Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,100 --> 00:00:06,500
Are you fucking deaf?
2
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,940
I said, are you fucking deaf?
3
00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:14,250
If you are, then you may be thinking
of investing in a digital hearing aid.
4
00:00:14,340 --> 00:00:17,580
Audio Clear hearing aids
are discreet and...
5
00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:18,860
Is this for real?
6
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:20,100
What's up, Steven?
7
00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:22,300
Well, there's swearing
in this advert.
8
00:00:22,340 --> 00:00:23,900
All kinds of effin' and jeffin'.
9
00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:26,580
Are you really allowed to
broadcast this on the radio? I mean,
10
00:00:26,620 --> 00:00:28,860
even Channel 4 doesn't have
swearing in their adverts.
11
00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:31,500
Anything goes these days.
It's the 21st century, my friend.
12
00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:35,060
Oh, God, yeah.
No taboos left anywhere any more.
13
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:36,820
OK, let's crack on.
14
00:00:36,860 --> 00:00:40,860
Actually, I've gotta go, so I'll see
you next week, Steven, yeah?
15
00:00:40,980 --> 00:00:43,100
KISSING
16
00:00:43,140 --> 00:00:47,140
QUIETLY: What the blazes
is this ritual?
17
00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:55,580
IMITATES GUNSHOT
18
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:58,300
Where's that clown off to?
To see his therapist.
19
00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:00,620
His therapist?!
Ha, that doesn't surprise me.
20
00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,500
Danny's considering
a sex-change operation.
21
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:05,020
A sex-change operation?
Yeah, it's mostly because he thinks
22
00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:07,380
his clothes'll suit him better
if he's a woman.
23
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:09,140
Just something he's been
mulling over for a while.
24
00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:12,060
SNORTS
Talking to a therapist about it.
25
00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:13,780
Well, I've heard everything.
26
00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:16,180
Sex-change operations,
swearing in adverts -
27
00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:18,820
these really are the last days
of Sodom.
28
00:01:18,860 --> 00:01:21,020
Try that line again there, Steven?
29
00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:22,660
Yeah.
30
00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:26,660
Audio Clear hearing aids are discreet
and fit snugly into the ear.
31
00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:30,100
Check out our website today
for details.
32
00:01:30,140 --> 00:01:34,140
How the fuck was that?
33
00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:01,340
Nuts. Do you remember?
34
00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:05,180
That musical you did about the...
the horrors of mental illness.
35
00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:08,100
Ugh, probably the worst
production I've ever been in.
36
00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:11,740
Yes, you've been in more than
your fair share of bad productions.
37
00:02:11,780 --> 00:02:14,380
Yeah, Ray Purchase was in that.
38
00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:17,700
Played an out-of-control
schizophrenic called Magpie
39
00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:20,540
and used that as an excuse
to pinch everyone's fags.
40
00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:23,340
And I swore I'd never work with him
again.
41
00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:26,780
Yes, do you remember you opened
the trapdoor on stage
42
00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:28,340
and he fell right through?
43
00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:29,660
LAUGHS
Yes, he did!
44
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:33,500
I will make my nest.
I will be happy.
45
00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:34,620
TRAPDOOR OPENS
46
00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:38,060
AUDIENCE GASPS
Argh!
47
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:41,140
People told me he'd broken his back
but he hadn't.
48
00:02:41,180 --> 00:02:44,260
Just his arm and his collarbone.
49
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:45,620
Yes.
50
00:02:45,660 --> 00:02:49,660
Anyway, while I'm here, any news
on my Dickie Davies biopic audition?
51
00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:53,780
Dickie Davies audition...
52
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:55,660
That was a no.
53
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:58,700
A no?! How can it be a no, Jane?
54
00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:02,260
I look exactly like him.
Ooh, now, this is really big news!
55
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:04,660
The Royal Variety Performance
people have been on.
56
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:07,620
They'd like you to take part
this year, in the newly
57
00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:09,700
reopened Regency Theatre.
58
00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:13,060
The Regency Theatre?
Isn't that now a Chicken Paradise?
59
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:17,100
Yes, it was in a dreadful state,
but then a lot of showbiz folk
60
00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:20,420
got together to buy it back
and refurbish it.
61
00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:22,700
I'm not doing
the Royal Variety Performance, Jane.
