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1
00:00:01,809 --> 00:00:05,577
Oh, the weather outside is frightful
2
00:00:05,611 --> 00:00:09,414
but the fire is so delightful
3
00:00:09,449 --> 00:00:12,417
and since we've no place to go
4
00:00:12,452 --> 00:00:16,088
let it snow, let it snow,
let it snow
5
00:00:16,122 --> 00:00:19,591
man, it doesn't show
signs of stopping
6
00:00:19,625 --> 00:00:23,260
and I brought me
some corn for popping
7
00:00:23,295 --> 00:00:26,798
the lights are turned way down low
8
00:00:26,832 --> 00:00:30,434
let it snow, let it snow
9
00:00:30,469 --> 00:00:33,938
when we finally kiss goodnight
10
00:00:33,973 --> 00:00:37,441
how I'll hate going out in the storm
11
00:00:37,476 --> 00:00:41,445
but if you really hold me tight
12
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,615
all the way home I'll be warm
13
00:00:44,649 --> 00:00:48,119
oh, the fire is slowly dying
14
00:00:48,153 --> 00:00:51,788
and my dear, we're still goodbye-ing
[groaning, gasping]
15
00:00:51,823 --> 00:00:54,892
but as long as you love me so
Oh! Oh, my god!
16
00:00:54,926 --> 00:00:57,794
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
Oh, get up! It's Christmas day!
17
00:00:57,829 --> 00:01:01,431
What is happening?
Why am I wearing a Santa suit?!
18
00:01:01,465 --> 00:01:03,700
I don't know. I don't know. But the
kids are gonna be up any minute now.
19
00:01:03,735 --> 00:01:05,335
Why is there a dog in here?!
20
00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:08,471
I don't know. It's your house.
"Why is there a dog in here?"
21
00:01:08,506 --> 00:01:11,807
- What are you doing here?
- I don't know. What am I doing here?
22
00:01:11,842 --> 00:01:14,544
Whoa! Hangover city.
23
00:01:14,578 --> 00:01:17,380
- [gasps] Oh, wow!
- Oh, geez.
24
00:01:17,415 --> 00:01:18,781
- Okay, just don't freak out.
- What?
25
00:01:18,815 --> 00:01:20,650
Y-you're fine.
26
00:01:20,684 --> 00:01:22,752
Jackie, something terrible
has happened to your face.
27
00:01:22,786 --> 00:01:26,221
- No.
- What?! Nuh-unh!
28
00:01:26,256 --> 00:01:28,858
Oh!
They're gonna grow back, right?
29
00:01:28,892 --> 00:01:30,693
- Yeah.
- Bert: I can't wait to see what happened!
30
00:01:30,727 --> 00:01:33,062
[kids shouting]
It's the kids. Uh...
31
00:01:33,096 --> 00:01:37,466
- [gasps] Hey.
- Kate: Hey, guys.
32
00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:39,902
- Holy crap. Crap.
- Crap.
33
00:01:39,937 --> 00:01:43,472
- What happened?
- Merry Christmas.
34
00:01:43,506 --> 00:01:44,606
Merry Christmas!
35
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- Diane: Merry Christmas.
- Whoo!
36
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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
37
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1x10 - "Twas the Night
Before Christmas... or Twas It"
38
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ addic7ed.com ~
39
00:01:59,592 --> 00:02:01,122
What happened to our house?
40
00:02:02,124 --> 00:02:05,560
Oh, my stars! The tree!
41
00:02:05,595 --> 00:02:06,797
[gasps]
Look away, Bert! Look away!
42
00:02:06,832 --> 00:02:08,797
[barks, snarls]
[all scream]
43
00:02:08,831 --> 00:02:10,799
What is that?!
44
00:02:10,833 --> 00:02:12,467
He's friendly. He just
wants to get to know you.
45
00:02:12,501 --> 00:02:13,835
Come on, my little angel.
46
00:02:13,869 --> 00:02:16,170
Yeah, let's go! Let's go look
at our burning tree, guys!
47
00:02:16,205 --> 00:02:18,406
- Come on! Go! Go!
- Great job, you guys.
48
00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:20,241
What happened last night?
I mean...
49
00:02:20,275 --> 00:02:21,742
I don't remember.
50
00:02:21,776 --> 00:02:23,611
- [groans] Neither do I.
- Not a thing.
51
00:02:23,645 --> 00:02:25,813
The only other time
I've ever blacked out
52
00:02:25,814 --> 00:02:26,814
like that was from opium.
53
00:02:26,848 --> 00:02:29,817
It was in Morocco.
It was customary.
54
00:02:29,851 --> 00:02:31,284
[chuckles] I was being polite.
55
00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:34,454
Let's go back to what we do remember.
56
00:02:34,489 --> 00:02:35,923
- Oh, god.
- Ooh, yes. Good idea. Smart.
57
00:02:35,957 --> 00:02:37,791
Um, I remember I had eyebrows.
58
00:02:37,826 --> 00:02:40,327
Yeah, and I remember
I was making drinks.
59
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,695
Well, isn't that what you do every day?
60
00:02:41,730 --> 00:02:43,530
[scoffs]
61
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:45,966
{12 Hours Earlier}
62
00:02:45,967 --> 00:02:50,008
[Christmas music plays]
63
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:53,339
Mmm.
You want to see a trick?
64
00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:55,174
Sure.
65
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:58,377
That's so cool!
How do you know how to do that?
66
00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:01,881
I went to school for it ...
the Van Nuys Institute of mixology.
67
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:03,582
That's where I want to go!
68
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,352
Oh, best two weeks of my life.
69
00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:09,555
I just want to say for the record ...
Bah, humbug.
70
00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:11,390
I knew we shouldn't have
sent you to the mall.
71
00:03:11,424 --> 00:03:14,560
I saw a woman trip another woman
to get to an elmo wearing a chef's hat.
72
00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:15,727
[thud, humming]
73
00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:18,897
Oh, great.
Helene's powered up her decorations.
74
00:03:18,931 --> 00:03:22,300
You know, she added
another nativity scene.
75
00:03:22,334 --> 00:03:24,569
That's three. That's nine
wise men, if you count.
76
00:03:24,603 --> 00:03:26,571
Take it easy. She likes
to decorate for Christmas.
77
00:03:26,605 --> 00:03:29,941
You can see that house from space.
What's that smell?
78
00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:32,210
- Oh, I'm making glogg.
- Glug?
79
00:03:32,244 --> 00:03:33,979
- Glogg.
- Glag?
80
00:03:34,013 --> 00:03:36,481
- Glogg.
- What are we doing?
81
00:03:36,515 --> 00:03:37,615
It's mulled wine.
I just thought, you know,
82
00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:39,850
it's my first Christmas with you,
and I wanted to incorporate
83
00:03:39,885 --> 00:03:41,419
some of my Swedish family traditions.
84
00:03:41,453 --> 00:03:43,388
Isn't this a lot for just the two of us?
85
00:03:43,422 --> 00:03:46,324
Yeah, um...I actually
invited some people,
86
00:03:46,358 --> 00:03:47,659
uh, people you've met,
87
00:03:47,693 --> 00:03:49,894
people you may or may
not have been married to.
88
00:03:49,928 --> 00:03:54,331
Kate, we talked about this.
We have a very strict holiday rotation.
89
00:03:54,365 --> 00:03:56,567
This is our year.
We have the three kids.
90
00:03:56,601 --> 00:03:59,136
[chuckles]
No Diane and no Jackie.
91
00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:00,637
I know, Pete.
And you know what?
92
00:04:00,672 --> 00:04:03,874
364 days out of the year,
I'm totally on your side.
93
00:04:03,909 --> 00:04:06,977
But it's Christmas, babe.
Family should be together.
94
00:04:07,012 --> 00:04:10,714
Okay, fine.
We'll give them a cookie, glass of wine,
95
00:04:10,748 --> 00:04:12,882
fa la la, out the door they go.
96
00:04:12,917 --> 00:04:13,983
[sighs]
97
00:04:14,018 --> 00:04:15,652
Don't worry, scrooge.
It'll be great.
98
00:04:15,687 --> 00:04:17,787
Here. Drink up.
99
00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:19,556
See?
She was pushing that on everybody.
100
00:04:19,591 --> 00:04:23,727
W-w-what was your angle, Kate?
To get us all so drunk
101
00:04:23,761 --> 00:04:26,062
so you could stay up
and try on my louboutins?
102
00:04:26,097 --> 00:04:28,029
- Mm-hmm.
- I've seen the way you look at them.
103
00:04:28,064 --> 00:04:30,834
Ooh, ooh!
It was probably to try on my moccasins.
104
00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:32,769
Yeah, I've see the way you look at them.
105
00:04:32,803 --> 00:04:36,206
I just wanted us to
have a nice Christmas.
106
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,041
Well, I for one, hated the glogg.
107
00:04:38,075 --> 00:04:42,678
[chuckles] I love this glogg!
You have to give me the recipe, pronto.
108
00:04:42,713 --> 00:04:45,514
Oh, that's Italian for "arriba, arriba!"
109
00:04:45,549 --> 00:04:46,849
[snaps fingers, clicks tongue]
110
00:04:46,883 --> 00:04:49,285
You know, everyone's really feeling
111
00:04:49,319 --> 00:04:51,254
this family-togetherness
thing that I created.
112
00:04:51,288 --> 00:04:52,555
It really means a lot
to you, doesn't it?
113
00:04:52,589 --> 00:04:54,890
Yeah.
I mean, I never had this growing up.
114
00:04:54,924 --> 00:04:57,727
Actually, one Christmas, we only
had a picture of a Christmas tree.
115
00:04:57,761 --> 00:05:00,562
It was, like, this big.
It was really, really small.
116
00:05:00,596 --> 00:05:03,498
- Wow.
- Yeah.
117
00:05:03,532 --> 00:05:07,836
- Mom, your gingerbread house is amazing.
- Wow. Pretty sweet.
118
00:05:07,871 --> 00:05:12,007
It's a Frank Lloyd Wright,
gluten-free, and structurally sound.
119
00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:15,026
Wow. Oh, hey ... you know,
the only thing missing
120
00:05:15,027 --> 00:05:18,012
from this masterful creation
is a gingerbread doghouse.
121
00:05:18,046 --> 00:05:19,881
- Yes.
- Hint. Hint.
122
00:05:19,915 --> 00:05:22,884
- Hint. Hint.
- Well, if you do get a dog,
123
00:05:22,918 --> 00:05:25,654
you'll know Santa's real,
'Cause I'd never get you one.
124
00:05:25,688 --> 00:05:26,788
Hint. Hint.
125
00:05:26,822 --> 00:05:28,390
Jackie: [chuckles]
Can someone help me light
126
00:05:28,424 --> 00:05:31,926
the hanukkah menorah...
And the kwanzaa kinara and diwali diya?
127
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,561
My bell sleeves are a real fire hazard.
128
00:05:34,596 --> 00:05:35,963
Uh, yeah.
129
00:05:35,998 --> 00:05:38,632
You know, I'm celebrating
every holiday this season
130
00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:41,135
so Bert's less confused.
131
00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:43,805
This week is about Jesus' birthday,
132
00:05:43,839 --> 00:05:46,473
eight days of oil,
the attainment of nirvana,
133
00:05:46,508 --> 00:05:48,542
and black people being awesome.
134
00:05:48,576 --> 00:05:51,178
And don't forget that I'm
fasting for Ramadan, too.
135
00:05:51,212 --> 00:05:53,880
You do know that fasting
means not eating, right?
136
00:05:53,915 --> 00:05:56,049
It's the holidays.
I mean, I think we can afford
137
00:05:56,083 --> 00:05:57,384
to treat ourselves a little.
138
00:05:57,419 --> 00:06:00,053
It all starts to get fuzzy
after we put the kids to bed.
139
00:06:00,087 --> 00:06:03,006
Yes, I remember telling them
not to come out of their rooms
140
00:06:03,007 --> 00:06:05,926
till morning or Santa wouldn't
bring them anything over $40.
141
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,661
And then I remember Diane falling.
142
00:06:08,696 --> 00:06:10,163
- No, I didn't fall. I never fall.
- Mm-hmm.
143
00:06:10,198 --> 00:06:13,166
I remember when I learned to walk.
It was instant.
144
00:06:13,201 --> 00:06:18,004
Well, the kids are asleep,
so I guess I'd better be going.
145
00:06:18,039 --> 00:06:19,172
[thud] Ohh!
146
00:06:19,207 --> 00:06:20,907
- Oh!
- Oh! Diane.
147
00:06:20,942 --> 00:06:22,242
- Are you okay?
- Are you okay?
148
00:06:22,276 --> 00:06:23,810
Oh, no. I'm okay.
I'm okay.
149
00:06:23,844 --> 00:06:25,311
- Are you okay?
- Oh!
150
00:06:25,346 --> 00:06:27,480
[laughing] Diane, y-you're ...
you're smashed. What?
151
00:06:27,514 --> 00:06:29,915
- No, I'm ...
- You're like... "Aah!" Bam!
152
00:06:29,950 --> 00:06:31,016
[all chuckles]
153
00:06:31,084 --> 00:06:32,985
You must give me the
recipe for that glurg.
154
00:06:33,019 --> 00:06:34,420
- Glogg.
- Glurg.
155
00:06:34,455 --> 00:06:35,788
- Glogg.
- Glurg.
156
00:06:35,823 --> 00:06:37,457
- It's like "glo," glogg.
- Glurg.
157
00:06:37,491 --> 00:06:40,192
Glorg, Diane.
Glorg.
158
00:06:40,227 --> 00:06:44,997
So, it was Kate's stupid glogg
that made us like this.
159
00:06:45,031 --> 00:06:48,234
- What was in that wine?
- It was mostly raisins.
160
00:06:48,268 --> 00:06:50,502
Yes, but what was in
those raisins, Kate?
161
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:53,505
[groans]
162
00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:58,109
- What are you doing?
- I'm proving I didn't do this.
163
00:06:58,143 --> 00:07:01,680
Look.
This is all that we drank, okay?
164
00:07:01,714 --> 00:07:04,215
With some cloves and orange peel.
165
00:07:04,250 --> 00:07:06,551
- That's it.
- And this bottle of Absinthe.
166
00:07:06,586 --> 00:07:10,789
Whoa.
We danced with the green fairy.
167
00:07:10,823 --> 00:07:13,124
- This has your name written all over it.
- No, it doesn't, Diane.
168
00:07:13,158 --> 00:07:16,094
- Ah.
- Oh, it does.
169
00:07:16,929 --> 00:07:19,039
Yeah, but I don't even
know how it got here!
170
00:07:19,074 --> 00:07:21,565
Well, then how did it get in the punch?
171
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,603
- And why are you in half a Santa suit?
- And most importantly...
172
00:07:25,637 --> 00:07:30,207
[breathes shakily]
...is this who I am now?
173
00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:33,210
Guys, the dog just chewed
a hole through Bert's desk!
174
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:36,380
- Well, you said you wanted a dog.
- Not that kind!
175
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,382
Now, if you could direct
us to the presents,
176
00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:40,384
we'd like to open them, if
that's not too much trouble.
177
00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:44,088
- Yeah, I love presents.
- Sure.
178
00:07:45,123 --> 00:07:47,257
- Where are they?
- They're gone!
179
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:50,783
You mean...
[gasps]
180
00:07:50,828 --> 00:07:53,096
All: Noooooo!!
181
00:08:01,028 --> 00:08:03,729
- [sighs] Did you find them yet?
- No, but it's only been 30 seconds.
182
00:08:03,764 --> 00:08:07,467
- How about now?
- Cool your shorts, my young consumer.
183
00:08:07,501 --> 00:08:12,905
Hello? Presents?
Where are you?
184
00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:13,867
You know what?
It's fine, you guys.
185
00:08:13,888 --> 00:08:16,241
We'll just go on instagram and look
at pictures of our friends' presents.
186
00:08:16,276 --> 00:08:19,078
[both sigh]
Yeah. Let's go, Bert.
187
00:08:19,112 --> 00:08:21,988
How about you guys?
You find anything?
188
00:08:22,049 --> 00:08:24,389
- I looked everywhere.
- No, you didn't.
189
00:08:24,499 --> 00:08:27,267
You put on Kate's perfume
and danced in front of the mirror.
190
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,688
I looked everywhere.
191
00:08:28,821 --> 00:08:31,490
Let's not fight.
Remember, this is all her fault.
192
00:08:31,524 --> 00:08:33,158
What? No!
193
00:08:33,192 --> 00:08:35,661
I just wanted us all to
be together on Christmas.
194
00:08:35,695 --> 00:08:39,665
- And what's with this confetti?
- Oh, this is snow!
195
00:08:39,699 --> 00:08:42,404
Yeah, I think you were
saying you needed it for our
196
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:45,136
- winter wonderland or something.
- What?
197
00:08:46,806 --> 00:08:49,040
Okay, "winter wonderland"?
I would never say that.
198
00:08:49,041 --> 00:08:50,975
- That's so lame.
- I'm pretty sure you did.
199
00:08:51,010 --> 00:08:52,811
- Why would you shred all this?
- I didn't.
200
00:08:52,845 --> 00:08:53,978
I didn't even know we had a shredder.
201
00:08:54,013 --> 00:08:56,681
Been living here a year,
you didn't realize we had a shredder?
202
00:08:56,715 --> 00:08:58,482
And I say, again, what
does she do all day?
203
00:08:58,517 --> 00:09:00,285
Pfft!
204
00:09:02,321 --> 00:09:06,023
[gasps]
It's a winter wonderland!
205
00:09:06,057 --> 00:09:08,693
See?
Told ya you said it. Face.
206
00:09:08,727 --> 00:09:11,161
This is my case against
the botanical garden.
207
00:09:11,196 --> 00:09:14,498
Who did this?
Who did this?!
208
00:09:14,533 --> 00:09:18,535
I'm doing it!
I am shredding my files!
209
00:09:18,569 --> 00:09:21,671
- Good for you, baby.
- I'm done with the consumerism.
210
00:09:21,706 --> 00:09:23,907
If I stop making money, we're free.
211
00:09:23,942 --> 00:09:26,243
You know, bye... bye-bye, corrupt case.
212
00:09:26,277 --> 00:09:30,180
- Toodle-oo, soulless job.
- Hey, you've been singing that song
213
00:09:30,215 --> 00:09:31,181
since before we were married, sister.
214
00:09:31,216 --> 00:09:32,182
- You know what?- What?
215
00:09:32,217 --> 00:09:33,350
- I'm gonna call Doug...
- Mm-hmm?
216
00:09:33,384 --> 00:09:35,719
...right now, and I am gonna tell him
217
00:09:35,753 --> 00:09:38,955
that he does not have me to
deny climate change anymore.
218
00:09:38,989 --> 00:09:40,957
Yeah.
[ringing]
219
00:09:40,991 --> 00:09:42,925
Voicemail.
220
00:09:44,094 --> 00:09:49,232
Uh, Doug, it's Pete.
It would behoove you to call me back.
221
00:09:49,266 --> 00:09:53,069
It's 1:47 in the morning.
I'll be up for the next 48 hours.
222
00:09:53,103 --> 00:09:54,670
[laughs]
223
00:09:54,704 --> 00:09:56,973
[laughing]
Oh. That was intoxicating!
224
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,574
That was intoxicating!
225
00:09:58,608 --> 00:10:00,243
- You want a real high?
- Yeah.
226
00:10:00,277 --> 00:10:01,377
Call him back.
227
00:10:01,411 --> 00:10:05,547
[chuckling]
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
228
00:10:05,582 --> 00:10:09,551
Hey, Doug!
It's Pete! It's 1:48!
229
00:10:09,586 --> 00:10:11,720
Why didn't you call me back?!
[laughs]
230
00:10:11,755 --> 00:10:15,548
- Do it again.
- That's a good idea. [ringing]
231
00:10:15,958 --> 00:10:16,958
Doug!!
232
00:10:16,993 --> 00:10:19,595
- Oh, my god.- What?
233
00:10:19,629 --> 00:10:24,266
I called him 16 times
between 1:47 and 3:38.
234
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,101
Well, did you reach him?
Did you quit?
235
00:10:26,135 --> 00:10:27,668
[chuckles]
I-I don't know.
236
00:10:27,703 --> 00:10:30,138
Well, I tried to stop
him, but does he listen?
237
00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:31,806
[scoffs] Story of my life.
238
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:32,974
[knock on door]
239
00:10:33,009 --> 00:10:35,076
If it's Doug, I'm not here.
240
00:10:35,111 --> 00:10:37,478
Hi!
241
00:10:37,513 --> 00:10:39,014
All: Hi!
