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1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,401
Fairbell, it's not a
bachelorette party, man.
2
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- Use your hands dipshit!
- Another round of body
3
00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:07,223
- shots, boys?!
- Oh, my god, Doris.
4
00:00:07,223 --> 00:00:08,541
You are a glutton for punishment, buddy.
5
00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:09,909
- All right.
- Hop on up.
6
00:00:09,993 --> 00:00:11,410
Get up there. Get up there.
7
00:00:11,461 --> 00:00:14,497
- Get up there.
- Whoa! Watch!
8
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:16,916
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be fine, Doris.
9
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:18,884
Come on. Whoo! Ohhh!
10
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:20,970
Oh, it's a big one! That's a big one!
11
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:22,672
There are so many tributaries.
12
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,307
- Oh, you got that.
- [Slurps]
13
00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:25,758
Whoo! Ho-ho! Whoo!
14
00:00:25,842 --> 00:00:28,720
Bring that pot scrubber over here, ugly.
15
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:31,097
You look like a shirt
somebody found at the bottom of
16
00:00:31,181 --> 00:00:33,182
a hamper. Okay. I'm done.
17
00:00:33,266 --> 00:00:36,102
Dude, this is gonna be the
best Cesar Chavez day ever!
18
00:00:36,186 --> 00:00:39,155
Cesar Chavez day is not a
school holiday, you dipshits.
19
00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:41,190
If it was, this place would be packed.
20
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,088
What? Rod told us
we had the day off tomorrow.
21
00:00:44,088 --> 00:00:45,008
We got to go.
22
00:00:45,008 --> 00:00:45,903
It's got to be past midnight.
23
00:00:45,903 --> 00:00:47,113
- We gotta go to sleep.
- Aww. If you loved me, you
24
00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:48,864
- wouldn't go.
- We got to get up and teach.
25
00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,000
- No. We got to go.
- Thank you for everything and
26
00:00:51,084 --> 00:00:53,791
- for all you do here.
- Oh, now, thank me right, sailor.
27
00:00:53,868 --> 00:00:54,503
You got it comin' to ya.
28
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,288
- [Both smooching]
- Hey, hey, hey.
29
00:00:56,340 --> 00:00:58,791
Shoemaker! Come on!
Doris, you let him go!
30
00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:01,010
- He's mine!
- She's here in town!
31
00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:04,096
We're all in town, Shoemaker!
Bye, Doris.
32
00:01:04,131 --> 00:01:08,134
- Bye.
- Aah.
33
00:01:08,185 --> 00:01:10,636
- [Groans]
- Oh, yeah.
34
00:01:10,721 --> 00:01:13,272
- Yeah. Definitely after midnight.
- [Vomits]
35
00:01:13,306 --> 00:01:16,337
You all right, Shoemaker? Bugger up.
36
00:01:16,338 --> 00:01:18,395
- You're all right. Come on.
- Where's the bus at?
37
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The bus is this way.
38
00:01:20,829 --> 00:01:23,149
Quit wasting my time
39
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,294
I ain't here for you
40
00:01:25,295 --> 00:01:27,987
I'm just putting in work
41
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Till my day is through
42
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Awards program
43
00:01:34,711 --> 00:01:38,497
- Playing in your sandbox?
- Tammy, as long as the sand
44
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remains in harmony, then
I remain in harmony, and...
45
00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:43,669
- Qui-i-i-i-i-i-nn!
- Aaah!
46
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:47,556
- Superintendent Carson! Hello!
- [Chuckles nervously]
47
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,508
Let me take this silly shit off.
48
00:01:49,559 --> 00:01:52,311
Apparently, when you run for
mayor of a hick town, you need
49
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,847
- to dress up like Zorro.
- Well, I'll tell you what...
50
00:01:54,931 --> 00:01:57,483
- You have got my vote.
- I don't need your stupid
51
00:01:57,517 --> 00:02:00,853
vote, Quinn, unless
you're 10,000 hispanics.
52
00:02:00,937 --> 00:02:03,322
- [Chuckles nervously]
- I'm... not.
53
00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:06,692
Listen up. Your
school is a pimple on the
54
00:02:06,777 --> 00:02:09,028
peach-perfect ass of my district.
55
00:02:09,112 --> 00:02:11,447
Well, we are welcome to reform.
56
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:14,890
I'm not here to reform.
I'm here to pretend I'm reforming.
57
00:02:14,890 --> 00:02:16,869
Your school is like a fly on the
58
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:20,673
eyelash of a poor, starving
Ugandan child, and I'm
59
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:27,046
Sally Struthers, and I'm gonna
SWAT it off... for the cameras.
60
00:02:27,097 --> 00:02:30,695
Now I'm confused. Are we a pimple,
or are we a Ugandan fly?
61
00:02:30,695 --> 00:02:33,214
Quinn, can you shut your stupid ass up?!
62
00:02:33,214 --> 00:02:34,553
Round up your teachers!
63
00:02:34,604 --> 00:02:36,320
Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
64
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:37,958
God!
65
00:02:37,974 --> 00:02:40,025
- Get thee off.
- Excuse you.
66
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,361
Oh, my god. Ohh.