62
00:03:22,740 --> 00:03:25,780
All charity work is a complete
waste of time and money,
63
00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:27,860
and usually does more harm than good.
64
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,380
Remember Live Aid?
65
00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:33,420
They'd like you to perform
the Amazing Egyptian Sand Dance,
66
00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,940
made famous in the 1930s.
67
00:03:35,980 --> 00:03:39,020
The bloody Sand Dance?
I've not done that for years.
68
00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:40,380
LAUGHS
69
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:44,380
Hold on a second, you need two
performers for that routine.
70
00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:46,660
Yes, so I suggested, erm...
71
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:49,260
What, Ray bloody Purchase?
72
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:52,380
I told you two seconds ago, I never
wanted to work with him again.
73
00:03:52,420 --> 00:03:54,900
Did you?
Well, maybe not two seconds,
74
00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,180
but certainly in
the very recent past.
75
00:03:57,220 --> 00:03:59,700
OK, OK, I shall demand
they don't ask Ray Purchase
76
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,980
to perform with you.
That'll be an absolute nonstarter.
77
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:06,900
Ah, I'm not doing any charity work,
Jane, for anyone, ever.
78
00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:08,980
Oh, here's a thing...
79
00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:10,660
Kevin Spacey'll be there.
80
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,580
Who?
Kevin Spacey?
81
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:16,620
Major actor, director
and big player in Hollywood.
82
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:20,780
He's become very immersed
in the whole London scene.
83
00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:23,700
Rumour has it, he's looking
for someone to play
84
00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:26,500
the British attache in the new
series of the House Of Cards.
85
00:04:26,540 --> 00:04:28,300
I'll do it.
86
00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:30,220
This charity event, count me in.
87
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,780
You've changed your tune, Toast.
88
00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:34,580
All a waste of time and money
a second ago.
89
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,820
Obviously I know who Kevin Spacey is.
90
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,780
I just said "who" to give me
some time to think about the offer.
91
00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:42,220
British attache? Hmm!
92
00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:46,260
Yes, yes, House of Cards,
I'll be splendid in that.
93
00:04:46,540 --> 00:04:49,060
Ever seen it? No.
94
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:53,100
Anyway, who's presenting at this
Royal Variety Performance?
95
00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:54,620
Bob Monkhouse!
96
00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:55,740
Isn't he dead?
97
00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:59,780
No! Why does everybody say that?
Bob is very much alive.
98
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,380
He's just got remarried, in fact.
99
00:05:02,420 --> 00:05:04,540
Apparently his new wife's
a complete zombie.
100
00:05:04,580 --> 00:05:07,180
Anyway, I'll tell them you're on
board.
101
00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:11,220
India, Royal Variety -
patch me through.
102
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,780
I hate the Royal Variety Performance
103
00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:17,980
but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,
he's bound to cast me
104
00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:22,020
as the British attache in the new
series of House Of Cards.
105
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:26,220
Sorry, Toast, I was just reading
a review of the revival
106
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:28,380
of The Government Inspector
at the Lyric.
107
00:05:28,420 --> 00:05:31,060
It's not very good.
108
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:34,420
I was saying, I mean, I hate
the Royal Variety Performance,
109
00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,500
but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,
110
00:05:36,540 --> 00:05:40,540
he's bound to cast me
as the British attache.
111
00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:45,140
Sorry, Toast, I was just reading a
review of the revival of Abigail's Party
112
00:05:45,180 --> 00:05:46,620
at the Young Vic.
113
00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:49,860
Not very good.
114
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:53,180
I was saying, I hate the Royal
Variety Performance, but if... Oh!
115
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:57,220
Hang on, old chap,
I was reading that!
116
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,300
DOOR CREAKS
117
00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:03,740
Who the hell is that?
118
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:07,780
That'll be for me.
119
00:06:08,180 --> 00:06:12,180
Here's your magazines, Ed.
120
00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:17,300
What is it, Ed?
121
00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:18,940
It's some copies of Woman's Realm.
122
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,900
Woman's Realm?
I didn't think that was still going.
123
00:06:21,940 --> 00:06:24,740
It isn't. These are vintage copies.
It's very hard to find.
124
00:06:24,780 --> 00:06:26,340
I'm a bit of a collector.
125
00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:29,500
Well, isn't it just knitting patterns
for old ladies?
