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1
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,680
INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS
2
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What's the matter with you,
Ashley? You're miserable.
3
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,590
I'm not that bad. At least
I'm not a psychopath!
4
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,990
- You're a hoarder, Ashley.
- No, I am not.
5
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,470
- You belong in a shock-doc.
- No, I do not.
6
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:31,590
What's going on?
7
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,870
- She's doing a toss-out.
- For the second-hand shop.
8
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:38,030
No, no, I am not having some hippy
get his hands all over my Duff mug.
9
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,950
No! And... What? Not the Amstrad!
10
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,630
Or the brochures... Not the double poncho!
11
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,710
- Double? What's a double?
- Alton Towers.
12
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:46,990
Room for two humans?
13
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,070
Found it in the nook, the
nook in the boiler room,
14
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,950
- where she puts things, before they
get bumped off. - Not officially.
15
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,830
The zone between the living and the dead.
16
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,550
- Oh, like where you put Nana.
- No, we are not discussing that, Tom.
17
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,990
Sheltered accommodation,
18
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,510
Tom -- she's got a Hitachi TV,
she's living the effing dream!
19
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,710
We bought this on our first
date, Les -- Alton Towers.
20
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:05,350
Leicester years. We were the
scourge of Leicester, Tom.
21
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,670
- Were you? - We didn't do it
any favours, that's for sure.
22
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,190
Les, tell him about the time
I wee'd in the swimming pool.
23
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,390
Oh, he wee'd in the swimming pool, Tom.
24
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,910
- Oh, yeah?
- Hammered.
25
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,190
In the middle of the day, as well.
26
00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:19,390
Wonderful. Well, I'm going to see
Maeve, debrief on last night's date.
27
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:20,910
Oh, tell her mum says hi, then.
28
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,670
It was from the diving board, Tom.
29
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:25,430
- Fabulous.
- People clapped.
30
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,310
- Your father clapped.
- And off I pop.
31
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,480
No! Oh, no-no-no...
32
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,310
But... Sorry, he asked
you to get back with him?
33
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,190
He was quite upset. Couldn't
finish his peshwari naan.
34
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,390
But hold on -- Luke asked you, and
you, rather than him, said "no"?
35
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,990
I know it's difficult to compute.
36
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,790
He's awful with the waiters, Hermione.
37
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,830
Sorry... He works for the UN, Ellen.
38
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,990
He's met Ban Ki-moon --
he's offered him a Smint.
39
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,070
He mentioned, a few times.
40
00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,430
If you like him so much, why
don't you go out with him?
41
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,350
The day I get sloppy seconds from you
42
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,710
is the day I lie in a bath and,
as they say, commit suicide.
43
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,870
Baby, don't over-estimate yourself.
44
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,070
Luke's willing to
overlook a hell of a lot.
45
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,110
You're new to London, you
temp, you're Northern,
46
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,950
and I'm only telling you
painful truths because I care.
47
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,790
What's painful about it? That's my life.
48
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,270
I know. Breaks my heart.
49
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,510
Oi-oi, here comes trouble.
[BUILDER WOLF-WHISTLES]
50
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,270
- Put it away, Norm!
- Oh, God!
51
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,350
Just smile and absorb it, don't be frigid.
52
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,510
- Hey, guys! What up?
- You all right, girls?
53
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,070
How you feeling? Lonely?
Want a little cuddle?
54
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,070
She is a bit lonely,
actually. Good shout, buddy.
55
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,550
Hey, you, cheer yourself
up, it might never happen.
56
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,910
I mean, it is happening
-- THIS is happening.
57
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,670
Don't be so moody, Ellen. Time
of the month, is it? Eh, boys?
58
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,120
- This has been nice. I'm
going to my car. - Oi, love...
59
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,830
Why don't you show us where you piss from?
60
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,590
[HERMIONE LAUGHS] Oh,
naughty! Bit of a firecracker!
61
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,390
I don't mind it, and I think it's great,
62
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,990
but for some, that's a bit much.
63
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,830
Well, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
64
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,990
Want to have a little play
with Kevin and the twins?
65
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,580
Who's Kev...?
66
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,270
NERVOUS GIGGLE
67
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,350
Ellen, you'll never
guess what just happened.
68
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,710
We were having a nice chat and
I was about to ask him about
69
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,670
his working conditions, because
I'm actually really interested...
