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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
2
00:00:02,050 --> 00:00:08,060
Remember, check out giveusajob.biz
and find a new career, today.
3
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:11,180
Phone us on... That's great, Steven.
That's literally it. What?
4
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,660
You don't want me to finish it?
5
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:14,820
There's no phone number.
It just stops.
6
00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:15,980
All good, buddy.
7
00:00:16,020 --> 00:00:18,820
It's half an advert. It's a bit
bloody peculiar, isn't it?
8
00:00:18,860 --> 00:00:21,500
Hello, Steven, this is
Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
9
00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:23,340
Shut up, I'm talking
to the grown-up.
10
00:00:23,380 --> 00:00:25,620
Who the hell wants half
an advert? Honestly, Steven.
11
00:00:25,660 --> 00:00:27,900
Don't worry. It's just a demo
for some new client.
12
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:29,700
It probably won't go
anywhere, anyway.
13
00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:31,660
What the hell
are you talking about?
14
00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:33,900
Steven, look, we've really
got to wrap this up
15
00:00:33,940 --> 00:00:36,260
and crack on with another session.
TEXT ALERT
16
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,580
Is that Colin? Yeah, yeah.
He's waiting outside.
17
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:39,900
All right, all right.
18
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,340
I suppose I'll see you two
next Thursday.
19
00:00:42,380 --> 00:00:43,940
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
20
00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:45,660
Actually, Steven... What?
21
00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:48,100
Would you mind showing
Colin in on your way out?
22
00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:50,300
Only, I don't think
he's been here before.
23
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:54,340
TOAST GROANS
24
00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:58,380
It's just through there.
I think they're expecting you.
25
00:00:58,420 --> 00:01:02,060
I know where it is,
thank you, big boy.
26
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:06,100
LAUGHTER IN STUDIO
27
00:01:08,620 --> 00:01:11,860
God, I thought he'd never leave.
He's such a dick!
28
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,540
What the...?
29
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:15,180
Are you sure he's gone? Oh, yeah.
30
00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:18,220
Just going to play some of the guide
through your headphones. OK.
31
00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:21,620
'Find a better job...' Got it.
32
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:24,140
Are we rolling?
33
00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:28,180
IN TOAST'S VOICE: 'Remember,
click on giveusajob.biz today
34
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:30,860
'and find a better job.
35
00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:34,540
'There's a great new career
out there, waiting for you.
36
00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:36,460
THEY LAUGH
37
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:39,780
'Phone us on 08081 570000.'
38
00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:43,820
What the f...?
39
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:07,620
Well, I see you're enjoying
the hospitality here, Steven.
40
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:11,140
Well, it's a bit early for me,
but your chef was very insistent.
41
00:02:11,180 --> 00:02:13,140
I know. He's a wee devil, isn't he?
42
00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:15,100
He is. Anyway, bottoms up!
43
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:18,620
So, I understand you are returning
to the theatre in the Scottish play.
44
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:21,500
Ha-ha, yes.
And I notice you didn't say it.
45
00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:24,380
I know. Is it still a big no-no
in theatrical circles,
46
00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,140
to actually say "Macbeth"?
47
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,620
Yeah.
48
00:02:27,660 --> 00:02:30,260
Anyway, it's a great part
and it's in Regents Park.
49
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,660
It's in the open air.
50
00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:33,900
Yep, I mean it's always a pleasure
to do Shakespeare
51
00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:36,900
and it's a nice bonus that you get
some fresh air at the same time.
52
00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:38,020
TOAST LAUGHS
53
00:02:38,060 --> 00:02:40,780
Well, it's being simultaneously
broadcast, of course,
54
00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:44,820
live on ITV's Night of Culture.
55
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,340
Is it?
56
00:02:46,380 --> 00:02:48,900
Yes, yes! Right. Well,
I wasn't aware of that.
57
00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:52,180
Yeah, it is, because you know,
doing a whole Shakespeare play
58
00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:56,220
live on TV - I mean, that's brave.
It must be nerve-wracking.
59
00:02:57,700 --> 00:03:00,420
Yeah, I'm sure I'll rise
to the challenge.
60
00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:02,300
Now, who else is in it?
61
00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:05,780
Oh, well, there's Oona Length,
Rob Continental...
62
00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:07,140
Ray Purchase?