67
00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:43,946
Gonna hang in there, Shoemaker?
68
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:46,148
Yeah, I'm fine. Years
of being in a punk band on
69
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,900
- the road...
- Dude, shut up!
70
00:02:47,951 --> 00:02:49,702
Nobody cares about your stupid band.
71
00:02:49,786 --> 00:02:52,455
I forgot that you turn in
to my father when you're drunk.
72
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:53,539
Good. You need a father.
73
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:56,025
And you need a mother to
smack that ass out of your mouth.
74
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:57,159
Then go find me one,
75
00:02:57,244 --> 00:02:59,328
- bitch nuts.
- Guys, come on! Come on!
76
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:03,324
Come on! Fairbell,
you're ruining my buzz man!
77
00:03:03,324 --> 00:03:05,364
If Rod can be drunk at school every day
78
00:03:05,364 --> 00:03:06,739
we can pull it off, all right?
79
00:03:06,740 --> 00:03:09,588
- Oh, whoa. Comin' in hot.
- You a teacher here at Smoot?
80
00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:11,590
You bet your ass I'm
a teacher here at Smoot.
81
00:03:11,675 --> 00:03:13,750
High-five me, dude. High-five me.
82
00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:15,003
- You got left out.
- Okay.
83
00:03:15,003 --> 00:03:16,479
- Yeah, I got it.
- You're about to see some
84
00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:18,647
teaching here today...
Some real dope-ass teaching
85
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:19,932
- here today.
- Finger guns.
86
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:22,101
- You guys should follow suit.
- That guy is the real deal.
87
00:03:22,152 --> 00:03:23,319
Whoo! Keep it on me all day!
88
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:24,854
- Get out of my face.
- Come over here.
89
00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,438
I'll talk to you. What
are you guys up to?
90
00:03:26,490 --> 00:03:28,440
Great. What do you think
of the district 4 leadership?
91
00:03:28,525 --> 00:03:31,410
I think bullshit rolls uphill,
if you were to ask me.
92
00:03:31,495 --> 00:03:35,114
Starts with principal Quinn and
city comptroller Teresa Ortega,
93
00:03:35,165 --> 00:03:38,284
and then it forms a great big
shitty lake at the feet of
94
00:03:38,368 --> 00:03:41,036
Superintendent Carson. I
saw on TV that that guy's
95
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:44,584
running for mayor and
he's wearing a cowboy hat.
96
00:03:44,584 --> 00:03:48,367
He is all hat and no cattle, and that's
something you can print right there.
97
00:03:48,404 --> 00:03:49,262
Can I get your name, please?
98
00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:52,715
Yeah. Billy Shoemaker.
Hearkens back to a time when men
99
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,801
would take the name of their
occupation because they took
100
00:03:55,886 --> 00:03:58,053
- pride in their work.
- So now you'd be
101
00:03:58,138 --> 00:04:00,773
- "Billy Shitty history teacher"?
- I have already warned you
102
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,208
- about your mouth, man.
- Your breath smells like my dick.
103
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,610
Get out of my face.
104
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:07,279
- As I was saying...
- Aww.
105
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:08,615
Aww.
106
00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:11,803
107
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,321
- Abbetha!
- Geez.
108
00:04:15,372 --> 00:04:18,192
Morning! Whoa! Drama teacher!
109
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,909
Welcome back! For somebody
who just returned
110
00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:24,079
from maternity leave, you
look like a stone-cold fox!
111
00:04:24,163 --> 00:04:26,798
Can I let you guys
in on a little secret?
112
00:04:26,882 --> 00:04:28,917
- Yeah.
- I was never pregnant.
113
00:04:29,001 --> 00:04:30,807
- What?!
- How'd you get away with that?
114
00:04:30,807 --> 00:04:32,215
They don't make you bring the baby in.
115
00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:34,873
I used the time off to
tour with the ren fair.
116
00:04:34,958 --> 00:04:35,892
I was a washing wench,
117
00:04:35,916 --> 00:04:38,583
and it was all good
until the syphilis breakout.
118
00:04:38,584 --> 00:04:40,363
Then it was, like... eww!... Not good.
119
00:04:40,508 --> 00:04:42,860
And then it was good
again with the amoxicillin.
120
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,967
Been there, huh?
121
00:04:47,137 --> 00:04:50,222
- Seat's taken.
- Seat's taken.
122
00:04:50,306 --> 00:04:52,224
So it's like that?
I can't even sit with my
123
00:04:52,308 --> 00:04:53,859
- friends?
- Fairbell, you are party poison.
124
00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:55,477
You need to go find a quiet space
125
00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:57,112
and cool off for a little bit.
126
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,730
You're just trying to ostracize me.
127
00:04:58,782 --> 00:05:01,796
- You're not even my real friends.
- You just figured that out, numnuts?
128
00:05:03,132 --> 00:05:04,736
- Are you serious right now?
- Next time I'll hit you.
129
00:05:04,821 --> 00:05:07,206
What you want?
130
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,408
- Ohh! Ohh!
- I just caught a baby! Look!
131
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:12,044
Fairbell, your crotch
smells like eucalyptus!
