All language subtitles for Trophy Wife s01e21 Back to School.eng

Mm. Now, that's how you
make a pot of coffee.

I don't know how I feel about
my husband spending a night

on the road with his first
ex-wife, adjoining hotel rooms...

suddenly, in the middle of the night,
the door cracks open.

Stop. You know I hate scary stories.

Diane is standing there

in her stiff, monogrammed
cotton pajamas,

telling you that you're
brushing your teeth wrong.

[car horn honks]

How is Hillary so excited to
spend her spring break at science

camp that she's been sitting
in the car for the past hour?

That's just the hour we know about.
I hadn't seen her since last night.

- Hey, bud.
- Oh, Kate, the lamp fell.

Bud, why are you
bringing so many clothes?

We're just gonna drop Hillary
off, come right back tomorrow.

- How many pairs of socks do you need?
- Socks!

Oh, hey, Warren.
Kate, the lamp fell.

So, Diane, are you nervous about
Hillary going away for the first time?

[laughs] Not at all. She's
incredibly independent.

She was potty-trained
at eight months. [sniffs]

[coffee pouring] I think she can
handle one week on a college campus.

You should come along, Kate.

It would be your opportunity
to finally see one in real life.

Well, I went to college, Diane, okay?
I have a degree.

I just don't announce
it every two minutes.

Well, neither do I.

If there's one thing Stanford taught me,
it's that Stanford grads

always have that famous
Stanford humility.

Oh, you can roll your
eyes all you want, Kate,

but I am not showing off.
I'm just stating a fact.

And if I were showing off,

I would tell you that I
woke up at 4:15 this morning

to reattach a floating
patella with a cadaver ligament

to an obese man.
Obese knees are the hardest.

- Okay, my car is all packed.
- Your car?

- Yeah, I thought I'd drive.
- You thought wrong. I'm driving.

Oh, and, Peter,
I can tell you have to potty,

so you might like to do so
now because I'm not stopping.

- Save me.
- You're on your own, buddy.

1x21 - "Back to School"

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

Oh, yeah.

- Ahh!
- Ahh.

- Aah!
- Yeah.

Jackie, how long have you been here?

Long enough to take off
my bra, too. Just kidding.

I never wear a bra. [grunts]

- Hey, you know I never ask for help...
- You always ask for help.

...which is how you know
that this is real important.

I'm supposed to go to my high-school
reunion tonight with Sad Steve,

but his mom
fell into a really deep coma,

which is super-tragic, obviously,

because... now I don't have a date.

Ooh, don't you hate it how some people

- just make everything about themselves?
- Oh, I know! Tell me about it.

It's, like, I don't have
anyone to go with it,

and I can't go by myself.

Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- I would go with anyone.
- Hmm.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Hmm.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

- No, I guess...
- Thank you! Oh, man!

Never would've even
dreamed of asking you,

but since you volunteered ...
no take-backs.

You're an angel in a
devil's body. I love you.

Jackie, I can't go.

- I'm babysitting Bert tonight, so ...
- Ah, don't worry.

I knew you'd use that as an excuse,
so I already lined up a babysitter.

So chop-chop.

Look at all these spices.
Ah! Meg, look.

- [chuckling] Gross.
- Tevin, it's pronounced "cue-min."

[car horn honks]

All right.
Jackie's here. I got to go.

[car horn honks]

[sighs]
Meg, Tevin, be good.

- Bert, you're in charge.
- Finally.

[car horn honks]

Oh, god,
it's gonna be a long night.

Ah. The things that you do for
your husband's second ex-wife.

- Where do you think the booze is?
- I don't know.

Man: The mighty Inca empire fell
not because of war or famine,

but because of something
far more insidious.

He's asleep.

Finally. Okay.
What's the plan?

- So, I'll take Hillary to orientation.
- Just you? Why?

Because your contribution to
our children's education ended

when they mastered
papier-m?ch? volcanos.

- I stand by their work.
- That was 10 years ago, Pete.

Ah, well, I am picking
the baton back up.

This trip, I'm gonna get
Warren excited about college.

Okay, good! Get him excited!

Get him excited enough to study now,

and maybe he won't have to go to
a college that advertises on TV.