63
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:09,700
..there's, er... Oh,
and of course, Sue Pressier,
64
00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:11,820
who's worked a lot
with Stanley Kubrick.
65
00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:13,220
Ooh, are you a Kubrick fan?
66
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:16,660
I wouldn't say I'm a fan
but I did meet him once.
67
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,340
Really? Mmm.
68
00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:20,900
What happened?
Well, it was a long time ago.
69
00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:22,260
Have you got time? Yeah.
70
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:25,500
OK. Well, it would have
been about 1969.
71
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:29,540
I was doing some cheap, pornographic
film in Pinewood Studios.
72
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:33,060
I mean, I don't know whether
this is of any interest to you...
73
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,860
I could tell they were
desperate to catch you.
74
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:37,740
"Name your price," they said.
75
00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:41,780
And I picked the biggest number
I could think of.
76
00:03:42,540 --> 00:03:45,740
?5,000 - for a voiceover!
77
00:03:45,780 --> 00:03:48,020
Isn't that terrific?
78
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:49,980
?5,000? Yes!
79
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:52,100
And they said, "Name your price?"
80
00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:53,540
Anything at all.
81
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:57,060
There were no limits on how high
they were willing to go!
82
00:03:57,100 --> 00:04:00,180
Well, why didn't you say ?6,000?
83
00:04:00,220 --> 00:04:03,060
Or ?600,000, or a million pounds?!
84
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:05,540
Or a million, million pounds?!
85
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:08,020
Because at the time,
86
00:04:08,060 --> 00:04:12,060
the biggest number
I could think of was ?5,000.
87
00:04:12,380 --> 00:04:15,180
Anyway, we got the gig.
88
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:18,780
You're blasted lucky to be getting
any voiceover jobs at all.
89
00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:22,820
This tiny chap who sounds just
like you is moving in on your patch.
90
00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:26,700
Slightly cheaper and infinitely
easier to work with.
91
00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:29,820
Yeah, this can't be legal.
Can you not sue him, or something?
92
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:31,020
Ha!
93
00:04:31,060 --> 00:04:33,740
And talking of suing people,
I should be suing you
94
00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:35,660
for failing to mention that this
95
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:38,220
Shakespeare thing's going out
live on TV!
96
00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:39,900
Oh, did I not tell you?
97
00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:43,500
Yes, a Night of Culture on ITV -
98
00:04:43,540 --> 00:04:45,940
straight after Emmerdale Farm.
99
00:04:45,980 --> 00:04:49,540
Imagine the viewers!
100
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,420
Jane, I...
101
00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,860
I've never done any live television.
102
00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:57,340
What are you talking about?
You did it this morning, you cretin!
103
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,540
What, ten minutes on Lorraine?
104
00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:01,460
And I was half-boozed.
105
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:05,220
Three hours of intense Shakespeare's
a different box of cheese!
106
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:06,580
Indeed.
107
00:05:06,620 --> 00:05:10,620
Who could forget when dear old
Patrick Stewart... Ooh.
108
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,780
How was Lorraine this morning,
anyway? I missed it.
109
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,660
No idea, I was pissed.
110
00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:19,140
PHONE BUZZES
111
00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:22,660
Jane, your phone's actually lit up.
112
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:26,700
I've never seen it do that before.
Very quiet!
113
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:33,300
This is Jane Plough speaking.
114
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:35,740
Who am I talking to, please?
115
00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:39,060
What's this in reference to?
116
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,980
(Who is it?)
117
00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:43,100
Well, I'll have to speak
to him myself.
118
00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:45,100
(Who?) No comment.
119
00:05:45,140 --> 00:05:47,100
Who was that?
120
00:05:47,140 --> 00:05:49,940
Do you remember telling a story
about Stanley Kubrick
121
00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:52,460
to Lorraine this morning, Toast?
PHONE BUZZES
122
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:55,220
God, I couldn't have been
that pissed, could I?
123
00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:57,340
Just answer the question.
124
00:05:57,380 --> 00:05:59,060
PHONE BUZZES
125
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,940
I may have told her 'the story.'
126
00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:02,260
'The story'?
127
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:06,260
PHONE BUZZES
128
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,300
Go on, then.
129
00:06:08,340 --> 00:06:11,100
Well, it was a few years ago, now.
130
00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:13,540
1969, to be precise.