132
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:15,164
- It's medicated ointment.
- Thank you guys for joining me
133
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:17,332
this morning. I would
like to introduce... No!
134
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,168
No, no, no, no! Enough already!
135
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,587
- Fairbell, enough! Enough!
- He started it.
136
00:05:21,638 --> 00:05:26,592
- I did.
- Now, as I was saying, I would
137
00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:29,678
like to intoduce someone very
special... someone who's going
138
00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:32,848
to be observing all
of the classes today.
139
00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:37,686
So, let's give a nice, big,
warm Smoot welcome to your super
140
00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:41,690
Superintendent, Conrad... Carson!
141
00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:44,660
Thank you, Quinn. Hidey, everybody.
142
00:05:44,777 --> 00:05:49,114
I just want to congratulate you
all for being the worst school
143
00:05:49,199 --> 00:05:51,783
in my district 10 years in a row.
144
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:56,839
Now, some or all or just one of
you may think that siht rolls
145
00:05:56,923 --> 00:06:01,927
uphill... that I'm all hat
[Chuckles]
146
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:04,713
- And no cattle.
- Hey, he thinks just like you do.
147
00:06:04,797 --> 00:06:06,948
Doesn't matter what you think about me.
148
00:06:06,949 --> 00:06:09,902
What matters is what I think about you.
149
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:13,253
And you're gonna find out
after the final bell today.
150
00:06:13,254 --> 00:06:17,534
Because I'm gonna fire one
of your underperforming asses.
151
00:06:17,534 --> 00:06:19,311
So you get out there and have
152
00:06:19,362 --> 00:06:23,782
some fun while you still can.
Thank you, buddy.
153
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,818
- Vote Carson!
- What does that even mean?!
154
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:29,154
- He can't just fire one of us!
- Can he?
155
00:06:29,205 --> 00:06:34,393
Yes. Yes, he can. And
he will... unless we become
156
00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:40,582
the teachers we know we can
be and we prove... him... wrong!
157
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:44,303
What do you say?! Educators...
158
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,421
- Mount up!
- [Laughs]
159
00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:50,008
- Yeah!
- We're fucked.
160
00:06:53,224 --> 00:06:55,616
He said fire one of us.
161
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,365
He's not gonna target you pacifically.
162
00:06:58,498 --> 00:07:01,867
Whenever the ax falls, the librarian
is always the first to get it.
163
00:07:01,951 --> 00:07:03,354
Abbey, Abbey, Abbey, Abbey,
164
00:07:03,354 --> 00:07:07,056
Abbey, calm down.
No one's gonna fire you.
165
00:07:07,207 --> 00:07:09,708
These kids love the library.
They love it!
166
00:07:09,743 --> 00:07:12,009
You don't have to be
a dick about it, Loren.
167
00:07:12,009 --> 00:07:14,715
- I'm upset already.
- I'm being sincere.
168
00:07:15,082 --> 00:07:17,325
I know you think I'm a dick,
because I've acted like a
169
00:07:17,325 --> 00:07:20,419
dick in the past.
But that was just my insecurities
170
00:07:20,470 --> 00:07:24,056
talking, baby girl.
When I let go of those, the real
171
00:07:24,091 --> 00:07:26,678
- me comes out.
- Well, that is a surprisingly
172
00:07:26,678 --> 00:07:28,272
vulnerable statement. I
mean, I could have done
173
00:07:28,272 --> 00:07:31,226
without the "baby girl,"
but, still, what happened?
174
00:07:31,225 --> 00:07:32,884
Oh, I'm drunk. Yeah, no.
175
00:07:32,884 --> 00:07:36,346
I came in to school drunk.
Still drunk. Just drunk.
176
00:07:36,346 --> 00:07:38,674
I got to say, I kind
of prefer you like this.
177
00:07:38,772 --> 00:07:41,240
I know. Everybody does.
I'm a one-man party, right?
178
00:07:41,275 --> 00:07:43,676
- Fun times here!
- Oh, that's it... a party.
179
00:07:43,744 --> 00:07:46,779
A party will get kids into my
library so Carson will see my value.
180
00:07:46,864 --> 00:07:47,981
Thank you!
181
00:07:48,048 --> 00:07:50,416
You're so welcome.
How can I not help you,
182
00:07:50,451 --> 00:07:52,535
you know? You're my bae, girl.
183
00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:55,190
- Okay. all right. Get out.
- Okay.
184
00:07:56,194 --> 00:07:57,423
Hey. Billy Shoemaker.
185
00:07:57,458 --> 00:08:00,176
Listen, I think we got off
on the wrong foot up there.
186
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:02,295
No. The wrong foot was the right one.
187
00:08:02,379 --> 00:08:04,464
No. No. How can I
change your mind on this.
188
00:08:04,548 --> 00:08:05,932
I can't get fired!
189
00:08:05,966 --> 00:08:09,185
The only way you survive
today is if I see another teacher
190
00:08:09,269 --> 00:08:12,805
worse than you, and,
lucky for you, Principal Quinn
191
00:08:12,856 --> 00:08:15,642
is the Henry Ford of
turning out shitty teachers.