126
00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:30,580
Oh, yes.
127
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:33,060
Oh, God! Who delivered them?
128
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:35,060
John Nettles?
No, he does Titbits.
129
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,860
This is a chap called Larry Muggins.
130
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:39,860
Anything you want, he can find.
Probably at a discount price.
131
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:40,940
Really?
Oh, yes.
132
00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:43,700
Yes, anything from a rare edition
of a Ken Follett novel
133
00:06:43,740 --> 00:06:45,940
to a sex-change operation.
134
00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:47,540
Sex-change operation?!
135
00:06:47,580 --> 00:06:48,660
Oh, yes.
136
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,700
Well, that idiot Danny Bear
at Scramble Studios
137
00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:53,100
was talking about getting
a sex-change operation.
138
00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:55,180
Reckoned it would suit his clothes.
139
00:06:55,220 --> 00:06:58,100
Oh, this chap Muggins can
probably organise it for him.
140
00:06:58,140 --> 00:07:00,260
And there's likely to be a queue
for the op at the NHS.
141
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:01,700
I can put in a word, if you like?
142
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:04,980
Well, you know, why not?
It's no odds to me.
143
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:07,860
So, who's hosting the
Royal Variety Performance this year?
144
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:08,900
Bob Monkhouse.
145
00:07:08,940 --> 00:07:11,020
Bob Monkhouse?!
146
00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:12,900
Thanks for coming, old chap.
147
00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:15,260
With a name like Toast,
I thought you'd pop up.
148
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,940
OTHERS LAUGH
Glad you decided to become involved.
149
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:20,460
Jane said you don't usually
do any charity work.
150
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:24,500
Not true at all.
You're thinking of Dickie Davies.
151
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:28,500
Weather's been very warm, hasn't it?
Especially at nights.
152
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:31,100
These days,
I love to sleep in the nude.
153
00:07:31,140 --> 00:07:35,140
Not a bad thing, except of course
on those really long flights.
154
00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:38,140
OTHERS LAUGH
What?
155
00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:40,780
Anyway, meet the organising committee
before we go down to the theatre.
156
00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:42,980
Hello, Dennis Fog.
Dense Fog?
157
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:44,540
No, Dennis Fog.
158
00:07:44,580 --> 00:07:45,980
Sorry, nice to meet you.
159
00:07:46,020 --> 00:07:47,140
Hello, Derek Bildings.
160
00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:48,820
Derelict Buildings?
161
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:50,300
No, Derek Bildings.
162
00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:52,340
Sorry, nice to meet you.
163
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:53,620
Hello, er, Shane Fulorgy.
164
00:07:53,660 --> 00:07:54,740
Shameful Orgy?
165
00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:56,100
Shane Fulorgy.
166
00:07:56,140 --> 00:07:58,060
Sorry, nice to meet you.
167
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,620
I never wanted to believe my dad
was stealing from his job
168
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:04,180
as a road worker, but when I got
home all the signs were there!
169
00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:06,580
OTHERS LAUGH
170
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,660
Anyway, I just wanna say, er,
how it warms my heart
171
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:13,700
that so many top turns are willing
to give their time to charity.
172
00:08:14,780 --> 00:08:17,220
Ray bloody Purchase.
173
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:21,260
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Steven Toast.
174
00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:24,660
Tell us more about your substantial
charity work, Toast.
175
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,540
I'd love to hear about it.
176
00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:30,460
I specifically told Jane I never
wanted to work with you again.
177
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:33,060
Well, tough tit, Toast.
178
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:35,980
Steven Toast, everyone.
He'll buy you a pint with one hand
179
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:38,220
and sleep with your wife
with the other.
180
00:08:38,260 --> 00:08:40,060
Why don't you shut up and sit down?
181
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:41,940
Here's a thing I've noticed.
182
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:44,100
People seem to think
I come from Kent.
183
00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:47,420
I hear them
mutter the word as I walk past!
184
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,500
What?
I'm really looking forward to this.
185
00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:51,420
You know Kevin Spacey's
gonna be there?
186
00:08:51,460 --> 00:08:52,660
I didn't know that.
187
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,220
Yes, you did.
188
00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:56,500
I know for a fact that Jane Plough
told you about it.
