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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,680 INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS 2 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,150 What's the matter with you, Ashley? You're miserable. 3 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,590 I'm not that bad. At least I'm not a psychopath! 4 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,990 - You're a hoarder, Ashley. - No, I am not. 5 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,470 - You belong in a shock-doc. - No, I do not. 6 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:31,590 What's going on? 7 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,870 - She's doing a toss-out. - For the second-hand shop. 8 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:38,030 No, no, I am not having some hippy get his hands all over my Duff mug. 9 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,950 No! And... What? Not the Amstrad! 10 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,630 Or the brochures... Not the double poncho! 11 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,710 - Double? What's a double? - Alton Towers. 12 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:46,990 Room for two humans? 13 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,070 Found it in the nook, the nook in the boiler room, 14 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,950 - where she puts things, before they get bumped off. - Not officially. 15 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,830 The zone between the living and the dead. 16 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,550 - Oh, like where you put Nana. - No, we are not discussing that, Tom. 17 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,990 Sheltered accommodation, 18 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,510 Tom -- she's got a Hitachi TV, she's living the effing dream! 19 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,710 We bought this on our first date, Les -- Alton Towers. 20 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:05,350 Leicester years. We were the scourge of Leicester, Tom. 21 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,670 - Were you? - We didn't do it any favours, that's for sure. 22 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,190 Les, tell him about the time I wee'd in the swimming pool. 23 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,390 Oh, he wee'd in the swimming pool, Tom. 24 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,910 - Oh, yeah? - Hammered. 25 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,190 In the middle of the day, as well. 26 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:19,390 Wonderful. Well, I'm going to see Maeve, debrief on last night's date. 27 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:20,910 Oh, tell her mum says hi, then. 28 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,670 It was from the diving board, Tom. 29 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:25,430 - Fabulous. - People clapped. 30 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,310 - Your father clapped. - And off I pop. 31 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,480 No! Oh, no-no-no... 32 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,310 But... Sorry, he asked you to get back with him? 33 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,190 He was quite upset. Couldn't finish his peshwari naan. 34 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,390 But hold on -- Luke asked you, and you, rather than him, said "no"? 35 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,990 I know it's difficult to compute. 36 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,790 He's awful with the waiters, Hermione. 37 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,830 Sorry... He works for the UN, Ellen. 38 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,990 He's met Ban Ki-moon -- he's offered him a Smint. 39 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,070 He mentioned, a few times. 40 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,430 If you like him so much, why don't you go out with him? 41 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,350 The day I get sloppy seconds from you 42 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,710 is the day I lie in a bath and, as they say, commit suicide. 43 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,870 Baby, don't over-estimate yourself. 44 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,070 Luke's willing to overlook a hell of a lot. 45 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,110 You're new to London, you temp, you're Northern, 46 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,950 and I'm only telling you painful truths because I care. 47 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,790 What's painful about it? That's my life. 48 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,270 I know. Breaks my heart. 49 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,510 Oi-oi, here comes trouble. [BUILDER WOLF-WHISTLES] 50 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,270 - Put it away, Norm! - Oh, God! 51 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,350 Just smile and absorb it, don't be frigid. 52 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,510 - Hey, guys! What up? - You all right, girls? 53 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,070 How you feeling? Lonely? Want a little cuddle? 54 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,070 She is a bit lonely, actually. Good shout, buddy. 55 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,550 Hey, you, cheer yourself up, it might never happen. 56 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,910 I mean, it is happening -- THIS is happening. 57 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,670 Don't be so moody, Ellen. Time of the month, is it? Eh, boys? 58 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,120 - This has been nice. I'm going to my car. - Oi, love... 59 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,830 Why don't you show us where you piss from? 60 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,590 [HERMIONE LAUGHS] Oh, naughty! Bit of a firecracker! 61 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,390 I don't mind it, and I think it's great, 62 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,990 but for some, that's a bit much. 63 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,830 Well, don't do anything I wouldn't do. 64 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,990 Want to have a little play with Kevin and the twins? 65 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,580 Who's Kev...? 66 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,270 NERVOUS GIGGLE 67 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,350 Ellen, you'll never guess what just happened. 68 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,710 We were having a nice chat and I was about to ask him about 69 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,670 his working conditions, because I'm actually really interested... 70 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,350 CRASH AND HERMIONE SCREAMS 71 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:17,750 Ellen! 