192
00:08:15,726 --> 00:08:17,777
No! Wait, wait,
wait! Okay. Okay. Great.
193
00:08:17,811 --> 00:08:21,419
Well, then, I've got the model
"T" of shitty teachers for you.
194
00:08:21,419 --> 00:08:23,282
Yeah. He's right in here.
195
00:08:23,317 --> 00:08:26,653
Check him out.
He's a train wre...
196
00:08:26,704 --> 00:08:31,491
And when I arrived at the
corpse, I saw that it was Ezra,
197
00:08:31,542 --> 00:08:33,313
My dear brother.
198
00:08:36,163 --> 00:08:37,565
Not a day goes by...
199
00:08:38,593 --> 00:08:40,561
That I don't grieve.
200
00:08:42,169 --> 00:08:48,508
And that, my children, was
the war they called "civil."
201
00:08:48,592 --> 00:08:54,347
- [Cheers and applause]
- What the hell was that?!
202
00:08:54,431 --> 00:08:56,766
- [Bell rings]
- [Students groan]
203
00:08:56,850 --> 00:09:00,687
I know. I know. Don't worry.
Tomorrow we're gonna get fubar'd
204
00:09:00,821 --> 00:09:03,239
in the rice paddies of Vietnam, man!
205
00:09:03,323 --> 00:09:06,993
- That... was... amazing!
- That was bullshit.
206
00:09:07,027 --> 00:09:09,028
That's not what he
does! He's normally...
207
00:09:09,079 --> 00:09:12,365
Thank you, Mr. Knorr! And
you... I suggest you start
208
00:09:12,416 --> 00:09:14,617
filling out an application for Arby's.
209
00:09:14,702 --> 00:09:17,954
- Thank you!
- Oh, mm. Mm.
210
00:09:18,038 --> 00:09:20,673
- What the hell was that, man?!
- I'm staying sober.
211
00:09:20,758 --> 00:09:23,626
You notice the Superintendent's here?
212
00:09:23,711 --> 00:09:25,595
Ugh. What's wrong with your face?
213
00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:27,380
What do you mean,
what's wrong with my face?
214
00:09:27,514 --> 00:09:30,717
- Ew. It's all, like, sliding.
- Oh, no. My Bell's palsy.
215
00:09:30,768 --> 00:09:33,352
The stress must be setting it off.
216
00:09:33,387 --> 00:09:35,555
Don't look at me! I'm hideous!
217
00:09:35,606 --> 00:09:37,318
Ahh! Damn it!
218
00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:39,342
219
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:42,606
How's it going?!
220
00:09:42,630 --> 00:09:45,185
What's the 411 on the
turnout for the library, bitch?
221
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,858
Sorry. I should not be
calling you "bitch."
222
00:09:47,858 --> 00:09:50,036
We've made 400 copies so far.
223
00:09:50,070 --> 00:09:52,405
- That's awesome!
- Are you responsible for this?!
224
00:09:52,518 --> 00:09:53,573
Uh, responsible?
225
00:09:53,657 --> 00:09:56,409
I'm kind of the wizard behind it.
226
00:09:56,493 --> 00:09:59,829
"Join Abbey Logan's KKK party." KKK...
227
00:09:59,913 --> 00:10:01,297
[Gasps]
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no!
228
00:10:01,381 --> 00:10:02,582
That's not what it's supposed to say!
229
00:10:02,633 --> 00:10:05,334
Look! Look, look, look!
230
00:10:05,419 --> 00:10:08,588
"Join Abbey Logan's
Kit-kits and Kafka Party!"
231
00:10:08,722 --> 00:10:11,817
The other letters didn't print. Why
didn't you make color copies, bitch?
232
00:10:11,817 --> 00:10:13,507
Because there's never
color ink in the printer.
233
00:10:13,507 --> 00:10:14,727
That's why all our gay pride
234
00:10:14,762 --> 00:10:16,062
pamphlets just made everyone sad.
235
00:10:16,096 --> 00:10:18,147
Oh, my god. Where did you put these?
236
00:10:18,232 --> 00:10:20,733
Hell, they're everywhere!
It's like Alabama in the '60s
237
00:10:20,768 --> 00:10:22,602
- out there!
- No! Excuse me.
238
00:10:22,686 --> 00:10:26,272
- Get away.
- She told me to... to...
239
00:10:26,323 --> 00:10:31,110
[Sweeping orchestral music]
240
00:10:31,161 --> 00:10:33,029
[playing]
241
00:10:44,291 --> 00:10:48,878
- [Giggles]
- Hello, Andrew!
242
00:10:48,962 --> 00:10:52,298
What brings you to my
land of enchantment?
243
00:10:52,349 --> 00:10:56,018
Drank too much coconut rum,
and now all my dumb friends hate me.
244
00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:59,682
So, you came to me for guidance?
245
00:10:59,682 --> 00:11:01,474
No. I was just walking in the
246
00:11:01,558 --> 00:11:04,143
hall, and I heard this
music and I walked in here.
247
00:11:04,194 --> 00:11:07,146
Look, you are a pathetic
doormat when you're sober, and
248
00:11:07,197 --> 00:11:09,482
you're a horrible
monster when you're drunk.
