All language subtitles for Together s01e03 Cupid.eng

Happy birthday.

Oh, Hermione, that's loads.

Got if off my dad.

That money has basically
nothing to do with me.

Oh, it's very thoughtful all the same.

Meh. By the way, I didn't
get that rent payment.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I'm overdrawn -- those school posters
aren't selling as well as I'd hoped.

Yeah... OK.

Good girl.

I suppose if we're going
to start nailing stuff,

the birthday is not a bad
place to make my debut.

I'm actually quite good
at this stuff, really.

You want fig and orange blossom
perfume? Well, I'm sorry, love,

you're going to bloody get fig
and orange blossom perfume.

Your card's declined.

OK, don't love this new element.

Um, can you try it again, please?

I've tried it twice. It's declined.

I think you're too poor.

I understand the system.

Sorry, I had my suspicions, but
I didn't want to say anything.

Thank you for your tact(!)

I'm seeing her tonight, Maeve,

I've told her I'm going
getting her a birthday treat.

What am I going to do?

Oh, brainwave -- what about
the bottle just sans juice?

- Empty?
- Yeah.

Oh, I mean, do you -- I'm
thinking on my feet here --

but do you have the recipe?

You know, cos we could
easily source some oranges.

- Waitrose do figs.
- Ah, now we're talking.

We don't have a recipe.

What about all this guff, then?

You can't use it now and I bet I
can find something to dong in there.

- The packaging?
- Yeah.

There is a queue...

.. of people behind you who actually
care about the art of parfum.

Parfum?

- Parfum.
- Parf...

Parfum. (I don't know what that means.)

Just calling my mum.

Foster mum.

Yeah, thanks.

Been a bit homesick, to be honest.

You can borrow my Diptyque
candles if you like.

We had very different upbringings.

Just thought... How are you
going to have a nice birthday

when you've got your court
hearing later for road rage?

The thought had occurred.

Jesus Christ...

Sorry, love. Alex was just
trying to waterboard Marcus.

What? Where did he learn how to do that?

Oh, it's not his fault, love,
he's just got issues with violence.

Well, he's not got enough issues
with it, he absolutely loves it.

Happy birthday!

How are you, my love?

I'm good, thanks. Shall I?

Yeah, go on, then.

No way! Oh, thanks, Mum!

Cheese!

Oh, death! I forgot to
send your bubble wrap.

Oh, that doesn't matter.

No, kill me dead, I'm a terrible mother.

- Foster mother.
- It doesn't matter, honestly.

What's the bubble wrap?

- Oh. You remember Hermione, Mum? - No.

You've got some toast on your chin.

- Have I?
- Disgusting.

So that's her.

It's just tradition. I always liked
popping it when I was younger.

But it doesn't matter, honestly.

I must say, I've been
missing you at the moment.

Aw. Is London grinding you down?

No, I just miss...

Oh, Jesus Christ. Sounds
like he got into the garage.

.. oh, you know, your
special birthday lasagne...

If he sniffs that weed killer again,
we're all in for a rough ride.

She'll be back in a sec.

Tom's getting me a birthday
surprise later. Seems quite keen.

We'll just wait for her to come back.

She's not coming back, Ellen.

She is ditsy, Hermione,
but she's not that ditsy.

SINGS:
When I was a youth I
used to bung kali weed in a Rizla

Oh, God!

I'm an idiot.

- See?
- Homes Under The Hammer!

Marcus!

You're just going to sit and
watch your fake mum watch TV?

Just for a bit.

Money.

So what are you going to do, then?

Just find a good time to
tap Mum and Dad for cash.

Oh, she deserves a nice pressie, Maeve.

She's homesick and she's
very, very pretty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch your step, chief!

What's going on here?

Look at the floor. Hmm.

Look at the floor.

It's currently playing
host to a herd of snails.

Well, not a herd.

I'm looking after these snails.

They get crushed every year
and it's a bloody genocide.