72 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,400 CAR ENGINE REVS 73 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,270 Bless her. Come on, Squidge. 74 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,790 Those houses won't build themselves. 75 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,830 Oh, my Lord! 76 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,830 Come on, then. Lay it on me. 77 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,230 Where's Lincoln? 78 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:42,590 What...? Say again? 79 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,510 - Where's Lincoln? - East Midlands. - Good... 80 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,790 Cool. So, saw Liz Tang last night, don't hold back. 81 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,190 I've been Tangoed. What's the feedback? 82 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,750 How... like, tall do you think the Shard is? 83 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,030 What are you doing, Maeve? 84 00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,470 Oh, I'm just updating the Wikipedia entry for England. 85 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:01,990 Right, I mean, you're a barrister -- 86 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,750 should you not be doing, you know, your bits and bobs? 87 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,990 - They've left out a ton of stuff. - Hmm? 88 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,910 - Lincoln, the Shard, Watchdog... - Uh-huh. 89 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,350 Giving myself a little mention. 90 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,190 - Does it need to mention you, do you think? - Well, it mentions Tring. 91 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:16,870 - Fair play, then. - Um, so... Um, yeah. 92 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,550 Liz Tang... 93 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,590 I was just on the phone to her, actually... 94 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:24,550 Before you start blabbing on, I just want to say thank you, really, 95 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,550 because last night, more than any other dates I've been on, 96 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,150 I was just myself. 97 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,270 And just thanks for that advice, basically. 98 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,110 - What, did I say that? - Yes, you did. 99 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,670 - "Just be yourself"? - Indeed. 100 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,750 Um, how do you think it went? 101 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,990 Quietly confident. 102 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,280 It's a "no" from her. 103 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,310 Good. Well, that's a relief. Um, good. 104 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,990 To be honest, I don't really have time for a woman in my life 105 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,390 at the moment anyway, because I'm building up to Ironman Australia. 106 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,270 So... Well, I'm off. 107 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,430 Oh, just a quick... Width of a Beefeater's hat? 108 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:00,080 Not now, Maeve. 109 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,310 Ellen, pull over. I'm hyperventilating! 110 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,310 There you are, so don't say I'm not impulsive. 111 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,870 - I never ever say that, anyway. - Well, don't say it from now on. 112 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,030 Oh, Jesus! I won't tell Luke, don't worry. 113 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,670 I don't care about Luke! What about the Met? 114 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,750 How anal are they, in regards to crime these days? 115 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,190 Tell me if it's a bad time to bring it up, 116 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,830 but is it OK that I invited Luke to Sian's house-warming later? 117 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,070 - No. - If this madness ends and you do -- fingers crossed -- 118 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,470 - get back with Luke... - Um... 119 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,310 .. he would actually do his best to secure me an internship at the UN. 120 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,870 - I mean, I'm manifestly speechless! - It would be paid, is the thing. 121 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,070 I've just rammed a van, 122 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,270 and you're talking about trading me like a prostitute for your career. 123 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,510 Don't think of it as a trade -- 124 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,590 think of it as a lease, or a loan, if that helps. 125 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,510 It doesn't help. I'm getting some ciggies. 126 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,230 Ellen, the only thing I've ever truly wanted for my career is... 127 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,230 .. training to be an estate agent, but carry on. 128 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,230 Oh, like the UN doesn't need estate agents?! 129 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,430 Those refugees will need somewhere to live, Ellen, 130 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,030 and I can secure them houses at very competitive prices. 131 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,590 Good on you! 132 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,150 Agh! 133 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,340 Oh! 134 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,120 Ow... 135 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:24,560 Lovely... 136 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:31,630 Seven seconds on low, just take the edge off the chill, 137 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:36,070 maintain the bouquet and oopsie-doopsie-daisy-doe, 138 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:39,390 a perfect rhubarb yog for you. 139 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,590 Ta. Still tossing your Amstrad, but... 140 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,790 Next, on the perfect afternoon with Ashley and Lesley, 141 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,790 MasterChef quarter finale on BBC's iPlayer. 142 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,360 VOICES ON TV 143 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:53,950 Well, eat it quickly, Les. 144 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,310 Room temperature plays havoc with Asda dairy. 145 00:07:56,360 --> 00:08:00,110 Left out an eight-pack of Petits Filous -- absolute massacre. 