend.
I'll make this up to you.
27
00:01:10,355 --> 00:01:14,325
- Oh, you mean sex.
- Don't say it like that.
28
00:01:14,359 --> 00:01:17,261
I heard about that oil spill.
I hope you're not representing them.
29
00:01:17,296 --> 00:01:20,164
Hillary, this, uh, cleanup
is gonna take months.
30
00:01:20,199 --> 00:01:22,433
It's gonna create thousands of jobs.
31
00:01:22,468 --> 00:01:24,034
You're not going to use that, are you?
32
00:01:24,069 --> 00:01:26,504
No. No. I'm just...
testing it out.
33
00:01:26,538 --> 00:01:28,573
Oh, those pelicans are coughing up oil.
34
00:01:28,607 --> 00:01:30,674
Oil is a totally organic substance.
35
00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:33,757
1x22 - Mother's Day
36
00:01:39,385 --> 00:01:43,115
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
37
00:01:43,588 --> 00:01:47,557
Hey, uh, I'd like to make a reservation
for your Mother's Day brunch.
38
00:01:47,592 --> 00:01:49,226
- For how many?
- Table for one.
39
00:01:49,260 --> 00:01:50,660
- Oh, that's so sad.
- Oh, come on.
40
00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:52,929
I'm sure it's not the saddest
thing you've ever heard.
41
00:01:52,963 --> 00:01:55,632
- I mean, you work at the ...
- It is. It really is.
42
00:01:55,666 --> 00:01:56,933
Well, you know what?
43
00:01:56,967 --> 00:01:59,836
The joke's on you, because
this is Michelle Obama.
44
00:02:01,905 --> 00:02:04,241
- Oh. Hey, guys.
- Hey.
45
00:02:04,275 --> 00:02:06,075
- What's in the bags?
- What bags?
46
00:02:06,110 --> 00:02:07,877
We don't have bags.
47
00:02:07,911 --> 00:02:10,113
You know, I think I'm gonna
go study. So don't come in.
48
00:02:10,147 --> 00:02:12,048
And, Kate, where do you
keep the wrapping paper?
49
00:02:12,082 --> 00:02:14,117
Uh, no reason. I just
was asking for a friend.
50
00:02:14,151 --> 00:02:16,152
Our friend also needs
tape and scissors, too.
51
00:02:16,186 --> 00:02:17,219
Hall closet.
52
00:02:18,588 --> 00:02:20,523
There is nothing cuter
53
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,958
than kids trying to hide
Mother's Day presents.
54
00:02:22,992 --> 00:02:24,160
Except me making this face.
55
00:02:24,194 --> 00:02:25,827
- Boo.
- Mm.
56
00:02:25,862 --> 00:02:29,298
Anyway, K-hole, D-bag
and I were talking,
57
00:02:29,332 --> 00:02:31,667
and seeing as tomorrow is
your first Mother's Day...
58
00:02:31,701 --> 00:02:34,736
There is no greater gift
that we could give to you
59
00:02:34,771 --> 00:02:37,239
than to let you spend
Mother's Day with the kids.
60
00:02:37,274 --> 00:02:38,674
Seriously?
61
00:02:38,708 --> 00:02:39,908
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
62
00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:41,777
You would give your Mother's Day to me?
63
00:02:41,811 --> 00:02:42,744
- Yes.
- You deserve it.
64
00:02:42,779 --> 00:02:44,079
And it didn't cost us anything.
65
00:02:44,113 --> 00:02:46,982
I can't believe you're
acknowledging me as a mom.
66
00:02:47,016 --> 00:02:50,469
When I first met you, I thought,
"there is no way in hell I am
67
00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:53,922
leaving my children with this
vapid, gold-digging alcoholic,"
68
00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:56,524
but over the course of
the year, I've come to see
69
00:02:56,559 --> 00:03:02,297
that though you enjoy a cocktail,
you don't need a cocktail.
70
00:03:02,331 --> 00:03:03,631
No.
Don't.
71
00:03:03,666 --> 00:03:06,501
And when I first met you, I was like,
72
00:03:06,535 --> 00:03:09,537
"Wow. Blond Jackie.
Real original, Pete!"
73
00:03:09,572 --> 00:03:13,674
Now I come to realize that there's
a lot more to you than just me.
74
00:03:13,709 --> 00:03:15,576
God, thank you. Thank you.
75
00:03:15,610 --> 00:03:18,545
I don't even know, uh,
what to ... you know ...
76
00:03:18,580 --> 00:03:21,048
What's the word?
I mean, it's just ...
77
00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:24,018
I-I-I'm like...
You know?
78
00:03:24,052 --> 00:03:26,787
- Aww. A veritable thesaurus.
- Just ...
79
00:03:26,822 --> 00:03:28,455
You know, when you think
of the word, text us.
80
00:03:28,489 --> 00:03:30,324
- Okay.
- Okay?
81
00:03:30,358 --> 00:03:31,258
Okay.
82
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,861
For a price, I've got a guy
83
00:03:34,895 --> 00:03:37,397
who can write up a
pretty believable study,
84
00:03:37,432 --> 00:03:38,565
so what do we want it to say?
85
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,468
You know, "seals do
more harm than good"?
