All language subtitles for Trophy Wife s01e09 Morrison.eng

[birds chirping, Pete coughing]

Pete?

[groans]

- I think I'm sick.
- Did you sleep in here all night?

I didn't want to get you sick.
Plus, I needed to be near a toilet.

- And now we're married.
- What time is it? [sighs]

I have to chaperone Warren's field trip.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[coughs]

Yep. Fever.
You're not going anywhere.

You could wipe out an
entire class of sophomores.

Nobody cares about sophomores.

No, get back in your
germ tub, all right?

[groans] You're staying here.
I'll go on the field trip.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

Oh, one more thing ...
Diane is also chaperoning.

- Are you smiling?
- Uh, what?

- Did you just smile?
- Well, maybe a little.

[chuckling] Oh. I-I ... I've been
wanting to get out of it for weeks.

I just didn't know how until to...

What are you doing?
Are you calling a doctor?

No, uh, a healer.

Hi. Jackie, it's Kate.

- No.
- Listen, Pete's not feeling very well today.

- Could you come by and check on him?
- No.

No. [groans]
I'm sorry I smiled.

I take the smile back. Come on.

Oh, of course you can
put leaves in our juicer.

Bye.
[telephone beeps]

I see your Diane,
and I raise you a Jackie.

Can someone come in and kill me?

1x09 - "Russ Bradley Morrison"

sync & correction by f1nc0
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You excited about the field trip?

[chuckles] Yeah, it's fake school.

And I saved up all my
allowance for the gift shop.

What do you want to
buy at the gift shop?

Aw, gee, I don't know, Kate.

Oh, how about a whistle that
makes you sound like a frog?

Ahh. Are you excited?

Yeah, I get to yell at kids
and hang out with your mom...

for eight hours... in a museum.

You're worried about her making
you feel stupid, aren't you?

Oh. Well, thanks, Warren.
I hadn't thought of that angle.

Sometimes I just wish she
were a little... nicer to me.

- Maybe she needs to get some.
- Warren!

[gasps]
[tires screech]

[horns honk]
[sighs] That's a great idea.

But you shouldn't be saying that.

Oh, look, Kate, we're both
adults here, and I think it's

common knowledge that when
people get some, they relax.

Yeah. I know.

I'm just surprised to hear you
talk about your Mom having sex.

That's what "get some" means?

What'd you think it meant?

I don't know ... get
some chips, a blanket,

whatever makes you happy.

you know, "get some..."
fill in the blank.

Warren, it means "sex,"
and that's okay.

You know, when ...
when people are getting it

on the regular, they chill out.
And frankly, your idea's a good one.

- Your Mom needs to get some...
- Sex.

- Exactly.
- She needs to get some sex...

- All right. [clears throat]
- ...with another man.

Hey, everything okay, Bertie?

- Can you sign Dad's signature?
- Now, that depends.

Is it for a field trip or
because you're in trouble?

- Trouble.
- Then no.

- Then field trip.
- [sighing] Okay, what did you do?

"Bert has had to sit out
of recess two days in a row

for interrupting class
with excessive silliness."

- What were you doing?
- Nothing. Just reading quietly,

sometimes a little
dancing, a few Bertwheels.

Bertwheels? They're like
cartwheels but with screaming.

Ms. Wickersham's your teacher, right?

- Yeah.
- She was my teacher. [chuckles]

She adores me.
Your big sister's gonna hook you up.

Yay!

[screaming]

- What are you doing?
- Bertwheels! [continues screaming]

Whoa. Look who hit the wall real hard.

Wow, I'm glad I sold high.
[sniffs] Ohh. Ew. Okay.

- Perfect.
- I am not drinking that.

Okay.
So, here's the deal. Cool?

This is gonna go in
you, one hole or another.

I choose mouth.

- If I drink this, you'll leave?
- Uh, yeah. Mm.

More. More. More.
[gulping]

Mm. Bye-bye.

I have to stay and check
your pupils in an hour ...

make sure I used the
right kind of mushroom.

- Right kind of mushroom?
- Yeah.

- Give me that.
- No talking. Okay?

'Cause you need to rest.

[indistinct talking]

Diane: They crossed the land bridge,
and they came and settled here.

So you've got 5 minutes to go look
at the Mongolian structure, okay?

- Hi, Diane. So ...
- Kate, good. This is what I need ...

"A" kids should be coming out
of the hall of birds right now.

Then we'll send half
of them up to the whales

and the other half down to
the Asian tapestries, okay?

- Okay. [chuckles]
- Good.

- So, how was your weekend?
- Anyway, I just went to the bathroom,

so now's a good time for you to go.

Then we will round up group "B,"
check the work sheets,

make sure they're not cheating,

- and I will eavesdrop on group "C".
- Eavesdrop?

Yes, Kate, 90% of
chaperoning is prevention.

Jacob wanted to feel up... a dinosaur.

My eavesdropping prevented that,

and now he is going
home on the early bus.

- Speaking of feeling up ...
- Shh.

Teenagers. Eavesdropping.

Oh, hey, Diane.
Look at those two lovebirds, huh?

Even all those hundreds
of... thousands of...

so long ago, love conquered all.

You know? I mean, look...
look at her face.

She's so happy and satisfied and ...

- Kate.
- Yeah?

Go to the bathroom.
[cellphone rings]

- Phone.
- Group "C." [whistles]

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, it's me. I'm on the house phone.

I don't have a lot of time.
I'm ... I'm really in trouble here.

I need you to come
home and get Jackie ...

- [click] Kate?
- Pete?

Kate? Hello?

What did I say about
not talking to anybody?

- I was just calling Kate.
- Well, don't do it again,

'cause you need your rest, silly.
Hmm?

[humming sound]
[door hinges creak]

[lock clicks loud]
[gasps]

- What is a herbivore?
- Kate: Hey. Warren.

- Oh, we ... we were working in groups.
- Here. Go wrap this up.

- Thanks, man.
- Okay, listen.

How good are you at matchmaking?

- Who are we making match?
- Your mom.

- My mom?
- Yeah. You cool with this?

[chuckles] Yeah, sure. It'll kill some
hours before we go to the gift shop.

Man: Thank you for playing with us.

Look at this. TV.

An electronic book? Ugh.

Don't you realize all this modern crap

is the reason that
you're sick to begin with?

Or maybe it's because my
secretary sneezed in my eye.

Oh, yeah. You rat-racers
with your 80-hour work weeks.

Look at me ... I work 5 hours a week,
and I've never been sick.

Jackie, I really think you should go.
I don't want to get you sick.

Oh, did you not hear
what I said? [coughs]

I said I have never been sick.

Ugh.
You know what you need?

[groans]
You need a nice tight swaddle.

No, please. Don't swaddle.
I want to move.

- There we go. [grunts]
- Jackie.

- Back to the womb for you.
- [strained] Jackie.

Oh, there has got to be
something in the water here,

'cause, Ms. Wickersham,
you have not aged a day.

It's so nice to see you.
What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, just walking
my little brother to school.

I'm her brother from
another mother... and father.

My sister told me how
much you love cupcakes,

- so we made you some.
- Yes, and from scratch. [chuckles]

- No biggie.
- Very thoughtful.

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Warren: Kate. This is Leigh.

He loves travel, Japanese
culture, and Ayn Rand.

He's kind of the perfect man for my Mom.

- I am not a man.
- Yeah. Sorry.

Bummer.
I mean, she was perfect.

Sarah, Seth, Stuart, you're a table.

Tara, Tracey, Victor, you're a table.

But I want to sit
with Madison and Alexa.

You have no leverage here.
Sit down.

- Walk, please.
- Walk, please.

[clears throat]

Hi. I'm Kate. Also a chaperone.

Oh.
Russ Bradley Morrison.

Oh.
Brady Ross Morrison's father?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

Well, don't let me keep
you from your... sssandwich?

Nope, that's just two
pieces of bread and ketchup.

May I join you?

I think it's more efficient
if the chaperones spread out, don't you?

Yeah, totally.
So, Russ, what do you do for a living?

- M and A.
- Mixed martial arts?

- Mergers and acquisitions.
- Wow. Also cool. [chuckles]

And does that leave
time for any hobbies?

- I row.
- Great. Wow. Cool.

And, uh ... and does
your wife row ... row?

I'm divorced.

My ex-wife thought I was too
high-achieving and intense.

[chuckles]

That's perfect. Hmm.

Yes!
[sighs]

Sorry, looks like we're going
in a different direction.

This is Oscar, our Colombian mammoth.

Wouldn't want to run into one
of these guys in a dark alley.

- He might eat you.
- Highly doubtful.

Uh, Colombian mammoths were herbivores

that consumed up to 300
pounds of vegetation a day.

- Well, I'll definitely check on that.
- Okay. You go check.

[clears throat] Hey, Diane.

- Hmm?
- Sorry to interrupt your eavesdropping.

- Get this.
- Mm-hmm.

- So, I'm chaperoning my brains out, okay?
- Oh.

And I meet this other parent who
seems like a really great guy.

Cute and single.

- Do you know Russ Bradley Morrison?
- No, and I don't want to.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

'Cause I feel like you two
would really hit it off.

Ohh, Kate. Is all the
world a sex club to you?

Go pimp someone else, please.

[sighs]

How did you escape, little boo?

I'm going to the Doctor. [coughs]

No, no.
You are in no condition to drive ...

not after what I put in your system.

You said the smoothie was all herbal.

It was, but I put an assload
of codeine in your tea.

That's ridiculous. I'm going.

Whoa! [grunts]

I'm okay. Totally fine.

[groans]
[sighs]

- Oh.
- Get back in bed.

[sighs]
[grunts]

- Bert, here's your quiz.
- Thank you, and may I say you look

- as old as you did this morning?
- Thank you.

Would you like some
more homemade cupcakes?

Or half my sandwich from lunch ...
it's cream cheese and jelly.

Bert, are you doing all this 'cause you

don't want me to keep
you out of recess again?

Yes, Hillary told me to.

And you're smart, and your
eyes sparkle like the ocean.

All you have to do
to get recess back

is control body and keep
the Bertwheels outside.

You don't have to be such a suck-up.

- What's a suck-up?
- Your sister.

I shouldn't have said that.

This conversation never happened.

What conversation?

What?
She actually said that?

Yeah, but this
conversation never happened.

[sighs]

She called me a suck-up?

[sighs]

Where are you going?

I am going to give Ms. Wickersham
a piece of my mind...

and bring her this apple.

[clears throat]

- Hey, Diane.
- Oh.

Uh, me and Warren were
gonna go roam around.

You should come with.

And give up my place in
line for the orchid pavilion?

[chuckles]

Thanks for the comedy
entertainment, Kate.

The orchid pavilion?

Oh, it is the centerpiece of
this museum, and they only let

in a few people at a time to
maximize the tranquil beauty.

- Okay.
- Mm. Go.

Back of the line.
Go ahead.

[whispers] Warren, we have got to
get your mom and Russ

Bradley Morrison into the
orchid pavilion together.

- Okay.
- Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

- Chicka-chicka-boom.
- Ooh, yeah!

- What are we ... singing?
- Never mind. Just ... where's our man?

Oh, right there.

Oh, no. They'll never
get in at the same time.

Oh, uh, I'm way ahead of you.
Watch me crank up the rumor mill.

Hey, guys. Guys.

There's gonna be a fight in the
pleistocene room. Pass it on. Hey, guys.

There's gonna be a fight
in the pleistocene room.

Pleistocene room.
Let's go. Come on.

Let's go. Fight. Fight. Fight. Yeah.

Boy: Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Get on it.

[indistinct conversations]

Thank you.

Kate: Oh.
[clears throat]

- Thank you.
- Enjoy the exhibit.

[indistinct distorted voices]

[Pete panting]

Help.

[door hinges creak]

[distorted applause]

- [distorted] A man.
- [distorted] How are you out of bed?

[normal voice] There was
enough codeine in that tea

to knock a bear out.

Who are these people?
What are they doing in my house?

There's no people.
That's a hallucination.

So, go back to sleep.

- Sleep.
- Sl...

I command it. Sleep.

[insects chirping, water running]

Mm.

Kate: That's right,
Russ Bradley Morrison.

You know you like what you see.

Russ: In the middle ages, orchids
were considered an aphrodisiac,

but the only thing
turning me on in this room

are the curves of your pantsuit.

Kiss me like you did at
the Indian Heritage Museum.

Behind the Potawatomi lodge?
[chuckles]

Mm. [chuckles]

Oh, my god!

Diane: [gasps]

Wh... what's going on?

- You know him!
- Uh, no. No. I don't.

Here we go again.
Unbelievable.

She does know me.
She knows me very well.

She's been to my condo...

because we've been seeing
each other for two years.

Ugh.

I am not a cheap museum booty call.
I'm a man, Diane.

[sighs]

- Russ Bradley.
- It's over.

Oh, I'm sorry.
We only open this door every 10 minutes

to provide the proper, uh,
humidity for the orchids.

So you've got 6 minutes.

Well, I don't know about you,

but I sure learned a
ton about orchids today.

How dare you meddle
in my personal affairs?

Diane, I was just trying to help.

I mean, I thought you'd
get along with him,

which apparently you
did... for two years!

I mean, can we just acknowledge
here ... I nailed it.

Do they not teach tact
in trade school?

You just destroyed my relationship,
Kate. What were you thinking?

- Diane, I ...
- No, no, no, no, no.

I really want to know.

I want to understand and study you

the way I would study a caveman.

Oh. Well, to be totally
honest, I just thought

that if you were getting
some... companionship,

that maybe you would be nicer to me.

I see.
If I got laid, I might relax.

Well, not in those words.

We might be friends, even,
if I just got

a little roll in the
hay on a regular basis.

- Definitely not in those words.
- Oh, god.

Why would you keep your
relationship a secret?

I mean, it's not like you're
running for office. [gasps]

Oh, my god, are you running for office?

Let me spell something
out for you, Kate.

I succeed at everything I do.

I had one failure ... my marriage.

I kept this relationship private
because... it's my business.

- Ohh, I get it.
- Mm-hmm.

And maybe if it didn't work out,

no one would have to
know that you failed.

When I want to know how
much milk to put in a latte,

I'll ask you, and until
then, dear, no advice, please.

I was never a barista.

Never a barista.
Don't even like coffee.

What the hell is a goals group?

G.O.A.L.S. ...

"goal-oriented adult lady
entrepreneurs-s-s" ...

G.O.A.L.S.

We're basically a business support
group of women of a certain age

who haven't yet gone through menopause.

See, we help each
other achieve our goals

through encouragement and
repetition and repetition.

- Do any of you people have jobs?
- We have goals.

My goal was to finish what I started.

So, when I agreed to take care of you
and nurse you back to health,

I didn't let anything get in my way.

You didn't nurse me back to health.
I'm sicker than I was before.

Oh, you're right, Jackie.
He's really negative.

- I mean...
- Uh, nobody ... nobody asked you.

Jackie, y-y-you
trapped me in my bed.

You cut me off from the outside world.

You drugged me.
Th-this is like the plot of "misery."

You know what?
I think you're being a little dramatic,

because what I did ... what Jackie did

is rearranged her entire schedule, okay?

And I'd like a little
bit of gratitude. Goals.

Together: Goals. Goals.
Goals. Goals. Goals.

Goals? You know what?
You ... you want to know my goal?

I want all of you out of
my house in 10 seconds,

- or I'm gonna sneeze, scratch, cough...
- Woman: Ew. Ugh.

...wheeze, and lick every one of you.

All: Ugh.

I'm changing the locks,
filling in the crawl space,

- and boarding up the dog door.
- Well, that...

[door slams]
...won't help!

Hillary: This will only
take a minute, Nancy.

At first, I was offended
that you called me a suck-up,

but on the ride over here,
I realized something.

What you call a "suck-up"
I call a "go-getter."

So I am going to keep go-getting,

because it is going
to go-get me places.

First, it's going to
go-get me into college,

and then it's going to
go-get me into law school,

and finally, it's
going to go-get me a job

clerking for supreme court
justice Sonia Sotomayor,

so suck up on that!

[sighs]

By the way, this is for you.
It's organic.

Kate: So, your mom's mad,
and it's kind of my fault.

And I really wish I could talk
to her, but she won't listen.

[sighs] That bites. Can I get some
money for some astronaut ice cream?

Come here.

- Why?
- Shh.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

Warren, I know what you're afraid of.

- Scissors.
- Failure.

Mm.

Don't let trying to be perfect
get in the way of you being happy.

I mean, sure, you can play it safe
and never put yourself out there,

but all that really is, is you
just being afraid, you know?

Everything great that's
ever happened in my life

has been because I've been
willing to fall on my face.

You're right.
You know what?

From now on, I'm not gonna focus
so much on being so perfect.

You're welcome.
Go play.

Man: Excuse me?
And now today's planetarium show,

entitled
"Math: The building block of space."

[girl applauds]

Diane: Excuse me?

Um, before we begin,
uh, there is something I'd like to say.

[clears throat]

Do you see that man?

I know that man.

I know him and have talked to him.

And... I enjoy talking to him.

And I hope to talk to him again
sometime in the future.

Thank you.

Boy: I don't know.
[indistinct conversations]

That was beautiful.
You did great.

- [clears throat] What?
- Thank you for your help... Warren.

Huh?

- I want you.
- Take me.

Ew.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

- What?
- [chuckles] It's official.

- There's no life on Mars.
- When will they ever learn?

I could have told them that years ago.

[chuckles] Duh.

[both laughing]

[both sigh]

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