249
00:11:09,566 --> 00:11:12,368
You need to find a way to
express your feelings, or you
250
00:11:12,452 --> 00:11:15,955
could get fired. I have just the thing.
251
00:11:15,989 --> 00:11:19,158
I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.
252
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:24,427
She's a therapeutic tool. She
can speak your feelings for you.
253
00:11:25,410 --> 00:11:28,167
There you go. Okay?
254
00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:32,388
- [Breathes deeply]
- Okay. First I'd like you to
255
00:11:32,472 --> 00:11:35,975
- clear your mind.
- Done.
256
00:11:36,009 --> 00:11:39,053
Now, it might take you
a while to find her voice.
257
00:11:39,054 --> 00:11:40,356
- [High-pitched voice]
- Hello! My name is Judith.
258
00:11:40,597 --> 00:11:43,015
I'm a capricorn, and I smoke
two packs of menthols a day.
259
00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:46,152
Hello, Judith. My name is Summer.
260
00:11:46,152 --> 00:11:48,023
Mm. Back from another
fake pregnancy, I see.
261
00:11:48,023 --> 00:11:49,939
Makes sense. Can't get
pregnant by takin' it
262
00:11:50,023 --> 00:11:51,557
- in the dumper!
- Fairbell!
263
00:11:51,557 --> 00:11:52,260
- [Normal voice]
- Judith!
264
00:11:52,260 --> 00:11:53,007
Give her back!
265
00:11:53,007 --> 00:11:54,264
- [High-pitched voice]
- Run!
266
00:11:55,529 --> 00:11:58,414
[Singing in Spanish]
267
00:12:07,424 --> 00:12:10,459
- Aaah!
- Aaaaaaaaaah!
268
00:12:10,544 --> 00:12:13,763
- So good, you guys.
- Muchas gracias, Mr. Payton!
269
00:12:13,847 --> 00:12:15,715
Superintendent Carson, everybody!
270
00:12:15,799 --> 00:12:18,517
This is exactly the
camera-friendly teaching I would
271
00:12:18,602 --> 00:12:20,712
like to feature in my campaign.
272
00:12:20,712 --> 00:12:24,200
Well, fire up your film crew, Scorsese.
I'll show you a real raging bull.
273
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,691
Or should I say, "Toro furioso"?
274
00:12:25,726 --> 00:12:27,059
- Huh, guys?
- [Laughter]
275
00:12:27,110 --> 00:12:28,978
Okay, here it goes. Uno! Dos!
276
00:12:29,062 --> 00:12:31,781
- Uno, dos, tres, catorce!
- That's great!
277
00:12:31,865 --> 00:12:33,950
But save it. I'll be
back to film you during
278
00:12:34,034 --> 00:12:36,202
the last period.
Oh, yeah. No, last period.
279
00:12:36,236 --> 00:12:37,870
- Yeah, sure, man.
- Ooh-ahh!
280
00:12:37,905 --> 00:12:41,490
I just figured out how to
get those damn hispanic votes.
281
00:12:41,575 --> 00:12:44,710
- [Laughs]
- What a character.
282
00:12:44,745 --> 00:12:48,581
I will give an unlimited hall
pass to anyone who can tell me
283
00:12:48,665 --> 00:12:50,750
where that accent's from,
'cause I have no idea.
284
00:12:50,801 --> 00:12:52,585
- [Knock on door]
- Just one second, guys.
285
00:12:52,636 --> 00:12:54,553
- What, Shoemaker?!
- Loren!
286
00:12:54,588 --> 00:12:56,255
- Hey.
- Oh, my god, dude.
287
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:59,091
Class, you remember
Mr. Shoemaker from...
288
00:12:59,142 --> 00:13:01,010
- The Swamp.
- Hey, I need him real quick.
289
00:13:01,094 --> 00:13:02,345
- All right.
- I apologize.
290
00:13:02,429 --> 00:13:04,133
- You don't just jerk people out like...
- I apologize.
291
00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:04,993
What the hell happened to you.
292
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,934
My Bell's palsy gets
set off by my anxiety.
293
00:13:07,985 --> 00:13:09,602
It's gross, dude.
294
00:13:09,686 --> 00:13:11,570
- You need to fix that.
- Never mind that.
295
00:13:11,605 --> 00:13:13,189
That Carson guy has it out for me.
296
00:13:13,273 --> 00:13:15,408
You're not the only
one with Carson problems.
297
00:13:15,492 --> 00:13:18,778
He wants me to do a show
later, and I'm sobering up fast.
298
00:13:18,829 --> 00:13:21,747
And if you can't
perform, you could get fired.
299
00:13:21,782 --> 00:13:24,417
Yeah. No shit Sherlock.
That's why I need booze now.
300
00:13:24,451 --> 00:13:26,953
I got to keep up my karaoke
confidence all day long...
301
00:13:27,004 --> 00:13:30,373
- Just ride the high, you know?
- I know where there's booze.
302
00:13:30,457 --> 00:13:33,009
- You do?
- Yeah. Follow me.
303
00:13:33,093 --> 00:13:35,711
- Come on, Loren! It's this way!
