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1
00:00:02,591 --> 00:00:04,599
Up periscope.
2
00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:11,111
Down periscope.
3
00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:13,925
Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
4
00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:16,685
- What, the work experience boy?
- Yeah, can you hear me, Steven?
5
00:00:16,686 --> 00:00:19,485
Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
Where's that other prick?
6
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:22,925
Danny? He's DJing
at a music festival this weekend.
7
00:00:22,926 --> 00:00:23,965
Yeah, just to be clear,
8
00:00:23,966 --> 00:00:27,565
so these'll be heard
on every submarine in the Royal Navy?
9
00:00:27,566 --> 00:00:29,725
Yeah, they're just automating
and digitising everything, you know.
10
00:00:29,726 --> 00:00:31,645
The Commander presses a button,
11
00:00:31,646 --> 00:00:33,965
and the recording of your voice
will be heard immediately...
12
00:00:33,966 --> 00:00:37,966
Yeah, I'm not interested in all that.
Can we just crack on?
13
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:42,406
Fire the nuclear weapons!
14
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,045
Steven, that was good.
15
00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:48,485
But do you think
you can give it another try,
16
00:00:48,486 --> 00:00:50,965
this time saying it
in a less alarming way?
17
00:00:50,966 --> 00:00:53,085
Less alarming?
18
00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:55,525
I've just given the order
to fire the nuclear weapons.
19
00:00:55,526 --> 00:00:57,685
I've just unleashed Armageddon!
20
00:00:57,686 --> 00:01:00,485
Yes, but the feeling here is
that you could do it in a way which is a little less dramatic.
21
00:01:00,486 --> 00:01:03,206
It's just a little bit over the top
at the moment. Have fun with it.
22
00:01:06,246 --> 00:01:09,126
Fire the nuclear weapons!
23
00:01:10,166 --> 00:01:12,445
That was a little bit too far
the other way, a bit too, um... jolly.
24
00:01:12,446 --> 00:01:14,526
You know, why don't you
just try it a few more times?
25
00:01:16,886 --> 00:01:19,405
Fire the nuclear weapons!
26
00:01:19,406 --> 00:01:22,005
Fire the nuclear weapons!
27
00:01:22,006 --> 00:01:25,045
Fire... the nuclear weapons!
28
00:01:25,046 --> 00:01:28,205
Fire the nuclear weapons!
29
00:01:28,206 --> 00:01:31,685
Fire the nuclear weapons!
30
00:01:31,686 --> 00:01:35,246
Yeah!
31
00:01:36,566 --> 00:01:39,727
Do you want to move on to the next one,
Steven? You can come back to that later.
32
00:01:40,966 --> 00:01:43,057
Abandon the vessel immediately.
33
00:01:44,984 --> 00:01:52,984
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
34
00:02:10,966 --> 00:02:14,565
So, they put the lot of them out in
the field and they started eating grass.
35
00:02:14,566 --> 00:02:17,325
Sorry, Ed, I don't understand.
You don't eat grass, you smoke it.
36
00:02:17,326 --> 00:02:18,925
Not if you're a cow.
37
00:02:18,926 --> 00:02:22,926
Oh! Sorry. I thought you were
talking about the Rolling Stones.
38
00:02:23,166 --> 00:02:27,165
No.
39
00:02:27,166 --> 00:02:28,885
Day off, Toast?
40
00:02:28,886 --> 00:02:31,805
Yes. I'm meeting Portia de Coogan.
41
00:02:31,806 --> 00:02:33,325
- The nurse?
- Yeah.
42
00:02:33,326 --> 00:02:35,365
Strange career choice for the
daughter of Lord Fotheringham.
43
00:02:35,366 --> 00:02:36,925
- Who's he?
- He's very close to Cameron.
44
00:02:36,926 --> 00:02:40,365
Looks in line for a top job
at the next cabinet reshuffle.
45
00:02:40,366 --> 00:02:42,925
He's come along way since being
a producer at Radio 1 in the '70s.
46
00:02:42,926 --> 00:02:46,565
Portia's definitely my type. We have
exactly the same sense of humour.
47
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,805
I told her a joke last week.
She found it extremely amusing!
48
00:02:49,806 --> 00:02:50,845
Did she laugh heartily?
49
00:02:50,846 --> 00:02:54,125
No. She doesn't show
any external signs of enjoyment.
50
00:02:54,126 --> 00:02:57,925
But I know she finds me very funny
and great company.
51
00:02:57,926 --> 00:03:01,125
She was a girl of the forest
52
00:03:01,126 --> 00:03:02,925
A virgin, they say...
53
00:03:02,926 --> 00:03:05,045
Whoa, Ed! That's really loud!
54
00:03:05,046 --> 00:03:09,046
How do you think Iain Duncan Smith
is doing at Work and Pensions?