131
00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:15,940
I was at Pinewood Studios...
132
00:06:15,980 --> 00:06:19,860
'doing some low budget film.
Some sex comedy, probably.
133
00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:23,220
'Anyway, I smoked a hell
of a lot of grass back then
134
00:06:23,260 --> 00:06:26,700
'and would frequently not
remember what I was doing.
135
00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:29,580
'I was supposed to meet
someone at Stage B,
136
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:32,860
'but I foolishly
walked into Stage D.'
137
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:35,980
I mean, I really was
cock of the walk, back then.
138
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:38,980
I mean, I paid no mind
to any rules or regs.
139
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:42,580
I mean, you might call me
an easy rider.
140
00:06:42,620 --> 00:06:44,380
Get on with it, Toast.
141
00:06:44,420 --> 00:06:46,020
All right.
142
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:48,780
Anyway, I wandered through
the back door...
143
00:06:48,820 --> 00:06:52,820
'but failed to notice a large "keep
out" sign and red recording light
144
00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:56,300
'as I made my way into
the vast film studios.
145
00:06:56,340 --> 00:06:58,500
'It could have been
something to do with
146
00:06:58,540 --> 00:07:00,940
'the amount of Children in Need
I was smoking,
147
00:07:00,980 --> 00:07:04,660
'but the very next thing I knew,
I was walking on the moon.
148
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:07,820
'I could even see a couple
of astronauts waving at me
149
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:10,100
'and the Apollo 11 space module.'
150
00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:11,700
Hey! C-cut! Hey!
151
00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:13,900
'But out of nowhere...'
Hey, you!
152
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:17,540
'..a parka-wearing hairy man whom
I recognised as Stanley Kubrick
153
00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:19,460
'slammed me hard against a wall.'
154
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:20,980
Who are you?
155
00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:22,900
'He demanded to know who I was.'
156
00:07:22,940 --> 00:07:24,660
Steven Toast. Steven Toast?
157
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:28,420
'When I informed him,
he berated me in an angry fashion.'
158
00:07:28,460 --> 00:07:31,540
If you ever breathe a word
about what you've just seen,
159
00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:35,580
I guarantee you'll be
tracked down and killed.
160
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:39,620
If I ever hear of you again...
161
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,140
..you're dead! Ooh!
162
00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:43,740
'And another thing...'
Now, get the fuck off my set!
163
00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:45,940
'After Kubrick had
finished berating me,
164
00:07:45,980 --> 00:07:49,300
'I noticed the stern-looking man
in the doorway watching
165
00:07:49,340 --> 00:07:51,060
'was none other than...'
166
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:53,220
Richard 'Tricky Dicky' Nixon.
167
00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:55,420
Well, how in hell
did you know that?
168
00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:57,060
Very lucky guess.
169
00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:58,940
How amazing!
170
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:02,980
The actual president
of the United States!
171
00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:06,740
You know what you've done,
don't you, Toast? No.
172
00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:10,020
On a live television programme,
watched by possibly millions,
173
00:08:10,060 --> 00:08:12,980
you cheerfully admitted to
having witnessed something
174
00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:16,660
that could not only bring down
the US government,
175
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:20,700
but could also destroy
the entire world.
176
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:27,900
Could I use your toilet facilities?
177
00:08:29,380 --> 00:08:33,380
TOAST HUFFS AND GRUNTS
178
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:39,700
It's no good. These pickled
onions are always tricky.
179
00:08:39,740 --> 00:08:42,860
Well, maybe Ray will be able
to get it off later.
180
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:44,740
I very much doubt that.
181
00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:47,100
THEY SNIGGER
182
00:08:47,140 --> 00:08:49,180
There!
183
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:53,220
That looks great.
184
00:08:54,540 --> 00:08:58,300
This whole Kubrick thing -
it's a most peculiar business.
185
00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:01,620
Oh, you are under enormous
pressure at the moment, Toast.
186
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:03,340
Maybe you hallucinated it?
187
00:09:03,380 --> 00:09:06,460
Well, of course, I bloody didn't.
You can't hallucinate the past.
188
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,780
I know what I saw.
189
00:09:07,820 --> 00:09:09,660
I'm sure it's connected to you
190
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,700
doing this Shakespeare in the park
live on TV. How?
191
00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:15,620
Some kind of nervous reaction
related to stage fright
192
00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:17,380
has induced a false memory.
193
00:09:17,420 --> 00:09:21,420
It can do odd things. Who can
forget dear old Patrick Stewart?
194
00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:27,180
Mmm, maybe. Anyway, where were we?
195
00:09:27,260 --> 00:09:30,260
Well, you were trying to get
the lid off my pickled onions.
196
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:33,580
Well, maybe I've got some pickled
onions of my own that need releasing.
197
00:09:33,620 --> 00:09:37,620
Mmm...
TOAST CHUCKLES
198
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:41,340
..Just such an arsehole.
Can you believe it?
199
00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:44,500
The moon landing.
The moon landings? Kubrick?
200
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,220
A breakdown, live on Lorraine.
201
00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:47,820
Unbelievable!
202
00:09:47,860 --> 00:09:49,500
Any sign of Peggy?
203
00:09:49,540 --> 00:09:51,180
Peggy?
204
00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:54,340
I don't think even legendary
theatre director Peggy Plywood
205
00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:56,260
can help you out of this one, Toast.
206
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,020
Ray bloody Purchase.
207
00:09:58,060 --> 00:10:01,820
Anyone got a number
for the men in white coats?
208
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:05,860
Walking on the moon? Really, Toast?
You've trumped yourself this time.
209
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:10,340
And you chose to have your meltdown
live on Lorraine! Just brilliant!
210
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,020
Shut up, Ray Purchase!
211
00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:16,580
For those with your minds on
other things, may I remind you
212
00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:19,300
that in 30 hours' time,
you'll be on stage
213
00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:22,700
in one of Shakespeare's
greatest plays?
214
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:26,740
Which is also being broadcast
live to the nation on ITV!
215
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,020
Oh, God!
216
00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:31,380
Of course. Peggy,
I'm so sorry if I...
217
00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:34,100
Shut up, Ray Purchase!
218
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:36,780
Now, I'd like to look at
Banquo's entrance again,
219
00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:39,660
before we do the last dress run.
220
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:43,700
So, sort yourselves out!
221
00:10:49,820 --> 00:10:53,820
Oh, I like this one.
222
00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:55,580
Toast?
223
00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:59,460
TOAST HUMS ALONG TO RECORD
224
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:03,460
Toast!
TOAST HUMS
225
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:06,100
Urgh! Jesus Christ, Peggy!
226
00:11:06,140 --> 00:11:10,140
I nearly shat my grey
rehearsal sweatpants!
227
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,240
Judging by the position
of that whisky bottle,
228
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,320
I deduce that you have
not yet been to bed.
229
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,920
I can't sleep, Ed.
My brain's doing somersaults.
230
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,040
I didn't know this Shakespeare play
was going out live on TV.
231
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,480
Of course! Live TV!
232
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,920
Always quite...
ED WAILS
233
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,320
All right!
I've known a lot of actors lose it
234
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,440
when they do drama
live on television.
235
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,400
I remember Scott Chestnut
once became very racist
236
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,440
just before he did Lear
live on BBC Two.
237
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,920
That's right, he did.
Don't worry, Toast.
238
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,920
Most actors would be really scared
239
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,720
about having to do Shakespeare
live on television.
240
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,160
Really scared.
241
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,720
I'm not really scared.
Are you sure? Yes.
242
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,240
Really? Yes.
243
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,360
Really?
244
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,760
Yes!
245
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,800
And who could forget when
dear old Paddy Stewart...
246
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,920
Paddy...
PHONE RINGS
247
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,120
Toast.
248
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,680
Any sign of them yet?
249
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,840
Who? The CIA.
250
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,920
That's presumably who Kubrick meant
251
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,200
when he said they
were going to get us.
252
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,800
"Us"?
253
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,520
I'm your agent, Toast.
I know too much!
254
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,320
They'll take me out as well.
255
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,760
No, I probably imagined it, Jane.
I mean, I...
256
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,400
We need to be very careful.
Very careful!
257
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:29,080
I'm going to hang up, now.
Phone is probably bugged.
258
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,300
Jane?
259
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:39,142
TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen of the
cast, this is your one hour call.
260
00:12:39,182 --> 00:12:41,662
'One hour, please.'
261
00:12:41,702 --> 00:12:45,702
Biscuit? Mmm.
262
00:12:51,462 --> 00:12:55,462
Um... No, thanks.
