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1
00:00:00,015 --> 00:00:02,015
[Moaning]
2
00:00:04,148 --> 00:00:06,148
[Moaning]
3
00:00:08,398 --> 00:00:10,398
[Dog whine]
4
00:00:11,590 --> 00:00:13,590
Oh, oh, ouch.
5
00:00:15,239 --> 00:00:17,239
Oh, not again.
6
00:00:20,613 --> 00:00:22,613
Trump just says what he feels.
You know what I'm talking about?
7
00:00:22,699 --> 00:00:24,699
Yeah, totally.
8
00:00:25,269 --> 00:00:26,245
Hey, cousin.
9
00:00:26,331 --> 00:00:27,206
Oh, hey guys.
10
00:00:27,339 --> 00:00:29,339
Surprised to see you on the couch, Jeff.
11
00:00:29,574 --> 00:00:31,194
- Not!
- [Laughs]
12
00:00:31,272 --> 00:00:33,030
Oh hey, aren't you guys
supposed to be on a date?
13
00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:34,407
We just were. We went to the range.
14
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,017
Donnie made me shoot his gun.
15
00:00:36,019 --> 00:00:36,776
At first, I was scared,
16
00:00:36,778 --> 00:00:38,861
but then I was grateful
he forced me to do it.
17
00:00:38,863 --> 00:00:40,163
- Mm.
- Cool.
18
00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:41,331
All right, well, I'm late
19
00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:43,416
for my night watch shift, so, uh...
20
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,120
Call me after your wife goes to sleep.
21
00:00:47,122 --> 00:00:48,254
Bye.
22
00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:52,125
[Horn honks "Dixie"]
23
00:00:52,127 --> 00:00:55,178
[Engine revving]
24
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:58,298
Ooh, come to Mommy.
25
00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,216
Does Donnie still not know
you smoke weed?
26
00:01:00,218 --> 00:01:01,801
Of course he doesn't.
27
00:01:01,803 --> 00:01:02,969
I can't implicate Donnie.
28
00:01:02,971 --> 00:01:03,970
He's an officer of the law.
29
00:01:03,972 --> 00:01:05,305
No, he's not.
30
00:01:05,307 --> 00:01:06,606
He runs a volunteer neighborhood watch.
31
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:08,107
You're just a perma-hater
32
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:09,976
'cause you haven't gotten laid
since high school.
33
00:01:09,978 --> 00:01:12,812
Just let me put you on OkCupid.
34
00:01:12,814 --> 00:01:15,648
No, I hate that it's the only
way people meet nowadays.
35
00:01:15,650 --> 00:01:17,367
You know, I was born
in the wrong decade.
36
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:18,701
- Born in the wrong decade.
- I know.
37
00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:20,153
- Well, I was.
- I hate when you say that.
38
00:01:20,155 --> 00:01:21,654
You know what? Let me... let me...
39
00:01:21,656 --> 00:01:24,207
Um, I'll open my mail,
and I got to close my...
40
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:25,491
[Woman moaning]
41
00:01:25,493 --> 00:01:27,577
[Audio skipping]
42
00:01:27,579 --> 00:01:28,494
Jeff!
43
00:01:28,496 --> 00:01:30,463
This is the third time.
44
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:34,050
This is the third computer
you've broken.
45
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,501
What is wrong with you?
46
00:01:35,503 --> 00:01:36,502
Hey, I'm sorry!
47
00:01:36,504 --> 00:01:38,004
It's disgusting.
48
00:01:38,006 --> 00:01:39,389
It's not my fault everything's shitty
49
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,640
and made in sweatshops nowadays
50
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,725
and breaks if a drop of jizz hits it.
51
00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:46,012
Aim, Jeff, or do it away
from my computer.
52
00:01:46,014 --> 00:01:48,514
I can't get off without hd porn, Sharee.
53
00:01:48,516 --> 00:01:50,149
It's the only good thing about 2016.
54
00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:51,818
Ew. Please, stop.
55
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:54,320
And I'm not alone in that, you know.
56
00:01:55,190 --> 00:01:56,522
[Jars rattle]
57
00:01:56,524 --> 00:01:59,742
Did you eat my buffalo chicken bites?
58
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,527
- No.
- Well, now you owe me
59
00:02:01,529 --> 00:02:03,363
[bleep] Buffalo chicken bites,
you bitch.
60
00:02:03,365 --> 00:02:04,914
Okay. Chill out.
61
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:07,367
I'll go to wawa and buy you
new bites right now.
