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Til Death
Season O2 Episode 10
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Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
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I need a four letter word for �baby horse�
4
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But when I put I �pony�,
five down becomes �canpo�
5
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:30,380
Well, perhaps it�s because a baby horse is called a �foal�.
6
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A �pony� is not a baby horse.
7
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What the hell are you telling me here?
8
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A foal grows into a horse
9
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and a pony grows into a weird old little grandpa pony.
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Got it?
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I�m calling the zoo.
12
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Come in.
13
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:56,710
Hey, Eddie!
14
00:00:57,050 --> 00:01:00,530
Hello, Joy. I wonder if you guys have
a pair of binoculars we could borrow?
15
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Yeah, top drawer near the blender.
16
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,790
We�re taking little David down here to the Jersey shore.
17
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He�s actually never seen the ocean.
18
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How are you, pal?
19
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:12,790
We�ve signed up for the Big Brother
and Big Sister programs. For every Saturday together.
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Yeah, the thing is we really blast.
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Jeff�s got a really good job, I�m really cute.
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It�s just some way to give back.
23
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Is this Chardonnay in this juice glass?
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I think I�ve just invented something.
25
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All right, well, have a great day.
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Ok, take care, bye.
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Are we terrible people?
28
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,390
Joy, we�ve talked about this before.
29
00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:43,260
We�re not the only people who
subscribed to that channel.
30
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That is not what I am talking about.
31
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Look at them, they are actually giving back.
They care about something.
32
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- We care about stuff.
- Yeah? What do we care about?
33
00:02:06,110 --> 00:02:07,780
Care...
34
00:02:11,730 --> 00:02:13,240
No, I don�t care about that�
35
00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:17,110
How about voluntary?
We�ve got lots of time in our hands.
36
00:02:17,110 --> 00:02:21,180
Well, that�s true, maybe if we got out of our own little world
and actually did something for someone,
37
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that might feel good.
38
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Yeah. But what should we do?
39
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Do�
40
00:02:32,710 --> 00:02:33,620
I did it, Joy.
41
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:35,660
I signed up to be a Big Brother.
42
00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:36,850
Really?
43
00:02:36,850 --> 00:02:40,620
Yeah, and they already matched me up
with a youngster, Kenneth Westchester.
44
00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:42,500
Doesn�t sound black.
45
00:02:43,570 --> 00:02:44,916
To be honest, I�m a little disappointed.
46
00:02:44,917 --> 00:02:47,610
I mean, if he�s white, I might as
well be hanging out with my nephew.
47
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:51,490
So, what you�re gonna do to give back?
48
00:02:51,490 --> 00:02:53,930
Huh? Oh, nothing. I�m over it.
49
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,510
Joy, you�ve gotta do something,
I�ve just made a one year commitment here.
50
00:02:59,510 --> 00:03:05,030
Well, I was going to and then I started thinking:
�What could I do for other people?�
51
00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:06,570
And then I found my bead-kit.
52
00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:10,730
19 minutes later: look who made a belly-chain.
53
00:03:12,910 --> 00:03:14,560
I will miss you in heaven.
54
00:03:24,229 --> 00:03:24,999
Who is it?
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00:03:26,630 --> 00:03:29,010
Hi, I�m�
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00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,460
I�m Eddie Stark,
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00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:35,130
I�m here to meet Kenny Westchester.
Is he available?
58
00:03:38,580 --> 00:03:39,610
Ok, Chesty.
59
00:03:43,010 --> 00:03:44,370
You�re Kenneth Westchester,
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00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:49,300
favorite hobby Coleco vision,
favorite TV show Webster?
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00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:52,550
That sounds like Kenny Chester to me.
62
00:03:53,990 --> 00:03:58,540
Ah, well. Must be some kind of mixup, Mr. Chesty.
63
00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:00,620
I�m from the Big Brother program
64
00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:06,980
and they told me that you signed up to be a Little Brother,
but I can see that you have a moustache, so�
65
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,400
Wait a minute, my Mom did sign me for
the Big Brother program like 25 years ago.
66
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:14,460
But I never got one.
67
00:04:14,910 --> 00:04:18,420
I guess your name was still bouncing
around in the system and they
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00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,140
matched us up, because I�
I like Webster too.