55
00:03:09,206 --> 00:03:11,925
Sorry, Toast. I shouldn't talk
politics at the breakfast table.
56
00:03:11,926 --> 00:03:14,885
You know, I met Thatcher once
at Lionel Blair's house.
57
00:03:14,886 --> 00:03:18,005
Surprised to see her drink
Heineken from a can.
58
00:03:18,006 --> 00:03:22,006
You know, when I started courting my
wife, she used to dress up as Mrs Thatcher.
59
00:03:22,326 --> 00:03:23,885
The blue twinset.
60
00:03:23,886 --> 00:03:27,886
Slowly undoing her buttons to
reveal... no-nonsense M&S underwear.
61
00:03:29,366 --> 00:03:30,685
Mm.
62
00:03:30,686 --> 00:03:33,525
Yours truly relishing the role
of the blimpish Denis...
63
00:03:33,526 --> 00:03:36,525
obeying her every command.
64
00:03:36,526 --> 00:03:39,085
Ever interested
in anything like that, Toast?
65
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:40,965
- Powerful women?
- Mm.
66
00:03:40,966 --> 00:03:42,286
Maybe in uniform?
67
00:03:52,846 --> 00:03:54,765
- Ah.
- You all right, Toast?
68
00:03:54,766 --> 00:03:58,766
Sorry, Ed. I must have drifted off
there.
69
00:04:00,526 --> 00:04:03,205
Toast, I'm a little uncomfortable
here.
70
00:04:03,206 --> 00:04:05,125
I don't think I should be
wearing my nurse's uniform.
71
00:04:05,126 --> 00:04:06,165
- But you're a nurse.
- Yes, but...
72
00:04:06,166 --> 00:04:07,725
And you've just come off the night
shift.
73
00:04:07,726 --> 00:04:09,205
I should have gone home and changed.
74
00:04:09,206 --> 00:04:11,205
No. That'd have been
a massive waste of time.
75
00:04:11,206 --> 00:04:13,885
Look, we'll have a couple of drinks
here then maybe go and see a film.
76
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:16,125
How about a comedy? I love to laugh.
77
00:04:16,126 --> 00:04:18,605
Toast, I've been meaning to talk
to you.
78
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,045
- You're talking to me now.
- Yes.
79
00:04:20,046 --> 00:04:23,205
It's about the sense of humour
issue.
80
00:04:23,206 --> 00:04:27,005
I have a terrific sense of humour.
It's just very dry.
81
00:04:27,006 --> 00:04:30,285
Often mistaken for having
no sense of humour at all,
82
00:04:30,286 --> 00:04:32,725
much like Mandelson,
or Nigel Mansell.
83
00:04:32,726 --> 00:04:34,805
- Who?
- Same as my father before me.
84
00:04:34,806 --> 00:04:37,965
And my aunts. You know, my family
were known as the dry Toasts.
85
00:04:37,966 --> 00:04:39,165
Really?
86
00:04:39,166 --> 00:04:40,685
Ellen, my soon to be ex-wife,
87
00:04:40,686 --> 00:04:43,765
thought I literally couldn't see
the funny side of anything.
88
00:04:43,766 --> 00:04:47,285
She's quite wrong.
It's just very, very dry.
89
00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:49,405
I think it's about time you met
my father.
90
00:04:49,406 --> 00:04:52,525
He has the most wonderful
sense of humour,
91
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:55,285
and it's very important
that you laugh at his jokes.
92
00:04:55,286 --> 00:04:58,965
But you may not be able to tell
what is a joke and what isn't.
93
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,805
Well, maybe if you tell me
what his jokes were beforehand,
94
00:05:00,806 --> 00:05:02,365
then I'll know when to laugh.
95
00:05:02,366 --> 00:05:06,085
Well, Father doesn't write actual
jokes for his conversations.
96
00:05:06,086 --> 00:05:07,845
He tends to be more spontaneous.
97
00:05:07,846 --> 00:05:10,045
He just may make, for example,
98
00:05:10,046 --> 00:05:12,605
well, an off-the-cuff remark
about Boris Johnson,
99
00:05:12,606 --> 00:05:14,205
- and you'll have to laugh at it.
- OK.
100
00:05:14,206 --> 00:05:15,685
So, he mentions Boris Johnson
101
00:05:15,686 --> 00:05:17,005
- and I'll laugh.
- No.
102
00:05:17,006 --> 00:05:19,565
But he may mention Boris Johnson
not in the context of a joke.
103
00:05:19,566 --> 00:05:21,245
Well, how's that possible?
104
00:05:21,246 --> 00:05:23,285
Listen.
105
00:05:23,286 --> 00:05:25,565
I have a friend of a friend.
106
00:05:25,566 --> 00:05:26,645
Mm!