62
00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:08,751
Yeah, we will.
63
00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:10,036
Both: But I'm too high to drive.
64
00:02:10,038 --> 00:02:11,037
[Sighs]
65
00:02:11,039 --> 00:02:12,288
[Bicycle bell dings]
66
00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:15,291
[Dramatic music]
67
00:02:15,293 --> 00:02:19,929
68
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:22,131
[Whooshing]
69
00:02:22,133 --> 00:02:29,806
70
00:02:29,808 --> 00:02:30,807
- Watch out!
- Hey!
71
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,277
- Holy shit!
- Holy shit! Oh, my god!
72
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:35,862
Oh, my god!
73
00:02:39,401 --> 00:02:41,367
[Bleep]!
74
00:02:49,911 --> 00:02:52,745
[Indistinct police radio chatter]
75
00:02:52,747 --> 00:02:54,831
- And then these two people...
- They just came out of the sky.
76
00:02:54,833 --> 00:02:56,549
I mean, they fell, like,
smack down on the ground.
77
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:57,834
They landed... There was all this smoke,
78
00:02:57,836 --> 00:02:59,469
- and they just materialized
- out of thin air.
79
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:00,586
- And they just appeared.
- I mean, it was unbelievable.
80
00:03:00,588 --> 00:03:01,754
- It was, like,
- extraterrestrial.
81
00:03:01,756 --> 00:03:03,139
Look, I'm gonna write down,
82
00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,807
"one white male killed, jaywalking."
83
00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:06,259
Again, there was also a black woman.
84
00:03:06,261 --> 00:03:07,427
And they weren't jaywalking.
85
00:03:07,429 --> 00:03:10,096
They literally appeared out of the sky.
86
00:03:10,098 --> 00:03:11,431
Are you high?
87
00:03:14,436 --> 00:03:16,269
- Definitely jaywalking, yeah.
- They were jaywalking.
88
00:03:16,271 --> 00:03:18,321
We're done. Get out of here.
89
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,189
- God, okay.
- Okay, Jesus.
90
00:03:20,191 --> 00:03:23,326
[Siren wailing]
91
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,029
Whoa.
92
00:03:27,031 --> 00:03:29,082
Oh, my god.
93
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:30,083
Hey, hey! Oh, hey.
94
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,250
I found a clue!
95
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:32,618
- This is from the people.
- Evidence!
96
00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:33,669
I said get out of here!
97
00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:37,206
- Jesus!
- Jesus Christ.
98
00:03:37,208 --> 00:03:40,009
99
00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:41,461
Both: Whoa.
100
00:03:41,463 --> 00:03:44,630
[Funky music]
101
00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:53,306
102
00:03:53,308 --> 00:03:55,391
[Dramatic music]
103
00:03:55,393 --> 00:03:56,893
Looks like Chinese.
104
00:03:57,747 --> 00:04:00,029
I have an app that translates
languages in real time.
105
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,400
Look.
106
00:04:02,652 --> 00:04:03,817
Huh, "pencil case."
107
00:04:03,818 --> 00:04:05,651
It was supposed to say "destiny."
108
00:04:05,653 --> 00:04:08,037
I'm gonna kill that [Bleep] bitch.
109
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,238
Dude, just tell people
it says "destiny."
110
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,373
No one's gonna know.
111
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:11,374
It said "destiny" in the catalog.
112
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,742
You know what?
113
00:04:12,744 --> 00:04:14,160
Actually, why don't you
just get it removed?
114
00:04:14,162 --> 00:04:15,545
I'm just gonna tell people
it's "destiny."
115
00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:16,579
Why are you being aggressive?
116
00:04:16,581 --> 00:04:17,580
I just gave you that idea.
117
00:04:17,582 --> 00:04:18,831
It meant something to me.
118
00:04:18,833 --> 00:04:19,665
Well...
119
00:04:19,667 --> 00:04:20,800
And now it's meaningless.
120
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,772
No, it means "pencil case."
121
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:27,089
Okay, just look.
122
00:04:27,613 --> 00:04:30,511
"Time traveling bong."
123
00:04:35,350 --> 00:04:37,433
"Smoke once to travel.
124
00:04:37,435 --> 00:04:39,685
Smoke again to return."
125
00:04:39,687 --> 00:04:40,853
You don't think...
126
00:04:40,855 --> 00:04:43,406
That this bong we found on the street
127
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,274
is a functioning time machine?
128
00:04:45,276 --> 00:04:46,659
No, Jeff.
129
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,078
I'm an American citizen.