Ooh.

Woo!

Now, George is having another
crack at Theresa May.

I look forward to that
ensuing mating dance.

Not!

HE LAUGHS

Hmm, she's incredibly frigid, Tom.

Just refuses to put out,
it's actually quite annoying.

Because you want to watch
the snails have sex?

Oh, very dry, Maeve, very dry.

Yes, I suppose I do.

- Sorry I'm late.
- That's OK.

Slept in. Had a bit of a
Throne-athon last night.

- Oh, OK.
- Now...

I'm a bit nervous, to be honest.

Hey, keep your pecker up.

There are worse things in the world

than being sentenced guilty of road rage.

All right, yeah. Let's still
obviously try to avoid that, though.

Oh, no, absolutely. You have
to dare to fail, don't you?

Now then, your previous convictions...

I did wonder whether this would come up.

There were a couple of misunderstandings

when I was young, but...

Oh, my Lord!

You locked 40 Brownies inside a building!

How long for?

You do a prank, you lose a key,
a Brownie has an asthma attack

and suddenly you're the bad guy.

Everyone needs to chill out.

Yeah, maybe don't say that in there.

No.

Dad, can I ask you a question?

Yes, I will show you this
fun video about snails.

Right, not what I was going to say, but...

Well, correction, snails breeding.

Hmm, feel a bit weird watching...

It's not porn, Tom.

I wouldn't watch that with you.

Or at all?

Now this, this is the courting dance.

I'm sure you know all about
that, you sly old thing.

I'm not a snail, so...

Not that you need a courting dance.

Why don't you just read
her one of your poems?

Because I wrote them when I was 14.

Yes, I know, but that one
about futility and dust, and...

Ohh, look.

Look at that.

Do you see how graceful it is?

And now the big moment. The male...

.. fires into the female --
this is the romantic bit --

a five millimetre calcium dart.

Laced with mucus.

- Oh, God!
- Hmm, ooh!

Absolutely sopping with the stuff.

That's disgusting. Mum,
can I ask you a favour?

Let me guess, Tom, this is about money.

What? How do you know that?

Well at 10.08 your card was
declined by a department store

on Oxford Street. You're
over your overdraft limit.

You're paying ?1.70 in
percentage penalties.

And you haven't given me a cup
of tea for about seven years.

Doesn't take a genius
to work it out, does it?

Oh, my little sweet bean!

She's like a paid-up member
of the Stasi, isn't she, Tom?

Yes! Do you just monitor my
bank account day and night?!

- No, Tom.
- No, not at night.

No, we play bridge or sleep
at night, Tom, you know that.

- Tournament this evening, in fact.
- OK, but...

The parent bank is closed to you,
sir, we can't keep bailing you out.

Yes, you can.

All right, hold on, hold
on. How much do you need?

Couple of hundred quid should do it.

Oh, Christ, Ashley, don't be taken in!

You've been letting him shaft
you since he was a toddler.

- He's not getting a penny!
- Well, how am I going to...?

Get a job!

Excuse me, I'm Generation X!

Or Y. There aren't any jobs for
us, they're all taken, apparently.

Well, Barbara's son's a barber.

- What?
- Barbara's son's a barber.

What are you implying, Les,
because she's called Barbara?

Don't be dense, man!

Well, that's how it used to work.

Greg Smith would become a blacksmith.

Arnold Butcher would become a butcher.

No, Dad, it's the other way round.

They got those names because
of the jobs they did.

- Yes, the chicken and
the egg mystery. - No!

Well, now we're getting to the nub of it.

What do you actually want to be?

I've told you before, Paxman meets Fry.

- What?
- How many times?

Jeremy Paxman meets Stephen
Fry, a mixture of the two.

So, University Challenge, the
odd interview, then books,

acting and gadget reviews.

You can't just become Paxman meets Fry.

Um, I know, it's proving very difficult.

It's a generational curse.

In the past, it would
have been easily doable.