70
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,350
CRASH AND HERMIONE SCREAMS
71
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:17,750
Ellen!
72
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,400
CAR ENGINE REVS
73
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,270
Bless her. Come on, Squidge.
74
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,790
Those houses won't build themselves.
75
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,830
Oh, my Lord!
76
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,830
Come on, then. Lay it on me.
77
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,230
Where's Lincoln?
78
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:42,590
What...? Say again?
79
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,510
- Where's Lincoln?
- East Midlands. - Good...
80
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,790
Cool. So, saw Liz Tang last
night, don't hold back.
81
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,190
I've been Tangoed. What's the feedback?
82
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,750
How... like, tall do
you think the Shard is?
83
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,030
What are you doing, Maeve?
84
00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,470
Oh, I'm just updating the
Wikipedia entry for England.
85
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:01,990
Right, I mean, you're a barrister --
86
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,750
should you not be doing, you
know, your bits and bobs?
87
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,990
- They've left out a
ton of stuff. - Hmm?
88
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,910
- Lincoln, the Shard, Watchdog...
- Uh-huh.
89
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,350
Giving myself a little mention.
90
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,190
- Does it need to mention you, do you think?
- Well, it mentions Tring.
91
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:16,870
- Fair play, then.
- Um, so... Um, yeah.
92
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,550
Liz Tang...
93
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,590
I was just on the phone
to her, actually...
94
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:24,550
Before you start blabbing on, I
just want to say thank you, really,
95
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,550
because last night, more than
any other dates I've been on,
96
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,150
I was just myself.
97
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,270
And just thanks for
that advice, basically.
98
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,110
- What, did I say that?
- Yes, you did.
99
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,670
- "Just be yourself"?
- Indeed.
100
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,750
Um, how do you think it went?
101
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,990
Quietly confident.
102
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,280
It's a "no" from her.
103
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,310
Good. Well, that's a relief. Um, good.
104
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,990
To be honest, I don't really
have time for a woman in my life
105
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,390
at the moment anyway, because I'm
building up to Ironman Australia.
106
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,270
So... Well, I'm off.
107
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,430
Oh, just a quick... Width
of a Beefeater's hat?
108
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:00,080
Not now, Maeve.
109
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,310
Ellen, pull over. I'm hyperventilating!
110
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,310
There you are, so don't
say I'm not impulsive.
111
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,870
- I never ever say that, anyway.
- Well, don't say it from now on.
112
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,030
Oh, Jesus! I won't tell Luke, don't worry.
113
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,670
I don't care about Luke!
What about the Met?
114
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,750
How anal are they, in
regards to crime these days?
115
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,190
Tell me if it's a bad time to bring it up,
116
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,830
but is it OK that I invited Luke
to Sian's house-warming later?
117
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,070
- No. - If this madness ends
and you do -- fingers crossed --
118
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,470
- get back with Luke...
- Um...
119
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,310
.. he would actually do his best to
secure me an internship at the UN.
120
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,870
- I mean, I'm manifestly speechless!
- It would be paid, is the thing.
121
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,070
I've just rammed a van,
122
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,270
and you're talking about trading me
like a prostitute for your career.
123
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,510
Don't think of it as a trade --
124
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,590
think of it as a lease,
or a loan, if that helps.
125
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,510
It doesn't help. I'm getting some ciggies.
126
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,230
Ellen, the only thing I've ever
truly wanted for my career is...
127
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,230
.. training to be an
estate agent, but carry on.
128
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,230
Oh, like the UN doesn't
need estate agents?!
129
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,430
Those refugees will need
somewhere to live, Ellen,
130
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,030
and I can secure them houses
at very competitive prices.
131
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,590
Good on you!
132
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,150
Agh!
133
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,340
Oh!
134
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,120
Ow...
135
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:24,560
Lovely...
136
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:31,630
Seven seconds on low, just
take the edge off the chill,
137
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:36,070
maintain the bouquet and
oopsie-doopsie-daisy-doe,
138
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:39,390
a perfect rhubarb yog for you.
139
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,590
Ta. Still tossing your Amstrad, but...
140
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,790
Next, on the perfect afternoon
with Ashley and Lesley,
141
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,790
MasterChef quarter
finale on BBC's iPlayer.
142
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,360
VOICES ON TV
143
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:53,950
Well, eat it quickly, Les.
144
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,310
Room temperature plays
havoc with Asda dairy.
145
00:07:56,360 --> 00:08:00,110
Left out an eight-pack of Petits
Filous -- absolute massacre.
146
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,680
Mmm.
147
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,750
DOOR SHUTS
148
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,430
Lovely.
149
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,750
Now, don't go panicking,
it looks worse than it is.
150
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,790
Oh, no -- not this! Tom...
151
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,430
I just had a little accident,
banged my head, but honestly...
152
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,110
- Oh, my God -- he's hit his head, Ashley!
- I'll pause MasterChef.
153
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,670
- A head injury, Christ!
What's your name? - I'm Tom.
154
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,470
Lesley, don't stop eating it!
It'll be tepid in five seconds.
155
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,390
I was just on my bike
and a car door opened.
156
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,110
- Joyce's boy had a head injury and
he ended up a plumber! - Right...
157
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,790
The perfect temperature
is the thing, Lesley!
158
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:29,950
Who did this to you?
159
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,790
Her name's Ellen Baxter.
She's pretty fit, actually.
160
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,070
- Mmm...
- Ashley!
161
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,830
Yes, well there's no point wasting
a perfectly good rhubarb yog.
162
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,150
Our son!
163
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:42,550
Liz, I can be concerned and
simultaneously eat a rhuby yog.
164
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,150
There's no right way to grieve.
165
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,870
- I just think I need to sit down.
- Ashley, shift.
166
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,030
Dad, get up.
167
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,760
Yes, let's reconvene after MasterChef.
168
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,820
Kate's made an emulsion.
169
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,350
I thought he was quite... unusual.
170
00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,590
Yeah, I was there.
171
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,670
Did you see? I just opened the
door and he slammed right into it.
172
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,110
And I just kind of dusted my
shoulder, kind of easy-osy,
173
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,110
when, "Hmm, fancy seeing you here".
174
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,790
He actually retched at first,
and he... He had some dribble.
175
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,750
So, she's looking at me, like,
"Wham-bam, this guy got some sugar."
176
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,390
It was quite a nice chat, in some ways.
177
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,830
Moments later, I had her
details stuffed in my back pock.
178
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,910
- You didn't give him your number?
- For insurance.
179
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,110
- Still counts!
- Did you tell her you were unemployed?
180
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,270
No, I didn't tell her I'm unemployed.
I don't think publishing a blog entry
181
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,630
- once a day can really mean
that you're... - He is jobless.
182
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,750
- No, fair do's.
- But he's very ambitious.
183
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,270
She sells these craft things online,
like she does these vintage posters.
184
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,510
She's going to an art
class later in Shoreditch.
185
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,110
I mean, it's like I just
cycled into Simone de Beauvoir!
186
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,360
I don't even know who that is.
187
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,600
Well, hold on a minute...
188
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,350
Crikey O'Digby! That's where I saw her.
189
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,670
- Last night.
- In the alley, how weird.
190
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,030
How funny.
191
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,270
That's a sign, isn't it?
192
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,990
I mean, that is the
meaningful hand of fate.
193
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,400
God, it's so obvious. I'll
surprise her at the art class.
194
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,710
- You are not going painting, Tom.
- You don't really paint, Tom.
195
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,870
I used to dabble when I was
younger, I think I can...
196
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,870
- What, at primary school?
- Doesn't matter when. The important thing is,
197
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,030
I'm trained. I particularly
like working with...
198
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,030
- Did you mean primary school, Tom?
- No, I did not!
199
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,950
What do you particularly
like working with?
200
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,430
- Crayon and paper portraits, mainly.
- Oh, shame.
201
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,230
- Potato cut-outs, sometimes.
- Deary me.
202
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,080
- You're a tit in trainers, Tom!
- Love you!
203
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,750
- Hey.
- Um...
204
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,800
Oh, hello. Fine.
205
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:32,070
Just doing my laces up and
you sort of crept up on me.
206
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,550
Well, I just opened my front door.
207
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,590
Didn't want to interview a suspect
with my laces all flailing around.
208
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,510
Did you say "suspect"?
209
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,150
Can I come in?
210
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,390
Well, I was just going to an art class...
211
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,790
Oh, right. You're busy, are you?