- Why are you taking me to
304
00:13:35,796 --> 00:13:37,964
- Rod's Jack Shack?
- I know where he keeps his liquor.
305
00:13:38,015 --> 00:13:39,265
It's over here.
306
00:13:39,299 --> 00:13:41,846
- Ugh!
- Ohh!
307
00:13:41,846 --> 00:13:44,053
It smells like somebody's
been tanning leather in here.
308
00:13:44,137 --> 00:13:45,972
Yeah. It's all the way in the back.
309
00:13:46,023 --> 00:13:48,870
- Back here?
- Yeah. You got it.
310
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,977
I don't see any booze back here.
311
00:13:51,061 --> 00:13:54,663
- Hey, are you about a size 14?
- Size 14?
312
00:13:54,663 --> 00:13:57,283
What are you talking about?
Hey, what are you doing,
313
00:13:57,317 --> 00:13:59,819
- Shoemaker?!
- [Banging on door]
314
00:13:59,870 --> 00:14:02,238
Hey, what are you doing, man?!
Shoemaker, I'm not playing
315
00:14:02,322 --> 00:14:04,657
around. Let me out of here.
316
00:14:05,623 --> 00:14:08,959
Hello! Anybody! Let me out of here!
317
00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:10,334
Hello!
318
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:11,293
- [High-pitched voice]
- Ah, hello yourself.
319
00:14:11,293 --> 00:14:13,009
Oh Jesus Christ!
Fairbell, what are you doing?
320
00:14:13,010 --> 00:14:13,860
- [Normal voice]
- Her name's Judith.
321
00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:15,933
She's been helping me
out with my unconscious.
322
00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:17,196
That's fantastic.
323
00:14:17,196 --> 00:14:19,603
Put the doll down and go
unlock the door right now.
324
00:14:19,637 --> 00:14:20,620
Carson's waiting for me.
325
00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:21,101
- [High-pitched voice]
- Actually,
326
00:14:21,101 --> 00:14:23,019
Fairbell only helps out his friends.
327
00:14:23,019 --> 00:14:25,642
Fairbell, we're friends.
Now be a friend and unlock the
328
00:14:25,727 --> 00:14:26,643
door, okay, boy? Go.
329
00:14:26,728 --> 00:14:28,478
Fairbell only helps out
his best friends.
330
00:14:28,613 --> 00:14:30,731
Fairbell, I swear to god, if
you don't help me out right now,
331
00:14:30,815 --> 00:14:32,816
I'm gonna shove that dummy so
far up your ass, I'm gonna be
332
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:34,368
able to see it through
your stupid mouth.
333
00:14:34,452 --> 00:14:36,453
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Tough
talk from a guy in a cage!
334
00:14:36,487 --> 00:14:38,205
- Don't talk to me like that.
- Oh-ho-ho!
335
00:14:38,289 --> 00:14:40,240
Ever learn how to pick a
lock with your tiny dick bitch.
336
00:14:40,325 --> 00:14:41,708
- Fairbell!
- Let's go get a snack, Fairbell
337
00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,493
Jud... Fairbell! Fairbell!
338
00:14:43,544 --> 00:14:45,329
Judith! Sorry! Judith!
Come back. Hey, Judith.
339
00:14:45,380 --> 00:14:46,663
I'll do anything.
Just get me out of here
340
00:14:46,714 --> 00:14:47,631
right now. What do you want?
341
00:14:47,715 --> 00:14:50,384
Hmm. How 'bout for starters,
we go to the Aurora Mall, get
342
00:14:50,468 --> 00:14:54,638
some hot pretzels with cheese
and mustard, maybe get some
343
00:14:54,672 --> 00:14:57,441
airbrushed t-shirts with
each other's faces on 'em?
344
00:14:57,508 --> 00:14:59,393
100%. Let's do it. Now
go unlock the door right now.
345
00:14:59,477 --> 00:15:00,844
Let's go to the Aurora Mall.
346
00:15:00,912 --> 00:15:02,262
Actually, I'm not finished yet.
347
00:15:02,347 --> 00:15:04,681
- [Sighs heavily]
- What else you got?
348
00:15:04,766 --> 00:15:07,901
- What number am I on?
- 38.
349
00:15:07,986 --> 00:15:10,237
Okay. Demand number 38...
When you go
350
00:15:10,355 --> 00:15:11,855
out at night, no more
making up fake bars.
351
00:15:11,906 --> 00:15:13,607
You have to tell me where
you're actually going.
352
00:15:13,691 --> 00:15:15,325
Yes. Fine. No more fake bars, I promise.
353
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,693
Now, will you please open the door?
354
00:15:16,778 --> 00:15:18,362
I'm already late for
my performance, man.
355
00:15:18,413 --> 00:15:19,501
You're literally costing me my job.
356
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:20,109
- [Normal voice]
- Okay.
357
00:15:20,849 --> 00:15:22,346
Carson, wait! I'm here.
358
00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:24,534
- I'm here!
- You made me wait, so now it's
359
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,203
- your ass!
- No, no, no, no, no!
360
00:15:26,254 --> 00:15:28,505
It wasn't my fault!
Shoemaker locked me in a shed!