In the '70s, it was basically
graduate, become Paxman.

Now, it's graduate, guess
what? Paxman already exists.

It's hell!

SHE SIGHS

Phew. Good. Can't complain.

Well, they found me guilty.

Oh, were you not guilty?

Well, I guess I was, but...

You see, this is what I mean,
really, eyes bigger than your belly,

verdict-wise.

Now, pop quiz -- have you ever
worn an electronic tag before?

What? No!

Well, hopefully it won't be for long.

Now these are the socks that
some of my clients like to use

to cover it up.

I buy them by the bulk load,

got a kind of an understanding
with the manufacturer.

I'm quite a major customer, actually.

Right.

Ramming a Leukaemia
Foundation van, I dunno, you!

It was an accident!

I think I know what's going on here.

You're upset about your conviction.

Yes!

Bound to be, bound to be, love.

Now, listen, curfew-wise, it's in by nine.

- Nine?!
- PM. Daytime is your oyster.

Can it not just be a
little bit later tonight?

I'm getting a birthday treat.

They don't care, really, about that.

And obviously, at some
point, we will need to

organise your community service.

What happens if I'm late for the...?

Back in court, straight back
in court, or a cell, or even,

heaven forfend, but judging
by my track record, jail.

Right.

Well, that is me, I'm afraid.

I think it's time for what I
have become accustomed to call

two whole bottles of white wine.

Do you know, I can't believe
that you're doing this, Tom.

I don't know what other
choice I've got, Maeve.

I mean, I suppose it's fine, isn't it?

We are basically responsible for
any brightness in Gran's life

post the age of 70.

Do you remember that time we sang
down the phone to her at Christmas?

- No.
- Hmm.

- That's a blank cheque
right there, isn't it? - Hmm.

Gran.

SOFT VOICE: Graaan.

She's a deep sleeper, isn't she?

Yeah, very peaceful.

Gran?

- It seems a shame to
wake her, really. - Yes.

- Still though... LOUD
VOICE: Gran? - Tom!

Ever so deaf.

MOBILE RINGS

Let this do what comes naturally.

Unbelievable.

She wants to get those seen to.

Hello?

You're not to ask your
gran for money, Tom!

Oh, my God, you're everywhere!

Well, what can I say, I'm a busybody.

- She is, Tom.
- (It's Mum.)

Do not ask your gran for dough.

She's right, Tom.

Your gran is incredibly tight-fisted.

Oh, no, that's not the point, Ashley!

The point is, it's immoral!

- Well, it's both, Les.
- No, it isn't!

Look, Tom, we don't want her
to spend all the money now,

- there's a will at the end of
this, you know. - Ashley! - What?!

Well, no!

Yes, OK, listen. Are you still going
to this bridge tournament tonight?

Ha! Would Usain Bolt miss
a sprinting match, Tom?

It's called a race, Les.

Oh, piss off, Ashley. Yes, we are going.

OK, hold on. Maeve, do you think
it's a good idea? Ellen's homesick,

she misses her mum's lasagne...
Do you think I could maybe...?

Tom, are you even talking to us any more?

Oh, so sorry.

There's no point you being on the phone

if I'm not even going to talk
to you, it's so rude of me.

Let's go, Maeve.

Hello?

Margaret!

Oh, piss off.

Oh.

He's invited me over for
dinner at his parents.

I think I might have nailed this one, Dad.

On my birthday?

Oh, the perils of downgrading.

Remember when Luke took you to Paris

and you had a meal in the
restaurant up the Eiffel Tower?

Choc ices? Whoops-a-daisy,
four in the freezer.

Tickets to the ballet in Moscow.

Skips, the best crisps, multipack, boom!

Followed by a necklace you could
use as a deposit on a flat.

And then my favourite, Bananagrams.

I mean, I'm basically George Clooney.

This is going to be...

BOTH: Very interesting.

Bought my own cake. Mum
forgot my bubble wrap.