107
00:05:26,646 --> 00:05:28,005
He's a stand-up comedian
108
00:05:28,006 --> 00:05:29,645
- called Russell House.
- Oh.
109
00:05:29,646 --> 00:05:32,605
In order for us to keep seeing each
other, you need to be a little funnier.
110
00:05:32,606 --> 00:05:35,485
I asked Russell to e-mail me
some funny lines
111
00:05:35,486 --> 00:05:39,486
and amusing quips that you could try
out.
112
00:05:39,926 --> 00:05:43,245
"I'm going up to Edinburgh next
month. I've been so busy.
113
00:05:43,246 --> 00:05:45,725
"But I think
there's some good stuff here."
114
00:05:45,726 --> 00:05:46,845
Yeah, I could try something like
that.
115
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:49,045
Anything with a Scots reference
is usually quite funny.
116
00:05:49,046 --> 00:05:51,605
No, no, that's just the first line
of the e-mail to me.
117
00:05:51,606 --> 00:05:53,685
That's not a joke.
118
00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:57,686
- Did you think that was a joke?
- No.
119
00:06:01,606 --> 00:06:03,125
- Toast?
- Dubbing request just in.
120
00:06:03,126 --> 00:06:05,565
Bloody hell, Jane! It's my day off!
121
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:09,566
They just need you to do some more
voice-overs for the nuclear submarine.
122
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:14,045
I thought I'd finished all that
"Up periscope, down periscope" jazz.
123
00:06:14,046 --> 00:06:16,445
They just need a few additions.
124
00:06:16,446 --> 00:06:19,965
They are paying you
handsomely for this, Toast.
125
00:06:19,966 --> 00:06:22,005
It's the Ministry of Defence.
126
00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:26,006
COBRA, to be precise.
One doesn't say no to COBRA.
127
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:27,685
Well, how long will I be there?
128
00:06:27,686 --> 00:06:29,325
Oh, they're complete perfectionists,
the Royal Navy.
129
00:06:29,326 --> 00:06:32,445
I'd say about... three and a half
hours.
130
00:06:32,446 --> 00:06:34,965
Hm.
131
00:06:34,966 --> 00:06:37,125
Oh, God.
132
00:06:37,126 --> 00:06:38,205
Yes, please.
133
00:06:38,206 --> 00:06:41,645
Bloody hell.
134
00:06:41,646 --> 00:06:44,525
Stay where you are, Portia de Coogan.
I'll be right back.
135
00:06:44,526 --> 00:06:48,526
- Well, how long will you be?
- Three and a half hours.
136
00:06:52,166 --> 00:06:55,245
OK, Steven, thanks for coming in at
such a short notice. Really appreciate it.
137
00:06:55,246 --> 00:06:58,325
You ready to go? In your own time.
138
00:06:58,326 --> 00:06:59,725
Disem...
139
00:06:59,726 --> 00:07:01,125
bark.
140
00:07:01,126 --> 00:07:03,005
- Sorry, I'll do that again.
- No, that's fine.
141
00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:05,685
- What?
- That's fine. You got it in one.
142
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:09,125
I coughed halfway through it.
143
00:07:09,126 --> 00:07:12,085
Did... didn't notice anything. I...
144
00:07:12,086 --> 00:07:14,925
That's perfect, Steven. We've got
all the voice-overs. Now you're free to go.
145
00:07:14,926 --> 00:07:16,125
What, so that's it?
146
00:07:16,126 --> 00:07:18,565
But they told me I'd be here
for three and a half hours.
147
00:07:18,566 --> 00:07:20,965
I broke into a romantic date for
this.
148
00:07:20,966 --> 00:07:23,965
I could be in the cinema
laughing my arse off!
149
00:07:23,966 --> 00:07:27,125
Well, you're free now, Steven.
That's all we need.
150
00:07:27,126 --> 00:07:31,126
Yeah? Well, fuck you three!
151
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:36,005
Steven!
152
00:07:36,006 --> 00:07:39,605
Blair, what the hell are you doing
here? Is that a new hand?
153
00:07:39,606 --> 00:07:43,445
Oh, yes. Usual one's getting fixed.
154
00:07:43,446 --> 00:07:46,045
Toby told me you were doing
more voice-overs for the submarine.
155
00:07:46,046 --> 00:07:48,725
Called the studio.
They said you'd be here.
156
00:07:48,726 --> 00:07:51,125
What's that got to do with you?
And who the hell is Toby?
157
00:07:51,126 --> 00:07:53,645
Do you mean the Vice Commander
of the sub, second in charge?
158
00:07:53,646 --> 00:07:54,725
The Navy is his whole life.
159
00:07:54,726 --> 00:07:58,645
He's the complete opposite of
the kind of pinko long-hairs you run with.
160
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,605
He's immensely proud of this submarine.