You know, I'm glad I came.

I can't wait to meet some
of your high-school friends.

Oh, well, we were just a pack
of cards with only one joker.

[chuckles]

Oh, there's this one girl ... Marcy.

Whew! She and I used to
give each other the stuff.

- Ooh! Like drugs?
- No! No!

The business, you know?
The cheese.

The ol' back and forth.
I'd zig, she'd zag.

[laughs]

We'd be at it all day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
Drugs.

- Yeah, sometimes.
- Yeah. This is fun.

God, I'd much rather be here with you
than with Diane, the ice queen.

Ooh! Brrrr! Frosty.
[laughter]

Yeah. The only thing colder
than her heart is her ...

Aah!
[horn honks]

Aah!

Hitting a squirrel is good luck, right?

A rabbit and turtle...

go in the hole...
tie them.

Look at me. I'm Pete.
I'm a grown-up.

Look at me. I'm Kate.

Pete, have your way
with me before you die.

We're so good at this.

[gasps]

- Let's have a kid.
- That's a really big decision.

Let's do it.

Hi. I'm Adele.

Whoa.
Are we in the right house?

This is my second best friend ... Adele.

Since you guys wouldn't let
me play dress-up with you,

- I invited her over.
- I know how to count in Korean.

Hana, dul.

I can count to three in burp.

[burping]
One, two, three.

Bert: Oh, my god!
That is so cool!

You have gots to teach
me how to do that!

No problem.
Um, Meg, grab a couple of sodas.

Okay.
Oh, wait. Uh...

Kate said something about
drinking or not drinking sodas.

- Oh, she said I could.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure

- it was a list of things that were fine.
- Yeah.

When you said,
"let's go visit the bookstore,"

I got all nervous, but all that
place sold was candy and sweatshirts.

See, buddy? Isn't
college a magical place?

[laughs] I had no idea
how much it had to offer.

Like, did you see that
guy in the cafeteria?

I'm gonna need a little
more information, buddy.

He mixed like five different
cereals into one bowl.

And that other dude who put
chocolate milk into his frosty flakes?

Ha!
[imitates explosion]

Did anything non-cereal-based
capture your imagination?

- Mm...
- You know what?

It doesn't matter.

I-I-I'm excited that
you're excited to study hard now

- so one day you can go to college.
- Yeah.

But, I mean, I guess I
already have all the clothes,

and I can just put chocolate
milk in my cereal at home

now that I've learned that trick.

Is there anything more for
me to gain from this place?

- The ladies?
- Now you're talkin'.

- Right?
- Let's go find Mom and Hil. Come on.

[sighs]

Hillary: [sighs]
It is so cool to be in a room

- with kids almost as smart as me.
- Aww.

Oh, seeing you this excited

makes the car ride with
your father almost worth it.

Welcome, everybody.

To kick things off, let's
all go around the room

and say one academic achievement
we are most proud of this year.

Uh, consider the ice broken.

I am Dr. Diane Buckley,
and I have had quite a year...

- Oh, just the campers.
- Oh, yes, of course.

I was only going to introduce
my extraordinary daughter.

Thanks, Mom.
[clears throat]

Hello.
My name is Hillary Rodham Harrison,

and I had a poem published in my school's
literary magazine called "Seasons."

I'm Alex, and I was
also recently published,

in the journal of the
American Medical Association.

- Oh.
- Hi. My name is Badisha.

You probably already know
me from my T.E.D. talk.

- These kids are really smart.
- So are you.

Give a different fact.

I'd like to change my fact.

J'ai lu "Madame Bovary"
dans le Fran?ais d'origine.

Wow. You're so lucky.

I was only allowed to learn
languages of the future ...

the Mandarin, Arabic,
html, java, unix.

- It's okay.
- Excusez-moi.

[indistinct conversations]

Here's mine. Here's yours.

- Thanks so much for coming, Kate.
- "Kate Fisher"?

- They put your last name on mine.
- Oh.

I'll ... I'll just have them change it.

No, no, no. She's really slammed.
Let's not bother her.

Jackie!

Congratulations, you two.
I'll see you on the dance floor.