My date's wining and
dining me at his parents'

and I've got an electronic
tag on my ankle.

Happy birthday(!)

Argh, ow!

Put this in your mouth.
It helps with the onions.

That's it.

What am I actually going to do?

I don't know why you didn't just
blame your horrendous upbringing.

I didn't have a horrendous upbringing.

- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't. How can you think that?

One word -- Leeds.

OK.

I meant, what am I going to do
about having to be back by nine

to avoid prison?

How am I going to pull that off?

- You've heard of taxis,
haven't you? - Yes.

But I've got to spend
at least two hours there

or it's taking the piss a bit.

And I'm not massively keen
on him knowing I'm a felon.

Get there early, leave there
early. It's the Poirot method.

- The...?
- Poirot method.

You pretend you were invited
earlier than you actually were,

turn up an hour or so early.

The other person will
insist it was their mistake

and you can leave in time for Poirot.

That does sound good.

I'll call you at a good
time, like it's an emergency.

I think I'll try that, then.

This is the perfect birthday pres,

making me a no-brainer romantic partner.

Oh, just recite your poem they
read out in assembly, honestly.

No, Dad, the way to a woman's heart
is through her stomach, famously.

Also, obviously I'll pay you
back for the ingredients.

- I've got it just how she likes.
- No, no, no, Tom,

just say we had stuff in or you
found a fiver in your slacks.

I. Gave. You. Nothing. Do you hear?

- Doesn't bear thinking about.
- What's she actually going to do, Dad?

Well, it's all rather cloak and dagger,

but, you know, TV rights will be revoked.

- What have you been watching
recently? - Wife Swap.

- Hmm, is that because you sometimes
think about...? - Oh, just a bit.

What, five days being
nagged by Jenny Bond?

Yes, puh-lease!

Barely covers it. What else?

Oh, yes, no more Soreen fruit loaf.

Ah-ha.

And then of course there's the... ahem.

The other thing.

Let's not talk about the other thing, Dad.

Understood, but your mother can hold out.

OK!

She's like one of those
beetles in the desert.

- Is she? - They can survive
a nuclear holocaust, Tom.

- OK, I'm going. - You do know
I'm talking about sex, don't you?

Yes, I know!

Yeah, I made that lasagne you
like because I know you miss it

from home, but I just
hope you enjoy it, really.

Me? Blogger, mainly. I've got
about over 30 subscribers,

but I don't like to shout about
it, do you know what I mean?

Music-wise, Radiohead really,

and I also like, have you
heard of classic music?

That's, um... Into that.

And I'm getting into, I'm starting
to think about getting into reggae.

Hmm.

- CRUNCH - I heard that! - What?

That sound.

Oh, what? Oh, was it a snail?

Ooh...

God!

No, my very worst nightmare.

Bovver boots too!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Um, I wasn't expecting a snail.

I wasn't really thinking about snails.

Nobody ever does.

Is he going to be OK?

Oh, yes, yes...

He's having a whale of a time.

You've fractured his skull, love!

You have basically broken his spine

and torn the roof off his
house in one fell swoop.

That is bad.

Oh, I'm so... I am so upset, but
you know, it's a snail after all.

I know.

According to wikiHow, well, they
can sometimes survive these things.

- Oh, well, that's good.
- Good?

You think this is, I'm quoting here,

"really, really good, fantastic news?"

No, no, I didn't mean to say...

You're happy, let's celebrate.
Oh, bring out the bunting.

I'm Ellen, by the way. Um, I'm Tom's...

This isn't time for that,
this snail's life is currently

flashing before its tentacles!

Yes.

Oh, Smeg.

He had a lot of guts, this one.

Is... is Tom around?

Oh, you're early.

Tom said you'd be here for eight
o'clock and it's a quarter to seven.

What's going on?

You must be joking!

Oh, I can't see what has happened there.

Ashley!

Wear a tie at least. You look
like someone who installs windows.

He's in his room, love.