189
00:08:56,540 --> 00:08:59,740
She texted me, she e-mailed me,
she wrote me a postcard, she told me
190
00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:02,300
to my face that she definitely,
definitely told you about it.
191
00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:05,460
Did she? Well, I must have forgotten.
192
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:08,380
And we've just heard this morning
that Prince Charles
193
00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:10,820
and his delightful wife,
Camilla Parker Bowles,
194
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:12,900
are also coming along.
195
00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:14,940
Now, I think it would be
a terrific idea to present them
196
00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:16,540
with a souvenir of the occasion.
197
00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:17,940
Who wants to look after that?
198
00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:21,540
I think Toast should be
in charge of securing
199
00:09:21,580 --> 00:09:23,380
the gift for the royal couple.
200
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:26,060
Really?
Yes, great idea.
201
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,180
Talking of royals,
202
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:31,180
do you know what happened during
Kate Middleton's wedding night?
203
00:09:31,220 --> 00:09:34,900
No.
She was held against her Will.
204
00:09:34,940 --> 00:09:36,420
What?
Gosh, is that the time?
205
00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,060
We need to get down to the stage
to rehearse.
206
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:42,660
Right, chaps, we'll take the lift,
there's too many stairs.
207
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:45,000
Come along, darling.
208
00:09:55,020 --> 00:09:59,020
SNARLS
209
00:10:02,140 --> 00:10:06,140
EXHALES NERVOUSLY
210
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:11,300
GRUNTS
211
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,345
Sorry, Mrs P, I can't get
212
00:10:19,425 --> 00:10:22,650
Bob Monkhouse's zombie
wife's face out of my head.
213
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:25,300
I thought Bob Monkhouse was dead?
214
00:10:25,340 --> 00:10:29,340
No, he's very much alive.
As is his wife.
215
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:31,740
Well, technically she's dead.
216
00:10:31,780 --> 00:10:33,180
Living dead, surely?
217
00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:36,820
Anyway, Monkhouse
did a very strange thing.
218
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:40,300
He kept telling these stories that
were unconnected to anything
219
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,180
and then everyone would laugh.
220
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:44,860
Well, they're probably jokes.
221
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:45,900
Jokes?!
222
00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:49,140
Yes, Monkhouse is famous
for telling jokes all the time.
223
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:51,660
SCOFFS
WHOOSHING ON SCREEN
224
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:53,340
What are you doing, Mrs P?
225
00:10:53,380 --> 00:10:55,180
Mm, it's my new job.
226
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:57,540
You've got a job?
BEEPING
227
00:10:57,580 --> 00:10:58,900
What the hell is it?
228
00:10:58,940 --> 00:11:00,900
Operating drones
for the US military.
229
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:02,500
Really?
Yes.
230
00:11:02,540 --> 00:11:04,260
You know, it's perfect for me,
actually,
231
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:05,620
because I can work from home.
232
00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:07,860
Do you know, depending on how many
missiles I launch,
233
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,780
I can earn up to 30 quid a day.
234
00:11:10,820 --> 00:11:13,380
Drones for the US military?
Mm-hm.
235
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:15,140
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, I'd better get that.
236
00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:17,340
Do you want a go? It's very easy.
237
00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:19,420
You just move this cursor,
238
00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:21,820
then when you select your target,
you press this key here.
239
00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,540
Right.
240
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:26,380
Oh, and only blow up the houses
on the left-hand side of the road,
241
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:27,900
not the houses on the right.
242
00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:29,820
Gotcha.
BEEPING
243
00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:31,300
WHOOSHING
244
00:11:31,340 --> 00:11:32,340
Direct hit!
245
00:11:32,380 --> 00:11:35,100
WHOOSHING
And another.
246
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:38,820
I'm very good at this,
if I don't mind saying.
247
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:41,700
Oh, hope there was nobody home!
248
00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:42,900
Having fun?
249
00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:45,340
Yes, it's quite addictive,
isn't it? Mmm.
250
00:11:45,380 --> 00:11:47,740
WHOOSHING
Oh.
251
00:11:47,780 --> 00:11:48,780
What?
252
00:11:48,820 --> 00:11:51,460
Did I say blow up the houses
on the left-hand side?
253
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:52,620
Yes.
254
00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:55,540
I meant the houses on the right.
255
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:59,580
Well, I've blown a hell of a lot up
on the left.