86
00:03:41,502 --> 00:03:44,403
Um... "penguins ...
nature's silent killer"?
87
00:03:44,438 --> 00:03:45,371
I don't know. Talk to me.
88
00:03:45,405 --> 00:03:47,173
Roger, yeah? What do you got?
89
00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:48,842
Where are the pickles?
I don't see any pickles.
90
00:03:48,876 --> 00:03:50,676
Let's just say it was
the turtle's fault.
91
00:03:50,711 --> 00:03:51,811
- I like it.
- I was kidding.
92
00:03:51,846 --> 00:03:53,512
Okay, you know what?
Let's take five.
93
00:03:53,547 --> 00:03:54,981
Let's focus on the sandwiches.
94
00:03:55,015 --> 00:03:57,683
Then we'll come back and
hit this thing hard, okay?
95
00:03:57,718 --> 00:04:00,853
Hey, Pete, can I get your advice?
I'm trying to figure out
96
00:04:00,887 --> 00:04:03,856
what kind of panty to get
Jackie for Mother's Day.
97
00:04:03,890 --> 00:04:05,324
H.R. was supposed to talk to you
98
00:04:05,359 --> 00:04:07,326
about talking to me about
my ex-wife's panties.
99
00:04:07,361 --> 00:04:09,295
Right. Totally. Edible.
100
00:04:10,697 --> 00:04:13,366
- This is a disaster.
- Yep.
101
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,401
Who doesn't put pickles
on a deli platter?
102
00:04:15,435 --> 00:04:19,738
- Ah. It's been a tough day for all of us.
- Send an intern out to get pickles.
103
00:04:19,773 --> 00:04:21,006
I'm on it.
104
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,608
Pete, I think you're ready
to take the next step.
105
00:04:23,643 --> 00:04:25,410
I'd like you to be lead counsel here.
106
00:04:25,444 --> 00:04:27,579
Wow. That's ...
that's incredibly generous.
107
00:04:27,613 --> 00:04:30,282
You've earned it.
You know, when people think
108
00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:32,918
of this horrific disaster,
they'll think of you.
109
00:04:32,952 --> 00:04:34,719
You're doing a bunch of
cable-news interviews tomorrow.
110
00:04:34,754 --> 00:04:35,887
Could get ugly.
111
00:04:35,921 --> 00:04:38,356
So you want me to go out
there and take the bullet?
112
00:04:38,391 --> 00:04:40,091
Like the brave boys at Omaha beach.
113
00:04:40,125 --> 00:04:43,027
- Yeah.
- Probably shouldn't mention beaches.
114
00:04:43,061 --> 00:04:46,230
Mm. I got a tee time.
115
00:04:50,903 --> 00:04:52,369
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
116
00:04:52,404 --> 00:04:54,238
Your moms gave me an awesome gift ...
117
00:04:54,273 --> 00:04:57,074
the opportunity to spend a day
with you on Mother's Day ...
118
00:04:57,109 --> 00:05:00,144
and I think that you guys should
give them equally awesome gifts.
119
00:05:00,179 --> 00:05:02,646
Seems like you should
get them an awesome gift.
120
00:05:02,681 --> 00:05:04,248
- Or...
- Mm-hmm?
121
00:05:04,283 --> 00:05:06,784
...I can help you guys
get them gifts that
122
00:05:06,818 --> 00:05:10,153
recognize what wonderful mothers
and unique women they are.
123
00:05:10,188 --> 00:05:12,623
- Oh.
- Yeah? Yeah. Let's brainstorm.
124
00:05:12,657 --> 00:05:13,924
Jackie first.
125
00:05:13,958 --> 00:05:16,059
- Box wine?
- No. Come on.
126
00:05:16,093 --> 00:05:17,728
Think of what she
likes, what she's into.
127
00:05:17,762 --> 00:05:18,929
Boxed wine.
128
00:05:19,931 --> 00:05:22,165
Am I saying it wrong?
"Boxed wine?"
129
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,634
Let's think of something
that's not so sad.
130
00:05:24,668 --> 00:05:27,537
- Ooh! Paint!
- Seeds. Beads.
131
00:05:27,571 --> 00:05:31,774
- Nope ... seeds.
- Yeah. That's better. That's better.
132
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:34,644
But I want something
that's gonna blow her mind.
133
00:05:34,678 --> 00:05:36,346
Ooh!
My Mom has always wanted a chicken.
134
00:05:36,380 --> 00:05:39,449
She likes fresh eggs and birds
that try to fly but can't.
135
00:05:39,483 --> 00:05:40,583
Let's do it.
136
00:05:41,618 --> 00:05:43,018
Siri, where can I get a chicken?
137
00:05:43,053 --> 00:05:44,887
Calling Kevin.
138
00:05:48,992 --> 00:05:51,093
Well, there's a lot
of things people don't know
139
00:05:51,127 --> 00:05:52,495
when they buy their first chicken.
140
00:05:52,529 --> 00:05:55,264
There's a wide variety of
domesticated species to choose from.
141
00:05:55,298 --> 00:05:58,100
You got your Cornish, your Jersey Giant,
142
00:05:58,134 --> 00:06:01,136
- uh, Dorking...