Top of the carpet hill,
first turnstile on the left.

Yes, I exercise.

I like to do mainly thigh work.

I've got rock hard thighs, basically.

- You're early!
- Aargh!

SHOUTS: Mum! Mum!

Mummy!

OK, so it's all about distracting
attention away. Ellen, Ellen -- away.

Away. So...

Have we even got a first aid
kit?! What's he done with it?

- Have you seen the Red Dwarf DVDs?
- What are you talking about?

I'm trying to distract her from the
pain. She's suffering. Quickly, Tom.

Just get her a glass of water whilst
we find the first aid kit, Dad!

Glass of water, brilliant distraction.

Well done, Jocky Wilson!

Ashley, where have you put the bloody...?

Ah...

- OK. - OK. - Hurry up.

- Right, well, that's empty.
- What do you mean empty?

- There's nothing in there.
- We need more than that. Nothing isn't enough.

Yes, well, we need to disinfect her cos
there is such a thing as, Thomas, tetanus!

Is there? God, that sounds bad.
I thought that was in the past.

Did we not sort of get
over that as a society?

- No, you're thinking of dropsy or
the puking fever. - I'm not, actually.

We need antiseptic and bandages.

That is what we need, Tom. That
is where we're currently at.

OK. I'll get some, I'll go.
I'm going to make this all OK.

- Please don't be weird with Ellen.
- It'll be fine, Tom.

Oh, God!

Ellen. Oh, distraction,
distraction, distraction.

There we go, who's that?

Who's that?

Come on.

I'm here, Maeve, give me what you've
got. I don't know what Mum and Dad

are doing with Ellen and it's making
my internal organs feel actually sad.

It says on this here anonymous blog...

Not a good start, Maeve.

Teapot!

Ah, Bogger.

Um, thing is, great to see you, pal.
It's not a great time, to be honest.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Teapot, we
are going for a pint, mate.

- Um...
- 'Who's that?'

It's Bogger. Not a great
time, to be honest, Bogs.

- Yeah. - You said Bogger? You haven't
seen him since school, have you?

What are you doing with Bogger, then?

I'm not trying to be with
Bogger. No offence, Bogger.

No way.

- Didn't Bogger kill a cat?
- Not now, Maeve!

You seem stressed out, Teapot.

Teapot was never my nickname.

Just think of it as a
splinter, if that helps.

It's honestly fine.

Big metal splinter plunged
into the bicep muscle.

- OK, Ashley.
- Oh, these things happen, it's fine.

In the Middle Ages, this
wouldn't even have been an event.

We need to extract it, of course.

Have you got something she
can bite down on for the pain?

- Oh, God. - Stick an apple
in her mouth? - Oh, God!

- Should we not wait for Tom?
- Yes, maybe we should.

I actually don't have that long,
bit of a mix-up, because...

- We'll be doing it now, Ellen.
- OK, it's just...

Do we need to take it out?

Could it, you know, just stay
there, for now/indefinitely?

I'll be taking it out, Ellen.
I've got pumped up for it, you see.

It's my grandfather's
dart, that's the problem.

- They don't like to see it leave
the premises. - Fair enough.

LAUGHING: And how would you
get your coat on over that?

They're all valid points.

Oh, look at that, the
fruit bowl's on fire!

What? Ow! You witch!

Shit!

No!

Sorry!

I really, really didn't mean that.

That was very, very unkind!

I don't even know anything
about you these days.

Jesus Christ!

Um, jobless, penniless, just
threw a dart into a woman. You?

- I didn't know that you played darts.
- That's not the point, pal.

I just got married.

And my first novel is being
published in September.

OK, that's... that's great.

Maeve... Are you kidding me?!

I mean, you were literally
very dribbly in sixth form.

I got myself together.

OK, that's great. I do not
have time for this now.

Maeve, is that honestly
all you've got for me?

Yeah, hold on.

Where do you live now?

A little five-bed in Primrose Hill.