263
00:12:56,502 --> 00:12:58,662
Patrick Stewart.
264
00:12:58,702 --> 00:13:00,062
Steven Toast.
265
00:13:00,102 --> 00:13:04,102
Doing drama on live TV - Patrick
hated it. I'll never forget.
266
00:13:05,022 --> 00:13:08,702
What the hell does that mean?
You don't know?
267
00:13:08,742 --> 00:13:11,382
When Patrick did Hamlet,
live on BBC Two?
268
00:13:11,422 --> 00:13:14,582
Back in those days, Patrick
had a lovely head of hair.
269
00:13:14,622 --> 00:13:17,822
Bit like yours, Toast -
but less weird.
270
00:13:17,862 --> 00:13:20,902
So, it's all going very well,
until about the fourth act,
271
00:13:20,942 --> 00:13:22,942
when his hair starts falling out.
272
00:13:22,982 --> 00:13:26,982
First, in single hairs -
then strands, then whole clumps.
273
00:13:27,342 --> 00:13:30,062
By the time he gets to
the castle in the final act,
274
00:13:30,102 --> 00:13:32,662
he's as bald as a coot.
You're kidding?
275
00:13:32,702 --> 00:13:35,102
No. There's hair all over the floor.
276
00:13:35,142 --> 00:13:37,662
And all cos he was doing
Shakespeare live on TV!
277
00:13:37,702 --> 00:13:39,982
PEGGY LAUGHS
God help me.
278
00:13:40,022 --> 00:13:43,542
Yeah, it can affect actors in
all kinds of strange ways.
279
00:13:43,582 --> 00:13:47,342
I've seen one chap start talking
backwards, during a live Corrie.
280
00:13:47,382 --> 00:13:50,782
And Scott Chestnut -
he suddenly became very fascist.
281
00:13:50,822 --> 00:13:53,702
No, racist.
282
00:13:53,742 --> 00:13:56,862
Why are you clinging
onto this pillar?
283
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,902
I'm not.
284
00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:02,862
And if you don't mind, Peggy...
285
00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:06,902
..I'd like to prepare.
286
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:12,982
TOAST WHIMPERS
287
00:14:13,582 --> 00:14:17,222
PHONE RINGS
Who the f...?
288
00:14:17,262 --> 00:14:19,422
Toast!
Oh, glad I caught you, Toast.
289
00:14:19,462 --> 00:14:21,422
I think you may have taken
my mobile by mistake.
290
00:14:21,462 --> 00:14:23,542
Oh, yeah. That's all right, Ed,
it's right here.
291
00:14:23,582 --> 00:14:27,582
I'll just get it... Mmm...
292
00:14:30,822 --> 00:14:34,262
Ed? Your mobile is, in fact
right in front of me,
293
00:14:34,302 --> 00:14:37,462
but I can't reach it, cos
I can't let go of the pillar.
294
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:40,462
Can you get here ASAP?
I think I might have...
295
00:14:40,502 --> 00:14:44,502
THUNDERCLAP
..stage fright!
296
00:14:47,222 --> 00:14:51,222
# I've never been so
frightened in my life
297
00:14:51,982 --> 00:14:55,982
# Never dreamed I'd suffer
from stage fright
298
00:14:56,702 --> 00:15:00,702
# Suspected something bad
When my face turned white
299
00:15:00,862 --> 00:15:04,862
# Was really in the sheet
When I couldn't move my feet
300
00:15:05,262 --> 00:15:09,262
# And I wouldn't recommend
being paralysed
301
00:15:09,902 --> 00:15:13,902
But the atmosphere up here
is very nice.
302
00:15:15,142 --> 00:15:19,142
Good evening.
303
00:15:38,942 --> 00:15:42,102
Come on, Toast.
You know you want to.
304
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,022
Oof! Look...
305
00:15:44,062 --> 00:15:46,062
I've got the jar of picked onions.
306
00:15:46,102 --> 00:15:47,662
Pfff... Ooh!
307
00:15:47,702 --> 00:15:51,702
Mmm! Why don't you come over here
and unscrew my lid?
308
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:55,142
Oof!
309
00:15:55,182 --> 00:15:56,582
Mmm...
310
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,622
Pfff!
311
00:15:58,662 --> 00:16:01,422
Ah! Ooh!