- I'll take that one. Perfect.
143
00:06:01,171 --> 00:06:02,238
- They're very sweet.
- Good.
144
00:06:02,272 --> 00:06:03,372
Big poopers, so that's good.
145
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:06,008
- They're over there somewhere.
- Okay.
146
00:06:06,042 --> 00:06:08,543
I haven't learned to
recognize the differences yet.
147
00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:13,415
We should get Mom a cow.
Fresh hamburgers whenever we'd like.
148
00:06:13,449 --> 00:06:16,451
Warren, we're getting Mom what
she'd want, not what you'd want.
149
00:06:16,486 --> 00:06:19,120
Okay, but remember that for my birthday.
What does she like?
150
00:06:19,154 --> 00:06:22,056
- Yelling at waiters.
- Yeah, but that's how she helps them
151
00:06:22,091 --> 00:06:24,393
get better at their jobs.
What else?
152
00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:27,362
Flemish masterpieces
of the 17th century.
153
00:06:27,397 --> 00:06:29,030
Great!
How much do one of those cost?
154
00:06:29,064 --> 00:06:30,598
Wow. Wow.
I'm holding a chicken.
155
00:06:30,632 --> 00:06:33,634
This is grosser than I thought.
Here ... Bert, take your chicken.
156
00:06:33,635 --> 00:06:35,736
- Hell no!
- Good news. We figured out what Mom wants.
157
00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:38,572
- Oh.
- Hey, uh, question ... do you have $4 million?
158
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,741
Do you take bitcoin?
159
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:42,911
Kidding.
I don't even know what that is.
160
00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:45,146
The painting's a still life.
We could re-create it.
161
00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:47,014
- Here you go.
- Oh. Great.
162
00:06:47,048 --> 00:06:50,418
Yeah, I mean, all we need is
a vase and some flowers and
163
00:06:50,419 --> 00:06:53,788
burnt-up candle and a-a pipe, a
statue, a seashell, a wineglass,
164
00:06:53,822 --> 00:06:55,623
- Yep.
- ...some antique coins, a wreath,
165
00:06:55,657 --> 00:06:57,991
an hourglass, and a human skull.
166
00:06:58,026 --> 00:06:59,259
- Yep.
- Yep.
167
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:00,961
All right. Well, let's split up.
168
00:07:00,995 --> 00:07:03,330
You kids go to the mall,
and I'll go rob a grave.
169
00:07:03,364 --> 00:07:04,564
- Awesome. Let's go.
- Perfect! Great!
170
00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:05,665
- Uh...
- Bye.
171
00:07:05,699 --> 00:07:07,401
Graves are, uh, this way.
172
00:07:07,435 --> 00:07:09,702
And did you know that
chickens only have one hole
173
00:07:09,737 --> 00:07:11,405
for all their downstairs business?
174
00:07:11,439 --> 00:07:16,043
- Steve, get rid of the egg salad.
- That is not my job, Pete.
175
00:07:16,077 --> 00:07:18,745
I know it seems like a lot,
but I think Jackie and Diane
176
00:07:18,779 --> 00:07:19,913
are gonna love these gifts.
177
00:07:19,947 --> 00:07:21,548
And, you know, I really want to do this
178
00:07:21,582 --> 00:07:23,716
because they finally said
how much they appreciate me,
179
00:07:23,751 --> 00:07:26,185
and I just want to show them
how much I appreciate them.
180
00:07:26,219 --> 00:07:27,019
Uh-huh.
181
00:07:28,221 --> 00:07:31,558
- Are you listening to me?
- Yeah. I-I love what you just said.
182
00:07:31,592 --> 00:07:32,926
Yeah? What did I say?
183
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,828
Yeah, exactly.
Listen, honey, I got to go. Okay?
184
00:07:35,862 --> 00:07:38,998
I love you, babe.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
185
00:07:45,605 --> 00:07:48,441
All right, guys.
You go in her room and wake her up
186
00:07:48,475 --> 00:07:50,876
with Mother's Day pecks from
you and the chicken, all right?
187
00:07:50,910 --> 00:07:52,077
Here. Here. Take ...
188
00:07:52,111 --> 00:07:54,847
- Shh!
- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
189
00:07:56,783 --> 00:07:58,817
Kate, my Mom's not here.
190
00:07:58,852 --> 00:08:01,252
She's not here?
She left the door unlocked.
191
00:08:01,287 --> 00:08:04,122
- That's weird.
- That's not what's weird.
192
00:08:04,156 --> 00:08:08,126
What's weird is that she set up
the vacation feeder for the parrot.
193
00:08:09,295 --> 00:08:10,595
Hmm.
194
00:08:10,629 --> 00:08:12,897
Put it on the counter,
and I'll arrange the coins.
195
00:08:12,931 --> 00:08:14,899
- Okay.
- Go. Go. Go.
196
00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:16,801
Something's not right.
197
00:08:16,835 --> 00:08:18,836
Yeah, first time I've walked
in here and not been judged.
198
00:08:18,871 --> 00:08:20,571
It's 7:01 ... the coffee
maker should be on,
199
00:08:20,606 --> 00:08:22,340
and the jazz music should be playing.