She's been completely refurbished.
161
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:05,125
Almost everything is run
by computers.
162
00:08:05,126 --> 00:08:06,445
The only thing they physically have
to do
163
00:08:06,446 --> 00:08:08,645
is put out the rubbish
when they dock in port.
164
00:08:08,646 --> 00:08:10,725
- So, who's the new commander?
- What?
165
00:08:10,726 --> 00:08:13,205
Who's the new commander?
166
00:08:13,206 --> 00:08:16,845
I'm Commander Susan Scott-Goram.
Is one of you gentlemen Steven Toast?
167
00:08:16,846 --> 00:08:20,325
I am the Steven Toast that you
require. This is my brother Blair.
168
00:08:20,326 --> 00:08:21,605
Hm.
169
00:08:21,606 --> 00:08:22,725
Well, I wanted to let you know
170
00:08:22,726 --> 00:08:25,565
how much we appreciate
your voice-over work on this.
171
00:08:25,566 --> 00:08:27,005
Well, it's very good of you to come.
172
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:30,485
We're all very proud of our newly
refurbished submarine, the Penetrator.
173
00:08:30,486 --> 00:08:34,486
Penetrator? Mm, that's a great name.
Surprised it hasn't been taken already.
174
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:38,605
In equity there was another actor
called Steven Toast,
175
00:08:38,606 --> 00:08:40,805
so he had to change his name
to Chris Bread.
176
00:08:40,806 --> 00:08:43,485
- Crisp Bread?
- No, Chris Bread.
177
00:08:43,486 --> 00:08:45,805
Should have been you who changed
your name. The disgrace!
178
00:08:45,806 --> 00:08:48,005
A Toast in the acting game.
179
00:08:48,006 --> 00:08:51,165
You must come to the relaunch.
It's tomorrow afternoon.
180
00:08:51,166 --> 00:08:52,765
Steven is in a play here in London.
181
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,725
- I'm afraid he won't be able to.
- I'd love to.
182
00:08:55,726 --> 00:08:58,685
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
will be in attendance. Do you know them?
183
00:08:58,686 --> 00:09:00,845
I'm afraid I don't know
any of the minor royals.
184
00:09:00,846 --> 00:09:04,805
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
are Prince William and Kate Middleton.
185
00:09:04,806 --> 00:09:08,806
Oh, yes. By... by minor royals,
I meant royals that aren't the Queen.
186
00:09:09,526 --> 00:09:13,526
Well, I hope you both can come.
Good day, gentlemen.
187
00:09:15,686 --> 00:09:19,205
Can you believe someone like that
is commanding a royal submarine?
188
00:09:19,206 --> 00:09:22,685
You know, a strumpet like that
can just waltz in, get the top job.
189
00:09:22,686 --> 00:09:25,045
It's your lot at The Guardian.
190
00:09:25,046 --> 00:09:27,645
Political correctness
gone off the bloody scale!
191
00:09:27,646 --> 00:09:29,525
She seems perfectly capable to me.
192
00:09:29,526 --> 00:09:31,645
A girl in charge of our nuclear sub?
193
00:09:31,646 --> 00:09:32,765
Might as well hand it over
194
00:09:32,766 --> 00:09:34,965
- to the Monty Python team!
- Who?
195
00:09:34,966 --> 00:09:38,685
Oh, I haven't got time to sit here talking
nonsense with you in this bugger house!
196
00:09:38,686 --> 00:09:42,686
I'm off!
197
00:09:52,486 --> 00:09:54,725
Mm.
198
00:09:54,726 --> 00:09:57,845
Oh, God.
199
00:09:57,846 --> 00:09:59,565
Ah.
200
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:03,566
You'd forgotten your hat.
201
00:10:11,686 --> 00:10:13,309
Shit.
202
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:29,886
Ah, there she is.
203
00:10:30,953 --> 00:10:31,992
Oh, God.
204
00:10:31,993 --> 00:10:33,112
Cocoa time.
205
00:10:33,113 --> 00:10:37,113
Yeah, just put it there. Ah.
206
00:10:37,248 --> 00:10:39,628
Letter came for you.
I put it downstairs on the table.
207
00:10:39,685 --> 00:10:41,284
Yes, I got it. Nice royalty cheque
208
00:10:41,285 --> 00:10:43,404
from that TV miniseries
I did a few years ago.
209
00:10:43,405 --> 00:10:46,004
Which? The prequel to
Brideshead Revisited.
210
00:10:46,005 --> 00:10:48,324
Oh, yes. What was that called?
Brideshead.
211
00:10:48,325 --> 00:10:49,844
Of course. So...
212
00:10:49,845 --> 00:10:52,644
how are you getting on with Portia?
She wants me to meet her father.