312
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:05,462
Ah! Ooh! Ooahh!
313
00:16:05,662 --> 00:16:07,022
Pfff, just... Oh.
314
00:16:07,062 --> 00:16:09,422
OK, thanks, Mrs Purchase.
Doesn't seem to be working.
315
00:16:09,462 --> 00:16:12,022
Mmm. I mean, this is serious, Ed.
316
00:16:12,062 --> 00:16:14,142
You know what kind of
sex appetite I have.
317
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,182
I know you do,
but for whatever reason,
318
00:16:16,222 --> 00:16:18,702
you don't seem to be able to
break free from that pillar.
319
00:16:18,742 --> 00:16:20,142
OK, you can go now, Mrs P.
320
00:16:20,182 --> 00:16:22,422
Oh, OK, Ed.
Sorry I couldn't do more.
321
00:16:22,462 --> 00:16:25,502
Come on, Toast, get into costume.
I want to rehearse the sword fight.
322
00:16:25,542 --> 00:16:29,542
You've not cracked it yet and I
refuse to look a Tom Fool on stage!
323
00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:34,742
What are you doing here, darling?
Oh, grow up, Ray.
324
00:16:34,782 --> 00:16:36,142
Are those my picked onions?
325
00:16:36,182 --> 00:16:38,902
Will you both please leave, now?
Are those my picked onions?
326
00:16:38,942 --> 00:16:40,782
Oh, stop being so childish! God!
327
00:16:40,822 --> 00:16:42,462
What are you doing in there
with Toast?
328
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,862
Oh, honestly, Ray - why are you
so paranoid all the time?!
329
00:16:44,902 --> 00:16:47,582
I'm not paranoid, darling...
This is absolutely fascinating.
330
00:16:47,622 --> 00:16:50,302
A very similar thing happened to
Roy Castle on Record Breakers.
331
00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:52,062
He couldn't let go of
a fire extinguisher
332
00:16:52,102 --> 00:16:54,662
and we were told not to touch him,
in case he had a heart attack.
333
00:16:54,702 --> 00:16:57,502
Oh, God! Who else knows about this?
Peggy? The cast?
334
00:16:57,542 --> 00:17:01,542
Well, yeah. I mean, pretty much.
335
00:17:02,462 --> 00:17:04,622
You couldn't scratch my back
for me, could you, Ed?
336
00:17:04,662 --> 00:17:07,902
I can't reach. Of course, old chap.
337
00:17:07,942 --> 00:17:09,782
Slightly lower. There we...
338
00:17:09,822 --> 00:17:11,942
Ooh, yeah!
339
00:17:11,982 --> 00:17:15,982
Oof!
PHONE RINGS
340
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:17,782
Toast.
341
00:17:17,822 --> 00:17:20,822
Toast, have they
tried to kill you yet?
342
00:17:20,862 --> 00:17:21,982
Who?
343
00:17:22,022 --> 00:17:24,862
The Americans, the CIA!
Have they tried to kill you?
344
00:17:24,902 --> 00:17:28,742
No. That's good.
We need to be extremely careful.
345
00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,502
Look, I can't let go.
346
00:17:30,542 --> 00:17:33,702
You... You can't what?
I can't let go of the pillar.
347
00:17:33,742 --> 00:17:37,102
My God! They must have
drugged you, or something.
348
00:17:37,142 --> 00:17:39,462
No, Jane. I'm pretty sure
I've got stage fright.
349
00:17:39,502 --> 00:17:42,102
Nonsense! The Americans
have done this to you
350
00:17:42,142 --> 00:17:44,942
because you blabbed about
the moon landings.
351
00:17:44,982 --> 00:17:48,982
GLASS SHATTERS
JANE GASPS
352
00:17:52,022 --> 00:17:55,382
It's hard for a chap to swallow
his pride, Ed, but I'm in the shit.
353
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:58,182
And you mentioned you knew someone
that could possibly help me.
354
00:17:58,222 --> 00:18:01,662
Right. Well, I hope he's available.
He's the best in the biz.
355
00:18:01,702 --> 00:18:05,342
Well, that's who I need.
Hi. Yeah, fine, yeah.
356
00:18:05,382 --> 00:18:07,182
You're just back from Hollywood?
357
00:18:07,222 --> 00:18:11,062
Fantastic! Listen,
I'm going to need your skills.