361
00:15:28,539 --> 00:15:29,580
- He locked you up?
- Yes!
362
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:33,427
I would like you to step
forward and touch my face.
363
00:15:33,511 --> 00:15:37,047
Use your forefinger to trace
the contours of my sadness.
364
00:15:37,131 --> 00:15:40,684
Yep, right in the tear duct.
Really work it good.
365
00:15:40,718 --> 00:15:45,188
- [Muttering]
- Ahh. Ohh! Oh, no!
366
00:15:45,223 --> 00:15:48,558
Mercy, please! Oh, I beg of you!
367
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:49,582
How did you get out?!
368
00:15:49,606 --> 00:15:51,193
- [High-pitched voice]
- I let him out for 38 promises.
369
00:15:51,193 --> 00:15:52,691
Oh, a dummy with a dummy.
370
00:15:52,691 --> 00:15:56,040
You look like such an asshole
with that thing on your hand.
371
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,138
Maybe you can borrow an asshole
after I tear you a new one.
372
00:15:58,138 --> 00:16:01,000
Why don't you take that off you
hand before I stick it up your ass?!
373
00:16:01,072 --> 00:16:02,989
I'm gonna beat some
shape back in to your face.
374
00:16:03,074 --> 00:16:05,575
- Oh, you're just a puppet.
- [Speaking indistinctly]
375
00:16:05,626 --> 00:16:08,628
You want some of that?
Okay, stop. God.
376
00:16:08,713 --> 00:16:10,881
Okay, kids. If I
don't get your help, I
377
00:16:10,915 --> 00:16:13,834
might not be here tomorrow.
Now, who amongst you is willing
378
00:16:13,918 --> 00:16:17,637
to help out Se?or Payton
in this, his hour of need?
379
00:16:17,722 --> 00:16:20,006
- There she is.
- Oh, god!
380
00:16:20,091 --> 00:16:21,758
- [Normal voice]
- Judith, stop... it's not worth it!
381
00:16:21,843 --> 00:16:25,011
It's your arm, Fairbell! Oh, god!
382
00:16:25,096 --> 00:16:28,932
- [Laughs]
- You wanted a show, Carson?
383
00:16:29,016 --> 00:16:31,017
Here's your show. Hit it, Guerreros!
384
00:16:31,102 --> 00:16:34,488
- Uno, dos, tres!
- ["Mexican hat dance" playing]
385
00:16:34,572 --> 00:16:40,110
- [slowly and off-key]
- That is so racist.
386
00:16:40,194 --> 00:16:44,664
You see, Carson, I'm
hardly the worst one here.
387
00:16:44,782 --> 00:16:48,442
No, you're right, Shoemaker.
At this point, it's anybody's game.
388
00:16:49,954 --> 00:16:54,257
- Hello, Abbey.
- I am not a member of the
389
00:16:54,292 --> 00:16:57,043
- Ku Klux Klan!
- And a new contestant just
390
00:16:57,128 --> 00:16:59,796
- threw her hat into the ring!
- Oh, geez.
391
00:16:59,881 --> 00:17:02,432
- [Bell rings]
- Okay, guys. It's over.
392
00:17:02,467 --> 00:17:06,103
Meet me at the teachers' lounge,
where we're gonna crown the winner
393
00:17:06,187 --> 00:17:09,022
and by "winner," I mean "loser."
394
00:17:09,107 --> 00:17:13,443
Ohh. Please don't. Oh, no.
395
00:17:13,478 --> 00:17:17,314
You guys blew it! Thanks for nothing!
396
00:17:19,707 --> 00:17:21,707
397
00:17:21,732 --> 00:17:24,043
I'm serious. Give the puppet back.
398
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:24,803
- [High-pitched voice]
- Why don't you go find me
399
00:17:24,803 --> 00:17:26,593
- a baguette, Mime?
- Now!
400
00:17:26,593 --> 00:17:29,189
- [Normal voice]
- No.
401
00:17:29,273 --> 00:17:30,487
- [Grunts]
- Off.
402
00:17:31,515 --> 00:17:33,710
Usually when I come to a school and
403
00:17:33,710 --> 00:17:37,192
threaten to fire somebody,
I find people rise to top
404
00:17:37,193 --> 00:17:39,911
not race to the bottom
like you shithills.
405
00:17:40,152 --> 00:17:43,154
Truth be told, I don't know
where the hell to begin, so I
406
00:17:43,205 --> 00:17:45,457
don't think I'm gonna
fire anybody today.
407
00:17:45,491 --> 00:17:48,910
- [Cheers and laughter]
- Oh, my... oh, my god!
408
00:17:48,995 --> 00:17:51,630
- But... he is.
- [All groan]
409
00:17:51,664 --> 00:17:53,832
What? No. No. I can't fire someone.
410
00:17:53,916 --> 00:17:55,834
- No, not me.
- Let me make this simple,
411
00:17:55,885 --> 00:17:59,229
Quinn... either you fire
somebody or you're fired.
412
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:03,141
Geoffrey. You can't fire me.
413
00:18:03,175 --> 00:18:06,561
- We're best friends.
- I love black people!
414
00:18:06,646 --> 00:18:08,513
Um... come back to me.
415
00:18:08,597 --> 00:18:10,682
- I'm thinking of one.
- I have a baby at home.
416
00:18:10,733 --> 00:18:14,680
- I am a human being!
- Oh, god.
417
00:18:17,823 --> 00:18:20,358
Uh... this is the hardest decision
418
00:18:20,493 --> 00:18:23,778
that I've ever had to
make, but it has been made.
419
00:18:23,863 --> 00:18:28,700
So, the person who is
going to get fired is...
420
00:18:28,751 --> 00:18:32,203
Ohh. You guys are still here.
421
00:18:32,288 --> 00:18:34,756
- [Laughs]
- Mm.
422
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,514
Oh, Rod.
423
00:18:36,538 --> 00:18:39,403
Oh, wish I was in the land of cotton
424
00:18:39,403 --> 00:18:41,809
Old times there are not forgotten
425
00:18:41,809 --> 00:18:45,281
Look away, look away, look away
426
00:18:45,281 --> 00:18:46,434
Look away
427
00:18:46,519 --> 00:18:50,855
- You look away!
- Rod...
428
00:18:50,890 --> 00:18:53,608
- You're fired.
- What?
429
00:18:53,693 --> 00:18:57,228
I-I said you're fired.
I-I'm sorry, but it...
430
00:18:57,313 --> 00:19:01,709
- You're fired from Smoot.
- Give me one good reason.
431
00:19:01,734 --> 00:19:05,286
- Well, you're drunk.
- It's after school.
432
00:19:05,371 --> 00:19:08,623
Yeah, well, you also just
sang a pretty racist song.
433
00:19:08,708 --> 00:19:10,992
- Historical significance.
- You masturbate in a
434
00:19:11,077 --> 00:19:13,044
maintenance shed that's on
school property, and you do it
435
00:19:13,079 --> 00:19:15,130
so much that everyone
calls it "Rod's Jack Shack."
436
00:19:15,214 --> 00:19:17,582
- I mean, come on.
- I will not apologize for the
437
00:19:17,633 --> 00:19:20,752
amount of love I have
to give this world.
438
00:19:20,836 --> 00:19:23,588
For old times' sake, can I
have 10 minutes in the shack?
439
00:19:23,639 --> 00:19:25,173
- Definitely no.
- Four minutes.
440
00:19:25,257 --> 00:19:27,592
I can cut it down to four
minutes if it's a time issue.
441
00:19:27,676 --> 00:19:30,331
No. It's not time-related in any way.
442
00:19:32,848 --> 00:19:35,433
- [Clears throat]
- I guess this is goodbye.
443
00:19:35,484 --> 00:19:40,855
- Yeah. I-I'm sorry, Rod.
- ["Dixie" playing]
444
00:19:45,077 --> 00:19:47,278
- Is the feather the right way?
- It should go...
445
00:19:47,329 --> 00:19:51,499
- You should turn it yeah.
- [Sighs]
446
00:19:51,584 --> 00:19:53,451
[Music continues]
447
00:19:59,125 --> 00:20:03,627
[Tempo increases]
448
00:20:03,651 --> 00:20:05,317
Didn't think you had it in you.
449
00:20:08,235 --> 00:20:11,636
Until next time, Smoot!
450
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,190
- Vote Carson!
- [Music continues]
451
00:20:15,274 --> 00:20:17,609
- [Sobbing]
- Tammy!
452
00:20:17,643 --> 00:20:21,212
- [Sobbing]
-
453
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,032
You know, it's a Goddamn
shame how they treat veterans in
454
00:20:24,116 --> 00:20:25,984
- this country.
- Oh, it sure is, honey.
455
00:20:26,068 --> 00:20:28,787
But I did put in for my
substitute's license, so...
456
00:20:28,821 --> 00:20:31,156
- Hey, there you go.
- Yeah, I'm sure they're gonna
457
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,986
- let you right back in, Rod.
- Doris, shot for the substitute.
458
00:20:34,986 --> 00:20:35,660
You got it.
459
00:20:35,744 --> 00:20:38,163
- Hurry it up, you Gargoyle
- No!
460
00:20:38,297 --> 00:20:40,081
- Hey, come on.
- You don't talk to her like
461
00:20:40,166 --> 00:20:41,666
that, all right? This is my old lady.
462
00:20:41,717 --> 00:20:44,002
- Doris is your girlfriend?
- No, it's my mom.
463
00:20:44,086 --> 00:20:45,003
He's my son.
464
00:20:45,221 --> 00:20:47,388
Your mom is your girlfriend?
465
00:20:47,473 --> 00:20:49,424
We got to start hanging
out at a different bar.
466
00:20:49,508 --> 00:20:50,090
No, no.
467
00:20:50,114 --> 00:20:51,418
Have you done the body shots.
468
00:20:51,442 --> 00:20:52,662
Mom, body shots!
469
00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:54,013
Oh, you got it baby.
470
00:20:54,036 --> 00:20:56,036
- Yeah, get up there dollface.
- Come on guys!
471
00:20:56,060 --> 00:20:59,060
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www.addic7ed.com
472
00:20:59,110 --> 00:21:03,660
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