146 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,680 Mmm. 147 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,750 DOOR SHUTS 148 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,430 Lovely. 149 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,750 Now, don't go panicking, it looks worse than it is. 150 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,790 Oh, no -- not this! Tom... 151 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,430 I just had a little accident, banged my head, but honestly... 152 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,110 - Oh, my God -- he's hit his head, Ashley! - I'll pause MasterChef. 153 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,670 - A head injury, Christ! What's your name? - I'm Tom. 154 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,470 Lesley, don't stop eating it! It'll be tepid in five seconds. 155 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,390 I was just on my bike and a car door opened. 156 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,110 - Joyce's boy had a head injury and he ended up a plumber! - Right... 157 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,790 The perfect temperature is the thing, Lesley! 158 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:29,950 Who did this to you? 159 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,790 Her name's Ellen Baxter. She's pretty fit, actually. 160 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,070 - Mmm... - Ashley! 161 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,830 Yes, well there's no point wasting a perfectly good rhubarb yog. 162 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:38,150 Our son! 163 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:42,550 Liz, I can be concerned and simultaneously eat a rhuby yog. 164 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,150 There's no right way to grieve. 165 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,870 - I just think I need to sit down. - Ashley, shift. 166 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,030 Dad, get up. 167 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,760 Yes, let's reconvene after MasterChef. 168 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,820 Kate's made an emulsion. 169 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,350 I thought he was quite... unusual. 170 00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,590 Yeah, I was there. 171 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,670 Did you see? I just opened the door and he slammed right into it. 172 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,110 And I just kind of dusted my shoulder, kind of easy-osy, 173 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,110 when, "Hmm, fancy seeing you here". 174 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,790 He actually retched at first, and he... He had some dribble. 175 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,750 So, she's looking at me, like, "Wham-bam, this guy got some sugar." 176 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,390 It was quite a nice chat, in some ways. 177 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,830 Moments later, I had her details stuffed in my back pock. 178 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,910 - You didn't give him your number? - For insurance. 179 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,110 - Still counts! - Did you tell her you were unemployed? 180 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,270 No, I didn't tell her I'm unemployed. I don't think publishing a blog entry 181 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,630 - once a day can really mean that you're... - He is jobless. 182 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,750 - No, fair do's. - But he's very ambitious. 183 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,270 She sells these craft things online, like she does these vintage posters. 184 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,510 She's going to an art class later in Shoreditch. 185 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,110 I mean, it's like I just cycled into Simone de Beauvoir! 186 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,360 I don't even know who that is. 187 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,600 Well, hold on a minute... 188 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,350 Crikey O'Digby! That's where I saw her. 189 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,670 - Last night. - In the alley, how weird. 190 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,030 How funny. 191 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,270 That's a sign, isn't it? 192 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,990 I mean, that is the meaningful hand of fate. 193 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,400 God, it's so obvious. I'll surprise her at the art class. 194 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,710 - You are not going painting, Tom. - You don't really paint, Tom. 195 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,870 I used to dabble when I was younger, I think I can... 196 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,870 - What, at primary school? - Doesn't matter when. The important thing is, 197 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,030 I'm trained. I particularly like working with... 198 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,030 - Did you mean primary school, Tom? - No, I did not! 199 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,950 What do you particularly like working with? 200 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,430 - Crayon and paper portraits, mainly. - Oh, shame. 201 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,230 - Potato cut-outs, sometimes. - Deary me. 202 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,080 - You're a tit in trainers, Tom! - Love you! 203 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,750 - Hey. - Um... 204 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,800 Oh, hello. Fine. 205 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:32,070 Just doing my laces up and you sort of crept up on me. 206 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,550 Well, I just opened my front door. 207 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,590 Didn't want to interview a suspect with my laces all flailing around. 208 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,510 Did you say "suspect"? 209 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,150 Can I come in? 210 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,390 Well, I was just going to an art class... 211 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,790 Oh, right. You're busy, are you? 212 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,230 It's just that someone has driven, with intense speed, 213 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:47,750 into a Leukaemia charity van. 214 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,340 A Leukaemia... 215 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,840 .. charity van? Um... 216 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:59,270 Yeah, yeah, I mean, everything, really -- landscapes, still life, 217 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,190 mobile life, so like a fruit bowl, but, um, plummeting... 218 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:04,550 There's a seat for you here. 219 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:05,870 Ah, lovely. 220 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:10,070 Um, deary me, my old friend, the easel. 221 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,470 Oooh, Private Pine, standing at ease. 222 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,990 Standing at easel. Standing at easel! 223 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,620 "Standing at easel"? No. 224 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,910 Were there any leukaemia victims actually in the van? 225 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,390 Oh, no, no. 226 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,750 I don't think they need to be sort of shuttled around. 227 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,350 - No, I suppose not. - They're quite mobile. - Yeah. 228 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,070 I mean, a few pots of paint were spilled, but... 229 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,070 Oh -- so, no human damage, then? 230 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,390 No, no. 231 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,950 Of course, there were the wigs. 232 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,110 Wigs? 233 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,360 The paint ruined all the wigs. 234 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,990 And what are the wigs for? 235 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,150 Well, they're to create the illusion of hair. 236 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,270 No... In this case, though? 237 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,630 In this case, they're for the children -- 238 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:56,710 so the children can live a normal life, go to school, 239 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,760 so they're not shunned for their chemotherapy. 240 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,430 But of course, on this occasion, they won't get their wigs, 241 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,620 which is devastatingly sad... 242 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:09,990 .. and enraging. 243 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,190 I get nervous before I paint, sometimes. 244 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,510 It's the thrill of it, isn't it, partly? 245 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,200 What's going to... get drawn. 246 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:41,390 "Did you ram the van?" 247 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,440 I guess, is the headline. 248 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,590 No, I didn't, no. 249 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,920 No. No? 250 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,110 You see, that's thrown me. 251 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,670 I was hoping you'd confess, because I... 252 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,590 Well, I'm meeting Badger at five to play badminton 253 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,910 and yes, I will be checking his shuttlecocks this time 254 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,900 for signs of foul play. 255 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,320 Excuse me? 256 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,150 Hi, have you got a mirror? 257 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,270 No, I don't. 258 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:12,790 You haven't got just a hand mirror? 259 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,550 No, sorry. 260 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,990 How quickly can you draw, then? 261 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,600 - You want me to draw...? - No, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. 262 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,480 OK, I think we're all ready to get started. 263 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,220 Hi, sorry I'm late. 264 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,990 Whoa, no-no-no-no, this seat's taken. 265 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,510 There aren't any other chairs. 266 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,230 - Um, er... - OK, if we're all ready? 267 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,760 OK, Ellen... 268 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,430 Oh, God. No! 269 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,310 No, no... 270 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,630 God, no, no, no, no... 271 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:05,270 Please, please, don't, don't... 272 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,590 Stop, please, please. 273 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,240 No need, no need... I beg of you... 274 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,200 DOOR SHUTS 275 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,550 'Now, then -- I... Sorry, earlier, for staring at you -- not staring, 276 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,950 'but inadvertently seeing your breasts, your body, because... 277 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,830 'It was just because, you know, you mentioned about the art class 278 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,630 'and just out of interest, because you'd opened a door in my face -- 279 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,350 'which by the way, I don't care -- aching jaws and eyes -- bovvered(?) 280 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,070 LAUGHING: 'But I just didn't assume 281 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,990 'that you'd be getting your clothes off for money. 282 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,470 'You little slut(!) 283 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,470 'No, no, no, because it's the drawing is what makes it not perving, 284 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,030 'which is why I did a little sketch on the bus home, 285 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,390 'show it to you some time. 286 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,910 'I guess the reason I came and found you, in all your glory, 287 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,230 'was that I just... I don't know, when I met you, 288 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:41,150 'we didn't have much time and maybe I could go for a coffee one day? 289 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,790 'With you -- I wouldn't want to go on my own, I'd feel like a plum. 290 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,710 'But I'm not... I mean, I haven't actually said anything, 291 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,470 'so don't make out like I'm sort of bloody madly strutting around 292 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,470 'with a big banner with your face all over it. 293 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:52,830 'You're not Mao Zedong! 294 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,470 'You can redo these sometimes can't you, um, Ellen? 295 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,230 'Um...' 296 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,820 Text me, bye. 297 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,700 Well, good luck to you, Tom. 298 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,020 'Ellen, um... 299 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,800 'Text me, bye.' 300 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,710 - Yeah, so that's a shame. - TEXT ALERT 301 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,350 Oh, Cags wants you to send her Sian's address for the party. 302 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,030 Yeah, OK. 303 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,030 I think maybe this guy likes me. 304 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,150 Yes, obviously he likes you. He's a stalker! 305 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,430 He likes you so much, he'll probably want to eat you 306 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:29,950 and wear your back as a wig. 307 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,310 Use your feet to store umbrellas, or something. 308 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,310 I thought he might have been all right. 309 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,630 I was thinking of inviting him to the party 310 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,310 in a "relaxed, don't really care, inviting you almost because 311 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,990 "I can't be bothered not to invite you" kind of way, if that... 312 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:45,830 - Does that work? - No, it doesn't. Cags, Ellen. - Yes, OK. 313 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,870 But now he's trailed me, like I'm an antelope... 314 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,190 And stared at you naked, and called you a slut. 315 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,510 Why is everyone a psychopath? 316 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:56,300 - Yeah, present company excepted. - Yeah... 317 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,150 I think I'll just play it safe. 318 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,760 Just send him a short, meaningless text and give nothing away. 319 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,190 TOM SIGHS 320 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,200 - PHONE VIBRATES - Oh. 321 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:12,910 Oh, my God! 322 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,040 She's all over me. 323 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,430 - Dad! - ASHLEY LAUGHS 324 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,110 Get me to the church on time(!) 325 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,750 There's nothing there, mate. It's a desert. 326 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,590 - Sorry, Tom. - No, it's fine. 327 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,180 I should probably forget all about it. 328 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,670 - So, this is the nook. - This is the vortex. 329 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,150 Guess you can't really complain about the bishop, Dad. 330 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,710 Supposing I find the other 31 pieces and the board 331 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,270 and start playing chess? 332 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,710 Is this a tactic, Ashley? To nook my belongings? 333 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,670 - Is this your next play? - Not at all, no. 334 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,030 I'm just putting some things we don't need in the nook. 335 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,750 I know you're lying, Ashley. I can tell from your body language. 336 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,230 What? You don't even know body language. 337 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,390 They don't teach that to people who can hear. 338 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,870 That's sign language, you bloody ape! Is that my Saga magazine? 339 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,630 - Oh, God! - Where? 340 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,350 They're sending me crazy, Maeve. 341 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,670 - Mum said that you harassed someone. - What? No, no, I didn't. I... 342 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,950 Yes, I followed someone to an appointment, and yes, 343 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,070 I saw them in the nuddy-duddy, but that's just... 344 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,670 - Just what gets you off. - No! Well, I didn't mind it. 345 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,510 - PHONE VIBRATES - Oh, text. 346 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,350 Oh, oops! 347 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:17,670 I think this is OK, 348 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,230 but I just accidentally sent Tom the address to the party. 349 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,790 - Why? - Well, I was trying to send it to Cags. 350 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,710 - Why didn't you send it to Cags, then? - Helpful(!) 351 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,510 - Oh, you don't think he's going to...? - No, I don't think he'll... 352 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,350 Uh-oh, someone just got invited to a party -- moi, me! 353 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,230 - Oh, my days! What does it say? - Quite to the point. 354 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,430 "Hey, Cags," which I presume is some kind of East London slang term, 355 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,230 "colon, address for the party." Simple. 356 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,590 Right. Are you sure it's meant for you? 357 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,270 Hmm, let me just think. Did it come to my number or not? 358 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:48,390 Er, yes, it did, so yes, it was, so let's par-tay! 359 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,030 Does that... mean he's coming? 360 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,390 No. No. 361 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,550 It won't. 362 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,350 - Surely not? - Surely not. 363 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,510 - Oh, surely not, Tom. - Let's hit the road! 364 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:02,390 - Ow! Bloody hell, finger nails, Lesley! - Oh, sorry, did that hurt(?) 365 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:03,790 Oh, it's like you sharpen them! 366 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,830 - Well, they don't sharpen themselves. - What?! 367 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,150 Ding dong, I'm off to the ball. 368 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,910 Tom, the Amstrad! You'll pass a skip somewhere. 369 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,430 Just dump it for me, please. 370 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,270 This is one of the ones I have to win. 371 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,910 - He got to keep his cactus. - All right, fine, I don't care. 372 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,270 - Lesley?! - Go! 373 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,150 Lesley, what's going on? 374 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,540 Nothing. 375 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,590 Oh, good. Luke's dropping by at some point. 376 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,750 What? Oh, my God, stop it! 377 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,030 I shouldn't have to say this, 378 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,510 but stop using me as sex bait to get an internship. 379 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,630 The term is actually "honey trap", Ellen, but... 380 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,310 I don't care. You don't even know what the UN does. 381 00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,190 - Yes, I do! - What's it do, then? 382 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,180 Jesus Christ, I mean... 383 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,830 - Eloise...? - You can't get help from a friend. - I don't like Eloise. 384 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,310 OK, well that's not my point. 385 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,590 She's actually fatter than she is, you know? 386 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,310 Well, I don't understand that, so... 387 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,870 She's actually a fatter person than she actually is. 388 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,550 - That's the same sentence. - DOORBELL RINGS 389 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,830 Oh, that'll be Luke now. 390 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,280 Perfect(!) 391 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,750 Ugh, it's you. 392 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,030 Yes, hi. Is Ellen in? She invited... 393 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,510 - No, she didn't. - She did, actually. Bitten by the bug. 394 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,510 It was an admin error, she told me. 395 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,710 - No, it wasn't. Listen, Cags... - Eh? 396 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,270 I just like her, so just see what she thinks, because... 397 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,310 - No. - She might... - She won't. - I'm honestly... 398 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,900 - Oh, you're a worm! - What? - A worm! 399 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,070 - Er... - I knew you'd do that and I waited, 400 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,160 to save me the bother of coming back. The answer is "no"! 401 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,280 Hmm. 402 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,030 Luke's here! 403 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:17,630 CHEERING 404 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,680 Paco Rabanne? Don't mind if I do. 405 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,280 Hmm, pure sex. 406 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,200 SEXUAL MOANS AND LOUNGE MUSIC ON TV 407 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,350 I think I'm in the wrong place. 408 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,310 What are you doing in our flat? 409 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,390 I think I must have gone too high or too left. 410 00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,510 I thought there was a party? 411 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,500 The party is next door. 412 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,310 Stay and watch, if you want. 413 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:06,560 Um... 414 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,710 TV: 'Oh! Oh, yeah...' 415 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,350 Nah. Nah, you're OK. 416 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,000 Thanks, though. 417 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,750 - She's not pulling any punches, is she? - No. 418 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,590 - We know her. - Do you? 419 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,030 Go bowling with her. 420 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,230 That's... lovely. 421 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,390 MOANS CLIMAX 422 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,310 And how are you? 423 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:30,710 I'm OK. 424 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,830 These were flown in from Isfahan this morning. 425 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,420 Oh, thank you. 426 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,860 Your favourite cupcake. 427 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,510 You can have as many as you like. 428 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,070 Your figure's brilliant. 429 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,470 - Thank you. - Eat it. - What? 430 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,510 - Come on, eat it up. - Hermione? 431 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,630 Eat the cupcake. Seriously. 432 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,910 - So, this is all original... - TV: 'Oh... Oh, yeah...' 433 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,150 - Right. - .. and we just had it painted. 434 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,550 Did you really? Well, it's a good life. 435 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,710 Um, I'm probably going to... I'm Tom, by the way. 436 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,190 - Sorry, what were your names? - Monica. - Monica and...? 437 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,070 Douglas Carol Pine. 438 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:14,120 - Carol? - Carol can be a man's name, as well. - OK, OK. 439 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,830 It can't, but fine. I'm probably going to go... 440 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,270 - Oh, don't leave. - I really want to. 441 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:25,190 Oh, please don't. My scene's coming up. Fast forward, Monica. 442 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,380 Don't, Monica. Monica, don't. 443 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:34,790 SHE CHOKES 444 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,710 What's happening? She's choking. 445 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,590 - What? - She's choking on the ring! 446 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,190 - What?! - Oh, my God, tell me she's got private health insurance! 447 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,110 - Do it properly, Luke! - Um... Will you marry me? 448 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,110 - MUFFLED COMPLAINTS - You said she'd be up for this! 449 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,550 - Do the list, Luke! - Oh, er... 450 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,310 - Ban Ki-moon, 70G a year, um... - Otter! - .. and I got you an otter. 451 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,470 A ceramic otter, because on your first weekend away, you saw an otter. 452 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,750 You have to pay me back for that, by the way, Luke. 453 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,830 ELLEN COUGHS AND RING DROPS 454 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,910 The answer is "no". 455 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,870 I mean, obviously! 456 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,670 Ellen, what's your problem?! He's a nine, you're six -- max! 457 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:09,060 - Why am I a...? - Leeds, maybe! 458 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,150 SEDUCTIVE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS 459 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,880 Notice how the sax really cuts through the mix. 460 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,430 Oh, yeah. It does, actually. 461 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:29,590 Must say, really glad you took a wrong turn. 462 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,480 Good... Oh, Christ on the old cross, mate! 463 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,320 PARTY MUSIC FROM INSIDE FLAT 464 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,270 Hey, how are you doing? 465 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,600 Lovely. 466 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,110 Which Shrek do you like most? 467 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,870 Oh, my God! I'm calling the police, he's stalking Ellen! 468 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,430 What? No, don't. Where is she? 469 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,430 - It's ringing. - Just... That was quick. 470 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,480 I just need to see her one more time, that's all. 471 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,020 Right, oh, my God! 472 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,190 - Who are you? - I don't know who these people are. 473 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,710 - Oh, bye, Tom. Nice to see you. - Absolutely no idea. 474 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,000 - Never met him before in my life... - Who likes vermouth? 475 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,190 Ellen? 476 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,510 Ellen! 477 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,240 MUSIC: To Be Alone With You by Sufjan Stevens 478 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,560 THUNDER RUMBLES 479 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,070 'Passenger announcement. 480 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:46,310 'No trains will be stopping at this station, folks. 481 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:49,510 'Can everyone please exit the station in an orderly fashion 482 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:52,910 'and seek alternative means of transport. Thank you.' 483 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,190 PHONE RINGS 484 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,110 - 'Dramatic change of plan, Tom. - Yes? 485 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,430 'Save the Amstrad at all costs.' 486 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,070 It's pretty poor timing, Mum. 487 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,430 'It's got my diary of the Leicester years, Tom -- 488 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:05,870 'it's the chronicle of our love.' 489 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,640 It describes our first-ever bridge game, Tom, it's sacrosanct. 490 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,430 It's not coming home, Mum. 491 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,790 - No! - No! - No! - No! - No! 492 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,110 No, no, it has everything, Tom, it has everything, 493 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,150 it's got the Harry Ramsden's dinner, Tom. 494 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,710 'I didn't realise -- it's everything, Tom.' 495 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:25,830 We had three cod between two that night, Tom. 496 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,310 'Love is like that when you get together with someone. 497 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,910 'It was heady, it was mad, it was the Midlands in the '70s! 498 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,070 'Save the Amstrad, Tom! Save it at all costs, 499 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,550 - 'if it's the last thing you ever...' - HE HANGS UP 500 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,360 THUNDERCLAP 501 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,000 SONG: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes 502 00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:50,320 This is the first day of my life 503 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,720 Swear I was born right in the doorway 504 00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,390 I went out in the rain 505 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,230 Suddenly everything changed 506 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:05,720 They're spreading blankets on the beach 507 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,560 Yours is the first face that I saw 508 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:15,960 I think I was blind before I met you 509 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,070 Now I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been 510 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:25,360 But I know where I want to go 511 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,600 And so I thought I'd let you know 512 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,630 That these things take forever 513 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,680 I especially am slow 514 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,470 But I realise that I need you 515 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:43,590 And I wondered if I could come home 516 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:47,360 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm... 517 00:28:47,410 --> 00:28:51,960 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40824

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