213
00:10:52,645 --> 00:10:55,244
Apparently the old bugger's
got some fondness for jokes
214
00:10:55,245 --> 00:10:58,364
and Portia's very keen
that I'm amusing in his company.
215
00:10:58,365 --> 00:11:01,564
So, you need some jokes, do you?
Not jokes as such.
216
00:11:01,565 --> 00:11:04,564
Well, maybe little things to say
so people think you're fun. Such as?
217
00:11:04,565 --> 00:11:06,444
You know, simple phrases
taxi drivers use.
218
00:11:06,445 --> 00:11:09,084
Like, "I believe you,
thousands wouldn't."
219
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:12,524
Um..."What can I do you for?" as
opposed to "What can I do for you?"
220
00:11:12,525 --> 00:11:14,804
No. "Don't give up the day job."
That's useful when...
221
00:11:14,805 --> 00:11:17,524
No, Ed.
They're not jokes as such.
222
00:11:17,525 --> 00:11:18,964
They're just little things to say.
223
00:11:18,965 --> 00:11:21,364
Yes, probably fine in the hands
of taxi drivers
224
00:11:21,365 --> 00:11:22,724
or cockneys or even Geordies.
225
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,804
If I said anything like that,
people'd think
226
00:11:24,805 --> 00:11:25,844
I was fucking crackers.
227
00:11:25,845 --> 00:11:27,804
Or maybe when somebody says to you,
228
00:11:27,805 --> 00:11:29,964
"Didn't I see you on telly
last night?",
229
00:11:29,965 --> 00:11:33,965
you say, "I hope
it wasn't Crimewatch."
230
00:11:34,405 --> 00:11:35,444
I don't get it.
231
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,844
When someone says, "Didn't I see you
on telly last night?"
232
00:11:37,845 --> 00:11:40,084
And then you say, "I hope it wasn't
Crimewatch UK", and they say...
233
00:11:40,085 --> 00:11:43,004
No, just Crimewatch.
The "UK" ruins it cos the rhythm...
234
00:11:43,005 --> 00:11:47,005
Yeah, don't waste your time, Ed.
It's not going to work.
235
00:11:49,925 --> 00:11:53,925
Sleep well, Toast.
236
00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:12,524
Help me step out of my life
237
00:12:12,525 --> 00:12:16,525
Leave behind my troubles,
fear and strife
238
00:12:17,565 --> 00:12:21,565
Would you take me far away with you
239
00:12:22,245 --> 00:12:26,245
In your uniform so smart and new?
240
00:12:41,765 --> 00:12:45,765
We could sail the seven seas
241
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:50,165
Hand in hand,
we could march victoriously
242
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:54,645
I would always feel
so safe with you
243
00:12:55,245 --> 00:12:59,245
In your uniform
so smart and new...
244
00:13:16,885 --> 00:13:19,484
Have you actually seen
the royal couple?
245
00:13:19,485 --> 00:13:20,524
William and Kate? Mm.
246
00:13:20,525 --> 00:13:21,924
Yes, I was just chatting to them.
247
00:13:21,925 --> 00:13:24,924
It transpires that none of us
has ever had to change a duvet cover.
248
00:13:24,925 --> 00:13:26,484
Ah! Ha! Ha-ha-ha!
249
00:13:26,485 --> 00:13:28,724
Well, of course,
Toby is related to the happy couple.
250
00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,764
On the, er... right side,
I should add. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
251
00:13:31,765 --> 00:13:33,964
My father is the Queen's
fifth cousin. Wonderful.
252
00:13:33,965 --> 00:13:35,884
Drink, Toby?
253
00:13:35,885 --> 00:13:39,644
I'm sorry to be frightfully boring,
but, er... still on duty. Better not.
254
00:13:39,645 --> 00:13:41,404
Yeah, yeah, course, course.
255
00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:43,604
Anyone seen the Commander around?
256
00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:46,044
Actually, I haven't
seen her today, no.
257
00:13:46,045 --> 00:13:49,284
Excuse me a moment.
I have some things to take care of.
258
00:13:49,285 --> 00:13:51,084
Yes, yes, of course. Ha-ha!
259
00:13:51,085 --> 00:13:54,564
Why the hell did you mention that
bloody woman? Must be killing him
260
00:13:54,565 --> 00:13:58,565
that a tart like her should be in
charge of this magnificent vessel.
261
00:13:58,645 --> 00:14:00,884
Of course, if he was
an Afro-Caribbean lesbian
262
00:14:00,885 --> 00:14:02,444
running the Notting Hill Carnival,
263
00:14:02,445 --> 00:14:04,684
he'd be in charge of
the entire bloody Navy by now.
264
00:14:04,685 --> 00:14:07,084
Do you know, I've never
been on a submarine before?
265
00:14:07,085 --> 00:14:10,404
I might go for a bit of a wander.