212
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,230
It's just that someone has
driven, with intense speed,
213
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:47,750
into a Leukaemia charity van.
214
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,340
A Leukaemia...
215
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,840
.. charity van? Um...
216
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:59,270
Yeah, yeah, I mean, everything,
really -- landscapes, still life,
217
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,190
mobile life, so like a fruit
bowl, but, um, plummeting...
218
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:04,550
There's a seat for you here.
219
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:05,870
Ah, lovely.
220
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:10,070
Um, deary me, my old friend, the easel.
221
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,470
Oooh, Private Pine, standing at ease.
222
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,990
Standing at easel. Standing at easel!
223
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,620
"Standing at easel"? No.
224
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,910
Were there any leukaemia
victims actually in the van?
225
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,390
Oh, no, no.
226
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,750
I don't think they need to
be sort of shuttled around.
227
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,350
- No, I suppose not.
- They're quite mobile. - Yeah.
228
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,070
I mean, a few pots of
paint were spilled, but...
229
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,070
Oh -- so, no human damage, then?
230
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,390
No, no.
231
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,950
Of course, there were the wigs.
232
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,110
Wigs?
233
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,360
The paint ruined all the wigs.
234
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,990
And what are the wigs for?
235
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,150
Well, they're to create
the illusion of hair.
236
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,270
No... In this case, though?
237
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,630
In this case, they're for the children --
238
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:56,710
so the children can live a
normal life, go to school,
239
00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,760
so they're not shunned
for their chemotherapy.
240
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,430
But of course, on this occasion,
they won't get their wigs,
241
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,620
which is devastatingly sad...
242
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:09,990
.. and enraging.
243
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,190
I get nervous before I paint, sometimes.
244
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,510
It's the thrill of it, isn't it, partly?
245
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,200
What's going to... get drawn.
246
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:41,390
"Did you ram the van?"
247
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,440
I guess, is the headline.
248
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,590
No, I didn't, no.
249
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,920
No. No?
250
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,110
You see, that's thrown me.
251
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,670
I was hoping you'd confess, because I...
252
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,590
Well, I'm meeting Badger
at five to play badminton
253
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,910
and yes, I will be checking
his shuttlecocks this time
254
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,900
for signs of foul play.
255
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,320
Excuse me?
256
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,150
Hi, have you got a mirror?
257
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,270
No, I don't.
258
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:12,790
You haven't got just a hand mirror?
259
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,550
No, sorry.
260
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,990
How quickly can you draw, then?
261
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,600
- You want me to draw...?
- No, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
262
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,480
OK, I think we're all
ready to get started.
263
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,220
Hi, sorry I'm late.
264
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,990
Whoa, no-no-no-no, this seat's taken.
265
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,510
There aren't any other chairs.
266
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,230
- Um, er...
- OK, if we're all ready?
267
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,760
OK, Ellen...
268
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,430
Oh, God. No!
269
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,310
No, no...
270
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,630
God, no, no, no, no...
271
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:05,270
Please, please, don't, don't...
272
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,590
Stop, please, please.
273
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,240
No need, no need... I beg of you...
274
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,200
DOOR SHUTS
275
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,550
'Now, then -- I... Sorry, earlier,
for staring at you -- not staring,
276
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,950
'but inadvertently seeing your
breasts, your body, because...
277
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,830
'It was just because, you know,
you mentioned about the art class
278
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,630
'and just out of interest, because
you'd opened a door in my face --
279
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,350
'which by the way, I don't care --
aching jaws and eyes -- bovvered(?)
280
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,070
LAUGHING: 'But I just didn't assume
281
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,990
'that you'd be getting
your clothes off for money.
282
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,470
'You little slut(!)
283
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,470
'No, no, no, because it's the drawing
is what makes it not perving,
284
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,030
'which is why I did a little
sketch on the bus home,
285
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,390
'show it to you some time.
286
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,910
'I guess the reason I came and
found you, in all your glory,
287
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,230
'was that I just... I
don't know, when I met you,
288
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:41,150
'we didn't have much time and maybe
I could go for a coffee one day?
289
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,790
'With you -- I wouldn't want to go
on my own, I'd feel like a plum.
290
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,710
'But I'm not... I mean, I
haven't actually said anything,
291
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,470
'so don't make out like I'm sort
of bloody madly strutting around
292
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,470
'with a big banner with
your face all over it.