358
00:18:11,102 --> 00:18:15,102
You could say it's an emergency.
359
00:18:16,142 --> 00:18:18,622
IN TOAST'S VOICE: Because the
world's not black and white,
360
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:19,982
the world's in colour.
361
00:18:20,022 --> 00:18:22,662
That is, er... That's great, Colin.
362
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,502
No problem, fellas. Stunning work,
Colin, mate. You got it in one.
363
00:18:25,542 --> 00:18:27,622
I don't see a reason why
we should get Toast in
364
00:18:27,662 --> 00:18:29,822
for another voiceover,
like ever, ever again.
365
00:18:29,862 --> 00:18:32,062
Exactamundo, so why bother?
I mean, Colin's...
366
00:18:32,102 --> 00:18:33,782
Colin's just so much cooler.
367
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:37,662
You bet he is. I mean,
Steven Toast is just a wanker.
368
00:18:37,702 --> 00:18:39,622
Right, we're going to
take a break, yeah?
369
00:18:39,662 --> 00:18:41,142
We're like, way ahead of schedule.
370
00:18:41,182 --> 00:18:42,582
Yeah!
371
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:46,622
Get in. Doink!
372
00:18:47,302 --> 00:18:49,382
Now, don't be nervous.
Alan is the best.
373
00:18:49,422 --> 00:18:50,902
He has a terrific bedside manner
374
00:18:50,942 --> 00:18:53,102
and is very experienced
in these situations.
375
00:18:53,142 --> 00:18:54,542
Did you just say "Alan"?
376
00:18:54,582 --> 00:18:56,942
KNOCKS AT DOOR
Where the fuck is he?
377
00:18:56,982 --> 00:19:00,982
You've got to be kidding?
378
00:19:01,782 --> 00:19:03,542
How you doing, boys?
379
00:19:03,582 --> 00:19:05,222
Hi, Alan. Hi, Alan.
380
00:19:05,262 --> 00:19:09,182
Now, then... Ed tells me
that you've lost your bottle.
381
00:19:09,222 --> 00:19:11,382
Thanks, Ed.
Don't you worry, son.
382
00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:15,422
I've cured many actors whose arse
has caved in at the last minute -
383
00:19:15,582 --> 00:19:19,582
Roy Castle... Mmm. ..Mark Rylance
and I'm just back from Hollywood.
384
00:19:19,902 --> 00:19:23,902
Been doing a lot of work with
Meryl Streep and her fear of bells.
385
00:19:23,982 --> 00:19:26,342
It's a bit desperate, Alan.
The curtain goes up in...
386
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:29,902
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...
All I need you to do
387
00:19:29,942 --> 00:19:33,662
is listen to my voice
and my voice alone
388
00:19:33,702 --> 00:19:37,222
and I guarantee we'll have
you back on that greengage
389
00:19:37,262 --> 00:19:39,382
in no fucking time at all.
390
00:19:39,422 --> 00:19:43,422
Now, then... Bah, spare me
this New Age shoeshine!
391
00:19:43,502 --> 00:19:46,582
Look, Toast, you'd better
get your act together.
392
00:19:46,622 --> 00:19:48,182
We're on in less than one hour.
393
00:19:48,222 --> 00:19:50,462
I have waited 20 years
to play Macduff
394
00:19:50,502 --> 00:19:52,142
and I won't let you
screw it up for me!
395
00:19:52,182 --> 00:19:54,222
Word is already out about
this Kubrick thing.
396
00:19:54,262 --> 00:19:56,702
Everyone thinks you've lost
your marbles. You're a joke!
397
00:19:56,742 --> 00:19:58,062
And if you fuck this up tonight,
398
00:19:58,102 --> 00:20:00,022
every actor in London is
going to hunt you down
399
00:20:00,062 --> 00:20:02,102
and cut you from arsehole
to breakfast time!
400
00:20:02,142 --> 00:20:03,862
Who the fuck is this?
401
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:05,382
His name's Ray Purchase.
402
00:20:05,422 --> 00:20:08,342
He lives near the Warrington pub,
Alan, in Maida Vale.
403
00:20:08,382 --> 00:20:11,302
Nice boozer. Now, you listen to me,
404
00:20:11,342 --> 00:20:14,182
Ray Purchase from Maida Vale.
405
00:20:14,222 --> 00:20:16,302
You's have got two options here,
I reckon.
406
00:20:16,342 --> 00:20:18,862
One, you carry on like you was
407
00:20:18,902 --> 00:20:21,302
and take a chance that
I don't hunt you down
408
00:20:21,342 --> 00:20:24,742
and cut you from arsehole
to breakfast time!
409
00:20:24,782 --> 00:20:27,062
Or you can fuck off,
410
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:31,102
after apologising to me for
putting me off my stroke!
411
00:20:31,182 --> 00:20:33,622
I'm sorry, Alan.
I was just trying to help.
412
00:20:33,662 --> 00:20:34,902
And to Toast.
413
00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:38,822
Really? Yes!
414
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,822
Sorry, Toast.
TOAST SNORTS
415
00:20:40,862 --> 00:20:44,382
Now, at this point,
I need to be alone with my client.
416
00:20:44,422 --> 00:20:48,422
Of course. So, please - Ed, could
you take silly bollocks outside?
417
00:20:49,462 --> 00:20:52,862
Ray? Yeah.
418
00:20:52,902 --> 00:20:56,902
Now then, time to get my tools out.
419
00:20:57,822 --> 00:20:59,902
SAWING WOOD
420
00:20:59,942 --> 00:21:01,342
How's it going, Alan?
421
00:21:01,382 --> 00:21:03,102
Nearly there, son.
422
00:21:03,142 --> 00:21:04,782
Timber!
423
00:21:04,822 --> 00:21:07,582
CRASH
424
00:21:07,622 --> 00:21:11,622
My voice is in my sword...
425
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:15,862
..thou bloodier villain than
terms can give thee out!
426
00:21:15,902 --> 00:21:19,902
RAY PURCHASE SHOUTS AND GRUNTS
427
00:21:25,902 --> 00:21:29,542
Come on! Fuck!
Do the bloody thing!
428
00:21:29,582 --> 00:21:31,862
Can't, can I?! Come on, man!
429
00:21:31,902 --> 00:21:35,902
I'm stuck to the pole!
430
00:21:38,262 --> 00:21:42,262
APPLAUSE
431
00:21:49,822 --> 00:21:53,822
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
432
00:21:59,182 --> 00:22:03,182
Ah!
433
00:22:05,302 --> 00:22:07,022
Good reviews for the play, Toast.
434
00:22:07,062 --> 00:22:09,462
Lots of praise for your pillar work.
435
00:22:09,502 --> 00:22:12,142
"Steven Toast's brilliantly
inventive Macbeth,
436
00:22:12,182 --> 00:22:14,022
"clutching a pillar throughout.
437
00:22:14,062 --> 00:22:16,622
"A clever metaphor for
the burden of guilt and paranoia
438
00:22:16,662 --> 00:22:18,102
"carried by the character."
439
00:22:18,142 --> 00:22:20,462
LAUGHTER
If only they knew!
440
00:22:20,502 --> 00:22:22,302
PHONE RINGS
441
00:22:22,342 --> 00:22:25,622
Toast? Well done again, Toast.
442
00:22:25,662 --> 00:22:27,942
Sorry about all that CIA nonsense.
443
00:22:27,982 --> 00:22:31,782
I must have got caught up
in all your paranoia.
444
00:22:31,822 --> 00:22:35,822
Very unlike me. Ciao for now.
445
00:22:37,262 --> 00:22:41,262
Ah...
446
00:22:45,062 --> 00:22:47,422
AMERICAN ACCENT: You must be Jane.
447
00:22:47,462 --> 00:22:51,462
Where's Toast?
448
00:22:53,262 --> 00:22:54,702
Great stuff. Thank you, man.
449
00:22:54,742 --> 00:22:57,502
My pleasure. Do it again, one more.
Oh, yeah. One more for the road!
450
00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:59,382
Go on, then.
CLEARS THROAT
451
00:22:59,422 --> 00:23:01,582
TOAST'S VOICE: My name
is Steven Toast.
452
00:23:01,622 --> 00:23:04,382
And I saw Stanley Kubrick
direct the moon landings.
453
00:23:04,422 --> 00:23:08,422
LAUGHTER
Oh, it's too good! Ciao.
454
00:23:11,222 --> 00:23:41,942
GUNSHOT
455
00:23:41,992 --> 00:23:46,542
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