- Oh, thanks, Marcy. Cool.
- Okay.

- She seems really sweet.
- Yeah.

What is she
congratulating us about?

Our wedding.
I told everyone we're married.

- Married? What? Jackie!
- Yeah. Come on,

let's get a drink and
we'll talk about it later, okay?

- No, don't.
- I want us to have fun. Just ...

Jackie, not ... stop it.

Okay, let me land
or I'm moving to the front.

Okay, I'm sorry
that I didn't tell you sooner.

It just never seemed
like the right time.

Oh, really? We only spent
six hours together in a car.

There wasn't time to say, "hey, Kate,

I told everyone at the
reunion that you're my wife"?

Well, we were talking
about dream license plates.

Look, listen.
High school for me was no picnic.

I didn't have that many friends,
no one wanted to eat with me,

so I had to eat outside by myself,

which I know sounds like
a picnic, but it really wasn't.

Yeah, and remember
that billy goat Marcy,

the one who came over
gnawing on that tin can?

Yeah. She seemed nice.

- Yeah, nice ... for a donkey.
- I thought she was pretty.

Well, probably 'cause her trainer

groomed her for the reunion.
Stupid cow!

Okay, Jackie, can you just pick
an animal and finish the story?

Her and her friends were so mean to me.

They used to make fun
of me all the time,

mainly because of my mouth-breathing,

but also because I
never had a boyfriend.

And finally, I got sick of it.

- I don't know. I just came out.
- And how did that fix it?

Because it was the early '90s.

It was a great time
to pretend to be gay.

That whole P.C. thing, remember?
White people in dashikis.

- Oh, my god.
- [gasps] Oh! Is that for real?

Ah! It's me!
That's my prom photo!

Oh! Look how handsome
and cute I was, so young.

I mean, I know it wasn't my dream prom,
but hey, we can't all be Marcy,

and I get it if you
don't want to be my wife.

- That's just fine, you billy goat.
- No, you know what? I'll do it.

- Wait. What?
- Yeah. I totally understand.

Listen, none of us got out
of a high school unscathed.

- No.
- Just clear your crazy with me

- first next time, okay?
- Okay. Okay.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Now let's go show everyone
how great things turned out

for this brave, little mouth-breather.

Okay. [breathing heavily]

I'm hanging out at
college, pounding cereal,

and you take me to class?
I'm not really digging this.

But I was digging that vending
machine with the comb in it.

Hey, can I have three bucks?

You already have a comb.
And I think you might like this class.

From "Rambo" to "Bambi,"
welcome to violence in cinema.

Shut up!

Oh, oh. Sorry. Sorry.
Please continue.

[burping] Four...
five.

[laughs] Nice one!

- Full-bodied and... it smells.
- Drinking soda's so much fun.

I feel like my teeth
are getting smaller.

All right, rodents.

Mac and cheese orange,
mac and cheese white,

Dino nugget, chicken stars.

Oh, and fruit.

Come here.

So, I found where they
keep their nice wine.

Let's pop one and get weird.

Meg, we're always hanging
out with your friends.

Let's hang out with my
friends for a change.

- Bert and Adele are cool.
- They're 8.

- I'm 8 1/2.
- Ah! Sweet, Adele! I'm 31 1/2.

Yet another thing we have in common.

Have you even tried to get to know them?

- So, we're on our honeymoon in Tulum...
- And we're topless the whole time.

- E-everyone's topless.
- Yeah.

And all of a sudden, it
starts raining out of nowhere.

Oh! This one wants
avocado all of a sudden.

I'm like, "oh, no."
And she ... anyway, long story short,

we just end up making
love all night long.

- Okay. I'm gonna hit the ladies' room.
- Oh, okay.

Well, we'll just watch
that tuchus go. Mmm!

Kate!

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

- It's so nice seeing Jackie so happy.
- Mm-hmm.

It's one thing to hear about
her successful pickle business,

- but to find someone to share it with...
- Yeah.

You know, I wouldn't
even call it a business.

- "Pickle me this" is more of an empire, so...
- Yeah.

And you found yourself a
pretty sweet situation, huh?

Right.