293
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:52,830
'You're not Mao Zedong!
294
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,470
'You can redo these sometimes
can't you, um, Ellen?
295
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,230
'Um...'
296
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,820
Text me, bye.
297
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,700
Well, good luck to you, Tom.
298
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,020
'Ellen, um...
299
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,800
'Text me, bye.'
300
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,710
- Yeah, so that's a shame.
- TEXT ALERT
301
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,350
Oh, Cags wants you to send her
Sian's address for the party.
302
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,030
Yeah, OK.
303
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,030
I think maybe this guy likes me.
304
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,150
Yes, obviously he likes
you. He's a stalker!
305
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,430
He likes you so much, he'll
probably want to eat you
306
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:29,950
and wear your back as a wig.
307
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,310
Use your feet to store
umbrellas, or something.
308
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,310
I thought he might have been all right.
309
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,630
I was thinking of
inviting him to the party
310
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,310
in a "relaxed, don't really
care, inviting you almost because
311
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,990
"I can't be bothered not to invite
you" kind of way, if that...
312
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:45,830
- Does that work? - No, it
doesn't. Cags, Ellen. - Yes, OK.
313
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,870
But now he's trailed me,
like I'm an antelope...
314
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,190
And stared at you naked,
and called you a slut.
315
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,510
Why is everyone a psychopath?
316
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:56,300
- Yeah, present company excepted.
- Yeah...
317
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,150
I think I'll just play it safe.
318
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,760
Just send him a short, meaningless
text and give nothing away.
319
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,190
TOM SIGHS
320
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,200
- PHONE VIBRATES
- Oh.
321
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:12,910
Oh, my God!
322
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,040
She's all over me.
323
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,430
- Dad!
- ASHLEY LAUGHS
324
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,110
Get me to the church on time(!)
325
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,750
There's nothing there,
mate. It's a desert.
326
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,590
- Sorry, Tom.
- No, it's fine.
327
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,180
I should probably forget all about it.
328
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,670
- So, this is the nook.
- This is the vortex.
329
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,150
Guess you can't really
complain about the bishop, Dad.
330
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,710
Supposing I find the other
31 pieces and the board
331
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,270
and start playing chess?
332
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,710
Is this a tactic, Ashley?
To nook my belongings?
333
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,670
- Is this your next play?
- Not at all, no.
334
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,030
I'm just putting some things
we don't need in the nook.
335
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,750
I know you're lying, Ashley. I
can tell from your body language.
336
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,230
What? You don't even know body language.
337
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,390
They don't teach that
to people who can hear.
338
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,870
That's sign language, you bloody
ape! Is that my Saga magazine?
339
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,630
- Oh, God!
- Where?
340
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,350
They're sending me crazy, Maeve.
341
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,670
- Mum said that you harassed someone.
- What? No, no, I didn't. I...
342
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,950
Yes, I followed someone to
an appointment, and yes,
343
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,070
I saw them in the
nuddy-duddy, but that's just...
344
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,670
- Just what gets you off.
- No! Well, I didn't mind it.
345
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,510
- PHONE VIBRATES
- Oh, text.
346
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,350
Oh, oops!
347
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:17,670
I think this is OK,
348
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,230
but I just accidentally sent
Tom the address to the party.
349
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,790
- Why? - Well, I was
trying to send it to Cags.
350
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,710
- Why didn't you send it
to Cags, then? - Helpful(!)
351
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,510
- Oh, you don't think he's going to...?
- No, I don't think he'll...
352
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,350
Uh-oh, someone just got
invited to a party -- moi, me!
353
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,230
- Oh, my days! What does it say?
- Quite to the point.
354
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,430
"Hey, Cags," which I presume is
some kind of East London slang term,
355
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,230
"colon, address for the party." Simple.
356
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,590
Right. Are you sure it's meant for you?
357
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,270
Hmm, let me just think. Did
it come to my number or not?
358
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:48,390
Er, yes, it did, so yes,
it was, so let's par-tay!
359
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,030
Does that... mean he's coming?
360
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,390
No. No.
361
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,550
It won't.
362
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,350
- Surely not?
- Surely not.
363
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,510
- Oh, surely not, Tom.
- Let's hit the road!
364
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:02,390
- Ow! Bloody hell, finger nails, Lesley!
- Oh, sorry, did that hurt(?)
365
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:03,790
Oh, it's like you sharpen them!
366
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,830
- Well, they don't sharpen
themselves. - What?!
367
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,150
Ding dong, I'm off to the ball.
368
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,910
Tom, the Amstrad! You'll
pass a skip somewhere.
369
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,430
Just dump it for me, please.
370
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,270
This is one of the ones I have to win.
371
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,910
- He got to keep his cactus.
- All right, fine, I don't care.
372
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,270
- Lesley?!
- Go!
373
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,150
Lesley, what's going on?
374
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,540
Nothing.
375
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,590
Oh, good. Luke's dropping
by at some point.
376
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,750
What? Oh, my God, stop it!
377
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,030
I shouldn't have to say this,
378
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,510
but stop using me as sex
bait to get an internship.
379
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,630
The term is actually
"honey trap", Ellen, but...
380
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,310
I don't care. You don't
even know what the UN does.
381
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,190
- Yes, I do!
- What's it do, then?
382
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,180
Jesus Christ, I mean...
383
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,830
- Eloise...? - You can't get help
from a friend. - I don't like Eloise.
384
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,310
OK, well that's not my point.
385
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,590
She's actually fatter
than she is, you know?
386
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,310
Well, I don't understand that, so...
387
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,870
She's actually a fatter
person than she actually is.
388
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,550
- That's the same sentence.
- DOORBELL RINGS
389
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,830
Oh, that'll be Luke now.
390
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,280
Perfect(!)
391
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,750
Ugh, it's you.
392
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,030
Yes, hi. Is Ellen in? She invited...
393
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,510
- No, she didn't.
- She did, actually. Bitten by the bug.
394
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,510
It was an admin error, she told me.
395
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,710
- No, it wasn't. Listen, Cags... - Eh?
396
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,270
I just like her, so just see
what she thinks, because...
397
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,310
- No. - She might... - She
won't. - I'm honestly...
398
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,900
- Oh, you're a worm! - What? - A worm!
399
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,070
- Er... - I knew you'd
do that and I waited,
400
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,160
to save me the bother of
coming back. The answer is "no"!
401
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,280
Hmm.
402
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,030
Luke's here!
403
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:17,630
CHEERING
404
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,680
Paco Rabanne? Don't mind if I do.
405
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,280
Hmm, pure sex.
406
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,200
SEXUAL MOANS AND LOUNGE MUSIC ON TV
407
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,350
I think I'm in the wrong place.
408
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,310
What are you doing in our flat?
409
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,390
I think I must have gone
too high or too left.
410
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,510
I thought there was a party?
411
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,500
The party is next door.
412
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,310
Stay and watch, if you want.
413
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:06,560
Um...
414
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,710
TV: 'Oh! Oh, yeah...'
415
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,350
Nah. Nah, you're OK.
416
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,000
Thanks, though.
417
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,750
- She's not pulling any
punches, is she? - No.
418
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,590
- We know her.
- Do you?
419
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,030
Go bowling with her.
420
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,230
That's... lovely.
421
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,390
MOANS CLIMAX
422
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,310
And how are you?
423
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:30,710
I'm OK.
424
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,830
These were flown in from
Isfahan this morning.
425
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,420
Oh, thank you.
426
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,860
Your favourite cupcake.
427
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,510
You can have as many as you like.
428
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,070
Your figure's brilliant.
429
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,470
- Thank you. - Eat it. - What?
430
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,510
- Come on, eat it up.
- Hermione?
431
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,630
Eat the cupcake. Seriously.
432
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,910
- So, this is all original...
- TV: 'Oh... Oh, yeah...'
433
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,150
- Right.
- .. and we just had it painted.
434
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,550
Did you really? Well, it's a good life.
435
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,710
Um, I'm probably going
to... I'm Tom, by the way.
436
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,190
- Sorry, what were your names?
- Monica. - Monica and...?
437
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,070
Douglas Carol Pine.
438
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:14,120
- Carol? - Carol can be a
man's name, as well. - OK, OK.
439
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,830
It can't, but fine. I'm
probably going to go...
440
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,270
- Oh, don't leave.
- I really want to.
441
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:25,190
Oh, please don't. My scene's
coming up. Fast forward, Monica.
442
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,380
Don't, Monica. Monica, don't.
443
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:34,790
SHE CHOKES
444
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,710
What's happening? She's choking.
445
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,590
- What?
- She's choking on the ring!
446
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,190
- What?! - Oh, my God, tell me
she's got private health insurance!
447
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,110
- Do it properly, Luke!
- Um... Will you marry me?
448
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,110
- MUFFLED COMPLAINTS
- You said she'd be up for this!
449
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,550
- Do the list, Luke!
- Oh, er...
450
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,310
- Ban Ki-moon, 70G a year, um...
- Otter! - .. and I got you an otter.
451
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,470
A ceramic otter, because on your
first weekend away, you saw an otter.
452
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,750
You have to pay me back for
that, by the way, Luke.
453
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,830
ELLEN COUGHS AND RING DROPS
454
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,910
The answer is "no".
455
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,870
I mean, obviously!
456
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,670
Ellen, what's your problem?!
He's a nine, you're six -- max!
457
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:09,060
- Why am I a...?
- Leeds, maybe!
458
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,150
SEDUCTIVE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
459
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,880
Notice how the sax really
cuts through the mix.
460
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,430
Oh, yeah. It does, actually.
461
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:29,590
Must say, really glad
you took a wrong turn.
462
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,480
Good... Oh, Christ on the old cross, mate!
463
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,320
PARTY MUSIC FROM INSIDE FLAT
464
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,270
Hey, how are you doing?
465
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,600
Lovely.
466
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,110
Which Shrek do you like most?
467
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,870
Oh, my God! I'm calling the
police, he's stalking Ellen!
468
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,430
What? No, don't. Where is she?
469
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,430
- It's ringing.
- Just... That was quick.
470
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,480
I just need to see her
one more time, that's all.
471
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,020
Right, oh, my God!
472
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,190
- Who are you?
- I don't know who these people are.
473
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,710
- Oh, bye, Tom. Nice to see you.
- Absolutely no idea.
474
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,000
- Never met him before in my life...
- Who likes vermouth?
475
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,190
Ellen?
476
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,510
Ellen!
477
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,240
MUSIC: To Be Alone With
You by Sufjan Stevens
478
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,560
THUNDER RUMBLES
479
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,070
'Passenger announcement.
480
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:46,310
'No trains will be stopping
at this station, folks.
481
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:49,510
'Can everyone please exit the
station in an orderly fashion
482
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:52,910
'and seek alternative means
of transport. Thank you.'
483
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,190
PHONE RINGS
484
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,110
- 'Dramatic change of plan, Tom.
- Yes?
485
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,430
'Save the Amstrad at all costs.'
486
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,070
It's pretty poor timing, Mum.
487
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,430
'It's got my diary of the
Leicester years, Tom --
488
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:05,870
'it's the chronicle of our love.'
489
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,640
It describes our first-ever
bridge game, Tom, it's sacrosanct.
490
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,430
It's not coming home, Mum.
491
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,790
- No! - No! - No! - No! - No!
492
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,110
No, no, it has everything,
Tom, it has everything,
493
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,150
it's got the Harry Ramsden's dinner, Tom.
494
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,710
'I didn't realise --
it's everything, Tom.'
495
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:25,830
We had three cod between
two that night, Tom.
496
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,310
'Love is like that when you
get together with someone.
497
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,910
'It was heady, it was mad, it
was the Midlands in the '70s!
498
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,070
'Save the Amstrad, Tom!
Save it at all costs,
499
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,550
- 'if it's the last thing you ever...'
- HE HANGS UP
500
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,360
THUNDERCLAP
501
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,000
SONG: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes
502
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:50,320
This is the first day of my life
503
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,720
Swear I was born right in the doorway
504
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,390
I went out in the rain
505
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,230
Suddenly everything changed
506
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:05,720
They're spreading blankets on the beach
507
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,560
Yours is the first face that I saw
508
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:15,960
I think I was blind before I met you
509
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,070
Now I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I've been
510
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:25,360
But I know where I want to go
511
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,600
And so I thought I'd let you know
512
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,630
That these things take forever
513
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,680
I especially am slow
514
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,470
But I realise that I need you
515
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:43,590
And I wondered if I could come home
516
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:47,360
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...
517
00:28:47,410 --> 00:28:51,960
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