200
00:08:22,375 --> 00:08:25,376
This is her 12-minute relax
window before her 3-minute shower.
201
00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:27,678
Well, maybe she's taken an early shower.
202
00:08:27,713 --> 00:08:30,080
Yeah. And maybe she's eating
a hot dog in there, too.
203
00:08:31,817 --> 00:08:34,385
- She's not in here.
- What are the chances ...
204
00:08:34,419 --> 00:08:37,354
both your moms gone on Mother's Day?
205
00:08:37,389 --> 00:08:41,291
The day they "so selflessly" gave to me.
206
00:08:41,326 --> 00:08:44,495
"Oh, Kate, you be with
the kids. You deserve it."
207
00:08:44,529 --> 00:08:46,555
- Mother f...
- Ah!
208
00:08:46,590 --> 00:08:49,292
- Mm.
- Mother what?
209
00:08:49,334 --> 00:08:51,335
Whoo!
210
00:08:51,369 --> 00:08:53,303
Yeah! That's a good time!
211
00:08:53,338 --> 00:08:56,507
All right!
Okay.
212
00:08:56,541 --> 00:08:59,736
All right. All right.
Now your turn.
213
00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:01,421
I'll hold the wheel while you drive.
214
00:09:06,808 --> 00:09:09,108
Guys, we're looking for clues ...
a hint, you know?
215
00:09:09,142 --> 00:09:10,643
Something that tells
us where your moms went.
216
00:09:10,678 --> 00:09:12,645
- Found something.
- What?
217
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,046
Black licorice!
218
00:09:14,081 --> 00:09:15,982
Plan "B" ... I am gonna
check the computer.
219
00:09:16,016 --> 00:09:18,117
Warren, you call your Mom and
try to find out where she is.
220
00:09:18,151 --> 00:09:20,353
- Okay.
- Bert, easy on the licorice.
221
00:09:20,387 --> 00:09:21,553
No promises.
222
00:09:21,588 --> 00:09:23,689
"Vegas for intellectuals."
"What is a gif?"
223
00:09:23,723 --> 00:09:26,025
"Matt Lauer shirtless."
"What does the Fox say?"
224
00:09:26,059 --> 00:09:28,227
God, I could read this for days.
225
00:09:28,262 --> 00:09:30,329
Uh, h-hello, Mother.
226
00:09:30,364 --> 00:09:31,630
Sound more natural.
227
00:09:31,664 --> 00:09:34,633
Uh, Mom ... Mother ... hi.
228
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:37,168
I was just wondering, you
know, per chance, where are you?
229
00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:42,374
- Why? What's wrong?
- Uh, what's wrong? I ...
230
00:09:42,409 --> 00:09:44,510
Ooh. Mom.
Someone...
231
00:09:44,544 --> 00:09:47,579
- farted in my face?
- Well...
232
00:09:47,614 --> 00:09:49,882
that does sound like
an emergency, Warren,
233
00:09:49,916 --> 00:09:52,317
and one I'm sure
Kate can most assuredly handle.
234
00:09:52,351 --> 00:09:53,451
Oh, no, Mom, but ...
235
00:09:53,485 --> 00:09:55,420
I love you, Warren.
Happy Mother's Day.
236
00:09:55,454 --> 00:09:56,421
Okay. Bye.
237
00:09:56,455 --> 00:10:00,725
- Do you think they're onto us?
- Someone farted in Warren's face.
238
00:10:00,759 --> 00:10:01,893
- Gross.
- Mm.
239
00:10:01,928 --> 00:10:06,531
Oh, Diane, we got to lay down
some real ground rules here, okay?
240
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:10,635
Uh, "panties on the door ...
don't come ashore."
241
00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:13,805
"panties on the floor ...
could use one more."
242
00:10:13,839 --> 00:10:16,607
- What does that even mean?
- Uh, like, a threesome.
243
00:10:16,642 --> 00:10:19,043
So, you doing anything
special for Mother's Day?
244
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,679
- Just selling my soul.
- Wonderful.
245
00:10:21,713 --> 00:10:23,514
I always thought
you were more of a winter.
246
00:10:23,549 --> 00:10:26,016
- What is happening?
- Is this what you do at work?
247
00:10:26,051 --> 00:10:27,717
I want to be a pretty lawyer.
248
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,453
I got promoted to lead counsel.
249
00:10:29,487 --> 00:10:32,189
I'm gonna give a, uh, press
conference this afternoon.
250
00:10:32,223 --> 00:10:36,526
- That's great, babe.
- Oh, yeah. I'm the... new face of evil.
251
00:10:36,561 --> 00:10:38,482
I don't want to bore
you with work stuff.
252
00:10:38,517 --> 00:10:39,430
- Great. 'cause we're on a mission...
- Good.
253
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:40,697
- Mm-hmm.
- ...for justice.
254
00:10:40,731 --> 00:10:43,533
- You came to the wrong place.
- Okay, Dad, listen, your ex-wives ...
255
00:10:43,568 --> 00:10:44,968
yeah, they're real pieces of work.
256
00:10:45,002 --> 00:10:48,371
They dumped the kids and Kate on me,
and now my day is ruined.