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00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:27,240
- That was crazy.
- Yeah.
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00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,180
I thought you might have been some guy
my ex-wife sent off to get my dog.
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00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:31,190
Oh, no.
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00:04:31,470 --> 00:04:34,170
Wouldn�t you say that I�m fit
to take care of my own damn dog?
73
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:38,930
I�m gonna tell you something, if loving this dog with
all my heart is wrong, I don�t wanna be right.
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00:04:40,730 --> 00:04:42,370
I bet your dog is terrific.
75
00:04:43,510 --> 00:04:45,060
How do you know my dog is terrific?
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00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:47,522
Wait a minute.
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00:04:48,003 --> 00:04:48,706
You�re here for my dog!
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00:04:49,307 --> 00:04:51,210
Beyonce, run, Beyonce, go!
79
00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:56,590
No, just, no, listen.
I�m not here for your dog at all.
80
00:04:56,590 --> 00:05:00,220
You know what? It sounds like you�ve got
a lot on your plate, Mr. Chesty.
81
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:05,790
Let me ask you, what is
the safest way back to the highway?
82
00:05:07,670 --> 00:05:09,050
Yeah, you probably wanna go.
83
00:05:09,050 --> 00:05:11,930
But I�m gonna tell you one thing, man,
I appreciate you�ve come over here, man.
84
00:05:11,930 --> 00:05:14,840
You�re 25 years too late,
but at least you showed up.
85
00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:18,740
You�re a good man. Give me some of that.
86
00:05:18,740 --> 00:05:20,940
- Come on, give me that.
- Ok.
87
00:05:32,910 --> 00:05:33,890
That�s funny, right?
88
00:05:34,690 --> 00:05:35,460
It is a little.
89
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,760
You get over here and
you get a 38-year old Little Brother.
90
00:05:41,290 --> 00:05:45,970
That is funny, to think I was actually
gonna take you roller-skating.
91
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:47,550
I like roller-skating.
92
00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:49,770
What�s wrong?
93
00:06:49,770 --> 00:06:53,990
What�s wrong is that I wear a size 16 skates
and the largest I had was 9 and a half.
94
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,360
You gotta relax. Give me your hands.
Let�s play tide-boat.
95
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:01,970
Easy.
96
00:07:01,970 --> 00:07:05,500
What�s going on here? Twist the hips.
97
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:08,670
Open it up, yeah, like that, open it up.
98
00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:10,670
Yeah, roll on, shaker
99
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,270
don�t look down, look at me, look at me.
100
00:07:13,270 --> 00:07:18,060
I�m sorry, just� I�m a very poor athlete,
I was got made fun of as a kid.
101
00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:21,350
No one could believe that I�m
this tall and bad at basketball.
102
00:07:21,350 --> 00:07:24,380
What? They couldn�t believe I was
this black and bad at basketball.
103
00:07:24,380 --> 00:07:25,460
- You shut up!
- You shut up!
104
00:07:26,050 --> 00:07:28,200
- That black and�
- Yeah!
105
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,060
- Is that crazy?
- It is crazy.
106
00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:32,100
�All right, fellas, grab that special lady,
107
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:35,940
we�re gonna slow things down now,
we have couples here...�
108
00:07:48,330 --> 00:07:50,380
- Uh� we should probably�
- Get back, ok, get back.
109
00:07:58,430 --> 00:08:04,150
Also let me get a funnel cake,
3 feed of liquid syrup and a jello.
110
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,080
And a beer.
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14,95.
112
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:13,670
What?
113
00:08:13,670 --> 00:08:16,710
You�re the Big Brother. Peel off cabbage.
114
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:23,860
- Ooh, yeah, now you start to get it, that�s what I talked about.
- This is good, this is actually kind of fun.
115
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- Step it up now, step it up.
- Yeah, all right.
116
00:08:26,644 --> 00:08:30,000
- Get it two, come on, come on.
- This feel better.
117
00:08:30,001 --> 00:08:31,001
- Come on, turn around...
- I'm so...
118
00:08:35,260 --> 00:08:39,160
Oh, my God. That giant old man totally failed.
119
00:08:40,890 --> 00:08:42,720
I know you�re not talking about my Big Brother right here.