Primrose Hill! What, a five-bed?

A house, yeah.

Well, one of the bedrooms is more
of a study-cum-chill out zone,

though, really.

And one of the rooms scares me anyway.

EMOTIONLESS LAUGH

Again, I am so, so sorry. It was instinct.

It's fine.

Well, without sounding too lovey-dovey,

I am absolutely made up he
put a dart in you, Ellen.

- MOBILE BEEPS - Ashley, it's
not exactly classic seduction.

That, that is a point.

Oh, my God, is it 8.30 already?

I think I know what will seal the deal.

What are you doing, Ashley?
This feels like poor form.

- You know what, I...
- Tom's poem from the early noughties.

Lovely offer, but, um,
well, my flatmate is...

There is always time for verse, petal.

Now, at this time, Tom was heartbroken.

- Was it by that Vicky girl from, I
think it was, Sepley Street? - Hmm.

Anyway, she had cheated on him,

now bearing in mind he was 15, with...

.. a ten year old.

Oh, dear.

Ten-year-old chorister.

And this was his creative
response to that incident.

Look, I know you really
want to read me that poem

and I know I just elbowed you
in the face, but I genuinely...

"Cackling black eagles
eat away at my face..."

OK, fine.

"Am I the first to feel so much, so young?

"Vicks turneth her tricks With
the songbird a decade young

"Still quite handsome In spite of eczema.

"But am I not noble?

"But I bear my cross like Jesus --
Jaunty, with a spring in my step."

Great. Well, we won't embarrass Tom...

"The bitch wouldn't listen
with her slutty ears!

"Perhaps I should cut the rod
from off my bod and cast it..."

His penis, Ellen.

".. into the sea."

Well, cool.

Phew, powerful stuff.

Indeed, indeed. I really have to go.

Well, that fits with our
schedule. Ashley, clothing.

All right, Les.

Oh, it's a shame you couldn't
stay for the lasagne.

He cooked me a lasagne?

Choc ices, Skips.

Bananagrams!

That's all the stuff I
told him I miss from home.

That is so nice.

Maybe I'll just stay.
I'm just going to stay.

I think that's the tetanus talking.

No, honestly, that is the sweetest...

Yeah, no, well, we simply have to leave,

and I won't leave a wounded
stranger unattended in the house.

- No offence.
- None taken.

But, please, disinfect
yourself when you get home.

Ashley, by the creeping
course of Christ, clothing!

Les, all right. Gee!

Oh, God, I probably should,
but could you just tell him...

Yes, yes. Anyway, this
is his present for you.

To be honest, I think it's entirely empty.

Oh, sure.

MUSIC: Beach Baby by Bon Iver

Goodbye then, Ellen.

CRUNCH

Oh, no, Ellen, no. Oh, God!

I'm so sorry.

Um... Hang on. Oh, I
think I'm getting the...

- CRUNCH
- Hmm, hang of it.

Oh, please let that be it,
Ellen. I can't take it, lass.

Hold on, I think this is all right.

- CRUNCH
- What did I just say?!

They are well camouflaged, aren't they?

- CRUNCH
- I didn't even move then.

Oh, Smeg, this is a whitewash!

This is Nam! This is Nam all over again!

- I'm so sorry!
- Oh!

Where is she?

They're all dead, Tom.

What? Shut up. Where's Ellen?

She's on the warpath, mate.
She's got a taste for it,

the old Frenchman's fever.

- Has she gone, Dad?
- Yes, she's gone, Tom.

You put a dart in her, left, your
father read one of your poems...

You did what?!

And on her way out, she
slaughtered all the snails,

- so he's quit the bridge tournament.
- Out of respect.

I'm still going.

I hate to be a pessimist,

but I don't think Cupid has let
his arrow fly today, young man.

DOORBELL

- How did you know?
- Say again?

Bubble wrap, it's perfect. Thank you.

Well, I try.

- I've got to go.
- OK.

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