257
00:10:48,405 --> 00:10:50,307
They betrayed me.
They made me feel like
258
00:10:50,308 --> 00:10:52,308
I was part of the mom club,
and then they ditched me.
259
00:10:52,343 --> 00:10:54,077
- I mean, what is this ... high school?
- Apparently.
260
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:55,645
Yeah, that ... that
sounds really immature.
261
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,181
It is immature ... and hurtful.
So now we're gonna track them down,
262
00:10:58,215 --> 00:11:00,883
- and we're gonna ruin their Mother's Day.
- And we're gonna shame them.
263
00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:02,151
Do you know where Sad Steve is?
264
00:11:02,186 --> 00:11:03,652
'Cause I have a feeling he
knows exactly where Jackie is.
265
00:11:03,687 --> 00:11:06,055
Did you come here to
see me or Sad Steve?
266
00:11:06,090 --> 00:11:07,756
Babe, you.
267
00:11:09,093 --> 00:11:10,926
But, really, do you
know where Sad Steve is?
268
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:13,029
I can and will tell you
269
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:16,431
almost all other
personal information but that.
270
00:11:16,466 --> 00:11:18,266
Just... tell me where she is!
271
00:11:18,301 --> 00:11:21,804
Please do not scream at me, okay?
I don't like mean voices.
272
00:11:21,838 --> 00:11:24,373
Kate, can you please give us a minute?
273
00:11:25,542 --> 00:11:26,775
Sure. Yeah.
274
00:11:26,810 --> 00:11:29,423
Oh, and close the door. Thanks.
275
00:11:31,314 --> 00:11:33,315
Please tell me where my Mommy is.
276
00:11:33,349 --> 00:11:36,418
- I really need to talk to her.
- Bert...
277
00:11:37,820 --> 00:11:39,021
Please don't touch those.
278
00:11:39,055 --> 00:11:41,423
- Whoops.
- You're putting me in a tough spot.
279
00:11:41,457 --> 00:11:43,625
Your mother is very special to me,
280
00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:46,628
and I promised to her
that I would keep her secret.
281
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:49,998
But I can't wait to tell her that
I want you to be my new daddy.
282
00:11:51,834 --> 00:11:54,468
She's staying at the Montage
Laguna until tomorrow night.
283
00:11:55,504 --> 00:11:58,706
Oh, wow.
You surprised me, you little rascal.
284
00:11:58,741 --> 00:12:00,875
You want to try to call
her right now together? Huh?
285
00:12:00,910 --> 00:12:05,546
- What do you say... son?
- I already have a Dad!
286
00:12:06,648 --> 00:12:10,217
Kate! I got it!
I know where she is!
287
00:12:10,252 --> 00:12:14,255
Caroline, could you please,
uh, move up my session with my therapist
288
00:12:14,289 --> 00:12:17,291
to as early as possible this week?
Preferably, uh, this afternoon.
289
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:24,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
290
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,790
- Here you are, ma'am.
- Oh.
291
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:34,207
- One bottle of our finest champagne.
- David, I could kiss you on the mouth,
292
00:12:34,241 --> 00:12:37,310
but I don't know where it's
been, so I'm not gonna do it.
293
00:12:37,344 --> 00:12:40,380
Maybe after I drink that bottle.
Come back in 10 minutes.
294
00:12:40,414 --> 00:12:42,315
Oh, and charge it to room 242.
295
00:12:42,349 --> 00:12:45,985
There's nothing more relaxing
than a 5,000-meter swim.
296
00:12:46,019 --> 00:12:47,454
I don't know.
297
00:12:47,488 --> 00:12:50,022
This is my ninth one of these,
and I'm feeling pretty chill.
298
00:12:51,092 --> 00:12:53,859
Oh, wait. We're in room 342.
299
00:12:53,894 --> 00:12:56,295
Okay. David?
Oh, well. He's gone.
300
00:12:56,329 --> 00:13:00,299
Oh, there. Hey, David!
What up?
301
00:13:05,739 --> 00:13:08,641
- Happy Mother's Day!
- Diane! Code red!
302
00:13:08,675 --> 00:13:10,209
Looks like you're
having a good time, huh?
303
00:13:10,243 --> 00:13:11,610
What's this?
Ooh, lobster roll? Yeah.
304
00:13:11,644 --> 00:13:12,711
Yes, please. Mmm!
305
00:13:12,745 --> 00:13:14,879
Kate, if you're going
to act like a child,
306
00:13:14,914 --> 00:13:17,782
- the kiddy pool is over there.
- I thought you gave me the kids
307
00:13:17,817 --> 00:13:19,485
because you respected
me and accepted me.
308
00:13:19,519 --> 00:13:21,487
Well, it's not my fault
if your ego allowed you
309
00:13:21,521 --> 00:13:23,888
to forget everything I've ever
said about you in your life.
310
00:13:23,923 --> 00:13:25,991
Okay, get out of the pool, Diane.
311
00:13:26,025 --> 00:13:27,391
Nope.
I haven't finished my laps.
312
00:13:27,426 --> 00:13:29,828
- Oh, yes, you have!
- Oh! Ooh!
313
00:13:29,862 --> 00:13:31,395
- Hey!
- Get off of my meal ticket!
314
00:13:31,430 --> 00:13:32,897
- Get off me!
- Kate!
315
00:13:32,932 --> 00:13:35,033
I warned you!
316
00:13:36,235 --> 00:13:38,036
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
317
00:13:39,404 --> 00:13:41,339
Is this what you want?!
Is this what you want?!
318
00:13:41,373 --> 00:13:43,174
Mom fight! Mom fight!
319
00:13:45,110 --> 00:13:48,179
- How's your Mother's Day going?
- Amazing.
320
00:13:49,914 --> 00:13:51,871
You all right, man?
You look kind of pale.
321
00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:55,019
Me? I-I-I'm ... I'm stressed ...
a little stressed.
322
00:13:55,053 --> 00:13:57,030
Yeah, I would not want to
have your job right now.
323
00:13:57,065 --> 00:14:00,724
Okay, you'll hear Randy in
your earpiece in three, two...
324
00:14:00,759 --> 00:14:02,726
We are here with Pete Harrison,
325
00:14:02,761 --> 00:14:04,928
lead counsel for
Hirshey/Pollack Petroleum.
326
00:14:04,963 --> 00:14:06,897
Sir, does your firm have any comment
327
00:14:06,931 --> 00:14:10,100
about the devastating effects of
the oil spill on the Gal�pagos?
328
00:14:10,135 --> 00:14:14,504
First, I-I-I just want to say
"happy Mother's Day"
329
00:14:14,539 --> 00:14:16,473
to all the ... all the
great moms out there.
330
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:19,476
How about those moms?
And to your point,
331
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:23,746
the thing about
an environmental...
332
00:14:23,781 --> 00:14:26,983
crisis of this ...
of this magnitude ...
333
00:14:27,017 --> 00:14:28,785
my client has always...
334
00:14:28,819 --> 00:14:31,888
always...
maintained ...
335
00:14:31,922 --> 00:14:34,057
I think ... I think I have to ...
336
00:14:37,027 --> 00:14:39,461
- I can't believe you tricked me.
- I can't believe you found us.
337
00:14:39,496 --> 00:14:42,231
I can't believe this is good
for the yogurt treatment in my hair.
338
00:14:42,265 --> 00:14:44,333
And now there's yogurt in the pool!
339
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,903
You know, I'm smarter than you
think I am, Diane, all right?
340
00:14:46,937 --> 00:14:47,970
I know what a gif is.
341
00:14:48,005 --> 00:14:49,971
I know what the Fox says.
Do you?
342
00:14:50,006 --> 00:14:51,740
I have... a sense.
343
00:14:51,774 --> 00:14:53,008
- Really?
- Guys, you have to stop.
344
00:14:53,042 --> 00:14:55,244
Um...
Pete had a heart attack.
345
00:14:55,278 --> 00:14:57,446
- Jackie, that's not funny.
- What?
346
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,516
No, I got a text from Sad Steve.
"Pete had a heart attack."
347
00:15:00,550 --> 00:15:02,651
- What?
- Oh, my gosh.
348
00:15:10,222 --> 00:15:12,070
Excuse me. Hi.
Peter Harrison.
349
00:15:12,104 --> 00:15:14,838
Kate, if anything happens, we're
gonna get through this together.
350
00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:18,443
We tried everything we can...
but we're out of options.
351
00:15:19,478 --> 00:15:20,811
There's no easy way to say this.
352
00:15:20,845 --> 00:15:22,313
I think we should see other people.
353
00:15:22,347 --> 00:15:23,647
- For god's sakes.
- What?
354
00:15:26,084 --> 00:15:29,587
Peter Henry William Harrison.
355
00:15:29,621 --> 00:15:31,956
- Who are you?
- This is his wife.
356
00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,924
His wife is already in there.
357
00:15:33,959 --> 00:15:35,793
- No. - What?
- No, what?
358
00:15:40,465 --> 00:15:42,165
Hey, babycakes.
359
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,534
- Aah!
- Shh.
360
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:47,504
Warren, Hillary, bird,
and I were so darn worried.
361
00:15:47,538 --> 00:15:50,840
- Where's Kate?
- Who's Kate, my love?
362
00:15:50,874 --> 00:15:51,834
- Stop it.
- Ugh. Gross.
363
00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:54,711
- I can't continue with this bit.
- Oh, my god. Pete, are you okay?
364
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,913
Yeah, he's fine.
Sorry I didn't text you.
365
00:15:56,947 --> 00:15:58,247
I actually took out
my phone to text you,
366
00:15:58,281 --> 00:15:59,649
but then I started playing
Candy Crush.
367
00:15:59,683 --> 00:16:03,405
The paramedics said I
had a mild heart attack, but...
368
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,454
- I-I feel fine now.
- You look good.
369
00:16:05,489 --> 00:16:07,356
And that mascara
really makes your eyes pop.
370
00:16:07,390 --> 00:16:10,860
Taking a look at your chart here.
Have to add that.
371
00:16:10,894 --> 00:16:12,394
Okay, Jackie. Excuse me.
372
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:15,063
I'm going to just scribble
out "green-tea enema,"
373
00:16:15,098 --> 00:16:17,299
- if that's okay with you, nurse Jackie.
- No.
374
00:16:17,334 --> 00:16:19,235
Dad, I was so scared.
375
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,203
Sweetie, you don't have to worry.
I'm not going anywhere.
376
00:16:21,238 --> 00:16:23,905
But you promised to
take me to Disneyland.
377
00:16:23,940 --> 00:16:26,375
Oh, no. No, Bert.
378
00:16:26,409 --> 00:16:28,310
He was using a finger of speech.
379
00:16:29,346 --> 00:16:34,683
- He means he's never going to die.
- I love you, Dad... so much.
380
00:16:34,717 --> 00:16:36,852
You're the one who's gonna
take care of me when I'm older.
381
00:16:36,886 --> 00:16:38,586
I know.
382
00:16:38,621 --> 00:16:40,155
- All right. Thank you, nurse.
- Ah, yes.
383
00:16:40,189 --> 00:16:44,059
Okay. Mr. And Mrs. ...
Uh, missuses Harrison.
384
00:16:44,093 --> 00:16:47,662
You can call me Jackie.
Actually, "Jack�e."
385
00:16:47,696 --> 00:16:48,896
I'm Mrs. Harrison.
386
00:16:48,930 --> 00:16:51,432
Um, so, tell me ...
w-was it a heart attack?
387
00:16:51,467 --> 00:16:53,234
Uh, not exactly.
Mr. Harrison, you'll be fine.
388
00:16:53,269 --> 00:16:56,271
You just had a severe
case of indigestion.
389
00:16:56,305 --> 00:16:59,174
So... it was a-a mild heart attack?
390
00:16:59,208 --> 00:17:01,776
Nope. Did you eat
anything strange today?
391
00:17:01,810 --> 00:17:05,880
Um...
pickles...
392
00:17:05,914 --> 00:17:09,050
one or two pounds of, uh, cured meats...
393
00:17:09,084 --> 00:17:12,086
six mini cupcakes...
394
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,689
- two regular-size cupcakes...
- Okay, Peter, that's disgusting.
395
00:17:14,723 --> 00:17:16,757
...and a pudding pop.
396
00:17:16,792 --> 00:17:18,425
- Babe.
- Really, Dad.
397
00:17:18,459 --> 00:17:20,627
Doctor, this feels to
me like a wake-up call.
398
00:17:20,662 --> 00:17:21,895
What do you recommend?
399
00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:25,432
Should I ... I don't know ...
change my lifestyle?
400
00:17:25,466 --> 00:17:26,866
Pull back at work?
401
00:17:26,901 --> 00:17:29,536
Decide what's... really important?
402
00:17:29,571 --> 00:17:31,438
Well, cut down on the
cupcakes, and ... you know what?
403
00:17:31,472 --> 00:17:34,374
I actually have a pamphlet ...
it's got a cartoon broccoli on it ...
404
00:17:34,409 --> 00:17:36,642
you might find informative.
It's actually very funny.
405
00:17:36,677 --> 00:17:38,211
You won't even realize you're learning.
406
00:17:38,245 --> 00:17:39,245
Oh!
407
00:17:40,347 --> 00:17:42,215
I think we're gonna
need a second opinion.
408
00:17:43,084 --> 00:17:44,117
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
409
00:17:44,151 --> 00:17:45,952
- Sorry!
- Sorry!
410
00:17:45,986 --> 00:17:48,988
Well... we're in a hospital.
I guess it's safe.
411
00:17:49,023 --> 00:17:50,223
- Whoo-hoo!
- Anyway... - Good luck.
412
00:17:50,257 --> 00:17:51,290
- See you on the flip side.
- Yep.
413
00:17:51,325 --> 00:17:52,791
Uh, hey.
414
00:17:53,860 --> 00:17:55,928
Did you guys mean
415
00:17:55,962 --> 00:17:58,331
any of the nice things you
said about me yesterday?
416
00:17:58,365 --> 00:18:01,767
Or did you just say them to
trick me into watching the kids?
417
00:18:01,801 --> 00:18:04,970
Oh, well, I-I mean, I wasn't really...
418
00:18:05,004 --> 00:18:06,439
- What? Me or her?
- ...tricking.
419
00:18:06,473 --> 00:18:09,374
'Cause you didn't have
to trick me, you know.
420
00:18:10,210 --> 00:18:12,711
I really love being with your kids.
421
00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:17,682
I just... feel stupid
because when you gave me Mother's Day,
422
00:18:17,717 --> 00:18:19,384
I actually felt like one of the moms,
423
00:18:19,418 --> 00:18:21,754
and then you guys went
and hung out without me,
424
00:18:21,788 --> 00:18:23,889
which hurts because...
425
00:18:25,391 --> 00:18:30,395
for some strange reason that
I can't quite understand...
426
00:18:30,429 --> 00:18:32,397
I really like you guys.
427
00:18:33,399 --> 00:18:34,566
- Oh...
- Kate...
428
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:40,037
for some reason that I can't understand,
I... like you, too.
429
00:18:40,072 --> 00:18:44,541
I consider you as much a
part of this family as Jackie.
430
00:18:44,576 --> 00:18:45,576
Yeah.
431
00:18:46,711 --> 00:18:49,781
Let us make it up to you.
It's still Mother's Day.
432
00:18:49,815 --> 00:18:53,785
- And I have this amazing hotel room...
- That I'm paying for.
433
00:18:53,819 --> 00:18:57,789
...that is just screaming to
have a lay-day vacay, so ...
434
00:18:57,823 --> 00:18:59,356
I just stole a prescription pad.
435
00:19:02,860 --> 00:19:04,695
Whoa. 13,000 views?
436
00:19:04,729 --> 00:19:07,964
"Evil lawyer passes out" has gone viral.
437
00:19:07,999 --> 00:19:11,268
- You should quit.
- I know. I can't stop refreshing.
438
00:19:11,303 --> 00:19:13,737
No, I mean,
you should quit your job.
439
00:19:13,772 --> 00:19:16,873
You hate it anyway, right?
And life's too short, babe.
440
00:19:16,908 --> 00:19:19,209
When I was driving to the hospital,
441
00:19:19,243 --> 00:19:21,211
I was just trying
to imagine my life without you,
442
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:24,815
- and I... freaked out.
- I love you so much.
443
00:19:24,849 --> 00:19:26,082
Mm.
444
00:19:26,117 --> 00:19:27,818
You've got to stop eating
like a pregnant woman.
445
00:19:27,852 --> 00:19:29,820
If I quit my job, what am I gonna do?
446
00:19:29,854 --> 00:19:32,522
I don't know. You could
work for a good law firm.
447
00:19:32,556 --> 00:19:34,390
You know, represent honest people.
448
00:19:34,425 --> 00:19:37,860
Or I could ... I could really
focus on my legal erotica.
449
00:19:37,894 --> 00:19:42,732
Theo "legal" Eagleton has
a few more cases to prosecute
450
00:19:42,766 --> 00:19:46,869
- and a few more paralegals to "mentor."
- Whichever one you think
451
00:19:46,903 --> 00:19:49,271
would bring the most
good into this world.
452
00:19:49,306 --> 00:19:50,439
That's good.
Where'd you get this?
453
00:19:50,473 --> 00:19:52,208
I know. I snaked it off
a tray in the hallway.
454
00:19:52,242 --> 00:19:55,377
I mean, can you believe there
was only one bite taken out of it?
455
00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:57,279
Don't waste it.
456
00:19:58,314 --> 00:20:01,381
[Lady Danville's "Operating" plays]
457
00:20:13,896 --> 00:20:15,697
d So here we go again d
458
00:20:15,731 --> 00:20:18,600
d just like I said I would
for you d
459
00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:20,935
- Ooh!
- You got to catch me!
460
00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:22,771
d the mirrors in the sky d
461
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:26,407
d they show us how we lie
it's true d
462
00:20:26,641 --> 00:20:28,809
Check it out. Fred laid
us breakfast tomorr...
463
00:20:29,845 --> 00:20:30,945
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Whoa!
464
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:33,148
Chicken down. Chicken down!
465
00:20:39,855 --> 00:20:42,556
Wait! Nobody
step on the chicken!
466
00:20:42,591 --> 00:20:44,870
It's dinner tomorrow night.
467
00:20:50,805 --> 00:20:54,371
- Cher's Farewell tour.
- "Gone with the wind."
468
00:20:54,406 --> 00:20:57,140
- Dad's fake heart attack!
- Yes!
469
00:20:57,175 --> 00:21:00,377
- Good job!
- Enough! What is going on here?
470
00:21:00,412 --> 00:21:01,812
Oh. Oh.
471
00:21:01,846 --> 00:21:04,414
Are each of these a version
of "Pete's fake heart attack"?
472
00:21:04,448 --> 00:21:05,949
Except for the ones you wrote.
473
00:21:05,983 --> 00:21:08,919
Amelia Earhart?
Who the hell is that?
474
00:21:08,953 --> 00:21:12,588
I vote that we move on from
this juvenile suggestion.
475
00:21:12,623 --> 00:21:16,993
You can say anything you want ...
movies, books, TV shows,
476
00:21:17,028 --> 00:21:19,094
titles of anything,
phrases ... whatever.
477
00:21:19,129 --> 00:21:20,896
- Okay, baby. I got one.
- Okay.
478
00:21:20,931 --> 00:21:22,565
- Go, Kate!
- I got one.
479
00:21:22,599 --> 00:21:24,334
- Come on, Kate!
- Go.
480
00:21:24,368 --> 00:21:26,402
- Movie! See? Isn't this fun?
- Movie! Three words.
481
00:21:26,437 --> 00:21:29,004
- Three words.
- Okay. Uh, movie, three words.
482
00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:30,340
"Dancing with wolves."
483
00:21:30,374 --> 00:21:31,641
No, no, no! "Dancing with dogs."
484
00:21:31,675 --> 00:21:34,109
- "Hotel for dogs"!
- "My left foot"?
485
00:21:34,144 --> 00:21:36,578
- "Dad's fake heart attack: The movie."
- Yeah!
486
00:21:39,816 --> 00:21:43,331
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487
00:21:44,305 --> 00:21:50,775
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488
00:21:50,825 --> 00:21:55,375
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