[laughs]

- What do you mean?
- Oh, come on. Jackie told me.

She makes the money,

and you stay home
and keep it right and tight.

- Her words, not mine.
- That's my wife joking.

Joking, I mean, 'cause...
I do things.

I do things.
I do important things.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Like what?

- Oh, like what?
- Mm-hmm.

Wel... well, I can't
believe she didn't tell you.

I mean, like, today I
woke up at 4:15 A.M.,

- in the morning...
- Mm-hmm.

...to get up and go
and reattach a floating patella

with a cadaver ligament to a fat man.

Yep, and I did that because
I am an orthopedic surgeon

who went to Stanford.
That's right.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've been needing to go
pee for the past 10 minutes.

So, you know, when I hold it in...
people die.

That was so awesome!
That one guy was like...

[imitates machine gun firing]

and the other guy was like...

[imitates sword clanging]

Oh! That was so cool!

You know what? I'm gonna do
whatever it takes to get here,

even if that means studying
five hours every week.

Well, make sure
and schedule some "me" time.

I'll always have time for you.

Mwah.

Whoo! College!

Hear that?
The sound of me crushing it as a dad.

Oh, no, no. Those are mine, too.

Hillary, three plates of fries?

- Sweetheart?
- Who cares?

- Hey, sweetie, how was science...
- My life is over!

Whoop.

...camp.
How do I put this?

- Is aunt period in town?
- Oh, Peter, it was awful.

For the first time in our daughter's
life, she wasn't the smartest

person in the room, and there was
nothing I could do to help her.

Did you talk to her?
What did you say?

I froze up.
I tried to draw on personal experience,

but the only failure I
could think of in the moment

was my inability to orgasm
during the latter part of our marriage,

which is, of course,
really your failure.

I never had a chance.
You kept swatting my hand away saying,

"what's your plan?
You have no plan."

I just wish I had taught her
that it was okay to be second-best.

Well, I mean, it's not all
pickles. It's beets, it's relish.

You know, but I'm kind of thinking
of getting into the chutney game.

Excuse me. Jackie.

Oh, hey, sugar boobies.
Where you been all my life?

Kidding. We're married.
I bagged this hot, little ... ow!

- Ow! That's how I like it ... rough.
- Jackie, enough.

I do you a favor, and you
go around telling people

that I'm just your arm candy?
Do you know how that makes me feel?

I had to tell Marcy
that I was a surgeon.

Ooh! Aah! I wish you had kinda
cleared that with me first.

It's not really gonna jive with
the stories I've been telling.

Don't know too many doctors
that would slap a toll-booth operator.

- Hmm.
- What?

Jackie, you could've made me anyone.
What about a career woman?

- Oh, man.
- What? Why? What? What?

You don't think people
would believe that?

Hey, girl,
when I go to your reunion,

I'll be any kind of wife you want,
so just relax,

have a drink,
and keep looking so damn pretty.

- Know what I mean?
- Unbelievable!

What? That was a compliment.

[sighs]

Women, huh? Ugh.
You can't ... okay.

Kate, wait!

Look, I'm sorry what I said about you.

All right, I'll tell
everyone that you're a doctor.

Oh! That you were voted hottest
surgeon in Good Doctor magazine.

That's the problem, Jackie.
I'm not a surgeon, okay?

I don't even work.
I go to yoga twice a week

and I sometimes still
have Bert make me dinner.

- So? What's the big deal?
- I didn't finish college, okay?

And this morning I lied to
Diane and I told her that I did.

So you told one little
lie about college.

Big whoop. Ha!
I tricked you into being my wife,

and I just invited 10 people
to come tour my pickle factory.

But that's the point, Jackie.

I don't want to have to
lie about going to college

or being a doctor.
I want to actually do something.

Right on!

And you know what?
You shouldn't lie, either.

Because your real life is like
a hundred times more interesting

- than anybody else's in there.
- Yeah. You're right.

I am amazing.
I'm a great, straight, single lady

with a boutique pickle business
that fits right in my trunk.

- Yeah!
- It was really nice being the cool girl

- at the party, though, for once.
- You know what ... you are way cooler

than you give yourself
credit for, J-bird.

Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Aww.