120
00:08:43,140 --> 00:08:45,550
�Cos if you are, I�m gonna
take that big devil cellphone
121
00:08:45,550 --> 00:08:48,100
and throw it through the windshield
of your white Jetta.
122
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,700
And that goes for you too, Shoshana.
123
00:08:54,870 --> 00:08:57,500
Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
124
00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:01,420
There�s no saying, you�re crawling over to the carpeted area.
125
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:12,040
All I know is, it�s a teeny-tiny horse.
126
00:09:17,370 --> 00:09:18,710
Well, this is me.
127
00:09:18,710 --> 00:09:23,774
Ok, well, I � I guess I�ll
call the Big Brother people
128
00:09:23,775 --> 00:09:27,150
and let them know that you�re a� a man.
129
00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:32,220
Oh, oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
I was gonna do it, but� you know�
130
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,740
If you wanna be the one
to do it, that�s cool. You could do it.
131
00:09:35,740 --> 00:09:42,780
Either way we should clear this whole thing up.
�Cos today was certainly not magical.
132
00:09:45,870 --> 00:09:49,140
Ok, well� give my best to Bouncy.
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00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:49,990
Beyonce.
134
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,230
Beyonce... right.
135
00:09:52,331 --> 00:09:53,961
- All right.
- Ok.
136
00:09:54,310 --> 00:09:56,540
- Take care.
- You too.
137
00:09:56,870 --> 00:09:58,320
Just say �no� to drugs.
138
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,650
You say �no� to drugs too.
139
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:06,040
One nice white man.
140
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:27,170
Stop it, get off me! Stop it!
141
00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:35,670
Joy, you gotta hear this,
my little brother was actually�
142
00:10:51,020 --> 00:10:53,350
Do I not give you what you need?
143
00:10:57,330 --> 00:10:59,350
Is that 3 speeds?
144
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:13,180
Actually, I ran at this thing, �cos I wanna get cleaned up around here
145
00:11:13,180 --> 00:11:17,480
Because guess what?
Thursday night we are hosting a jewelry party.
146
00:11:18,230 --> 00:11:20,490
I invited the girls to sell them
some of my stuff.
147
00:11:20,490 --> 00:11:21,820
So here�s what I need for you to do:
148
00:11:21,821 --> 00:11:24,610
I need for you to clean up
the garage for my staging area,
149
00:11:24,610 --> 00:11:28,520
then put a nice clean pair of slacks on,
bartend for the party and basically just be there for me
150
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,850
because I�m a little bit nervous, ok?
So, Thursday, got it?
151
00:11:31,530 --> 00:11:33,480
Thursday...
152
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:38,500
This hurts. This one hurts, but I�
153
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:40,630
I cannot make that.
154
00:11:42,780 --> 00:11:43,650
Why not?
155
00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:46,470
My little brother needs me.
156
00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:49,643
But� You really can�t be here?
157
00:11:49,644 --> 00:11:51,770
I mean, I thought this Big
Brother thing was only Saturdays.
158
00:11:51,770 --> 00:11:56,050
Joy, it�s gonna take more than
just Saturdays to fix this kid.
159
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,740
He�s broken, Joy.
He�s broke bad.
160
00:12:04,970 --> 00:12:06,100
Well, what are you gonna do with him?
161
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:12,560
We�re gonna do a tour at corn dog factory.
162
00:12:14,390 --> 00:12:15,200
At night?
163
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,090
It�s a twilight tour, Joy.
164
00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:21,070
Ok? They.. They�they take the kids
165
00:12:21,070 --> 00:12:23,035
and they.. They�they show
them the whole process,
166
00:12:23,036 --> 00:12:27,000
all 9 steps from naked
weener to crunchy wonder.
167
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,110
I need you here for my party.
168
00:12:31,110 --> 00:12:32,187
Joy, Joy�
169
00:12:33,988 --> 00:12:35,420
Honey, listen to me.
170
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:43,830
I know that your sparkly homemade
lady trinkets are important to you.
171
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:47,030
But I touched that boy today and he touched me.
172
00:12:47,790 --> 00:12:51,150
Not in a weird show-me-on-the-dolly way.
173
00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:56,330
Do not look at me like that.
You�re the one dating a vacuum cleaner.
174
00:13:05,331 --> 00:13:06,001
Who is it?