Might bump into the Commander.
266
00:14:10,405 --> 00:14:14,405
Don't stray into
any unauthorised areas.
267
00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:24,685
Hm!
268
00:14:31,765 --> 00:14:33,764
Ooh. Toast!
269
00:14:33,765 --> 00:14:35,484
I'm surprised to see you here.
270
00:14:35,485 --> 00:14:37,444
I did the voice-over
for the submarine.
271
00:14:37,445 --> 00:14:40,724
Oh, yes. Well, this is my father,
Lord Fotheringham.
272
00:14:40,725 --> 00:14:43,965
Father, this is Steven Toast.
273
00:14:46,445 --> 00:14:48,005
Sorry?
274
00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:52,604
What's that? It's just
a low grumble. Ah.
275
00:14:52,605 --> 00:14:53,924
Er... it's nice to meet you.
276
00:14:53,925 --> 00:14:57,364
Er... Portia tells me you have
a terrific sense of humour.
277
00:14:57,365 --> 00:14:58,724
Much like myself.
278
00:14:58,725 --> 00:15:01,405
What are you doing
in an unauthorised area?
279
00:15:04,325 --> 00:15:07,564
Hm. Well, I might ask you...
280
00:15:07,565 --> 00:15:09,764
the same question.
281
00:15:09,765 --> 00:15:11,604
I'm the Minister of Defence.
282
00:15:11,605 --> 00:15:15,605
Really? There was a reshuffle
this morning.
283
00:15:15,725 --> 00:15:18,245
Is Duncan Smith
still at Work and Pensions?
284
00:15:22,365 --> 00:15:24,965
How about Boris Johnson
for the top job?
285
00:15:27,725 --> 00:15:29,124
I said Boris Johnson.
286
00:15:29,125 --> 00:15:32,004
I have to leave now.
287
00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:35,244
Yes. Father is giving a speech.
Are you coming?
288
00:15:35,245 --> 00:15:37,324
Is that the Commander's hat?
289
00:15:37,325 --> 00:15:40,245
Er... yes, she must have dropped it.
She's around here somewhere.
290
00:15:44,085 --> 00:15:48,085
What the hell are you up to, Toast?
291
00:15:51,485 --> 00:15:53,364
Steven?
292
00:15:53,365 --> 00:15:57,164
Oh! You haven't seen
the Commander, have you?
293
00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,924
I wonder, could I have a quick word?
294
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,884
Something I want to
talk to you about.
295
00:16:00,885 --> 00:16:04,885
Won't take a second. This way.
296
00:16:05,977 --> 00:16:09,977
Care for a brandy?
A brandy? Er... yes, please.
297
00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:11,675
You're not having one yourself?
298
00:16:11,676 --> 00:16:13,715
Still on duty. Oh, of course.
299
00:16:13,716 --> 00:16:16,075
Bottoms up! So...
300
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:19,075
Blair tells me you're in show
business. Well, yes, I'm an actor.
301
00:16:19,076 --> 00:16:20,475
The Navy must seem very stuffy
302
00:16:20,476 --> 00:16:23,075
for someone who's used to
hanging around with people like...
303
00:16:23,076 --> 00:16:26,235
Benedict Cumberbatch. Who? Listen.
304
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,355
There aren't too many people in
the Navy I could discuss this with,
305
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:33,356
but someone in your field
may be a tad more... understanding.
306
00:16:33,796 --> 00:16:35,555
Fire away. Well...
307
00:16:35,556 --> 00:16:37,835
one night about a month ago,
308
00:16:37,836 --> 00:16:41,475
I was driving from Portsmouth
to Cowes along a back road,
309
00:16:41,476 --> 00:16:43,235
when I saw a strange light
in the sky...
310
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:44,755
Right.
311
00:16:44,756 --> 00:16:48,756
And I began to realise
that it was some sort of craft.
312
00:16:49,716 --> 00:16:52,195
And then a door in the side
of the craft suddenly opened
313
00:16:52,196 --> 00:16:56,196
and strange alien-like creatures
began to emerge.
314
00:16:57,636 --> 00:16:59,475
Well, at that point
I suddenly passed out,
315
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:00,915
and the next thing I remember
316
00:17:00,916 --> 00:17:03,115
was waking up
with the distinct impression
317
00:17:03,116 --> 00:17:05,115
that the aliens had inserted
an anal probe...
318
00:17:05,116 --> 00:17:07,475
Oh!
319
00:17:07,476 --> 00:17:09,355
I was also left with the conviction
320
00:17:09,356 --> 00:17:11,835
that they expected me
to carry out some sort of task.
321
00:17:11,836 --> 00:17:14,315
They wanted me
to launch a nuclear attack
322
00:17:14,316 --> 00:17:16,676
against the United States of America.