242
00:10:39,048 --> 00:10:42,316
So, I think you have my Marys.
243
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,318
What? I don't know what
you're talking about.
244
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:45,420
Aha.
245
00:10:45,454 --> 00:10:49,189
Ah! [chuckling]
They're having a tea party.
246
00:10:49,224 --> 00:10:51,258
That's frigging adorable.
247
00:10:51,293 --> 00:10:52,960
- That one. She did it.
- What?!
248
00:10:52,994 --> 00:10:54,595
Oh, don't look so surprised.
249
00:10:54,630 --> 00:10:56,697
I can't help it. Something
happened to my eyebrows.
250
00:10:56,732 --> 00:10:58,765
Hang on ... can we just go
back to what she did wrong?
251
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,101
jingle bells, jingle bells
252
00:11:01,136 --> 00:11:04,004
there are lots of bells
253
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:06,006
they're ...
Ooh. Uh, whoops.
254
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,674
Uh, uh...Okay.
255
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,709
jingle bells
256
00:11:09,744 --> 00:11:11,011
Oops. Sorry.
257
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:12,746
Ooh, shh! Sorry!
258
00:11:12,780 --> 00:11:15,515
- What are you doing!?
- Shh!
259
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:17,784
You're gonna wake the baby Jesuses!
260
00:11:17,819 --> 00:11:20,119
No! Don't shush me!
This is my house!
261
00:11:20,154 --> 00:11:22,622
I'm shush... shushing for Jesus!
262
00:11:22,657 --> 00:11:25,291
[sighs] Ohh, ugh.
263
00:11:25,326 --> 00:11:26,993
[chuckling] Oh.
264
00:11:27,027 --> 00:11:29,329
That's why I took them,
'cause it's the three of us.
265
00:11:29,363 --> 00:11:33,199
It's Kate, me, and...
the one with the dead eyes is Diane.
266
00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:34,700
Except we're definitely not virgins.
267
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:36,069
[chuckles] Ha!
268
00:11:36,103 --> 00:11:39,572
I am not even gonna ask
why the mothers of our Lord
269
00:11:39,606 --> 00:11:42,208
were eating jalape?o poppers.
270
00:11:42,242 --> 00:11:43,376
[gasps]
271
00:11:43,410 --> 00:11:46,245
Jalape?o poppers!
Bar food. Meg was here.
272
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,215
- Get the lush on the phone.
- Okay.
273
00:11:50,249 --> 00:11:51,283
[ringing] Meg: Hello?
274
00:11:51,317 --> 00:11:53,051
Meg, do you know what
happened last night?
275
00:11:53,086 --> 00:11:55,988
Are you the one who spiked
the punch with Absinthe?
276
00:11:56,022 --> 00:11:57,990
That is a criminal offense
and would be your third strike.
277
00:11:58,024 --> 00:12:00,493
That's why you guys
were acting so weird.
278
00:12:00,527 --> 00:12:02,160
I can't believe you drank
the Absinthe without me.
279
00:12:02,195 --> 00:12:04,496
I dropped it off for Kate last week
so we could drink it
280
00:12:04,497 --> 00:12:06,231
together on Christmas,
but I didn't open it.
281
00:12:06,265 --> 00:12:08,266
- Absinthe?
- Yeah, but ...
282
00:12:08,301 --> 00:12:10,068
okay, we give alcohol to
each other for Christmas
283
00:12:10,103 --> 00:12:12,204
and birthdays and bank holidays and...
284
00:12:12,238 --> 00:12:13,472
Don't forget Thursdays.
285
00:12:13,506 --> 00:12:17,009
Wow, we drink too much.
But that's not the point right now.
286
00:12:17,043 --> 00:12:19,511
Yeah, the point is I
got attacked by a coyote.
287
00:12:19,545 --> 00:12:23,882
- What?! Are you okay?
- No! I'm in the E.R. on Christmas!
288
00:12:23,916 --> 00:12:26,417
It's all...
drunk Santas and hobos.
289
00:12:26,451 --> 00:12:28,119
How did you get attacked by a coyote?
290
00:12:28,153 --> 00:12:30,822
Well, you said to come over
for the best party ever.
291
00:12:30,856 --> 00:12:32,490
[Ace of Base's "the Sign" playing]
Hello?
292
00:12:32,525 --> 00:12:34,325
is enough, enough?
293
00:12:34,359 --> 00:12:38,496
I saw the sign,
and it opened up my eyes
294
00:12:38,530 --> 00:12:39,997
I saw the si...
295
00:12:40,032 --> 00:12:44,368
life is demanding
without understanding
296
00:12:44,403 --> 00:12:46,070
I saw the sign,
and it opened up my eyes
297
00:12:46,104 --> 00:12:47,771
Oh, my god.
298
00:12:47,805 --> 00:12:49,440
I saw the sign
299
00:12:49,474 --> 00:12:51,175
no one's gonna drag you up
300
00:12:51,209 --> 00:12:54,578
or put you in the
light where you belong
301
00:12:54,612 --> 00:12:57,180
but where do you belong?
302
00:12:57,214 --> 00:13:00,116
- Not here.
- Way to bring it down.
303
00:13:00,151 --> 00:13:02,185
Well, we were having so much fun.
304
00:13:02,219 --> 00:13:04,354
I'm sorry. We sang together?
305
00:13:04,388 --> 00:13:06,523
Okay, but what does that
have to do with the coyote?
306
00:13:06,558 --> 00:13:08,991
- And I ask again, we sang together?!
- Yeah.
307
00:13:09,050 --> 00:13:11,627
And then Diane went outside
to go look for chestnuts.
308
00:13:11,662 --> 00:13:12,929
I don't know what a chestnut is,
309
00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:14,597
but I'm pretty sure they
don't grow on driveways.
310
00:13:14,631 --> 00:13:18,368
I did?
I haven't done that since I was a girl.
311
00:13:18,402 --> 00:13:21,371
Oh, we used to roast them
in front of the fire with papa.
312
00:13:21,405 --> 00:13:26,809
Chestnuts.
Chestnuts.
313
00:13:26,843 --> 00:13:31,146
Oh, I'll pick you the
finest chestnuts, papa.
314
00:13:31,181 --> 00:13:34,850
And, oh, how they'll jump
and they dance on the fire.
315
00:13:37,054 --> 00:13:42,191
Well, hello there, little thing.
316
00:13:42,225 --> 00:13:43,258
[snarls]
317
00:13:43,293 --> 00:13:47,563
Oh, my. Aren't you friendly?
318
00:13:47,597 --> 00:13:50,132
Aren't you friendly?
319
00:13:50,166 --> 00:13:54,236
I found us a dog for the kids.
320
00:13:54,270 --> 00:13:58,974
- Oh, wait, the dog is a coyote?
- My dog is a coyote?
321
00:13:59,008 --> 00:14:01,142
- I think that dog is a wolf.
- Meg: Yeah, it could have been a wolf.
322
00:14:01,176 --> 00:14:04,846
Okay, well, whatever it is, I think we
can all agree that it's a wild animal.
323
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:09,250
Come on. Come on, fella.
Outside. Go.
324
00:14:09,284 --> 00:14:11,285
Wait, why are you
getting rid of our dog?
325
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,254
That dog was a coyote.
326
00:14:13,288 --> 00:14:15,990
- It was a wolf.
- That was our only present.
327
00:14:16,024 --> 00:14:18,426
Okay, well, guys, Christmas
isn't only about presents.
328
00:14:18,460 --> 00:14:21,795
[all groan] How can you people
even be talking about presents
329
00:14:21,830 --> 00:14:24,765
when there's a seemingly
dead woman in your bathtub?
330
00:14:27,802 --> 00:14:30,271
[gasps] Mrs. Steinberg?
331
00:14:30,305 --> 00:14:32,439
Pete: What's Warren's
teacher doing here?
332
00:14:32,773 --> 00:14:36,209
- Patty!
- [gasps] I'll work the bake sale!
333
00:14:36,244 --> 00:14:37,678
[all sigh]
I knew she wasn't dead.
334
00:14:37,712 --> 00:14:39,179
Me, too. [chuckles]
335
00:14:39,213 --> 00:14:41,882
I knew she wasn't dead, either,
but I really wanted attention.
336
00:14:48,766 --> 00:14:51,167
You sure I can't get
you a robe or something?
337
00:14:51,202 --> 00:14:53,135
Oh, no, no.
I'm comfortable like this.
338
00:14:53,170 --> 00:14:55,542
So, why are you here?
339
00:14:55,577 --> 00:15:00,176
Oh, I fell asleep in your tub
after you fed me that devil juice.
340
00:15:00,210 --> 00:15:02,044
Yeah, but what happened
to your clothes?
341
00:15:02,079 --> 00:15:03,813
Oh, Peter took them.
342
00:15:03,847 --> 00:15:04,880
[gasps]
343
00:15:04,915 --> 00:15:06,348
What?
344
00:15:06,382 --> 00:15:10,285
Well, I was caroling
with my all-women's church group.
345
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:16,325
fa la la la la, la la la la
346
00:15:16,359 --> 00:15:18,293
- Whoo! Whoo!
- Good.
347
00:15:18,328 --> 00:15:21,396
Mrs. Steinberg? Come
in. Have a drink with us.
348
00:15:21,431 --> 00:15:24,065
I-I think she meant just me.
349
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,735
I'll meet you at the
chuns' prayer circle.
350
00:15:26,769 --> 00:15:29,904
- [chuckling] Kate! Look at this!
- Oh, my god! Pete! That's a great idea!
351
00:15:29,939 --> 00:15:32,841
I know. I know.
It's the case I've been working on.
352
00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:35,844
Oh, we can make a winter
wonderland for the kids! Oh!
353
00:15:35,878 --> 00:15:38,179
- You know what you need?
- What?
354
00:15:38,214 --> 00:15:39,513
An elf!
355
00:15:39,548 --> 00:15:43,317
Wait... this was my idea?!
356
00:15:44,886 --> 00:15:47,521
Do I look like an elf yet?
357
00:15:47,556 --> 00:15:49,857
Almost. They're ju...
they're just a little uneven.
358
00:15:49,891 --> 00:15:51,659
- Make yours a little shorter.
- Okay.
359
00:15:51,693 --> 00:15:54,995
Oh. No, you made it too short.
360
00:15:55,029 --> 00:15:56,731
Now I have to make mine shorter, too.
361
00:15:56,765 --> 00:15:59,400
Okay, make sure you get it right
because the eyebrows are the curtains
362
00:15:59,434 --> 00:16:03,232
- to the windows of the soul.
- Okay.
363
00:16:03,805 --> 00:16:05,939
[gasps]
364
00:16:05,974 --> 00:16:09,009
- They're gorgeous!
- Yow!
365
00:16:09,043 --> 00:16:11,344
We just created the
perfect Christmas moment!
366
00:16:11,379 --> 00:16:12,913
Let's ... let's take a picture.
367
00:16:12,947 --> 00:16:15,448
- No.
- Yes! Come on, Diane, be fun.
368
00:16:15,483 --> 00:16:16,449
- Diane.
- Okay, okay, okay.
369
00:16:16,484 --> 00:16:19,119
- Okay, here.
- I got it. I got it.
370
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:20,453
Oh, hang on.
371
00:16:20,488 --> 00:16:23,290
Meg, can you watch my
little puppy, please?
372
00:16:23,324 --> 00:16:25,191
- Come on.
- Okay.
373
00:16:25,225 --> 00:16:27,794
You know, he looks
a little like a coyote.
374
00:16:27,828 --> 00:16:30,029
He looks a lot like a coyote.
375
00:16:30,063 --> 00:16:31,204
- Here we go. Here we go.
- Squish in.
376
00:16:31,209 --> 00:16:33,152
- Okay. - Ow.
- [sighs] Okay.
377
00:16:33,246 --> 00:16:34,967
See? I think the three of
us could be great friends.
378
00:16:35,002 --> 00:16:36,635
I really do.
[chuckles]
379
00:16:36,670 --> 00:16:38,971
[camera beeping]
380
00:16:39,006 --> 00:16:40,206
Why isn't it going?
381
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,208
Why isn't it going?
382
00:16:42,242 --> 00:16:44,110
It's ... it's ... it's coming.
It's coming.
383
00:16:44,144 --> 00:16:45,444
[camera shutter clicks]
384
00:16:45,478 --> 00:16:47,113
[flames whoosh]
Cheese!
385
00:16:47,147 --> 00:16:48,347
[all screaming]
386
00:16:48,381 --> 00:16:50,349
- It's on fire!
- Fire!
387
00:16:50,383 --> 00:16:52,284
Oh, my god!
That dog bit me!
388
00:16:52,319 --> 00:16:53,852
Get it out! Get it out!
389
00:16:53,886 --> 00:16:55,187
Fire! Fire!
390
00:16:55,221 --> 00:16:58,824
- We're so unprepared for this!
- Ho, ho ...
391
00:16:58,858 --> 00:17:00,359
[screams] Fire!!
392
00:17:00,393 --> 00:17:02,328
[indistinct shouting]
393
00:17:02,362 --> 00:17:04,363
Kate, open the door!
394
00:17:04,397 --> 00:17:07,532
- Okay! Okay!
- Open the door! Open the door!
395
00:17:07,566 --> 00:17:09,201
- Get it out!
- Open the door!
396
00:17:09,235 --> 00:17:12,437
Open it! Open it!
Aah!
397
00:17:12,471 --> 00:17:14,873
Suit is melting!
Hands are hot!
398
00:17:14,907 --> 00:17:16,908
[grunts]
399
00:17:19,178 --> 00:17:22,147
I still don't understand how
I got into your Santa suit.
400
00:17:22,181 --> 00:17:25,050
We were talking about
how you were sick of
401
00:17:25,051 --> 00:17:27,318
- making so much money.
- What?
402
00:17:27,353 --> 00:17:30,154
your hospitality
403
00:17:30,188 --> 00:17:34,158
Oh. So, um, why do you
want to quit your job?
404
00:17:34,192 --> 00:17:37,995
Because crass materialism is
the worst part of Christmas.
405
00:17:38,029 --> 00:17:40,097
You want to know the
worst part of Christmas?
406
00:17:40,131 --> 00:17:42,766
Crass materialism.
I just said that.
407
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,469
No, it's when the kids
stop believing in Santa.
408
00:17:45,503 --> 00:17:50,007
Year after year, I see the kids stop
believing in the magic of Christmas.
409
00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:52,843
Childhood is over, and
fresh-faced innocence
410
00:17:52,878 --> 00:17:56,803
is replaced by more pornography
than you can shake a stick at.
411
00:17:56,908 --> 00:18:00,450
Someday, Bert's not gonna
believe in Santa anymore.
412
00:18:00,485 --> 00:18:02,770
- That's the truth.
- Mrs. Steinberg, I'm
413
00:18:02,771 --> 00:18:05,321
gonna have to ask you
to take off your clothes.
414
00:18:11,696 --> 00:18:13,562
Show time.
415
00:18:17,634 --> 00:18:20,103
Ho! Ho! Ho!
416
00:18:20,137 --> 00:18:26,575
Santa?
Is that really you?!
417
00:18:26,610 --> 00:18:27,911
- Bye-bye! Bye.
- Bye, guys!
418
00:18:27,945 --> 00:18:29,412
Kids: Bye, Mrs. Steinberg!
419
00:18:29,446 --> 00:18:31,079
- Bye, Diane!
- L'chaim to us all!
420
00:18:31,114 --> 00:18:33,416
Bye-bye! Thank you!
421
00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:35,250
[sighs]
422
00:18:35,285 --> 00:18:36,291
So, what's the deal
with the presents?
423
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:38,387
Yeah? I mean, it feels like
we're being punished
424
00:18:38,422 --> 00:18:39,922
for something we didn't do.
425
00:18:39,956 --> 00:18:42,257
Come on, guys. Christmas
isn't just about presents.
426
00:18:42,292 --> 00:18:45,227
- It's about memories.
- But you can't remember anything.
427
00:18:45,261 --> 00:18:47,862
About yesterday, but today,
we had a lot of great memories.
428
00:18:47,897 --> 00:18:51,866
We made snow, we got to hang out
with a very coyote-like wolf.
429
00:18:51,901 --> 00:18:55,304
- [laughter] And I saw Santa!
- Yeah, and Bert saw Santa.
430
00:18:55,338 --> 00:18:58,206
So, I just want to say...
431
00:18:58,241 --> 00:19:01,609
thank you, Kate, for
bringing us all together.
432
00:19:01,644 --> 00:19:06,681
Pete: You know, as I sit here,
I can't help but think that...
433
00:19:06,715 --> 00:19:09,216
we have so much to clean up.
434
00:19:09,251 --> 00:19:14,956
[chuckles] I think it's nice.
It finally feels like Christmas.
435
00:19:14,990 --> 00:19:18,125
- Hey, what's that smell?
- [sniffs] Warren.
436
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,994
[sighs]
Smells more like Hillary.
437
00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:21,929
- What?!
- It smells like burnt plastic.
438
00:19:24,232 --> 00:19:27,201
- What is going on?
- What is that smell?
439
00:19:27,235 --> 00:19:29,870
Bert: Oh, a bike!
440
00:19:29,904 --> 00:19:31,672
Santa was here!
I knew it!
441
00:19:31,706 --> 00:19:34,475
Yes, he was, son.
Yes, he was.
442
00:19:34,509 --> 00:19:38,279
We wish you a Merry Christmas
443
00:19:38,513 --> 00:19:40,381
We wish you a Merry Christmas
444
00:19:40,515 --> 00:19:43,417
We wish you a Merry Christmas
445
00:19:43,551 --> 00:19:47,253
and it's so high up here
446
00:19:47,288 --> 00:19:49,690
Well, we found the presents.
447
00:19:49,724 --> 00:19:52,092
I mean, the bike looks
pretty salvageable.
448
00:19:52,126 --> 00:19:54,560
Santa brought me a bike
because I was a good boy.
449
00:19:54,595 --> 00:19:56,262
I worked hard in school,
I showered every day,
450
00:19:56,297 --> 00:19:58,198
and I helped Kate
with her party juice.
451
00:19:58,232 --> 00:19:59,699
- Wait, what?!
- Come again?
452
00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:01,701
- What?
- I showered every day.
453
00:20:01,735 --> 00:20:04,670
- Well, almost every day.
- No, no, no. The other part.
454
00:20:17,985 --> 00:20:21,121
It wasn't me
it wasn't me
455
00:20:21,155 --> 00:20:22,222
You hear that, ladies?
456
00:20:22,256 --> 00:20:24,224
- I didn't do it!
- Congratulations, Kate.
457
00:20:24,258 --> 00:20:27,359
And, oh, thank you so much
for being so helpful Bert.
458
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,528
[cellphone ringing]
Yes, thank you, Bert.
459
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:30,863
Oh, god.
460
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:31,864
- What?
- It's Doug.
461
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:35,601
Doug! Hey, listen, I ...
462
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:41,240
Yes. I would love to come to
work on Christmas day. Yeah.
463
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,741
I didn't quit.
464
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,976
- He didn't quit!
- I didn't quit my job!
465
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,311
He didn't quit!
It's a Christmas miracle!
466
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:47,746
Yay! Hallelujah!
467
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:49,114
Well, I'm gonna go look for the coyote.
468
00:20:49,149 --> 00:20:51,515
- You should come.
- Uh, it's a wolf. Be careful.
469
00:20:57,377 --> 00:21:01,013
I saw the sign,
and it opened up my eyes
470
00:21:01,047 --> 00:21:04,216
and I am happy now
living without you
471
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:07,051
I left you,
oh, oh-oh-oh
472
00:21:07,085 --> 00:21:11,055
I saw the sign,
and it opened up my eyes
473
00:21:11,089 --> 00:21:12,624
I saw the sign
474
00:21:12,658 --> 00:21:13,958
no one's gonna drag you up
475
00:21:13,992 --> 00:21:17,295
to get into the light
where you belong
476
00:21:17,330 --> 00:21:20,865
I saw the sign
I saw the si-i-gn
477
00:21:20,899 --> 00:21:22,033
I saw the sign
478
00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:23,701
I saw the sign
479
00:21:23,735 --> 00:21:27,070
I saw the si-i-gn
480
00:21:27,104 --> 00:21:28,989
I saw the sign
481
00:21:28,990 --> 00:21:33,877
I saw the sign
I saw the sign
482
00:21:33,911 --> 00:21:38,882
and it opened up my eyes,
I saw the sign
483
00:21:38,916 --> 00:21:40,884
Whoo!
Nailed it!
484
00:21:41,052 --> 00:21:44,661
sync & correction by f1nc0
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485
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,091
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486
00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:52,691
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