256
00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:02,900
Oh, well, it'll probably be fine.
257
00:12:02,940 --> 00:12:06,100
I imagine no-one'll notice.
No.
258
00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:10,140
Oh!
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
259
00:12:10,660 --> 00:12:12,540
Which one of you lads
is looking for a sex change?
260
00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:14,140
You, is it?
261
00:12:14,180 --> 00:12:15,420
No, it's me, actually.
262
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:18,460
What's your budget?
263
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,660
How much do you wanna spend on it?
264
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:22,060
Well, it's quite serious,
a sex-change operation. I mean,
265
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,740
it's not really the type
of thing you can cut corners on.
266
00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:24,940
So what are you looking at?
267
00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:28,980
Well, I got a quote from an established,
specialist surgeon, ?4,000.
268
00:12:29,340 --> 00:12:32,900
Jesus, ?4,000 for a sex change?
269
00:12:32,940 --> 00:12:35,340
Sure, I do more or less
the same thing for 50 quid.
270
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,580
50 quid?
All I need's a level surface
271
00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:38,849
and a bucket for drainage.
272
00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:41,340
And I'll throw in for free,
disposal of body parts.
273
00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:43,940
Right, well, as I say,
it's quite a big operation,
274
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,020
so I'm gonna need to know
everything's all above board.
275
00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:48,260
There's a full guarantee
going with it. Oh.
276
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,620
And 50 quid, no hidden charges.
277
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:53,100
Honestly, you'd be mad
to spend ?4,000 on a sex change.
278
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:57,140
All those twisters in Harley Street,
ripping off naive transgenders.
279
00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,860
For that amount of cash,
we could change you into a llama.
280
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:03,900
Are you serious, a full sex-change
operation for 50 quid?
281
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:08,100
Yeah. Unless you want to pay
the VAT on top of it!
282
00:13:09,780 --> 00:13:10,980
All right.
283
00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:13,100
OK, yes!
284
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:16,260
Hope I don't live to regret this!
285
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:18,000
Can we start now?
286
00:13:23,377 --> 00:13:24,977
How are you feeling, Danny?
287
00:13:25,017 --> 00:13:26,217
Well, I'm a bit nervous,
to be honest.
288
00:13:26,257 --> 00:13:27,817
You never had a sex-change operation
before, huh?
289
00:13:27,857 --> 00:13:29,217
Er, no.
290
00:13:29,257 --> 00:13:33,257
Ah, you've nothing to worry about.
291
00:13:35,497 --> 00:13:38,417
So what's in this plastic bag?
A pair of tits.
292
00:13:38,457 --> 00:13:40,777
Ah, yes...very interesting.
293
00:13:40,817 --> 00:13:42,897
What are you doing here?
I'm the intermediary, Larry.
294
00:13:42,937 --> 00:13:45,777
Instrumental in bringing
both parties together.
295
00:13:45,817 --> 00:13:48,657
You don't mind if I stay
and watch, do you?
296
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:50,937
It'll cost you a tenner.
297
00:13:50,977 --> 00:13:51,977
OK.
298
00:13:52,017 --> 00:13:54,577
Look, I'm really not sure about all
this.
299
00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:56,257
Having cold feet, are you, Danny?
Well, you should have said
300
00:13:56,297 --> 00:13:57,657
something before now,
instead of leaving
301
00:13:57,697 --> 00:13:59,457
it to Muggins here to sort out!
D'you know what?
302
00:13:59,497 --> 00:14:01,297
I think I'm gonna give it a miss.
What?
303
00:14:01,337 --> 00:14:02,777
The operation.
I think I'm gonna give it a miss.
304
00:14:02,817 --> 00:14:05,017
Is it because you don't want
to lose the moustache?
305
00:14:05,057 --> 00:14:06,137
We could probably keep that.
306
00:14:06,177 --> 00:14:08,577
That Eurovision winner looked great.
She had a full beard.
307
00:14:08,617 --> 00:14:11,337
Look, sorry, do you know what?
I've changed my mind.
308
00:14:11,377 --> 00:14:12,417
I went for a budget option
309
00:14:12,457 --> 00:14:15,137
and I really should have gone through
a more traditional medical route,
310
00:14:15,177 --> 00:14:18,377
like with a proper surgeon
and, you know, hospital.