175
00:13:10,270 --> 00:13:12,380
- Big Bro!
- Hey, man, how are you?
176
00:13:17,310 --> 00:13:20,620
I just wanted to tell you that
I had a great time the other day.
177
00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:23,450
And I was wondering maybe you would like to�
178
00:13:23,450 --> 00:13:25,320
The answer is �yes�!
179
00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:29,414
I was hoping you would come
back, I just didn�t say anything.
180
00:13:29,415 --> 00:13:30,950
Everybody needs a big brother, right?
181
00:13:30,950 --> 00:13:33,490
Just �cause I�m a big man, doesn�t mean I don�t need a big brother.
182
00:13:33,490 --> 00:13:36,200
What? Billy Baldwin
doesn�t need Alec Baldwin?
183
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,450
No. Well, of course, he does.
184
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,160
You damn right he does.
185
00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:46,400
Well, then allow me to be your Alec Baldwin.
186
00:13:48,430 --> 00:13:50,180
- I will like that very much.
- Oh, yeah?
187
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:53,500
Oh, this is wonderful.
188
00:13:54,990 --> 00:13:56,550
So what am I getting into?
189
00:13:56,550 --> 00:14:01,520
Well, I thought maybe we would go check out
the Boat Show at the Convention center.
190
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,540
How about we get some potato skins
and see some naked ladies?
191
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:08,770
It�s your day.
192
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,550
Hey, do you guys know,
everything on this table is 20% off?
193
00:14:20,870 --> 00:14:22,520
20% off of what?
194
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:25,070
Of the price Joy made up in her head.
195
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:28,930
- All right, we�ve got to get going, Joy.
- What� why?
196
00:14:28,930 --> 00:14:33,590
Because, it just seems like you invited us
over so you could sell us stuff.
197
00:14:33,590 --> 00:14:36,037
No, no, no. I just thought it would be
198
00:14:36,038 --> 00:14:39,780
fun to have, you know, some of the gang
over to have some afterwork drinks
199
00:14:39,790 --> 00:14:44,950
and then� and then Steff practically
begged me to bring out the necklaces.
200
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:50,020
So I just slapped some price tags on
and then whipped up for credit card machine.
201
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,480
This was really inappropriate.
202
00:14:54,490 --> 00:14:55,680
You know what�s inappropriate?
203
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,500
How much humus you ate tonight.
204
00:14:58,210 --> 00:15:04,280
Hey, hello, ladies, looking lovely,
looking thinner, looking younger. Ah?
205
00:15:04,420 --> 00:15:06,210
Check your wife, dude, she�s a mess.
206
00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:14,150
Awkward �Force your friends
to buy crappy jewelry� night.
207
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:17,850
Yeah, it�s a total disaster.
208
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:22,620
I mean� I was doing something selfish and stupid
and you were out there really giving back.
209
00:15:28,150 --> 00:15:30,270
Guess you�re just a better person than I am.
210
00:15:30,270 --> 00:15:35,650
Well, who�s better, who�s not better�
The point is - I�m better.
211
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,160
How was the corn dog factory?
212
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,270
Well, we�ll know in about 30 minutes.
213
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,670
- Hello.
- Hey, you must be Joy.
214
00:15:56,070 --> 00:15:57,240
And you are�?
215
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,110
I�m Kenny, Eddie�s little brother.
216
00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:05,360
This is little Kenny?
217
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,390
What?
218
00:16:07,930 --> 00:16:09,780
This is little Kenny?!
219
00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:12,390
What?
220
00:16:14,690 --> 00:16:15,860
He didn�t tell you about me?
221
00:16:15,860 --> 00:16:20,550
Oh, no, no, he did. He just�
he forgot to mention the fact that you are�
222
00:16:20,550 --> 00:16:21,690
Drop dead gorgeous?
223
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,570
No, 40.
224
00:16:26,460 --> 00:16:30,220
It�s really a big mixup in the system,
but I�ll tell you one thing: we have been having a blast.
225
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:32,560
Yeah, I bet you have been.
226
00:16:32,660 --> 00:16:35,190
Where did you go tonight, huh?
Where did he take you?
227
00:16:35,190 --> 00:16:38,340
- Actually we went to a�
- Corn dog factory.