- Come on, let's get outta here.
- Yeah.

- Oh, no, Jackie!
- Okay, I got to be honest with you.

You're just sending me
mixed signals all night.

- Have I?
- Yeah.

Hil, what are you talking about?

You're the smartest person
I've ever met. [scoffs]

In a year, you're gonna blow
all those kids out of the water.

- Really?
- Let me tell you about a girl I know.

That girl can do anything
she puts her mind to.

That girl is brilliant, although
she may not always realize it.

- That girl's my hero.
- Thanks, Warren.

Oh, don't interrupt me.
That girl won the Hunger Games.

- Wait. Katniss?
- Oh, yeah! Katniss.

Yeah, I knew her name
started with a "K." [chuckles]

She's so hot.
You're pretty cool yourself.

Hey, sweetie, you doing better?

- Yeah.
- You guys are good?

Hey, can we go to the "Kill Bill"
screening at the student center?

Ah, yeah. Can we?

- Yeah, sure.
- Sure. Have fun.

- Really? Okay.
- Awesome. Let's go.

- Oh, grab the fries and the ketchup.
- Oh. Aah!

- Let's go.
- Bye, you guys. Love you.

- We've got good kids.
- Yeah, we do.

I wish they had left the fries.
This is my cheat day.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a quiz to see
what kind of lover I am.

And all signs point to...

Ooh. That is a grown-up word.

Tevin: Boom! Eat feather.

I need a break.
Meg, please help me in the kitchen.

- Okay.
- Adele, tag in.

Lift me up.

[grunts]

You have got to get Tevin out of here.

- What? Why?
- He's taking over everything!

It was fun when he
burped the first 10 times,

but now the whole house smells
like white cheddar popcorn.

Oh, man, but he's having
so much fun with you guys.

And I'm always the bad guy.
This one's on you, buddy.

[groans]

I'm okay.

Kate.
I'm sorry to bother you,

but I've got this click in my knee

that really only bugs me
when I'm playing tennis.

Can you take a look at it?

Marcy, what is it you do for a living?

- Um, I'm an I.T. project manager.
- Ugh.

Well, I wouldn't ask you
to project-manage my I.T.

at a party, you know?
So, I don't think so.

And, plus, stop flirting with me, okay?
I'm taken. [chuckles]

Oh. Hi. Jackie, I thought you
were pulling the car around.

- I was, but you have the keys.
- Oh.

Plus, there's something
I want to say to her.

- What?
- Marcy, when we were in high school,

you were really mean to me,
and so I decided ...

Honey, you know what?
Sorry.

I want to dance.
This is our song.

- I don't know this song.
- Shh-shh.

Just put your hand
on my ass and pretend.

- Oh. Why did you do that?
- Because Marcy's a donkey

and I want to dance
with the cool girl at the party.

Oh!
Thank you, Kate! Oh!

Bert: There are so
many stages in life ...

kid, older kid, grown-up.

Each one is special.

It's fun to look back
on the person you were...

...and remember who you wanted to be.

But you have to look forward, too,

because most of the time,
you don't even realize

you're ready to move
on to the next chapter

until you're already there.

I guess what I'm saying is,

I think you need to find
friends your own age.

[scoffs]

Fine. Whatever!

[sniffles]

You suck at burping.

Barry white!

What a baby.

Ugh. It's 9:15.
I am gonna be useless tomorrow.

[groans]

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- Should we wake them up?
- Oh, it's 2:00 in the afternoon.

I'm sure they've gotten
their eight hours.

[whistles]
Good morning!

- Is it tomorrow now?
- Two questions.

Maybe more.
How are you still sleeping?

And why are you wearing our pajamas?

- Oh, loud!
- Meg, I told you to sleep on the pullout.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

we didn't do much sleeping, and
we definitely didn't pull ...

Okay, out! Out of the bed
so we can burn these sheets.

Why aren't you moving?
Why aren't they moving?

Let me put it this way.

You should only be half mad
at us for wearing your pajamas.

Okay. Okay.
I'm out. I'm out.

Get out!

Um, there is the matter of our payment?

Not a good time. Gotcha.

We'll talk after breakfast.

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