311
00:14:18,417 --> 00:14:19,977
Well, it's no skin off my nose,
312
00:14:20,017 --> 00:14:21,577
but I'm gonna have to keep
the 50 squid.
313
00:14:21,617 --> 00:14:23,657
Yep. OK, fine.
You can keep the pair of tits.
314
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,297
Well, I don't think I'm gonna
need them now.
315
00:14:25,337 --> 00:14:27,777
Er, can I have them?
316
00:14:27,817 --> 00:14:31,817
SCOFFS
317
00:14:36,897 --> 00:14:40,897
Ah!
318
00:14:42,137 --> 00:14:45,297
Enjoying yourself, Ed?
319
00:14:45,337 --> 00:14:46,697
Yes.
320
00:14:46,737 --> 00:14:50,737
Yes. So the Royal Variety
Performance, huh?
321
00:14:50,777 --> 00:14:53,417
I'm looking forward to it
and I'll tune in. Are you nervous?
322
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:55,937
Nah, who cares? It's a charity event.
323
00:14:55,977 --> 00:14:59,577
All I know is that when
Kevin Spacey sees my Sand Dance,
324
00:14:59,617 --> 00:15:03,617
he'll be so impressed, he's bound to
offer me the House Of Cards attache.
325
00:15:03,657 --> 00:15:05,457
Well, best of luck with that.
Downside is,
326
00:15:05,497 --> 00:15:07,977
I have to share the stage with
Ray bloody Purchase again.
327
00:15:08,017 --> 00:15:10,457
Well, I hope he doesn't fall through
the trapdoor this time.
328
00:15:10,497 --> 00:15:11,777
LAUGHS
329
00:15:11,817 --> 00:15:14,537
Did you manage to look
at those plastic tits?
330
00:15:14,577 --> 00:15:17,257
Yes, yes, I did.
331
00:15:17,297 --> 00:15:20,137
You see, I don't know how Muggins
would have grafted these
332
00:15:20,177 --> 00:15:23,337
onto your friend without
a severe risk of blood poisoning.
333
00:15:23,377 --> 00:15:25,817
Paul Gascoigne used to wear these
the whole time.
334
00:15:25,857 --> 00:15:28,337
It's very disappointing.
335
00:15:28,377 --> 00:15:30,017
Well, what the hell
were you expecting?
336
00:15:30,057 --> 00:15:32,737
Oh, I dunno.
Something a bit less tacky.
337
00:15:32,777 --> 00:15:35,017
Something a bit more, you know,
va-va-voom.
338
00:15:35,057 --> 00:15:36,977
SCOFFS
339
00:15:37,017 --> 00:15:39,817
You are very peculiar, Ed.
You can have them if you want.
340
00:15:39,857 --> 00:15:43,097
I don't want them. Unless...
341
00:15:43,137 --> 00:15:44,697
Unless what?
342
00:15:44,737 --> 00:15:46,897
Well, Tom Jones has just
been added to the bill
343
00:15:46,937 --> 00:15:48,937
at the Royal Variety Performance.
344
00:15:48,977 --> 00:15:52,137
A pair of plastic tits may be just
the kind of thing he'd like.
345
00:15:52,177 --> 00:15:56,177
Yes, good thinking! Tom Jones would
love a pair of comedy plastic tits.
346
00:15:56,777 --> 00:16:00,777
I think he would. Right, I'm off.
347
00:16:00,937 --> 00:16:04,457
If I were you, I'd find another
lodger, as I say goodbye, Ed,
348
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,137
hello, House Of Cards.
349
00:16:07,177 --> 00:16:11,177
# You're so deluded, Toast
It makes me sad
350
00:16:13,177 --> 00:16:17,177
You'll never get the break
that you want so bad.
351
00:16:18,897 --> 00:16:22,577
What?!
352
00:16:22,617 --> 00:16:26,617
# How dare you, my friend?
353
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:32,697
# Pity me when I know
354
00:16:34,257 --> 00:16:36,537
# I'm a joke
355
00:16:36,577 --> 00:16:39,537
# I'll suffer scorn
356
00:16:39,577 --> 00:16:43,577
# And I'll wear this crown of thorns
357
00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:47,737
# It is clear that I'll die
358
00:16:50,257 --> 00:16:54,257
# Having lived inside a lie
359
00:16:55,377 --> 00:16:59,377
It's true.