228
00:16:39,070 --> 00:16:41,650
Corn dog� corn dog factory?
229
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,500
What the hell are these?
230
00:16:44,620 --> 00:16:47,110
�Uncle Bosom�s Bosom Bucks�.
231
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,110
Huh, isn�t that a strip club near the airport?
232
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,330
No.
233
00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:55,510
It�s by the bus station.
234
00:16:58,860 --> 00:17:01,270
Sorry, man, that was in my car on the floor.
235
00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:06,570
I figured I�d bring it back to you, brother, but�
I must suspect that might have be a poor decision.
236
00:17:12,530 --> 00:17:15,970
Bravo, Eddie. You are a true hero.
237
00:17:15,970 --> 00:17:20,870
And all this time you have been giving me crap about something that I actually enjoyed doing,
238
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:24,730
while you�re out using this guy and going to strip clubs.
239
00:17:25,750 --> 00:17:30,090
Way to give back. Society is in your debt.
240
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,950
Ok. Listen, Joy� look, I know this is bad,
241
00:17:36,650 --> 00:17:40,860
this is really bad right now.
And I know naked ladies might not be your cup of tea.
242
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,980
But I assure you that this man did help me.
243
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:46,210
Before I met this man,
244
00:17:46,210 --> 00:17:48,570
all I had was an ex-wife, living in my ex-apartment,
245
00:17:48,570 --> 00:17:51,470
driving my ex-car,
spending half my ex-money.
246
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,570
Trying to take my
beautiful Beyonce from me.
247
00:17:55,870 --> 00:17:56,950
That�s his dog.
248
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,320
But then this man.
249
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:05,070
This big Herman Munster-lookin� man right here
250
00:18:07,510 --> 00:18:09,090
showed up at my doorway.
251
00:18:09,830 --> 00:18:13,990
And showed me the first bit of happiness
I�ve had in a long-long time.
252
00:18:16,870 --> 00:18:19,080
So don�t you tell me this is a bad man.
253
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:23,790
You know why? �Cos this is a good man.
This is my brother.
254
00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:25,773
This is my Big Brother right here.
255
00:18:26,374 --> 00:18:28,860
You know who he is?
This is my Alec Baldwin.
256
00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:31,890
Give me that.
257
00:18:38,570 --> 00:18:41,410
This is the moment they
talk about in the brochure.
258
00:18:49,770 --> 00:18:52,190
I wish I could roller-skate everywhere I go.
259
00:18:52,190 --> 00:18:54,990
That would be a beautiful world, little man.
260
00:18:55,710 --> 00:18:58,360
Can�t believe they won�t let you get two beers at a time.
261
00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:01,450
What kind of ridiculous policy is that?
262
00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:03,130
I hear you, little buddy.
263
00:19:03,670 --> 00:19:05,060
I�m gonna ask Jeff some.
264
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,140
Hey, hold this for me.
265
00:19:06,991 --> 00:19:08,041
Don�t drink it, that�s mine.
266
00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:10,510
Jeff
267
00:19:10,510 --> 00:19:11,880
- Kenny.
- Hey, man.
268
00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:12,621
Hi.
269
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:13,960
May I ask you a question?
270
00:19:15,820 --> 00:19:20,000
I got a friend� single, in shape.
271
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,460
Would you date a black guy?
272
00:19:23,380 --> 00:19:27,300
What? No, no.
273
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:29,760
What, you a racist?
274
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:34,700
No, no, no, I�m not a racist. I�m� uh, straight.
275
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,610
Would it be straight if he was a white?
276
00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:41,160
I�m gonna take a lap and come back for the answer, ok?
277
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,730
No, no, no. You don�t have to take a lap.
278
00:19:44,730 --> 00:19:49,300
I�m straight, I�m married, I have a wife.
279
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:50,400
I suppose, she�s white too.
280
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:54,600
No! What� I, I, I� I mean, yes.
281
00:19:56,250 --> 00:19:57,370
What�s happening?
282
00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:01,040
Look, if you don�t wanna date him, just say it.
283
00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:05,460
I did say it.
I don�t wanna date this guy.
284
00:20:09,930 --> 00:20:11,320
I�ll set up a call for you.
285
00:20:11,370 --> 00:20:15,920
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