I'm not an idiot.
130
00:04:49,746 --> 00:04:50,926
We got to try it.
131
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,566
Sure, yeah, right.
132
00:04:53,568 --> 00:04:55,117
It's not real, so yeah, fine.
133
00:04:55,119 --> 00:04:56,169
- Great.
- That's fine.
134
00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:57,787
- Great.
- [Dog whimpers]
135
00:04:57,789 --> 00:05:00,373
You're gonna feel like
a real schmuck pussy
136
00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:01,674
if it doesn't work, so...
137
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,676
I'm not gonna feel like a schmuck pussy
138
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:06,179
if this doesn't make us time travel.
139
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,380
Fine. Go.
140
00:05:07,382 --> 00:05:15,555
141
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:19,859
[Whooshing]
142
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:27,783
143
00:05:33,074 --> 00:05:34,240
[Whooshing]
144
00:05:34,242 --> 00:05:35,291
- Oh.
- Ah!
145
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,492
Oh. Wow!
146
00:05:36,494 --> 00:05:37,910
[Both shouting]
147
00:05:37,912 --> 00:05:39,295
Oh, my god!
148
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:42,081
- What is this?
- Oh, oh, what is this shit?
149
00:05:42,083 --> 00:05:43,216
There's a footprint.
150
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,300
I think it's a dinosaur.
151
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,469
[Growling]
152
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:50,590
[Roars]
153
00:05:50,592 --> 00:05:51,891
[Both scream]
154
00:06:38,640 --> 00:05:57,200
[Roars]
155
00:05:57,225 --> 00:05:59,326
[Whooshing]
156
00:06:00,357 --> 00:06:02,309
Ah! Oh!
157
00:06:02,311 --> 00:06:03,818
[Both scream]
158
00:06:03,914 --> 00:06:04,946
- Oh, it's real.
- Oh, my god!
159
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:05,947
It's real.
160
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,165
- Oh, god.
- Oh!
161
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,666
- That was insane!
- Oh, my god.
162
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:09,667
I have to call Donnie.
163
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:10,869
What? No!
164
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:11,920
No, no, you can't call Donnie.
165
00:06:11,922 --> 00:06:13,288
He's just gonna call the FBI
166
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,789
so he can get a key to the city
or some shit.
167
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:18,676
We should call the FBI
or... or NASA or the police or...
168
00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,762
I don't know. We shouldn't have this.
169
00:06:20,764 --> 00:06:21,880
What are you doing?
170
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,465
Are you kidding? I'm going again.
171
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:26,518
Sharee, that was the coolest
12 seconds of our lives.
172
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,635
Sorry, Jeff.
173
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,804
I have a boyfriend, and I have a job.
174
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,139
What, you're not gonna time travel
175
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:34,442
because of your shift
at hertz rent-a-car?
176
00:06:34,444 --> 00:06:36,895
Sharee, we have to. Think about it.
177
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,781
Anything would be better
than the twenty-teens.
178
00:06:39,783 --> 00:06:40,899
We could go anywhere!
179
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,469
We could see... King tut, you know?
180
00:06:43,494 --> 00:06:44,652
I don't care!
181
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,654
We could have so much fun,
Sharee, like we used to have.
182
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,039
[Groans]
183
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,290
Listen, if you don't go, I'm gonna go,
184
00:06:49,292 --> 00:06:50,708
and then you're gonna miss out,
185
00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:52,794
like that time you blacked out
when you were at karaoke
186
00:06:52,796 --> 00:06:54,996
and Britney Spears came in
and they didn't wake you up.
187
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,297
Don't even bring that up.
188
00:06:56,299 --> 00:06:57,799
That is so dick of you to bring that up!
189
00:06:57,801 --> 00:07:00,288
I'm just saying,
you're gonna miss out big-time.
190
00:07:00,290 --> 00:07:01,165
[Bleep]!
191
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:03,838
And we can come right back, right?
192
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,006
Yes, we can come right back,
193
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,391
and it's as if no time has passed.
194
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:07,342
Okay, okay.
195
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,219
- Okay, I'm in.
- Yes! Yes!
196
00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:10,539
I'm in, as long as we come right back.
197
00:07:10,541 --> 00:07:11,346
Yes. I promise.
198
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,847
Maybe I'll call hertz rent-a-car first,
199
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:13,984
just let them know I'm not
coming in tomorrow.
200
00:07:13,963 --> 00:07:15,227
You're gonna be back before tomorrow.
201
00:07:15,252 --> 00:07:16,818
And even if you weren't,
who cares, Sharee?
202
00:07:16,820 --> 00:07:18,236
It's hertz rent-a-car.
203
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,238
It's gonna be really fun.
It's gonna be safe.
204
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,573
It's gonna be safe and chill.
205
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,627
Just first let me prepare.
206
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,193
Let me prepare.
207
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,111
[Breathes deeply]
208
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,948
[Hair straightener sizzling]
209
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,534
Ah.
210
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,202
Perfect.
211
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:39,841
Okay, so how does this work?
212
00:07:39,843 --> 00:07:41,944
Like, why'd we just go to Dino times?
213
00:07:43,179 --> 00:07:45,213
I saw "Jurassic world" last week.
214
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,798
It must have been on my mind. Oh.
215
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,267
You know, like,
in the folds of my brain?
216
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:52,887
Maybe if we visualize
where we want to go,
217
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,022
we'll go there.
218
00:07:54,024 --> 00:07:56,307
[Exhales forcefully] Oh, my god.
219
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,943
You know where I'd love to go?
220
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:00,061
Old Hollywood.
221
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:03,197
It is so glamorous.
222
00:08:03,199 --> 00:08:04,866
I feel like I'd fit right in.
223
00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:06,200
Sure.
224
00:08:06,202 --> 00:08:07,869
Okay, old Hollywood.
225
00:08:07,871 --> 00:08:09,237
Both: Old Hollywood.
226
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,239
- Old Hollywood.
- Old Hollywood.
227
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:12,457
- Old...
- Old Hollywood.
228
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:13,458
Old Hollywood.
229
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:16,578
[Whooshing]
230
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:20,748
[Mystical music]
231
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,000
[Dog whines]
232
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,469
[Whooshing]
233
00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:28,172
Whoa.
234
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,675
[Dramatic music]
235
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,678
[People murmuring]
236
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:41,603
237
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:53,831
Ew. This isn't old Hollywood.
238
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:56,200
Witch! Witchcraft!
239
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,368
No, no, no, no, no!
240
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,837
[With foreign accent] Good... good sire,
241
00:08:59,839 --> 00:09:01,456
we're from the future.
242
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,041
You're a lying witch!
243
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,092
- Yeah!
- Yes!
244
00:09:04,094 --> 00:09:05,843
No, no! No, we're not.
245
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:06,844
I can prove it.
246
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:08,129
We're from 2016.
247
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,182
[Hip-hop music playing]
248
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,384
A trick most satanic!
249
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,185
250
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,471
- Hey! Come on!
- Ooh!
251
00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:19,273
Jesus! That was a new phone!
252
00:09:19,275 --> 00:09:21,225
That filthy witch has a tiny cauldron.
253
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,644
- No!
- Burly man!
254
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:23,895
Let's go. Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
255
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:24,862
Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
256
00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:26,864
No! No!
257
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:28,032
[Glass shatters]
258
00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:29,200
Both: No!
259
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,319
- No! God, no!
- Oh, god! Oh!
260
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,204
- Burn the witch!
- Oh, my g...
261
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,489
Hey, hey, what are you doing?
262
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:35,957
What are you doing? Stop!
263
00:09:35,959 --> 00:09:38,743
Taking her away from you,
handsome stranger.
264
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,295
I'm his cousin.
We just came here together.
265
00:09:41,297 --> 00:09:43,548
Quiet, you crinkum-crankum,
266
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:44,882
you fat witch.
267
00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:47,051
I'm not a witch.
If I'm a witch, he's a witch.
268
00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:48,219
[Crowd gasps]
269
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,837
Tell them, Jeff. Come on.
270
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,590
Does she speak the truth, sir?
271
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,843
Are you also the vicar of Satan?
272
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,478
[Ominous music]
273
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:58,896
Nope, she's the witch, not me.
274
00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:00,682
- What?
- Good enough for me.
275
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:02,183
Jeff, you [Bleep]...
276
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,102
[Muffled screaming]
277
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:07,855
Take her to reverend hale.
278
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,023
All: Aye!
279
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,526
- Burly man!
- [Muffled grunting]
280
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,744
Aye!
281
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:15,780
[Muffled screaming]
282
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,448
I'm sorry.
283
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,536
What is your name, good sir?
284
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:22,370
Jeff.
285
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,372
What strange garb you wear.
286
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:26,007
From where do you hail?
287
00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:27,542
Uh, Jersey?
288
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:31,713
Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey.
289
00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:33,014
Sure.
290
00:10:33,016 --> 00:10:37,385
Welcome to Salem,
the Pearl of Massachusetts.
291
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,020
Wait, this is Massachusetts?
292
00:10:39,022 --> 00:10:41,222
Has anyone seen my [Bleep] Pete?
293
00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:44,399
Ooh. Definitely Massachusetts.
294
00:10:44,401 --> 00:10:45,558
Yeah.
295
00:10:46,029 --> 00:10:47,445
[Sighs]
296
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:48,529
Oh, god.
297
00:10:48,531 --> 00:10:50,114
Is everything all right, sir Jeff?
298
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:51,315
Ugh, no.
299
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,067
This wasn't the witch's cauldron.
300
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,570
It was my pipe... My vase-pipe.
301
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,705
You could bring it to the glassblower
302
00:10:57,707 --> 00:10:59,991
to have it fixed, sir Jeff.
303
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,576
Silence, woman!
304
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,044
Ooh, Jesus.
305
00:11:03,046 --> 00:11:04,973
I have an idea.
306
00:11:05,715 --> 00:11:07,632
You could bring it to the glassblower
307
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,634
to have it fixed, sir Jeff.
308
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,419
Wait, you guys have a glassblower here?
309
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,804
Ah, that's dope!
310
00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:13,921
"Dope"?
311
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,057
Oh, um, of course you don't understand.
312
00:11:16,059 --> 00:11:17,308
"Dope" is like "good,"
313
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,093
you know, "chill," "all chill"?
314
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,678
It's good. It's great.
315
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,729
Chill.
316
00:11:21,731 --> 00:11:22,513
Yeah.
317
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,566
Well. Dope.
318
00:11:25,568 --> 00:11:26,601
[Muffled screaming]
319
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:28,986
And so we brought her to you.
320
00:11:28,988 --> 00:11:32,106
[Muffled screaming]
321
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:36,327
Jesus!
322
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,528
She's lain with Satan!
323
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,363
Forsooth, the balls of beelzebub
324
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:40,782
have bounced upon her chin.
325
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:43,334
- What?
- Silence!
326
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,419
If witchcraft has come to Salem,
327
00:11:45,421 --> 00:11:47,338
we will stamp it out.
328
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,457
But we must not be hysterical.
329
00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:54,045
We must investigate the accused
with scientific tests.
330
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,513
Oh, thank god.
331
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:58,683
Someone reasonable with logic
and... and science.
332
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:00,134
[Screams]
333
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,302
Oh, god!
334
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:02,303
- Ow! God!
- Hmm.
335
00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,471
Ow, ow, ow!
336
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,389
- She bleeds.
- Ow, my tit!
337
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,308
'Tis a human quality.
338
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,477
We must continue the tests.
339
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:12,480
If she survives, then she is a witch.
340
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:15,233
If she dies, then she wasn't.
341
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,118
Oh, [Bleep]...
342
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,202
All: Aye!
343
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:19,987
[Muffled] Oh, my god.
344
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:23,658
345
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,493
So water goes in here, tobacco here.
346
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:26,661
You suck out of here...
347
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,080
This will be a quickie blow job for me.
348
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,164
[Laughs] Great.
349
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:31,332
Thank you so much.
350
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,084
Should I wait here, or should I...
351
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,218
Not probably.
352
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:35,503
First I'll have to gather
353
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:38,172
some dried kindling to start the fire.
354
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:41,509
And then I'll have to travel
to Brewster to get the coal,
355
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:44,428
which could take almost half a day.
356
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,931
Then I'll have to stoke
the fritter furnace.
357
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,015
Okay, um...
358
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,151
Then Thursday I have a thing.
359
00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:51,819
[Goat bleats]
360
00:12:51,821 --> 00:12:52,854
Sorry.
361
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,739
We have a thing.
362
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:55,857
Okay, well, then...
363
00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:56,824
Let me finish!
364
00:12:56,826 --> 00:12:58,025
Gotcha.
365
00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:59,827
The whole thing could take
almost half a fortnight,
366
00:12:59,829 --> 00:13:02,613
but it will be done...
367
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,115
[Glass shatters] Oh.
368
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,116
Expertly.
369
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,112
You know what?
370
00:13:06,114 --> 00:13:08,286
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
which is trust you.
371
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,871
You have amazing teeth.
372
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,205
Two rounds of braces.
373
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:12,206
What?
374
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,624
Um, metal things
375
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,792
you put on your teeth
to make them straight.
376
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,010
- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.
377
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:16,786
All right, well...
378
00:13:16,788 --> 00:13:18,466
Oh, could you tell me
where they took my cousin,
379
00:13:18,468 --> 00:13:19,680
you know, that witch?
380
00:13:19,682 --> 00:13:21,048
Don't worry about her.
381
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:24,101
If I were you, I'd go to town,
have some fun.
382
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:25,770
She's in good hands.
383
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,271
[Screaming]
384
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:29,056
- Dunk her again!
- Oh, god!
385
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,975
[Screaming]
386
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:34,061
[Sprightly bagpipe music]
387
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:38,199
388
00:13:38,201 --> 00:13:40,234
Oh, god! Oh!
389
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,236
Oh! Oh, god!
390
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:45,072
Oh, god!
391
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:49,911
392
00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:54,165
[Laughter]
393
00:13:54,167 --> 00:14:01,055
394
00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,924
[Laughter]
395
00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:03,925
Oh!
396
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,092
Scat, ye devils!
397
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,427
Leave the witch alone!
398
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:09,597
[Screaming]
399
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,935
Girls, help. Please help me.
400
00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:14,936
Girl power.
401
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:16,070
Hi, witch.
402
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:17,605
Gonna help me?
Gonna help me out? Come on.
403
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:18,773
As a matter of fact,
404
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,942
we were hoping you could help us.
405
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:22,193
Huh?
406
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,078
We have our hearts set
on some of the men in town.
407
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,279
And we are hoping you could
408
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,948
put a spell on them
so they would love us.
409
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,783
And also fix my back.
410
00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:30,501
But if you can only do one thing,
411
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:31,702
definitely the men one.
412
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,287
God, I'm not a witch!
413
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,622
If I was, don't you think
414
00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:36,958
I'd [Bleep] Fly out of your shitty town?
415
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,510
Also, why would you want
to be with these guys?
416
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,262
They're disgusting.
417
00:14:41,264 --> 00:14:43,597
They [Bleep] stink... Their breath.
418
00:14:43,599 --> 00:14:46,267
God, when do you get toothpaste?
419
00:14:46,269 --> 00:14:49,053
So you can't fix my back?
420
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,772
What are you girls doing
near the fat witch?
421
00:14:51,774 --> 00:14:54,475
Um, we're beating her, sir.
422
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:57,895
Good! Put your back into it, ladies.
423
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,397
Please, no. Come on, dude.
424
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,032
- Sorry, witch.
- Sorry, witch.
425
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,316
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
426
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,819
[Wolf howls]
427
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,204
Dee, diddle-diddle-diddle.
428
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:09,040
Oh-ho, there she is!
429
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,074
Whoo!
430
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,492
Sharee!
431
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,244
Sharee, it's me, Jeff.
432
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,462
How are you, bae?
433
00:15:14,464 --> 00:15:15,546
Oh, gosh!
434
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:17,081
God, I'm glad to see you.
435
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,166
Dude, we did it.
436
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,751
We time traveled.
437
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,837
We're in the 1400s.
438
00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:25,923
It's 1691, sir Jeff!
439
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,425
Elias! [Laughs]
440
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,509
Sir Jeff!
441
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:29,677
[Moans]
442
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:32,563
God, the people here are so friendly.
443
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:33,931
Am I right? Look at this.
444
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,017
They gave me this cravat and this vest.
445
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:37,018
[Moans]
446
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,185
I look good, right?
447
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:39,854
I got a confession, Sharee.
448
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,572
I love it here.
449
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:42,573
Right? [Moans]
450
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:44,408
Yes, high five.
451
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,494
[Sighs] I'm so glad we did this.
452
00:15:46,496 --> 00:15:47,695
You know what?
453
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,363
Thank you for doing this with me.
454
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:52,033
I'm glad we're finally having
fun again together, you know?
455
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:53,284
Oh, and, dude, the food...
456
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,452
Have you had any of this Turkey?
457
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,287
Do you want some of this?
458
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,539
Oh! Oh, Jesus, Sharee!
459
00:15:58,541 --> 00:15:59,540
Dude, I didn't know it was this bad.
460
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:00,708
I'm so sorry.
461
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:01,709
We're gonna get out of here, okay?
462
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:02,877
There's a glassblower,
463
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,128
and I'm gonna get the bong fixed.
464
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,846
I think he's gonna do an amazing job.
465
00:16:05,848 --> 00:16:07,548
Oh, Sharee, you're really bleeding.
466
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,850
You know I get faint if I see bloo...