360
00:17:02,217 --> 00:17:05,577
Look, Toast, you need to bring
your A game to the table.
361
00:17:05,617 --> 00:17:09,537
We're not doing the conga or
the Agadoo, this is the Sand Dance!
362
00:17:09,577 --> 00:17:11,297
There's 100 years of musical history
363
00:17:11,337 --> 00:17:13,297
and I'm not gonna let you
piss about with it!
364
00:17:13,337 --> 00:17:15,257
Who cares?
365
00:17:15,297 --> 00:17:19,297
Who cares? I care!
366
00:17:19,937 --> 00:17:20,977
Monkhouse cares!
367
00:17:21,017 --> 00:17:24,377
Well, I think your Sand Dance
is gonna be sensational, chaps.
368
00:17:24,417 --> 00:17:26,297
The old ones really are the best.
369
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:30,337
Talking of old ones, fellas,
do you know I still enjoy sex at 74?
370
00:17:30,697 --> 00:17:32,737
I live at 76, it's no distance.
371
00:17:32,777 --> 00:17:35,457
LAUGHS
372
00:17:35,497 --> 00:17:36,497
What?
373
00:17:36,537 --> 00:17:40,537
APPLAUSE, JAUNTY MUSIC
374
00:19:07,097 --> 00:19:11,097
APPLAUSE
375
00:19:14,777 --> 00:19:18,777
That's marvellous! The terrific Ray
Purchase, there, and Steven Toast.
376
00:19:19,137 --> 00:19:21,937
Now, we're very lucky to welcome
some very special guests here tonight -
377
00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:24,217
His Royal Highness,
the Prince of Wales
378
00:19:24,257 --> 00:19:25,657
and the Duchess of Cornwall.
379
00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:28,337
APPLAUSE
380
00:19:28,377 --> 00:19:30,097
What did you get
Charles and Camilla?
381
00:19:30,137 --> 00:19:31,497
What?
382
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,297
What did you get
Charles and Camilla?
383
00:19:33,337 --> 00:19:35,297
You were supposed to
give them a gift, remember?
384
00:19:35,337 --> 00:19:37,057
Oh, shit.
385
00:19:37,097 --> 00:19:40,817
Oh, you forgot, didn't you?
You bloody idiot!
386
00:19:40,857 --> 00:19:44,297
Well done, Toast.
Terrific work, very moving.
387
00:19:44,337 --> 00:19:46,657
I got a real sense of Egypt.
388
00:19:46,697 --> 00:19:48,017
Did you see Spacey?
389
00:19:48,057 --> 00:19:49,817
Yes, he was in the middle
of the front row.
390
00:19:49,857 --> 00:19:52,417
I was sitting right behind him,
he was clapping all the way through.
391
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:53,577
LAUGHS
392
00:19:53,617 --> 00:19:55,137
Hollywood, here I come!
Aah...
393
00:19:55,177 --> 00:19:58,337
Ah, Toast.
The royal couple are almost here.
394
00:19:58,377 --> 00:20:01,417
Did you get them a present?
I hope you didn't forget.
395
00:20:01,457 --> 00:20:03,777
He did forget,
because he's a complete cunt!
396
00:20:03,817 --> 00:20:05,817
Mind the language, Purchase.
Sorry, Bob.
397
00:20:05,857 --> 00:20:09,857
This is bloody serious, Toast!
Sometimes the joking has to stop!
398
00:20:09,977 --> 00:20:12,897
Ah, your Royal Highnesses,
this is Steven Toast.
399
00:20:12,937 --> 00:20:14,257
Ah, Toast.
He has a gift for you,
400
00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:15,577
which he'd like to present
401
00:20:15,617 --> 00:20:18,897
on behalf of the
Friends of the Regency Theatre.
402
00:20:18,937 --> 00:20:21,657
Oh.
403
00:20:21,697 --> 00:20:25,697
RUSTLING
404
00:20:33,097 --> 00:20:35,257
GASPS
A pair of tits!
405
00:20:35,297 --> 00:20:36,377
A pair of tits.
406
00:20:36,417 --> 00:20:37,457
A pair of tits?
407
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:38,817
They're not real tits, though.
408
00:20:38,857 --> 00:20:42,857
They're just plastic ones,
like Paul Gascoigne used to wear.