323
00:17:19,676 --> 00:17:21,555
Could I have another brandy?
324
00:17:21,556 --> 00:17:23,555
Do.
325
00:17:23,556 --> 00:17:26,035
Forgive me for talking
about this, Toast.
326
00:17:26,036 --> 00:17:27,875
I've only told you
because you're an actor.
327
00:17:27,876 --> 00:17:30,435
Imagine trying to explain this
to the Minister of Defence.
328
00:17:30,436 --> 00:17:32,155
Especially the new one.
329
00:17:32,156 --> 00:17:33,955
Fotheringham? Yes.
330
00:17:33,956 --> 00:17:36,195
Although I don't think
he'll be around for too long.
331
00:17:36,196 --> 00:17:39,195
Very strong rumours that he'll be
arrested for misdemeanours...
332
00:17:39,196 --> 00:17:40,515
at the BBC.
333
00:17:40,516 --> 00:17:42,835
Really? The aliens chose me
334
00:17:42,836 --> 00:17:45,555
because I have access to nuclear
weapons on this submarine.
335
00:17:45,556 --> 00:17:47,475
So you plan to go through
with this attack?
336
00:17:47,476 --> 00:17:49,715
Oh, yes.
337
00:17:49,716 --> 00:17:52,635
The Commander has the special codes
needed to launch an attack,
338
00:17:52,636 --> 00:17:54,075
so I've tied her up in the hold.
339
00:17:54,076 --> 00:17:57,435
All I need to do is persuade her
to hand them over.
340
00:17:57,436 --> 00:17:58,955
Maybe you could help me with that.
341
00:17:58,956 --> 00:18:00,675
Look, if I'm honest,
I think you are...
342
00:18:00,676 --> 00:18:03,235
Hm.
343
00:18:03,236 --> 00:18:06,995
You will help, won't you, Steven?
344
00:18:06,996 --> 00:18:08,475
Yes!
345
00:18:08,476 --> 00:18:10,835
Mmf, mmf, mmf!
346
00:18:10,836 --> 00:18:13,195
Mmf! Mmf!
347
00:18:13,196 --> 00:18:16,715
All right, Commander, I'm sorry
to have to break rank like this,
348
00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:18,435
but I need to have those codes.
349
00:18:18,436 --> 00:18:22,436
Sorry, just before you do that,
could I just...
350
00:18:23,476 --> 00:18:26,675
Ah! Are you in on this too?
351
00:18:26,676 --> 00:18:30,676
We're all in on this - me,
Vice Commander Hopkinson-Finch,
352
00:18:30,996 --> 00:18:33,755
and the aliens
from the planet A-ah-ah-ah-ah!
353
00:18:33,756 --> 00:18:35,555
Have they been in contact
with you as well?
354
00:18:35,556 --> 00:18:37,155
What?
355
00:18:37,156 --> 00:18:40,155
Look, just give him the codes. I've
got to be at the theatre at 7:30.
356
00:18:40,156 --> 00:18:42,715
I need a direct order
from the Prime Minister!
357
00:18:42,716 --> 00:18:44,755
Oh, the aliens have been
in touch with him.
358
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:48,115
I'm expecting a phone call any
minute. Just give me the codes.
359
00:18:48,116 --> 00:18:51,955
Look, you give me the codes
and I'll write them down.
360
00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:53,635
Oh.
361
00:18:53,636 --> 00:18:55,155
OK, er...
362
00:18:55,156 --> 00:18:57,435
Six. 14.
363
00:18:57,436 --> 00:19:00,875
Um... Ooh! I don't have a pen.
364
00:19:00,876 --> 00:19:02,716
No, um...
365
00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:10,475
Help!
366
00:19:10,476 --> 00:19:11,795
Help!
367
00:19:11,796 --> 00:19:13,315
Ladies and gentlemen,
368
00:19:13,316 --> 00:19:17,316
welcome to the official relaunch
of the Penetrator.
369
00:19:18,276 --> 00:19:22,276
It gives me great pleasure on my
very first day as Defence Minister
370
00:19:24,996 --> 00:19:28,996
to launch this magnificently
refurbished vessel.
371
00:19:32,116 --> 00:19:34,795
Help!
372
00:19:34,796 --> 00:19:38,196
I don't suppose you fancy going
for a drink some time, do you?
373
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:40,796
Uh!
374
00:19:42,796 --> 00:19:45,115
Up periscope.
375
00:19:45,116 --> 00:19:47,235
Down periscope.
376
00:19:47,236 --> 00:19:49,076
Launch the nuclear weapons.
377
00:19:50,236 --> 00:19:52,235
Abandon the vessel. Sorry.
378
00:19:52,236 --> 00:19:53,955
Help!
379
00:19:53,956 --> 00:19:56,955
The rubbish has been unloaded.
380
00:19:56,956 --> 00:19:59,675
Afternoon tea is being served.
381
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:03,036
Please keep your belongings
with you at all times.
382
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:07,115
Remember to wash your hands
after handling the torpedoes.
383
00:20:07,116 --> 00:20:08,755
Disem...
384
00:20:08,756 --> 00:20:12,355
bark.
385
00:20:12,356 --> 00:20:15,715
OK.
386
00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:19,715
I assured the Prime Minister
that I would not be "all at sea".
387
00:20:19,716 --> 00:20:23,716
Ha!
388
00:20:27,596 --> 00:20:30,155
But I've come an awfully long way
389
00:20:30,156 --> 00:20:34,156
since those pioneering days
at BBC Radio 1.
390
00:20:35,356 --> 00:20:37,076
At that time, I was...
391
00:20:38,356 --> 00:20:41,035
mainly concerned with airwaves,
392
00:20:41,036 --> 00:20:44,195
not the kind of waves
that we're surrounded by today.
393
00:20:44,196 --> 00:20:47,356
Ha!
394
00:20:51,916 --> 00:20:53,235
Yes.
395
00:20:53,236 --> 00:20:55,275
40 years ago.
396
00:20:55,276 --> 00:20:57,755
How society has changed.
397
00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:00,315
But one thing remains unchanged -
398
00:21:00,316 --> 00:21:04,235
the commitment of the Government to
the men and women of the Royal Navy,
399
00:21:04,236 --> 00:21:06,395
who do such a valuable job
400
00:21:06,396 --> 00:21:10,396
as Britain faces the challenges
of an uncertain and dangerous world.
401
00:21:13,316 --> 00:21:15,435
Lord Fotheringham? Yes?
402
00:21:15,436 --> 00:21:17,315
We need you to come
to the station with us.
403
00:21:17,316 --> 00:21:20,835
There have been some complaints
from female staff at the BBC
404
00:21:20,836 --> 00:21:22,795
dating back to the 1970s.
405
00:21:22,796 --> 00:21:24,915
The 1970s?
406
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,915
That's ages ago.
407
00:21:26,916 --> 00:21:29,235
What are you standing around for?
408
00:21:29,236 --> 00:21:31,315
There's a crazed alien nut job
in there,
409
00:21:31,316 --> 00:21:33,035
waving a piece at the Commander!
410
00:21:33,036 --> 00:21:36,075
Officers! I've managed
to overpower the Vice Commander
411
00:21:36,076 --> 00:21:37,835
and he's under lock and key
in the hold.
412
00:21:37,836 --> 00:21:40,955
Sorry? What's this about?
The Vice Commander.
413
00:21:40,956 --> 00:21:44,075
He was threatening to take over the
vessel and launch a nuclear strike.
414
00:21:44,076 --> 00:21:46,835
Don't know anything about that,
I'm afraid.
415
00:21:46,836 --> 00:21:50,795
Oi!
416
00:21:50,796 --> 00:21:54,475
You don't have to chase him
too, Toast!
417
00:21:54,476 --> 00:21:58,476
I'm not chasing him!
I have to be at the theatre at 7:30.
418
00:22:04,636 --> 00:22:07,795
Good God, Toast! Your brother...
419
00:22:07,796 --> 00:22:11,075
Hm? ..wants to meet me for a drink.
420
00:22:11,076 --> 00:22:13,915
You know, he really was
quite impressive back there.
421
00:22:13,916 --> 00:22:17,155
Well, perhaps he's considering
a career in the services,
422
00:22:17,156 --> 00:22:19,435
even if it is only the Navy.
423
00:22:19,436 --> 00:22:21,475
Well, his acting,
424
00:22:21,476 --> 00:22:24,595
when he pretended to play along
with the Vice Commander's wishes,
425
00:22:24,596 --> 00:22:26,755
was highly effective.
426
00:22:26,756 --> 00:22:29,155
He's clearly a very
capable performer.
427
00:22:29,156 --> 00:22:30,995
As long as he stays away
from comedy.
428
00:22:30,996 --> 00:22:32,915
He has absolutely no
sense of humour.
429
00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:34,715
Well, funny you should say that.
430
00:22:34,716 --> 00:22:37,195
Did you know our family
were known as the dry Toasts?
431
00:22:37,196 --> 00:22:38,515
Yes, I do know that. Right.
432
00:22:38,516 --> 00:22:42,516
Well, I suppose the service's loss
is the theatre's gain.
433
00:22:42,956 --> 00:22:46,355
Get off! Disgrace!
Disgrace! Disgrace!
434
00:22:46,356 --> 00:22:50,356
Disgrace! Disgrace!
Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!
435
00:22:50,596 --> 00:22:54,105
You should be ashamed of yourself!
436
00:22:54,194 --> 00:23:02,194
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