467
00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:14,055
[Panting]
468
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:15,306
[Groans]
469
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,224
[Dramatic music]
470
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,642
[Bell tolls]
471
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,944
[Bell ringing]
472
00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:23,481
Witness the trial of a filthy witch!
473
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,900
Witness the trial of a filthy witch!
474
00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:27,284
Witch trial? Sharee...
475
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:28,486
[Bleep]!
476
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,956
Witness the trial of a filthy witch!
477
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:36,460
Witness the trial of a filthy witch!
478
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:37,795
Shit.
479
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:43,675
[Crowd murmuring]
480
00:16:43,677 --> 00:16:45,176
You know, it really feels like
481
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,212
you've made your decision already.
482
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:48,546
[Gavel pounding]
483
00:16:48,548 --> 00:16:49,798
Order!
484
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:54,352
The smelly wench has survived
many of our tests,
485
00:16:54,354 --> 00:16:57,856
which only a witch could survive.
486
00:16:57,858 --> 00:17:00,692
But we have decided
487
00:17:00,694 --> 00:17:03,674
we want to hear witness testimony.
488
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:06,448
Who here has been afflicted?
489
00:17:06,450 --> 00:17:08,341
- [Crowd murmurs]
- Ah!
490
00:17:08,971 --> 00:17:10,452
- Line up!
- Oh, [Bleep] You.
491
00:17:10,454 --> 00:17:12,821
- Nice and neat.
- [Bleep] You.
492
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,903
I want to see a clean line.
493
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:16,491
[Bleep] You.
494
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:19,711
[Dramatic music]
495
00:17:19,713 --> 00:17:21,212
496
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:22,213
I need my...
497
00:17:22,215 --> 00:17:23,415
Sir Jeff.
498
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:24,582
I think you'll be very happy with me.
499
00:17:24,584 --> 00:17:26,334
Oh, yes, thank you.
500
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:28,336
[Goat bleats]
501
00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:29,587
What the [Bleep] is that?
502
00:17:29,589 --> 00:17:32,223
Why, it's your vase-pipe, sir Jeff.
503
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:33,591
Looks like shit.
504
00:17:33,593 --> 00:17:35,343
This looks like shit!
505
00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:36,594
What did you do?
506
00:17:36,596 --> 00:17:38,096
Oh, god!
507
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:40,565
You... [bleep] You!
508
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:41,683
[Spits]
509
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:42,984
Oh!
510
00:17:42,986 --> 00:17:44,102
[Goat bleats]
511
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:46,321
When erect, my eavesdropper
512
00:17:46,323 --> 00:17:49,135
once scored the length
of two barleycorn.
513
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:53,862
Now 'tis but five poppy seeds,
all lined up.
514
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:55,029
Ooh.
515
00:17:55,031 --> 00:17:56,581
I blame the witch.
516
00:17:56,583 --> 00:17:57,782
This is not about me.
517
00:17:57,784 --> 00:18:00,919
Thank you for your testimony, Ezekiel.
518
00:18:00,921 --> 00:18:02,921
You are dismissed.
519
00:18:06,405 --> 00:18:10,088
I would like to call
our final witness...
520
00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:13,965
Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey!
521
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,935
[Crowd cheering]
522
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:25,360
Thanks.
523
00:18:25,362 --> 00:18:29,030
[Crowd cheering]
524
00:18:29,032 --> 00:18:30,315
We just wanted to say...
525
00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:31,616
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
526
00:18:31,618 --> 00:18:35,537
That having you here has been so tight.
527
00:18:35,539 --> 00:18:40,408
As such, we have named our main roadway
528
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,076
Jeff street.
529
00:18:42,078 --> 00:18:45,213
[Crowd cheering]
530
00:18:48,468 --> 00:18:50,435
I have made my decision.
531
00:18:51,838 --> 00:18:53,087
I hereby find...
532
00:18:53,089 --> 00:18:54,506
Don't I... don't I even get the chance
533
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:55,723
to defend myself?
534
00:18:55,725 --> 00:18:57,725
Of course not.
535
00:18:57,727 --> 00:18:59,227
Hold on, guys. Wait, wait, wait.
536
00:18:59,229 --> 00:19:01,763
I think she should at least be
able to defend herself, right?
537
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,181
Okay.
538
00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:04,983
- [Gavel banging]
- I have an idea.
539
00:19:04,985 --> 00:19:07,485
I think she should be at least able
540
00:19:07,487 --> 00:19:09,270
to defend herself, right?
541
00:19:09,272 --> 00:19:10,655
Okay.
542
00:19:10,657 --> 00:19:12,156
Well...
543
00:19:12,158 --> 00:19:13,908
I'd like to read a statement
that I've written.
544
00:19:13,910 --> 00:19:14,909
[Crowd gasps]
545
00:19:14,911 --> 00:19:18,580
A woman who can read and write!
546
00:19:18,582 --> 00:19:20,198
There's the proof.
547
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,833
Burn the witch!
548
00:19:21,835 --> 00:19:23,167
No, no, no, wait!
549
00:19:23,169 --> 00:19:24,536
Wait! Stop! Sharee!
550
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:28,206
[Crowd clamoring]
551
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:29,457
[Dramatic music]
552
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,376
[Hissing]
553
00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:33,511
[Muffled screaming]
554
00:19:33,513 --> 00:19:36,598
I put to death this witch.
555
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,268
May this be a message to Satan.
556
00:19:40,270 --> 00:19:42,887
We reject ye!
557
00:19:42,889 --> 00:19:43,888
[Crowd cheers]
558
00:19:43,890 --> 00:19:45,607
Wait, wait, wait.
559
00:19:45,609 --> 00:19:47,725
I was the first afflicted.
560
00:19:47,727 --> 00:19:50,194
I want to set the witch aflame.
561
00:19:50,196 --> 00:19:52,313
Okay, cool.
562
00:19:52,315 --> 00:19:54,065
Yeah, cool.
563
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,066
[Muffled screaming]
564
00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:56,367
Uh... [Clears throat]
565
00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:59,287
Here goes the witch.
566
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:02,874
[Whooshing]
567
00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:07,045
[All screaming]
568
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:13,918
Witchcraft is real!
569
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,670
Burn all the women!
570
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,422
[Women screaming]
571
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,390
Keep one for birthing!
572
00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:22,477
[Women screaming]
573
00:20:25,515 --> 00:20:26,514
[Whooshing]
574
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:27,515
[Both grunting]
575
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,017
- Oh, god!
- Ow!
576
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,068
I saved you!
577
00:20:30,070 --> 00:20:32,403
You almost got me killed, you asshole.
578
00:20:32,405 --> 00:20:33,404
God.
579
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,106
I found your phone.
580
00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:36,324
I forgive you.
581
00:20:36,326 --> 00:20:38,076
No service.
582
00:20:38,078 --> 00:20:39,110
Where are we?
583
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,278
[Bird screeches]
584
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,030
We're... we're not home.
585
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,865
This is not home.
586
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:44,916
[Bleep]!
587
00:20:44,918 --> 00:20:46,284
That glassblower
must have messed up the bong
588
00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,335
when he blew it.
589
00:20:47,337 --> 00:20:48,953
Ugh. This is not my fault.
590
00:20:48,955 --> 00:20:51,706
It is your fault.
You said we'd smoke right back.
591
00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:52,757
So now what, the structural integrity
592
00:20:52,759 --> 00:20:54,125
of the bong has changed,
593
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:55,627
so we can't get home
and we have no ability
594
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,178
to control where we go,
forcing us to bounce
595
00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:59,631
around the space-time continuum
indefinitely?
596
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:01,766
I don't know.
597
00:21:01,768 --> 00:21:02,656
- [Ground rustling]
- [Both gasp]
598
00:21:02,681 --> 00:21:03,431
[Both grunting]
599
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,501
- Cavemen.
- Holy shit.
600
00:21:06,806 --> 00:21:08,272
Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
601
00:21:08,274 --> 00:21:09,524
Okay, okay.
602
00:21:09,526 --> 00:21:10,642
[Bleep], it's cashed.
603
00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:11,486
Didn't you bring more weed?
604
00:21:11,488 --> 00:21:13,144
No, I thought we'd be right back.
605
00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:15,313
[Both grunting]
606
00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:16,981
Lie down. Pretend you're dead.
607
00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:21,903
[Both grunting]
608
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:23,404
[Hooting]
609
00:21:23,406 --> 00:21:24,656
[Grunting]
610
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,742
[Both sniffing]
611
00:21:30,630 --> 00:21:33,798
[Dramatic music]
612
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:39,170
613
00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:41,506
Oh! Oh! Oh!
614
00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:42,507
I'm peeing!
615
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:43,808
Me too!
616
00:21:43,810 --> 00:21:45,760
617
00:21:46,076 --> 00:21:50,445
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
618
00:21:50,495 --> 00:21:55,045
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