409
00:20:43,337 --> 00:20:47,337
COUGHING
410
00:20:50,057 --> 00:20:51,977
Er, a man went to the doctor
for a checkup.
411
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:54,337
The doctor says, "I have some very
bad news, you're going to die."
412
00:20:54,377 --> 00:20:55,617
God.
413
00:20:55,657 --> 00:20:57,417
The man says,
"How long am I gonna live?"
414
00:20:57,457 --> 00:21:01,457
The doctor said, "Ten."
The man said, "What, months, weeks?"
415
00:21:01,857 --> 00:21:05,417
The doctor said, "No...
Nine, eight, seven..."
416
00:21:05,457 --> 00:21:08,057
Aagh!
Monkhouse!
417
00:21:08,097 --> 00:21:09,457
Toast!
418
00:21:09,497 --> 00:21:12,777
Ha!
419
00:21:12,817 --> 00:21:16,497
Oh, whose are these?
Bloody hilarious, man!
420
00:21:16,537 --> 00:21:18,257
What do you think, Charlie?
421
00:21:18,297 --> 00:21:21,377
LAUGHS
422
00:21:21,417 --> 00:21:25,017
Really unwise of you, Toast,
to open that trapdoor.
423
00:21:25,057 --> 00:21:28,657
Bob is dead,
rather like his zombie wife.
424
00:21:28,697 --> 00:21:30,537
So is Bob Monkhouse now a zombie?
425
00:21:30,577 --> 00:21:32,497
This is no time to discuss
426
00:21:32,537 --> 00:21:35,737
whether Bob Monkhouse
is now a zombie like his wife.
427
00:21:35,777 --> 00:21:39,777
You can kiss goodbye to any ideas
of an MBE or CBE after your name.
428
00:21:40,777 --> 00:21:44,097
DOA, more likely,
and as for a knighthood, huh!
429
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:47,417
But Kevin Spacey. What about him?
I mean, he loved my performance.
430
00:21:47,457 --> 00:21:50,977
Any word?
431
00:21:51,017 --> 00:21:52,937
Kevin Spacey, Jane!
432
00:21:52,977 --> 00:21:56,217
Oh, I may have made a slight error
on that one, Toast.
433
00:21:56,257 --> 00:21:58,817
Oh, God. What?!
434
00:21:58,857 --> 00:22:02,177
Well, you know I said I was
sitting behind him in the theatre?
435
00:22:02,217 --> 00:22:05,497
Yes, you were sat behind him, while
he was adoring my performance, and...?
436
00:22:05,537 --> 00:22:07,977
Well, I presumed it
was Kevin Spacey,
437
00:22:08,017 --> 00:22:12,017
but I subsequently discovered it was
actually the comedian Bob Mortimer.
438
00:22:12,777 --> 00:22:13,937
Who?
439
00:22:13,977 --> 00:22:17,977
Bob Mortimer? He does look very
like Spacey, especially from behind.
440
00:22:20,657 --> 00:22:23,857
GROWLS
441
00:22:23,897 --> 00:22:27,897
LULLABY
442
00:22:37,777 --> 00:22:39,057
Better?
443
00:22:39,097 --> 00:22:41,817
So what the shit happened with
Spacey?
444
00:22:41,857 --> 00:22:45,417
Well, apparently he went to Afghanistan
on a humanitarian mission.
445
00:22:45,457 --> 00:22:47,777
Unlike you, he does
a lot of work for charity.
446
00:22:47,817 --> 00:22:49,977
So he was visiting some good Afghans
447
00:22:50,017 --> 00:22:52,097
who live on the left-hand side
of the road...
448
00:22:52,137 --> 00:22:54,377
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
449
00:22:54,417 --> 00:22:58,337
As opposed to Afghans that live on
the right-hand side of the road?
450
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:01,577
Oh, the bad Afghans live
on the right-hand side of the road.
451
00:23:01,617 --> 00:23:02,977
I see. Anyway,
452
00:23:03,017 --> 00:23:05,457
nobody's heard from him in days.
453
00:23:05,497 --> 00:23:07,457
I do hope he turns up again.
454
00:23:07,497 --> 00:23:10,097
DOOR CLOSES
455
00:23:10,137 --> 00:23:11,817
Toast...
456
00:23:11,867 --> 00:23:16,417
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35059
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof